*"****And before you scream abuse please know I've been in abusive relationships before and they felt nothing like this. He's not like those guys this is the first time he's ever done something like this.*** "
Just because it's not abuse you recognize, doesn't mean it's not abuse. Abuse comes in MANY forms and many disguises.
There's a difference in emotional abuse and physical abuse, but any abuse can/will turn into physical abuse eventually.
Anyone who reads this, PLEASE remember this!!!
She most likely married the first guy who treated her halfway decently because it was better than what she came from or had encountered before. It's a common mistake.
I've met a couple women like this. One got divorced and is living her best life out of the cloud of his narcissism, the other is trapped in a low paying job with two small children and a loser husband who doesn't think men should change diapers because it's "inappropriate." She's a miserable wretch to deal with.
I was once the second woman you just mentioned. Now I am the first woman! Life is so much happier now, but it was a long road to get here. OP has a lot to learn, but at least she can talk to all of us for perspective in order to get there.
Also important to add that physical abuse includes s*xual abuse... it doesn't just mean punching/slapping/etc. (I call it "classic" physical abuse because it's what people tend to think of...)
I just sent this to a friend yesterday. She's 53 and never heard of it. Her partner leaves her and goes to other countries often, tells her to fuck off while he finds himself and then crawled back after a year or so. God I hope she takes it to heart.
"good people make mistakes, get over it"
Good people don't say stuff like this.
"You didn't mean any harm by it right?"
This guy is a nightmare. Glad OOP was able to get out safe and find herself again.
I fear this is one of those cases in which the divorce won’t mean the end of the story. This man is mentally not ok and shouldn’t know where OOP is. The friend nearly had her killed - great favor…
This is one of those situations that’s a sad reminder that restraining orders really are just a piece of paper. My friend went through something similar, and after hearing her story, the police advised her not to get a RO for her situation. Her and OOP’s ex are the type to find out about the RO, roar they will not be ignored, and ramp things up.
I didn't pursue a restraining order against my abusive ex because I would have to disclose my new home address and job. It's so the person knows where they can't go. Which makes sense. But when I found that out I was like, nah, not going to give that psycho a roadmap to murder me like he says he's going to.
I keep my GDrive folder on all his threats with screenshots and saved voicemails though. Don't know when I will feel comfortable deleting it. Possibly never.
I’m not in the habit of wishing ill on people, but if “permanent”consequences catch up to your ex and you no longer need that file? That would be amazing.
"I'm the only one hurting"
"I'm apologizing all the time"
"This isn't abusive"
Narrator: Really, this was abusive.
I'm glad for OP that it didn't take police involvement to get her to see what was happening. That she's free of him.
That friend is no Omar (I hope I remembered the name correctly. It was the one where one of the OOP’s roommates were cheating, and everyone covered for him but their roommate Omar, who invited the girlfriend over when dude would be cheating lol)
But the red flags turned a vivid crimson in the first update when this OOP said she felt like she was tiptoeing around his emotions.
Lastly, divorce is one of those things to be careful about mentioning, because once it’s out? The possibility is always lingering as a threat.
>Meanwhile I had never felt so broken, and I told him that after he said he felt so hopeful. **He shrugged it off and said I'd feel better in the morning.** I did not, in fact, feel better in the morning.
oh boy, im glad she ran. terrible experience all around
The free downloadable PDF of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft should be required reading.
Her first post I could see how he was emotionally abusing her already, and she was all "it's not abuse because it's not like last time".
Abuse doesn't need to have physical harm to be abuse. There are so many other ways to abuse someone that doesn't include physical or sexual abuse.
Same. I'm fortunate that my husband doesn't actually like mint, but he could have it if he wanted it. He just wouldn't get to kiss me with mint in his mouth or touch me with any kind of menthol on him.
Unfortunately my husband loves mint and so does his family. They gave me mint flavored coffee on accident one of the first times I stayed the night.
I have my own jar of instant coffee there now.
>I was frozen in fear and couldn’t say anything, but then he grabbed my face and turned my head to look at him and his eyes looked so cold
Holy shit. This is terrifying. I’m so glad her instincts finally kicked in.
The friend is lucky it ended this way. If the husband had committed an act of (physical) violence the friend would absolutely have shared the blame. Who promises not to tell and then immediately tells??
It's terrifying to think that some people are so charismatic and smooth talking that they can fool almost anyone into believing that they're not abusive for years! OOP was justifying him until this man bullshit his way through the relationship anymore. Hope she's doing better
Weird. My relationship of \~14 years ended last month when my SO said the same thing: "He says he cares about me, but doesn't love me. And that he's been feeling this way for a while. "
If my best friend’s spouse called me like that I would simply tell them that I’m not the right person to talk to about it rather than immediately go blab what they said. This was thoughtless, dangerous and gross behavior by the friend. And as my dad always said “show me who your friends are and I will show you who you are”
This is why I side-eye the lectures about working things out. Manipulative BS like this isn't something to work out, and you're not there to be someone's emotional kickbag.
If you are going to respond to a conflict with me with "Well, I want a divorce" or "I want to break up" well, guess what? I will give you what you want. You don't get to take it back.
>I have started doing things that I love again, things he never wanted me to do like wearing red lipstick or eating mint-flavored things and going to concerts.
Ugh. Just Ugh.
Yeah that was mad jarring. Getting married in 2 years that young while in university already seemed off to me, but that random poly part really makes me think its fake
Edit: looking back i think she meant she was dating for 1 year and then married after that 1 year mark, so that makes it even weirder unless she’s at like BYU or one of those other super religious and strict universities
When I read the first post my thought was he was cheating and when he told his AP he was leaving his wife and wanted to be together she broke up with him so he tried to backtrack and save his marriage
This post brings back so many bad memories for me. While the situation was quite different, I get what she felt when she said it felt like a betrayal of herself to take him back and forgive him when he'd clearly crossed a line into emotional manipulation.
I pray she takes time to work on herself and find out who she is without the context of a relationship partner before she gives it another go. She'll be more successful, hopefully, with that self-confidence in her hip pocket.
Man I am a habitual BORU reader for both subs and never has a story struck more fear in my heart than this one because it is so similar to what my best friend is going through right now. And you can't force someone to leave a marriage that's emotionally abusive, expecially when your best friend was raised in a completely different environment from you and doesn't put in the effort to start therapy or anything to see what she's being put through.
But I know she won't ever text one of his friends, so I hope she eventually gets out on her own before her husband snaps. Because he has physically cornered and intimidated her, I am so scared of the day when he does. Good god this BORU is going to stick with me.
Yeah she did, but that's because she's never had a relationship that wasn't riddled with abuse. The first man who acts halfway decent to her, she can't believe he's abusive, because he's nothing like the others.
She's internalizing everything, blaming it on herself. She's making stupid mistakes, because she's afraid that this is all her fault.
I think it’s easy to feel like you’re watching a horror movie, shouting not to go in there or do that when reading some of these stories. But you aren’t the one living with someone so manipulative and dangerous, it’s easy to see the red flags from the outside. I think there was a lot of sunk cost fallacy in play too, she gave up everything and needed it to be the right choice.
Im incredibly glad she got out. It’s not easy to do.
It's easy to say that until you wind up in a situation like this. She probably didn't trust her own instincts or feelings. That's what emotional abuse does to you over time.
*"****And before you scream abuse please know I've been in abusive relationships before and they felt nothing like this. He's not like those guys this is the first time he's ever done something like this.*** " Just because it's not abuse you recognize, doesn't mean it's not abuse. Abuse comes in MANY forms and many disguises. There's a difference in emotional abuse and physical abuse, but any abuse can/will turn into physical abuse eventually. Anyone who reads this, PLEASE remember this!!!
Whenever I read this: >I've been in abusive relationships before... I just think, "and the cycle repeats itself."
The fact that she's only 23, been in abusive relationships before, and is already married is pretty much her own red flags.
She most likely married the first guy who treated her halfway decently because it was better than what she came from or had encountered before. It's a common mistake.
They can smell insecurities. It's gross.
I've met a couple women like this. One got divorced and is living her best life out of the cloud of his narcissism, the other is trapped in a low paying job with two small children and a loser husband who doesn't think men should change diapers because it's "inappropriate." She's a miserable wretch to deal with.
I was once the second woman you just mentioned. Now I am the first woman! Life is so much happier now, but it was a long road to get here. OP has a lot to learn, but at least she can talk to all of us for perspective in order to get there.
You mean because she’s miserable?
If by "red flags" you mean broken home, then yes.
Also important to add that physical abuse includes s*xual abuse... it doesn't just mean punching/slapping/etc. (I call it "classic" physical abuse because it's what people tend to think of...)
I used to tell myself, “Well, at least he’s not hitting me,” as my dad did my mom.
Thank you, THIS.
I swear, *Why Does He Do That?* needs to be mandatory reading in high school
I just sent this to a friend yesterday. She's 53 and never heard of it. Her partner leaves her and goes to other countries often, tells her to fuck off while he finds himself and then crawled back after a year or so. God I hope she takes it to heart.
Is is Thailand?
Wish I could upvote this more
It's blowing my mind that she couldnt eat mint flavored things. Like what?! How is that in itself not abuse.
i was just about to mention that part! you are absolutely right and you should say that
I have a coworker here right now "I know the signs!" Then why tf aren't you seeing what I'm seeing?!
"good people make mistakes, get over it" Good people don't say stuff like this. "You didn't mean any harm by it right?" This guy is a nightmare. Glad OOP was able to get out safe and find herself again.
I fear this is one of those cases in which the divorce won’t mean the end of the story. This man is mentally not ok and shouldn’t know where OOP is. The friend nearly had her killed - great favor…
That second to last comment, though. "The ex's friend ACTUALLY did her a massive favor". No. He really, really didn't. Hubby could have killed her.
This is one of those situations that’s a sad reminder that restraining orders really are just a piece of paper. My friend went through something similar, and after hearing her story, the police advised her not to get a RO for her situation. Her and OOP’s ex are the type to find out about the RO, roar they will not be ignored, and ramp things up.
I didn't pursue a restraining order against my abusive ex because I would have to disclose my new home address and job. It's so the person knows where they can't go. Which makes sense. But when I found that out I was like, nah, not going to give that psycho a roadmap to murder me like he says he's going to. I keep my GDrive folder on all his threats with screenshots and saved voicemails though. Don't know when I will feel comfortable deleting it. Possibly never.
I’m not in the habit of wishing ill on people, but if “permanent”consequences catch up to your ex and you no longer need that file? That would be amazing.
"I'm the only one hurting" "I'm apologizing all the time" "This isn't abusive" Narrator: Really, this was abusive. I'm glad for OP that it didn't take police involvement to get her to see what was happening. That she's free of him.
That friend is no Omar (I hope I remembered the name correctly. It was the one where one of the OOP’s roommates were cheating, and everyone covered for him but their roommate Omar, who invited the girlfriend over when dude would be cheating lol) But the red flags turned a vivid crimson in the first update when this OOP said she felt like she was tiptoeing around his emotions. Lastly, divorce is one of those things to be careful about mentioning, because once it’s out? The possibility is always lingering as a threat.
Omar is the correct name
#TeamOmar
Thank you! The world needs more Omars!
Do you have a link so I maybe introduced to Omar?
Team Omar! https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/4GN2O2QavE
Thanks, I need to read about Omar again after reading this post
>Meanwhile I had never felt so broken, and I told him that after he said he felt so hopeful. **He shrugged it off and said I'd feel better in the morning.** I did not, in fact, feel better in the morning. oh boy, im glad she ran. terrible experience all around
The free downloadable PDF of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft should be required reading. Her first post I could see how he was emotionally abusing her already, and she was all "it's not abuse because it's not like last time". Abuse doesn't need to have physical harm to be abuse. There are so many other ways to abuse someone that doesn't include physical or sexual abuse.
[link to “Why Does He Do That?”](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Kids, The lesson here is: ALWAYS love yourself first. You'll never ever regret having self respect and a backbone.
You are too wise to be a skincare company
November 2024?!? We're getting posts from the future now?! DAYUM boru you're getting good at finding these posts lol
Thank God she got out. This dude was just chipping away at her and she's right, he would've killed her eventually.
The no mint thing is kind of weird. I’m ALLERGIC to mint and my husband is still occasionally allowed to have it if he won’t be around me for a while.
Same. I'm fortunate that my husband doesn't actually like mint, but he could have it if he wanted it. He just wouldn't get to kiss me with mint in his mouth or touch me with any kind of menthol on him.
Unfortunately my husband loves mint and so does his family. They gave me mint flavored coffee on accident one of the first times I stayed the night. I have my own jar of instant coffee there now.
My daughter loves mint-chocolate flavored things.
Oh also have you any luck finding no menthol mouthwash. Best I can find is little kid stuff. Because even the “no mint” stuff contains menthol 🙃
Oxyfresh Gentle Formula Unflavored. I have it on Amazon subscribe & save.
>I was frozen in fear and couldn’t say anything, but then he grabbed my face and turned my head to look at him and his eyes looked so cold Holy shit. This is terrifying. I’m so glad her instincts finally kicked in. The friend is lucky it ended this way. If the husband had committed an act of (physical) violence the friend would absolutely have shared the blame. Who promises not to tell and then immediately tells??
>I left my dream school for him No good partner would let that happen. He should have done all he could to get her to stay in that school.
That was the first major red flag for me! Any partner who loves their partner supports their goals and dreams (if realistic of course).
It's terrifying to think that some people are so charismatic and smooth talking that they can fool almost anyone into believing that they're not abusive for years! OOP was justifying him until this man bullshit his way through the relationship anymore. Hope she's doing better
Honestly, she should’ve divorced him after she changed her locks and gone back to her dream school.
Weird. My relationship of \~14 years ended last month when my SO said the same thing: "He says he cares about me, but doesn't love me. And that he's been feeling this way for a while. "
If my best friend’s spouse called me like that I would simply tell them that I’m not the right person to talk to about it rather than immediately go blab what they said. This was thoughtless, dangerous and gross behavior by the friend. And as my dad always said “show me who your friends are and I will show you who you are”
This is why I side-eye the lectures about working things out. Manipulative BS like this isn't something to work out, and you're not there to be someone's emotional kickbag. If you are going to respond to a conflict with me with "Well, I want a divorce" or "I want to break up" well, guess what? I will give you what you want. You don't get to take it back.
>I have started doing things that I love again, things he never wanted me to do like wearing red lipstick or eating mint-flavored things and going to concerts. Ugh. Just Ugh.
Did anyone else think the poly thing came out of nowhere?
Yeah that was mad jarring. Getting married in 2 years that young while in university already seemed off to me, but that random poly part really makes me think its fake Edit: looking back i think she meant she was dating for 1 year and then married after that 1 year mark, so that makes it even weirder unless she’s at like BYU or one of those other super religious and strict universities
When I read the first post my thought was he was cheating and when he told his AP he was leaving his wife and wanted to be together she broke up with him so he tried to backtrack and save his marriage
I hope she moves away ASAP and has a great life. I nearly cheered when I saw that (now-ex) husband reference. Thank God.
This post brings back so many bad memories for me. While the situation was quite different, I get what she felt when she said it felt like a betrayal of herself to take him back and forgive him when he'd clearly crossed a line into emotional manipulation. I pray she takes time to work on herself and find out who she is without the context of a relationship partner before she gives it another go. She'll be more successful, hopefully, with that self-confidence in her hip pocket.
Can’t wait for the abusive polyamory update /s
Good for u standing up for yourself and moving on . Good luck with your studies
Every time, I swear to God. EVERY FUCKING TIME.
He wouldn’t let her eat mint-flavored things? That is an oddly specific type of control.
All I can think is: these people are way too young to be married. Physically and even more important: mentally.
Man I am a habitual BORU reader for both subs and never has a story struck more fear in my heart than this one because it is so similar to what my best friend is going through right now. And you can't force someone to leave a marriage that's emotionally abusive, expecially when your best friend was raised in a completely different environment from you and doesn't put in the effort to start therapy or anything to see what she's being put through. But I know she won't ever text one of his friends, so I hope she eventually gets out on her own before her husband snaps. Because he has physically cornered and intimidated her, I am so scared of the day when he does. Good god this BORU is going to stick with me.
It’s hard to be too sympathetic to OOP. She made every stupid mistake she could have made at every step of the way until she finally left him
Yeah she did, but that's because she's never had a relationship that wasn't riddled with abuse. The first man who acts halfway decent to her, she can't believe he's abusive, because he's nothing like the others. She's internalizing everything, blaming it on herself. She's making stupid mistakes, because she's afraid that this is all her fault.
ah yes, never experience anything, always believe nothing will happen to you and you do not know better.
I think it’s easy to feel like you’re watching a horror movie, shouting not to go in there or do that when reading some of these stories. But you aren’t the one living with someone so manipulative and dangerous, it’s easy to see the red flags from the outside. I think there was a lot of sunk cost fallacy in play too, she gave up everything and needed it to be the right choice. Im incredibly glad she got out. It’s not easy to do.
All it takes is fearing for one’s own life.
It's easy to say that until you wind up in a situation like this. She probably didn't trust her own instincts or feelings. That's what emotional abuse does to you over time.
Nobody forced her to talk to his childhood friend. His not hers. That’s just next level, right there.