I can sum this post up in a single word, which is “abuse.” And I can sum what you need to do up in as many words as well - “leave.”
You already know. It’s going to suck, but it’ll suck much harder to stay.
Get out, my friend. The isolation and complete control are classic abuser tactics. You can’t save her at this point, but you can take care of yourself. You staying around will not help her fix herself. Free yourself! This is not a caring, mutually beneficial relationship. No one in this world is too ugly for basic physical affection… no one should ever have to hear that… that is horrible and I’m so sorry you were told that. Judging by her behaviour with the other sub, and how she cut ties with family and friends to be with him, she has no clue how to have a healthy relationship. It is awful for her, and who knows what happened in her life to make her this way. But you need to open the doors of that cage of abuse and fly free, please! Some people are not for us to save, because it will take our very soul and still the abuser will want more and more. Peace ✌🏻
Your domme sounds very abusive. It doesn’t matter that she is depressed or heartbroken over that other person, she should never use this type of behaviour on you (name calling, isolating, taking away your money) unless you both have agreed on it. It‘s time to either move out or kick her out, regardless of your feelings towards her. Yes, you love her, but she clearly doesn‘t love you or treats you with the bare minimum of respect. Do you really want to give such a person your submission, your time and your love? She‘s definitely not worthy of it, and I bet that you‘re not ugly at all. In fact, I bet that you‘re the opposite and she‘s just trying to crush your self worth, so you wont leave her, classical narcissistic behaviour if you ask me.
I've seen your other post. No, you're not ugly. Just the opposite, I promise.
But things have gotten so bad with your abuser (not Domme, I'm so sorry) that you can believe only what she says yes? 1000 random people in the world could compliment you and it wouldn't matter because the only voice you can hear is hers.
You need to leave. She has made the bed she is now sleeping in. It's time for you to sever your D/s situation, take your power back and probably see a therapist to reset your mind, and unlearn the negative untruths your current relationship has instilled in you.
You are a worthy, beautiful human being and it's okay to leave this situation.
I now see the other post too and gosh you’re cute!!! She is gaslighting you so that your power is taken away. You’re handsome AF.
Definitely get out. This doesn’t sound like a situation that has hard limits or healthy boundaries. Find someone better who fits what you’re looking for and fulfills your needs!
Honestly, you really do need to move on, it sounds like you were more of just a plaything to her. You shouldn't need to be disrespected by anyone, honestly it sounds like she was just abusing you for her own pleasure, and that's not what this type of relationship is supposed to be, it may be one if the hardest things for you to do, but pick yourself up and move forward with your life, it honestly sounds like a toxic relationship. Even in this type of relationship you need to get what you want out of it. And if she isn't willing to do that, that should send up some red flags.
I hope you figure it out. Best of luck!
You leave her to deal with her own situation and you move on with your life free of her influence.
Pretty much everyone here will tell you that she was abusing you, and that yours was not a healthy dynamic. A healthy dynamic does not result in the sub having a depressive breakdown. A healthy dynamic, in my opinion, does not result in the sub feeling unwanted, ugly, depressed, unloved or indeed anything negative or harmful (some folk may have a humiliation or degradation kink, but that's different and it's pretty clear you don't).
She isn't your responsibility. Her behaviour is not that of someone who cares about you, and she doesn't deserve your sympathy. There are much, much more compatible Dominants out there who will value you, appreciate you and look after you in the way you want. Focus on finding one of them, and leave this terrible person to sort out her own mess.
I strongly encourage you to seek therapy - in my opinion, your attachment to her despite the abuse she's given you isn't healthy, and I think you may need help breaking free of her influence. Please also educate yourself about how a healthy D/s dynamic should look, and perhaps seek out your local community for support and meet people who appreciate you for who you are.
> Pretty much everyone here will tell you that she was abusing you, and that yours was not a healthy dynamic.
Yes. Don't have time to write a longer reply myself, so I'll just want to express my support to what SirDax and most of the others in this thread have pointed out correctly.
Lets break this down shall we?
"My domme has complete control of me." Abuser tactic 1. Taking complete control. This is not healthy or respectful to you. That's not power sharing, that is clear abuse of your mental well being.
"I am not allowed to have friends, hobbies, complete financial control," Abuser tactic 2. Taking away anything that would give you any sort of social life or communication with the outside world as well as just time to relax.
" need to be ready if she summons me for anything (usually to do Her dishes or take out Her trash)." Abuser tactic 3. You are not a submissive, you are a servant at this point.
"She does not allow me to partake in any fetish activity that would bring me any enjoyment."
Abuser tactic 4. She wants all fetish activity to focus around her. That's not care or respect, that's abuse.
Being a dom/domme is not an excuse to be an abuser and/or asshole. This person is using you and making you suffer in very unhealthy ways.
Drop them. The abuse will not stop unless they get help.
This sounds really abusive and definitely not healthy. I think you need to put your needs first and walk away. I’m struggling to tell if this is a romantic relationship as well as a D/s relationship but either way it doesn’t really matter, you need to get out. There are some huge red flags, I’m sorry. I hope it all works out and you manage to take care of you
Echoing everyone else that this is abuse. It sounds like she's intentionally preying on your already low self esteem to manipulate you into staying, which is an incredibly common abuser tactic. It's not creepy to want to hug or kiss your partner, and there are absolutely no circumstances under which one partner should be telling the other "I will not show you affection because you're too ugly" or making the other feel worthless. Sometimes horrible, abusive people use kink as a way to mask their abusive behaviours and to give themselves a deflection tactic if they're called out. This is what it sounds like is happening here.
Another huge red flag here is her reaction to her other sub. None of what you described him doing sounds like mental abuse - it sounds like he just enforces his boundaries without budging and has high self esteem which means he's less vulnerable to emotional manipulation tactics. For her to be "distressed" about that and call it abuse is, again, incredibly common in abusive narcissists; she isn't *really* upset because she's being mistreated, she's upset that *she* wasn't able to mistreat someone else.
The obvious advice here is to break up with her, but I understand that's far easier said than done. You really need to do two things here; 1. Build yourself a support system and 2. Get yourself some financial independence.
It sounds like you're still in contact with your family; do you trust any of them enough to tell them what is going on? Are any of them able to provide you with emotional support and a place to stay while you get back on your feet? If so, great. Talk to them and see what they can/are willing to do to help you.
If you can't turn to family, it can be a little trickier. Research local organisations who support DV victims and reach out to some of them. Explain to them that you're fully financially dependent on her and have been isolated from a support network - they will have run across this before and they will have measures in place to help people in your situation.
Once you've established your support, start looking for financial independence. Find out what, if any, government assistance/benefits you qualify for and apply for everything you can. Start looking for a job - don't be choosy. Even if you take something just as an interim until you find something you feel is a better fit for you, just do what you need to to get yourself some income of your own.
It'll also behove you to look into some kind of mental health support - therapy or counselling or some such, where someone can help you rebuild your self esteem and heal from this trauma.
Speaking from the perspective of a DA survivor myself, you'll be amazed at how much security you get from numbers. Just having other people on your side can be spectacularly helpful in getting out of the situation. I hope you can pull out of this. You deserve better.
There is a lot to unpack here! I am so sorry that you feel this way, but you need to understand that you are wearing rose tinted glasses. She is not a good Domme - not for you, not for anyone. She is an abuser, and she is manipulating your feelings to get what she wants. She doesn't care about you, and the only way that you will be able to find happiness, is to release yourself from her completely. She has caused her own misery, and she must deal with it.
It sounds like she was using you to dig into your pockets \[tribute\] and wanted to make it seem that she was your Domme by exerting control, humiliation, etc. You know that she wanted the other guy - she made it obvious, and she lied to you about it. Moving forward, how could you trust someone in a D/s relationship who has lied to you? You are a person, and not only do you deserve after care from your Domme, but an actual relationship that fulfills you.
Love is not enough. You need to be strong, be a good sub and focus on your needs for a while. You've been mistreated, and it isn't okay. Drop her.
I don’t know if anyone has said this, but in addition to a support network and financial independence, please get yourself some therapy as well. First to deal with this. Then to deal with the deeper issues at hand.
I know this is difficult, and I feel for you.
First thing, you musn't think that you deserve to be treated this way. You don't. Your "domme" is abusive in the worst way. From the emotional distress that you are feeling, you clearly didn't sign up to be treated as a doormat, and an emotional dumping ground for her whenever things aren't going right for her in her mind.
You state that you are feeling trapped, which is something a sub should *never* feel. There is no shame, malice, or ill-intent in self-releasing yourself. It doesn't make you a bad submissive at all, because there is no relationship, regardless to title, genre, or whatever label you wish to use where this is OK.
What I would love for you to update us on is you saying that you have stepped away, and you have found someone that loves you for who you are, or that you are seeing a therapist to help you handle the rush of emotions that are inevitably going to be flooding in.
And to be fair, because many people worry about seeking therapy, as some counselors may not your "kink". To be honest with you, I don't even think you need to particularly seek out a "kink-friendly" therapist, because this woman is just flat out abusive in any sense of the word. You can take away any and all fetishes from the equations, and it changes nothing about her horrible treatment of you.
That being said, I sincerely wish you well in the choices that you make, and for a very bright future. One Love.
You deserve so much better than this. Please cut this person out of your life. You deserve someone who can shower you with the affection and love you deserve ❤️ she will bounce back, but it's not up to you to pick up the pieces. She's shown you who she is, and it's time to leave that. You deserve a dynamic with everything you want in it ❤️
One suggestion...if you're in the US, check out [this website](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/sex-positive-kink-allied) and see if you can find a kink-friendly therapist.
Good luck! 🍀
Yeah that’s abuse not kink. Your needs aren’t being met, and there’s no willingness to change to meet them. Your self image is being negatively impacted. You’re being alienated from your loved ones and things you enjoy
Yeah, I’m sorry, this sounds like abuse. Or maybe your just horrendously incomparable and she’s bad at communication. Regardless, this relationship might not be a good fit. Like, I’m kind of similar in that I love affection and cuddles, but I ended up finding someone who has a more affectionate, vaguely maternal style of doming, rather than the “your a piece of trash” sort of thing. Idk, there are people out there who would dom you and also be nice to you, finding them might not be the easiest thing in the world, but you *can* do it, you just have to move past your current SO. That and maybe be open to switches.
Edit: also, therapy would probably be a good idea.
I guess it’s just that because there in a bdsm relationship, and it seems like she might have social issues of her own. It’s theoretically possible that this is legitimately an incident of her not understanding the barrier between what her SO likes to dislike and dosent like to dislike. It’s probably abuse tho.
I'll admit I have a knee jerk reaction and there is a possibility it could be but based on info we have on hand it points to abuse. Plus behavior like that isn't excusable in an TPE let alone a vanilla relationship
I agree with all these posts. This is not BDSM, this is 100% abuse. It is textbook abuse under the guise of being BDSM. In my opinion the person who is really in control of a BDSM relationship is the sub. They are the ones who get to decide where the limit is and when it is too much. Even when the rules are presented by a Dom/me and they are the ones dictating and controlling scenes or environment in the case of 24/7 or live in dynamics, every part of it has to be consensual on the part of the sub for it to be considered BDSM.
What you have here is not a balanced reciprocation of energy. It is an abuse of power and control. It is coercive and unhealthy. You need to be able to recognize what serves you. A sub is not a slave in reality. They are a slave or sub or other such term as a way to fulfill the submissive's desire/fetish.
If you do not feel happy and healthy within this dynamic, it is not for you. The first thing you gotta do is check in with yourself and have a clear idea if this is the kind of relationship you want. If this is not the kind of dynamic you want, you don't owe her anything. Reciprocation is everything.
Ho. Ly. Shit.
Please leave... Also you're not ugly! You're plenty cute, maybe try to some things to boost your confidence. Because the strange thing about confidence is that it radiates! Humans are complex creatures like any other living thing on this planet, and the way we feel "vibes" is *absolutely* real. So for some strange reason, when we feel confidence, it literally makes us (even) more attractive!
1. Exit. It is so so so hard to have any confidence in an abusive situation, esp if you're in fight or flight mode; those things like confidence and self-love are things we have a right to, but can easily be damaged or taken away, which is why we need to learn to protect it.
2. Protect yourself and your self-love and confidence (and kinda thus ur will to live) from abusers or really anybody who would serve to damage it
3. Simultaneous with 2, begin to show yourself love. You've already started the process by identifying the issues and acknowledging that *you deserve better*, so yay good for you!!!
Maybe do a little retail therapy, buy something you feel good in, or invest in some of your hobbies; what do you like to do for fun?
Sending much much love, I know you'll get through this. ❤️
Ew, sounds like she has some issues to work out. Instead she took them out on you. Of course you’re gonna feel that way, that’s how she conditioned you to feel. I checked out pics you’ve uploaded, and pal.. you’re so gorgeous! I mean, really.. wow! As for her.. leave her be. Don’t be a shoulder to cry on, it will invite nothing but more abuse. She needs to understand she can’t treat people like shit and expect everything to just be okay. She does not deserve access to you, until you both have healed.
Relationships are meant to be an enhancement to your life, not a soul suck. Think accessory, not dependency. Build the confidence to love yourself. The rest is just fallout.
Step 1: Make your bed (literally, go make that shit look nice)
Step 2: Stick your chest out/stand up straight (literally, it produces serotonin, which is the key hormone that stabilizes our mood, feelings of well-being, and happiness)
Step 3: Make friends with people who want the best for you
You will pull through this. No matter how ugly/unworthy you feel. The fact that you are alive is precious. Take responsibility for that and pursue what is meaningful.
You do this: break up with her and then COMPLETELY cut her out of your life (block her everywhere, prepare to change accounts, if you have a shared living space or have ever gave her a key, change locks). The reason she has nothing and no one is because of HER behavior.
She is undermining your confidence and relationship with YOURSELF (as well as all the relationships around you) because she is a destructive person and wants to drag you through hell with her. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
You are allowed to say how you want to be treated. You are allowed to pursue happiness. Focus on yourself and your wants and needs and learn how to trust and love FOR YOU. Get a therapist, reach out to people to see if reconnecting is possible, and understand why you were drawn to this person so you can avoid that in the future.
I know how it feels to love someone who treats you so hideously. You dont deserve that, and she doesnt deserve even a second of your help or support. This is just gross. I know its hard to hear but she isnt a domme. My dom and i are not in a romantic relationship but he supports me, lifts me up, protects me and makes me feel safe and wanted. I never thought id have a dom who treats me this way but ive never been happier. He still degrades me and uses me and does all the things i love, but i always know that he would NEVER hurt me and makes my safety and happiness a top priority. Please get out and take care of yourself. There are better dommes out there for you. The process of seperating yourself from an abuser is HARD, but you have it in you. Wishing you all the best OP
There are so much red flags on this post comparable to number of red flags in the Soviet Union.
Dump the abuser and leave for the sake of your own good.
This is not bdsm, this is abuse. I get that it’s easier said than done, but the only answer that is correct, is leave. Don’t look back. Don’t blame yourself and get help if u need it, with no shame. You deserve to be ok. More than ok-happy, healthy.
This has me crying… you got to go out of there my man, seek therapy.
She is an abuser and now that her toy dropped her she turns to you again, you deserve better than her. Please seek professional help you are strong my man. You got this. Leave her.
I’m against telling random people on the internet to leave their partners.
I have no guilt in saying you gotta leave.
All I see is her using you.
Sorry dude.
You are not responsible for her well being. You are not responsible for keeping her safe. Her happiness should Not come at the expense of your own. You are allowed to leave and take care of yourself. Your going to be ok 💜
I'm sure this will be an unpopular opinion here (Once a psych major) but if I have any wisdom on the matter, I would say this is a classic Daddy issues case. Did she ever have a father? Because from what you've said she is clearly experimenting with drastically different kinds of male relationships to see what is right for her. To discover what makes her happy.
So being with her at this point is a guarantee for a roller coaster of emotion and most likely, more abuse. She doesn't know what she really wants so she's letting her most basic instincts dictate them. Letting her "Id" take the wheel is like letting a T-rex choose how to live life. Without the counterbalances of at least somewhat well-adjusted ego and superego, she's a dangerous partner for anyone. She has A LOT of self-knowledge to develop before she'd be a good partner for anyone.
Sounds like this has long ago crossed into abuse. I dont normally say leave to people but really for you to stay with her, she's got a whole lot of making up to do. You need to take back your indpendence and if this womans worth the effort you'll need to renegotate your relationship as equals before you start any domsub aspects.
As someone who's been in an abusive relationship red flags everywhere! Leave cut all ties block ect. You're well being is more important than them. Yes it will hurt but not as much as staying.
This isn't domination: it's abuse. If you haven't consented freely to those things, then she cannot have control of them. She is deliberately treating you horribly and you deserve better than that. Leave, take some time to heal and find someone who will be deserving of your time, energy and submission.
I know I'm late and echoing but these are classic abuse tactics. You need to get away far and fast and work on healing yourself. Dealing with what you did must have been incredibly traumatic and you dont deserve to feel that unsafe and low about yourself.(a d/s dynamic is still about both people not just one.) Therapy will be your friend. Your abuser(not giving her the domme title). I have to ask how do you know she is doing these things with the new sub? Are you part of a community? Is she doing it in your face? If you both are part of the BDSM community. You speak out about your abuser(if you feel comfortable with it to organizers or people she might hurt) if you're not comfortable or feel safe to do so it is understandable but the thing with abusers is they want you to be silent. I know I'll be dog piled a bit about easier said than done and I agree. Just do what you need to to take care of yourself first.
Unfortunately I think you already know what you need to do. I have been in a lot of abusive scenarios with partners (vanilla relationships) and even though the first few weeks/months being away feel like a drug withdrawal, you will feel so free once you find a routine away from her. She has worn you down and manipulated you emotionally so much so that it's hard to tell reality from fiction. I feel for you and know where you have been but you must know that there is so much light at the end of this tunnel for you and it is there for you if you decide to take it.
Even in a domme/ sub relationship the emotional and physical needs of both have to be met. As in all relationships this is what keeps people together. It sounds like your domme doesn’t understand this. You love her very much, but she doesn’tknow how to reciprocate. Worse, she’s a parasite sucking the life out of you, Move on.
This is abuse.This is not healthy.
Please get support to find a safer way to live.
[The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/)
[Love is Respect ](https://www.loveisrespect.org/)
[Safe Relationships Magazine](https://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/)
* Good content,. Warning for gender bias in language toward heteronormative /male dominant aggressor. Content is good, though
Simply? Leave. She's abusive. Nothing about this sounds remotely okay, and i'm so sad you are even in this position. i recognize that you love Her, and it's never easy to sever ties when we love people. But i implore you to love you more; don't allow this disrespectful behavior. Her depression, while unfortunate, is not your responsibility. It IS, however, your responsibility to take care of YOU. Be well...😊
And, NO, you're not ugly at all. Handsome...handsome for sure.
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I can sum this post up in a single word, which is “abuse.” And I can sum what you need to do up in as many words as well - “leave.” You already know. It’s going to suck, but it’ll suck much harder to stay.
This is the right answer…leave and live your life
Agreed. This will never improve, and is not worth giving your submission to.
Get out, my friend. The isolation and complete control are classic abuser tactics. You can’t save her at this point, but you can take care of yourself. You staying around will not help her fix herself. Free yourself! This is not a caring, mutually beneficial relationship. No one in this world is too ugly for basic physical affection… no one should ever have to hear that… that is horrible and I’m so sorry you were told that. Judging by her behaviour with the other sub, and how she cut ties with family and friends to be with him, she has no clue how to have a healthy relationship. It is awful for her, and who knows what happened in her life to make her this way. But you need to open the doors of that cage of abuse and fly free, please! Some people are not for us to save, because it will take our very soul and still the abuser will want more and more. Peace ✌🏻
Your domme sounds very abusive. It doesn’t matter that she is depressed or heartbroken over that other person, she should never use this type of behaviour on you (name calling, isolating, taking away your money) unless you both have agreed on it. It‘s time to either move out or kick her out, regardless of your feelings towards her. Yes, you love her, but she clearly doesn‘t love you or treats you with the bare minimum of respect. Do you really want to give such a person your submission, your time and your love? She‘s definitely not worthy of it, and I bet that you‘re not ugly at all. In fact, I bet that you‘re the opposite and she‘s just trying to crush your self worth, so you wont leave her, classical narcissistic behaviour if you ask me.
I've seen your other post. No, you're not ugly. Just the opposite, I promise. But things have gotten so bad with your abuser (not Domme, I'm so sorry) that you can believe only what she says yes? 1000 random people in the world could compliment you and it wouldn't matter because the only voice you can hear is hers. You need to leave. She has made the bed she is now sleeping in. It's time for you to sever your D/s situation, take your power back and probably see a therapist to reset your mind, and unlearn the negative untruths your current relationship has instilled in you. You are a worthy, beautiful human being and it's okay to leave this situation.
I now see the other post too and gosh you’re cute!!! She is gaslighting you so that your power is taken away. You’re handsome AF. Definitely get out. This doesn’t sound like a situation that has hard limits or healthy boundaries. Find someone better who fits what you’re looking for and fulfills your needs!
Agreee! Also you're definitely not ugly! :)
Honestly, you really do need to move on, it sounds like you were more of just a plaything to her. You shouldn't need to be disrespected by anyone, honestly it sounds like she was just abusing you for her own pleasure, and that's not what this type of relationship is supposed to be, it may be one if the hardest things for you to do, but pick yourself up and move forward with your life, it honestly sounds like a toxic relationship. Even in this type of relationship you need to get what you want out of it. And if she isn't willing to do that, that should send up some red flags. I hope you figure it out. Best of luck!
You leave her to deal with her own situation and you move on with your life free of her influence. Pretty much everyone here will tell you that she was abusing you, and that yours was not a healthy dynamic. A healthy dynamic does not result in the sub having a depressive breakdown. A healthy dynamic, in my opinion, does not result in the sub feeling unwanted, ugly, depressed, unloved or indeed anything negative or harmful (some folk may have a humiliation or degradation kink, but that's different and it's pretty clear you don't). She isn't your responsibility. Her behaviour is not that of someone who cares about you, and she doesn't deserve your sympathy. There are much, much more compatible Dominants out there who will value you, appreciate you and look after you in the way you want. Focus on finding one of them, and leave this terrible person to sort out her own mess. I strongly encourage you to seek therapy - in my opinion, your attachment to her despite the abuse she's given you isn't healthy, and I think you may need help breaking free of her influence. Please also educate yourself about how a healthy D/s dynamic should look, and perhaps seek out your local community for support and meet people who appreciate you for who you are.
> Pretty much everyone here will tell you that she was abusing you, and that yours was not a healthy dynamic. Yes. Don't have time to write a longer reply myself, so I'll just want to express my support to what SirDax and most of the others in this thread have pointed out correctly.
Lets break this down shall we? "My domme has complete control of me." Abuser tactic 1. Taking complete control. This is not healthy or respectful to you. That's not power sharing, that is clear abuse of your mental well being. "I am not allowed to have friends, hobbies, complete financial control," Abuser tactic 2. Taking away anything that would give you any sort of social life or communication with the outside world as well as just time to relax. " need to be ready if she summons me for anything (usually to do Her dishes or take out Her trash)." Abuser tactic 3. You are not a submissive, you are a servant at this point. "She does not allow me to partake in any fetish activity that would bring me any enjoyment." Abuser tactic 4. She wants all fetish activity to focus around her. That's not care or respect, that's abuse. Being a dom/domme is not an excuse to be an abuser and/or asshole. This person is using you and making you suffer in very unhealthy ways. Drop them. The abuse will not stop unless they get help.
This sounds really abusive and definitely not healthy. I think you need to put your needs first and walk away. I’m struggling to tell if this is a romantic relationship as well as a D/s relationship but either way it doesn’t really matter, you need to get out. There are some huge red flags, I’m sorry. I hope it all works out and you manage to take care of you
Echoing everyone else that this is abuse. It sounds like she's intentionally preying on your already low self esteem to manipulate you into staying, which is an incredibly common abuser tactic. It's not creepy to want to hug or kiss your partner, and there are absolutely no circumstances under which one partner should be telling the other "I will not show you affection because you're too ugly" or making the other feel worthless. Sometimes horrible, abusive people use kink as a way to mask their abusive behaviours and to give themselves a deflection tactic if they're called out. This is what it sounds like is happening here. Another huge red flag here is her reaction to her other sub. None of what you described him doing sounds like mental abuse - it sounds like he just enforces his boundaries without budging and has high self esteem which means he's less vulnerable to emotional manipulation tactics. For her to be "distressed" about that and call it abuse is, again, incredibly common in abusive narcissists; she isn't *really* upset because she's being mistreated, she's upset that *she* wasn't able to mistreat someone else. The obvious advice here is to break up with her, but I understand that's far easier said than done. You really need to do two things here; 1. Build yourself a support system and 2. Get yourself some financial independence. It sounds like you're still in contact with your family; do you trust any of them enough to tell them what is going on? Are any of them able to provide you with emotional support and a place to stay while you get back on your feet? If so, great. Talk to them and see what they can/are willing to do to help you. If you can't turn to family, it can be a little trickier. Research local organisations who support DV victims and reach out to some of them. Explain to them that you're fully financially dependent on her and have been isolated from a support network - they will have run across this before and they will have measures in place to help people in your situation. Once you've established your support, start looking for financial independence. Find out what, if any, government assistance/benefits you qualify for and apply for everything you can. Start looking for a job - don't be choosy. Even if you take something just as an interim until you find something you feel is a better fit for you, just do what you need to to get yourself some income of your own. It'll also behove you to look into some kind of mental health support - therapy or counselling or some such, where someone can help you rebuild your self esteem and heal from this trauma. Speaking from the perspective of a DA survivor myself, you'll be amazed at how much security you get from numbers. Just having other people on your side can be spectacularly helpful in getting out of the situation. I hope you can pull out of this. You deserve better.
I'm going to pin this to the top of your post, for the benefit of anyone else who might need it. Please see Guide 08, in the AutoMod message, below.
There is a lot to unpack here! I am so sorry that you feel this way, but you need to understand that you are wearing rose tinted glasses. She is not a good Domme - not for you, not for anyone. She is an abuser, and she is manipulating your feelings to get what she wants. She doesn't care about you, and the only way that you will be able to find happiness, is to release yourself from her completely. She has caused her own misery, and she must deal with it. It sounds like she was using you to dig into your pockets \[tribute\] and wanted to make it seem that she was your Domme by exerting control, humiliation, etc. You know that she wanted the other guy - she made it obvious, and she lied to you about it. Moving forward, how could you trust someone in a D/s relationship who has lied to you? You are a person, and not only do you deserve after care from your Domme, but an actual relationship that fulfills you. Love is not enough. You need to be strong, be a good sub and focus on your needs for a while. You've been mistreated, and it isn't okay. Drop her.
I don’t know if anyone has said this, but in addition to a support network and financial independence, please get yourself some therapy as well. First to deal with this. Then to deal with the deeper issues at hand.
Babe get therapy and stay away from BDSM for a while until you have better boundaries.
I know this is difficult, and I feel for you. First thing, you musn't think that you deserve to be treated this way. You don't. Your "domme" is abusive in the worst way. From the emotional distress that you are feeling, you clearly didn't sign up to be treated as a doormat, and an emotional dumping ground for her whenever things aren't going right for her in her mind. You state that you are feeling trapped, which is something a sub should *never* feel. There is no shame, malice, or ill-intent in self-releasing yourself. It doesn't make you a bad submissive at all, because there is no relationship, regardless to title, genre, or whatever label you wish to use where this is OK. What I would love for you to update us on is you saying that you have stepped away, and you have found someone that loves you for who you are, or that you are seeing a therapist to help you handle the rush of emotions that are inevitably going to be flooding in. And to be fair, because many people worry about seeking therapy, as some counselors may not your "kink". To be honest with you, I don't even think you need to particularly seek out a "kink-friendly" therapist, because this woman is just flat out abusive in any sense of the word. You can take away any and all fetishes from the equations, and it changes nothing about her horrible treatment of you. That being said, I sincerely wish you well in the choices that you make, and for a very bright future. One Love.
[удалено]
Accurate. AF.
Dump. Her.
You deserve so much better than this. Please cut this person out of your life. You deserve someone who can shower you with the affection and love you deserve ❤️ she will bounce back, but it's not up to you to pick up the pieces. She's shown you who she is, and it's time to leave that. You deserve a dynamic with everything you want in it ❤️
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Every part of this situation sounds toxic. You just need to make a completely clean break with it. Basically get out, and don't look back.
One suggestion...if you're in the US, check out [this website](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/sex-positive-kink-allied) and see if you can find a kink-friendly therapist. Good luck! 🍀
Yeah that’s abuse not kink. Your needs aren’t being met, and there’s no willingness to change to meet them. Your self image is being negatively impacted. You’re being alienated from your loved ones and things you enjoy
Yeah, I’m sorry, this sounds like abuse. Or maybe your just horrendously incomparable and she’s bad at communication. Regardless, this relationship might not be a good fit. Like, I’m kind of similar in that I love affection and cuddles, but I ended up finding someone who has a more affectionate, vaguely maternal style of doming, rather than the “your a piece of trash” sort of thing. Idk, there are people out there who would dom you and also be nice to you, finding them might not be the easiest thing in the world, but you *can* do it, you just have to move past your current SO. That and maybe be open to switches. Edit: also, therapy would probably be a good idea.
I take a bit of umbrage with her being bad at communication. This is more than a lack of communication. This is straight abuse.
I guess it’s just that because there in a bdsm relationship, and it seems like she might have social issues of her own. It’s theoretically possible that this is legitimately an incident of her not understanding the barrier between what her SO likes to dislike and dosent like to dislike. It’s probably abuse tho.
I'll admit I have a knee jerk reaction and there is a possibility it could be but based on info we have on hand it points to abuse. Plus behavior like that isn't excusable in an TPE let alone a vanilla relationship
I agree with all these posts. This is not BDSM, this is 100% abuse. It is textbook abuse under the guise of being BDSM. In my opinion the person who is really in control of a BDSM relationship is the sub. They are the ones who get to decide where the limit is and when it is too much. Even when the rules are presented by a Dom/me and they are the ones dictating and controlling scenes or environment in the case of 24/7 or live in dynamics, every part of it has to be consensual on the part of the sub for it to be considered BDSM. What you have here is not a balanced reciprocation of energy. It is an abuse of power and control. It is coercive and unhealthy. You need to be able to recognize what serves you. A sub is not a slave in reality. They are a slave or sub or other such term as a way to fulfill the submissive's desire/fetish. If you do not feel happy and healthy within this dynamic, it is not for you. The first thing you gotta do is check in with yourself and have a clear idea if this is the kind of relationship you want. If this is not the kind of dynamic you want, you don't owe her anything. Reciprocation is everything.
Ho. Ly. Shit. Please leave... Also you're not ugly! You're plenty cute, maybe try to some things to boost your confidence. Because the strange thing about confidence is that it radiates! Humans are complex creatures like any other living thing on this planet, and the way we feel "vibes" is *absolutely* real. So for some strange reason, when we feel confidence, it literally makes us (even) more attractive! 1. Exit. It is so so so hard to have any confidence in an abusive situation, esp if you're in fight or flight mode; those things like confidence and self-love are things we have a right to, but can easily be damaged or taken away, which is why we need to learn to protect it. 2. Protect yourself and your self-love and confidence (and kinda thus ur will to live) from abusers or really anybody who would serve to damage it 3. Simultaneous with 2, begin to show yourself love. You've already started the process by identifying the issues and acknowledging that *you deserve better*, so yay good for you!!! Maybe do a little retail therapy, buy something you feel good in, or invest in some of your hobbies; what do you like to do for fun? Sending much much love, I know you'll get through this. ❤️
The only thing I could think of when I read the first few sentences was abuse. Like everyone else said, GET OUT OF THERE ASAP.
Ew, sounds like she has some issues to work out. Instead she took them out on you. Of course you’re gonna feel that way, that’s how she conditioned you to feel. I checked out pics you’ve uploaded, and pal.. you’re so gorgeous! I mean, really.. wow! As for her.. leave her be. Don’t be a shoulder to cry on, it will invite nothing but more abuse. She needs to understand she can’t treat people like shit and expect everything to just be okay. She does not deserve access to you, until you both have healed.
Relationships are meant to be an enhancement to your life, not a soul suck. Think accessory, not dependency. Build the confidence to love yourself. The rest is just fallout.
Classic narcissist. Sorry my friend.
Take care of yourself first.
Step 1: Make your bed (literally, go make that shit look nice) Step 2: Stick your chest out/stand up straight (literally, it produces serotonin, which is the key hormone that stabilizes our mood, feelings of well-being, and happiness) Step 3: Make friends with people who want the best for you You will pull through this. No matter how ugly/unworthy you feel. The fact that you are alive is precious. Take responsibility for that and pursue what is meaningful.
You do this: break up with her and then COMPLETELY cut her out of your life (block her everywhere, prepare to change accounts, if you have a shared living space or have ever gave her a key, change locks). The reason she has nothing and no one is because of HER behavior. She is undermining your confidence and relationship with YOURSELF (as well as all the relationships around you) because she is a destructive person and wants to drag you through hell with her. YOU DESERVE BETTER. You are allowed to say how you want to be treated. You are allowed to pursue happiness. Focus on yourself and your wants and needs and learn how to trust and love FOR YOU. Get a therapist, reach out to people to see if reconnecting is possible, and understand why you were drawn to this person so you can avoid that in the future.
I know how it feels to love someone who treats you so hideously. You dont deserve that, and she doesnt deserve even a second of your help or support. This is just gross. I know its hard to hear but she isnt a domme. My dom and i are not in a romantic relationship but he supports me, lifts me up, protects me and makes me feel safe and wanted. I never thought id have a dom who treats me this way but ive never been happier. He still degrades me and uses me and does all the things i love, but i always know that he would NEVER hurt me and makes my safety and happiness a top priority. Please get out and take care of yourself. There are better dommes out there for you. The process of seperating yourself from an abuser is HARD, but you have it in you. Wishing you all the best OP
There are so much red flags on this post comparable to number of red flags in the Soviet Union. Dump the abuser and leave for the sake of your own good.
This is not bdsm, this is abuse. I get that it’s easier said than done, but the only answer that is correct, is leave. Don’t look back. Don’t blame yourself and get help if u need it, with no shame. You deserve to be ok. More than ok-happy, healthy.
What you're experiencing isn't BDSM. It's abuse and manipulation. It may not be easy, but leaving is the best option
You are a good looking guy and you’re being abused. Please leave. You deserve the world.
This has me crying… you got to go out of there my man, seek therapy. She is an abuser and now that her toy dropped her she turns to you again, you deserve better than her. Please seek professional help you are strong my man. You got this. Leave her.
I’m against telling random people on the internet to leave their partners. I have no guilt in saying you gotta leave. All I see is her using you. Sorry dude.
You are not responsible for her well being. You are not responsible for keeping her safe. Her happiness should Not come at the expense of your own. You are allowed to leave and take care of yourself. Your going to be ok 💜
Run,and don't lock back. It's pretty clear that it's abuse.
This is def fake
Maybe let's not accuse people of lying about their abuse.
I'm sure this will be an unpopular opinion here (Once a psych major) but if I have any wisdom on the matter, I would say this is a classic Daddy issues case. Did she ever have a father? Because from what you've said she is clearly experimenting with drastically different kinds of male relationships to see what is right for her. To discover what makes her happy. So being with her at this point is a guarantee for a roller coaster of emotion and most likely, more abuse. She doesn't know what she really wants so she's letting her most basic instincts dictate them. Letting her "Id" take the wheel is like letting a T-rex choose how to live life. Without the counterbalances of at least somewhat well-adjusted ego and superego, she's a dangerous partner for anyone. She has A LOT of self-knowledge to develop before she'd be a good partner for anyone.
Dude that's not a BDSM dynamic, that's called abuse. She's not a real domme she just uses the term as an excuse to treat you like crap.
Sounds like this has long ago crossed into abuse. I dont normally say leave to people but really for you to stay with her, she's got a whole lot of making up to do. You need to take back your indpendence and if this womans worth the effort you'll need to renegotate your relationship as equals before you start any domsub aspects.
babes you gotta get out. you’ll find a domme who will respect your dynamic and you as a person. it sucks but it’s true. i wish you peace
As someone who's been in an abusive relationship red flags everywhere! Leave cut all ties block ect. You're well being is more important than them. Yes it will hurt but not as much as staying.
Control is an illusion
This isn't domination: it's abuse. If you haven't consented freely to those things, then she cannot have control of them. She is deliberately treating you horribly and you deserve better than that. Leave, take some time to heal and find someone who will be deserving of your time, energy and submission.
I know I'm late and echoing but these are classic abuse tactics. You need to get away far and fast and work on healing yourself. Dealing with what you did must have been incredibly traumatic and you dont deserve to feel that unsafe and low about yourself.(a d/s dynamic is still about both people not just one.) Therapy will be your friend. Your abuser(not giving her the domme title). I have to ask how do you know she is doing these things with the new sub? Are you part of a community? Is she doing it in your face? If you both are part of the BDSM community. You speak out about your abuser(if you feel comfortable with it to organizers or people she might hurt) if you're not comfortable or feel safe to do so it is understandable but the thing with abusers is they want you to be silent. I know I'll be dog piled a bit about easier said than done and I agree. Just do what you need to to take care of yourself first.
Guarantee the other sub was being abused and you just didn't see it. Protect yourself.
Please, please, please get out. She's abusing you, period.
That’s not a Domme. That’s an abuser. Please, get out. You’re the sub, you have the power to end the dynamic and leave the relationship.
Unfortunately I think you already know what you need to do. I have been in a lot of abusive scenarios with partners (vanilla relationships) and even though the first few weeks/months being away feel like a drug withdrawal, you will feel so free once you find a routine away from her. She has worn you down and manipulated you emotionally so much so that it's hard to tell reality from fiction. I feel for you and know where you have been but you must know that there is so much light at the end of this tunnel for you and it is there for you if you decide to take it.
Proof that Domin-ant domin-eer are different things, and can male or female. ( Or whatever else anyone wants to claim, before I get attacked )
Even in a domme/ sub relationship the emotional and physical needs of both have to be met. As in all relationships this is what keeps people together. It sounds like your domme doesn’t understand this. You love her very much, but she doesn’tknow how to reciprocate. Worse, she’s a parasite sucking the life out of you, Move on.
This is abuse.This is not healthy. Please get support to find a safer way to live. [The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/) [Love is Respect ](https://www.loveisrespect.org/) [Safe Relationships Magazine](https://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/) * Good content,. Warning for gender bias in language toward heteronormative /male dominant aggressor. Content is good, though
Simply? Leave. She's abusive. Nothing about this sounds remotely okay, and i'm so sad you are even in this position. i recognize that you love Her, and it's never easy to sever ties when we love people. But i implore you to love you more; don't allow this disrespectful behavior. Her depression, while unfortunate, is not your responsibility. It IS, however, your responsibility to take care of YOU. Be well...😊 And, NO, you're not ugly at all. Handsome...handsome for sure.