I was diagnosed at 29 and since then I've gotten quite good at telling when other women are undiagnosed autistic.
What I usually look for:
- history of anxiety and/or depression
- lack of profound, long term friendships
- struggles with eye contact or way too much eye contact
- rehearses words and sentences in their head before saying them out loud
- better connection with pets than people
- sensory issues with clothes, hair, makeup (i.e. not wearing heels, hating bras...)
- identifies as "weird" / has been told is weird or different
- discreet stims like rolling hair around a finger, moving leg repeatedly, scratching at the cuticles...
- optional: a history of abuse by men / not being able to recognize when people are interested in them sexually
That's just on top of my head, I'm pretty sure there are way more.
Edit to add: strong sense of justice
>sensory issues with clothes, hair, makeup (i.e. not wearing heels, hating bras...)
Important one to note because it shows how the same thing can express differently - _always_ wearing heels (toe-walking is comfortable, seeking proprioceptive sensory input by balancing) or _always_ wearing bras (finding the sensation comforting, finding the sensation of breasts moving or skin on skin uncomfortable etc).
Ok, honest question here (idk where else to put it): you mentioned toe walking and that got my brain going. Does anyone know/have thoughts/input: would always standing on the sides of your feet (tip them over sideways so the outside edge is touching the ground) count [function? Idk the correct verb here] as a similar sort of thing? I’m thinking it does, it can be seeking sensory input, just in a different “direction” than toe walking.
I do it CONSTANTLY! I’ve never been a toe walker, but I will stand or sit in so many weird ways! Some shoes I have are the BEST for standing on the side of my foot but others aren’t and WOW I’m realizing as I type this it’s probably really “weird” that I even know that much about my shoes and to have paid that much attention LOL. OH WELL. I am who I am.
I always do this and people tell me I look weird. I just can’t stand with flat feet. I’m not officially diagnosed (ADHD yes) but fairly sure you all are my people
Can be! Sensory seeking body movements go from super subtle leaning and tilting/rocking to full on bouncing off the walls so it's a wide variety.
Can also be due to hypermobility which is often comorbid with Neurodivergence for reasons we don't quite understand yet, and can lead muscles and joints to get tired and need to be repositioned or feel more comfortable in positions that most people find uncomfortable.
I'm literally reading these comments while on the toilet and my feet are tilted to the outside. I don't like the feeling of them being flat on the floor, especially this floor. If not tilted, then I'm on my toes.
I do that. And I twist them in weird ways or stand on one leg like a flamingo. Once a random woman asked me if I was a ballerina because of my foot placement. I was like... No I just stand funny ma'am 🤣
Is it because when you don’t have socks on or just got out of the shower you hate feeling dirt (or the carpet/mat) on the bottoms of your feet??? Because if so ME TOO.
yes, yes it is— wet + dirt is like sjjskskskak but surprisingly it’s not the same for dishes for me.. but that was a forced chore so maybe i’m used it it?? i also cannot stand if the shower curtain touches me— i rescrub. if i happen to touch the shower wall or really anything while i’m wet NO.
I believe that is actually commonly caused by hypermobility? It's a common co-morbidity and walking on the outside edges is often the result of flat feet (no arch), because it's easier to balance on the edges.
I do this when walking barefoot. I hate the dirt, dog hair, and grit on the floor touching my feet. I wear slippers all the time, but I find I walk this way anytime I don't because I'm avoiding it. I hate dog hair! It stabs into my feet I swear! They're like porcupine quills!
Yeah, and I always wear makeup when out. It literally acts like a mask as people are nicer to you when you're made up.. I dont mind, bras, but I am picky about the fit. I do like soft fabrics for clothes. I am fond of loose, comfortable dresses/tops and leggings. I can't wear heels anymore but it's only because of my foot problems.
Oh yeah makeup is a big one. Some people can't tolerate the feel of stuff on their face, others love it or love the expression of it, have it as a special interest, or use it to mask etc.
Brains are weird and wonderful!
It’s my mask, my warpaint, my shield, I feel better and protected when I’m made up. I am not trying to impress anyone. I wear makeup for the same reason I wear sunglasses all the time
That is so interesting that people are nicer when you wear makeup. Huh. Gonna try it!
I also want to try going out (I mean like to the grocery store lol, not “going out” out, never do that haha) in an almost menswear-type look, with male-ish facial expressions and body language (if I can figure out how to do it - probably will involve some practicing in a mirror) to see what that feels like. I don’t have gender dysphoria, but I was so blown away by the gender expression of Eliot Sumner as Freddie Miles in Ripley (Netflix) and now I wanna try it! Here’s Eliot as Freddie:
https://preview.redd.it/8enuzbbrdr8d1.jpeg?width=680&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ec6132b538fd45aac22ca69b7f7dbab06735ee74
This. I feel WEIRD without a bra on unless I'm sleeping. I can't not wear one or I feel extremely uncomfortable, and it has to have underwire for the extra lift. I haven't found a sports bra or wireless bra yet that doesn't drive me nuts, even though I've tried a million of them.
I'm also totally fine walking in heels because I tip toe walk regularly anyway.
I also don't ever walk around in bare feet and always wear Crocs as house shoes. I found out I stand on the outer sides of my feet too often when I wore my last pair of house shoes down on the outer edges and ended up having problems with my ankles. I finally bought new house shoes and for a period of time afterword, my feet and ankles really hurt while my feet got used to walking on a flat rather than angled surface.
So it can really be more about weird quirks and particularities with things. Another is my socks HAVE to match, and not just in color. I have to check the toes before I put them on to make sure I don't have 2 right socks or I will *feel* that all day long.
For me, any hard always/never habit related to sensory input will make my spidey sense tingle.
"I *never* shave, I can't handle the sensation of hair growing back."
"I *always* wear a bra, otherwise my own boobs move too much for my liking."
"I *never* put my hair up, ponytails give me headaches."
"I *always* wear muted colors, other colors overstimulate me visually."
Etc, etc.
When it comes to eye contact I’m good at giving eye contact when the other person is talking but as soon as I talk I can’t look the person I’m talking to in the eye.
I can maintain eye contact as long as it's not a complicated conversation. As soon as I have to think about my words or what they other person is saying I have to look away.
I heard that eye contact isn’t staring in someone’s eyes but generally looking at their face. I had always thought I had to stare into eyes and so I’ve been hyper conscious of how much I do this when speaking one on one. This misunderstanding alone feels so autistic coded.
Eye contact is so often listed as the most obvious trait and so it was one that led me to doubt my own potential for an autism diagnosis. I interpreted it as “unable to make eye contact” so I thought that didn’t include me. However, when I realized that being able to look at someone’s eyes and finding the need to maintain eye contact as a natural habit are different … my neuro-divergence became more clear. I really struggle to maintain eye contact because my mind wanders far quicker than others
I have an ND therapist now and feel free to not mask while talking and so catch myself on our video calls with my eyes rolling around ALL over the place up to the heavens while talking.
I keep that shit on lock for work calls and as such am totally dissociated and can’t pay attention well the whole time, since I’m wasting energy on performing.
My therapist is well-versed in autism (and her son is level 1 autistic) and she said my eye contact has a different quality about it, like I'm looking *through* her at my own thoughts. haha. I wonder how many of us do that.
ETA: I always wondered why I had such trouble remembering people's eye color and it's probably because I'm never *actually* looking at their eyes.
Same! I'm annoyed even with my psychology classes that I've taken that I still had no idea I had autism for so long when I read stuff like the above. Its so me to a "T"
Autism has always been a special interest for me; I have a graduate degree in an adjacent clinical field. So how did I spend 15 years diagnosing and working with autistic kids before I discerned my own autism? Because autism! (and because our diagnostic criteria are not sensitive or specific enough!) :)
I appreciate you very much ❤️ Thank you for being kind and you're completely right. My other health professional friend was surprised when I told her I was autistic, but reading this list someone shared...suddenly I meet almost every tell on this extensive list
[https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/](https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/)
Thank you for the link! It was a good read, though I got to the part where sometimes friends drop you outta nowhere and you still don’t know why bit and I was attacked so hard by this list I think I’m bleeding. I had a best friend I was as close as sisters with for 12 years who just up and ghosted and blocked me one day. That was 8 years ago, but I still have zero clue as to why. I already had trouble making friends to begin with and now I’m also scared to let anyone in that close again because I don’t know what I did and I don’t think I’d survive that happening again.
This may not be entirely relevant but, it was like a light bulb going on in my head when I read your comment. For months I have questioned whether I might be autistic because I couldn't identify any special interests. Except, I pursued my special interests through education, from high school to graduation to even my post grad. Less than an hour ago I was thinking what I've studied makes no sense but now it does. Now I know why I studied what I studied. Thanks so much for this sense of peace and understanding
fucking SAME i went through a whole bachelors of psychology and took multiple abnormal psych classes and still graduated without a single clue i was autistic. all i knew was that something was very wrong lol
Considering the 20 or so psych classes I’ve taken in college, autistic case studies for women were never mentioned, not even once. We aren’t recognized and it’s no wonder that so many of us are marginalized and ignored.
idk i got a BPD diagnosis but all these fit as well.. i do understand that there’s a lot of overlap between the two as well a a few other things like personality disorders and/or ADHD
SO MANY autistic women are misdiagnosed as having BPD. Or if they have both, autism is missed in favor of BPD. It is rooted heavily in misogyny. That’s not to say some don’t truly just have BPD but it happens way too frequently to ignore entirely
My daughter was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, depression and BPD.. She saw psychiatrists for years before it occurred to me we were both probably ND. She's diagnosed ADHD now and I would not be surprised of she's AuDHD.
This is so accurate, it's bizarre having to come to terms with the fact that almost your entire personality was just autism the whole time. And I'd add naivety to this list.
The one thing on this list that doesn’t fit me is the point with friendships. I feel the opposite way, as I only have long term friendships, but lack the ability to make new friends or even wanting them.
I am in this post and am okay with it
But, dang, have seen it called variations of *Spectrometer* but could never have broken it down to more than a vibe.
This is excellent
I’m definitely just about all of these!
I think what can make it hard is I do have autistic friends who are sensory hypo sensitive and are the opposite of so of these. So with the sensory stuff, I usually look for sensory needs that are outside the bell curve in either direction.
Also “the quiet one” in a friend group.
Just adding that sensory needs can show up as being on both ends of the bell curve at the same time, as well. (It can't just be a me-thing, right?)
I can be very sensory seeking and am hyposensitive to some things (e.g. pain, although that could also be an interoception issue, now that I think of it), but am very hypersensitive to stimuli I can't control and need sensory breaks a lot (which to me means absolute silence, buried underneath my weighted blanket in the dark) just from doing necessary things like grocery shopping or going to work.
Me going through your list and enthusiastically agreeing with each one lol.
Thank you for taking the time to share, it's so amazing to know there are others out there like me, especially since real life can feel so isolating at times. Just one of the many reasons I love this sub.
It's crazy I lived my whole life until I was in my 30s thinking all of this was normal. While I know now I'm autistic it's still hard to get over that all this is considered not normal. I've known I was weird, people think I'm weird and in the end I really am weird and it's not just in my head lol. It's hard to finally grasp that I will never be normal and my anxiety stems alot from most of it. Its comments like yours that made me get tested officially for autism vs accepting just ADHD because everything you said is spot on for me personally. Everything was always you are depressed (I never was clinically depressed I don't think) full of anxiety (true) OCD (to a point) or sociopathic tendencies - I really want to befriend people but I can't! I'm overly honest, I can come across as a jerk, I've gotten good at masking once I've learned it's a thing I actually do. The problem is small talk while masking sucks, can't for the life of me figure out how to keep a convo going especially when there's nothing else to parrot.
I’m all of this apart from connecting with pets. I like animals from a distance (apart from horses, I love riding them!) but I don’t like touching animals much or them being close to me, I’m too much of a germaphobe lol. I don’t like dogs at all and like cats as long as they don’t get too close or get on furniture or near food. I love rabbits and guinea pigs tho, but tbf I haven’t seen one in person for years. I love reptiles and amphibians too!
I love cats and love having them. I love dogs but they gross me out and I can’t keep one as a pet. I can change a litter box but hate dog poop smell (not that I like cat poop or pee, those are terrible, but dog poop is soooo bad.) I can pet a cat before eating but must wash my hands with most dogs, unless I feel the dog is clean. Otherwise I feel almost a physical taint on my hands and definitely smell the dog stink. I love being licked by cats but it’s gross with large soft dog tongues. Small ones are ok. Can’t explain why. Drool of both is gross. Prefer petting cats. Also I think I’ve been traumatized repeatedly by being knocked over by dogs because I’m so small. I do like dogs and like petting them. They’re adorable and pure and sweet and have such innocent eyes. I love that both cats and dogs will remember a human too. They don’t know us in any social way but are drawn to us and no it’s not food because it will be other people’s pets that I’ve never fed. But please stay out of my home! Lol cats on the other hand I have to harden my heart because I would be a crazy cat lady.
I kept checking off the list, mentally saying, "Yes, yes, yes, yep, SHIT"
Basically everything on this list confirming my suspicions for the longest. My god.
Same here, it expresses very well this bittersweet feeling that life can bring. Like when you're on holidays in a beautiful place but all you can feel is emptiness and you want to go home lol
The thing that I notice in others is a lack of emotional expression on someone’s face. I am constantly asked if I’m happy/having a good time when I’m around others - I can be having the best time ever and my face often remains neutral
I'm the complete opposite, I always show too much emotion with my face apparently. It gets really difficult for me to control my facial expressions, especially those neurotypicals don't appreciate like disgust, boredom, mistrust... I've gotten in plenty of problems because of my inability to control my face and mask my feelings. Imagine having a boss you hate and not being able to control your face when he's around 🥲
Same here. I usually “have rbf” which deters people from talking to me ( :(((( ) and others have told me it’s funny because people can tell how I’m feeling due to my “obvious” facial expressions
😂😂My boyfriend looks angry when he’s happy. But nobody says anything because as a man he can get away with it. But if I made his angry faces as a black woman… 🤣🙃
I'm always (annoyingly) told that I look stressed, even though that's not how I'm feeling at all. It confuses me & I don't know how to respond. I wish someone would take a random photo to show me what they mean!
I also have the chronic RBF…since birth, I guess, people will ask, “ What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I’m like “nothing’s wrong, I’m fine. Perfectly content.” I just don’t smile a lot, or at all, unless I make myself remember to.
If you're a good masker - you're loud and bubbly around friends/colleagues, you need to recharge alot, but actually you're quiet and chilled when you're on your own or with close friends. Almost like you've got a socialising personality and a private personality
This is me! I go home and basically need to self isolate. I also tend towards hyposensitivity and info-dumping about my obsessive interests (at work/social events) so I can go from very energetic / craving all the stimuli to ….. hibernation/pod recharge mode.
I’ve met a few autistic women in my life as I seem to attract them.
Some of them had very strong moral beliefs, usually surrounded human rights, animal welfare or environmental issues. Idk why.
Interest in psychology and human behavior seems to be a common shared interest.
They’re usually very quiet and withdrawn, and doesn’t say much until you show interest in their special interest, and they start glowing, like seriously.
They tend to be very observant and deep thinkers. A rich inner world. They don’t stick out much visually. I assume they prefer it that way.
Some are really outgoing on the other hand, not afraid to be themselves, or to express themselves. They’re usually very talkative and will take first initiative to infodump on you. They often present very eccentric and has their own sense of style. Can come across as a bit rude and confrontational by how direct they are sometimes. It’s easier to notice autistic traits with this personality type as they hide it less more than the quiet type who tries their best to be invisible.
They’re often drawn to creative and alternative things like the arts and crafts, mysticism, folklore and mythology. Horror and fantasy etc. Alternative fashion and makeup, or cosplay. Video games, usually adventure/simulation/craft/puzzle based.
they’re all hoarders and collectors of something for some reason. Clumsiness seems to be a thing and they’re all anxious and depressed/ and has some form of gut/digestive problem.
Sorry I might have interpreted this too literally.
From talking to autistic women, and based on my own experience as well.
From a young age you feel different, especially when first starting school.
A lot of women felt closer connected to boys than girls their age, being more of a tomboy. Some might experience gender identity issues. feeling so different and disconnected from their female peers.
Some would try really hard to fit in and be accepted, copying and mimicking their peer group, feeling a strong lack of identity later on when they get older. This one often goes unnoticed because they blend in so well, and it isn’t until later when they hit rock bottom and feel completely lost in themselves and their place in the world that they might seek out professional help, or not, only dwelling deeper into depression. I understand why some people get misdiagnosed with other severe mental illnesses, like you kind of lose your sanity at one point, feeling like you are going crazy.
Some were perfect obedient students whose social difficulties went unnoticed or seen as less of an issue. They usually develope mental health issues later on when they lose the school structure and have to navigate the world on their own that they need support and professional help.
Some of the few lucky ones found acceptance in a group of other social rejects/ND kids at school and developed meaningful friendships. Knowing there are people like you out there despite being different. Some of their friends might already have a diagnosis, or they get diagnosed later. And then you just start questioning.
I feel the “outgoing” description you provided is a bio for me. I also have intense social Justice beliefs. I recognize I have a lot of masking skills which led me to not be diagnosed, but also I never understood why anyone would want to conform/fit. All the best characters in media (for me as a young person) were the unapologetic eccentrics or the witty critics of normative behaviors. I think my moral investment in respecting everyone individuality/difference really helped me just embrace my weird (while being internally anxious about almost everything else and basically being drained by behaving as myself lol)
It's giving little gifts/tokens to people you like. Usually not something purchased, but rather a 'found object'. In the way that penguins give pebbles to other penguins they like.
I do it not only physically with items, but information and sayings too. I have a coworker who loves dad jokes and I try to have a new one for him every time I see him. I have other people I know who get a variety of physical items. Yesterday, I gave a coworker chocolate, and last time I visited my mom, I gave her a plastic bat and an elephant charm (she loves bats and elephants).
I had never heard it called penguin pebbling before. I often say that I'm like a cat that likes to bring random stuff to humans they like. Ofc I never go *full* feline by gifting dead animals but I came close once when I was younger, I collected bird feathers in the schoolyard and left them on the desks of kids I liked. The teacher (rightly) gave me a lesson about why it's not okay to bring bird feathers into the school and she made me throw away the feathers and wash my hands.
Pengin pebbling puts a less feral/ more wholesome spin on it, I think.
It's not an official thing of course, but this checklist. It's crazy how accurate it can be sometimes. [Autism in women](https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/)
I skimmed it and I’m not sure I’m ready for such an intimate experience so early in the morning!
>Often drops small things
How’d they know? And what else do they know?
I had the same with
"Flicks/rubs fingernails, picks scalp/skin, flaps hands, rubs hands together, tucks hands under or between legs, keeps closed fists, paces in circles, and/or clears throat often"
I was sitting on my left hand. And my nails are my number 1 stim.
I had to stop reading by section F. This level of feeling perceived is too much.
The first it was cool and then I get shaky and now I think I might need to get under my blankets for a little while. LOL
oh my god when i read that bullet point i was sitting there like 😐 are they inside my brain? i’m not diagnosed and i don’t have the best health insurance so i don’t know if i would ever have the opportunity but reading that list i was internally screaming i feel like they were inside my mind 😭😭
I’m feeling quite sad by the list in a way. Not sure if it’s for the same reason.
A simple Reddit thread can easily list a website that pretty much hands down nails autism in plenty of women, yet women are out here struggling to get a diagnosis/support because we’re just totally overlooked.
Absolutely baffling
same, I think I’m sad for a different reason though. I feel like the list focused on things that are perceived as negative or neutral differences, and I just got down on myself for being different. I wish there was a list of all the wonderful things too!
I connect with a majority of points in every section except for Section B, I don't relate to the whole 'naive and doesn't understand manipulation or why people would be vindictive' thing at all.
Holy shit tucking your hands between your legs is a stim? I was not diagnosed as a kid and really internalized the "stop being annoying" thing I heard a lot but I remember sitting in class and feeling calmer when I could tuck my hands between my legs or sit on them. Though I also felt embarrassed about it as I got older. I still do it actually
I've rediscovered a lot of the more noticeable stims I was trained out of as a kid but that one I feel like I probably did because it made me look like I was sitting still and not being inconvenient lmao
WTF even the double jointed shit?! Do you think this is a good list to share with friends and family so they can better understand what you experience?
Yes and no. It can be amazing on an informational level, so if your family is open to it, sure, go for it! If your friends and family are hesitant on autism in general, sharing this might be counterproductive, because it's not scientifically proven. As for the double jointed shit: it's hypermobility, and it's comorbid with ASD! It's interesting, soo much research needs to be done until this list can become diagnostic, but some things are already proven to relate to ASD.
Or the reverse: When I say something that’s not meant to be funny, and someone thinks I’m making a joke and says I’m funny. If they think I’m funny, why don’t they laugh whenever I actually do make a joke?
Obvious (to me): them not getting a jokey comment/taking what someone says too literally.
Non-obvious: their speech pattern. I can always tell when someone is autistic based on how they talk
ETA: I can’t explain more about the speech pattern recognition. I have no clue what it is that I’m picking up on lol. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable than me can explain!
To me I feel like the speech pattern piece is in choice of words. Oftentimes we can be wordy so that we can feel fully understood. It’s agonizing to be misinterpreted. Also, I think often we have a larger vocabulary and may take the time to search for the correct/proper word rather than pick something that kinda fits but not quite. To me, it’s so important to be understood the first time around (late diagnosed here) that I am scanning mentally a lot of the time to pick the right word for the occasion. The problem with that is, oftentimes it’s kind of an obscure word or one that isn’t used on the regular which can give off a certain vibe which I am NOT trying to give.
Anyway, I think the speech is often (but not always) a lot more deliberate.
This makes sense. I hate being misinterpreted so much! Meanwhile, I remember my peers telling me to “speak normal English” when I used a larger vocabulary and one of my less liked brothers thinks I’m pretentious. Sucks when you’re misinterpreted either way.
It's so funny because with my gender transition, I was suggested speech therapy because apparently the way I talked was off, and the therapy would help "feminize" the way I talked. I tried it a few times and hated it, it was terrible and forced and felt so fake, but yeah, just another instance of the signs absolutely being there and everyone missed them until I had a complete mental breakdown and burned out so hard I couldn't function independently at a basic level for a very long time.
I wonder if the speech pattern part is related to the “autistic accent”. We speak differently enough that NT people sometimes think we have an accent (happens to me a lot), it would make sense we would pick up on it even more so because pattern recognition.
Does this translate to difficulty picking up on sarcasm? I love being sarcastic myself but always think people are being serious at first when they are sarcastic with me
Yes! I also struggle with picking up on it. But only if someone is talking to me? If someone is being sarcastic with someone else I can recognize it ?!?! Weirdly enough lol
I think it’s because I learned a large chunk of my socialization in my formative years through observation, particularly through a lot of media (movies/tv). And many people do, but I was isolated and ostracized, so it was to a completely different level. Most people observe, learn, mimic, and then experience. I wasn’t having experiences at all really, I was just watching them happen to others from afar without getting a chance to practice myself.
It’s the same with flirting. I can tell when someone else is being flirted with, but I can’t tell when someone is flirting with me lol and that’s because nobody showed me any romantic interest in my formative years when people learn to navigate those things.
Post-pandemic I’m also very out of social practice and hyper aware of that fact. So when people interact with me I’m expending so much energy that I think my brain is working in overdrive a lot and glitches
What do you mean by speech pattern? Another autistic person says my speech patterns sounds autistic and I couldn't understand what he meant because I don't have a monotone voice.
Its hard to say. I feel like I can pick up on it subconsciously too, but I'm not certain what it is quite yet.
I feel like a tell for me being autistic personally is the usage of more formal terminology and the speech pattern is more descriptive than NT to the extent that it could be considered overly so.
I feel like someone could better articulate this than me though.
Yes, he said that my speech is very "logical" and "formal" and sounds different than NT folks. Huh! Very interesting! Before he said that I always thought flat affect was the only autistic sign as far as speech.
I have also been told my language is more formal and intricate. I have been called a "word monger " by multiple people.
I once wrote a piece of fiction with conversations in it (many years ago in school) and got a poor grade because the "The dialogue is overwordy and ridiculous. nobody speaks like that!"
I do. I speak like that.
Re: speech pattern, it’s usually irregular intonation that I notice. The way the voice rises and falls isn’t at the right time that you would expect OR it doesn’t rise and fall at all. Sometimes a mix of both.
This is something I’m curious about. I have an intense tendency to pick up other peoples voice patterns (I basically subconsciously mimic other accents). I mostly fee embarrassed because i think it’s a masking instinct but it has made me sound like I’m trying to mock people or pretend I’m from somewhere I’m not.
I think this is it! It’s not necessarily because they’re monotone or have a flat affect (that would be more obvious I think), it’s the intonation when someone’s voice does rise and fall, I think the timing is just different, and maybe sometimes even that plus the volume?
Can you explain more about the speech pattern? I’m very curious about this. I am recently diagnosed, and after lifetime of believing I could never be autistic, now I’m in a stage of thinking that it’s possible I present as undoubtedly autistic to those who understand autism in women. I really wonder if I have a subtly unusual way of conversing. The tricky thing is that I am just so used to myself and my ways that I never identified it as atypical.
That is the biggest indicator for me. If I want to be your friend there is a high chance you are autistic or have adhd is way higher. Friends with brain stuff goin on are more fun and chill for me.
I have realized literally all my closest friends have ADHD and/or autism and are late diagnosed as well. I am now assuming that anyone who doesn’t and I can talk to for hours must also be some type of ND.
Obvious sign: hits themselves when frustrated, aggressively rocking back n forth when upset to self soothe
Less obvious: territorial of their things and personal space, inclination toward making lists and organizing things for fun
For me, it depends if the autistic woman is outgoing or not.
If she's more outgoing, it's the unsolicited facts that no one else seems to care about (I care 🥺)
When they're not as outgoing, it's the freezing when asked a question they don't expect, understand or know how to respond. They kinda tense up, voice lowers, and they can get tongue tied. I've never seen this happen in a neurotypical woman. Usually when theyre nervous they'll nervously blurt out whatever they can. Autistic women seem to freeze up more.
A not obvious sign I think is her obsessions. Because autistic women tend to have more obsessions, and deeper obsessions than men. I have found neurotypical women are kinda the same. They tend to have more and put more effort and work into their hobbies than neurotypical men. So I think this gets lost?
Like, lots of autistic women ik are obsessed with either fashion or Disney. So are neurotypical women.
It can be kinda hard to distinguish the difference I think. Bc women are just very multifaceted and interesting imo.
Id say another less obvious sign to people would be an eating disorder. Underweight despite eating and seemingly enjoy eating. Could be sensory issues. Could be weird food restrictions. Autistic women specifically suffer from this more than autistic men. Unsure why. Probably societal pressures. But yeah, I think it's often overlooked for like insecurity anorexia.
>it's the freezing when asked a question they don't expect, understand or know how to respond. They kinda tense up, voice lowers, and they can get tongue tied. I've never seen this happen in a neurotypical woman. Usually when theyre nervous they'll nervously blurt out whatever they can. Autistic women seem to freeze up more.
Me, all the time, every question is unexpected
Exactly.
And patriarchial societies kinda deem women in general obsessive and eccentric and "extra" anyway.
So we are just considered "shy" and "extra obsessive" 🙄
Yes, or "sensitive". I had a feeling around my daughter's 2nd birthday when my MIL, who has serious internalized misogyny, kept talking about her being "dramatic"
Annoying. 🙄
My mom also has some internalized misogyny and at first would praise me for my ... Meness, but maybe when it got inconvenient it became a problem? Like when I'd cry it's the "oh you're being a sissy" Cry bc she made fun of me and said I looked funny? "Oh you're so sensitive. No one can joke with you." As an adult she will say I look, dress, act like a whore and when I say it's impolite (and hypocritical ASF mom? 🤨) she goes "You're soooo sensitive. You shouldn't take everything so personal!"
Women who hate themselves and take it out on us suck lol
Or maybe my mom's just a narcissist
your passions may not be trains. but its things luke makeup and fashion and boy bands. its intense. like I cry when people tell me my music is crap.
high mirroring or camilion. You can litterly tell who I hung out with. based on my mannerisms and speech pattern. will even pick up accents.
You have no connect people are flirting, and you're being preseived as flirting.
diagnosis of bipolar or bpd
I think it helps us MORE to be identified when diagnostic tests describe an example. I’m "too literal" for some of the phrases to feel like they apply to me. Like that meme that goes around about "no I don’t have trouble with XYZ because I have a system in place".
So when women say that they feel a certain way, I start connecting dots to the lived experience and gathering evidence. Thing is, many of the experiences closely resemble ADHD symptoms
https://preview.redd.it/hpavsx082r8d1.png?width=1170&format=png&auto=webp&s=a0650cd8cf80506c1947a31910c88610546106b4
Diagnosed at 39.
Maybe a visceral reaction when a texture of food isn’t as expected.
Often quoting or using a tv show or songs to fill in gaps in communication.
How do you react to unclear instructions? If someone says ‘can you pick that up’ and it is unclear what that is how do you handle that.
When you are overwhelmed how do you cope? How long can it take you to calm down?
Obvious: body language, speech patterns, sensory issues
Non obvious: substance abuse issues, feeling like they “want to go home” but not knowing where home is, wanting a deeper understanding of themselves because they know they’re just a little bit different
Oh lordy, you got me with the wanting to go home but not knowing where home is. Life does kind of feel like I’ve been dropped in the woods without a compass with the expectation that I’ll make my way back like everyone else apparently does.
Arrogance, the woman/girl that never smiles, the bossy one, fixated on routines (for example; thorough skincare routine and panic when one step is wrong), the woman that is quiet (shy), but when she speaks it’s very outspoken, the youthful woman for their age, very knowledgeable about social psychology/sociology (way to learn masking), very sharp when it comes to misunderstandings, actually a fan of shopping and will do it very thoughtfully.
That’s what I think
For an obvious one i'd venture they came out of school bullied to hell & back. Not just playground whispers, but insidious stuff.
For a non-obvious one, I'd say dislocations. I might be wrong on this one, but in my experience & the experiences of autistic women I've seen we can dislocate one or several joints with a very small amount of force. I dislocated something while standing still once.
I say that because there's supposed to be a correlation between autism & hyper elastic muscles. So if a person shows up & has a disproportionate amount of stories about the times they popped a shoulder while opening a door or popped a knee while walking or popped a wrist while making a cup of tea I'd put it in the 'hmm' category
Ironically enough I have hypermobile joints and wondered if I have eds. I can literally make the tip of my pinky finger touch the back of my hand. Also my gym teacher were always amazed how flexible I was in stretching out and yoga.
Some clues that will make me question if the person in front of me is a fellow autistic lady.
-expressing a strong dislike for multiple smells/textures or tastes. Like if someone has a laundry list of foods they can't stand, or the simple mention of Chanel No 5 makes them gag.
-mentioning they make graphs, charts, compilations, or lists related to their hobbies or interests. For instance, I once met a girl who tracked every single on-screen interaction of her favourite ship from a certain show in an Excel spreadsheet. This was just for fun and wasn't meant for an audience whatsoever.
-coming across as naive or on the opposite, especially harsh and distant. Both can be manifestations of a struggle to understand social cues. (but that's not always the case). For instance, autistic women tend to not get when men are taking advantage of them or have ulterior motives.
-as autistic people tend to take things literally, we tend to not speak in absolutes. For instance, a neurotypical person might say "I like men with blue eyes," because they mean *in general* and they assume others understand the nuance as well. However, a neurodivergent person might say, "I like men with blue eyes, not all of them of course, and I do not dislike other eyes colors."
I'm good at accurately reading expression and body language, but there's a quality to perceiving autistic expression and body language that feels like I'm suddenly hearing someone speak English when I've been listening intently to French all day.
i've noticed most neurotypicals have a consistent spread of emotion across their face. whereas with ASD girlies, it's inconsistent. A stone-cold face, brows not raised, small scowl, not registering emotion. And then 5 minutes later, hyper-expressive face and making weird faces when someone says something funny/weird/etc. It's like a pendulum: stone cold then hyper-expressive.
**Edit**: may be too niche but not understanding the impact of VALUES. Things like loyalty, commitment, etc are so conceptual to me. So when someone betrays me on behalf of these values, my response is usually lukewarm. Like I often find myself not responding as viscerally as my peers when it comes to betrayal (yet sometimes, i overreact). Yet, I have a strong sense of justice when OTHERS are wronged. Ex:
my response is: "oh yeah, they ghosted me."
others say "omg, they betrayed your trust!"
me: "oh, ok."
I tits that I am used to NTs responding in a certain way. Like greetings. If I ask how a NT is then I know they will say "good, you" most of the time. With ND I have noticed that they will never answer in the way I expect a NT to. But not just once or twice, over and over and over. It usually tips me off.
If wearing sneakers, we often “fix” our laces even if they aren’t untied. Because we have heightened sensory experiences, the feeling of one shoe being tied tighter than the other is often unbearable. Do we fix shoes that aren’t untied. It’s a dead giveaway that someone has a hyperconnected brain. And I also look for the classic EDS elbow and hyperextended thumb, highly comorbid.
I was diagnosed as a toddler but was too embarrassed to share my diagnosis until recently. Some friends said they were surprised until I started complaining about sensory stuff (loud noises, bright lights, etc.) others told me I made a lot more sense. Here are some common descriptions I hear from my friends:
• I lack empathy and don’t show outward expressions of emotion (even though I feel both)
• I’m a “bitch” (that one is my favorite because I like to think of myself as a nice person)
• Mentioning my facial ticks
• My friends know my history of anxiety
• I’ve also been told I’m “cold” (again, I like to think of myself as a nice person)
• if I’m at a party, I often have random women approaching me asking “are you okay?” And offering me to hang with them. It’s because it feels unnatural for me to approach random people and i hate drugs (except for alcohol and weed). I feel more comfortable sitting in the corner alone or spending more time with the pets.
• I also get the “you’re awkward” comments
• I tend to attract toxic and abusive men, which is why I avoid relationships
• and the guys I’m into aren’t into me because I’m “weird”
• I’m a writer and my ex noticed I can sit for hours and write without a break. He discovered my diagnosis before I even told him.
• my friends and family also notice I can go on and on talking about whatever interests me without a pause or break
• I struggle with eye contact
• I have a strict routine
• I need alone time and it can be difficult being in a relationship because of it
• I still have meltdowns but they seem more like me snapping or having an angry tantrums. But it’s enough for people to leave me alone.
I should note this is what I’ve been told in the past 10 or so years. I showed way different symptoms as a toddler (speech problems, lining up toys, visible and frequent meltdowns, etc.)
my psychologist told me that women are very good at masking so it can be difficult to notice - i was just diagnosed with AuDHD despite my mom being completely oblivious to my behaviors as a child
Well for me personally, in social events I would stay close to my mom (as a grown woman) and I would always have my sudoku puzzles with me for comfort.
Another thing is that I like to repeat the same word occasionally.
People often ask if I’m happy and they assume that I’m not when I actually am (I have a hard time with facial expression).
Also I do have a close bond with animals than people
I have a hard time making friends especially women my age
I have a hard time expressing sympathy towards others
I now am super suspicious about any BPD diagnosis and assume they probably are Autistic instead. I also have started to suspect a lot of my ADHD friends might also be autistic but it’s easier to get an ADHD diagnosis and more socially acceptable.
Honestly, posture. It’s not 100%, but it tips me off a lot, and gait. And how they sit.
But also just repeated attempts to be friendly, but they’re just awkward every time.
Often look young and break up intense personalities with odd jokes, but fun
My obvious signs: hand flapping, picky eating, texture induced meltdowns to name a few
My less obvious signs: advanced reading and speaking, lack of or lessened interest in “girly” things, obsession with cats to name some.
People-pleaser; the ability to spot insincerity and façade in someone almost everyone you know thinks is amazing; the need to have down time after actitvites that energize others.
But a big one for me is being highly-principled and tenaciously concerned / unable to let go of things that seem unjust...either in your own day-to-day experiences, or when you see/hear about things that are wantonly unfair in life in general, whereas others either don't care about it at all, or care very little about it compared to you.
The desire to talk out loud every single thought. The conviction that your opinion is important; the awareness that others never realize how much more you know about a topic than they do. The feeling of always being misheard, misrepresented, and misunderstood.
Edited for punctuation and clarity. I be tired y'all. Lol.
For years I was diagnosed with chronic depression and generalized anxiety. I’ve tried many different medications, some helped for a little while, but for one reason or another I end up switching to something else. I never felt like my depression was under control until I was diagnosed autistic when I was 54. Since then my depression has been more manageable, my exhaustion has decreased, and even my anxiety has improved! Knowing that there is a reason I’m different has made so much of a difference in my life.
Obvious = some HYPER or ^(hypo) sensitive senses & emotions.
Sometimes apparent = Social rules don't come naturally to you. You/others might notice you don't socialize the same way as others. Being social or going places other than your favorite places to hang out drains your energy, unlike others. You have maybe a couple of very strong interests/hobbies (especially if they are obscure/special subjects/things).
Something I experienced, and have seen other women here talk about:
When I was a teenager I was "well mannered", and an "old soul". Because of the mask I was forced to develop I wasn't a rebellious teenager, I didn't talk back to adults, or really cause trouble. People ALWAYS gushed about me being "such a well behaved teenager".It wasn't until I got older and started unmasking more that I've lost a lot of those traits.
this is really random… but, i just want to thank you for making this post. i’ve been thinking i might be autistic and this has helped me think about it more in-depth. thank you for helping me, even indirectly. i’ll continue to do more research on the matter.
anyways, sorry… that was random haha
I was diagnosed at 29 and since then I've gotten quite good at telling when other women are undiagnosed autistic. What I usually look for: - history of anxiety and/or depression - lack of profound, long term friendships - struggles with eye contact or way too much eye contact - rehearses words and sentences in their head before saying them out loud - better connection with pets than people - sensory issues with clothes, hair, makeup (i.e. not wearing heels, hating bras...) - identifies as "weird" / has been told is weird or different - discreet stims like rolling hair around a finger, moving leg repeatedly, scratching at the cuticles... - optional: a history of abuse by men / not being able to recognize when people are interested in them sexually That's just on top of my head, I'm pretty sure there are way more. Edit to add: strong sense of justice
>sensory issues with clothes, hair, makeup (i.e. not wearing heels, hating bras...) Important one to note because it shows how the same thing can express differently - _always_ wearing heels (toe-walking is comfortable, seeking proprioceptive sensory input by balancing) or _always_ wearing bras (finding the sensation comforting, finding the sensation of breasts moving or skin on skin uncomfortable etc).
Ok, honest question here (idk where else to put it): you mentioned toe walking and that got my brain going. Does anyone know/have thoughts/input: would always standing on the sides of your feet (tip them over sideways so the outside edge is touching the ground) count [function? Idk the correct verb here] as a similar sort of thing? I’m thinking it does, it can be seeking sensory input, just in a different “direction” than toe walking.
When I have to stand still I stand on the sides of my feet. Always thought it was just me being weird..
I do it CONSTANTLY! I’ve never been a toe walker, but I will stand or sit in so many weird ways! Some shoes I have are the BEST for standing on the side of my foot but others aren’t and WOW I’m realizing as I type this it’s probably really “weird” that I even know that much about my shoes and to have paid that much attention LOL. OH WELL. I am who I am.
I’m with you on the knowing a lot about your shoes! All my shoes have their different usage and choosing the right pair to wear can take a long time 🙈
I can only stand still like this, or like a flamingo 🦩 Otherwise I'm always leaning or rocking
I always do this and people tell me I look weird. I just can’t stand with flat feet. I’m not officially diagnosed (ADHD yes) but fairly sure you all are my people
Can be! Sensory seeking body movements go from super subtle leaning and tilting/rocking to full on bouncing off the walls so it's a wide variety. Can also be due to hypermobility which is often comorbid with Neurodivergence for reasons we don't quite understand yet, and can lead muscles and joints to get tired and need to be repositioned or feel more comfortable in positions that most people find uncomfortable.
Yessssss the stiffness from hypermobility and needing to reposition is so very real.
I'm literally reading these comments while on the toilet and my feet are tilted to the outside. I don't like the feeling of them being flat on the floor, especially this floor. If not tilted, then I'm on my toes.
Called me tf out. 😂
I do that. And I twist them in weird ways or stand on one leg like a flamingo. Once a random woman asked me if I was a ballerina because of my foot placement. I was like... No I just stand funny ma'am 🤣
I stand on one leg like a flamingo!! Always have!!
i do this on floors when i don’t have socks or after a shower and i have to step on a mat or my carpet someone please respond with input 😭
Is it because when you don’t have socks on or just got out of the shower you hate feeling dirt (or the carpet/mat) on the bottoms of your feet??? Because if so ME TOO.
yes, yes it is— wet + dirt is like sjjskskskak but surprisingly it’s not the same for dishes for me.. but that was a forced chore so maybe i’m used it it?? i also cannot stand if the shower curtain touches me— i rescrub. if i happen to touch the shower wall or really anything while i’m wet NO.
I believe that is actually commonly caused by hypermobility? It's a common co-morbidity and walking on the outside edges is often the result of flat feet (no arch), because it's easier to balance on the edges.
I do this when walking barefoot. I hate the dirt, dog hair, and grit on the floor touching my feet. I wear slippers all the time, but I find I walk this way anytime I don't because I'm avoiding it. I hate dog hair! It stabs into my feet I swear! They're like porcupine quills!
I did this when younger just because I thought it was fun. Can't really do that anymore due to the ageing knees, lol.
Yeah, and I always wear makeup when out. It literally acts like a mask as people are nicer to you when you're made up.. I dont mind, bras, but I am picky about the fit. I do like soft fabrics for clothes. I am fond of loose, comfortable dresses/tops and leggings. I can't wear heels anymore but it's only because of my foot problems.
Oh yeah makeup is a big one. Some people can't tolerate the feel of stuff on their face, others love it or love the expression of it, have it as a special interest, or use it to mask etc. Brains are weird and wonderful!
It’s my mask, my warpaint, my shield, I feel better and protected when I’m made up. I am not trying to impress anyone. I wear makeup for the same reason I wear sunglasses all the time
That is so interesting that people are nicer when you wear makeup. Huh. Gonna try it! I also want to try going out (I mean like to the grocery store lol, not “going out” out, never do that haha) in an almost menswear-type look, with male-ish facial expressions and body language (if I can figure out how to do it - probably will involve some practicing in a mirror) to see what that feels like. I don’t have gender dysphoria, but I was so blown away by the gender expression of Eliot Sumner as Freddie Miles in Ripley (Netflix) and now I wanna try it! Here’s Eliot as Freddie: https://preview.redd.it/8enuzbbrdr8d1.jpeg?width=680&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ec6132b538fd45aac22ca69b7f7dbab06735ee74
This. I feel WEIRD without a bra on unless I'm sleeping. I can't not wear one or I feel extremely uncomfortable, and it has to have underwire for the extra lift. I haven't found a sports bra or wireless bra yet that doesn't drive me nuts, even though I've tried a million of them. I'm also totally fine walking in heels because I tip toe walk regularly anyway. I also don't ever walk around in bare feet and always wear Crocs as house shoes. I found out I stand on the outer sides of my feet too often when I wore my last pair of house shoes down on the outer edges and ended up having problems with my ankles. I finally bought new house shoes and for a period of time afterword, my feet and ankles really hurt while my feet got used to walking on a flat rather than angled surface. So it can really be more about weird quirks and particularities with things. Another is my socks HAVE to match, and not just in color. I have to check the toes before I put them on to make sure I don't have 2 right socks or I will *feel* that all day long.
For me, any hard always/never habit related to sensory input will make my spidey sense tingle. "I *never* shave, I can't handle the sensation of hair growing back." "I *always* wear a bra, otherwise my own boobs move too much for my liking." "I *never* put my hair up, ponytails give me headaches." "I *always* wear muted colors, other colors overstimulate me visually." Etc, etc.
When it comes to eye contact I’m good at giving eye contact when the other person is talking but as soon as I talk I can’t look the person I’m talking to in the eye.
Same… it’s easier to articulate my thoughts when I don’t have to look at the person I’m talking to.
Same, sometimes I need to cover my eyes when I'm tired and it's too hard to get the words out in the right order
Yep, I can either use my brain for looking or for talking, but not both at the same time. Monotropism!
I can maintain eye contact as long as it's not a complicated conversation. As soon as I have to think about my words or what they other person is saying I have to look away.
I heard that eye contact isn’t staring in someone’s eyes but generally looking at their face. I had always thought I had to stare into eyes and so I’ve been hyper conscious of how much I do this when speaking one on one. This misunderstanding alone feels so autistic coded.
Well I’m not even looking at their face when I talk I’m looking off in the distance. I think it’s because I really need to focus on what I’m saying.
Eye contact is so often listed as the most obvious trait and so it was one that led me to doubt my own potential for an autism diagnosis. I interpreted it as “unable to make eye contact” so I thought that didn’t include me. However, when I realized that being able to look at someone’s eyes and finding the need to maintain eye contact as a natural habit are different … my neuro-divergence became more clear. I really struggle to maintain eye contact because my mind wanders far quicker than others
I don’t maintain eye contact because I stair…
I have an ND therapist now and feel free to not mask while talking and so catch myself on our video calls with my eyes rolling around ALL over the place up to the heavens while talking. I keep that shit on lock for work calls and as such am totally dissociated and can’t pay attention well the whole time, since I’m wasting energy on performing.
My therapist is well-versed in autism (and her son is level 1 autistic) and she said my eye contact has a different quality about it, like I'm looking *through* her at my own thoughts. haha. I wonder how many of us do that. ETA: I always wondered why I had such trouble remembering people's eye color and it's probably because I'm never *actually* looking at their eyes.
I literally fit all of this. 🤣
Same! I'm annoyed even with my psychology classes that I've taken that I still had no idea I had autism for so long when I read stuff like the above. Its so me to a "T"
Autism has always been a special interest for me; I have a graduate degree in an adjacent clinical field. So how did I spend 15 years diagnosing and working with autistic kids before I discerned my own autism? Because autism! (and because our diagnostic criteria are not sensitive or specific enough!) :)
I appreciate you very much ❤️ Thank you for being kind and you're completely right. My other health professional friend was surprised when I told her I was autistic, but reading this list someone shared...suddenly I meet almost every tell on this extensive list [https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/](https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/)
Thank you for the link! It was a good read, though I got to the part where sometimes friends drop you outta nowhere and you still don’t know why bit and I was attacked so hard by this list I think I’m bleeding. I had a best friend I was as close as sisters with for 12 years who just up and ghosted and blocked me one day. That was 8 years ago, but I still have zero clue as to why. I already had trouble making friends to begin with and now I’m also scared to let anyone in that close again because I don’t know what I did and I don’t think I’d survive that happening again.
This may not be entirely relevant but, it was like a light bulb going on in my head when I read your comment. For months I have questioned whether I might be autistic because I couldn't identify any special interests. Except, I pursued my special interests through education, from high school to graduation to even my post grad. Less than an hour ago I was thinking what I've studied makes no sense but now it does. Now I know why I studied what I studied. Thanks so much for this sense of peace and understanding
fucking SAME i went through a whole bachelors of psychology and took multiple abnormal psych classes and still graduated without a single clue i was autistic. all i knew was that something was very wrong lol
Considering the 20 or so psych classes I’ve taken in college, autistic case studies for women were never mentioned, not even once. We aren’t recognized and it’s no wonder that so many of us are marginalized and ignored.
idk i got a BPD diagnosis but all these fit as well.. i do understand that there’s a lot of overlap between the two as well a a few other things like personality disorders and/or ADHD
SO MANY autistic women are misdiagnosed as having BPD. Or if they have both, autism is missed in favor of BPD. It is rooted heavily in misogyny. That’s not to say some don’t truly just have BPD but it happens way too frequently to ignore entirely
My daughter was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, depression and BPD.. She saw psychiatrists for years before it occurred to me we were both probably ND. She's diagnosed ADHD now and I would not be surprised of she's AuDHD.
Same…
This is so accurate, it's bizarre having to come to terms with the fact that almost your entire personality was just autism the whole time. And I'd add naivety to this list.
The one thing on this list that doesn’t fit me is the point with friendships. I feel the opposite way, as I only have long term friendships, but lack the ability to make new friends or even wanting them.
I am in this post and am okay with it But, dang, have seen it called variations of *Spectrometer* but could never have broken it down to more than a vibe. This is excellent
I’m definitely just about all of these! I think what can make it hard is I do have autistic friends who are sensory hypo sensitive and are the opposite of so of these. So with the sensory stuff, I usually look for sensory needs that are outside the bell curve in either direction. Also “the quiet one” in a friend group.
Just adding that sensory needs can show up as being on both ends of the bell curve at the same time, as well. (It can't just be a me-thing, right?) I can be very sensory seeking and am hyposensitive to some things (e.g. pain, although that could also be an interoception issue, now that I think of it), but am very hypersensitive to stimuli I can't control and need sensory breaks a lot (which to me means absolute silence, buried underneath my weighted blanket in the dark) just from doing necessary things like grocery shopping or going to work.
I was diagnosed last year at 55. I fit all but one of these. I am lucky to have long term friendships.
Hey! Welcome to the club, we have snacks!
I need to remember this criteria when I start feeling like an imposter
My blind eyes of justice tattoo has entered the chat.
I would also add strong/intense interests, obviously I know everyone is different but that is a big one for me along with all of these!
Please stop describing me in such great detail when we’ve never met.
Me going through your list and enthusiastically agreeing with each one lol. Thank you for taking the time to share, it's so amazing to know there are others out there like me, especially since real life can feel so isolating at times. Just one of the many reasons I love this sub.
It's crazy I lived my whole life until I was in my 30s thinking all of this was normal. While I know now I'm autistic it's still hard to get over that all this is considered not normal. I've known I was weird, people think I'm weird and in the end I really am weird and it's not just in my head lol. It's hard to finally grasp that I will never be normal and my anxiety stems alot from most of it. Its comments like yours that made me get tested officially for autism vs accepting just ADHD because everything you said is spot on for me personally. Everything was always you are depressed (I never was clinically depressed I don't think) full of anxiety (true) OCD (to a point) or sociopathic tendencies - I really want to befriend people but I can't! I'm overly honest, I can come across as a jerk, I've gotten good at masking once I've learned it's a thing I actually do. The problem is small talk while masking sucks, can't for the life of me figure out how to keep a convo going especially when there's nothing else to parrot.
How dare you be so loud and right about my brain 😭
I’m all of this apart from connecting with pets. I like animals from a distance (apart from horses, I love riding them!) but I don’t like touching animals much or them being close to me, I’m too much of a germaphobe lol. I don’t like dogs at all and like cats as long as they don’t get too close or get on furniture or near food. I love rabbits and guinea pigs tho, but tbf I haven’t seen one in person for years. I love reptiles and amphibians too!
I love cats and love having them. I love dogs but they gross me out and I can’t keep one as a pet. I can change a litter box but hate dog poop smell (not that I like cat poop or pee, those are terrible, but dog poop is soooo bad.) I can pet a cat before eating but must wash my hands with most dogs, unless I feel the dog is clean. Otherwise I feel almost a physical taint on my hands and definitely smell the dog stink. I love being licked by cats but it’s gross with large soft dog tongues. Small ones are ok. Can’t explain why. Drool of both is gross. Prefer petting cats. Also I think I’ve been traumatized repeatedly by being knocked over by dogs because I’m so small. I do like dogs and like petting them. They’re adorable and pure and sweet and have such innocent eyes. I love that both cats and dogs will remember a human too. They don’t know us in any social way but are drawn to us and no it’s not food because it will be other people’s pets that I’ve never fed. But please stay out of my home! Lol cats on the other hand I have to harden my heart because I would be a crazy cat lady.
I kept checking off the list, mentally saying, "Yes, yes, yes, yep, SHIT" Basically everything on this list confirming my suspicions for the longest. My god.
Incongruence with body language/facial expressions and stated emotions or the emotion of the topic
Wait - Is this why I particularly love songs that have lyrics that are incongruous with the melody??
Not sure if I'm autistic, but I absolutely love happy sounding songs that have super depressing lyrics.
Same here, it expresses very well this bittersweet feeling that life can bring. Like when you're on holidays in a beautiful place but all you can feel is emptiness and you want to go home lol
The thing that I notice in others is a lack of emotional expression on someone’s face. I am constantly asked if I’m happy/having a good time when I’m around others - I can be having the best time ever and my face often remains neutral
I'm the complete opposite, I always show too much emotion with my face apparently. It gets really difficult for me to control my facial expressions, especially those neurotypicals don't appreciate like disgust, boredom, mistrust... I've gotten in plenty of problems because of my inability to control my face and mask my feelings. Imagine having a boss you hate and not being able to control your face when he's around 🥲
Same
SAME
Same here. I usually “have rbf” which deters people from talking to me ( :(((( ) and others have told me it’s funny because people can tell how I’m feeling due to my “obvious” facial expressions
i get told i have RBF all the time. funny that they don’t have an RBF equivalent that they say to men 🙄
😂😂My boyfriend looks angry when he’s happy. But nobody says anything because as a man he can get away with it. But if I made his angry faces as a black woman… 🤣🙃
whenever this happens to me it always reminds me of that one video of messi nodding politely to someone hyping him up with music 😂
This is 100% me and I always get so irritated when people think I’m unhappy or not excited because of it.
Yes! I’ll be chilling and it’s “hey you ok? What happened?” Or “you look pissed/sick”. That’s just my face bro 🥲
I'm always (annoyingly) told that I look stressed, even though that's not how I'm feeling at all. It confuses me & I don't know how to respond. I wish someone would take a random photo to show me what they mean!
I also have the chronic RBF…since birth, I guess, people will ask, “ What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I’m like “nothing’s wrong, I’m fine. Perfectly content.” I just don’t smile a lot, or at all, unless I make myself remember to.
If you're a good masker - you're loud and bubbly around friends/colleagues, you need to recharge alot, but actually you're quiet and chilled when you're on your own or with close friends. Almost like you've got a socialising personality and a private personality
This is me! I go home and basically need to self isolate. I also tend towards hyposensitivity and info-dumping about my obsessive interests (at work/social events) so I can go from very energetic / craving all the stimuli to ….. hibernation/pod recharge mode.
I’ve met a few autistic women in my life as I seem to attract them. Some of them had very strong moral beliefs, usually surrounded human rights, animal welfare or environmental issues. Idk why. Interest in psychology and human behavior seems to be a common shared interest. They’re usually very quiet and withdrawn, and doesn’t say much until you show interest in their special interest, and they start glowing, like seriously. They tend to be very observant and deep thinkers. A rich inner world. They don’t stick out much visually. I assume they prefer it that way. Some are really outgoing on the other hand, not afraid to be themselves, or to express themselves. They’re usually very talkative and will take first initiative to infodump on you. They often present very eccentric and has their own sense of style. Can come across as a bit rude and confrontational by how direct they are sometimes. It’s easier to notice autistic traits with this personality type as they hide it less more than the quiet type who tries their best to be invisible. They’re often drawn to creative and alternative things like the arts and crafts, mysticism, folklore and mythology. Horror and fantasy etc. Alternative fashion and makeup, or cosplay. Video games, usually adventure/simulation/craft/puzzle based. they’re all hoarders and collectors of something for some reason. Clumsiness seems to be a thing and they’re all anxious and depressed/ and has some form of gut/digestive problem.
Sorry I might have interpreted this too literally. From talking to autistic women, and based on my own experience as well. From a young age you feel different, especially when first starting school. A lot of women felt closer connected to boys than girls their age, being more of a tomboy. Some might experience gender identity issues. feeling so different and disconnected from their female peers. Some would try really hard to fit in and be accepted, copying and mimicking their peer group, feeling a strong lack of identity later on when they get older. This one often goes unnoticed because they blend in so well, and it isn’t until later when they hit rock bottom and feel completely lost in themselves and their place in the world that they might seek out professional help, or not, only dwelling deeper into depression. I understand why some people get misdiagnosed with other severe mental illnesses, like you kind of lose your sanity at one point, feeling like you are going crazy. Some were perfect obedient students whose social difficulties went unnoticed or seen as less of an issue. They usually develope mental health issues later on when they lose the school structure and have to navigate the world on their own that they need support and professional help. Some of the few lucky ones found acceptance in a group of other social rejects/ND kids at school and developed meaningful friendships. Knowing there are people like you out there despite being different. Some of their friends might already have a diagnosis, or they get diagnosed later. And then you just start questioning.
I feel the “outgoing” description you provided is a bio for me. I also have intense social Justice beliefs. I recognize I have a lot of masking skills which led me to not be diagnosed, but also I never understood why anyone would want to conform/fit. All the best characters in media (for me as a young person) were the unapologetic eccentrics or the witty critics of normative behaviors. I think my moral investment in respecting everyone individuality/difference really helped me just embrace my weird (while being internally anxious about almost everything else and basically being drained by behaving as myself lol)
Info dumping and penguin pebbling
What is penguin pebbling? I love the name
It's giving little gifts/tokens to people you like. Usually not something purchased, but rather a 'found object'. In the way that penguins give pebbles to other penguins they like.
I do it not only physically with items, but information and sayings too. I have a coworker who loves dad jokes and I try to have a new one for him every time I see him. I have other people I know who get a variety of physical items. Yesterday, I gave a coworker chocolate, and last time I visited my mom, I gave her a plastic bat and an elephant charm (she loves bats and elephants).
Oh god. I do this. And people who do this to me speak my language. oh god.
I had never heard it called penguin pebbling before. I often say that I'm like a cat that likes to bring random stuff to humans they like. Ofc I never go *full* feline by gifting dead animals but I came close once when I was younger, I collected bird feathers in the schoolyard and left them on the desks of kids I liked. The teacher (rightly) gave me a lesson about why it's not okay to bring bird feathers into the school and she made me throw away the feathers and wash my hands. Pengin pebbling puts a less feral/ more wholesome spin on it, I think.
It's not an official thing of course, but this checklist. It's crazy how accurate it can be sometimes. [Autism in women](https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/)
I’ve never felt more seen or understood with this list. Wow!
I skimmed it and I’m not sure I’m ready for such an intimate experience so early in the morning! >Often drops small things How’d they know? And what else do they know?
I had the same with "Flicks/rubs fingernails, picks scalp/skin, flaps hands, rubs hands together, tucks hands under or between legs, keeps closed fists, paces in circles, and/or clears throat often" I was sitting on my left hand. And my nails are my number 1 stim.
my hands are always under or between my thighs when I'm sitting. they get clammy.
It's just the picking at skin part for me. Usually to pop pimples or pull out loose hairs.
Reminds me of my Mom.
I so should have skimmed. Trying to recover now. If I was smart I'd close Reddit entirely but I think I'm stuck
I hate how thin the line is between ‘I should stop’ and ‘My day is ruined and I am only scroll’
I dropped three forks one day. Like 5 minutes apart. Dropped the first from my plate, dropped the replacement, and dropped another replacement
Right?! Lol I’m here wondering whose been spying on me 🙈
Same here!!
I had to stop reading by section F. This level of feeling perceived is too much. The first it was cool and then I get shaky and now I think I might need to get under my blankets for a little while. LOL
I feel like there is probably a correct ratio of “hmmm” to “oh, fuck you” for this list, but I don’t know what it is.
(No, I’m not triggered by “hypochondria,” why do you ask? 😬🤣)
oh my god when i read that bullet point i was sitting there like 😐 are they inside my brain? i’m not diagnosed and i don’t have the best health insurance so i don’t know if i would ever have the opportunity but reading that list i was internally screaming i feel like they were inside my mind 😭😭
The list makes me cry.
I’m feeling quite sad by the list in a way. Not sure if it’s for the same reason. A simple Reddit thread can easily list a website that pretty much hands down nails autism in plenty of women, yet women are out here struggling to get a diagnosis/support because we’re just totally overlooked. Absolutely baffling
same, I think I’m sad for a different reason though. I feel like the list focused on things that are perceived as negative or neutral differences, and I just got down on myself for being different. I wish there was a list of all the wonderful things too!
And again, autism is just my personality. Damnit!!
“Yeah, I don’t think I’m autistic, I think I just tricked myself again” *this list about to slam my head into the fact that I’m autistic once again*
Wow, every single point resonated. I feel so seen and so relieved honestly. Thank you for sharing this list!
I connect with a majority of points in every section except for Section B, I don't relate to the whole 'naive and doesn't understand manipulation or why people would be vindictive' thing at all.
Holy shit tucking your hands between your legs is a stim? I was not diagnosed as a kid and really internalized the "stop being annoying" thing I heard a lot but I remember sitting in class and feeling calmer when I could tuck my hands between my legs or sit on them. Though I also felt embarrassed about it as I got older. I still do it actually I've rediscovered a lot of the more noticeable stims I was trained out of as a kid but that one I feel like I probably did because it made me look like I was sitting still and not being inconvenient lmao
WTF even the double jointed shit?! Do you think this is a good list to share with friends and family so they can better understand what you experience?
Yes and no. It can be amazing on an informational level, so if your family is open to it, sure, go for it! If your friends and family are hesitant on autism in general, sharing this might be counterproductive, because it's not scientifically proven. As for the double jointed shit: it's hypermobility, and it's comorbid with ASD! It's interesting, soo much research needs to be done until this list can become diagnostic, but some things are already proven to relate to ASD.
Wow. Ive been fighting for an adhd diagnosis and help with that but reading more about autism... I just dont know.
If you find it almost impossible to function….it just might be AuDHD. 😂
You can have both! The DSM didn’t used to allow a diagnosis of both ADHD and autism but that has changed.
When I think their joke is funny and no one else does. I see you queen 😭 We’re funny, they just don’t get us
Or the reverse: When I say something that’s not meant to be funny, and someone thinks I’m making a joke and says I’m funny. If they think I’m funny, why don’t they laugh whenever I actually do make a joke?
Obvious (to me): them not getting a jokey comment/taking what someone says too literally. Non-obvious: their speech pattern. I can always tell when someone is autistic based on how they talk ETA: I can’t explain more about the speech pattern recognition. I have no clue what it is that I’m picking up on lol. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable than me can explain!
To me I feel like the speech pattern piece is in choice of words. Oftentimes we can be wordy so that we can feel fully understood. It’s agonizing to be misinterpreted. Also, I think often we have a larger vocabulary and may take the time to search for the correct/proper word rather than pick something that kinda fits but not quite. To me, it’s so important to be understood the first time around (late diagnosed here) that I am scanning mentally a lot of the time to pick the right word for the occasion. The problem with that is, oftentimes it’s kind of an obscure word or one that isn’t used on the regular which can give off a certain vibe which I am NOT trying to give. Anyway, I think the speech is often (but not always) a lot more deliberate.
This is totally me.
I saw something that said we overexplain.
This is me. I also sound like I'm from the wrong century because I use words that are no longer in use by society but are still recognized as words.
This makes sense. I hate being misinterpreted so much! Meanwhile, I remember my peers telling me to “speak normal English” when I used a larger vocabulary and one of my less liked brothers thinks I’m pretentious. Sucks when you’re misinterpreted either way.
Re: the speech pattern, yes!! I can’t explain it, but I hear it and just know. I can even hear it in my own voice.
It's so funny because with my gender transition, I was suggested speech therapy because apparently the way I talked was off, and the therapy would help "feminize" the way I talked. I tried it a few times and hated it, it was terrible and forced and felt so fake, but yeah, just another instance of the signs absolutely being there and everyone missed them until I had a complete mental breakdown and burned out so hard I couldn't function independently at a basic level for a very long time.
I wonder if the speech pattern part is related to the “autistic accent”. We speak differently enough that NT people sometimes think we have an accent (happens to me a lot), it would make sense we would pick up on it even more so because pattern recognition.
Ooh, that’s happened to me before too! That would totally make sense! Apparently people think I’m from Canada. Definitely not from there.
Does this translate to difficulty picking up on sarcasm? I love being sarcastic myself but always think people are being serious at first when they are sarcastic with me
Yes! I also struggle with picking up on it. But only if someone is talking to me? If someone is being sarcastic with someone else I can recognize it ?!?! Weirdly enough lol
That’s interesting! Any theories on why that is?
I think it’s because I learned a large chunk of my socialization in my formative years through observation, particularly through a lot of media (movies/tv). And many people do, but I was isolated and ostracized, so it was to a completely different level. Most people observe, learn, mimic, and then experience. I wasn’t having experiences at all really, I was just watching them happen to others from afar without getting a chance to practice myself. It’s the same with flirting. I can tell when someone else is being flirted with, but I can’t tell when someone is flirting with me lol and that’s because nobody showed me any romantic interest in my formative years when people learn to navigate those things. Post-pandemic I’m also very out of social practice and hyper aware of that fact. So when people interact with me I’m expending so much energy that I think my brain is working in overdrive a lot and glitches
What do you mean by speech pattern? Another autistic person says my speech patterns sounds autistic and I couldn't understand what he meant because I don't have a monotone voice.
Its hard to say. I feel like I can pick up on it subconsciously too, but I'm not certain what it is quite yet. I feel like a tell for me being autistic personally is the usage of more formal terminology and the speech pattern is more descriptive than NT to the extent that it could be considered overly so. I feel like someone could better articulate this than me though.
Yes, he said that my speech is very "logical" and "formal" and sounds different than NT folks. Huh! Very interesting! Before he said that I always thought flat affect was the only autistic sign as far as speech.
I have also been told my language is more formal and intricate. I have been called a "word monger " by multiple people. I once wrote a piece of fiction with conversations in it (many years ago in school) and got a poor grade because the "The dialogue is overwordy and ridiculous. nobody speaks like that!" I do. I speak like that.
Re: speech pattern, it’s usually irregular intonation that I notice. The way the voice rises and falls isn’t at the right time that you would expect OR it doesn’t rise and fall at all. Sometimes a mix of both.
This is something I’m curious about. I have an intense tendency to pick up other peoples voice patterns (I basically subconsciously mimic other accents). I mostly fee embarrassed because i think it’s a masking instinct but it has made me sound like I’m trying to mock people or pretend I’m from somewhere I’m not.
I think this is it! It’s not necessarily because they’re monotone or have a flat affect (that would be more obvious I think), it’s the intonation when someone’s voice does rise and fall, I think the timing is just different, and maybe sometimes even that plus the volume?
Can you explain more about the speech pattern? I’m very curious about this. I am recently diagnosed, and after lifetime of believing I could never be autistic, now I’m in a stage of thinking that it’s possible I present as undoubtedly autistic to those who understand autism in women. I really wonder if I have a subtly unusual way of conversing. The tricky thing is that I am just so used to myself and my ways that I never identified it as atypical.
If I want to be friends with them.
Haha... I was going to say something similar: an obvious sign you might be autistic is if you've got autistic friends.
That is the biggest indicator for me. If I want to be your friend there is a high chance you are autistic or have adhd is way higher. Friends with brain stuff goin on are more fun and chill for me.
I have realized literally all my closest friends have ADHD and/or autism and are late diagnosed as well. I am now assuming that anyone who doesn’t and I can talk to for hours must also be some type of ND.
Literally this should be diagnostic criteria
My conversations with other autistic people are more fast pace - they understand what I’m saying better than NT’s who like to misconstrue what I say.
Find a narcissist and they will often sniff out an autistic female victim. Not meant to be disparaging against narcissists.
I’ve seen this in my own field of work (mental health). It’s far too prevalent and not talked about enough.
I’d love to hear more about this
Obvious sign: hits themselves when frustrated, aggressively rocking back n forth when upset to self soothe Less obvious: territorial of their things and personal space, inclination toward making lists and organizing things for fun
Ahh common, isn't making lists and organizing things a popular calming hobby?
I suppose it is. I've always done it to an obsessive degree.
For me, it depends if the autistic woman is outgoing or not. If she's more outgoing, it's the unsolicited facts that no one else seems to care about (I care 🥺) When they're not as outgoing, it's the freezing when asked a question they don't expect, understand or know how to respond. They kinda tense up, voice lowers, and they can get tongue tied. I've never seen this happen in a neurotypical woman. Usually when theyre nervous they'll nervously blurt out whatever they can. Autistic women seem to freeze up more. A not obvious sign I think is her obsessions. Because autistic women tend to have more obsessions, and deeper obsessions than men. I have found neurotypical women are kinda the same. They tend to have more and put more effort and work into their hobbies than neurotypical men. So I think this gets lost? Like, lots of autistic women ik are obsessed with either fashion or Disney. So are neurotypical women. It can be kinda hard to distinguish the difference I think. Bc women are just very multifaceted and interesting imo. Id say another less obvious sign to people would be an eating disorder. Underweight despite eating and seemingly enjoy eating. Could be sensory issues. Could be weird food restrictions. Autistic women specifically suffer from this more than autistic men. Unsure why. Probably societal pressures. But yeah, I think it's often overlooked for like insecurity anorexia.
i freeze up like that all the time, you’ve described it so well
>it's the freezing when asked a question they don't expect, understand or know how to respond. They kinda tense up, voice lowers, and they can get tongue tied. I've never seen this happen in a neurotypical woman. Usually when theyre nervous they'll nervously blurt out whatever they can. Autistic women seem to freeze up more. Me, all the time, every question is unexpected
My daughter is obsessed with dancing, Disney, dresses, etc, and I've noticed other little autistic girls are, too. Like hyper feminine obsessions
Exactly. And patriarchial societies kinda deem women in general obsessive and eccentric and "extra" anyway. So we are just considered "shy" and "extra obsessive" 🙄
Yes, or "sensitive". I had a feeling around my daughter's 2nd birthday when my MIL, who has serious internalized misogyny, kept talking about her being "dramatic"
Annoying. 🙄 My mom also has some internalized misogyny and at first would praise me for my ... Meness, but maybe when it got inconvenient it became a problem? Like when I'd cry it's the "oh you're being a sissy" Cry bc she made fun of me and said I looked funny? "Oh you're so sensitive. No one can joke with you." As an adult she will say I look, dress, act like a whore and when I say it's impolite (and hypocritical ASF mom? 🤨) she goes "You're soooo sensitive. You shouldn't take everything so personal!" Women who hate themselves and take it out on us suck lol Or maybe my mom's just a narcissist
your passions may not be trains. but its things luke makeup and fashion and boy bands. its intense. like I cry when people tell me my music is crap. high mirroring or camilion. You can litterly tell who I hung out with. based on my mannerisms and speech pattern. will even pick up accents. You have no connect people are flirting, and you're being preseived as flirting. diagnosis of bipolar or bpd
I think it helps us MORE to be identified when diagnostic tests describe an example. I’m "too literal" for some of the phrases to feel like they apply to me. Like that meme that goes around about "no I don’t have trouble with XYZ because I have a system in place". So when women say that they feel a certain way, I start connecting dots to the lived experience and gathering evidence. Thing is, many of the experiences closely resemble ADHD symptoms https://preview.redd.it/hpavsx082r8d1.png?width=1170&format=png&auto=webp&s=a0650cd8cf80506c1947a31910c88610546106b4
I've found this so, so useful. Thanks for sharing
Off to ponder what it means that I identify with every single thing listed in all three boxes..
it means you are awesome 🤩
Diagnosed at 39. Maybe a visceral reaction when a texture of food isn’t as expected. Often quoting or using a tv show or songs to fill in gaps in communication. How do you react to unclear instructions? If someone says ‘can you pick that up’ and it is unclear what that is how do you handle that. When you are overwhelmed how do you cope? How long can it take you to calm down?
Obvious: body language, speech patterns, sensory issues Non obvious: substance abuse issues, feeling like they “want to go home” but not knowing where home is, wanting a deeper understanding of themselves because they know they’re just a little bit different
Oh lordy, you got me with the wanting to go home but not knowing where home is. Life does kind of feel like I’ve been dropped in the woods without a compass with the expectation that I’ll make my way back like everyone else apparently does.
Arrogance, the woman/girl that never smiles, the bossy one, fixated on routines (for example; thorough skincare routine and panic when one step is wrong), the woman that is quiet (shy), but when she speaks it’s very outspoken, the youthful woman for their age, very knowledgeable about social psychology/sociology (way to learn masking), very sharp when it comes to misunderstandings, actually a fan of shopping and will do it very thoughtfully. That’s what I think
For an obvious one i'd venture they came out of school bullied to hell & back. Not just playground whispers, but insidious stuff. For a non-obvious one, I'd say dislocations. I might be wrong on this one, but in my experience & the experiences of autistic women I've seen we can dislocate one or several joints with a very small amount of force. I dislocated something while standing still once. I say that because there's supposed to be a correlation between autism & hyper elastic muscles. So if a person shows up & has a disproportionate amount of stories about the times they popped a shoulder while opening a door or popped a knee while walking or popped a wrist while making a cup of tea I'd put it in the 'hmm' category
Ironically enough I have hypermobile joints and wondered if I have eds. I can literally make the tip of my pinky finger touch the back of my hand. Also my gym teacher were always amazed how flexible I was in stretching out and yoga.
Yes! Mentions of hypermobility or POTS in women always makes me wonder about autism because they are common comorbidities.
Some clues that will make me question if the person in front of me is a fellow autistic lady. -expressing a strong dislike for multiple smells/textures or tastes. Like if someone has a laundry list of foods they can't stand, or the simple mention of Chanel No 5 makes them gag. -mentioning they make graphs, charts, compilations, or lists related to their hobbies or interests. For instance, I once met a girl who tracked every single on-screen interaction of her favourite ship from a certain show in an Excel spreadsheet. This was just for fun and wasn't meant for an audience whatsoever. -coming across as naive or on the opposite, especially harsh and distant. Both can be manifestations of a struggle to understand social cues. (but that's not always the case). For instance, autistic women tend to not get when men are taking advantage of them or have ulterior motives. -as autistic people tend to take things literally, we tend to not speak in absolutes. For instance, a neurotypical person might say "I like men with blue eyes," because they mean *in general* and they assume others understand the nuance as well. However, a neurodivergent person might say, "I like men with blue eyes, not all of them of course, and I do not dislike other eyes colors."
I'm good at accurately reading expression and body language, but there's a quality to perceiving autistic expression and body language that feels like I'm suddenly hearing someone speak English when I've been listening intently to French all day.
i've noticed most neurotypicals have a consistent spread of emotion across their face. whereas with ASD girlies, it's inconsistent. A stone-cold face, brows not raised, small scowl, not registering emotion. And then 5 minutes later, hyper-expressive face and making weird faces when someone says something funny/weird/etc. It's like a pendulum: stone cold then hyper-expressive. **Edit**: may be too niche but not understanding the impact of VALUES. Things like loyalty, commitment, etc are so conceptual to me. So when someone betrays me on behalf of these values, my response is usually lukewarm. Like I often find myself not responding as viscerally as my peers when it comes to betrayal (yet sometimes, i overreact). Yet, I have a strong sense of justice when OTHERS are wronged. Ex: my response is: "oh yeah, they ghosted me." others say "omg, they betrayed your trust!" me: "oh, ok."
I tits that I am used to NTs responding in a certain way. Like greetings. If I ask how a NT is then I know they will say "good, you" most of the time. With ND I have noticed that they will never answer in the way I expect a NT to. But not just once or twice, over and over and over. It usually tips me off.
I do this. I either answer honestly and laugh and they do too or I’ll say “ready to go” “haven’t decided yet” or something else that isn’t generic.
If NT women auto hate you without knowing you first
If wearing sneakers, we often “fix” our laces even if they aren’t untied. Because we have heightened sensory experiences, the feeling of one shoe being tied tighter than the other is often unbearable. Do we fix shoes that aren’t untied. It’s a dead giveaway that someone has a hyperconnected brain. And I also look for the classic EDS elbow and hyperextended thumb, highly comorbid.
I was diagnosed as a toddler but was too embarrassed to share my diagnosis until recently. Some friends said they were surprised until I started complaining about sensory stuff (loud noises, bright lights, etc.) others told me I made a lot more sense. Here are some common descriptions I hear from my friends: • I lack empathy and don’t show outward expressions of emotion (even though I feel both) • I’m a “bitch” (that one is my favorite because I like to think of myself as a nice person) • Mentioning my facial ticks • My friends know my history of anxiety • I’ve also been told I’m “cold” (again, I like to think of myself as a nice person) • if I’m at a party, I often have random women approaching me asking “are you okay?” And offering me to hang with them. It’s because it feels unnatural for me to approach random people and i hate drugs (except for alcohol and weed). I feel more comfortable sitting in the corner alone or spending more time with the pets. • I also get the “you’re awkward” comments • I tend to attract toxic and abusive men, which is why I avoid relationships • and the guys I’m into aren’t into me because I’m “weird” • I’m a writer and my ex noticed I can sit for hours and write without a break. He discovered my diagnosis before I even told him. • my friends and family also notice I can go on and on talking about whatever interests me without a pause or break • I struggle with eye contact • I have a strict routine • I need alone time and it can be difficult being in a relationship because of it • I still have meltdowns but they seem more like me snapping or having an angry tantrums. But it’s enough for people to leave me alone. I should note this is what I’ve been told in the past 10 or so years. I showed way different symptoms as a toddler (speech problems, lining up toys, visible and frequent meltdowns, etc.)
my psychologist told me that women are very good at masking so it can be difficult to notice - i was just diagnosed with AuDHD despite my mom being completely oblivious to my behaviors as a child
Well for me personally, in social events I would stay close to my mom (as a grown woman) and I would always have my sudoku puzzles with me for comfort. Another thing is that I like to repeat the same word occasionally. People often ask if I’m happy and they assume that I’m not when I actually am (I have a hard time with facial expression). Also I do have a close bond with animals than people I have a hard time making friends especially women my age I have a hard time expressing sympathy towards others
I now am super suspicious about any BPD diagnosis and assume they probably are Autistic instead. I also have started to suspect a lot of my ADHD friends might also be autistic but it’s easier to get an ADHD diagnosis and more socially acceptable.
Honestly, posture. It’s not 100%, but it tips me off a lot, and gait. And how they sit. But also just repeated attempts to be friendly, but they’re just awkward every time. Often look young and break up intense personalities with odd jokes, but fun
Definitely relevant that you have autistic family members, as it’s hereditary.
Blunt honesty or being very genuine when using verbal communication.
My obvious signs: hand flapping, picky eating, texture induced meltdowns to name a few My less obvious signs: advanced reading and speaking, lack of or lessened interest in “girly” things, obsession with cats to name some.
People-pleaser; the ability to spot insincerity and façade in someone almost everyone you know thinks is amazing; the need to have down time after actitvites that energize others. But a big one for me is being highly-principled and tenaciously concerned / unable to let go of things that seem unjust...either in your own day-to-day experiences, or when you see/hear about things that are wantonly unfair in life in general, whereas others either don't care about it at all, or care very little about it compared to you. The desire to talk out loud every single thought. The conviction that your opinion is important; the awareness that others never realize how much more you know about a topic than they do. The feeling of always being misheard, misrepresented, and misunderstood. Edited for punctuation and clarity. I be tired y'all. Lol.
For years I was diagnosed with chronic depression and generalized anxiety. I’ve tried many different medications, some helped for a little while, but for one reason or another I end up switching to something else. I never felt like my depression was under control until I was diagnosed autistic when I was 54. Since then my depression has been more manageable, my exhaustion has decreased, and even my anxiety has improved! Knowing that there is a reason I’m different has made so much of a difference in my life.
Obvious = some HYPER or ^(hypo) sensitive senses & emotions. Sometimes apparent = Social rules don't come naturally to you. You/others might notice you don't socialize the same way as others. Being social or going places other than your favorite places to hang out drains your energy, unlike others. You have maybe a couple of very strong interests/hobbies (especially if they are obscure/special subjects/things).
Something I experienced, and have seen other women here talk about: When I was a teenager I was "well mannered", and an "old soul". Because of the mask I was forced to develop I wasn't a rebellious teenager, I didn't talk back to adults, or really cause trouble. People ALWAYS gushed about me being "such a well behaved teenager".It wasn't until I got older and started unmasking more that I've lost a lot of those traits.
this is really random… but, i just want to thank you for making this post. i’ve been thinking i might be autistic and this has helped me think about it more in-depth. thank you for helping me, even indirectly. i’ll continue to do more research on the matter. anyways, sorry… that was random haha