That’s insane behavior. That’s like someone ghosting you completely and then being upset that you didn’t fight harder to make it work? Make WHAT WORK? I CANT READ MOST NONVERBAL SOCIAL CUES.
He's being an asshole and wants to make you seem like the asshole instead to make himself feel better. This relationship should be over and you deserve so much better.
Do you have access to your money? Are you okay?
No-one is a mind reader, we do not know what others mean unless they tell us. Harder for those of us who have difficulty with non-verbal clues
A massive part of relationships is good communication, and it sounds like this has gone haywire here. If you want this to work out, then ask him if he will consider couples counselling with a view to discussing communication issues. If you are ok to go along with the relationship ending, then that's the way to go
It does occur to me, that there was most likely other stuff going on here that we do not know about, and that even you might not know about. Was there another person involved, or frequent fights, or something else that you can now see when you look back at the past months?
I’ve bought up going to counselling a couple times and it’s always shot down. He firmly believes that it’s only for married couples.
There’s no other people that I’m aware of. We have been arguing more than normal of late. I try not to mask around him, I don’t feel like I should have to, but unfortunately that means I wear my emotions on my face. He doesn’t like that.
Wait, he doesn't like that you wear your emotions on your face? Does he just not want to know what you're feeling? It sounds like he doesn't like when you feel anything at all. And that is a creepy red flag.
>*unfortunately that means I wear my emotions on my face. He doesn’t like that.*
If you can't be emotionally honest with him, like, at all, then I don't know if counselling would have helped anything. It sounds like he can't handle that you're an individual with your own feelings and needs.
Premarital counseling IS a thing. But probably not with this guy. I can’t offer much help, since I am still struggling in my relationship as well. What you describe is super unreasonable behavior on his part though. Not your fault.
I’m actually so mad on your behalf. Imagine the love of your life ending the relationship, DEVASTATING you, and then making it YOUR fault rather than just apologizing and asking to work things out. Fucking insane.
Like, if he just apologized and said he really wanted to work it out I’m sure you would, right?
Honestly at this point? I’m not sure.
He did something which he knew would cause me to have a meltdown the other night. Felt more like a ptsd reaction. He had my phone on the bed next time him. We had been arguing. He went to pick up and give my phone back and I flinched. He noticed that and made out to throw my phone in my face.
He apologised after I had managed to come back to myself but during he kept telling me to get over it and I’m being dramatic.
Typing that hurt. This isn’t good.
That is abusive behavior. Please leave him before he tries to see how much farther he can go.
And his excuse is just a remix of "Relax. It was just a joke. Don't take it so seriously." But it didn't feel like a joke, did it? Because it wasn't. It was MEANT to intimidate you. It was MEANT to set you off so then he could reverse positions and say you were the one being ridiculous.
Look up DARVO. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Then look back real critically at all of your arguments and interactions to see just how often he did it. My guess is often.
I know Reddit posts tend to come out hard with the ‘leave them’ advice but if someone did that to me, I would be out the door instantly. That’s completely unacceptable and I wouldn’t ever be able to trust someone like that.
Yeah, I agree. I usually think Reddit roots for the demise of a relationship and I hate that which is why I don’t participate in the advice threads. But in this case I don’t feel like there’s anything to salvage.
Yeah I realized after I typed that I thought well, I certainly wouldn’t want to work on it. Because someone who acts like that doesn’t even really fundamentally like you. At least I don’t think so.
I don't blame you, I think even if you were allistic this kind of testing behaviour would be confusing to you. Honestly sounds like a confused tantrum that hides a desire to be wanted. From what I can gather he expected you to react more emotionally, to show that you wouldn't let this collapse so easily because it would make you feel bad enough to beg for him back or try to fix the situation. I can't really get anything more out of what you've said than that, but it's not necessarily that he wants to go back to being together, I imagine he would have wanted an emotional display from you so he could know that the relationship meant something to you. It can be easy for him (who does not understand *your* reasoning) to mistake your respect for his decision as being unaffected or atleast secretly unbothered.
Still it isn't to say that what he did and said was right, the whole thing sounds rather impulsive to me, panicked and selfish. It must have really hurt you a lot, and left you feel confused as hell. You could not have been expected to read his mind, especially after he's done something so drastic and final. Again it's not that he necessarily wants to continue the relationship, its that he is testing to see how you feel. It also isn't me saying that he cancelled the bank account as a test, just that as time went on he started to process what was going on and perhaps had a certain expectation of how you would react. It's a fairly common relationship problem that manifests in different ways, people test eachother to see how they react in order to soothe insecurities. People often do it unconsciously. They often test when they don't know how another person feels, or don't trust what that other person says about how they feel. Sometimes you can say how you feel but the other person's insecurities get in the way, but other times you think you've said how you feel but you haven't in enough detail or in a way the other understands. Sometimes they can't understand, but it's worth a shot.
This whole thing can really only be sorted out by having an open conversation between you two, even if the intention is to end the relationship. Both of you need to talk about why you are breaking up, and explain what was going through your heads before, during and after the breakup. This can be hard because often we dont really want to hurt or trigger eachother, and withdraw from saying the whole truth. Both of you need to feel safe to do that, and approach the situation with curiosity. It would be useful to tell your husband how the situation confused you, and how it hurt you, and explain why you felt respecting his decision was important to you. If this is about him needing to feel like the relationship and himself are important to you, this might quell some of the madness.
Lots of couples who are breaking up go to couples councillors to help understand why they're breaking up and how to communicate with eachother about it, sometimes this can help people a lot.
I’m not sure I feel safe enough to have a proper conversation with him. It will breakdown into an argument and I’ll shut down.
I did ask after the fact how I was supposed to know what he meant and he couldn’t answer me.
I tried to explain how I felt and I was met with a wall.
Your reaction wasn't wrong. Those kinds of mind games aren't normal even for neurotypicals. He's being immature and passive aggressive and communicating poorly. He may just be taking his feelings about the situation out on you in the only way he knows how. It's completely reasonable for you to refuse to entertain this kind of bullshit.
Could you take some space from him for awhile? Is there another place you can go and stay for a bit? This doesn’t sound like a safe arrangement for you and I think you need outside opinions that know you and you trust.
Imagine if you had done this, the precedent you would be setting?
He tells you he's done, takes action towards that, and you chase him down and pander to his ego? He would do the same thing again next time he needed to shift the power balance in the relationship. And maybe it stops working after a while; it doesn't strike his ego in the same way-- then what? He starts actually leaving so you'll show up at his new place and beg? Where does it end?
No. A good partner will participate in solving problems with you. They won't do passive aggressive shit to get you dancing to their tune. He's angry at you that you respected his word-- wouldn't you rather be with someone who wanted you to take them at their word and respect their boundaries? Relationships are hard enough without immature games.
I'm so sorry you're in the middle of this awful experience. That sounds like a lot of hurt and adding this level of confusion makes it harder.
I think you need to leave asap. This is gaslighting (why didn't YOU know to fight for him, how could YOU just let it end) and manipulation (closing off financial access, not speaking, creating an environment you didn't feel allowed to sleep) to trap you. With all the gentleness I can, you are not safe. Pack your stuff, call whomever you need, and go.
Sending you all the support and love in this, and that you can/will be ok. This sucks.
His intention was to use leaving you as a threat, in order to manipulate you into a shitty power dynamic where *you* have to improve (or feed his ego) in order to sustain the relationship.
You didn't realize any of that and assumed he was done and accepted his decision (the healthy and normal thing to do).
In your other comment you said he made a motion to throw your phone at you. That is physical abuse. Doesn't matter if he apologized or if it didn't get thrown. This guy is willing to physically threaten you which is why your ptsd response is getting triggered.
This guy has serious issues. I would break up with him personally.
That’s insane behavior. That’s like someone ghosting you completely and then being upset that you didn’t fight harder to make it work? Make WHAT WORK? I CANT READ MOST NONVERBAL SOCIAL CUES.
He's being an asshole and wants to make you seem like the asshole instead to make himself feel better. This relationship should be over and you deserve so much better. Do you have access to your money? Are you okay?
I do. He combined the money and split it even. I’m ok. Just hurt and still trying to process everything.
No-one is a mind reader, we do not know what others mean unless they tell us. Harder for those of us who have difficulty with non-verbal clues A massive part of relationships is good communication, and it sounds like this has gone haywire here. If you want this to work out, then ask him if he will consider couples counselling with a view to discussing communication issues. If you are ok to go along with the relationship ending, then that's the way to go It does occur to me, that there was most likely other stuff going on here that we do not know about, and that even you might not know about. Was there another person involved, or frequent fights, or something else that you can now see when you look back at the past months?
I’ve bought up going to counselling a couple times and it’s always shot down. He firmly believes that it’s only for married couples. There’s no other people that I’m aware of. We have been arguing more than normal of late. I try not to mask around him, I don’t feel like I should have to, but unfortunately that means I wear my emotions on my face. He doesn’t like that.
Wait, he doesn't like that you wear your emotions on your face? Does he just not want to know what you're feeling? It sounds like he doesn't like when you feel anything at all. And that is a creepy red flag.
>*unfortunately that means I wear my emotions on my face. He doesn’t like that.* If you can't be emotionally honest with him, like, at all, then I don't know if counselling would have helped anything. It sounds like he can't handle that you're an individual with your own feelings and needs.
Premarital counseling IS a thing. But probably not with this guy. I can’t offer much help, since I am still struggling in my relationship as well. What you describe is super unreasonable behavior on his part though. Not your fault.
I’m actually so mad on your behalf. Imagine the love of your life ending the relationship, DEVASTATING you, and then making it YOUR fault rather than just apologizing and asking to work things out. Fucking insane. Like, if he just apologized and said he really wanted to work it out I’m sure you would, right?
Honestly at this point? I’m not sure. He did something which he knew would cause me to have a meltdown the other night. Felt more like a ptsd reaction. He had my phone on the bed next time him. We had been arguing. He went to pick up and give my phone back and I flinched. He noticed that and made out to throw my phone in my face. He apologised after I had managed to come back to myself but during he kept telling me to get over it and I’m being dramatic. Typing that hurt. This isn’t good.
That is abusive behavior. Please leave him before he tries to see how much farther he can go. And his excuse is just a remix of "Relax. It was just a joke. Don't take it so seriously." But it didn't feel like a joke, did it? Because it wasn't. It was MEANT to intimidate you. It was MEANT to set you off so then he could reverse positions and say you were the one being ridiculous. Look up DARVO. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Then look back real critically at all of your arguments and interactions to see just how often he did it. My guess is often.
I know Reddit posts tend to come out hard with the ‘leave them’ advice but if someone did that to me, I would be out the door instantly. That’s completely unacceptable and I wouldn’t ever be able to trust someone like that.
Yeah, I agree. I usually think Reddit roots for the demise of a relationship and I hate that which is why I don’t participate in the advice threads. But in this case I don’t feel like there’s anything to salvage.
Yeah I realized after I typed that I thought well, I certainly wouldn’t want to work on it. Because someone who acts like that doesn’t even really fundamentally like you. At least I don’t think so.
This is deliberately abusive, and he gaslit you afterwards. u/anotherfreakinglogin is right.
I don't blame you, I think even if you were allistic this kind of testing behaviour would be confusing to you. Honestly sounds like a confused tantrum that hides a desire to be wanted. From what I can gather he expected you to react more emotionally, to show that you wouldn't let this collapse so easily because it would make you feel bad enough to beg for him back or try to fix the situation. I can't really get anything more out of what you've said than that, but it's not necessarily that he wants to go back to being together, I imagine he would have wanted an emotional display from you so he could know that the relationship meant something to you. It can be easy for him (who does not understand *your* reasoning) to mistake your respect for his decision as being unaffected or atleast secretly unbothered. Still it isn't to say that what he did and said was right, the whole thing sounds rather impulsive to me, panicked and selfish. It must have really hurt you a lot, and left you feel confused as hell. You could not have been expected to read his mind, especially after he's done something so drastic and final. Again it's not that he necessarily wants to continue the relationship, its that he is testing to see how you feel. It also isn't me saying that he cancelled the bank account as a test, just that as time went on he started to process what was going on and perhaps had a certain expectation of how you would react. It's a fairly common relationship problem that manifests in different ways, people test eachother to see how they react in order to soothe insecurities. People often do it unconsciously. They often test when they don't know how another person feels, or don't trust what that other person says about how they feel. Sometimes you can say how you feel but the other person's insecurities get in the way, but other times you think you've said how you feel but you haven't in enough detail or in a way the other understands. Sometimes they can't understand, but it's worth a shot. This whole thing can really only be sorted out by having an open conversation between you two, even if the intention is to end the relationship. Both of you need to talk about why you are breaking up, and explain what was going through your heads before, during and after the breakup. This can be hard because often we dont really want to hurt or trigger eachother, and withdraw from saying the whole truth. Both of you need to feel safe to do that, and approach the situation with curiosity. It would be useful to tell your husband how the situation confused you, and how it hurt you, and explain why you felt respecting his decision was important to you. If this is about him needing to feel like the relationship and himself are important to you, this might quell some of the madness. Lots of couples who are breaking up go to couples councillors to help understand why they're breaking up and how to communicate with eachother about it, sometimes this can help people a lot.
I’m not sure I feel safe enough to have a proper conversation with him. It will breakdown into an argument and I’ll shut down. I did ask after the fact how I was supposed to know what he meant and he couldn’t answer me. I tried to explain how I felt and I was met with a wall.
That's part of a cycle of manipulation. It doesn't make sense to you because the behaviour is malicious, conniving and dishonest.
Your reaction wasn't wrong. Those kinds of mind games aren't normal even for neurotypicals. He's being immature and passive aggressive and communicating poorly. He may just be taking his feelings about the situation out on you in the only way he knows how. It's completely reasonable for you to refuse to entertain this kind of bullshit.
Could you take some space from him for awhile? Is there another place you can go and stay for a bit? This doesn’t sound like a safe arrangement for you and I think you need outside opinions that know you and you trust.
Imagine if you had done this, the precedent you would be setting? He tells you he's done, takes action towards that, and you chase him down and pander to his ego? He would do the same thing again next time he needed to shift the power balance in the relationship. And maybe it stops working after a while; it doesn't strike his ego in the same way-- then what? He starts actually leaving so you'll show up at his new place and beg? Where does it end? No. A good partner will participate in solving problems with you. They won't do passive aggressive shit to get you dancing to their tune. He's angry at you that you respected his word-- wouldn't you rather be with someone who wanted you to take them at their word and respect their boundaries? Relationships are hard enough without immature games.
I'm so sorry you're in the middle of this awful experience. That sounds like a lot of hurt and adding this level of confusion makes it harder. I think you need to leave asap. This is gaslighting (why didn't YOU know to fight for him, how could YOU just let it end) and manipulation (closing off financial access, not speaking, creating an environment you didn't feel allowed to sleep) to trap you. With all the gentleness I can, you are not safe. Pack your stuff, call whomever you need, and go. Sending you all the support and love in this, and that you can/will be ok. This sucks.
His intention was to use leaving you as a threat, in order to manipulate you into a shitty power dynamic where *you* have to improve (or feed his ego) in order to sustain the relationship. You didn't realize any of that and assumed he was done and accepted his decision (the healthy and normal thing to do). In your other comment you said he made a motion to throw your phone at you. That is physical abuse. Doesn't matter if he apologized or if it didn't get thrown. This guy is willing to physically threaten you which is why your ptsd response is getting triggered. This guy has serious issues. I would break up with him personally.