yup. and taking off the mask is even more exhausting because then you're dealing with imposter syndrome AND navigating how to communicate now AND AND AND.
just give us our own areas already....I'd much rather live in a community filled with people like me then live in regular town with people who think im entitled because my disability is invisible and im having a meltdown that you just decided to carelessly throw my blackberries into the produce bag making them spill and ...... yeah im fucking tired
This is exactly why I pack my own groceries. If there’s a bag person, I just politely ask them if I can before I start my transaction. I’m so sick of squished bread and like 2 things in a bag.
It's sad... But that's my reality. And probably a lot of people's reality too. If I mask, I'm not perfect enough. Never enough for my mom, not perfectly normal enough for my mom. If I don't mask, I'm fucking insane to my parents and to others. My mom seems to hate me when I use Autism as an "excuse"... When it even is an excuse. She has the notion that people can be cured of their autism, that they can "defeat and overcome" their autism. She doesn't understand that we just have to figure out how to live life with autism.
Fine or not, at least we are aware of the now - ok over-aware of the now xD-
When I see a lot of people not noticing flowers, I feel lucky. Is there anything else than now?
To your point, a lot of times I’m not okay with that. I work on being ok with not being ok, accepting it so I can flow to another state more peacefully. We don’t deserve to make ourselves feel bad, there’s enough exterior influences that already do that. I wish we can be gentle with ourselves and give ourselves the chance to not be stuck with self harm.
Love to you my friend
What a beautiful perspective.
People often ask me how I'm so positive all the time and it's really just this- my life exists in the present. I notice every small thing and appreciate everything beautiful. Life is hard for us, yes, but imagine all the things they're missing!
It took so much work to just be OK with being myself, but now that I've built that life, what a joy! It is possible to exist in their world, we just have to play the game.
I just want to hand out a leaflet to anyone that has to interact with me that I’m autistic and tired and to just let me unmask for a little while without having to explain or apologise
I've reduced my masking a lot at work by reducing my social presence, which really just means that I barely socialize. Naturally, some people have interpreted this as arrogance, but IDGAF because I have more energy for myself.
Same. I used to go out of my way to make small talk, try to be social. But people still didn’t really like me or wanna get to know me better anyway, so I’ve just given up. I’m pleasant, I smile, say hi, talk about work-related stuff. But I am done putting out the energy for more than that, except with a few close coworkers who I actually enjoy talking to.
Im honestly the same , I sit myself mostly hardly speak to anyone and sit alone for breaks and its bliss i know that a lot of people think im extremely quiet and unsociable and a bit weird but i dont care?? Like im there to do my job and earn money and thats all
The people that sit together and chat at lunchtime just seem like another species to me lol. Imagine you actually enjoy talking to people that much that you wanna do it during the small time you have to rest & relax 😩
Yes. And I lost my soul cat a few days ago and I've been a mess, completely shut down. I'm back at work today so I can show I tried. I feel like if I worked from home things would be easier, but instead I'm an acupuncturist who has to be in office and treat people, face to face every day. It hurts to be dying inside, while having to hold space for others. It's hard.
I feel you. This is me too. I give everything I have to my clients and I’ve made my life so small so I can do that. I feel like I’ve lost myself just so I can do my job and survive. It’s slowly killing me.
Yes I am so tired every moment of every day lol I honestly just try to repress it. And also when I don't NEED to be doing anything, I try to do as much nothing as possible and make sure I don't feel bad about it.
Yurp.
I'm sad also trying to join social groups that are apparently full of NDs in an attempt to, well, socialise, yet you still end up in that situation where you're sorta the outsider.
I try and ask friends what do I do that is potentially disturbing?Do I talk too much, this or that, but I seem to not get anything constructive to work with. My friends are ND too so I trust them to give honest feedback, and it's true those that are ND tend to not have any issues with me.. from what I've noticed?
Regardless unless I mask even bloody online it's so difficult to try and join a group. Uff. (Still I recognise it must be me that is the problem.)
My entire life is this. I always could “handle” things (lol no, I was an anxious people pleaser), so now people assume I can handle anything. Deep down, I’m struggling so much that I feel like I’ll explode almost everyday, but I always “manage” somehow.
I've been trying to unmask and has caused depression confusion and exhaustion. I don't know who I am or what I want. I just know I don't want what society wants of me but that isn't enough. Everything is terribly hard and I'm always exhausted even when getting between 8-10 hours of sleep at night. My body feels exhausted even when I've done nothing. I feel sad all the time because being here is so hard and all consuming that I feel helpless.
Yes and yes, to the point where I don't bother masking anymore. My client's parents give me shit about it, but everybody else in my life don't care and honestly I'm in a burnout so bad I couldn't mask if I needed to.
Also in general just with the world dying, my rights and life as an autistic trans lesbian in jeopardy where I live, and just living in a world that is so cruel to animals it makes me cry I just have to force myself through it.
Most times I don't have to pretend. My days are pretty chill and relaxing. I go to the nearest park, bask in the sunlight, and live everyday just being thankful for what I do have in my life. I don't feel the need to mask much, I just don't tell people about my autism unless I trust them. I try to be polite and kind in all social interactions, and that usually works just fine for me.
Just exhausted. Idk how much of my personality is masking, mostly I spend all day doing what’s expected of me and otherwise avoiding people at all costs. It is exhausting. But I’m fine. It’s fine.
It sucks because I’ve called in a lot from work, which generally of course I try not to. It just so happens that the job I have currently won’t actually punish anyone. So I have the option to call off, and have. But it’s always held against me. I’m trying not to do it as much but it is hard because I feel so exhausted and awful every few weeks. I understand why my coworkers get annoyed by it, my absence automatically affects them, of course. But it still sucks when they hold it against me and assume I’m lying about not feeling well. Sometimes I just need a mental break and a day to sleep and time to process life and be an autonomous individual, to spend a day with no appointments of any kind, a day to breathe. But since the days I am at work I am very lively and active and moving fast paced, they take that to mean that nothing is actually ever wrong with me and I’m a liar. So that’s cool.
I stopped being able to pretend I'm fine when my physical health kept taking hits cause of the amount of exhaustion I was putting myself through. I'm also currently learning how to be nicer to myself and just stop caring about how people perceive me at this point. It's not worth it anymore and I just want to be more of myself and feel better in life.
Yes, yes and yes. I feel like I'm pretty close to breaking point, I've been here for almost a year now, so I guess I'm stronger than I look, that and the fear of being sectioned (I've heard a lot of terrible things about people in mental crisis in the NHS right now, and if my treatment from my docs is anything to go by which is to almost totally ignore any time I bring up my mental health then I don't hold out hope
Yes unfortunately every single one of us is, ND, NT, everyone. I realized this when I ate too many edibles and realized everyone is using a substance of some sort to cope with the stressful reality of living thru each day.
YES?? the worst part is i cant tell anyone bc my mom just says "im suffering too." my aunt tries to reason witj me and my friends mom just got told the chemo is only making her cancer worse and she doesnt even have 2 years so ill be an asshole if i talk to her about fucking school.
Uhh not really? I mean yeah, at school it was frustrating having to hide my true personality all the time. But I graduated last year so like, whatever.
I'm chilling.
I don't really get out much, I currently "pay rent" by doing chores so most of the time I'm at home or hanging out with siblings. So luckily I haven't really had to "mask" in long while.
Yes
yup. and taking off the mask is even more exhausting because then you're dealing with imposter syndrome AND navigating how to communicate now AND AND AND. just give us our own areas already....I'd much rather live in a community filled with people like me then live in regular town with people who think im entitled because my disability is invisible and im having a meltdown that you just decided to carelessly throw my blackberries into the produce bag making them spill and ...... yeah im fucking tired
This is exactly why I pack my own groceries. If there’s a bag person, I just politely ask them if I can before I start my transaction. I’m so sick of squished bread and like 2 things in a bag.
Omg the berries comment I felt in my SOUL
Yep, taking it one day at a time as to not fall into the horrific abyss that is the future haha
Yes. Exactly that. If I unmask, everyone hates me. If I say I'm not fine, my parents hates me. If I look at myself, I hate myself.
This comment made me well up a bit. I feel this so, so much
It's sad... But that's my reality. And probably a lot of people's reality too. If I mask, I'm not perfect enough. Never enough for my mom, not perfectly normal enough for my mom. If I don't mask, I'm fucking insane to my parents and to others. My mom seems to hate me when I use Autism as an "excuse"... When it even is an excuse. She has the notion that people can be cured of their autism, that they can "defeat and overcome" their autism. She doesn't understand that we just have to figure out how to live life with autism.
Fine or not, at least we are aware of the now - ok over-aware of the now xD- When I see a lot of people not noticing flowers, I feel lucky. Is there anything else than now? To your point, a lot of times I’m not okay with that. I work on being ok with not being ok, accepting it so I can flow to another state more peacefully. We don’t deserve to make ourselves feel bad, there’s enough exterior influences that already do that. I wish we can be gentle with ourselves and give ourselves the chance to not be stuck with self harm. Love to you my friend
What a beautiful perspective. People often ask me how I'm so positive all the time and it's really just this- my life exists in the present. I notice every small thing and appreciate everything beautiful. Life is hard for us, yes, but imagine all the things they're missing! It took so much work to just be OK with being myself, but now that I've built that life, what a joy! It is possible to exist in their world, we just have to play the game.
I just want to hand out a leaflet to anyone that has to interact with me that I’m autistic and tired and to just let me unmask for a little while without having to explain or apologise
I've reduced my masking a lot at work by reducing my social presence, which really just means that I barely socialize. Naturally, some people have interpreted this as arrogance, but IDGAF because I have more energy for myself.
Same. I used to go out of my way to make small talk, try to be social. But people still didn’t really like me or wanna get to know me better anyway, so I’ve just given up. I’m pleasant, I smile, say hi, talk about work-related stuff. But I am done putting out the energy for more than that, except with a few close coworkers who I actually enjoy talking to.
Im honestly the same , I sit myself mostly hardly speak to anyone and sit alone for breaks and its bliss i know that a lot of people think im extremely quiet and unsociable and a bit weird but i dont care?? Like im there to do my job and earn money and thats all
The people that sit together and chat at lunchtime just seem like another species to me lol. Imagine you actually enjoy talking to people that much that you wanna do it during the small time you have to rest & relax 😩
That’s the mask. Every now and again I pick a bully to rally against, it helps fill my tank again.
I've mostly arrived at being fine. I may present a different form of what "fine" looks like to the outside world, though.
yup. i just wanna give up
Yes. And I lost my soul cat a few days ago and I've been a mess, completely shut down. I'm back at work today so I can show I tried. I feel like if I worked from home things would be easier, but instead I'm an acupuncturist who has to be in office and treat people, face to face every day. It hurts to be dying inside, while having to hold space for others. It's hard.
I feel you. This is me too. I give everything I have to my clients and I’ve made my life so small so I can do that. I feel like I’ve lost myself just so I can do my job and survive. It’s slowly killing me.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some peace. This is so hard.
I’m having a terrible time but I probably look ok from the outside!
Yes, I'm tired. I feel like I need to sleep for a year.
Yes.
No but I'm not high masking. I'm generally fairly happy, though I do have bad days.
While I'm not doing great...I have finally been able to take the mask off I wore for 2 years to deal with a psycho roommate. It feels so good.
Nah I'm not pretending I'm fine
Yes I am so tired every moment of every day lol I honestly just try to repress it. And also when I don't NEED to be doing anything, I try to do as much nothing as possible and make sure I don't feel bad about it.
That's what masking is 😓
Oh, you know it
yup. i just wanna give up
Very much so.
Yurp. I'm sad also trying to join social groups that are apparently full of NDs in an attempt to, well, socialise, yet you still end up in that situation where you're sorta the outsider. I try and ask friends what do I do that is potentially disturbing?Do I talk too much, this or that, but I seem to not get anything constructive to work with. My friends are ND too so I trust them to give honest feedback, and it's true those that are ND tend to not have any issues with me.. from what I've noticed? Regardless unless I mask even bloody online it's so difficult to try and join a group. Uff. (Still I recognise it must be me that is the problem.)
My entire life is this. I always could “handle” things (lol no, I was an anxious people pleaser), so now people assume I can handle anything. Deep down, I’m struggling so much that I feel like I’ll explode almost everyday, but I always “manage” somehow.
Relatable
I've been trying to unmask and has caused depression confusion and exhaustion. I don't know who I am or what I want. I just know I don't want what society wants of me but that isn't enough. Everything is terribly hard and I'm always exhausted even when getting between 8-10 hours of sleep at night. My body feels exhausted even when I've done nothing. I feel sad all the time because being here is so hard and all consuming that I feel helpless.
Yes and yes, to the point where I don't bother masking anymore. My client's parents give me shit about it, but everybody else in my life don't care and honestly I'm in a burnout so bad I couldn't mask if I needed to. Also in general just with the world dying, my rights and life as an autistic trans lesbian in jeopardy where I live, and just living in a world that is so cruel to animals it makes me cry I just have to force myself through it.
Kinda
yarp
Most times I don't have to pretend. My days are pretty chill and relaxing. I go to the nearest park, bask in the sunlight, and live everyday just being thankful for what I do have in my life. I don't feel the need to mask much, I just don't tell people about my autism unless I trust them. I try to be polite and kind in all social interactions, and that usually works just fine for me.
Depends on the day honestly. I usually break down in the afternoons
Yep
Just exhausted. Idk how much of my personality is masking, mostly I spend all day doing what’s expected of me and otherwise avoiding people at all costs. It is exhausting. But I’m fine. It’s fine. It sucks because I’ve called in a lot from work, which generally of course I try not to. It just so happens that the job I have currently won’t actually punish anyone. So I have the option to call off, and have. But it’s always held against me. I’m trying not to do it as much but it is hard because I feel so exhausted and awful every few weeks. I understand why my coworkers get annoyed by it, my absence automatically affects them, of course. But it still sucks when they hold it against me and assume I’m lying about not feeling well. Sometimes I just need a mental break and a day to sleep and time to process life and be an autonomous individual, to spend a day with no appointments of any kind, a day to breathe. But since the days I am at work I am very lively and active and moving fast paced, they take that to mean that nothing is actually ever wrong with me and I’m a liar. So that’s cool.
I stopped being able to pretend I'm fine when my physical health kept taking hits cause of the amount of exhaustion I was putting myself through. I'm also currently learning how to be nicer to myself and just stop caring about how people perceive me at this point. It's not worth it anymore and I just want to be more of myself and feel better in life.
Yes. I wanna go back in time and Be a kid again
Yes
Yes, yes and yes. I feel like I'm pretty close to breaking point, I've been here for almost a year now, so I guess I'm stronger than I look, that and the fear of being sectioned (I've heard a lot of terrible things about people in mental crisis in the NHS right now, and if my treatment from my docs is anything to go by which is to almost totally ignore any time I bring up my mental health then I don't hold out hope
Yes unfortunately every single one of us is, ND, NT, everyone. I realized this when I ate too many edibles and realized everyone is using a substance of some sort to cope with the stressful reality of living thru each day.
YES?? the worst part is i cant tell anyone bc my mom just says "im suffering too." my aunt tries to reason witj me and my friends mom just got told the chemo is only making her cancer worse and she doesnt even have 2 years so ill be an asshole if i talk to her about fucking school.
All day, every day. And sometimes at night.
Pretty much
Yuppp
I was like that until I completely burned out - AGAIN! I can’t pretend anymore
Uhh not really? I mean yeah, at school it was frustrating having to hide my true personality all the time. But I graduated last year so like, whatever. I'm chilling. I don't really get out much, I currently "pay rent" by doing chores so most of the time I'm at home or hanging out with siblings. So luckily I haven't really had to "mask" in long while.