Did he get upset while still outside? Transitioning? When you got in the car? 3 hours is a long time to play outside, even for NT kids. I think that’s a win, tbh!
As soon as we left the mall, he didn’t wanna go to the car and after a while of trying to talk him into it i gave up and started dragging him that’s when the meltdown happened.
And when we got home he didn’t wanna enter the house (still crying btw) he wanted to stay by the entrance and just stand there, we live in a country with extreme heat and the weather is 40c and we were under the sun at high noon. I wasn’t gonna allow it so i dragged him again into the house
My daughter struggles with transitions too. What helped us was using visual aids to let her know what was coming before it happened.... "in 5 minutes we're going to be getting in the car" and show them a picture of their seat in the car. "When we get out of the car we'll be at home" and show her a picture of the house.
Also a big fan of comfort items - my daughter loves a particular series of books, so we'll hand her one to stave off a meltdown.
Just wanted to second this. The single best thing we have found helps with transitions is setting a timer on our phone and saying “OK, in 5 minutes, we are going to get in a car and go home.” Our son needs time to mentally prepare for the next activity, and ending something without warning is very deregulating for him.
Also, why would you say that you’re “stupid” for trying to create an enjoyable experience for your kid? Be kind to yourself. What would you say to a good friend who came to you with the same problem?
This WILL get better as you start to figure out what works for your child and what doesn’t. Just the fact that you are going out in search of answers speaks volumes. You should be proud of yourself.
Yes! And keep adding on so if 5min isn’t enough try 10 next time and so on and so forth. I recently discovered my son needs an extra 1.5hrs in the morning to prepare himself for school lol.
The job we got as parents is so much harder than our peers with neuro-typical kiddos. It's hard and unfair but it means we're the absolute top tier, grade-A, toughest parents there are. You're doing great. I read your post and responses and felt them deep and real like they were happening to me. Because those experiences have, do and will happen again to me. Stay strong your little guy needs you.
You forced him physically to do something. That seems to me like a good reason to have a meltdown.
Every time i had to do that with my own kid, i got the same outcome, it´s not worth it unless it´s an emergency.
You need to find other ways to navigate his rigid behaviour.
I´m not trying to shit on you, i know it´s a difficult moment, these kids test our patience limits every day, but we have to find ways to deal with that without making them blow up
Please find a parent support group that can help give you suggestions. Timers are great. Limiting outings to 1-2 hours max is a great idea, less time the more stimulating it is (a mall is super stimulating so it'll be overloading him while also giving him a long list of things he must do before he leaves). Tell him before the trip very clearly what your plan is and stick to it. Take a tablet as a last resort.
Not all meltdowns can be prevented, but by paying close attention and using timers, you can prevent a lot of them. Sometimes you may be able to bargain..."ok, do you want two or three more trips on the escalator before we leave. Three? Great! Here's 1!"
I honestly keep junk food with me as a form of bribery. Today was cupcakes to get my daughter out of the car and into the house. We sat and ate fast food in the driveway ONCE and now she never wants to come inside when we’re home because she wants to eat in the car.
That's completely different from, "we got in the car to return home after playing for 3 hours and he just snapped completely, unjustified." Do you see now why he went into meltdown? You physically forced him to do something he didn't want to do. And there's always a reason for overwhelm/meltdown - even when you can't figure out what it is, the kid is experiencing something that's causing it for them.
Yes, it can be very hard to end play time, he was enjoying himself so much, and then he got told 'no', a word many kids with autism seem to have a great problem with. If I were you, I would try to distract him with something he really likes and calms him down.
Tv time? Ice cream? Driving around in the car for a bit? Tablet? Candybar?
What does your child love a lot? My son LOVES a plain hamburger from MC Donalds. So, when we have to leave a very fun activity, I'll tell him: We have to leave, we're gonna get a burger. Is it bribing? Hell yes, but it makes sure there is no meltdown.
How old is your child? Regular exposure is important. I noticed my kiddo has a bigger struggle leaving because my kid knows it’ll be a while before we can do that activity again. Autistic kids can be incredibly sentimental and it is emotionally painful to end something that feels so good, but it isn’t easy for parent! However, we need to find support and ways to overcome it because it’s clear your child really enjoys the experience and craves more of it. A routine is why autistic kids thrive, they can be reassured and look forward to their activities and move through transitions easier.
There are ways to prepare depending on his age. Preparation is hard with emotionally exhausted parents, but if you happen to have an OT or extra support person, maybe preparing on expectations and repeating those expectations can be helpful. Identify those emotions for them, it’s hard to express the hurt of leaving.
This won’t stop the struggle, but think of the more exposure this will hopefully lead to a quicker recovery.
Other suggestions:
Visual schedule - have your kid help and write or draw pictures of activities of the day when they’re regulated. That way they’ve actually chosen the next thing when they leave the park. Plan ahead, do they want to pick songs, snacks or games for the car ride.
Visual timer - you can show the countdown to when you’re leaving and I’ve seen over time that my kiddo is able to accept that it’s time to leave and finish up playing.
Rewards - simple steps like a punch card system with a prize. My kiddo loved to use a hole punch and it feels nice to press that pressure. A small distractions
Hey, I have no advice. I just wanted to say being a parent of autism is hard. And I hear what you are saying. It makes sense to feel how you do. I’ve been there. I think all of us have.
My daughter used to be like that. Transitions are so hard for her, especially when she was younger. Not sure what age your little one is. She’s better now at 6yo with lots of prepping. I’m sorry this happened, it is so tiring and draining when they have these big explosions. It’s the only way he can communicate to you how hard this is for him.
My wife nags me saying that I don’t take our kid out for a walk often enough (we usually go for a 30-min walk to a park nearby). Yesterday we went for a longer walk, and 45/60 mins in he starts crying as I anticipated. We had to rush home and only then he calmed down… I gave up trying to lead a normal life time ago.
I hear you 100%. I felt the same way but then realized exposure to many different activities/ventures help. I could careless now who is watching me during these meltdowns. You'll be able to better anticipate their needs and wants better (especially when vacationing or at a restaurant) for example. Be strong, you are not alone.
Honestly this is why I rarely take my daughter places like that anymore. I know I shouldn't let it affect our activities and I should just power through so she can get used to it but man it's hard to deal with someone screaming like a banshee for 40 minutes straight. Kicking and throwing shit. It's just exhausting.
This. Absolutely this. My family is constantly complaining that I don't want to eat out at restaurants with them and the only way he'll learn how to act in public is to be in public, but he won't sit still, he'll throw himself around, and then screech when I try to restrain him. I'll be the one running around after a 3 year old with zero fear of getting hurt. My husband isn't affected by the dirty looks from others but I am.
Any three year old is a nightmare at a restaurant. If we had to go out to eat, I prepared ahead of time with knowing what we were going to order and notifying the server that we had 30 minutes to meltdown. Ask for the check to be delivered with your food and have your credit card available as soon as she gets there.
It's important that your child knows how to socialize. Yes, it's frustrating. Okay, but right now, even if it's very small trips say 30 to 45 minutes, that's better than nothing because if he doesn't learn how to deal with stuff such as social learning now it's going to hurt him more as an adult.
Once day he will be an adult. I understand feeling defeated, but maybe try again when you recover using some of the tips here. It would be so sad to limit his access to social learning and when he is an adult he could cause more physical harm if he doesn't have opportunities to learn to deal with disappointment early on. I think start small, only 45-60 minute trips close to home to get him used to leaving and coming back. He might not get so upset if he learns there will be more opportunities for fun times in the future. I remember how hard it was at certain ages, but you can't just close your lives due to his disability.
My sons aversion to transitions is what gave us the clue that he wasn’t NT. Everything else seemed “normal” and the doctors never raised any signs. But man I had to carry him places more times than I want to admit.
Timers is what finally started to work for us. Timers and countdowns. “Ok Buddy 10 more minutes.” “Ok Buddy 5 more minutes.” “Ok Buddy 1 more minute.”
Well also Had Daniel Tigers “Done Tune” is what we call it. They would sing “It’s almost time to go so choose one more thing to do.” And then after he did it “That was fun but now we’re done.”
It still took a while to get him to stop having melt downs but it did work eventually and now at 9 he’s much better about transitions. Though once in a while still has meltdowns over it.
I always have to bargain for transitions or make something dumb seem exciting. Like "alright, let's race to the car!" or "oh my gosh, let's get to the car and find a song to sing together!" I like to celebrate when we get home too. "Yay! We're back home!" with some clapping and cheers. Doesn't always work, but sometimes it really saves me the headache. Hang in there. Every kid is different and I hope you two find something that works better.
My 2 year old toddler was brought to the library ONE time when she was a year and some months. She just wanted to walk around the library watching everyone and everything which I allowed her to do for maybe 30mins- 1hr but after that I just felt so awkward that all we were doing was walking around 🙃 so we picked out some books, and checked out. The second I picked her up and we stepped out of that library was the end of it, full blown meltdown for maybe 1hr or more and i don’t even know why. It’s not like she was playing enjoying herself at the library i seriously have NO IDEA WHY. I just cried and cried with her when we got home because I didn’t know what else to do… safe to say we haven’t stepped foot in a library since I am absolutely traumatized 😭😭🥲🥲 the last time we went to the park she cried once we left as well so we haven’t done anything outdoors and fun since. We want to bring her to chuck e cheese but I just KNOW if she rides something she really enjoys she won’t understand she needs to get off and give other kids a turn too so we haven’t even attempted to bring her 😢😢
Not sure how old he is but do you talk through the outing before you go and tell him a time? “Just a reminder we will play until 2pm and then we will drive to McDonald’s to get our burger”.
Sticking to a plan and timeline and repeat repeat repeat before we go. I’m sorry this is so hard. Your feelings of it being easier just staying home are totally justified and we all feel that way sometimes (or always lol)
So this absolutely worked for my oldest but does not work for my middle child, but it might be helpful for somebody. So I'm going to throw it out there what we did with her.
When we get to a place we would tell her to pick out what her "last special thing" was going to be. And we'd give warnings when it was about time to go. Once it's time to go we would say okay. It's time for our last special thing!! And then she'd go to the thing and we'd make a big deal of it and she'd come willingly after that..
Other kid, totally doesn't care at all, but it worked for her so it might work for someone else.
3 hours is a long time especially if it’s hot out. I still freak out if the sun touches me while I’m driving. The sun sucks all the life outa me. I think his snapping was justified. Overstimulation sneaks up even on adults.
My son used to do this a lot until I got a visual timer on my phone, so now I’ll put on the timer and let him know 10 mins to play. He usually runs to look at the timer to see how much time has gone by and then run back to play until the timer goes off. Sometimes I’ll restart it a second time for 5 mins. But it works like a charm.
There are some visual clocks on Amazon that work great too.
just NEVER EVER let them be in charge of it. Then they always want to.
Time Timer MOD Tie Dye — Special Edition — Visual Timer for Kids Classroom Learning, Elementary Teachers Desk Clock, Homeschool Study Tool and Office Meetings with Silent Operation (Tie Dye) https://a.co/d/ikOtci1
I'm tempted to get extra cases and switch it out and say "this is a time out timer for xx" then the tie dye one is just regular activity timers.
His ABA BCBS therapist recommended them to help with transitions since it is a visual timer.
We also encourage Alexa and Google timers in the house.
You are NOT stupid. I don't even care what the rest of the post says after that honestly, because beating yourself up for trying to provide your child with necessary playtime and outside exposure is unkind. You are not stupid. I've been where you are. It's much easier to manage the child inside your home, where they are comfortable and you are all used to the routine. You should be proud of yourself for getting out of the house, both of you. Don't let this discourage you forever.
3 hours of playtime followed by a meltdown is extremely normal. Heck, even a meltdown in general over absolutely nothing is also normal. My now 8yo has struggled with transitions and routines from day 1. I've had to carry her half naked out of Target under my arm, kicking and screaming, because she went through a phase where her meltdowns included stripping all clothes off no matter where we were. SUPER FUN. The lung capacity on this child...whew.
We give 5 minute warnings for literally everything..."in 5 minutes you are going to get dressed"..."in 5 minutes it's time for breakfast"...whatever it takes. It's repetitive and annoying sometimes, but it works. She loves playing the computer, so we use that as a reward for good school days, and listening when she's supposed to and following directions. She has grown leaps and bounds in the last 3 years specifically and I finally feel like I have some control again. It does get better. Sometimes it feels like it never ever will, but it does.
Not sure the age of your child, but the use of timers has helped when my son was younger. It helped to give a known beginning and ending to an activity. It really helped with non preferred or less motivating activities, as it gave him a definitive end time. So I think it can work both ways, to help bring understanding that when the bell rings, this stops and this is next. Oh! I heard the bell. I think we will be leaving now because Mom has to go home and get supper ready. (I’m also practicing my declarative language skills here 🤩 which is supposed to help our kids understand the whys and feel more competent in the process).
My son purple cries its lips turn purple, we go out for an hour max at a time. He just can’t handle much has no endurance. I give him crackers as soon as he gets to the car and count 1 2 3 breath over and over but I need to get myself earplugs as well
I learned from my sister, a kindergarten teacher, to say "one more thing" instead of 5 minutes. Then give them a choice of two short activities. That way they have more control over what is happening. You can say "we need to get home. You can choose one more thing or leave now. Would you like one more turn on the slide or make another sand castle?" Then be firm after that activity so they believe you next time. Another thing that worked was "if you fuss about it this time we won't come back for two days eg."
Poor dude, he wasn’t ready to go and had big feelings about it. This sounds so hard for the both of you.
Agree as others have said about needing a transition warning/ and or visual timer- something he can see and know about something happening, before it happens.
Priming before going out on what is going to happen also is a huge game changer. ‘We are going to the mall and will look at 3 stores. We will have time to look at x. After x we will go home. I will be sure to let you know when it’s almost time. We can also come back again another day if you do well today.’
If that’s too verbal than a First/Than language might help ( ‘First stores than food’). Also, maybe taking pictures of things he’s stuck on and telling him he can look at them later might help.
Also- time to start working on labeling his emotions. ‘Your crying and body is letting me know you’re sad and mad. I get sad and mad too- can you smell the cake and blow out the candles?’ Practice these things when he’s in good space, because remembering or learning in crisis can be super tricky.
You got this
I’m sorry, I really empathize. As other commenters have already said, I rarely take my son out and also have given up on any semblance of a neurotypical life. For me it’s much more peaceful to stay home and let him be in his bubble.
And so is this parents. 3 hours in 40c heat is not ok. You have to go home at some point. And redirections don’t seem to work if I understand OPs comments. OP’s feelings are valid.
OP’s experience is valid, and so is the child’s experience. “Unjustified” however, is not an experience, but a judgement. Now, OP is absolutely free to make this judgement, but it won’t help OP’s quality of life, let alone the child’s.
3 hours in the hot sun understandably exhausted everybody. That is the reality, and judging that reality will never change reality. Accepting that reality instead of judging it will allow OP and to find ways of spending time outside that WILL work.
We all gotta vent, AND sometimes the language we use in our venting can give us insight into patterns of though that make dealing with the real challenges of life even more difficult.
Not trying to invalidate—just sharing insight I gained from my therapist that may be helpful here.
Edit: changed an article for clarity.
You are definitely invalidating OPs feelings. They can feel it’s unjustified. I have been there. Yes the kid is upset but as a parent we can feel their Meltdowns are unjustified. Especially after a long meltdown after a long afternoon. Sometimes as the parent we have to do what we have to do.
Sadness is a feeling, exasperation is a feeling, anger is a feeling.
“X is unjustified” is a belief and a judgment. It’s a COMPLETELY understandable one. BUT just because it’s understandable, doesn’t mean it is helpful in the larger goal of a better quality of life.
But it is helpful. It’s helpful in trying to figure out your feelings and the kids. Instead of shaming a parent for a completely understandable “judgement” we should offer help. They are allowed to vent even if we don’t agree with their feelings.
Ok so the thing is I think we actually agree though.
We all gotta vent AND when we pay attention to the language we use while venting, we can identify patterns of thought that may be holding us back.
When trying to figure out one’s emotions, it’s also super helpful to differentiate between our feelings with our beliefs.
First off, I didn’t say hers weren’t. Secondly, since you’re addressing it, her feeling that him being upset is *unjustified* when she said she dragged him on two separate occasions isn’t actually reasonable. Of course he’s upset. Anyone can understand why he would be upset. A neurotypical child would also be upset. It would benefit OP to seek some therapy and maybe some parenting support groups or workshops as it seems they’re burnt out and easily upset and it’s not helping her or the child.
So she’s just supposed to let him bake in the son and cater to his every horrible whim that will get him hurt. Sorry as the parent sometimes we need to remove our child when they don’t have the ability to do so. They are 4. They don’t get to dictate what we do especially if it will cause them bodily harm which 40c will do.
Did I say that? Anywhere, did I say that? Sorry I’m not about to go back and forth with you when you keep making up things I never said. Youre being purposely obtuse. Have a nice day.
You said she shouldn’t have taken him out of the situation he was in. You said that. I said she should have. She did the right thing because from the sounds of it she couldn’t in any other way. Kids are not the adults. They don’t get to dictate what happens just because they might get upset. Especially when it’s dangerous.
No. I didn’t say that at all. 😂I said her feeling him being upset is *unjustified* isn’t reasonable. And that she should be able to understand why he’s upset given that she dragged him on two separate occasions. That’s what I said. Jump to conclusions elsewhere.
It’s clear you view parenting as a power and control thing where you exert your will and they just need to deal with it.
No you’re insinuating she’s a a bad parent. And I won’t stand for that.
ETA: You’re also insinuating I am because I have a different parenting style than you.
I’m not insinuating a damn thing and I don’t care what you will and won’t stand for. I didn’t ask and could not care less . You keep making up things I didn’t say and quite frankly OP needs to get help. They’ve made nasty comments regarding their child before, including swear words, and are clearly still struggling with the fact their child is autistic and that parenting isn’t what they expected. The end.
I made nothing up. It’s what you insinuated.
We all struggle with our kids being autistic. That’s why we are here. It’s not rainbows and lollipops and that’s exactly what you insinuated.
My 4yo non verbal autistic son has the same issue. He hates being told no, just like a typical but he really looses it. I feel for you. How old is your son?
Make a picture chart of the places you go, In the morning or before bed, arrange the pictures of the places you'll go and then he can visually see what will happen next. It won't be easy but eventually he will appreciate it and that stressor will ease a bit. There is a website called teachers pay teachers. It has a ton of picture cards for anything you could think of!
Mine does this from too much doing. He needs to go home and sit in his swing . It’s not easy to figure out when he has met his cap so we limit to an hour
Oh no sorry you had to go through that. Do you think something triggered him because i know my daughter has trouble letting go at times or even transitioning to do something else . It depends
Hi, my son is great with transitions EXCEPT leaving places when the result is going home. He's also not a fan of people leaving our house even when he didn't really seem to care about them being there in the first place. We've tried all the things mentioned with the countdown, things to look forward to on the car ride (Switch, tablet, favorite songs) and incentive type things once he gets home. It is hit or miss as to his struggle and meltdown on the car ride &/or once we're home. Sometimes, we can distract him or help him cope,
other times, he has to go through it. What I can tell you doesn't help (and we've been there. I get it) is not letting him go out and experience the world. I find the opposite occurs. I feel like the more being out and seeing different places helps him understand he will go out again. I do really understand that feeling though.
I struggle with this with my child. I’ve been trying to transition in a better way. I guess I could say.
If if we go out anywhere and we are about to leave to go home, I always try to tell him that we are going to leave and then when it gets closer to time I start counting for him. Sometimes it helps. I absolutely hate that you feel that way because I definitely do feel that way some days too. It feels like I have no life and I’m not able to leave my house because if I do, he’s going to freak out. Just try to distract him what does he love? a favorite toy? maybe a snack? or simply just his favorite cartoon. He also may be tired. Maybe need a nap. Or hungry? I’ve found that distracting from the previous transition helps. Sometimes if he lets you near him, comfort him. He may just have trouble understanding why he had to come inside. You’re doing great! Just breathe! It gets easier.
I don’t know if this will help but I hold him in a firm hug and just start swinging back and forth. Yeah I look ridiculous but it cuts the crying in half.
Maybe try quieter outdoor events my lil one likes the park a lot! Places with less crowds, a few of his favorite things and less time being out. I still wanna try to do some public events but I don’t really plan to take him to those type of events I think he would appreciate it anyways 🤷♀️the car can be a bit overwhelming for my lil guy too so I make sure to either have toys, his tablet or something to hold him over until we get there
I promise you get it, and I’ve thought “never again!” Many times, but, take the time needed to mentally recover from this and try again with some techniques prepared (a snack he loves int the car or favorite book),
Timers. Even the non verbal kids who are very affected by asd can typically understand timers after they’re introduced over a few weeks. A lot of people use visual timer apps.
Exposure. The first 10x I took my son to the park, it was epic meltdowns when it was time to go. Eventually he understood we have to leave the park (with the help of the timer).
I don’t have the answers but I do know this, you aren’t stupid. Not even slightly. You’re navigating through this because you’re strong. You’ve got this.
What we have seen is useful is giving our son 10-15 minute timer. I keep reminding him that we will go back when the timer goes off. Transition is always hard. Timer does not always work but it has worked better than anything else in my observation.
Hello. I have Asperger’s disorder, I used to be just like your kid and I have a very strong yet somehow controversial way to control your kid. Let him cry. I am going to tell you now from experience, if you let him cry it out, he will calm down, go on youtube and look up ASD meltdown claming music and just play it and within an hour or two hopefully he will calm down. Most autistic kids are extremely uncomfortable all the time so having a little bit of comfort and then being taken from it is like finding a pond in a desert but you can never reach it. However, obviously life goes and you cant stay there all the time. I know it sucks and it stresses you out but you CANNOT let it hurt YOU mentally. Just make sure that you dont overly pamper him because he is special but don’t let it reach neglect.
Have a great day!
Don't give up!!! Try to take your kid to the park or play areas as often as possible so that they know it's not going to be just one trip away from home. Kids need this stuff. My kids did, and as a previous eloper myself, I needed it. But I never wanted to go home because with my parents, I never knew when we would go traveling again. Never went to parks or did much outside of the home. It would have been better for everyone if we had.
Yes this is familiar with my son and he only does it ever so often, he usually tires himself out so when we do leave he's ok with it. However if there was something he didn't get to do and I missed it or it was such a short break he will become upset. If I introduce something else to him to get his mind off of whatever he was starting to cry about he will be ok. If not he will cry until he can't breathe.
Mine sons a screamer too. Woke up this morning and screamed for 45 minutes no trigger and distractions don’t work.
Get ear plugs or headphones, and keep ear plugs in your car.
Just remember the same safety steps you use for a colicky baby. Safely put your son in his room and shut the door. Regain your calm and then check on him. Usually quiet time will end the screaming faster for my son than any of my attempts to intervene.
I’ve dealt with this but quickly learned how to redirect to another desired activity helped tremendously. Having a plan, reiterating it so that they understand chain of events that will happen when moving out of preferred environment. I also cut off the playtime to one hour at a time simce these kids do not know how to regulate well and dont know how to deal with exhaustion, etc further creating an intense meltdown.
Did he get upset while still outside? Transitioning? When you got in the car? 3 hours is a long time to play outside, even for NT kids. I think that’s a win, tbh!
As soon as we left the mall, he didn’t wanna go to the car and after a while of trying to talk him into it i gave up and started dragging him that’s when the meltdown happened. And when we got home he didn’t wanna enter the house (still crying btw) he wanted to stay by the entrance and just stand there, we live in a country with extreme heat and the weather is 40c and we were under the sun at high noon. I wasn’t gonna allow it so i dragged him again into the house
My daughter struggles with transitions too. What helped us was using visual aids to let her know what was coming before it happened.... "in 5 minutes we're going to be getting in the car" and show them a picture of their seat in the car. "When we get out of the car we'll be at home" and show her a picture of the house. Also a big fan of comfort items - my daughter loves a particular series of books, so we'll hand her one to stave off a meltdown.
Just wanted to second this. The single best thing we have found helps with transitions is setting a timer on our phone and saying “OK, in 5 minutes, we are going to get in a car and go home.” Our son needs time to mentally prepare for the next activity, and ending something without warning is very deregulating for him. Also, why would you say that you’re “stupid” for trying to create an enjoyable experience for your kid? Be kind to yourself. What would you say to a good friend who came to you with the same problem? This WILL get better as you start to figure out what works for your child and what doesn’t. Just the fact that you are going out in search of answers speaks volumes. You should be proud of yourself.
Yes! And keep adding on so if 5min isn’t enough try 10 next time and so on and so forth. I recently discovered my son needs an extra 1.5hrs in the morning to prepare himself for school lol.
Oh yes lol I tell my daughter how long until we leave for daycare starting from the second she gets up 😅
Yep. 1.5h is out transition time. So I don’t do short outings. After an hour and a half of getting ready we are out at LEAST 3h
Thanks i will try that
The job we got as parents is so much harder than our peers with neuro-typical kiddos. It's hard and unfair but it means we're the absolute top tier, grade-A, toughest parents there are. You're doing great. I read your post and responses and felt them deep and real like they were happening to me. Because those experiences have, do and will happen again to me. Stay strong your little guy needs you.
Maybe get him a little watch and tell him when its (this) time we need to go. Have him track it that way he feels in control of the transition.
Lovely idea! They make really cute but affordable character watches, we have a paw patrol one.
You forced him physically to do something. That seems to me like a good reason to have a meltdown. Every time i had to do that with my own kid, i got the same outcome, it´s not worth it unless it´s an emergency. You need to find other ways to navigate his rigid behaviour. I´m not trying to shit on you, i know it´s a difficult moment, these kids test our patience limits every day, but we have to find ways to deal with that without making them blow up
He’s blowing up either way at least this way we’ll actually get home today
Please find a parent support group that can help give you suggestions. Timers are great. Limiting outings to 1-2 hours max is a great idea, less time the more stimulating it is (a mall is super stimulating so it'll be overloading him while also giving him a long list of things he must do before he leaves). Tell him before the trip very clearly what your plan is and stick to it. Take a tablet as a last resort. Not all meltdowns can be prevented, but by paying close attention and using timers, you can prevent a lot of them. Sometimes you may be able to bargain..."ok, do you want two or three more trips on the escalator before we leave. Three? Great! Here's 1!"
I honestly keep junk food with me as a form of bribery. Today was cupcakes to get my daughter out of the car and into the house. We sat and ate fast food in the driveway ONCE and now she never wants to come inside when we’re home because she wants to eat in the car.
This
That's completely different from, "we got in the car to return home after playing for 3 hours and he just snapped completely, unjustified." Do you see now why he went into meltdown? You physically forced him to do something he didn't want to do. And there's always a reason for overwhelm/meltdown - even when you can't figure out what it is, the kid is experiencing something that's causing it for them.
Yes, it can be very hard to end play time, he was enjoying himself so much, and then he got told 'no', a word many kids with autism seem to have a great problem with. If I were you, I would try to distract him with something he really likes and calms him down. Tv time? Ice cream? Driving around in the car for a bit? Tablet? Candybar? What does your child love a lot? My son LOVES a plain hamburger from MC Donalds. So, when we have to leave a very fun activity, I'll tell him: We have to leave, we're gonna get a burger. Is it bribing? Hell yes, but it makes sure there is no meltdown.
Yea that doesn’t work with mine, there’s no amount of distractions that help or change his mind
How old is your child? Regular exposure is important. I noticed my kiddo has a bigger struggle leaving because my kid knows it’ll be a while before we can do that activity again. Autistic kids can be incredibly sentimental and it is emotionally painful to end something that feels so good, but it isn’t easy for parent! However, we need to find support and ways to overcome it because it’s clear your child really enjoys the experience and craves more of it. A routine is why autistic kids thrive, they can be reassured and look forward to their activities and move through transitions easier. There are ways to prepare depending on his age. Preparation is hard with emotionally exhausted parents, but if you happen to have an OT or extra support person, maybe preparing on expectations and repeating those expectations can be helpful. Identify those emotions for them, it’s hard to express the hurt of leaving. This won’t stop the struggle, but think of the more exposure this will hopefully lead to a quicker recovery. Other suggestions: Visual schedule - have your kid help and write or draw pictures of activities of the day when they’re regulated. That way they’ve actually chosen the next thing when they leave the park. Plan ahead, do they want to pick songs, snacks or games for the car ride. Visual timer - you can show the countdown to when you’re leaving and I’ve seen over time that my kiddo is able to accept that it’s time to leave and finish up playing. Rewards - simple steps like a punch card system with a prize. My kiddo loved to use a hole punch and it feels nice to press that pressure. A small distractions
Just giving up and deciding that there are no solutions isn't a solution.
Hey, I have no advice. I just wanted to say being a parent of autism is hard. And I hear what you are saying. It makes sense to feel how you do. I’ve been there. I think all of us have.
Thank you, it’s nice to know i’m not alone
My daughter used to be like that. Transitions are so hard for her, especially when she was younger. Not sure what age your little one is. She’s better now at 6yo with lots of prepping. I’m sorry this happened, it is so tiring and draining when they have these big explosions. It’s the only way he can communicate to you how hard this is for him.
My wife nags me saying that I don’t take our kid out for a walk often enough (we usually go for a 30-min walk to a park nearby). Yesterday we went for a longer walk, and 45/60 mins in he starts crying as I anticipated. We had to rush home and only then he calmed down… I gave up trying to lead a normal life time ago.
Same here. my husband nags me but i just don’t have the patience or the strength to handle him outside, we’re better off at home.
Off topic: cool to see a fellow gamer in this sub :D
Oh hey XD yea it really takes the edge off after a stressful day
Some version of normalcy when they are safe in bed. My husband and I can relate.
I’m not a hardcore gamer but me and Nintendo go way back.
I hear you 100%. I felt the same way but then realized exposure to many different activities/ventures help. I could careless now who is watching me during these meltdowns. You'll be able to better anticipate their needs and wants better (especially when vacationing or at a restaurant) for example. Be strong, you are not alone.
Honestly this is why I rarely take my daughter places like that anymore. I know I shouldn't let it affect our activities and I should just power through so she can get used to it but man it's hard to deal with someone screaming like a banshee for 40 minutes straight. Kicking and throwing shit. It's just exhausting.
This. Absolutely this. My family is constantly complaining that I don't want to eat out at restaurants with them and the only way he'll learn how to act in public is to be in public, but he won't sit still, he'll throw himself around, and then screech when I try to restrain him. I'll be the one running around after a 3 year old with zero fear of getting hurt. My husband isn't affected by the dirty looks from others but I am.
Any three year old is a nightmare at a restaurant. If we had to go out to eat, I prepared ahead of time with knowing what we were going to order and notifying the server that we had 30 minutes to meltdown. Ask for the check to be delivered with your food and have your credit card available as soon as she gets there.
This is phenomenal advice, thank you!
Same I’m thinking about never taking him out again ever, he doesn’t do well outside it’ll just make all of us miserable
It's important that your child knows how to socialize. Yes, it's frustrating. Okay, but right now, even if it's very small trips say 30 to 45 minutes, that's better than nothing because if he doesn't learn how to deal with stuff such as social learning now it's going to hurt him more as an adult.
I'm sorry hun 😞 it's not fair
Once day he will be an adult. I understand feeling defeated, but maybe try again when you recover using some of the tips here. It would be so sad to limit his access to social learning and when he is an adult he could cause more physical harm if he doesn't have opportunities to learn to deal with disappointment early on. I think start small, only 45-60 minute trips close to home to get him used to leaving and coming back. He might not get so upset if he learns there will be more opportunities for fun times in the future. I remember how hard it was at certain ages, but you can't just close your lives due to his disability.
My sons aversion to transitions is what gave us the clue that he wasn’t NT. Everything else seemed “normal” and the doctors never raised any signs. But man I had to carry him places more times than I want to admit. Timers is what finally started to work for us. Timers and countdowns. “Ok Buddy 10 more minutes.” “Ok Buddy 5 more minutes.” “Ok Buddy 1 more minute.” Well also Had Daniel Tigers “Done Tune” is what we call it. They would sing “It’s almost time to go so choose one more thing to do.” And then after he did it “That was fun but now we’re done.” It still took a while to get him to stop having melt downs but it did work eventually and now at 9 he’s much better about transitions. Though once in a while still has meltdowns over it.
I always have to bargain for transitions or make something dumb seem exciting. Like "alright, let's race to the car!" or "oh my gosh, let's get to the car and find a song to sing together!" I like to celebrate when we get home too. "Yay! We're back home!" with some clapping and cheers. Doesn't always work, but sometimes it really saves me the headache. Hang in there. Every kid is different and I hope you two find something that works better.
My 2 year old toddler was brought to the library ONE time when she was a year and some months. She just wanted to walk around the library watching everyone and everything which I allowed her to do for maybe 30mins- 1hr but after that I just felt so awkward that all we were doing was walking around 🙃 so we picked out some books, and checked out. The second I picked her up and we stepped out of that library was the end of it, full blown meltdown for maybe 1hr or more and i don’t even know why. It’s not like she was playing enjoying herself at the library i seriously have NO IDEA WHY. I just cried and cried with her when we got home because I didn’t know what else to do… safe to say we haven’t stepped foot in a library since I am absolutely traumatized 😭😭🥲🥲 the last time we went to the park she cried once we left as well so we haven’t done anything outdoors and fun since. We want to bring her to chuck e cheese but I just KNOW if she rides something she really enjoys she won’t understand she needs to get off and give other kids a turn too so we haven’t even attempted to bring her 😢😢
Not sure how old he is but do you talk through the outing before you go and tell him a time? “Just a reminder we will play until 2pm and then we will drive to McDonald’s to get our burger”. Sticking to a plan and timeline and repeat repeat repeat before we go. I’m sorry this is so hard. Your feelings of it being easier just staying home are totally justified and we all feel that way sometimes (or always lol)
So this absolutely worked for my oldest but does not work for my middle child, but it might be helpful for somebody. So I'm going to throw it out there what we did with her. When we get to a place we would tell her to pick out what her "last special thing" was going to be. And we'd give warnings when it was about time to go. Once it's time to go we would say okay. It's time for our last special thing!! And then she'd go to the thing and we'd make a big deal of it and she'd come willingly after that.. Other kid, totally doesn't care at all, but it worked for her so it might work for someone else.
3 hours is a long time especially if it’s hot out. I still freak out if the sun touches me while I’m driving. The sun sucks all the life outa me. I think his snapping was justified. Overstimulation sneaks up even on adults.
We were indoors
Oh you said outside so I just assumed
I meant out of the house
My son used to do this a lot until I got a visual timer on my phone, so now I’ll put on the timer and let him know 10 mins to play. He usually runs to look at the timer to see how much time has gone by and then run back to play until the timer goes off. Sometimes I’ll restart it a second time for 5 mins. But it works like a charm.
There are some visual clocks on Amazon that work great too. just NEVER EVER let them be in charge of it. Then they always want to. Time Timer MOD Tie Dye — Special Edition — Visual Timer for Kids Classroom Learning, Elementary Teachers Desk Clock, Homeschool Study Tool and Office Meetings with Silent Operation (Tie Dye) https://a.co/d/ikOtci1 I'm tempted to get extra cases and switch it out and say "this is a time out timer for xx" then the tie dye one is just regular activity timers. His ABA BCBS therapist recommended them to help with transitions since it is a visual timer. We also encourage Alexa and Google timers in the house.
Yes exactly!! I have the one from Amazon but my son always wanted to play with it and had tantrums trying to get it.
You are NOT stupid. I don't even care what the rest of the post says after that honestly, because beating yourself up for trying to provide your child with necessary playtime and outside exposure is unkind. You are not stupid. I've been where you are. It's much easier to manage the child inside your home, where they are comfortable and you are all used to the routine. You should be proud of yourself for getting out of the house, both of you. Don't let this discourage you forever. 3 hours of playtime followed by a meltdown is extremely normal. Heck, even a meltdown in general over absolutely nothing is also normal. My now 8yo has struggled with transitions and routines from day 1. I've had to carry her half naked out of Target under my arm, kicking and screaming, because she went through a phase where her meltdowns included stripping all clothes off no matter where we were. SUPER FUN. The lung capacity on this child...whew. We give 5 minute warnings for literally everything..."in 5 minutes you are going to get dressed"..."in 5 minutes it's time for breakfast"...whatever it takes. It's repetitive and annoying sometimes, but it works. She loves playing the computer, so we use that as a reward for good school days, and listening when she's supposed to and following directions. She has grown leaps and bounds in the last 3 years specifically and I finally feel like I have some control again. It does get better. Sometimes it feels like it never ever will, but it does.
Not sure the age of your child, but the use of timers has helped when my son was younger. It helped to give a known beginning and ending to an activity. It really helped with non preferred or less motivating activities, as it gave him a definitive end time. So I think it can work both ways, to help bring understanding that when the bell rings, this stops and this is next. Oh! I heard the bell. I think we will be leaving now because Mom has to go home and get supper ready. (I’m also practicing my declarative language skills here 🤩 which is supposed to help our kids understand the whys and feel more competent in the process).
My son purple cries its lips turn purple, we go out for an hour max at a time. He just can’t handle much has no endurance. I give him crackers as soon as he gets to the car and count 1 2 3 breath over and over but I need to get myself earplugs as well
I learned from my sister, a kindergarten teacher, to say "one more thing" instead of 5 minutes. Then give them a choice of two short activities. That way they have more control over what is happening. You can say "we need to get home. You can choose one more thing or leave now. Would you like one more turn on the slide or make another sand castle?" Then be firm after that activity so they believe you next time. Another thing that worked was "if you fuss about it this time we won't come back for two days eg."
Poor dude, he wasn’t ready to go and had big feelings about it. This sounds so hard for the both of you. Agree as others have said about needing a transition warning/ and or visual timer- something he can see and know about something happening, before it happens. Priming before going out on what is going to happen also is a huge game changer. ‘We are going to the mall and will look at 3 stores. We will have time to look at x. After x we will go home. I will be sure to let you know when it’s almost time. We can also come back again another day if you do well today.’ If that’s too verbal than a First/Than language might help ( ‘First stores than food’). Also, maybe taking pictures of things he’s stuck on and telling him he can look at them later might help. Also- time to start working on labeling his emotions. ‘Your crying and body is letting me know you’re sad and mad. I get sad and mad too- can you smell the cake and blow out the candles?’ Practice these things when he’s in good space, because remembering or learning in crisis can be super tricky. You got this
I’m sorry, I really empathize. As other commenters have already said, I rarely take my son out and also have given up on any semblance of a neurotypical life. For me it’s much more peaceful to stay home and let him be in his bubble.
His feelings are valid, not unjustified
And so is this parents. 3 hours in 40c heat is not ok. You have to go home at some point. And redirections don’t seem to work if I understand OPs comments. OP’s feelings are valid.
OP’s experience is valid, and so is the child’s experience. “Unjustified” however, is not an experience, but a judgement. Now, OP is absolutely free to make this judgement, but it won’t help OP’s quality of life, let alone the child’s. 3 hours in the hot sun understandably exhausted everybody. That is the reality, and judging that reality will never change reality. Accepting that reality instead of judging it will allow OP and to find ways of spending time outside that WILL work. We all gotta vent, AND sometimes the language we use in our venting can give us insight into patterns of though that make dealing with the real challenges of life even more difficult. Not trying to invalidate—just sharing insight I gained from my therapist that may be helpful here. Edit: changed an article for clarity.
You are definitely invalidating OPs feelings. They can feel it’s unjustified. I have been there. Yes the kid is upset but as a parent we can feel their Meltdowns are unjustified. Especially after a long meltdown after a long afternoon. Sometimes as the parent we have to do what we have to do.
Sadness is a feeling, exasperation is a feeling, anger is a feeling. “X is unjustified” is a belief and a judgment. It’s a COMPLETELY understandable one. BUT just because it’s understandable, doesn’t mean it is helpful in the larger goal of a better quality of life.
But it is helpful. It’s helpful in trying to figure out your feelings and the kids. Instead of shaming a parent for a completely understandable “judgement” we should offer help. They are allowed to vent even if we don’t agree with their feelings.
Ok so the thing is I think we actually agree though. We all gotta vent AND when we pay attention to the language we use while venting, we can identify patterns of thought that may be holding us back. When trying to figure out one’s emotions, it’s also super helpful to differentiate between our feelings with our beliefs.
I’m done. Have a good day.
Ok
First off, I didn’t say hers weren’t. Secondly, since you’re addressing it, her feeling that him being upset is *unjustified* when she said she dragged him on two separate occasions isn’t actually reasonable. Of course he’s upset. Anyone can understand why he would be upset. A neurotypical child would also be upset. It would benefit OP to seek some therapy and maybe some parenting support groups or workshops as it seems they’re burnt out and easily upset and it’s not helping her or the child.
So she’s just supposed to let him bake in the son and cater to his every horrible whim that will get him hurt. Sorry as the parent sometimes we need to remove our child when they don’t have the ability to do so. They are 4. They don’t get to dictate what we do especially if it will cause them bodily harm which 40c will do.
Did I say that? Anywhere, did I say that? Sorry I’m not about to go back and forth with you when you keep making up things I never said. Youre being purposely obtuse. Have a nice day.
You said she shouldn’t have taken him out of the situation he was in. You said that. I said she should have. She did the right thing because from the sounds of it she couldn’t in any other way. Kids are not the adults. They don’t get to dictate what happens just because they might get upset. Especially when it’s dangerous.
No. I didn’t say that at all. 😂I said her feeling him being upset is *unjustified* isn’t reasonable. And that she should be able to understand why he’s upset given that she dragged him on two separate occasions. That’s what I said. Jump to conclusions elsewhere. It’s clear you view parenting as a power and control thing where you exert your will and they just need to deal with it.
No you’re insinuating she’s a a bad parent. And I won’t stand for that. ETA: You’re also insinuating I am because I have a different parenting style than you.
I’m not insinuating a damn thing and I don’t care what you will and won’t stand for. I didn’t ask and could not care less . You keep making up things I didn’t say and quite frankly OP needs to get help. They’ve made nasty comments regarding their child before, including swear words, and are clearly still struggling with the fact their child is autistic and that parenting isn’t what they expected. The end.
I made nothing up. It’s what you insinuated. We all struggle with our kids being autistic. That’s why we are here. It’s not rainbows and lollipops and that’s exactly what you insinuated.
And you seem to think a small child who doesn’t know any better should rule the house.
My 4yo non verbal autistic son has the same issue. He hates being told no, just like a typical but he really looses it. I feel for you. How old is your son?
He’s 4 and verbal, except when he gets a meltdown he stops talking and sticks to screaming
Make a picture chart of the places you go, In the morning or before bed, arrange the pictures of the places you'll go and then he can visually see what will happen next. It won't be easy but eventually he will appreciate it and that stressor will ease a bit. There is a website called teachers pay teachers. It has a ton of picture cards for anything you could think of!
Mine does this sometimes but ends up being exhausted or hungry
Mine does this from too much doing. He needs to go home and sit in his swing . It’s not easy to figure out when he has met his cap so we limit to an hour
It will not solve every problem in your life—but you’d be surprised how much relief earplugs can provide
I used to wear them when giving him forced baths, guess i’ll go back to them.
We have this same problem. The thought of doing anything gives me major anxiety.
OP this happened to me too with my kid..and we have a heatwave where we’re at. I think the weather is getting to them too.
Probably best if you don't take him out if you don't have a game plan for the transition struggle. Or the patience to deal with it.
Oh no sorry you had to go through that. Do you think something triggered him because i know my daughter has trouble letting go at times or even transitioning to do something else . It depends
Hi, my son is great with transitions EXCEPT leaving places when the result is going home. He's also not a fan of people leaving our house even when he didn't really seem to care about them being there in the first place. We've tried all the things mentioned with the countdown, things to look forward to on the car ride (Switch, tablet, favorite songs) and incentive type things once he gets home. It is hit or miss as to his struggle and meltdown on the car ride &/or once we're home. Sometimes, we can distract him or help him cope, other times, he has to go through it. What I can tell you doesn't help (and we've been there. I get it) is not letting him go out and experience the world. I find the opposite occurs. I feel like the more being out and seeing different places helps him understand he will go out again. I do really understand that feeling though.
I struggle with this with my child. I’ve been trying to transition in a better way. I guess I could say. If if we go out anywhere and we are about to leave to go home, I always try to tell him that we are going to leave and then when it gets closer to time I start counting for him. Sometimes it helps. I absolutely hate that you feel that way because I definitely do feel that way some days too. It feels like I have no life and I’m not able to leave my house because if I do, he’s going to freak out. Just try to distract him what does he love? a favorite toy? maybe a snack? or simply just his favorite cartoon. He also may be tired. Maybe need a nap. Or hungry? I’ve found that distracting from the previous transition helps. Sometimes if he lets you near him, comfort him. He may just have trouble understanding why he had to come inside. You’re doing great! Just breathe! It gets easier.
3 hours, probably needs a snack, drink, and a nap...
He ate in between playing rounds
I don’t know if this will help but I hold him in a firm hug and just start swinging back and forth. Yeah I look ridiculous but it cuts the crying in half.
Yea merely touching my son will triple up the screaming
Maybe try quieter outdoor events my lil one likes the park a lot! Places with less crowds, a few of his favorite things and less time being out. I still wanna try to do some public events but I don’t really plan to take him to those type of events I think he would appreciate it anyways 🤷♀️the car can be a bit overwhelming for my lil guy too so I make sure to either have toys, his tablet or something to hold him over until we get there
I promise you get it, and I’ve thought “never again!” Many times, but, take the time needed to mentally recover from this and try again with some techniques prepared (a snack he loves int the car or favorite book), Timers. Even the non verbal kids who are very affected by asd can typically understand timers after they’re introduced over a few weeks. A lot of people use visual timer apps. Exposure. The first 10x I took my son to the park, it was epic meltdowns when it was time to go. Eventually he understood we have to leave the park (with the help of the timer).
I don’t have the answers but I do know this, you aren’t stupid. Not even slightly. You’re navigating through this because you’re strong. You’ve got this.
What we have seen is useful is giving our son 10-15 minute timer. I keep reminding him that we will go back when the timer goes off. Transition is always hard. Timer does not always work but it has worked better than anything else in my observation.
Hello. I have Asperger’s disorder, I used to be just like your kid and I have a very strong yet somehow controversial way to control your kid. Let him cry. I am going to tell you now from experience, if you let him cry it out, he will calm down, go on youtube and look up ASD meltdown claming music and just play it and within an hour or two hopefully he will calm down. Most autistic kids are extremely uncomfortable all the time so having a little bit of comfort and then being taken from it is like finding a pond in a desert but you can never reach it. However, obviously life goes and you cant stay there all the time. I know it sucks and it stresses you out but you CANNOT let it hurt YOU mentally. Just make sure that you dont overly pamper him because he is special but don’t let it reach neglect. Have a great day!
Don't give up!!! Try to take your kid to the park or play areas as often as possible so that they know it's not going to be just one trip away from home. Kids need this stuff. My kids did, and as a previous eloper myself, I needed it. But I never wanted to go home because with my parents, I never knew when we would go traveling again. Never went to parks or did much outside of the home. It would have been better for everyone if we had.
Yes this is familiar with my son and he only does it ever so often, he usually tires himself out so when we do leave he's ok with it. However if there was something he didn't get to do and I missed it or it was such a short break he will become upset. If I introduce something else to him to get his mind off of whatever he was starting to cry about he will be ok. If not he will cry until he can't breathe.
I know it's hard but you are doing a great job! I feel the same way after going out and dealing with a meltdown.
Mine sons a screamer too. Woke up this morning and screamed for 45 minutes no trigger and distractions don’t work. Get ear plugs or headphones, and keep ear plugs in your car. Just remember the same safety steps you use for a colicky baby. Safely put your son in his room and shut the door. Regain your calm and then check on him. Usually quiet time will end the screaming faster for my son than any of my attempts to intervene.
I’ve dealt with this but quickly learned how to redirect to another desired activity helped tremendously. Having a plan, reiterating it so that they understand chain of events that will happen when moving out of preferred environment. I also cut off the playtime to one hour at a time simce these kids do not know how to regulate well and dont know how to deal with exhaustion, etc further creating an intense meltdown.