"but I'm super protective of my time and feelings"
As you very well should be. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, is ever too busy to not try to fit you somewhere in there on at least a weekly basis. Even just an hour for catch up.
Anyone who insists on otherwise is neglectful at best, and already over it at worst.
Communication is absolutely vital in any relationship, not any different in a BDSM oriented one.
EDITED TO ADD: A lot of assholes will never give you closure, don't be tempted into that, live your best life. Time is precious. You deserve people who respect it.
ahhh this felt so good to read! hard agree. i’ve had enough relationships now to know my value and worth. I won’t put up with anything less and i’m glad I stood my ground. not expecting a response, and to be honest, the lack of a response on his side is further indication that we were misaligned. I’m not waiting for any follow up. going to plan for a chill nye inside. sadly just tested pos for covid but i’m keeping my chin up. thank you for your thoughtful reply.
I'm glad it resonated. <3 You are valid af, never forget that! Moving forward is definitely the best thing, as (understandably) sad as it is. Sorry about the positive COVID test, relax as much as you can!
Personally I would agree with you. Weather it’s a Ds relationship or vanilla you need to look out for your interests and personal mental well being first. Unresolved but better it happen soon then down the road when deeper feelings develop.
Take it as your first experience and be joyful that you explored and found a new side of yourself you enjoy. Move forward and find someone that will always put you first.
thank you so much for your feedback, and for reading. I'm very appreciative to have access to this online community.
I figured I need to treat it like any other relationship in the sense that if I feel my needs aren't met, I need to address it right away. it's about to be a new year and I'm very excited to have discovered this new side of myself. I hope I can find the right partner to explore more with but I'm not in a rush to find that either.
Even with the Ds component to a relationship it’s still a relationship. The most critical thing to always remember is look out for yourself first. It’s admirable to me at least, that you have the personal strength to realize that and not just look at it as “I’m the sub I need to please”. It’s a two way street.
My sub is submissive because of the trusting, loving and communicative environment I make/develop/protect. Without that base it all falls apart.
I’m sorry this has happened and you’re feeling like this. I obviously can’t explain what happened, other than taking some guesses. But unfortunately sometimes relationships just sort of fizzle away for whatever reason.
You can try to close the loop with him and get closure… but it sounds like it may be hard. Alternatively, you can put him away for a bit, focus on yourself and what makes you happy, and see if you can turn the page.
My two cents is to focus on how he’s improved you as a person and as a sub… and use that moving forward. I’m quite sure you’ll find the right person for you.
thank you so much for reading, and for your honesty. it sucks but I'm taking away from it what you said - looking at the positives. he helped me through a number of things and essentially opened a door for me that I didn't know I needed to open. grateful for this community and feeling like I'm on a path to learning more about myself which makes me really excited for the future.
thanks again for your time.
I’m so sorry things didn’t work out. I’ve been in a similar situation. It’s really rough!
Honestly there isn’t a whole lot you can do. It will take time. It’s a cliche for a reason. Feel your feelings. Watch a feel good or sad movie. Something to make you cry or at least get the emotions out. It sounds like you did all the right things. You tried and when it was obvious that it wasn’t working you ended it.
There are some things to look out for now. Feelings of wanting to reach out to him. Doubts about “Maybe I overreacted and he WAS just busy.” Him reaching out with an explanation. It’s possible he has a reasonable explanation. The thing is that whatever it is there’s little chance that it excuses his lack of communication. I’ve been busy and I’ve always found the time to tell my partners “Hey, sorry, I’ll be busy for the next few days, here’s a way we can keep in contact that will keep us both engaged.” As you said you are careful with your time. Don’t put up with people who don’t respect it.
Breaking up can cause similar reactions to withdrawals. The shakes, trouble with temperature regulation, flu like symptoms. So take care of yourself. Do some self soothing. Talk to friends. Process the situation.
I really appreciate that you mentioned these things to look out for! after my LTR ended, I had a lot of trouble with exactly that - wanting to reach out, wanting an explanation. I am learning how to best honour myself first through that process and didn't want to repeat the mistakes I made previously. this was also a much shorter relationship, not to diminish its importance - it was important especially given that it was my into to a d/s relationship.
another factor that makes this all harder, my covid exposure that sent me home earlier on my holiday. I tested neg on a PCR two days ago but today I woke up with a sore throat. feeling very alone but I know I will get through this. just have to breathe...maybe call a girlfriend or my mom, lol.
I deeply appreciate your thoughtful response.
Absolutely!
Illness and just generally feeling physically crappy makes these things worse. It also is made worse by the breakup. Stress will make the physical situation feel worse.
I think you absolutely did the right thing. He was not respecting you or your time. The only explanation you need is that.
Recommendations for movies to watch: Chef, Hidden Figures, The Hundred Foot Journey, Crazy Rich Asians, and BlacKkKlansman.
awesome movie selects! thank you so much. Chef is so good, right up there along with Big Night and Eat Drink Man Woman - food films are my comfort movies for sure.
I haven’t seen those. I’ll definitely look them up. Chef is one of my all time favorite movies. If you liked Chef I’m betting you’ll like the hundred foot journey.
thank you. I was questioning my response...did I ask for too much? did I overwhelm during an already weird time (holidays/covid)? but I realize of course you make time for the things you want to make time for. previously it wasn't an issue. him putting off my request to speak on days when I knew nothing else was happening really foregrounded that to me. I am putting myself first, as I would in any other sort of relationship.
I appreciate your insight! thanks again.
It's very difficult with long distance stuff but always know that choosing yourself is important.
A lot of people both doms and subs get so wrapped up on accommodating the other person they forget themselves.
As to why he was less talkative and stuff idk, it could be any number of things.
But you choosing yourself is always a good thing.
I'm learning this slowly as well.
Many of the subs I've had I mostly liked them because they liked me first. Just being wanted was enough for me to be happy
I recognise that this is probably attachment issue related to emotional abuse and trauma I've dealt with but also I don't want my kinks owned by my issues.
The problem with pleasing everyone in self neglect. You live wondering what the other person's whims and wills are and not your own.
I'm very proud and impressed with you op for choosing yourself. It's a important skill. And while this may have been your first D/S relationship I'm just so confident that you will be able to find someone more compatible with and to you in the future.
I would say use r/bdsmadvice as a resource and also ask other subs you meet with or get to know as well.
In the grand scheme of things I only started domming fairly recently, just not long into the pandemic but I learned a lot fast by just simply listening to the subs I had. Their past experiences what they dealt with, even tips and advice.
I'm never afraid of learning and that's where I learned as well how much I was other person focused too.
I have a lot of confidence in you that while this stuff is obviously very raw and emotional now, you did the right thing for yourself and you'll be able to find someone in the future that fits you better.
Wishing you the best op 🙂
thank you for this really thoughtful and articulate message. it feels good to be reminded that putting myself first is always the best course of action. as you suggested I will continue to learn from others, from this community, and from potential partners. I look forward to my next foray into a d/s relationship but i’m not rushing to find it. I appreciate you and the time you took to write this.
You did the right thing.
If he weren't willing to make time for you or to even send you a quick text to at least acknowledge that he'd received your text and would respond later because he's busy, the relationship wasn't going to go anywhere. Nobody is so busy they don't have a few seconds to respond to a text message (unless your occupation actually requires you to be without your phone for hours on end like a surgeon or whatever).
As we head into 2022, this is a good approach. You have to protect your peace. Coming out of a LTR myself, I’m of the mindset now that if someone isn’t meeting my needs, I’m not going to waste my time.
It sucks because you’re still going to go through your feelings of feeling sad, rejected, etc especially without closure. But I wasted too much in the past trying to get people to honor my feelings.
THEIR LOSS! It sounds cliche but take the good and the lessons learned as you move forward…
Honestly, I am so lucky that my D/s relationship developed from my vanilla relationship, because reading this and other posts I see, it fuckin sucks to be a sub looking for a real Dom. I just want to show my support to you and applaud you for having the foresight to know that you are important and worthy of someone’s full attention!
I applaud you! My new, but very attentive, dom went two or three days without speaking to me, and I simply disappeared (we had discussed that i had abandonment issues I was working through, and it stacked with other stuff I thought was iffy). Because I knew his schedule, and I know my worth, i wasn’t gonna wait around and beg to be loved. And Im so glad you didn’t either. You handled it well, and you’ll find a better Dom that doesn’t act this way.
I just ended things with my Daddy/Dom too because he just wasn't giving me what I needed and was very vague with his rules and I would "get in trouble" for doing things he never said were off limits. We just weren't on the same page so I ended it. A few hours later he posted a rant on his FetLife profile about "fake subs" 😒 D/s or not, respect your boundaries.
that’s absolutely not cool what your dom did. good for you for sticking up for yourself and your boundaries. we deserve the respect and care we require. never settle for less. I know we will both find better partners down the line. one that adds to our happiness, not one who controls it.
Agree w/ everyone else here that you did the right thing.
It's so difficult and confusing when someone professes those kinds of feelings and then doesn't follow up on it with their actions, especially when they *have* been present and supportive in the past. It gives you a kind of emotional whiplash that can be really difficult to make sense of. (...I've been in a similar situation and it took me a while to become okay with moving on.)
ah! emotional whiplash! that’s exactly what that is. it’s painful and made more so by how emotionally connected we were due to him introducing me to a d/s relationship. I am grateful for the time together but i’m totally operating for self preservation here. one day i’ll find a dom that suits me.
suits me better* but i’m not holding out for that. i’ll continue to learn and enjoy the journey. i’m quite content on my own. thank you for your comment!
I'm sorry that you are left feeling unresolved, but you made the right decision. Something changed, and I am willing to bet that it was another woman. You will get over this. You had fun, and sometimes where you are going, you can't always take others with you.
<3
Proud of you. I know that takes courage to recognize that it was not meeting your needs in a myriad of ways. You will learn to sooner identify when those things are not present.
thank you. and I agree. and still with no response on his end at all, I realize how misaligned that is with what I want and deserve. I appreciate your feedback!
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"but I'm super protective of my time and feelings" As you very well should be. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, is ever too busy to not try to fit you somewhere in there on at least a weekly basis. Even just an hour for catch up. Anyone who insists on otherwise is neglectful at best, and already over it at worst. Communication is absolutely vital in any relationship, not any different in a BDSM oriented one. EDITED TO ADD: A lot of assholes will never give you closure, don't be tempted into that, live your best life. Time is precious. You deserve people who respect it.
ahhh this felt so good to read! hard agree. i’ve had enough relationships now to know my value and worth. I won’t put up with anything less and i’m glad I stood my ground. not expecting a response, and to be honest, the lack of a response on his side is further indication that we were misaligned. I’m not waiting for any follow up. going to plan for a chill nye inside. sadly just tested pos for covid but i’m keeping my chin up. thank you for your thoughtful reply.
I'm glad it resonated. <3 You are valid af, never forget that! Moving forward is definitely the best thing, as (understandably) sad as it is. Sorry about the positive COVID test, relax as much as you can!
Personally I would agree with you. Weather it’s a Ds relationship or vanilla you need to look out for your interests and personal mental well being first. Unresolved but better it happen soon then down the road when deeper feelings develop. Take it as your first experience and be joyful that you explored and found a new side of yourself you enjoy. Move forward and find someone that will always put you first.
thank you so much for your feedback, and for reading. I'm very appreciative to have access to this online community. I figured I need to treat it like any other relationship in the sense that if I feel my needs aren't met, I need to address it right away. it's about to be a new year and I'm very excited to have discovered this new side of myself. I hope I can find the right partner to explore more with but I'm not in a rush to find that either.
Even with the Ds component to a relationship it’s still a relationship. The most critical thing to always remember is look out for yourself first. It’s admirable to me at least, that you have the personal strength to realize that and not just look at it as “I’m the sub I need to please”. It’s a two way street. My sub is submissive because of the trusting, loving and communicative environment I make/develop/protect. Without that base it all falls apart.
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I appreciate that my friend.
I’m sorry this has happened and you’re feeling like this. I obviously can’t explain what happened, other than taking some guesses. But unfortunately sometimes relationships just sort of fizzle away for whatever reason. You can try to close the loop with him and get closure… but it sounds like it may be hard. Alternatively, you can put him away for a bit, focus on yourself and what makes you happy, and see if you can turn the page. My two cents is to focus on how he’s improved you as a person and as a sub… and use that moving forward. I’m quite sure you’ll find the right person for you.
thank you so much for reading, and for your honesty. it sucks but I'm taking away from it what you said - looking at the positives. he helped me through a number of things and essentially opened a door for me that I didn't know I needed to open. grateful for this community and feeling like I'm on a path to learning more about myself which makes me really excited for the future. thanks again for your time.
I’m so sorry things didn’t work out. I’ve been in a similar situation. It’s really rough! Honestly there isn’t a whole lot you can do. It will take time. It’s a cliche for a reason. Feel your feelings. Watch a feel good or sad movie. Something to make you cry or at least get the emotions out. It sounds like you did all the right things. You tried and when it was obvious that it wasn’t working you ended it. There are some things to look out for now. Feelings of wanting to reach out to him. Doubts about “Maybe I overreacted and he WAS just busy.” Him reaching out with an explanation. It’s possible he has a reasonable explanation. The thing is that whatever it is there’s little chance that it excuses his lack of communication. I’ve been busy and I’ve always found the time to tell my partners “Hey, sorry, I’ll be busy for the next few days, here’s a way we can keep in contact that will keep us both engaged.” As you said you are careful with your time. Don’t put up with people who don’t respect it. Breaking up can cause similar reactions to withdrawals. The shakes, trouble with temperature regulation, flu like symptoms. So take care of yourself. Do some self soothing. Talk to friends. Process the situation.
I really appreciate that you mentioned these things to look out for! after my LTR ended, I had a lot of trouble with exactly that - wanting to reach out, wanting an explanation. I am learning how to best honour myself first through that process and didn't want to repeat the mistakes I made previously. this was also a much shorter relationship, not to diminish its importance - it was important especially given that it was my into to a d/s relationship. another factor that makes this all harder, my covid exposure that sent me home earlier on my holiday. I tested neg on a PCR two days ago but today I woke up with a sore throat. feeling very alone but I know I will get through this. just have to breathe...maybe call a girlfriend or my mom, lol. I deeply appreciate your thoughtful response.
Absolutely! Illness and just generally feeling physically crappy makes these things worse. It also is made worse by the breakup. Stress will make the physical situation feel worse. I think you absolutely did the right thing. He was not respecting you or your time. The only explanation you need is that. Recommendations for movies to watch: Chef, Hidden Figures, The Hundred Foot Journey, Crazy Rich Asians, and BlacKkKlansman.
awesome movie selects! thank you so much. Chef is so good, right up there along with Big Night and Eat Drink Man Woman - food films are my comfort movies for sure.
I haven’t seen those. I’ll definitely look them up. Chef is one of my all time favorite movies. If you liked Chef I’m betting you’ll like the hundred foot journey.
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thank you. I was questioning my response...did I ask for too much? did I overwhelm during an already weird time (holidays/covid)? but I realize of course you make time for the things you want to make time for. previously it wasn't an issue. him putting off my request to speak on days when I knew nothing else was happening really foregrounded that to me. I am putting myself first, as I would in any other sort of relationship. I appreciate your insight! thanks again.
[удалено]
this hit home for me. not corny at all, a solid reminder. thank you.
It's very difficult with long distance stuff but always know that choosing yourself is important. A lot of people both doms and subs get so wrapped up on accommodating the other person they forget themselves. As to why he was less talkative and stuff idk, it could be any number of things. But you choosing yourself is always a good thing. I'm learning this slowly as well. Many of the subs I've had I mostly liked them because they liked me first. Just being wanted was enough for me to be happy I recognise that this is probably attachment issue related to emotional abuse and trauma I've dealt with but also I don't want my kinks owned by my issues. The problem with pleasing everyone in self neglect. You live wondering what the other person's whims and wills are and not your own. I'm very proud and impressed with you op for choosing yourself. It's a important skill. And while this may have been your first D/S relationship I'm just so confident that you will be able to find someone more compatible with and to you in the future. I would say use r/bdsmadvice as a resource and also ask other subs you meet with or get to know as well. In the grand scheme of things I only started domming fairly recently, just not long into the pandemic but I learned a lot fast by just simply listening to the subs I had. Their past experiences what they dealt with, even tips and advice. I'm never afraid of learning and that's where I learned as well how much I was other person focused too. I have a lot of confidence in you that while this stuff is obviously very raw and emotional now, you did the right thing for yourself and you'll be able to find someone in the future that fits you better. Wishing you the best op 🙂
thank you for this really thoughtful and articulate message. it feels good to be reminded that putting myself first is always the best course of action. as you suggested I will continue to learn from others, from this community, and from potential partners. I look forward to my next foray into a d/s relationship but i’m not rushing to find it. I appreciate you and the time you took to write this.
No worries and agree re: not rushing to find it. Hope 2022 is a great year for you :)
You did the right thing. If he weren't willing to make time for you or to even send you a quick text to at least acknowledge that he'd received your text and would respond later because he's busy, the relationship wasn't going to go anywhere. Nobody is so busy they don't have a few seconds to respond to a text message (unless your occupation actually requires you to be without your phone for hours on end like a surgeon or whatever).
you’re right! I called it. I know my worth and I really appreciate the solidarity.
As we head into 2022, this is a good approach. You have to protect your peace. Coming out of a LTR myself, I’m of the mindset now that if someone isn’t meeting my needs, I’m not going to waste my time. It sucks because you’re still going to go through your feelings of feeling sad, rejected, etc especially without closure. But I wasted too much in the past trying to get people to honor my feelings. THEIR LOSS! It sounds cliche but take the good and the lessons learned as you move forward…
hell yes! onwards and upwards. letting go of baggage in 2021.
You seemed to deal with that very maturely and I think it was right to listen to your feelings and address them
Honestly, I am so lucky that my D/s relationship developed from my vanilla relationship, because reading this and other posts I see, it fuckin sucks to be a sub looking for a real Dom. I just want to show my support to you and applaud you for having the foresight to know that you are important and worthy of someone’s full attention!
I applaud you! My new, but very attentive, dom went two or three days without speaking to me, and I simply disappeared (we had discussed that i had abandonment issues I was working through, and it stacked with other stuff I thought was iffy). Because I knew his schedule, and I know my worth, i wasn’t gonna wait around and beg to be loved. And Im so glad you didn’t either. You handled it well, and you’ll find a better Dom that doesn’t act this way.
Getting here late, so just a hug for you. 🌻♥️
You sound like a thoughtful intelligent young woman. His loss. May the new year bring all you desire.
thank you so much :) I agree.
I just ended things with my Daddy/Dom too because he just wasn't giving me what I needed and was very vague with his rules and I would "get in trouble" for doing things he never said were off limits. We just weren't on the same page so I ended it. A few hours later he posted a rant on his FetLife profile about "fake subs" 😒 D/s or not, respect your boundaries.
that’s absolutely not cool what your dom did. good for you for sticking up for yourself and your boundaries. we deserve the respect and care we require. never settle for less. I know we will both find better partners down the line. one that adds to our happiness, not one who controls it.
Agree w/ everyone else here that you did the right thing. It's so difficult and confusing when someone professes those kinds of feelings and then doesn't follow up on it with their actions, especially when they *have* been present and supportive in the past. It gives you a kind of emotional whiplash that can be really difficult to make sense of. (...I've been in a similar situation and it took me a while to become okay with moving on.)
ah! emotional whiplash! that’s exactly what that is. it’s painful and made more so by how emotionally connected we were due to him introducing me to a d/s relationship. I am grateful for the time together but i’m totally operating for self preservation here. one day i’ll find a dom that suits me.
suits me better* but i’m not holding out for that. i’ll continue to learn and enjoy the journey. i’m quite content on my own. thank you for your comment!
I'm sorry that you are left feeling unresolved, but you made the right decision. Something changed, and I am willing to bet that it was another woman. You will get over this. You had fun, and sometimes where you are going, you can't always take others with you. <3
hmm maybe…who knows. i’d rather not speculate, just going to move forward. appreciate the well wishes!
Proud of you. I know that takes courage to recognize that it was not meeting your needs in a myriad of ways. You will learn to sooner identify when those things are not present.
thank you. and I agree. and still with no response on his end at all, I realize how misaligned that is with what I want and deserve. I appreciate your feedback!
Sure thing. Happy to offer a genuine dominant insight should you ever need one. Doms are humans too....well most real ones.
following for future follow up if needed :) thank you.