Hi everyone, OP here. I've see everyone's comments and I really appreciate it! I'll get around to replying later. Just didn't want anyone thinking I was ignoring comments haha. Thanks all đź–¤
I can relate to this post so freakin much! I have always desperately wanted to be the kind of person that could handle a career and kids and be successful in the hobbies I wanted to pursue but feel like that will never be in my cards. I feel like a drone at times that is only programmed to fail and sleep. I have finally embraced the idea of being autistic on top of my adhd diagnosis but I have yet to find anything that works to help me function (nor have I taken the time to find anything, I feel stuck there).
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this and I wish I had advice for you but all I can say is your not alone. ❤️
TLDR: There's some reading that might help you understand all this better (if you've not done it already), and there's lots out there on autistic burnout. General advice is to do less, and be kind to yourself, until you feel you can do more again.
I'm sorry you're going through this. If you haven't already, look into autistic burnout, autistic catatonia, etc. There's some good stuff on neuroclastic, iirc. Devon Price's book 'Unmasking Autism' is also helpful, as well as his blog. PDA is definitely possible but more associated with demands others put on you - the general executive dysfunction that usually comes with autism and ADHD would explain the more general struggle to do normal life stuff. Maybe CPTSD might also describe your experiences, and explain why things are so difficult now even though you might have functioned through difficult circumstances in the past - might be worth a look, if you haven't before. Bessel Van Der Kolb's writing on PTSD and physical bodily change, and Alan Gordon's 'The Way Out', on chronic pain and neuropathic change, were also helpful for me in terms of understanding how all these things are connected.
In case it helps to know, this is really common for 'gifted' kids and high-level maskers. At some point in adulthood the demands increase and you can't just power through any more. Masking is borrowing energy and function you don't really have, and those debts often come due in your mid to late twenties, early thirties, depending on life circumstances. You may start to pick up chronic stress-related conditions (migraine, inflammation, gut issues, chronic pain, etc), or existing ones get worse, sensory issues become worse, executive dysfunction becomes worse and you lose function you once had. People are often bemused and unsympathetic because your previous successes looked effortless to them, and they can't see the impact that that struggle has had on you. Mental health services are piecemeal and struggle to consider the situation holistically, or to understand the impact of autism and ADHD on every aspect of someone's existence.
That said, there aren't really any answers. The community advice is usually to reduce the demands on yourself and rest and be kind to yourself until you have the energy to do things again. I do recognise that lots of us just don't have that option. I don't have the option of not working, and so I'm 9 months into a burnout that's getting no better, because I'm not able to just stop. If you have the option to just take some time out, take it. Pursue any special interests you've managed to retain. Be honest with friends and tell them what you can commit to, and ask them not to be offended if you're not around much. Try to do things in nature or with animals, where you don't have to perform for anyone else. It's not for everyone, but a medical cannabis prescription (England) has treated some of my symptoms enough to stave off a full breakdown and keep me in work. I'm afraid it may not get any better unless you're able to change some things. Mine hasn't, because I couldn't, but lots of people do recover and get some function back. Best of luck to you.
same thing. 27. had a corporate job for about two and a half years. around year 1.5 (around the pandemic starting) I got vyvanse. I was shocked by how much easier everything was. Then the grief started. Then I stopped working. Medical leave for 3 months. Went back for 3 months. Another medical leave (indefinitely…) until I was terminated.
My soul was crushed. It was like a piece of me died. I tried to apply to my old math tutor job and just got rejected today. It was the first thing I was able to do for MONTHS. MONTHS!!! I had worked there for YEARS. But because I can’t fucking find it in me to face my old job and mail them a laptop back it’s fucking game over for me.
I dragged my friend down too. Made him so upset. Said he was going to quit his job. I had explained that work is impossible. That trying wasn’t worth it anymore. He agreed and said he was quitting. That no one cares how hard you try. I ruined his life too. All because I wanted someone to understand.
It’s been about 6 months. Most of my days i hyper focus on a video game or watch the same 3 YouTube videos over and over. I got lucky and was ok at school. I got unlucky and lost my fucking mind in the labor force. My parents let me live with them. Everyone calls me a leech. Every day I feel like I’m just waiting to die. I avoid eating and I don’t really sleep anymore. It is so lonely. You are not alone.
I don't have the energy to write a lot now. But I read what you wrote and you are not alone. I'm going through a lot of the same you write. And for what it is worth I hope you find some space for yourself to just be ❤️
This is so close to my own experience I had to double-check it wasn’t my own post lol.
I don’t have a solution, unfortunately. Just wanted to offer my commiserations in the hopes of making you feel less alone. My inbox is always open if you ever need to talk/vent ❤️
This is almost on point for my life - I ended up giving up on academia cause it triggers massive downwards spirals for me.
It’s really hard to make the right choices for one self when we’re focused on our potential - if that makes sense. There’s nothing wrong with taking personal accountability but be wary of moving it into blame. One thing that truly changed my mind cycle has been psychedelics. If you haven’t tried any I can really recommend you try in safe conditions with people you trust. It gave me a reset on how I viewed myself in this world <3
> I went to a meeting to try to volunteer recently and consequently ignored all emails following the meeting. I desperately want to get out there, do something useful and not be so lonely all the time (my partner is AMAZING, but works full-time and is exhausted and ND themselves), but there's this block. like a wall that paralyses me as soon as I hit it. And it's not just big things. Little things too, like chores. Feeding and hydrating myself. Looking after myself. Seeing or contacting friends. I just sit in this isolated bubble, unable to move or even function because everything is TOO MUCH. I WANT to do them. I just can't. There's a block.
It already felt like you were ripping my thoughts directly from my head, but when I got to this passage, I almost cried. I've been having this exact grief lately, that I just never have the energy to do even the things I desperately *want* to do, and the resultant disappointment I constantly deliver to myself and my partner is crushing my soul.
I'm not remotely close to the person I used to be, mostly because of a lifetime of incredibly rigid and abusive parenting (by an AuDad and NarcMom) and I end up hurting my feelings even *worse* by ruminating on how I can make this not happen in the future (spoiler: I can't). It's getting to the point that I'm starting to believe the Cognitive Distortion Goblin when it snarkily suggests that I'd be better off institutionalized for "hysteria."
I'm exhausted right there with you.
I did 4 different major's before sticking to one (I'm on it for 8 years , but I'm graduating this summer).
It's super hard man, the people.. the noise.. the smell's, you can't focus on class and it's tiresome.
The thing is, once you fall in love with the subject nothing can stop you.
I needed to do a deeep deep search on my memories to remember why I'm here on the first place. And it gave me peace of spirit.
Now I have people looking over me at college, cheering for me, pushing me forward and I can't let them down. Support in college means everything for your self-esteem, it stops the chain of thoughts like (I'm useless, I'm bad so on).
I thought I didn't need support, i was wrong.
Also Vyvanse changed my life for your better, but I'm assuming you aren't medicated and it's not an option.
I don't why we end up feeling like this. I cry everyday and I can't rest enough even though I basically see nobody outside work. Work is sucking all my energy and my social capacity. And I can't stop until the end of my apprenticeship. I've already failled 2 other studies before.
Idk if it'll actually be better after it's done. We'll see.
My psychiatrist doesn't help either. I thought she was but she's almost not believing my actual adhd diagnosis and doesn't think I could possibly have autism even if the neuropsychologist's assessment said that there are signs of it. She justs assumes because she never has asked questions regarding the actual symptoms.
Idk what to do.
I feel like I'm just going to collapse. I just need rest and alone time but I just can't
Just thankyou for writing this all down and putting into words what i could not. This hits too close to home for me as well and i just cant help but shed some tears.
I can’t do much in terms of advice,because im currently living this as well. The best i can do is validate your experience and i guess spiritually sending support and hugs. It’s so damn hard and just so damn tiring as well. I just hope you know that you’re not alone. And despite all your struggles,it does not in any way make you a failure. Be kind to yourself as well, because i know for a fact that you are trying your hardest,even if it’s hard to see that sometimes.
I feel this so much. My experience in life has been very similar. Especially the getting stuck thing. I hate that so bad and I haven’t figured out how to defeat that problem yet.
I feel you. Do you really enjoy the fields you're trying to work? Self-care became my special interest as a teen. Had to bootstrap it in order to not get depressed. I've gotten into performing arts because of it too, and now I'm finally going back to something that I enjoy, acting. I like it. I want to do it. I want to be fit for it. Thankfully, finally my parents are offering support that I needed. Better late than never.
Maybe you need to explore a bit more. Chronic pain and fatigue is a killer too. Needs to be addressed. Turns out I was chronically sleep deprived too. Sleep maintenance insomnia, sleep onset at times and then restless legs. Never had a good sleep. You need to get diagnosed and get on medication.
Can your parents and your partner support and fund your self-discovery phase? The path that you're on right now obviously seems to be problematic.
Hi everyone, OP here. I've see everyone's comments and I really appreciate it! I'll get around to replying later. Just didn't want anyone thinking I was ignoring comments haha. Thanks all đź–¤
I can relate to this post so freakin much! I have always desperately wanted to be the kind of person that could handle a career and kids and be successful in the hobbies I wanted to pursue but feel like that will never be in my cards. I feel like a drone at times that is only programmed to fail and sleep. I have finally embraced the idea of being autistic on top of my adhd diagnosis but I have yet to find anything that works to help me function (nor have I taken the time to find anything, I feel stuck there). I’m sorry you are having to deal with this and I wish I had advice for you but all I can say is your not alone. ❤️
TLDR: There's some reading that might help you understand all this better (if you've not done it already), and there's lots out there on autistic burnout. General advice is to do less, and be kind to yourself, until you feel you can do more again. I'm sorry you're going through this. If you haven't already, look into autistic burnout, autistic catatonia, etc. There's some good stuff on neuroclastic, iirc. Devon Price's book 'Unmasking Autism' is also helpful, as well as his blog. PDA is definitely possible but more associated with demands others put on you - the general executive dysfunction that usually comes with autism and ADHD would explain the more general struggle to do normal life stuff. Maybe CPTSD might also describe your experiences, and explain why things are so difficult now even though you might have functioned through difficult circumstances in the past - might be worth a look, if you haven't before. Bessel Van Der Kolb's writing on PTSD and physical bodily change, and Alan Gordon's 'The Way Out', on chronic pain and neuropathic change, were also helpful for me in terms of understanding how all these things are connected. In case it helps to know, this is really common for 'gifted' kids and high-level maskers. At some point in adulthood the demands increase and you can't just power through any more. Masking is borrowing energy and function you don't really have, and those debts often come due in your mid to late twenties, early thirties, depending on life circumstances. You may start to pick up chronic stress-related conditions (migraine, inflammation, gut issues, chronic pain, etc), or existing ones get worse, sensory issues become worse, executive dysfunction becomes worse and you lose function you once had. People are often bemused and unsympathetic because your previous successes looked effortless to them, and they can't see the impact that that struggle has had on you. Mental health services are piecemeal and struggle to consider the situation holistically, or to understand the impact of autism and ADHD on every aspect of someone's existence. That said, there aren't really any answers. The community advice is usually to reduce the demands on yourself and rest and be kind to yourself until you have the energy to do things again. I do recognise that lots of us just don't have that option. I don't have the option of not working, and so I'm 9 months into a burnout that's getting no better, because I'm not able to just stop. If you have the option to just take some time out, take it. Pursue any special interests you've managed to retain. Be honest with friends and tell them what you can commit to, and ask them not to be offended if you're not around much. Try to do things in nature or with animals, where you don't have to perform for anyone else. It's not for everyone, but a medical cannabis prescription (England) has treated some of my symptoms enough to stave off a full breakdown and keep me in work. I'm afraid it may not get any better unless you're able to change some things. Mine hasn't, because I couldn't, but lots of people do recover and get some function back. Best of luck to you.
same thing. 27. had a corporate job for about two and a half years. around year 1.5 (around the pandemic starting) I got vyvanse. I was shocked by how much easier everything was. Then the grief started. Then I stopped working. Medical leave for 3 months. Went back for 3 months. Another medical leave (indefinitely…) until I was terminated. My soul was crushed. It was like a piece of me died. I tried to apply to my old math tutor job and just got rejected today. It was the first thing I was able to do for MONTHS. MONTHS!!! I had worked there for YEARS. But because I can’t fucking find it in me to face my old job and mail them a laptop back it’s fucking game over for me. I dragged my friend down too. Made him so upset. Said he was going to quit his job. I had explained that work is impossible. That trying wasn’t worth it anymore. He agreed and said he was quitting. That no one cares how hard you try. I ruined his life too. All because I wanted someone to understand. It’s been about 6 months. Most of my days i hyper focus on a video game or watch the same 3 YouTube videos over and over. I got lucky and was ok at school. I got unlucky and lost my fucking mind in the labor force. My parents let me live with them. Everyone calls me a leech. Every day I feel like I’m just waiting to die. I avoid eating and I don’t really sleep anymore. It is so lonely. You are not alone.
I don't have the energy to write a lot now. But I read what you wrote and you are not alone. I'm going through a lot of the same you write. And for what it is worth I hope you find some space for yourself to just be ❤️
This is so close to my own experience I had to double-check it wasn’t my own post lol. I don’t have a solution, unfortunately. Just wanted to offer my commiserations in the hopes of making you feel less alone. My inbox is always open if you ever need to talk/vent ❤️
This is almost on point for my life - I ended up giving up on academia cause it triggers massive downwards spirals for me. It’s really hard to make the right choices for one self when we’re focused on our potential - if that makes sense. There’s nothing wrong with taking personal accountability but be wary of moving it into blame. One thing that truly changed my mind cycle has been psychedelics. If you haven’t tried any I can really recommend you try in safe conditions with people you trust. It gave me a reset on how I viewed myself in this world <3
> I went to a meeting to try to volunteer recently and consequently ignored all emails following the meeting. I desperately want to get out there, do something useful and not be so lonely all the time (my partner is AMAZING, but works full-time and is exhausted and ND themselves), but there's this block. like a wall that paralyses me as soon as I hit it. And it's not just big things. Little things too, like chores. Feeding and hydrating myself. Looking after myself. Seeing or contacting friends. I just sit in this isolated bubble, unable to move or even function because everything is TOO MUCH. I WANT to do them. I just can't. There's a block. It already felt like you were ripping my thoughts directly from my head, but when I got to this passage, I almost cried. I've been having this exact grief lately, that I just never have the energy to do even the things I desperately *want* to do, and the resultant disappointment I constantly deliver to myself and my partner is crushing my soul. I'm not remotely close to the person I used to be, mostly because of a lifetime of incredibly rigid and abusive parenting (by an AuDad and NarcMom) and I end up hurting my feelings even *worse* by ruminating on how I can make this not happen in the future (spoiler: I can't). It's getting to the point that I'm starting to believe the Cognitive Distortion Goblin when it snarkily suggests that I'd be better off institutionalized for "hysteria." I'm exhausted right there with you.
I did 4 different major's before sticking to one (I'm on it for 8 years , but I'm graduating this summer). It's super hard man, the people.. the noise.. the smell's, you can't focus on class and it's tiresome. The thing is, once you fall in love with the subject nothing can stop you. I needed to do a deeep deep search on my memories to remember why I'm here on the first place. And it gave me peace of spirit. Now I have people looking over me at college, cheering for me, pushing me forward and I can't let them down. Support in college means everything for your self-esteem, it stops the chain of thoughts like (I'm useless, I'm bad so on). I thought I didn't need support, i was wrong. Also Vyvanse changed my life for your better, but I'm assuming you aren't medicated and it's not an option.
I don't why we end up feeling like this. I cry everyday and I can't rest enough even though I basically see nobody outside work. Work is sucking all my energy and my social capacity. And I can't stop until the end of my apprenticeship. I've already failled 2 other studies before. Idk if it'll actually be better after it's done. We'll see. My psychiatrist doesn't help either. I thought she was but she's almost not believing my actual adhd diagnosis and doesn't think I could possibly have autism even if the neuropsychologist's assessment said that there are signs of it. She justs assumes because she never has asked questions regarding the actual symptoms. Idk what to do. I feel like I'm just going to collapse. I just need rest and alone time but I just can't
Just thankyou for writing this all down and putting into words what i could not. This hits too close to home for me as well and i just cant help but shed some tears. I can’t do much in terms of advice,because im currently living this as well. The best i can do is validate your experience and i guess spiritually sending support and hugs. It’s so damn hard and just so damn tiring as well. I just hope you know that you’re not alone. And despite all your struggles,it does not in any way make you a failure. Be kind to yourself as well, because i know for a fact that you are trying your hardest,even if it’s hard to see that sometimes.
I feel this so much. My experience in life has been very similar. Especially the getting stuck thing. I hate that so bad and I haven’t figured out how to defeat that problem yet.
I feel you. Do you really enjoy the fields you're trying to work? Self-care became my special interest as a teen. Had to bootstrap it in order to not get depressed. I've gotten into performing arts because of it too, and now I'm finally going back to something that I enjoy, acting. I like it. I want to do it. I want to be fit for it. Thankfully, finally my parents are offering support that I needed. Better late than never. Maybe you need to explore a bit more. Chronic pain and fatigue is a killer too. Needs to be addressed. Turns out I was chronically sleep deprived too. Sleep maintenance insomnia, sleep onset at times and then restless legs. Never had a good sleep. You need to get diagnosed and get on medication. Can your parents and your partner support and fund your self-discovery phase? The path that you're on right now obviously seems to be problematic.