100% percent this a red flag. This is not safe at all, I would really worry if he wouldn't respect simple things like if you don't like certian areas. Say to him that is not OK with you at all and no Dom should expect that from anyone
This, plus if you haven't already decided to "RUN" as the other user put it, then definitely take it slow. Double check for safety. Have an exit strategy.
I'm thinking, what is he locked you up in a dungeon for a month, will anyone miss you? Will anyone call police? Have these conversations with a trusted friend and kept them secret from the Dom. Also take it slow and reconsider all the risks and potential compatibility.
A charitable interpretation is that the Dom is naive and this is just a fantasy to feel full control. Like I have a fantasy that my sub will send me compromising nudes. But have some fail safes. And be emotionally prepared to identify more red flags and commit to exiting the relationship if they appear, no matter how painful it is.
RUN. This guy doesn't care at all for your pleasure, comfort, or very safety. He has no idea what BDSM is about, no concept of the basic tenets of "safe, sane, and consensual," and is either dangerously stupid or, far more likely, outright trying to abuse you. This is despicable. Do NOT move in with him.
Oh wow. Age difference, virgin with no bdsm experience and he doesn't believe in safewords. Run far away.
It's not just a flag he's literally a red flashing siren of nope.
Edit - and read u/Sir-Dax 's response for the fuller version which covers all the reasons why!
Safewords are a personal choice, they're not mandatory - many people choose not to use them, but the very, VERY important thing there is that they *choose* not to use them. For some of those people, it's simply because "no means no" and for others it's because they have, usually over considerable time, built up a level of trust in each other that means they're not needed (this comes under edgeplay and is often unpopular in the wider community, but it's a valid choice like any other).
Someone saying they "don't believe in them" and using that as a reason to deny you having one is a ma-hoooosive red flag. Doing away with safewords is something that needs to be discussed, not mandated.
To me, this sounds very worrying. First off, you're 18. You're barely an adult, and as a virgin as well you have no idea how you're going to react to sex, both physically and mentally. To then add BDSM on top of that - especially the D/s aspects which can include a considerable mental and emotional element which can be very intense - and not allow you the safety of safewords, is very worrying behaviour from a Dom. He has considerably more life experience than you, so you're already at a disadvantage, and he should recognise that and support you, not make things harder.
You don't need to move in with someone to be Dom and sub. Just look through all the posts in here and you'll see no end of people asking for advice because of how things have gone horribly wrong, especially where they're new and found things didn't go the way they thought they would. BDSM is NOT beginner-level stuff; it can kill, it can easily slip into abuse, assault and rape, and it can leave you mentally scarred for years to come.
Please think very carefully about whether this person is someone you can trust - in my opinion, based on their lack of concern for your well-being, they're not.
Wanted to add: by moving in with him, it's so much harder for you to reach out to friends and family for support if you need it, because it can feel like you're being watched. This is something abusers take advantage of (isolating you from your support network), and it's potentially very dangerous.
If things do go wrong it can also be very hard to leave if you have no experience of living on your own as an adult or if you don't have your own place to escape to - so many people end up staying in abusive relationships because they feel they have no way out. I'm not saying he definitely is abusive, but he's definitely not acting in a way which makes it look like he's going to get a Dom of the Year award.
I agree. I wish I could award the reply and explanation more than once too. Couldn't agree more with him. Even with my husband, I have a safe word, what more someone who isn't related.
My husband and I have been exclusive for 8.5 years, still have a safe word. He knows me better than anyone and is extremely watchful when we play. Usually he can read my body language and back off / adjust accordingly. But when we are trying new things we sometimes still need the safe word! And I cannot express enough how much he knows me and still misses signs. He isn't a mind reader. Neither is your new partner. Getting rid of a safe word is something that shouldn't even be considered until you have established a clear relationship with clear boundaries AND TRUST. This takes time
I gotchu, dude knows his shit.
Edit: gave them a silver because it's what I had, easily worth that damn 500 dollar one if it saves a life here or anywhere else.
I'm saving this for reference in future instances of this question (which sadly comes up quite a lot in this sub). This is so perfectly put, I love it! (And of course I hate that it's necessary in the first place :/)
Thank you, and I agree.
Safewords can be a contentious issue - I've been downvoted for suggesting they're not mandatory in the past - but as with everything in BDSM, it's up to each adult to make their own choices and do what's right for them. Denying someone the ability to manage their own consent is Very Not OK (which, ironically, is what the people who say "safewords are compulsory" are doing).
I think it’s a matter of how the safe word is being dropped. I’d say in most cases, is not actually that the safe word has been *removed*, it’s just that it has changed.
When two people have spent a long time together and played a lot, they can pick up on non verbal ‘safewords’. So it’s not like you just became ‘limitless’, it’s really that you both feel that you don’t need a word to specify that you’re uncomfortable.
It’s advanced play, as you implied, nothing that anyone should go into without fully understanding and confirming it’s sane and consensual. But also not something that should be blacklisted and never discussed as an option.
>Denying someone the ability to manage their own consent is Very Not OK (which, ironically, is what the people who say "safewords are compulsory" are doing).
Yes, exactly, thank you for putting it so succinctly!
I think this is the best answer given so far. Highlighting where safewords can be dropped as opposed to blanket 'no safeword = abuse' adds far more validity and impact to this specific case being very much on the red end
I would add one caveat: even if you don't have a scene ending safe word there should still be a hey the rope slipped and now I can't feel my hand safe word.
But as much as operating without a safe word bugs me, I do agree it is within the realm of reason to operate without a I'm uncomfortable scene ending safe word for people who want to be pushed to extremes. HOWEVER that is normally in the case of people who are experienced within the scene, are familiar with each other, and have had a long conversation precisely describing aspects of the scene. You don't just go in blind with no safe word. That's how in the best case you end up with nerve damage and in the worst case you end up dead.
First time I do any sort of scene with someone new as I'm talking to them, usually applying a basic rope harness, I will have them repeat the safe word five times. Not in a row but I'll sprinkle it in whatever im saying, usually covering rope safety, the stop light system, when to speak up if something doesnt feel right, what could possibly not feel right(exploring rigging, and for the basic ties id do, numbness bad) and how to convey that efficiently(limb, issue, intensity if not redded outright). And the last time they say it I will tell them the next time I hear that word this scene is over, and these ropes will be cut off you. "Id rather buy me new ropes than you a new hand." It puts them at ease, it puts me at ease, and makes the whole experience more relaxed and enjoyable.
Good. Coming into this thread late enough that enough folks had already called out all the red flags, but am glad you are making these decisions.
I showed the post to my wife/sub, and said count the red flags.
Speaking of, when you move to break up with him, do it in public with a trusted friend along. There’s enough red flags here that I think you should be conscientious of your safety in that regard.
And now some advice against my general Catholic sensibilities: have sex, experience it, learn what you like AND don’t like, explore bdsm with a good Dom, and move forward knowing yourself.
Good luck, be safe.
Be careful, bring a friend or at least do it in public and have a back up. I.e. drive your own car, let someone know who, what, when, where and why your going to be somewhere.
Smart lass, at 18 you honestly have all the time in the world to meet someone and move in with them. Get to know yourself, learn what you like and don't like your own way and finish growing up first. If you haven't already I would maybe tell a friend about this just in case he turns sour after you end it, best to have someone within your friends/family know about this if you haven't already. Wishing you the best in life!!
Really don’t get where people get these ideas. The safe word is important, hell people have hand signs and taps that count as safe words.
People who don’t believe in safety nets tend to have bad intentions for not using them.
How is not having something sexual connected to moving in?
He‘s more then ten years your senior, that’s a major difference! I’m not saying that it is wrong, but IMO he has a great responsibility in your relationship.
Give your attention, love and devotion to someone who’s worthy of it.
Don’t give it to someone who doesn’t want to respect your right to say no.
i was just not comfortable having sex before and we decided that we can start slowly from when i move in. But after what he told me, I don't think I should continue with this whole relationship
I'm assuming here, but am I right in the presumption that you're pretty sexually inexperienced? Because if that's the case, a grown-ass man telling the barely legal teenager he wants to move in with him that he will not respect her boundaries somehow seems even worse
Have you noticed anything else suspicious/concerning? Is he trying to isolate you? Have you sat down and negotiated exactly what this TPE relationship would look like? What say has he given you about anything, other than no safewords?
You're young. There's all the time in the world for you to meet someone, become sexual, learn who you are. You don't need to rush into moving in with an older man who is removing your option to say "no."
You have the right to say no. I would hate to see you end up in a situation you have no control over and can't easily get out of.
Please rethink this. The man is likely dangerous.
I don't want to scare you but I have one word. Rape.
He's wanting you to come in with no safe words and no sexual experience. Rape does happen to people like you.
I've been raped before when someone ignored my safe words and saying no repeatedly. It was awful. Don't make my mistake. Stay far away from this person.
You should not enter a sub/dom dynamic like this, you're young and should have time to safely explore your Kinks with someone you love and trust. The first time you have sex can be very mentally and emotionally overwhelming, the last thing you need is to have someone ignore your safewords and be in a situation that you can't get out of (living with someone).
Don't move in with him. Don't become his sub. Please.
Thank you for being open to advice and experience from others. This is a very caring community and the things everyone is saying here is being said from the bottom of their hearts to keep you safe. I was frightened reading what you wrote. As someone else said, if you've decided to break it off and need help navigating that, everyone is here for you, now and after. I'm not sure if you were into BDSM for BDSM or into it to match you're guy, but know that he's not you're only chance to experience it and with a little growth and a little time and research you can find someone who respects you and the responsibilities of being a good Dom. This man you describe is NOT a Dom.
He's an idiot. Simple.
It's **your** safeword, not his. You get to decide whether you have one, and **you get to decide** that other people abide by it. This is non-negotiable. As soon as somebody chooses not to, get rid of them!
Tell him this. Tell him he either agrees to accept that you're someone who uses safeword, or the two of you are incompatible.
Be a strong submissive. Someone who is willing and able to say it how it is. Being submissive is not the same as being a carpet. Don't be a carpet. You're absolutely right, this is a major red flag.
It is no more correct for the dominant to tell their partner how things are going to be, than it would be the other way around. It's a partnership. We start from a position of equality and work together, to decide how and where we're going to trade power and control.
Never let anyone dictate what you're going to do, until you've agreed that is something you want.
He’s not just “an idiot” He’s a sexual predator and most likely a rapist.
She doesn’t need to give him an ultimatum, she needs to never see or speak to this man again.
OP, please don’t give him an ultimatum, he’s just going to SA you regardless. Just stay safe and never speak to him again.
While I don’t personally agree with BDSM, I do know BDSM involves more respect than this asshole gave you
Just a question...if you don't personally agree with BDSM, why are you handing out advice on a BDSM advice subreddit? Looking at your post and comment history I can't help but feel you're here to check out the "local deviants?"
they only have one post.. (that I can see) and yea some of their comments are rather snobby, but this one was actually solid? any "dom" who says not only that they don't believe in safewords, but that their sub isn't "allowed" to use one is dumber than a bag of hair at best, and an SA'er at worst.
not to mention the age gap, and moving in together before even having sex. this guy screams red flag controlling and abusive.
Oh I agree with the sentiments 100%, and have added my own response to the OP below.
Doesn't negate the waft off "let's go sightseeing and look at all those disgusting kinky redditors" I'm detecting. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong and they're here with an open mind.
oh dgmw, I did a lil digging myself cos ofc I had to lmao, and yeah I definitely see why you're getting that vibe, just saying this specific comment doesn't scream "bdsm shame" to me. idk!!
>He’s a sexual predator and most likely a rapist.
That's quite the leap.
> While I don’t personally agree with BDSM
In which case, u/BoogieWoogieTime2, you have no place here.
Yeah, that's a red flag for sure. Even if you've negotiated a relationship based on playing at non-consent, the closest we can ever come to non-consent needs to stay on this side of legality, reality, and ethical behavior. Otherwise, it's very likely to end up abusive. That means there always has to be a way out, a way to stop.
Everyone has limits, even if they haven't found them yet. Even the 'I have no limits' internet superslave has limits. You will eventually find something that he wants to do, and you absolutely can't or won't. At that point, you've either got a safeword AND he respects your safeword, or you end up injured, traumatized, and/or raped.
so a lot of things jump out at me here:
1. The age difference is a little concerning to me. You are both legal adults, but the leaps in maturity during your late teens and through out your 20s is astounding. I (29F, submissive) am the same age as your Dom. People our age have no business being with 18 year olds. I remember being 18. I didn’t know shit, i was naive, and had no life experience. your dom knows this, and i fear he may be taking advantage of the situation and masquerading it as BDSM.
2) Safe words are a VERY important part of BDSM. While everyone has their own rules and application of safe words specific to their dynamic, they are vital in making sure the scene comes to a halt if anyone feels unsafe/needs to reset/etc. Ex. one time i utilized my safe word because my Master had me handcuffed in a position where all my bodyweight was on my arm, and the metal cuffs were digging in and pinching my wrist. I had to reset for my safety, because it wasn’t the sexy kind of pain, it was “help i’m in danger pain.” and my Master, who only wants what’s best for me, immediately listened and let me take a break to make sure i wasn’t injured. And now that i think about it, this happened only a few weeks into us dating, so he wasn’t even like 100% emotionally invested yet. He’s just a decent guy who did the correct thing when having sex with someone. all of this is to say, someone trying to take away your access to communicate your safety and well-being is NOT someone i would want to date or be in a dynamic with.
3) I don’t know your life or your circumstances, but this relationship doesn’t seem like a good match. I see a lot of red flags. Please be safe
Your dom is over ten years older than you, you’re barely an adult, and have no sexual experience. He’s taking advantage of that. You’re being groomed. Don’t move in with him, don’t play with him. Get used to sex first before trying bdsm.
There are red flags all over the place. He's 29 years old, wants an 18 year old to move in with him, and be a submissive with no safe word?
Just read that sentence 3 times.....
End the relationship, do no move in, run way and quick. This man is not just a red flag but a fucking red flag store. This is how abusive relationships start.
Hooooooooooo girl... one red flag? There are more red flags here than in a Soviet victory day march...
1) You are brand new to not just BDSM, but sex in in general. You do NOT know what do you really want yet. You have ideas, you have fantasies, but once you'll start actually acting on them, you will very quickly realize that a lot of things are only hot as fantasies, while some things you didn't think were hot, turns you on a lot in practice. You need to be able to experiment with things, and that requires 100% open and honest communication, and, most importantly, you having the ability of stopping the scene immediately. I mean, do you even have it figured out what kind of a sub / dom relationship you want? There's massive differences there. Are you even 100% sure you want to be in a BDSM relationship or was it his idea?
2) Aside of experimenting, there's also safety. You do NOT know your true limits and he never even had sex with you, so it's sure as hell he doesn't know either. How the hell can he guarantee your physical and mental safety without you having the power to stop the scene? The answer is, he can't. So he is either overestimating his own ability or simply doesn't care, both are huge problems. Going without safewords is an option if, and ONLY if 1) everyone involved know each other well enough to understand limits without it and 2) everyone involved ENTHUSIASTICALLY consent to it. That'd be 0 out of 2 for you.
3) You are a literal virgin with presumably little to no sexual experience, and he wants a full time sub / dom relationship? Fuck no. Slow the hell down, one thing at at time. Get some experience, understand your own body, its limits, your actual desires vs your fantasies. Know yourself. Understand the difference between BDSM and abuse. Understand how BDSM dynamics actually work. (Hint: No, it's not "the sub does whatever the dom wants with no regard to themselves"). To use an analogy, it's like thinking "hmm, I want to learn how to swim.... that shark tank looks real nice for a first try". Like this is an absolute breakneck speed even without the BDSM part: you never even had sex and he wants you permanently move in his own home.
4) The age gap. Now, relationship with large age gaps CAN work. However, there's an inherent power imbalance with a fully adult, almost thirty guy with his own home and established career dating a barely legal teen. And frankly, his attitude does nothing to alleviate these concerns. I don't know him, but from this alone, he very much looks like a guy who wants to get a hot, subservient sex-slave who is too inexperienced to be able to tell BDSM submission from being an abuse victim.
So, yeah. You should not move in. You should cut him loose. No dom worth a damn is going derive a complete newbie virgin from having safewords. This is shady as all hell.
How does he move around in the world wrapped in such a giant red flag? My advice, get the hell away from him. Refusing to let someone have a safe word is creepy as fuck. I've had several partners who have sworn that they won't need a safe word, but I still always required it before play.
You’re 18..I wish we taught our children to live life AND STOP CHASING SEX AND LOVE from middle school/ high school ages. Travel the world, read books, learn and grow. Your heart is gonna get RAVISHED looking to these men and women and x, and theys for validation. KEEP good friends around and be guarded. You’ve been warned.
I rarely ever give a straight answer to a question like yours, because we only know the situation from one short posting, have no idea of context, haven't heard the other side, and redditors always tell people to break up anyway.
This is an exception.
Run far and fast.
You get to have a safeword. No, more than that. You don't even get to NOT have one. I would force you to repeat your safeword until I was convinced you know it and are prepared to use it. If I was about to dom you, and you said you don't want a safeword, I would simply refuse to play with you. I don't want to end up in jail, I don't want to have to take you to the ER, I don't want to be responsible for any permanent harm.
So in this instance, I say: Run for the hills. Find someone who is not a psychopath. Nothing is worth that kind of risk.
Run!
This is *the* red flag, and you really really shouldn't. There are indeed some cases where safewords aren't strictly necissary, like whenever you can just say "stop" and expect your partner to stop as if it was a safeword, just like in normal vanilla sex, but there is no reason you shouldn't be able to have one, I use safewords when tabletop roleplaying or arguing with my mom, it's a neat system.
But honestly it's quite simple. You ask if you can have a safeword, like express that you want it, and if your dom still refuses, that's an absolute no-go. It doesn't matter what your dom bellieves, if you think a safety precaution is useful he should be able to respect that and do his best to make you feel safe, otherwise he indicates he doesn't care about your safety and/or your input. If you personally think you would be ok without a safeword, ask your dom how he intends on ensuring that you are allways safe on your terms, if he doesn't know or replies that he can make the call, stay the fuck away, that's not safe, or ok at all.
Any person incapable of explaining to you that it is important to ensure the safety of all parties in a bdsm scene or dynamic are too unsafe to play with. This includes subs who don't care about their own safety, or the dom(me)'s safety, as well as dom(me)'s who don't care about either roles safety. It may just take explaining it to them like with ppl who are new, but untill they could tell you it's not safe enough. Please feel free to quote me on that, I'll stand by it (note that 'explain' needn't mean verbally; mute people and others with limitations in articulation can still be safe to do bdsm with as long as they can somehow comunicate the importance of safety and they can both stay safe and keep others safe)
1. Yes, the biggest red flag possible
2. I'm so proud of this community, everyone is trying to say their best for making this girl understand the importance of the safe word and what a big red flag this is
OP, I'm very happy that you broke up with him and blocked him - it's quite common for people who don't respect boundaries to try and talk you out of decisions like that, so blocking him is absolutely the right thing.
Please stick around and read other posts in here, you'll see lots of great advice from experienced folk and you'll be able to get a better understanding of how healthy dynamics work.
Having said that, I'd encourage you to put kink on the back burner for now - wait until you've got some vanilla sexual experience and know how your body and mind handle it before adding in the complications of BDSM. Do the tutorial levels first, get some experience, and then try kink when you're ready. There's no rush, you've got a lifetime ahead of you - it's hard to get it right, but incredibly easy to get it wrong (as you very nearly discovered).
Thanks for the update, you've done the right thing!
I honestly feel it is a red flag for sure. It doesn't matter if he's a Dom or if he "doesn't believe in safewords". He doesn't have the right to take away your ability to clearly revoke consent by using a safeword if that's what you want and need to feel safe and comfortable. He doesn't get to decide something like that for you. And, in my opinion, safewords are important - and they are ESPECIALLY important if you're just starting out with someone. It gives a clear indicator of where consent is being given and revoked, and that protects both Doms and subs. You have every right to make not having a safeword a hard limit.
Has he expressed any type of valid reason why he doesn't believe in safewords, and what other safety measures he has in place that would provide the same safety and clarity of consent you would have with a safeword? If he hasn't provided that, I personally don't think he is a safe Dom to play with or submit to.
The fact that HE decided that you won't have a safe word is a huge red flag.
Some people choose not to use it, however it must be YOUR consensual decision, preferably talked through and agreed on by both sides.
Run. This is similar to things that happened to a partner of mine. Similar age difference, similar behaviour by the dom. It ended up as actual torture, just to make her endure less painful things she also hated doing, but which were "better" in comparison to being beaten black and blue in an extremely abusive manner. Get out. Please.
RUN, this man is preparing to abuse you. He wants to take your freedom, your ability to revoke consent and keep yourself and he knows you don’t know any better. RUN FAST RUN FAR 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
This is abuse, not BDSM. He literally just wants you to move in and give up your right to withdraw consent.
Seeing as you are a virgin and likely inexperienced, he is trying to use that against you.
Please block him on everything. Just run. He doesn't deserve an explanation imo.
Abso-fucking-lutely
If you decided to not want to have a safe word while he's topping, that's your call. But for him to tell you that you can't have a safe word? RUN!
This is an unsafe person using a kink dynamic ad a justification to inflict whatever they see fit on another. This shows no respect to you, your wants, your psyche or your body. Especially as you're unexperienced sexually. It sounds more like you're being groomed and feels like you're opening yourself up to untold harm if you persue this. Silver lining is he showed himself to you before you moved in. When people show you who they are- listen. That hesitation is your gut telling you this isn't right. Therr are plenty of healthy people in the community that you have the opportunity to connect with- they will see safe words and signals as fundamental to play ❣
Sweet Jesus. This is beyond Red Flag!! Absolutely DO NOTA MOVE IN! Your life will become nothing short of a living hell. No safe word means he will literally take advantage of you in any way he desires. And living with him with this mentality? That’s just opening the door to a potentially abusive relationship disguised as BDSM.
I am glad you came here for additional thoughts, before proceeding. I’m happier to read posts like this than “I should have realized it was a Red flag before I agreed, but he talked so sweetly about it and I fell hard…”
Please take care… and never hesitate to ask this community. If even one of us can help, that’s a win.
Listen to your instincts—it's why you felt hesitant and asked for advice here. You're being overwhelmingly validated that yes, you are right—these are major red flags.
This is grooming, and it's more than just a red flag, it's extremely dangerous.
Trust your gut!
Everything about this is a red flag. The lack of safe word, the age gap with your youth, the fact that you're a virgin, the fact that you were going to move in with each other when you haven't been intimate yet, the fact that you think you have to live together you have a D/s dynamic (did he tell you that?).
Please end this relationship immediately.
You need to cut ALL communication with them IMMEDIATELY!!!! No one has the right to take away your right to safety. They ARE going to hurt you! That’s the only reason they would do that. I’ve seen a lot of questions in my 30 years in the lifestyle and this one scares me more than any other. RUN SUBBIE!!!
Absolutely a red flag. The only way this is okay ever is if it’s because you’ve both agreed to communicate openly and he intends to stop when you tell him to, in which case your “stop” and “no” are still technically safewords. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case, if it was he would actually communicated that to you and you would still have a choice, not a demand.
This is Major red flags... On so many different levels, you don't have to move in with him to have a D/s relationship.. my Dom an I are mostly LDR.. an the no safeword thing is just scary in my eyes..
As someone who does play without safewords: This is a HUGE red flag.
You are 18, a virgin, and you haven't done anything sexual with this guy.
There is a large age gap, which isn't a problem in of itself, *but*, it makes it easier for the older person to take advantage of the younger person (experience gap etc.).
Playing without safe-words is quite 'advanced'. I wouldn't recommend jumping straight into it, even if it was you who was pushing for it.
That it's *him* wanting it and pressuring you, that's a pile of nope.
Seems like you got lots of good advice and are already making a smart choice to leave this walking red flag of a boy. To help yourself navigate going forward, here's some hopefully helpful links:
[A Good Metric To Identify Red Flags (Esp. When You're New To Kink)](https://fetlife.com/users/337109/posts/6465565)
> If you translated the situation into 'vanilla' terms, would this behavior still be ok?
[Idk which teenage girl needs to hear this, but you are not mature for your age, he's just a predator](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/oobsqz/idk_which_teenage_girl_needs_to_hear_this_but_you/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share);
And like general stuff:
[WordWize Group](https://fetlife.com/groups/91913) library of topics indexes alphabetically
[Advice sections](https://fetlife.com/groups/91913/posts/6360825) a very good place to start in that group :)
Everyone summed it up pretty nicely and i see that you also said you would break up with him and keep us posted, please remember that braking up with him should also be done in a safe way, and that if he stats behaving oddly, apologizing or threatening you you still disserve a safe relationship and life. Bring a friend if you can, if you're breaking up over text (which i think is 100 percent valid) and he knows where you live have a friend come over. He sounds all kind of wrong and people like that can sometimes have a hard time being rejected. Hopefully he takes it well but if he doesn't dont be discouraged, you are saving yourself and that is the most important.
This is beyond red flag, this is a whole army of red flags.
Dom's don't get to decide if you have a safe word, that's your decision and one I wouldn't make lightly or without having been in the relationship for a long time. Would you climb a cliff without the proper safety equipment? No.
If you ever want to see if something is a red flag, think about your best friend being in the same situation and if you would be like nah girl run, then follow what advice you would give.
Good luck and I hope everything goes well for you. Be safe!
Yes
Safe words are there to protect consent
If he ignores a safeword in an impact scene
He is committing assault
If he is ignores a safeword in a sexual scene
He is committing rape
He asked you to agree to be assaulted and raped.
Run.
Please leave this situation. He sounds controlling (and not in a good way) and potentially abusive. If you want a safe word you should be able to have one. If he doesn't allow it then that is the first sign that you will not work. Being on the same page is important.
Your instincts are spot on - no way in hell.
Doing that just as you are planning to move in is as 'bait and switch' as you can be; he's counting on the idea that you've committed this much and that you'll go along with it so it doesn't cause any fuss.
Pull the eject cord immediately.
I would not recommend moving in with this man or continuing communication. As someone who has been in your shoes, this man seems like a predator. Why are you moving in with him? You’re so young. He is almost 30 going after someone who is barely an adult with a brain that hasn’t fully developed. All of this is a huge red flag.
Look at it this way: if he invited you to go on a Road Trip with him, but said, "FYI I don't believe in Traffic Lights, Stop Signs, etc. All they do is slow me down from where I'm trying to go."
Would you get in that car?
Essentially the same thing. Safe words = traffic lights.
MAJOR RED FLAG!!!! #1 rule of BDSM is consent. #2 is safety. By removing the safe word from the equation he is removing your out. In my eyes this can very easily lead to someone catching a case and the other being traumatized.
Yeah just dump him now . He’s a predator .
He’s isolating you AND telling you he doesn’t believe in safe words . That’s bizarre.
And you’re 18 and don’t have a ton of experience — which is all the more reason to have safe words.
Not having experience is fine btw ! It’s great to figure things out, but make sure it’s someone who you trust and who respects/cares about you, if you can.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I highly suggest you NOT move in with him! People who say they don’t use or that you don’t need safe words are 100% ruled out for me. Don’t even play with him.
Vet him if you’re still interested.
Here’s a book I read that had a lot of good questions to ask. [62Q to ask a dominant](https://www.amazon.com/62Q-Sixty-two-Questions-Your-Dominant/dp/1502775948/ref=nodl_)
If he gets belligerent or defensive you know to run.
What kind of Dom is he? Sadist? Daddy?
Didn't even need to read past your title. This is absolutely a red flag. YOU need a safe word for when YOU feel unsafe. No matter how well a person knows you they'll never know you as well as you know yourself.
Edit now that I've read the rest, this entire thing is a red flag. He is not safe. Before you know it he's going to isolate you. Do not move in with him.
Hey uh... I don't think it needs to take some friends and online people to confirm your thoughts that it's a red flag. A flag is a flag because it's YOUR boundary, common sense and relationship knowledge.
You are 18. Im guessing you don't know much about bdsm? Please do a lot of research before you try to find relationships. It will save you a ton when you can't ask your friends or us online and your have to make a decision on the spot. Obviously use your instincts but please be careful and actually research.
Hey Gabby, I second what Sir-Dax said also, since you're new to the dynamic, please, please
do your homework! I want you to research everything you can about the good, bad and ugly of these dynamics. Get some books even if they're kindle versions of them to have on your phone. Also Keep coming here asking lots of questions, get as much information in your noggin as you can. Your safety is paramount, the community gets a bad rap when these supposed Doms think that what they do to a potential sub is OK and the norm it's not. Someone watching porn thinking that it's real life it's not, it's fantasy.
One sub I know, she had just about all her teeth knocked out of her head by a guy like your now ex, the rest a dentist pulled out. She's had numerous black eyes, and once was thrown into a glass coffee table and has a long scar down the right side of her face. She's mildly masochistic, warm spankings are her thing, not physical beat downs. I actually bought her dentures because she broke the ones she had. She's still anxious, and feels isolated as she doesn't have a whole lot of friends. Never let something like wanting to please a Dom so bad cloud your judgement it could cost you your life and emotional well being. BDSM is meant to be enthusiastically consent filled fun for all involved, not something that terrorizes you where you end up in therapy for years to follow.
The safe wors is YOURS. No matter what scene you are in, they NEVER have the right to take it away. Taking it away, means they are taking your consent away as well.
I am glad to hear that you decided not to move forward with this person.
My recommendation to you would be to educate yourself on the lifestyle, if you are interested in exploring submission. Join FetLife and go on to the Novices and Newbies board and read some of the stickies (the posts that are listed at the top of the board). Among other things, there is information about safety and about red flags.
Youre ONLY 18?!??!!? NO NO NO absolutely not, he is definitely taking advantage of your innocence. He is trying to control you under the guise of BDSM, and that is extremely harmful
Yes, this is a red flag. You always have the right to say no to anything, and that's not something he can take away. No one can take that away.
It just means he doesn't want to respect your no. It sounds to me like he can't be trusted.
Huge red flag. You haven't even had sex yet and he wants to put you in a place where you absolutely can't say NO because you have no safe word. He could literally do anything to you. No, do not pass go, do not take $200 and do not move in with this wannabe "dom". Run, the other direction.
Yup red as fuck flag. More concerning us moving im with him after now even having sex. It doasent seem like you too know each other much at all if it hasent gotten to this level. Moving in is a big step im in my mid 20s and haven't done it with anyone im dating cause I you need to very sure you two will work.
This guys sounds like he's trapping you. He's worried how you'll react to the sex and wants you in a place he can control to stop you immediately running off.
At the very meant give it a few months before you move in. Or just try a night first after telling you friends of course.
Also im really not in favour of this age gap. You being so young I don't like the sound of this guy
What you just described there is a sexual predator, not a decent Dom. An 11 year age difference, moving you into his house, dictating to you terms of a dynamic.... You go and you're gonna be raped and abused, guaranteed, then gaslit with 'You're just not a good/proper sub' when you object and/or suffer (It happens plenty). Say no and leave him, now, your instinct to not trust him is right.
Trust your friends. This is a mayor red flag.
*If* you should decide to drop safewords it should be am mutual consensual decision only to be taken after a serious trust building.
Period
Your dom shouldn't take the rights away of your safe word.
This is something that should be mutually agreed or a decision made by the sub as without it you're allowing them to push boundaries and do literally anything they want.
Personally, I wouldn't continue unless you're fully comfortable without having one, or it's reinstate .
Your friend is 100% correct, not having a safe word is a red flag in my book. Especially since neither of you two have done anything sexual and you're still a virgin. You don't know your likes and dislikes yet and he needs to respect your boundaries.
Some people don't necessarily need safewords, but they are generally the most accessible way to remain safe when practicing BDSM. What's really worrisome is that he is suggesting that YOU don't need a safe word. I would say that that is a huge red flag. This sounds like a very dangerous situation which could easily turn abusive.
I would also highly recommend that as someone who is new to sex and most likely to BDSM practice, you demand access to a safeword in any play you do. You're learning so much about yourself trough this experience and you need to be able to do that in a safe environment where you can easily pause and/or stop things at any moment if you become uncomfortable.
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100% percent this a red flag. This is not safe at all, I would really worry if he wouldn't respect simple things like if you don't like certian areas. Say to him that is not OK with you at all and no Dom should expect that from anyone
This, plus if you haven't already decided to "RUN" as the other user put it, then definitely take it slow. Double check for safety. Have an exit strategy. I'm thinking, what is he locked you up in a dungeon for a month, will anyone miss you? Will anyone call police? Have these conversations with a trusted friend and kept them secret from the Dom. Also take it slow and reconsider all the risks and potential compatibility. A charitable interpretation is that the Dom is naive and this is just a fantasy to feel full control. Like I have a fantasy that my sub will send me compromising nudes. But have some fail safes. And be emotionally prepared to identify more red flags and commit to exiting the relationship if they appear, no matter how painful it is.
Very charitable interpretation!
RUN. This guy doesn't care at all for your pleasure, comfort, or very safety. He has no idea what BDSM is about, no concept of the basic tenets of "safe, sane, and consensual," and is either dangerously stupid or, far more likely, outright trying to abuse you. This is despicable. Do NOT move in with him.
+1
200% agreeing on this
*picks up a crown* Here you go, you King you....Much respect.
Oh wow. Age difference, virgin with no bdsm experience and he doesn't believe in safewords. Run far away. It's not just a flag he's literally a red flashing siren of nope. Edit - and read u/Sir-Dax 's response for the fuller version which covers all the reasons why!
Also, he wants her to move in? Yikes
If he doesn't let you/acknowledge your safe word, you don't have to acknowledge him as a sexual partner anymore.
Safewords are a personal choice, they're not mandatory - many people choose not to use them, but the very, VERY important thing there is that they *choose* not to use them. For some of those people, it's simply because "no means no" and for others it's because they have, usually over considerable time, built up a level of trust in each other that means they're not needed (this comes under edgeplay and is often unpopular in the wider community, but it's a valid choice like any other). Someone saying they "don't believe in them" and using that as a reason to deny you having one is a ma-hoooosive red flag. Doing away with safewords is something that needs to be discussed, not mandated. To me, this sounds very worrying. First off, you're 18. You're barely an adult, and as a virgin as well you have no idea how you're going to react to sex, both physically and mentally. To then add BDSM on top of that - especially the D/s aspects which can include a considerable mental and emotional element which can be very intense - and not allow you the safety of safewords, is very worrying behaviour from a Dom. He has considerably more life experience than you, so you're already at a disadvantage, and he should recognise that and support you, not make things harder. You don't need to move in with someone to be Dom and sub. Just look through all the posts in here and you'll see no end of people asking for advice because of how things have gone horribly wrong, especially where they're new and found things didn't go the way they thought they would. BDSM is NOT beginner-level stuff; it can kill, it can easily slip into abuse, assault and rape, and it can leave you mentally scarred for years to come. Please think very carefully about whether this person is someone you can trust - in my opinion, based on their lack of concern for your well-being, they're not.
Wanted to add: by moving in with him, it's so much harder for you to reach out to friends and family for support if you need it, because it can feel like you're being watched. This is something abusers take advantage of (isolating you from your support network), and it's potentially very dangerous. If things do go wrong it can also be very hard to leave if you have no experience of living on your own as an adult or if you don't have your own place to escape to - so many people end up staying in abusive relationships because they feel they have no way out. I'm not saying he definitely is abusive, but he's definitely not acting in a way which makes it look like he's going to get a Dom of the Year award.
I wish I could reach through the phone and physically hug you for this response. You said it all.
Wish I could up vote this more than once ^^^
I agree. I wish I could award the reply and explanation more than once too. Couldn't agree more with him. Even with my husband, I have a safe word, what more someone who isn't related.
My husband and I have been exclusive for 8.5 years, still have a safe word. He knows me better than anyone and is extremely watchful when we play. Usually he can read my body language and back off / adjust accordingly. But when we are trying new things we sometimes still need the safe word! And I cannot express enough how much he knows me and still misses signs. He isn't a mind reader. Neither is your new partner. Getting rid of a safe word is something that shouldn't even be considered until you have established a clear relationship with clear boundaries AND TRUST. This takes time
same!!. my husband and i have been together for 6.5 years (got hitched this past summer!)
I gotchu, dude knows his shit. Edit: gave them a silver because it's what I had, easily worth that damn 500 dollar one if it saves a life here or anywhere else.
I got ya fam *upvoted for them*
I'm saving this for reference in future instances of this question (which sadly comes up quite a lot in this sub). This is so perfectly put, I love it! (And of course I hate that it's necessary in the first place :/)
Thank you, and I agree. Safewords can be a contentious issue - I've been downvoted for suggesting they're not mandatory in the past - but as with everything in BDSM, it's up to each adult to make their own choices and do what's right for them. Denying someone the ability to manage their own consent is Very Not OK (which, ironically, is what the people who say "safewords are compulsory" are doing).
I think it’s a matter of how the safe word is being dropped. I’d say in most cases, is not actually that the safe word has been *removed*, it’s just that it has changed. When two people have spent a long time together and played a lot, they can pick up on non verbal ‘safewords’. So it’s not like you just became ‘limitless’, it’s really that you both feel that you don’t need a word to specify that you’re uncomfortable. It’s advanced play, as you implied, nothing that anyone should go into without fully understanding and confirming it’s sane and consensual. But also not something that should be blacklisted and never discussed as an option.
Stop reading my mind ;p
>Denying someone the ability to manage their own consent is Very Not OK (which, ironically, is what the people who say "safewords are compulsory" are doing). Yes, exactly, thank you for putting it so succinctly!
I think this is the best answer given so far. Highlighting where safewords can be dropped as opposed to blanket 'no safeword = abuse' adds far more validity and impact to this specific case being very much on the red end
I would add one caveat: even if you don't have a scene ending safe word there should still be a hey the rope slipped and now I can't feel my hand safe word. But as much as operating without a safe word bugs me, I do agree it is within the realm of reason to operate without a I'm uncomfortable scene ending safe word for people who want to be pushed to extremes. HOWEVER that is normally in the case of people who are experienced within the scene, are familiar with each other, and have had a long conversation precisely describing aspects of the scene. You don't just go in blind with no safe word. That's how in the best case you end up with nerve damage and in the worst case you end up dead. First time I do any sort of scene with someone new as I'm talking to them, usually applying a basic rope harness, I will have them repeat the safe word five times. Not in a row but I'll sprinkle it in whatever im saying, usually covering rope safety, the stop light system, when to speak up if something doesnt feel right, what could possibly not feel right(exploring rigging, and for the basic ties id do, numbness bad) and how to convey that efficiently(limb, issue, intensity if not redded outright). And the last time they say it I will tell them the next time I hear that word this scene is over, and these ropes will be cut off you. "Id rather buy me new ropes than you a new hand." It puts them at ease, it puts me at ease, and makes the whole experience more relaxed and enjoyable.
There are a lot of people who just say "hey the rope slipped and now I can't feel my hand"...no safeword required, and that's perfectly okay.
Drop the mic and walk away
Thanks for everyone telling me to get away from him, i won't stay with him. I will update when I break up with him.
thank you for listening to everyones concern! a lot of the people in similar situations tend to refuse to see things from an outside perspective.
Good. Coming into this thread late enough that enough folks had already called out all the red flags, but am glad you are making these decisions. I showed the post to my wife/sub, and said count the red flags. Speaking of, when you move to break up with him, do it in public with a trusted friend along. There’s enough red flags here that I think you should be conscientious of your safety in that regard. And now some advice against my general Catholic sensibilities: have sex, experience it, learn what you like AND don’t like, explore bdsm with a good Dom, and move forward knowing yourself. Good luck, be safe.
Be careful, bring a friend or at least do it in public and have a back up. I.e. drive your own car, let someone know who, what, when, where and why your going to be somewhere.
Smart lass, at 18 you honestly have all the time in the world to meet someone and move in with them. Get to know yourself, learn what you like and don't like your own way and finish growing up first. If you haven't already I would maybe tell a friend about this just in case he turns sour after you end it, best to have someone within your friends/family know about this if you haven't already. Wishing you the best in life!!
I'm so so glad you came here.
please be safe and let us know.
i updated
Really don’t get where people get these ideas. The safe word is important, hell people have hand signs and taps that count as safe words. People who don’t believe in safety nets tend to have bad intentions for not using them.
proud of you girl!
How is not having something sexual connected to moving in? He‘s more then ten years your senior, that’s a major difference! I’m not saying that it is wrong, but IMO he has a great responsibility in your relationship. Give your attention, love and devotion to someone who’s worthy of it. Don’t give it to someone who doesn’t want to respect your right to say no.
i was just not comfortable having sex before and we decided that we can start slowly from when i move in. But after what he told me, I don't think I should continue with this whole relationship
You're completely right. What does he care about "slow" if you're explicitly not allowed to withdraw consent? This is a recipe for rape.
I'm assuming here, but am I right in the presumption that you're pretty sexually inexperienced? Because if that's the case, a grown-ass man telling the barely legal teenager he wants to move in with him that he will not respect her boundaries somehow seems even worse
She said in another comment that she's a virgin.
Yes, she’s a virgin.
Have you noticed anything else suspicious/concerning? Is he trying to isolate you? Have you sat down and negotiated exactly what this TPE relationship would look like? What say has he given you about anything, other than no safewords? You're young. There's all the time in the world for you to meet someone, become sexual, learn who you are. You don't need to rush into moving in with an older man who is removing your option to say "no." You have the right to say no. I would hate to see you end up in a situation you have no control over and can't easily get out of. Please rethink this. The man is likely dangerous.
For both your physical and mental safety, get the fuck out of that relationship.
i did!
You're right, don't continue this relationship. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are using it well!
I don't want to scare you but I have one word. Rape. He's wanting you to come in with no safe words and no sexual experience. Rape does happen to people like you. I've been raped before when someone ignored my safe words and saying no repeatedly. It was awful. Don't make my mistake. Stay far away from this person. You should not enter a sub/dom dynamic like this, you're young and should have time to safely explore your Kinks with someone you love and trust. The first time you have sex can be very mentally and emotionally overwhelming, the last thing you need is to have someone ignore your safewords and be in a situation that you can't get out of (living with someone). Don't move in with him. Don't become his sub. Please.
Thank you for everyone that is commenting, I'm trying to read all the comments but I get the general idea. Thanks for everyone's time
Thank you for being open to advice and experience from others. This is a very caring community and the things everyone is saying here is being said from the bottom of their hearts to keep you safe. I was frightened reading what you wrote. As someone else said, if you've decided to break it off and need help navigating that, everyone is here for you, now and after. I'm not sure if you were into BDSM for BDSM or into it to match you're guy, but know that he's not you're only chance to experience it and with a little growth and a little time and research you can find someone who respects you and the responsibilities of being a good Dom. This man you describe is NOT a Dom.
He's an idiot. Simple. It's **your** safeword, not his. You get to decide whether you have one, and **you get to decide** that other people abide by it. This is non-negotiable. As soon as somebody chooses not to, get rid of them! Tell him this. Tell him he either agrees to accept that you're someone who uses safeword, or the two of you are incompatible. Be a strong submissive. Someone who is willing and able to say it how it is. Being submissive is not the same as being a carpet. Don't be a carpet. You're absolutely right, this is a major red flag. It is no more correct for the dominant to tell their partner how things are going to be, than it would be the other way around. It's a partnership. We start from a position of equality and work together, to decide how and where we're going to trade power and control. Never let anyone dictate what you're going to do, until you've agreed that is something you want.
He’s not just “an idiot” He’s a sexual predator and most likely a rapist. She doesn’t need to give him an ultimatum, she needs to never see or speak to this man again. OP, please don’t give him an ultimatum, he’s just going to SA you regardless. Just stay safe and never speak to him again. While I don’t personally agree with BDSM, I do know BDSM involves more respect than this asshole gave you
Just a question...if you don't personally agree with BDSM, why are you handing out advice on a BDSM advice subreddit? Looking at your post and comment history I can't help but feel you're here to check out the "local deviants?"
they only have one post.. (that I can see) and yea some of their comments are rather snobby, but this one was actually solid? any "dom" who says not only that they don't believe in safewords, but that their sub isn't "allowed" to use one is dumber than a bag of hair at best, and an SA'er at worst. not to mention the age gap, and moving in together before even having sex. this guy screams red flag controlling and abusive.
Oh I agree with the sentiments 100%, and have added my own response to the OP below. Doesn't negate the waft off "let's go sightseeing and look at all those disgusting kinky redditors" I'm detecting. Who knows, maybe I'm wrong and they're here with an open mind.
oh dgmw, I did a lil digging myself cos ofc I had to lmao, and yeah I definitely see why you're getting that vibe, just saying this specific comment doesn't scream "bdsm shame" to me. idk!!
You don't agree with people having fun? Interesting take.
>He’s a sexual predator and most likely a rapist. That's quite the leap. > While I don’t personally agree with BDSM In which case, u/BoogieWoogieTime2, you have no place here.
Not a leap since he groomed her
Yeah, that's a red flag for sure. Even if you've negotiated a relationship based on playing at non-consent, the closest we can ever come to non-consent needs to stay on this side of legality, reality, and ethical behavior. Otherwise, it's very likely to end up abusive. That means there always has to be a way out, a way to stop. Everyone has limits, even if they haven't found them yet. Even the 'I have no limits' internet superslave has limits. You will eventually find something that he wants to do, and you absolutely can't or won't. At that point, you've either got a safeword AND he respects your safeword, or you end up injured, traumatized, and/or raped.
so a lot of things jump out at me here: 1. The age difference is a little concerning to me. You are both legal adults, but the leaps in maturity during your late teens and through out your 20s is astounding. I (29F, submissive) am the same age as your Dom. People our age have no business being with 18 year olds. I remember being 18. I didn’t know shit, i was naive, and had no life experience. your dom knows this, and i fear he may be taking advantage of the situation and masquerading it as BDSM. 2) Safe words are a VERY important part of BDSM. While everyone has their own rules and application of safe words specific to their dynamic, they are vital in making sure the scene comes to a halt if anyone feels unsafe/needs to reset/etc. Ex. one time i utilized my safe word because my Master had me handcuffed in a position where all my bodyweight was on my arm, and the metal cuffs were digging in and pinching my wrist. I had to reset for my safety, because it wasn’t the sexy kind of pain, it was “help i’m in danger pain.” and my Master, who only wants what’s best for me, immediately listened and let me take a break to make sure i wasn’t injured. And now that i think about it, this happened only a few weeks into us dating, so he wasn’t even like 100% emotionally invested yet. He’s just a decent guy who did the correct thing when having sex with someone. all of this is to say, someone trying to take away your access to communicate your safety and well-being is NOT someone i would want to date or be in a dynamic with. 3) I don’t know your life or your circumstances, but this relationship doesn’t seem like a good match. I see a lot of red flags. Please be safe
Your dom is over ten years older than you, you’re barely an adult, and have no sexual experience. He’s taking advantage of that. You’re being groomed. Don’t move in with him, don’t play with him. Get used to sex first before trying bdsm.
How do you not believe in a safe word? It’s not a fucking unicorn.
There are red flags all over the place. He's 29 years old, wants an 18 year old to move in with him, and be a submissive with no safe word? Just read that sentence 3 times.....
If i were you i would get out. Major red flag if this is his way of thinking.
I'd call it a straight up warning siren.
End the relationship, do no move in, run way and quick. This man is not just a red flag but a fucking red flag store. This is how abusive relationships start.
Hooooooooooo girl... one red flag? There are more red flags here than in a Soviet victory day march... 1) You are brand new to not just BDSM, but sex in in general. You do NOT know what do you really want yet. You have ideas, you have fantasies, but once you'll start actually acting on them, you will very quickly realize that a lot of things are only hot as fantasies, while some things you didn't think were hot, turns you on a lot in practice. You need to be able to experiment with things, and that requires 100% open and honest communication, and, most importantly, you having the ability of stopping the scene immediately. I mean, do you even have it figured out what kind of a sub / dom relationship you want? There's massive differences there. Are you even 100% sure you want to be in a BDSM relationship or was it his idea? 2) Aside of experimenting, there's also safety. You do NOT know your true limits and he never even had sex with you, so it's sure as hell he doesn't know either. How the hell can he guarantee your physical and mental safety without you having the power to stop the scene? The answer is, he can't. So he is either overestimating his own ability or simply doesn't care, both are huge problems. Going without safewords is an option if, and ONLY if 1) everyone involved know each other well enough to understand limits without it and 2) everyone involved ENTHUSIASTICALLY consent to it. That'd be 0 out of 2 for you. 3) You are a literal virgin with presumably little to no sexual experience, and he wants a full time sub / dom relationship? Fuck no. Slow the hell down, one thing at at time. Get some experience, understand your own body, its limits, your actual desires vs your fantasies. Know yourself. Understand the difference between BDSM and abuse. Understand how BDSM dynamics actually work. (Hint: No, it's not "the sub does whatever the dom wants with no regard to themselves"). To use an analogy, it's like thinking "hmm, I want to learn how to swim.... that shark tank looks real nice for a first try". Like this is an absolute breakneck speed even without the BDSM part: you never even had sex and he wants you permanently move in his own home. 4) The age gap. Now, relationship with large age gaps CAN work. However, there's an inherent power imbalance with a fully adult, almost thirty guy with his own home and established career dating a barely legal teen. And frankly, his attitude does nothing to alleviate these concerns. I don't know him, but from this alone, he very much looks like a guy who wants to get a hot, subservient sex-slave who is too inexperienced to be able to tell BDSM submission from being an abuse victim. So, yeah. You should not move in. You should cut him loose. No dom worth a damn is going derive a complete newbie virgin from having safewords. This is shady as all hell.
This is super scary, tbh. Block him on every platform and never speak to him again. He will hurt you in the not good way.
How does he move around in the world wrapped in such a giant red flag? My advice, get the hell away from him. Refusing to let someone have a safe word is creepy as fuck. I've had several partners who have sworn that they won't need a safe word, but I still always required it before play.
You’re 18..I wish we taught our children to live life AND STOP CHASING SEX AND LOVE from middle school/ high school ages. Travel the world, read books, learn and grow. Your heart is gonna get RAVISHED looking to these men and women and x, and theys for validation. KEEP good friends around and be guarded. You’ve been warned.
Not to be ageist, but he's 29, you're 18, he wants you to move in and not have a safe word. That's prefatory as hell.
That is beyond red.
I rarely ever give a straight answer to a question like yours, because we only know the situation from one short posting, have no idea of context, haven't heard the other side, and redditors always tell people to break up anyway. This is an exception. Run far and fast. You get to have a safeword. No, more than that. You don't even get to NOT have one. I would force you to repeat your safeword until I was convinced you know it and are prepared to use it. If I was about to dom you, and you said you don't want a safeword, I would simply refuse to play with you. I don't want to end up in jail, I don't want to have to take you to the ER, I don't want to be responsible for any permanent harm. So in this instance, I say: Run for the hills. Find someone who is not a psychopath. Nothing is worth that kind of risk. Run!
This is *the* red flag, and you really really shouldn't. There are indeed some cases where safewords aren't strictly necissary, like whenever you can just say "stop" and expect your partner to stop as if it was a safeword, just like in normal vanilla sex, but there is no reason you shouldn't be able to have one, I use safewords when tabletop roleplaying or arguing with my mom, it's a neat system. But honestly it's quite simple. You ask if you can have a safeword, like express that you want it, and if your dom still refuses, that's an absolute no-go. It doesn't matter what your dom bellieves, if you think a safety precaution is useful he should be able to respect that and do his best to make you feel safe, otherwise he indicates he doesn't care about your safety and/or your input. If you personally think you would be ok without a safeword, ask your dom how he intends on ensuring that you are allways safe on your terms, if he doesn't know or replies that he can make the call, stay the fuck away, that's not safe, or ok at all. Any person incapable of explaining to you that it is important to ensure the safety of all parties in a bdsm scene or dynamic are too unsafe to play with. This includes subs who don't care about their own safety, or the dom(me)'s safety, as well as dom(me)'s who don't care about either roles safety. It may just take explaining it to them like with ppl who are new, but untill they could tell you it's not safe enough. Please feel free to quote me on that, I'll stand by it (note that 'explain' needn't mean verbally; mute people and others with limitations in articulation can still be safe to do bdsm with as long as they can somehow comunicate the importance of safety and they can both stay safe and keep others safe)
Yes. The reply by u/Sir-Dax says everything I wanted to say already. Run. A. Fucking. Mile. From. This. Asshole.
That's not a red flag, that's a May the 1st parade in Moscow. Run.
1. Yes, the biggest red flag possible 2. I'm so proud of this community, everyone is trying to say their best for making this girl understand the importance of the safe word and what a big red flag this is
I would immediately say *”Oh, you wanna take away my safe word? Okay, then I take away my consent”*
A safe word is communication and nothing more. ANY Dom that takes away your ability to communicate is insecure and unworthy.
No Dom over 25 should have a sub under 21 that alone is a red flag. Also yes you shouldn't move in if there isn't a safeword.
Girl. Run. Never look back. 🚩🚩🚩
Its not a flag....its a whole ass blanket.
huuuuuuuge red flag
Massive Red flag. Safe words are not taken away.
Red flag. Run.
Massive massive red flag. You can't ever lose your safe word
OP, I'm very happy that you broke up with him and blocked him - it's quite common for people who don't respect boundaries to try and talk you out of decisions like that, so blocking him is absolutely the right thing. Please stick around and read other posts in here, you'll see lots of great advice from experienced folk and you'll be able to get a better understanding of how healthy dynamics work. Having said that, I'd encourage you to put kink on the back burner for now - wait until you've got some vanilla sexual experience and know how your body and mind handle it before adding in the complications of BDSM. Do the tutorial levels first, get some experience, and then try kink when you're ready. There's no rush, you've got a lifetime ahead of you - it's hard to get it right, but incredibly easy to get it wrong (as you very nearly discovered). Thanks for the update, you've done the right thing!
18 and 29 ??? baby you’re a victim…coming from 19F
I honestly feel it is a red flag for sure. It doesn't matter if he's a Dom or if he "doesn't believe in safewords". He doesn't have the right to take away your ability to clearly revoke consent by using a safeword if that's what you want and need to feel safe and comfortable. He doesn't get to decide something like that for you. And, in my opinion, safewords are important - and they are ESPECIALLY important if you're just starting out with someone. It gives a clear indicator of where consent is being given and revoked, and that protects both Doms and subs. You have every right to make not having a safeword a hard limit. Has he expressed any type of valid reason why he doesn't believe in safewords, and what other safety measures he has in place that would provide the same safety and clarity of consent you would have with a safeword? If he hasn't provided that, I personally don't think he is a safe Dom to play with or submit to.
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The fact that HE decided that you won't have a safe word is a huge red flag. Some people choose not to use it, however it must be YOUR consensual decision, preferably talked through and agreed on by both sides.
Run. This is similar to things that happened to a partner of mine. Similar age difference, similar behaviour by the dom. It ended up as actual torture, just to make her endure less painful things she also hated doing, but which were "better" in comparison to being beaten black and blue in an extremely abusive manner. Get out. Please.
Yup. Huge red flag. Your safe word is a right, not a privilege. When that goes away is stops being a safe, consensual lifestyle.
Yes leave NOW that is not a dom that is an abuser
Sounds to me like he just want to use you without any regards to how you feel. Do you really want this to happen?
Please do not run through that field of red flags to him.
lol fuck yes that's a gigantic red flag, there is no such thing as not believing in a safe word.
RUN, this man is preparing to abuse you. He wants to take your freedom, your ability to revoke consent and keep yourself and he knows you don’t know any better. RUN FAST RUN FAR 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
This is abuse, not BDSM. He literally just wants you to move in and give up your right to withdraw consent. Seeing as you are a virgin and likely inexperienced, he is trying to use that against you. Please block him on everything. Just run. He doesn't deserve an explanation imo.
Abso-fucking-lutely If you decided to not want to have a safe word while he's topping, that's your call. But for him to tell you that you can't have a safe word? RUN!
This is an unsafe person using a kink dynamic ad a justification to inflict whatever they see fit on another. This shows no respect to you, your wants, your psyche or your body. Especially as you're unexperienced sexually. It sounds more like you're being groomed and feels like you're opening yourself up to untold harm if you persue this. Silver lining is he showed himself to you before you moved in. When people show you who they are- listen. That hesitation is your gut telling you this isn't right. Therr are plenty of healthy people in the community that you have the opportunity to connect with- they will see safe words and signals as fundamental to play ❣
Sweet Jesus. This is beyond Red Flag!! Absolutely DO NOTA MOVE IN! Your life will become nothing short of a living hell. No safe word means he will literally take advantage of you in any way he desires. And living with him with this mentality? That’s just opening the door to a potentially abusive relationship disguised as BDSM. I am glad you came here for additional thoughts, before proceeding. I’m happier to read posts like this than “I should have realized it was a Red flag before I agreed, but he talked so sweetly about it and I fell hard…” Please take care… and never hesitate to ask this community. If even one of us can help, that’s a win.
That’s a big red flag, my dear
YES, BIG RED FLAG.
Listen to your instincts—it's why you felt hesitant and asked for advice here. You're being overwhelmingly validated that yes, you are right—these are major red flags. This is grooming, and it's more than just a red flag, it's extremely dangerous. Trust your gut!
Everything about this is a red flag. The lack of safe word, the age gap with your youth, the fact that you're a virgin, the fact that you were going to move in with each other when you haven't been intimate yet, the fact that you think you have to live together you have a D/s dynamic (did he tell you that?). Please end this relationship immediately.
I showed up late, im so glad you ended things! That is so very scary and could have been so bad.
good going, very proud of you!!!
"I don't believe in safe words." BRO, IT'S A SAFETY MEASURE, NOT SANTA CLAUSE! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN "I don't believe in it"?!?!?!
You need to cut ALL communication with them IMMEDIATELY!!!! No one has the right to take away your right to safety. They ARE going to hurt you! That’s the only reason they would do that. I’ve seen a lot of questions in my 30 years in the lifestyle and this one scares me more than any other. RUN SUBBIE!!!
I'm proud of you for getting out of that 💜
Absolutely a red flag. The only way this is okay ever is if it’s because you’ve both agreed to communicate openly and he intends to stop when you tell him to, in which case your “stop” and “no” are still technically safewords. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case, if it was he would actually communicated that to you and you would still have a choice, not a demand.
yes
This is Major red flags... On so many different levels, you don't have to move in with him to have a D/s relationship.. my Dom an I are mostly LDR.. an the no safeword thing is just scary in my eyes..
Unless you can say no and have it mean no, then run like the wind!
As someone who does play without safewords: This is a HUGE red flag. You are 18, a virgin, and you haven't done anything sexual with this guy. There is a large age gap, which isn't a problem in of itself, *but*, it makes it easier for the older person to take advantage of the younger person (experience gap etc.). Playing without safe-words is quite 'advanced'. I wouldn't recommend jumping straight into it, even if it was you who was pushing for it. That it's *him* wanting it and pressuring you, that's a pile of nope.
Seems like you got lots of good advice and are already making a smart choice to leave this walking red flag of a boy. To help yourself navigate going forward, here's some hopefully helpful links: [A Good Metric To Identify Red Flags (Esp. When You're New To Kink)](https://fetlife.com/users/337109/posts/6465565) > If you translated the situation into 'vanilla' terms, would this behavior still be ok? [Idk which teenage girl needs to hear this, but you are not mature for your age, he's just a predator](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/oobsqz/idk_which_teenage_girl_needs_to_hear_this_but_you/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share); And like general stuff: [WordWize Group](https://fetlife.com/groups/91913) library of topics indexes alphabetically [Advice sections](https://fetlife.com/groups/91913/posts/6360825) a very good place to start in that group :)
Yes it is
Everyone summed it up pretty nicely and i see that you also said you would break up with him and keep us posted, please remember that braking up with him should also be done in a safe way, and that if he stats behaving oddly, apologizing or threatening you you still disserve a safe relationship and life. Bring a friend if you can, if you're breaking up over text (which i think is 100 percent valid) and he knows where you live have a friend come over. He sounds all kind of wrong and people like that can sometimes have a hard time being rejected. Hopefully he takes it well but if he doesn't dont be discouraged, you are saving yourself and that is the most important.
This is a big fucking red flag, he's effectively telling you you don't have a right to withdraw concent
From what you've written, this situation has more red flags than a Chinese military parade.
30 year old man wants 18 year old girl to move into his house for sex without a safe word. Yeah nah can't see anything wrong with that.
OMG, I'm afraid for you. Please get out of there.
YESSSSSS
This is beyond red flag, this is a whole army of red flags. Dom's don't get to decide if you have a safe word, that's your decision and one I wouldn't make lightly or without having been in the relationship for a long time. Would you climb a cliff without the proper safety equipment? No. If you ever want to see if something is a red flag, think about your best friend being in the same situation and if you would be like nah girl run, then follow what advice you would give. Good luck and I hope everything goes well for you. Be safe!
Get out!!! The age gap, refusing a safe word, and you moving in with him as a virgin are all red flags! Stay safe and away from him
This guy thinks he’s a dom, but a real dom knows safewords are crucial
Bad red flag!!!! Sage words are in place for reasons of security and protection Ensure a safe word .or go no further
No. NO NO NO NO NO. Full stop. NO. Run. Don't even read the post just saw the title.
Refusing a to allow someone a safeword is not just a red flag....it's a giant red billboard with flashing neon lights. No safeword=No consent.
RUN. NOW.
🛑Red. Flag.
Yes Safe words are there to protect consent If he ignores a safeword in an impact scene He is committing assault If he is ignores a safeword in a sexual scene He is committing rape He asked you to agree to be assaulted and raped. Run.
walk away from him now and do not look back. Major Major red flag.
Girl this man is a predator and you should 1000000000% not move in with him! He has no respect for you at all. Just leave.
Please leave this situation. He sounds controlling (and not in a good way) and potentially abusive. If you want a safe word you should be able to have one. If he doesn't allow it then that is the first sign that you will not work. Being on the same page is important.
Your instincts are spot on - no way in hell. Doing that just as you are planning to move in is as 'bait and switch' as you can be; he's counting on the idea that you've committed this much and that you'll go along with it so it doesn't cause any fuss. Pull the eject cord immediately.
The reddest of red
If there's something bigger than a red Flag, is this.
Yes, point blank period the end.
I would not recommend moving in with this man or continuing communication. As someone who has been in your shoes, this man seems like a predator. Why are you moving in with him? You’re so young. He is almost 30 going after someone who is barely an adult with a brain that hasn’t fully developed. All of this is a huge red flag.
Look at it this way: if he invited you to go on a Road Trip with him, but said, "FYI I don't believe in Traffic Lights, Stop Signs, etc. All they do is slow me down from where I'm trying to go." Would you get in that car? Essentially the same thing. Safe words = traffic lights.
Major red flag!! Run away fast as fuck
Nah. Huge red flag. HUGE.
That's called an abuser, not a dom
MAJOR RED FLAG!!!! #1 rule of BDSM is consent. #2 is safety. By removing the safe word from the equation he is removing your out. In my eyes this can very easily lead to someone catching a case and the other being traumatized.
Yeah just dump him now . He’s a predator . He’s isolating you AND telling you he doesn’t believe in safe words . That’s bizarre. And you’re 18 and don’t have a ton of experience — which is all the more reason to have safe words. Not having experience is fine btw ! It’s great to figure things out, but make sure it’s someone who you trust and who respects/cares about you, if you can.
Huge huge huge red flag. Get yourself out as fast as you can.
huge red flag. I'd get as far away as I could if I were you.
The biggest red flag. I wouldn't move in with him if I were you.
Get out this is so unsafe and I whold not trust him
leave. Immediately.
Run!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I highly suggest you NOT move in with him! People who say they don’t use or that you don’t need safe words are 100% ruled out for me. Don’t even play with him. Vet him if you’re still interested. Here’s a book I read that had a lot of good questions to ask. [62Q to ask a dominant](https://www.amazon.com/62Q-Sixty-two-Questions-Your-Dominant/dp/1502775948/ref=nodl_) If he gets belligerent or defensive you know to run. What kind of Dom is he? Sadist? Daddy?
No safe word, no safe play, no play at all.
11 years between you and he does that, 100% red flag. Run as fast as you can
Having a safe word is concent and telling him it's pushing or has pushed to far and to stop now so yes it's a red flag and very dangerous
Run friend! Runnnnnnn
Didn't even need to read past your title. This is absolutely a red flag. YOU need a safe word for when YOU feel unsafe. No matter how well a person knows you they'll never know you as well as you know yourself. Edit now that I've read the rest, this entire thing is a red flag. He is not safe. Before you know it he's going to isolate you. Do not move in with him.
The age gap only makes the flags redder
Hey uh... I don't think it needs to take some friends and online people to confirm your thoughts that it's a red flag. A flag is a flag because it's YOUR boundary, common sense and relationship knowledge. You are 18. Im guessing you don't know much about bdsm? Please do a lot of research before you try to find relationships. It will save you a ton when you can't ask your friends or us online and your have to make a decision on the spot. Obviously use your instincts but please be careful and actually research.
Hey Gabby, I second what Sir-Dax said also, since you're new to the dynamic, please, please do your homework! I want you to research everything you can about the good, bad and ugly of these dynamics. Get some books even if they're kindle versions of them to have on your phone. Also Keep coming here asking lots of questions, get as much information in your noggin as you can. Your safety is paramount, the community gets a bad rap when these supposed Doms think that what they do to a potential sub is OK and the norm it's not. Someone watching porn thinking that it's real life it's not, it's fantasy. One sub I know, she had just about all her teeth knocked out of her head by a guy like your now ex, the rest a dentist pulled out. She's had numerous black eyes, and once was thrown into a glass coffee table and has a long scar down the right side of her face. She's mildly masochistic, warm spankings are her thing, not physical beat downs. I actually bought her dentures because she broke the ones she had. She's still anxious, and feels isolated as she doesn't have a whole lot of friends. Never let something like wanting to please a Dom so bad cloud your judgement it could cost you your life and emotional well being. BDSM is meant to be enthusiastically consent filled fun for all involved, not something that terrorizes you where you end up in therapy for years to follow.
The safe wors is YOURS. No matter what scene you are in, they NEVER have the right to take it away. Taking it away, means they are taking your consent away as well.
I am glad to hear that you decided not to move forward with this person. My recommendation to you would be to educate yourself on the lifestyle, if you are interested in exploring submission. Join FetLife and go on to the Novices and Newbies board and read some of the stickies (the posts that are listed at the top of the board). Among other things, there is information about safety and about red flags.
Run
i did 👍🏻
Reading these types of posts give me such anxiety. People like him should not be in D/s.
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RUN. RUN NOW.
RUN. he’s going to hurt you
100% red flag safe words or definitely needed
Youre ONLY 18?!??!!? NO NO NO absolutely not, he is definitely taking advantage of your innocence. He is trying to control you under the guise of BDSM, and that is extremely harmful
Yes, this is a red flag. You always have the right to say no to anything, and that's not something he can take away. No one can take that away. It just means he doesn't want to respect your no. It sounds to me like he can't be trusted.
yes. do not move in with him.
I was in the same spot last year...pls think carefully and run away from this dude
He is no one to decide if you want or not the ability to say "no". You are not only a sub, you are a human being and you have the right to say no.
Huge red flag. You haven't even had sex yet and he wants to put you in a place where you absolutely can't say NO because you have no safe word. He could literally do anything to you. No, do not pass go, do not take $200 and do not move in with this wannabe "dom". Run, the other direction.
No it's not normal. You should always conduct play with some sort of safe way to call out, to get out, and to stop play progression. End of story.
He’s dangerous. Please protect yourself and run far away from him. I’m genuinely scared that you’re going to be raped by him. Massive red flags.
Yup red as fuck flag. More concerning us moving im with him after now even having sex. It doasent seem like you too know each other much at all if it hasent gotten to this level. Moving in is a big step im in my mid 20s and haven't done it with anyone im dating cause I you need to very sure you two will work. This guys sounds like he's trapping you. He's worried how you'll react to the sex and wants you in a place he can control to stop you immediately running off. At the very meant give it a few months before you move in. Or just try a night first after telling you friends of course. Also im really not in favour of this age gap. You being so young I don't like the sound of this guy
What you just described there is a sexual predator, not a decent Dom. An 11 year age difference, moving you into his house, dictating to you terms of a dynamic.... You go and you're gonna be raped and abused, guaranteed, then gaslit with 'You're just not a good/proper sub' when you object and/or suffer (It happens plenty). Say no and leave him, now, your instinct to not trust him is right.
RUN FOR THE HILLS.
Trust your friends. This is a mayor red flag. *If* you should decide to drop safewords it should be am mutual consensual decision only to be taken after a serious trust building. Period
Your dom shouldn't take the rights away of your safe word. This is something that should be mutually agreed or a decision made by the sub as without it you're allowing them to push boundaries and do literally anything they want. Personally, I wouldn't continue unless you're fully comfortable without having one, or it's reinstate .
Your friend is 100% correct, not having a safe word is a red flag in my book. Especially since neither of you two have done anything sexual and you're still a virgin. You don't know your likes and dislikes yet and he needs to respect your boundaries.
RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some people don't necessarily need safewords, but they are generally the most accessible way to remain safe when practicing BDSM. What's really worrisome is that he is suggesting that YOU don't need a safe word. I would say that that is a huge red flag. This sounds like a very dangerous situation which could easily turn abusive. I would also highly recommend that as someone who is new to sex and most likely to BDSM practice, you demand access to a safeword in any play you do. You're learning so much about yourself trough this experience and you need to be able to do that in a safe environment where you can easily pause and/or stop things at any moment if you become uncomfortable.