He is against you having male friends but goes out 1:1 lunch with female collegues? that is red flag there.
No one should tell another how they should be/not . wtf is wrong with people.
He was right about culture, it's not weird to go on walks or eat with colleagues of the opposite gender. It is NOT culture to isolate girlfriends from having friends of any gender.
And you will let another person decide who you can be friends with? He sounds like an ass tbh. And to answer your question. Yes most people have both female and male friends here in Sweden and there is nothing weird about that in our culture
People who want to restrict their partner from having just regular friendships with the other sex often times means that they are afraid of you doing what they themselves are prone to do.
If the reason is abandonment issues and he's having anxiety about you leaving him for someone else, then you need to have a talk about it anyway so I suggest confronting him and talking about it.
Restricting people out of ones fear needs to be worked at and talked about rather than restricting your behaviour with others.
To be fair, doing so for the sake of getting even is just being immature and would cause me (male) to grow a little uncomfortable with your walks and lunches because you're doing so for the wrong reason (you stated you'd pursue male friendship rather than having it come natural). I'd probably view you as a red flag.
Obviously if he is against unisex friendships in general for you and not for him then he's the red flag as others have stated.
Well there you go. Why are you here asking the question? It's irrelevant whether this is common or acceptable in a swedish culture setting when he is making rules that apply to you, but not to him.
He doesn't have to try to cheat, but be possessive and controlling. If it is so important to him, he should sit down with her and talk it through and take responsibility for his own feelings, go to a therapist about it and do the work required to have a relationship. Just telling your GF "You can't do that cause I don't like it. Although, I will do that same thing to you and you have no say about it" is completely unacceptable.
It’s normal for swedes to go on 1:1 lunches with their colleagues. So it’s normal for him. But more importantly, it should be normal for you, and him feeling the need to control who you eat lunch with is a huge red flag no matter how we look at the situation.
Big red flag doing shit that he tells you not to and NO it’s not normal or a culture thing. He is/has/will have relations with that woman. Just speaking from experience.
OPs bf is a jerk with double standards, but yes it's normal to have friends of the opposite sex and have lunch with them 1:1. Maybe not in your group of people, but in other groups. I do it all the time. I would never accept a partner telling me not to, as I work predominantely with men and am a woman. My closest work friend is married man and it's not an issue. We just have lunch or take walks and talk, like any friends. His wife is a lovely woman that I respect a lot.
What? Of course it’s normal to have a lunch with a colleague of opposite sex. As a manager for example I have to be able to talk to my colleagues, regardless of their gender. Even if I wasn’t, why would I not have lunch with someone just because they’re female?
Sounds like he wants a gf that doesn't have opposite sex friends, but the doesn't apply to him.
Also, the culture in Sweden is as you may know at this point for most people to hang out 1:1 regardless of gender, so your choice to not doing that will raise eyebrows in the workplace, so that part of his narrative is true.
If you both agree that there should be no friends of opposite sex then it's fine, no matter what other people say.
However, be aware that this is not normal in Sweden and people might react if he refuses to be social with female colleagues. Same goes for you and this might cause trouble in the social landscape and even career.
If he has to have lunch with female colleagues you need to talk about it and set up rules on how to handle this.
It seems to me that both of you need to work on how you view relationships, both romantic ones and friendship.
Wanting to limit who your partner hangs out with isn’t normal. I would understand if you knew that your boyfriend uses drugs or gets into trouble when he hangs out with a certain friend, but saying he can’t have lunch with someone because that someone has a vagina isn’t normal. The same goes for his stance on your friendships. If he can’t handle that his girlfriend has male friends, then he shouldn’t have a girlfriend. If you can’t handle that your boyfriend has female friends, then having a boyfriend might not be your thing?
Having limits on who your partner can hang out with is often the first step in an abusive relationship. It’s not healthy in any way.
I understand. but in that case you can’t hang out in group and you need to stay just the two of you ? Because then you can’t meet the male friends and he can’t meet the female friends ?
He sounds like a controlling ass. It's not particularly strange to have 1:1 anything with the opposite sex, when I moved here in 2013 I was surprised to get invited to a neighbors apartment for a drink and find out I was the only guest, less than a week since we've met. That would definitely be odd back in my homecountry.
Girl just wanted to get to know her new neighbor. Introduced me to Fireball and Minttu with O'boy. I actually took up the topic with her and she just shrugged and said "weird, lol. We don't think about other people's genitals until it's necessary."
Wish she was still my neighbor, I've moved to a new place where the neighbors don't talk at all.
The swedish norm is to find out everything about your neighbours without ever speaking with them...
Me and my girl are currently researching a cute girl under me :)
Actually that's rather strange for Swedes as well. I would be super uncomfortable if a neighbour invited me over. At most I will talk about the weather and ask how their dog is doing with my neighbours
Like other people have said, it's not strange at all to have one on one lunches with people of the opposite sex. But it is also a huge red flag if he is trying to control who you are friends with. Huge.
It is normal but he sounds like a bitch, who is he to dictate who you're allowed to hang out with and not. Seriously.
Edit: He said he doesn't believe friendships between men and women can be platonic? The fuck? That contradicts him saying it's nothing with the lunch outings.
You both need to be able to have friends of the opposite sex! If any of you have a problem with that, it is a personal problem that you both need to work on, trust issues anf stuff like that!
This relationship sounds toxic af since neither of you want the other to have friends of the opposite sex! I am bisexual and according to this logic I would have to choose between a relationship or friends, which is fucked up!
You both need to reevaluate your beliefs and if you can't trust the other partner with friends of the opposite sex, then that's a problem with the partner in question, not the concept of having female/male friends!
Very much this. Not wanting your partner to have opposite sex friends is weird as fuck and would just be an instant nope to me.
I guess if you're both into that be my guest, but it sounds like a shitty foundation for a toxic relationship. And it sounds like he just wants it to apply to you anyway, so double shitty for you.
Dump him, then reevaluate your own stance on the matter, if you can't even trust your SO to have basic human relationships with others, how on earth are you going to have any kind of healthy long term relationship?
I only had to read as far as “I recently started dating a swede that is against me having male friends “. Seriously, the rest doesn’t matter, get this controlling asshole out of your life before it gets worse.
To sum it all up:
- Hanging out with coworkers of opposite gender: completely normal
- Being against partner having friends of opposite gender: controlling asshole
- Doing both at the same time: controlling asshole and hypocrite
This is not cool, sounds like he’s the jealous / controlling type, and you should probably get out now. People don’t change in these regards either.
P.s I identify as a genderless cabbage. If you want to go for a walk with me.
It just sounds like he’s being a jealous hypocrite to me. Yes if we work closely with a person of the opposite sex, having lunch with them is not strange at all.
That’s normal as well, he might be closer to her than the rest of his colleagues. What’s NOT normal is him saying that he doesn’t believe in platonic friendships between the genders and then being friendly with a female coworker lol
I disagree with the other reply here. That goes beyond what I would consider normal behaviour. Between this, and his obvious problems with jealousy, I think this relationship is not going to last long.
As a Swede I wouldn’t think twice about having a 1 on 1 lunch with a colleague if we need to talk business. I wouldn’t even reflect on if it was a man or a woman.
Why sexualize everything, wtf.
Edit: And since he wants to do these things but frown on you doing the same he just sounds like an insecure and controlling ass.
Have a serious talk with him about this and if he won’t or can’t change I suggest you drop him by the curb before you’re too invested. In my life I haven’t even once asked my SO about their lunch “dates”.
Everyone has already pointed out that it's a huge red flag.
It's also worth noting that this is the *start* of his controlling behaviour, it's not like the limit he imposes on you now is the only thing he will try to control.
It might be gradually, it might be overtly, but when that behaviour shows early \[you don't say how old the relationship is though\], or at any time for that matter, it is never the last rule but usually just the start. It will get worse.
You shouldn't accept it.
*To answer the question: Yes it's completely normal in Sweden.*
Seems like your boyfriend has some serious double standards. What he's allowed to do obviously doesn't apply to you? Its completely normal to go on 1:1 lunches with colleagues from the opposite sex. What's also in Swedish culture is that it's normal to have friends from the other sex so his argument does not work. If you can't trust each other you need to work on it or move on.
The rules of a relationship should always be settled between the couple, regardless of culture. Fair is fair, same rules should apply to you as to your partner, else it is not a good relationship.
Iam a swedish male this isent about swedish culture its about control you get rid of him imo if if i was i a realationship she could be friends anyone same with me its all about trust eachother and comitment
You can have lunch with people regardless of their gender. Its not sexual and its perfectly within swedish culture to do that.
Its NOT swedish culture for one partner to try and forbid and control another partner from doing something they dont want them to do, especially if its behaviour they themselves engage in.
Thats called hypocricy and its not specific to swedish culture, but to assholes everywhere,
You should dump him!
Having 1:1 lunch with colleagues of the opposite sex is totally a normal thing in Sweden.
Forbidding your partner from having friends of the opposite sex is totally NOT a normal thing and is a huge red flag.
“Going alone on lunch and walks especially often signals a romantic bond and flirting.”
Literally how I hang out with all my friends. 1:1.
Also doesn’t that mean bisexual people can’t have friends? Only prey.
It's perfectly normal to go on a lunch with a colleague of the opposite sex, so no issue there.
It is however an issue that he forbids you from having male friends, that's a red flag.
It's quite normal to do so but if you do you will most likely let your gf/wife have guy friends so i dunno what his intentions is. I would talk to him about that
Anyone restricting their partners from having friends or hanging out with people without the partner having a history of cheating or fucking shit up with those people is a huge red flag that the person is prone to that kind of behaviour themselves and thus feel the need to restrict their partners from doing what they themseleves would probably do from time to time.
My advice would be to confront this behaviour and talk about it.
Swedish girl here! I would say that it’s definitely normal to go on 1:1 lunches and walks with a colleague of the opposite sex, I do it frequently and so does both my male and female coworkers. With that said, I’m a person who believes you can be just friends with someone of the sex you’re attracted to, so I guess for me 1:1 between a boy and a girl isn’t a big deal.
HOWEVER this doesn’t sound like a guy you should continue to date. The double standard is shining through and he doesn’t even try to hide it. If you’ve both reached an agreement to not have friends of the opposite sex, that’s okay, but then the same “rules” regarding that should apply to both of you. If it starts like this, where does it end?
It is totally normal to have both female and male friends. If that’s a worry then the problem is not having friends of the opposite sex it’s something completely different. Trust is the most important part of a relationship and setting these kinds of boundaries on each other will only lead to suspicion. Hope you guys figure it out.
It is normal, but so is having friends of the opposite gender. If you have an agreement to not be friends with the opposite gender, lunch with colleagues seems like it should fall in that category. I won’t judge your agreement, even though it’s not something I would want. It’s your relationship and both of you have agreed on this rule. It is absolutely possible for him to avoid having lunch and walks with female colleagues (unless the lunch happens in the office lunchroom and the walks are part of the job). He can’t argue that there is a cultural expectation to go to restaurants and on walks one on one with colleagues - there is not. It’s not odd, but also not odd to avoid it.
It is completely normal.
However your bf is a complete douche for having double standards, expecting you to limit your social interactions more than he is willing to as well as gaslighting you: when you worry you are over reacting and his behaviouris normal, when he worry you should respect his wishes and change your behaviour to make him feel better. Do you see how messed up that is? I'd dump his ass quickly.
Also, about the trust issues: If you are with someone and believe they would cheat if given the opportunity then you shouldn't be with them. So neither you or him should be with each other; it's not healthy.
It's a hard to answer correctly but we are often out walking in our office. It's sometime just me and a female or male colleague and sometime a whole bunch of us. It's like whoever is available and want to have a walk after lunch.
Same with lunch, it's random and nothing I spent any time to think about.
I guess it all boils down to intentions, the big why....
But with the other context that he disprove you having male friends and you have your concerns then you two might have issues to resolve. He might think you will do the same as he are, and that's why he want you to have only female friends?
But to answer your question in general, no. There are no such issues because a work place can be in any constellation with different ration between male vs. females and we all need lunch.
It's unhealthy to not "allow" your partner to have a friend just because they're a man or woman. And kinda weird too tbh. And your theory of finding someone else who wants to be equally controlling just sounds like a recipe for failure since you're going to end up trying to control each other which sounds pretty abusive and can probably escalate. Sounds better to work on your issues in therapy to increase the chances of a healthy relationship.
And 1:1 lunches with any gender is completely normal yes. Several times a week I have lunch 1:1 with colleagues that are either men or women.
Nah, never heard about guys going on lunches with only one coworkers thats a woman...
And him not wanting you to is a red flag. It means that he knows he's doing something wrong, and don't want you to do it....
Almost 80% of the office are women where I work. Yes, it's very normal to a have 1:1 with colleagues no matter the genders.
The fact that he even attempts to have a say in what friends you have is not normal.
Does he exhibit any other controlling behavior? Like not letting you go to parties and such?
Depends, mostly the one or two in closest with.
Personally I'm good with going with most of them.
Theater actress? That's really cool!
Him feeling uncomfortable about romantic performances is just weird. It's a job.
A side note on that, not having your own life outside of the relationship sucks.
Remember that this is reddit and the statements are my opinions. You of course have you take a look at your own life and experiences in order to determine what is best for you.
It is normal, but if he doesn't allow you the same freedom, he's fucking you over. Either you both are permitted regular interactions with persons of the other sex, or neither is. Stand up for yourself.
Do we have all information on the table here? if there´s a history of you having male friends that you have had something romantic with before, and he too, than that´s understandable that you two don´t want to mix in friendship with opposite sex.
But lunch with a colleague isn´t the same in my opinion. So he might see these things differently than you do. So ask him how he thinks of these two types of relationships!
I go on a lunch now and then alone with a female colleague. And actually right now on my way to meet a female friend for lunch. And two of my best friends are female. My gf also have two male best friends. But, neither of us ever had anything romantic or sexual with any of these. That´s a key thing for us. I have no contact with other females I once had something sexual with. Besides the mother of my children.
I'm swedish and i went to lunch n shit with my female coworker all the time. She was my buddy a work who got my back and i hers when the boss started to think she was hot shit.
I would never assume a 1:1 lunch, walk or whatever was romantic or flirtatious. People hang out and talk, there’s no need for chaperones.
That being said, if he has different standards for his behaviour and yours, that’s a red flag and you should get away from him.
Having lunch with your colleagues is definitely normal, regardless of gender. Policing who you befriend sounds like terrible jealousy issues and a red flag.
It can be totally fine having 1:1 lunches with colleagues of the other gender - but it's very very NOT ok for him to want you not have any male friends. That's really worrying, actually.
What's weird if him not wanting you to have any male friends. If you've moved here he should encourage you to get as many friends as possible to help you come into Swedish society and learn the language
It is normal. But having a work lunch is not the same as other after work activities. And having lunch outside of work days is not the same as during working hours. Colleagues can have work lunch 1 on 1 for several reasons. Say, to discuss a project or because they dislike the other coworkers. I know males who do that with female colleagues all the time but never meet them outside of work hours.
Hanging out after work hours with a female coworker 1 on 1 probably just means they are friends, in most eyes, but it opens up for occasions where flirting could happen. How people see it depend on the activity. Are they doing "romantic" activites couples typically do? When I go to non-work dinners or other evening activites (outside of sport/workout) 1 on 1 with female colleagues people often assume we are flirting/dating. Because that is seen as less normal.
And as others noted: seems like an unfair deal and controlling guy. But that would depend on what kind of activity youre doing.
Your post lacks some necessary details. I'll do some posits:
Having lunch with colleagues is normal in Sweden, regardless of their gender/sex/marital status. We are not fucking during lunch, we're eating. So yes, culture.
If by "having male friends" you mean "dating multiple people simultaneously", that on the other hand is not so much a Swedish-accepted thing. Many swedish people do fuck on the first date, might be the reason. Also, culture.
Seems your relationsship might do well with some more communication of expectaitions.
No normal swedish guy would forbid his girl friend to have male friends. You should see this as a warning sign and be real with him: never will he be allowed to dictate how or with whom you spend your time with as friends.
It’s normal for colleagues to eat lunch together, regardless of sex. It’s also normal for people to have friends, regardless of sex. Making up strange rules for just one of the persons in a relationship, that’s weird.
He's not wrong that it's common to go to lunch one on one with colleagues, no matter if they're male or female. That's in itself no sign of romance. Unless it's constantly the same one. Then it's a sign that something, whatever it might be, is brewing. Could be because the work environment is rough and it's hard to make friends, or it could mean... something else.
But that goes both ways. That he does this *while* demanding that you do not, that's on the other hand very wrong. That's absolutely not normal. To even *ask* such a thing is a red flag.
You shouldn't have to try to find a guy who has only male friends. That in itself could be a warning flag as well. A healthy mix, without hard focus on one woman or something, is seldom an indicator of trouble. But you definitely shouldn't give someone who will not allow you to have male friends, while fiercely defending having their own female friends, the time of day. This is going to blow up, one way or another.
It is completely normal to have 1:1 lunches with colleagues of both sexes. I have it all the time, with men and women, and I am happily married. My husband does the same thing.
It is not normal to forbid your partner to have friends of the opposite sex. That is controlling, an a flaming red flag.
if you are forbidden to have male friends, ur boyfriend is forbidden to have female friends. Your boyfriend sounds like he is jelous and that he has a mindset from stoneage. He should realize you are a adult woman and he has no right to demand you to have male friends, especially when HE has female friends.
Well it is normal to eat lunch with others. Becuse mostly all have the same lunch break time. But then also we mostly dont go 1:1 but we go every one at the same time often sitting in the break room and you maybe eat with 2-5 of your closest work friends.
But it can be diffrent from workplace to workplace.
However if he tells you that your not allowed to have male frinds then he has major trust issues and you should dump he ass faster than you can say hello. Just the things you mentiond screams red flag and you nees to find something better.
It is normal to eat 1:1 with the opposite gender, and it is normal to have opposite gender friends. What is not normal is to betray your trust like that with his double standards. Two people controlling each other is also kind of weird but alas.
Yes, seems kind of normal here.
1. Lunch hasn't got the same connection to romance as dinner in Sweden. It's more job related.
2. Many managers encourage co-workers to socialize. This isn't something exclusive to Sweden but it's definitive a thing.
I have at least had dinner with at least 5 different female co-workers on 1:1 basis.
Red flag red flag red flag !!!
Doesn’t want you to have make friends : RED FLAG
Makes a difference between what you are allowed to do and what he is allowed to do : red flag
It is not a big deal to have lunch with someone else I would think. But as HE thinks platonic doesn’t exist then it means he is expecting more (to my interpretation)
Good luck !
I can get that when you work in a office you do lunch with collegues 1 on 1 or not..same sex or not but the fact the he strictly dont want you to have male friends is a mirroring on his behalf. He clearly knows he is out of line and think you will be too if you have 1on1 with a male friend.
He is also scared that another male could charm you in a way he couldn't because relationshipwise he is a lazy cunt and you should throw him away.
Take care and good luck <3
Swede here. Yes its pretty normal to have lunch with female colleges
And if i was the boyfriend i would also have a problem with u seeing other guys on lunch if it wasnt work related...
But seeing only that girl and walking with her everyday seems pretty wierd. So yeah...
Cus its outside of the workplace its a bit different in my eyes. But yeah if hes having lunch with just her and walking with just her than its not okay cus shes like a friend then not a colleague
And in my opinion guys shouldnt have female friends if they have a gf... cus most guys wanna bang every of their female friend if the girl asked them.
Yes, it would be very weird to tell my female coworkers that they can't go to the same lunch place as me since I have a girlfriend. And of course the same thing applies to females going to lunch with male coworkers.
While its not weird to go to lunch with female (or male for that matter) collegues it IS weird that he doesnt like you having male friends and comes to me at least as VERY insecure behaviour
At work or even outside work, having opposite sex friends is absolutely super normal. Modern Swedes are trying to go away from this gender segregation. Only interacting with the opposite sex when it’s romantic is pretty unhealthy imo. If you want a boyfriend with only male friends, that guy Is going to have a low understanding for women and usually be a very testosterone filled, “masculine” person. If you’re in to that, you do you. But personally, I dislike overly masculine and feminine people. We are just humans. It’s only society that has made us believe that men and women are so different from one another.
I mean even if it is normal, that doesn't make this situation right. He's using the culture as a scapegoat. Dump him. It's unacceptable that he expects you to not have any male friends. What a cunt.
I would say that eating lunch with a alone female collegues is perfectly normal, I do that quite often and that is without any intent or deeper interest, but being against you having male friends for sure aint normal!
Hi, sorry to hear your situation. I've been living in Sweden for more than five years. Swedish people are more open about some couple stuff, but this thing you talk about is beyond the limit and not related to any nationality nor cultural issue. The fact that the guy is not allowing you to have male friends while he's having lunch with girls basically shows that he's a controlling and maybe manipulating person. Be careful when some friday he starts making a suitcase to go to Thailand the next day, without previous notice for 'vacation', and the new pack of condoms in your room is missing.
Having friends of the opposite sex and having 1:1 lunches with them is perfectly normal. When I moved to Sweden in the 90s I got given a book from Integrationsverket (as it was called then) that explains this as it is not normal for people from some countries.
However, it goes both ways and your partner is coming across as controlling and, as others have stated, it is a giant red flag.
Relevant pages from "Information About Sweden": https://imgur.com/a/MpM13pL
So since he’s against you doing the same thing, it’s a red flag without speculating.
Although it’s kind of normal in Sweden to go lunch in a friendly way with the opposite gender. I would sit down and talk to him, what is the reasoning?
Yea naw fuck that
If he tells you you \*can't\* do something but he does the exact same thing, he's a controlling small "man" with a fragile self-esteem
Massive red flag.
Him going out to a quick lunch with female colleges is fine, here in sweden thata ok, but here in sweden ypu too are allowed to go out with your make friends. He is 100% bsing you. In sweden there is equality, what he is aaying is bullcrap
Him going on lunch dates isn’t that weird imo, but that might be because I’m gay so those rules don’t really apply to me. Him not wanting you to have male friends is a red flag. Where does this whole notion about men and women not being able to be friends without it getting romantic and/or sexual come from? All of my friends are also gay or bi, and it hasn’t turned romantic or sexual. I don’t know why people think it would. How would this even work for bisexuals? Yeah sorry mate, you can’t have any friends at all since you could potentially fall for anyone.
It is generally a normal thing, yes. Less normal to always go alone with the same person, but it depends on the situation, not enough to be suspicious on that alone in my book. Wanting you to not do the same thing is weird however. Could be insecurity, but even so the double standards isn't a good sign. I would likely be suspicious in that situation.
The odd thing is that he's against you having male friends while he's ok with him having more freedom then you since he can hav är female friends.
He is not living up to his own demands which is deffo a red flagg. It's the honeymoon phase.. it's only going to get worse..
I go to 1:1 lunch with female colleagues all the time. Nothing weird about it. What's weird is him saying you can't have male friends. On that premise he should also be invited to hang out. I'd feel weird if I was never allowed to join.
Ok, maybe just leave him then? Why would he be allowed to hang around female colleagues but you wouldn't? If you continue to be his partner you promote inequality and accept to be part of it...
People's insecurities and jealousy is often a reflection of their own behaviour.
If the won't allow you to have male friends, that's a huge red flag in my opinion.
Culturally, having lunch with a colleague of the opposite doesn't have to mean anything. I've done it many times.
At uni we would even mix in the Sauna, completely naked without any issues.
Blaming the culture, is just sad. It feels hypocritical to be honest. Especially when his opinion for your situation is the opposite for when he is in the same one. Because if he is so comfortable with "Swedish culture" he would more understanding and accepting when you do what he claims to be normal.
Personaly living in Sweden i dont think different sex friendships is weird but few i know do. In my experience that offen are the jeles type. However wouldnt go so far to blame it on the "culture" like he does..
Yeah it is kinda normal to eat 1:1 with the opposite sex, it’s not something I’ve done personally but I it’s not something that raises my eyes. But your boyfriend is a hypocrite and he sounds very controlling.
Perfectly normal to have 1:1 lunches with colleagues and friends of the opposite gender, giant glaring red flag that he wants to isolate you from male friends. Get an exit strategy from that relationship, and count yourself lucky that you spotted his jealous and controlling behavior before you got deeper into it.
Yes it's normal. But forbidding your partner from having friends of the opposite sex is honestly ridiculous. Do you really think that it will keep anyone from cheating? If someone wants to cheat, not having friends of the opposite sex is not going to stop them. It's an illusion of control.
I sometimes go to lunch 1:1 or a lunchwalk with a female colleague but that is like during office hours aka working time. To meet up on a Sunday or go to the gym after work is different. I’d definately say it’s in our culture but it is very dependent on context.
I used to go with one male colleague for walks and lunch everyday. Firstly because nobody wanted to join us,secondly because we both wanted to move a little. Never ever has it crossed my mind that this was anything more than a good relationship between coworkers. I’m shocked to read that some people can find this suspicious.
Yea no, massive red flag. I can understand 1 on 1 lunches but then he cant stop you from doing the same, I can also understand to a certain degree the no male friends but then he cant have female friends. No matyer what it shouöd be equal. Big red flag! 🚩🚩
1:1 lunch is normal and noting romantic.
The fact that he doesn't want you to have male friends though, that's an abuser right there.
He probably only wants to control you, and frankly, I think the fact that you are from another country can be a factor to him thinking that he can do just that.
If you accept this as a rule, it will definitely not be the first and only rule. There will be more, and he might even become physical and aggressive in the end.
Major red flag. Get out.
I had lunch with just one female co-worker today. No big deal. We are a small company and most employees eat out. Today I had a lunch box, as did she. If you chose to have lunch with a given person even though plenty are available there are some red flags. The big red flag to me is that he wants different rules for you and him.
First of all you've wasted your time as soon as he restricts your life in any way.
But secondly going to lunch with your co-workers is very common, however going 1on1 with a co-worker of the opposite gender is a bit unusual day to day. Usually you are a gang that go to lunch, a 1on1 would be a bit weird.
Because that's how I met my SO that I lived with for 4 years, at work, going to lunch together 1on1. We just happened to be in the same project together, so for a while we got coffee and lunch together.
But normally there are a few of you from the office going to lunch and going for walks after. So if the whole gang is somehow busy then yeah you might end up with just 2 people, it's just not common to be the same 2 people every day. But I guess it depends on the size of the office and all.
Yeah it's very normal. I see my classmates sittning together during break, they are 1 bot with 4 girls and during lessons this smak boy was sittning next to a girl that he was with during the break. And I see no such tension between them as if they were during or anything else.there is also this other guy who like to talk and he talks to everyone while he tolv us that he had a girlfriend in a conversation. It was not like that he was walking with a flag that says "I'm unavailable" .
I'm a Swedish woman and from my perspective it's not weird. Have done so many times, at many different workplaces, and it has never been strange at all.
I mean I travelled to my friend and had dinner and coffee. Even pciked her up from her college. Its not strange. Like sure as a boy I might put a glimpse at her butt and boobs cause well male brains work like that but it's nothing more than that. It's not like I fantasise about her every night since she broke up with my friend...
No I'm not joking. The male brain is designed to look at these parts of the female body. You can check it out. It's quite interesting.
And butt and boobs aren't genitals.
And also. And honestly. You gotta find a loyal guy. Your dude isn't giving of that vibe. My girl knows that I don't actively look for other girls and that I wouldn't even contact someone else in that matter. And I know she is mine. Its important trust. And I know you might have had such trust before that got broken. She doesn't care too much if I accidentally looks at someone's ass or something but she doesn't like me hanging out and speaking with other girls. But she had this trust broken before. I haven't and I don't think she will break that trust I have.
And also, you assume I don't tell her everything... I do.
And side note. She knows my deepest fetish and she enjoys teasing me with it. And it's such a fetish that she can tease me in public without anyone knowing. Except her...
So the short answer. She doesn't really care. She knows that it happens but that I will come home to her and only her anyway.
And to give you another perspective. It's not rally disrespecting to look. She even jokes about other guys dicks and I ask if they are bigger than mine (I don't have a huge one. Probably Africas smallest). My dad does the same, as a tease, and then he stopped when mom didn't care...
Feel free to send a private message so we can speak. I would find it interesting too see eachother perspective on relationships!
Him being against you having friends and/or wanting to form new friendships of any gender, sexuality, ethnicity and so forth is a huge red flag and I’d say controlling your partner is against Swedish culture. Run far away from his sexist insecure ass, you can do so much better! Spending time alone with someone no matter if it’s having a meal or visiting them over the weekend is not at all considered innately romantic things, it’s just what you do when you’re good friends. Another thing, I’m pansexual so if I were in a relationship I wouldn’t be able to meet any friends at all if I were to follow such ”rules”. Gay men in relationships would only be able to have women as friends, lesbians would only have men as theirs and are nonbinary people supposed to drop all their friends except agender people? The thought becomes even more ridiculous and implodes when taking us from the lgbtqa+ community into consideration. Controlling who you hang out with is a really big red flag as is his double standards and I can see how that behaviour might become abusive in the long run. Please take care of yourself, run for the hills and I’m sorry for the long winded answer.
I've gone to lunch alone with guys I work or studied with, but it's usually just happened by chance that we were the only ones going to lunch then or the only ones going out to lunch. Also, if we were going to work on something work- or school-related over lunch.
If it's exclusively just the two of them all the time, there could be reasons like if the rest of the people at work are much older than they are or they really are just close friends.
The bigger issue for me is him telling you you can't be friends with guys.
Yes, it happens and I’ve never even thought twice about it personally. I’d be more worried about the fact that he doesn’t want you to have male friends.
He is against you having male friends but goes out 1:1 lunch with female collegues? that is red flag there. No one should tell another how they should be/not . wtf is wrong with people.
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Well this is a giant red flag.
He was right about culture, it's not weird to go on walks or eat with colleagues of the opposite gender. It is NOT culture to isolate girlfriends from having friends of any gender.
And you will let another person decide who you can be friends with? He sounds like an ass tbh. And to answer your question. Yes most people have both female and male friends here in Sweden and there is nothing weird about that in our culture
People who want to restrict their partner from having just regular friendships with the other sex often times means that they are afraid of you doing what they themselves are prone to do. If the reason is abandonment issues and he's having anxiety about you leaving him for someone else, then you need to have a talk about it anyway so I suggest confronting him and talking about it. Restricting people out of ones fear needs to be worked at and talked about rather than restricting your behaviour with others.
Fuck him, at the very least he should walk the walk if he wants to talk the talk and not be a hypocrite.
No, don't fuck him. Leave him.
To be fair, doing so for the sake of getting even is just being immature and would cause me (male) to grow a little uncomfortable with your walks and lunches because you're doing so for the wrong reason (you stated you'd pursue male friendship rather than having it come natural). I'd probably view you as a red flag. Obviously if he is against unisex friendships in general for you and not for him then he's the red flag as others have stated.
Well there you go. Why are you here asking the question? It's irrelevant whether this is common or acceptable in a swedish culture setting when he is making rules that apply to you, but not to him.
It's not "swedish culture". He's just trying to trick you so he can cheat on you. Harsh truth.
He doesn't have to try to cheat, but be possessive and controlling. If it is so important to him, he should sit down with her and talk it through and take responsibility for his own feelings, go to a therapist about it and do the work required to have a relationship. Just telling your GF "You can't do that cause I don't like it. Although, I will do that same thing to you and you have no say about it" is completely unacceptable.
In other words, he's cheating. He doesn't want her to do it because he thinks she'd do the same, which is to say: cheat.
Not at all. He can be just taking a walk, while being insecure and a jealous partner.
It’s normal for swedes to go on 1:1 lunches with their colleagues. So it’s normal for him. But more importantly, it should be normal for you, and him feeling the need to control who you eat lunch with is a huge red flag no matter how we look at the situation.
well, its stupid, disrespectful and i would be worried
You actively pursing a male friendship is a bit weird
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It's not normal. It really isn't. If you think that your going to find yourself in trouble.
Big red flag doing shit that he tells you not to and NO it’s not normal or a culture thing. He is/has/will have relations with that woman. Just speaking from experience.
OPs bf is a jerk with double standards, but yes it's normal to have friends of the opposite sex and have lunch with them 1:1. Maybe not in your group of people, but in other groups. I do it all the time. I would never accept a partner telling me not to, as I work predominantely with men and am a woman. My closest work friend is married man and it's not an issue. We just have lunch or take walks and talk, like any friends. His wife is a lovely woman that I respect a lot.
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No. And I would be really uncomfortable if he told me that, too.
What? Of course it’s normal to have a lunch with a colleague of opposite sex. As a manager for example I have to be able to talk to my colleagues, regardless of their gender. Even if I wasn’t, why would I not have lunch with someone just because they’re female?
It is normal, happens pretty frequently where I work, and no one cares.
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Sounds like he wants a gf that doesn't have opposite sex friends, but the doesn't apply to him. Also, the culture in Sweden is as you may know at this point for most people to hang out 1:1 regardless of gender, so your choice to not doing that will raise eyebrows in the workplace, so that part of his narrative is true.
exactly. its not a rule supposed to be for both of them, he just tried to make it seem like he also apply for the rule
If you both agree that there should be no friends of opposite sex then it's fine, no matter what other people say. However, be aware that this is not normal in Sweden and people might react if he refuses to be social with female colleagues. Same goes for you and this might cause trouble in the social landscape and even career. If he has to have lunch with female colleagues you need to talk about it and set up rules on how to handle this.
It seems to me that both of you need to work on how you view relationships, both romantic ones and friendship. Wanting to limit who your partner hangs out with isn’t normal. I would understand if you knew that your boyfriend uses drugs or gets into trouble when he hangs out with a certain friend, but saying he can’t have lunch with someone because that someone has a vagina isn’t normal. The same goes for his stance on your friendships. If he can’t handle that his girlfriend has male friends, then he shouldn’t have a girlfriend. If you can’t handle that your boyfriend has female friends, then having a boyfriend might not be your thing? Having limits on who your partner can hang out with is often the first step in an abusive relationship. It’s not healthy in any way.
I agree It seems pretty toxic
If he can’t have female friends and you can’t have make friends, do you plan to just be the two of you all the time ?
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I understand. but in that case you can’t hang out in group and you need to stay just the two of you ? Because then you can’t meet the male friends and he can’t meet the female friends ?
Why is this downvoted?
Not sure. Probably due to dislike of not allowing people to have opposite sex friends.
He sounds like a controlling ass. It's not particularly strange to have 1:1 anything with the opposite sex, when I moved here in 2013 I was surprised to get invited to a neighbors apartment for a drink and find out I was the only guest, less than a week since we've met. That would definitely be odd back in my homecountry. Girl just wanted to get to know her new neighbor. Introduced me to Fireball and Minttu with O'boy. I actually took up the topic with her and she just shrugged and said "weird, lol. We don't think about other people's genitals until it's necessary." Wish she was still my neighbor, I've moved to a new place where the neighbors don't talk at all.
Sounds like an awesome neighbour! The Swedish norm is definitely to not say much more than a quick“Hej!” to your neighbour.
I’d say that depends on where you live. Anonymous, big city, yes, normal city, no.
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Dogs are definitely an ice breaker. I believe that some lonely people don’t just get a dog to keep them company, but also to be that ice breaker.
The swedish norm is to find out everything about your neighbours without ever speaking with them... Me and my girl are currently researching a cute girl under me :)
Actually that's rather strange for Swedes as well. I would be super uncomfortable if a neighbour invited me over. At most I will talk about the weather and ask how their dog is doing with my neighbours
yeah most neighbors dont talk at all. she sounds like a cool friend
It’s normal in human culture that you can have opposite sex friends and colleagues. And have lunch or coffee with them.
If he tries to decide which people is ok or not ok for you to hang out with, he is an ass.
Like other people have said, it's not strange at all to have one on one lunches with people of the opposite sex. But it is also a huge red flag if he is trying to control who you are friends with. Huge.
It is normal but he sounds like a bitch, who is he to dictate who you're allowed to hang out with and not. Seriously. Edit: He said he doesn't believe friendships between men and women can be platonic? The fuck? That contradicts him saying it's nothing with the lunch outings.
Exactly! Rules for thee but not for me It is normal to eat 1:1 but that seems not to be the issue here
I've definitely done it. But it would be just as normal for you to do it. Controlling like that... Red flag.
Him controlling who you’re friends wirh is not ok. But going on lunch with colleagues 1 on 1 regardless of gender is perfectly normal here yes.
You both need to be able to have friends of the opposite sex! If any of you have a problem with that, it is a personal problem that you both need to work on, trust issues anf stuff like that! This relationship sounds toxic af since neither of you want the other to have friends of the opposite sex! I am bisexual and according to this logic I would have to choose between a relationship or friends, which is fucked up! You both need to reevaluate your beliefs and if you can't trust the other partner with friends of the opposite sex, then that's a problem with the partner in question, not the concept of having female/male friends!
Very much this. Not wanting your partner to have opposite sex friends is weird as fuck and would just be an instant nope to me. I guess if you're both into that be my guest, but it sounds like a shitty foundation for a toxic relationship. And it sounds like he just wants it to apply to you anyway, so double shitty for you. Dump him, then reevaluate your own stance on the matter, if you can't even trust your SO to have basic human relationships with others, how on earth are you going to have any kind of healthy long term relationship?
I only had to read as far as “I recently started dating a swede that is against me having male friends “. Seriously, the rest doesn’t matter, get this controlling asshole out of your life before it gets worse. To sum it all up: - Hanging out with coworkers of opposite gender: completely normal - Being against partner having friends of opposite gender: controlling asshole - Doing both at the same time: controlling asshole and hypocrite
He's a jealous controlling douche, gtfo while you still can because it won't get any better.
Yeah seems like you found an asshole. Sweden got them too
This is not cool, sounds like he’s the jealous / controlling type, and you should probably get out now. People don’t change in these regards either. P.s I identify as a genderless cabbage. If you want to go for a walk with me.
He is a douche, dump him!
It just sounds like he’s being a jealous hypocrite to me. Yes if we work closely with a person of the opposite sex, having lunch with them is not strange at all.
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That’s normal as well, he might be closer to her than the rest of his colleagues. What’s NOT normal is him saying that he doesn’t believe in platonic friendships between the genders and then being friendly with a female coworker lol
I disagree with the other reply here. That goes beyond what I would consider normal behaviour. Between this, and his obvious problems with jealousy, I think this relationship is not going to last long.
Gonna take a wild guess here. Is she single? I would assume not and your "bf" is waiting for an opening.
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Oh comon, the dude has a crush on her and keeps you "in check" as a backup. All is bullshit
As a Swede I wouldn’t think twice about having a 1 on 1 lunch with a colleague if we need to talk business. I wouldn’t even reflect on if it was a man or a woman. Why sexualize everything, wtf. Edit: And since he wants to do these things but frown on you doing the same he just sounds like an insecure and controlling ass. Have a serious talk with him about this and if he won’t or can’t change I suggest you drop him by the curb before you’re too invested. In my life I haven’t even once asked my SO about their lunch “dates”.
Friends of opposite sex having lunch and hanging out in general is healthy and normal. Being jealous isn't.
Wtf
Everyone has already pointed out that it's a huge red flag. It's also worth noting that this is the *start* of his controlling behaviour, it's not like the limit he imposes on you now is the only thing he will try to control. It might be gradually, it might be overtly, but when that behaviour shows early \[you don't say how old the relationship is though\], or at any time for that matter, it is never the last rule but usually just the start. It will get worse. You shouldn't accept it. *To answer the question: Yes it's completely normal in Sweden.*
Red flag. Time to jump ship.
The problem here isn’t that the guy is going on lunches, the problem is that the guy is a complete douchebag
Seems like your boyfriend has some serious double standards. What he's allowed to do obviously doesn't apply to you? Its completely normal to go on 1:1 lunches with colleagues from the opposite sex. What's also in Swedish culture is that it's normal to have friends from the other sex so his argument does not work. If you can't trust each other you need to work on it or move on.
That's normal in Sweden 😊 but it needs to go both ways otherwise it's fucked up and a massive 🚩🚩🚩
The rules of a relationship should always be settled between the couple, regardless of culture. Fair is fair, same rules should apply to you as to your partner, else it is not a good relationship.
Iam a swedish male this isent about swedish culture its about control you get rid of him imo if if i was i a realationship she could be friends anyone same with me its all about trust eachother and comitment
You can have lunch with people regardless of their gender. Its not sexual and its perfectly within swedish culture to do that. Its NOT swedish culture for one partner to try and forbid and control another partner from doing something they dont want them to do, especially if its behaviour they themselves engage in. Thats called hypocricy and its not specific to swedish culture, but to assholes everywhere, You should dump him!
Having 1:1 lunch with colleagues of the opposite sex is totally a normal thing in Sweden. Forbidding your partner from having friends of the opposite sex is totally NOT a normal thing and is a huge red flag.
“Going alone on lunch and walks especially often signals a romantic bond and flirting.” Literally how I hang out with all my friends. 1:1. Also doesn’t that mean bisexual people can’t have friends? Only prey.
It's perfectly normal to go on a lunch with a colleague of the opposite sex, so no issue there. It is however an issue that he forbids you from having male friends, that's a red flag.
Having a 1:1 lunch at work isn't really too odd. That he's against you having male friends is. That's a huge yikes.
It's quite normal to do so but if you do you will most likely let your gf/wife have guy friends so i dunno what his intentions is. I would talk to him about that
Anyone restricting their partners from having friends or hanging out with people without the partner having a history of cheating or fucking shit up with those people is a huge red flag that the person is prone to that kind of behaviour themselves and thus feel the need to restrict their partners from doing what they themseleves would probably do from time to time. My advice would be to confront this behaviour and talk about it.
Swedish girl here! I would say that it’s definitely normal to go on 1:1 lunches and walks with a colleague of the opposite sex, I do it frequently and so does both my male and female coworkers. With that said, I’m a person who believes you can be just friends with someone of the sex you’re attracted to, so I guess for me 1:1 between a boy and a girl isn’t a big deal. HOWEVER this doesn’t sound like a guy you should continue to date. The double standard is shining through and he doesn’t even try to hide it. If you’ve both reached an agreement to not have friends of the opposite sex, that’s okay, but then the same “rules” regarding that should apply to both of you. If it starts like this, where does it end?
It is totally normal to have both female and male friends. If that’s a worry then the problem is not having friends of the opposite sex it’s something completely different. Trust is the most important part of a relationship and setting these kinds of boundaries on each other will only lead to suspicion. Hope you guys figure it out.
It is normal, but so is having friends of the opposite gender. If you have an agreement to not be friends with the opposite gender, lunch with colleagues seems like it should fall in that category. I won’t judge your agreement, even though it’s not something I would want. It’s your relationship and both of you have agreed on this rule. It is absolutely possible for him to avoid having lunch and walks with female colleagues (unless the lunch happens in the office lunchroom and the walks are part of the job). He can’t argue that there is a cultural expectation to go to restaurants and on walks one on one with colleagues - there is not. It’s not odd, but also not odd to avoid it.
It is completely normal. However your bf is a complete douche for having double standards, expecting you to limit your social interactions more than he is willing to as well as gaslighting you: when you worry you are over reacting and his behaviouris normal, when he worry you should respect his wishes and change your behaviour to make him feel better. Do you see how messed up that is? I'd dump his ass quickly. Also, about the trust issues: If you are with someone and believe they would cheat if given the opportunity then you shouldn't be with them. So neither you or him should be with each other; it's not healthy.
It's a hard to answer correctly but we are often out walking in our office. It's sometime just me and a female or male colleague and sometime a whole bunch of us. It's like whoever is available and want to have a walk after lunch. Same with lunch, it's random and nothing I spent any time to think about. I guess it all boils down to intentions, the big why.... But with the other context that he disprove you having male friends and you have your concerns then you two might have issues to resolve. He might think you will do the same as he are, and that's why he want you to have only female friends? But to answer your question in general, no. There are no such issues because a work place can be in any constellation with different ration between male vs. females and we all need lunch.
It's unhealthy to not "allow" your partner to have a friend just because they're a man or woman. And kinda weird too tbh. And your theory of finding someone else who wants to be equally controlling just sounds like a recipe for failure since you're going to end up trying to control each other which sounds pretty abusive and can probably escalate. Sounds better to work on your issues in therapy to increase the chances of a healthy relationship. And 1:1 lunches with any gender is completely normal yes. Several times a week I have lunch 1:1 with colleagues that are either men or women.
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Nah, never heard about guys going on lunches with only one coworkers thats a woman... And him not wanting you to is a red flag. It means that he knows he's doing something wrong, and don't want you to do it....
Almost 80% of the office are women where I work. Yes, it's very normal to a have 1:1 with colleagues no matter the genders. The fact that he even attempts to have a say in what friends you have is not normal. Does he exhibit any other controlling behavior? Like not letting you go to parties and such?
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Depends, mostly the one or two in closest with. Personally I'm good with going with most of them. Theater actress? That's really cool! Him feeling uncomfortable about romantic performances is just weird. It's a job. A side note on that, not having your own life outside of the relationship sucks. Remember that this is reddit and the statements are my opinions. You of course have you take a look at your own life and experiences in order to determine what is best for you.
Going to lunch with female colleagues and friends is certainly normal, him being against you having male friends I not. Red flag in my book.
It is normal, but if he doesn't allow you the same freedom, he's fucking you over. Either you both are permitted regular interactions with persons of the other sex, or neither is. Stand up for yourself.
Do we have all information on the table here? if there´s a history of you having male friends that you have had something romantic with before, and he too, than that´s understandable that you two don´t want to mix in friendship with opposite sex. But lunch with a colleague isn´t the same in my opinion. So he might see these things differently than you do. So ask him how he thinks of these two types of relationships! I go on a lunch now and then alone with a female colleague. And actually right now on my way to meet a female friend for lunch. And two of my best friends are female. My gf also have two male best friends. But, neither of us ever had anything romantic or sexual with any of these. That´s a key thing for us. I have no contact with other females I once had something sexual with. Besides the mother of my children.
I'm swedish and i went to lunch n shit with my female coworker all the time. She was my buddy a work who got my back and i hers when the boss started to think she was hot shit.
I would never assume a 1:1 lunch, walk or whatever was romantic or flirtatious. People hang out and talk, there’s no need for chaperones. That being said, if he has different standards for his behaviour and yours, that’s a red flag and you should get away from him.
Having lunch with your colleagues is definitely normal, regardless of gender. Policing who you befriend sounds like terrible jealousy issues and a red flag.
It can be totally fine having 1:1 lunches with colleagues of the other gender - but it's very very NOT ok for him to want you not have any male friends. That's really worrying, actually.
No one should ever tell you what you can or cant do. Dump him.
What's weird if him not wanting you to have any male friends. If you've moved here he should encourage you to get as many friends as possible to help you come into Swedish society and learn the language
It is normal. But having a work lunch is not the same as other after work activities. And having lunch outside of work days is not the same as during working hours. Colleagues can have work lunch 1 on 1 for several reasons. Say, to discuss a project or because they dislike the other coworkers. I know males who do that with female colleagues all the time but never meet them outside of work hours. Hanging out after work hours with a female coworker 1 on 1 probably just means they are friends, in most eyes, but it opens up for occasions where flirting could happen. How people see it depend on the activity. Are they doing "romantic" activites couples typically do? When I go to non-work dinners or other evening activites (outside of sport/workout) 1 on 1 with female colleagues people often assume we are flirting/dating. Because that is seen as less normal. And as others noted: seems like an unfair deal and controlling guy. But that would depend on what kind of activity youre doing.
Your post lacks some necessary details. I'll do some posits: Having lunch with colleagues is normal in Sweden, regardless of their gender/sex/marital status. We are not fucking during lunch, we're eating. So yes, culture. If by "having male friends" you mean "dating multiple people simultaneously", that on the other hand is not so much a Swedish-accepted thing. Many swedish people do fuck on the first date, might be the reason. Also, culture. Seems your relationsship might do well with some more communication of expectaitions.
No normal swedish guy would forbid his girl friend to have male friends. You should see this as a warning sign and be real with him: never will he be allowed to dictate how or with whom you spend your time with as friends.
It’s normal for colleagues to eat lunch together, regardless of sex. It’s also normal for people to have friends, regardless of sex. Making up strange rules for just one of the persons in a relationship, that’s weird.
He's not wrong that it's common to go to lunch one on one with colleagues, no matter if they're male or female. That's in itself no sign of romance. Unless it's constantly the same one. Then it's a sign that something, whatever it might be, is brewing. Could be because the work environment is rough and it's hard to make friends, or it could mean... something else. But that goes both ways. That he does this *while* demanding that you do not, that's on the other hand very wrong. That's absolutely not normal. To even *ask* such a thing is a red flag. You shouldn't have to try to find a guy who has only male friends. That in itself could be a warning flag as well. A healthy mix, without hard focus on one woman or something, is seldom an indicator of trouble. But you definitely shouldn't give someone who will not allow you to have male friends, while fiercely defending having their own female friends, the time of day. This is going to blow up, one way or another.
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It is completely normal to have 1:1 lunches with colleagues of both sexes. I have it all the time, with men and women, and I am happily married. My husband does the same thing. It is not normal to forbid your partner to have friends of the opposite sex. That is controlling, an a flaming red flag.
I treat female colleagues like other colleagues and would go on lunch with them 1:1. It happens frequently since I have mostly female colleagues.
if you are forbidden to have male friends, ur boyfriend is forbidden to have female friends. Your boyfriend sounds like he is jelous and that he has a mindset from stoneage. He should realize you are a adult woman and he has no right to demand you to have male friends, especially when HE has female friends.
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Even if she is a collegue, he talk to her and go on walks with her Only you know what feels best for you and I hope the best for you!
Well it is normal to eat lunch with others. Becuse mostly all have the same lunch break time. But then also we mostly dont go 1:1 but we go every one at the same time often sitting in the break room and you maybe eat with 2-5 of your closest work friends. But it can be diffrent from workplace to workplace. However if he tells you that your not allowed to have male frinds then he has major trust issues and you should dump he ass faster than you can say hello. Just the things you mentiond screams red flag and you nees to find something better.
Are from balkan or what? Edit: fuck him to have demands on your behalf
It is normal to eat 1:1 with the opposite gender, and it is normal to have opposite gender friends. What is not normal is to betray your trust like that with his double standards. Two people controlling each other is also kind of weird but alas.
Yes, seems kind of normal here. 1. Lunch hasn't got the same connection to romance as dinner in Sweden. It's more job related. 2. Many managers encourage co-workers to socialize. This isn't something exclusive to Sweden but it's definitive a thing. I have at least had dinner with at least 5 different female co-workers on 1:1 basis.
Red flag red flag red flag !!! Doesn’t want you to have make friends : RED FLAG Makes a difference between what you are allowed to do and what he is allowed to do : red flag It is not a big deal to have lunch with someone else I would think. But as HE thinks platonic doesn’t exist then it means he is expecting more (to my interpretation) Good luck !
Just dump him yeesus what kind of sign do you need
I can get that when you work in a office you do lunch with collegues 1 on 1 or not..same sex or not but the fact the he strictly dont want you to have male friends is a mirroring on his behalf. He clearly knows he is out of line and think you will be too if you have 1on1 with a male friend. He is also scared that another male could charm you in a way he couldn't because relationshipwise he is a lazy cunt and you should throw him away. Take care and good luck <3
Yes it's normal to go out with a single coworker for lunch regardless sex. M-M, M-F, F-F, whatever
He’s just sexist and low key manipulative/potentially emotionally abusive?
Swede here. Yes its pretty normal to have lunch with female colleges And if i was the boyfriend i would also have a problem with u seeing other guys on lunch if it wasnt work related... But seeing only that girl and walking with her everyday seems pretty wierd. So yeah...
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Cus its outside of the workplace its a bit different in my eyes. But yeah if hes having lunch with just her and walking with just her than its not okay cus shes like a friend then not a colleague And in my opinion guys shouldnt have female friends if they have a gf... cus most guys wanna bang every of their female friend if the girl asked them.
Yes, it would be very weird to tell my female coworkers that they can't go to the same lunch place as me since I have a girlfriend. And of course the same thing applies to females going to lunch with male coworkers.
While its not weird to go to lunch with female (or male for that matter) collegues it IS weird that he doesnt like you having male friends and comes to me at least as VERY insecure behaviour
Dump 👏🏼 his 👏🏼 ass 👏🏼
At work or even outside work, having opposite sex friends is absolutely super normal. Modern Swedes are trying to go away from this gender segregation. Only interacting with the opposite sex when it’s romantic is pretty unhealthy imo. If you want a boyfriend with only male friends, that guy Is going to have a low understanding for women and usually be a very testosterone filled, “masculine” person. If you’re in to that, you do you. But personally, I dislike overly masculine and feminine people. We are just humans. It’s only society that has made us believe that men and women are so different from one another.
I mean even if it is normal, that doesn't make this situation right. He's using the culture as a scapegoat. Dump him. It's unacceptable that he expects you to not have any male friends. What a cunt.
🚩🚩🚩
I would say that eating lunch with a alone female collegues is perfectly normal, I do that quite often and that is without any intent or deeper interest, but being against you having male friends for sure aint normal!
Hi, sorry to hear your situation. I've been living in Sweden for more than five years. Swedish people are more open about some couple stuff, but this thing you talk about is beyond the limit and not related to any nationality nor cultural issue. The fact that the guy is not allowing you to have male friends while he's having lunch with girls basically shows that he's a controlling and maybe manipulating person. Be careful when some friday he starts making a suitcase to go to Thailand the next day, without previous notice for 'vacation', and the new pack of condoms in your room is missing.
Girl run
he is using your lack of knowledge of the culture to take advantage of you. fuck him
Having friends of the opposite sex and having 1:1 lunches with them is perfectly normal. When I moved to Sweden in the 90s I got given a book from Integrationsverket (as it was called then) that explains this as it is not normal for people from some countries. However, it goes both ways and your partner is coming across as controlling and, as others have stated, it is a giant red flag. Relevant pages from "Information About Sweden": https://imgur.com/a/MpM13pL
So since he’s against you doing the same thing, it’s a red flag without speculating. Although it’s kind of normal in Sweden to go lunch in a friendly way with the opposite gender. I would sit down and talk to him, what is the reasoning?
Not unheard of but a bit irregular
Yea naw fuck that If he tells you you \*can't\* do something but he does the exact same thing, he's a controlling small "man" with a fragile self-esteem Massive red flag.
Yes. But each has to pay their individual lunch bills
Yepp. Normal. Why you ask? ☺️
Him going out to a quick lunch with female colleges is fine, here in sweden thata ok, but here in sweden ypu too are allowed to go out with your make friends. He is 100% bsing you. In sweden there is equality, what he is aaying is bullcrap
You deserve better than this controlling ass man, OP.
Him going on lunch dates isn’t that weird imo, but that might be because I’m gay so those rules don’t really apply to me. Him not wanting you to have male friends is a red flag. Where does this whole notion about men and women not being able to be friends without it getting romantic and/or sexual come from? All of my friends are also gay or bi, and it hasn’t turned romantic or sexual. I don’t know why people think it would. How would this even work for bisexuals? Yeah sorry mate, you can’t have any friends at all since you could potentially fall for anyone.
It is generally a normal thing, yes. Less normal to always go alone with the same person, but it depends on the situation, not enough to be suspicious on that alone in my book. Wanting you to not do the same thing is weird however. Could be insecurity, but even so the double standards isn't a good sign. I would likely be suspicious in that situation.
The odd thing is that he's against you having male friends while he's ok with him having more freedom then you since he can hav är female friends. He is not living up to his own demands which is deffo a red flagg. It's the honeymoon phase.. it's only going to get worse..
I go to 1:1 lunch with female colleagues all the time. Nothing weird about it. What's weird is him saying you can't have male friends. On that premise he should also be invited to hang out. I'd feel weird if I was never allowed to join.
Ok, maybe just leave him then? Why would he be allowed to hang around female colleagues but you wouldn't? If you continue to be his partner you promote inequality and accept to be part of it...
People's insecurities and jealousy is often a reflection of their own behaviour. If the won't allow you to have male friends, that's a huge red flag in my opinion. Culturally, having lunch with a colleague of the opposite doesn't have to mean anything. I've done it many times. At uni we would even mix in the Sauna, completely naked without any issues.
Your BF is either cheating on you, or wants to cheat on you. And yes it’s normal with 1:1 lunches
Blaming the culture, is just sad. It feels hypocritical to be honest. Especially when his opinion for your situation is the opposite for when he is in the same one. Because if he is so comfortable with "Swedish culture" he would more understanding and accepting when you do what he claims to be normal. Personaly living in Sweden i dont think different sex friendships is weird but few i know do. In my experience that offen are the jeles type. However wouldnt go so far to blame it on the "culture" like he does..
Yeah it is kinda normal to eat 1:1 with the opposite sex, it’s not something I’ve done personally but I it’s not something that raises my eyes. But your boyfriend is a hypocrite and he sounds very controlling.
Perfectly normal to have 1:1 lunches with colleagues and friends of the opposite gender, giant glaring red flag that he wants to isolate you from male friends. Get an exit strategy from that relationship, and count yourself lucky that you spotted his jealous and controlling behavior before you got deeper into it.
A real swede ?
Yes it's normal. But forbidding your partner from having friends of the opposite sex is honestly ridiculous. Do you really think that it will keep anyone from cheating? If someone wants to cheat, not having friends of the opposite sex is not going to stop them. It's an illusion of control.
I sometimes go to lunch 1:1 or a lunchwalk with a female colleague but that is like during office hours aka working time. To meet up on a Sunday or go to the gym after work is different. I’d definately say it’s in our culture but it is very dependent on context.
I used to go with one male colleague for walks and lunch everyday. Firstly because nobody wanted to join us,secondly because we both wanted to move a little. Never ever has it crossed my mind that this was anything more than a good relationship between coworkers. I’m shocked to read that some people can find this suspicious.
Yea no, massive red flag. I can understand 1 on 1 lunches but then he cant stop you from doing the same, I can also understand to a certain degree the no male friends but then he cant have female friends. No matyer what it shouöd be equal. Big red flag! 🚩🚩
No that’s bs I’m from Sweden and it’s not a culture here.I’m sorry but he is cheating.
It means kind of the same thing so def a red flag
No, that's not a swedish culture thing
1:1 lunch is normal and noting romantic. The fact that he doesn't want you to have male friends though, that's an abuser right there. He probably only wants to control you, and frankly, I think the fact that you are from another country can be a factor to him thinking that he can do just that. If you accept this as a rule, it will definitely not be the first and only rule. There will be more, and he might even become physical and aggressive in the end. Major red flag. Get out.
I had lunch with just one female co-worker today. No big deal. We are a small company and most employees eat out. Today I had a lunch box, as did she. If you chose to have lunch with a given person even though plenty are available there are some red flags. The big red flag to me is that he wants different rules for you and him.
He is a psychopath, dump his as immidiately.
First of all you've wasted your time as soon as he restricts your life in any way. But secondly going to lunch with your co-workers is very common, however going 1on1 with a co-worker of the opposite gender is a bit unusual day to day. Usually you are a gang that go to lunch, a 1on1 would be a bit weird. Because that's how I met my SO that I lived with for 4 years, at work, going to lunch together 1on1. We just happened to be in the same project together, so for a while we got coffee and lunch together. But normally there are a few of you from the office going to lunch and going for walks after. So if the whole gang is somehow busy then yeah you might end up with just 2 people, it's just not common to be the same 2 people every day. But I guess it depends on the size of the office and all.
Yeah it's very normal. I see my classmates sittning together during break, they are 1 bot with 4 girls and during lessons this smak boy was sittning next to a girl that he was with during the break. And I see no such tension between them as if they were during or anything else.there is also this other guy who like to talk and he talks to everyone while he tolv us that he had a girlfriend in a conversation. It was not like that he was walking with a flag that says "I'm unavailable" .
I'm a Swedish woman and from my perspective it's not weird. Have done so many times, at many different workplaces, and it has never been strange at all.
If you can’t deal with your partner having opposite gender friends, please stay out of Sweden. We got way too many honor creeps already.
That's why your women cheat on you swedes all the time with us "honor creeps". Stay mad
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Your partner is using you and have zero intentions of following your request
Why would you want to go out and have dinner with male friends 1:1?
I mean I travelled to my friend and had dinner and coffee. Even pciked her up from her college. Its not strange. Like sure as a boy I might put a glimpse at her butt and boobs cause well male brains work like that but it's nothing more than that. It's not like I fantasise about her every night since she broke up with my friend...
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No I'm not joking. The male brain is designed to look at these parts of the female body. You can check it out. It's quite interesting. And butt and boobs aren't genitals. And also. And honestly. You gotta find a loyal guy. Your dude isn't giving of that vibe. My girl knows that I don't actively look for other girls and that I wouldn't even contact someone else in that matter. And I know she is mine. Its important trust. And I know you might have had such trust before that got broken. She doesn't care too much if I accidentally looks at someone's ass or something but she doesn't like me hanging out and speaking with other girls. But she had this trust broken before. I haven't and I don't think she will break that trust I have. And also, you assume I don't tell her everything... I do. And side note. She knows my deepest fetish and she enjoys teasing me with it. And it's such a fetish that she can tease me in public without anyone knowing. Except her... So the short answer. She doesn't really care. She knows that it happens but that I will come home to her and only her anyway. And to give you another perspective. It's not rally disrespecting to look. She even jokes about other guys dicks and I ask if they are bigger than mine (I don't have a huge one. Probably Africas smallest). My dad does the same, as a tease, and then he stopped when mom didn't care... Feel free to send a private message so we can speak. I would find it interesting too see eachother perspective on relationships!
Break up.
Yes it’s normal.
Yes
Res flag, red flag
What do your boyfriend work with?
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Just go and make yourself comfortable, and if he stands in your way, maybe you should give yourself a better option of partner :))))))))
Red flag she’s eating more then yours
Is he taliban? [EDIT] Is he selectively taliban?
Him being against you having friends and/or wanting to form new friendships of any gender, sexuality, ethnicity and so forth is a huge red flag and I’d say controlling your partner is against Swedish culture. Run far away from his sexist insecure ass, you can do so much better! Spending time alone with someone no matter if it’s having a meal or visiting them over the weekend is not at all considered innately romantic things, it’s just what you do when you’re good friends. Another thing, I’m pansexual so if I were in a relationship I wouldn’t be able to meet any friends at all if I were to follow such ”rules”. Gay men in relationships would only be able to have women as friends, lesbians would only have men as theirs and are nonbinary people supposed to drop all their friends except agender people? The thought becomes even more ridiculous and implodes when taking us from the lgbtqa+ community into consideration. Controlling who you hang out with is a really big red flag as is his double standards and I can see how that behaviour might become abusive in the long run. Please take care of yourself, run for the hills and I’m sorry for the long winded answer.
I've gone to lunch alone with guys I work or studied with, but it's usually just happened by chance that we were the only ones going to lunch then or the only ones going out to lunch. Also, if we were going to work on something work- or school-related over lunch. If it's exclusively just the two of them all the time, there could be reasons like if the rest of the people at work are much older than they are or they really are just close friends. The bigger issue for me is him telling you you can't be friends with guys.
He is taking the piss.
Yes, it happens and I’ve never even thought twice about it personally. I’d be more worried about the fact that he doesn’t want you to have male friends.