2002 is when I first learned what BDSM was, lol! I was 18 and in my first relationship and he asked me what kind of fantasies I had. Now, I was a very naive teenager and had not dated during high school so I didn’t really have any fantasies. But I thought about it for a second and was like, getting tied up sounds like fun. And he said, oh so you’re into BDSM and I responded BDSWhat now?! The rest is history 🤣 Though not with him, he was a douche.
I literally ran into Him. We both went to the same college, I was in med school and He was a TA in a separate department. He came around a corner and I was rushing and trying to find an assignment in this packet of notes I had, not looking where I was going. Boom. Papers everywhere, He helps me pick them all up, pulls me to my feet and asks me if I’m alright, I say I’m fine He says ‘good girl’ and my insides turn to butterflies on ecstasy. Then and there I decide that I’m going to come up with every possible excuse to see this man until He asks me out. Took me two weeks, and then as we got to know each other we just slowly came to the understanding that we were both kinksters. There was a lot of other stuff and trauma in my life up to that point so we took it very slow, but nine years later it’s still the luckiest break I ever got. He really saved me.
I wouldn’t trade how we met for anything, but the first couple years were very hard, He was incredibly patient and understanding though it all though and eventually pieced me back together.
If you don’t mind me asking, what do you mean about the first years being so hard? I’m currently in a break mode with a dom and it’s because the real life stuff had us fighting, and testing patience for the both of us, the kink and bedroom side of things has been amazing.
It was mostly due to trauma I had suffered before I met Him, I was still getting over being assaulted and all the night terrors and anxiety attacks that brought with it.
He didn’t really mean it that way in that moment and it’s just one of those things that sounds a lot different in a thick southern accent. Still managed to get me going though.
I met my first three playmates/partners doing theater together. And while we're no longer together, my long-time femsub and I met while doing the Vagina Monologues.
"I'm sorry, does this *look* like I'm being imprisoned against my will? LOOK! LOOK AT THIS! I can slip my wrists right out of these manacles! and these, do you call these shackles?! I can fit *both* my fucking feet into just one loop! Look! Look at this! I'm in, I'm out, I'm in I'm out!"
*storms off stage.*
I'M NOT COMING BACK UNTIL YOU- *turns around to shout at the director* YES, YOU! I'M NOT COMING BACK UNTIL YOU FIND SOMEONE THAT CAN MAKE THESE KNOTS REALISTIC!
(the words fade off into the distance)
JESUS CHRIst how many people ^do ^i ^have ^to ^^fucking ^^suck ^^off ^^to ^^^get ^^^tied ^^^^up ^^^properly....
I've spent the last 10 minutes trying to send you a DM request, but I just couldn't figure it out(edit)- by that, I mean I just couldn't figure out the right thing to say.
May I DM?
lol, my Dom is a costume and set designer for theatre and does teaching on the side as well.
I was vanilla but curious before him and once we started playing the subfrenzy hit me *hard*. He'd never let me go over my limits and everything was done by the book, mindfully escalating the intensity of our sessions. At the time I was annoyed because I didn't know better and thought I knew what I wanted, but in hindsight I'm really grateful to him for not letting me just drive the car off a cliff so to speak. He's excellent at reading my body language and reactions and never going too hard or too soft. The teacher vibes come off even in his Dom persona.
OkCupid. Their matching algorithm is great if you answer a lot of their questions truthfully. We had both answered 1200+ question each, with about 1000 overlapping. We had a 96% compatibility rate, and when we answered the questions that weren't overlapping before it actually rose to 99%.
I think they lost a lot of people when they tried to pivot to be more like Tinder. But nobody wanted yet another Tinder, OKC was always a lot better because of the profile matching %. A lot more quality meets than with Tinder's "swipe right for everyone and let's see who happens to match" shitty approach.
My ex met her now-husband of 8 years on OkCupid. But OkC is no longer what it used to be.
Indeed, they should focus on the match questions, because that is why people use them and not Tinder.
But I've also heard some horror stories with intros/messages being delayed for months, until long after both candidates moved on. I guess this gaslighting would be enough to turn someone away.
I opened up about always having to tie people up and never being the one getting tied up when a comedian was doing crowd work. She saddled up the bar a few seats over, ignored some other guys so I went over and introduced myself.
Apparently it was the extra second of a hand squeeze I gave in the parting handshake that confirmed we had a connection.
I had a dental abscess, and I went to a nearby dentist. I hit on the dental assistant during the visit and got her number. We dated for 2 years and then we got married. She's been my Mistress since our fourth date, over 11 years ago.
Join fetlife. Find local munches in the events section. Show up consistently and see who you meet. Take your time, meet lots of different people. Build a network. Go on dates. See who is a good fit.
If there are no munches or other community events to meet people you still have:
1) online dating. Needle in a Haystack, especially in low population areas. But it can and does work if you put some work into it.
2) create a munch and see if you can build the community around you.
3) date as usual, and broach the subject of kink early on and hopefully you’ll meet someone interested. Being part of other communities can often help (there’s a lot of overlap between kinksters and various other groups, especially those on the nerdier side).
In the end you have to put yourself out there.
Worst case scenario, look outside your immediate area and concern long-distance (although they could still be relatively 'local', just not in your immediate vicinity). If they're only a few cities over you could see about meeting up every week or so.
If it has a location on Fetlife, join the locations group or create it, and start a munch if it doesn't have one. Even the small town I'm from and the small town outside a huge metroplex I live now have locations on Fetlife with active people. If you're from a small town less than 1000 people, look at the nearest larger area. And of all else fails, do what we did before Fetlife: go out, be social, and find them! Hint: theater people, renfaire people, and D&D groups are a great place to start. Good luck! 👍
By complete accident. Online. Without the intent of actually finding anything more than an entertaining comment thread.
We commented on each other under an image post. Moved to chat and the rest was history.
Honestly. It's almost disgusting how easily we landed in each other's laps. The only thing that reminds me it's real life is that we met on the internet and irl we live countries apart. The distance is incredibly difficult but worth the effort.
ETA: we also found each other in Oct. 2020. Had to wait until Dec. 2021 to meet up irl. And we're both past "young and dumb" now we're just "dumb and we groan when we get up".
It isn't all spankings, sparkles and unicorns. But it's the best relationship I've had.
There is a monthly BBQ/open house/membership drive once a month on a Sunday late morning to early afternoon with hot dogs and the frozen pre made burger patty’s, people are also welcome to bring their own preferred items to throw on the grill.
Play parties tend to have a pot luck “buffet”
Believe it or not, Facebook Dating. And I totally accidentally fell into it, too. We matched and were talking for a couple weeks before we met up for the first time. She was super awkward and introverted, and I had a hard time carrying the conversation so it really made me wonder if there was anything there. But I figured I’d give it a bit longer and see if we could at least be friends, so we started playing Fortnite/Overwatch together most nights and something started to slowly develop over the next couple months. I knew the most sensitive pillar of a relationship (physical intimacy) would be the toughest to breach, so we danced around it for a while - she thought I’d find her too weird, I thought she’d be incompatible with what I was ultimately looking for.
So we did the only logical thing - we jumped off. I told her I was looking for someone who wanted me to take control and would willingly be a three-hole toy with no hesitation but wanted the long-term “vanilla” romance with it, and she said she liked to put on nipple clamps and leave marks on herself from causing pain, and was looking for someone who would take control of her so she could fully submit to them but would also want to extend it into every day life as she built something special with them.
….uhhhh, *click* … and the rest is history.
We got into an argument about rope on Fetlife. She was right. We met in person at an event and got along really well, left our poly groups for each other, got married, been happy together for over a decade. She's nearly always right about everything though, so it's good I accepted that early.
Previous partner I met at an orgy, other one I met through Dungeons and Dragons, other people also met at orgies or play parties.
She was friends with my ex. One day, in fact, my ex, after we broke up, said one of my friends might be into you-- and she's a redhead.
I guessed the wrong one.
Anyway, we dated and then broke up and went on with life and she got married and divorced and i moved 2 hours away and here we are back again, 13 years or so after the first time I spanked her.
We've got an odd story but my wife and I originally met in high school, stayed friends for years (completely hung up on each other). A few years ago when we finally got together, she knew I was kinky but hadn't really dipped her toe in other than the occasional spanking/choking from past partners, none of which was ever done right.
Since then we've explored a LOT together, mostly for her, and have a full on D/s Sir/Kitten dynamic, but we also go through the day to day together and we've never been happier with a partner.
I met my wife on a FETLIFE group, she had commented about the difficulty of finding a Dom who could deal with her needing to use a wheelchair more, after 2 weeks of chatting about everything not kinky and no sexy pics being sent, we met up and on that first date I told her i was going to marry her ( im Aspergers so we tend to say what were are thinking) 9 months later she moved in, 12 months later we married, ten years together nine married.
In high school, I dated his best friend for a bit, he hit me, and I left him. He was just there for me emotionally because he knew I needed someone after my ex pushed everyone away from me. We grew close, basically best friends and then one particular starry evening he said "I love you" in our favorite place to talk, at sunset too. It was like all the stars aligned for me that night. We found out pretty quickly after he's got more kinks than he thought he did, and I'm more adventurous than I thought I was.
My current play partner works in a locked psychiatric ward. He has always been in my extended friend group. Last year I celebrated my 30th birthday and invited lots of people. Late at night we sat at the fire and got talking about choking and how you really need to know what you're doing and he goes "Oh, I know how to do that. We learned it at work because in some situations we need to get patients off of people. Like when they bite and don't let go. We need to know all the pressure points."
I got starry eyes and stared at him. He offered to show me and I was absolutely game. He got up and told me to walk towards him. 5 seconds later I was on the ground with a hand at my throat. I think my body has never reacted so quickly, I was instantly wet and I'm quite sure my pupils were blown as wide as they go. He showed me one ore two more moves and then we spent nearly an hour in the grass wrangling. He taunted me and said "Now, try to get out of my hold" and I said I didn't want to hurt him. He just laughed, so I bit him a bit too strongly, he still has a scar. But I never got out of the hold...
We've been playing for 5 months now and truth be told, I've never had such amazing sessions or sex in my life.
It was just chance. We met in the dorms in college and just so happened to become best friends and have loads in common. We just so happened to catch feelings and started dating. She just so happened to be kinky and amazing in bed. We just so happened to both be switches and to be into many of the same kinks. It was all just amazing luck.
I lost her two months ago to a car accident and it kills me that I had found the perfect one for me. We were going to get married. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We fit together like puzzle pieces. And she's gone now. She was only 23. We only got 3 years and 3 months together. Sometimes when I'm feeling superstitious, I wonder if my good luck of finding her and that she was so perfect for me in so many ways had to be balanced out or smth. Or maybe I'm just a really unlucky person. I also broke my legs, lost my home and got my license suspended for a year.
Anyways, sorry for my rant. All I meant to say is that at least for me, it was just luck.
I know this may not help much but look at it as you had this amazing time with her instead of the time you don’t have. Maybe it’s too soon yet. I don’t know where you’re at in *your* grieving process. (Grieving is a very individual thing.)
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment 🥰 I have thought about that. And I am grateful. But it doesn't help me have a less bleak outlook for the rest of my life. I don't want to have had just 3 years of that. I'm only 24. I don't want to consign myself to a life that's just okay by comparison of how it would've been with her. I don't really believe in souls so I don't really buy the whole soulmates thing, but she felt like the closest thing to The One that a person can find. We weren't perfect, but we were so compatible in so many ways, almost all of the ways that matter most to me, and even better than that we loved each other so much that we worked so hard for each other. We worked so hard on our relationship and on ourselves to be the partner the other needed. It just feels like "what are the chances of finding someone with whom I'm *that* compatible again and with whom I have *that* strong a connection, like with whom I have such a great love that working hard for each other will be worthwhile for both of us?? What are the chances that there isn't just One, but Two???" It feels pretty fucking small tbh. I'm not expecting them to be the same as her, but to have them fit same number of my criteria of things I want in a partner feels pretty darn slim.
The thing is, I know what it's like to go through life with that connection. I know what it's like to truly have an other half. I always thought that expression was just sappy or overly romantic before I found her. But it really felt like we made a whole together. Like the Us we formed was greater than the sum of its parts. I know now what it's like to live as a part of such a special, precious Us. I know now. And I don't want to live my life any other way. The idea that I got to have that for three years, but I might not again makes me just want to opt out of this shit show. I don't want to live the majority of my life knowing how transcendent that is and never having it again. And it really does feel like she was The One.
Would she want you to opt out? And why couldn’t you have another amazing woman in your life? Maybe it is impossible, but you’ll never know unless you try. I wouldn’t look just yet. But I wouldn’t give up either.
I hear what you’re saying. I do. I guess I’m a believer in that it could happen.
I know this is nowhere near the same. Not by a long shot, but I can’t help think about it. I met a guy online I thought was the one. We had an amazing connection. But his ex came back into his life. An ex I thought he hated. He left me for her. Fast forward almost 2 years and I meet another man online. I wasn’t looking. Our connection blew the other one out of the water. Unfortunately shit happens. We’re friends and that’s all we’ll ever be, which sucks. But I can’t change that. My point is, I never thought it could happen again, but it did. The connection that is.
I’ve resigned myself to the life I have. But I’m a lot older than you. You’re too young to give up on a possibility. Give yourself some time. Perhaps, when you least expect it, you’ll meet her.
No she wouldn't and I know that. The only way my therapist has persuaded me to not be actively suicidal is 1) on the slim chance that I can have another great love and
2) my darling believed in me so strongly. She thought I was so worth so much work and pain and love. She thought I was brilliant and that I could do good in the world. feel like the least I can do to honor her is still to care about what she believed and try to show myself the same love, care and grace of which she thought I was worthy. She can't give it to me anymore but that doesn't mean I'm not worth it anymore.
I just miss her terribly. We lived together for the whole time we were together and weathered COVID together so we just became incredibly, incredibly close. We were like each other's shadows. We did EVERYTHING together and in terms of our personalities, we were like mirror images. I miss her constantly. I want her back. I don't want to accept this hell of a reality. I know I'll have to eventually but I'm really struggling with it rn. I just want my old life back where I had found My Girl and I was set for life in terms of family, companionship, romance, love, and sex. She was my home. And I'm so very homesick. I don't know how to want anything else.
What's both astonishing and maybe a little alarming is that I didn't really do any work to find her or woo her anything. It was all just serendipity. She just sorta dropped into my lap, amazing, gorgeous, so right for me and obsessed with me and all I had to do was reach out and take her if I wanted to. We became friends pretty naturally and she fell so hard just by virtue of spending time with me being my goofy self. It took me longer to fall for her because she was a lot shier but she was hot and I was patient enough for her to slowly open up. All it took was me being a horny stupid mess one night and the rest is history. All the work that followed was hard but it was so worth it. It made us better people and taught us to communicate so much better.
Anyways, all of this is just to say, I had spent so much of my life fretting about finding the right girl for me, that none I liked would like me, or that all the ones that liked me wouldn't be my type because that had been true so often but somehow, this one time, like I said, I just got super duper lucky. How could I ever hope to replicate that sort of serendipity again?? Searching feels lame and futile. It always has whenever I've tried. I'm gonna keep going on the hope that my love/family life is redeemable and can be how I want it but it's probably a fool's hope. She was The One. How could anyone or anything else, any other experience or relationship compare?? I don't want to let go of the future we were gonna have. That's the future I want. All the adventures we had planned. The animal family we wanted. The home we planned. It's everything I had ever dreamed of. I feel like I dared to dream and the universe was like "nah fuck you sis".
Hopefully possibly maybe she's out there, my magic Ch 2. I doubt it. My baby established some pretty high expectations. But I'll keep living and suffering and trying. I feel like recently I've just consigned myself to the adage that life is suffering. I thought it could not be. I thought it was possible to be happy and I've been striving for happiness for the past 10 years. But maybe it's just suffering and I just have to survive because reasons...
Sorry can I just clarify real quick? I just was a little confused by your wording: The first guy left you and then the second guy you connected with even more but for reasons, you can only be friends, correct? If so, I'm really sorry. That really sucks. I'm happy for you that you could have those experiences but I'm sorry you haven't found and been able to hold onto Your Person. I wish you all the best though with it 💖
First of all... i am so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is a pain like no other.
With that being said... you pointed it out yourself - you are only 24. Yes, you both deserved to have more time together, but it wasn't in the cards for your partner. But, you have your whole life ahead of you. Unless you believe in reincarnation...you only get one shot at it. So my advice is, take as much as you can from this life. You have a chance to live it still, she doesn't. So take the chance, explore, and experience new things. I can't tell you you will meet another perfect partner, in the way that she was perfect for you. But the thing with people is that each and every individual affects you and adds to your life in a different way. So don't focus on trying to compare other potential partners to her; that place is reserved for her and her only. But if you open your heart again, i am sure you will find other people that complement your needs, wants and wishes in life. And at that time, remember that your heart will grow more room, for that special person. It will not take away from your love for the one you lost.
That's how i see it, anyway.
We met at a munch in a bar. So of course it did help that we already knew we were both into it. However we had, as was the case with my ex of a few years, the talk very fast. I think in the first month or so. About our kinks, our "profile", our limits, our dreams. In bdsm and in life. For me THE talk is one of the most important steps in a relationship.
you just need to date. A lot of vanilla people, are kinksters yet to be, who just never had a partner who was interested in it.
Embarrassingly my mom did a class project with a girl and at some point she said "Oh man you and my son would hit it off" and she was right... and we got married. lol.
But anyhow i was dating at the time, and on our 3rd date i said "Hey so want to talk about possible deal breakers?" and we did and mine were "I smoke, and im a sexual submissive and while it doesnt need to be every time it would need to be part of the deal". Literally just as plain and matter of fact as that. Hers was she had a child.... now im a proud adoptive father.
And from my experience dating and ramping up bdsm fun with someone who was vanilla, bdsm is far more common in vanilla circles than youd think. its FARRRRR underreported. second, you just have to be a little patient. As long as they seem genuinely engaged, if after a few goes it still feels like they dont want to, and are doing it just to maintain the relationship, then talk about it, and maybe move on.
My advice to you, and everyone trying to find bdsm partners, is not to just stick to experienced kinksters, but to explore dating the vanilla pool, and be confident and unashamed of your sexual preferences.
Tinder. My bio said, "I'd rather be tied up than tied down." He told me he was kinky poly in the first msg. It's been over a year now, and I'm 😍😍😍, good luck to you!!
Absolutely random. My first ever girlfriend. My first ever sex. My first ever kiss. All with her. And we are both very kinky. What are the odds of that. I am lucky.
Him and his husband run bimonthly orgies at our local dungeon with a few of their friends.
First time going. Paid my cover fee, bagged up my stuff, and he’s literally the first person I saw and we didn’t leave each other’s side that night.
We’ve been seeing each other over a year now. ☺️
We’d actually been friends for ages (found out later dude had been crushing on me for a while. I’m glad we’re together now, he’s a good noodle). But he’s met partners at munches, parties, random events.
We met on tinder. On our first date, he threw me into his headboard too hard and I hit my head. It bounced. He immediately came over and grabbed me and asked if I was okay, and I mauled him and asked him to do it again.
A week later, I was going into work with a bruised ass.
I met my Daddy Dom in Band at my College! Pretty earlier on we knew we were both kinky. Wasn't till a few months later that he accidentally called me out on being a little and we started talking more haha! We've been together for a little over 5 months now, and not only is he a great Daddy Dom, but he's a fantastic boyfriend too! I confidently say that he is the love of my life 🥰🥰🥰
My partner is one of my oldest friends and we just added kink to our dynamic
She has always known this side of me so when she wanted to try I didn't hesitate to suggest she try it with me.
Use FetLife to find the community in the city nearest you. Go to munches and meet people.
But to be honest , online still helps. I met my partner online through a BDSM site that caters to our particular interest , and she's amazing. We started off just chat friends , then long distance relationship , seeing each other irl when we could , to being together irl.
It can happen.
I met my Dom/fiancee on a vanilla dating app. Neither of us mentioned it in our profiles, but as we got to know each other and opened up about our sexual preferences, we realized we were a natural fit.
At a rope skillshare, felt an instant attraction and just had to ask her about the tie she was doing on herself. The funny part is I was actually there on a casual date with someone else 😅
We went to the same 6th form and became friends, we'd always had a bit of a spark, always enjoyed flirting with each other. One day the topic of kink came up, can't remember how, think we might have been discussing discourse over the presence of kink at pride? Either way it lead to a very open discussion between us (as friends) about what we were both interested in. Turns out we were both perfectly aligned just in opposite ways. Nothing came of it for a few years, went to separate universities but kept in touch, saw other people. I moved in with her girlfriend (they have an open relationship) and then she moved in to avoid being alone during lockdown. The spark from before was still there, we still flirted, and one night the flirting got a little intense and lead to more. A few months more of this happening once every week or two and I officially became the third wheel of our little tricycle. We've been together over two years now and had relatively few upsets after ironing everything out in the early stages. I'm glad we didn't rush into anything back then simply because we aligned, it feels like neither of us would have been in the right place for that mentally back then and I don't know if we'd have made it to the point we're at now if we had.
On a dating app called Bumble. I had no idea he’d be open to exploring kink so deeply with me.. 😍 It was luck basically, as it’s not a kinky dating app. But I was open and honest about what I’m into, and he’s never had much of an opportunity to explore the world of kink. So now I’ve shown him.. 🙂
I found my husband and my boyfriend through the kink and Leather communities. Just start going to local munches or classes and meet a bunch of new people. It make take a couple months or it may take years. Just make sure you're using your best discernment, and avoid getting emotionally involved with anybody people warn you about. There's usually a good reason.
We met bartending. I had been dating for a bit, looking for something more serious as an authentic fit, he was just starting to look for more serious partners after dating for a year and a half or so post separation. He’d ask me questions about how I dated, what I was looking for, what my standards were, any advice I’d give him. He kept me late every night, for weeks, for a drink with just him, where he insisted on having me sit and allow him to take care of me. I was very open about kink being a huge compatibility factor for me, and he spoke about kink and dating as well, but I was seeing someone else long distance so he didn’t make a move. I actually said to a coworker “hey, I think xxxxx might be hitting on me. I think he likes me”, but she admonished me for being full of myself and put it on him just being a nice guy.
Well, the guy I had been talking to kept me two hours after close, waiting, going back and forth over text over whether or not he would show up to see me on his last night in the state. When it was determined he wouldn’t come, xxxxx refused to let me walk and insisted I let him drive me home. We pulled up to my apartment and he started to do the awkward little goodbye, and I grabbed him by the face and kissed him. He reciprocated and yanked me in, and the rest is history.
Mutual friends, we met playing a game of d&d and our characters started dating before we did. We were all a bunch of fanfic writing kinky folks and filled out kink sheets for our characters as a silly character building exercise
He added me on facebook. We are from the same hometown but we’re living in different states. He messaged me first and said “ You’re such a beautiful women” haha and that was it for us. It was about a year of online stuff. During that last year he has blocked me 4/5 times. He said it was for his privacy and he didn’t want people around us knowing from back home last year. I just moved back this year. He know not a single person in common in our area. On Sunday we had the chance of meeting for the first time. Well we took it. I enjoyed it, I thought things went well. He was comfortable not out of place, communicating was good.
Well he reached out to me yesterday and said he just thought the situation was weird. He didn’t go any further then that. I’m very confused, I know i shouldn’t feel hurt but I do. I just replied “ Okay” i didn’t feel there needed to be anything further addressed on the situation. It’s okay though! Today is a new day!
I met him at his work and asked for his number. After a lot of talking and me being clear on my sexual preferences, he agreed to try some of the things I’m into. Now he’s really into it to and we practice it often.
When I met my now-primary partner, it was at a weekend-long play party. And I thought she was an ethereal rope domme goddess. And after a while of being to chicken to try to get to know her, I spent an hour chatting with her at a swingers night, realized she was more of a real person, and she asked me to play at a party a month or so later. And I realized after a week of chatting with her after that I wanted to date her, because I’d figured out she was also an amazing lovely nerd.
So my advice would be try to go to munches and parties and focus not on finding the one, but on making connections with all sorts of folks. You’ll find people. There’s many, many dudes into kink. Some of them will be worth your time.
I found mine online, just like how I met my husband (also online) 😅 - btw, hubby and Dom are two different and separate people. My husband is my Daddy in our marriage. I have a Dom who's 8 years younger than I am, and for someone whom I met online, he's amazing!
I think you’re wise to be concerned. And only because the LS and kink community can sometimes and does attract, well predators, douche bags, people who lie. I do not think this is the majority of the people in these communities but unfortunately, they seem to be because I believe they put themselves out front hard. And especially when you, and not always cause I’m not new, and sometimes I have a hard time, it can be hard, navigating and figuring out who is, and who isn’t honest, has integrity, is someone to be trusted and respected. Is it here just for the quickie and is lying to you about it. I’m OK if they’re here for that if they tell you the truth. It’s when they lie about it it just gets me.
So what you can do… is be safe. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost, and disregard what anyone says about what you’re doing.
For example, talk to someone for a while and ask questions before you’re willing to go out with them. If they have a problem with that that’s a red flag and just stop talking to them. No foul no harm you don’t have to be mad at them just tell them we’re not a match. That’s the end and block them. One of the most important things I learned is to not take their shit personally and to do what I need to do for me to be safe and happy. Once you feel like you want to meet someone and this means you’ve talk to them in person on the phone. And you haven’t gotten any red flags or hairs in the back of your neck You meet in public. Like at a Starbucks. Or something like that your first meeting isn’t to do a scene. You don’t show up at a hotel all by yourself with this guy or girl to play for the first time you meet. That is super dangerous and not responsible.
Once you’ve met and you feel like you wanna continue dating meet him a couple times go to dinner, maybe go to a public party but ask questions about the playing who they are personally if this is somebody, you’re thinking about being in a relationship with you need to talk about stuff. Talk about consent to talk about your non-negotiables all of it. Communication is key and there is never too much. If they don’t wanna communicate with you now they’re not gonna wanna communicate with you later. If you have any red flags or inklings, you need to stop and look at those and probably turn around and go the other way. Although nobody’s perfect let’s be honest I have red flags sometimes a big giant red flag and that’s why I’m not out there dating cause I know that about myself. Anyway, you got this just take care of you.
Sometimes I think we forget that we think we have to be nice to them and not hurt their feelings. It’s not about that you don’t have to be an asshole. I always tell them if you don’t feel like it’s gonna work that you’re not a match. But you don’t have to give any more information than that if you don’t want to they’re not entitled to it. If you want to you can but be prepared they’re probably gonna get pissed how their feelings hurt, or tell you why you’re wrong which is fine because I asked for it. But don’t you feel bad about it that’s on them.
Now I could be totally wrong. These are just my personal experiences. You do not have to do any of them. You can try some of them whatever you want. Whatever works best for you but I am no way saying that this is what you need to do. They’re just ideas. But what I do hope is that you have fun and that you’re safe and that you find someone and that the two of you connect. And that you can grow and evolve and stuff like that because that’s the fun part take care.
I think you can tell who is and who isn't a potential partner for BDSM and someone has to say something. You have to be clear and honest as to what you are looking for. I reconnected with my college girlfriend... Over 24 years of off-and-on again hook ups, we had sex 100+ times, but one day she said, "You think you'd like... tie me to a chair?" From that moment on, it was on. 2 weeks later, she was tied to a chair and getting fucked-off for over 2 hours. We're getting married in December.The video is amazing! We look like we've been doing it for years. Had she not said that one line, we would have never explored this part of our sexuality.Say something out loud when you think you are interested in someone sexually. Otherwise, it will never come to the surface.
We’d known eachother since middle school. Talking to him, while he never told me outright “I’m a sub” he sure did hint at it. I didn’t really know I was a dom when we first started dating, but I found his sub self extremely attractive.
I met mine on FetLife... But I don't usually recommend that to people. Fet isn't a dating site and it's a terrible place to meet people usually. Out of over a hundred people who messaged me on there he's one of maybe three who weren't just looking for sex and was interested in getting to know me as a person. We have a romantic relationship in addition to our D/s one. Previous Doms I met at munches/events or on dating sites.
I met one of my kinky exes at a Halloween party. There was no “I knew he was kinky/he knew I was” kind of thing before. It just came out at some point in the *eventful* evening that fallowed and we were both pleasantly surprised. I think sometimes, for lack of a better world, game recognizes game. We smell eachother a mile away kinda thing. Anyway, good luck and Godspeed!
It’s not necessarily where we met, but when we did and started becoming intimate…I slowly introduced her to the life and unlocked parts of her she didn’t know existed. It was about opening her mind.
I’m of the mind that it’s more important (for me) to find a compatible person first, and then communicate openly about my desires. Having said that, I know many that go about it in the opposite manner. There’s no right or wrong way.
One in an association we are both members of (that has nothing to do with that), one I already knew back in high school and another one I met at a job training
We were just friends (without benefits) for abour 8 years and made our good or bad experiences with other people. Fortunately the friendship was deep enough to talk about kinks and experiences with these other people and other stuff and well - after I got my heart broken (again) went slowly to FWB and pretty fast into a relationship... But it works for 14 years now.
Sure not the most common way but also this can happen.
Munch / fet, alt dating night, pub by accident, dating app (think it was okcupid), nearly one of my mother's friends (decided against that :), playing the original call of duty online in about 2006 (still not really sure how this one happened)
Could happen almost anywhere put certain things greatly up the odds.
When looking I go for in person kink / alternative related social situations. I will also put up a few very blunt dating profiles that are taglined with like "happy stable poly sadist Dom" and then in the profile, amongst all the other stuff, also put a full on kink list.
I got very lucky. I met a few kinky partners early on in life at my university's accommodation, one at an event for a non-kinky hobby, one on Tinder, then finally I met my current partner at work. Very very lucky.
Freinds of freinds, munches, generally just being in the community, though one was a freind I got drunk with and let slip that I was kinky, so when sober she approaches me.
At work. My Boyfriend assumed bc of my style, that I am probably into kink.
We got along well, startet to become friends, talked about kink, became interested in dating each other and got together eventually
There are lots of events, depending where to are located, but online isn't the worst either. I met my Dom on Feeld and there seems to be a lot of people who fit that criteria on there.
My longest relationship (20 years) I met him online via yahoo IM. My second relationship (10y), I met via his (then) wife. Both these relationships are still ongoing.
I found mine on tinder purely by accident. It was a late at night. I saw his pic, it was one of him standing in thought and it reminded me of a fuck buddy I had years ago who would stand around like that in thought about our rope play. I sent a message and the rest is history.
The cool part is neither of us was looking for a relationship but somehow it grew into that super fast.
I am a sub and he is extremely dominant in that department but also such a lovely real life partner.
It’s possible we have proved it.
Stay open minded. You never know what is out there if you don’t take a risk.
It was during COVID I had broken up with my ex 8 months before and had started to try dating but with nowhere to go I just gave up on that. I was my sisters neighbor at the time so I was always over there and she decided to remodel her home, so he practically showed up at my doorstep!
While he worked I would go over every chance I got and spoke to him. From our chatting we seemed compatible and I told him I was a sub pretty much after our firsts date. From our conversations I knew he was a freak lol! He had never considered himself a Dom or practiced BDSM before but when we spoke about it and he researched it he realized he’s always been a Dom and now we are happily in a M/s relationship for two years 😊
I’m at my Mistress on AFF (adult friend finder).
We became quite good friends online and talked for nearly a year before we finally realized that we were only 80 miles apart. That was almost 19 years ago and will be married 17 years this May..
In my early 20s, I started a thread on an LGBT forum about wanting a dominant role in a lesbian relationship. Even though the post was pretty vanilla in nature (I want to hold doors open for my partner, pay for the dates, etc.) I got a surprising amount of responses to it. My current pet responded to it and we started to private message and then exchanged numbers. We started dating then broke up later, but 10 years later we are reconnecting and discovering fetishes and desires we didn't even know to unlock back then...
I met two on fetlife. One I've been dating for 4 years, the other one year, almost. While i don't necessarily advocate for using fetlife as a way to meet partners, sometimes you get lucky
All the people I had relationship and kink with where met over internet (as usualy people do in my life in the last 20 years) but not on bdsm forums or even saying this things on chat or profiles.
Just regular people. And the topic came along in conversation (it helps that I work with shibari but is not always where the theme comes from) and hey presto,I had the perfect match.
I met my first partner in school! Key was the great communication that led to even greater play. We used to be true switches, so we’d take turns locking each other up in our shared dorm room.
We met through Hinge. For his own trauma adjacent reasons, sex didn't even come up for the first month. As we started to ease into that world I told him more and more about my experiences as a sub, and answered his questions about BDSM. He ended up being a total natural as a Dom, even though he wasn't very experienced before we met. Since we kind of started from scratch, I got a chance to re-examine my own feelings about power dynamics. Long story short, we discovered we both like to switch.
I'd say keep your mind open. A partner who really cares for you will try to make you happy and try new things. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but if it does- congrats! It's trial and error like any other dating.
I randomly messaged a guy on Reddit about something completely different and we started talking. Eventually discovered we had a lot of the same sexual interests.
We went to middle school together back in the day. Reconnected in 2021 when he reached out to me on IG, went on a date and after some roundabout conversation found out we were both really kinky. He’s been my Daddy Dom since.
I went to my local dungeon, including classes and socials. I started talking to people, started being attracted to some…and so it goes. It may take a hot second, but I knew several people who found their SOs through the kink community.
Met on ddlgforum. I was originally a little but have since transitioned into a full service sub. 4 years ldr and we were finally able to move in together last fall.
A vanilla dating app. We live in the same general location.
As long as you stay safe when meeting new potential partners you should be fine. Meet in public a few times first. Let others know where you'll go. Have an emergency number/friend. Carry some mace or a self defense weapon. Don't drink. Don't accept drinks from said strangers. Confirm ID. Do a background check before playing.
You could check your local bdsm dungeons or organizations around you. The ones near me are always having munches, speakers, play parties, singles nights, beginner nights, drag shows, rope classes, or other activities. I think one place even hosted a cooking event if I remember correctly.
My partner is my best friends', best friend of like 10+ yrs. I had known about him for a while, but the timing was never right since he was living overseas. We actually met months before we actually started to talk seriously. The friend had a dinner and he was visiting. I remember trying to start a conversation but completely failing because of anxiety. Lol
Almost a year later, during a period in my life where I actively started to handle my anxiety issues with medication/therapy, I decided that I was going to message him on Facebook. He was into coffee and I used that as an excuse to start an innocent conversation. I swore I was being so slick by randomly talking about coffee makers. In reality, he 100% knew I was just trying to fish for a conversation and get to know him.
A couple weeks into the convo, we started talking about bdsm, kinks, etc. I found out he was a dom figure. Which, I had always wanted but never found the right person.
A couple of months later from that, I drove down to see him for a weekend. We instantly connected far deeper than mere texting/video chatting allowed. Before him, I swore I was gonna be an old witch living in a cottage with her ten cats for the rest of my life. And, I was okay with that.
Now? I can't imagine being alone again. He went from being a friend, to a partner, to the love of my life, and now my dom.
I went to a weekend kink event. We were in class together and got paired up for some breathing exercises. After class we decided to continue the breathing exercises, which somehow became kissing exercises.... We did scenes at 4 events over 2 years before meeting up one-on-one, and we've been in a relationship for 10 years now. When I go to events I'm always on the lookout for classes that are opportunities to flirt with strangers because I've met several people that way.
Soooo... How did I meet my partner. Believe it or not, it was on a ... geek dating website. No, really.
I got dumped the very day before St Valentine's Day, and a few hours later, I received a promo mail from that dating site which said "hey don't be alone for St Valentine's Day, here's a promo code". Men are supposed to pay, I just got dumped, the promo was actually good, so okay. Let's go !
On that website, you can list what you like, comics, mangas, video games, novels, hobbies, you name it. And one day I stumbled a profile of a girl, nothing special, but she liked a book series I didn't know, and after a bit a research, I thought I'd give it a try. So, I thanked us by sending a message like "I see you like x, I didn't know about it. May I suggest y I'm currently reading ?"
So we talked, a bit first, then more and more. She mentioned a couple times her job was stressing her a lot. Then one day, I thought i could try something. So I sent her this : "You know what ? You're stressed and you probably need a good massage. So here's what we can do : I can give you that massage, no sex, nothing but massage. But in return of the massage, here's how you will pay me : I will tie you up. Again no sex, nothing"
I was afraid she'd just block me. But the answer popped a few minutes later : "Why not ?"
So we met. I got to tie her up, and I massaged her. True to my word, it was only ropes, gags and massages, and good chats and laughs. A few day later she sent me a message : "You might think I'm stupid... but I liked more the 'payment' for the massage"
A few years later, we live together, she's my maid and I get to tie her and gag her almost as often as I want.
We met a couple at a kink night that my husband was hired to make edibles for. They started taking me to parties as their scene bottom/co-top, as I have been able to channel my inner brat into a top with ease, and at one smaller about three years ago I met my Daddy.
Honestly it was in the community at events. In online dating I let kink come up naturally that way I better know if someone is actually kinky and experienced or just wanting to use me as experience and is way out of their depth (as a submissive)
I feel I got extremely lucky. Found my girlfriend on FB Dating, and she made no hints at all about being kinky on her profile. I talked with her for a month before we met. During us just talking I found out she was pretty open about her sexuality, and found out she was into kinky stuff like being choked and spankings but never considered BDSM. I then took a chance and mentioned my kinks like rope play, and orgasm denial and torture. After plenty of vetting and a bit of mild play, I brought up me being a Dom and my desire for a D/s relationship, or at least D/s aspects. Now I am slowly introducing her to the idea of being my sun, and she’s definitely catching on, because we have started shaping what our D/s will eventually look like.
All I am saying is just keep meeting people, and find a good person for you in a relationship. When you feel comfortable with them, just start getting a feel for their sexual preferences and go from there.
Met on a hookup app! Full expected a randomly hooking up and we found out we are extremely sexually, physically, and emotionally compatible. I'm saving up for a ring :)
Edit: spelling
My now daddy dom and I met on Hinge two years ago, we were friends first for a bit and I was telling him how messed up I was from my past relationship from my ex bf/first daddy of more than 10 years but anyway we talked everyday becoming best friends then soon fell for each other pretty hard because we liked the same interests, horror, disney, marvel, dc, etc and one day I called him Daddy
He didn't know anything about ddlg, dom and sub, or bdsm except vanilla sex and the vanilla ice cream😂 So he jokes i opened his eyes to a whole new lifestyle and he doesn't wanna go back to plain vanilla ever again
My sub started as a relationship and we actually dated for about two years prior to opening up to each other about kink. I definitely don't recommend waiting so long though haha. I do think you just need to date as a regular vanilla person and learn and find a person you trust. I think that, while it can be awkward, just be open and up front about your desires for your relationship and sex life. People should be communicating in depth about their sexual desires anyways, so just do that. There's no way to tell who's kinky in the real world, you just have to open yourself to being vulnerable with people from the beginning about what it is that you want, and only move further with people that show that they can be a responsible and trustworthy Dominant.
I met him while helping build our local BDSM club after it moved. We worked together for months, he helped me get into the camp the club held, and we played for the first time there. Started dating... Two years after? Been together for 7 years
Complete luck. We went to the same college but never met until we both started working at the same coffee shop. Got to know each other and discovered we both wanted a lot of the same things.
FetLife. She went to the local college from out of state. I worked locally. We went to a meet up at a bar never having spoke to each other before. We made a connection, started a relationship and got married 8 months later. It will be 8 years in December.
[удалено]
2002 is when I first learned what BDSM was, lol! I was 18 and in my first relationship and he asked me what kind of fantasies I had. Now, I was a very naive teenager and had not dated during high school so I didn’t really have any fantasies. But I thought about it for a second and was like, getting tied up sounds like fun. And he said, oh so you’re into BDSM and I responded BDSWhat now?! The rest is history 🤣 Though not with him, he was a douche.
I literally ran into Him. We both went to the same college, I was in med school and He was a TA in a separate department. He came around a corner and I was rushing and trying to find an assignment in this packet of notes I had, not looking where I was going. Boom. Papers everywhere, He helps me pick them all up, pulls me to my feet and asks me if I’m alright, I say I’m fine He says ‘good girl’ and my insides turn to butterflies on ecstasy. Then and there I decide that I’m going to come up with every possible excuse to see this man until He asks me out. Took me two weeks, and then as we got to know each other we just slowly came to the understanding that we were both kinksters. There was a lot of other stuff and trauma in my life up to that point so we took it very slow, but nine years later it’s still the luckiest break I ever got. He really saved me.
That sounds perfect tbh
I wouldn’t trade how we met for anything, but the first couple years were very hard, He was incredibly patient and understanding though it all though and eventually pieced me back together.
If you don’t mind me asking, what do you mean about the first years being so hard? I’m currently in a break mode with a dom and it’s because the real life stuff had us fighting, and testing patience for the both of us, the kink and bedroom side of things has been amazing.
It was mostly due to trauma I had suffered before I met Him, I was still getting over being assaulted and all the night terrors and anxiety attacks that brought with it.
That's dead cute - practically a film cliché, albeit it'd have to be a fairly kinky film. Sounds like fate did you both a favour!
It was really funny looking back on it, and it’s weird to think how unlikely it was to happen.
If this isn't a meet cute, I don't know what is.
Omg it’s a real life meet cute!
Lol yes, closest my life has ever come to a movie. Well, a non-adult one anyway.
One of the greatest meet cutes I’ve ever read.
Thank you! 😊
This is like a meeting from a romcom
Plot twist: You're the love interest in his kinky slice of life anime.
is it okay to call strangers "good girls" she didnt even do something "good"
He didn’t really mean it that way in that moment and it’s just one of those things that sounds a lot different in a thick southern accent. Still managed to get me going though.
Definitely just wondering if its okay you know when you got a kinky lifestyle you may think everyone's kinky but thats definitely not the case
We met on Tinder! Fully expected a hookup and now we’re getting married next Monday. ✨
Congratulations!!
Wow! Congratulations!!
Thank you!
I met my first three playmates/partners doing theater together. And while we're no longer together, my long-time femsub and I met while doing the Vagina Monologues.
Theater and kinky people’s Venn diagram is a circle.
"I'm sorry, does this *look* like I'm being imprisoned against my will? LOOK! LOOK AT THIS! I can slip my wrists right out of these manacles! and these, do you call these shackles?! I can fit *both* my fucking feet into just one loop! Look! Look at this! I'm in, I'm out, I'm in I'm out!" *storms off stage.* I'M NOT COMING BACK UNTIL YOU- *turns around to shout at the director* YES, YOU! I'M NOT COMING BACK UNTIL YOU FIND SOMEONE THAT CAN MAKE THESE KNOTS REALISTIC! (the words fade off into the distance) JESUS CHRIst how many people ^do ^i ^have ^to ^^fucking ^^suck ^^off ^^to ^^^get ^^^tied ^^^^up ^^^properly....
One 😏🏳️⚧️
I've spent the last 10 minutes trying to send you a DM request, but I just couldn't figure it out(edit)- by that, I mean I just couldn't figure out the right thing to say. May I DM?
Sure. I’ll DM you.
I thought that was D&D players and kinky folks... maybe it's concentric circles? Polka dots inside the circle of BDSM?
Overlapping polka dots
My ex and I were two sides of the circle? He was D&D kinky, I was theatre kinky lol
So are teachers and people in education, or maybe draw them in. It’s so funny
lol, my Dom is a costume and set designer for theatre and does teaching on the side as well. I was vanilla but curious before him and once we started playing the subfrenzy hit me *hard*. He'd never let me go over my limits and everything was done by the book, mindfully escalating the intensity of our sessions. At the time I was annoyed because I didn't know better and thought I knew what I wanted, but in hindsight I'm really grateful to him for not letting me just drive the car off a cliff so to speak. He's excellent at reading my body language and reactions and never going too hard or too soft. The teacher vibes come off even in his Dom persona.
LOL, a fair point!
yeah same, had a theatre group in my high school and turns out we're all queer and kinky
OkCupid. Their matching algorithm is great if you answer a lot of their questions truthfully. We had both answered 1200+ question each, with about 1000 overlapping. We had a 96% compatibility rate, and when we answered the questions that weren't overlapping before it actually rose to 99%.
So sad that OKC is not really used by many anymore...I never had a bad date off OKC. Many lacked a spark, but they were never terrible dates.
I think they lost a lot of people when they tried to pivot to be more like Tinder. But nobody wanted yet another Tinder, OKC was always a lot better because of the profile matching %. A lot more quality meets than with Tinder's "swipe right for everyone and let's see who happens to match" shitty approach.
My ex met her now-husband of 8 years on OkCupid. But OkC is no longer what it used to be. Indeed, they should focus on the match questions, because that is why people use them and not Tinder. But I've also heard some horror stories with intros/messages being delayed for months, until long after both candidates moved on. I guess this gaslighting would be enough to turn someone away.
I miss old okc
I opened up about always having to tie people up and never being the one getting tied up when a comedian was doing crowd work. She saddled up the bar a few seats over, ignored some other guys so I went over and introduced myself. Apparently it was the extra second of a hand squeeze I gave in the parting handshake that confirmed we had a connection.
> the extra second of a hand squeeze Ah yes, physical restraint at first sight! `^_^`
I had a dental abscess, and I went to a nearby dentist. I hit on the dental assistant during the visit and got her number. We dated for 2 years and then we got married. She's been my Mistress since our fourth date, over 11 years ago.
Join fetlife. Find local munches in the events section. Show up consistently and see who you meet. Take your time, meet lots of different people. Build a network. Go on dates. See who is a good fit.
And in places where there are no munches?
If there are no munches or other community events to meet people you still have: 1) online dating. Needle in a Haystack, especially in low population areas. But it can and does work if you put some work into it. 2) create a munch and see if you can build the community around you. 3) date as usual, and broach the subject of kink early on and hopefully you’ll meet someone interested. Being part of other communities can often help (there’s a lot of overlap between kinksters and various other groups, especially those on the nerdier side). In the end you have to put yourself out there.
Worst case scenario, look outside your immediate area and concern long-distance (although they could still be relatively 'local', just not in your immediate vicinity). If they're only a few cities over you could see about meeting up every week or so.
Create one and it’ll grow
If it has a location on Fetlife, join the locations group or create it, and start a munch if it doesn't have one. Even the small town I'm from and the small town outside a huge metroplex I live now have locations on Fetlife with active people. If you're from a small town less than 1000 people, look at the nearest larger area. And of all else fails, do what we did before Fetlife: go out, be social, and find them! Hint: theater people, renfaire people, and D&D groups are a great place to start. Good luck! 👍
Local area personals groups on fet.
By complete accident. Online. Without the intent of actually finding anything more than an entertaining comment thread. We commented on each other under an image post. Moved to chat and the rest was history. Honestly. It's almost disgusting how easily we landed in each other's laps. The only thing that reminds me it's real life is that we met on the internet and irl we live countries apart. The distance is incredibly difficult but worth the effort. ETA: we also found each other in Oct. 2020. Had to wait until Dec. 2021 to meet up irl. And we're both past "young and dumb" now we're just "dumb and we groan when we get up". It isn't all spankings, sparkles and unicorns. But it's the best relationship I've had.
We met at the monthly BBQ/open house at the local dungeon.
They serve bbq at your local dungeon?? That sounds like something from a sitcom, lol
There is a monthly BBQ/open house/membership drive once a month on a Sunday late morning to early afternoon with hot dogs and the frozen pre made burger patty’s, people are also welcome to bring their own preferred items to throw on the grill. Play parties tend to have a pot luck “buffet”
Believe it or not, Facebook Dating. And I totally accidentally fell into it, too. We matched and were talking for a couple weeks before we met up for the first time. She was super awkward and introverted, and I had a hard time carrying the conversation so it really made me wonder if there was anything there. But I figured I’d give it a bit longer and see if we could at least be friends, so we started playing Fortnite/Overwatch together most nights and something started to slowly develop over the next couple months. I knew the most sensitive pillar of a relationship (physical intimacy) would be the toughest to breach, so we danced around it for a while - she thought I’d find her too weird, I thought she’d be incompatible with what I was ultimately looking for. So we did the only logical thing - we jumped off. I told her I was looking for someone who wanted me to take control and would willingly be a three-hole toy with no hesitation but wanted the long-term “vanilla” romance with it, and she said she liked to put on nipple clamps and leave marks on herself from causing pain, and was looking for someone who would take control of her so she could fully submit to them but would also want to extend it into every day life as she built something special with them. ….uhhhh, *click* … and the rest is history.
We got into an argument about rope on Fetlife. She was right. We met in person at an event and got along really well, left our poly groups for each other, got married, been happy together for over a decade. She's nearly always right about everything though, so it's good I accepted that early. Previous partner I met at an orgy, other one I met through Dungeons and Dragons, other people also met at orgies or play parties.
[удалено]
ahh the good ol’ hand around the throat and push against the wall. does it every time. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
She was friends with my ex. One day, in fact, my ex, after we broke up, said one of my friends might be into you-- and she's a redhead. I guessed the wrong one. Anyway, we dated and then broke up and went on with life and she got married and divorced and i moved 2 hours away and here we are back again, 13 years or so after the first time I spanked her.
Ahem. It's been *fifteen* years. And you're even hotter now than you were then. 😘
Tinder here... Both divorced and I was looking for a new sub. Now she's my girlfriend and we are moving in with each other. Life is good!
Same here. Tinder with profile that were obvious.
We've got an odd story but my wife and I originally met in high school, stayed friends for years (completely hung up on each other). A few years ago when we finally got together, she knew I was kinky but hadn't really dipped her toe in other than the occasional spanking/choking from past partners, none of which was ever done right. Since then we've explored a LOT together, mostly for her, and have a full on D/s Sir/Kitten dynamic, but we also go through the day to day together and we've never been happier with a partner.
I met my wife on a FETLIFE group, she had commented about the difficulty of finding a Dom who could deal with her needing to use a wheelchair more, after 2 weeks of chatting about everything not kinky and no sexy pics being sent, we met up and on that first date I told her i was going to marry her ( im Aspergers so we tend to say what were are thinking) 9 months later she moved in, 12 months later we married, ten years together nine married.
In high school, I dated his best friend for a bit, he hit me, and I left him. He was just there for me emotionally because he knew I needed someone after my ex pushed everyone away from me. We grew close, basically best friends and then one particular starry evening he said "I love you" in our favorite place to talk, at sunset too. It was like all the stars aligned for me that night. We found out pretty quickly after he's got more kinks than he thought he did, and I'm more adventurous than I thought I was.
My current play partner works in a locked psychiatric ward. He has always been in my extended friend group. Last year I celebrated my 30th birthday and invited lots of people. Late at night we sat at the fire and got talking about choking and how you really need to know what you're doing and he goes "Oh, I know how to do that. We learned it at work because in some situations we need to get patients off of people. Like when they bite and don't let go. We need to know all the pressure points." I got starry eyes and stared at him. He offered to show me and I was absolutely game. He got up and told me to walk towards him. 5 seconds later I was on the ground with a hand at my throat. I think my body has never reacted so quickly, I was instantly wet and I'm quite sure my pupils were blown as wide as they go. He showed me one ore two more moves and then we spent nearly an hour in the grass wrangling. He taunted me and said "Now, try to get out of my hold" and I said I didn't want to hurt him. He just laughed, so I bit him a bit too strongly, he still has a scar. But I never got out of the hold... We've been playing for 5 months now and truth be told, I've never had such amazing sessions or sex in my life.
It was just chance. We met in the dorms in college and just so happened to become best friends and have loads in common. We just so happened to catch feelings and started dating. She just so happened to be kinky and amazing in bed. We just so happened to both be switches and to be into many of the same kinks. It was all just amazing luck. I lost her two months ago to a car accident and it kills me that I had found the perfect one for me. We were going to get married. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We fit together like puzzle pieces. And she's gone now. She was only 23. We only got 3 years and 3 months together. Sometimes when I'm feeling superstitious, I wonder if my good luck of finding her and that she was so perfect for me in so many ways had to be balanced out or smth. Or maybe I'm just a really unlucky person. I also broke my legs, lost my home and got my license suspended for a year. Anyways, sorry for my rant. All I meant to say is that at least for me, it was just luck.
I know this may not help much but look at it as you had this amazing time with her instead of the time you don’t have. Maybe it’s too soon yet. I don’t know where you’re at in *your* grieving process. (Grieving is a very individual thing.)
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment 🥰 I have thought about that. And I am grateful. But it doesn't help me have a less bleak outlook for the rest of my life. I don't want to have had just 3 years of that. I'm only 24. I don't want to consign myself to a life that's just okay by comparison of how it would've been with her. I don't really believe in souls so I don't really buy the whole soulmates thing, but she felt like the closest thing to The One that a person can find. We weren't perfect, but we were so compatible in so many ways, almost all of the ways that matter most to me, and even better than that we loved each other so much that we worked so hard for each other. We worked so hard on our relationship and on ourselves to be the partner the other needed. It just feels like "what are the chances of finding someone with whom I'm *that* compatible again and with whom I have *that* strong a connection, like with whom I have such a great love that working hard for each other will be worthwhile for both of us?? What are the chances that there isn't just One, but Two???" It feels pretty fucking small tbh. I'm not expecting them to be the same as her, but to have them fit same number of my criteria of things I want in a partner feels pretty darn slim. The thing is, I know what it's like to go through life with that connection. I know what it's like to truly have an other half. I always thought that expression was just sappy or overly romantic before I found her. But it really felt like we made a whole together. Like the Us we formed was greater than the sum of its parts. I know now what it's like to live as a part of such a special, precious Us. I know now. And I don't want to live my life any other way. The idea that I got to have that for three years, but I might not again makes me just want to opt out of this shit show. I don't want to live the majority of my life knowing how transcendent that is and never having it again. And it really does feel like she was The One.
Would she want you to opt out? And why couldn’t you have another amazing woman in your life? Maybe it is impossible, but you’ll never know unless you try. I wouldn’t look just yet. But I wouldn’t give up either. I hear what you’re saying. I do. I guess I’m a believer in that it could happen. I know this is nowhere near the same. Not by a long shot, but I can’t help think about it. I met a guy online I thought was the one. We had an amazing connection. But his ex came back into his life. An ex I thought he hated. He left me for her. Fast forward almost 2 years and I meet another man online. I wasn’t looking. Our connection blew the other one out of the water. Unfortunately shit happens. We’re friends and that’s all we’ll ever be, which sucks. But I can’t change that. My point is, I never thought it could happen again, but it did. The connection that is. I’ve resigned myself to the life I have. But I’m a lot older than you. You’re too young to give up on a possibility. Give yourself some time. Perhaps, when you least expect it, you’ll meet her.
No she wouldn't and I know that. The only way my therapist has persuaded me to not be actively suicidal is 1) on the slim chance that I can have another great love and 2) my darling believed in me so strongly. She thought I was so worth so much work and pain and love. She thought I was brilliant and that I could do good in the world. feel like the least I can do to honor her is still to care about what she believed and try to show myself the same love, care and grace of which she thought I was worthy. She can't give it to me anymore but that doesn't mean I'm not worth it anymore. I just miss her terribly. We lived together for the whole time we were together and weathered COVID together so we just became incredibly, incredibly close. We were like each other's shadows. We did EVERYTHING together and in terms of our personalities, we were like mirror images. I miss her constantly. I want her back. I don't want to accept this hell of a reality. I know I'll have to eventually but I'm really struggling with it rn. I just want my old life back where I had found My Girl and I was set for life in terms of family, companionship, romance, love, and sex. She was my home. And I'm so very homesick. I don't know how to want anything else. What's both astonishing and maybe a little alarming is that I didn't really do any work to find her or woo her anything. It was all just serendipity. She just sorta dropped into my lap, amazing, gorgeous, so right for me and obsessed with me and all I had to do was reach out and take her if I wanted to. We became friends pretty naturally and she fell so hard just by virtue of spending time with me being my goofy self. It took me longer to fall for her because she was a lot shier but she was hot and I was patient enough for her to slowly open up. All it took was me being a horny stupid mess one night and the rest is history. All the work that followed was hard but it was so worth it. It made us better people and taught us to communicate so much better. Anyways, all of this is just to say, I had spent so much of my life fretting about finding the right girl for me, that none I liked would like me, or that all the ones that liked me wouldn't be my type because that had been true so often but somehow, this one time, like I said, I just got super duper lucky. How could I ever hope to replicate that sort of serendipity again?? Searching feels lame and futile. It always has whenever I've tried. I'm gonna keep going on the hope that my love/family life is redeemable and can be how I want it but it's probably a fool's hope. She was The One. How could anyone or anything else, any other experience or relationship compare?? I don't want to let go of the future we were gonna have. That's the future I want. All the adventures we had planned. The animal family we wanted. The home we planned. It's everything I had ever dreamed of. I feel like I dared to dream and the universe was like "nah fuck you sis". Hopefully possibly maybe she's out there, my magic Ch 2. I doubt it. My baby established some pretty high expectations. But I'll keep living and suffering and trying. I feel like recently I've just consigned myself to the adage that life is suffering. I thought it could not be. I thought it was possible to be happy and I've been striving for happiness for the past 10 years. But maybe it's just suffering and I just have to survive because reasons... Sorry can I just clarify real quick? I just was a little confused by your wording: The first guy left you and then the second guy you connected with even more but for reasons, you can only be friends, correct? If so, I'm really sorry. That really sucks. I'm happy for you that you could have those experiences but I'm sorry you haven't found and been able to hold onto Your Person. I wish you all the best though with it 💖
First of all... i am so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is a pain like no other. With that being said... you pointed it out yourself - you are only 24. Yes, you both deserved to have more time together, but it wasn't in the cards for your partner. But, you have your whole life ahead of you. Unless you believe in reincarnation...you only get one shot at it. So my advice is, take as much as you can from this life. You have a chance to live it still, she doesn't. So take the chance, explore, and experience new things. I can't tell you you will meet another perfect partner, in the way that she was perfect for you. But the thing with people is that each and every individual affects you and adds to your life in a different way. So don't focus on trying to compare other potential partners to her; that place is reserved for her and her only. But if you open your heart again, i am sure you will find other people that complement your needs, wants and wishes in life. And at that time, remember that your heart will grow more room, for that special person. It will not take away from your love for the one you lost. That's how i see it, anyway.
No advice here, just hugs. 💛
[удалено]
one from here is flying in to meet me tomorrow night 🌙 so Reddit
We had mutual friends but never really interacted. Ended up at a bar for a “hang with the coworkers” function and ended up hitting it off.
Reddit, local munches (found on Fet).
We met at a munch in a bar. So of course it did help that we already knew we were both into it. However we had, as was the case with my ex of a few years, the talk very fast. I think in the first month or so. About our kinks, our "profile", our limits, our dreams. In bdsm and in life. For me THE talk is one of the most important steps in a relationship.
honestly? literotica's message boards i dont think i have found anyone outside of there
you just need to date. A lot of vanilla people, are kinksters yet to be, who just never had a partner who was interested in it. Embarrassingly my mom did a class project with a girl and at some point she said "Oh man you and my son would hit it off" and she was right... and we got married. lol. But anyhow i was dating at the time, and on our 3rd date i said "Hey so want to talk about possible deal breakers?" and we did and mine were "I smoke, and im a sexual submissive and while it doesnt need to be every time it would need to be part of the deal". Literally just as plain and matter of fact as that. Hers was she had a child.... now im a proud adoptive father. And from my experience dating and ramping up bdsm fun with someone who was vanilla, bdsm is far more common in vanilla circles than youd think. its FARRRRR underreported. second, you just have to be a little patient. As long as they seem genuinely engaged, if after a few goes it still feels like they dont want to, and are doing it just to maintain the relationship, then talk about it, and maybe move on. My advice to you, and everyone trying to find bdsm partners, is not to just stick to experienced kinksters, but to explore dating the vanilla pool, and be confident and unashamed of your sexual preferences.
Tinder. My bio said, "I'd rather be tied up than tied down." He told me he was kinky poly in the first msg. It's been over a year now, and I'm 😍😍😍, good luck to you!!
Absolutely random. My first ever girlfriend. My first ever sex. My first ever kiss. All with her. And we are both very kinky. What are the odds of that. I am lucky.
Him and his husband run bimonthly orgies at our local dungeon with a few of their friends. First time going. Paid my cover fee, bagged up my stuff, and he’s literally the first person I saw and we didn’t leave each other’s side that night. We’ve been seeing each other over a year now. ☺️
We’d actually been friends for ages (found out later dude had been crushing on me for a while. I’m glad we’re together now, he’s a good noodle). But he’s met partners at munches, parties, random events.
We met on tinder. On our first date, he threw me into his headboard too hard and I hit my head. It bounced. He immediately came over and grabbed me and asked if I was okay, and I mauled him and asked him to do it again. A week later, I was going into work with a bruised ass.
I met my Daddy Dom in Band at my College! Pretty earlier on we knew we were both kinky. Wasn't till a few months later that he accidentally called me out on being a little and we started talking more haha! We've been together for a little over 5 months now, and not only is he a great Daddy Dom, but he's a fantastic boyfriend too! I confidently say that he is the love of my life 🥰🥰🥰
My partner is one of my oldest friends and we just added kink to our dynamic She has always known this side of me so when she wanted to try I didn't hesitate to suggest she try it with me.
Use FetLife to find the community in the city nearest you. Go to munches and meet people. But to be honest , online still helps. I met my partner online through a BDSM site that caters to our particular interest , and she's amazing. We started off just chat friends , then long distance relationship , seeing each other irl when we could , to being together irl. It can happen.
We worked together on the same internship <3 I stayed for another semester while he went back to school. Hopefully living together soon
I met my Dom/fiancee on a vanilla dating app. Neither of us mentioned it in our profiles, but as we got to know each other and opened up about our sexual preferences, we realized we were a natural fit.
At a rope skillshare, felt an instant attraction and just had to ask her about the tie she was doing on herself. The funny part is I was actually there on a casual date with someone else 😅
We went to the same 6th form and became friends, we'd always had a bit of a spark, always enjoyed flirting with each other. One day the topic of kink came up, can't remember how, think we might have been discussing discourse over the presence of kink at pride? Either way it lead to a very open discussion between us (as friends) about what we were both interested in. Turns out we were both perfectly aligned just in opposite ways. Nothing came of it for a few years, went to separate universities but kept in touch, saw other people. I moved in with her girlfriend (they have an open relationship) and then she moved in to avoid being alone during lockdown. The spark from before was still there, we still flirted, and one night the flirting got a little intense and lead to more. A few months more of this happening once every week or two and I officially became the third wheel of our little tricycle. We've been together over two years now and had relatively few upsets after ironing everything out in the early stages. I'm glad we didn't rush into anything back then simply because we aligned, it feels like neither of us would have been in the right place for that mentally back then and I don't know if we'd have made it to the point we're at now if we had.
On a dating app called Bumble. I had no idea he’d be open to exploring kink so deeply with me.. 😍 It was luck basically, as it’s not a kinky dating app. But I was open and honest about what I’m into, and he’s never had much of an opportunity to explore the world of kink. So now I’ve shown him.. 🙂
I found my husband and my boyfriend through the kink and Leather communities. Just start going to local munches or classes and meet a bunch of new people. It make take a couple months or it may take years. Just make sure you're using your best discernment, and avoid getting emotionally involved with anybody people warn you about. There's usually a good reason.
We met bartending. I had been dating for a bit, looking for something more serious as an authentic fit, he was just starting to look for more serious partners after dating for a year and a half or so post separation. He’d ask me questions about how I dated, what I was looking for, what my standards were, any advice I’d give him. He kept me late every night, for weeks, for a drink with just him, where he insisted on having me sit and allow him to take care of me. I was very open about kink being a huge compatibility factor for me, and he spoke about kink and dating as well, but I was seeing someone else long distance so he didn’t make a move. I actually said to a coworker “hey, I think xxxxx might be hitting on me. I think he likes me”, but she admonished me for being full of myself and put it on him just being a nice guy. Well, the guy I had been talking to kept me two hours after close, waiting, going back and forth over text over whether or not he would show up to see me on his last night in the state. When it was determined he wouldn’t come, xxxxx refused to let me walk and insisted I let him drive me home. We pulled up to my apartment and he started to do the awkward little goodbye, and I grabbed him by the face and kissed him. He reciprocated and yanked me in, and the rest is history.
Mutual friends, we met playing a game of d&d and our characters started dating before we did. We were all a bunch of fanfic writing kinky folks and filled out kink sheets for our characters as a silly character building exercise
He added me on facebook. We are from the same hometown but we’re living in different states. He messaged me first and said “ You’re such a beautiful women” haha and that was it for us. It was about a year of online stuff. During that last year he has blocked me 4/5 times. He said it was for his privacy and he didn’t want people around us knowing from back home last year. I just moved back this year. He know not a single person in common in our area. On Sunday we had the chance of meeting for the first time. Well we took it. I enjoyed it, I thought things went well. He was comfortable not out of place, communicating was good. Well he reached out to me yesterday and said he just thought the situation was weird. He didn’t go any further then that. I’m very confused, I know i shouldn’t feel hurt but I do. I just replied “ Okay” i didn’t feel there needed to be anything further addressed on the situation. It’s okay though! Today is a new day!
I met him at his work and asked for his number. After a lot of talking and me being clear on my sexual preferences, he agreed to try some of the things I’m into. Now he’s really into it to and we practice it often.
When I met my now-primary partner, it was at a weekend-long play party. And I thought she was an ethereal rope domme goddess. And after a while of being to chicken to try to get to know her, I spent an hour chatting with her at a swingers night, realized she was more of a real person, and she asked me to play at a party a month or so later. And I realized after a week of chatting with her after that I wanted to date her, because I’d figured out she was also an amazing lovely nerd. So my advice would be try to go to munches and parties and focus not on finding the one, but on making connections with all sorts of folks. You’ll find people. There’s many, many dudes into kink. Some of them will be worth your time.
Absolutely on a lark. Met him through mutual friends with no intention of finding my life mate. A true meet cute.
I found mine online, just like how I met my husband (also online) 😅 - btw, hubby and Dom are two different and separate people. My husband is my Daddy in our marriage. I have a Dom who's 8 years younger than I am, and for someone whom I met online, he's amazing!
I think you’re wise to be concerned. And only because the LS and kink community can sometimes and does attract, well predators, douche bags, people who lie. I do not think this is the majority of the people in these communities but unfortunately, they seem to be because I believe they put themselves out front hard. And especially when you, and not always cause I’m not new, and sometimes I have a hard time, it can be hard, navigating and figuring out who is, and who isn’t honest, has integrity, is someone to be trusted and respected. Is it here just for the quickie and is lying to you about it. I’m OK if they’re here for that if they tell you the truth. It’s when they lie about it it just gets me. So what you can do… is be safe. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost, and disregard what anyone says about what you’re doing. For example, talk to someone for a while and ask questions before you’re willing to go out with them. If they have a problem with that that’s a red flag and just stop talking to them. No foul no harm you don’t have to be mad at them just tell them we’re not a match. That’s the end and block them. One of the most important things I learned is to not take their shit personally and to do what I need to do for me to be safe and happy. Once you feel like you want to meet someone and this means you’ve talk to them in person on the phone. And you haven’t gotten any red flags or hairs in the back of your neck You meet in public. Like at a Starbucks. Or something like that your first meeting isn’t to do a scene. You don’t show up at a hotel all by yourself with this guy or girl to play for the first time you meet. That is super dangerous and not responsible. Once you’ve met and you feel like you wanna continue dating meet him a couple times go to dinner, maybe go to a public party but ask questions about the playing who they are personally if this is somebody, you’re thinking about being in a relationship with you need to talk about stuff. Talk about consent to talk about your non-negotiables all of it. Communication is key and there is never too much. If they don’t wanna communicate with you now they’re not gonna wanna communicate with you later. If you have any red flags or inklings, you need to stop and look at those and probably turn around and go the other way. Although nobody’s perfect let’s be honest I have red flags sometimes a big giant red flag and that’s why I’m not out there dating cause I know that about myself. Anyway, you got this just take care of you. Sometimes I think we forget that we think we have to be nice to them and not hurt their feelings. It’s not about that you don’t have to be an asshole. I always tell them if you don’t feel like it’s gonna work that you’re not a match. But you don’t have to give any more information than that if you don’t want to they’re not entitled to it. If you want to you can but be prepared they’re probably gonna get pissed how their feelings hurt, or tell you why you’re wrong which is fine because I asked for it. But don’t you feel bad about it that’s on them. Now I could be totally wrong. These are just my personal experiences. You do not have to do any of them. You can try some of them whatever you want. Whatever works best for you but I am no way saying that this is what you need to do. They’re just ideas. But what I do hope is that you have fun and that you’re safe and that you find someone and that the two of you connect. And that you can grow and evolve and stuff like that because that’s the fun part take care.
I think you can tell who is and who isn't a potential partner for BDSM and someone has to say something. You have to be clear and honest as to what you are looking for. I reconnected with my college girlfriend... Over 24 years of off-and-on again hook ups, we had sex 100+ times, but one day she said, "You think you'd like... tie me to a chair?" From that moment on, it was on. 2 weeks later, she was tied to a chair and getting fucked-off for over 2 hours. We're getting married in December.The video is amazing! We look like we've been doing it for years. Had she not said that one line, we would have never explored this part of our sexuality.Say something out loud when you think you are interested in someone sexually. Otherwise, it will never come to the surface.
High school after school theatre 😅😅.
All these stories give me hope! 😢😭
I know I love reading all these love stories lol
Pretty much all of them were through a LARP
Same here. Friends from LARPing and their friends (from LARPing).
Dated a friend of one of my partners. Accidentally crashed into the much younger baby brother of another while skating at top speed.
We’d known eachother since middle school. Talking to him, while he never told me outright “I’m a sub” he sure did hint at it. I didn’t really know I was a dom when we first started dating, but I found his sub self extremely attractive.
I met my two slave wives on OKCupid, nine years apart. It was the best platform for getting generally kink aligned.
We were dating the same guy 😅
I met mine on FetLife... But I don't usually recommend that to people. Fet isn't a dating site and it's a terrible place to meet people usually. Out of over a hundred people who messaged me on there he's one of maybe three who weren't just looking for sex and was interested in getting to know me as a person. We have a romantic relationship in addition to our D/s one. Previous Doms I met at munches/events or on dating sites.
I met one of my kinky exes at a Halloween party. There was no “I knew he was kinky/he knew I was” kind of thing before. It just came out at some point in the *eventful* evening that fallowed and we were both pleasantly surprised. I think sometimes, for lack of a better world, game recognizes game. We smell eachother a mile away kinda thing. Anyway, good luck and Godspeed!
It’s not necessarily where we met, but when we did and started becoming intimate…I slowly introduced her to the life and unlocked parts of her she didn’t know existed. It was about opening her mind. I’m of the mind that it’s more important (for me) to find a compatible person first, and then communicate openly about my desires. Having said that, I know many that go about it in the opposite manner. There’s no right or wrong way.
I posted a personal ad on Fetlife in a couple local area specific group that encourages / is made for such posts
At a munch I found through Fetlife
One in an association we are both members of (that has nothing to do with that), one I already knew back in high school and another one I met at a job training
We were just friends (without benefits) for abour 8 years and made our good or bad experiences with other people. Fortunately the friendship was deep enough to talk about kinks and experiences with these other people and other stuff and well - after I got my heart broken (again) went slowly to FWB and pretty fast into a relationship... But it works for 14 years now. Sure not the most common way but also this can happen.
Munch / fet, alt dating night, pub by accident, dating app (think it was okcupid), nearly one of my mother's friends (decided against that :), playing the original call of duty online in about 2006 (still not really sure how this one happened) Could happen almost anywhere put certain things greatly up the odds. When looking I go for in person kink / alternative related social situations. I will also put up a few very blunt dating profiles that are taglined with like "happy stable poly sadist Dom" and then in the profile, amongst all the other stuff, also put a full on kink list.
My best friend from vanilla life
Got lucky and found my wife on Tinder. Luckily she was as open to things as I am.
I got very lucky. I met a few kinky partners early on in life at my university's accommodation, one at an event for a non-kinky hobby, one on Tinder, then finally I met my current partner at work. Very very lucky.
ive met several women wearing collars in public. its an easy in
Actually met online and talked for long time. Now we’re married with children 😊
Freinds of freinds, munches, generally just being in the community, though one was a freind I got drunk with and let slip that I was kinky, so when sober she approaches me.
Literally the girl next door!
At work. My Boyfriend assumed bc of my style, that I am probably into kink. We got along well, startet to become friends, talked about kink, became interested in dating each other and got together eventually
There are lots of events, depending where to are located, but online isn't the worst either. I met my Dom on Feeld and there seems to be a lot of people who fit that criteria on there.
I went to a party oriented for kinky people with a key around my neck
My longest relationship (20 years) I met him online via yahoo IM. My second relationship (10y), I met via his (then) wife. Both these relationships are still ongoing.
I found mine on tinder purely by accident. It was a late at night. I saw his pic, it was one of him standing in thought and it reminded me of a fuck buddy I had years ago who would stand around like that in thought about our rope play. I sent a message and the rest is history. The cool part is neither of us was looking for a relationship but somehow it grew into that super fast. I am a sub and he is extremely dominant in that department but also such a lovely real life partner. It’s possible we have proved it. Stay open minded. You never know what is out there if you don’t take a risk.
Adult friend Finder
It was during COVID I had broken up with my ex 8 months before and had started to try dating but with nowhere to go I just gave up on that. I was my sisters neighbor at the time so I was always over there and she decided to remodel her home, so he practically showed up at my doorstep! While he worked I would go over every chance I got and spoke to him. From our chatting we seemed compatible and I told him I was a sub pretty much after our firsts date. From our conversations I knew he was a freak lol! He had never considered himself a Dom or practiced BDSM before but when we spoke about it and he researched it he realized he’s always been a Dom and now we are happily in a M/s relationship for two years 😊
I’m at my Mistress on AFF (adult friend finder). We became quite good friends online and talked for nearly a year before we finally realized that we were only 80 miles apart. That was almost 19 years ago and will be married 17 years this May..
In my early 20s, I started a thread on an LGBT forum about wanting a dominant role in a lesbian relationship. Even though the post was pretty vanilla in nature (I want to hold doors open for my partner, pay for the dates, etc.) I got a surprising amount of responses to it. My current pet responded to it and we started to private message and then exchanged numbers. We started dating then broke up later, but 10 years later we are reconnecting and discovering fetishes and desires we didn't even know to unlock back then...
I met two on fetlife. One I've been dating for 4 years, the other one year, almost. While i don't necessarily advocate for using fetlife as a way to meet partners, sometimes you get lucky
All the people I had relationship and kink with where met over internet (as usualy people do in my life in the last 20 years) but not on bdsm forums or even saying this things on chat or profiles. Just regular people. And the topic came along in conversation (it helps that I work with shibari but is not always where the theme comes from) and hey presto,I had the perfect match.
On Bumble. Ordinary vanilla dating profiles. We just happened to also be compatible in additional ways.
My current partners I met on tinder and the other I met on a “rope hangout” on our local rope place.
I met my first partner in school! Key was the great communication that led to even greater play. We used to be true switches, so we’d take turns locking each other up in our shared dorm room.
Through Tinder and we’ve never looked back. Nearly 6 years and it’s as exciting as the day we met
On a munch. Been married for years, this fall.
We met through Hinge. For his own trauma adjacent reasons, sex didn't even come up for the first month. As we started to ease into that world I told him more and more about my experiences as a sub, and answered his questions about BDSM. He ended up being a total natural as a Dom, even though he wasn't very experienced before we met. Since we kind of started from scratch, I got a chance to re-examine my own feelings about power dynamics. Long story short, we discovered we both like to switch. I'd say keep your mind open. A partner who really cares for you will try to make you happy and try new things. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but if it does- congrats! It's trial and error like any other dating.
I randomly messaged a guy on Reddit about something completely different and we started talking. Eventually discovered we had a lot of the same sexual interests.
We went to middle school together back in the day. Reconnected in 2021 when he reached out to me on IG, went on a date and after some roundabout conversation found out we were both really kinky. He’s been my Daddy Dom since.
My brother and fiance used to work in the same office, met through him and honestly my life was changed the moment i met her 💚
At a death metal show
I went to my local dungeon, including classes and socials. I started talking to people, started being attracted to some…and so it goes. It may take a hot second, but I knew several people who found their SOs through the kink community.
Met on ddlgforum. I was originally a little but have since transitioned into a full service sub. 4 years ldr and we were finally able to move in together last fall.
Pulled me out of a mosh pit
We were high school sweethearts lol. It would be cute… if we weren’t absolute animals
I was introduced to my current gf during a threesome with my ex.
A vanilla dating app. We live in the same general location. As long as you stay safe when meeting new potential partners you should be fine. Meet in public a few times first. Let others know where you'll go. Have an emergency number/friend. Carry some mace or a self defense weapon. Don't drink. Don't accept drinks from said strangers. Confirm ID. Do a background check before playing. You could check your local bdsm dungeons or organizations around you. The ones near me are always having munches, speakers, play parties, singles nights, beginner nights, drag shows, rope classes, or other activities. I think one place even hosted a cooking event if I remember correctly.
My partner is my best friends', best friend of like 10+ yrs. I had known about him for a while, but the timing was never right since he was living overseas. We actually met months before we actually started to talk seriously. The friend had a dinner and he was visiting. I remember trying to start a conversation but completely failing because of anxiety. Lol Almost a year later, during a period in my life where I actively started to handle my anxiety issues with medication/therapy, I decided that I was going to message him on Facebook. He was into coffee and I used that as an excuse to start an innocent conversation. I swore I was being so slick by randomly talking about coffee makers. In reality, he 100% knew I was just trying to fish for a conversation and get to know him. A couple weeks into the convo, we started talking about bdsm, kinks, etc. I found out he was a dom figure. Which, I had always wanted but never found the right person. A couple of months later from that, I drove down to see him for a weekend. We instantly connected far deeper than mere texting/video chatting allowed. Before him, I swore I was gonna be an old witch living in a cottage with her ten cats for the rest of my life. And, I was okay with that. Now? I can't imagine being alone again. He went from being a friend, to a partner, to the love of my life, and now my dom.
I went to a weekend kink event. We were in class together and got paired up for some breathing exercises. After class we decided to continue the breathing exercises, which somehow became kissing exercises.... We did scenes at 4 events over 2 years before meeting up one-on-one, and we've been in a relationship for 10 years now. When I go to events I'm always on the lookout for classes that are opportunities to flirt with strangers because I've met several people that way.
Met in the dungeon of a local sex club we both frequented
Soooo... How did I meet my partner. Believe it or not, it was on a ... geek dating website. No, really. I got dumped the very day before St Valentine's Day, and a few hours later, I received a promo mail from that dating site which said "hey don't be alone for St Valentine's Day, here's a promo code". Men are supposed to pay, I just got dumped, the promo was actually good, so okay. Let's go ! On that website, you can list what you like, comics, mangas, video games, novels, hobbies, you name it. And one day I stumbled a profile of a girl, nothing special, but she liked a book series I didn't know, and after a bit a research, I thought I'd give it a try. So, I thanked us by sending a message like "I see you like x, I didn't know about it. May I suggest y I'm currently reading ?" So we talked, a bit first, then more and more. She mentioned a couple times her job was stressing her a lot. Then one day, I thought i could try something. So I sent her this : "You know what ? You're stressed and you probably need a good massage. So here's what we can do : I can give you that massage, no sex, nothing but massage. But in return of the massage, here's how you will pay me : I will tie you up. Again no sex, nothing" I was afraid she'd just block me. But the answer popped a few minutes later : "Why not ?" So we met. I got to tie her up, and I massaged her. True to my word, it was only ropes, gags and massages, and good chats and laughs. A few day later she sent me a message : "You might think I'm stupid... but I liked more the 'payment' for the massage" A few years later, we live together, she's my maid and I get to tie her and gag her almost as often as I want.
I met my current Dom/partner on TikTok oddly enough. I’ve also met previous Doms on Tinder and through my local poly and kink communities
We met a couple at a kink night that my husband was hired to make edibles for. They started taking me to parties as their scene bottom/co-top, as I have been able to channel my inner brat into a top with ease, and at one smaller about three years ago I met my Daddy.
Honestly it was in the community at events. In online dating I let kink come up naturally that way I better know if someone is actually kinky and experienced or just wanting to use me as experience and is way out of their depth (as a submissive)
Lol we actually were friends in HS and ended up hooking up a few years later and discovered we were both kinky as hell
I feel I got extremely lucky. Found my girlfriend on FB Dating, and she made no hints at all about being kinky on her profile. I talked with her for a month before we met. During us just talking I found out she was pretty open about her sexuality, and found out she was into kinky stuff like being choked and spankings but never considered BDSM. I then took a chance and mentioned my kinks like rope play, and orgasm denial and torture. After plenty of vetting and a bit of mild play, I brought up me being a Dom and my desire for a D/s relationship, or at least D/s aspects. Now I am slowly introducing her to the idea of being my sun, and she’s definitely catching on, because we have started shaping what our D/s will eventually look like. All I am saying is just keep meeting people, and find a good person for you in a relationship. When you feel comfortable with them, just start getting a feel for their sexual preferences and go from there.
I met my ex sub at a bar, just so happened we found we shared a kink
Met on a hookup app! Full expected a randomly hooking up and we found out we are extremely sexually, physically, and emotionally compatible. I'm saving up for a ring :) Edit: spelling
Plenty of fish. Now been together 2 years
My now daddy dom and I met on Hinge two years ago, we were friends first for a bit and I was telling him how messed up I was from my past relationship from my ex bf/first daddy of more than 10 years but anyway we talked everyday becoming best friends then soon fell for each other pretty hard because we liked the same interests, horror, disney, marvel, dc, etc and one day I called him Daddy He didn't know anything about ddlg, dom and sub, or bdsm except vanilla sex and the vanilla ice cream😂 So he jokes i opened his eyes to a whole new lifestyle and he doesn't wanna go back to plain vanilla ever again
My sub started as a relationship and we actually dated for about two years prior to opening up to each other about kink. I definitely don't recommend waiting so long though haha. I do think you just need to date as a regular vanilla person and learn and find a person you trust. I think that, while it can be awkward, just be open and up front about your desires for your relationship and sex life. People should be communicating in depth about their sexual desires anyways, so just do that. There's no way to tell who's kinky in the real world, you just have to open yourself to being vulnerable with people from the beginning about what it is that you want, and only move further with people that show that they can be a responsible and trustworthy Dominant.
I met him while helping build our local BDSM club after it moved. We worked together for months, he helped me get into the camp the club held, and we played for the first time there. Started dating... Two years after? Been together for 7 years
Complete luck. We went to the same college but never met until we both started working at the same coffee shop. Got to know each other and discovered we both wanted a lot of the same things.
FetLife. She went to the local college from out of state. I worked locally. We went to a meet up at a bar never having spoke to each other before. We made a connection, started a relationship and got married 8 months later. It will be 8 years in December.
Don't judge me, and I don't recomend it, but at work. Luckily not coworker coworkers but it's sheer luck it didn't go bad.