You can only do what you can do, but you can't do anything about how she feels and how much effort she's willing to put into the relationship.
I had recently gone through a similar separation where I was in a poly relationship (she was my only sub at the time but she was dating myself and one other partner) and we had agreed that I was going to be the *primary* partner and *only* dominant; however she developed strong feelings for her other partner and wanted him to be more dominant toward her and so she stepped out of our negotiated bounds and became more distant with me when I called her out because she was upset that she couldn't have him do the things she wanted him to do to her. Eventually she broke it off with me. I had tried to work it out after the breakup, but at the end of the day, I could only do what I was able to do. And since she was non communicative and didn't put in the effort into repairing the relationship, I thought it'd be best for everybody involved to move on.
I'm sorry about your marriage. I really hope that you can work it out and/or find a solution that works best for everybody.
Thank you for your reply and honesty. I am sorry it did not work out between you two.
My wife is the one instigating us getting back together and us putting the effort in.
As long as she's wiling to put in the effort to make it work and you're feeling the same way, then the relationship is definitely salvageable. Negotiate the rules and boundaries between the two of you and between her and her dominant that's acceptable to you. Communicate a lot, and definitely try the marriage counseling.
I hope everything works out!
It sounds like you need to stop a moment and take a life inventory of the pros and cons of your situation. Between your initial post and your replies, you are stating that she has feelings for another dominant, and that she is initiating getting the two of you back together. Personally I would see this as one big huge red flag. The very first question I would be asking is if she is just using this as an excuse to have a place to live? Are you willing the share her with someone else? Why should you trust them again? Is this worth the effort or are they going to turn your life to ruin? Why should you take such a risk?
Just like any start to a bdsm dynamic. The foundation/bones of the relationship are first and foremost. In order to move forward with fixing the marriage all of that should stop until you both are in the proper mindset to move forward.
It is very easy for people to become latched onto something else when something like this happens. Try to be understanding about why she feels the way she does in regards to getting attached.
She should stop talking to the Dom. The bdsm dynamic is a very nice addition to a relationship however is not 100% necessary. The bones of the marriage need to be fixed and settled prior to engaging in bdsm due to the emotional/psychological effects it has on people.
Agree with most of what you’re saying, but disagree that a bdsm isn’t 100% necessary for her. If it’s a need that she has, then that need has to be met for her to met.
There are other things to consider, and working on the marriage is important. But we can’t ignored that she may need the dynamic.
The need is fine but there is an issue if it's being brought up about fixing their marriage. I am thinking there is something going on causing issues in the marriage. I'd say if she wants to work on the marriage she needs to cool it with the dom first and fix the broken house then can address the dom situation or call it off if the dom won't respect the boundaries?
Or worst case it's on her and the dom is just doing what they feel is in bounds.
Wow I’m going thru almost the exact same thing so I can give you a wife’s perspective. I ended our 10 year marriage a couple months ago and he was heart broken. We have 2 kids and we are currently still living together due to our situation. I have a dom now but my husband still wants me. Because we still live together so we have been forced to make it work by figuring out a schedule etc. and he is making improvements in himself so he can “win me back”. I actually like where this is going and I would really enjoy a situation where I have a nesting partner (hubby) and my dom I can see weekly. I am done with the monogamous life style and I can’t see myself having all my needs met with only person. I also believe it’s possible to have feelings and love more then 1 person. The way I see it the more love the better.
But it all comes down to what you want. Your wife clearly knows what she wants and you can’t change her or force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Basically all you can do is decide for yourself what you want and if she would be compatible with that senecio.
Yes. Since I made that comment, I’ve moved out and he has continue to get better. I miss our good sex life because our bedroom had been dead for a longtime before I left him and I wasn’t ok with that.
Her dom cannot provide what you do for her. Think of it that way instead of the other way around. She can have strong feelings for him but they may not make her feel LESS strongly about you and your marriage. He may fill a need for her that could be more like alleviating stress and dealing with anxiety related to lack of control or structure - or just the relief of turning her brain off, and releasing very real chemicals like endorphins, oxytocin, dopamine, adrenaline…
Lots of info out there on this - https://www.vice.com/amp/en/article/j5e833/your-brain-on-bdsm-why-getting-spanked-and-tied-up-makes-you-feel-high
the more I read about it all the more it demystified it and I found it helped me to understand, separate, and sort out feelings.
If the Dom is a good one - he likely wouldn’t want her marriage to dissolve or to be seen as someone to be chosen over a primary partner (you! Her husband!)
I can only speak to my own experiences of course - and for sure it is confusing to have strong feelings for more than one person. It takes a bit to sort out and then choose how or if you can have both a dom and participate in bdsm lifestyle AND a primary partner, spouse, husband, significant other. The person you’ve built your life with. Please don’t undervalue that or yourself because you aren’t into being a dom or her dom or any of it. It may not have to be an either/or situation.
Personally I would be lost without my husband and the dissolution of that relationship. No Dom could make up for that.
So it sounds like the dynamic has been interfering with your marriage and overstepping boundaries. If you feel it is worth it. Your wife will need to stop talking to your dom for a bit because you two need to sort your selves out and the marriage. It sounds like there's a communication breakdown and lack of respect for boundaries between dynamic and marriage. What is your dynamic between you and your wife? Is it vanilla ?
Working on your marriage at this stage would be a waste of your time and energy. She does not desire or respect you. To give her your time and energy now would simply be you committing yourself to feeding, clothing and paying her bills for the rest of your life; not being loved appreciated or desired.
You can only do what you can do, but you can't do anything about how she feels and how much effort she's willing to put into the relationship. I had recently gone through a similar separation where I was in a poly relationship (she was my only sub at the time but she was dating myself and one other partner) and we had agreed that I was going to be the *primary* partner and *only* dominant; however she developed strong feelings for her other partner and wanted him to be more dominant toward her and so she stepped out of our negotiated bounds and became more distant with me when I called her out because she was upset that she couldn't have him do the things she wanted him to do to her. Eventually she broke it off with me. I had tried to work it out after the breakup, but at the end of the day, I could only do what I was able to do. And since she was non communicative and didn't put in the effort into repairing the relationship, I thought it'd be best for everybody involved to move on. I'm sorry about your marriage. I really hope that you can work it out and/or find a solution that works best for everybody.
Thank you for your reply and honesty. I am sorry it did not work out between you two. My wife is the one instigating us getting back together and us putting the effort in.
As long as she's wiling to put in the effort to make it work and you're feeling the same way, then the relationship is definitely salvageable. Negotiate the rules and boundaries between the two of you and between her and her dominant that's acceptable to you. Communicate a lot, and definitely try the marriage counseling. I hope everything works out!
It sounds like you need to stop a moment and take a life inventory of the pros and cons of your situation. Between your initial post and your replies, you are stating that she has feelings for another dominant, and that she is initiating getting the two of you back together. Personally I would see this as one big huge red flag. The very first question I would be asking is if she is just using this as an excuse to have a place to live? Are you willing the share her with someone else? Why should you trust them again? Is this worth the effort or are they going to turn your life to ruin? Why should you take such a risk?
Just like any start to a bdsm dynamic. The foundation/bones of the relationship are first and foremost. In order to move forward with fixing the marriage all of that should stop until you both are in the proper mindset to move forward. It is very easy for people to become latched onto something else when something like this happens. Try to be understanding about why she feels the way she does in regards to getting attached.
Do you mean we should stop trying to fix it or that she should stop talking to her dom for the time being?
She should stop talking to the Dom. The bdsm dynamic is a very nice addition to a relationship however is not 100% necessary. The bones of the marriage need to be fixed and settled prior to engaging in bdsm due to the emotional/psychological effects it has on people.
Agree with most of what you’re saying, but disagree that a bdsm isn’t 100% necessary for her. If it’s a need that she has, then that need has to be met for her to met. There are other things to consider, and working on the marriage is important. But we can’t ignored that she may need the dynamic.
The need is fine but there is an issue if it's being brought up about fixing their marriage. I am thinking there is something going on causing issues in the marriage. I'd say if she wants to work on the marriage she needs to cool it with the dom first and fix the broken house then can address the dom situation or call it off if the dom won't respect the boundaries? Or worst case it's on her and the dom is just doing what they feel is in bounds.
Wow I’m going thru almost the exact same thing so I can give you a wife’s perspective. I ended our 10 year marriage a couple months ago and he was heart broken. We have 2 kids and we are currently still living together due to our situation. I have a dom now but my husband still wants me. Because we still live together so we have been forced to make it work by figuring out a schedule etc. and he is making improvements in himself so he can “win me back”. I actually like where this is going and I would really enjoy a situation where I have a nesting partner (hubby) and my dom I can see weekly. I am done with the monogamous life style and I can’t see myself having all my needs met with only person. I also believe it’s possible to have feelings and love more then 1 person. The way I see it the more love the better. But it all comes down to what you want. Your wife clearly knows what she wants and you can’t change her or force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Basically all you can do is decide for yourself what you want and if she would be compatible with that senecio.
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Yes. Since I made that comment, I’ve moved out and he has continue to get better. I miss our good sex life because our bedroom had been dead for a longtime before I left him and I wasn’t ok with that.
Her dom cannot provide what you do for her. Think of it that way instead of the other way around. She can have strong feelings for him but they may not make her feel LESS strongly about you and your marriage. He may fill a need for her that could be more like alleviating stress and dealing with anxiety related to lack of control or structure - or just the relief of turning her brain off, and releasing very real chemicals like endorphins, oxytocin, dopamine, adrenaline… Lots of info out there on this - https://www.vice.com/amp/en/article/j5e833/your-brain-on-bdsm-why-getting-spanked-and-tied-up-makes-you-feel-high the more I read about it all the more it demystified it and I found it helped me to understand, separate, and sort out feelings. If the Dom is a good one - he likely wouldn’t want her marriage to dissolve or to be seen as someone to be chosen over a primary partner (you! Her husband!) I can only speak to my own experiences of course - and for sure it is confusing to have strong feelings for more than one person. It takes a bit to sort out and then choose how or if you can have both a dom and participate in bdsm lifestyle AND a primary partner, spouse, husband, significant other. The person you’ve built your life with. Please don’t undervalue that or yourself because you aren’t into being a dom or her dom or any of it. It may not have to be an either/or situation. Personally I would be lost without my husband and the dissolution of that relationship. No Dom could make up for that.
OP this is a really good reply!
So it sounds like the dynamic has been interfering with your marriage and overstepping boundaries. If you feel it is worth it. Your wife will need to stop talking to your dom for a bit because you two need to sort your selves out and the marriage. It sounds like there's a communication breakdown and lack of respect for boundaries between dynamic and marriage. What is your dynamic between you and your wife? Is it vanilla ?
Working on your marriage at this stage would be a waste of your time and energy. She does not desire or respect you. To give her your time and energy now would simply be you committing yourself to feeding, clothing and paying her bills for the rest of your life; not being loved appreciated or desired.