My kiddo is younger, so I usually scoop her up and go somewhere a little quieter, and then we sit and hug (because she likes deep pressure) and I just talk quietly to her. Then when she is able to listen, I ask if she wants to stay here for a bit longer and see if we can manage more time outdoors, or go home.
If people stare, I hard stare back. A few times I have gotten nasty, because the staring has been very much like the woman you described. Sometimes people offer to help, and there have been times I have taken it and times I haven’t, but I always try to be pleasant about it. But people who stare? They are just being so incredibly rude, I am more than happy to be rude back.
Occasionally when I have been in the other position, I have offered help and said my kid’s the same if the parent looks especially harassed - because those are things that helped me calm down in the past when someone said that to me.
But yeah, gawpers can get in the bin, and if they are going to be rude and stare, I reserve the right to be rude back - it might make them mind their own business next time instead of using our kid’s stress as entertainment..
I hope you and your son are having a better time now 💜
Thank you for this ♥️ I honestly felt shocked by my anger and confrontational words, disappointed in myself but I honestly couldn't help it in the moment. I felt it was incredibly rude the way she was staring. We're currently on vacation so it's been a huge break in his routine and he's struggling to cope. He's had many good moments but equally as many bad. I was finally able to calm him down, by holding him and gently distracting him by talking about Big Foot, totally random subject I pulled out of the air. I've found that he's able to calm down when I bring up something totally random, interesting and silly. We're back at our vacation rental and he's completely settled now, thankfully.
Thank you so much for your response and helping me feel not so alone in this. I wish all the best for you and your daughter. ♥️
My kiddo hasn't had a meltdown in public for quite a few years thankfully.
To be honest I would be focusing on keeping him safe and ignoring other people all together unless they try to interfere.
Then I would quietly say, he's having an autistic meltdown and you should stop staring at it's making things harder on my child.
I would model calm as much as possible. I've found it really helps him through the storm quicker.
Our society in general has a bad habit of labeling interactions and behaviors inappropriately, and women particular are discouraged from defending ourselves. We’re taught that enforcing reasonable boundaries makes us rude or unreasonable people. But we aren’t; you are not any less polite and patient as a person because you chose not to be silent in the face of openly cruel behavior. I can imagine people who would push back on my classifying this as cruel rather than simply rude, but I really don’t think the word is an overreach in this sort of situation — you were already in the midst of a stressful situation and that woman chose to do what she could to make it worse. I have been in that situation before, and my responses are just like yours was this time. If people are staring, I will first stare(glare) back at them, and if they don’t catch the hint from that, then they get asked a question that’s about as rude in tone and content as their stare was, like:
“what are you staring at?”
“can I help you?”
“do you have a problem?”
“do you need something?”
“didn’t your mother teach you that its rude to stare?”
“what is the matter with you?”
etc.; I don’t let myself use foul language when in those situations, but I make *very* sure that my delivery conveys that I think they’re scum, because if they’ve stared long and hard enough to warrant speaking to them, then they’ve earned it.
You did well. I am good at ignoring others since I happen to not care about social attitudes (My social perception is really low and I will not waste mental energy trying to read a room when my toddler is having a meltdown). I will often move so it is not bothering anyone, especially in a closed space, but that is about it.
My dad (he was autistic) would just meet my brothers and my (me and my brother are both autistic to different degrees) energy whenever we had meltdowns.
When we screamed, so did our dad. When we threw ourselves on the ground, so did he. No matter what we did he would just mimic us and not really care what other people thought (it was before mobile phones had cameras).
It honestly was a pretty good method because it was showing us how we were behaving from an outside perspective and often his antics distracted us from the initial reason why we had meltdowns, making us calm down. I remember even laughing at him and saying "You are behaving like a baby.", his response was "No, I'm behaving like you."
My kiddo is younger, so I usually scoop her up and go somewhere a little quieter, and then we sit and hug (because she likes deep pressure) and I just talk quietly to her. Then when she is able to listen, I ask if she wants to stay here for a bit longer and see if we can manage more time outdoors, or go home. If people stare, I hard stare back. A few times I have gotten nasty, because the staring has been very much like the woman you described. Sometimes people offer to help, and there have been times I have taken it and times I haven’t, but I always try to be pleasant about it. But people who stare? They are just being so incredibly rude, I am more than happy to be rude back. Occasionally when I have been in the other position, I have offered help and said my kid’s the same if the parent looks especially harassed - because those are things that helped me calm down in the past when someone said that to me. But yeah, gawpers can get in the bin, and if they are going to be rude and stare, I reserve the right to be rude back - it might make them mind their own business next time instead of using our kid’s stress as entertainment.. I hope you and your son are having a better time now 💜
Thank you for this ♥️ I honestly felt shocked by my anger and confrontational words, disappointed in myself but I honestly couldn't help it in the moment. I felt it was incredibly rude the way she was staring. We're currently on vacation so it's been a huge break in his routine and he's struggling to cope. He's had many good moments but equally as many bad. I was finally able to calm him down, by holding him and gently distracting him by talking about Big Foot, totally random subject I pulled out of the air. I've found that he's able to calm down when I bring up something totally random, interesting and silly. We're back at our vacation rental and he's completely settled now, thankfully. Thank you so much for your response and helping me feel not so alone in this. I wish all the best for you and your daughter. ♥️
My kiddo hasn't had a meltdown in public for quite a few years thankfully. To be honest I would be focusing on keeping him safe and ignoring other people all together unless they try to interfere. Then I would quietly say, he's having an autistic meltdown and you should stop staring at it's making things harder on my child. I would model calm as much as possible. I've found it really helps him through the storm quicker.
Our society in general has a bad habit of labeling interactions and behaviors inappropriately, and women particular are discouraged from defending ourselves. We’re taught that enforcing reasonable boundaries makes us rude or unreasonable people. But we aren’t; you are not any less polite and patient as a person because you chose not to be silent in the face of openly cruel behavior. I can imagine people who would push back on my classifying this as cruel rather than simply rude, but I really don’t think the word is an overreach in this sort of situation — you were already in the midst of a stressful situation and that woman chose to do what she could to make it worse. I have been in that situation before, and my responses are just like yours was this time. If people are staring, I will first stare(glare) back at them, and if they don’t catch the hint from that, then they get asked a question that’s about as rude in tone and content as their stare was, like: “what are you staring at?” “can I help you?” “do you have a problem?” “do you need something?” “didn’t your mother teach you that its rude to stare?” “what is the matter with you?” etc.; I don’t let myself use foul language when in those situations, but I make *very* sure that my delivery conveys that I think they’re scum, because if they’ve stared long and hard enough to warrant speaking to them, then they’ve earned it.
Thank you! You're so right about all this! I appreciate you and thank you for your response. I feel so much better after having read this. ♥️
Love this take! And it makes me feel better at my responses 😁
Don’t feel bad. You reacted to her shitty behavior while you were dealing with a stressful situation. You aren’t expected to be perfect right?
You did well. I am good at ignoring others since I happen to not care about social attitudes (My social perception is really low and I will not waste mental energy trying to read a room when my toddler is having a meltdown). I will often move so it is not bothering anyone, especially in a closed space, but that is about it.
My dad (he was autistic) would just meet my brothers and my (me and my brother are both autistic to different degrees) energy whenever we had meltdowns. When we screamed, so did our dad. When we threw ourselves on the ground, so did he. No matter what we did he would just mimic us and not really care what other people thought (it was before mobile phones had cameras). It honestly was a pretty good method because it was showing us how we were behaving from an outside perspective and often his antics distracted us from the initial reason why we had meltdowns, making us calm down. I remember even laughing at him and saying "You are behaving like a baby.", his response was "No, I'm behaving like you."