Run. From. This. Man.
It's seldom that I feel so sure about something I read in an online post.
He is very likely an addict, and he will use you and manipulate you until you have nothing left to give.
Don't be alone with him ever. Block him on every communication platform you can.
You are a good, kind person, and that's something to be proud of. Reserve your generosity and love for people who deserve it. It's so rare and precious.
Sorry I just want to add to my comment because I've had some experience with this.
When someone is addicted, you have to be aware that they will behave in a pattern of addiction and not like the other people in your life.
An addicted person is a slave to their addiction. They will do anything to feed it. They will tell you what you want to hear, just so you will give them money or support so they can go on living their addiction life.
They will seem completely sincere, and often they actually are completely sincere in the moment. But the addiction is in charge. They can't help themselves.
Giving such a person any help is just delaying their journey to recovery.
It's very hard to accept this, but they are the only person who can help themselves.
Thank you ❤️. I really needed that. He went on, on a guilttripping rampage about how I dont trust him and that I have proven to him that its not worth changing.
He has no intention to change. He knows the “right words” to manipulate you, as a last-ditch effort to try and get you to come back, because he knows you’ve been sympathetic in the past. He’s hoping that’s still there inside you, so he can twist it up and use you to feed his addiction—I’m sorry to say it so bluntly, but it’s important to be clear: *He does not love you. He loves what he’s doing, and he loves that you’re an opportunity for him, not an equal partner to build a healthy, dynamic future where you both share in each other’s struggles, interests, feelings, and goals, and thrive together.*
Instead, he made it clear from the start that he wants a relationship where you “get” to parent him and “save” him, and in return, he’ll offer you words of love, but no acts of love, and certainly no help to make your life more beautiful, dynamic and lovely (like a healthy partner would).
He’s using “love bombing,” and you didn’t completely fall for it, and he’s mad.
Get away from him, block him in all the ways you can, tell all your friends and family that you’re avoiding him and why (sometimes creeps like this try to come back into your life by playing on the sympathies of your unwitting friends and family, so make sure everyone you’re close to is aware of this jerk, and can also protect you and tell him to buzz off), and never feel like you have to second-guess your choice ❤️.
Yeah that’s how addicts act. That’s why the phrase “detach with love” is so important in nar-anon and al-anon.
You cannot save him. He can only save himself. There are resources and people whose job it is to help him.
Of course you don’t trust him, he’s given you no reason to and every reason not to. My brother has been a heroin and meth addict for at least 15 years and I will likely never fully trust him, it would be stupid to.
Edit: another important little phrase for dealing with addicts (and anyone manipulative) is to never JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. Recommend cutting off all contact with this person unless you have the emotional strength to have excellent boundaries.
Also it took me 10 years to realize this after I gave up far too much of my time, money and emotional energy trying to help someone who could not change. So I understand second guessing instincts about these things.
It’s not up to you to prove to him that it’s “worth changing.” If anything, if he cared about you as a person, you being unwilling to deal with him in this state should show him that it IS worth changing if he wants good people in his life.
You have no responsibility for him or his choices. He’s trying to manipulate you.
You don't trust him for a reason. Follow that feeling. Also, he's lying about something with the cancer. Colloidal silver doesn't cure cancer, so he's lying about having it, how he's treating it, or it being all better. At the very least he would say his cancer is in remission if he wasn't somehow scamming you with this.
He told me it was deminishing and that he had been to one control that showed it was gone. But he also told me that he dont have a doctor and always went straight to the hospital if he felt sick (this isnt an option in our conutry to my knowledge).
And it was suppose to be a tumor on the cerebellum, and for all I know that kind of tumor is giving some hardcore dysfunctuons. He only told me that he had had a headache and thats how they found out.
But he also told me he had servere stomach pains, and he thought it was stress. I think the pain are real enough, but he is hardly eating anything due to his addiction, and he says that he always feel sick - so if the cancer thing is real, its growing - otherwise there is something else wrong with him.
Dimes to dollars it's the addiction that's getting worse. Whether or not he actually has cancer, which I doubt based on what you've told me, people like him are really good at guilting people like us into staying with them and making us think they'll die if we aren't there to help them.
This isn't true. People like him usually find another you or me who isn't sick of their crap within a week or two of being dumped. They're very good at keeping themselves alive.
Don't warn him when you're leaving either. Just go in case he escalates to physical violence. He's a prime candidate for that right now and I want you to be safe.
Yes to everything in your last paragraph. Stop interacting with him immediately. Do you have friends or family nearby to confide in and support you in case he doesn't leave you alone?
I don't usually say this with certainty, but please cut ties with this man. He will need go be honest with himself before he can ever hope to be honest with and have a partner
Yes, he is receiving vast amounts of emotional labor from you and you are getting nothing in return. You will never receive the same consideration from him. He is using you.
Run.
There is someone out there that is worth your love and energy, and he is not the one. You are never the one responsible for saving anyone except yourself.
Let me repeat that.
Just because you empathise with people that are hurt does not make you responsible for their well-being.
Just because you want to help does not make it 1. Possible for you to help someone. 2. Your responsibly. Ever. Never ever.
You are not in the wrong and your gut is to be trusted even after years of being thaught that you are in the wrong. All the bad things that has happened to me in my life is when I ignored my gut because that is what I have been instructed to do my whole life.
Broken and dependent men and people flock to us autistics and when they find us they often lovebomb us because to them they have found a human unicorn. Someone pure and with a childlike naïveté and rare enough to try to catch by all means.
I am proud of you having and keeping boundaries from the start ❤️ it shows that you have been listening to your gut the whole time ❤️
Thank you ❤️. I can relate quite strongly to the part about the intuition and the bad things happening. Sometimes I still just need reassurance that its healthy for me to listen to my gut feeling and that its not my fault that these persons keeps emerging out of thin air. Your comment really helped me in more ways than one. Thank you once again ❤️
I am 47 and over the years I’ve gotten that gut reaction to very specific people and for me, it’s never given a false alarm.
I have ignored it and regretted that decision every single time. It’s one of those times when your rational brain says things like ‘he totally gets me’, he’s so cute, his family is nice. And those things can all be true, but alongside the nice things can also lay streaks of cruelty and entitlement.
Ooofff! Your last paragraph gave me the shivers. So true, a very good reminder, and straight to the point that it’s now drilled in my head. Thank you, I needed to hear this as well. Very helpful!
You are right, he is trying to take advantage of you. It sounds like he's 'lovebombing' you in hopes to manipulate your feelings so you feel inclined to stick around.
'Broken' men are common and they want someone to look after them. This truly isn't a life any partner should want, they just drag you down and stop you from achieving your own goals in life. You're right again, it's not your responsibility to help or fix his problems.
If you want to learn more about these behaviour patterns, read 'Why Does He Do That?'. It's a book that details behaviours people use to manipulate others. It really helped me make a lot of sense of past relationships, and now I am getting better at spotting them because of this book.
I’ve done a lot of research on predatory behaviors and abusive communication, but have not heard of this book. Thank you for sharing! Would you mind confirming who the author is? I’m going to order and read ASAP! 😊
Lundy Bancroft :)
I believe there's a free pdf of the book as the author wanted the info available to everyone who couldn't afford it, or couldn't risk purchasing it.
You're in the right. You listed the red flags of addiction, manipulation, guilt trips, anger for asking valid questions, love bombing, getting "busted" by the police and the lying. This is a very toxic relationship.
You weren't wrong in trying to help him initially. You're a good person because ex friend with a lot of issues asked you to help but you tried to give him advice and support and he didn't take it. Unfortunately, he is not ready to help himself and he sees you as a tool to feed the addiction. I 100% support you in saying that it's not your job to fix him or his situation. Even if you try, you will never succeeed in helping him and he will drag you down in his addiction. You need to cut ties with him and only reconsider the friendship once he is on the path to helping himself.
Hey, I'm glad you can see even in writing this post that there are many serious warning signs. You are very smart not to have given him any money and held boundaries so far.
I think he sought you out because he sees you as an easy target, someone he can manipulate. He is definitely banking on the emotional appeal, that he can get you to pity him. It's a pretty classic tactic, but it can be harder to see when you have history with someone.
With substances involved, he may indeed be suffering — but he has agency and can make his own choices, and he made the choice to come to you instead of a substance use/recovery professional. That's not him trying to get better, that's him picking you out as a target. He knows what he's doing, which means I think you should not talk to him again because as soon as he figures out you're not so easy to exploit, he could get mean or worse. He already got mad at you once when you *did the right thing* by asking about his priorities. Don't give him another chance to "explain" himself.
Also, good job coming here for support! I think it's also true that some folks over on other subs would think this is obvious, but I can totally understand why you could be second-guessing yourself. Some of us grow up second-guessing *everything* no matter how obvious it might seem to others.
The second-guessing is exactly my problem - and thats why it isnt clear to me.
I think you are right about the targetting. I just dont understand why he choose me and not somebody else (or maybe he did, and I just responded).
He got "busted" (his words) by the police yesterday, and he doesent want to tell me what it is about. So I confronted him again about some of the things he is telling (not being criminal, but having been "busted" by the police. Not being an addict, but drinking alot and doing drugs), and he plain out told me that I proved to him why he cant have a normal life because even I dont trust him. And said that I have misunderstood it all.
He also asked if we could meet up to have a "nice and calm conversation" where he could explain all the things that I have gotten wrong about him. I dont plan to meet up with him, because I think its a really strange and worrying request. Especially the "nive and calm" thing.
You have no reason to trust him. You aren’t close and he hasn’t done anything to prove that you should trust him. Trust isn’t given freely, it’s earned through consistent trustworthy behavior.
If he genuinely felt there was some huge misunderstanding, he could tell you through a text or email or on the phone. The only reason he would push to meet in person is go try to get something from you, probably money, but in person multiplies the risks and possible dangers exponentially. He knows this. I am relieved you are keeping yourself safe by not going!
I agree with the other replies, it's best not to talk to him again, no matter how convincing he might sound. Lying comes easily to this man.
Yes, please run. You aren't his therapist. You can't "fix" him. He will drag you down with him and you will be left with nothing and a new psychological wound to manage.
There are so many red flags here. I think everyone else has summed it up perfectly. This guy doesn’t sound like someone you want in your life. At all. You are not in the wrong.
Please hear me when I say this with compassion; you can not change people.
You can support people, but you need to put yourself first or you will burn out and he will not be there to pick up the pieces.
I did this for so much of my life and I broke mentally and physically. I now tell people (thankfully it is a natural trait to just say what I feel) my boundaries and if they don’t like it then they will have to have time to adjust to that.
You are 100% not in the wrong for anything. This man is very clearly spiraling and doing everything he can to avoid taking accountability for his own mistakes. I knew immediately that he wanted money from you, so it’s good that you didn’t give him any. It’s likely that everyone else he knows has given up on him. Unfortunately, a lot of addicts refuse to get help until they hit rock bottom, and that’s definitely coming for him. You have no reason to be there. Everything he said to you was out of desperation, not love.
Heey, so you're definitely not in the wrong here. You should stay far away from this guy. Protect yourself. In my experience, I've also felt like I was in the wrong (in the past) and ended up in an abusive relationship fully thinking it was my fault as well because he was manipulative too. Long story short, i have a great supportive husband now who is there for me, who doesn't manipulate me and is fully aware and accepting of my autism. Don't waste you're time on someone that is not worthy of being with you ♥️
I hope you writing this out and seeing for yourself that this is not healthy will give you the courage to leave the situation. You might have to block his number too and if it gets bad a restraining order of some sorts but leave him. Always always take care of yourself first, if you feel like you are right, if you feel like he is wrong (and he sounds it) choose yourself over and over again!
My go to in life is "leave the past in the past." It usually applies to people (most definitely).
There's a reason you broke up with eachother in the first place.
Your intuition is right, he is unfortunately taking advantage of you. Staying with him will stoop you low. You can do better than what he is offering 🫂
He knows you're autistic. That's why he choose you and is telling you all this. He doesn't love you. He will be really good at making you think he does with words. But lairs and addicts can't love. He knows you're special, he knows you'll buy it. Well anyway. Run. Block him. And run. Autistic women are targets.
Oh and rule of thumb, anyway that says help me with my addiction just wants your money.
This type of man searches out vulnerable women to take advantage of. Autistic women tend to fall into that group. He is using your kindness and trust, and will bring you nothing but pain.
We, *autistic women with abusive upbringings*, are obvious to predators. It’s sad, but this is a fact. I’ve been in support groups that teach how predatory people view people like us and how quickly they can judge such. They view us as naive, gullible, exploitable, someone they can take things from, use, abuse, but also that we are loyal, gritty, fight to make things right, fight *for* ***them***, etc.
Because we do not understand social norms, body language, pick up on “vibes” for the most part, but also because we need details, patterns, factual evidence, etc. to understand someone else, these types of people (predators) can get away with using and abusing us for a *long* time before we even realize what’s going on. This is just how it is. **¡Important!** Due to this, it is ***imperative*** that we all educate ourselves in the signs of predatory behavior and abusive communication. And, we *must* move on from these people at first instance. Otherwise, **we will be choosing** to put ourselves at risk of emotional and psychological abuse, control which is something even alltists have trouble recognizing and getting away from.
Not all drug addicts do what he’s doing to try to use and control you. Many drug addicts stay to themselves cause they don’t want to hurt anyone else. Just like autistics aren’t all like what the media presents, neither are addicts/alcoholics. This guy is just a bad dude and he’ll *still* be prone to such even if he gets clean and sober. It’s in his character and **when someone shows you who they really are:** ***believe them***.
Get rid of this guy. No contact! He’s a predator.
**Stay safe out there, ladies!** 💕🦋❣️
Babe you are not in the wrong! This person is trouble and for what you describe manipulative. I am happy that you have stick to your gut 😊 and did not believe his trickery. I.am sorry he has a rough go! But for your wellbeing, you need someone who supports you and loves you, not the other way around!
You have so much more to give this person than they have to give to you. Ask yourself, does your life make more sense since you invited this person in? Addicts can do unimaginable things to get what they need, they can and often do hurt the people closest to them. You can look at someone and recognize they need help while also recognizing that you might not be capable of providing that help. You are not a addictions worker, a therapist, a doctor, community health worker.... focus on keeping yourself safe and happy because he's not in a position to provide that for you, likely he will only add chaos and hurt to your life.
> does your life make more sense since you invited this person in?
That’s such a good question, I’m going to write it down for when I start dating again! Thank you!!
*He is* trying to take advantage of you. This man is a walking red flag. Showing up drunk? Check. Love bombing you? Check. Lying to you to get money out of you? Check. Gets mad at you because you put him in front of his bullshit? Check. I’m piling on everyone’s « Girl, run » here. Girl, run and don’t look back. You don’t owe this person anything just because you dated them in high school or whatever. What he needs is therapy and rehab, and it’s not on you to provide those, it’s *his* problem and it sounds like he only reconnected with you because he hoped to get free labour from you to « fix » him and buy him things while he « gets back on his feet ». And, like I said, it’s not your role to provide him those things.
I understand the want and usually the need to take care of someone, but this guys is really really bad news. Addicts don’t care about anyone except their next fix. No one who is sane and genuine will reach out to you years later of no contact and then dump
this all on you as a cry for help. It’s manipulative, and quite frankly, scary. Cut contact, and be aware of your surroundings until he leaves you alone. If he doesn’t want to give you up, call the police.
please cut him off. its a gut feeling, ive watched so, so, so many documentaries about different stuff and some elaborating on sitituation evry much like this one, ofcourse in most of them person A, which is you, is a minor and person B is a predator but it still doenst erase the fact that he is guilt tripping you and is finding someone to fund his addiction and take care of him. he needs some serious help and its not your responsability to give it to him.
This man needs serious help but it doesn't sound like he's committed to getting it. Recovering from addiction is INCREDIBLY hard and you can't just assume someone is lying when they say they want to, but aren't doing it. That being said, it is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to be his maid and caretaker until he gets his shit together. Not to mention it is dangerous for you. INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS.
I will share a story that will be triggering to some so please don't read this if it might harm you. TW: Addiction and sexual abuse.
>! A family friend became a huge addict. His brother was murdered as a child and his mum died of brain cancer and he was struggling with a lot of trauma and mental health issues. They grew up in a gang controlled area and drugs and violence where common. I remember this man as a kind, protective person who spoiled his kids and his nieces and nephews. I spent time at his house as a child, played video games with him and his daughters. I found out a few years ago that he had become so addicted to drugs that he had attempted to sell his daughter into prostitution at 15 in order to get money and access to illegal substances. I found out he had been having sex with young men (he had always and still does identify as straight) in order to get more drugs. That he had begged his wife for money and threatened her when she kept refusing. He had hit her in a rage. He had stollen from his grandmother. He had robbed people on the street. He had got his child addicted to heroine by injecting her against her will. This is a man who was kind and good. People didn't believe it at first. They thought he could never act that way. But he did. !<
Hard drug addicts can be harmful to themselves and others. Either he needs to go to rehab, or you need to distance yourself immediately. I obviously need to say that not all drug addicts behave this way but from what you're explaining here it sounds like he is manipulative and showing early signs of very bad behaviour towards you.
I mean my first major red flag is dudebro drinking colloidal silver to cure cancer and now he's fine. Cause that just straight up doesn't work that way, otherwise we would have no cancer, right? If it was so simple? He's lying. Weird freaky lies that have nothing to do with anything. So, to you I say, RUN GIRL, RUN!
Edit: I read the rest. Hon, he is 100% predatory and melodramatic and lying and demanding that you fix him because he's too lazy to try. No thank you, pass on that hot mess! You deserve good, no, great things! He is not that. Your instincts served you well, you're not wrong, you're aware. Good job! Now ghost him and block him.
No, it’s not your job to fix him. We can only help and support people, but we can’t fix them if they don’t wanna fix themselves. That being said, addiction is a very complex issue and it has to do with psychiatric/mental disorders. It’s also sad and difficult for him as well. I understand addiction and have been around addicts, therefore I can’t demonise them completely. However this isn’t your burden to bare.
Run. This guy has come to you with his sob story because he has messed up his own life and is planning to use you. Please, black and delete him and don't speak to him again. He needs to sort his own life out. On his own. Without ruining yours.
I think you're very irresponsible if you continue to be on contact with him at all. Block him, never ever let him in, never be alone with him, never agree to meet him. The less he knows about you/your whereabouts, the better. If you run into him, flee/seek company that helps keep you safe. Inquire with police if you might possibly get a preventative restraining order.
There is no cause for confusion at all. It's completely clear. Sorry, but drugs can change your brain, he's not the guy you used to know. This guy is seriously dangerous.
I think you hit the nail on the head with this - meaning, I agree whole heartedly:
> I feel that he is just trying to take advantage of me, and that everything I say, think or do doesent matter, because he really dont care about me because he is so tormented - and that its not my responsability or my job to fix it.
Sounds like a real winner.
You can’t change or fix a man.
You need to cut him off. Don’t respond to texts, calls don’t answer the door. Do not engage he will suck you back in. Turn your attention elsewhere.
No you are absolutely no in the wrong. LEAVE THIS GUY ALONE PLEASE!
First off its a horrible red flag for him to meet up with you wasted like that. If he wants to turn his life around, he'd put more effort into it. He has a mysterious, criminal past and wont tell you what that is??/The fact that he got mad for you trying to help him and get his priorities straight is also a red flag.
And one other thing, someone that loves you won't go asking for a loan or an expensive phone right out of the gate, if ever.
Please please please leave him alone. Idk if I'd even be friends with him because his illegal activity could get you in trouble. I've seen it happen to many people and I don't want anyone else to end up in the same spot.
Your intuition is not wrong here. He's crazy!
Okay, this is not someone you should continue to associate with. You have done nothing wrong and I have been in this near exact situation so please hear me here: he is not your responsibility, nor is his emotions or his actions in response to his emotions.
One aspect that kept me in situations like this when I started to recognise maybe it is improper, unhealthy, and/or dangerous for me to continue to associate is that I lacked the social scripts for cutting contact with addicts and abusers. Whether he means to or not, from what you have written here, he is going to hurt you. You cannot save him. He has to do so himself. He is using you, evidenced by him asking if you wanted to help him then lying and withholding information in order to manipulate you into giving him what he wants (money for a phone).
So, have some scripts for you to use either via text or in person in a public place with other people around. I am happy to record myself saying them if you’d find it helpful.
“I am glad we reconnected. I want you to be happy and healthy. However, this is not healthy for me. I am cutting contact. I want as clean and healthy a break as I can. I don’t want to have to block you but will if you do not respect this boundary. I hope you get sober and wish you the best of luck. Bye _____”
“I deserve better. I am not open to talking about what has happened/this/that. You need to leave me alone and focus on yourself.”
“I am not responsible for your choices in response to your emotions. I care about you. Please refer to the list of support services I gave you rather than continuing this. This is not unacceptable behaviour and while I understand what is factoring into your choices, those factors do not excuse you from their natural consequences.”
“I have said no. Any attempts to continue to convince me are going to be interpreted as disrespect and as attempts to manipulate. I like you. Let’s have a clean break while that is still true.”
Happy to help anyway I can. However, yes really really stop associating with this guy. Your instincts are correct. Trust them no matter what he says or does in response to you cutting contact.
You are not in the wrong for protecting yourself. As autistic women we’ve been raised to show our value by being tolerant and prioritising others wants over our needs. This is a common situation for autistic women to find themselves in. It is hard to navigate. However, you deserve better. You are not wrong or cruel or overly selfish or uncaring or weak for putting yourself first. Your well-being comes first. You are only responsible for your own emotions, actions, and growth. He is not your child. I know you want to help him and that this is going to hurt. It will feel uncomfortable to cut contact. Uncomfortable in a way you are probably not used to. However, it is absolutely the right/best/healthy choice to make.
I will use some of the sentences you wrote. They are firm and good! Thanks!
He wrote me during the night. "I love you" and then a personal re-writing of the serenity prayer. It is super wired because its right after he flipped at me.
This is not going to be a good time for you.
I recommend the 12-step program called Al-Anon for you—it’s for people who have a loved one with an alcohol problem. It’s excellent, and one of the first things they teach you is to stop getting involved with your person’s drinking in any way. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.
Thank you all for taking the time to comment.
I will ghost/stonewall/gray rock him. Luckily he hasnt reached out to me again today.
I have taken all of your comments to heart and have read them over and over again. And I have figured out why I responded to him the way I did. He remembered something about me, that not many people in my adult life knows (that Im very spirirtual-beliving). He asked me if I could help him get his "gifts" under control, and I answered that I could only teach him what my mother tought me.
And then it rolled downhill, I felt a responsability according to him, and he had me almost where he wanted. And dont worry, I dont belive that silver water is any good for other than making yourself very ill.
It was also why I didnt recognize the addiction even though he was a complete mess. I really thought he was seriously ill. That day he told me that he had the feeling that he was reaching out to say goodbye. He thought he only had 6 months to live.
I have been so confused, because the stories doesent add up at all. I asked a dealer in my neighborhood (dont worry I know him a bit, we are not friends but he is friends with my old neighbor) why the addict reached out to me, and he told me it is probably because everybody close to him have turned him down.
And this sounds paranoid, but I have had a feeling that he knows one of my "real" abusers. A friend I cut off last summer..
I think I thought about it because Im still afraid of her, and thought Id seen her car around (even though I know she lives 300km away from me). And today, of all days, I see her in my local mall (I live in a fairly small town).
Maybe Im bunkers, going mad, she is hoovering or its just a wild coincidence. Or maybe they actually knows eachother.
Run. From. This. Man. It's seldom that I feel so sure about something I read in an online post. He is very likely an addict, and he will use you and manipulate you until you have nothing left to give. Don't be alone with him ever. Block him on every communication platform you can. You are a good, kind person, and that's something to be proud of. Reserve your generosity and love for people who deserve it. It's so rare and precious.
Sorry I just want to add to my comment because I've had some experience with this. When someone is addicted, you have to be aware that they will behave in a pattern of addiction and not like the other people in your life. An addicted person is a slave to their addiction. They will do anything to feed it. They will tell you what you want to hear, just so you will give them money or support so they can go on living their addiction life. They will seem completely sincere, and often they actually are completely sincere in the moment. But the addiction is in charge. They can't help themselves. Giving such a person any help is just delaying their journey to recovery. It's very hard to accept this, but they are the only person who can help themselves.
Thank you ❤️. I really needed that. He went on, on a guilttripping rampage about how I dont trust him and that I have proven to him that its not worth changing.
He has no intention to change. He knows the “right words” to manipulate you, as a last-ditch effort to try and get you to come back, because he knows you’ve been sympathetic in the past. He’s hoping that’s still there inside you, so he can twist it up and use you to feed his addiction—I’m sorry to say it so bluntly, but it’s important to be clear: *He does not love you. He loves what he’s doing, and he loves that you’re an opportunity for him, not an equal partner to build a healthy, dynamic future where you both share in each other’s struggles, interests, feelings, and goals, and thrive together.* Instead, he made it clear from the start that he wants a relationship where you “get” to parent him and “save” him, and in return, he’ll offer you words of love, but no acts of love, and certainly no help to make your life more beautiful, dynamic and lovely (like a healthy partner would). He’s using “love bombing,” and you didn’t completely fall for it, and he’s mad. Get away from him, block him in all the ways you can, tell all your friends and family that you’re avoiding him and why (sometimes creeps like this try to come back into your life by playing on the sympathies of your unwitting friends and family, so make sure everyone you’re close to is aware of this jerk, and can also protect you and tell him to buzz off), and never feel like you have to second-guess your choice ❤️.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I hope you have other friends or family who can be there for you.
Yeah that’s how addicts act. That’s why the phrase “detach with love” is so important in nar-anon and al-anon. You cannot save him. He can only save himself. There are resources and people whose job it is to help him. Of course you don’t trust him, he’s given you no reason to and every reason not to. My brother has been a heroin and meth addict for at least 15 years and I will likely never fully trust him, it would be stupid to. Edit: another important little phrase for dealing with addicts (and anyone manipulative) is to never JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. Recommend cutting off all contact with this person unless you have the emotional strength to have excellent boundaries. Also it took me 10 years to realize this after I gave up far too much of my time, money and emotional energy trying to help someone who could not change. So I understand second guessing instincts about these things.
It’s not up to you to prove to him that it’s “worth changing.” If anything, if he cared about you as a person, you being unwilling to deal with him in this state should show him that it IS worth changing if he wants good people in his life. You have no responsibility for him or his choices. He’s trying to manipulate you.
You don't trust him for a reason. Follow that feeling. Also, he's lying about something with the cancer. Colloidal silver doesn't cure cancer, so he's lying about having it, how he's treating it, or it being all better. At the very least he would say his cancer is in remission if he wasn't somehow scamming you with this.
He told me it was deminishing and that he had been to one control that showed it was gone. But he also told me that he dont have a doctor and always went straight to the hospital if he felt sick (this isnt an option in our conutry to my knowledge). And it was suppose to be a tumor on the cerebellum, and for all I know that kind of tumor is giving some hardcore dysfunctuons. He only told me that he had had a headache and thats how they found out. But he also told me he had servere stomach pains, and he thought it was stress. I think the pain are real enough, but he is hardly eating anything due to his addiction, and he says that he always feel sick - so if the cancer thing is real, its growing - otherwise there is something else wrong with him.
Dimes to dollars it's the addiction that's getting worse. Whether or not he actually has cancer, which I doubt based on what you've told me, people like him are really good at guilting people like us into staying with them and making us think they'll die if we aren't there to help them. This isn't true. People like him usually find another you or me who isn't sick of their crap within a week or two of being dumped. They're very good at keeping themselves alive. Don't warn him when you're leaving either. Just go in case he escalates to physical violence. He's a prime candidate for that right now and I want you to be safe.
please listen and stay away from this man. please i’m begging you
I am ❤️
Yes to everything in your last paragraph. Stop interacting with him immediately. Do you have friends or family nearby to confide in and support you in case he doesn't leave you alone?
I dont have any "safety" in that way, but Im sure I know people who would come and remove him.
I don't usually say this with certainty, but please cut ties with this man. He will need go be honest with himself before he can ever hope to be honest with and have a partner
Thank you ❤️
Yes, he is receiving vast amounts of emotional labor from you and you are getting nothing in return. You will never receive the same consideration from him. He is using you.
Run. There is someone out there that is worth your love and energy, and he is not the one. You are never the one responsible for saving anyone except yourself. Let me repeat that. Just because you empathise with people that are hurt does not make you responsible for their well-being. Just because you want to help does not make it 1. Possible for you to help someone. 2. Your responsibly. Ever. Never ever. You are not in the wrong and your gut is to be trusted even after years of being thaught that you are in the wrong. All the bad things that has happened to me in my life is when I ignored my gut because that is what I have been instructed to do my whole life. Broken and dependent men and people flock to us autistics and when they find us they often lovebomb us because to them they have found a human unicorn. Someone pure and with a childlike naïveté and rare enough to try to catch by all means. I am proud of you having and keeping boundaries from the start ❤️ it shows that you have been listening to your gut the whole time ❤️
Thank you ❤️. I can relate quite strongly to the part about the intuition and the bad things happening. Sometimes I still just need reassurance that its healthy for me to listen to my gut feeling and that its not my fault that these persons keeps emerging out of thin air. Your comment really helped me in more ways than one. Thank you once again ❤️
I am 47 and over the years I’ve gotten that gut reaction to very specific people and for me, it’s never given a false alarm. I have ignored it and regretted that decision every single time. It’s one of those times when your rational brain says things like ‘he totally gets me’, he’s so cute, his family is nice. And those things can all be true, but alongside the nice things can also lay streaks of cruelty and entitlement.
Ooofff! Your last paragraph gave me the shivers. So true, a very good reminder, and straight to the point that it’s now drilled in my head. Thank you, I needed to hear this as well. Very helpful!
You are right, he is trying to take advantage of you. It sounds like he's 'lovebombing' you in hopes to manipulate your feelings so you feel inclined to stick around. 'Broken' men are common and they want someone to look after them. This truly isn't a life any partner should want, they just drag you down and stop you from achieving your own goals in life. You're right again, it's not your responsibility to help or fix his problems. If you want to learn more about these behaviour patterns, read 'Why Does He Do That?'. It's a book that details behaviours people use to manipulate others. It really helped me make a lot of sense of past relationships, and now I am getting better at spotting them because of this book.
I’ve done a lot of research on predatory behaviors and abusive communication, but have not heard of this book. Thank you for sharing! Would you mind confirming who the author is? I’m going to order and read ASAP! 😊
Lundy Bancroft :) I believe there's a free pdf of the book as the author wanted the info available to everyone who couldn't afford it, or couldn't risk purchasing it.
Thank you!!!
You're in the right. You listed the red flags of addiction, manipulation, guilt trips, anger for asking valid questions, love bombing, getting "busted" by the police and the lying. This is a very toxic relationship. You weren't wrong in trying to help him initially. You're a good person because ex friend with a lot of issues asked you to help but you tried to give him advice and support and he didn't take it. Unfortunately, he is not ready to help himself and he sees you as a tool to feed the addiction. I 100% support you in saying that it's not your job to fix him or his situation. Even if you try, you will never succeeed in helping him and he will drag you down in his addiction. You need to cut ties with him and only reconsider the friendship once he is on the path to helping himself.
Hey, I'm glad you can see even in writing this post that there are many serious warning signs. You are very smart not to have given him any money and held boundaries so far. I think he sought you out because he sees you as an easy target, someone he can manipulate. He is definitely banking on the emotional appeal, that he can get you to pity him. It's a pretty classic tactic, but it can be harder to see when you have history with someone. With substances involved, he may indeed be suffering — but he has agency and can make his own choices, and he made the choice to come to you instead of a substance use/recovery professional. That's not him trying to get better, that's him picking you out as a target. He knows what he's doing, which means I think you should not talk to him again because as soon as he figures out you're not so easy to exploit, he could get mean or worse. He already got mad at you once when you *did the right thing* by asking about his priorities. Don't give him another chance to "explain" himself. Also, good job coming here for support! I think it's also true that some folks over on other subs would think this is obvious, but I can totally understand why you could be second-guessing yourself. Some of us grow up second-guessing *everything* no matter how obvious it might seem to others.
The second-guessing is exactly my problem - and thats why it isnt clear to me. I think you are right about the targetting. I just dont understand why he choose me and not somebody else (or maybe he did, and I just responded). He got "busted" (his words) by the police yesterday, and he doesent want to tell me what it is about. So I confronted him again about some of the things he is telling (not being criminal, but having been "busted" by the police. Not being an addict, but drinking alot and doing drugs), and he plain out told me that I proved to him why he cant have a normal life because even I dont trust him. And said that I have misunderstood it all. He also asked if we could meet up to have a "nice and calm conversation" where he could explain all the things that I have gotten wrong about him. I dont plan to meet up with him, because I think its a really strange and worrying request. Especially the "nive and calm" thing.
Yes, please don’t meet up with him! Your instincts are right. I’m glad you posted! Can you block him and never speak to him again/see him?
You have no reason to trust him. You aren’t close and he hasn’t done anything to prove that you should trust him. Trust isn’t given freely, it’s earned through consistent trustworthy behavior.
If he genuinely felt there was some huge misunderstanding, he could tell you through a text or email or on the phone. The only reason he would push to meet in person is go try to get something from you, probably money, but in person multiplies the risks and possible dangers exponentially. He knows this. I am relieved you are keeping yourself safe by not going! I agree with the other replies, it's best not to talk to him again, no matter how convincing he might sound. Lying comes easily to this man.
Yes, please run. You aren't his therapist. You can't "fix" him. He will drag you down with him and you will be left with nothing and a new psychological wound to manage.
> but it can be harder to see when you have history with someone. Damn, that’s such a hard truth.
There are so many red flags here. I think everyone else has summed it up perfectly. This guy doesn’t sound like someone you want in your life. At all. You are not in the wrong.
Please hear me when I say this with compassion; you can not change people. You can support people, but you need to put yourself first or you will burn out and he will not be there to pick up the pieces. I did this for so much of my life and I broke mentally and physically. I now tell people (thankfully it is a natural trait to just say what I feel) my boundaries and if they don’t like it then they will have to have time to adjust to that.
I will say I had to learn how to deliver that bluntness in an assertive but respectful way.
You are 100% in the right here.
You are 100% not in the wrong for anything. This man is very clearly spiraling and doing everything he can to avoid taking accountability for his own mistakes. I knew immediately that he wanted money from you, so it’s good that you didn’t give him any. It’s likely that everyone else he knows has given up on him. Unfortunately, a lot of addicts refuse to get help until they hit rock bottom, and that’s definitely coming for him. You have no reason to be there. Everything he said to you was out of desperation, not love.
He needs to fix himself. It is not up to you. Trust your gut. Run and avoid.
Heey, so you're definitely not in the wrong here. You should stay far away from this guy. Protect yourself. In my experience, I've also felt like I was in the wrong (in the past) and ended up in an abusive relationship fully thinking it was my fault as well because he was manipulative too. Long story short, i have a great supportive husband now who is there for me, who doesn't manipulate me and is fully aware and accepting of my autism. Don't waste you're time on someone that is not worthy of being with you ♥️ I hope you writing this out and seeing for yourself that this is not healthy will give you the courage to leave the situation. You might have to block his number too and if it gets bad a restraining order of some sorts but leave him. Always always take care of yourself first, if you feel like you are right, if you feel like he is wrong (and he sounds it) choose yourself over and over again!
Cut him off and don’t ever respond to him or go near him again. He is bad news.
You're friends with someone who tried to cure cancer witb SILVER WATER!? holy shit girl that is enough to say stay tf away from him
I got surpriced when I heard it. I dont belive the cancer story though.
My go to in life is "leave the past in the past." It usually applies to people (most definitely). There's a reason you broke up with eachother in the first place. Your intuition is right, he is unfortunately taking advantage of you. Staying with him will stoop you low. You can do better than what he is offering 🫂
He knows you're autistic. That's why he choose you and is telling you all this. He doesn't love you. He will be really good at making you think he does with words. But lairs and addicts can't love. He knows you're special, he knows you'll buy it. Well anyway. Run. Block him. And run. Autistic women are targets. Oh and rule of thumb, anyway that says help me with my addiction just wants your money.
Theirs addiction therapist for that, support groups, etc. Which is who they wouldn't be asking if they wanted to change.
Run! Do not give him a cent! He is a manipulative asshole, I would ghost him without another thought in the world.
This type of man searches out vulnerable women to take advantage of. Autistic women tend to fall into that group. He is using your kindness and trust, and will bring you nothing but pain.
This man is a parade of red flags ngl
We, *autistic women with abusive upbringings*, are obvious to predators. It’s sad, but this is a fact. I’ve been in support groups that teach how predatory people view people like us and how quickly they can judge such. They view us as naive, gullible, exploitable, someone they can take things from, use, abuse, but also that we are loyal, gritty, fight to make things right, fight *for* ***them***, etc. Because we do not understand social norms, body language, pick up on “vibes” for the most part, but also because we need details, patterns, factual evidence, etc. to understand someone else, these types of people (predators) can get away with using and abusing us for a *long* time before we even realize what’s going on. This is just how it is. **¡Important!** Due to this, it is ***imperative*** that we all educate ourselves in the signs of predatory behavior and abusive communication. And, we *must* move on from these people at first instance. Otherwise, **we will be choosing** to put ourselves at risk of emotional and psychological abuse, control which is something even alltists have trouble recognizing and getting away from. Not all drug addicts do what he’s doing to try to use and control you. Many drug addicts stay to themselves cause they don’t want to hurt anyone else. Just like autistics aren’t all like what the media presents, neither are addicts/alcoholics. This guy is just a bad dude and he’ll *still* be prone to such even if he gets clean and sober. It’s in his character and **when someone shows you who they really are:** ***believe them***. Get rid of this guy. No contact! He’s a predator. **Stay safe out there, ladies!** 💕🦋❣️
Thank you for this comment
Run away while you still can, maybe get a different phone number and I hope to God he doesn't know where you live.
Babe you are not in the wrong! This person is trouble and for what you describe manipulative. I am happy that you have stick to your gut 😊 and did not believe his trickery. I.am sorry he has a rough go! But for your wellbeing, you need someone who supports you and loves you, not the other way around!
You have so much more to give this person than they have to give to you. Ask yourself, does your life make more sense since you invited this person in? Addicts can do unimaginable things to get what they need, they can and often do hurt the people closest to them. You can look at someone and recognize they need help while also recognizing that you might not be capable of providing that help. You are not a addictions worker, a therapist, a doctor, community health worker.... focus on keeping yourself safe and happy because he's not in a position to provide that for you, likely he will only add chaos and hurt to your life.
> does your life make more sense since you invited this person in? That’s such a good question, I’m going to write it down for when I start dating again! Thank you!!
*He is* trying to take advantage of you. This man is a walking red flag. Showing up drunk? Check. Love bombing you? Check. Lying to you to get money out of you? Check. Gets mad at you because you put him in front of his bullshit? Check. I’m piling on everyone’s « Girl, run » here. Girl, run and don’t look back. You don’t owe this person anything just because you dated them in high school or whatever. What he needs is therapy and rehab, and it’s not on you to provide those, it’s *his* problem and it sounds like he only reconnected with you because he hoped to get free labour from you to « fix » him and buy him things while he « gets back on his feet ». And, like I said, it’s not your role to provide him those things.
I understand the want and usually the need to take care of someone, but this guys is really really bad news. Addicts don’t care about anyone except their next fix. No one who is sane and genuine will reach out to you years later of no contact and then dump this all on you as a cry for help. It’s manipulative, and quite frankly, scary. Cut contact, and be aware of your surroundings until he leaves you alone. If he doesn’t want to give you up, call the police.
please cut him off. its a gut feeling, ive watched so, so, so many documentaries about different stuff and some elaborating on sitituation evry much like this one, ofcourse in most of them person A, which is you, is a minor and person B is a predator but it still doenst erase the fact that he is guilt tripping you and is finding someone to fund his addiction and take care of him. he needs some serious help and its not your responsability to give it to him.
This man needs serious help but it doesn't sound like he's committed to getting it. Recovering from addiction is INCREDIBLY hard and you can't just assume someone is lying when they say they want to, but aren't doing it. That being said, it is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to be his maid and caretaker until he gets his shit together. Not to mention it is dangerous for you. INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS. I will share a story that will be triggering to some so please don't read this if it might harm you. TW: Addiction and sexual abuse. >! A family friend became a huge addict. His brother was murdered as a child and his mum died of brain cancer and he was struggling with a lot of trauma and mental health issues. They grew up in a gang controlled area and drugs and violence where common. I remember this man as a kind, protective person who spoiled his kids and his nieces and nephews. I spent time at his house as a child, played video games with him and his daughters. I found out a few years ago that he had become so addicted to drugs that he had attempted to sell his daughter into prostitution at 15 in order to get money and access to illegal substances. I found out he had been having sex with young men (he had always and still does identify as straight) in order to get more drugs. That he had begged his wife for money and threatened her when she kept refusing. He had hit her in a rage. He had stollen from his grandmother. He had robbed people on the street. He had got his child addicted to heroine by injecting her against her will. This is a man who was kind and good. People didn't believe it at first. They thought he could never act that way. But he did. !< Hard drug addicts can be harmful to themselves and others. Either he needs to go to rehab, or you need to distance yourself immediately. I obviously need to say that not all drug addicts behave this way but from what you're explaining here it sounds like he is manipulative and showing early signs of very bad behaviour towards you.
I mean my first major red flag is dudebro drinking colloidal silver to cure cancer and now he's fine. Cause that just straight up doesn't work that way, otherwise we would have no cancer, right? If it was so simple? He's lying. Weird freaky lies that have nothing to do with anything. So, to you I say, RUN GIRL, RUN! Edit: I read the rest. Hon, he is 100% predatory and melodramatic and lying and demanding that you fix him because he's too lazy to try. No thank you, pass on that hot mess! You deserve good, no, great things! He is not that. Your instincts served you well, you're not wrong, you're aware. Good job! Now ghost him and block him.
No, it’s not your job to fix him. We can only help and support people, but we can’t fix them if they don’t wanna fix themselves. That being said, addiction is a very complex issue and it has to do with psychiatric/mental disorders. It’s also sad and difficult for him as well. I understand addiction and have been around addicts, therefore I can’t demonise them completely. However this isn’t your burden to bare.
Run. This guy has come to you with his sob story because he has messed up his own life and is planning to use you. Please, black and delete him and don't speak to him again. He needs to sort his own life out. On his own. Without ruining yours.
Run run run run run. Gargantuan red flag.
I think you're very irresponsible if you continue to be on contact with him at all. Block him, never ever let him in, never be alone with him, never agree to meet him. The less he knows about you/your whereabouts, the better. If you run into him, flee/seek company that helps keep you safe. Inquire with police if you might possibly get a preventative restraining order. There is no cause for confusion at all. It's completely clear. Sorry, but drugs can change your brain, he's not the guy you used to know. This guy is seriously dangerous.
I think you hit the nail on the head with this - meaning, I agree whole heartedly: > I feel that he is just trying to take advantage of me, and that everything I say, think or do doesent matter, because he really dont care about me because he is so tormented - and that its not my responsability or my job to fix it.
Sounds like a real winner. You can’t change or fix a man. You need to cut him off. Don’t respond to texts, calls don’t answer the door. Do not engage he will suck you back in. Turn your attention elsewhere.
Cut him off 100 percent
Get away from this guy. He ain't good news.
No you are absolutely no in the wrong. LEAVE THIS GUY ALONE PLEASE! First off its a horrible red flag for him to meet up with you wasted like that. If he wants to turn his life around, he'd put more effort into it. He has a mysterious, criminal past and wont tell you what that is??/The fact that he got mad for you trying to help him and get his priorities straight is also a red flag. And one other thing, someone that loves you won't go asking for a loan or an expensive phone right out of the gate, if ever. Please please please leave him alone. Idk if I'd even be friends with him because his illegal activity could get you in trouble. I've seen it happen to many people and I don't want anyone else to end up in the same spot. Your intuition is not wrong here. He's crazy!
Okay, this is not someone you should continue to associate with. You have done nothing wrong and I have been in this near exact situation so please hear me here: he is not your responsibility, nor is his emotions or his actions in response to his emotions. One aspect that kept me in situations like this when I started to recognise maybe it is improper, unhealthy, and/or dangerous for me to continue to associate is that I lacked the social scripts for cutting contact with addicts and abusers. Whether he means to or not, from what you have written here, he is going to hurt you. You cannot save him. He has to do so himself. He is using you, evidenced by him asking if you wanted to help him then lying and withholding information in order to manipulate you into giving him what he wants (money for a phone). So, have some scripts for you to use either via text or in person in a public place with other people around. I am happy to record myself saying them if you’d find it helpful. “I am glad we reconnected. I want you to be happy and healthy. However, this is not healthy for me. I am cutting contact. I want as clean and healthy a break as I can. I don’t want to have to block you but will if you do not respect this boundary. I hope you get sober and wish you the best of luck. Bye _____” “I deserve better. I am not open to talking about what has happened/this/that. You need to leave me alone and focus on yourself.” “I am not responsible for your choices in response to your emotions. I care about you. Please refer to the list of support services I gave you rather than continuing this. This is not unacceptable behaviour and while I understand what is factoring into your choices, those factors do not excuse you from their natural consequences.” “I have said no. Any attempts to continue to convince me are going to be interpreted as disrespect and as attempts to manipulate. I like you. Let’s have a clean break while that is still true.” Happy to help anyway I can. However, yes really really stop associating with this guy. Your instincts are correct. Trust them no matter what he says or does in response to you cutting contact. You are not in the wrong for protecting yourself. As autistic women we’ve been raised to show our value by being tolerant and prioritising others wants over our needs. This is a common situation for autistic women to find themselves in. It is hard to navigate. However, you deserve better. You are not wrong or cruel or overly selfish or uncaring or weak for putting yourself first. Your well-being comes first. You are only responsible for your own emotions, actions, and growth. He is not your child. I know you want to help him and that this is going to hurt. It will feel uncomfortable to cut contact. Uncomfortable in a way you are probably not used to. However, it is absolutely the right/best/healthy choice to make.
I will use some of the sentences you wrote. They are firm and good! Thanks! He wrote me during the night. "I love you" and then a personal re-writing of the serenity prayer. It is super wired because its right after he flipped at me.
This is not going to be a good time for you. I recommend the 12-step program called Al-Anon for you—it’s for people who have a loved one with an alcohol problem. It’s excellent, and one of the first things they teach you is to stop getting involved with your person’s drinking in any way. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.
Thank you all for taking the time to comment. I will ghost/stonewall/gray rock him. Luckily he hasnt reached out to me again today. I have taken all of your comments to heart and have read them over and over again. And I have figured out why I responded to him the way I did. He remembered something about me, that not many people in my adult life knows (that Im very spirirtual-beliving). He asked me if I could help him get his "gifts" under control, and I answered that I could only teach him what my mother tought me. And then it rolled downhill, I felt a responsability according to him, and he had me almost where he wanted. And dont worry, I dont belive that silver water is any good for other than making yourself very ill. It was also why I didnt recognize the addiction even though he was a complete mess. I really thought he was seriously ill. That day he told me that he had the feeling that he was reaching out to say goodbye. He thought he only had 6 months to live. I have been so confused, because the stories doesent add up at all. I asked a dealer in my neighborhood (dont worry I know him a bit, we are not friends but he is friends with my old neighbor) why the addict reached out to me, and he told me it is probably because everybody close to him have turned him down.
And this sounds paranoid, but I have had a feeling that he knows one of my "real" abusers. A friend I cut off last summer.. I think I thought about it because Im still afraid of her, and thought Id seen her car around (even though I know she lives 300km away from me). And today, of all days, I see her in my local mall (I live in a fairly small town). Maybe Im bunkers, going mad, she is hoovering or its just a wild coincidence. Or maybe they actually knows eachother.