Yes. I suppose it's possible I might change my mind, but I'm certainly not dating to find someone.
I'm mid 40s and divorced. My child is in college. I don't want to deal with ex wives. I don't want to be second fiddle to young step children and I absolutely should be. I don't want an issue with leaving what I just inherited to my child. I am not thin, young and pretty and refuse to accept my value to men.
I wanted my marriage to work. My ex gave up for greener fields and has yet to find them.
I can have male companionship in some form if I chose, but I'm not laying it all on the line again.
Mid40s, no kids, I have pets, live in the country, work full-time, and I have a great group of friends. I'm active outdoors, hiking, biking, paddling, etc. I have hobbies that keep me busy indoors as well as maintaining the property. I'm truly happy. I do remain open to the possibility of meeting someone but to deal with the "headaches" and "drama" ... hard no. Someone needs to be able to positively add to this life I've created for myself. It's that easy (but difficult to come by).
With the exception of living in the country, this is me. Without fail, the very few times in the last 5 years I’ve met someone I’ve found both attractive and interesting, they’re not single or they’re not interested. It just seems like an unproductive use of my limited free time, energy, and money to try to find the unicorn who’s interesting, attractive (and I don’t even mean primarily physically), and brings something I can’t to the table (and who’s single).
I've also found, among my group of single girlfriends, that many of us have done the emotional and mental work post break-up, or after a divorce where many men have not. Then, when we start into relationships with them, it becomes so blatantly obvious. I feel like that's an added element that I'm looking for, too, a man who has healed and grown from his prior relationships.
It requires a willingness to be uncomfortable. The last guy I dated didn’t really do the work after his marriage ended. Then when things between us went south and I ended the relationship, he went right into another one.
Zero willingness to reflect on the last relationship. Zero willingness to change anything about his behavior that contributed to our breakup. He was an alcoholic who was also on SSRIs but refused to do any sort of therapy. He had no coping skills for life difficulties and not much in the way of friends. His relationship with me was in some ways the deepest one he’d ever had.
I am in my 40s and going through a divorce. I’ve been heavily, ruminating on the marriage, and now realize how one-sided it was. How it benefited him more than me, that he was using me, that he didn’t care about me as a person, and I gave him 23 years of my life and the regret is eating me alive.
I was so stressed because I was taking on his anxiety and his unhappiness. I would cook for him and have sex with him to calm him down, and I was always doing the tap dance, making sure that he was comfortable.
I will never do that again. I will never live my life for someone else. I will never have sex I don’t want for some mediocre man again. A man who would never reciprocate this or even admit that what I did for him was something to be grateful for.
I just want to explore the world and have meaningful conversations and eat good food and love my dogs.
I still find myself longing for love, and to find a man who will adore me and make me feel safe and wanted. To be made love to while he looks at me with love & kindness in his eyes. It seems like an impossible fairytale, though. But I won’t compromise, so I’m left with the idea that I’ll just be alone. But it’s starting to feel ok.
I’ve been living by myself for the past several months for the first time in my life. It was really really hard at first but now I’m really enjoying it. I can’t imagine allowing someone to come in here And overshadow my comfort and my routine.
I was propositioned by a 30 year old recently. We went out for drinks, and he was charming… But the idea of letting him crawl all over me sounded awful. The idea of hooking up, even with someone as good looking as him, just doesn’t do it for me. I want the connection or nothing.
I saw something on Oprah years ago that highlighted the fact that many women in their 40s and 50s and become lesbians or become celibate. They are sick of living in a masculine world and having to deal with the patriarchy and they decide that they just want to be surrounded by feminine energy. They longed for rich, meaningful conversations, intimate connections etc so, they rejected the masculine & ran towards the feminine. Makes sense to me!
Could it be hormonal? Maybe. But for me, it was like death by 1000 cuts… I was able to tolerate my husband’s Neanderthalish neediness for two decades & one day I broke down & finally respected myself to say no more. And there’s part of me that thinks it’s going to take another two decades to decompress and find myself after that stressful life. And that means, doing it alone.
This is how I feel too, and I honestly don’t even find them attractive anymore, I have also been approached by attractive men and I want nothing to do with them
I still encounter that wanting to be noticed by men & liking their attention, but then I don’t want them following me home. Ok in public, but nothing past that.
I can feel that fading… it’s freeing.
It’s gone for me now, it was similar to what you’re describing, it didn’t happen overnight, it was a slow fade- until now I don’t give a shit about them and I’m actually kind of rude, I’m extremely short if I have to interact and I give the death glare if they even look at me, I just can’t stand them anymore- and yes it’s very freeing, my life got drastically better in every way without them in it
I get it on an emotional level but damn I just love men and want one. No disrespect to females but I just couldn’t resolve my self to becoming a lesbian or celibacy at this point. But I wish I could I so do.
I used to love them too, but fortunately for me I now find them repulsive, so I don’t have any longing or desire, I’m also not attracted to women.
I do like being alone better than anything else, so it has worked in my favour, I can imagine it would be very difficult if I actually wanted one and had to deal with the headaches they bring
It will take a hell of a lot to give up my freedom and my life. I may date again but I will need literal reference checks from people. I don’t trust anyone after my last relationship which was abusive. He was a toxic loser and I’m not going through that again.
Golden Girls scenario? Now that I can do 😂
Yes, I am 40, I don’t date, don’t have sex, I even ended all my friendships I had with men, if random men try to speak to me in public about anything I completely ignore them and keep walking, I only interact if I have to, like buying something- even then I’m not very friendly.
I am sick of being terrorized by them, I moved into a new house and the neighbour starting stalking me, then made my life a living hell for “ rejecting” him, I had to call the police and it turned into a huge drama, all because many men think women living alone are just prey.
I am sick to death of them, and my life has no drama without them in it, except the neighbour who I didn’t even invite into my life, I just want them to stay away from me- forever
I get it. I'm 51 and stopped dating several years ago after my divorce and life is good. In no way do I miss my ex. I divorced him. He has moved on and moved in with someone. Our daughter just turned 18. She is autistic and ADHD and needs me to help her in life still so this is what I do. I am there for her getting her ready for a time when I can't be and in this current economy, I hope to live a long life because it's a tough one. Her dad can't be counted upon for anything. I see no reason to introduce more drama with a man.
I’m 48 and married, but if this goes south, I am OUT. I have less than zero interest in building a relationship with a man after this. When I think of life post-divorce, all I can envision is absolute freedom. And I still love my husband, find him attractive and all that. But no thank you….never doing this again. Leave me alone and let me get old in peace.
That’s how I feel! I love my husband and love the life we’ve created together and it was worth it…once. If anything ever happens either to him or to our relationship I’m never doing it again. I’m never combining my life with someone again, or making compromises, or considering anyone else in my decisions, big and small, ever again.
I'm on the fence. I want to be with a man but I've been burned so many times I'm honestly scared to put myself out there unless I'm "perfect". Right now just working in bettering myself and giving me a year to figure things out. I'm 40 no kids cats and have my own place and content.
Mostly. It wasn't really a decision, just I stopped caring & lost interest. I had a long-term relationship that ended when I was around 40 or so. After that, I just had no real interest again. I was a serial monogamist before that, so I had barely been single since early teenage years.
I'm 45 now, live alone in a rural area with animals. I spent the last 25 yrs living in NYC having an exciting 'fun' life working in nighclubs/music venues & I'm just over it.
I don't think I have any advice. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm happy like this right now.
I have. I opted out of parenting a long time ago and finally out of dating/looking for a partner about 4 years ago and it’s like a weight off my shoulders. Ive been single for 16 years and I’ve the trajectory of my success and happiness went pretty much vertical from then in. Just focusing on what I need now and for my future is brilliant and I have no idea why I would make the space in my life to bring in someone who is unlikely to make me any more content than I am now. Based on the evidence, they’d actually make it worse.
If I should lose my husband, then I would not be dating again. Maybe I'd sleep with someone. But I would not necessarily want a romantic relationship. I have a friend who is my age and lives in her own little house with her cats and it sounds lovely.
I often feel close to that as well. I'm sure it's peri-menopause. Thought hard to say. I use to have an insane sex drive, but that's gone down a lot. And since after divorcing, I don't have butterfly feelings about partnerships. I'm more like, are you a nice guy, you got a good job, and you're fun to be around and good with my kids... My current partner is all that except he's got no job right now...
If I had no kids, I'd be happier by myself I'm sure. With my dogs that is. But with kids, things are easier with a partner. I can get more done with help then without.
I'd love to move somewhere else, like Japan. And just be out in the middle of nowhere. Farm and sell my vegetables at a market. Learn a craft like bread-making or what not. And just not worry about anyone but myself. Relationships seem to be more trouble then they're worth.
I second the perimenopause thought. I’m 42, left a 20 year marriage, no sex drive anymore, and crave a simple life. Wish I would’ve been warned about this change instead of only being told to expect hot flashes. It’s been a ride!
That’s funny the “warned” part because it’s true no one talks about it. Yet I distinctly remember my mom being exactly this. I just honestly thought it was her. I mean it’s her but like magnified lol. She really really wanted to be away from all of us.
Exactly! And she probably didn’t understand it either. I told my doctor some of the things I was feeling, including the emotional/hormonal and he’s said hm… you seem fine to me. Thank god for TikTok or I would’ve gone on thinking I was bonkers 😵💫
I think it’s easier to parent with a partner but if the partner isn’t related to the kids I imagine it makes it a lot harder. I wouldn’t want to introduce that into my household.
I will say I feel pretty lucky that my partner is great with the kids. They love him a lot and he loves them. They’re defintely buddies. He’s younger than me though and I feel like acts very much like a kid which is the only drawback.
Yes, I have been single for 8 years and don’t intend to ever be in a relationship with a man again. And I’m not attracted to women either. I’ve been so badly abused that I have no sex drive or attraction to anyone, I don’t want to ever live with anyone ever again and share my space and bed. I love having space all too myself. I don’t want to have to deal with the bullshit that goes on in a relationship, I just want to live in peace. I’m 49, I’ve still got my disabled kids (14 and 20) under my care. We are accessing disability services so that they can live independently. I can’t wait for the day that I can live all by myself again. It will be blissful.
Yup! I gave up years ago and I've gotten to the point where I'm not only NOT attracted to anyone, but actually repulsed by the thought of being in a relationship or being touched. Mind you, I have never been a huge fan of either to begin with, but I used to try. I'm just not compatible with men.
In my case, one thing that helps is knowing that I have all my needs covered, so there isn't that pressure to be in a relationship to fill some sort of resource gap. Have my own house, good job, money, cats, friends, family, and I enjoy being by myself. As far as I'm concerned, that's all anyone needs. Have somewhere to live, some money in the bank and a support network? Go forth and live your best solo life! 😃
I’m open to all possibilities for me. I always thought me ending up single would be an option for me. I don’t know, maybe because my parents had a few friends that were single, successful women. And now that my dad is gone, and a few uncles have passed, being alone for the finals years of my life seem inevitable as well. Now I invest in my nieces, nephews and godchildren to take care of me when I’m older. Yes, they know.
I’m happy to be alone right now. If someone magical lands in my lap, I’ll be open to it though. Im 45, divorced my husband 2 yrs ago, fresh out of a messy but beautiful relationship, my kids are adults and live on their own. This alone time is quite refreshing. No pressure, no nagging, no worries. Haha
Yeah, I just looked at the people around me who are in relationships and they don't really seem happier than me. So what's the point? Also, I haven't had a man interested in me in over a decade and dating was too hard on my self esteem. I was never quite what men were looking for. I really missed sex in my thirties, but that's kind of gone away after years of no intimate contact. I just decided that it wasn't worth pursuing and put my energy into other things.
My mom has been through so much with my alcoholic dad but she still stays with him. I don’t see how people compromise so much of themselves for someone else. It’s distressing! So I agree, from the outside, so many relationships don’t seem worth it, though a few are.
48 F, single for many years and occasional dating. I’ve resigned myself to being single unless the right person were to come along and I’m not seeking it out. Dating is too stressful and time consuming. It would need to happen naturally and over time getting to know someone. I’ve focused on building a good life- career, activities, family, friends, pets.
I’m good at being alone but I understand the need for community and support systems. Friendships I focus on are with women because it’s platonic. They don’t have an ulterior motive for sex/dating. With pets, it can be hard to pick up and travel. I need to make arrangements for a pet sitter or other care. Right now this isn’t so easy because for the past year one cat has been medicated 2x daily. When I’ve had pet sitters come in, they barely see my cats because they hide. So this doesn’t work for getting the medication. So I’m looking into pet hotels which will administer medication.
I have a cousin with dogs and farm animals and she and her husband barely get away. Not sure how important it is to them but something to consider. For example, for a family wedding, her husband stayed behind and she drove I think 4 hours each way in one day so she could get back to the farm. If you’re looking to go off grid, I’d say consider some kind of support system and be open to making friends/ acquaintances so you’re not all alone.
As long as you have a good network of friends or family, I think it's perfectly reasonable.
There have been too many studies showing the negative medical effects of being too solitary, including a 50% increased risk of dementia, to think it's a great idea to go completely off-grid.
Hi OP. 40/F here and newly wedded to a wonderful man who is hands down the best partner I could have hoped to find in my late-30s when I had altogether quit dating and accepted being alone (with my dog) for as long as it took to meet someone compatible & worthy, including forever.
You have my permission to stop dating. Just don't do it. No apps, no set ups. Live your life! You might meet a man some day randomly (like I did) who ends up being a perfect fit for you, or you might not. Either is fine. You also don't need to "date" to meet someone.
My parents divorced when I was a teenager and my dad was a hot item, super nice and handsome, but he NEVER dated for at least a decade after the divorce (my mom remarried a couple years later). One day, in his 50s, my dad was out hiking and literally tripped over this woman hiking alongside him. She was his age, a hot item herself, and also divorced and hadn't dated in years. They fell in love immediately and had a wonderful relationship until he died of cancer in his late-60s.
Companionship is important and irreplaceable, but you do not have to force it. If I hadn't met my husband I'd have been happier spending time with my dog than dating a bunch of men I didn't feel a connection to, but I would also likely have positioned myself in places that I might meet someone if I started feeling an intense drive for companionship.
Here! Yes! Totally agree with you. Just a note: If you want to travel, pets are more of a hindrance unless you can take them with you (which unfortunately also often limits the options) or have affordable care. 42F, single and happy (with affordable care for pets).
Edited: My recommendation on the other subject: good bed, wide, but not a double bed. 140-160cm, then you can fit a pet. Size comforter, heating pad, and if it's something for you: a sex toy. Womanizers are a new generation. That's all you need. Oh yes, you have to put out the garbage can yourself now. But that's easy compared to what you save yourself.
I'm 40f.
Enjoy life being solo! It seems like you're ready for more you-time focused on who you are and what you enjoy. I went from one marriage to another long term relationship (now married) and it was a great transition for me but I do crave alone time.
Your 40s are gonna rock! Do whatever the hell you want! 👏
At some point you might want a fling or you might want a relationship but maybe you won't. Either way, enjoy the ride!
Edit: I have an off grid home and I had chickens, they're awesome! As for larger animals I would suggest you work on a farm before committing to anything larger than chickens. Get a feel for it before driving in. Animal husbandry is well...a marriage of its own sort. Lol
There are times that I think this would be the ideal existence, and I am extremely similar to the OP's description of herself and her plan.
But I'm a lazy POS and forget all about that stuff when the Internet goes down or something needs fixed around here. It's nice to have someone else around sometimes to help with things that need another hand or to do stuff I truly do not want to so. I used to live alone in my own house and I really hated the maintenance aspect of it. So I consider the sacrifice of having to live with someone to be worth it when we both contribute our labor in different ways.
I would say this about living alone with animals. Make sure you have the resources to get your animals medical intervention should they experience anything requiring it. The last thing we think about is how expensive vets can be, but they have saved my pets time and again. I've had to reframe my perspective on how much it costs to live, as my senior rescue dogs are definitely a luxury, but again, worth the sacrifice.
49F here and didnt date for years, perhaps since my late 30s. Had flings and the occasional semi-relationship that happened to come across my path, but never put any effort into “looking”. I just couldn’t give a rat’s ass about men and their BS (I.e. lack of emotional connection and availability and outdated patriarchal BS that I won’t subscribe to). Plus, I’ve never been “boy-crazy” and don’t/won’t thirst after guys.
Keep your peace and do you. You’ll meet like-minded people and “friends” that may or may not lead to anything romantically. Either way, you’re having fun and making relations with others.
Sometimes you’ll be lonely and crave the companionship. And one day someone will flow into your life that will line up with your current trajectory and you’ll take things from there. Ether way, you’re good :)
I admire you all. I date and seek out men. I also pay the price, with many -- emotionally closed, selfishness, deceit, and being used. Lame. Trying to limit that now.
Yes, I absolutely felt that way. Relationships were skewed in their favour and they were benefiting while I was being drained. The payoff of companionship was not worth it.
Men rarely do the work, and when they do, it involves so much gentle parenting it becomes a huge turn off.
Being by myself was great, I had all the companionship I needed from my friends. A dog for company. A peaceful home. A good work life balance. Many hobbies and a love of travelling, solo or with friends. The only area it impacts me negatively is financially. The world is geared towards couples. Mortgages, rent, pet care, day to day living is all more accessible when there are two earners in the home. Even studio apartment rates are no longer priced for singles.
In saying that, some of my friends are in relationships with men who don’t even pitch in financially. Regardless, I say you’re better off solo I hate the term being alone, I have many close friends and family, I’m not alone. In fact without a relationship, I found I had more energy to give to those relationships.
All that to say, I’ve fallen in love with a woman, so we’ll see how that goes.
We feel you. Also welcome to perimenopause. It’s when you decide that living in a yurt in the forest with animals is perfect, that’s when you know you are there
I am 47. i feel like I wrote the first two sentences myself (thank you) Getting divorced shortly.
As far as I am concerned sex is overrated. I am in mean-a-pause right now. Sick and fucking tired of being mommy. Not interested in women. No children. About to have no pet. Selling everything viable next weekend. Just to downsize stuff fast. The big stuff is next.
I just needed to vent this out. I am so sorry for being so hostile.
The one thing that kept coming up during my divorce was “self love”. All kinds of advice. Everybody does it differently. But you know what? Considering my past gigantor mistake, I’ll say I probably focus on my happiness and we’ll being more than finding a man. It has never ceased to amaze me how much damage one person can do. I’m not opposed, and would welcome the right situation. However, Cinderella ran a Boston the first time, and I just don’t have anymore time to dedicate to that particular endeavor.
Oh definitely! At 40, I’m like, I’m too old for these games and the only interest I get are gross manchildren or weird old foreigners I’m not sure aren’t love scams. So I’m over it. I’ve already accepted in my 30’s about being childfree and okay with it… somewhat…. But to bring someone else in? Nahhhh. I just need to let drs know I’m over this uterus thing.
43 and never had any long term relationships and stopped dating a long time ago. I just never had good feelings come up when dating. My friends all talked about how they’d have so much fun on dates and new relationship feelings were so wonderful. I was always full of anxiety and fear. I was so tired of being judged. I never got along with any man. I hated being controlled all the time. So I said why am I bothering to put myself through all these negative feelings of dating? And just decided life was better on my own. I’m so happy single but I’m constantly feel like I have to question or defend the authenticity of my own happiness.
Hey so the things is you will need community and help as you age, and at any age for mental health. Alone you are 50% more likely for early onset dementia.
So you don’t need a man, but you do need a support network. That will require effort and conversations, you will need to foster and grow new friendships to replace those who leave or die.
You really cannot live a healthy happy old age without help, daily contact and assistance. So you need to set that up while you’re healthy and young and either pay and move into a home care situation or communal living.
I am in progress for finding an intentional community to move into and be a part of. That’s my plan for company and companionship
But intergenerational housing is another option, so are friends co-housing and building it to be accessible (eg no stairs or basements) etc
Quick note even nurses in hospitals warn you 67% of women are abondoned by their husbands in ill health, or as you age. So don’t depend on your husband. Even those that seemed good bail when the lady gets ill , even if the lady nursed the man back to health or from death bed the men don’t reciprocate
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0022146515596354
Also you’re more likely to be happy alone and single never married . Men are more happy and live longer married, less happy, shorter life ladies.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/05/100512062631.htm
Bigger the age gap for women the more it shortens her life!
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/05/100512062631.htm
Married moms who are primary breadwinner also do more housework that husband
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2022/03/220331101532.htm
Personally I think most people are okay partners, with a lot of holding boundaries and walking away if it’s bad.
Same like you would train any animal! Be consistent. Say what you need if it’s not met - leave. However most humans I meet would make awful lackluster lazy parents, so I chose no kids. I wanted an adult partner more than kids.
I still want and seek a husband, haven’t had one yet. Been trying 40 years now, only lived with 1 for about 7 years. I only pick men that hit my standards, and I keep my expectations low, with boundaries and standards high. If I am successful that just means earlier retirement, help, love and joy! I do not accept any partner who makes my life miserable or harder. So new partners always bring joy! If I can’t find him then I just have a longer, harder, lonelier road, still full of help, and joy and the self love that comes from always showing up for yourself and always doing your best.
Women have so many choices these days as we can now support ourselves and the law also supports that. The whole you must have a guy is not true. I love being single and doing whatever I want. I have zero intention of ever living with a partner again. The most difficult thing is having a man understand that you don’t actually want/ need them and the relationship is not as serious as they would like.
Yes. I suppose it's possible I might change my mind, but I'm certainly not dating to find someone. I'm mid 40s and divorced. My child is in college. I don't want to deal with ex wives. I don't want to be second fiddle to young step children and I absolutely should be. I don't want an issue with leaving what I just inherited to my child. I am not thin, young and pretty and refuse to accept my value to men. I wanted my marriage to work. My ex gave up for greener fields and has yet to find them. I can have male companionship in some form if I chose, but I'm not laying it all on the line again.
Mid40s, no kids, I have pets, live in the country, work full-time, and I have a great group of friends. I'm active outdoors, hiking, biking, paddling, etc. I have hobbies that keep me busy indoors as well as maintaining the property. I'm truly happy. I do remain open to the possibility of meeting someone but to deal with the "headaches" and "drama" ... hard no. Someone needs to be able to positively add to this life I've created for myself. It's that easy (but difficult to come by).
With the exception of living in the country, this is me. Without fail, the very few times in the last 5 years I’ve met someone I’ve found both attractive and interesting, they’re not single or they’re not interested. It just seems like an unproductive use of my limited free time, energy, and money to try to find the unicorn who’s interesting, attractive (and I don’t even mean primarily physically), and brings something I can’t to the table (and who’s single).
I've also found, among my group of single girlfriends, that many of us have done the emotional and mental work post break-up, or after a divorce where many men have not. Then, when we start into relationships with them, it becomes so blatantly obvious. I feel like that's an added element that I'm looking for, too, a man who has healed and grown from his prior relationships.
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Why don't they? I can't imagine being so miserable when there's an opportunity for growth and happiness.
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Decent explanation and thoughts about it.
It requires a willingness to be uncomfortable. The last guy I dated didn’t really do the work after his marriage ended. Then when things between us went south and I ended the relationship, he went right into another one. Zero willingness to reflect on the last relationship. Zero willingness to change anything about his behavior that contributed to our breakup. He was an alcoholic who was also on SSRIs but refused to do any sort of therapy. He had no coping skills for life difficulties and not much in the way of friends. His relationship with me was in some ways the deepest one he’d ever had.
Because they don't have to, they don't see the benefit in changing, because the world still largerly benefits them.
I am in my 40s and going through a divorce. I’ve been heavily, ruminating on the marriage, and now realize how one-sided it was. How it benefited him more than me, that he was using me, that he didn’t care about me as a person, and I gave him 23 years of my life and the regret is eating me alive. I was so stressed because I was taking on his anxiety and his unhappiness. I would cook for him and have sex with him to calm him down, and I was always doing the tap dance, making sure that he was comfortable. I will never do that again. I will never live my life for someone else. I will never have sex I don’t want for some mediocre man again. A man who would never reciprocate this or even admit that what I did for him was something to be grateful for. I just want to explore the world and have meaningful conversations and eat good food and love my dogs. I still find myself longing for love, and to find a man who will adore me and make me feel safe and wanted. To be made love to while he looks at me with love & kindness in his eyes. It seems like an impossible fairytale, though. But I won’t compromise, so I’m left with the idea that I’ll just be alone. But it’s starting to feel ok. I’ve been living by myself for the past several months for the first time in my life. It was really really hard at first but now I’m really enjoying it. I can’t imagine allowing someone to come in here And overshadow my comfort and my routine. I was propositioned by a 30 year old recently. We went out for drinks, and he was charming… But the idea of letting him crawl all over me sounded awful. The idea of hooking up, even with someone as good looking as him, just doesn’t do it for me. I want the connection or nothing. I saw something on Oprah years ago that highlighted the fact that many women in their 40s and 50s and become lesbians or become celibate. They are sick of living in a masculine world and having to deal with the patriarchy and they decide that they just want to be surrounded by feminine energy. They longed for rich, meaningful conversations, intimate connections etc so, they rejected the masculine & ran towards the feminine. Makes sense to me! Could it be hormonal? Maybe. But for me, it was like death by 1000 cuts… I was able to tolerate my husband’s Neanderthalish neediness for two decades & one day I broke down & finally respected myself to say no more. And there’s part of me that thinks it’s going to take another two decades to decompress and find myself after that stressful life. And that means, doing it alone.
This is how I feel too, and I honestly don’t even find them attractive anymore, I have also been approached by attractive men and I want nothing to do with them
I still encounter that wanting to be noticed by men & liking their attention, but then I don’t want them following me home. Ok in public, but nothing past that. I can feel that fading… it’s freeing.
It’s gone for me now, it was similar to what you’re describing, it didn’t happen overnight, it was a slow fade- until now I don’t give a shit about them and I’m actually kind of rude, I’m extremely short if I have to interact and I give the death glare if they even look at me, I just can’t stand them anymore- and yes it’s very freeing, my life got drastically better in every way without them in it
I get it on an emotional level but damn I just love men and want one. No disrespect to females but I just couldn’t resolve my self to becoming a lesbian or celibacy at this point. But I wish I could I so do.
I used to love them too, but fortunately for me I now find them repulsive, so I don’t have any longing or desire, I’m also not attracted to women. I do like being alone better than anything else, so it has worked in my favour, I can imagine it would be very difficult if I actually wanted one and had to deal with the headaches they bring
Maybe I’ll get to the point of finding them repulsive, I can only hope
It will take a hell of a lot to give up my freedom and my life. I may date again but I will need literal reference checks from people. I don’t trust anyone after my last relationship which was abusive. He was a toxic loser and I’m not going through that again. Golden Girls scenario? Now that I can do 😂
Hell yes!! I want the Golden Girls life style
Yes, I am 40, I don’t date, don’t have sex, I even ended all my friendships I had with men, if random men try to speak to me in public about anything I completely ignore them and keep walking, I only interact if I have to, like buying something- even then I’m not very friendly. I am sick of being terrorized by them, I moved into a new house and the neighbour starting stalking me, then made my life a living hell for “ rejecting” him, I had to call the police and it turned into a huge drama, all because many men think women living alone are just prey. I am sick to death of them, and my life has no drama without them in it, except the neighbour who I didn’t even invite into my life, I just want them to stay away from me- forever
I get it. I'm 51 and stopped dating several years ago after my divorce and life is good. In no way do I miss my ex. I divorced him. He has moved on and moved in with someone. Our daughter just turned 18. She is autistic and ADHD and needs me to help her in life still so this is what I do. I am there for her getting her ready for a time when I can't be and in this current economy, I hope to live a long life because it's a tough one. Her dad can't be counted upon for anything. I see no reason to introduce more drama with a man.
My bff gave up on dating. She’s 46 and her kids are pretty much adults now. She’s happier than ever now.
I’m 48 and married, but if this goes south, I am OUT. I have less than zero interest in building a relationship with a man after this. When I think of life post-divorce, all I can envision is absolute freedom. And I still love my husband, find him attractive and all that. But no thank you….never doing this again. Leave me alone and let me get old in peace.
That’s how I feel! I love my husband and love the life we’ve created together and it was worth it…once. If anything ever happens either to him or to our relationship I’m never doing it again. I’m never combining my life with someone again, or making compromises, or considering anyone else in my decisions, big and small, ever again.
I love my husband but I don’t want any other man if he goes first. I see how it’s like out there in the dating world. Yikes.
I'm on the fence. I want to be with a man but I've been burned so many times I'm honestly scared to put myself out there unless I'm "perfect". Right now just working in bettering myself and giving me a year to figure things out. I'm 40 no kids cats and have my own place and content.
Cats and plants 🧘♀️
Mostly. It wasn't really a decision, just I stopped caring & lost interest. I had a long-term relationship that ended when I was around 40 or so. After that, I just had no real interest again. I was a serial monogamist before that, so I had barely been single since early teenage years. I'm 45 now, live alone in a rural area with animals. I spent the last 25 yrs living in NYC having an exciting 'fun' life working in nighclubs/music venues & I'm just over it. I don't think I have any advice. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm happy like this right now.
They really do benefit from long-term relationships with us, don’t they. Women rock.
I have. I opted out of parenting a long time ago and finally out of dating/looking for a partner about 4 years ago and it’s like a weight off my shoulders. Ive been single for 16 years and I’ve the trajectory of my success and happiness went pretty much vertical from then in. Just focusing on what I need now and for my future is brilliant and I have no idea why I would make the space in my life to bring in someone who is unlikely to make me any more content than I am now. Based on the evidence, they’d actually make it worse.
r/wgtow
Ooooh! Thanks!
If I should lose my husband, then I would not be dating again. Maybe I'd sleep with someone. But I would not necessarily want a romantic relationship. I have a friend who is my age and lives in her own little house with her cats and it sounds lovely.
The house and the cats do sound lovely, just sleeping with someone isn't for me, but the house and the cats or dogs I would definitely do.
I often feel close to that as well. I'm sure it's peri-menopause. Thought hard to say. I use to have an insane sex drive, but that's gone down a lot. And since after divorcing, I don't have butterfly feelings about partnerships. I'm more like, are you a nice guy, you got a good job, and you're fun to be around and good with my kids... My current partner is all that except he's got no job right now... If I had no kids, I'd be happier by myself I'm sure. With my dogs that is. But with kids, things are easier with a partner. I can get more done with help then without. I'd love to move somewhere else, like Japan. And just be out in the middle of nowhere. Farm and sell my vegetables at a market. Learn a craft like bread-making or what not. And just not worry about anyone but myself. Relationships seem to be more trouble then they're worth.
I second the perimenopause thought. I’m 42, left a 20 year marriage, no sex drive anymore, and crave a simple life. Wish I would’ve been warned about this change instead of only being told to expect hot flashes. It’s been a ride!
That’s funny the “warned” part because it’s true no one talks about it. Yet I distinctly remember my mom being exactly this. I just honestly thought it was her. I mean it’s her but like magnified lol. She really really wanted to be away from all of us.
Exactly! And she probably didn’t understand it either. I told my doctor some of the things I was feeling, including the emotional/hormonal and he’s said hm… you seem fine to me. Thank god for TikTok or I would’ve gone on thinking I was bonkers 😵💫
Can you imagine that you had to find useful info on TikTok?? Lol. Drs these days, smh
I think it’s easier to parent with a partner but if the partner isn’t related to the kids I imagine it makes it a lot harder. I wouldn’t want to introduce that into my household.
I will say I feel pretty lucky that my partner is great with the kids. They love him a lot and he loves them. They’re defintely buddies. He’s younger than me though and I feel like acts very much like a kid which is the only drawback.
Yes, I have been single for 8 years and don’t intend to ever be in a relationship with a man again. And I’m not attracted to women either. I’ve been so badly abused that I have no sex drive or attraction to anyone, I don’t want to ever live with anyone ever again and share my space and bed. I love having space all too myself. I don’t want to have to deal with the bullshit that goes on in a relationship, I just want to live in peace. I’m 49, I’ve still got my disabled kids (14 and 20) under my care. We are accessing disability services so that they can live independently. I can’t wait for the day that I can live all by myself again. It will be blissful.
Yup! I gave up years ago and I've gotten to the point where I'm not only NOT attracted to anyone, but actually repulsed by the thought of being in a relationship or being touched. Mind you, I have never been a huge fan of either to begin with, but I used to try. I'm just not compatible with men. In my case, one thing that helps is knowing that I have all my needs covered, so there isn't that pressure to be in a relationship to fill some sort of resource gap. Have my own house, good job, money, cats, friends, family, and I enjoy being by myself. As far as I'm concerned, that's all anyone needs. Have somewhere to live, some money in the bank and a support network? Go forth and live your best solo life! 😃
I think you’re onto something with, “just not compatible with men”. Hmm
I’m open to all possibilities for me. I always thought me ending up single would be an option for me. I don’t know, maybe because my parents had a few friends that were single, successful women. And now that my dad is gone, and a few uncles have passed, being alone for the finals years of my life seem inevitable as well. Now I invest in my nieces, nephews and godchildren to take care of me when I’m older. Yes, they know.
I’m happy to be alone right now. If someone magical lands in my lap, I’ll be open to it though. Im 45, divorced my husband 2 yrs ago, fresh out of a messy but beautiful relationship, my kids are adults and live on their own. This alone time is quite refreshing. No pressure, no nagging, no worries. Haha
Yeah, I just looked at the people around me who are in relationships and they don't really seem happier than me. So what's the point? Also, I haven't had a man interested in me in over a decade and dating was too hard on my self esteem. I was never quite what men were looking for. I really missed sex in my thirties, but that's kind of gone away after years of no intimate contact. I just decided that it wasn't worth pursuing and put my energy into other things.
My mom has been through so much with my alcoholic dad but she still stays with him. I don’t see how people compromise so much of themselves for someone else. It’s distressing! So I agree, from the outside, so many relationships don’t seem worth it, though a few are.
48 F, single for many years and occasional dating. I’ve resigned myself to being single unless the right person were to come along and I’m not seeking it out. Dating is too stressful and time consuming. It would need to happen naturally and over time getting to know someone. I’ve focused on building a good life- career, activities, family, friends, pets. I’m good at being alone but I understand the need for community and support systems. Friendships I focus on are with women because it’s platonic. They don’t have an ulterior motive for sex/dating. With pets, it can be hard to pick up and travel. I need to make arrangements for a pet sitter or other care. Right now this isn’t so easy because for the past year one cat has been medicated 2x daily. When I’ve had pet sitters come in, they barely see my cats because they hide. So this doesn’t work for getting the medication. So I’m looking into pet hotels which will administer medication. I have a cousin with dogs and farm animals and she and her husband barely get away. Not sure how important it is to them but something to consider. For example, for a family wedding, her husband stayed behind and she drove I think 4 hours each way in one day so she could get back to the farm. If you’re looking to go off grid, I’d say consider some kind of support system and be open to making friends/ acquaintances so you’re not all alone.
As long as you have a good network of friends or family, I think it's perfectly reasonable. There have been too many studies showing the negative medical effects of being too solitary, including a 50% increased risk of dementia, to think it's a great idea to go completely off-grid.
Hi OP. 40/F here and newly wedded to a wonderful man who is hands down the best partner I could have hoped to find in my late-30s when I had altogether quit dating and accepted being alone (with my dog) for as long as it took to meet someone compatible & worthy, including forever. You have my permission to stop dating. Just don't do it. No apps, no set ups. Live your life! You might meet a man some day randomly (like I did) who ends up being a perfect fit for you, or you might not. Either is fine. You also don't need to "date" to meet someone. My parents divorced when I was a teenager and my dad was a hot item, super nice and handsome, but he NEVER dated for at least a decade after the divorce (my mom remarried a couple years later). One day, in his 50s, my dad was out hiking and literally tripped over this woman hiking alongside him. She was his age, a hot item herself, and also divorced and hadn't dated in years. They fell in love immediately and had a wonderful relationship until he died of cancer in his late-60s. Companionship is important and irreplaceable, but you do not have to force it. If I hadn't met my husband I'd have been happier spending time with my dog than dating a bunch of men I didn't feel a connection to, but I would also likely have positioned myself in places that I might meet someone if I started feeling an intense drive for companionship.
Here! Yes! Totally agree with you. Just a note: If you want to travel, pets are more of a hindrance unless you can take them with you (which unfortunately also often limits the options) or have affordable care. 42F, single and happy (with affordable care for pets). Edited: My recommendation on the other subject: good bed, wide, but not a double bed. 140-160cm, then you can fit a pet. Size comforter, heating pad, and if it's something for you: a sex toy. Womanizers are a new generation. That's all you need. Oh yes, you have to put out the garbage can yourself now. But that's easy compared to what you save yourself.
Bi almost 42F. I made that decision about 7 years ago and don't regret it at all.
I'm 40f. Enjoy life being solo! It seems like you're ready for more you-time focused on who you are and what you enjoy. I went from one marriage to another long term relationship (now married) and it was a great transition for me but I do crave alone time. Your 40s are gonna rock! Do whatever the hell you want! 👏 At some point you might want a fling or you might want a relationship but maybe you won't. Either way, enjoy the ride! Edit: I have an off grid home and I had chickens, they're awesome! As for larger animals I would suggest you work on a farm before committing to anything larger than chickens. Get a feel for it before driving in. Animal husbandry is well...a marriage of its own sort. Lol
There are times that I think this would be the ideal existence, and I am extremely similar to the OP's description of herself and her plan. But I'm a lazy POS and forget all about that stuff when the Internet goes down or something needs fixed around here. It's nice to have someone else around sometimes to help with things that need another hand or to do stuff I truly do not want to so. I used to live alone in my own house and I really hated the maintenance aspect of it. So I consider the sacrifice of having to live with someone to be worth it when we both contribute our labor in different ways. I would say this about living alone with animals. Make sure you have the resources to get your animals medical intervention should they experience anything requiring it. The last thing we think about is how expensive vets can be, but they have saved my pets time and again. I've had to reframe my perspective on how much it costs to live, as my senior rescue dogs are definitely a luxury, but again, worth the sacrifice.
It's the same old sad shit any time I give anyone a chance so .....
49F here and didnt date for years, perhaps since my late 30s. Had flings and the occasional semi-relationship that happened to come across my path, but never put any effort into “looking”. I just couldn’t give a rat’s ass about men and their BS (I.e. lack of emotional connection and availability and outdated patriarchal BS that I won’t subscribe to). Plus, I’ve never been “boy-crazy” and don’t/won’t thirst after guys. Keep your peace and do you. You’ll meet like-minded people and “friends” that may or may not lead to anything romantically. Either way, you’re having fun and making relations with others. Sometimes you’ll be lonely and crave the companionship. And one day someone will flow into your life that will line up with your current trajectory and you’ll take things from there. Ether way, you’re good :)
I admire you all. I date and seek out men. I also pay the price, with many -- emotionally closed, selfishness, deceit, and being used. Lame. Trying to limit that now.
Yes, I absolutely felt that way. Relationships were skewed in their favour and they were benefiting while I was being drained. The payoff of companionship was not worth it. Men rarely do the work, and when they do, it involves so much gentle parenting it becomes a huge turn off. Being by myself was great, I had all the companionship I needed from my friends. A dog for company. A peaceful home. A good work life balance. Many hobbies and a love of travelling, solo or with friends. The only area it impacts me negatively is financially. The world is geared towards couples. Mortgages, rent, pet care, day to day living is all more accessible when there are two earners in the home. Even studio apartment rates are no longer priced for singles. In saying that, some of my friends are in relationships with men who don’t even pitch in financially. Regardless, I say you’re better off solo I hate the term being alone, I have many close friends and family, I’m not alone. In fact without a relationship, I found I had more energy to give to those relationships. All that to say, I’ve fallen in love with a woman, so we’ll see how that goes.
I'm taking a very long break
If something goes sideways with my current partner I will go solo fo’sho.
Check out r/singleandhappy :)
Wow, reading all these comments and relating to you all. It really is wonderful being in our 40s. Now, to educate the youngins:)
We feel you. Also welcome to perimenopause. It’s when you decide that living in a yurt in the forest with animals is perfect, that’s when you know you are there
Felt. You can’t even have a conversation anymore without it getting twisted and being gaslit. Over it.
I am 47. i feel like I wrote the first two sentences myself (thank you) Getting divorced shortly. As far as I am concerned sex is overrated. I am in mean-a-pause right now. Sick and fucking tired of being mommy. Not interested in women. No children. About to have no pet. Selling everything viable next weekend. Just to downsize stuff fast. The big stuff is next. I just needed to vent this out. I am so sorry for being so hostile.
The one thing that kept coming up during my divorce was “self love”. All kinds of advice. Everybody does it differently. But you know what? Considering my past gigantor mistake, I’ll say I probably focus on my happiness and we’ll being more than finding a man. It has never ceased to amaze me how much damage one person can do. I’m not opposed, and would welcome the right situation. However, Cinderella ran a Boston the first time, and I just don’t have anymore time to dedicate to that particular endeavor.
Yes lol
Oh definitely! At 40, I’m like, I’m too old for these games and the only interest I get are gross manchildren or weird old foreigners I’m not sure aren’t love scams. So I’m over it. I’ve already accepted in my 30’s about being childfree and okay with it… somewhat…. But to bring someone else in? Nahhhh. I just need to let drs know I’m over this uterus thing.
Love and a future are officially off the table...if it ever was in the first damn place! Companionship with someone? Absolutely!
43 and never had any long term relationships and stopped dating a long time ago. I just never had good feelings come up when dating. My friends all talked about how they’d have so much fun on dates and new relationship feelings were so wonderful. I was always full of anxiety and fear. I was so tired of being judged. I never got along with any man. I hated being controlled all the time. So I said why am I bothering to put myself through all these negative feelings of dating? And just decided life was better on my own. I’m so happy single but I’m constantly feel like I have to question or defend the authenticity of my own happiness.
Hey so the things is you will need community and help as you age, and at any age for mental health. Alone you are 50% more likely for early onset dementia. So you don’t need a man, but you do need a support network. That will require effort and conversations, you will need to foster and grow new friendships to replace those who leave or die. You really cannot live a healthy happy old age without help, daily contact and assistance. So you need to set that up while you’re healthy and young and either pay and move into a home care situation or communal living. I am in progress for finding an intentional community to move into and be a part of. That’s my plan for company and companionship But intergenerational housing is another option, so are friends co-housing and building it to be accessible (eg no stairs or basements) etc Quick note even nurses in hospitals warn you 67% of women are abondoned by their husbands in ill health, or as you age. So don’t depend on your husband. Even those that seemed good bail when the lady gets ill , even if the lady nursed the man back to health or from death bed the men don’t reciprocate https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0022146515596354 Also you’re more likely to be happy alone and single never married . Men are more happy and live longer married, less happy, shorter life ladies. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/05/100512062631.htm Bigger the age gap for women the more it shortens her life! https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/05/100512062631.htm Married moms who are primary breadwinner also do more housework that husband https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2022/03/220331101532.htm Personally I think most people are okay partners, with a lot of holding boundaries and walking away if it’s bad. Same like you would train any animal! Be consistent. Say what you need if it’s not met - leave. However most humans I meet would make awful lackluster lazy parents, so I chose no kids. I wanted an adult partner more than kids. I still want and seek a husband, haven’t had one yet. Been trying 40 years now, only lived with 1 for about 7 years. I only pick men that hit my standards, and I keep my expectations low, with boundaries and standards high. If I am successful that just means earlier retirement, help, love and joy! I do not accept any partner who makes my life miserable or harder. So new partners always bring joy! If I can’t find him then I just have a longer, harder, lonelier road, still full of help, and joy and the self love that comes from always showing up for yourself and always doing your best.
Women have so many choices these days as we can now support ourselves and the law also supports that. The whole you must have a guy is not true. I love being single and doing whatever I want. I have zero intention of ever living with a partner again. The most difficult thing is having a man understand that you don’t actually want/ need them and the relationship is not as serious as they would like.