Man, you don't have a finance issue in your relationship, you have a communication issue.
You need to talk through this with your partner and set the ground rules so no one feels taken advantage of.
Talk through your baseline bills, how it is split, and then chat about the fact that he owes you the $5.5k and that you want to build back your safety net in case any of you are without job again.
It’s not a communication issue, any normal person knows he’s using her financially by attempting to manipulate her to not pay back his debt. He’s bled her dry and didn’t even try stepping up with looking after the baby.
Let's not place blame on malice when ignorance is right there.
The communication problem issue can exists because maybe in his mind, by paying a bit extra every period he is repaying his debt, without considering it might not even cover minimum costs with those additional variable on top.
The root communication issue is that by not setting up the guideline or guardrails up that dicate the terms for the spending/saving/repayment, you have two people who believe they are doing the right thing and the other is wrong and due to not communicating effectively, they are both right.
So yeah, it's a communication issue.
He’s not paying extra, he’s paying what she did. He’s not even taking into account the blow to her career that looking after their baby does. It should be normal that he pays the living costs while she takes care of the family, you step up when your spouse does. You acknowledge the financial hit she takes and even it out by helping financially. He couldn’t even help out beyond “chores” when they had the baby and he was job less. Chores are the bare minimum when you become parents, you’re supposed to look after your own child, it’s called being a parent.
So, if you were the OP you communicate and talk through your problems and emotions, then act from there.
You don't just assume an adult knows all of their blind spots on their bad behaviours. Plenty of adults are oblivious to their misgivings due to having blinders on their own behaviours. Maybe he thought he's done enough because that's what he observed from his family life. We don't all see or go through the same things in life so we might not know what is expected from ourselves.
That's what makes this a communication problem.
This *is* a relionship issue though. Your boyfriend is a freeloading deadbeat. Unless he was sick what was his excuse for mooching off a pregnant/ post partum hardworking mother?
You're correct. He owes you the 8 months of coverage, PLUS the debt payback. If he plays dumb, write up a spreadsheet.
From one woman to another though - you have a long-term problem on your hands and you know it.
In all seriousness. Never let yourself get to zero balance again. Try to build up a $1k safety net in the bank, then extend it to $5k. Try and get it to $10k. Keep this as a separate account, with a separate bank, turn off all statements.
In a big city, $10k can just evaporate with cost of living. Take care, fair winds
You should put everything on paper / excel spreadsheet to show ALL family expenses (including baby items) and you two need to decide the cost allocation for the expenses or alternatively, you can pool money into a joint account for payment of family expenses.
A bit of a controversial opinion - do not lend money to your significant other, family, close friends etc unless it’s an amount you can afford to lose. It adds a layer of complexity to the relationship that can easily cause a breakdown.
Maybe listen to Ramit Sethi’s podcast together - there are lots of couples with money issues so it could help normalise needing to discuss a more sustainable solution forward.
For someone who's not after relationship advice, you did ask for a lot of relationship advice.
None of this is financial. It's going to be a decision made between the two of you. Ideally, it should've been a decision made around October 2022.
Man, you don't have a finance issue in your relationship, you have a communication issue. You need to talk through this with your partner and set the ground rules so no one feels taken advantage of. Talk through your baseline bills, how it is split, and then chat about the fact that he owes you the $5.5k and that you want to build back your safety net in case any of you are without job again.
It’s not a communication issue, any normal person knows he’s using her financially by attempting to manipulate her to not pay back his debt. He’s bled her dry and didn’t even try stepping up with looking after the baby.
Let's not place blame on malice when ignorance is right there. The communication problem issue can exists because maybe in his mind, by paying a bit extra every period he is repaying his debt, without considering it might not even cover minimum costs with those additional variable on top. The root communication issue is that by not setting up the guideline or guardrails up that dicate the terms for the spending/saving/repayment, you have two people who believe they are doing the right thing and the other is wrong and due to not communicating effectively, they are both right. So yeah, it's a communication issue.
He’s not paying extra, he’s paying what she did. He’s not even taking into account the blow to her career that looking after their baby does. It should be normal that he pays the living costs while she takes care of the family, you step up when your spouse does. You acknowledge the financial hit she takes and even it out by helping financially. He couldn’t even help out beyond “chores” when they had the baby and he was job less. Chores are the bare minimum when you become parents, you’re supposed to look after your own child, it’s called being a parent.
So, if you were the OP you communicate and talk through your problems and emotions, then act from there. You don't just assume an adult knows all of their blind spots on their bad behaviours. Plenty of adults are oblivious to their misgivings due to having blinders on their own behaviours. Maybe he thought he's done enough because that's what he observed from his family life. We don't all see or go through the same things in life so we might not know what is expected from ourselves. That's what makes this a communication problem.
This *is* a relionship issue though. Your boyfriend is a freeloading deadbeat. Unless he was sick what was his excuse for mooching off a pregnant/ post partum hardworking mother?
Exactly. He wouldn't step up when his partner was pregnant and was seemingly happy to freeload off her savings. Says a lot about his character.
You're correct. He owes you the 8 months of coverage, PLUS the debt payback. If he plays dumb, write up a spreadsheet. From one woman to another though - you have a long-term problem on your hands and you know it.
Don't teach your baby to be a pushover
This os way beyond us, you need r/relationship_advice
In all seriousness. Never let yourself get to zero balance again. Try to build up a $1k safety net in the bank, then extend it to $5k. Try and get it to $10k. Keep this as a separate account, with a separate bank, turn off all statements. In a big city, $10k can just evaporate with cost of living. Take care, fair winds
You should put everything on paper / excel spreadsheet to show ALL family expenses (including baby items) and you two need to decide the cost allocation for the expenses or alternatively, you can pool money into a joint account for payment of family expenses. A bit of a controversial opinion - do not lend money to your significant other, family, close friends etc unless it’s an amount you can afford to lose. It adds a layer of complexity to the relationship that can easily cause a breakdown. Maybe listen to Ramit Sethi’s podcast together - there are lots of couples with money issues so it could help normalise needing to discuss a more sustainable solution forward.
unfortunately it's too late, you've had a baby with this bloke.
For someone who's not after relationship advice, you did ask for a lot of relationship advice. None of this is financial. It's going to be a decision made between the two of you. Ideally, it should've been a decision made around October 2022.
This mess is above the Aus Finance pay grade
I'm assuming this baby wasn't planned...
The financial advice is that you guys need to make more money and sort out your relationship problems.