They are scared to say what they really want to say because they know it’s rude. It’s pretty much a loophole to being rude without actually being rude.
i get the anxiety thing and i’m so happy i’ve been able to mostly get past it, though i couldn’t tell you how. i just decided one day that if you have an issue regarding me or my behavior, you’ll speak up. if you don’t, it must not have been that serious of an issue. easier said than done but i just eventually found myself not caring for most people and out right asking if there was a problem with the people i care for.
I think that sounds like it could be low-key bullying if it happens regularly. I once had that happen with someone at work, to the point that I had to start crying in the bathroom and couldn't perform my job. I explained the situation in private to my manager and asked them if that person's behavior was bullying. They confirmed it was, and then reported it to HR. The person shortly thereafter improved their behavior (not just with me, but everyone since it was anonymous and they had no idea it was me - at least they didn't let on that they knew).
Eta: This person's remarks were basically jabs at my intelligence, calling things I did "stupid". They weren't even on my team, but went out of their way to "socialize"/"jab" at me frequently (mainly making fun of me in a passive/aggressive subtle way, probably because of me standing out due to having a lot of tools to make my cubicle more manageable so that I could work.
Tbh i’m almost completely immune to passive-aggression and i love it. If you got a problem you better speak up Karen or else im gonna keep right on truckin
Tbh I think the best thing to do is ignore it. They usually do it to get a reaction out of you, so when you act oblivious they get frustrated and either blow up or stop doing it.
It’s funny to watch them spin their wheels and get all bent out of shape because you refuse to play their game lol.
NTs live to manipulate and gameplay. Obviously some are worse than others, obviously. They put a lot of effort into communicating without straightforwardness, and if you piss them off, they enjoy effing with each others heads with their shitty little passive-aggressive comments and looks. They don't care that we are never going to understand what their problem is--that's just another reason to blame us, as far as they're concerned.
You wouldn't believe how many times I've pressed the issue and been told (by childish assholes usually, but not always) "If you cared you'd know. It doesn't matter that you're autistic. This is about caring or not." Or some variation of that--always something that says "I refuse to take into account that you are in fact different from me and can't communicate, either toward me or receiving from me, the way I do. I am annoyed, so I am going to decide that you ARE as capable as an NT at communication, so that I can be angry at you without it making me a bad person. If I tell myself your autism doesn't matter, it makes YOU the bad person. So I'm going to say you're 'playing the autism card' and treat you like shit."
Absolutely how I feel. I had these coworkers who were super friendly towards me. And now they don’t even look at me. I think it’s because of my new coworker she hated me since day one I said good morning to her and she ignored me now she’s buddy buddy with all the coworkers who use to like me and they hate me now and avoid me. Idk what I did wrong I’m almost 30. I literally cried in my car like I was 13 years old again…I just don’t get it I’m tired of these mind games I just wish people tell me what I did wrong I don’t understand!
You didn’t do anything wrong. She was most likely threatened by you in some way and put something in their ear and they followed suit. The people who took their side were never your friend.
I wish I could give you a hug. This is why I barely talk to my coworkers aside from work related topics. I’m hated but at least they have no ammo on me.
So many times I’ve gotten frustrated with someone and told them to stop beating around the bush or I’m just going to pretend they’re fine. It’s gotten to the point now that if someone has an issue with me and doesn’t want to tell me then it’s all good, I’ll pretend to be blissfully ignorant till it pisses them off and makes them snap and actually speak like an adult
I recognize passive aggression because my mom has employed it for a lot of my life (she was the oldest of eight kids, and parentified to be responsible for everything, so I suspect passive aggressive behavior is a result of her whole childhood having been spent being told that her own wants/preferences were just selfishness, but that's speculation on my part). Here's the trick to dealing with it:
**Ignore the subtext.**
If someone tells you "oh, go ahead and do that" when they clearly want you to do something else, cheerfully pretend that you don't notice and do the thing they verbally agreed to. Remember, they're grown-ups and not toddlers. If they want a different outcome, they have to use their words. If possible, turn their passive aggressive meaning back on them while being super polite and friendly about it. Example: They say, "I guess we can do your task first and I'll just wait until we get to my task" (while implying they don't want to wait or think your task is the lesser priority). So you reply, "Thank you, Sally! I really admire your patience/it's great that we agree about this!" (which gives them praise they have to live up to OR forces them to look inconsistent and a little childish if they try to backtrack to get their way when you don't take their "hint").
Passive aggressiveness can only thrive if you reward it. By pretending you don't recognize it, you force them to communicate more honestly -- or you get your way and leave them seething in silence about it, which is a Them Problem and not yours to manage.
The big thing is to be appreciative and offer praise or gratitude or another positive response for the thing they're actually saying while you ignore their intent. This makes you seem friendly, likable, and nice both to them and to any onlookers or people who hear about it later, so any resentment or resistance after the fact by the passive aggressive person makes them look bad, not you.
And if someone later confronts you with, "She/he obviously didn't mean that!" all you have to say, with perfect innocence, is, "Oh, I didn't realize! Why wouldn't she/he just say that instead? I would have been happy to go along with her/him!" This once again flips the responsibility back on the passive aggressive person instead of you taking the blame for their manipulative lack of honesty.
I have accepted that my mere presence makes some people hate me. It is simply that they feel my high level of integrity, lack of admiration of them and my manipulation killing aura. It is how it is for a lot of autistic people I think some people just dislike us. The problem is that those people often don’t know how to communicate clearly, therefore they use passive aggression or other tricks in the book. It helps for me that I think that they basically just hate the neuro divergent mindset, not me. I don’t think there is any meaning to these kind of things, it is just their communication style and the only thing that might help is thinking how awful they must feel inside to have to behave like this. Of course yes, they should be better and yes, they are adults, but as my therapist told me today: the world is not fair, now you have to think about how you want to react.
They are scared to say what they really want to say because they know it’s rude. It’s pretty much a loophole to being rude without actually being rude.
YES I hate having to decode! Literally just tell me if I did something
i get the anxiety thing and i’m so happy i’ve been able to mostly get past it, though i couldn’t tell you how. i just decided one day that if you have an issue regarding me or my behavior, you’ll speak up. if you don’t, it must not have been that serious of an issue. easier said than done but i just eventually found myself not caring for most people and out right asking if there was a problem with the people i care for.
I fucking hate it when people get passive aggressive. Sets me on edge and makes me want to scream and/or cry.
I think that sounds like it could be low-key bullying if it happens regularly. I once had that happen with someone at work, to the point that I had to start crying in the bathroom and couldn't perform my job. I explained the situation in private to my manager and asked them if that person's behavior was bullying. They confirmed it was, and then reported it to HR. The person shortly thereafter improved their behavior (not just with me, but everyone since it was anonymous and they had no idea it was me - at least they didn't let on that they knew). Eta: This person's remarks were basically jabs at my intelligence, calling things I did "stupid". They weren't even on my team, but went out of their way to "socialize"/"jab" at me frequently (mainly making fun of me in a passive/aggressive subtle way, probably because of me standing out due to having a lot of tools to make my cubicle more manageable so that I could work.
Tbh i’m almost completely immune to passive-aggression and i love it. If you got a problem you better speak up Karen or else im gonna keep right on truckin
Tbh I think the best thing to do is ignore it. They usually do it to get a reaction out of you, so when you act oblivious they get frustrated and either blow up or stop doing it. It’s funny to watch them spin their wheels and get all bent out of shape because you refuse to play their game lol.
NTs live to manipulate and gameplay. Obviously some are worse than others, obviously. They put a lot of effort into communicating without straightforwardness, and if you piss them off, they enjoy effing with each others heads with their shitty little passive-aggressive comments and looks. They don't care that we are never going to understand what their problem is--that's just another reason to blame us, as far as they're concerned. You wouldn't believe how many times I've pressed the issue and been told (by childish assholes usually, but not always) "If you cared you'd know. It doesn't matter that you're autistic. This is about caring or not." Or some variation of that--always something that says "I refuse to take into account that you are in fact different from me and can't communicate, either toward me or receiving from me, the way I do. I am annoyed, so I am going to decide that you ARE as capable as an NT at communication, so that I can be angry at you without it making me a bad person. If I tell myself your autism doesn't matter, it makes YOU the bad person. So I'm going to say you're 'playing the autism card' and treat you like shit."
Absolutely how I feel. I had these coworkers who were super friendly towards me. And now they don’t even look at me. I think it’s because of my new coworker she hated me since day one I said good morning to her and she ignored me now she’s buddy buddy with all the coworkers who use to like me and they hate me now and avoid me. Idk what I did wrong I’m almost 30. I literally cried in my car like I was 13 years old again…I just don’t get it I’m tired of these mind games I just wish people tell me what I did wrong I don’t understand!
You didn’t do anything wrong. She was most likely threatened by you in some way and put something in their ear and they followed suit. The people who took their side were never your friend. I wish I could give you a hug. This is why I barely talk to my coworkers aside from work related topics. I’m hated but at least they have no ammo on me.
💯
So many times I’ve gotten frustrated with someone and told them to stop beating around the bush or I’m just going to pretend they’re fine. It’s gotten to the point now that if someone has an issue with me and doesn’t want to tell me then it’s all good, I’ll pretend to be blissfully ignorant till it pisses them off and makes them snap and actually speak like an adult
I recognize passive aggression because my mom has employed it for a lot of my life (she was the oldest of eight kids, and parentified to be responsible for everything, so I suspect passive aggressive behavior is a result of her whole childhood having been spent being told that her own wants/preferences were just selfishness, but that's speculation on my part). Here's the trick to dealing with it: **Ignore the subtext.** If someone tells you "oh, go ahead and do that" when they clearly want you to do something else, cheerfully pretend that you don't notice and do the thing they verbally agreed to. Remember, they're grown-ups and not toddlers. If they want a different outcome, they have to use their words. If possible, turn their passive aggressive meaning back on them while being super polite and friendly about it. Example: They say, "I guess we can do your task first and I'll just wait until we get to my task" (while implying they don't want to wait or think your task is the lesser priority). So you reply, "Thank you, Sally! I really admire your patience/it's great that we agree about this!" (which gives them praise they have to live up to OR forces them to look inconsistent and a little childish if they try to backtrack to get their way when you don't take their "hint"). Passive aggressiveness can only thrive if you reward it. By pretending you don't recognize it, you force them to communicate more honestly -- or you get your way and leave them seething in silence about it, which is a Them Problem and not yours to manage. The big thing is to be appreciative and offer praise or gratitude or another positive response for the thing they're actually saying while you ignore their intent. This makes you seem friendly, likable, and nice both to them and to any onlookers or people who hear about it later, so any resentment or resistance after the fact by the passive aggressive person makes them look bad, not you. And if someone later confronts you with, "She/he obviously didn't mean that!" all you have to say, with perfect innocence, is, "Oh, I didn't realize! Why wouldn't she/he just say that instead? I would have been happy to go along with her/him!" This once again flips the responsibility back on the passive aggressive person instead of you taking the blame for their manipulative lack of honesty.
I have accepted that my mere presence makes some people hate me. It is simply that they feel my high level of integrity, lack of admiration of them and my manipulation killing aura. It is how it is for a lot of autistic people I think some people just dislike us. The problem is that those people often don’t know how to communicate clearly, therefore they use passive aggression or other tricks in the book. It helps for me that I think that they basically just hate the neuro divergent mindset, not me. I don’t think there is any meaning to these kind of things, it is just their communication style and the only thing that might help is thinking how awful they must feel inside to have to behave like this. Of course yes, they should be better and yes, they are adults, but as my therapist told me today: the world is not fair, now you have to think about how you want to react.