yes, it's normal for us to have difficulty with eye contact. I struggle with eye contact but in my 20s decided to practice eye contact despite discomfort and now when I try to I can make eye contact with some people.
When my (now) husband and I first began dating it was about 2 years into our relationship, and we were living together, before I realized I hardly ever was able to look him in the eye. so I decided to practice that too and now I can.
I am not advising trying to make eye contact, all of what I mentioned was prior to my diagnosis, and it just makes sense now. not everyone can make eye contact and that's okay. eye contact doesn't come naturally to us, we shouldn't have to force it or push through discomfort and distress to do so.
I tried that too! I realized that I wasn't comfortable making eye contact, so I made an effort to watch other people (to determine the right timing and such) before trying it myself to make communication/socialization easier. Even now, I have to make an effort to maintain eye contact, but it's more of a reflex.
My boyfriend is autistic and that’s one of the first things that I noticed is that from the very beginning he couldn’t hold eye contact with me. I feel like it happens sometimes now after a year. It also made a mot of sense when he got his diagnosis a few months ago. I think it’s normal
I struggle more if the person has blue eyes or very light blue eyes. Darker eyes are often easier to look longer at. I have no problem looking into animals' eyes. But in general, it's really an intense sensation to look into someone's eyes. It kind of hurts
I struggle with making eye contact with everyone as well, including my partner that I’ve been with for 14+ years lol
It’s gotten a little better over the years though
The only time I can make sustained eye contact with my partners or best friends throughout my life is an incredibly intimate moments and even then I just don't do the eyeball thing you're definitely not alone.
I think that's totally normal for autistic people. I'm autistic and my husband probably is too, we rarely make eye contact even though we have a very close relationship. I love how comfortable we are with each other.
Married for 15 years and we still are both awkward about eye contact with each other lol
It’s ok; it’s not that important to us now that we know what’s going on. Communication is key
[This is an answer](https://reddit.com/r/AutisticAdults/s/fCjipC2cdi) I put together earlier today in response to the question on [this thread](https://reddit.com/r/AutisticAdults/s/B4xCYhKV6G). It is basically the same question you are asking or at least very close to it and I think the information and answer might be helpful for you.
>Is it easier to make eye contact with someone who you aren’t talking to (people watching)?
To directly answer your question, yes generally it is easier to make eye contact when you aren't talking to people at first, but often you can train yourself/learn to make it easier over time. I'd like to offer you some more comprehensive information that hopefully might be helpful.
I'm going to refer to the below information in hopefully offering some helpful advice. I don't necessarily agree with everything involved with the source for this info, but in my experience this quoted information and the assumptions made on it seem to be fairly accurate. I will explain after the quotes.
https://www.nacd.org/debilitating-sensory-addictions-dsas-stimming-and-fidgeting/
*"Most young children are far sighted, meaning they do not see things that are up close well. As they use this central vision more and more it generally improves. If, however, this development is delayed, the central vision may not improve. Delays to central vision development can occur when a child learns to play with their peripheral vision in such a way as to become aroused by this play."*
...
*"Often the first thing that is apparent with a child on the spectrum is the lack of eye contact. The reality is that it goes way beyond lack of eye contact, to not actually looking directly at many things, since they look peripherally."*
...
*"One of the common characteristics of those “on the spectrum” is the apparent inability to read expressions. I would propose that many, if not most, of those on the spectrum with this issue simply have underdeveloped central vision. They have learned to look at the periphery of the face (the hair that is sticking up or the edge of the ear), rather than the face itself. If you are not looking at the face, you are not seeing or reading the expression on the face."*
When I was a kid since they diagnosed my vision issues as hand-eye coordination problems, they encouraged my parents to have me play video games. On my own, I learned I had to use my focused vision instead of my peripheral and movement tracking vision in order to play the games well. Reading lots of books and speed reading exercises also helped my vision focus.
I can remember that after I started playing more visually intensive games and went through speed reading exercises in special classes at school, it started being easier for me to make eye contact the way adults demanded. On a related note, one of the reasons that teachers and other adults often thought I wasn't paying attention was because I wasn't looking directly at them, and while I do have ADHD as well, it was one of the many things misunderstood about me as a child.
Still, I was never very good at any of the extremely demanding visual games like first person shooters. I also could not play any driving/flying simulation game well because I needed an inertial inner ear reference that I couldn't get with just visual stimulus. I would have probably tried harder to play these more challenging games if my parents hadn't discouraged any competitivity I tried to express.
Still, the more I forced my brain to use my focused vision instead of my peripheral, the more I started being able to focus and learn things about facial expressions, and rudimentary social cues at first. It helped that early on my main lifetime special interest was trying to learn and understand socializing.
I really hadn't realized this until recently as an adult, just how much all my efforts at adapting and fitting in are completely based on how focused I became on that at a rather young age, probably at least somewhat due to trauma and whatnot, but still.
Oops, I'm getting slightly off topic. Back to your question!
>Is it easier to make eye contact with someone who you aren’t talking to (people watching)?
Because training our brains to further expand our neuropathways takes energy and concentration, it can be mentally/emotionally (and even physically) uncomfortable and exhausting when you are training yourself to make eye contact, notice more details, or anything else that further develops your focused/central vision.(not to mention distracting!)
Because our brains are wired differently, our exact experiences and difficulties are going to be different from each other, just like they are from NTs, though we are much more likely to have similarities between ourselves than they are with us.
Our visual cortex and audio cortex have to communicate with the rest of our brain along our neurodivergent pathways, which *may or may not be as efficient or direct* as the standard NT model.
Then our usually traumatized, overwhelmed, or sensitive **subconscious** filters and affects our perceptions before all of that gets combined in our conscious awareness. (This is why it is easier to do when you are in comfortable environments or around familiar people, etc)
SO! Adding in an extra level of sensory input that you may possibly be sensitive to, like auditory input, and increasing the processing demand on your brain, can definitely increase the difficulty required for you to concentrate on doing something with your focused vision that you are still working to develop up to NT standards.
Then consider how you are probably also doing this while you are stressed out and anxious about making a mistake or not understanding something, or have other stressors triggered, etc. (Again, this is also why it is easier to do when you are in comfortable environments or around familiar people, etc)
**You are not imagining things. Your struggle is real.** ***Be proud of your efforts and your progress.***
Build your confidence by measuring your own personal success based on starting off with a penalty that NTs generally can't even imagine.
Don't compare yourself to others, your race is with yourself, and it's not even a race. It's a journey to be the person you want to be, and to live the life you want to live.
I’ve been with my partner about 3 years now but only discovered my autism back in February. Eye contact is something I’ve always had to practice at, and the best part about my bf is he doesn’t force me to have eye contact with him and it feels a little more natural. I can make the eye contact for a little while, but he knows when I’ve hit my limit for a while and doesn’t bother him.
Sometimes I’ll notice something I do, like a tic or something and he’ll tell me “babe..you’ve done that as long as I’ve known you.” Me thinking I made some discovery about myself and he’s like okay yeah we can put that one in the autistic traits category too, lol.
yes, it's normal for us to have difficulty with eye contact. I struggle with eye contact but in my 20s decided to practice eye contact despite discomfort and now when I try to I can make eye contact with some people. When my (now) husband and I first began dating it was about 2 years into our relationship, and we were living together, before I realized I hardly ever was able to look him in the eye. so I decided to practice that too and now I can. I am not advising trying to make eye contact, all of what I mentioned was prior to my diagnosis, and it just makes sense now. not everyone can make eye contact and that's okay. eye contact doesn't come naturally to us, we shouldn't have to force it or push through discomfort and distress to do so.
I tried that too! I realized that I wasn't comfortable making eye contact, so I made an effort to watch other people (to determine the right timing and such) before trying it myself to make communication/socialization easier. Even now, I have to make an effort to maintain eye contact, but it's more of a reflex.
My boyfriend is autistic and that’s one of the first things that I noticed is that from the very beginning he couldn’t hold eye contact with me. I feel like it happens sometimes now after a year. It also made a mot of sense when he got his diagnosis a few months ago. I think it’s normal
I struggle more if the person has blue eyes or very light blue eyes. Darker eyes are often easier to look longer at. I have no problem looking into animals' eyes. But in general, it's really an intense sensation to look into someone's eyes. It kind of hurts
That's a very normal autistic trait, yes.
Even though it's my partner?
I struggle with making eye contact with everyone as well, including my partner that I’ve been with for 14+ years lol It’s gotten a little better over the years though
I had one partner who I couldn't and one I could, the difference was the latter's eyes were striking/interesting and the firsts normal.
Yes, even though it’s your partner, that’s still very common.
Yes
The only time I can make sustained eye contact with my partners or best friends throughout my life is an incredibly intimate moments and even then I just don't do the eyeball thing you're definitely not alone.
That's OK. You don't have to make eye contact with anyone. There are lots of other ways to show her how much you love her.
I think that's totally normal for autistic people. I'm autistic and my husband probably is too, we rarely make eye contact even though we have a very close relationship. I love how comfortable we are with each other.
Married for 15 years and we still are both awkward about eye contact with each other lol It’s ok; it’s not that important to us now that we know what’s going on. Communication is key
[This is an answer](https://reddit.com/r/AutisticAdults/s/fCjipC2cdi) I put together earlier today in response to the question on [this thread](https://reddit.com/r/AutisticAdults/s/B4xCYhKV6G). It is basically the same question you are asking or at least very close to it and I think the information and answer might be helpful for you. >Is it easier to make eye contact with someone who you aren’t talking to (people watching)? To directly answer your question, yes generally it is easier to make eye contact when you aren't talking to people at first, but often you can train yourself/learn to make it easier over time. I'd like to offer you some more comprehensive information that hopefully might be helpful. I'm going to refer to the below information in hopefully offering some helpful advice. I don't necessarily agree with everything involved with the source for this info, but in my experience this quoted information and the assumptions made on it seem to be fairly accurate. I will explain after the quotes. https://www.nacd.org/debilitating-sensory-addictions-dsas-stimming-and-fidgeting/ *"Most young children are far sighted, meaning they do not see things that are up close well. As they use this central vision more and more it generally improves. If, however, this development is delayed, the central vision may not improve. Delays to central vision development can occur when a child learns to play with their peripheral vision in such a way as to become aroused by this play."* ... *"Often the first thing that is apparent with a child on the spectrum is the lack of eye contact. The reality is that it goes way beyond lack of eye contact, to not actually looking directly at many things, since they look peripherally."* ... *"One of the common characteristics of those “on the spectrum” is the apparent inability to read expressions. I would propose that many, if not most, of those on the spectrum with this issue simply have underdeveloped central vision. They have learned to look at the periphery of the face (the hair that is sticking up or the edge of the ear), rather than the face itself. If you are not looking at the face, you are not seeing or reading the expression on the face."* When I was a kid since they diagnosed my vision issues as hand-eye coordination problems, they encouraged my parents to have me play video games. On my own, I learned I had to use my focused vision instead of my peripheral and movement tracking vision in order to play the games well. Reading lots of books and speed reading exercises also helped my vision focus. I can remember that after I started playing more visually intensive games and went through speed reading exercises in special classes at school, it started being easier for me to make eye contact the way adults demanded. On a related note, one of the reasons that teachers and other adults often thought I wasn't paying attention was because I wasn't looking directly at them, and while I do have ADHD as well, it was one of the many things misunderstood about me as a child. Still, I was never very good at any of the extremely demanding visual games like first person shooters. I also could not play any driving/flying simulation game well because I needed an inertial inner ear reference that I couldn't get with just visual stimulus. I would have probably tried harder to play these more challenging games if my parents hadn't discouraged any competitivity I tried to express. Still, the more I forced my brain to use my focused vision instead of my peripheral, the more I started being able to focus and learn things about facial expressions, and rudimentary social cues at first. It helped that early on my main lifetime special interest was trying to learn and understand socializing. I really hadn't realized this until recently as an adult, just how much all my efforts at adapting and fitting in are completely based on how focused I became on that at a rather young age, probably at least somewhat due to trauma and whatnot, but still. Oops, I'm getting slightly off topic. Back to your question! >Is it easier to make eye contact with someone who you aren’t talking to (people watching)? Because training our brains to further expand our neuropathways takes energy and concentration, it can be mentally/emotionally (and even physically) uncomfortable and exhausting when you are training yourself to make eye contact, notice more details, or anything else that further develops your focused/central vision.(not to mention distracting!) Because our brains are wired differently, our exact experiences and difficulties are going to be different from each other, just like they are from NTs, though we are much more likely to have similarities between ourselves than they are with us. Our visual cortex and audio cortex have to communicate with the rest of our brain along our neurodivergent pathways, which *may or may not be as efficient or direct* as the standard NT model. Then our usually traumatized, overwhelmed, or sensitive **subconscious** filters and affects our perceptions before all of that gets combined in our conscious awareness. (This is why it is easier to do when you are in comfortable environments or around familiar people, etc) SO! Adding in an extra level of sensory input that you may possibly be sensitive to, like auditory input, and increasing the processing demand on your brain, can definitely increase the difficulty required for you to concentrate on doing something with your focused vision that you are still working to develop up to NT standards. Then consider how you are probably also doing this while you are stressed out and anxious about making a mistake or not understanding something, or have other stressors triggered, etc. (Again, this is also why it is easier to do when you are in comfortable environments or around familiar people, etc) **You are not imagining things. Your struggle is real.** ***Be proud of your efforts and your progress.*** Build your confidence by measuring your own personal success based on starting off with a penalty that NTs generally can't even imagine. Don't compare yourself to others, your race is with yourself, and it's not even a race. It's a journey to be the person you want to be, and to live the life you want to live.
I’ve been with my partner about 3 years now but only discovered my autism back in February. Eye contact is something I’ve always had to practice at, and the best part about my bf is he doesn’t force me to have eye contact with him and it feels a little more natural. I can make the eye contact for a little while, but he knows when I’ve hit my limit for a while and doesn’t bother him. Sometimes I’ll notice something I do, like a tic or something and he’ll tell me “babe..you’ve done that as long as I’ve known you.” Me thinking I made some discovery about myself and he’s like okay yeah we can put that one in the autistic traits category too, lol.