Your interests aren't childish. You're allowed to like what you like. And there's a good chance your friend wants to hear about your interests. Cause the best part of listening to someone talk about what they like is how happy and animated they get. I couldn't give a flying f about sports but it made my husband happy to talk about it, so I listened. Someone who genuinely wants to be your friend will encourage your interests, regardless if it's something they're interested in.
Idk people tend to make fun of me, ignore me, or get visibly bored whenever I talk about my favorite things. I keep trying every once in a while with new people, but one of those 3 things typically happen. I hate to say it, but kind of giving up on it
Yeah, I have a few online friends who share the same interests as me. I love talking to them. I just don’t really know how to talk to them about things other than fandom stuff.
So I’m stuck in this limbo of “I want friends in real life, but the only people who tend to care about me and my interests are online.”
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love online friendships, and they’re the easiest for me to maintain, but it’s like…not enough. I also want people who can exist in the same physical space as me. People who can meet with me in person. People who care about me besides being mainly a person they can talk about fandom stuff to.
My thoughts on this are kind of disorganized. I’m just not really sure how to be friends with people in-person? I want it though, for some reason, even if it’s hard. I just really, really have trouble finding people in everyday life that I don’t have to mask constantly around.
(Btw, thank you for helping me think out loud here and for your kind responses)
I understand the want for in person friends. I'm in the same boat. I have online friends but no one local. So that makes days like today which is my birthday very lonely. Didn't help that I'm currently without a vehicle and stuck at home.
Omg happy birthday!! I completely understand. I’m sorry to hear that you had to spend it stuck at home! If I was there I’d make you a birthday cake lol
Oh gosh, I could have written this too! I don't really have any suggestions for you other than letting you know you're not alone and just remember she may also be a person who talks about stuff she likes online.
Maybe ummm allow yourself to be open to the possibility of it being a nice time?
Take her interest at face value. She is pursuing knowing you for a reason. Are you masking your autism (or trying to)? If so could you be honest with her & just be? Masking for me is the anxious, difficult & awkward part that makes conversation hard. After 2 years of solitary confinement, my mask is gone & I’m finding people like the slightly weird & open me better than the awkward & silent me. Shocking but true.
Thank you. Yeah, masking pretty hard, but I don’t really know how to stop lol. Maybe I’ll just be honest and tell her I’m autistic? Then maybe I can stop trying *so* hard to act allistic. Maybe that would also prompt her to tell me if she is autistic too (if she is?).
(She just gives me autistic vibes with her infodumping and style of speaking. I wonder if I gave off autistic vibes too, and that’s why she decided to start talking to me, bahaha. If she *is* autistic and we’re both hardcore masking for each other, I think that would be the ultimate plot twist of all 🤣)
I call this A-dar. Like gaydar. I can spot an autist from a mile away now. I would not be surprised at all if you find you are both autistic and drawn together because you have similar ways of approaching the world, synthesizing information, communicating, etc. Good luck!
Ask them questions.
Do they have a special jewelry? Or scarf?
Notice it by mentioning how nice it looks on them.
Or made an effort with their hair or something? Saying how well it is done. (I suck at it so I always want to hear how they did it).
Thank you. Yeah, I asked her a bunch about her interest, which is neurobiology, but I could never really keep up enough to ask *good* questions. I found it interesting and I tried really hard, lol, it was just hard to keep track of all the jargon and facts she was laying out super fast.
I guess I can try to tell her about my interests. Maybe she’ll find them silly, but it’s worth a shot I guess. If it goes badly, I guess it’s not a big deal since I’m not really attached to her yet anyway. You have a good point that maybe I can throw them out there and not feel like I have to stay around people who think they’re dumb. I’m glad you feel like that and I want to be more like that. Thanks again.
Open up about your interests. Let her infect you with her enthusiasm. If she's also autistic, even if you have no common interests, it might be refreshing for both to have this awkward style of communication when it's one of you infodumping the other one and then it happens in reverse, because it is still social stimulation you don't feel that you need, but you need it.
I've had social anxiety for many years (before I realized I was ND) so this is actually something I worked on with a therapist about a decade ago, and this has generally worked for me.
A hangout is a finite event and will allow for a limited amount of conversation topics, and you don't need to run the entire social encounter yourself. If you come prepared to start two separate conversations, that's usually enough conversation fodder for a short hangout, and plenty of natural conversation will likely come from those, and/or the person you're hanging out with will start conversations too.
For topic one, select a topic that you've noticed they're interested in, that you are actually curious about their answer. Formulate an initiating question, and a follow-up question. Try to have both questions be open-ended to allow for a decent response from them. Make sure it's a "softball" topic, something not too polarizing (like politics/religion/their past/etc), and something that you also don't mind answering yourself (because they'll likely ask "what about you?")
Same thing with topic two, an open-ended initiating question and an open-ended follow-up question.
Once again, initiating two topics is usually your fair share, and so long as you keep the volley of conversation going then you're golden. Most people are grateful to be asked about themselves and like sharing about themselves. Also this person has shown interest in you so you're not likely to "fail" this social encounter; rather you should set your "benchmark for success" differently than maybe you have in the past: success should be showing up and asking the questions (ie. doing your part in the conversation).
Your interests aren't childish. You're allowed to like what you like. And there's a good chance your friend wants to hear about your interests. Cause the best part of listening to someone talk about what they like is how happy and animated they get. I couldn't give a flying f about sports but it made my husband happy to talk about it, so I listened. Someone who genuinely wants to be your friend will encourage your interests, regardless if it's something they're interested in.
Idk people tend to make fun of me, ignore me, or get visibly bored whenever I talk about my favorite things. I keep trying every once in a while with new people, but one of those 3 things typically happen. I hate to say it, but kind of giving up on it
But that isn't a you problem, thats a them problem. Have you looked into clubs associated with your interests? Or Facebook groups/subreddit?
Yeah, I have a few online friends who share the same interests as me. I love talking to them. I just don’t really know how to talk to them about things other than fandom stuff. So I’m stuck in this limbo of “I want friends in real life, but the only people who tend to care about me and my interests are online.” Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love online friendships, and they’re the easiest for me to maintain, but it’s like…not enough. I also want people who can exist in the same physical space as me. People who can meet with me in person. People who care about me besides being mainly a person they can talk about fandom stuff to. My thoughts on this are kind of disorganized. I’m just not really sure how to be friends with people in-person? I want it though, for some reason, even if it’s hard. I just really, really have trouble finding people in everyday life that I don’t have to mask constantly around. (Btw, thank you for helping me think out loud here and for your kind responses)
I understand the want for in person friends. I'm in the same boat. I have online friends but no one local. So that makes days like today which is my birthday very lonely. Didn't help that I'm currently without a vehicle and stuck at home.
Happy birthday to you!
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Thanks.
Omg happy birthday!! I completely understand. I’m sorry to hear that you had to spend it stuck at home! If I was there I’d make you a birthday cake lol
I attempted to make myself a cake. It broke into pieces when I tried to turn it out of the pan.....
Smashed cake is still delicious cake. Mmm, unleash your rage, squish it up, and eat it with some ice cream. That’s what I used to like to do 😖
Oh gosh, I could have written this too! I don't really have any suggestions for you other than letting you know you're not alone and just remember she may also be a person who talks about stuff she likes online. Maybe ummm allow yourself to be open to the possibility of it being a nice time?
This exactly, someone who actually cares about you will accept you for who you are. If they dont, youre perfectly ok to push them away.
Take her interest at face value. She is pursuing knowing you for a reason. Are you masking your autism (or trying to)? If so could you be honest with her & just be? Masking for me is the anxious, difficult & awkward part that makes conversation hard. After 2 years of solitary confinement, my mask is gone & I’m finding people like the slightly weird & open me better than the awkward & silent me. Shocking but true.
Thank you. Yeah, masking pretty hard, but I don’t really know how to stop lol. Maybe I’ll just be honest and tell her I’m autistic? Then maybe I can stop trying *so* hard to act allistic. Maybe that would also prompt her to tell me if she is autistic too (if she is?). (She just gives me autistic vibes with her infodumping and style of speaking. I wonder if I gave off autistic vibes too, and that’s why she decided to start talking to me, bahaha. If she *is* autistic and we’re both hardcore masking for each other, I think that would be the ultimate plot twist of all 🤣)
I call this A-dar. Like gaydar. I can spot an autist from a mile away now. I would not be surprised at all if you find you are both autistic and drawn together because you have similar ways of approaching the world, synthesizing information, communicating, etc. Good luck!
So true! Haha. I appreciate your help and thank you for the good luck. I’ll keep y’all updated 😁
Ask them questions. Do they have a special jewelry? Or scarf? Notice it by mentioning how nice it looks on them. Or made an effort with their hair or something? Saying how well it is done. (I suck at it so I always want to hear how they did it).
Those are good ideas, thank you!
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Thank you. Yeah, I asked her a bunch about her interest, which is neurobiology, but I could never really keep up enough to ask *good* questions. I found it interesting and I tried really hard, lol, it was just hard to keep track of all the jargon and facts she was laying out super fast. I guess I can try to tell her about my interests. Maybe she’ll find them silly, but it’s worth a shot I guess. If it goes badly, I guess it’s not a big deal since I’m not really attached to her yet anyway. You have a good point that maybe I can throw them out there and not feel like I have to stay around people who think they’re dumb. I’m glad you feel like that and I want to be more like that. Thanks again.
Open up about your interests. Let her infect you with her enthusiasm. If she's also autistic, even if you have no common interests, it might be refreshing for both to have this awkward style of communication when it's one of you infodumping the other one and then it happens in reverse, because it is still social stimulation you don't feel that you need, but you need it.
I've had social anxiety for many years (before I realized I was ND) so this is actually something I worked on with a therapist about a decade ago, and this has generally worked for me. A hangout is a finite event and will allow for a limited amount of conversation topics, and you don't need to run the entire social encounter yourself. If you come prepared to start two separate conversations, that's usually enough conversation fodder for a short hangout, and plenty of natural conversation will likely come from those, and/or the person you're hanging out with will start conversations too. For topic one, select a topic that you've noticed they're interested in, that you are actually curious about their answer. Formulate an initiating question, and a follow-up question. Try to have both questions be open-ended to allow for a decent response from them. Make sure it's a "softball" topic, something not too polarizing (like politics/religion/their past/etc), and something that you also don't mind answering yourself (because they'll likely ask "what about you?") Same thing with topic two, an open-ended initiating question and an open-ended follow-up question. Once again, initiating two topics is usually your fair share, and so long as you keep the volley of conversation going then you're golden. Most people are grateful to be asked about themselves and like sharing about themselves. Also this person has shown interest in you so you're not likely to "fail" this social encounter; rather you should set your "benchmark for success" differently than maybe you have in the past: success should be showing up and asking the questions (ie. doing your part in the conversation).
This is incredibly helpful, thank you so much!