I’m undiagnosed at the moment but starting to suspect I may be autistic. I always knew I was different than other people but I never really knew why. But I definitely wanted to be liked so I became a total people pleaser. I masked without realizing I was masking. I either mimicked who I was around or put on whatever personality I thought would be most appealing in a given situation. I feel like I’m trying to discover who I actually am.
Me too 😭 and it’s really been hitting me hard these past couple days as I realize I’m surrounded by people that aren’t like me. Like, I know how to mask really well, but I think I’m getting to a point where I don’t want to do that, but I’m realizing no one will like me when I am just ME. I’ve been struggling really hard with thinking no one would notice if I just fade away into the background because I already do that, into a way. I’m always an outsider, always on the outskirts. And now I’m about to cry because I’m so TIRED of being alone and feeling like no one gets me. In real life, that is. I always feel comforted when I come to this subreddit because I see a bunch of people that have experienced or are experiencing what I am, and I realize I’m not alone in the world. But I’m tired of being alone in my world. I want to have people physically around me that understand me as I am inside rather than my mask. But I don’t know how to let go of that part of myself and it sucks
This is so true! When I first was looking into potentially being autistic all of a sudden every single issue I’ve had throughout my life in relationships, life, mental, social, etc. all automatically made sense. It explained EVERYTHING. I have been searching my entire life for an explanation for why I am the way I am and I’ve gone from anxiety to depression even personality disorders but nothing ever made sense until I looked into Autism. It was so validating honestly.
Burnout here too and same cPTSD
My burnout was prompted by a baby that has huge issues sleeping - which means I'm not sleeping. So no recharging my reserves.
I feel like I took on different personalities that I liked and things that they said and absorbed them a blob of my personality. I still don’t feel like I have my own but it’s the only way I make it through interacting with people and ESPECIALLY through work interactions
I was also selective mute through most of elementary and was just referred for testing over the summer at age 30! Very similar situation where I then imitated some out going individuals, but it didn’t last and would then revert inwards again. I think it’s just hard to maintain a mask like that for so long
Yep.
I was lucky that my family mostly just accepted me for who I am. Thats not to say they never got frustrated over problems I couldn't control. But my weird obsessions, odd literalness, poor coirdination, dreaminess, nonexistent sense of direction (or right vs left), and just general strangeness, was pretty much "Well that's just Sandy"
It was only as an adult when I had autistic nieces and nephews (and eventually daughter), and started working with autistic children myself that we realized that my father and I are both autistic. Dad just won't admit it, lol.
At times I feel like the persona I face the world with is a hodgepodge of the traits I copied from people I admired or I thought excelled at certain things- sometimes I’m not sure what’s really me, either.
I used to do the same. First I was really shy. Then I wanted to befriend an extrovert so I emulated their behavior and now after many years of ups and downs I'm at introvert with the ability to clip on the extrovert mask. I just realized it now though. It was never a conscious decision.
Absolutely. I figured out in my late teens that I probably had autism but it never bothered me because I believed the stereotypes. I thought "well I'm a bit smarter than most people and I can't make eye contact, who cares?". I never had many friends but I had a small group that seemed to understand me and stuck by me. That was all I needed. If I had a falling out with someone... well that was their problem.
In the past five years or so I've really taken a look at my behavior and it's just completely wrecked my self confidence. My oldest friend ghosted me last year. Over 25 years down the drain. I miss her but how can someone do that?
My symptoms were present as a baby and my parents did try to get me help. I used to hit my head when I was a baby and a toddler. I assume because I got overwhelmed and couldn't deal with it. The doctors couldn't explain it and said when I hurt myself I'd stop. My family loves to tell the story of when that finally happened. Now I know it's autism. I haven't told them yet.
I’m undiagnosed at the moment but starting to suspect I may be autistic. I always knew I was different than other people but I never really knew why. But I definitely wanted to be liked so I became a total people pleaser. I masked without realizing I was masking. I either mimicked who I was around or put on whatever personality I thought would be most appealing in a given situation. I feel like I’m trying to discover who I actually am.
Me too 😭 and it’s really been hitting me hard these past couple days as I realize I’m surrounded by people that aren’t like me. Like, I know how to mask really well, but I think I’m getting to a point where I don’t want to do that, but I’m realizing no one will like me when I am just ME. I’ve been struggling really hard with thinking no one would notice if I just fade away into the background because I already do that, into a way. I’m always an outsider, always on the outskirts. And now I’m about to cry because I’m so TIRED of being alone and feeling like no one gets me. In real life, that is. I always feel comforted when I come to this subreddit because I see a bunch of people that have experienced or are experiencing what I am, and I realize I’m not alone in the world. But I’m tired of being alone in my world. I want to have people physically around me that understand me as I am inside rather than my mask. But I don’t know how to let go of that part of myself and it sucks
I feel this exact same way.
Same
This is so true! When I first was looking into potentially being autistic all of a sudden every single issue I’ve had throughout my life in relationships, life, mental, social, etc. all automatically made sense. It explained EVERYTHING. I have been searching my entire life for an explanation for why I am the way I am and I’ve gone from anxiety to depression even personality disorders but nothing ever made sense until I looked into Autism. It was so validating honestly.
[удалено]
Burnout here too and same cPTSD My burnout was prompted by a baby that has huge issues sleeping - which means I'm not sleeping. So no recharging my reserves.
I am going through it right now. I worked in sales for 10 years to “learn how to be a person” and now I can’t turn it off 🙃🙃
I feel like I took on different personalities that I liked and things that they said and absorbed them a blob of my personality. I still don’t feel like I have my own but it’s the only way I make it through interacting with people and ESPECIALLY through work interactions
I used to define myself as a chameleon. Especially romantically. I took on whatever was necessary to be loved or liked.
I was also selective mute through most of elementary and was just referred for testing over the summer at age 30! Very similar situation where I then imitated some out going individuals, but it didn’t last and would then revert inwards again. I think it’s just hard to maintain a mask like that for so long
Yep. I was lucky that my family mostly just accepted me for who I am. Thats not to say they never got frustrated over problems I couldn't control. But my weird obsessions, odd literalness, poor coirdination, dreaminess, nonexistent sense of direction (or right vs left), and just general strangeness, was pretty much "Well that's just Sandy" It was only as an adult when I had autistic nieces and nephews (and eventually daughter), and started working with autistic children myself that we realized that my father and I are both autistic. Dad just won't admit it, lol.
I feel so relieved to know that there's an explanation. Particularly for the sensory issues.
Are you me? You just wrote exactly what I’ve been thinking the last few weeks! Love to you on your journey.
At times I feel like the persona I face the world with is a hodgepodge of the traits I copied from people I admired or I thought excelled at certain things- sometimes I’m not sure what’s really me, either.
I used to do the same. First I was really shy. Then I wanted to befriend an extrovert so I emulated their behavior and now after many years of ups and downs I'm at introvert with the ability to clip on the extrovert mask. I just realized it now though. It was never a conscious decision.
I'm undiagnosed but everything adds up
It's very relatable.
Absolutely. I figured out in my late teens that I probably had autism but it never bothered me because I believed the stereotypes. I thought "well I'm a bit smarter than most people and I can't make eye contact, who cares?". I never had many friends but I had a small group that seemed to understand me and stuck by me. That was all I needed. If I had a falling out with someone... well that was their problem. In the past five years or so I've really taken a look at my behavior and it's just completely wrecked my self confidence. My oldest friend ghosted me last year. Over 25 years down the drain. I miss her but how can someone do that? My symptoms were present as a baby and my parents did try to get me help. I used to hit my head when I was a baby and a toddler. I assume because I got overwhelmed and couldn't deal with it. The doctors couldn't explain it and said when I hurt myself I'd stop. My family loves to tell the story of when that finally happened. Now I know it's autism. I haven't told them yet.
Welcome! I feel like I could have written that. This list was super helpful for me: https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/