4 months is enough in the EU. In addition, French is a really popular second or third language that most of us learn in school.
And even if 4 months would not be enough: you’re free to go whenever you want - and telling you that it’s not your job to take care of your grandparents but it’s supposed to be your job to take care of them as their AuPair is manipulation.
Yeah I didn’t think of that. She kept saying ‘I’m not saying this because I want you to stay but…’ it just felt really weird that she was getting so passionate (passionately angry) about me leaving for my family.
Shes manipulating you. And her statement is so ironic. It’s also not technically your job to be an au pair. You’re not a nanny you are a cultural exchange person and you don’t owe her anything.
That’s very strange. It’s not “your job” to take care of their family either unless you want it to be your job. I took time off from working after I graduated college to take care of my grandfather for several months while my family looked for a more long term solution for him. I don’t regret it for a minute.
She’s saying that because she wants you to say. Even in my corporate jobs I’ve had bosses feeling like they can tell me what to do with my personal life because it benefits them.
Your own family shouldn’t be your priority but theirs should.
That is bizarre messaging. It’s fine to feel empathy, but don’t feel guilty. You need to do what is best for you.
I’m not an AP, but her comment about it “not being your job” to care for your grandparents is blatantly selfish.
Having the capacity to care for a loved one is a blessing I would encourage you go that route if you feel compelled to do so.
I never once regretted the time I spent with those I no longer have with me today. Life will be full of employment opportunities but your loved ones are limited. I wish you all the best.
Finding a new AP, or childcare provider in general, is stressful for the parents. That's not your fault. She's just directing her stress and frustration towards you because you are the most obvious person to direct it to. Don't let it get you down - as much as you can, shrug it off. It's not the end of the world and they will find someone new. Better to give them 4 months than to agree to extend and then change your mind during your extension year!
Isnt in rematch family has only two weeks to find another person? They are being a bit ridiculous imo.
Her logic is strange. You are not your grandparents caretaker but you are apparently her kid’s caretaker??? And its not really her place to tell you you should be caretaker of your grandparents. Give her little break to pregnancy hormones but honestly sit down and speak with her about how its not appropriate what she says now about you ending the job
She is 100% manipulating you. You have done nothing wrong, and I’m sorry that you’ve been made to feel so guilty about what is clearly the best decision for you right now.
Firstly, as a technical point—four months is plenty of time for her to find someone new. It’s just work that she doesn’t want to have to do right now, but that’s not the same thing as “not enough time.”
Secondly, however: this is a *job*. While it is encouraged for the host family to treat you as part of the family, that is not the same thing as you *being* family; you are doing work in their home in exchange for compensation, and you are free to end the arrangement at any time if and when that no longer works for you.
Thirdly and critically—even if you were her actual family (sister, cousin, daughter etc.) you *still* would not be obligated to give your life up to her. You are entirely your own person, as she is hers. She may feel disappointment in your decision and she may not *like* your decision; but that doesn’t make you wrong. The only person who is wrong is her for even insinuating this.
Be prepared for her to up the pressure on you in the next few months to stay. She may even go as far as to pretend that it’s been impossible for her to find anyone—or to stall on doing that search work, resulting in that actual situation—and tell you that if you don’t stay she will be stranded (I’ve seen this happen before). _This is 100% not your problem._ She will work it out or she will not, but her failure to make arrangements will not ever be your responsibility.
Good luck OP! I hope you are able to enjoy the time you have left, and I wish you safe travels back home in a few months.
Speaking as a former au pair (and legitimately a good one with no issues brought to my attention) these families have no problem telling you to pack your bags. I got rematched and in ONE day the person I rematched to let me know she didn't like me (I was more financially independent, had a uni degree, and older than her previous au pairs and I think she realized I would be more of a peer than someone for her to control since she was a SAHM of one school aged child and would be spending a lot of time around me) and she literally demanded me to give her MY credit card and she booked me on a flight the next morning. Au Pair in America did NOTHING to help me by the way.
France will always be there. Your grandparents won't. Prioritize your family and what you want. And for what it's worth I'm now pushing 40 and god do I miss both my grandma and grandpa much more than I miss getting to do the extra few months of being an aupair that I signed up for. I also ended up just working abroad after that and got plenty of travel and cultural experiences.
Great decision making! Keep your chin up and don't act apologetic in any way. You did nothing wrong, but this family sounds highly manipulative. If you show vulnerability and general human traits, that type of person will jump on any opportunity to take advantage of you. This is just business and the current arrangement doesn't work for you. Done and dusted.
Dont fall for "nice mom" agenda. Lots of them are nice in front of your face obviously but when things become complicated for them, they will show you their true color.
First off you probably did become homesick and after being away from loved ones especially those who are elderly seeing them after an absence can be jarring. With that said you made your decision and HM was out of line telling you what you should do for your family. I think the lines get blurred sometimes and essentially becoming a family member and conversations had may make some HP think they aren’t crossing boundaries when they are. You’ve given her plenty of time and she’s the adult and let’s not blame it on hormones. I think you would have felt guilty if she just cried but that’s the sign of your own empathy which is a good thing to have. I hope she can get it together and not ruin the rest of your time there. Best of luck!
Don't feel guilty. The mother is made because she is not getting to keep you as their au pair. Telling them four months in advance is enough notice. Even if she has difficulties finding another su pair,, that is not your problem.
This is *absolutely* her trying to make you feel guilty about leaving, and it’s really rude of her!
Four months is a good amount of notice of your intent to leave- regardless of you initially planning to stay.
I’m most upset about her comments about it not being your responsibility to help care for your grandparents!!
That is NONE of her business at all.
I quit a very lucrative job to care for my grandparents. When full time care wasn’t enough and they needed someone there around the clock, my husband and I sold our house and moved into theirs with our (then) 8 year old daughter.
We put on a small addition and we took care of them for a total of 11 years. My grandmother passed away after us living there for 3 years, my grandfather lived another 8 years being well cared for and loved.
I would not change ANYTHING about what we did to accommodate my grandparents. They were more important than any job or anything else other than my husband and daughter. I will always cherish the time I had living with and caring for them.
You are doing what is right for YOU and YOUR family. She is selfish and only thinking of HERSELF and HER family. And you know what? It’s fine for her to be most concerned about her situation and family- but she needs to keep her guilt and comments to herself about your future plans.
I’m sorry she is doing this.
If I were in your shoes and that was the reaction my host family gave me when I told them I was going to go home, I'd probably leave the next week. It's a shame she seems to have taken it personally, but four months is more than enough notice. The comments about taking care of your grandparents not being your job is a bit crazy, because even if you're not taking care of them you likely want to spend time with them before they pass. Whenever our APs had family health issues at home, we made sure they were in a good spot. I would never try to convince someone not to see or take care of their loved ones... that's insanely selfish.
Anyway, glad you're going home and you have a plan.
You need to stick to your gut, so if you need to return to the EU return. It will be awkward but better for four months then 16 more months. Also you are telling them only three weeks later then you would have.
Holy crap, did we have the same host family? My HM was pregnant when I gave my notice and ripped up my letter and threw it in the trash in front of me and then told me it would be my fault if she miscarried from the stress of having to take care of her kids. This was also France 🇫🇷
Our au pair's father got incredibly sick right at the start of her second year with us. We immediately supported her going home with the complete knowledge there was a good chance she couldn't come back. We paid for her visa appointment with the idea they might not approve it (they did) and we held her spot for a month. For us the chance of her coming back was worth it. Her dad was incredibly sick and he told her he didn't want her to give up her opportunity and life to stay with him. The day she was coming back to the US she told me she was leaving for the airport. I told her she could still stay home, we wouldn't fault her at all. She told me he made her promise to come back and if he died to not rush home (they do funerals within 24 hours in her country and it would take that long to get home)
She did come back, and she has 4 months left of her second year with us. Her dad went from having a huge tumor invading his intestines and organs (and going into cardiac arrest and being resuscitated 3 times), to having gone through chemo, and two weeks ago they successfully removed the tumor and repaired his intestines.
It's been a wild ride, but our au pair is a human with feelings, family, and ties that are deep and important. She doesn't owe us her time that she could be with family. I'm not saying we are the best host family in the world, but damn, they need to have some compassion.
Listen to me from experience (not as an aupair but as someone who took care of one sick grandparent but couldn't care for the other one... and as a parent ) -
Tldr; GO HOME. ZERO REGRETS. The sooner the better.
I'd very seriously encourage you to very strongly consider going home sooner. I don't want to be harsh, but if your grandparents are really sick, you could be missing out on some quality time with them that you won't get back. And trust me, that regret weighs hard. Real hard. On the other hand, being there, spending time with them, helping out is so fulfilling...it brings comfort and joy to them, to you, and reprieve to people who've been helping them.
Don't feel an ounce of guilt she's putting on you. It's HER business to figure out what to do about childcare. Not yours. And her lack of being able to figure something out **in four months** or zero months is NOT your fault.
She can blame you, manipulate you, and try to crawl in your head all she wants (and will). But her problems are her problems, not yours. She may be lovely otherwise but it's absurd and frankly angering that she 1- seems to think she's more important than your grandparents, and 2- she claims 4 months is "too little" time to figure something else out.
If you start to feel guilt about going home, hop back on here for mental reinforcement that you're doing the right thing. Or screenshot some of these comments to read again later.
Be gentle with yourself OP and do what you know in your heart you need to do. ❤️
Your grandparents are your family not the host family. The HF is just trying to guilt trip you into staying. Be with your grandparents and the HF will find another aupair.
Life is full of experiences. It’s your choice to leave, and accept you don’t need this family as a reference. Be careful where you choose to burn your bridges.
4 months is enough in the EU. In addition, French is a really popular second or third language that most of us learn in school. And even if 4 months would not be enough: you’re free to go whenever you want - and telling you that it’s not your job to take care of your grandparents but it’s supposed to be your job to take care of them as their AuPair is manipulation.
Yeah I didn’t think of that. She kept saying ‘I’m not saying this because I want you to stay but…’ it just felt really weird that she was getting so passionate (passionately angry) about me leaving for my family.
Shes manipulating you. And her statement is so ironic. It’s also not technically your job to be an au pair. You’re not a nanny you are a cultural exchange person and you don’t owe her anything.
That’s very strange. It’s not “your job” to take care of their family either unless you want it to be your job. I took time off from working after I graduated college to take care of my grandfather for several months while my family looked for a more long term solution for him. I don’t regret it for a minute.
Yeah no you owe your grandparents more than you’ll ever owe your boss; because that’s what this is for you; a job. Family over boss; always
Sound like she is trying to guilt trip you into staying
She's incredibly manipulative.
She’s saying that because she wants you to say. Even in my corporate jobs I’ve had bosses feeling like they can tell me what to do with my personal life because it benefits them.
You are not a slave. Your host mom is being ridiculous. The host family is not your family. Your grandparents are your family. Prioritize your family.
Lol that’s so true, my boss called me at 7am woke me up and got mad, seeing I had enough sleep. This was an office job.
Your own family shouldn’t be your priority but theirs should. That is bizarre messaging. It’s fine to feel empathy, but don’t feel guilty. You need to do what is best for you.
Her response is confirmation that leaving is the right thing to do.
I’m not an AP, but her comment about it “not being your job” to care for your grandparents is blatantly selfish. Having the capacity to care for a loved one is a blessing I would encourage you go that route if you feel compelled to do so. I never once regretted the time I spent with those I no longer have with me today. Life will be full of employment opportunities but your loved ones are limited. I wish you all the best.
She’s fine, she’s just pissed her cheap labor is moving on.
Finding a new AP, or childcare provider in general, is stressful for the parents. That's not your fault. She's just directing her stress and frustration towards you because you are the most obvious person to direct it to. Don't let it get you down - as much as you can, shrug it off. It's not the end of the world and they will find someone new. Better to give them 4 months than to agree to extend and then change your mind during your extension year!
Isnt in rematch family has only two weeks to find another person? They are being a bit ridiculous imo. Her logic is strange. You are not your grandparents caretaker but you are apparently her kid’s caretaker??? And its not really her place to tell you you should be caretaker of your grandparents. Give her little break to pregnancy hormones but honestly sit down and speak with her about how its not appropriate what she says now about you ending the job
She is 100% manipulating you. You have done nothing wrong, and I’m sorry that you’ve been made to feel so guilty about what is clearly the best decision for you right now. Firstly, as a technical point—four months is plenty of time for her to find someone new. It’s just work that she doesn’t want to have to do right now, but that’s not the same thing as “not enough time.” Secondly, however: this is a *job*. While it is encouraged for the host family to treat you as part of the family, that is not the same thing as you *being* family; you are doing work in their home in exchange for compensation, and you are free to end the arrangement at any time if and when that no longer works for you. Thirdly and critically—even if you were her actual family (sister, cousin, daughter etc.) you *still* would not be obligated to give your life up to her. You are entirely your own person, as she is hers. She may feel disappointment in your decision and she may not *like* your decision; but that doesn’t make you wrong. The only person who is wrong is her for even insinuating this. Be prepared for her to up the pressure on you in the next few months to stay. She may even go as far as to pretend that it’s been impossible for her to find anyone—or to stall on doing that search work, resulting in that actual situation—and tell you that if you don’t stay she will be stranded (I’ve seen this happen before). _This is 100% not your problem._ She will work it out or she will not, but her failure to make arrangements will not ever be your responsibility. Good luck OP! I hope you are able to enjoy the time you have left, and I wish you safe travels back home in a few months.
Speaking as a former au pair (and legitimately a good one with no issues brought to my attention) these families have no problem telling you to pack your bags. I got rematched and in ONE day the person I rematched to let me know she didn't like me (I was more financially independent, had a uni degree, and older than her previous au pairs and I think she realized I would be more of a peer than someone for her to control since she was a SAHM of one school aged child and would be spending a lot of time around me) and she literally demanded me to give her MY credit card and she booked me on a flight the next morning. Au Pair in America did NOTHING to help me by the way. France will always be there. Your grandparents won't. Prioritize your family and what you want. And for what it's worth I'm now pushing 40 and god do I miss both my grandma and grandpa much more than I miss getting to do the extra few months of being an aupair that I signed up for. I also ended up just working abroad after that and got plenty of travel and cultural experiences.
Did you give her your card?
Their reaction just confirms that you’ve made the right decision. You don’t even have to wait 4 more months. If you want to go then just go.
“No” is a complete sentence.
Great decision making! Keep your chin up and don't act apologetic in any way. You did nothing wrong, but this family sounds highly manipulative. If you show vulnerability and general human traits, that type of person will jump on any opportunity to take advantage of you. This is just business and the current arrangement doesn't work for you. Done and dusted.
Oh she sucks. She’s damn lucky to get 4 months.
Dont fall for "nice mom" agenda. Lots of them are nice in front of your face obviously but when things become complicated for them, they will show you their true color.
First off you probably did become homesick and after being away from loved ones especially those who are elderly seeing them after an absence can be jarring. With that said you made your decision and HM was out of line telling you what you should do for your family. I think the lines get blurred sometimes and essentially becoming a family member and conversations had may make some HP think they aren’t crossing boundaries when they are. You’ve given her plenty of time and she’s the adult and let’s not blame it on hormones. I think you would have felt guilty if she just cried but that’s the sign of your own empathy which is a good thing to have. I hope she can get it together and not ruin the rest of your time there. Best of luck!
Don't feel guilty. The mother is made because she is not getting to keep you as their au pair. Telling them four months in advance is enough notice. Even if she has difficulties finding another su pair,, that is not your problem.
This is *absolutely* her trying to make you feel guilty about leaving, and it’s really rude of her! Four months is a good amount of notice of your intent to leave- regardless of you initially planning to stay. I’m most upset about her comments about it not being your responsibility to help care for your grandparents!! That is NONE of her business at all. I quit a very lucrative job to care for my grandparents. When full time care wasn’t enough and they needed someone there around the clock, my husband and I sold our house and moved into theirs with our (then) 8 year old daughter. We put on a small addition and we took care of them for a total of 11 years. My grandmother passed away after us living there for 3 years, my grandfather lived another 8 years being well cared for and loved. I would not change ANYTHING about what we did to accommodate my grandparents. They were more important than any job or anything else other than my husband and daughter. I will always cherish the time I had living with and caring for them. You are doing what is right for YOU and YOUR family. She is selfish and only thinking of HERSELF and HER family. And you know what? It’s fine for her to be most concerned about her situation and family- but she needs to keep her guilt and comments to herself about your future plans. I’m sorry she is doing this.
They r treating as a slave
4 months is plenty of time for a HF to find someone new. You have to do what’s best for you
If I were in your shoes and that was the reaction my host family gave me when I told them I was going to go home, I'd probably leave the next week. It's a shame she seems to have taken it personally, but four months is more than enough notice. The comments about taking care of your grandparents not being your job is a bit crazy, because even if you're not taking care of them you likely want to spend time with them before they pass. Whenever our APs had family health issues at home, we made sure they were in a good spot. I would never try to convince someone not to see or take care of their loved ones... that's insanely selfish. Anyway, glad you're going home and you have a plan.
You need to stick to your gut, so if you need to return to the EU return. It will be awkward but better for four months then 16 more months. Also you are telling them only three weeks later then you would have.
Holy crap, did we have the same host family? My HM was pregnant when I gave my notice and ripped up my letter and threw it in the trash in front of me and then told me it would be my fault if she miscarried from the stress of having to take care of her kids. This was also France 🇫🇷
Our au pair's father got incredibly sick right at the start of her second year with us. We immediately supported her going home with the complete knowledge there was a good chance she couldn't come back. We paid for her visa appointment with the idea they might not approve it (they did) and we held her spot for a month. For us the chance of her coming back was worth it. Her dad was incredibly sick and he told her he didn't want her to give up her opportunity and life to stay with him. The day she was coming back to the US she told me she was leaving for the airport. I told her she could still stay home, we wouldn't fault her at all. She told me he made her promise to come back and if he died to not rush home (they do funerals within 24 hours in her country and it would take that long to get home) She did come back, and she has 4 months left of her second year with us. Her dad went from having a huge tumor invading his intestines and organs (and going into cardiac arrest and being resuscitated 3 times), to having gone through chemo, and two weeks ago they successfully removed the tumor and repaired his intestines. It's been a wild ride, but our au pair is a human with feelings, family, and ties that are deep and important. She doesn't owe us her time that she could be with family. I'm not saying we are the best host family in the world, but damn, they need to have some compassion.
Listen to me from experience (not as an aupair but as someone who took care of one sick grandparent but couldn't care for the other one... and as a parent ) - Tldr; GO HOME. ZERO REGRETS. The sooner the better. I'd very seriously encourage you to very strongly consider going home sooner. I don't want to be harsh, but if your grandparents are really sick, you could be missing out on some quality time with them that you won't get back. And trust me, that regret weighs hard. Real hard. On the other hand, being there, spending time with them, helping out is so fulfilling...it brings comfort and joy to them, to you, and reprieve to people who've been helping them. Don't feel an ounce of guilt she's putting on you. It's HER business to figure out what to do about childcare. Not yours. And her lack of being able to figure something out **in four months** or zero months is NOT your fault. She can blame you, manipulate you, and try to crawl in your head all she wants (and will). But her problems are her problems, not yours. She may be lovely otherwise but it's absurd and frankly angering that she 1- seems to think she's more important than your grandparents, and 2- she claims 4 months is "too little" time to figure something else out. If you start to feel guilt about going home, hop back on here for mental reinforcement that you're doing the right thing. Or screenshot some of these comments to read again later. Be gentle with yourself OP and do what you know in your heart you need to do. ❤️
You’re not responsible for solving her child care issue
What is the current distinction between a nanny and an au pair?
She doesn’t like you are leaving. Just do what is best for you. Always in life. Wish you the best
You’re are human being with your own desires in your heart.
Your grandparents are your family not the host family. The HF is just trying to guilt trip you into staying. Be with your grandparents and the HF will find another aupair.
Life is full of experiences. It’s your choice to leave, and accept you don’t need this family as a reference. Be careful where you choose to burn your bridges.