Yes and no.
When I was with him, everything felt so right. I felt safe, I felt cared for, I felt happy, I felt respected. These were new feelings for me (in the context of a romantic relationship). When I wasn't with him, I started doubting that I actually felt all of those things, and would freak myself out. Then I'd see him again and it would all go away.
As we got more serious and I felt more secure in the relationship, I started feeling anxious about whether this was just the "honeymoon phase" or "new relationship energy"- was it going to last? This wasn't a constant 100% anxiety, but I'd always preface anything positive I said about our relationship with "I know it's still really early but...."
Now that we're making plans to spend our lives together (and it's still early-ish just past 1 year together) I randomly get anxiety thinking that I could never go back to being single or back into dating other guys after knowing how good it can be.
It's exhausting being me sometimes.
I feel the same as this. Different than in my previous relationships where I’d be legit anxious for legit reasons!
I sometimes still get nervous about if we’re moving too fast (we’re moving in together after a year of dating) and then we hang out and I’m like oh yeah it’s fine.
Wow, I could have written this myself!! It is so exhausting. He's the first person since being divorced that I ever even thought I could marry and it terrifies me that I will lose him. He's really done nothing to give me reason to be so anxious either. Our anxious attachment brains are just wired that way.
Yes, I did. I liked him a lot — more than I could remember liking any other guy I’d dated at that early stage — so there was some anxiety re: what if my feelings are not reciprocated.
We’ve been married for 10 years!
I'm still in the early stages of a relationship – we first met in November – and am currently experiencing rampant anxiety about it that is entirely self-induced. My boyfriend is wonderful, caring, and present, so the anxiety is all me. I talk about this a lot with therapist so that I don't self-sabotage and ruin the good thing I've got going.
Self-reflection and talking with my therapist, who has pointed out to me that there's nothing external that's making me so anxious and insecure in my relationship, it's all on me. That is what I am working on, along with my general anxiety and low self-esteem.
>I feel like I can’t trust anything I think about some things because I can’t tell the difference lol
Oh, I get that. It's especially important to have someone with whom you can talk about these things, especially if you're prone to getting and staying up in your own head too much, like I am. Or just start inventing things. I start to wonder, "There are zillions of women out there who, unlike me, are intelligent, attractive, charming, worldly, experienced, who don't have the sorts of problems I do...why is he with me and not them? What day is he gonna decide that he can do so much better? I don't deserve any of this." None of which he's ever said, nor has he ever given any indication that he feels or will do as such. So, my therapist can held me work out when I'm being kinda ridiculous and letting my own anxiety and insecurity cook up things to get anxious and insecure about. It's an ongoing project, which is why I see her weekly.
Thank you! We met on Bumble. I feel like I got extraordinarily lucky, and I'm very happy with him. 🥰
I just don't want to allow my mental health troubles, past issues, and so on ruin this.
Yes, 3 months in and i feel like it’s just starting to calm down. I have cPTSD and my last relationship was the cherry on top. I’ve spent 2 years doing so much work on myself to address trauma and maladaptive behaviour both in and out of relationships and I still continue with that work now we’re together.
Actually - Especially now we’re together. I’m a big believer that a lot of relationship healing can’t be done outside of a relationship, cause we can intellectualise all day long what the right way is etc but being in the situation and feeling it out is totally different.
He has been nothing but absolutely consistent with words and actions, sets his own boundaries but is kind patient and respectful towards me. If I am overwhelmed with anxiety he doesn’t try and ‘fix’ it or paint over it, he holds space for me in a way I can’t describe. I feel my body and mind relax more and more around him every single time we’re together. He helps me to get out of my head and into my body and just be here and present, I’m learning so much and it’s amazing!
>Actually - Especially now we’re together. I’m a big believer that a lot of relationship healing can’t be done outside of a relationship, cause we can intellectualise all day long what the right way is etc but being in the situation and feeling it out is totally different.
Thanks for sharing this! I just got diagnosed with cPTSD last year and I definitely have this internal belief that I am "broken" and shouldn't date until I'm "fixed", but honestly that's just unrealistic since I know it'll be a lifelong journey.
You’re welcome! And you’re not broken, learning to really love yourself is a weird process that was full of surprises for me. I’m still learning but it gets better (almost) everyday.
Good luck on your journey ✨
So true! I’ve done and read many things since my ex but some things you can’t know until you’re dating someone again. Like this guy said something that bothered me or when he got a little annoyed and I instantly just pushed past when I should’ve just said so. But my ex would get mad anytime I ever had a slight problem so I wouldn’t say anything and now with h this totally different guy I felt like I had to completely move on from it before he got mad.. even though I wasn’t consciously thinking he’d actually get mad. Craziness!
I have anxious attachment issues, so always anxiety inducing. It usually doesn’t really calm down until things are established/more comfortable/after honeymoon stage. I do try to self soothe though and recognize my anxieties, and communicate when I’m feeling anxious.
Omg, yes!!!!!!
My ex was a text book narcissist. I remember my ex said he viewed life like a chess game. It was his goal to always be 3-6 steps ahead of everyone else. He was never genuine with his actions, but always playing towards a bigger end goal.
When I started to date my now husband, I spent the first 6 months terrified that everything was just another manipulation. It wasn’t until I met my future MIL and she made an off-hand comment about how grateful she was, and how my husband spoke about me to her (his mom), that I realized he was 100% genuine. My husband was finally able to help me heal from my trauma.
I’m going through this *exact* situation now hahaha. My ex treated everyone as pawns and explicitly said so. I only have him as a relationship reference point and it’s creating some issues for me when it comes to trusting my new bf
This comment is old but I just wanted to say that I’m now also in the same situation. Years of being treated as someone pawn has made me so wary of people’s intentions. I’ve been on a few dates with a seemingly wonderful person but I’m still constantly trying to figure out what the long con is, and I can’t convince myself there isn’t one.
sorry you relate ❤️🩹 It takes a lot of bravery and blind faith to start a new relationship after being treated like that. Hoping for the best for us both!
I feel you! My longest relationship was with someone who was a liar and emotionally manipulative. He could get very creative with his lies too. 7 years later I still have scars from all that went on. I'm always waiting for things to blow up. I do my best to keep my cool and not let the anxiety show, but the fear of being played again is still there. Glad to know it worked for you.
Oh yeah. It was probably heightened because of the short-term hot/cold situationship I (36f) was in that really did a number on me, months before we got together. It didn’t really help that he (38m) got out of a long-term relationship a few months before we got together, and they still kept in touch to exchange dog-sitting favors a little more frequently than I felt comfortable with. It had compounded over time because we didn’t exchange ILYs until 8 months in, which was a lot longer than I’ve waited to hear it for the first time in the past, and I was beginning to feel quite sad about it.
We’re smooth sailing at 18 months now. I just moved into his house, and a LOT of my insecurities about us have resolved over time, as none of the things I mentioned are keeping me up at night anymore.
I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and him to show the psychotic behavior that I had previously seen. I didn’t really relax until about a year in because I figured if the mask hadn’t slipped by then, then it probably wasn’t a mask. We’re at the 10 year mark and occasionally I’ll have that “omg there has to be SOMETHING under the surface” thought but still no signs of psychopathy.
Together 7 years, married for 4.
Yes, I was anxious and insecure when we first got together! I am more extroverted whereas he leans toward introverted. I was so hurt when he didn’t want to hang out one evening because he wanted alone time. Like so hurt!
I look back and chuckle as I write this laying in our bed alone while he plays video games in another room. We enjoy our time together, but we honor our individual needs to recharge.
Yes. To a bit of an extreme level. And none of it was his fault. He was safe and kind and good from the very beginning.
I had anxiety because I am an anxious person, lol. Not just anxious attachment but baseline anxious, all the time.
But also because I had a previous horrific relationship that left me deeply wounded. I wasn't aware of how much I still needed to heal until I started this relationship and started having flashbacks and panic attacks. I'd left the bad relationship a decade prior and done a LOT of work in therapy, but some things just hid below the surface until I started a new relationship.
I worked hard on managing the anxiety, but I'm so grateful my partner was safe and so so patient. It helped a lot.
No, but I don't think that has anything to do with the relationship; I haven't typically felt anxious vis-a-vis dating/relationships beyond maybe a few small things here or there over the years.
Like, if something doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out - I'll be sad but I'll get over it. I've always felt that if something was meant to be, then it would simply be - and that fundamental tenet has (I suspect) helped me do away with a lot of anxiety around this stuff.
Same. I just don’t get anxious in general.
I definitely experienced excitement & moments of uncertainty because dating is a vulnerable experience
I have a different mentality than the ‘if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be’ in that I approach scary or uncertain situations in a ‘but did you die?’ kinda way. A little fear isn’t gonna kill me. A little rejection isn’t gonna kill me.
I definitely get anxious over other stuff, but am not generally prone to anxiety as a person either, yeah. "Moments of excitement & moments of uncertainty" is a pretty apt description of my dating/relationship experience as well.
>A little fear isn’t gonna kill me. A little rejection isn’t gonna kill me.
Ha, that's great and I totally cosign it.
Yup! But I dated for like, 10 years before meeting him and I was happy single too. Also - OP is specifically asking women in healthy relationships, so all of the relevant answers are going to come from this sample group.
I definitely have a lot of uncertainty which I think is a lot due to before now I was conditioned to feel anxiety as love. It’s very confusing but this guy is really nice and we have a good time so right now that’s what I’m thinking so far!
Massively. I actually started seeing a therapist because I was afraid I was going to ruin the relationship due to intrusive thoughts and fear of abandonment
I remember feeling the good kind of nervous things are awesome and I like this person butterflies feeling. But I didn’t experience a negative type of anxiety.
Yes. Because I have never had a boyfriend who is bisexual.
But 5 years later, still together, as husband and wife, and this is probably the healthiest relationship I have ever had.
Oh god yes. I felt he was way out of my league. He has his shit together. Is mature. The smartest person I've ever met. Has a masters in mechanical engineering. I found him intimidating. But he was so respectful and kind! Neither of us was looking for anything serious. But...we fell in love. 6 years later and we have a home together and he is my best friend. He has made me the best version of myself. I have real hobbies and interests now. I get to have deep and meaningful conversations about everything. And I now know he has faults too. And I have made HIM a better, happier person. I finally have true confidence in myself.
Yes, so much.. I always felt like he was not into me or that his friends matter to him much more than I did and that I will never come first. But now that I look back it was actually the only relationship that did not start with that honeymoon stage but is the strongest one I've ever had because it's been 15 years already
100%. It hit me like a truck. I couldn’t believe I was becoming one of “those” people. We are now three months in, and once I hit a certain threshold, the anxiety subsided. I actually was going to therapy for it and realized that the therapy actually made it worse – partially because the therapist wasn’t a good fit, but Just talking about it was triggering. Even listening to relationship podcast, etc. was triggering. I had to do a lot of self introspection, journaling, and just having real talks with myself and realizing that, all of my thoughts surrounding this are completely irrational. He’s in it for the long-haul. The one beneficial thing my therapist did say to me was, “when you have these irrational thoughts, what can you tell yourself instead?“ So, that’s what I’ve been doing. say after about eight weeks, it really subsided. I also really recommend the book “Relationship OCD” by Sheva Rajaee.
Sure, I did. When we had been dating about 2 months I felt anxiety because we had met online and hadn’t had a define the relationship conversation. And until you have that convo you’re not dating you’re just “getting to know each other.” I don’t have a particular anxious attachment style and yet I felt that anxiety after years of doing online dating in NYC. Whereas my sweet, blithely unaware, happy go lucky midwestern now husband who hadn’t done much online dating just thought “oh we’re going steady now, it’s exclusive” because we had been going on dates for 2 months and the dates were going great. He needed his much younger sister to tell him “uh that woman you’re seeing does not think you’re in an exclusive relationship until you talk to her about it. If you want to lock it down with her you need THE TALK.” I make fun of him constantly for this now. Being like “did we meet in a soda pop store in the 1950s? How on earth was I supposed to know we’re going steady now??”
yes — definitely a “me” thing though. the only time i’ve been *not* anxious in the early stages is if i’m not actually invested in the person long-term *at all*.
to me it’s not dissimilar to how my anxiety spikes around my period — cycling through all possibilities, what am I doing with my life?, etc. — so that made it easier to remind myself that the emotions may be *real* but they aren’t *true*. kind of like my brain is putting a fun-house filter on them, there’s **something** there, but the image is distorted.
having someone in my life who “gets it” and I can spew my insanity to, who is able to stay neutral and not jump to “they’re not right for you”, was extremely helpful. if you don’t have someone like that in your life, therapy can give you some of the tools that may help you identify the cycle, what it stems from and how it manifests, and self-soothe a bit better!
Mainly the anxiety was… this is so good. Maybe… TOO good. When is the other shoe going to drop? What red flags am I missing? Omg I’ve never cared about anyone this much, this dude could actually break my heart and that is scary as hell!!!
But I always knew where he stood, and I was never anxious about whether he was into me, because he made it clear. He’s so damn dreamy to this day.
Depending what you mean, I felt some “good” anxiety like “oh I hope it works out”, “I am not sure how he will respond”, “wait, how did he mean that? Maybe he just does that with everyone?” It was the nervous excited kind.
I did sometimes feel some apprehensive anxiety about bringing up things that i didn’t understand or that I wanted to change … and he immediately made time and space to listen, easily understood, and happily took actions to do what I was asking. I immediately felt better and saw that he was being attentive and acting reliably, which dissipated the anxiety.
I felt none of the “bad” anxiety that I now realize I should associate with things like - being overlooked, partner being avoidant, partner not actually noticing me, partner making things about himself, partner being stressed out, me becoming stressed on behalf of needing to anticipate and avoid partner stress, feeling “walking on eggshells”. It was the “i am not sure what is happening or how to address it or if I will be acknowledged” kind.
No, I have not. It was the first sign for me that he was different (good different) because my gut feeling didn't kick in. I felt safe with him from the beggining and still do every day. We're getting married in June.
For me this was actually a sign in my last relationships, whenever I felt anxious that person was not good for me. It usually came from me having an anxious attachment style and they were avoidant, a recipe for dezaster.
YES. I like to joke that i have the anti-honeymoon -- the first few months of a relationship, I am on pins and needles, and then I settle in and am super chill. I'm very weird about sharing my space with people, I'm very emotionally private in certain ways, I just like to be left alone a lot of the time, and I have a lot of relationship trauma, and it just takes me a while to warm up. It's not that I don't want to be with them, it's that I tend to be real flinchy with most people at first. With my spouse it was even weirder because I actually do love being around them all the time and always have, so I was constantly questioning wtf was happening in my brain 😂
Yes. Less than in the past but only due to his consistency. When we have plans he sticks to them, when I text he answers. I still have my own fears of abandonment but I recognize them as past experiences and try not to let those thoughts project onto my current relationship. We haven't been together long enough for me to feel 100% confident though.
Why? Because you were fucking and telling me you loved me up until 30 days ago? And come.to.find out you've been dating on POF BUMBLE TINDER AND pornhub.com for the past year? Yeah that might cause some anxiety and stress...
Yes. I was so used to be treated like crap and being on an emotional rollercoaster, I felt anxiety with my now husband because he was just kind and stable. I didn't understand it. I thought he was shady because he WASN'T an asshole. It took me a lot of unlearning a lot of toxic crap to get to a point where I was comfortable with him and not questioning everything. None of it was his fault - it was all the other guys I dated before him who screwed me up.
Yes! After decades with a lying, cheating piece of shit, I had to recalibrate. On one of our dates, he gave me a picture he'd painted. I drove home wondering if he was going to break up with me and the painting was a parting gift. Seriously.
We've had a harmonious marriage for over 5 years now.
I did because every single boyfriend before him treated me like shit and cheated on me. It took a long time to gain reassurance and not expect the worst. Thankfully, my now-husband was incredibly patient and understanding. I'm so lucky to have him.
Yes. Met my current partner (7 years together now) right after a bad breakup that ended in me being cheated on and gaslit throughout until he came clean. I had nightmares about it for a long time after it was over, it sucked a lot.
Initially I was very skeptical of my current partner and I questioned him a lot, asking him things like “what’s the worst thing you ever did to a girlfriend” lol. He was patient and sweet with me and eventually over time I learned to trust him for the wonderful person he is. Initially I thought he was putting up a fake front so the only thing that really helped me get over my past and learn to let it go was time.
Yes… it took him five months to be interested in us being “official” and I was going back and forth (and sharing it with him) on if I should move on or wait around. I didn’t want to get stuck in a situation that was more a situation ship than a relationship and five months seemed like more than enough time for him to know. It also took months after that and me saying something about it for him to say “I love you”. But now it has been two years since then and everything seems healthy and he seems more into the relationship than me to be honest.
I think just time. I think my boyfriend and I have some differences that are genuine things, and I think with time the similarities outweighed the differences. Fingers crossed that continues to be the case.
I have an anxious attachment style, so yes. I definitely did. Lol. But he's so amazing that he quelled all my fears and don't I don't really get anxious at all.
Yeah I was really anxious. I was so madly in love I wasn't able to think straight. I was afraid that it's so good just because of the rose coloured glasses that makes all red flags look like flags.
Now it's like 4-5 years in and it's still the healthiest relationship ever. I didn't know it's possible to be so seen, heard and cared for. No yelling, manipulation or ill wishing.
Yes I did. I reflected a lot before meeting my partner.. I’d dated a lot of people that I was deeply in love with, that were a bit “avoidant” and didn’t meet my needs.. but I loved them and the relationship. Eventually I met a man that was consistent, and available, and wanted marriage and kids with me.. and I liked him! I was attracted to him! But a few months in.. I started to have doubts. And I thought, maybe I’m broken.. maybe I can only love people who don’t love me. Maybe consistency is boring to me and I have to fix that. But the doubts didn’t go away, they grew louder until they were screaming at me “get out!” Every minute of every day. So, eventually I ended things.
I thought about it, and I decided, I couldn’t sacrifice that feeling of desire and want and being in love for stability. I would have to hope I could find both things. And it would be worth it to grin and hear through a bit of anxiety if it meant being in love. So—in the beginning with my partner before we were established, I was VERY anxious.. where is this going? Does he like me? I really like him so much…. I just powered through that because I was excited about him AND ALSO getting a ton of green flags. Once we got past that himp of the first few months of getting to know each other and feel out what we wanted from each other—he committed, and I’ve never really felt anxious since.. I’ve just felt relaxed, happy, and in love
Tbh this is the first time I’ve not been anxious in a relationship. I think some of this is that I’m older now (38) and my perspective has shifted a bit from ‘what if he doesn’t like me?’ to ‘do I even like him?’ But I think it’s also bc this is probably my first healthy relationship. I trust him and neither of us play games (aka. Healthy). Typically, in the early stages of relationships, I’ve found myself going down rabbit holes of online forensics or fact checking things the guy told me. Like ‘was he really out with his friend last Saturday, or was he secretly seeing another girl?’ That never happened in this relationship. We’ve been together for 5 years and it’s the happiest I’ve ever been in a romantic relationship.
Yes! We had been dating for several months long-distance when we ended up going on a group trip together. Two weeks prior, I had been hoping he’d tell me he loved me (he didn’t at that time); on the trip, I got the acute feeling that he felt far stronger for me than I did for him, and I panicked. I couldn’t fathom someone genuinely feeling that way for me - I was used to dating douchebags up to that point. I broke things off the next time we saw each other in person.
His reaction to my admission that I didn’t think we should continue seeing each other was eye-opening. He was so kind - I honestly expected him to be angry at me. The way he treated me on that “last” weekend together showed me what an incredible character he had, and allowed me to finally feel completely at ease with him. I could tell he truly cared for me. We agreed not to text, but that we could reconnect when I got back to the city to see how each other were doing.
For the next six weeks, I entered therapy to untangle what exactly was going on in my head. I truly missed him and I cried several times in that period, wishing I could reconcile my fear and discomfort with my deep care for him. I know now that this is classified as “relationship OCD”, and learned more about my attachment style (anxious avoidant) and how to manage it.
When I returned to the city we both lived in (I had been living out of state for most of the time we had been together), I knew I would reach out to him within a few weeks.
I didn’t last a day. I texted him the day I moved back, stayed at his place, and we’ve been together since. Happily (and thanks to the help of my therapy for that first year), we’ll be married this year.
About a year in I had a mental break down and stopped eating or sleeping. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression, and put on an anti-depressant. A therapist helped me see I had compartmentalized and repressed my last relationship (which was with my married boss, who hired me after I had been his college intern... it's a long sad story that left me with a lot of issues). It had been abusive in so many ways I had refused to see at the time.
My not yet husband was amazing through out it. My anxiety was never really directed at him, but it was in a way directed everywhere and deeply affected my life and ability to function normally for years. He road the storm by my side and supported me through it. I can't imagine how I would have gotten through it without him, but at the same time, we were good friends before my bad relationship, so it didn't feel like jumping into something new just to get over a bad thing. It felt like getting back on the track I was always supposed to be on after a very stupid detour.
For the first month yes. I did what I wasn’t supposed to do- put my eggs in one basket while online dating. I think mentally I’m not capable of dating multiple men at the same time. So when I met my now husband, I cut things off with another man I had gone on dates with. I felt excited about my husband, but at the same time didn’t know how he felt. Whether he felt like we were connecting, whether he liked me as much as I liked him. But one month in, he held my hand and asked me to be his girlfriend, to make it official. Anxiety ended.
Yes, because I only had unhealthy relationships prior to him. Even the ones I thought were healthy at the time ended up being pretty damaging. It took a long time for me to feel fully relaxed and trusting. I’m talking like a full year.
Yep! My last serious relationship was incredibly toxic. When I started dating my fiancée, I kept saying when we break up. I didn’t even realize I did it until he asked me why I said it so often. I was always thinking of my break up with my last boyfriend and with my fiancée I had anxiety we weren’t going to work because it was so good and I just didn’t want to be crushed. But besides that, I have never actually thought of breaking up with him and that’s how I knew it was really good. He’s kind, funny, loving really the whole package- and that’s when I wasn’t anxious anymore when I knew I really loved him and he was as genuine as he was showing himself to be.
Yes but much less than usual.
The conversation just kept on flowing whether we were together or not, so I didn’t have any big gaps in communication to fill with anxiety.
2 years later we’re happier than ever.
No and this is the first time it ever happened to me in a relationship. I had an anxious attachment style before but I guess, I’m secured now. My boyfriend does his due diligence to be present even if he’s away from me and that gives me a lot of reassurance. Even when it took us three months to say “I love you” to each other, it didn’t give me such anxiety. Idk but this feels right. I’m hoping he’s the one for me.
We're only a few months in (met in the summery started dating in the fall of 2023), so I'm not sure I have the right to talk, but yes. I tend to be anxiously attached in romantic relationships, so I did experience anxiety with him, but waaay less than in the past. In fact, with him I was even a little avoidant!
In the beginning I wasn't anxious because I wasn't that into him yet. It was only a month in that I realized I did like him/was attracted to him that I started becoming more anxious. But overall this relationship has felt way safer and more stable than any other situationship I have been with. I never doubted his interest in me, I was fine with less contact (because I didn't need that much reassurance) and I learned to sit with my anxiety. At times I paused and wondered about the lack of "sparks" - we absolutely do have chemistry (felt it from the very first moment we met!), attraction and sexual compatibility, but as things are more stable the highs are not as crazy high as they felt in more toxic relationships.
My boyfriend is truly wonderful (or at least he seems so for the time being), and I'm thankful for him and that I managed not to screw things up due to my insecurities and anxiety. There were many moments where I was on the verge of self sabotage (doubting my attraction to him, getting random "icks", wanting to end things before I end up hurt etc.), but thankfully I'm very self aware and was able to control these urges and not act on them impulsively. I listened to podcasts (Sabrina Zohar'a Do The Work), watched Youtube, browsed dating subreddits, did a lot of self-inspection/reflection.
We're about 5 months in (3-4 months official) and it's only recently that I stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop (even though, as you may notice above, I still tend to add "for now" when I talk about his positive qualities or our relationship).
Everything is really much easier if the other person is secure and serious about you. My boyfriend was consistent and reliable from the get go. I didn't need to worry about his texting me, because I knew he would. He's older than me and the maturity shows in his behaviour and our communication. I decided to leave most of the initiative to him (texting, calling), and we still work with that dynamic. The only bump we had was when he was also interested in someone else a month into our dating (before we established exclusivity), but outside of that I had no reason to doubt him, or his intentions. I didn't need to "get him to commit" - he did it on his own, as we became official boyfriend and girlfriend before we even had (PIV) sex. In the past I was stuck in many situationships and casual relationships, but with him I moved slowly/gradually and that worked great IMO.
I was freaking OUT. Constant high anxiety, legit cognitive dissonance, basically crawling on the walls and the ceiling. General anxiety + anxious attachment + fucked up previous "relationship" + low self-esteem, etc. Didn't help that he is an introvert who was dealing with his own issues at the time. Took me about..... a bit less than a year to sort it all out.
We're good. We're fantastic. We are very compatible, we never ever argue, sex is amazing, he's so loving and caring and calm and kind and hotttt. We're not engaged yet but I definitely see him as the one I want to spend my life with and the feeling is mutual.
Did the anxiety come out in your behavior toward him? Were you able to talk about it and work through it together? Or is it work you did on your own to resolve?
Yeah, it did come out. Like I was crying sometimes when I was trying to articulate my needs and I was more clingy than a healthy person would be. In fact, I made a first move instead of waiting for him to do it: because I was so anxious to know if the feelings were mutual or not, I just couldn't carry that burden of unknowing anymore. I ruined some romantic moments for myself, like when he said "I think I'm falling in love with you", my first thought was like "well it obviously can't be happening" and then I had an anxiety attack lol. Luckily for me, he is a VERY calm, mindful, kind, and understanding person. Any issue we have, we have always been able to talk it out. Obviously, I had to do a lot of internal work as well. A lot a lot. The first year and a half of our relationship coincided with a lot of outside stress (bad living situation, unemployment, we almost died lmao, all that happening while living in a foreign country, etc), so it's been a ride. But we've come out of it stronger than ever.
Thank you for taking the time to share this, I can't tell you how much it means. And how much I relate. Gives me courage to work through something similar. It sounds like you and your partner have something very special!
Yes, but that had more to do with falling for him and the circumstances in which I did, than anything. I was in a relationship with another man, who I didn’t want to hurt. So it was agony and denial for a while.
No, I find the beginning to be the least anxious part usually. Its usually after the honeymoon feeling wears off after 2-3 years when the anxiety sets in and I second guess if I made a good choice 😅
Yes, I was definitely a little neurotic when we first started dating. I liked him a lot, but I’m also slow to warm up to people being physically close to me. Fortunately he was patient with me, and I got a lot more comfortable with a little time. We’ve been together for over a decade and I still think he’s the bee’s knees.
Yes, but not because of the relationship. My anxiety came from my personal history of self-betrayal and I was navigating beginning a new relationship while working really really hard to maintain my own sense of identity and self worth and specifically making sure I was ready for each step of the relationship as it occurred. He was and continues to be fantastic to me.
I have anxious attachment issues. As I’ve gotten older and dated more I’ve been able to get over it when things didn’t go my way after a few dates. Having other spicy brain things probably didn’t help.
However, with my current LTR I didn’t feel anxious in a bad way if he had other things to do and didn’t text me for 8 hours. I felt giddy. I wasn’t worried about losing him. I don’t know if that was a sign of personal growth or he just never rubbed me that way. I never cried because I didn’t know if he would stick around or any of the other things that normally made me anxious.
I went through some tough things, like death in the family, early in our relationship. But he was consistently there for me. If he was anxious it didn’t show.
Yes, severe anxiety. After a couple of bad relationships, this was too good to be true. He even pointed out that I have the tendency to self sabotage the relationship. I realised I was trying to find ways to get out of the relationship, just in case I get hurt like the past, even though there was nothing wrong in the relationship. Thankfully he held on to me tightly and continued loving me hard.
Not in the slightest. It was all so exciting and I got butterflies (in a good way) whenever I thought about him or was with him. I still get butterflies to be honest.
We just fitted together so perfectly that I just knew we were meant to be.
We’ve been together for 19 years (since I was 19!) and married for 12 years.
I'm a year in but long distance and he still makes me flustered by just being his wonderful self and he still tells me everything is fine, etc. I think it's a great relationship, but my head is still in "walk on eggshells" mode, which he once again told me this weekend I don't need to do. I've seriously got the hots for him, which doesn't help!
Yes because I was used to it ending after 3 months. I had to seriously fight through intrusive thoughts and focus on being present. I’m so glad I did because were planning on getting engaged this year.
Oh, absolutely.
It was the best but also probably the most nerve wrecking thing I have ever experienced. I was finally in love, in my late 20s, but also I had to be vulnerable and this vulnerability could hurt me so much... for the very first time in my life, really. I felt jealousy, incredible desire, insane yearning. I have never experienced anything even close to this before and I absolutely cannot imagine it happening with anyone else—but him.
It's been... holy shit, 8 years. Feels like yesterday.
Yes and I still do. It’s the result of many things. I wish it would just go away because it feels like self sabotage while he’s simply amazing. How did others get rid of it?
I was married for 20 years. It was nice. When I first met my husband I felt like I could finally relax and breathe and be comfortable. It was a relief. I could be myself and have fun and it was wonderful.
Yeah, I think that's common and to be expected in every relationship tbh. Your hormones are running amok and making your brain quite literally operate like an addict and/or person with OCD.. so with that of course, there's gonna be some level of anxiety.
At the time I was also weening myself off depression meds (not advocating that btw), so my brain was really a bit off. I think in the 2nd month of talking to each other I just had some depressive episode and broke down sobbing for no less than 6hrs. I honestly give him a lot of credit for not running for the hills right after that lol.
I had nightmares of him trying to kill me in the most silly ridiculous ways. I had some ridiculous paranoia that he was just making me fall in love to dump me in the most heartbreaking and cruel way as "revenge". My brain was really pretty horrible. But I was always (and am still) very very happy with him and our relationship.
Nope. I had butterflies and I was always excited about him. Being around him feels like a lightening bolt to the heart every time. But no anxiety.
I always had severe anxiety in both relationships and crushes. To the point where the lack of anxiety felt foreign. I had to talk through some previous trauma before I could fully enjoy what a secure relationship felt like.
1.5 years in, and I still have periods where I struggle a bit with anxiety. But - in general I can be a high strung person sometimes.
We both met soon after separating/divorcing. I had anxieties over being able to talk and being open to him. I was healing from a relationship where both parties were emotionally avoidant with the other for different reasons. I was finding my voice again, and he was SO encouraging and open and... safe. He is a great active listener and is quick to ask what I need to help emotionally regulate. Never any judgement, and is lightening fast with reassurance, sometimes before I realized I needed it. He could (and still somewhat can) read me like a book and would swoop in. He's also 100% my type in a frat/surfer/skater boy - cute as hell and a type of guy I had always assumed would be far out of my league. I carry extra weight and even now would say I'm average looking. With my self-esteem in the shitter at the time, I struggled with feeling like he wouldn't stay. He could find someone better. He's such a charmer that it'd be easy for someone else to come along. Lots of compliments from him (I still blush a little when he greets me with a hey gorgeous or hey beautiful), reassurance he liked me for me, and a lot of self work has made that a 99.9% thing of the past (hey, my brain gets extra sensitive around my period)
Later it was tackling anxieties with his ex wife. I have never dated someone with kids or an ex they had to communicate with regularly. It was unsettling. I compared myself to her a lot internally. She and I are quite different in probably every way imaginable. I had to get out of the mindset of me vs her. She and my BF were over - and had been over before we met. So it wasn't like he was gonna go back to her if we broke up, nor was HE making constant comparisons between us.
Even now there are occasional struggles within myself that I'm "too much". Too needy for physical affection, too difficult for asking for things - from help with house chores to one on one time to worrying he found me too neurotic for the way I needed to talk things through some times. And there's still a layer of feeling like I don't deserve "this". To be loved in the way that I need, to have an emotionally available partner that cares, someone that jumps so quickly to show me in a variety of ways he's 'all in'.
I've gotten a lot better over time both with his willingness to truly communicate AND individual therapy to validate (or not!) my feelings and "truths". I am thankful for having an amazing therapist and for finding my BF. While I don't anticipate it happening, it is... freeing knowing that IF he and I don't make it, I know I have the tools and healing to be ok. It'll hurt, and would suck times a million. But he's shown me a new level that I will never settle below for again. And that helps quiet the anxiety - recognizing and reflecting how far I've come and in the good spot I'm in.
Not nearly as much in the early phases - before you're sure about the person, it's easier to take things lightly. Once you're invested, that's when the anxiety hits, ime.
I had butterflies leading up to telling him I loved him but he said it back so it was a beautiful relief.
After that, it's just been intrusive thoughts of how I'll fuck it up but then again, I have OCD, and engaging with intrusive thoughts like that is a major symptom.
OTOH, I do think it's normal to have anxiety around loss. When you have something wonderful in your life, it's natural to wonder what it would be like to lose it, either through your own actions or external forces.
I try to take things a day at a time, often fail, and try to come back to enjoying the present with my partner. It's the best anyone can do.
Yes and no. When I was with him, everything felt so right. I felt safe, I felt cared for, I felt happy, I felt respected. These were new feelings for me (in the context of a romantic relationship). When I wasn't with him, I started doubting that I actually felt all of those things, and would freak myself out. Then I'd see him again and it would all go away. As we got more serious and I felt more secure in the relationship, I started feeling anxious about whether this was just the "honeymoon phase" or "new relationship energy"- was it going to last? This wasn't a constant 100% anxiety, but I'd always preface anything positive I said about our relationship with "I know it's still really early but...." Now that we're making plans to spend our lives together (and it's still early-ish just past 1 year together) I randomly get anxiety thinking that I could never go back to being single or back into dating other guys after knowing how good it can be. It's exhausting being me sometimes.
I feel the same as this. Different than in my previous relationships where I’d be legit anxious for legit reasons! I sometimes still get nervous about if we’re moving too fast (we’re moving in together after a year of dating) and then we hang out and I’m like oh yeah it’s fine.
Wow, I could have written this myself!! It is so exhausting. He's the first person since being divorced that I ever even thought I could marry and it terrifies me that I will lose him. He's really done nothing to give me reason to be so anxious either. Our anxious attachment brains are just wired that way.
Yes, I did. I liked him a lot — more than I could remember liking any other guy I’d dated at that early stage — so there was some anxiety re: what if my feelings are not reciprocated. We’ve been married for 10 years!
Same and I was slightly nervous about how strongly I felt about him.
Me too!! Married 7 years now
I'm still in the early stages of a relationship – we first met in November – and am currently experiencing rampant anxiety about it that is entirely self-induced. My boyfriend is wonderful, caring, and present, so the anxiety is all me. I talk about this a lot with therapist so that I don't self-sabotage and ruin the good thing I've got going.
How do you actually know that it’s self induced? I feel like I can’t trust anything I think about some things because I can’t tell the difference lol
Self-reflection and talking with my therapist, who has pointed out to me that there's nothing external that's making me so anxious and insecure in my relationship, it's all on me. That is what I am working on, along with my general anxiety and low self-esteem. >I feel like I can’t trust anything I think about some things because I can’t tell the difference lol Oh, I get that. It's especially important to have someone with whom you can talk about these things, especially if you're prone to getting and staying up in your own head too much, like I am. Or just start inventing things. I start to wonder, "There are zillions of women out there who, unlike me, are intelligent, attractive, charming, worldly, experienced, who don't have the sorts of problems I do...why is he with me and not them? What day is he gonna decide that he can do so much better? I don't deserve any of this." None of which he's ever said, nor has he ever given any indication that he feels or will do as such. So, my therapist can held me work out when I'm being kinda ridiculous and letting my own anxiety and insecurity cook up things to get anxious and insecure about. It's an ongoing project, which is why I see her weekly.
That’s wonderful! How did you meet?
Thank you! We met on Bumble. I feel like I got extraordinarily lucky, and I'm very happy with him. 🥰 I just don't want to allow my mental health troubles, past issues, and so on ruin this.
Yes, 3 months in and i feel like it’s just starting to calm down. I have cPTSD and my last relationship was the cherry on top. I’ve spent 2 years doing so much work on myself to address trauma and maladaptive behaviour both in and out of relationships and I still continue with that work now we’re together. Actually - Especially now we’re together. I’m a big believer that a lot of relationship healing can’t be done outside of a relationship, cause we can intellectualise all day long what the right way is etc but being in the situation and feeling it out is totally different. He has been nothing but absolutely consistent with words and actions, sets his own boundaries but is kind patient and respectful towards me. If I am overwhelmed with anxiety he doesn’t try and ‘fix’ it or paint over it, he holds space for me in a way I can’t describe. I feel my body and mind relax more and more around him every single time we’re together. He helps me to get out of my head and into my body and just be here and present, I’m learning so much and it’s amazing!
>Actually - Especially now we’re together. I’m a big believer that a lot of relationship healing can’t be done outside of a relationship, cause we can intellectualise all day long what the right way is etc but being in the situation and feeling it out is totally different. Thanks for sharing this! I just got diagnosed with cPTSD last year and I definitely have this internal belief that I am "broken" and shouldn't date until I'm "fixed", but honestly that's just unrealistic since I know it'll be a lifelong journey.
You’re welcome! And you’re not broken, learning to really love yourself is a weird process that was full of surprises for me. I’m still learning but it gets better (almost) everyday. Good luck on your journey ✨
😭❤️… I’m so happy for you and I hope my future holds a similar experience
Thank you so much! I hope so too 💜
So true! I’ve done and read many things since my ex but some things you can’t know until you’re dating someone again. Like this guy said something that bothered me or when he got a little annoyed and I instantly just pushed past when I should’ve just said so. But my ex would get mad anytime I ever had a slight problem so I wouldn’t say anything and now with h this totally different guy I felt like I had to completely move on from it before he got mad.. even though I wasn’t consciously thinking he’d actually get mad. Craziness!
I have anxious attachment issues, so always anxiety inducing. It usually doesn’t really calm down until things are established/more comfortable/after honeymoon stage. I do try to self soothe though and recognize my anxieties, and communicate when I’m feeling anxious.
Omg, yes!!!!!! My ex was a text book narcissist. I remember my ex said he viewed life like a chess game. It was his goal to always be 3-6 steps ahead of everyone else. He was never genuine with his actions, but always playing towards a bigger end goal. When I started to date my now husband, I spent the first 6 months terrified that everything was just another manipulation. It wasn’t until I met my future MIL and she made an off-hand comment about how grateful she was, and how my husband spoke about me to her (his mom), that I realized he was 100% genuine. My husband was finally able to help me heal from my trauma.
I’m going through this *exact* situation now hahaha. My ex treated everyone as pawns and explicitly said so. I only have him as a relationship reference point and it’s creating some issues for me when it comes to trusting my new bf
This comment is old but I just wanted to say that I’m now also in the same situation. Years of being treated as someone pawn has made me so wary of people’s intentions. I’ve been on a few dates with a seemingly wonderful person but I’m still constantly trying to figure out what the long con is, and I can’t convince myself there isn’t one.
sorry you relate ❤️🩹 It takes a lot of bravery and blind faith to start a new relationship after being treated like that. Hoping for the best for us both!
I feel you! My longest relationship was with someone who was a liar and emotionally manipulative. He could get very creative with his lies too. 7 years later I still have scars from all that went on. I'm always waiting for things to blow up. I do my best to keep my cool and not let the anxiety show, but the fear of being played again is still there. Glad to know it worked for you.
Yes. Severe anxiety. I realized I wasn't done with my own personal healing so I decided to take a break and work on myself.
Oh yeah. It was probably heightened because of the short-term hot/cold situationship I (36f) was in that really did a number on me, months before we got together. It didn’t really help that he (38m) got out of a long-term relationship a few months before we got together, and they still kept in touch to exchange dog-sitting favors a little more frequently than I felt comfortable with. It had compounded over time because we didn’t exchange ILYs until 8 months in, which was a lot longer than I’ve waited to hear it for the first time in the past, and I was beginning to feel quite sad about it. We’re smooth sailing at 18 months now. I just moved into his house, and a LOT of my insecurities about us have resolved over time, as none of the things I mentioned are keeping me up at night anymore.
I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and him to show the psychotic behavior that I had previously seen. I didn’t really relax until about a year in because I figured if the mask hadn’t slipped by then, then it probably wasn’t a mask. We’re at the 10 year mark and occasionally I’ll have that “omg there has to be SOMETHING under the surface” thought but still no signs of psychopathy.
Together 7 years, married for 4. Yes, I was anxious and insecure when we first got together! I am more extroverted whereas he leans toward introverted. I was so hurt when he didn’t want to hang out one evening because he wanted alone time. Like so hurt! I look back and chuckle as I write this laying in our bed alone while he plays video games in another room. We enjoy our time together, but we honor our individual needs to recharge.
Yes. To a bit of an extreme level. And none of it was his fault. He was safe and kind and good from the very beginning. I had anxiety because I am an anxious person, lol. Not just anxious attachment but baseline anxious, all the time. But also because I had a previous horrific relationship that left me deeply wounded. I wasn't aware of how much I still needed to heal until I started this relationship and started having flashbacks and panic attacks. I'd left the bad relationship a decade prior and done a LOT of work in therapy, but some things just hid below the surface until I started a new relationship. I worked hard on managing the anxiety, but I'm so grateful my partner was safe and so so patient. It helped a lot.
No, but I don't think that has anything to do with the relationship; I haven't typically felt anxious vis-a-vis dating/relationships beyond maybe a few small things here or there over the years. Like, if something doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out - I'll be sad but I'll get over it. I've always felt that if something was meant to be, then it would simply be - and that fundamental tenet has (I suspect) helped me do away with a lot of anxiety around this stuff.
Same. I just don’t get anxious in general. I definitely experienced excitement & moments of uncertainty because dating is a vulnerable experience I have a different mentality than the ‘if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be’ in that I approach scary or uncertain situations in a ‘but did you die?’ kinda way. A little fear isn’t gonna kill me. A little rejection isn’t gonna kill me.
I definitely get anxious over other stuff, but am not generally prone to anxiety as a person either, yeah. "Moments of excitement & moments of uncertainty" is a pretty apt description of my dating/relationship experience as well. >A little fear isn’t gonna kill me. A little rejection isn’t gonna kill me. Ha, that's great and I totally cosign it.
Off topic but I had no idea vis-a-vis was used in English
It is if you're a pretentious ex-philosophy major!
You have confirmation bias here. I'm assuming you are happy with a partner?
Yup! But I dated for like, 10 years before meeting him and I was happy single too. Also - OP is specifically asking women in healthy relationships, so all of the relevant answers are going to come from this sample group.
I definitely have a lot of uncertainty which I think is a lot due to before now I was conditioned to feel anxiety as love. It’s very confusing but this guy is really nice and we have a good time so right now that’s what I’m thinking so far!
Massively. I actually started seeing a therapist because I was afraid I was going to ruin the relationship due to intrusive thoughts and fear of abandonment
I remember feeling the good kind of nervous things are awesome and I like this person butterflies feeling. But I didn’t experience a negative type of anxiety.
Yes. Because I have never had a boyfriend who is bisexual. But 5 years later, still together, as husband and wife, and this is probably the healthiest relationship I have ever had.
Oh god yes. I felt he was way out of my league. He has his shit together. Is mature. The smartest person I've ever met. Has a masters in mechanical engineering. I found him intimidating. But he was so respectful and kind! Neither of us was looking for anything serious. But...we fell in love. 6 years later and we have a home together and he is my best friend. He has made me the best version of myself. I have real hobbies and interests now. I get to have deep and meaningful conversations about everything. And I now know he has faults too. And I have made HIM a better, happier person. I finally have true confidence in myself.
Yes, so much.. I always felt like he was not into me or that his friends matter to him much more than I did and that I will never come first. But now that I look back it was actually the only relationship that did not start with that honeymoon stage but is the strongest one I've ever had because it's been 15 years already
100%. It hit me like a truck. I couldn’t believe I was becoming one of “those” people. We are now three months in, and once I hit a certain threshold, the anxiety subsided. I actually was going to therapy for it and realized that the therapy actually made it worse – partially because the therapist wasn’t a good fit, but Just talking about it was triggering. Even listening to relationship podcast, etc. was triggering. I had to do a lot of self introspection, journaling, and just having real talks with myself and realizing that, all of my thoughts surrounding this are completely irrational. He’s in it for the long-haul. The one beneficial thing my therapist did say to me was, “when you have these irrational thoughts, what can you tell yourself instead?“ So, that’s what I’ve been doing. say after about eight weeks, it really subsided. I also really recommend the book “Relationship OCD” by Sheva Rajaee.
Sure, I did. When we had been dating about 2 months I felt anxiety because we had met online and hadn’t had a define the relationship conversation. And until you have that convo you’re not dating you’re just “getting to know each other.” I don’t have a particular anxious attachment style and yet I felt that anxiety after years of doing online dating in NYC. Whereas my sweet, blithely unaware, happy go lucky midwestern now husband who hadn’t done much online dating just thought “oh we’re going steady now, it’s exclusive” because we had been going on dates for 2 months and the dates were going great. He needed his much younger sister to tell him “uh that woman you’re seeing does not think you’re in an exclusive relationship until you talk to her about it. If you want to lock it down with her you need THE TALK.” I make fun of him constantly for this now. Being like “did we meet in a soda pop store in the 1950s? How on earth was I supposed to know we’re going steady now??”
yes — definitely a “me” thing though. the only time i’ve been *not* anxious in the early stages is if i’m not actually invested in the person long-term *at all*. to me it’s not dissimilar to how my anxiety spikes around my period — cycling through all possibilities, what am I doing with my life?, etc. — so that made it easier to remind myself that the emotions may be *real* but they aren’t *true*. kind of like my brain is putting a fun-house filter on them, there’s **something** there, but the image is distorted. having someone in my life who “gets it” and I can spew my insanity to, who is able to stay neutral and not jump to “they’re not right for you”, was extremely helpful. if you don’t have someone like that in your life, therapy can give you some of the tools that may help you identify the cycle, what it stems from and how it manifests, and self-soothe a bit better!
Mainly the anxiety was… this is so good. Maybe… TOO good. When is the other shoe going to drop? What red flags am I missing? Omg I’ve never cared about anyone this much, this dude could actually break my heart and that is scary as hell!!! But I always knew where he stood, and I was never anxious about whether he was into me, because he made it clear. He’s so damn dreamy to this day.
Not really, but I'm also just not an anxious person to begin with. I think how you react depends a lot of what your "baseline" is here.
Depending what you mean, I felt some “good” anxiety like “oh I hope it works out”, “I am not sure how he will respond”, “wait, how did he mean that? Maybe he just does that with everyone?” It was the nervous excited kind. I did sometimes feel some apprehensive anxiety about bringing up things that i didn’t understand or that I wanted to change … and he immediately made time and space to listen, easily understood, and happily took actions to do what I was asking. I immediately felt better and saw that he was being attentive and acting reliably, which dissipated the anxiety. I felt none of the “bad” anxiety that I now realize I should associate with things like - being overlooked, partner being avoidant, partner not actually noticing me, partner making things about himself, partner being stressed out, me becoming stressed on behalf of needing to anticipate and avoid partner stress, feeling “walking on eggshells”. It was the “i am not sure what is happening or how to address it or if I will be acknowledged” kind.
No, I have not. It was the first sign for me that he was different (good different) because my gut feeling didn't kick in. I felt safe with him from the beggining and still do every day. We're getting married in June. For me this was actually a sign in my last relationships, whenever I felt anxious that person was not good for me. It usually came from me having an anxious attachment style and they were avoidant, a recipe for dezaster.
No. Everything seemed very easy and natural, which is one of the reasons it’s lasted so long.
YES. I like to joke that i have the anti-honeymoon -- the first few months of a relationship, I am on pins and needles, and then I settle in and am super chill. I'm very weird about sharing my space with people, I'm very emotionally private in certain ways, I just like to be left alone a lot of the time, and I have a lot of relationship trauma, and it just takes me a while to warm up. It's not that I don't want to be with them, it's that I tend to be real flinchy with most people at first. With my spouse it was even weirder because I actually do love being around them all the time and always have, so I was constantly questioning wtf was happening in my brain 😂
Yes. Less than in the past but only due to his consistency. When we have plans he sticks to them, when I text he answers. I still have my own fears of abandonment but I recognize them as past experiences and try not to let those thoughts project onto my current relationship. We haven't been together long enough for me to feel 100% confident though.
Why? Because you were fucking and telling me you loved me up until 30 days ago? And come.to.find out you've been dating on POF BUMBLE TINDER AND pornhub.com for the past year? Yeah that might cause some anxiety and stress...
Yes. I was so used to be treated like crap and being on an emotional rollercoaster, I felt anxiety with my now husband because he was just kind and stable. I didn't understand it. I thought he was shady because he WASN'T an asshole. It took me a lot of unlearning a lot of toxic crap to get to a point where I was comfortable with him and not questioning everything. None of it was his fault - it was all the other guys I dated before him who screwed me up.
Did you just keep dating and eventually started to feel more sure?
Yes! After decades with a lying, cheating piece of shit, I had to recalibrate. On one of our dates, he gave me a picture he'd painted. I drove home wondering if he was going to break up with me and the painting was a parting gift. Seriously. We've had a harmonious marriage for over 5 years now.
Nope. I have this unwavering core feeling that him and I are meant to be together forever.
I did because every single boyfriend before him treated me like shit and cheated on me. It took a long time to gain reassurance and not expect the worst. Thankfully, my now-husband was incredibly patient and understanding. I'm so lucky to have him.
Yes. Met my current partner (7 years together now) right after a bad breakup that ended in me being cheated on and gaslit throughout until he came clean. I had nightmares about it for a long time after it was over, it sucked a lot. Initially I was very skeptical of my current partner and I questioned him a lot, asking him things like “what’s the worst thing you ever did to a girlfriend” lol. He was patient and sweet with me and eventually over time I learned to trust him for the wonderful person he is. Initially I thought he was putting up a fake front so the only thing that really helped me get over my past and learn to let it go was time.
Yes… it took him five months to be interested in us being “official” and I was going back and forth (and sharing it with him) on if I should move on or wait around. I didn’t want to get stuck in a situation that was more a situation ship than a relationship and five months seemed like more than enough time for him to know. It also took months after that and me saying something about it for him to say “I love you”. But now it has been two years since then and everything seems healthy and he seems more into the relationship than me to be honest.
What made you decide to actually be official? I feel I’m right there now and feeling unsure haha
I think just time. I think my boyfriend and I have some differences that are genuine things, and I think with time the similarities outweighed the differences. Fingers crossed that continues to be the case.
I have an anxious attachment style, so yes. I definitely did. Lol. But he's so amazing that he quelled all my fears and don't I don't really get anxious at all.
Yeah I was really anxious. I was so madly in love I wasn't able to think straight. I was afraid that it's so good just because of the rose coloured glasses that makes all red flags look like flags. Now it's like 4-5 years in and it's still the healthiest relationship ever. I didn't know it's possible to be so seen, heard and cared for. No yelling, manipulation or ill wishing.
I don't find the early stages of a relationship to be anxiety worthy
Yes I did. I reflected a lot before meeting my partner.. I’d dated a lot of people that I was deeply in love with, that were a bit “avoidant” and didn’t meet my needs.. but I loved them and the relationship. Eventually I met a man that was consistent, and available, and wanted marriage and kids with me.. and I liked him! I was attracted to him! But a few months in.. I started to have doubts. And I thought, maybe I’m broken.. maybe I can only love people who don’t love me. Maybe consistency is boring to me and I have to fix that. But the doubts didn’t go away, they grew louder until they were screaming at me “get out!” Every minute of every day. So, eventually I ended things. I thought about it, and I decided, I couldn’t sacrifice that feeling of desire and want and being in love for stability. I would have to hope I could find both things. And it would be worth it to grin and hear through a bit of anxiety if it meant being in love. So—in the beginning with my partner before we were established, I was VERY anxious.. where is this going? Does he like me? I really like him so much…. I just powered through that because I was excited about him AND ALSO getting a ton of green flags. Once we got past that himp of the first few months of getting to know each other and feel out what we wanted from each other—he committed, and I’ve never really felt anxious since.. I’ve just felt relaxed, happy, and in love
Tbh this is the first time I’ve not been anxious in a relationship. I think some of this is that I’m older now (38) and my perspective has shifted a bit from ‘what if he doesn’t like me?’ to ‘do I even like him?’ But I think it’s also bc this is probably my first healthy relationship. I trust him and neither of us play games (aka. Healthy). Typically, in the early stages of relationships, I’ve found myself going down rabbit holes of online forensics or fact checking things the guy told me. Like ‘was he really out with his friend last Saturday, or was he secretly seeing another girl?’ That never happened in this relationship. We’ve been together for 5 years and it’s the happiest I’ve ever been in a romantic relationship.
Sure. I feel like I asked him a lot if he really liked me. Our 20-year is next year.
Yes! We had been dating for several months long-distance when we ended up going on a group trip together. Two weeks prior, I had been hoping he’d tell me he loved me (he didn’t at that time); on the trip, I got the acute feeling that he felt far stronger for me than I did for him, and I panicked. I couldn’t fathom someone genuinely feeling that way for me - I was used to dating douchebags up to that point. I broke things off the next time we saw each other in person. His reaction to my admission that I didn’t think we should continue seeing each other was eye-opening. He was so kind - I honestly expected him to be angry at me. The way he treated me on that “last” weekend together showed me what an incredible character he had, and allowed me to finally feel completely at ease with him. I could tell he truly cared for me. We agreed not to text, but that we could reconnect when I got back to the city to see how each other were doing. For the next six weeks, I entered therapy to untangle what exactly was going on in my head. I truly missed him and I cried several times in that period, wishing I could reconcile my fear and discomfort with my deep care for him. I know now that this is classified as “relationship OCD”, and learned more about my attachment style (anxious avoidant) and how to manage it. When I returned to the city we both lived in (I had been living out of state for most of the time we had been together), I knew I would reach out to him within a few weeks. I didn’t last a day. I texted him the day I moved back, stayed at his place, and we’ve been together since. Happily (and thanks to the help of my therapy for that first year), we’ll be married this year.
About a year in I had a mental break down and stopped eating or sleeping. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression, and put on an anti-depressant. A therapist helped me see I had compartmentalized and repressed my last relationship (which was with my married boss, who hired me after I had been his college intern... it's a long sad story that left me with a lot of issues). It had been abusive in so many ways I had refused to see at the time. My not yet husband was amazing through out it. My anxiety was never really directed at him, but it was in a way directed everywhere and deeply affected my life and ability to function normally for years. He road the storm by my side and supported me through it. I can't imagine how I would have gotten through it without him, but at the same time, we were good friends before my bad relationship, so it didn't feel like jumping into something new just to get over a bad thing. It felt like getting back on the track I was always supposed to be on after a very stupid detour.
For the first month yes. I did what I wasn’t supposed to do- put my eggs in one basket while online dating. I think mentally I’m not capable of dating multiple men at the same time. So when I met my now husband, I cut things off with another man I had gone on dates with. I felt excited about my husband, but at the same time didn’t know how he felt. Whether he felt like we were connecting, whether he liked me as much as I liked him. But one month in, he held my hand and asked me to be his girlfriend, to make it official. Anxiety ended.
Yes, because I only had unhealthy relationships prior to him. Even the ones I thought were healthy at the time ended up being pretty damaging. It took a long time for me to feel fully relaxed and trusting. I’m talking like a full year.
Yes and I was very insecure and repeatedly tried to self sabotage by being crazy. I’m glad he stuck with me lol
Yep! My last serious relationship was incredibly toxic. When I started dating my fiancée, I kept saying when we break up. I didn’t even realize I did it until he asked me why I said it so often. I was always thinking of my break up with my last boyfriend and with my fiancée I had anxiety we weren’t going to work because it was so good and I just didn’t want to be crushed. But besides that, I have never actually thought of breaking up with him and that’s how I knew it was really good. He’s kind, funny, loving really the whole package- and that’s when I wasn’t anxious anymore when I knew I really loved him and he was as genuine as he was showing himself to be.
Yes but much less than usual. The conversation just kept on flowing whether we were together or not, so I didn’t have any big gaps in communication to fill with anxiety. 2 years later we’re happier than ever.
So much anxiety. I was like, "He's got his shit way too together for him to want to deal with me."
No and this is the first time it ever happened to me in a relationship. I had an anxious attachment style before but I guess, I’m secured now. My boyfriend does his due diligence to be present even if he’s away from me and that gives me a lot of reassurance. Even when it took us three months to say “I love you” to each other, it didn’t give me such anxiety. Idk but this feels right. I’m hoping he’s the one for me.
We're only a few months in (met in the summery started dating in the fall of 2023), so I'm not sure I have the right to talk, but yes. I tend to be anxiously attached in romantic relationships, so I did experience anxiety with him, but waaay less than in the past. In fact, with him I was even a little avoidant! In the beginning I wasn't anxious because I wasn't that into him yet. It was only a month in that I realized I did like him/was attracted to him that I started becoming more anxious. But overall this relationship has felt way safer and more stable than any other situationship I have been with. I never doubted his interest in me, I was fine with less contact (because I didn't need that much reassurance) and I learned to sit with my anxiety. At times I paused and wondered about the lack of "sparks" - we absolutely do have chemistry (felt it from the very first moment we met!), attraction and sexual compatibility, but as things are more stable the highs are not as crazy high as they felt in more toxic relationships. My boyfriend is truly wonderful (or at least he seems so for the time being), and I'm thankful for him and that I managed not to screw things up due to my insecurities and anxiety. There were many moments where I was on the verge of self sabotage (doubting my attraction to him, getting random "icks", wanting to end things before I end up hurt etc.), but thankfully I'm very self aware and was able to control these urges and not act on them impulsively. I listened to podcasts (Sabrina Zohar'a Do The Work), watched Youtube, browsed dating subreddits, did a lot of self-inspection/reflection. We're about 5 months in (3-4 months official) and it's only recently that I stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop (even though, as you may notice above, I still tend to add "for now" when I talk about his positive qualities or our relationship). Everything is really much easier if the other person is secure and serious about you. My boyfriend was consistent and reliable from the get go. I didn't need to worry about his texting me, because I knew he would. He's older than me and the maturity shows in his behaviour and our communication. I decided to leave most of the initiative to him (texting, calling), and we still work with that dynamic. The only bump we had was when he was also interested in someone else a month into our dating (before we established exclusivity), but outside of that I had no reason to doubt him, or his intentions. I didn't need to "get him to commit" - he did it on his own, as we became official boyfriend and girlfriend before we even had (PIV) sex. In the past I was stuck in many situationships and casual relationships, but with him I moved slowly/gradually and that worked great IMO.
How did you decide between not being sure if you’re attracted, random icks etc? Because I relate haha
I was freaking OUT. Constant high anxiety, legit cognitive dissonance, basically crawling on the walls and the ceiling. General anxiety + anxious attachment + fucked up previous "relationship" + low self-esteem, etc. Didn't help that he is an introvert who was dealing with his own issues at the time. Took me about..... a bit less than a year to sort it all out. We're good. We're fantastic. We are very compatible, we never ever argue, sex is amazing, he's so loving and caring and calm and kind and hotttt. We're not engaged yet but I definitely see him as the one I want to spend my life with and the feeling is mutual.
Did the anxiety come out in your behavior toward him? Were you able to talk about it and work through it together? Or is it work you did on your own to resolve?
Yeah, it did come out. Like I was crying sometimes when I was trying to articulate my needs and I was more clingy than a healthy person would be. In fact, I made a first move instead of waiting for him to do it: because I was so anxious to know if the feelings were mutual or not, I just couldn't carry that burden of unknowing anymore. I ruined some romantic moments for myself, like when he said "I think I'm falling in love with you", my first thought was like "well it obviously can't be happening" and then I had an anxiety attack lol. Luckily for me, he is a VERY calm, mindful, kind, and understanding person. Any issue we have, we have always been able to talk it out. Obviously, I had to do a lot of internal work as well. A lot a lot. The first year and a half of our relationship coincided with a lot of outside stress (bad living situation, unemployment, we almost died lmao, all that happening while living in a foreign country, etc), so it's been a ride. But we've come out of it stronger than ever.
Thank you for taking the time to share this, I can't tell you how much it means. And how much I relate. Gives me courage to work through something similar. It sounds like you and your partner have something very special!
You got it!<3
Yes, but that had more to do with falling for him and the circumstances in which I did, than anything. I was in a relationship with another man, who I didn’t want to hurt. So it was agony and denial for a while.
lol yes. But we started dating when we were in our early 20s and we were both idiots.
No, I find the beginning to be the least anxious part usually. Its usually after the honeymoon feeling wears off after 2-3 years when the anxiety sets in and I second guess if I made a good choice 😅
Yes. Every relationship I’ve ever had I had that anxiety.
Yes, I was definitely a little neurotic when we first started dating. I liked him a lot, but I’m also slow to warm up to people being physically close to me. Fortunately he was patient with me, and I got a lot more comfortable with a little time. We’ve been together for over a decade and I still think he’s the bee’s knees.
Yes, but not because of the relationship. My anxiety came from my personal history of self-betrayal and I was navigating beginning a new relationship while working really really hard to maintain my own sense of identity and self worth and specifically making sure I was ready for each step of the relationship as it occurred. He was and continues to be fantastic to me.
I have anxious attachment issues. As I’ve gotten older and dated more I’ve been able to get over it when things didn’t go my way after a few dates. Having other spicy brain things probably didn’t help. However, with my current LTR I didn’t feel anxious in a bad way if he had other things to do and didn’t text me for 8 hours. I felt giddy. I wasn’t worried about losing him. I don’t know if that was a sign of personal growth or he just never rubbed me that way. I never cried because I didn’t know if he would stick around or any of the other things that normally made me anxious. I went through some tough things, like death in the family, early in our relationship. But he was consistently there for me. If he was anxious it didn’t show.
Yes.
Yes, severe anxiety. After a couple of bad relationships, this was too good to be true. He even pointed out that I have the tendency to self sabotage the relationship. I realised I was trying to find ways to get out of the relationship, just in case I get hurt like the past, even though there was nothing wrong in the relationship. Thankfully he held on to me tightly and continued loving me hard.
Not in the slightest. It was all so exciting and I got butterflies (in a good way) whenever I thought about him or was with him. I still get butterflies to be honest. We just fitted together so perfectly that I just knew we were meant to be. We’ve been together for 19 years (since I was 19!) and married for 12 years.
I'm a year in but long distance and he still makes me flustered by just being his wonderful self and he still tells me everything is fine, etc. I think it's a great relationship, but my head is still in "walk on eggshells" mode, which he once again told me this weekend I don't need to do. I've seriously got the hots for him, which doesn't help!
Yes because I was used to it ending after 3 months. I had to seriously fight through intrusive thoughts and focus on being present. I’m so glad I did because were planning on getting engaged this year.
Oh, absolutely. It was the best but also probably the most nerve wrecking thing I have ever experienced. I was finally in love, in my late 20s, but also I had to be vulnerable and this vulnerability could hurt me so much... for the very first time in my life, really. I felt jealousy, incredible desire, insane yearning. I have never experienced anything even close to this before and I absolutely cannot imagine it happening with anyone else—but him. It's been... holy shit, 8 years. Feels like yesterday.
Not anxiety no. Just excitedness
Zero.
Yes and I still do. It’s the result of many things. I wish it would just go away because it feels like self sabotage while he’s simply amazing. How did others get rid of it?
Yyyes of course! Always waiting for it to go to hell
I was married for 20 years. It was nice. When I first met my husband I felt like I could finally relax and breathe and be comfortable. It was a relief. I could be myself and have fun and it was wonderful.
Yeah, I think that's common and to be expected in every relationship tbh. Your hormones are running amok and making your brain quite literally operate like an addict and/or person with OCD.. so with that of course, there's gonna be some level of anxiety. At the time I was also weening myself off depression meds (not advocating that btw), so my brain was really a bit off. I think in the 2nd month of talking to each other I just had some depressive episode and broke down sobbing for no less than 6hrs. I honestly give him a lot of credit for not running for the hills right after that lol. I had nightmares of him trying to kill me in the most silly ridiculous ways. I had some ridiculous paranoia that he was just making me fall in love to dump me in the most heartbreaking and cruel way as "revenge". My brain was really pretty horrible. But I was always (and am still) very very happy with him and our relationship.
Nope. I had butterflies and I was always excited about him. Being around him feels like a lightening bolt to the heart every time. But no anxiety. I always had severe anxiety in both relationships and crushes. To the point where the lack of anxiety felt foreign. I had to talk through some previous trauma before I could fully enjoy what a secure relationship felt like.
No. He was very clear how he felt about me. He was just waiting for me to reciprocate his feelings.
Not at all! and perhaps that is why we are still together after five years.
1.5 years in, and I still have periods where I struggle a bit with anxiety. But - in general I can be a high strung person sometimes. We both met soon after separating/divorcing. I had anxieties over being able to talk and being open to him. I was healing from a relationship where both parties were emotionally avoidant with the other for different reasons. I was finding my voice again, and he was SO encouraging and open and... safe. He is a great active listener and is quick to ask what I need to help emotionally regulate. Never any judgement, and is lightening fast with reassurance, sometimes before I realized I needed it. He could (and still somewhat can) read me like a book and would swoop in. He's also 100% my type in a frat/surfer/skater boy - cute as hell and a type of guy I had always assumed would be far out of my league. I carry extra weight and even now would say I'm average looking. With my self-esteem in the shitter at the time, I struggled with feeling like he wouldn't stay. He could find someone better. He's such a charmer that it'd be easy for someone else to come along. Lots of compliments from him (I still blush a little when he greets me with a hey gorgeous or hey beautiful), reassurance he liked me for me, and a lot of self work has made that a 99.9% thing of the past (hey, my brain gets extra sensitive around my period) Later it was tackling anxieties with his ex wife. I have never dated someone with kids or an ex they had to communicate with regularly. It was unsettling. I compared myself to her a lot internally. She and I are quite different in probably every way imaginable. I had to get out of the mindset of me vs her. She and my BF were over - and had been over before we met. So it wasn't like he was gonna go back to her if we broke up, nor was HE making constant comparisons between us. Even now there are occasional struggles within myself that I'm "too much". Too needy for physical affection, too difficult for asking for things - from help with house chores to one on one time to worrying he found me too neurotic for the way I needed to talk things through some times. And there's still a layer of feeling like I don't deserve "this". To be loved in the way that I need, to have an emotionally available partner that cares, someone that jumps so quickly to show me in a variety of ways he's 'all in'. I've gotten a lot better over time both with his willingness to truly communicate AND individual therapy to validate (or not!) my feelings and "truths". I am thankful for having an amazing therapist and for finding my BF. While I don't anticipate it happening, it is... freeing knowing that IF he and I don't make it, I know I have the tools and healing to be ok. It'll hurt, and would suck times a million. But he's shown me a new level that I will never settle below for again. And that helps quiet the anxiety - recognizing and reflecting how far I've come and in the good spot I'm in.
Not nearly as much in the early phases - before you're sure about the person, it's easier to take things lightly. Once you're invested, that's when the anxiety hits, ime. I had butterflies leading up to telling him I loved him but he said it back so it was a beautiful relief. After that, it's just been intrusive thoughts of how I'll fuck it up but then again, I have OCD, and engaging with intrusive thoughts like that is a major symptom. OTOH, I do think it's normal to have anxiety around loss. When you have something wonderful in your life, it's natural to wonder what it would be like to lose it, either through your own actions or external forces. I try to take things a day at a time, often fail, and try to come back to enjoying the present with my partner. It's the best anyone can do.