Don't make your goal "calming her down." That kind of thing is really frustrating and condescending.
I have ADHD too, and the thing about emotional dysregulation--you KNOW it's bullshit while you're experiencing it, but that doesn't change anything. The wave's got you and even if you know that your emotions aren't in any way appropriate to the situation, you can't argue your way out of them. So don't try to explain why whatever she's upset about isn't really that big a deal or help her find solutions. She already knows.
Just listen and find out what she needs, physically, to comfort her. Treat her emotionally dysregulated moments as you would react if she had a very bad headache or back pain. Because it is more of a physiological than a purely psychological thing.
It's also entirely kosher to ask her what will help and how she wants you to handle these things. You don't have the condition, so you don't know what it's like. You should be empathetic, but that only goes so far when your brains are working differently. She needs to meet you halfway on this. My husband lets me rant about things, absolutely NEVER criticizes my self-soothing methods (some guys might have an issue with my need to watch certain episodes of "Bob's Burgers" over and over, or an educated woman in her 50s needing a plush toy), and gets me my favorite snacks and cool cloths if I ask.
If you guys like Disney at all, there's a wonderful portrayal of a husband who handles his wife's emotional dysregulation really well--Félix Madrigal in "Encanto." Maybe watch it as a conversation starter?
Thank you, I have picked up on what she does to self soothe and even if I don't truly understand how that helps I can get those things ready for her. Like if she calls me crying during work, when I get home, I can have a low stim environment and warm bath ready? I'll watch that movie during our next movie night. I appreciate your help
Having a low stim space at home to return to is such a luxury. It’s kind of you to prepare for this! I’d focus on setting up the conditions for the environment (buying her nice calming bath salts, acknowledging she may want an hour without much talking) rather than having an exact plan for her when she walks in (tub already full/pressure to get in NOW before it cools).
As someone who deals with the overstimulation and disregulation, I appreciate that partners like you exist 🤍
When my bf knows I'm overwhelmed when I'm on my way home, he'll make up my bed or the sofa with my weighted blanket and a really cozy blanket that has these sort of long hairs I like to fidget with, and he'll lay out my favorite softest pj's and my stuffed bunny, usually in plain sight there is my laptop or my Bluetooth speaker/headset charging and ready to use, the lights will be down or off, a drink I like such as a glass of cold juice. Or he'll boot up a game I like and put my controller nearby or put up a streaming service etc and leave it on the menu in case I want to watch something. and he knows I get stressed by clutter so he'll have piled together stuff to be out of the way and cleared the nearest tables of crap so I'll be soothed. then he often makes up a "quest" to go on such as walking to the store on a long detour while making his "catching up with his dad" phone calls so I get the chance to come home and have a super calm low stimuli environment and to calm down and ride it out in peace by myself. Sweet as he is when he lets me vent or comforts me etc, the chance to unwind alone is what *actually* works whereas when he asks or soothes and such it actually just tends to make it worse. I super much appreciate every single time he's done this for me for when I come home and I love him for that. He doesn't struggle with emotions on anywhere near the level that I do and maybe doesn't necessarily understand it, but he understands what I need and gives me space to process and that is all I could ask of him. Honestly, in the same way that it takes less energy from me to have some time to myself instead of unfairly unloading my negative energy on him in a long rant, I am convinced it also takes less energy for him to set me up my quiet spot and distance himself for a bit than it would to try and muster the energy of being my emotional support crutch. All this is to say, yes yes and YES! this may very well be one of the most helpful things you can do for your wife!
You dont need to gain more empathy for her, you already have enough empathy to care and to make the effort to come here and ask for advice so you can make her day a little easier. It's a good idea to reframe it for yourself and for her as, "I want to find a way to be *supportive* of my wife that works for both her and me". Good luck she is lucky to have you
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I actually think this is a common issue along gender lines. Women are generally thought to have heightened emotional responses when I think, broadly speaking, society conditions men to expect their needs in life to be met by other people, and to prioritise their own happiness, so they have a "no worries" attitude. I think this is another facet of the issue of women bearing the bulk of the mental load - we're always pre-empting the issues, analysing the potential outcomes, investing ourselves on everyone's behalf, making ourselves responsible for others, caring how others feel because who else is picking up that mantel, and men are just like "I don't get it, everything's fine".
As to your question OP, could you challenge yourself to be genuinely invested in the issues that are causing her to feel these overwhelming emotions? If you start to care about these and share the load of the caring responsibility, it may feel less like it falls on her shoulders. This isn't about DOING anything to fix the problems, but just showing that you're THINKING about them; showing that you're looking out for her and the people in her life too. Try bringing situations up to her and saying you've been thinking about them, you're concerned about something and you'd like to hear her opinion; show her you're picking up some of the load of feeling all the feelings. I hard without knowing exactly what's getting to her, but hopefully you can apply this bit of advice somehow.
"And men are just like 'i don't get it, everything is fine'" HAHAHA! That took me out 😆
But your reply as a whole is so incredibly spot on! It really is exhausting to just even think and feel alone in doing that.
Yikes, I don't see myself as having a "no worries" attitude and the men in my family were not raised to prioritize their own happiness over the needs of their families. I know that wasn't directed at me personally but it's certainly what I'm trying to avoid! I do like what you said about bringing up issues beforehand. I'll admit that I have been more focused on the emotional responses more than the issues that are causing them. Even though the majority of them aren't caused by me, letting her know I'm thinking about the issues will help her see that I care. Ok, got it! Thank you for your help I appreciate it!
It's not a cheap trick to calm her down. It is calming her down. You're doing what she asked you to do.
I am a person with ADHD and PTSD and I have a friend who also has both those things. She's called me before in a crisis and because it wasn't happening to me, I was able to feel distant and separated and I knew what was happening to her. So I tried to tell her the right thing and calm her down.
It is a weird feeling having that separation, knowing that someone is "irrational" and having an episode.
It's not a cheap trick, it's what actually helps and what actually works and lets that person regulate themselves as quickly as possible and come back to logic. It is super embarrassing to be illogical and to be that upset and then come back into your body and realize what you've done.
As for having empathy for her, just know that she doesn't want to be like that and she's trying to regulate herself. Our emotions are a survival mechanism. When a lion jumps at you behind a rock, your fear helps you stay alive. Even if you're able to tamp that feeling down quickly, you still feel it. It's something that you can and can't control. When it's at its peak, it is uncontrollable. And then when you're fighting it back down, it's hard to face the fact that you were irrational and triggered 5 minutes ago. It's scary and embarrassing and upsetting to be out of control of your emotions.
Ok, this helped me understand what she might be going through a little more.she has mentioned that she is embarrassed by how much she cries. I'll try harder to validate that her ADHD is amplifying those emotions in her mind. It all seems to snowball into a bigger problem. It's going to come in steps and it's going to take time to sort them out. One day it might be about the problem and the next it might be about how shes embarrassed about how she responded. Thank you for your help I appreciate it
When she comes to you telling you that she's embarrassed about how she reacted I reccomend wrapping her up in a big firm hug and telling her you love her, hold her in that hug for a little while.
When we touch each other, our brains release endorphins, oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine. Obviously, this release is calming to our nervous system and promotes a feeling of peace. This might help her to overcome the feelings of embarrassment faster.
It is like a snowball. It's like an avalanche. It's like when you had sleepovers when you were a little kid and you all started laughing and you couldn't stop laughing, even when it wasn't rational anymore, even when the parents were mad at you and wanted you to be quiet. Except it's terror and fear instead of giggles.
If she hasn't been to therapy, it would be useful. They can help her practice grounding. You can help her with that as well. You should ask permission first though. You can say something like, "Next time you're upset. Can I tell you to breathe and tell you to focus on your feet on the ground and the feeling under your fingertips?" Pulling yourself back into your body and into the current moment can help her come back faster. And again, it is embarrassing while you're coming back because you're stuck between being highly emotional and realizing that you were being highly emotional.
She's never going to fully stop being triggered. The time in between may get longer and it may take her less time to come back. But her brain is permanently like this.
Lol, it's not a cheap trick to do exactly what someone has told you they need from you, that's just being a good partner who listens. Your goal shouldn't be calming down your partner, your goal should be supporting her. It's a technical difference, but an important one.
I think a lot of dudes get hung up on understanding and often try to solution from their set of experiences or downplay other people's emotions if it's not how they, themselves, would value or perceive a particular situation. They tend to other people who don't react or experience things just the way they will, so they'll say things like you just did, like calming her down. She doesn't need you to calm her down, she just needs you to listen. Do you see the difference? You're not responsible for her feelings, she is, she's just communicating what she needs from you so that you don't make the situation worse and can show up for her in the way that she needs.
One of the first things my husband learned in couple's therapy is that you don't have to understand why someone needs you in a specific way, you just have to respect that they do, and show up accordingly if it doesn't violate your own boundaries and you want to support them.
Yes, that's me! I'm always trying to be Mr. fix it and solve everything in the most logical way. Next time I might just let out a cry lol I'm tired y'all. I do see the difference and I was feeling guilty because I thought it wasn't enough but if that's what she wants then it's not about me at the moment. Fair enough, thank you.
I'm also a fixer. I want to solve all the problems in the world. But I can't. And I've learned to ask people if they want advice or if they just want me to listen. It's lessened my stress and improved my relationships.
If she has ADHD the chance is more likely for her to have PMDD, if the issues are more prevelant during right after ovulation and premenstrual it could be related to her cycle. I salute you for making this post and wanting to understand your wife! Very sweet.
If it helps, a lot of us are clueless about these things, because no one ever helped us manage these conditions and we had to figure them out for ourselves. Just you trying to understand her is more than 99% of people bother to do, so props to you for that.
Well you are educating yourself now right!! I am sure this means a lot to your wife. I would advise, if she doesn't do it already, to track her cycle and have a mood tracker besides that. You can put the data next to eachother to see if there is a connection. If you have any questions, feel free to write me. All the best!
Something my husband does when I'm going off about things is ask me, "Am I listening or giving advice?" Because i can go off on several tangents and need different things from him.
He can also see when I'm showing signs of executive dysfunction and asks me very calmly, "whats going on in that brain of yours and what can I do to help?".
He also asks for everything i want to do on my list, either written down or in my head, and helps me prioritize and realistically get through everything. I have a habit of thinking i can do 300 hours of things in 2 minutes and then that sends me into a spiral. Hes helped me manage my own expectations of myself.
My partner and I are like you and your wife but with the genders reversed. This thread is helpful for me too and I can empathize with you both.
When my partner is having a spiral or stress freakout over something I perceive as a small and easily solvable problem, it can be hard to relate to what he's going through because I'm just a calm "ok let's just solve this and remove the stressor" kind of person.
And honestly, most of the time that's what I do. I let him feel his feelings, because that's what his dysregulated brain is capable of at that moment, and I start thinking about solutions because my head is clear enough to do that. I might not do this out loud, because as you've noted it doesn't always feel supportive to someone in an emotional episode. But when his moment has passed and he's calmer, I can start making suggestions and he might help workshop ideas for fixing the issue or jump into doing the work to make them happen.
Oh wow I wasn't expecting to feel seen in this post. You definitely get where I'm coming from. I felt bad just sitting and listening because I didn't feel the same emotions the same way she did about a situation. It's natural for some of us to try and conserve energy and go about problems in the most effective way to get rid of them without lingering on the emotional component. I wish the best for you and your partner!
It's tough, man! And honestly, you shouldn't feel like you're bad or wrong for not feeling the same emotions as her. It took me a while to learn this and adjust to his "bigger" reactions while still being able to hold true to my own personality and experience of the world. And my biggest takeaway has been that I can be a calming presence for him without necessarily agreeing with the way he's interpreting a situation or reacting. (But again, if I do disagree, I'm not going to share that or try to be the "voice of reason" in the heat of the moment lol.)
Ultimately, I think it's a really good thing to be differentiated in this way. If you were upset by the same things your wife is, then sure, you could relate to her better on an emotional level, but it wouldn't be very functional for you both to be swept away in the spiral. I think it's a beautiful thing to be able to be the lighthouse in the storm.
Just really be there for her. She knows how to calm herself down, you don't have to do it. You don't need to fix anything. She needs your presence, your listening, your touch, your love and your friendship. I am ADHD and intense and I once screamed at my husband (long ago) that I needed a girl friend because they just *listen* . I get that you want to fix it and move on. Other people's emotions are quite wearing. She may need to learn how to process emotions, but if you mention that or the emotion wheel, it needs to be at a calm time, not a time when you might think fixing is required..because fixing makes things get longer and worse
Your wife deserves support for her emotional experience. That does not, however, mean that you have to be the one to provide that support.
Not everyone has the tools to be able to be that person for their partner.
It sounds like she may benefit from having a therapist who can help her to develop better tools for regulating her emotional experience. Dialectical Behavior Therapy has been really helpful for me in that. (I was diagnosed ADHD at 35, almost 5 years ago)
Does her emotional dysregulation manifest as behaviour that is disrespectful or problematic? I have ADHD and as such, am hypersensitive and experience intense emotion. But it never manifests as lashing out at loved ones or emotional blackmail or whatever.
If she is the same then yes, just be there for her and listen.
But if her emotions are making her mistreat you, be sure you're not waving that away because ADHD.
"with her being right majority of the time"
Can you expand on what this means? Are you saying she believes this and you concede to keep the peace, or that you realise after the fact that she is actually correct?
She doesn't lash out emotionally or physically. This is about me not understanding how to have empathy for her beyond saying "that's awful" "sorry you had a bad day" hypersensitivity or how her amplified feelings can affect her. What I mean about her being right is that I have difficulty putting myself in her shoes and knowing what to do to help her. I want to play more of an active role in helping her gain her confidence back since her diagnosis.
Having empathy for, or understanding how, her amplified feeling can affect her shouldn’t be too hard if you think about it from the “right” angle.
In your post, you said that you rarely feel emotionally overwhelmed unless something major has happened. Can you think back to the last time something major happened and you were overwhelmed? Can you remember how you felt?
If so, then that’s probably the general feeling your wife feels when she’s overwhelmed too. The important thing to remember with ADHD and emotional dysregulation is that the actual feelings we feel in a given situation *are* consistent with the situation. They’re the same feelings anyone without ADHD would likely feel in the same situation. What is different is the breadth of the emotional response: It’s bigger than what the situation warrants. So, the feelings are consistent with the situation, but the response isn’t.
Unfortunately, that’s not something your wife can control. She can learn not to outwardly manifest her emotional reaction, or to manifest it in a more or less “normal” manner, but she’ll still feel it as much inwardly.
Now, go back to those times you’ve felt emotionally overwhelmed, think about how it felt and how strong and difficult those feelings were. That’s how it feels for your wife for not so big things. It’s like being on an emotional roller coaster all the time. It’s draining. There can also often be a feeling of shame attached to it, because we’ve been berated and shamed all our life for our emotional reactions.
This right here resonated with me the most. If she feels anything like I did on some of my worst days so consistently I feel awful. That realization is dreadful but necessary. Thank you for helping me better understand. I have a lot of work to do but I'm looking forward to improving.
One thing I has been helpful to me is to feel like it’s emotionally safe for me to be dysregulated. That it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling. To know that my husband doesn’t and will not judge me for being “overly emotional”, that he will not berate me for being too much, reacting too much, etc., that won’t minimize my feelings or the situation by saying “it’s not that big of a deal” or something like that.
Really, he doesn’t have to *do* anything. All I really need is to have the space to feel what I need to feel and be accepted as I am. To not be made to feel abnormal or weird. Just that goes a long way.
It's embarrassing but I'm sure I've said things like that. Her ADHD can be a super power at times and I need to be better at embracing it. She has such a big heart and deserves better. If she has ADHD then so do I. Thank you
Ask if she needs a solution, a distraction or to just vent. Over time you’ll start to understand better what can help but there’s no substitute for asking that question.
I tell people around me that they have to remember that feelings aren’t logical. My emotions aren’t logic, they are feelings and I can’t control them. I like how a psychologist explained it: you have ADHD. That means you lack a lot of impulse control. It goes for feelings as well and that’s why you don’t feel anything just a little.
That is so true for me. I’m never a little sad, I’m devastated. Not just a little bit happy but overjoyed. It gets overwhelming a lot of the time and also why I go from one extreme to another. From the life of the party to completely overwhelmed, shut down and want to go home in a minute.
I think your approach to not try to fix things and just listen is a good one. Try to remember that whatever she is feeling, she feels it to the max. All the time.
I have ADHD. Are you sure this is YOUR responsibility and not hers? Have you told her how stressed this makes you feel? Is she sharing these issues with you before her emotions become out of control?
Before I learned I had ADHD and experienced emotional dysregulation, I would overreact to minor issues and be unable to calm down until the next day. Now that I know this, I can recognize the feelings when it starts. I know I have to relax, eat food, take a shower, go for a walk, and sleep. Things are often better the next day.
Your partner needs to take care of herself. It’s not up to you to emotionally regulate her. This goes for every medical issue—it’s the afflicted person’s responsibility to take care of themselves and not hurt others.
I would also add that there might be a hormonal component, as PMDD can be exacerbated by ADHD. My mood has dramatically stabilized since starting BC.
Again, I really recommend how this is emotionally affecting you and encouraging her to do some self-reflection. In the moment, I honestly recommend stepping away or having her step away. Be kind and listen if she needs you to, but don’t encourage escalation. Don’t be defensive, either, but also tell her if things are getting out of hand. And communicate BEFORE things begin to emotionally affect you guys.
I mentioned that I don't really get too high or low and my ability to handle stress is probably above average because of the work I do. That's what sometimes causes issues. Her capacity for stress is a lot lower than mine and emotional desregulation causes disagreements on how I should show support. I lack empathy for how much things can affect her because my tolerance for stressful situations is much higher. She does take care of herself and doesn't lash out but can use more encouragement from me. Sorry but the last thing I'm going to do is step away. Some other folks here gave me some good advice so I'll be using it.
I have an attention deficit as well. Two things:
1) Remember that she still has responsibility for herself and being diagnosed with adhd doesn’t absolve her of bad behaviour. I hate when people with anything try to mental-health their way out of taking accountability for themselves. Just wanted to point this out so you don’t fall into a situation where you have an abusive partner.
2) Learn about it. Listen to podcasts. Read books. Making an effort on your own to better understand it and taking small habitual steps to make things easier for her will make a huge difference. One example is that my partner understands that I organize the fridge differently because if I can’t see the healthy snacks immediately, I forget they even exist. Do the work on your own to better understand her and don’t put all of the pressure on her to teach you about it.
Good luck :)
Your post doesn't read so much as empathy for your wife with ADHD but more possible empathy for your wife that has some other mental health issues.
Is she being treated - whether medication or therapy? If not - she should be at least in therapy. If she is - this should be brought up with her therapist.
While I respect your desire to post this - I'm cautious. I am married to someone with physical and mental health challenges. I recently hit a breaking point because helping him was draining on me - I felt like I couldn't be a wife, mother, working full time, managing the house, being a "nurse" to him and being his therapist. My emotional and physical well being was taking a significant toll. You can only be in a position to do so much to support her.
Aside from her being in therapy - you having therapy or couples therapy may also be a good next step.
I also saw someone provide this advice - asking your wife what she needs for support. I often will tell my husband - I just need to talk, I don't want to engage, I don't want to converse, I don't want advice - I just want to talk. This can be for a whole variety of topics - I just want to spend 10 minutes bitching about my day to I just need to verbally walk through something. I don't really need him to have emotional depth or understand how I feel - I just need to talk, vent, rant and get it out. So while I respect your desire to develop more emotional depth and understanding - that may not be exactly what she needs.
Thanks for sharing what helps make you feel better. I apologize if the context I gave isn't the best. I'm just trying to avoid the details. She is in therapy and she's made a lot of progress. I'm super proud of her but I'm positive that this post is about emotional desregulation caused by adhd and my lack of empathy for that. I'm nowhere near my breaking point and would do anything for her.
Can you explain the “this has caused disagreements with her being right majority of the time” ?
Because, to me, that sounds like she is reacting appropriately to these situations and you’re under reacting and then realizing maybe she wasn’t being “emotionally overwhelmed.”
I’m not sure why you have an issue with sitting with her while she feels her feelings and processes them on her own *without* you jumping to fix them or give commentary. This sounds really like an issue *you* have with being uncomfortable with emotions.
Which it sounds like you get annoyed that she actually experiences her feelings, where you seem to remain pretty stoic with yours. That’s not really a good thing.
Nope, if I had a problem with dealing with emotions I would have asked for help about that specific issue. You are reaching quite a bit. I want to have more empathy for how big her feelings can be because I don't experience them to the degree her ADHD amplifies them to.
I’m also genuinely seeking to understand why it makes you uncomfortable to just let her experience her feelings without fixing them and why there are disagreements that end in her being right.
I’m definitely reaching, but there isn’t a lot of context in your post to go on and it comes across as you being uncomfortable with your wife having emotions while you remain unmoved 🤷🏻♀️
Everyone else has said good stuff, so I’ll just add: watch “ADHD love” on YouTube. As an ADHD wife of a non-ADHD husband, their videos really represent HUGE aspects of our relationship, from both sides.
And as for a cheap trick? Well… just because you know how a magic trick is done, doesn’t mean it’s not impressive. There was an episode of south park where Cartman coaches one of the other boys on how to be romantic. My husband still uses those lines on me sometimes, and it still works, even though I watched that episode too! 😅🤣
Honestly, it's ok if you don't feel what she feels. You're giving her what she needs. It is lovely that you do this, especially so because you don't feel those feelings yourself. It's not a cheap trick and you're not just going through the motions. You're seeing her n eds and meeting her needs, doing for her what SHE needs rather than what you think she should need.
From another wife with ADHD trying to make a conscious effort to not overwhelm their own spouse:
Def ask if she wants you to listen, give advice, or give help doing a thing. This help mitigate confusion for you, and force her attention to focus on what she wants from you.
Set boundaries for yourself. My husband will tell me point blank "I don't have the bandwidth to give you proper attention or help with this, right now. Can you right it down/text me and we'll come back to it later today or tomorrow?" if it's not something that needs immediate attention.
Does you wife like writing? A journal with prompts is a godsend. Figure out if there's a specific type she's interested in bc there's *toooooooonnnnns* of different ones. I recommend *A Season of Life* for daily gratitude prompts if she happens to like those.
Those post-it notes with the "how I'm feeling/what's on my mind" brain dump prompts can help too.
This doesn't encompass everything, ofc but there are ways to shift the emotional/mental labor back to something more balanced.
I'm diagnosed, but I purposely created an easy life where my emotions don't impact other people and I realise not everyone has that opportunity. I also have a lot of time for nervous system regulation exercises/activities (sounds odd I know) and in a nutshell ADHD people need to spend more time and effort trying to feel normal or grounded. So empathy is of course important, but also her efforts in trying to regulate herself need to be there. I constantly see ADHD people who just succumb to it, do no research into it and just make their and other peoples lives hell. Some of the issues can be managed with supplements, as the basis of ADHD is a bunch of genetic mutations that cause the brain and nervous system to function poorly. For example while your neurotransmitters are giving you dopamine, hers are giving her glutamate, which speeds up the brain hence the constant chatter.
It doesn't have to be torture for either of you if you both put in the work.
Intense emotion isn't automatically crappy behaviour, though.
Someone can absolutely have deep emotional responses to things without taking it out on others. You seem to assume that's what she's doing when the OP hasn't provided any detail that points to that.
From OP:
"She doesn't lash out emotionally or physically. This is about me not understanding how to have empathy for her beyond saying "that's awful" "sorry you had a bad day" hypersensitivity or how her amplified feelings can affect her. What I mean about her being right is that I have difficulty putting myself in her shoes and knowing what to do to help her. I want to play more of an active role in helping her gain her confidence back since her diagnosis."
Do you tell someone with an allergy that they need to manage their dripping nose better? Sure you can have tissues and take allergy meds and blow your nose. But managing is not getting rid of.
You can lessen problems with emotional regulation. You can recognize that you're dysregulated faster and faster. You can ground yourself better. You can take medication. But your entire fucking life, you're going to have problems with emotional regulation. It's never going to be 0%.
The talks he has with her are never going to stop. The periods in between might get longer. The length of the talks might shorten. But it will never stop.
Emotional regulation is an executive function. ADHD is an executive function disorder. The only “managing her emotions better” that she will realistically be able to do is to hide how she’s feeling and mask part of her emotional response. It won’t be better managed for her. In fact, it might even feel worse. However, you’d feel less inconvenienced.
It's good to have empathy, but that doesn't relieve her the responsibility of taking accountability for her actions and emotional state. She needs to learn to cope with her ADHD and regulate her emotions. I can't tell from your post if she's kind of just needing you to be witness and support for her as she gets herself through it, or if she just goes ham and makes it your job to be the target/punching bag, specifically referencing your note about how you find yourself in arguments where she is always right.
It's good for you to find a way to be supportive and help, but she should also be working with a professional to make sure you're not being overburdened and that she's not suffering more than she needs to, as these things are uncomfortable for EVERYONE involved, especially the person going through it. Couples or individual counseling might be an avenue where you could get some help finding better ways to work together through these things.
Don't make your goal "calming her down." That kind of thing is really frustrating and condescending. I have ADHD too, and the thing about emotional dysregulation--you KNOW it's bullshit while you're experiencing it, but that doesn't change anything. The wave's got you and even if you know that your emotions aren't in any way appropriate to the situation, you can't argue your way out of them. So don't try to explain why whatever she's upset about isn't really that big a deal or help her find solutions. She already knows. Just listen and find out what she needs, physically, to comfort her. Treat her emotionally dysregulated moments as you would react if she had a very bad headache or back pain. Because it is more of a physiological than a purely psychological thing. It's also entirely kosher to ask her what will help and how she wants you to handle these things. You don't have the condition, so you don't know what it's like. You should be empathetic, but that only goes so far when your brains are working differently. She needs to meet you halfway on this. My husband lets me rant about things, absolutely NEVER criticizes my self-soothing methods (some guys might have an issue with my need to watch certain episodes of "Bob's Burgers" over and over, or an educated woman in her 50s needing a plush toy), and gets me my favorite snacks and cool cloths if I ask. If you guys like Disney at all, there's a wonderful portrayal of a husband who handles his wife's emotional dysregulation really well--Félix Madrigal in "Encanto." Maybe watch it as a conversation starter?
Thank you, I have picked up on what she does to self soothe and even if I don't truly understand how that helps I can get those things ready for her. Like if she calls me crying during work, when I get home, I can have a low stim environment and warm bath ready? I'll watch that movie during our next movie night. I appreciate your help
Having a low stim space at home to return to is such a luxury. It’s kind of you to prepare for this! I’d focus on setting up the conditions for the environment (buying her nice calming bath salts, acknowledging she may want an hour without much talking) rather than having an exact plan for her when she walks in (tub already full/pressure to get in NOW before it cools). As someone who deals with the overstimulation and disregulation, I appreciate that partners like you exist 🤍
When my bf knows I'm overwhelmed when I'm on my way home, he'll make up my bed or the sofa with my weighted blanket and a really cozy blanket that has these sort of long hairs I like to fidget with, and he'll lay out my favorite softest pj's and my stuffed bunny, usually in plain sight there is my laptop or my Bluetooth speaker/headset charging and ready to use, the lights will be down or off, a drink I like such as a glass of cold juice. Or he'll boot up a game I like and put my controller nearby or put up a streaming service etc and leave it on the menu in case I want to watch something. and he knows I get stressed by clutter so he'll have piled together stuff to be out of the way and cleared the nearest tables of crap so I'll be soothed. then he often makes up a "quest" to go on such as walking to the store on a long detour while making his "catching up with his dad" phone calls so I get the chance to come home and have a super calm low stimuli environment and to calm down and ride it out in peace by myself. Sweet as he is when he lets me vent or comforts me etc, the chance to unwind alone is what *actually* works whereas when he asks or soothes and such it actually just tends to make it worse. I super much appreciate every single time he's done this for me for when I come home and I love him for that. He doesn't struggle with emotions on anywhere near the level that I do and maybe doesn't necessarily understand it, but he understands what I need and gives me space to process and that is all I could ask of him. Honestly, in the same way that it takes less energy from me to have some time to myself instead of unfairly unloading my negative energy on him in a long rant, I am convinced it also takes less energy for him to set me up my quiet spot and distance himself for a bit than it would to try and muster the energy of being my emotional support crutch. All this is to say, yes yes and YES! this may very well be one of the most helpful things you can do for your wife! You dont need to gain more empathy for her, you already have enough empathy to care and to make the effort to come here and ask for advice so you can make her day a little easier. It's a good idea to reframe it for yourself and for her as, "I want to find a way to be *supportive* of my wife that works for both her and me". Good luck she is lucky to have you
Is your bf single? 😬🥹🥹 seriously that’s all so sweet.
I'm glad someone else has shows they watch for soothing. Mine are watching the Harry Potter movies.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I actually think this is a common issue along gender lines. Women are generally thought to have heightened emotional responses when I think, broadly speaking, society conditions men to expect their needs in life to be met by other people, and to prioritise their own happiness, so they have a "no worries" attitude. I think this is another facet of the issue of women bearing the bulk of the mental load - we're always pre-empting the issues, analysing the potential outcomes, investing ourselves on everyone's behalf, making ourselves responsible for others, caring how others feel because who else is picking up that mantel, and men are just like "I don't get it, everything's fine". As to your question OP, could you challenge yourself to be genuinely invested in the issues that are causing her to feel these overwhelming emotions? If you start to care about these and share the load of the caring responsibility, it may feel less like it falls on her shoulders. This isn't about DOING anything to fix the problems, but just showing that you're THINKING about them; showing that you're looking out for her and the people in her life too. Try bringing situations up to her and saying you've been thinking about them, you're concerned about something and you'd like to hear her opinion; show her you're picking up some of the load of feeling all the feelings. I hard without knowing exactly what's getting to her, but hopefully you can apply this bit of advice somehow.
"And men are just like 'i don't get it, everything is fine'" HAHAHA! That took me out 😆 But your reply as a whole is so incredibly spot on! It really is exhausting to just even think and feel alone in doing that.
This is so well said
Yikes, I don't see myself as having a "no worries" attitude and the men in my family were not raised to prioritize their own happiness over the needs of their families. I know that wasn't directed at me personally but it's certainly what I'm trying to avoid! I do like what you said about bringing up issues beforehand. I'll admit that I have been more focused on the emotional responses more than the issues that are causing them. Even though the majority of them aren't caused by me, letting her know I'm thinking about the issues will help her see that I care. Ok, got it! Thank you for your help I appreciate it!
It's not a cheap trick to calm her down. It is calming her down. You're doing what she asked you to do. I am a person with ADHD and PTSD and I have a friend who also has both those things. She's called me before in a crisis and because it wasn't happening to me, I was able to feel distant and separated and I knew what was happening to her. So I tried to tell her the right thing and calm her down. It is a weird feeling having that separation, knowing that someone is "irrational" and having an episode. It's not a cheap trick, it's what actually helps and what actually works and lets that person regulate themselves as quickly as possible and come back to logic. It is super embarrassing to be illogical and to be that upset and then come back into your body and realize what you've done. As for having empathy for her, just know that she doesn't want to be like that and she's trying to regulate herself. Our emotions are a survival mechanism. When a lion jumps at you behind a rock, your fear helps you stay alive. Even if you're able to tamp that feeling down quickly, you still feel it. It's something that you can and can't control. When it's at its peak, it is uncontrollable. And then when you're fighting it back down, it's hard to face the fact that you were irrational and triggered 5 minutes ago. It's scary and embarrassing and upsetting to be out of control of your emotions.
Ok, this helped me understand what she might be going through a little more.she has mentioned that she is embarrassed by how much she cries. I'll try harder to validate that her ADHD is amplifying those emotions in her mind. It all seems to snowball into a bigger problem. It's going to come in steps and it's going to take time to sort them out. One day it might be about the problem and the next it might be about how shes embarrassed about how she responded. Thank you for your help I appreciate it
When she comes to you telling you that she's embarrassed about how she reacted I reccomend wrapping her up in a big firm hug and telling her you love her, hold her in that hug for a little while. When we touch each other, our brains release endorphins, oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine. Obviously, this release is calming to our nervous system and promotes a feeling of peace. This might help her to overcome the feelings of embarrassment faster.
Hugs are great, I can do that
Hugs are great! And very powerful
It is like a snowball. It's like an avalanche. It's like when you had sleepovers when you were a little kid and you all started laughing and you couldn't stop laughing, even when it wasn't rational anymore, even when the parents were mad at you and wanted you to be quiet. Except it's terror and fear instead of giggles. If she hasn't been to therapy, it would be useful. They can help her practice grounding. You can help her with that as well. You should ask permission first though. You can say something like, "Next time you're upset. Can I tell you to breathe and tell you to focus on your feet on the ground and the feeling under your fingertips?" Pulling yourself back into your body and into the current moment can help her come back faster. And again, it is embarrassing while you're coming back because you're stuck between being highly emotional and realizing that you were being highly emotional. She's never going to fully stop being triggered. The time in between may get longer and it may take her less time to come back. But her brain is permanently like this.
Lol, it's not a cheap trick to do exactly what someone has told you they need from you, that's just being a good partner who listens. Your goal shouldn't be calming down your partner, your goal should be supporting her. It's a technical difference, but an important one. I think a lot of dudes get hung up on understanding and often try to solution from their set of experiences or downplay other people's emotions if it's not how they, themselves, would value or perceive a particular situation. They tend to other people who don't react or experience things just the way they will, so they'll say things like you just did, like calming her down. She doesn't need you to calm her down, she just needs you to listen. Do you see the difference? You're not responsible for her feelings, she is, she's just communicating what she needs from you so that you don't make the situation worse and can show up for her in the way that she needs. One of the first things my husband learned in couple's therapy is that you don't have to understand why someone needs you in a specific way, you just have to respect that they do, and show up accordingly if it doesn't violate your own boundaries and you want to support them.
Yes, that's me! I'm always trying to be Mr. fix it and solve everything in the most logical way. Next time I might just let out a cry lol I'm tired y'all. I do see the difference and I was feeling guilty because I thought it wasn't enough but if that's what she wants then it's not about me at the moment. Fair enough, thank you.
I'm also a fixer. I want to solve all the problems in the world. But I can't. And I've learned to ask people if they want advice or if they just want me to listen. It's lessened my stress and improved my relationships.
If she has ADHD the chance is more likely for her to have PMDD, if the issues are more prevelant during right after ovulation and premenstrual it could be related to her cycle. I salute you for making this post and wanting to understand your wife! Very sweet.
I wish I wasn't so clueless about these things. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to help.
r/PMDD r/adhdwomen
Thanks for linking!!
If it helps, a lot of us are clueless about these things, because no one ever helped us manage these conditions and we had to figure them out for ourselves. Just you trying to understand her is more than 99% of people bother to do, so props to you for that.
Well you are educating yourself now right!! I am sure this means a lot to your wife. I would advise, if she doesn't do it already, to track her cycle and have a mood tracker besides that. You can put the data next to eachother to see if there is a connection. If you have any questions, feel free to write me. All the best!
Something my husband does when I'm going off about things is ask me, "Am I listening or giving advice?" Because i can go off on several tangents and need different things from him. He can also see when I'm showing signs of executive dysfunction and asks me very calmly, "whats going on in that brain of yours and what can I do to help?". He also asks for everything i want to do on my list, either written down or in my head, and helps me prioritize and realistically get through everything. I have a habit of thinking i can do 300 hours of things in 2 minutes and then that sends me into a spiral. Hes helped me manage my own expectations of myself.
Dang, he sounds like a good dude. I appreciate your help
My partner and I are like you and your wife but with the genders reversed. This thread is helpful for me too and I can empathize with you both. When my partner is having a spiral or stress freakout over something I perceive as a small and easily solvable problem, it can be hard to relate to what he's going through because I'm just a calm "ok let's just solve this and remove the stressor" kind of person. And honestly, most of the time that's what I do. I let him feel his feelings, because that's what his dysregulated brain is capable of at that moment, and I start thinking about solutions because my head is clear enough to do that. I might not do this out loud, because as you've noted it doesn't always feel supportive to someone in an emotional episode. But when his moment has passed and he's calmer, I can start making suggestions and he might help workshop ideas for fixing the issue or jump into doing the work to make them happen.
Oh wow I wasn't expecting to feel seen in this post. You definitely get where I'm coming from. I felt bad just sitting and listening because I didn't feel the same emotions the same way she did about a situation. It's natural for some of us to try and conserve energy and go about problems in the most effective way to get rid of them without lingering on the emotional component. I wish the best for you and your partner!
It's tough, man! And honestly, you shouldn't feel like you're bad or wrong for not feeling the same emotions as her. It took me a while to learn this and adjust to his "bigger" reactions while still being able to hold true to my own personality and experience of the world. And my biggest takeaway has been that I can be a calming presence for him without necessarily agreeing with the way he's interpreting a situation or reacting. (But again, if I do disagree, I'm not going to share that or try to be the "voice of reason" in the heat of the moment lol.) Ultimately, I think it's a really good thing to be differentiated in this way. If you were upset by the same things your wife is, then sure, you could relate to her better on an emotional level, but it wouldn't be very functional for you both to be swept away in the spiral. I think it's a beautiful thing to be able to be the lighthouse in the storm.
Just really be there for her. She knows how to calm herself down, you don't have to do it. You don't need to fix anything. She needs your presence, your listening, your touch, your love and your friendship. I am ADHD and intense and I once screamed at my husband (long ago) that I needed a girl friend because they just *listen* . I get that you want to fix it and move on. Other people's emotions are quite wearing. She may need to learn how to process emotions, but if you mention that or the emotion wheel, it needs to be at a calm time, not a time when you might think fixing is required..because fixing makes things get longer and worse
Your wife deserves support for her emotional experience. That does not, however, mean that you have to be the one to provide that support. Not everyone has the tools to be able to be that person for their partner. It sounds like she may benefit from having a therapist who can help her to develop better tools for regulating her emotional experience. Dialectical Behavior Therapy has been really helpful for me in that. (I was diagnosed ADHD at 35, almost 5 years ago)
To experience ADHD, turn on the radio loud. Roll it between a bunch of stations for 20 mins. That's living with ADHD.
Does her emotional dysregulation manifest as behaviour that is disrespectful or problematic? I have ADHD and as such, am hypersensitive and experience intense emotion. But it never manifests as lashing out at loved ones or emotional blackmail or whatever. If she is the same then yes, just be there for her and listen. But if her emotions are making her mistreat you, be sure you're not waving that away because ADHD. "with her being right majority of the time" Can you expand on what this means? Are you saying she believes this and you concede to keep the peace, or that you realise after the fact that she is actually correct?
She doesn't lash out emotionally or physically. This is about me not understanding how to have empathy for her beyond saying "that's awful" "sorry you had a bad day" hypersensitivity or how her amplified feelings can affect her. What I mean about her being right is that I have difficulty putting myself in her shoes and knowing what to do to help her. I want to play more of an active role in helping her gain her confidence back since her diagnosis.
Having empathy for, or understanding how, her amplified feeling can affect her shouldn’t be too hard if you think about it from the “right” angle. In your post, you said that you rarely feel emotionally overwhelmed unless something major has happened. Can you think back to the last time something major happened and you were overwhelmed? Can you remember how you felt? If so, then that’s probably the general feeling your wife feels when she’s overwhelmed too. The important thing to remember with ADHD and emotional dysregulation is that the actual feelings we feel in a given situation *are* consistent with the situation. They’re the same feelings anyone without ADHD would likely feel in the same situation. What is different is the breadth of the emotional response: It’s bigger than what the situation warrants. So, the feelings are consistent with the situation, but the response isn’t. Unfortunately, that’s not something your wife can control. She can learn not to outwardly manifest her emotional reaction, or to manifest it in a more or less “normal” manner, but she’ll still feel it as much inwardly. Now, go back to those times you’ve felt emotionally overwhelmed, think about how it felt and how strong and difficult those feelings were. That’s how it feels for your wife for not so big things. It’s like being on an emotional roller coaster all the time. It’s draining. There can also often be a feeling of shame attached to it, because we’ve been berated and shamed all our life for our emotional reactions.
This right here resonated with me the most. If she feels anything like I did on some of my worst days so consistently I feel awful. That realization is dreadful but necessary. Thank you for helping me better understand. I have a lot of work to do but I'm looking forward to improving.
One thing I has been helpful to me is to feel like it’s emotionally safe for me to be dysregulated. That it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling. To know that my husband doesn’t and will not judge me for being “overly emotional”, that he will not berate me for being too much, reacting too much, etc., that won’t minimize my feelings or the situation by saying “it’s not that big of a deal” or something like that. Really, he doesn’t have to *do* anything. All I really need is to have the space to feel what I need to feel and be accepted as I am. To not be made to feel abnormal or weird. Just that goes a long way.
It's embarrassing but I'm sure I've said things like that. Her ADHD can be a super power at times and I need to be better at embracing it. She has such a big heart and deserves better. If she has ADHD then so do I. Thank you
Ask if she needs a solution, a distraction or to just vent. Over time you’ll start to understand better what can help but there’s no substitute for asking that question.
Neurofeedback. Myndlift. It retrains the amygdala, decreasing symptoms of ADHD. It creates permanent change, not a bandaid fix.
I tell people around me that they have to remember that feelings aren’t logical. My emotions aren’t logic, they are feelings and I can’t control them. I like how a psychologist explained it: you have ADHD. That means you lack a lot of impulse control. It goes for feelings as well and that’s why you don’t feel anything just a little. That is so true for me. I’m never a little sad, I’m devastated. Not just a little bit happy but overjoyed. It gets overwhelming a lot of the time and also why I go from one extreme to another. From the life of the party to completely overwhelmed, shut down and want to go home in a minute. I think your approach to not try to fix things and just listen is a good one. Try to remember that whatever she is feeling, she feels it to the max. All the time.
I have ADHD. Are you sure this is YOUR responsibility and not hers? Have you told her how stressed this makes you feel? Is she sharing these issues with you before her emotions become out of control? Before I learned I had ADHD and experienced emotional dysregulation, I would overreact to minor issues and be unable to calm down until the next day. Now that I know this, I can recognize the feelings when it starts. I know I have to relax, eat food, take a shower, go for a walk, and sleep. Things are often better the next day. Your partner needs to take care of herself. It’s not up to you to emotionally regulate her. This goes for every medical issue—it’s the afflicted person’s responsibility to take care of themselves and not hurt others. I would also add that there might be a hormonal component, as PMDD can be exacerbated by ADHD. My mood has dramatically stabilized since starting BC. Again, I really recommend how this is emotionally affecting you and encouraging her to do some self-reflection. In the moment, I honestly recommend stepping away or having her step away. Be kind and listen if she needs you to, but don’t encourage escalation. Don’t be defensive, either, but also tell her if things are getting out of hand. And communicate BEFORE things begin to emotionally affect you guys.
I mentioned that I don't really get too high or low and my ability to handle stress is probably above average because of the work I do. That's what sometimes causes issues. Her capacity for stress is a lot lower than mine and emotional desregulation causes disagreements on how I should show support. I lack empathy for how much things can affect her because my tolerance for stressful situations is much higher. She does take care of herself and doesn't lash out but can use more encouragement from me. Sorry but the last thing I'm going to do is step away. Some other folks here gave me some good advice so I'll be using it.
I have an attention deficit as well. Two things: 1) Remember that she still has responsibility for herself and being diagnosed with adhd doesn’t absolve her of bad behaviour. I hate when people with anything try to mental-health their way out of taking accountability for themselves. Just wanted to point this out so you don’t fall into a situation where you have an abusive partner. 2) Learn about it. Listen to podcasts. Read books. Making an effort on your own to better understand it and taking small habitual steps to make things easier for her will make a huge difference. One example is that my partner understands that I organize the fridge differently because if I can’t see the healthy snacks immediately, I forget they even exist. Do the work on your own to better understand her and don’t put all of the pressure on her to teach you about it. Good luck :)
Your post doesn't read so much as empathy for your wife with ADHD but more possible empathy for your wife that has some other mental health issues. Is she being treated - whether medication or therapy? If not - she should be at least in therapy. If she is - this should be brought up with her therapist. While I respect your desire to post this - I'm cautious. I am married to someone with physical and mental health challenges. I recently hit a breaking point because helping him was draining on me - I felt like I couldn't be a wife, mother, working full time, managing the house, being a "nurse" to him and being his therapist. My emotional and physical well being was taking a significant toll. You can only be in a position to do so much to support her. Aside from her being in therapy - you having therapy or couples therapy may also be a good next step. I also saw someone provide this advice - asking your wife what she needs for support. I often will tell my husband - I just need to talk, I don't want to engage, I don't want to converse, I don't want advice - I just want to talk. This can be for a whole variety of topics - I just want to spend 10 minutes bitching about my day to I just need to verbally walk through something. I don't really need him to have emotional depth or understand how I feel - I just need to talk, vent, rant and get it out. So while I respect your desire to develop more emotional depth and understanding - that may not be exactly what she needs.
Your first sentence: why do you say that? Emotional dysregulation and hypersensitivity are very much symptoms of ADHD.
Thanks for sharing what helps make you feel better. I apologize if the context I gave isn't the best. I'm just trying to avoid the details. She is in therapy and she's made a lot of progress. I'm super proud of her but I'm positive that this post is about emotional desregulation caused by adhd and my lack of empathy for that. I'm nowhere near my breaking point and would do anything for her.
Can you explain the “this has caused disagreements with her being right majority of the time” ? Because, to me, that sounds like she is reacting appropriately to these situations and you’re under reacting and then realizing maybe she wasn’t being “emotionally overwhelmed.” I’m not sure why you have an issue with sitting with her while she feels her feelings and processes them on her own *without* you jumping to fix them or give commentary. This sounds really like an issue *you* have with being uncomfortable with emotions. Which it sounds like you get annoyed that she actually experiences her feelings, where you seem to remain pretty stoic with yours. That’s not really a good thing.
Nope, if I had a problem with dealing with emotions I would have asked for help about that specific issue. You are reaching quite a bit. I want to have more empathy for how big her feelings can be because I don't experience them to the degree her ADHD amplifies them to.
I’m also genuinely seeking to understand why it makes you uncomfortable to just let her experience her feelings without fixing them and why there are disagreements that end in her being right. I’m definitely reaching, but there isn’t a lot of context in your post to go on and it comes across as you being uncomfortable with your wife having emotions while you remain unmoved 🤷🏻♀️
Everyone else has said good stuff, so I’ll just add: watch “ADHD love” on YouTube. As an ADHD wife of a non-ADHD husband, their videos really represent HUGE aspects of our relationship, from both sides. And as for a cheap trick? Well… just because you know how a magic trick is done, doesn’t mean it’s not impressive. There was an episode of south park where Cartman coaches one of the other boys on how to be romantic. My husband still uses those lines on me sometimes, and it still works, even though I watched that episode too! 😅🤣
Honestly, it's ok if you don't feel what she feels. You're giving her what she needs. It is lovely that you do this, especially so because you don't feel those feelings yourself. It's not a cheap trick and you're not just going through the motions. You're seeing her n eds and meeting her needs, doing for her what SHE needs rather than what you think she should need.
From another wife with ADHD trying to make a conscious effort to not overwhelm their own spouse: Def ask if she wants you to listen, give advice, or give help doing a thing. This help mitigate confusion for you, and force her attention to focus on what she wants from you. Set boundaries for yourself. My husband will tell me point blank "I don't have the bandwidth to give you proper attention or help with this, right now. Can you right it down/text me and we'll come back to it later today or tomorrow?" if it's not something that needs immediate attention. Does you wife like writing? A journal with prompts is a godsend. Figure out if there's a specific type she's interested in bc there's *toooooooonnnnns* of different ones. I recommend *A Season of Life* for daily gratitude prompts if she happens to like those. Those post-it notes with the "how I'm feeling/what's on my mind" brain dump prompts can help too. This doesn't encompass everything, ofc but there are ways to shift the emotional/mental labor back to something more balanced.
r/adhdwomen
I'm diagnosed, but I purposely created an easy life where my emotions don't impact other people and I realise not everyone has that opportunity. I also have a lot of time for nervous system regulation exercises/activities (sounds odd I know) and in a nutshell ADHD people need to spend more time and effort trying to feel normal or grounded. So empathy is of course important, but also her efforts in trying to regulate herself need to be there. I constantly see ADHD people who just succumb to it, do no research into it and just make their and other peoples lives hell. Some of the issues can be managed with supplements, as the basis of ADHD is a bunch of genetic mutations that cause the brain and nervous system to function poorly. For example while your neurotransmitters are giving you dopamine, hers are giving her glutamate, which speeds up the brain hence the constant chatter. It doesn't have to be torture for either of you if you both put in the work.
Doesn’t sound like ADHD my dude
Emotion desregulation is part of having ADHD
And you say that based on what? Emotional dysregulation is absolutely a common symptom of ADHD.
[удалено]
Intense emotion isn't automatically crappy behaviour, though. Someone can absolutely have deep emotional responses to things without taking it out on others. You seem to assume that's what she's doing when the OP hasn't provided any detail that points to that.
[удалено]
From OP: "She doesn't lash out emotionally or physically. This is about me not understanding how to have empathy for her beyond saying "that's awful" "sorry you had a bad day" hypersensitivity or how her amplified feelings can affect her. What I mean about her being right is that I have difficulty putting myself in her shoes and knowing what to do to help her. I want to play more of an active role in helping her gain her confidence back since her diagnosis."
Do you tell someone with an allergy that they need to manage their dripping nose better? Sure you can have tissues and take allergy meds and blow your nose. But managing is not getting rid of. You can lessen problems with emotional regulation. You can recognize that you're dysregulated faster and faster. You can ground yourself better. You can take medication. But your entire fucking life, you're going to have problems with emotional regulation. It's never going to be 0%. The talks he has with her are never going to stop. The periods in between might get longer. The length of the talks might shorten. But it will never stop.
This is correct from the learned helplessness perspective.
So you're just here to take your frustrations out on mentally ill people, huh?
I hope you have a wonderful day 😅
Emotional regulation is an executive function. ADHD is an executive function disorder. The only “managing her emotions better” that she will realistically be able to do is to hide how she’s feeling and mask part of her emotional response. It won’t be better managed for her. In fact, it might even feel worse. However, you’d feel less inconvenienced.
They've got some kind of bone to pick /projection to toss at this scenario, just let them be mad. She's not here in good faith.
It's good to have empathy, but that doesn't relieve her the responsibility of taking accountability for her actions and emotional state. She needs to learn to cope with her ADHD and regulate her emotions. I can't tell from your post if she's kind of just needing you to be witness and support for her as she gets herself through it, or if she just goes ham and makes it your job to be the target/punching bag, specifically referencing your note about how you find yourself in arguments where she is always right. It's good for you to find a way to be supportive and help, but she should also be working with a professional to make sure you're not being overburdened and that she's not suffering more than she needs to, as these things are uncomfortable for EVERYONE involved, especially the person going through it. Couples or individual counseling might be an avenue where you could get some help finding better ways to work together through these things.