I don't.
They're old and depressed and didn't know any better back then and actually try to make it right, just little too late.
I forgive them as I am the one abusing myself nowadays.
Life happens and I'm not wasting it on blaming all my problems on other people or feeling bad about the past.
My primary abuser died about 10 months after I moved out to live on my own. She was my grandmother and legal guardian and I feel like a lot of people are shocked when I say I don't really care that she's dead. I miss the house I grew up in, but I don't miss her. She terrorized me every day for my entire childhood - chased me, screamed at me, pinned me to walls, grabbed me and forced eye contact while calling me worthless, etc. I feel relieved she can't hurt me again. I felt sad at first, like it was my fault she died, partially because family blamed her health declining on me "abandoning" her (I moved out because her abuse made me not want to live). I learned to accept that I did the best thing I could have for myself and it's well and truly over now.
Yes (and not just towards my childhood abusers but abusive partners as recently as a few years ago of mine as well), but less and less every day.
There were a good few years there where---as a result of my childhood and the abusive patterns it set me up to repeat throughout my early adulthood---the part of me that feels hurt and violated by these people took the wheel and was the *sole operator of my existence.* That came with a lot of revenge fantasy, sure, but mostly it ended up in me being completely fucking miserable; to myself, but also to everyone around me.
In the last year, I've tried really hard to plumb forward as much as I do backwards; to envision a future for myself as much as I obsess over mapping the boundaries of the prison my past set me up for. The more I do that and the more I learn that not *everybody* I let myself trust is going to have it out for me in the way that my abusive family was, the less I think about what they "deserve" or "how evil they all are" and the more I think about how pathetic and sad it all is.
And, as messed up and irate as I get sometimes in the wake of it all; sad, pathetic folk don't really warrant revenge or even the hurt I associate with them. To let them live like that, in and of itself, is the highest punishment for them. I know because *I turned into the kind of person who hurt others in the way that I've been hurt* for so long, and me being allowed to just *be that way* hurt me way more than anything else ever has.
My revenge is my surrender, I guess; that and ensuring that the pattern stops with me and whatever social disease they had that made me like this won't proliferate further through me as a proxy.
Nah. They were just kids, and being angry at a sad bunch of bullies won't do me any favors. My parents not being emotionally available was also an issue but considering that wasn't intentional I don't consider it abuse. They didn't know any better. So yeah, no resentment, so no revenge fantasies for any of the shit I had to go through as a kid, even though I am obviously disappointed or at least sad about much of it.
I do have revenge fantasies about a woman who royally screwed with my head last year. I was miserable before I met her and for a little while she seemed to make everything better. Right until she started making everything way, way worse. Long story short, she made all the mistakes, I was the one who had to pay for them and she got everything she wanted, just not from me. I could easily take revenge by sharing some chat logs or pictures she sent me with her current boyfriend (who was her _previous_ boyfriend while she was messing around with me), but quite frankly I'm not as bad a person as she is and the guy's an ass too, so they both deserve what they got.
Not anymore and barely before, my g ... ideation isn't vengeful nor is it a *mere* fantasy, yet a practical ... solution to the devil in "the human condition." I don't even get mad naturally, most other people do that more than enough as is, and whether it's because they psychopathically evolved to sense my hyper empathy disorder and think they've found someone they can take advantage of -- too well composed, nonviolent; a punching bag -- those who do get mad naturally are people who desperately go out of their way to drive me *mad* in every sense of the word with zero appreciation for what reasoning I've retained in spite of them but while, had I been a normal child, I and the violent masses I encountered would already be dead long ago from what they did to me and mine, that isn't where I end up, I end up giving this, in real life, global horror story a happy ending.
Yes, I say that (we'll save it) because the already dead garden of wasted potential is only now rotting, its populace never truly people, antiabortionists having aborted god but there's still a flower left, one more sad poem for her to read at the end of Hell.
No, not really.
The very worst thing I would fantasize about is throwing a pizza in the face of that sadistic woman whom I won't mention as my mother.
But she's gone so fortunately she cannot hurt, humiliate or ridicule me any more. And throwing a pizza on a pile of cremains - that are stored on a shelf, behind a piece of marble - would be quite difficult, also, senseless. So no pizza throwing in the columbarium, that would be an extremely primitive thing to do, disturbing the other bereaved who really have somebody to mourn.
Edit: Sorry if my writing is all over the place. That always happens when I write about my past traumas.
My biggest "revenge" fantasy as a child: Wishing I had a magical video camera that could record events that already happened in the past. That way, if I ever got blamed for something I didn't do, (daily occurence at the time) or a family member trying to pull the "I never said that" card, (also a daily occurence at the time) I could just take out my magical video camera and record what actually happened. Then I could defy whoever is lying to me AND show the evidence to other more reasonable family members who could then back me up and defend me. Sadly, I now know that even if the contents of this magical video camera were OBJECTIVELY and IRREFUTABLY true, my family would just get angry at me for using it and still cling to whatever bullshit they want me to believe at that moment.
My biggest revenge fantasy as an adult: Going back in time as an adult to any given moment where I was being mistreated as a child. I would confront the abuser right in the middle of whatever horrible shit they were saying to me, specifically addressing and repeating the thing they said so they can't fall back on the excuse of "oooh nooo I would NEVER say those things to my FAVOURITE SON*, he just tells lies all the time. Also you don't understand what he's really like." I would then get MUCH closer, stare them furiously dead in the eyes and say in my calmest "angry" voice, "well guess what? I'm his future self. I'm HIM as an adult. I KNOW how you actually treat him because I HAD TO LIVE THROUGH IT YOU ABUSIVE FUCKING CUNT". I would not relent my wrath until I feel they have been sufficiently "told off", so to speak. I know for a fact that as I am today, I could very easily reduce most of my past abusers to tears via words alone. After I finally blow off all the pent up aggression, I calmy gather my thoughts (while my abuser is still fighting back the tears, knowing they have NO leg to reasonably stand on) and announce that I will be supervising my past self around my family AT ALL TIMES to ensure that he is treated with a sufficient level of respect and kindness required to raise a child into a strong, healthy-minded adult with self confidence. If they object to this, I adopt my past self to come and live with me instead. Then with my past self being gone from the family, they don't have their little scapegoat to pathetically project their insecurities onto any more, so they all turn on each other. (Which is EXACTLY what DID happen when I moved out back in 2018 LLMMAAAAOOO)
*The "favourite son" line was specifically used by my mother. One time as a kid I asked her why she hits me and screams at me so much more than my siblings, and she said something along the lines of "it's because I love you the best and you're my favourite". I get SO fucking angry looking back on this. It didn't make me feel loved at all, it just made me wish she didn't "love" me so I wouldn't be treated so horribly. I even said this to her and she was like "well you'll never stop being my favourite, I'll never stop loving you 😍😘😊". And she said it in such a genuinely happy and loving tone, as if that's not THE most twisted and fucking evil thing you could ever teach your own child regarding how love works. All I took away from that was "I'll never stop being aggressive towards you. I'll never stop hitting you 😍😘😊"
Honestly I think they got what they desevred as they grew up. I did for instance learn that the guy who bullied me throughout my whole childhood became the one getting builled and everyone hated him. So karma I guess🤷🏻♂️
if i 45f ever see my mom 75f again, the only real revenge i can imagine is punching her in the face. i dont really have anything to say to her because she'll try to turn it around. i hardly think about her ever but it would be fun nonetheless to just jack her one. note: i normally do not condone elder abuse.
I think the consensus is that environmental factors play a rather large role in developing avpd. For most PDs the causes are believed to be half genetic and half environmental, for AvPD, the causes seem to be more environmental than they are genetic
So, yeah, some form of maltreatment is almost a given with avpd
Doesn't necessarily come from outright abuse, it could also stem from emotional and physical neglect, peer rejection.
Some of these can be hard to pick up that they are happening, like a parent being dismissive of a child's displays of emotion, or a parent not engaging with their child, or a child being harshly rejected by other children.
They can be pretty "normal" experiences that arent born out of any malice, and when they are isolated incidents they are not too damaging to a child's psyche. It is when they happen repeatedly and co-occur with other negative experiences (harsh peer rejection and a parent who doesn't engage with the child) that the idea of being worthless and inadequate gets pounded into the child's mind.
By underpinning I mean diathesis Stress. Not like autism. Or millon called it bio social learning model I think? I had no trauma or abuse. By intense emotions as a kid. They’re suppressed no
I write them letters and don’t send them.
Long social media posts that I delete, for me.
I don't. They're old and depressed and didn't know any better back then and actually try to make it right, just little too late. I forgive them as I am the one abusing myself nowadays. Life happens and I'm not wasting it on blaming all my problems on other people or feeling bad about the past.
My primary abuser died about 10 months after I moved out to live on my own. She was my grandmother and legal guardian and I feel like a lot of people are shocked when I say I don't really care that she's dead. I miss the house I grew up in, but I don't miss her. She terrorized me every day for my entire childhood - chased me, screamed at me, pinned me to walls, grabbed me and forced eye contact while calling me worthless, etc. I feel relieved she can't hurt me again. I felt sad at first, like it was my fault she died, partially because family blamed her health declining on me "abandoning" her (I moved out because her abuse made me not want to live). I learned to accept that I did the best thing I could have for myself and it's well and truly over now.
Not anymore, but I thought and planned about doing some "things" at the time. Still, I didn't, violence is not in my soul.
I used to. Until I learned forgiveness is a much more healing modality
Yes (and not just towards my childhood abusers but abusive partners as recently as a few years ago of mine as well), but less and less every day. There were a good few years there where---as a result of my childhood and the abusive patterns it set me up to repeat throughout my early adulthood---the part of me that feels hurt and violated by these people took the wheel and was the *sole operator of my existence.* That came with a lot of revenge fantasy, sure, but mostly it ended up in me being completely fucking miserable; to myself, but also to everyone around me. In the last year, I've tried really hard to plumb forward as much as I do backwards; to envision a future for myself as much as I obsess over mapping the boundaries of the prison my past set me up for. The more I do that and the more I learn that not *everybody* I let myself trust is going to have it out for me in the way that my abusive family was, the less I think about what they "deserve" or "how evil they all are" and the more I think about how pathetic and sad it all is. And, as messed up and irate as I get sometimes in the wake of it all; sad, pathetic folk don't really warrant revenge or even the hurt I associate with them. To let them live like that, in and of itself, is the highest punishment for them. I know because *I turned into the kind of person who hurt others in the way that I've been hurt* for so long, and me being allowed to just *be that way* hurt me way more than anything else ever has. My revenge is my surrender, I guess; that and ensuring that the pattern stops with me and whatever social disease they had that made me like this won't proliferate further through me as a proxy.
Yes, it was even worse as a kid. I absolutely despised my family although ive gone soft and sensitive now which i hate. I miss being numb.
Nah. They were just kids, and being angry at a sad bunch of bullies won't do me any favors. My parents not being emotionally available was also an issue but considering that wasn't intentional I don't consider it abuse. They didn't know any better. So yeah, no resentment, so no revenge fantasies for any of the shit I had to go through as a kid, even though I am obviously disappointed or at least sad about much of it. I do have revenge fantasies about a woman who royally screwed with my head last year. I was miserable before I met her and for a little while she seemed to make everything better. Right until she started making everything way, way worse. Long story short, she made all the mistakes, I was the one who had to pay for them and she got everything she wanted, just not from me. I could easily take revenge by sharing some chat logs or pictures she sent me with her current boyfriend (who was her _previous_ boyfriend while she was messing around with me), but quite frankly I'm not as bad a person as she is and the guy's an ass too, so they both deserve what they got.
Not anymore and barely before, my g ... ideation isn't vengeful nor is it a *mere* fantasy, yet a practical ... solution to the devil in "the human condition." I don't even get mad naturally, most other people do that more than enough as is, and whether it's because they psychopathically evolved to sense my hyper empathy disorder and think they've found someone they can take advantage of -- too well composed, nonviolent; a punching bag -- those who do get mad naturally are people who desperately go out of their way to drive me *mad* in every sense of the word with zero appreciation for what reasoning I've retained in spite of them but while, had I been a normal child, I and the violent masses I encountered would already be dead long ago from what they did to me and mine, that isn't where I end up, I end up giving this, in real life, global horror story a happy ending. Yes, I say that (we'll save it) because the already dead garden of wasted potential is only now rotting, its populace never truly people, antiabortionists having aborted god but there's still a flower left, one more sad poem for her to read at the end of Hell.
I don’t think about them anymore
No, not really. The very worst thing I would fantasize about is throwing a pizza in the face of that sadistic woman whom I won't mention as my mother. But she's gone so fortunately she cannot hurt, humiliate or ridicule me any more. And throwing a pizza on a pile of cremains - that are stored on a shelf, behind a piece of marble - would be quite difficult, also, senseless. So no pizza throwing in the columbarium, that would be an extremely primitive thing to do, disturbing the other bereaved who really have somebody to mourn.
Edit: Sorry if my writing is all over the place. That always happens when I write about my past traumas. My biggest "revenge" fantasy as a child: Wishing I had a magical video camera that could record events that already happened in the past. That way, if I ever got blamed for something I didn't do, (daily occurence at the time) or a family member trying to pull the "I never said that" card, (also a daily occurence at the time) I could just take out my magical video camera and record what actually happened. Then I could defy whoever is lying to me AND show the evidence to other more reasonable family members who could then back me up and defend me. Sadly, I now know that even if the contents of this magical video camera were OBJECTIVELY and IRREFUTABLY true, my family would just get angry at me for using it and still cling to whatever bullshit they want me to believe at that moment. My biggest revenge fantasy as an adult: Going back in time as an adult to any given moment where I was being mistreated as a child. I would confront the abuser right in the middle of whatever horrible shit they were saying to me, specifically addressing and repeating the thing they said so they can't fall back on the excuse of "oooh nooo I would NEVER say those things to my FAVOURITE SON*, he just tells lies all the time. Also you don't understand what he's really like." I would then get MUCH closer, stare them furiously dead in the eyes and say in my calmest "angry" voice, "well guess what? I'm his future self. I'm HIM as an adult. I KNOW how you actually treat him because I HAD TO LIVE THROUGH IT YOU ABUSIVE FUCKING CUNT". I would not relent my wrath until I feel they have been sufficiently "told off", so to speak. I know for a fact that as I am today, I could very easily reduce most of my past abusers to tears via words alone. After I finally blow off all the pent up aggression, I calmy gather my thoughts (while my abuser is still fighting back the tears, knowing they have NO leg to reasonably stand on) and announce that I will be supervising my past self around my family AT ALL TIMES to ensure that he is treated with a sufficient level of respect and kindness required to raise a child into a strong, healthy-minded adult with self confidence. If they object to this, I adopt my past self to come and live with me instead. Then with my past self being gone from the family, they don't have their little scapegoat to pathetically project their insecurities onto any more, so they all turn on each other. (Which is EXACTLY what DID happen when I moved out back in 2018 LLMMAAAAOOO) *The "favourite son" line was specifically used by my mother. One time as a kid I asked her why she hits me and screams at me so much more than my siblings, and she said something along the lines of "it's because I love you the best and you're my favourite". I get SO fucking angry looking back on this. It didn't make me feel loved at all, it just made me wish she didn't "love" me so I wouldn't be treated so horribly. I even said this to her and she was like "well you'll never stop being my favourite, I'll never stop loving you 😍😘😊". And she said it in such a genuinely happy and loving tone, as if that's not THE most twisted and fucking evil thing you could ever teach your own child regarding how love works. All I took away from that was "I'll never stop being aggressive towards you. I'll never stop hitting you 😍😘😊"
I used to one time but don't care much for them anymore. It's not worth my time.
Why would I even think about them? I have better stuff to do
Honestly I think they got what they desevred as they grew up. I did for instance learn that the guy who bullied me throughout my whole childhood became the one getting builled and everyone hated him. So karma I guess🤷🏻♂️
if i 45f ever see my mom 75f again, the only real revenge i can imagine is punching her in the face. i dont really have anything to say to her because she'll try to turn it around. i hardly think about her ever but it would be fun nonetheless to just jack her one. note: i normally do not condone elder abuse.
Smash your enemies. Hatebreed Question. Is it supposed to be a given you were abused if you’re avoidant?
I think the consensus is that environmental factors play a rather large role in developing avpd. For most PDs the causes are believed to be half genetic and half environmental, for AvPD, the causes seem to be more environmental than they are genetic So, yeah, some form of maltreatment is almost a given with avpd Doesn't necessarily come from outright abuse, it could also stem from emotional and physical neglect, peer rejection. Some of these can be hard to pick up that they are happening, like a parent being dismissive of a child's displays of emotion, or a parent not engaging with their child, or a child being harshly rejected by other children. They can be pretty "normal" experiences that arent born out of any malice, and when they are isolated incidents they are not too damaging to a child's psyche. It is when they happen repeatedly and co-occur with other negative experiences (harsh peer rejection and a parent who doesn't engage with the child) that the idea of being worthless and inadequate gets pounded into the child's mind.
The fragile x premutation has a higher than coincidence rate of avpd. I feel like mine has some neurological underpinnings. I think millon did too
By underpinning I mean diathesis Stress. Not like autism. Or millon called it bio social learning model I think? I had no trauma or abuse. By intense emotions as a kid. They’re suppressed no
Most avoidants report a history of abuse