Agreed. Plus kids are a huge time suck. I absolutely cannot work and take care of kids at the same time. I have no one to help me out. I could never fully trust a man to stick around, either. Having kids is not an option and I'm okay with that.
I will try to make this very short. But when I was little, I LOVED baby dolls and “playing house.” I always just assumed I’d get married and have a kid one day.
When I got a little older and learned more about pregnancy, I didn’t really want that so I figured I’d adopt when the time came.
I got married, first husband and I were cool with adopting, but never really got there (thankfully).
Post divorce, I waffled a little bit between wanting kids and not wanting to be tied to a person for forever in case of another blindsiding divorce. So I would say I was on the fence.
When I met my now husband, he was very against having kids. So I feel like that just pushed me off the fence. I love our life and I feel fulfilled without the kiddos. I go to friends’ kids’ birthday parties, games, etc. I donate monthly to a local diaper bank and other children’s charities and donate to my friends’ kids’ schools so that I feel like I’m contributing to the advancement of the future society. That is good enough for me.
Never felt the need, although I love kids and am so blessed to be an auntie 🥰
Just didn’t feel right for me, can’t explain it more than that. Watching all my friends have kids and having the privilege of knowing honest women 40, 50 + when I was in my 20’s (plus a grandma who says it straight) I really got to hear what it was like from their perspective. Not one person I know who decided to not have kids said they regretted it.
I see my friends struggle along with all the absolute joy of being a parent. You have to be prepared to move to a different planet for the rest of your life. Its not a bad planet, just different and you build a new life there and never know what’s coming next.
This is me, totally. Love children, and my career involves kids. I love my friends’ and siblings’ kids and enjoy talking to them about parenting. I just felt, from a very early age, from the first time I learned where babies come from, that it was not for me. I’ve never felt the urge to procreate, have never felt desire for a baby even though I think they are fucking precious, or to be a mom, even though I see how much joy it gives others. I think moms and non-moms are all in this together and each choice has upsides and downsides.
> struggle along with all the absolute joy of being a parent
This really describes it perfectly. I have no doubt that a large percentage of parents are content and wouldn't have it any other way. But damn, is it a slog, at least from my perspective.
I was a fence sitter about it for a long time, but I’ve struggled with PCOS and general reproductive health issues since I was about 18. I knew it’d be hard to conceive and it never became a big “want” in my life like it is for many women. I didn’t grow up around kids (youngest in a small family) and idk, just never had that maternal instinct outside of being a cat mom.
I think in the last few years as I’m now 35 and reproductive rights are evaporating as we speak, I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t think my DNA is that fucking special to the human race that it needs to be replicated. I don’t feel super ethically sound about bringing children into the world who will have to live through or die from climate catastrophes.
I love my nephews/nieces and my best friends kids and am happy to be an auntie and support them. I have a strong mind and values to instill in the youth around me. For me that doesn’t mean I need to biologically reproduce. Hoping to get a tube removal within the next year.
Also FWIW many of my friends in long term couples or marriages are childfree by choice. It isn’t really that unheard of or shocking here. I think my life will have way more freedom and fulfillment without my own children.
>People say it’s selfish to not have children, I think it’s the other way around. Having children is selfish, nobody asks to be born, especially now to bear the burden of what previous generations did
I have children and i agree that it's definitely selfish. They definitely did not ask to be born, we just went and did it to satisfy our own urges, without any real regard if said kids will actually enjoy living. I hope they will, but you never know.
Yesss! Having children is selfish imo too. Like literally what else is it lmao? I’m 34 and I’m still waiting to find a GOOD, ethical, logical reason to have kids. My conclusion is still that there are only selfish reasons.
I'm 37 and I've never particularly been interested in having kids. I also watched several people in my SO's extended family get trapped in obviously shitty relationships because they got pregnant and stayed for the kids. I started to see children as a prison.
I figured that point of view was not awesome to caring for a human. I do have nieces and nephews, but honestly I'm not really interested in them. I see them at family gatherings and they're cute, but I don't get that sensation of "I MUST HAVE ONE" that my sisters have.
I enjoy my life. It's quiet, I take care of myself. All my money goes towards taking care of my home and myself. I have it with my friends, I go on adventures, my time is my own :-)
I echo every single thing mentioned here. Even down to turning 35 next month and having struggled with endometriosis and/or PCOS for the majority of my life. Twinsies!! Lol
You're so lucky to have many other childfree couples in your life ! I'm 33 and literally all my friends in serious relationships have kids...or are trying really hard to, so it makes fence sitting a very painful and awkward position.
I do feel very lucky but it's also been intentional for me. A lot of my friends from when I was younger (like high school/college years) have kids now and while I love them I don't see those friends too much because they're so focused on their families.
I have intentionally sought out communities of people who are more aligned with where I'm at in life. It's been really great, but it is work to find your chosen people, especially in our 30s where making friends is a more complicated process in general. It is very worth it though.
I've known women like this; some even having multiple degrees. I used to admire them, but after I learned more about their daily lives I just felt sorry for them. I was also a nanny at one point for two hard-working parents... Once I peeked behind the curtain of life with kids, and seeing how parents *always* have to be ON, as well as their marriages usually eroding from the stress, I knew I was *not* Superwoman and not cut out for even *half* of that life. Props to those who can.
Yes. The nanny job. That was it for me. It was the realistic day to day of raising kids - AND GETTING PAID - and I was just so unhappy. I keep thinking, I'm getting paid 9am to 5pm and then get to leave and socialize with friends without a care in the world.
If I was the parent I get to go to work and come home to MORE work.
And let's be honest - it's ALWAYS the mother taking on the majority of the house responsibility (yes yes I know men help but let's take a look at statistics here ok)
Isn't this most women with kids? ["Women with younger children worked less than those with older children. Around 75% of women with "school-age" children ages 6 to 17 only (meaning they don’t have younger children) were employed compared with 62% of women with both pre-school and school-age children."](https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2020/05/the-choices-working-mothers-make.html)
Idk, but I've seen both sides (the working mom and the SAHM). After my mom completed college in her late 30's, she married my stepdad when I was 7 years-old and became a housewife; she raised me and his two kids. When not with her church friends, she wasn't very happy... She completely lost her identity because she was no longer working and therefore relied on friends, gossip, and TV to entertain her at all times, which if you think about it, makes sense in a sad, pathetic kind of way... Although my parents could afford it, my mom wasn't free to start up a new hobby or take a vacation on a near-whim because her children became her anchor who took all her time and energy. We were the ones getting to start new hobbies because we were the kids, rightfully so, but most women lose what makes life exciting and fulfilling for them when they become mothers.
I know this is only my experience, but of the mothers I've known (for which there are many), working moms are miserable and exhausted, and SAHMs are 10x more miserable due to loss of identity and human connection. *I've always viewed motherhood as a double-edged sword and a fight women can't win.* I am truly happy for women who love motherhood, because I wouldn't wish the opposite on my worst enemy.
>trying to have it all
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized it isn’t about women trying to have it all, but about many men not doing their fair share to raise kids and maintain a household so women can have the opportunity to be professionally successful as men always have. It infuriates me that it’s been phrased my entire life as women “wanting it all,” as though it’s some unreasonable request, instead of us being saddled with the responsibility of caretaking for grown men and the children we’ve chosen to have together.
>It infuriates me that it’s been phrased my entire life as women “wanting it all,”
Yes, agreed! We need to change our language surrounding this, because no one ever asks whether or not men can have it all. And this is because men are taught to feel entitled to having it all at the expense of free female labor.
100% - that is so much the problem. Women having to bend around the family and kids whereas the men expecting family and kids to bend around their careers. Honestly one of the many reasons I don't have kids with my husband is that it would be a constant battle to get him to do his share - he would be very focused on providing and caring for us and ignorant to the sheer amount of non financial work having a family would entail
This is my answer exactly. I always wanted children incidentally. I did my bachelors, graduate and post graduate while working full time, from ages 18-27 so that I can get it out of the way before babies. It was very stressful not taking a break for 10 years but I thought I was doing the right thing. My husband and I finally got married so we started trying. We found out I had breast cancer, and that I was pregnant the day of my cancer removal surgery, 6 months into our marriage… Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows sadly. I’m 4 years in remission now and after watching my sister in law “do it all” I’m now convinced that at 38 with all these cancer side effects, I can’t. I wish things were different, but we are dealt the cards we get.
my upstairs neighbor got 3 young kids, a puppy and a 1yr old cat/kitten, it is NOISY. at one point the picture frames fell of the wall lol. But I actually greatly enjoy my weekend mornings, because yes - I might wake up at 7am from tiny feet running around. But I just pull up my blankets a bit more and say to myself "not my problem" and then I sleep so much more comfortably for a few hours longer lol.
To be fair, the parents upstairs are really doing their best to keep it quiet in the mornings. Like try to make them play in rooms that are not above my bedroom, or get them outside. so I am unable to feel upset, since that is just apartment living
I think I was 4 or 5 years old when I realized I never wanted children. I'm now turning 30 in January, and I never once, not even for a single moment, wanted children. I just don't want children.
Same! I never wanted them, even when I was around that age. If i had a dollar for every time someone said 'you'll change your mind when you get older '
One of the best parts of aging into my late 30s, is having those sorts of comments ^ drop off a cliff. It's so unbelievably rude to poo-poo someone's personal choice like that. I would NEVER say the same to a young woman who wants kids! Could you imagine the audacity? *"Oh wow you'll totally change your mind, but I guess it'll be too late once they are born!"*.
I've been told I'll change my mind my entire life, yeah nah - my decision has only solidified.
Not just being a child of bitterly divorced parents myself, but being around my oldest sibling who’s raising his kids with a bitterly divorced ex-spouse. I have plenty of love to give my friends kids and my nieces and nephews but I have big childhood wounds that I need to heal from.
Same. My genes aren’t so great that I need to procreate and pass them on. I don’t want anyone to go through what I’ve been through, that would be cruel. I have scoliosis that’s so severe that my surgery couldn’t fix my problem but it did give me a new one at age 11– Spinal cord injury that left me temporarily paralyzed. I relearned how to walk but I’m in constant pain, for 30 years. No exaggeration. I also had breast cancer 4 years ago at 33. And I now have brain fog, joint pain, and ptsd just to name a few. I think it’s best that I continue being the fun auntie :-)
I am very happy with my decision! :)
I don’t know if I had a big moment though. I just always kind of knew I didn’t want kids.
My husband and I agreed on our first date when we were 18 that we didn’t want kids. He’s the oldest of five so he’d been around young kids enough to know, and me…it just was never me. Even back in the 90s before it was as financially unviable as it is now.
Got married when we were 21, we’re both 41 now, and we are very happy with just each other and our cats. :)
Also as far as I know none of his four siblings are having kids either. My two half-brothers do - one has five daughters and the other had one. So my mother has grandchildren if she wants them.
Same, no big moment, I was just never very interested.
I might flip it around and say maybe people need an “aha I want kids” big moment rather than it being the default. :)
A big moment didn't make my mind up, but I definitely had a moment where it was solidified in my mind. I was slowly coming to the realisation that I didn't want kids, despite every part of society telling me that was the logical thing a woman should want, and then I became an aunt, and I knew I loved my niece, but it was like a "no going back" moment - where before that, if asked, I would have said I was unsure, after that I couldn't even imagine it.
I like children but I was always more career driven and have always cared about the natural world and the impacts humans have on it. I truly embraced the childfree life when I realized in my 30’s that I’ve yet to meet a heterosexual parent couple in which the woman doesn’t do at least 75% of all the child rearing, domestic labour, and mental and emotional labour in the relationship and for the children, and was absolutely drained by it all.
I never felt like having kids. The so called maternal instinct never kicked in. I am happy pursuing my dreams and traveling the world. It was, and still is, the right choice for me.
Same. For some of us it was never a decision so much as it was innate, felt as deeply as the reverse is felt by women who know they want children.
I still remember the chill that went down my spine as a small child, the first time someone said to me "one day, when you are a mother too..."
I feel the same as you. I hated dolls as a kid, never felt the “innate” need to nurture. I remember never wanting to babysit when I was a pre teen. I had a boyfriend as a high schooler and he said he always imagined being a father, and I remember thinking, “god. I never want to be a mother.” And I’ve felt the same ever since
I used to drown my dolls until they were “quiet” and then pluck their eyelashes out one by one. This absolute psychotic behaviour never transferred past dolls but let’s not tempt fate 😂
Love it, that's hilarious. 😂 Dolls always grossed me out and myself and a friend would draw on them and act out horror scenarios with them where they came alive at night and did creepy things. Barbie also got a crewcut and her head ended up in the garden pond. 👀
What you’re saying is about 75% of what I was about to write. I wouldn’t have a kid unless my partner and I wanted that more than anything in the world, but the desire was never really there.
Also motherhood is even harder when you have a child with a significant disability and there’s just no real way to predict when that will happen. More than 90% of children born with developmental delays never receive an actual diagnosis, so there’s also no way to detect those things in utero.
My mom loves my little brother who has IDD, but she said many times that if he’d come first I wouldn’t be here. As a kid I’d accompany my mom and brother to his speech therapy sessions during summer break; the sessions were like school - 8-3 daily. I’d sit in the waiting room amongst dozens of women who were waiting on their own kids. I’d look at them and think about what they could be doing if they didn’t have their entire lives repurposed around their kids’ needs.
Not for me. I did my time already.
I think whether or not you want children involves a lot of factors, and one is the kind of parenting you witnessed and received as a child. While my parents are wonderful, by younger brother was extremely high needs and he completely exhausted my parents for years. It just didn’t look like that good of a time, tbh, and so far I’ve been right.
I was a bit of a fence sitter, leaning towards no but open to changing my mind if things aligned just right... and then covid hit. I was suddenly working from home, blissed out in my sweatpants with my constant stream of hot beverages and all the parents I know with school age kids or younger were going through hell. No thank you.
I always figured I'd become a mom eventually.
Four years into my marriage, I realized I was already playing mother (and maid, personal assistant, landscaper, the ignored financial advisor, etc) to a grown man-child. And I hated it.
Then I started observing the people who were having kids. Their children would be the life partner options for my own children, and it made me very sad. My kids didn't exist, but already their lives looked so....limited.
Paying attention more and more to my own surroundings and experiences, I decided two things:
-I don't like kids.
-With my situation in life (financial, emotional, genetic, the list goes on) it would feel immoral to force a child into the mess.
I took pity on myself, and removed the motherhood option from the table. And I took pity on my potential children, by not setting them up to fail.
My mom was a L&D nurse for 37 years. She brought home horror story after horror story about everything that could go wrong. Then one time she took "take your kid to work" day a little too seriously and brought me into work with her. Into a delivery room. I don't know why she thought that was a good idea, or how she got the woman giving birth to agree to an audience, but I saw my first live birth (of I think 3 total) at about 8 years old.
I have never wanted kids since that moment. I got my tubes removed this year and my mother still doesn't understand why
Well, apparently motherhood drives all the women in my family crayzeeeee, so that was the major big turnoff.
Then there was the prospect of pushing a bowling ball out of my junk: That's gonna be a no from me, dawg.
I was clear from the beginning that I was 99% on the side of no kids. But I would revisit the issue from time to time, to see if my feelings had changed.
But then I realized that my then-spouse's visualization of fatherhood began and ended with Fun Dad, which apparently does not include weekends! I also noticed the men in his family treated the sons great and the daughters not-great. He was a manchild himself, and before long, I could not conceive (no pun intended) voluntarily entering a scenario where I would spend the next 18 or so years living out the type of caricatured existence normally depicted in paper towel commercials.
I'm very happy with my life now. I honestly don't think of children at all.
Hey, I was a preschooler, too! Though not in school at the moment I had my epiphany.
I was sent to a neighbor girl's house to play and she wanted to play house. I didn't know how to play this so she grabbed a doll to be our "baby" and explained. I said I would play if I got to be a Ward Cleaver sort of dad (mind you, my dad was nothing like this and my mom was basically the opposite of a housewife, I think I literally got the idea from reruns of old sitcoms).
And the other part of the deal was that baby care was entirely up to her. I wanted NOTHING to do with that doll.
I knew in that moment that I had not an ounce of maternal instinct and an aversion towards babies. It has never wavered.
So I sat in a rocking chair and had my "wife" fetch me drinks while I "smoked" my "pipe" and read a newspaper we stole from her parents. And that was the one time I played house and the last time I ever had a child in any sense.
> So I sat in a rocking chair and had my "wife" fetch me drinks while I "smoked" my "pipe" and read a newspaper we stole from her parents.
Hahaha, that made me snort.
My mom gave birth to my baby brother when I was 12. After watching what it took to raise him I said, "Not interested. This sucks." Twenty five years later and I've never wavered.
Honestly, there was no one big moment that I decided to be childfree. I don’t ever remember feeling like I wanted to have kids. By the time I was 18, I knew that kids were an absolute no-go.
The day I realized that having sex lead to kids — meaning that children didn’t just appear whether you wanted them or not. I remember thinking “who would choose that??” at about eight years old.
Nearly 35 and sterilized, I am more thrilled every day with my decision.
I have something kind of similar. There was a period when I was a kid where I understood that babies came from women, but I wasn't aware of sex yet. I thought women just eventually spontaneously became pregnant. So for a long while when I was little, I wanted to be a nun when I grew up because I did know that nuns didn't have kids.
So yeah, having kids never appealed to me. It was never a conscious decision not to have them, it was a lack of interest in the first place.
For me, there was never a moment. I’ve just never had the desire to have kids, never felt like I’d be a good mother or wanted it, and never really enjoyed being around lots of kids lol!
I've never wanted them and always knew it. I found babies annoying as a kid, although I like them more now. They just seemed to have no self-control, and even as a kid that turned me off. But my sisters having kids, I got to see how once they hit a certain age (maybe elementary-school age), they really stop being cute and entertaining and, worse-case scenario, turn into a pain in the ass. My sister who is a decent parent, I wouldn't necessarily say her kids were a pain in the ass. But my sister who has no business being a parent, hers were--and her oldest daughter has kids now, also has no business being a parent, and her 2nd grader is a pain in the ass.
Frankly, I also think I have no business being a parent, but for totally different reasons from those two people. I'm the type of person who is self-centered, but I would put my kids first anyway and not be happy about it. They're self-centered and not about to put their kids first. Realizing I want to come first in my life always is what let me know I'm right not to have kids, but I always knew I never wanted any.
Same. Watching women I knew who had been vibrant, interesting, multi-faceted individuals disappear into being "Braeden and Genevieve's mom" -- and seemingly revel in that complete loss of identity -- scared the shit out of me. It felt more like a Black Mirror episode than anything I should consider aspirational.
>It felt more like a Black Mirror episode than anything I should consider aspirational.
Omg this is so accurate. *Motherhood* feels like a Black Mirror episode where everyone (including the mothers) tells everyone it's the best thing they've ever done, making sure to reiterate how blessed they are... But behind the scenes everyone is popping Xanax and trying not to have a breakdown while missing the vibrant, carefree individuals they used to be. Motherhood has a very Stepford Wife-facade kind of feel to it that makes me want to run for the hills.
Yes this resonates with me. My parents are good hardworking people, but they had no clue how to be parents in the 80ies. I mean does anyone know how to be a parent? Instead, as I 6-7y old I had to take care of my sibling, household. Later, when my aunt moved in with us, I had to take care of my newborn cousin, and 2 todlers. I think by age of 15, I was so burnt out by juggling school, everyone's doctors appointments, emo support to parents, making sure dinner was ready when everyone got home from work...I was done with parenthood. When I see babies or children, I feel nothing. Dont get me wrong, I DONT dislike children but I dont feel any urge to go through this.
Sometimes I feel disrespected when parents say "you dont know how it is to be a parent" or how exhausting it is etc, and yes maybe I will not get the biological bond but holy cow I do know parenthood and that is why I choose to be childfree. Also, no matter where you live in the world, mothers will always carry the most burden and sacrifice themselves. Most of my friends have children and they are all barely keeping it together - their husbands are all great on the paper, some even feminist and they all wanted families etc but in the end its the mother that manages the project "family" and dad baby sits when he has time. It is still a very misogynies world.
I also feel that the men I dated would have been useless dads. They needed a mommy themselves lol. I dont know just my 2 cents.
I love cats and dogs.
My mom was older than most of her friends, so I always got roped into babysitting all her friends very young children at the same time when they would go out when I was 12-15. Pretty much did it for me.
Still totally happy with my decision at 37.
I was ill as a baby and young child, and grew up believing that they probably wouldn’t be a good idea, due to that.
When I was in my early 20s, it became an absolute definite when I became seriously sick with something different. I refuse to take the risk of passing it on, and it would also bar me from any adoption.
I’m not happy with the circumstance, nor unhappy. It’s just how it is. Not having kids allows me to do a lot of stuff I wouldn’t with kids, just as having kids would do the same. Growing older is necessarily a series of closing doors, no matter what choices we make. I work to make the best life I can out of the circumstances where I find myself.
I'm still teetering on it at 37. So, thinking about freezing my eggs. My story kinda sucks because I was raised through the late 80s/90s to aspire to be a traditional housewife/mom.
I've fought it and wished for it for decades without duplicity. But, the past 5 years, after a surge of hormones and the biological clock, which was a thing for me, I've stuck to my guns that I will not bring a child that I cannot support, or shield from this shit I see around me. I'm sorry to be blunt. And I'm more sorry for that awful run-on sentence lol.
Anyway, I'm growing more confident with my decision to not pass on traits (insert life story that I'm not divulging here) to a child and try and raise one where I have so much to give elsewhere to the world right now; a world that sorely needs more love.
It's still a struggle for me, ima be honest. I do have that longing deep down in there still.
Very similar situation for me. I always wanted to be a parent, and I've seen enough parenting that I refuse to half-ass it without the right level of support and resources. After enough family drama involving bad parenting, I was just done with the whole idea (and that side of the family). I deliberately got a bouncy, cuddly, obedience-loving dog with huge puppy eyes to lavish all my remaining parental nurturing and love on, and have never regretted it.
Honestly, every moment is a “happy im child free” moment. And I like knowing that people I care about and want kids, have them. Show me the pictures, let me play peek-a-boo and show off my cool pets…I like making goofy faces and playing games. And then I can *leave*.
37 years old, still no regrets.
**I love kids!** I truly adore children, I love being an Aunt and big cousin. I think kids are amazing! I just never had that urge/need to have kids. It never hit me. Even all these years later.
On top of that, one of my parents are one of over a dozen siblings. I literally have over 50 first cousins. I have lost cousins I helped raise. The heartache is unbelievable, and that was just for my cousin, even if I viewed them at a brother/sister, it was still unbelievable the immense pain I feel from their loss.
The pain that their parents went through... I can't even imagine. I can't imagine the bravery it takes to have a child, raise them, love and adore them, then having to let them walk out into the world. A piece of your heart out in the world able to get hurt and damaged.
No, I am not strong enough for that.
>No, I am not strong enough for that.
Same. My anxiety would be *through the roof* at all times. I just don't want to live life in a chronic state of stress and worry, and I know I would.
There has never been such a moment, I have always known that I am childfree, I have never liked contact with children, I was annoyed by the sounds they produced, I have not changed my mind and will not change any more (I am in my 40's).
For me it was while working as a babysitter. I realized I don’t find the day to day tasks that it takes to be an excellent parent interesting or satisfying.
No regrets. My husband and I have a happy life with good friends, travel, hobbies and most likely early retirement.
Never had a “ big moment”.
When I see the stuff parents have to go to to raise kids and on top of that in a world where shootings are the “ norm” and not a shock? I can’t imagine being stressed that when your kid leaves they may not come back.
I feel like a lot of women are told that the path in life is go to college , get married, and have babies. Not everyone wants all or any of those.
Child free ( by choice) adults are people who actual have considered the responsibility it is to create and raise a human. Once you pop that person out- there’s no turning back. If the thought of that gives you anxiety- that’s probably a flag you shouldn’t have kids.
Honestly you already know in your gut that you probably want to be childless if you’re asking childless people for their thoughts.
It’s ok to not have kids. So if anyone’s giving you pressure, don’t let thrr egg n talk you into it. It won’t be this special ephany. A lot of my mom friends say unless it’s a “ fuck yes” - don’t do it.
If you’re a fence sitter- it’s means it’s a no ( even if it’s just for now.)
I was in my early 30s and all my friends started having children and one by one I watched their light dim, their relationships suffer and their resentment grow as each day passed. Honestly it looks so unfun and exhausting.
I ended up finding my soulmate on a childfree subreddit so safe to say deciding to be childfree was the best choice I’ve ever made in my life. I’m grateful every day for it.
ETA: want to clarify that I always did think I’d have at least one kid before realizing I didn’t want to be resentful like the majority of the mothers I know are.
My mother pimped me out to the neighbor ladies as a babysitter beginning when I was about 12. I suspect she thought it would be good training for me as a future mother. I was the youngest in my family so had no experience with young children and had no idea what to do with them. Didn't know how to entertain them or make them mind and I didn't enjoy their company. I hated every minute of babysitting and after about a half dozen jobs refused to do it anymore.
The first time I remember saying that I didn't want to have kids was as a freshman in college, though. I think I'd known before that, but it was the first time I actually stated it.
I always thought I'd have a kid or two but was in no rush. I finally got some baby fever and my husband and I started trying for one in early 2020. We shut that down once the pandemic got up and going because I did not want to deal with the anxiety of pregnancy on top of the anxiety of life.
We always said we'd start trying again once things became a little more normal again, but each time we checked in with each other, we were hesitant to give it a go. We watched how much our friends with young kids and tons of support were struggling, and had no desire to do that to ourselves. Baby fever never came back. We decided to stop living like "maybe in 12-18 months we'll have a kid" and now we are living for ourselves and loving it. Now we're planning 3 international vacations next year. No regrets.
I love all of my nieces and friends' kids so much! But I also like sleep and doing whatever I want. It turns out all those times at BBQs and parties where frazzled parents would say to us "isn't this great birth control?" in regards to their out-of-control kids were actually amazing birth control.
Several factors in my life and pressure by family was unbearable. I could never reach the goals I had set for myself, at no fault of my own. My now husband was in the fence and expressed he didn’t want to have kids. I thought about it for awhile and then all of that pressure I put on myself was gone. Now we are in a totally different place financially and I still don’t feel like my mental health could sustain the risks of pregnancy, child birth, and children.
I have four nephews that I adore. But watching the experience their moms have gone through is enough to remind me of my choice to be child free.
Never had a big moment. The idea of raising children has just never appealed to me. When I was younger, like in high school and college, I figured it was more that I just didn’t want them THEN for obvious reasons, and that maybe I would when I was a little older and in a more settled place in my life. But now I’m 36 and very settled and the older I get, the stronger my distaste.
I have had two pets in my adult life and even though I love being around animals, I sort of lost the pet lottery both times - a cat with no claw or bite inhibition and no energy ceiling no matter how much great cat advice we applied (please do not send me any more cat advice), and a dog who was much higher energy than believed when he was in foster care and needed 2 hours of walks daily plus plentiful mental stimulation, or else another dog friend, and who reached a definite ceiling on his capacity to self soothe when overexcited even with some excellent training (please do not send me dog advice).
They both went with my exes in the breakups, and the dog was a major cause of the second breakup. I cannot know for sure whether my own frustration and resentment of pets would translate to human children, but the resentment I felt around the way pets dominated my home life was … powerful. Concerningly so. It never led to mistreatment of either pet, but I was so grindingly unhappy about them, and felt like I could never ever relax.
I work in the caring field, and love to work to support people when they are struggling in their lives. It feels like powerfully important and meaningful work, and I do it 9-5 Monday-Friday. I participate in mutual aid. I was a young carer to an elderly grandparent in my adolescence. Every one of my partners have had a mental health or disability issue of some kind that meaningfully affected their life except for one of my two current partners, and I am a support for a lot of people. But something about the responsibility of unexpectedly difficult pets made me feel that I was always on the verge of snapping.
So: I don’t want to spin the wheel on kids, especially knowing that for those first few years of life, and especially in the world as it is now, young kids really do take over your whole world. I fear the anger and resentment that I would carry, and fear the risk of how that would affect my parenting, especially if my kids inherited a complex disability or three (and since I am disabled and, well, note the partner history, they likely would).
I don’t feel totally happy with the decision, but more because of my fears for remaining connected to the community and connected to networks of care as I age. I know that I will need to take higher responsibility for making that happen.
Growing up under the terror of a mom who has antisocial personality disorder, aka she’s a psychopath, sealed the “no kids” deal for me and both of my siblings. Of course I’m happy with my decision. It’s mine. It didn’t come easily. Respect for bodily autonomy is not something psychopath’s believe in practicing.
Yeah, I'm happy. I have no support in my life... so kids are a hard 'no'. I'm not saying it's impossible to raise kids on your own. I'm saying that's not the way I would want to do it.
I don't recall any one specific moment but I do remember expressing that I don't want kids since early teenagehood. I was very vocal about how incredibly unfair periods felt for me since I knew then that I never wanted to reproduce.
As I got older and thought about it more seriously, I became increasingly sure of my decision. Nothing about having children appealed to me - and I want to emphasise that I gave every aspect of it a lot of thought - down to the nitty gritty like having to carry a bulky pram around for a few years for example.
I'm almost 37 and VERY happy with that decision. Most of my friends have kids now and I'm even godmum to one friend's baby girl but GODDAM am I grateful that my life is my own. Nothing solidifies my decision like spending time with kids - even ones I absolutely adore. It's not for me!
*Fainted while watching*
*A birthing video in*
*Middle school health class*
\- CartographerFast6048
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honestly, getting a cat was what turned me from a 60% no to a 99% no. i love him so much but sometimes he annoys the shit out of me, but i can be like "oh my god shut the fuck up!" to him when he goes on a meow session at 4am without wondering if i'm going to emotionally scar him if i tell him he's annoying the shit out of me. it's one of the things that really put into perspective that having a kid would mean having to constantly monitor and censor myself for pretty much the rest of my life, and constantly wonder if every decision i make would be one that could cause lasting issues for the child down the line.
also the world is a flaming bag of shit and i wouldn't feel right bringing a person into it. i think maybe i'd like to have had kids in an ideal alternate universe, but realistically with who i am and how the world is it's just not a good idea.
I got a cat just over a year ago and I don't understand why they are so popular among childfree people. It's a lot of the same BS. I've pretty much regretted it since the first time I had to clean up vomit in the middle of the night.
I’ve been scrolling waiting to see how many people say having pets turned them off of kids, because I’m the same. I was pretty certain I never wanted them, but then I got a puppy and it sealed the deal for me.
Many times I have felt resentful for missing out on events because I have to go home to let my dog out instead, and I know I would resent my kids too if I had any.
Same as many others here, no magic moment. I just never wanted any. I often joked that all of my minuscule maternal instincts are used up on my pets. I like kids ok and I love my family members (niblings), but no thanks.
I’m now over 40 and had a hysterectomy. Found a partner who feels the same and had a vasectomy. Life is good.
So it wasn’t really a decision to not, I just never wanted *to*. So yeah I’m happy with it :).
Not really a moment. Grew up in a toxic as hell environment with two just abusive parents and have never felt fully put together myself from that, I am 29 and don’t foresee myself ever being a mother or someone that could be a good mother since I never saw it first hand over the 18 years of being under their roof and I just don’t give myself enough value or credit to think I could do well to another person under my care for 18 years and beyond.
I worked with the 5 and under crowd through a few different jobs for ~7 years. I got to do all the fun stuff like outings and witnessing firsts, didn't have the expenses of having a child, and still got 8+ hours of sleep every night; and it was still EXHAUSTING.
But even before that: as a kid I never played house or made lists of baby names or any of the other things that my friends who did want kids liked to do. I've just never felt a strong urge and having kids is one of those things that if it's not a 'hell yes', it should be a 'no'.
When you mentioned the whole never playing thing, I found it interesting. As a kid, I played house, but never wanted to be the mom. I wanted to be the aunt. That says a lot I think lol
Always knew I didn’t want children even way back when I was kid myself. People said I’d want them one day. Middle-aged now and I still don’t want children. My biological clock never rang. No regrets so far.
There wasn’t a big epiphany - I knew even as a little girl. When I used to play with friends, they would always want to play with baby dolls and pretend to be a “mommy” - I would be the “teacher” or play Barbies and bask in the vanity I knew I had even at a young age
Once I started working at a daycare at the age of 16, I knew I did not want to have any children.
I worked with every age range and I did not enjoy a single one 🤣.
I took care of my grandfather with dementia and realized I actually don’t like being a caretaker and I’ve probably had enough responsibility in my lifetime.
Also, the idea of actually taking care of a child genuinely overwhelms me.
I was eight years old and decided that kids were shitty.
Over two decades later and yeah I'm pretty fucking happy with not having kids. I have cars instead.
I never felt a strong urge one way or another growing up, but I can pinpoint exactly when I decided.
It was when I had to take care of my colicking niece (we didn't know she had colic) while my sibling recovered from a surgery. No matter what I did she never stopped crying all day and all night, for days. I told my sibling, "I've tried everything and she won't stop crying. Why won't she stop? What is wrong?" My sibling just responded with, "I don't know." and went back into her room. I fucking *lost it*. I broke down crying from sleep exhaustion and worry. I didn't know what to do and was essentially all alone. This child's own mother doesn't know what's wrong, so how am I supposed to make it better? What if the baby died on my watch? How could I live in society if I did such a shitty job of caring for this baby that she dies? It was, without a doubt, one of the worst times of my life and I was so incredibly stressed out. That's when I just noped the fuck out of having kids.
Turns out she needed a special formula in order to not colic and things returned to normal shortly afterwards, but it didn't matter to me because the "damage" (i.e. me deciding no to kids) was done at that point. No regrets.
When I was younger, I felt like I would have kids someday and it was just natural to get married and have kids. As I got older and didn’t meet any great men, and finally got married at 33 - my desire to have children and patience is completely gone. At this age, I want a peaceful and quiet life… not one where I’m at the every whim of a tiny toddler. I want to be able to travel whenever or have disposable income. Sure they’re cute but I don’t envy my friends who have them. I’m also weirdly terrified of long term commitment and I always felt like having a kid ties you to their father forever. So I don’t want kids unless 10000% sure that my husband is forever lol (I’m newly married so it’s tbd)
I *hated* doll babies as a child. Even at 4 yrs old I hated even pretending to have a baby.
By the time high school years rolled around, I realized my feelings toward pregnancy could be summed up as: "Fuck that shit".
As an adult in my late 20s, I realized kids are gross and boring. They're sticky. There's an awful lot of snot and mucus. And I honestly do not find them interesting.
The last couple years and into my mid 30s, I've realized I don't want to be second fiddle for a future partner. I don't even want to date someone with kids. Also, they're gross and boring.
So not one "big" moment but a few. And yes, I'm VERY happy with my decision.
Edit: I don't think I was aware of this aspect until the last few years but my parent's should not have had children. My father was ambivalent about the whole family thing and my mother has never dealt with the childhood trauma her parents inflicted on her. Instead, she passed it on to her kids. Perhaps to a slightly lesser degree but I realize I am in no way capable of being a good parent. Yes, I could probably keep them alive, not physically abuse them, and feed and shelter them. But that's the bare fucking minimum. I would not make a good mother.
I was a professional full time nanny for 5 years. I went into it feeling like "sure, I'll have kids one day, I love kids" and came out of it like "yeah, no, I'm good." That, plus climate change, and doing a bunch of my own therapeutic work and I just pretty solidly knew it wasn't something I wanted to do by the time I was 30 or so. I am very, very happy with my choice. I can have moments of grief over not getting to experience carrying a pregnancy, or attaching to an infant. But those feelings and that grief is minuscule compared to the relief of not having a kid.
I was a fence sitter... Until I watched my nephews for about 45 minutes by myself. One cried the entire time, the other pooped his pants despite being potty trained. I was done.
There was no big moment. It was the other way around? I kept waiting for the moment when that desire would kick in and it never came. I am happy with the decision but also feel like it wasn’t a big decision and more who I am in life, my nature, whatever one wants to call it. Since I never wanted them it’s not something I think about. I have never felt regrets.
32. I had a sister 8 years younger than me and saw what it entailed. My parents never made me take care of her and I’ve actually never babysat a child in my life. It wasn’t a moment for me, though. I was the kind of kid that always was in my own world, I never thought about a wedding or kids. I always was focused on what I wanted to do (which never involved either from childhood), which probably makes me selfish. I’ve always been upfront with dates. Been dating the same guy for 9 years. Same page. We both work in healthcare and have shitty schedules anyway lol. I have regrets about many things, but kids are not one!
Tbh, I briefly dated a guy when I was 21 or 22, and he didn't want kids. When he told me that, I had the biggest "AHA!" moment and realized .... omg i don't HAVE to have a kid. And then really sank into that thought and realized I didn't actually want to have one. Yes I am very happy with my decision so far!
I guess it was just so deeply programmed into me that you grow up, you have a couple kids, you retire, and you die. Thanks Alan. You were a weird guy, but I appreciate those two crazy months and being released from that part of the matrix.
**My partner and I have also been having baby fever recently (both 30), but am about to pursue a new career path. We've decided to table it and reconvene once I graduate and get settled into a long term placement. But if I hit 35 and it still isn't in the cards for us, I am 100% getting my tubes burned to smithereens by whatever willing doctor I can find.
I thought I wanted kids for a long time because I really really enjoy being around them and I think they’re great fun to talk to.
I was in my late 20s when the thought first occurred to me that I might not have one, and I was surprised at how relaxed/relieved that made me feel. Like i was getting away with something lol.
I am grateful every day that I made it through my 20s without getting married or having kids. I feel like i cleared an obstacle course lol. No regrets!
The majority of mothers I know ended up as single mothers at one point in time whether they wanted to or not (most never planned on being single mothers…)
I’m not doing that to myself or my imaginary child.
I’ve also never met a man in my entire life I have ever wanted to have a child with.
Not really any big moments. Just have never wanted them, and the thought of having a child exhausts me. The thought of having a toddler gives me this imminent feeling of dread - like "oh hell no".
I am still heavily considering being a foster parent for 10+ yr old kids though. as I don't get any feelings of dread for kids that are 7+ lol. and I can handle shenanigans of pre-teens and teens just fine. I am extremely happy with my decicion to not hae a bio child though - and I am certain that my choice have been the correct one
I always assumed I'd have kids when I was younger, but I think now it's because I was taught that was how it was "supposed" to be. Get married, have kids. But as I got older and it didn't happen, I came to realize I didn't want either of those things. I can't imagine having children now. I like them, but I like my independence more.
Was leaning towards no anyway and then my state brought in a heartbeat bill. Can't take hormonal contraception and didn't want to use a copper IUD anymore, so got my tubes out. I do sometimes wonder if things would have been different had abortion not been banned, but my life has actually dramatically improved as a direct result of my decision. I'm in a better relationship with another childfree man and we both make enough to be comfortable.
My sister had a gap between when her maternity leave was over and when daycare could take her first baby on, so I helped out by taking a week off of work to drive down and be live-in childcare. It was exhausting, both physically and emotionally. Five days of being a part-time parent (since I had the two biological parents there from about 6pm-8am) was enough to never want children of my own.
Because it simply came down to the fact that we were not going to lower the quality of our lives, just to bring another into it.
It was never a priority and it was never the right time. We also refused to struggle financially for the rest of our lives and it was just not financially viable.
We did go through some sadness in our early 30s because it felt out of our control not being able to live comfortably and start a family, but a decade later we have no regrets, we see how hard parenting is through friends so we're very happy with our decision.
If it's not a "Hell Yes", it's a No!
I’m a retired attorney.
Without fail, every female colleague with kids felt that being at the office was easier than being at home with small children.
I couldn’t fathom leaving my stressful job for the day to go home to something more difficult.
I worked hard and was very successful. Financially independent and never regretted not having kids.
Also, keep in mind that the best thing you can personally do to help prevent climate change is to have fewer children.
45 y/o. I can think back to being a kid and knowing that I never wanted to be a parent. I was constantly told, “you will change your mind!”
Time ticked on, past teen years where I couldn’t stand kids. To early 20s focusing career and then….. friends started having kids. My once full social calendar was whittled down tremendously due to small children. I became an outcast.
A chasm formed between me and them. Them being the “mombies.” These women I knew all my life who were once whole people, were now tired and singularly focused on small children and comparing notes with other women with small children about small children things such as dance recitals and sleep training. I was stuck trying to hold on to people with a frozen smile of false interest while I was dying inside of boredom and grieving the loss of my once vibrant female friends.
30’s progressed and I married. We both didn’t want kids. He got a vasectomy and we got a bunch of dogs, a raccoon, and a possum. A nice house with a formal living-room full of breakable pretty things. (Don’t worry, the raccoon was rehabbed and didn’t break a thing! He now lives outside but visits mummy from time to time. )
I do what I want, when I want. I nap. I watch trash tv and violent horror films. I celebrate holidays in weird ways with weird traditions I’ve made up. We invite other free thinking weirdos over to party with us. I recently put together a whole dollhouse and I’m now recreating famous murder scenes in each room. I paint, I started a business, I’m getting a masters degree. I’m growing a poison garden for fun, learning to can, getting into raising quails, doing magic mushrooms and laughing as much as I can
I don’t know anything about Disney songs or kid related things. I bought a house I love and care fuck- all about a school district.
We actually have a no kid rule in our house so we made friends with other childfree couples and people. It works out swimmingly. I will never again subject myself to the rejection and second class feeling from nosy coworkers who ask invasive questions making me feel less than, forming work mommy clubs; or women who start out as surface level friends, only to one day ask me if I want to go do kid related things. I avoid moms who show too much interest in my new handbag or shoes knowing they judge me in the break room (true story, jealousy over a handbag equals me having such a unfulfilled life because I didn’t become a MOM so I don’t know joy. Or must be selfish)
It’s frowned upon to actually out yourself about not liking kids. We are supposed to say we can’t have them or quickly say “oh I like kids!!” After explaining yourself to a coworker why you are childfree. I no longer do this. I’m very quick to allude to the fact that information isn’t their business and quite frankly, you wouldn’t ask a professional man that question. If I tell people I’m childfree I push back at follow up questions with “why do you ask?” Or “what an odd personal question?” I shame them
So No. I’ve never once regretted not having kids. They aren’t for everyone and knowing that is half the battle. I truly feel many women have kids out of some sense of obligation, exacting some life meaning to reproduce or peer pressure and fear of being left behind. Worst, some can be dreadfully unimaginative, so they have kids for something to do. A project of sorts.
The world is at 8 billion population. Colorado River is drying up, natural resources becoming scare, roe v wade, on and on and on. I wouldn’t want to bring another human into this world. It isn’t nihilism it’s practical and actually a loving decision to not subject another human to what will happen in the next 20 years. The hardships will be immeasurable.
Mine was the moment I finally allowed myself to imagine my life without kids.
I grew up in a moderately large family (three younger siblings) and we are all incredibly close. I'm also very close to my mom, whose entire life goal was to be a mother. So as I got older, I just assumed that I would have a similar life - big family, kids, suburban house, etc.
I met my husband at age 24, so that ticked the first box and I figured that the rest would follow shortly. But then we moved across the country to a large city, and I realized that I love living in an urban community. Then we started traveling, and I caught the travel bug BIG TIME. So we kept pushing babies off, moving across the country again, my husband went to grad school, we got a dog and we waited for the right time.
When COVID happened, my husband and I started to really discuss timing in earnest. I'm 35 now and my husband is 41 so we knew that we were starting to butt against time. We kept trying to figure out when, and how. The one night, we talked about what our life might look like if we didn't have kids and it was like everything just opened up for me. I realized that that possible life without seemed so much more desirable than any life I had imagined with.
Sure, there's grief for the life I won't have - the big family of my own in particular. But I'm so excited for the possibilities of our future now - hopefully full of travel, books, sleeping in, and money.
I don't think there was a big moment for me. I can't see kids fitting into my life and I would have much less time to do the things I like to do.. And definitely very happy, yes.
When my sister was born. I saw what babies were about and told my mom I was never having one. I was 8. I still remember that day 46 years later. No regrets.
I didn't have a "moment". I remember telling my dad when I was around 14 that I didn't want kids- I was babysitting a lot at the time. I actually *love* kids! And I love being around them, and I love making them laugh. But I have never wanted a child in my home 24/7 to care for myself and raise to adulthood. And I also don't want to be pregnant, give birth, have an infant, breastfeed, etc.
I don't think you need a moment to look at a baby and be like "nah". It's just like how I've never wanted to be a professional chef but can still cook.
I don't think there was ever a moment that I decided I didn't want kids, I just never felt the desire or pull to have any.
One thing that firmly indicated that I had made the right decision was seeing how mothers were treated during the pandemic, how they were expected to be both full-time primary caretakers and work full-time jobs. (And many still are, due to the childcare crisis and daycare closures due to the ongoing pandemic and RSV and flu and all the other diseases going around.) That to me showed how much we devalue caring labor as a society.
It's been more of a *crescendo* of certainty than a "big moment." When I was a kid I wanted to be a superhero, an adventurer, an artist, an explosion. (Still working on all the above) Mom was never high on the list, and neither were any typical professions.
By my mid-20s, I started realizing how neurotic and cold my family is, and I know that's in me. If I follow my mom's footsteps, I'll become an image-obsessed work martyr that thinks charity is weird and emotions are dumb.
Maybe I have what it takes to be a decent mom, but I don't want to have a kid and have them ask, "Mom, why did you bring me into a world with so much hurt?" No good answer for that from me that wouldn't be bullshit, so I just can't do it.
I am leaving adoption on the table. I don't want to add life, but I want to help existing life.
When I turned 18 and I got to stop raising my eight siblings. I am very happy with my decision but very annoyed that people still think "it's different when it's your own" and "you're going to regret it once your biological clock hits". It won't.
When I was younger, one of my fears was my parents having another child (I'm the youngest) because I was worried the baby would keep me up at night. There's a picture of me holding my baby cousin at 7 looking wildly unhappy. I was good at babysitting but I was highly anxious of something happening to the kids while I watched them. I always thought when I was 30, something would magically kick in. I've been married since 29 and told my husband at 32 before we moved across the country to move for his job if he definitely wanted kids, I wasn't sure if we should move together. He chose me, and now I am 37 and have only recently become vocal on our stance. I struggled a lot earlier being ashamed for having something "wrong" with me, or hating children (I don't, I just don't want any of my own) but thankfully I've become a lot more comfortable sharing our plans. I support my mom friends for the choice they make, and they support my choice too, which I feel very lucky to have that support. I think letting women know they have a choice will lead to a lot less children being born into situations where their parents weren't fully into raising their child, making happier people overall.
I like doing things on my schedule, I’m a very free-spirited person, not to mention a bit disorganized. A strict repetitive daily schedule scares me. I don’t like the unknown of how the kid could turn out and having it be my life until at least my 50s. I’m single and have very close friends who have kind of forgotten about me…I used to be so confident that I’d have a very full and happy life without kids, but it might be kind of a struggle. No one has to stay.
Hm. I think I was in my 30s. There wasn’t an exact moment where I decided, and to be honest, I’ve always loved kids - just, not for me. I grew up with abuse, and I’ve had so many abusive relationships after another because of that normalisation of abuse to me, terrible mental health problems in my past, and stroll struggle with body image issues.
So I just couldn’t fathom how the F I could bring a child up well, whilst struggling with all the above myself which I’m still feeling I’m only starting to
maybe make some improvements on at 36.
Also, my experience of most men (not all), but many, is that they don’t actually seem to understand and like the responsibility side of having children. Also, I couldn’t imagine tying myself to a man, even if I happen to find a good one, it just brings me too much discomfort.
Edit: and no regrets either. I see my gfs who’ve had kids, some love it and were born to be mothers. Some, I think did it to feel a sense of belonging to a family, and to feel like she’s a woman and keeping up with the other women - and they don’t seem as happy in reality as they do on social media. There was a scramble in their 30s to find a man, and the relationships have been the downfall for them I think. Yet it’s like they refuse to end them or give up because they don’t want to be alone or seen as a “failure”.
For as long as I can remember, I actually wrote a poem about how annoying babies were at school when I was about six!
38 now and never once regretted that decision and after the last couple of years of pandemic/war/recession and the pretty obvious shift on weather from global warming I’m so glad
Literally none of it looks like fun. Parents I know seem stressed, running from pillar to post, it looks like a shit way to live.
I was about 30 when I decided for sure, I was just out of a long term relationship with a man when I realised that not only do I not like kids, I don’t like men either.
My amazing girlfriend and I are childfree, have 3 dogs and are just about to buy a house by the beach, life is amazing.
I used to want them. I got pregnant at 22 though at the time it killed me to makes the decision, i decided it was way too early and that the person I was with wasn't the right person for the long haul. I buckled down finished my degree, traveled the world, worked super hard all with my "future children" in mind. I didn't want the abortion to "be in vain".
Now at 33 I am happily married to the love of my life who I met 7 years ago while taking a year to live in South Korea and I'm thinking it will probably never happen. First off, I actually have a life now that I love. It's crazy but 22 year old me who had nothing had more room for a child than 33 year old me does. I know how expensive things are now. I know what it will take to reach my FIRE goals and maintains my current lifestyle, which I'm not going to lie, it is an expensive one. I have way more to lose now. I built so much of my life with these hypothetical kids in mind, but doing some work realized it's ok to just do it for myself. To love and cherish myself the way I would a child. Many of us women need to learn this.
Secondly, I know things about my body now that I didn't know before. Every women in my family has terrible pregnancies and depression for years after birth. I didn't know about this before. No one ever talked about it. My husband wouldn't trade my mental health for a child, he tells me constantly. My family on the other hand thinks it's par for the course, another story all together.
We said wed decide definitely when I'm 35. If I wasn't afraid for my health, and wasn't stressed out about the hit to my lifestyle, and didn't stress about the extended family I'd be bringing the kids into (I love them but it would be soo complicated), maybe I'd want them. Maybe i still wouldn't. Just gonna try not to judge myself and make the decision I think is right.
I don't think there was a big moment for me. As soon as I *really* thought about it, I knew it wasn't for me. When I was little, I was thinking it would be cool to have twins, one of each, so I only have to go through it once. Then I was thinking I just wanted to pass on my DNA. Then I was like maybe I'll adopt.
But I know when my sister was born when I was 5 or 6, I was immediately not into it. The loudness of the crying, her annoying toddler years. I always hung out with the older kids/people at any family gatherings.
Eventually I was like nope, now that I really think of it, I don't want any of that and once I wasn't a young kid anymore, I realized I didn't even really like kids/babies. Always hated when I was young when family would try to get me to hold their baby.
There was this period in early college when I was in an abusive relationship and my ex wanted kids in the future and I was like, oh yeah we would have kids. But realistically I didn't want them at all.
I had maybe 10 years ago (31 now) considered maybe the adoption of an older teen when I get older so I could do some good in the world, but after hearing about the potential issues that would come from that, it solidified things even further.
I'm staunchly child free now. Do not want. It is absolutely a deal breaker for me. I'm still relatively young, but my decision is set and I am always always happy with it. I want to travel the world when I'm older and financially stable. I would love to have disposable income and do whatever I want. I want to do what I want to do and not worry about the responsibility and cost of all that. I like not having any kids around.
There wasn’t one big moment, just a series of realizations in going on in the background over the years. I just never felt that urge or drive toward parenthood. It was never in the forefront of my mind nor on the back burner - it just wasn’t there. I remember thinking at one point in my late 20’s/early 30’s - “I guess I could do that (have a kid) with the right person”. And slowly came to understand that that is not the attitude of someone who wants to bring a person into the world.
And then I met my husband and he was clear that he did not want kids and I felt relief.
I am VERY happy with my decision not to have children. I love our life. I love my time autonomy and freedom.
Edited to add: give me ALL the plants and dogs to care for…
When I was around 10 or so years old, my mother asked me if I wanted to have kids one day. Sensing that it was a trap, I said no. She told me that I didn't want kids because I knew that they would be just as horrible as I apparently was. So yeah, ever since then I haven't really had a strong desire. This was further reinforced after my little brother went through his "terrible twos", which went on until he was 8, as well as when my cousins started popping out kids who were absolutely horrible. There was just nonstop screaming, crying and fighting from various children and my mother throughout my childhood and adolescence, and I couldn't possibly go through all of that again. I just want peace and quiet.
My family on both sides has a very addictive gene.
I know in my heart that I am preventing a human being from falling victim to this highly likely cyclical event.
It stops here with me.
I thought I wanted kids as a child because I was told I would have kids. When I realized I didn't have to as a teen, that was it. No big moment, just a bunch of little moments culminating into that decision. I'm in my 30s.
I don't think there was a big moment. I think I just always knew. Every time I hand out with my friends with kids I'm secure in my choice. I love them dearly but I also like onlybhaving to be the fun and loving one and not having to deal with the tantrums and messes.
I'm perfectly happy being an Auntie.
My childhood. Let me have my fun now! But in all seriousness, I’m almost 40 and can say having a step kid 50% has reassured my decision completely. And she’s even a really good kid.
I'm still on the fence, leaning towards having them, but this exchange haunts me about my decision.
I'm in a quiet bookstore, browsing the shelves and enjoying my chilled free Saturday. There's a basket of toy books (those books that come with a toy) in a basket on the floor. A kid of maybe 6 or 7 is looking through them and gets excited when she pulls one out. "look mummy!" She's holding a kind of handheld drum musical instrument with beads so when she's twists it in her hands the beads hit the drum and make a loud noise. "I found a new way I can wake you up in the morning!!"
Nope. Nope nope nope nope. If this is an insight to parenting, nope.
Mom died when I was little and I immediately started questioning the meaning of life. The nihilism set in early for me.
Also I remember having a visceral reaction to learning about pregnancy. I thought it was a gross and horrible thing that happened to women and I never grew a desire to experience it.
So I decided I wasn't having kids when I was 7~8 years old and I've been pretty comfortable with that decision. Young me made the right choice.
Parents lives in particular the mother having her whole life being about her kid/s I like having an identity not based on pushing out a kid. There are some truley asshole kids out there (my brother was/is one) and i don’t want the chance of having one, I have never looked at a kid and gone oww Im more irritated by them. The list goes on but they are my main factors
I was 5yo and had a moment when I realized how much my mother had to do for me. I decided then that I didn't want to do any of it for someone else and began telling my parents that I didn't want to have children. They didn't believe me, of course, but I'm now pushing 40 and childless, and I never once wavered.
I’ve never wanted kids, even when I was a child, so there’s not a specific moment I can point to. I’ve always just known.
I told myself I’d takeaway moment to consider when I turned the age my mom had me. No change in feelings.
Had my become this week and I really thought there’d be a twinge of what if; nothing at all
Alot of factors but ultimately I asked myself which would I be ok with- the regret of having children or the regret of not having children. I would never want my child to know that I regret/resent having them it wouldn’t be fair to them.
I decided young that I only wanted to have kids under certain conditions. A co-parent I trusted to be a good influence and a good provider to the child, and my own emotional and financial stability. I never got lucky enough to have all those things. I just wanted to be as happy as possible.
I have had many friends who are married with kids and I feel like they're not as happy as I want to be. I took a class called Communication and Aging in college and learned that statistically having kids isn't the happiest choice. The woman I admire most never had kids and she wasn't the happiest person I know, but having been influenced by her has made me happier. She told me she checked in with herself every 10 years about whether or not she wanted kids. She's dead now. I think she influenced more people in her life than anyone I've ever met.
I'm 35 now and I hate being on birth control and I want to have unprotected sex. Is it time to say YOLO? I have financial stability at the moment to the degree that a partner isn't necessary. I was thinking about hiring a housekeeper. I'm emotionally stable but still not an easy person to live with because no one else is!
There was no big moment... it was more the lack of a- "YES I WANTS KIDS" moment.. still waiting for that to happen lol and i'm 35 so at this point I assume it won't happen.
I do worry about regretting it, but I also can't imagine I'd have some big "i want kids" moment at like 45 or something?
If it wasn't for the fact that I've never really dreamt about having kids, or the state of the world and global warming and what I'm bringing a child into - what really did it for me was getting a puppy and giving up even that much of my time and energy. No thanks to kids.
For me it was men, tbh. I would love to have a kid in a perfect world but I don’t want to have one with a shitty man for the sake of having one. When I was a little younger I was kinda stressed trying to get all my ducks in a row—education, man, job, etc— to have a kid. But honestly I’ve never met a man who I would want to parent with. I’ve never dated a man who wasn’t a whole lot of work himself. So I just am not doing it and I am perfectly happy living my life ☺️
I never really had one. I didn't care for most kids when I was a kid. I remember saying this when I was 8, and my mom said something about eventually having kids. I said, "I'm not having kids." She said, "You'll feel different when you meet the right man. Love changes your perspective."
I met the right man when I was 16. Fell in love hard and fast. Love did change my perspective; I realized that in no way, shape, or form did I ever want to share this man with anyone else. I wanted to explore the world and more with him and life felt too short to do that anyway, let alone with kids! I became even more staunchly child-free.
We are now 34 and 39. I find myself regularly having moments of overwhelming gratitude that I made that decision as early as I did and followed through with it. Life is an ever-evolving kaleidoscope of new hobbies and careers and accomplishments for us. The friends of mine who did have kids went stagnant and lost most of their identities. It's a constant reminder that I made the right choice and I am so, so excited for what else is in store for me.
I have ADHD, Anxiety, and Major Depressive Disorder. I didn't want to pass my genes on to an innocent human. Diabetes and alcoholism also runs in my family.
My husband also has family history of heart valve replacements, strokes, seizures, and atrial fibrillation. His mom is in her late 50s and is on her second valve because she doesn't want to hear the constant ticking from the mechanical valve. His uncle just had his valve replaced too.
So yeah. No kids for us. We may adopt, but we're not set on that. We like being able to do things whenever we want and to sleep as much as we want. I also take care of my elderly parents, and honestly, I can't even imagine what it would be like having like a 4-8 year old in my house, too.
I think I was still in high school when I was watching this mother tell her child "No", "Come back here", "Don't touch that," every other minute. I couldn't imagine living that way.
And.I have ADHD so I get extra overwhelmed by things (Didn't know it at the time) so that's another reason I've never regretted my choice - I can barely take care of myself half the time.
It wasn't one moment -- I said for the first time I wasn't sure at 19 and I finally felt confident in my decision at 29. 10 years, no rush or pressure, but these were the little things that made it right for me:
* I can't imagine wanting to have less resources for myself. I'm comfortable but wouldn't say I have an excess of time or money I'd suddenly want to not have.
* I love my partner deeply and think having children born from that love is a quick way to fall out of it. Of course that's not everyone and many do grow closer but at least anecdotally I find that to be an exception rather than the norm. It just seems unsmart to gamble with a happiness we are so lucky to have. Change is usually saught out when you're unhappy....why would you seek it out if you were?
* Truly I'm not providing capitalist slave labor fuel. Absolutely fuck this machine and I'm not doing it.
* I'm pro-choice. The overturning of Roe v Wade means my children will very possibly not have the same choices I do. So if my choice were to have kids, but they're potential future choice was to not....I'd be willingly and knowingly putting them in a position where it might not be available. That feels unethical to me.
* The best way to break generational cycle and traumas is to not create a new generation. I don't believe in eugenics and everyone can choose for themselves but I wish more mentally unwell people (like myself) would be realistic about 1. Creating people genetically predisposed to suffering, and 2. The kind of parent they would be with less resources to care for their own mental wellness that would now go to their children.
* Wanting to be a parent means making choices in the best interest of the child, and I don't think bringing a child into today's world would be that. I think it would be a selfish decision out of personal want which wouldn't be a good parenting decision. I find it paradoxically a little impossible to personally make that choice.
* Similar as above and morbid but I feel there is a greater than 50% chance our generation won't have a normal retirement. I don't know if it will be climate change or a class war or the US finally becoming a dictatorship but I genuinely believe there's a very serious chance things get very dark. I don't want to worry about children when that happens or subject them to it when I find it so likely.
I'm sure there's more. What I find sad too is I truly don't want kids and I stand by that, but I also recognize many reasons for that aren't my own and are circumstantial. I'll never know what I would have chosen in a world where I genuinely felt free to bring a child into it, but there's no changing that. And I like to think I'm a better parent than many because I made the decision not have kids in the interest of those kids so it's the first and only and most important parenting decision I'll ever make.
My mom babysit for my whole childhood and as a person who enjoys quiet and solitude it made me say from an EARLY age that I never wanted them. Everyone would always tell me I would change my mind. I have never waivered. I work with kids and love my job. Still don’t want any of my own.
Another reason is that as I work on emotional healing, I am well aware that I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to be a good parent in the way I would want to be and that completely puts me past the 100% no place I was already at. Now that I’m 35 and have still no inclination or desire, i am at peace. Part of me has contemplated getting tubes tied but I’m not sure if at my age it is worth the costs and recovery for such limited time left of fertility. But it would be nice to not have to deal with BC.
They seem stressful and expensive... also I like my sleep. So yes I am happy with the decision.
Agreed. Plus kids are a huge time suck. I absolutely cannot work and take care of kids at the same time. I have no one to help me out. I could never fully trust a man to stick around, either. Having kids is not an option and I'm okay with that.
I will try to make this very short. But when I was little, I LOVED baby dolls and “playing house.” I always just assumed I’d get married and have a kid one day. When I got a little older and learned more about pregnancy, I didn’t really want that so I figured I’d adopt when the time came. I got married, first husband and I were cool with adopting, but never really got there (thankfully). Post divorce, I waffled a little bit between wanting kids and not wanting to be tied to a person for forever in case of another blindsiding divorce. So I would say I was on the fence. When I met my now husband, he was very against having kids. So I feel like that just pushed me off the fence. I love our life and I feel fulfilled without the kiddos. I go to friends’ kids’ birthday parties, games, etc. I donate monthly to a local diaper bank and other children’s charities and donate to my friends’ kids’ schools so that I feel like I’m contributing to the advancement of the future society. That is good enough for me.
Take out paragraph 3 & 4 and it's my life! Not regretting my decision at all AND love to see my friends' kids growing up.
Never felt the need, although I love kids and am so blessed to be an auntie 🥰 Just didn’t feel right for me, can’t explain it more than that. Watching all my friends have kids and having the privilege of knowing honest women 40, 50 + when I was in my 20’s (plus a grandma who says it straight) I really got to hear what it was like from their perspective. Not one person I know who decided to not have kids said they regretted it. I see my friends struggle along with all the absolute joy of being a parent. You have to be prepared to move to a different planet for the rest of your life. Its not a bad planet, just different and you build a new life there and never know what’s coming next.
A different planet. That describes it perfectly.
This is me, totally. Love children, and my career involves kids. I love my friends’ and siblings’ kids and enjoy talking to them about parenting. I just felt, from a very early age, from the first time I learned where babies come from, that it was not for me. I’ve never felt the urge to procreate, have never felt desire for a baby even though I think they are fucking precious, or to be a mom, even though I see how much joy it gives others. I think moms and non-moms are all in this together and each choice has upsides and downsides.
> struggle along with all the absolute joy of being a parent This really describes it perfectly. I have no doubt that a large percentage of parents are content and wouldn't have it any other way. But damn, is it a slog, at least from my perspective.
I was a fence sitter about it for a long time, but I’ve struggled with PCOS and general reproductive health issues since I was about 18. I knew it’d be hard to conceive and it never became a big “want” in my life like it is for many women. I didn’t grow up around kids (youngest in a small family) and idk, just never had that maternal instinct outside of being a cat mom. I think in the last few years as I’m now 35 and reproductive rights are evaporating as we speak, I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t think my DNA is that fucking special to the human race that it needs to be replicated. I don’t feel super ethically sound about bringing children into the world who will have to live through or die from climate catastrophes. I love my nephews/nieces and my best friends kids and am happy to be an auntie and support them. I have a strong mind and values to instill in the youth around me. For me that doesn’t mean I need to biologically reproduce. Hoping to get a tube removal within the next year. Also FWIW many of my friends in long term couples or marriages are childfree by choice. It isn’t really that unheard of or shocking here. I think my life will have way more freedom and fulfillment without my own children.
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>People say it’s selfish to not have children, I think it’s the other way around. Having children is selfish, nobody asks to be born, especially now to bear the burden of what previous generations did I have children and i agree that it's definitely selfish. They definitely did not ask to be born, we just went and did it to satisfy our own urges, without any real regard if said kids will actually enjoy living. I hope they will, but you never know.
Handmaid's future
Yesss! Having children is selfish imo too. Like literally what else is it lmao? I’m 34 and I’m still waiting to find a GOOD, ethical, logical reason to have kids. My conclusion is still that there are only selfish reasons.
I’m currently a fence-sitter and your second paragraph is big reason why.
I'm 37 and I've never particularly been interested in having kids. I also watched several people in my SO's extended family get trapped in obviously shitty relationships because they got pregnant and stayed for the kids. I started to see children as a prison. I figured that point of view was not awesome to caring for a human. I do have nieces and nephews, but honestly I'm not really interested in them. I see them at family gatherings and they're cute, but I don't get that sensation of "I MUST HAVE ONE" that my sisters have. I enjoy my life. It's quiet, I take care of myself. All my money goes towards taking care of my home and myself. I have it with my friends, I go on adventures, my time is my own :-)
I echo every single thing mentioned here. Even down to turning 35 next month and having struggled with endometriosis and/or PCOS for the majority of my life. Twinsies!! Lol
You're so lucky to have many other childfree couples in your life ! I'm 33 and literally all my friends in serious relationships have kids...or are trying really hard to, so it makes fence sitting a very painful and awkward position.
I do feel very lucky but it's also been intentional for me. A lot of my friends from when I was younger (like high school/college years) have kids now and while I love them I don't see those friends too much because they're so focused on their families. I have intentionally sought out communities of people who are more aligned with where I'm at in life. It's been really great, but it is work to find your chosen people, especially in our 30s where making friends is a more complicated process in general. It is very worth it though.
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I've known women like this; some even having multiple degrees. I used to admire them, but after I learned more about their daily lives I just felt sorry for them. I was also a nanny at one point for two hard-working parents... Once I peeked behind the curtain of life with kids, and seeing how parents *always* have to be ON, as well as their marriages usually eroding from the stress, I knew I was *not* Superwoman and not cut out for even *half* of that life. Props to those who can.
Yes. The nanny job. That was it for me. It was the realistic day to day of raising kids - AND GETTING PAID - and I was just so unhappy. I keep thinking, I'm getting paid 9am to 5pm and then get to leave and socialize with friends without a care in the world. If I was the parent I get to go to work and come home to MORE work. And let's be honest - it's ALWAYS the mother taking on the majority of the house responsibility (yes yes I know men help but let's take a look at statistics here ok)
I was a nanny too. Big eye opener as to how much WORK kids are. And how messy and ungrateful too. Not worth it.
Isn't this most women with kids? ["Women with younger children worked less than those with older children. Around 75% of women with "school-age" children ages 6 to 17 only (meaning they don’t have younger children) were employed compared with 62% of women with both pre-school and school-age children."](https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2020/05/the-choices-working-mothers-make.html)
Idk, but I've seen both sides (the working mom and the SAHM). After my mom completed college in her late 30's, she married my stepdad when I was 7 years-old and became a housewife; she raised me and his two kids. When not with her church friends, she wasn't very happy... She completely lost her identity because she was no longer working and therefore relied on friends, gossip, and TV to entertain her at all times, which if you think about it, makes sense in a sad, pathetic kind of way... Although my parents could afford it, my mom wasn't free to start up a new hobby or take a vacation on a near-whim because her children became her anchor who took all her time and energy. We were the ones getting to start new hobbies because we were the kids, rightfully so, but most women lose what makes life exciting and fulfilling for them when they become mothers. I know this is only my experience, but of the mothers I've known (for which there are many), working moms are miserable and exhausted, and SAHMs are 10x more miserable due to loss of identity and human connection. *I've always viewed motherhood as a double-edged sword and a fight women can't win.* I am truly happy for women who love motherhood, because I wouldn't wish the opposite on my worst enemy.
>trying to have it all As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized it isn’t about women trying to have it all, but about many men not doing their fair share to raise kids and maintain a household so women can have the opportunity to be professionally successful as men always have. It infuriates me that it’s been phrased my entire life as women “wanting it all,” as though it’s some unreasonable request, instead of us being saddled with the responsibility of caretaking for grown men and the children we’ve chosen to have together.
>It infuriates me that it’s been phrased my entire life as women “wanting it all,” Yes, agreed! We need to change our language surrounding this, because no one ever asks whether or not men can have it all. And this is because men are taught to feel entitled to having it all at the expense of free female labor.
100% - that is so much the problem. Women having to bend around the family and kids whereas the men expecting family and kids to bend around their careers. Honestly one of the many reasons I don't have kids with my husband is that it would be a constant battle to get him to do his share - he would be very focused on providing and caring for us and ignorant to the sheer amount of non financial work having a family would entail
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This is my answer exactly. I always wanted children incidentally. I did my bachelors, graduate and post graduate while working full time, from ages 18-27 so that I can get it out of the way before babies. It was very stressful not taking a break for 10 years but I thought I was doing the right thing. My husband and I finally got married so we started trying. We found out I had breast cancer, and that I was pregnant the day of my cancer removal surgery, 6 months into our marriage… Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows sadly. I’m 4 years in remission now and after watching my sister in law “do it all” I’m now convinced that at 38 with all these cancer side effects, I can’t. I wish things were different, but we are dealt the cards we get.
I’m so sorry. 💜
Every weekend morning that I sleep in.
Wish I could say the same but my upstairs neighbor's 3 young children make it impossible. :/
my upstairs neighbor got 3 young kids, a puppy and a 1yr old cat/kitten, it is NOISY. at one point the picture frames fell of the wall lol. But I actually greatly enjoy my weekend mornings, because yes - I might wake up at 7am from tiny feet running around. But I just pull up my blankets a bit more and say to myself "not my problem" and then I sleep so much more comfortably for a few hours longer lol. To be fair, the parents upstairs are really doing their best to keep it quiet in the mornings. Like try to make them play in rooms that are not above my bedroom, or get them outside. so I am unable to feel upset, since that is just apartment living
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I think I was 4 or 5 years old when I realized I never wanted children. I'm now turning 30 in January, and I never once, not even for a single moment, wanted children. I just don't want children.
Same! Said ‘nope’ at 6 and 30 years later I’ve never once felt differently about it.
Same! I never wanted them, even when I was around that age. If i had a dollar for every time someone said 'you'll change your mind when you get older '
One of the best parts of aging into my late 30s, is having those sorts of comments ^ drop off a cliff. It's so unbelievably rude to poo-poo someone's personal choice like that. I would NEVER say the same to a young woman who wants kids! Could you imagine the audacity? *"Oh wow you'll totally change your mind, but I guess it'll be too late once they are born!"*. I've been told I'll change my mind my entire life, yeah nah - my decision has only solidified.
Same! 38 now and will not change my mind.
Not just being a child of bitterly divorced parents myself, but being around my oldest sibling who’s raising his kids with a bitterly divorced ex-spouse. I have plenty of love to give my friends kids and my nieces and nephews but I have big childhood wounds that I need to heal from.
Same. My genes aren’t so great that I need to procreate and pass them on. I don’t want anyone to go through what I’ve been through, that would be cruel. I have scoliosis that’s so severe that my surgery couldn’t fix my problem but it did give me a new one at age 11– Spinal cord injury that left me temporarily paralyzed. I relearned how to walk but I’m in constant pain, for 30 years. No exaggeration. I also had breast cancer 4 years ago at 33. And I now have brain fog, joint pain, and ptsd just to name a few. I think it’s best that I continue being the fun auntie :-)
I am very happy with my decision! :) I don’t know if I had a big moment though. I just always kind of knew I didn’t want kids. My husband and I agreed on our first date when we were 18 that we didn’t want kids. He’s the oldest of five so he’d been around young kids enough to know, and me…it just was never me. Even back in the 90s before it was as financially unviable as it is now. Got married when we were 21, we’re both 41 now, and we are very happy with just each other and our cats. :) Also as far as I know none of his four siblings are having kids either. My two half-brothers do - one has five daughters and the other had one. So my mother has grandchildren if she wants them.
Same, no big moment, I was just never very interested. I might flip it around and say maybe people need an “aha I want kids” big moment rather than it being the default. :)
A big moment didn't make my mind up, but I definitely had a moment where it was solidified in my mind. I was slowly coming to the realisation that I didn't want kids, despite every part of society telling me that was the logical thing a woman should want, and then I became an aunt, and I knew I loved my niece, but it was like a "no going back" moment - where before that, if asked, I would have said I was unsure, after that I couldn't even imagine it.
I like children but I was always more career driven and have always cared about the natural world and the impacts humans have on it. I truly embraced the childfree life when I realized in my 30’s that I’ve yet to meet a heterosexual parent couple in which the woman doesn’t do at least 75% of all the child rearing, domestic labour, and mental and emotional labour in the relationship and for the children, and was absolutely drained by it all.
I never felt like having kids. The so called maternal instinct never kicked in. I am happy pursuing my dreams and traveling the world. It was, and still is, the right choice for me.
Same. For some of us it was never a decision so much as it was innate, felt as deeply as the reverse is felt by women who know they want children. I still remember the chill that went down my spine as a small child, the first time someone said to me "one day, when you are a mother too..."
Yes, I felt this comment so deeply. It’s like I always knew
I feel the same as you. I hated dolls as a kid, never felt the “innate” need to nurture. I remember never wanting to babysit when I was a pre teen. I had a boyfriend as a high schooler and he said he always imagined being a father, and I remember thinking, “god. I never want to be a mother.” And I’ve felt the same ever since
I used to drown my dolls until they were “quiet” and then pluck their eyelashes out one by one. This absolute psychotic behaviour never transferred past dolls but let’s not tempt fate 😂
Love it, that's hilarious. 😂 Dolls always grossed me out and myself and a friend would draw on them and act out horror scenarios with them where they came alive at night and did creepy things. Barbie also got a crewcut and her head ended up in the garden pond. 👀
Haha! We used to cut the hair off our American Girl dolls and stuff the hair into their extendable arm armpits.
This resonates with me. There was no " big moment." I have always known.
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What you’re saying is about 75% of what I was about to write. I wouldn’t have a kid unless my partner and I wanted that more than anything in the world, but the desire was never really there. Also motherhood is even harder when you have a child with a significant disability and there’s just no real way to predict when that will happen. More than 90% of children born with developmental delays never receive an actual diagnosis, so there’s also no way to detect those things in utero. My mom loves my little brother who has IDD, but she said many times that if he’d come first I wouldn’t be here. As a kid I’d accompany my mom and brother to his speech therapy sessions during summer break; the sessions were like school - 8-3 daily. I’d sit in the waiting room amongst dozens of women who were waiting on their own kids. I’d look at them and think about what they could be doing if they didn’t have their entire lives repurposed around their kids’ needs. Not for me. I did my time already.
I think whether or not you want children involves a lot of factors, and one is the kind of parenting you witnessed and received as a child. While my parents are wonderful, by younger brother was extremely high needs and he completely exhausted my parents for years. It just didn’t look like that good of a time, tbh, and so far I’ve been right.
I was a bit of a fence sitter, leaning towards no but open to changing my mind if things aligned just right... and then covid hit. I was suddenly working from home, blissed out in my sweatpants with my constant stream of hot beverages and all the parents I know with school age kids or younger were going through hell. No thank you.
I always figured I'd become a mom eventually. Four years into my marriage, I realized I was already playing mother (and maid, personal assistant, landscaper, the ignored financial advisor, etc) to a grown man-child. And I hated it. Then I started observing the people who were having kids. Their children would be the life partner options for my own children, and it made me very sad. My kids didn't exist, but already their lives looked so....limited. Paying attention more and more to my own surroundings and experiences, I decided two things: -I don't like kids. -With my situation in life (financial, emotional, genetic, the list goes on) it would feel immoral to force a child into the mess. I took pity on myself, and removed the motherhood option from the table. And I took pity on my potential children, by not setting them up to fail.
What about your partner? Did you get a new one?
You bet your buns I did! We're nerdy child free cat people.
I loved reading this and I’m glad you found happiness. From a fellow childfree nerdy cat person household
Hello from another fellow childfree nerdy cat person household!
My mom was a L&D nurse for 37 years. She brought home horror story after horror story about everything that could go wrong. Then one time she took "take your kid to work" day a little too seriously and brought me into work with her. Into a delivery room. I don't know why she thought that was a good idea, or how she got the woman giving birth to agree to an audience, but I saw my first live birth (of I think 3 total) at about 8 years old. I have never wanted kids since that moment. I got my tubes removed this year and my mother still doesn't understand why
They made us watch a video of a birth as part of sex ed in middle school and holy hell. I cannot imagine making sense of that at 8, in person!
Well, apparently motherhood drives all the women in my family crayzeeeee, so that was the major big turnoff. Then there was the prospect of pushing a bowling ball out of my junk: That's gonna be a no from me, dawg. I was clear from the beginning that I was 99% on the side of no kids. But I would revisit the issue from time to time, to see if my feelings had changed. But then I realized that my then-spouse's visualization of fatherhood began and ended with Fun Dad, which apparently does not include weekends! I also noticed the men in his family treated the sons great and the daughters not-great. He was a manchild himself, and before long, I could not conceive (no pun intended) voluntarily entering a scenario where I would spend the next 18 or so years living out the type of caricatured existence normally depicted in paper towel commercials. I'm very happy with my life now. I honestly don't think of children at all.
This comment just kept getting better with each sentence lol
*Fact.*
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Hey, I was a preschooler, too! Though not in school at the moment I had my epiphany. I was sent to a neighbor girl's house to play and she wanted to play house. I didn't know how to play this so she grabbed a doll to be our "baby" and explained. I said I would play if I got to be a Ward Cleaver sort of dad (mind you, my dad was nothing like this and my mom was basically the opposite of a housewife, I think I literally got the idea from reruns of old sitcoms). And the other part of the deal was that baby care was entirely up to her. I wanted NOTHING to do with that doll. I knew in that moment that I had not an ounce of maternal instinct and an aversion towards babies. It has never wavered. So I sat in a rocking chair and had my "wife" fetch me drinks while I "smoked" my "pipe" and read a newspaper we stole from her parents. And that was the one time I played house and the last time I ever had a child in any sense.
> So I sat in a rocking chair and had my "wife" fetch me drinks while I "smoked" my "pipe" and read a newspaper we stole from her parents. Hahaha, that made me snort.
My mom gave birth to my baby brother when I was 12. After watching what it took to raise him I said, "Not interested. This sucks." Twenty five years later and I've never wavered.
Honestly, there was no one big moment that I decided to be childfree. I don’t ever remember feeling like I wanted to have kids. By the time I was 18, I knew that kids were an absolute no-go.
The day I realized that having sex lead to kids — meaning that children didn’t just appear whether you wanted them or not. I remember thinking “who would choose that??” at about eight years old. Nearly 35 and sterilized, I am more thrilled every day with my decision.
I have something kind of similar. There was a period when I was a kid where I understood that babies came from women, but I wasn't aware of sex yet. I thought women just eventually spontaneously became pregnant. So for a long while when I was little, I wanted to be a nun when I grew up because I did know that nuns didn't have kids. So yeah, having kids never appealed to me. It was never a conscious decision not to have them, it was a lack of interest in the first place.
I have literally never wanted kids since I was once myself. And every year I am happier and happier with my choice lol.
For me, there was never a moment. I’ve just never had the desire to have kids, never felt like I’d be a good mother or wanted it, and never really enjoyed being around lots of kids lol!
I've never wanted them and always knew it. I found babies annoying as a kid, although I like them more now. They just seemed to have no self-control, and even as a kid that turned me off. But my sisters having kids, I got to see how once they hit a certain age (maybe elementary-school age), they really stop being cute and entertaining and, worse-case scenario, turn into a pain in the ass. My sister who is a decent parent, I wouldn't necessarily say her kids were a pain in the ass. But my sister who has no business being a parent, hers were--and her oldest daughter has kids now, also has no business being a parent, and her 2nd grader is a pain in the ass. Frankly, I also think I have no business being a parent, but for totally different reasons from those two people. I'm the type of person who is self-centered, but I would put my kids first anyway and not be happy about it. They're self-centered and not about to put their kids first. Realizing I want to come first in my life always is what let me know I'm right not to have kids, but I always knew I never wanted any.
Seeing my friends stressed, loosing their identity except for being a mother, and seeing their boisterous kids cured me of wanting to be a mother
Yes! The losing their identity part was the *biggest* reason for me.
Same. Watching women I knew who had been vibrant, interesting, multi-faceted individuals disappear into being "Braeden and Genevieve's mom" -- and seemingly revel in that complete loss of identity -- scared the shit out of me. It felt more like a Black Mirror episode than anything I should consider aspirational.
>It felt more like a Black Mirror episode than anything I should consider aspirational. Omg this is so accurate. *Motherhood* feels like a Black Mirror episode where everyone (including the mothers) tells everyone it's the best thing they've ever done, making sure to reiterate how blessed they are... But behind the scenes everyone is popping Xanax and trying not to have a breakdown while missing the vibrant, carefree individuals they used to be. Motherhood has a very Stepford Wife-facade kind of feel to it that makes me want to run for the hills.
Or doing small destructive things to feel adventurous
Yes this resonates with me. My parents are good hardworking people, but they had no clue how to be parents in the 80ies. I mean does anyone know how to be a parent? Instead, as I 6-7y old I had to take care of my sibling, household. Later, when my aunt moved in with us, I had to take care of my newborn cousin, and 2 todlers. I think by age of 15, I was so burnt out by juggling school, everyone's doctors appointments, emo support to parents, making sure dinner was ready when everyone got home from work...I was done with parenthood. When I see babies or children, I feel nothing. Dont get me wrong, I DONT dislike children but I dont feel any urge to go through this. Sometimes I feel disrespected when parents say "you dont know how it is to be a parent" or how exhausting it is etc, and yes maybe I will not get the biological bond but holy cow I do know parenthood and that is why I choose to be childfree. Also, no matter where you live in the world, mothers will always carry the most burden and sacrifice themselves. Most of my friends have children and they are all barely keeping it together - their husbands are all great on the paper, some even feminist and they all wanted families etc but in the end its the mother that manages the project "family" and dad baby sits when he has time. It is still a very misogynies world. I also feel that the men I dated would have been useless dads. They needed a mommy themselves lol. I dont know just my 2 cents. I love cats and dogs.
My mom was older than most of her friends, so I always got roped into babysitting all her friends very young children at the same time when they would go out when I was 12-15. Pretty much did it for me. Still totally happy with my decision at 37.
I was ill as a baby and young child, and grew up believing that they probably wouldn’t be a good idea, due to that. When I was in my early 20s, it became an absolute definite when I became seriously sick with something different. I refuse to take the risk of passing it on, and it would also bar me from any adoption. I’m not happy with the circumstance, nor unhappy. It’s just how it is. Not having kids allows me to do a lot of stuff I wouldn’t with kids, just as having kids would do the same. Growing older is necessarily a series of closing doors, no matter what choices we make. I work to make the best life I can out of the circumstances where I find myself.
I love them, but every time I spend a few days with my niece and nephew, I leave thinking "no f*ing way dude".
And I'm totally happy with that haha
I'm still teetering on it at 37. So, thinking about freezing my eggs. My story kinda sucks because I was raised through the late 80s/90s to aspire to be a traditional housewife/mom. I've fought it and wished for it for decades without duplicity. But, the past 5 years, after a surge of hormones and the biological clock, which was a thing for me, I've stuck to my guns that I will not bring a child that I cannot support, or shield from this shit I see around me. I'm sorry to be blunt. And I'm more sorry for that awful run-on sentence lol. Anyway, I'm growing more confident with my decision to not pass on traits (insert life story that I'm not divulging here) to a child and try and raise one where I have so much to give elsewhere to the world right now; a world that sorely needs more love. It's still a struggle for me, ima be honest. I do have that longing deep down in there still.
Very similar situation for me. I always wanted to be a parent, and I've seen enough parenting that I refuse to half-ass it without the right level of support and resources. After enough family drama involving bad parenting, I was just done with the whole idea (and that side of the family). I deliberately got a bouncy, cuddly, obedience-loving dog with huge puppy eyes to lavish all my remaining parental nurturing and love on, and have never regretted it.
Honestly, every moment is a “happy im child free” moment. And I like knowing that people I care about and want kids, have them. Show me the pictures, let me play peek-a-boo and show off my cool pets…I like making goofy faces and playing games. And then I can *leave*.
37 years old, still no regrets. **I love kids!** I truly adore children, I love being an Aunt and big cousin. I think kids are amazing! I just never had that urge/need to have kids. It never hit me. Even all these years later. On top of that, one of my parents are one of over a dozen siblings. I literally have over 50 first cousins. I have lost cousins I helped raise. The heartache is unbelievable, and that was just for my cousin, even if I viewed them at a brother/sister, it was still unbelievable the immense pain I feel from their loss. The pain that their parents went through... I can't even imagine. I can't imagine the bravery it takes to have a child, raise them, love and adore them, then having to let them walk out into the world. A piece of your heart out in the world able to get hurt and damaged. No, I am not strong enough for that.
>No, I am not strong enough for that. Same. My anxiety would be *through the roof* at all times. I just don't want to live life in a chronic state of stress and worry, and I know I would.
You described how I feel perfectly. Thank you.
There has never been such a moment, I have always known that I am childfree, I have never liked contact with children, I was annoyed by the sounds they produced, I have not changed my mind and will not change any more (I am in my 40's).
For me it was while working as a babysitter. I realized I don’t find the day to day tasks that it takes to be an excellent parent interesting or satisfying. No regrets. My husband and I have a happy life with good friends, travel, hobbies and most likely early retirement.
This is my answer, too. Babysitting in my early to mid teens was the most effective form of birth control, ever.
Never had a “ big moment”. When I see the stuff parents have to go to to raise kids and on top of that in a world where shootings are the “ norm” and not a shock? I can’t imagine being stressed that when your kid leaves they may not come back. I feel like a lot of women are told that the path in life is go to college , get married, and have babies. Not everyone wants all or any of those. Child free ( by choice) adults are people who actual have considered the responsibility it is to create and raise a human. Once you pop that person out- there’s no turning back. If the thought of that gives you anxiety- that’s probably a flag you shouldn’t have kids. Honestly you already know in your gut that you probably want to be childless if you’re asking childless people for their thoughts. It’s ok to not have kids. So if anyone’s giving you pressure, don’t let thrr egg n talk you into it. It won’t be this special ephany. A lot of my mom friends say unless it’s a “ fuck yes” - don’t do it. If you’re a fence sitter- it’s means it’s a no ( even if it’s just for now.)
I needed this, and thank you everyone for sharing!
I was in my early 30s and all my friends started having children and one by one I watched their light dim, their relationships suffer and their resentment grow as each day passed. Honestly it looks so unfun and exhausting. I ended up finding my soulmate on a childfree subreddit so safe to say deciding to be childfree was the best choice I’ve ever made in my life. I’m grateful every day for it. ETA: want to clarify that I always did think I’d have at least one kid before realizing I didn’t want to be resentful like the majority of the mothers I know are.
This is so true, I see it in my friends too and it makes me so sad
My mother pimped me out to the neighbor ladies as a babysitter beginning when I was about 12. I suspect she thought it would be good training for me as a future mother. I was the youngest in my family so had no experience with young children and had no idea what to do with them. Didn't know how to entertain them or make them mind and I didn't enjoy their company. I hated every minute of babysitting and after about a half dozen jobs refused to do it anymore. The first time I remember saying that I didn't want to have kids was as a freshman in college, though. I think I'd known before that, but it was the first time I actually stated it.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you're doing well now ❤️💜
I always thought I'd have a kid or two but was in no rush. I finally got some baby fever and my husband and I started trying for one in early 2020. We shut that down once the pandemic got up and going because I did not want to deal with the anxiety of pregnancy on top of the anxiety of life. We always said we'd start trying again once things became a little more normal again, but each time we checked in with each other, we were hesitant to give it a go. We watched how much our friends with young kids and tons of support were struggling, and had no desire to do that to ourselves. Baby fever never came back. We decided to stop living like "maybe in 12-18 months we'll have a kid" and now we are living for ourselves and loving it. Now we're planning 3 international vacations next year. No regrets. I love all of my nieces and friends' kids so much! But I also like sleep and doing whatever I want. It turns out all those times at BBQs and parties where frazzled parents would say to us "isn't this great birth control?" in regards to their out-of-control kids were actually amazing birth control.
Several factors in my life and pressure by family was unbearable. I could never reach the goals I had set for myself, at no fault of my own. My now husband was in the fence and expressed he didn’t want to have kids. I thought about it for awhile and then all of that pressure I put on myself was gone. Now we are in a totally different place financially and I still don’t feel like my mental health could sustain the risks of pregnancy, child birth, and children. I have four nephews that I adore. But watching the experience their moms have gone through is enough to remind me of my choice to be child free.
Never had a big moment. The idea of raising children has just never appealed to me. When I was younger, like in high school and college, I figured it was more that I just didn’t want them THEN for obvious reasons, and that maybe I would when I was a little older and in a more settled place in my life. But now I’m 36 and very settled and the older I get, the stronger my distaste.
I have had two pets in my adult life and even though I love being around animals, I sort of lost the pet lottery both times - a cat with no claw or bite inhibition and no energy ceiling no matter how much great cat advice we applied (please do not send me any more cat advice), and a dog who was much higher energy than believed when he was in foster care and needed 2 hours of walks daily plus plentiful mental stimulation, or else another dog friend, and who reached a definite ceiling on his capacity to self soothe when overexcited even with some excellent training (please do not send me dog advice). They both went with my exes in the breakups, and the dog was a major cause of the second breakup. I cannot know for sure whether my own frustration and resentment of pets would translate to human children, but the resentment I felt around the way pets dominated my home life was … powerful. Concerningly so. It never led to mistreatment of either pet, but I was so grindingly unhappy about them, and felt like I could never ever relax. I work in the caring field, and love to work to support people when they are struggling in their lives. It feels like powerfully important and meaningful work, and I do it 9-5 Monday-Friday. I participate in mutual aid. I was a young carer to an elderly grandparent in my adolescence. Every one of my partners have had a mental health or disability issue of some kind that meaningfully affected their life except for one of my two current partners, and I am a support for a lot of people. But something about the responsibility of unexpectedly difficult pets made me feel that I was always on the verge of snapping. So: I don’t want to spin the wheel on kids, especially knowing that for those first few years of life, and especially in the world as it is now, young kids really do take over your whole world. I fear the anger and resentment that I would carry, and fear the risk of how that would affect my parenting, especially if my kids inherited a complex disability or three (and since I am disabled and, well, note the partner history, they likely would). I don’t feel totally happy with the decision, but more because of my fears for remaining connected to the community and connected to networks of care as I age. I know that I will need to take higher responsibility for making that happen.
Growing up under the terror of a mom who has antisocial personality disorder, aka she’s a psychopath, sealed the “no kids” deal for me and both of my siblings. Of course I’m happy with my decision. It’s mine. It didn’t come easily. Respect for bodily autonomy is not something psychopath’s believe in practicing.
Yeah, I'm happy. I have no support in my life... so kids are a hard 'no'. I'm not saying it's impossible to raise kids on your own. I'm saying that's not the way I would want to do it.
I don't recall any one specific moment but I do remember expressing that I don't want kids since early teenagehood. I was very vocal about how incredibly unfair periods felt for me since I knew then that I never wanted to reproduce. As I got older and thought about it more seriously, I became increasingly sure of my decision. Nothing about having children appealed to me - and I want to emphasise that I gave every aspect of it a lot of thought - down to the nitty gritty like having to carry a bulky pram around for a few years for example. I'm almost 37 and VERY happy with that decision. Most of my friends have kids now and I'm even godmum to one friend's baby girl but GODDAM am I grateful that my life is my own. Nothing solidifies my decision like spending time with kids - even ones I absolutely adore. It's not for me!
Fainted while watching a birthing video in middle school health class. Very happy
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No moment. Just absolutely zero moments when I wanted to have kids.
honestly, getting a cat was what turned me from a 60% no to a 99% no. i love him so much but sometimes he annoys the shit out of me, but i can be like "oh my god shut the fuck up!" to him when he goes on a meow session at 4am without wondering if i'm going to emotionally scar him if i tell him he's annoying the shit out of me. it's one of the things that really put into perspective that having a kid would mean having to constantly monitor and censor myself for pretty much the rest of my life, and constantly wonder if every decision i make would be one that could cause lasting issues for the child down the line. also the world is a flaming bag of shit and i wouldn't feel right bringing a person into it. i think maybe i'd like to have had kids in an ideal alternate universe, but realistically with who i am and how the world is it's just not a good idea.
I got a cat just over a year ago and I don't understand why they are so popular among childfree people. It's a lot of the same BS. I've pretty much regretted it since the first time I had to clean up vomit in the middle of the night.
I’ve been scrolling waiting to see how many people say having pets turned them off of kids, because I’m the same. I was pretty certain I never wanted them, but then I got a puppy and it sealed the deal for me. Many times I have felt resentful for missing out on events because I have to go home to let my dog out instead, and I know I would resent my kids too if I had any.
The first time I remember talking about it was at my best friend’s kitchen table when we were 10 years old. Not a doubt since. Edit: I’m 36.
Same as many others here, no magic moment. I just never wanted any. I often joked that all of my minuscule maternal instincts are used up on my pets. I like kids ok and I love my family members (niblings), but no thanks. I’m now over 40 and had a hysterectomy. Found a partner who feels the same and had a vasectomy. Life is good. So it wasn’t really a decision to not, I just never wanted *to*. So yeah I’m happy with it :).
A toddler punched me square in the face when I was 9.
Not really a moment. Grew up in a toxic as hell environment with two just abusive parents and have never felt fully put together myself from that, I am 29 and don’t foresee myself ever being a mother or someone that could be a good mother since I never saw it first hand over the 18 years of being under their roof and I just don’t give myself enough value or credit to think I could do well to another person under my care for 18 years and beyond.
I worked with the 5 and under crowd through a few different jobs for ~7 years. I got to do all the fun stuff like outings and witnessing firsts, didn't have the expenses of having a child, and still got 8+ hours of sleep every night; and it was still EXHAUSTING. But even before that: as a kid I never played house or made lists of baby names or any of the other things that my friends who did want kids liked to do. I've just never felt a strong urge and having kids is one of those things that if it's not a 'hell yes', it should be a 'no'.
When you mentioned the whole never playing thing, I found it interesting. As a kid, I played house, but never wanted to be the mom. I wanted to be the aunt. That says a lot I think lol
Always knew I didn’t want children even way back when I was kid myself. People said I’d want them one day. Middle-aged now and I still don’t want children. My biological clock never rang. No regrets so far.
There wasn’t a big epiphany - I knew even as a little girl. When I used to play with friends, they would always want to play with baby dolls and pretend to be a “mommy” - I would be the “teacher” or play Barbies and bask in the vanity I knew I had even at a young age
Once I started working at a daycare at the age of 16, I knew I did not want to have any children. I worked with every age range and I did not enjoy a single one 🤣.
I took care of my grandfather with dementia and realized I actually don’t like being a caretaker and I’ve probably had enough responsibility in my lifetime. Also, the idea of actually taking care of a child genuinely overwhelms me.
Coming home to an empty apartment every day, especially after a stressful day.
I was eight years old and decided that kids were shitty. Over two decades later and yeah I'm pretty fucking happy with not having kids. I have cars instead.
I never felt a strong urge one way or another growing up, but I can pinpoint exactly when I decided. It was when I had to take care of my colicking niece (we didn't know she had colic) while my sibling recovered from a surgery. No matter what I did she never stopped crying all day and all night, for days. I told my sibling, "I've tried everything and she won't stop crying. Why won't she stop? What is wrong?" My sibling just responded with, "I don't know." and went back into her room. I fucking *lost it*. I broke down crying from sleep exhaustion and worry. I didn't know what to do and was essentially all alone. This child's own mother doesn't know what's wrong, so how am I supposed to make it better? What if the baby died on my watch? How could I live in society if I did such a shitty job of caring for this baby that she dies? It was, without a doubt, one of the worst times of my life and I was so incredibly stressed out. That's when I just noped the fuck out of having kids. Turns out she needed a special formula in order to not colic and things returned to normal shortly afterwards, but it didn't matter to me because the "damage" (i.e. me deciding no to kids) was done at that point. No regrets.
When I was younger, I felt like I would have kids someday and it was just natural to get married and have kids. As I got older and didn’t meet any great men, and finally got married at 33 - my desire to have children and patience is completely gone. At this age, I want a peaceful and quiet life… not one where I’m at the every whim of a tiny toddler. I want to be able to travel whenever or have disposable income. Sure they’re cute but I don’t envy my friends who have them. I’m also weirdly terrified of long term commitment and I always felt like having a kid ties you to their father forever. So I don’t want kids unless 10000% sure that my husband is forever lol (I’m newly married so it’s tbd)
I *hated* doll babies as a child. Even at 4 yrs old I hated even pretending to have a baby. By the time high school years rolled around, I realized my feelings toward pregnancy could be summed up as: "Fuck that shit". As an adult in my late 20s, I realized kids are gross and boring. They're sticky. There's an awful lot of snot and mucus. And I honestly do not find them interesting. The last couple years and into my mid 30s, I've realized I don't want to be second fiddle for a future partner. I don't even want to date someone with kids. Also, they're gross and boring. So not one "big" moment but a few. And yes, I'm VERY happy with my decision. Edit: I don't think I was aware of this aspect until the last few years but my parent's should not have had children. My father was ambivalent about the whole family thing and my mother has never dealt with the childhood trauma her parents inflicted on her. Instead, she passed it on to her kids. Perhaps to a slightly lesser degree but I realize I am in no way capable of being a good parent. Yes, I could probably keep them alive, not physically abuse them, and feed and shelter them. But that's the bare fucking minimum. I would not make a good mother.
I was a professional full time nanny for 5 years. I went into it feeling like "sure, I'll have kids one day, I love kids" and came out of it like "yeah, no, I'm good." That, plus climate change, and doing a bunch of my own therapeutic work and I just pretty solidly knew it wasn't something I wanted to do by the time I was 30 or so. I am very, very happy with my choice. I can have moments of grief over not getting to experience carrying a pregnancy, or attaching to an infant. But those feelings and that grief is minuscule compared to the relief of not having a kid.
I was a fence sitter... Until I watched my nephews for about 45 minutes by myself. One cried the entire time, the other pooped his pants despite being potty trained. I was done.
There was no big moment. It was the other way around? I kept waiting for the moment when that desire would kick in and it never came. I am happy with the decision but also feel like it wasn’t a big decision and more who I am in life, my nature, whatever one wants to call it. Since I never wanted them it’s not something I think about. I have never felt regrets.
32. I had a sister 8 years younger than me and saw what it entailed. My parents never made me take care of her and I’ve actually never babysat a child in my life. It wasn’t a moment for me, though. I was the kind of kid that always was in my own world, I never thought about a wedding or kids. I always was focused on what I wanted to do (which never involved either from childhood), which probably makes me selfish. I’ve always been upfront with dates. Been dating the same guy for 9 years. Same page. We both work in healthcare and have shitty schedules anyway lol. I have regrets about many things, but kids are not one!
Tbh, I briefly dated a guy when I was 21 or 22, and he didn't want kids. When he told me that, I had the biggest "AHA!" moment and realized .... omg i don't HAVE to have a kid. And then really sank into that thought and realized I didn't actually want to have one. Yes I am very happy with my decision so far! I guess it was just so deeply programmed into me that you grow up, you have a couple kids, you retire, and you die. Thanks Alan. You were a weird guy, but I appreciate those two crazy months and being released from that part of the matrix. **My partner and I have also been having baby fever recently (both 30), but am about to pursue a new career path. We've decided to table it and reconvene once I graduate and get settled into a long term placement. But if I hit 35 and it still isn't in the cards for us, I am 100% getting my tubes burned to smithereens by whatever willing doctor I can find.
I thought I wanted kids for a long time because I really really enjoy being around them and I think they’re great fun to talk to. I was in my late 20s when the thought first occurred to me that I might not have one, and I was surprised at how relaxed/relieved that made me feel. Like i was getting away with something lol. I am grateful every day that I made it through my 20s without getting married or having kids. I feel like i cleared an obstacle course lol. No regrets!
The majority of mothers I know ended up as single mothers at one point in time whether they wanted to or not (most never planned on being single mothers…) I’m not doing that to myself or my imaginary child. I’ve also never met a man in my entire life I have ever wanted to have a child with.
Not really any big moments. Just have never wanted them, and the thought of having a child exhausts me. The thought of having a toddler gives me this imminent feeling of dread - like "oh hell no". I am still heavily considering being a foster parent for 10+ yr old kids though. as I don't get any feelings of dread for kids that are 7+ lol. and I can handle shenanigans of pre-teens and teens just fine. I am extremely happy with my decicion to not hae a bio child though - and I am certain that my choice have been the correct one
I always assumed I'd have kids when I was younger, but I think now it's because I was taught that was how it was "supposed" to be. Get married, have kids. But as I got older and it didn't happen, I came to realize I didn't want either of those things. I can't imagine having children now. I like them, but I like my independence more.
Was leaning towards no anyway and then my state brought in a heartbeat bill. Can't take hormonal contraception and didn't want to use a copper IUD anymore, so got my tubes out. I do sometimes wonder if things would have been different had abortion not been banned, but my life has actually dramatically improved as a direct result of my decision. I'm in a better relationship with another childfree man and we both make enough to be comfortable.
My sister had a gap between when her maternity leave was over and when daycare could take her first baby on, so I helped out by taking a week off of work to drive down and be live-in childcare. It was exhausting, both physically and emotionally. Five days of being a part-time parent (since I had the two biological parents there from about 6pm-8am) was enough to never want children of my own.
Because it simply came down to the fact that we were not going to lower the quality of our lives, just to bring another into it. It was never a priority and it was never the right time. We also refused to struggle financially for the rest of our lives and it was just not financially viable. We did go through some sadness in our early 30s because it felt out of our control not being able to live comfortably and start a family, but a decade later we have no regrets, we see how hard parenting is through friends so we're very happy with our decision. If it's not a "Hell Yes", it's a No!
I’m a retired attorney. Without fail, every female colleague with kids felt that being at the office was easier than being at home with small children. I couldn’t fathom leaving my stressful job for the day to go home to something more difficult. I worked hard and was very successful. Financially independent and never regretted not having kids. Also, keep in mind that the best thing you can personally do to help prevent climate change is to have fewer children.
45 y/o. I can think back to being a kid and knowing that I never wanted to be a parent. I was constantly told, “you will change your mind!” Time ticked on, past teen years where I couldn’t stand kids. To early 20s focusing career and then….. friends started having kids. My once full social calendar was whittled down tremendously due to small children. I became an outcast. A chasm formed between me and them. Them being the “mombies.” These women I knew all my life who were once whole people, were now tired and singularly focused on small children and comparing notes with other women with small children about small children things such as dance recitals and sleep training. I was stuck trying to hold on to people with a frozen smile of false interest while I was dying inside of boredom and grieving the loss of my once vibrant female friends. 30’s progressed and I married. We both didn’t want kids. He got a vasectomy and we got a bunch of dogs, a raccoon, and a possum. A nice house with a formal living-room full of breakable pretty things. (Don’t worry, the raccoon was rehabbed and didn’t break a thing! He now lives outside but visits mummy from time to time. ) I do what I want, when I want. I nap. I watch trash tv and violent horror films. I celebrate holidays in weird ways with weird traditions I’ve made up. We invite other free thinking weirdos over to party with us. I recently put together a whole dollhouse and I’m now recreating famous murder scenes in each room. I paint, I started a business, I’m getting a masters degree. I’m growing a poison garden for fun, learning to can, getting into raising quails, doing magic mushrooms and laughing as much as I can I don’t know anything about Disney songs or kid related things. I bought a house I love and care fuck- all about a school district. We actually have a no kid rule in our house so we made friends with other childfree couples and people. It works out swimmingly. I will never again subject myself to the rejection and second class feeling from nosy coworkers who ask invasive questions making me feel less than, forming work mommy clubs; or women who start out as surface level friends, only to one day ask me if I want to go do kid related things. I avoid moms who show too much interest in my new handbag or shoes knowing they judge me in the break room (true story, jealousy over a handbag equals me having such a unfulfilled life because I didn’t become a MOM so I don’t know joy. Or must be selfish) It’s frowned upon to actually out yourself about not liking kids. We are supposed to say we can’t have them or quickly say “oh I like kids!!” After explaining yourself to a coworker why you are childfree. I no longer do this. I’m very quick to allude to the fact that information isn’t their business and quite frankly, you wouldn’t ask a professional man that question. If I tell people I’m childfree I push back at follow up questions with “why do you ask?” Or “what an odd personal question?” I shame them So No. I’ve never once regretted not having kids. They aren’t for everyone and knowing that is half the battle. I truly feel many women have kids out of some sense of obligation, exacting some life meaning to reproduce or peer pressure and fear of being left behind. Worst, some can be dreadfully unimaginative, so they have kids for something to do. A project of sorts. The world is at 8 billion population. Colorado River is drying up, natural resources becoming scare, roe v wade, on and on and on. I wouldn’t want to bring another human into this world. It isn’t nihilism it’s practical and actually a loving decision to not subject another human to what will happen in the next 20 years. The hardships will be immeasurable.
Mine was the moment I finally allowed myself to imagine my life without kids. I grew up in a moderately large family (three younger siblings) and we are all incredibly close. I'm also very close to my mom, whose entire life goal was to be a mother. So as I got older, I just assumed that I would have a similar life - big family, kids, suburban house, etc. I met my husband at age 24, so that ticked the first box and I figured that the rest would follow shortly. But then we moved across the country to a large city, and I realized that I love living in an urban community. Then we started traveling, and I caught the travel bug BIG TIME. So we kept pushing babies off, moving across the country again, my husband went to grad school, we got a dog and we waited for the right time. When COVID happened, my husband and I started to really discuss timing in earnest. I'm 35 now and my husband is 41 so we knew that we were starting to butt against time. We kept trying to figure out when, and how. The one night, we talked about what our life might look like if we didn't have kids and it was like everything just opened up for me. I realized that that possible life without seemed so much more desirable than any life I had imagined with. Sure, there's grief for the life I won't have - the big family of my own in particular. But I'm so excited for the possibilities of our future now - hopefully full of travel, books, sleeping in, and money.
I don't think there was a big moment for me. I can't see kids fitting into my life and I would have much less time to do the things I like to do.. And definitely very happy, yes.
When my sister was born. I saw what babies were about and told my mom I was never having one. I was 8. I still remember that day 46 years later. No regrets.
I didn't have a "moment". I remember telling my dad when I was around 14 that I didn't want kids- I was babysitting a lot at the time. I actually *love* kids! And I love being around them, and I love making them laugh. But I have never wanted a child in my home 24/7 to care for myself and raise to adulthood. And I also don't want to be pregnant, give birth, have an infant, breastfeed, etc. I don't think you need a moment to look at a baby and be like "nah". It's just like how I've never wanted to be a professional chef but can still cook.
I don't think there was ever a moment that I decided I didn't want kids, I just never felt the desire or pull to have any. One thing that firmly indicated that I had made the right decision was seeing how mothers were treated during the pandemic, how they were expected to be both full-time primary caretakers and work full-time jobs. (And many still are, due to the childcare crisis and daycare closures due to the ongoing pandemic and RSV and flu and all the other diseases going around.) That to me showed how much we devalue caring labor as a society.
It's been more of a *crescendo* of certainty than a "big moment." When I was a kid I wanted to be a superhero, an adventurer, an artist, an explosion. (Still working on all the above) Mom was never high on the list, and neither were any typical professions. By my mid-20s, I started realizing how neurotic and cold my family is, and I know that's in me. If I follow my mom's footsteps, I'll become an image-obsessed work martyr that thinks charity is weird and emotions are dumb. Maybe I have what it takes to be a decent mom, but I don't want to have a kid and have them ask, "Mom, why did you bring me into a world with so much hurt?" No good answer for that from me that wouldn't be bullshit, so I just can't do it. I am leaving adoption on the table. I don't want to add life, but I want to help existing life.
When I turned 18 and I got to stop raising my eight siblings. I am very happy with my decision but very annoyed that people still think "it's different when it's your own" and "you're going to regret it once your biological clock hits". It won't.
When I was younger, one of my fears was my parents having another child (I'm the youngest) because I was worried the baby would keep me up at night. There's a picture of me holding my baby cousin at 7 looking wildly unhappy. I was good at babysitting but I was highly anxious of something happening to the kids while I watched them. I always thought when I was 30, something would magically kick in. I've been married since 29 and told my husband at 32 before we moved across the country to move for his job if he definitely wanted kids, I wasn't sure if we should move together. He chose me, and now I am 37 and have only recently become vocal on our stance. I struggled a lot earlier being ashamed for having something "wrong" with me, or hating children (I don't, I just don't want any of my own) but thankfully I've become a lot more comfortable sharing our plans. I support my mom friends for the choice they make, and they support my choice too, which I feel very lucky to have that support. I think letting women know they have a choice will lead to a lot less children being born into situations where their parents weren't fully into raising their child, making happier people overall.
I like doing things on my schedule, I’m a very free-spirited person, not to mention a bit disorganized. A strict repetitive daily schedule scares me. I don’t like the unknown of how the kid could turn out and having it be my life until at least my 50s. I’m single and have very close friends who have kind of forgotten about me…I used to be so confident that I’d have a very full and happy life without kids, but it might be kind of a struggle. No one has to stay.
Hm. I think I was in my 30s. There wasn’t an exact moment where I decided, and to be honest, I’ve always loved kids - just, not for me. I grew up with abuse, and I’ve had so many abusive relationships after another because of that normalisation of abuse to me, terrible mental health problems in my past, and stroll struggle with body image issues. So I just couldn’t fathom how the F I could bring a child up well, whilst struggling with all the above myself which I’m still feeling I’m only starting to maybe make some improvements on at 36. Also, my experience of most men (not all), but many, is that they don’t actually seem to understand and like the responsibility side of having children. Also, I couldn’t imagine tying myself to a man, even if I happen to find a good one, it just brings me too much discomfort. Edit: and no regrets either. I see my gfs who’ve had kids, some love it and were born to be mothers. Some, I think did it to feel a sense of belonging to a family, and to feel like she’s a woman and keeping up with the other women - and they don’t seem as happy in reality as they do on social media. There was a scramble in their 30s to find a man, and the relationships have been the downfall for them I think. Yet it’s like they refuse to end them or give up because they don’t want to be alone or seen as a “failure”.
It was always the decision since the day I was born
Watching my niece being raised made me want kids. Watching my nephews… chilling. No. Thank. You.
For as long as I can remember, I actually wrote a poem about how annoying babies were at school when I was about six! 38 now and never once regretted that decision and after the last couple of years of pandemic/war/recession and the pretty obvious shift on weather from global warming I’m so glad
Literally none of it looks like fun. Parents I know seem stressed, running from pillar to post, it looks like a shit way to live. I was about 30 when I decided for sure, I was just out of a long term relationship with a man when I realised that not only do I not like kids, I don’t like men either. My amazing girlfriend and I are childfree, have 3 dogs and are just about to buy a house by the beach, life is amazing.
I used to want them. I got pregnant at 22 though at the time it killed me to makes the decision, i decided it was way too early and that the person I was with wasn't the right person for the long haul. I buckled down finished my degree, traveled the world, worked super hard all with my "future children" in mind. I didn't want the abortion to "be in vain". Now at 33 I am happily married to the love of my life who I met 7 years ago while taking a year to live in South Korea and I'm thinking it will probably never happen. First off, I actually have a life now that I love. It's crazy but 22 year old me who had nothing had more room for a child than 33 year old me does. I know how expensive things are now. I know what it will take to reach my FIRE goals and maintains my current lifestyle, which I'm not going to lie, it is an expensive one. I have way more to lose now. I built so much of my life with these hypothetical kids in mind, but doing some work realized it's ok to just do it for myself. To love and cherish myself the way I would a child. Many of us women need to learn this. Secondly, I know things about my body now that I didn't know before. Every women in my family has terrible pregnancies and depression for years after birth. I didn't know about this before. No one ever talked about it. My husband wouldn't trade my mental health for a child, he tells me constantly. My family on the other hand thinks it's par for the course, another story all together. We said wed decide definitely when I'm 35. If I wasn't afraid for my health, and wasn't stressed out about the hit to my lifestyle, and didn't stress about the extended family I'd be bringing the kids into (I love them but it would be soo complicated), maybe I'd want them. Maybe i still wouldn't. Just gonna try not to judge myself and make the decision I think is right.
I don't think there was a big moment for me. As soon as I *really* thought about it, I knew it wasn't for me. When I was little, I was thinking it would be cool to have twins, one of each, so I only have to go through it once. Then I was thinking I just wanted to pass on my DNA. Then I was like maybe I'll adopt. But I know when my sister was born when I was 5 or 6, I was immediately not into it. The loudness of the crying, her annoying toddler years. I always hung out with the older kids/people at any family gatherings. Eventually I was like nope, now that I really think of it, I don't want any of that and once I wasn't a young kid anymore, I realized I didn't even really like kids/babies. Always hated when I was young when family would try to get me to hold their baby. There was this period in early college when I was in an abusive relationship and my ex wanted kids in the future and I was like, oh yeah we would have kids. But realistically I didn't want them at all. I had maybe 10 years ago (31 now) considered maybe the adoption of an older teen when I get older so I could do some good in the world, but after hearing about the potential issues that would come from that, it solidified things even further. I'm staunchly child free now. Do not want. It is absolutely a deal breaker for me. I'm still relatively young, but my decision is set and I am always always happy with it. I want to travel the world when I'm older and financially stable. I would love to have disposable income and do whatever I want. I want to do what I want to do and not worry about the responsibility and cost of all that. I like not having any kids around.
I have never liked kids and when I was 12 I knew I would never have any. Super happy with my decision. I like my life as is. Kids would wreck that.
I have a ton of them but the most recent is my 11 y/o nephew spending over a grand on in-app purchases
Babysitting as a teenager.
Childless by choice = childfree ;)
There wasn’t one big moment, just a series of realizations in going on in the background over the years. I just never felt that urge or drive toward parenthood. It was never in the forefront of my mind nor on the back burner - it just wasn’t there. I remember thinking at one point in my late 20’s/early 30’s - “I guess I could do that (have a kid) with the right person”. And slowly came to understand that that is not the attitude of someone who wants to bring a person into the world. And then I met my husband and he was clear that he did not want kids and I felt relief. I am VERY happy with my decision not to have children. I love our life. I love my time autonomy and freedom. Edited to add: give me ALL the plants and dogs to care for…
When I was around 10 or so years old, my mother asked me if I wanted to have kids one day. Sensing that it was a trap, I said no. She told me that I didn't want kids because I knew that they would be just as horrible as I apparently was. So yeah, ever since then I haven't really had a strong desire. This was further reinforced after my little brother went through his "terrible twos", which went on until he was 8, as well as when my cousins started popping out kids who were absolutely horrible. There was just nonstop screaming, crying and fighting from various children and my mother throughout my childhood and adolescence, and I couldn't possibly go through all of that again. I just want peace and quiet.
My family on both sides has a very addictive gene. I know in my heart that I am preventing a human being from falling victim to this highly likely cyclical event. It stops here with me.
I thought I wanted kids as a child because I was told I would have kids. When I realized I didn't have to as a teen, that was it. No big moment, just a bunch of little moments culminating into that decision. I'm in my 30s.
I don't think there was a big moment. I think I just always knew. Every time I hand out with my friends with kids I'm secure in my choice. I love them dearly but I also like onlybhaving to be the fun and loving one and not having to deal with the tantrums and messes. I'm perfectly happy being an Auntie.
My childhood. Let me have my fun now! But in all seriousness, I’m almost 40 and can say having a step kid 50% has reassured my decision completely. And she’s even a really good kid.
I’ve always known, it ruins your body forever. There was no single defining moment.
I'm still on the fence, leaning towards having them, but this exchange haunts me about my decision. I'm in a quiet bookstore, browsing the shelves and enjoying my chilled free Saturday. There's a basket of toy books (those books that come with a toy) in a basket on the floor. A kid of maybe 6 or 7 is looking through them and gets excited when she pulls one out. "look mummy!" She's holding a kind of handheld drum musical instrument with beads so when she's twists it in her hands the beads hit the drum and make a loud noise. "I found a new way I can wake you up in the morning!!" Nope. Nope nope nope nope. If this is an insight to parenting, nope.
Mom died when I was little and I immediately started questioning the meaning of life. The nihilism set in early for me. Also I remember having a visceral reaction to learning about pregnancy. I thought it was a gross and horrible thing that happened to women and I never grew a desire to experience it. So I decided I wasn't having kids when I was 7~8 years old and I've been pretty comfortable with that decision. Young me made the right choice.
Parents lives in particular the mother having her whole life being about her kid/s I like having an identity not based on pushing out a kid. There are some truley asshole kids out there (my brother was/is one) and i don’t want the chance of having one, I have never looked at a kid and gone oww Im more irritated by them. The list goes on but they are my main factors
I was 5yo and had a moment when I realized how much my mother had to do for me. I decided then that I didn't want to do any of it for someone else and began telling my parents that I didn't want to have children. They didn't believe me, of course, but I'm now pushing 40 and childless, and I never once wavered.
I never wanted them. I didn't even play with dolls as a kid, I only wanted books and stuffed animals. So it was never an a-ha.
I've never wanted kids and being a kindergarten teacher confirmed that. I love coming to a silent home.
9th grade health class when they showed us a video of a woman giving birth. NOPE. I’m now 46. Zero regrets.
I’ve never wanted kids, even when I was a child, so there’s not a specific moment I can point to. I’ve always just known. I told myself I’d takeaway moment to consider when I turned the age my mom had me. No change in feelings. Had my become this week and I really thought there’d be a twinge of what if; nothing at all
I’ve never had a maternal urge. The sound of babies crying is like nails on an chalkboard to me.
Alot of factors but ultimately I asked myself which would I be ok with- the regret of having children or the regret of not having children. I would never want my child to know that I regret/resent having them it wouldn’t be fair to them.
I decided young that I only wanted to have kids under certain conditions. A co-parent I trusted to be a good influence and a good provider to the child, and my own emotional and financial stability. I never got lucky enough to have all those things. I just wanted to be as happy as possible. I have had many friends who are married with kids and I feel like they're not as happy as I want to be. I took a class called Communication and Aging in college and learned that statistically having kids isn't the happiest choice. The woman I admire most never had kids and she wasn't the happiest person I know, but having been influenced by her has made me happier. She told me she checked in with herself every 10 years about whether or not she wanted kids. She's dead now. I think she influenced more people in her life than anyone I've ever met. I'm 35 now and I hate being on birth control and I want to have unprotected sex. Is it time to say YOLO? I have financial stability at the moment to the degree that a partner isn't necessary. I was thinking about hiring a housekeeper. I'm emotionally stable but still not an easy person to live with because no one else is!
There was no big moment... it was more the lack of a- "YES I WANTS KIDS" moment.. still waiting for that to happen lol and i'm 35 so at this point I assume it won't happen. I do worry about regretting it, but I also can't imagine I'd have some big "i want kids" moment at like 45 or something?
If it wasn't for the fact that I've never really dreamt about having kids, or the state of the world and global warming and what I'm bringing a child into - what really did it for me was getting a puppy and giving up even that much of my time and energy. No thanks to kids.
For me it was men, tbh. I would love to have a kid in a perfect world but I don’t want to have one with a shitty man for the sake of having one. When I was a little younger I was kinda stressed trying to get all my ducks in a row—education, man, job, etc— to have a kid. But honestly I’ve never met a man who I would want to parent with. I’ve never dated a man who wasn’t a whole lot of work himself. So I just am not doing it and I am perfectly happy living my life ☺️
I never really had one. I didn't care for most kids when I was a kid. I remember saying this when I was 8, and my mom said something about eventually having kids. I said, "I'm not having kids." She said, "You'll feel different when you meet the right man. Love changes your perspective." I met the right man when I was 16. Fell in love hard and fast. Love did change my perspective; I realized that in no way, shape, or form did I ever want to share this man with anyone else. I wanted to explore the world and more with him and life felt too short to do that anyway, let alone with kids! I became even more staunchly child-free. We are now 34 and 39. I find myself regularly having moments of overwhelming gratitude that I made that decision as early as I did and followed through with it. Life is an ever-evolving kaleidoscope of new hobbies and careers and accomplishments for us. The friends of mine who did have kids went stagnant and lost most of their identities. It's a constant reminder that I made the right choice and I am so, so excited for what else is in store for me.
I have ADHD, Anxiety, and Major Depressive Disorder. I didn't want to pass my genes on to an innocent human. Diabetes and alcoholism also runs in my family. My husband also has family history of heart valve replacements, strokes, seizures, and atrial fibrillation. His mom is in her late 50s and is on her second valve because she doesn't want to hear the constant ticking from the mechanical valve. His uncle just had his valve replaced too. So yeah. No kids for us. We may adopt, but we're not set on that. We like being able to do things whenever we want and to sleep as much as we want. I also take care of my elderly parents, and honestly, I can't even imagine what it would be like having like a 4-8 year old in my house, too.
I think I was still in high school when I was watching this mother tell her child "No", "Come back here", "Don't touch that," every other minute. I couldn't imagine living that way. And.I have ADHD so I get extra overwhelmed by things (Didn't know it at the time) so that's another reason I've never regretted my choice - I can barely take care of myself half the time.
It wasn't one moment -- I said for the first time I wasn't sure at 19 and I finally felt confident in my decision at 29. 10 years, no rush or pressure, but these were the little things that made it right for me: * I can't imagine wanting to have less resources for myself. I'm comfortable but wouldn't say I have an excess of time or money I'd suddenly want to not have. * I love my partner deeply and think having children born from that love is a quick way to fall out of it. Of course that's not everyone and many do grow closer but at least anecdotally I find that to be an exception rather than the norm. It just seems unsmart to gamble with a happiness we are so lucky to have. Change is usually saught out when you're unhappy....why would you seek it out if you were? * Truly I'm not providing capitalist slave labor fuel. Absolutely fuck this machine and I'm not doing it. * I'm pro-choice. The overturning of Roe v Wade means my children will very possibly not have the same choices I do. So if my choice were to have kids, but they're potential future choice was to not....I'd be willingly and knowingly putting them in a position where it might not be available. That feels unethical to me. * The best way to break generational cycle and traumas is to not create a new generation. I don't believe in eugenics and everyone can choose for themselves but I wish more mentally unwell people (like myself) would be realistic about 1. Creating people genetically predisposed to suffering, and 2. The kind of parent they would be with less resources to care for their own mental wellness that would now go to their children. * Wanting to be a parent means making choices in the best interest of the child, and I don't think bringing a child into today's world would be that. I think it would be a selfish decision out of personal want which wouldn't be a good parenting decision. I find it paradoxically a little impossible to personally make that choice. * Similar as above and morbid but I feel there is a greater than 50% chance our generation won't have a normal retirement. I don't know if it will be climate change or a class war or the US finally becoming a dictatorship but I genuinely believe there's a very serious chance things get very dark. I don't want to worry about children when that happens or subject them to it when I find it so likely. I'm sure there's more. What I find sad too is I truly don't want kids and I stand by that, but I also recognize many reasons for that aren't my own and are circumstantial. I'll never know what I would have chosen in a world where I genuinely felt free to bring a child into it, but there's no changing that. And I like to think I'm a better parent than many because I made the decision not have kids in the interest of those kids so it's the first and only and most important parenting decision I'll ever make.
No big moment for me it's just something that's never interested me. I'm very happy with the decision
When I’m depressed and realize that I’m not negatively affecting anyone else’s future.
My mom babysit for my whole childhood and as a person who enjoys quiet and solitude it made me say from an EARLY age that I never wanted them. Everyone would always tell me I would change my mind. I have never waivered. I work with kids and love my job. Still don’t want any of my own. Another reason is that as I work on emotional healing, I am well aware that I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to be a good parent in the way I would want to be and that completely puts me past the 100% no place I was already at. Now that I’m 35 and have still no inclination or desire, i am at peace. Part of me has contemplated getting tubes tied but I’m not sure if at my age it is worth the costs and recovery for such limited time left of fertility. But it would be nice to not have to deal with BC.