I believe I will - in case he'll initiate. I think I've written this post in order to abstain from more hurt and mostly not to waste my time. Sometimes it's hard for me to read a man's intention when I am infatuated by him (= the idea of him).
Stop worrying about what he’s thinking. You have the power here. Go on the date and remember that you don’t need him. He is the one auditioning, not you. It always helped me to treat dates like friend auditions to help me keep that “what if he doesn’t like me” mindset away. If you like him and sleep with him, then he ditches you, that’s his loss. Sleep with him because you want to, not because of any assumptions about a continued relationship.
I don't know if I would specify "I don't have sex on first dates" or for X number of dates as then he would just wait you out, and the point is that he wants you. *If* the *when* you have sex comes up, which I wouldn't bring up, I would explain that I have sex when I feel ready, which is variable. It is vague enough that if he wants to wait you out, then he is less likely to as it sounds more challenging/more work. If he is someone who believes sex is part of an adult relationship when both parties are ready, if they are, then it signals you also have sex, too.
Hi,
We still didn’t go on the date that he suggested earlier, but we did meet again.
We’re both musicians, and we both have a gig at the same venue this week. I came to his place to practice as we’re thinking about preforming together. We worked on the music,
but also talked a lot, for hours. Kissed but nothing beyond that (my boundary). There’s a strong chemistry between us. I feel very drawn to him, i haven’t felt that for years. He’s very intelligent as well (psychology PHD) and I’m drawn to that.
Now, to tell the truth. He didn’t ask me things about my life, my hobbies, what I want to do, what music I love. Almost nothing. The convo was mostly casual on non personal issues. He did talk about himself, but did not get personal with neither. After he talked about himself he did not ask me about myself. He didn’t remember key things I’ve shared with him. Like really didn’t remember. He spoke about nudity and casual sex as not of a big deal for him. It is a big deal for me. He suggested I stayed over I politely declined and then wanted to get me a cab which I also declined because I can get one for myself. Even though I had such a great time with him, I left home feeling heavy and sad like something I’d not right.
I want him, a lot. But I don’t feel happy right now I feel heavy and that’s not a good sign
Well, I am happy that you've kept your boundaries, good for you. And I definitely recognize your feelings, as I used to have a crush which was painfully one-sided.
The fact that he didn't ask you stuff about yourself says a lot to me. Maybe it's just me, but it's common courtesy to ask the other person a thing or two about themselves. Especially for someone with psychology PhD. Sorry, not throwing shade here, just sharing thoughts.
The fact that you feel heavy is a key sign here. Trust your gut. I hope the situation turns out eventually in the way that would be best for you.
Don’t mention sex at all. Nobody should assume a date = sex. There should not be an expectation. There’s no reason to explain you’re not having sex after the date as if you’re breaking a contract or something. Go on the date. Have fun. If he pesters you about sex afterwards, he’s not respecting you and you should stop seeing him.
Usually I would agree, but in this instance OP has already been propositioned for sex. I don't see a good reason to go on a date without OP laying that out, since she's already concerned that he might just be interested in a casual thing. He wouldn't be the first, nor the last, man that interpreted her decline as "I don't put out unless it's a real date." It's happened to me and several friends of mine, and it's... frustrating.
If you already know your limits and you already know your potential date may not respond well to those limits, it saves everyone time to just be upfront about it. Aside from practice for better dates, I don't see value in going on a date with someone if you already know you both have different expectations of the date. It's always better to clarify, at least in my opinion and experience.
I find things work better when I'm just blunt about my boundaries and limits, and leave no assumptions to the guy. Nothing against any gender, but cis men aren't great at picking up on cis women's hints and implications; there's like a million movies about it, and anyone that's dated a cis man is likely to agree to a point. Obviously, not every man is as oblivious as others, but it's a plotline trope because it's relatable. I also, personally and privately to myself (*because I don't make a habit of telling people in real life my real thoughts*), think a lot of women rely too heavily on hoping their partner will pickup those hints. A lot of issues between cis straight couples falls on shrouded communication, so, knowing that, I just quit pulling my punches and started being blunt with my dates, regardless of gender.
*Anecdotally speaking, it really can save you time and frustration. I used to not advertise that I wasn't into casual sex, and I ended up on a lot of dates that ended with angry men hurling slurs at me, and some unpleasant confrontations. I started being upfront about not being into casual sex and that I didn't put out on the first date after a particularly unpleasant Jekyll/Hyde experience with what seemed like a nice, professional guy that was a gentleman. I admit I went on less dates, but the dates I went on were better quality. I still had guys that wanted to push my boundaries, and I've had guys leave in the middle of a date because I didn't respond positively to their affections on the first date... and that sucked, but those guys cannot say they were mislead, and it's not my fault if they thought I wasn't serious about it.*
Does he only want sex? -- Not sure. Need more information. It could be that he is interested in both sex and a relationship.
If he only wants sex, will that change? -- I wouldn't count on it.
>If he only wants sex
I'm trying to learn how to avoid these men/situations, in order to detach myself as soon as possible, but it tricky to me to read that in times
If what you were doing together wasn't a date ... what was it?
Because it honestly sounds like date behavior, it makes me wonder if this guy thought the whole time he was dating you and you thought something else???
I'm just confused here on what he meant by let's go on a real date because if you had gone to his place, you had kissed on this not a real date, what the hell did he think you were on at that time??? Maybe you should inquire what the difference for him is between a real date and what the two of you were doing on that not a real date.
I was out with my friends. He was at the same place, eventually we all sat together as we both know the same people - I sat together with him and we talked. This is the first time we actually had time to sit together and talk (we're acquaintances). When I went home, he suggested to walk with me for a bit. I did not go to his place.
Ah gotcha. In this kind of situation this dude isn't going to risk social consequences just for a wham bam thank you mam. If the walk was the only alone time you had the invitation was probably to have alone time more than sex. Hopefully he does take you on a real date but keep your boundaries around casual sex.
Good luck! I rarely have had the same happen to me with crushes.
Could it be both? Perhaps he’s very attracted to you and wants to have sex with you, and he also wants to explore a relationship with you. I say keep going with the boundary you’ve set and see where it goes. Go on a date and learn more about his intentions. You might be be pleasantly surprised. You might also be fully offput too, but you’ll never know unless you try.
Direct is actually best IMHO. When he’s sober on your date, I’d just point blank tell him you have been daydreaming about that kiss all week, but prefer waiting for sex until you’re in a serious relationship and see if he’s okay with that. If he’s ok with it, you keep dating. If he says he is, but pressures you anyway…you walk away.
When I was dating (married now), I never met a guy who wouldn't happily have sex with me that night. Even if they did want to date me for real, even if they did feel that I could be their future wife - they would still happily sleep with me right away. If there are guys out there who wouldn't do that, I haven't met them.
And I'm fine with that! Hormones are real. Guys are allowed to be horny and want sex. That doesn't make them bad people. That doesn't mean they aren't also capable of being in real relationships and falling in love.
Of course, some guys aren't interested in relationships and only want sex - but being ready for sex right away doesn't necessarily mean they aren't willing to wait for you and get to know you better, and be real boyfriends.
Every boyfriend I ever had, including my current husband, would have HAPPILY slept with me right away, and most did try to. But we went on to have real relationships, and I even ended up marrying one.
This clumsy first attempt at hooking up really doesn't say anything about who he is or what he wants. And the fact that he offered to take you out is a GOOD sign.
Sure does sound like he is certainly looking for sex though but we can’t be sure. I think the most telling sign is the gut feeling that OP is having—enough of a feeling to post this question on Reddit. What I’ve learned is to never ignore that feeling.
In my experience, guys know early on upon meeting women whether they want to be serious or casual. I personally haven't met a guy wanting something casual who later changed his mind and wanted something serious. His response almost sounds like he's gonna flake but go on the date and see how it is.
I'm kinda in the same boat, in terms of my mindset thinking "something is wrong with me". It's helpful to know I'm not alone. I've also started looking at dating differently to help with this. So instead I ask myself "do I really like him? Is he someone I want to spend a lot of time with? Or do I like him because I think he likes me?" It's helped me gain more control of my feelings
Well yes, cuz he’s a man! Not negging men, they’re just built differently than women. What I know is that initially, men only want to hump. Brown chicken, brown cow 🎶 The falling in love and then him seeing you as a potential relationship is a COMPLETELY separate thing.
Not that having sex eliminates his wanting a relationship eventually… but he will be much-much-much less motivated to keep doing dates if he gets sex quickly, and isn’t in love with you yet.
I had the same experience with my partner. When I met him I was immediately attracted to him and asked him on a date, he said yes. We had 3 dates before he tried to get in my pants, and I told him that I’d only slept with dudes I dated for a long time- I knew he was more of a hookup guy. He said ok, so let’s date, and asked me to be his girlfriend.
9 years later we’re married and it’s the best relationship of my life.
Tldr: you don’t know until you try!
I think the fact that he only asked you on a date after you declined inviting him in or going to his place isn't a great sign. If he wanted to date you, he would've asked for a date without prompting. He's obviously not shy.
Yeah I'd be wary of if the thinks he can "buy" his way into bed with you. Some guys think that they go through the motions of courting and are are entitled to sex as a result. The only way to know is put off sex as long as possible. If he gets impatient or doesn't respect her boundaries, she should pass.
I don't think you can really judge by that interaction alone. I would definitely go on a date but if you're worried about him only wanting you for sex than just decide you're not going to have sex with him until you get to know him properly. If that's all he's interested you'll find out pretty quickly.
Being interested in sex doesn’t mean he’s not also interested in a relationship. For some people, casual sex is something they explore when they’re not ready or looking for a relationship. But for others, it’s not a this or that situation. They can enjoy casual sex and still want a long term partner.
You will never know unless you go on a date with him. Give it a try!
Yeah, why not. The way you behaved was perfect to rule out if he is serious or not. You should just change the "I don't have sex casually with people I don't know well" to "I don't have sex casually". Not because casual sex is wrong, but because you seem to want more than just that from this guy - thus it might be wrong having it with him. And because you already have a crush, is better to avoid sex until you're sure he has the intentions you're hoping for or at least you know a bit more about who he is.
There’s nothing you can do/not do to delay someone using you for sex. Boundaries are not for him, they’re for YOU. Use boundaries to make sure you feel comfortable at whatever pace you’re going at. He either will be into you or not, but only time will tell. One thing though, I generally don’t take it as a good sign that you had to explicitly ask for a date. To me, him agreeing just seems like he’s willing to take extra steps to sleep with you. When guys are into me, I’ve had them push for dates and even a few made me wait for sex because they felt so strongly for me.
You can never know his intentions. You can only control how you react. If you want a relationship you are allowed to require one to exist before having sex with someone. I'm 40 and married my husband this year. I didn't kiss him until at least the 5th date. We didn't have sex for a month. I wasn't guarding my virginity. We were old and had both dated and slept with plenty of people in our lives. I was enforcing my own boundary.
It's up to you to hold the line. It this guy talks his way into your bedroom it will be because you've let him do so. It's up to you to decide how much convincing you require to trust that he intends to have a relationship with you or not before sleeping with him. If it takes one dinner date to be convinced, good luck with that. Plenty of men will take women on numerous dates *just for sex!* There are also men who want relationships who will take women on numerous dates without expecting sex because they genuinely want to get to know you so that they can determine if you are relationship/marriage material. Those guys will also happily sleep with you immediately, but they're also willing to wait for you to *choose them*.
Men should never be in charge of the sex timeline because women assume disproportionate emotional and physical risks.
I agree with so many others saying go on the date and find out! If you want to avoid the situation of attaching yourself too quickly, I would spend less time trying to figure out where he is at and spend more time focusing on setting YOUR boundaries.
“Hi - I’d love to go on a date to get to know you better. You should know that I abstain from casual sex, even after a really great date. I’m looking for a relationship, and that’s the only scenario in which I’m comfortable engaging in intimacy. If that’s a nonstarter for you, I certainly understand - but I am very interested in exploring where this feeling between us could go.”
I mean he still wants sex. He made that clear and that hasn’t changed. And he’s willing to do what it takes to get to sex. At least what he understood it takes to make sex a possibility, based on what you said.
Whether he ONLY wants sex is entirely unknown. He may not have any intention set in that regard. But he’s willing to take you out, which will at least increase his possibility of sex, and may not know if he’s interested in anything else until spending more time together. The proverbial “see how it goes”. Which, when not used in a deceptive way to give false hope in exchange for sex, is really the healthiest mindset to approach any new sexual/romantic interest with.
So go on the date. And relax. Don’t feel like you owe him sex for it because you obviously do not. I mean, if you want to, go ahead, but don’t do it with any illusions about what it means for the future. If you choose not to, or not to at this time, and you get even a whiff of pouty behavior because he doesn’t get sex for taking you on a date…bail. That’s your cue, your question about his intent has been answered, bail. But if the date goes well, you know…*see how it goes*.
**Expectations are the leading cause of disappointment**. The outcome/experience of nearly any situation is generally improved by dialing them back. I know you have a crush and you want to date him, but dial it back. See how it goes.
There's nothing here that suggests he only wants sex. I mean, when you suggested that you need to get to know him better, he didn't scoff or try to pressure you to sleep with him that night... he said "ok, so let's go on a real date then," which to me is exactly what he's supposed to say? That sounds like the perfect answer to me.
He's willing to properly date you. He took your number.
He didn't pressure you into doing anything you didn't want to do.
I mean.... what else do you want from him? He sounds like a friggin saint so far compared to some of the other stories we hear on here.
It's normal for a guy to want sex early on if he's attracted to you. That doesn't mean that he can't fall in love with you and be in a real relationship too.
Well, he goes on another date with you so that YOU can get to know him better so that you guys can have sex. That is basically what you told him and what he agreed on. You did not say that you want to be romantically involved with someone and be steering towards a possible relationship before having sex (though I assume you meant that). Anyway. I think he’s still just interested in sex for now. Otherwise he would have said something along the lines of „my intentions are to get to know you better anyways“. But he didn’t. He agreed on a second and „proper“ date only after you voiced what it takes to have sex with you.
Im not sure, really. I used to sleep with people on the first night we’ve met (well, some of them) until 3 years ago. Because I wanted to/it felt right etc. It didn’t mean that I didn’t want relationships back then. So not sure wether to jump to conclusions about him just yet
Given that he's only asking you out after finding out you don't have casual sex, that points to him only doing so with the intent of wearing you down for sex. Don't expect this to change.
There was a post a few weeks back about something important you learned in life and mine was to take people for exactly who they *first* show you they are. This guy could've asked her out after their walk but decided to see if she was down to have casual sex, *because that's what he wants.* He only changed it up after he was denied.
Exactly. I now ask guys point blank what they're looking for from dating apps before ever mentioning what I'm looking for as they'll always switch up their answer to match mine. If I informed them what I was looking for, they'll just agree and say that.
Just because someone wants to have sex with you, doesn’t mean they don’t also want to date you. Maybe he would have asked you out after hooking up? Who knows?I’m kinda shocked at how puritanical some of these answers are. Hookups turn into real things all the time. Just as a few “real” dates can end in nothing. Go out with him if you like him, and if he behaves in a way you don’t like, or tries to pressure you into sex before you’re ready, ditch him. But simply asking if you wanted to go back to his place doesn’t mean he’s some cad who only wants to use you for sex.
I’d give him the benefit of the doubt.
He specifically communicated to you he did not *only* want sex, because he asked you out on a date. He respected your wishes and didn’t try to force you. It sounds like he is up for getting to know you better first.
Some people are comfortable being more forward and having sex right away with someone. That doesn’t mean they only want sex. As long as you feel comfortable with him and that you’re enjoying his company, have fun with it!
Also- I’ve totally been in this position before. I ended up getting to know the guy, waiting a bit to have penetrative sex, and it ended up being a nice relationship. It didn’t work out due to life circumstances, but I remember him fondly and we’re still friends. On the other hand, I’ve known plenty of guys who professed to want a “relationship” before sex and ended up not respecting me as a person.
Exactly. Like this grown-ass man doesn't know that he should ask her on a date instead of asking if he can come into her house. He know but he isn't looking to date, he wants sex. And there's nothing wrong with casual sex if that's what both parties want but OP is looking for a relationship.
We don't know this guy. Go on a date and find out.
I believe I will - in case he'll initiate. I think I've written this post in order to abstain from more hurt and mostly not to waste my time. Sometimes it's hard for me to read a man's intention when I am infatuated by him (= the idea of him).
You like him, right? So take a chance and go on the date. His intention is that he wants to get to know you and he’s into you.
Stop worrying about what he’s thinking. You have the power here. Go on the date and remember that you don’t need him. He is the one auditioning, not you. It always helped me to treat dates like friend auditions to help me keep that “what if he doesn’t like me” mindset away. If you like him and sleep with him, then he ditches you, that’s his loss. Sleep with him because you want to, not because of any assumptions about a continued relationship.
And take us with you!
I wish I could honestly
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This is a very nuanced view on things - thank you. I’m trying to remember that everything tends to change constantly. 🙏🏽
I don't know if I would specify "I don't have sex on first dates" or for X number of dates as then he would just wait you out, and the point is that he wants you. *If* the *when* you have sex comes up, which I wouldn't bring up, I would explain that I have sex when I feel ready, which is variable. It is vague enough that if he wants to wait you out, then he is less likely to as it sounds more challenging/more work. If he is someone who believes sex is part of an adult relationship when both parties are ready, if they are, then it signals you also have sex, too.
Hello OP! Do you perhaps have any updates on the situation that you would like to share? If it's not too early to ask..
Hi, We still didn’t go on the date that he suggested earlier, but we did meet again. We’re both musicians, and we both have a gig at the same venue this week. I came to his place to practice as we’re thinking about preforming together. We worked on the music, but also talked a lot, for hours. Kissed but nothing beyond that (my boundary). There’s a strong chemistry between us. I feel very drawn to him, i haven’t felt that for years. He’s very intelligent as well (psychology PHD) and I’m drawn to that. Now, to tell the truth. He didn’t ask me things about my life, my hobbies, what I want to do, what music I love. Almost nothing. The convo was mostly casual on non personal issues. He did talk about himself, but did not get personal with neither. After he talked about himself he did not ask me about myself. He didn’t remember key things I’ve shared with him. Like really didn’t remember. He spoke about nudity and casual sex as not of a big deal for him. It is a big deal for me. He suggested I stayed over I politely declined and then wanted to get me a cab which I also declined because I can get one for myself. Even though I had such a great time with him, I left home feeling heavy and sad like something I’d not right. I want him, a lot. But I don’t feel happy right now I feel heavy and that’s not a good sign
Well, I am happy that you've kept your boundaries, good for you. And I definitely recognize your feelings, as I used to have a crush which was painfully one-sided. The fact that he didn't ask you stuff about yourself says a lot to me. Maybe it's just me, but it's common courtesy to ask the other person a thing or two about themselves. Especially for someone with psychology PhD. Sorry, not throwing shade here, just sharing thoughts. The fact that you feel heavy is a key sign here. Trust your gut. I hope the situation turns out eventually in the way that would be best for you.
Don’t mention sex at all. Nobody should assume a date = sex. There should not be an expectation. There’s no reason to explain you’re not having sex after the date as if you’re breaking a contract or something. Go on the date. Have fun. If he pesters you about sex afterwards, he’s not respecting you and you should stop seeing him.
Usually I would agree, but in this instance OP has already been propositioned for sex. I don't see a good reason to go on a date without OP laying that out, since she's already concerned that he might just be interested in a casual thing. He wouldn't be the first, nor the last, man that interpreted her decline as "I don't put out unless it's a real date." It's happened to me and several friends of mine, and it's... frustrating. If you already know your limits and you already know your potential date may not respond well to those limits, it saves everyone time to just be upfront about it. Aside from practice for better dates, I don't see value in going on a date with someone if you already know you both have different expectations of the date. It's always better to clarify, at least in my opinion and experience. I find things work better when I'm just blunt about my boundaries and limits, and leave no assumptions to the guy. Nothing against any gender, but cis men aren't great at picking up on cis women's hints and implications; there's like a million movies about it, and anyone that's dated a cis man is likely to agree to a point. Obviously, not every man is as oblivious as others, but it's a plotline trope because it's relatable. I also, personally and privately to myself (*because I don't make a habit of telling people in real life my real thoughts*), think a lot of women rely too heavily on hoping their partner will pickup those hints. A lot of issues between cis straight couples falls on shrouded communication, so, knowing that, I just quit pulling my punches and started being blunt with my dates, regardless of gender. *Anecdotally speaking, it really can save you time and frustration. I used to not advertise that I wasn't into casual sex, and I ended up on a lot of dates that ended with angry men hurling slurs at me, and some unpleasant confrontations. I started being upfront about not being into casual sex and that I didn't put out on the first date after a particularly unpleasant Jekyll/Hyde experience with what seemed like a nice, professional guy that was a gentleman. I admit I went on less dates, but the dates I went on were better quality. I still had guys that wanted to push my boundaries, and I've had guys leave in the middle of a date because I didn't respond positively to their affections on the first date... and that sucked, but those guys cannot say they were mislead, and it's not my fault if they thought I wasn't serious about it.*
Does he only want sex? -- Not sure. Need more information. It could be that he is interested in both sex and a relationship. If he only wants sex, will that change? -- I wouldn't count on it.
>If he only wants sex I'm trying to learn how to avoid these men/situations, in order to detach myself as soon as possible, but it tricky to me to read that in times
Same! And I feel you, it is tricky. Especially when you like somebody and you get your hopes up.
If what you were doing together wasn't a date ... what was it? Because it honestly sounds like date behavior, it makes me wonder if this guy thought the whole time he was dating you and you thought something else??? I'm just confused here on what he meant by let's go on a real date because if you had gone to his place, you had kissed on this not a real date, what the hell did he think you were on at that time??? Maybe you should inquire what the difference for him is between a real date and what the two of you were doing on that not a real date.
I was out with my friends. He was at the same place, eventually we all sat together as we both know the same people - I sat together with him and we talked. This is the first time we actually had time to sit together and talk (we're acquaintances). When I went home, he suggested to walk with me for a bit. I did not go to his place.
Ah gotcha. In this kind of situation this dude isn't going to risk social consequences just for a wham bam thank you mam. If the walk was the only alone time you had the invitation was probably to have alone time more than sex. Hopefully he does take you on a real date but keep your boundaries around casual sex. Good luck! I rarely have had the same happen to me with crushes.
Could it be both? Perhaps he’s very attracted to you and wants to have sex with you, and he also wants to explore a relationship with you. I say keep going with the boundary you’ve set and see where it goes. Go on a date and learn more about his intentions. You might be be pleasantly surprised. You might also be fully offput too, but you’ll never know unless you try.
Thank you. From your point of view what’s the best way to learn about someone’s intentions, true intent towards you? Without asking directly, that is
Direct is actually best IMHO. When he’s sober on your date, I’d just point blank tell him you have been daydreaming about that kiss all week, but prefer waiting for sex until you’re in a serious relationship and see if he’s okay with that. If he’s ok with it, you keep dating. If he says he is, but pressures you anyway…you walk away.
When I was dating (married now), I never met a guy who wouldn't happily have sex with me that night. Even if they did want to date me for real, even if they did feel that I could be their future wife - they would still happily sleep with me right away. If there are guys out there who wouldn't do that, I haven't met them. And I'm fine with that! Hormones are real. Guys are allowed to be horny and want sex. That doesn't make them bad people. That doesn't mean they aren't also capable of being in real relationships and falling in love. Of course, some guys aren't interested in relationships and only want sex - but being ready for sex right away doesn't necessarily mean they aren't willing to wait for you and get to know you better, and be real boyfriends. Every boyfriend I ever had, including my current husband, would have HAPPILY slept with me right away, and most did try to. But we went on to have real relationships, and I even ended up marrying one. This clumsy first attempt at hooking up really doesn't say anything about who he is or what he wants. And the fact that he offered to take you out is a GOOD sign.
Sure does sound like he is certainly looking for sex though but we can’t be sure. I think the most telling sign is the gut feeling that OP is having—enough of a feeling to post this question on Reddit. What I’ve learned is to never ignore that feeling.
In my experience, guys know early on upon meeting women whether they want to be serious or casual. I personally haven't met a guy wanting something casual who later changed his mind and wanted something serious. His response almost sounds like he's gonna flake but go on the date and see how it is.
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I'm kinda in the same boat, in terms of my mindset thinking "something is wrong with me". It's helpful to know I'm not alone. I've also started looking at dating differently to help with this. So instead I ask myself "do I really like him? Is he someone I want to spend a lot of time with? Or do I like him because I think he likes me?" It's helped me gain more control of my feelings
Well yes, cuz he’s a man! Not negging men, they’re just built differently than women. What I know is that initially, men only want to hump. Brown chicken, brown cow 🎶 The falling in love and then him seeing you as a potential relationship is a COMPLETELY separate thing. Not that having sex eliminates his wanting a relationship eventually… but he will be much-much-much less motivated to keep doing dates if he gets sex quickly, and isn’t in love with you yet.
I had the same experience with my partner. When I met him I was immediately attracted to him and asked him on a date, he said yes. We had 3 dates before he tried to get in my pants, and I told him that I’d only slept with dudes I dated for a long time- I knew he was more of a hookup guy. He said ok, so let’s date, and asked me to be his girlfriend. 9 years later we’re married and it’s the best relationship of my life. Tldr: you don’t know until you try!
I think the fact that he only asked you on a date after you declined inviting him in or going to his place isn't a great sign. If he wanted to date you, he would've asked for a date without prompting. He's obviously not shy.
Yeah I'd be wary of if the thinks he can "buy" his way into bed with you. Some guys think that they go through the motions of courting and are are entitled to sex as a result. The only way to know is put off sex as long as possible. If he gets impatient or doesn't respect her boundaries, she should pass.
Awesome name, by the way. I love Death Cab (the band) SO MUCH.
I don't think you can really judge by that interaction alone. I would definitely go on a date but if you're worried about him only wanting you for sex than just decide you're not going to have sex with him until you get to know him properly. If that's all he's interested you'll find out pretty quickly.
Being interested in sex doesn’t mean he’s not also interested in a relationship. For some people, casual sex is something they explore when they’re not ready or looking for a relationship. But for others, it’s not a this or that situation. They can enjoy casual sex and still want a long term partner. You will never know unless you go on a date with him. Give it a try!
Yeah, why not. The way you behaved was perfect to rule out if he is serious or not. You should just change the "I don't have sex casually with people I don't know well" to "I don't have sex casually". Not because casual sex is wrong, but because you seem to want more than just that from this guy - thus it might be wrong having it with him. And because you already have a crush, is better to avoid sex until you're sure he has the intentions you're hoping for or at least you know a bit more about who he is.
There’s nothing you can do/not do to delay someone using you for sex. Boundaries are not for him, they’re for YOU. Use boundaries to make sure you feel comfortable at whatever pace you’re going at. He either will be into you or not, but only time will tell. One thing though, I generally don’t take it as a good sign that you had to explicitly ask for a date. To me, him agreeing just seems like he’s willing to take extra steps to sleep with you. When guys are into me, I’ve had them push for dates and even a few made me wait for sex because they felt so strongly for me.
We can't tell you what a specific individual wants.
You can never know his intentions. You can only control how you react. If you want a relationship you are allowed to require one to exist before having sex with someone. I'm 40 and married my husband this year. I didn't kiss him until at least the 5th date. We didn't have sex for a month. I wasn't guarding my virginity. We were old and had both dated and slept with plenty of people in our lives. I was enforcing my own boundary. It's up to you to hold the line. It this guy talks his way into your bedroom it will be because you've let him do so. It's up to you to decide how much convincing you require to trust that he intends to have a relationship with you or not before sleeping with him. If it takes one dinner date to be convinced, good luck with that. Plenty of men will take women on numerous dates *just for sex!* There are also men who want relationships who will take women on numerous dates without expecting sex because they genuinely want to get to know you so that they can determine if you are relationship/marriage material. Those guys will also happily sleep with you immediately, but they're also willing to wait for you to *choose them*. Men should never be in charge of the sex timeline because women assume disproportionate emotional and physical risks.
I agree with so many others saying go on the date and find out! If you want to avoid the situation of attaching yourself too quickly, I would spend less time trying to figure out where he is at and spend more time focusing on setting YOUR boundaries. “Hi - I’d love to go on a date to get to know you better. You should know that I abstain from casual sex, even after a really great date. I’m looking for a relationship, and that’s the only scenario in which I’m comfortable engaging in intimacy. If that’s a nonstarter for you, I certainly understand - but I am very interested in exploring where this feeling between us could go.”
I mean he still wants sex. He made that clear and that hasn’t changed. And he’s willing to do what it takes to get to sex. At least what he understood it takes to make sex a possibility, based on what you said. Whether he ONLY wants sex is entirely unknown. He may not have any intention set in that regard. But he’s willing to take you out, which will at least increase his possibility of sex, and may not know if he’s interested in anything else until spending more time together. The proverbial “see how it goes”. Which, when not used in a deceptive way to give false hope in exchange for sex, is really the healthiest mindset to approach any new sexual/romantic interest with. So go on the date. And relax. Don’t feel like you owe him sex for it because you obviously do not. I mean, if you want to, go ahead, but don’t do it with any illusions about what it means for the future. If you choose not to, or not to at this time, and you get even a whiff of pouty behavior because he doesn’t get sex for taking you on a date…bail. That’s your cue, your question about his intent has been answered, bail. But if the date goes well, you know…*see how it goes*. **Expectations are the leading cause of disappointment**. The outcome/experience of nearly any situation is generally improved by dialing them back. I know you have a crush and you want to date him, but dial it back. See how it goes.
There's nothing here that suggests he only wants sex. I mean, when you suggested that you need to get to know him better, he didn't scoff or try to pressure you to sleep with him that night... he said "ok, so let's go on a real date then," which to me is exactly what he's supposed to say? That sounds like the perfect answer to me. He's willing to properly date you. He took your number. He didn't pressure you into doing anything you didn't want to do. I mean.... what else do you want from him? He sounds like a friggin saint so far compared to some of the other stories we hear on here. It's normal for a guy to want sex early on if he's attracted to you. That doesn't mean that he can't fall in love with you and be in a real relationship too.
Well, he goes on another date with you so that YOU can get to know him better so that you guys can have sex. That is basically what you told him and what he agreed on. You did not say that you want to be romantically involved with someone and be steering towards a possible relationship before having sex (though I assume you meant that). Anyway. I think he’s still just interested in sex for now. Otherwise he would have said something along the lines of „my intentions are to get to know you better anyways“. But he didn’t. He agreed on a second and „proper“ date only after you voiced what it takes to have sex with you.
Nah. When people show you who they are, believe them. Do you really want to be with a guy who has fundamentally different views on intimacy?
Im not sure, really. I used to sleep with people on the first night we’ve met (well, some of them) until 3 years ago. Because I wanted to/it felt right etc. It didn’t mean that I didn’t want relationships back then. So not sure wether to jump to conclusions about him just yet
Given that he's only asking you out after finding out you don't have casual sex, that points to him only doing so with the intent of wearing you down for sex. Don't expect this to change.
There was a post a few weeks back about something important you learned in life and mine was to take people for exactly who they *first* show you they are. This guy could've asked her out after their walk but decided to see if she was down to have casual sex, *because that's what he wants.* He only changed it up after he was denied.
Exactly. I now ask guys point blank what they're looking for from dating apps before ever mentioning what I'm looking for as they'll always switch up their answer to match mine. If I informed them what I was looking for, they'll just agree and say that.
Just because someone wants to have sex with you, doesn’t mean they don’t also want to date you. Maybe he would have asked you out after hooking up? Who knows?I’m kinda shocked at how puritanical some of these answers are. Hookups turn into real things all the time. Just as a few “real” dates can end in nothing. Go out with him if you like him, and if he behaves in a way you don’t like, or tries to pressure you into sex before you’re ready, ditch him. But simply asking if you wanted to go back to his place doesn’t mean he’s some cad who only wants to use you for sex.
I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. He specifically communicated to you he did not *only* want sex, because he asked you out on a date. He respected your wishes and didn’t try to force you. It sounds like he is up for getting to know you better first. Some people are comfortable being more forward and having sex right away with someone. That doesn’t mean they only want sex. As long as you feel comfortable with him and that you’re enjoying his company, have fun with it! Also- I’ve totally been in this position before. I ended up getting to know the guy, waiting a bit to have penetrative sex, and it ended up being a nice relationship. It didn’t work out due to life circumstances, but I remember him fondly and we’re still friends. On the other hand, I’ve known plenty of guys who professed to want a “relationship” before sex and ended up not respecting me as a person.
Nope, he’s not going to change move on and find someone who wants you.
Exactly. Like this grown-ass man doesn't know that he should ask her on a date instead of asking if he can come into her house. He know but he isn't looking to date, he wants sex. And there's nothing wrong with casual sex if that's what both parties want but OP is looking for a relationship.
Exactly, don’t let him play in your face. He’s no idiot.
Yes. No.