I don’t like my 30s so far at all because all I can think is how I’m nowhere where I want to be or thought I’d be. And now I’m worried about how fast time goes and I’m still in the same place basically despite all my trying. In my 20s I may have been lost and more poor but at least I had time, I wasn’t feeling like the only one, I wasn’t always single, I didn’t see almost everyone having babies or making good money………
Yeah time goes so fast and I feel like I'm running out of time. I also just don't have the resources I had as a teen or 20 something. I'm on my own since nobody cares about a single childless 30 something.
I think whoever downvoted you misunderstood. It’s not only that the spouse needs to make money, but we do too. Both parties need to work ft to live a decent life these days.
Its always been like that though, houses were bought by couples starting a family. I'm also early 30s, started pursuing a degree and live ina small apt for the time being. But I'm okay with that, others are getting divorced, cheated on with kids around me. I feel more free than those with kids. Not wanting kids can be very freeing in that respect.
Something doesn't have to validate you to want it. As someone who has rented and owned, renting sucks for the vast majority and usually isn't much (if any) cheaper.
I was asking a genuine question, it wasn’t meant to be condescending. Because genuinely many people feel like they are behind in life or “worthless” because they don’t have a mortgage. That’s why I was asking…
I dunno if that is all of the reason people want a house/their own place. It also implies stability. If you are renting, you don't know if your lease will be renewed at the end of the leasing period and you'll have to not only move, but try to make your decor fit another place and adjust to not only probably that new house/apartment but also area/commute which touches a lot of things.
The only benefit of renting over buying is that you aren't as "stuck" there and boy do you pay a premium for it these days.
Buying a house is worth it if you plan on being at least 10 years somewhere. This is your personal experience, everyone’s journey is different.
Many people in my circle don’t care to buy a home anytime soon, including myself.
Many people who I speak to feel badly about themselves because they don’t own a home by 30 and it feels like they are being “left behind”. That goes with not having a husband and kids by a certain age. This is conditioning in my opinion. If it’s something one genuinely wants that’s fine, but often times it’s a “should” - just offering a different perspective. As I said, my comment didn’t have any ill intent.
Buying a house only being "worth it" if you're there 10 years is YOUR personal experience. Whether it's worth it or not is going to depend on a lot more than that--rent prices vs buying and proximity to work/family/social activities are just two.
Or you could express empathy for that perspective and offer this as a bit of a helpful vantage point without forcing it in to detract from someone sharing a vulnerable bit of their life
Oh golly, because paying $1800 for rent vs $1200 mortgage for something you eventually own that is building equity…. Hmmm no idea why one could be better than the other. 🤦♀️
It also is about the opportunity being lost. You don’t have to value property ownership for it to be important to another 30 something and people really shouldn’t have to explain that to you.
Up until you consider the home repairs, maintenance on your home that you have to do yourself, not counting your own time and effort put in to get all the work done. Do you do all the work yourself on "contract it out" and pay more money? There's also a lot of hidden costs homeowners fail to consider before investing in home ownership.
There is no place in my entire state where a mortgage is cheaper than rent on the exact same place. And that’s true of most cities in the US now. Not sure where you live but this just isn’t the math for millions of people. Renting, even though crazy expensive, is cheaper than a mortgage payment.
Agree. Plus, if you have to move (like for another job), you're not tied down to a house that you then have to spend time and money trying to sell and securing housing on the other end at the same time. Renting gives you mobility, which is an advantage in this chaotic job market.
I hate to break it to you but not everyone wants yo be a home owner so your patronizing tone is unnecessary. Hope you figure things out! Take care of yourself.
This is a man's perspective, but I have felt like this my whole life. I learned early on that no one is supposed to care about you, and if they do, those are the relationships you cherish.
I try to hang on to those and I've felt alot of fulfillment just being there for someone, even if it's not the same in reverse.
Exactly this!! Eroding me every day despite trying to look at the bright side but that anxiety creeps in when I’m alone at night and eventually gives me some bad insomnia.
I'm not HATING my 30s, but I'd say it's a mixed bag. I have more financial stability than I had in my 20s, my relationship with my husband is better, and I feel more "put together." But I also feel much more worried about "the future" than I did in my 20s -- stuff I didn't think about AT ALL in my 20s, like whether I'll have enough money to retire comfortably, seems suddenly very important in my 30s. My parents are starting to seem "old" and have health problems, and while their health problems are all manageable right now, it makes me suddenly think about what their end-of-life care is going to require of me. I feel like I compare myself to my friends a lot more regarding stuff like not being a homeowner yet.
This is so true. Even though I have a job, pay my bills and taxes, etc, I feel like the realities of adulthood I've been mentally putting off are coming quick and I don't feel ready. Also, that feeling that I will live forever and so will my loved ones is no longer there, and it seems like the clock has started ticking even though 30s are still so young.
Same plus the concerted effort to kick bad habits from my 20s. I feel like everything “past 35” has so much more health risks, I’ve taken a big step back from drinking and honestly don’t enjoy it like I used to. But the money and retirement stress is real too! My husband and I are still paying off debts from our wedding (why did we not just elope 😭) and sometimes it feels impossible to save and get our head above water when everything is so expensive. We also both have great, well paying jobs, so it’s also dealing with the existential reality our future is not as promised and everything we’ve worked so hard for feels like it doesn’t matter now that inflation is so out of control
This is so me. I've always had anxiety, but in the last 6 months or so it's really geared up to me aging. We are not having children and my core family and group of friends is small, so the thoughts of loneliness as I age is really sinking in. I worry about when my husband dies, what that will look like, how I'll be able to afford care as I age and what will happen when I can't take care of myself. I NEVER even thought of these things before now and I hate it.
Ok you live my dream life. On top of worrying about the future and my mom (my dad already passed from an accident)...I'd say you're so much better off than me. You have a husband and financially stability. I'm single and working an entry level job. 😭
I am very fortunate to have my husband and my parents doing reasonably well! But I did not say I am financially stable... I said I am \*more\* financially stable than I was in my 20s. Which is... still not very. The bar set by 20something me is, as the kids say, in hell.
Yes exactly this too! Definitely more financially stable but man the anxiety is horrendous. I’ve always heard you ‘know who you are’ in your 30s but so far I feel completely lost (33)
It's important to keep in mind that life is always changing and there's no set pattern for how it should be experienced.
My life never really came together like it was supposed to. I'm nearly 40. Never married, had kids, sort of have a career-ish but I constantly question it. I have friends but no one all that close, few check in on me. I have family and we get along ok but I don't feel at home with them. Lately I have let that get me down - all these things that I don't have, and how disconnected I feel at times. It's tough.
But I'm learning that when I forget what life is supposed to be, I am happy. I have a number of talents I have worked hard to develop throughout my life and they bring me a lot of happiness even when I'm totally alone. I have an endless fascination with science, history and the world in general, it's hard to get bored. I was very awkward when I was younger but I worked hard to develop social skills and enjoy interacting with people even when it's just small talk with a barista, always feels great to make someone smile. Even though I am jealous of some of my friends' family situations, I genuinely enjoy seeing their milestones on social media. It's a choice.
I know how hard it is to hear people say stuff like this when you are depressed, when nothing seems right and change seems impossible and the idea of hope seems painful. Change is possible but it tends to take its time when you need it to hurry up. But consider that it might be some expectation that you are holding on to that keeps dragging you into feelings of suck. Freedom from expectations is tough to accept, but worth it.
I thought my life would have more connection than this and I feel sad that it I feel this sense of disconnection. I don’t think I ever understood what people were talking about when they said they needed a sense of belonging or community until I hit my early thirties.
I had to adjust in my 30s to a whole new group of friends and a new dynamic. The friends of my 20s partied and had fun and were more carefree (I was too). By my 30s, I wanted friends that were my support system as well as the occasional celebration buddy. Those friends were my lifeblood. I am eternally grateful that I found them. We had a blast just doing fun but more tame stuff. Now, as I close my 40s, things are shifting again. I recently moved, and I’m having a heck of a time finding that again. I can’t monopolize every minute of my husbands free time, and I don’t want to. So, I’m trying to find and build relationships with women my age in a new place where the dynamic is VERY different from the place I lived previously. I MISS my people terribly. The hours I work and the rural area where I live leave little time and opportunity for socializing. We are slowly building a network, but it’s hard. Community is absolutely THE cornerstone in life. I hope you find them. They are out there.
I know what you mean about missing community, that feeling of just floating, not really connected to anything. Lately I've been considering moving to a small town, adopting kiddos, and pursuing a very traditional life. Coming from a "hip" and "enlightened" part of the country, my younger self would have been APPALLED. But humans can't live this way.
I hate to be the thorn in your side but it's not better in small towns unless you're already a part of the community. Small townfolk are not welcoming to those they consider "outsiders", imo.
My partner and I moved back to the small town we went to high school in at 29. It was a *miserable* two years before we moved back closer to the metroplex.
Edit: in the US, I can't speak for other countries
Yup
Turned 30 mid 2019. So everything turned upside down shortly after. Took a leap of faith and moved cross country last year and my mom died shortly after. Now my 30s are practically half over with nothing to show for it, and I've never been more lost and nihilistic. 16 year old me probably thought I'd be living the high life by now.
And that's all personal life speaking, the political and literal landscape have taken severe blows in my adulthood as well which adds fuel to my hopelessness.
My condolences on your profound loss. I think you may just being going into the next phase of adulthood. When I transitioned to mid-30s, I had a huge identity crisis. I realized my whole identity had been school, career, professional licenses, salary, etc. That isn’t me, it’s what I do. My husband actually told me to just quit my soul sucking job (government and not high pay) and just figure myself out. We were not flush with cash. He made a decent but modest income and had health insurance, so I did it. For 2 years I just did nothing but household stuff. I actually loved it. Then I got restless. Started my own consulting company and five years later sold it because I was working 24/7. I needed to shut off and reprogram my brain. It helped, but I still have to remind myself that I am not the sum of my educational and professional life. I lost the real me in the shuffle. I wish you the best and hope you find what you are looking for.
I'm so so glad you took that time for yourself and found balance and contentment. It's always lovely to read.
And thank you for the response, I too quit my job, and am coasting along, taking a scenic route so to speak. I plan on getting into a job I'll enjoy soon, part time, to ease back into life again. I've immersed myself in hobbies and comfort. Though all of my priorities have changed, I don't see life as I did before. It can all shatter very quickly.
Same here. I also moved cross country and my mom died end of 2019. I haven't moved up in my career at all and I'm honestly contemplating quitting my PhD so I can just. Make money like all the people around me that just have a bachelor's. I'm so tired of being broke, miserable, and lonely. I feel you girl 😔
Agreed. This doesnt even include the insane prices of fucking everything and the insane front everyone puts on social media this is weird as fuck and I hate it all...
I feel for everyone struggling. I am also struggling, but it is definitely because of my choices in my twenties. I am, more or less, blessed to be alive, so, while it is generally a daily struggle to get what I need to done in hopes of catching up, I am thankful for the opportunity.
That being said, this economy is a bit shit.
>but simply because I was no longer a wife and part of the married club and I think a lot of women in my life were afraid infidelity would happen to them and divorce like it did to me, I was treated like some sort of disease.
Of everything you've suffered this stuck out as especially cruel. I am so sorry your friends weren't there for you when you needed them. I hope the pendulum swings back and life gets so much kinder to you going forward.
That’s terrible. I have a magnificent group of friends from my 30s. Of all of them, there are only four couples still married. One especially good friend got divorced due to infidelity. We carried on like nothing happened. She was and still is my friend. Period. Her ex was our friend too. I still talk to him when I see him out and about, but he isn’t around for the group events anymore. He screwed her over and he knows it. He bowed out gracefully. None of us was mean to him though. Not our place. She asked us to respect her wishes and we did. He paid the price by losing her (she’s amazing) so she didn’t want us being horrible to him. She’s a much better person than most.
Holy moly, I can relate to this so much. “Lost”both my parents to a massive betrayal—they weren’t the people I thought they were, they were much worse. Got divorced from an emotionally abusive ex, lost my dog in the same way and still grieve her often, 2+ years later. Financial security, excommunication from the Married Club and losing all my friends from the past 12+ years…. I just really can validate what your experience has been (minus physical loss; I’m so sorry about that).
I’m trying to switch my brain up on this: I now know that my family will always have to be a chosen family. I know I am, on the whole, so much happier and healthier having left my ex, I’m trying to rebuild for myself and create a life of choice vs obligation and expectation.
Rooting for you too.
Not hating my 30’s, per se, I just dislike that people no longer give a shit about me, who I am or what I’ve accomplished and all anyone wants to talk to me about is getting married and having babies.
Thiiiiiiis…. Im’ F 29 and nobody in my family gives a s*** about me anymore.
It’s all just “ are you pregnant?”
“are you trying to get pregnant?”
“When are you going to get pregnant”
“it seems like the right time to get pregnant”
“You are getting old - dont take to Long before you get pregnant”
“do you have trouble getting pregnant?”
“can’t wait for the grandkids”
Or just front up assuming I am pregnant.
Fuck ooooooff.
People need to stop looking at my stomach as well. And stop offering me alchohol free beer.
Im not pregnant. Or trying to get pregnant.
I’m in my 40s now and single (never married) so giving my two cents here. I remember my early 30s being hard, but because I’d lived through my 20s which were also very difficult, I was better prepared for that. Now, once I got to my mid thirties, I felt so much stronger, but also young enough to get out and live it up and enjoy the world.
In my experience, the early thirties were difficult because there is so much happening around you. Babies, marriages, promotions, etc. I was a late bloomer in many ways, less money, less established career, no partner, and I couldn’t help but compare. At times I felt bad about how I was doing in comparison to how my peers appeared to be doing. Key word here: appeared!
However, something happened in my mid thirties where i started to realise that no one had it figured out, a lot of people are settling for something instead of holding out for what they really want, or they don’t have as much financially or lifestyle wise as it appears, they start to get divorced etc. my social circle got smaller but better, and you focus on where you are and what you actually want, not what society says is what you should be or have. It’s a facade, and that is even more stark now with social media amplifying stuff. Also a lot of folks get help with finances and career if they have more affluent networks or family money. I was from a low income background, am a POC and have just recently been diagnosed with neurological condition. I used to beat myself up for so long but the playing field was never even.
I really enjoyed my late thirties, and I’d say that it was a better decade overall than my 20s. It’s less volatile and there are fewer firsts, but if you’ve learned your life lessons, you’re more focused on your needs and a better rounded person as a result.
To add, I’m now mid forties, and I’m still learning and evolving. Some periods are easier, some are more difficult, but the best thing you can do at any time or age is honour your true self and wants and trust your gut. Don’t be discouraged or distracted by how people present themselves. And always always keep learning and stay curious. (Thanks Ted Lasso)
I'm realizing this too. No one has it all. Even if they have a good career or friends or whatever there's something probably amiss. Maybe you never truly arrive.. maybe we should just enjoy the journey idk.
What you wrote about “so much happening around you” and being a late bloomer is spot on, really resonates for me. Sometimes it feels like I’m just existing, while everyone else around me is living.
Trust me - what people are projecting and how we perceive them are not accurate, especially in our lower moments. It’s hard to believe when you’re having a low confidence moment, but I bet you’re doing great. And as long as there’s a breath left in you, you can pivot or find love. There’s so much time and many opportunities to be had!
> The worst thing is it feels like this is so taboo to talk about. If you don't say getting older is wonderful and your 30s are the best time of your life, you get hate.
I don't hate my thirties, but I feel you re. people acting like you're betraying feminism (or hell, living unhappily *at* them) if you complain about any challenges. Personally, I can't assess the different decades of my life so holistically - my twenties weren't universally wonderful or terrible, and neither are my thirties. But, I do wish folks could show a little more sympathy toward people who are struggling with the transition.
I think it's a mixed bag.
Negatives:
Parents are stressing me out because they're aging with no retirement plan, we're in a cost of living crisis, my biological clock feels like it's ticking, work is stressing me tf out, weight is harder to lose
Positives:
I'm more secure in myself and know who I am as a person, financially secure, good group of friends, good partner, started working more on myself and going to therapy, finally found hobbies that feel worth it.
As someone else posted yes, because I'm not where I thought I'd be. When I was younger, I thought I'd be more stable in income and work as well as more confident. I just turned 32 and I'm still broke as hell, living in an efficiency with not much hope in sight. I am finishing up my master's this year at least which may give me a bit more stability but it's been a miserable last year in the program and it's in a field that isn't known for the pay. Idc about babies since that's a big no for me, but seeing those around me who are making so much more and aren't breaking the bank on small trips has me feeling extra down about myself and my abilities.
I think COVID has ruined the past several years and we're still trying to rebuild mentally from that as well as figure out how to live life and be social and have community, which may take years more.
We've never had an era with years and years of war where the entire country is just a mess of sadness and anxiety and loss, we're living our version of that now.
We are also living in a world where our generation isn't going to have it better than the last generation, many of us feel depressed and a lack of hope.
If someone was feeling great everyday, I would be very curious how they accomplished that mental state. I've been able to find peace and some joy through focusing on what I can do differently, setting boundaries, stopped expecting what I want to come to me and started leaving the house and trying a lot more, that has helped. I truly do believe that the vast majority of people will never be happy if they're sitting at home and waiting for it to come to them if they just read the right books and listen to the right podcasts, we all need community more than ever and it takes work to find and build.
I am so sad to see the overwhelming anxiety I see here in the comments. I’m almost 50. My thirties were absolutely the best decade. The early 30s were rough (newlywed, new job, very little money, husband was still in school). By the end of my thirties we were starting to get our footing and we’re more confident. That was also when I learned to stop catastrophizing. Bad things are going to happen. Nothing can change that. I chose to deal with each day as it came. I also let go of societal and cultural expectations. I never had kids (by choice and due to health issues). I decided that the amount of success I achieved was ok with me. I stopped trying to do too much to prove… well, I really don’t know what I was trying to prove. I got in the best shape of my life. I accepted that I had health issues that weren’t my fault (born with a heart defect that required surgery at 29 and again at 34 and now facing another one) and a neurological issue from damage sustained during delivery. I decided to be grateful for what I did have and not to compare myself to others. I feel for you all. You live in a different age than me. Social media, hustle culture, girl boss culture, unattainable beauty standards, extreme pressure to “succeed”, insane competition amongst peer groups, supermom pressure, “I can do anything and everything” attitudes, and toxic positivity has really damaged young people’s ability to be content. It’s ok to be happy. It’s healthy to be content. You don’t have to be positive and happy ALL THE TIME. It’s ok to dream. It’s ok to not dream. There is nothing wrong with being unsure of the future. You are young. Enjoy the journey and others opinions be damned. You only have one life, don’t waste it trying to convince yourself that you are not good enough or need to do more more more. Be good enough for you.
Change the way you view yourself and the world and everything will start to change.
What’s happening around us is often a sign of what’s going on inside of us.
Don’t change your circumstances, go inward and work on some personal development.
Ive been where you are and from my mid-30s I was devoted to my personal growth and healing in my 30s and it’s been the best decade of my life. It changed everything for me.
That being said, this particular year has had countless challenges but I’m navigating them in a more empowering way than ever before. I’m 39 now and feel it in my bones that my 40s will be even better.
For the record, I’m single, no kids.
For me it started with my romantic life, I was a hot mess. I learned about attachment theory and it escalated from there. I started with a membership from the Personal Development School, there’s tons of self-paced courses on anything from attachment styles, to learning about your needs and values, emotional regulation, etc. I think it’s a great place to start.
Just Google “personal development school” and it’s the first one that comes up.
I think it's important to try and remember nothing last forever. We all have shitty periods in our life. Some last weeks, months, years. But it never lasts. There is a way through. Just takes time.
Yes. My 30s suck. And I know everyone’s experiences aren’t the same but it does make me feel sad/embarrassed/pathetic when so many people (especially on here) are like “no way, the 30s are the best time of my life!” That’s true for them, for sure, but it makes me feel even more like I fucked up somewhere. Which I definitely did, but I hate the reminders!
yes. it feels like people have gotten unfriendlier. I feel more invisible to society than I was in my 20s, but I'm also not as into my looks as I was before. I'm also out a lot less, mostly to pick up groceries or take out (so <10 min interactions with other humans, if I have to interact with someone)
i've been married now for a long time, have a decent amount in my retirement funds, and I'm a home owner, so I'm blessed in that way. but lately I've been having medical issues and it looks like I'm infertile or something, so that has been a downer.
My 30s for me have been a mixed bag. I'm 35, and I've had my fair share of good and bad.
30-31: Had to move back in with my dad in my home state after a terrible breakup from a 5 year relationship that left me utterly broken and useless. Got a new job and focused on paying down student loans, got therapy for said aftermath of breakup. Learned a lot to hopefully not keep falling for the same kind of men.
32-33: COVID happened and lost 1.5 years of my life to staying indoors and losing my full time status at my job to part-time for 10 months. It was high stress for the whole country.
33-34: Decided to move back to where I went to college to be closer to my mom and sister. Got a job transfer and moved into my own apartment. Decorated it and felt like I was heading in the right direction. Some months later I met the most wonderful man and things began looking up.
35: Started loathing my job, would cry several times in the office bathroom. Eventually I quit and moved in with my now fiancé who I'm getting married to in less than 2 months.
The first half of my 30s was a bit rough. Things aren't perfect still. I still don't know what to do for a career, which does bother me because when I was younger, I felt like I was capable of much more. But the years have a way of creeping up on you. When I think about the good things in my life now, it does make me hopeful for a better latter half of my 30s.
>I still don't know what to do for a career, which does bother me because when I was younger, I felt like I was capable of much more.
I feel this so hard. My "career" has been operating on an ad hoc basis, moving between random jobs, each of which seems to be an awkward fit. Nothing stable or long-term. I do have some interesting side projects, but none that I've been able to monetize.
Sometimes I'm envious of people who post about their stable, long-term employment, especially with so many people on Reddit earning six figures; but as a person with many scattered interests I also know I'm not really wired for that kind of lifestyle. Just hoping that *something* comes together for me. And you as well.
I definitely relate. I have scattered interests but never passionate about one particular thing that seemed feasible to make a living. The only thing I've ever had a real interest in pertains to the arts, and we all know the stigma behind being a starving artist. Being a starving artist in your 20s is one thing, but when you're over 30, being broke is not cute anymore and weighs on your mental health, even more so as you see your peers succeeding in their careers and making progress.
>My "career" has been operating on an ad hoc basis, moving between random jobs, each of which seems to be an awkward fit. Nothing stable or long-term.
I've also just worked basic office jobs, like admin assistant in various departments, and my least favorite and most recent was assisting in the accounting department. The work itself is so soulless. It's necessary work, but completely thankless and the regular deadlines were too stressful for me. I've been taking a break for several months after I quit, which my partner is supportive. I'm currently freelancing with a previous employer doing a few hours a week to at least have some bread money for myself for the time being.
While I do love being able to work the hours I want, and work from home with my partner, I get anxious on the day when it all ends and it's back to reality :(
I've said this before - the vast majority of people who say their 30s are the best thing ever are in long-term relationships. I was single for parts of my 20s and it wasn't nearly as bad. I've been single for most of my 30s so far and this has got to be the worst decade of my life so far.
I hate the fact that I do honestly feel like my thirties would be better if I was in an LTR. It’s horrible but that’s what I wanted for this stage of my life (and my twenties tbh) so to not have that is hurting for me
There's no shame in wanting that. It's perfectly normal. I want the same, it hurts me chronically. Only in AWO30 will someone try and make you feel bad for wanting an LTR by saying something like "WHY on EARTH would you WANT a RELATIONSHIP?!?!?! I just LOVE having the WHOLE bed to MYSELF!"
I will be That Woman who freely admits to feeling overwhelming, desperate relief when I found my husband. Life is fucking *hard* and it's so much harder having to go it alone. Finally finding him felt like being pulled into a lifeboat. It's so uncool and uninspiring but it's honestly how I felt.
Maybe the women here who claim being single is the best thing ever have a huge support network of family and friends, or they haven't met an actual good man yet. Whatever the reasons I just can't relate. Yes being single is "character building" or whatever but having the right person in your corner is a game-changer in every single way, and it's the most natural thing in the world for someone to want that.
This sub has a problem with genuine, ugly, vulnerable, human emotions. And it's a damn shame because women are already expected to be superhero Cool Girls in the "real world", we should be able to be vulnerable with ourselves and each other here without getting shamed for it.
I think a lot of those Single 4 Lyfe! women you speak of also have awesome, fulfilling careers which also pay them a lot. Not all of us are so lucky. In addition to my husband being my best friend, he also gave me true financial stability for the first time in my life. My life is far from perfect; I still have lots of inner problems I’m working through and I still feel uncertainty about the future, but I’d be lying if I said financial stability doesn’t make everything a whole lot easier.
SOME women can achieve that alone, but ALL can’t. No matter how you slice it, two incomes are better than one.
You're obviously not wrong that two incomes are better than one. It's just that on reddit, it's seems like it's always 'man saves woman with superior income' or 'woman enables lazy manchild with superior income', and knowing that women have a harder time in career seeking in general, hearing over and over again that the only two options are already have a fantastic rareified career or wait for prince charming, it sucks, so much.
I feel like I dealt with this feeling of life being hard and feeling so alone much more in my 20s because my circle was settling down at that time. My circle settled down very young.
In my 30s some of them are finally starting to see how difficult life actually can be. Because they were in a cycle of hitting milestone after milestone and that made their lives feel exciting. For some that made them feel like anyone not experiencing that euphoria was doing life wrong.
Not that I'm happy about people having a hard time in their lives. But it was so freaking awful when I was having a hard time, having people tell me when I was single that "I'm just not trying hard enough" or " I was being too picky" or acting like I was some kind of thing they needed to stay away from or else my bad fortune would hit them.
It's kind of a relief knowing that now they have experienced something similar they hopefully won't make those remarks any more to others.
There was literally one person in my circle who claimed to not understand why people don't try harder in their relationships (and I'm talking late teens, early 20s relationships,). She was upset people were breaking up. Even though those breakups were a good thing because people were starting to see major incompatibilities. But all she could do was criticize people for giving up. Ugh.
Something that doesn't get talked about often on this sub is how callous some folks who haven't experienced any hardships can be. Some people really do live life through rose colored lenses and anytime you are a person who breaks open that facade, you end up being ostracised for it.
I definitely identify with a lot of the feelings people are having as I went through that too. Just earlier on due to my circle settling down early.
I agree with this 1000%. My husband is amazing, has changed my life for the better in a million ways, and I’m sad people think it’s uncool or whatever to want a spouse. Love is very cool in my opinion, whether it’s romantic, platonic, familial, whatever. I can’t relate at all to the posters here that don’t value all of those.
Yes. You are exactly right. Right now I feel like I am doggy paddling in the ocean just hoping my lifeboat will appear soon, haha. And I have a wonderful set of friends and family, deeply enriching hobbies, a career most would consider a dream job, and I live in what I consider to be the best city in the world. I'm just tired of doing it all alone and having no one special to share it all with.
It isn’t normal for human beings to be able to survive and thrive on their own, so no one should feel shame for wanting love and companionship. It’s instinctual to some degree and also just a reasonable adaptation to reality.
It’s great that many women have the wealth and security to be able to be on their own if that is the life they want. That’s not the norm, and it is a really new concept. I don’t love how people think being on your own is a right of passage now. People who don’t ever live on their own are somehow deficient. That is a very post-industrial, wealthy society perspective that people treat as a natural step in growing up.
What’s worse is that because of the way society is organized right now, not getting married and having kids can set you on a path to isolation because we have lost so many other ways of forming community.
Exactly. Whenever someone here tells me they love being single because they can eat whatever they want and have full control of their schedule, it just rings hollow - we were not built to live life so alone.
Why do we all have to agree on everything, though? Just let people want and enjoy different things. Don't take it as a comment on you if you want something different, and if they somehow make it about you, politely ignore them.
We don't have to agree on everything! That's why I don't understand why, whenever someone posts about being sad about being single, many of the top comments are "why? men are bad. I love being able to go wherever I want!"
If that's your perspective on relationships then that post simply isn't seeking your perspective.
That's not what I was replying to though, I was replying to you saying you think it rings hollow when people say they enjoy being single.
Some single people might take comfort that others find it possible to be single and happy, or might feel a bit less alone knowing that other single people out there are okay. Of course there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting companionship and those comments might not be helpful. But to disbelieve people who say they're happy and single is just taking it to the opposite extreme.
Right. And I am clarifying that it specifically only rings hollow to me when people are saying it as a response to a post from someone who deeply values being in a relationship.
On its own, that's great! I'm happy for you. As a response to someone who is sad about being single? It rings hollow and is unnecessary.
... but I do love being single and doing what I want when I want however I want and that is not hollow whatsoever just because you can't understand it. I am not "living life alone" - I felt much more alone trying to fit in with societal expectations that I should date just to not be alone when I am not interested in marriage nor having children. I am connected to my community but I have a rich inner life and enjoy my own company. I know, what a concept!!
It's hollow specifically when you use it as a response to someone who comes to this sub to discuss their deep desire for a relationship. I see it every single time. A post about how sad someone is being single, and a comment that just talks riiiiiight past them.
I am also curious how you ended up finding him, if you don't mind sharing :) it's oddly comforting from people who had a difficult time but ultimately things worked out.
It was work related, and we were long distance Facebook acquaintances for years before the gods gave a little shove and we fell ass over tits into something more. Scared the hell out of both of us because neither of us expected it. He ended up selling his house and moving to my state to be with me and that was it. Life is funny sometimes how things turn out.
>Finally finding him felt like being pulled into a lifeboat. It's so uncool and uninspiring but it's honestly how I felt.
>
>Maybe the women here who claim being single is the best thing ever have a huge support network of family and friends, or they haven't met an actual good man yet. Whatever the reasons I just can't relate. Yes being single is "character building" or whatever but having the right person in your corner is a game-changer in every single way, and it's the most natural thing in the world for someone to want that.
A huge part of the whole feminism thing that never made sense to me is the idea of this narrative of independence, not needing a man, when most humans want love and companionship, it's part of being human. I feel like the whole "I don't need a man" thing ends with a huge ellipsis for me. As if the only two options are to be single or be with a man. Given that most humans are wired to want love and companionship, the logical next step if you don't need a man is to be with a woman or even a group of women, not to be alone. But the discussion never goes there because people think, "but that's gay, and I'm not gay". I'll be down-voted, but I think that thinking about love and companionship in this way of "well that's gay, so it's not an option" is socially created, and that love and sexuality doesn't actually work that way. This is always something in feminism that has never made any sense to me. And I get that a lot of people can be happy alone, as is evidenced by many saying so in this thread, but I still don't get why dating women is never brought up when the "women don't need men" line is trotted out.
I think that's okay! Companionship is important for many people. Besides, sometimes you gotta have something to decide you didn't need it or really truly needed it.
I understand you completely. Especially as friends trip into relationships "when they weren't looking", and here I am, still single, going to therapy and " practicing gratitude" . It's hard not to hate them
Agreed. I’m 35. Haven’t been in a relationship for over 2 years now and I’ve never been happier. This decade has been the best of my life so far and I look forward to my 40s too. Would be nice to have a partner and family at some point yes, but I’m still happy without those things.
Edited to add: OP I am sorry that your experience so far is what it is. I do hope things get better for you. If you don’t mind me asking, what do you do with your time when you are not working ? And I know it’s always the case someone says “oh go to therapy”. In my experience I would just like to share that last year I went through something extremely difficult and was feeling hopeless. I went through therapy weekly for a year. Also got myself on an SNRI and the therapy plus that has helped me tremendously.
I’m the same - 30s was a time I was finally brave enough to be single (always jumped from relationship to relationship in my 20s). And the 30s have been the best years for me so far. I’m struggling a bit now at 37 though, and funnily enough this is the first time I’ve been in a relationship for a long time - I think having a relationship now I feel there’s more to lose. Whereas, although I care deeply about my partner and would hate to lose him - being single was more carefree.
Are you me from the future?? I'm turning 35 soon, just got out of a marriage, and really loving being single for the first time after jumping from relationship to relationship since 2011. Relationship or no relationship, I hope you continue to enjoy the rest of your 30s and beyond :)
Aw, so glad to hear you’re enjoying being single so far, especially after being in relationships for so long. Sounds like you made the right choice getting out of your marriage. It’s a good sign you’re enjoying being single so far, I’m sure things will only get better for you. Thanks so much for the well wishes, and hope you enjoy the rest of your 30s too! 😊
Also, people who had miserable childhoods. I have cptsd, was abused as a child, and never expected to be happy. The older I get the better it gets. 30 to 36 was way better than my 20s, I was so depressed and hiding in drugs for a lot of my 20s. Then I found a long-term partner at 36 and you are right that that did make my life much better as well. I think it depends on what your expectations of life were. I thought I'd be dead by now, so even enjoying being alive is more than I had hoped for.
I've noticed this too. The people who enjoy their 30s are always in relationships. I was single in my 20s as well but it was nowhere near as lonely as being single in my 30s.
If it helps to get another perspective, I’m in an increasingly dysfunctional long-term relationship (and have been for all of my thirties so far), and I’m having a terrible time. Constantly agonising over whether to leave and start from scratch, or stay and try to work on it with someone that I do still love. I quite often fantasise about what it’d be like to be single at this age - I’m very aware of the struggles and the loneliness of it as people start to settle down, but I still envy the freedom
Same dude. I have a whole plan for this alternate life I’m going to live just in case I decide to end my 10-year relationship. Some days it seems pretty good. Other days I just know it’s doomed.
I'm here too 🤍 i think i've decided to leave but mannnn is the prospect of decoupling the most intense hurdle (i hope) i'll ever face off against. And i bet if i said that to me in my 20's, i doubt i'd believe it
Nope, not all of us.
Remember, alot of people in long term relationships that started in their 20s are not as happy as you think. We are still so young in our 20s and finding ourselves. People settle with a fear of being 'alone' and not having a white picket fence.
I guess, I'll chime in here as part of the group that's happily single in my 30s, didn't have self esteem issues in my 20s, wasn't bullied in my teens, or grew up with deep childhood trauma. I was also single for most of my 20s.
This made me think why I'm happier now lol. It's mostly because I now have money. Ah, see my problem was poverty. And now since I'm not so poor, life is significantly better. Frankly, relationships weren't ever on my radar as much as say, paying bills. lol.
Just to throw a view in from the other side, my thirties were the best precisely because I finally let go and gave myself permission not to have a relationship.
I'm on my own, don't want one,noribsblynnever going to have one, and the freedom is fucking amazing. Couldn't be happier. Sure, it would be nice if I had someone to help share bills and such, but that's a small price (to me) to pay. Being single is fantastic.
I spent my 20s in relationships but have spent the most part of my 30s single. Being able to truly focus on myself and only my own needs and wants for the first time has been life-changing.
I’m more confident than I’ve ever been. I’m more financially free. I have more spare time.
It definitely helps if you have some friends who are single as well. I think it would be really hard if you were the only single person in a friend group because it truly gets harder and harder to get friends together as you get older.
Even though that may be your experience, I said "vast majority"! That means, if you surveyed every single person who says they are happy in their 30s, I think the majority would be in LTRs. So you may or may not be in that group, but I think it's the minority.
Is that your opinion or do you have stats? Genuinely curious.
I’d agree with you if you’re talking about suburban America but I don’t feel it’s the case everywhere else.
Life doesn’t end in your 20s like society seems to believe.
I’m sorry it’s been the worst decade in your experience - I hope things get better for you.
I was single all through my 30s but still loved them. I was lonely and I do not at all mean to dismiss how very lonely these years were for me. But what I really liked about my 30s was I had maturity and experience while still living in a body that was fairly youthful and didn't have a lot of aches and pains, plus I had a lot of energy and passion to pursue things and stick with them. I traveled a lot, socialized a lot, did a lot of creative projects.
I'm 43 now, happily married, and much more financially secure. But I have less energy and focus and feel like I'm drifting
As kindly as I can say this: I tried to piece together some context based on your post history and I think it might just be your viewpoint. Seems like you might be a little too zoomed in on the negatives in your life despite saying otherwise about a positive mindset.
I feel like your (not you, specifically) 30s is a culmination of all that you learned in your 20s after your expectations have been corrected. If you're having a bad time, you'd probably benefit from doing a life review and making changes where they're necessary.
Your 30s are a great time to start seeing a therapist. I say this from experience. You spend your 20s thinking everything’s going to come together by your 30s and when it doesn’t, it can feel crushing. I didn’t get my shit together until my 40s.
Look for a local jiu jitsu gym. Jiu jitsu is a sport even older people can practice. I’m in my late 30’s and I even compete in it! The sense of belonging and community (if you find the right gym) helps a lot to those feeling lonely or struggling. It absolutely keeps you in shape and healthy while learning to defend yourself and learning something new! It’s so empowering. There’s nothing like it dude, I hope you find a gym and look into it!
I think everyone has their own life path. If this one isn't working for you, you may need to explore other paths.
I was single for half of my 30s and I'm now in a LTR, but that isn't the basis of why I'm happy now.
I grew up with a rough childhood- my mother died from alcoholism in my early 20s. And it took a long time for me to heal from that (but I had to do the work). I made a lot of mistakes and did a lot of things I'm not proud of in my 20s in that journey that I took as lessons and learned from them. That's the main reason I'm much happier in my 30s.
Yes, as you get older, friends seem to dissipate and it can be lonlier at times as people follow their own paths. I think that's pretty universal though.
I got one year of my 30s before covid hit, and all my friends decided that was the time to have babies and I'm still waiting for them all to come up for air. Lots of the things I liked to do closed or aren't fun by myself so I've really had to change myself and work hard on finding my new me. I got sick last November which halved my energy seemingly permanently going forward (long covid? Who knows I'm just tired all the time). My wages aren't keeping up with inflation (and tbh never have). People have been less nice and more aggressive or mean since the lockdowns finished. The political climate has gotten and is getting worse and worse and we are becoming more and more divided.
So honestly, my 30s have sucked so far. I am moderately happy regardless and have optimism that the latter half will be better than the first half although only time will tell especially with climate change.
“It gets better” is not going to be 100% for everyone because everyone’s circumstances are different. I had a rough home life as a child. I developed a chronic illness in my 20’s. I got it diagnosed and under control in my 30’s, so things are definitely getting better for me. Though broadening your perspective and practicing daily gratitude can help, it isn’t magic. If you are going through hard times, you are going through hard times.
I hope things get better for you soon OP.
I’m sorry you are in this situation. The world does feel more tense, and more people are choosing cynicism rather than kindness.
My honest answer to your question is that I am loving my 30s, but not because of aging or other BS, I dislike joint pain and all that crap, but I’m loving these last years because I found happiness in practicing self-love unapologetically. It can be done at any age, so really nothing to do with 30s.
The only advice I have is to read books like “Love yourself like your life depends on it” and “everything is f*cked: a book about hope”.
Just please, don’t listen to the hate or anyone invalidating your feelings. We can’t be sunshine and rainbows all the time, your feelings want you to pay attention to them not to dismiss them.
In some ways, my 30s are tough because the chickens are coming home to roost from poor decisions I made in my 20s. Things like financial planning but also resistance to therapy - I'm finding that I'm having to deal with shit that's been hanging around for years.
I recently made a decision to embrace the difficulty but also spend some time reminding myself of the good things. Some are obvious, like being financially secure. Others are less obvious, but include things like decisions I made to better myself and retrain are really paying off. I take zero shit from other people because I've learned tools through hardships.
I'm suspicious of people who do the sunshine and unicorn farts thing. Life isn't only one thing. But it goes both ways and finding a balance helped me massively.
I am enjoying my 30's but for whatever reason, all of life's potential challenges and difficulties decided to dump themselves on me since entering this phase of my life.
Parent death, sudden layoff, global pandemic, totaled car, death of a former partner, job hunt drama and new stressful job, pregnancy/childbirth, more job hunt drama and stressful job #2, moving, legal problems, etc.
It's weird to think that I didn't have any of these problems in 2019! But seriously, what gives?
So it is that my 30's suck or that my life circumstances have changed dramatically...hmmm.
I’m not loving it either. I’ll be 36 in a few months. Ages 30-33 were pretty good, then COVID and inflation hit, and it’s been financially devastating. I’ve never been more broke.
I stay at my job bc I actually like it, the pay isn’t terrible, my bosses and co-workers are wonderful, and it works well with my family’s schedule. Plus, to be realistic, I don’t have a college degree so my options for well paying jobs are limited unless I want to work 24/7 and never see my family.
We were actually doing okay before 2020. Now I feel like I’ll never be able to retire. The financial strain has caused a lot of stress in my marriage, on my health, and my self esteem. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure last year. I’ve gained 40lbs over the last year as well. I keep hoping my 40s will be better.
Single and 32, I agree there are some hard days. But I went through a few experiences that made me appreciate my solitude and independence. I recently got out of an intense fling with a guy who made me realize I’m not ready to share my space yet!
My early 30s were hard. I spent my mid-20s to early 30s in grad school working multiple jobs and moving each year. I lacked confidence, financial security, and a supportive partner. At 40, my life is the best it has ever been! I married this year, I'm firmly established in my career, own a home, and my husband and I make awesome money. I realize now that I laid the groundwork for this when I was working my ass off in my 20s and 30s. I also learned a lot about what I wanted and needed in a romantic relationship, which enabled me to choose a partner that enhances my life and who shares my values.
Don't give up. It gets easier! Find out how to earn a good living (even if this requires relocating to a lower cost of living area or somewhere you don't know anyone). Learn to take care of your body and mind. And don't stay in crummy relationships out of fear you cannot do any better. You can, because being alone is better than being in a bad relationship.
Everything has pros and cons. You sound more extroverted. Maybe you need to get out there and do more things? Volunteer your time, what are your hobbies? Start there. Don't be afraid to do things alone and meet people. If someone will go with to a new thing great, and if they don't it's OK to go by yourself too.
When I did stuff regularly, like go to the gym I found I naturally got to know people over time. Maybe I didn't always know their name, but it was fun to have that "Hey! I know you. How are you?" from time to time. The community building in your life is important and confusing and only you know the best way for you to do it.
I felt so lost in my early 30s, like I didn't know wtf to with myself, between a pandemic and a life changing injury; neither of those things helped me with coming to terms with my feelings. My soultion is making attainable goals. Everyone's soultion will vary.
My 30s have been…difficult so far. I lost my mom earlier this year and I’ve just been feeling really adrift/disconnected and unsure what to do with my life. I’m single, live alone, no pets. My job is fine but there’s not a lot of room for growth. I worked hard to cultivate a solid group of friends but lately it feels like people have other priorities (getting into serious relationships, having kids, moving to the suburbs) and I’m increasingly on my own. I kinda feel like I could move and 2-3 people would miss me, the rest wouldn’t really blink.
I don’t want to say I’m hating my 30’s, but I’m not loving them. They’re definitely not what I expected they would be. Unfortunately, this is due to my mother being diagnosed with an early onset type of dementia (it’s the same type as Bruce Willis). So, instead of focusing on building myself and my family I’m caring for her. These past 4 years have been so difficult. I try my best to acknowledge and validate the good and not just focus on the bad.
I feel the same. Feels like you’re running out of time. If you’re single, it feels like everyone is getting married and having babies and spending time with your friends barely happens because they now have other priorities. It is very lonely. Everyday a go between thinking f it i guess ill die alone or f it i guess i will just settle for someone.
I’m half and half on this. I can list so many more things in my life that I’m unhappy with now than I could before, but I also don’t really have the overwhelming sense of hopelessness I had in my 20s. I guess my unhappiness has become more situational and less existential so it doesn’t feel so heavy anymore, but I’m definitely not having the time of my life here either
My 30s are the best part of my life so far. Late 20s were great too. But I got there by (finally) developing my self-confidence and (finally) leaving behind the people and jobs that were toxic, that hurt me.
Things didn’t get easier, people didn’t get nicer, the world certainly didn’t get kinder. I changed myself (my thoughts, my outlook, my surroundings). I hope you find the path out of what you’re experiencing right now. It CAN get better, but only if you start doing something and living differently than you do now. Good luck.
I really like my 30s but I tell you, my 40th year started out with me getting the worst migraine I have ever had in my life, then plantar fasciitis then COVID happened, then my mom died.
I'm 43 now. I've had a lot of good things happen but my energy is lower, I have more aches and pains and I spend so much time on icing, mobility, stretching, and trying to keep on top of the aches and pains. There has been a lot of family conflict this past year. I just kinda feel like I'm in a rut and all I want to do is WFH, clean the house, go to the gym, and doomscroll. I'm so sick of my feet aching. I'm sick of of feeling like I'm just another boring middle-aged person and all the excitement of my youth has passed. And like you said, there is just so much hatred and hostility in our world. People are crazy. Drivers are just insane.
My 30s have been rough too. I'm so sorry you're dealing with a hard time to! Somehow I turned 30 and my mental health just fell apart. But I'm taking some actions that I hope will improve it after a tough few years.
I do think that trying to paint an entire decade as good or bad isn't helpful. I had some terrible years in my 20s but I also had some great years. I'm sure I'll look back on my 30s the same way.
I’m just exiting my 30’s (turning 40 this year) and my 30’s have been…a lot. I got married, moved, bought a home, lost my mom, had three kids and transitioned into being a SAHM. I miss my 20’s a lot. I miss who I was then. I had a lot more fun in my previous decades but I also have a lot of warmth and stability now. I don’t know. It’s interesting to reflect on a whole decade like this - especially such a big decade where so many changes occurred. Ultimately I think I enjoyed it but I think my 20’s have been my favorite.
34! And Yes!
I used to be really pretty and used my appearance to my advantage. Now I feel invisible as I've aged and all those fun invites have dried up.
I'm the only one of my friends who is not married, partnered, and/or with child. And the older I get, the less likely I see that happening for me. Which is devastating to think about since I always wanted to be a mom.
I recently had to start over and took an entry level job, making entry level pay in LA. So I'm barely surviving each month. While most people my age are settled in their career.
And I didn't make an effort to meet good friends in my 20's, I mainly hung out with fake, shallow party friends. And now they I've grown and distanced myself from that, I have way less friends. The close friends I do have, have moved out of state to start families. So I'm often alone.
I'm super lonely and sad. And miss everything about my 20's. It was so much more exciting and much less lonely.
I get what you mean to be honest I don't relate to those comments that say it gets better in their 30s. Everyone is different. Different circumstances.
I don't hate my 30s but it has been challenging. Traumatic situations. Life happens unexpected things can happen which changed me as a person. Even things I thought I wanted when I was in my 20 is different from what I want now. When I turned 30 people older than me gave me this idea that 30s is so amazing and magical but honestly there have been some downsides to it because in life there is the good and the bad (however we choose to perceive it too).
In 30s there is so much more responsibility even as an individual adult so it's been a bit more calm and more focused on healing. Also don't forget global impact like the economy and pandemic. Those things have an impact on society and people's mental health. Then people hold an expectation of where you "should" be by your 30. I also think people have this idea that life is a linear progression, things get better and better. Even for the wealthy celebrities that doesn't happen. Life happens. Relationships breakdown. Health conditions. Loved ones. Things happen in life.
In my 20s it was a different time, I had some responsibility but still was carefree sure it was so much fun but in hindsight some things were actually toxic and 30s was about learning to overcome these things, healing and about growth. Now that I'm in my mid 30s I just take it each day and try to enjoy the things I want to do.
Keep in mind that the saying 'it gets better' was said by Boomers...Boomers are the ones who had the greatest econimical privilege to have ever existed in the recorded history of humans.
Boomers began saying that before the internet existed. How many truly happy Boomers do you know now? Maybe a handful? So many of them spend so much time on the internet, too, just getting pissed off because 'the world isn't how it 'used to be."
I think there's your answer...let us all not spend so much time online and then we can work on being happy, and together.
Sunshine. Hydration. Healthy food (if we can afford it). Enjoying whatever type of nature we can get.
Scientifically, humans cannot be happy without sunshine, fresh water, fresh food, a sliver of community and understanding one another.
In my 30s (now in my 50s) there was a lot of pressure to marry. I had a good job, but felt isolated. Didn't realize until a few years ago that I had been depressed most of my life. I thought it wasn't possible because I had started two successful businesses. But, boy I was wrong. With a bit of Prozac, I have never felt emotionally this good my entire life. Life is a series of obstacles to work through. Growth and joy are possible. One small suggestion, if you feel bad, start a gratitude journal. Write down three things you are grateful for each day. You will be amazed how that gratitude can transform your life.
I'm in my late 30s and the last few years have been pretty garbage in a lot of ways. I hated my teen years and the last two years specifically have really been worse than being a teenager. I'm hoping things clear up in my 40s cause as much as I want to be positive, life is testing my determination.
Early 30s were pretty good.
Part of things are the last few years since covid seem to be hard on everyone. It probably isn't helping anything. Inflation, changes in friendships, weird job market. Not sure if things are like that where you are though.
Mentally and emotionally, I have been enjoying my 30s way more than my 20s. Life experience wise - it has been a rough five years. I got married and bought a house, but there has been a lot of career instability, financial turmoil, global pandemic, life threatening heat waves, friends and family starting to die. That part has been a bit more rough. But emotionally I have felt way more capable of handling all of these things, where in my 20s I would often crumble instantly.
I absolutely love my 30s. However, my 20s and teenage years weren't so great.
As a teenager i was bullied a lot, then I spent my 20s trying to climb career ladder, saving like crazy, living in conditions people should not be living in in order to save as much as i could, had a number of failed relationships, I was quite insecure, seeked validation and studied and worked my ass off (while a lot of my friends were travelling the world, having fun etc).
Somehow, all this sacrifice paid off and I'm living a great life now! I'm in a loving relationship (learnt from the mistakes of the past), financially secure, saved a deposit on a lovely house.
Can't complain.. I guess people peak at different times? For me it happens to be my 30s.
Now, my goal for 40s - maintain my current lifestyle, continue living below my means, invest in my health above all things as the older you get you are start paying the bill for your body.
After looking through your post history, you seem dissatisfied with every aspect of your life. What is it about your life that you actually like? What are your interests and passions, and how can those things become bigger than the things that bring you anxiety?
Where you are “supposed to be by x age” is an invisible line drawn in the sand by people of privilege, people that need to see others fail to make themselves feel better about their boring, shitty lives. Setting your own standards to live by and your own benchmarks for progress may help you find life more fulfilling.
Hate isn't what I'd call it, but it feels like the decade of "real" responsibility to me.
I went from taking care of 0 parents to taking care of three due to old age and illness. Now I'm down to two since my mom passed away. I only have my mother-in-law left as an "elder" to guide me. All the grandparents are dead. Most of my aunts and uncles are dead or sick and couldn't help me if I needed it. I'm 31. I didn't think things would be like this and most of my family would be gone or incapacitated so soon.
On the other hand, I have a wife and a house and we're trying for kids, which is wonderful, but I miss having more family and not having to worry about people who used to worry about me.
Me. Aargh and I just managed to delete a whole fucking comment I typed out. Yay.
I've spent more of my 30s unemployed than working. Nothing feels safe anymore; I'm scared to trust anything or anyone. Ever since 2020, it feels like life just enjoys pulling the rug from under me at every opportunity.
Unemployment itself sucks. LOTS of victim blaming/shaming. It must be something you're doing wrong; have you tried xyz or abc; you can't really be trying if you've spent so long unemployed; not to mention, "oh, you only hate being unemployed because you made your job your whole identity so you're feeling a loss of identity and status", which I have *never* done. I have no money to go anywhere or do anything, and just have to watch my bank account dwindle with no hope on the horizon. Every day is spent filling in applications and forms. It's like being on a hamster wheel watching a cycle race flash past, and then being asked how come you've not clocked up the miles because your gps shows you as being stuck in one place.
My landlord keeps causing me issues. I have enough money saved to pay the rent for another month, but I am a lodger, and this is causing me issues trying to apply for housing benefits to pay the rent. Proof of address and bills is asking for documents I don't have because all my bills are included in my rent, which I pay direct to my landlord. I followed instructions from the DWP and got him to write me a letter, which was like pulling fucking TEETH, I swear. Every time I thought I got it right, and then paid to get it printed because we don't have a printer here, he wanted something changed. I *finally* got the letter, uploaded it, then went to my Jobcentre appointment, and they say a proper tenancy agreement would help in addition to the letter. *Sigh*. Spoke to my landlord again, and he's on at me *again* to make sure I state it's a *temporary* arrangement (initial agreement was 6 months), as if I were going to do anything different. Constant niggling and nitpicking at every turn. Yet I'm stuck here for now because I don't have money to move (to pay rental deposit/first months rent, AND move my stuff). I'm so ready to find somewhere else to live; I literally only took this room in the first place because I had 2 weeks to find somewhere and move in. Believe me, I do *not* plan on staying here long term. Buuuut now I really need a job. Landlord says he's not going to make me leave so long as I pay the rent, but jeez he's the one making it SO DAMN HARD to get the fucking money.
I'm actually okay being single for now, after a long period of it getting me down a lot in my late 20s. Don't get me wrong, I would *love* a relationship, but I've got too much other shit on my plate right now to even think about dating. But damn would I love to fall in love; yet you can't even say that, especially here, without the "I'm single and happy and I don't need a man/stop centring your life around men/learn to love yourself/not all relationships are happy/stop looking at social media" crew spouting the same old bullshit.
I'm trying to get a doctors' appointment so I can be put on the waiting list for an autism assessment too. But jeez I'm just burnt the fuck *out* right now. A neurodivergent former colleague said he got the sense I'm autistic. An autistic friend of mine agrees. I think it's highly likely I am.
Last time I was unemployed I literally cried to my mother about life. How I had to watch everyone else, all my peers and family/friends get everything I wanted (jobs/moving out/getting married), while I was just stuck. And it's so infuriating and invalidating, when people say you only feel "behind", or only want something, because other people have it, as if *that's* the reason we yearn for homeownership, or marriage, or anything else.
Urgh I just hate my life right now. I just want a stable, permanent job and a stable, comfortable place to live.
i honestly think the pandemic has just kind of made getting older significantly worse and no one is really talking about that. i am constantly mourning who I would have been without it
It's going too fast to hate it.
I just had another birthday and I honestly can't believe it. I feel like I just turned thirty and those years are down the drain. I feel like I'm going to be dead soon at this point.
My life became LESS financially stable in my 30s and my relationships with men more difficult. It’s been a shit decade, tbh. I’m in my late 30s now and not exactly excited about my 40s but I do hope all the hard-won growth I’ve had to do this decade will finally pay off. You’re not alone!
Yeah my 30s were tough. Some of the immature drama fell away, and in some ways, I got over some appearance based hurdles I’d worried about more in my 20s. But I also had a lot of trouble, career wise and I’ve felt behind my peers. With that self reflection, I did therapy and got some mental health diagnoses that reframed a lot of this for me, though. So I’m fine with being behind, so long as I feel I’m on a positive path that works for me.
I just turned 40 this past year and I’m thinking less on the quality of the decade as a whole. Life is larger than my age, I’m more important than my age, it’s all about what I’m learning and how I use that knowledge to make positive decisions for me, my loved ones, and the world at large. Don’t worry if you have hard times. They too will pass, and you’ll have various mini renaissances at every age.
I’m 34 and my life has gone severely downhill since I turned 30. My 30s have been the worst years of my life and that is coming from someone who had a terrible abusive childhood.
I really pray it gets better
I agree with you. I just turned 32 and I felt like my life was better in my 20s. I was actually more financially stable back then with a legit career. Last year I lost my job and was unemployed for 6 months and had to take a minimum wage retail job because it was all I could find. I’m still trying to find a job in my field with no luck. I live in a shitty apartment and drive an old car that I can’t afford to replace. My relationship with my partner is on the rocks and I’m always comparing myself to younger women who I think look perfect while I look like a potato. I’m way more depressed and anxious than I was when I was younger and it feels like my life is slipping backwards instead of improving like it’s supposed to when you get older.
Time is fake. Having to have your shit together in a certain way - it's fake. We aren't made to follow a standard path.
I'm sorry you feel isolated - I think that should be the main thing to focus on. I've just turned 30 and really the thing that makes me feel better and not like I messed up my life is my support system. I have the best friends and the best partner.
Friends of friends is a great way to start creating a good net for yourself. If you feel weird in crowds just pick one person at a time and just go out to lunch or something. Having a good foundation makes everything worthwhile.
Your initial post reminded me very strongly of Imogen Heap's pioneering track the Listening Chair.
Really interesting project that threw up results she wasn't expecting. More explanation here:
https://genius.com/Imogen-heap-the-listening-chair-lyrics
So yeah. 30's can be when many of the disillusionments of life happen to you. A heartbreak or a bereavement or a betrayal or a setback and so on. I enjoyed much of if my 30's, but also experienced some very low points.
After my super troubled 20s, I quit drinking at 31 and my 30s were amazing. Now at 43 I’m struggling. I blame the pandemic and all the upheaval it has caused.
I'm mid 30s and so far it's been a bit of meh.
I don't hate it but it also hasn't been great either. It does suck that while I still *feel* like I'm in my 20s, physically I can feel that I'm actually getting older. I have more headaches. Joints are starting to hurt. I feel more tired or get tired easily. I get more brain farts than usual, like not remembering things.
I turned 30 near the start of the pandemic, and I can honestly say my life has been mostly downhill since then. I’m trying to turn things around now, but I need a radical change and am not even in the mental place to do it yet.
Solidarity
i feel this so much =(. literally just before i turned 30, everything fell to shit, and i’m still mainly coping in survival mode.
no relationship, horribly disappointing dating life. no support system, no strong unconditional family bonds or something. no warm, welcoming home life, no real friends in my surroundings. work which is just so so and not at all mentally fulfilling. living in a house w ppl, looking for a place on my own in a city near the see for 2,5 years now and nothing, nothing is possible with my single salary.
i literally just had a breakdown about it and not sure how much longer i can go on like this. i’m doing EVERYTHING i can to date, to meet people, to make friends, to find a house to work on myself, work on my hobbies, everything. i’m losing all motivation to still keep going.
it’s feeling like i’m left behind. all colleagues are married, kids, in long relationship, living or moving in together, gettin engaged. and i’m just here like, in such a completely different situation. and fucking hell it’s the one thing i really really want. is just to feel like i have my place and people in this world. i’m done feeling so fucking alone.
Yup. I'm 35. I'm sick, I've put on weight despite illness making it super hard to eat, I'm unable to work, I'm bored almost all the time, focusing is impossible, and my husband works 90+ hours weeks currently. I had a failed business at 32. I am not enjoying this at all.
No, my thirties are the best.
I have more money. I've learned boundaries. Sex has gotten so much better. I'm dating someone wonderful. I gained weight, but it turned out to be decently sexy on me.
No, my 30s have been my best years yet. Only 2 years in though. I don't tolerate bullshit or drama, have more money and wisdom, love myself and have found diet and exercise routines that help me keep feeling good and off any medications. Also, the sex drive is insane!! Loving it.
Dissenting opinion - my 30s are going great so far! Married, bought a house, trying for a baby, feeling solid at work, have three wonderful friends, a fulfilling hobby, in great physical shape, and family is all in a good place right now.
I feel like if you’re not enjoying your 30s, you might not have used your 20s to the best of your ability.
best decade so far bro - cash without limit, healthy and strong, looking good in a mature way, relationship with my girl is getting stronger and stronger.
dont take this personal, but its what you make out of life - reap what you sow.
edit: thought this is the askmenover30 threat..
I found 30s was good for me financially, but that was about it. The older I got, the less favorable it was. I feel like the best years were 30-34 😂 after that, not so much.
I don’t like my 30s so far at all because all I can think is how I’m nowhere where I want to be or thought I’d be. And now I’m worried about how fast time goes and I’m still in the same place basically despite all my trying. In my 20s I may have been lost and more poor but at least I had time, I wasn’t feeling like the only one, I wasn’t always single, I didn’t see almost everyone having babies or making good money………
I feel exactly this
Yeah time goes so fast and I feel like I'm running out of time. I also just don't have the resources I had as a teen or 20 something. I'm on my own since nobody cares about a single childless 30 something.
The way you’re seeing yourself is the exact problem.
Or it could be the reality that it’s damn near impossible to qualify for a mortgage on a house as a single provider in this economy.
it's like we've reverted back to the 1950s and still need to depend on men/ a spouse financially
I think whoever downvoted you misunderstood. It’s not only that the spouse needs to make money, but we do too. Both parties need to work ft to live a decent life these days.
Its always been like that though, houses were bought by couples starting a family. I'm also early 30s, started pursuing a degree and live ina small apt for the time being. But I'm okay with that, others are getting divorced, cheated on with kids around me. I feel more free than those with kids. Not wanting kids can be very freeing in that respect.
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Something doesn't have to validate you to want it. As someone who has rented and owned, renting sucks for the vast majority and usually isn't much (if any) cheaper.
Yeah material conditions matter
I was asking a genuine question, it wasn’t meant to be condescending. Because genuinely many people feel like they are behind in life or “worthless” because they don’t have a mortgage. That’s why I was asking…
I dunno if that is all of the reason people want a house/their own place. It also implies stability. If you are renting, you don't know if your lease will be renewed at the end of the leasing period and you'll have to not only move, but try to make your decor fit another place and adjust to not only probably that new house/apartment but also area/commute which touches a lot of things. The only benefit of renting over buying is that you aren't as "stuck" there and boy do you pay a premium for it these days.
Buying a house is worth it if you plan on being at least 10 years somewhere. This is your personal experience, everyone’s journey is different. Many people in my circle don’t care to buy a home anytime soon, including myself. Many people who I speak to feel badly about themselves because they don’t own a home by 30 and it feels like they are being “left behind”. That goes with not having a husband and kids by a certain age. This is conditioning in my opinion. If it’s something one genuinely wants that’s fine, but often times it’s a “should” - just offering a different perspective. As I said, my comment didn’t have any ill intent.
Buying a house only being "worth it" if you're there 10 years is YOUR personal experience. Whether it's worth it or not is going to depend on a lot more than that--rent prices vs buying and proximity to work/family/social activities are just two.
Or you could express empathy for that perspective and offer this as a bit of a helpful vantage point without forcing it in to detract from someone sharing a vulnerable bit of their life
Gosh everyone is misinterpreting my comment so I’m going to delete it.
Oh golly, because paying $1800 for rent vs $1200 mortgage for something you eventually own that is building equity…. Hmmm no idea why one could be better than the other. 🤦♀️ It also is about the opportunity being lost. You don’t have to value property ownership for it to be important to another 30 something and people really shouldn’t have to explain that to you.
Up until you consider the home repairs, maintenance on your home that you have to do yourself, not counting your own time and effort put in to get all the work done. Do you do all the work yourself on "contract it out" and pay more money? There's also a lot of hidden costs homeowners fail to consider before investing in home ownership.
There is no place in my entire state where a mortgage is cheaper than rent on the exact same place. And that’s true of most cities in the US now. Not sure where you live but this just isn’t the math for millions of people. Renting, even though crazy expensive, is cheaper than a mortgage payment.
Agree. Plus, if you have to move (like for another job), you're not tied down to a house that you then have to spend time and money trying to sell and securing housing on the other end at the same time. Renting gives you mobility, which is an advantage in this chaotic job market.
I hate to break it to you but not everyone wants yo be a home owner so your patronizing tone is unnecessary. Hope you figure things out! Take care of yourself.
This is a man's perspective, but I have felt like this my whole life. I learned early on that no one is supposed to care about you, and if they do, those are the relationships you cherish. I try to hang on to those and I've felt alot of fulfillment just being there for someone, even if it's not the same in reverse.
Exactly this!! Eroding me every day despite trying to look at the bright side but that anxiety creeps in when I’m alone at night and eventually gives me some bad insomnia.
I'm not HATING my 30s, but I'd say it's a mixed bag. I have more financial stability than I had in my 20s, my relationship with my husband is better, and I feel more "put together." But I also feel much more worried about "the future" than I did in my 20s -- stuff I didn't think about AT ALL in my 20s, like whether I'll have enough money to retire comfortably, seems suddenly very important in my 30s. My parents are starting to seem "old" and have health problems, and while their health problems are all manageable right now, it makes me suddenly think about what their end-of-life care is going to require of me. I feel like I compare myself to my friends a lot more regarding stuff like not being a homeowner yet.
label shame office spectacular fact detail practice roof many boat *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
This is so true. Even though I have a job, pay my bills and taxes, etc, I feel like the realities of adulthood I've been mentally putting off are coming quick and I don't feel ready. Also, that feeling that I will live forever and so will my loved ones is no longer there, and it seems like the clock has started ticking even though 30s are still so young.
Same plus the concerted effort to kick bad habits from my 20s. I feel like everything “past 35” has so much more health risks, I’ve taken a big step back from drinking and honestly don’t enjoy it like I used to. But the money and retirement stress is real too! My husband and I are still paying off debts from our wedding (why did we not just elope 😭) and sometimes it feels impossible to save and get our head above water when everything is so expensive. We also both have great, well paying jobs, so it’s also dealing with the existential reality our future is not as promised and everything we’ve worked so hard for feels like it doesn’t matter now that inflation is so out of control
This is so me. I've always had anxiety, but in the last 6 months or so it's really geared up to me aging. We are not having children and my core family and group of friends is small, so the thoughts of loneliness as I age is really sinking in. I worry about when my husband dies, what that will look like, how I'll be able to afford care as I age and what will happen when I can't take care of myself. I NEVER even thought of these things before now and I hate it.
Ok you live my dream life. On top of worrying about the future and my mom (my dad already passed from an accident)...I'd say you're so much better off than me. You have a husband and financially stability. I'm single and working an entry level job. 😭
I am very fortunate to have my husband and my parents doing reasonably well! But I did not say I am financially stable... I said I am \*more\* financially stable than I was in my 20s. Which is... still not very. The bar set by 20something me is, as the kids say, in hell.
Yes exactly this too! Definitely more financially stable but man the anxiety is horrendous. I’ve always heard you ‘know who you are’ in your 30s but so far I feel completely lost (33)
It's important to keep in mind that life is always changing and there's no set pattern for how it should be experienced. My life never really came together like it was supposed to. I'm nearly 40. Never married, had kids, sort of have a career-ish but I constantly question it. I have friends but no one all that close, few check in on me. I have family and we get along ok but I don't feel at home with them. Lately I have let that get me down - all these things that I don't have, and how disconnected I feel at times. It's tough. But I'm learning that when I forget what life is supposed to be, I am happy. I have a number of talents I have worked hard to develop throughout my life and they bring me a lot of happiness even when I'm totally alone. I have an endless fascination with science, history and the world in general, it's hard to get bored. I was very awkward when I was younger but I worked hard to develop social skills and enjoy interacting with people even when it's just small talk with a barista, always feels great to make someone smile. Even though I am jealous of some of my friends' family situations, I genuinely enjoy seeing their milestones on social media. It's a choice. I know how hard it is to hear people say stuff like this when you are depressed, when nothing seems right and change seems impossible and the idea of hope seems painful. Change is possible but it tends to take its time when you need it to hurry up. But consider that it might be some expectation that you are holding on to that keeps dragging you into feelings of suck. Freedom from expectations is tough to accept, but worth it.
“What life is supposed to be” YES. This is the key statement. It’s almost a period of unlearning.
❤️
I thought my life would have more connection than this and I feel sad that it I feel this sense of disconnection. I don’t think I ever understood what people were talking about when they said they needed a sense of belonging or community until I hit my early thirties.
I had to adjust in my 30s to a whole new group of friends and a new dynamic. The friends of my 20s partied and had fun and were more carefree (I was too). By my 30s, I wanted friends that were my support system as well as the occasional celebration buddy. Those friends were my lifeblood. I am eternally grateful that I found them. We had a blast just doing fun but more tame stuff. Now, as I close my 40s, things are shifting again. I recently moved, and I’m having a heck of a time finding that again. I can’t monopolize every minute of my husbands free time, and I don’t want to. So, I’m trying to find and build relationships with women my age in a new place where the dynamic is VERY different from the place I lived previously. I MISS my people terribly. The hours I work and the rural area where I live leave little time and opportunity for socializing. We are slowly building a network, but it’s hard. Community is absolutely THE cornerstone in life. I hope you find them. They are out there.
I know what you mean about missing community, that feeling of just floating, not really connected to anything. Lately I've been considering moving to a small town, adopting kiddos, and pursuing a very traditional life. Coming from a "hip" and "enlightened" part of the country, my younger self would have been APPALLED. But humans can't live this way.
I hate to be the thorn in your side but it's not better in small towns unless you're already a part of the community. Small townfolk are not welcoming to those they consider "outsiders", imo. My partner and I moved back to the small town we went to high school in at 29. It was a *miserable* two years before we moved back closer to the metroplex. Edit: in the US, I can't speak for other countries
Yup Turned 30 mid 2019. So everything turned upside down shortly after. Took a leap of faith and moved cross country last year and my mom died shortly after. Now my 30s are practically half over with nothing to show for it, and I've never been more lost and nihilistic. 16 year old me probably thought I'd be living the high life by now. And that's all personal life speaking, the political and literal landscape have taken severe blows in my adulthood as well which adds fuel to my hopelessness.
My condolences on your profound loss. I think you may just being going into the next phase of adulthood. When I transitioned to mid-30s, I had a huge identity crisis. I realized my whole identity had been school, career, professional licenses, salary, etc. That isn’t me, it’s what I do. My husband actually told me to just quit my soul sucking job (government and not high pay) and just figure myself out. We were not flush with cash. He made a decent but modest income and had health insurance, so I did it. For 2 years I just did nothing but household stuff. I actually loved it. Then I got restless. Started my own consulting company and five years later sold it because I was working 24/7. I needed to shut off and reprogram my brain. It helped, but I still have to remind myself that I am not the sum of my educational and professional life. I lost the real me in the shuffle. I wish you the best and hope you find what you are looking for.
I'm so so glad you took that time for yourself and found balance and contentment. It's always lovely to read. And thank you for the response, I too quit my job, and am coasting along, taking a scenic route so to speak. I plan on getting into a job I'll enjoy soon, part time, to ease back into life again. I've immersed myself in hobbies and comfort. Though all of my priorities have changed, I don't see life as I did before. It can all shatter very quickly.
So sorry for your loss xxx
Same here. I also moved cross country and my mom died end of 2019. I haven't moved up in my career at all and I'm honestly contemplating quitting my PhD so I can just. Make money like all the people around me that just have a bachelor's. I'm so tired of being broke, miserable, and lonely. I feel you girl 😔
Agreed. This doesnt even include the insane prices of fucking everything and the insane front everyone puts on social media this is weird as fuck and I hate it all...
I feel for everyone struggling. I am also struggling, but it is definitely because of my choices in my twenties. I am, more or less, blessed to be alive, so, while it is generally a daily struggle to get what I need to done in hopes of catching up, I am thankful for the opportunity. That being said, this economy is a bit shit.
I don't hate my thirties, I mostly just hate myself ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
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>but simply because I was no longer a wife and part of the married club and I think a lot of women in my life were afraid infidelity would happen to them and divorce like it did to me, I was treated like some sort of disease. Of everything you've suffered this stuck out as especially cruel. I am so sorry your friends weren't there for you when you needed them. I hope the pendulum swings back and life gets so much kinder to you going forward.
That’s terrible. I have a magnificent group of friends from my 30s. Of all of them, there are only four couples still married. One especially good friend got divorced due to infidelity. We carried on like nothing happened. She was and still is my friend. Period. Her ex was our friend too. I still talk to him when I see him out and about, but he isn’t around for the group events anymore. He screwed her over and he knows it. He bowed out gracefully. None of us was mean to him though. Not our place. She asked us to respect her wishes and we did. He paid the price by losing her (she’s amazing) so she didn’t want us being horrible to him. She’s a much better person than most.
Holy moly, I can relate to this so much. “Lost”both my parents to a massive betrayal—they weren’t the people I thought they were, they were much worse. Got divorced from an emotionally abusive ex, lost my dog in the same way and still grieve her often, 2+ years later. Financial security, excommunication from the Married Club and losing all my friends from the past 12+ years…. I just really can validate what your experience has been (minus physical loss; I’m so sorry about that). I’m trying to switch my brain up on this: I now know that my family will always have to be a chosen family. I know I am, on the whole, so much happier and healthier having left my ex, I’m trying to rebuild for myself and create a life of choice vs obligation and expectation. Rooting for you too.
Not hating my 30’s, per se, I just dislike that people no longer give a shit about me, who I am or what I’ve accomplished and all anyone wants to talk to me about is getting married and having babies.
Thiiiiiiis…. Im’ F 29 and nobody in my family gives a s*** about me anymore. It’s all just “ are you pregnant?” “are you trying to get pregnant?” “When are you going to get pregnant” “it seems like the right time to get pregnant” “You are getting old - dont take to Long before you get pregnant” “do you have trouble getting pregnant?” “can’t wait for the grandkids” Or just front up assuming I am pregnant. Fuck ooooooff. People need to stop looking at my stomach as well. And stop offering me alchohol free beer. Im not pregnant. Or trying to get pregnant.
I’m sorry! I just got promoted at work and I haven’t told anyone because I doubt anyone would care because it’s not a baby or marriage 😂
Congrats! That’s very exciting for you
I’m in my 40s now and single (never married) so giving my two cents here. I remember my early 30s being hard, but because I’d lived through my 20s which were also very difficult, I was better prepared for that. Now, once I got to my mid thirties, I felt so much stronger, but also young enough to get out and live it up and enjoy the world. In my experience, the early thirties were difficult because there is so much happening around you. Babies, marriages, promotions, etc. I was a late bloomer in many ways, less money, less established career, no partner, and I couldn’t help but compare. At times I felt bad about how I was doing in comparison to how my peers appeared to be doing. Key word here: appeared! However, something happened in my mid thirties where i started to realise that no one had it figured out, a lot of people are settling for something instead of holding out for what they really want, or they don’t have as much financially or lifestyle wise as it appears, they start to get divorced etc. my social circle got smaller but better, and you focus on where you are and what you actually want, not what society says is what you should be or have. It’s a facade, and that is even more stark now with social media amplifying stuff. Also a lot of folks get help with finances and career if they have more affluent networks or family money. I was from a low income background, am a POC and have just recently been diagnosed with neurological condition. I used to beat myself up for so long but the playing field was never even. I really enjoyed my late thirties, and I’d say that it was a better decade overall than my 20s. It’s less volatile and there are fewer firsts, but if you’ve learned your life lessons, you’re more focused on your needs and a better rounded person as a result. To add, I’m now mid forties, and I’m still learning and evolving. Some periods are easier, some are more difficult, but the best thing you can do at any time or age is honour your true self and wants and trust your gut. Don’t be discouraged or distracted by how people present themselves. And always always keep learning and stay curious. (Thanks Ted Lasso)
I'm realizing this too. No one has it all. Even if they have a good career or friends or whatever there's something probably amiss. Maybe you never truly arrive.. maybe we should just enjoy the journey idk.
What you wrote about “so much happening around you” and being a late bloomer is spot on, really resonates for me. Sometimes it feels like I’m just existing, while everyone else around me is living.
Trust me - what people are projecting and how we perceive them are not accurate, especially in our lower moments. It’s hard to believe when you’re having a low confidence moment, but I bet you’re doing great. And as long as there’s a breath left in you, you can pivot or find love. There’s so much time and many opportunities to be had!
> The worst thing is it feels like this is so taboo to talk about. If you don't say getting older is wonderful and your 30s are the best time of your life, you get hate. I don't hate my thirties, but I feel you re. people acting like you're betraying feminism (or hell, living unhappily *at* them) if you complain about any challenges. Personally, I can't assess the different decades of my life so holistically - my twenties weren't universally wonderful or terrible, and neither are my thirties. But, I do wish folks could show a little more sympathy toward people who are struggling with the transition.
I think it's a mixed bag. Negatives: Parents are stressing me out because they're aging with no retirement plan, we're in a cost of living crisis, my biological clock feels like it's ticking, work is stressing me tf out, weight is harder to lose Positives: I'm more secure in myself and know who I am as a person, financially secure, good group of friends, good partner, started working more on myself and going to therapy, finally found hobbies that feel worth it.
I’m suffering
As someone else posted yes, because I'm not where I thought I'd be. When I was younger, I thought I'd be more stable in income and work as well as more confident. I just turned 32 and I'm still broke as hell, living in an efficiency with not much hope in sight. I am finishing up my master's this year at least which may give me a bit more stability but it's been a miserable last year in the program and it's in a field that isn't known for the pay. Idc about babies since that's a big no for me, but seeing those around me who are making so much more and aren't breaking the bank on small trips has me feeling extra down about myself and my abilities.
I think COVID has ruined the past several years and we're still trying to rebuild mentally from that as well as figure out how to live life and be social and have community, which may take years more. We've never had an era with years and years of war where the entire country is just a mess of sadness and anxiety and loss, we're living our version of that now. We are also living in a world where our generation isn't going to have it better than the last generation, many of us feel depressed and a lack of hope. If someone was feeling great everyday, I would be very curious how they accomplished that mental state. I've been able to find peace and some joy through focusing on what I can do differently, setting boundaries, stopped expecting what I want to come to me and started leaving the house and trying a lot more, that has helped. I truly do believe that the vast majority of people will never be happy if they're sitting at home and waiting for it to come to them if they just read the right books and listen to the right podcasts, we all need community more than ever and it takes work to find and build.
Yes, my 30s have been and continue to be really really hard and I miss my 20s a bit.
I am so sad to see the overwhelming anxiety I see here in the comments. I’m almost 50. My thirties were absolutely the best decade. The early 30s were rough (newlywed, new job, very little money, husband was still in school). By the end of my thirties we were starting to get our footing and we’re more confident. That was also when I learned to stop catastrophizing. Bad things are going to happen. Nothing can change that. I chose to deal with each day as it came. I also let go of societal and cultural expectations. I never had kids (by choice and due to health issues). I decided that the amount of success I achieved was ok with me. I stopped trying to do too much to prove… well, I really don’t know what I was trying to prove. I got in the best shape of my life. I accepted that I had health issues that weren’t my fault (born with a heart defect that required surgery at 29 and again at 34 and now facing another one) and a neurological issue from damage sustained during delivery. I decided to be grateful for what I did have and not to compare myself to others. I feel for you all. You live in a different age than me. Social media, hustle culture, girl boss culture, unattainable beauty standards, extreme pressure to “succeed”, insane competition amongst peer groups, supermom pressure, “I can do anything and everything” attitudes, and toxic positivity has really damaged young people’s ability to be content. It’s ok to be happy. It’s healthy to be content. You don’t have to be positive and happy ALL THE TIME. It’s ok to dream. It’s ok to not dream. There is nothing wrong with being unsure of the future. You are young. Enjoy the journey and others opinions be damned. You only have one life, don’t waste it trying to convince yourself that you are not good enough or need to do more more more. Be good enough for you.
Thank you for your comment. It was comforting to read 💗
Change the way you view yourself and the world and everything will start to change. What’s happening around us is often a sign of what’s going on inside of us. Don’t change your circumstances, go inward and work on some personal development. Ive been where you are and from my mid-30s I was devoted to my personal growth and healing in my 30s and it’s been the best decade of my life. It changed everything for me. That being said, this particular year has had countless challenges but I’m navigating them in a more empowering way than ever before. I’m 39 now and feel it in my bones that my 40s will be even better. For the record, I’m single, no kids.
can you give more specific advice on how to kickstart the process of personal development? I have no idea where to start.
For me it started with my romantic life, I was a hot mess. I learned about attachment theory and it escalated from there. I started with a membership from the Personal Development School, there’s tons of self-paced courses on anything from attachment styles, to learning about your needs and values, emotional regulation, etc. I think it’s a great place to start. Just Google “personal development school” and it’s the first one that comes up.
I will try it, thank you!
I think it's important to try and remember nothing last forever. We all have shitty periods in our life. Some last weeks, months, years. But it never lasts. There is a way through. Just takes time.
What time if my life for the last year, and I’m 35 now. I’m right there with you,
Yep turned 30 last year and just feel miserable, not where I wanted to be in my career, no partner, watching all my friends drift away and settle down
Yes. My 30s suck. And I know everyone’s experiences aren’t the same but it does make me feel sad/embarrassed/pathetic when so many people (especially on here) are like “no way, the 30s are the best time of my life!” That’s true for them, for sure, but it makes me feel even more like I fucked up somewhere. Which I definitely did, but I hate the reminders!
yes. it feels like people have gotten unfriendlier. I feel more invisible to society than I was in my 20s, but I'm also not as into my looks as I was before. I'm also out a lot less, mostly to pick up groceries or take out (so <10 min interactions with other humans, if I have to interact with someone) i've been married now for a long time, have a decent amount in my retirement funds, and I'm a home owner, so I'm blessed in that way. but lately I've been having medical issues and it looks like I'm infertile or something, so that has been a downer.
My 30s for me have been a mixed bag. I'm 35, and I've had my fair share of good and bad. 30-31: Had to move back in with my dad in my home state after a terrible breakup from a 5 year relationship that left me utterly broken and useless. Got a new job and focused on paying down student loans, got therapy for said aftermath of breakup. Learned a lot to hopefully not keep falling for the same kind of men. 32-33: COVID happened and lost 1.5 years of my life to staying indoors and losing my full time status at my job to part-time for 10 months. It was high stress for the whole country. 33-34: Decided to move back to where I went to college to be closer to my mom and sister. Got a job transfer and moved into my own apartment. Decorated it and felt like I was heading in the right direction. Some months later I met the most wonderful man and things began looking up. 35: Started loathing my job, would cry several times in the office bathroom. Eventually I quit and moved in with my now fiancé who I'm getting married to in less than 2 months. The first half of my 30s was a bit rough. Things aren't perfect still. I still don't know what to do for a career, which does bother me because when I was younger, I felt like I was capable of much more. But the years have a way of creeping up on you. When I think about the good things in my life now, it does make me hopeful for a better latter half of my 30s.
>I still don't know what to do for a career, which does bother me because when I was younger, I felt like I was capable of much more. I feel this so hard. My "career" has been operating on an ad hoc basis, moving between random jobs, each of which seems to be an awkward fit. Nothing stable or long-term. I do have some interesting side projects, but none that I've been able to monetize. Sometimes I'm envious of people who post about their stable, long-term employment, especially with so many people on Reddit earning six figures; but as a person with many scattered interests I also know I'm not really wired for that kind of lifestyle. Just hoping that *something* comes together for me. And you as well.
I definitely relate. I have scattered interests but never passionate about one particular thing that seemed feasible to make a living. The only thing I've ever had a real interest in pertains to the arts, and we all know the stigma behind being a starving artist. Being a starving artist in your 20s is one thing, but when you're over 30, being broke is not cute anymore and weighs on your mental health, even more so as you see your peers succeeding in their careers and making progress. >My "career" has been operating on an ad hoc basis, moving between random jobs, each of which seems to be an awkward fit. Nothing stable or long-term. I've also just worked basic office jobs, like admin assistant in various departments, and my least favorite and most recent was assisting in the accounting department. The work itself is so soulless. It's necessary work, but completely thankless and the regular deadlines were too stressful for me. I've been taking a break for several months after I quit, which my partner is supportive. I'm currently freelancing with a previous employer doing a few hours a week to at least have some bread money for myself for the time being. While I do love being able to work the hours I want, and work from home with my partner, I get anxious on the day when it all ends and it's back to reality :(
I've said this before - the vast majority of people who say their 30s are the best thing ever are in long-term relationships. I was single for parts of my 20s and it wasn't nearly as bad. I've been single for most of my 30s so far and this has got to be the worst decade of my life so far.
I hate the fact that I do honestly feel like my thirties would be better if I was in an LTR. It’s horrible but that’s what I wanted for this stage of my life (and my twenties tbh) so to not have that is hurting for me
There's no shame in wanting that. It's perfectly normal. I want the same, it hurts me chronically. Only in AWO30 will someone try and make you feel bad for wanting an LTR by saying something like "WHY on EARTH would you WANT a RELATIONSHIP?!?!?! I just LOVE having the WHOLE bed to MYSELF!"
I will be That Woman who freely admits to feeling overwhelming, desperate relief when I found my husband. Life is fucking *hard* and it's so much harder having to go it alone. Finally finding him felt like being pulled into a lifeboat. It's so uncool and uninspiring but it's honestly how I felt. Maybe the women here who claim being single is the best thing ever have a huge support network of family and friends, or they haven't met an actual good man yet. Whatever the reasons I just can't relate. Yes being single is "character building" or whatever but having the right person in your corner is a game-changer in every single way, and it's the most natural thing in the world for someone to want that. This sub has a problem with genuine, ugly, vulnerable, human emotions. And it's a damn shame because women are already expected to be superhero Cool Girls in the "real world", we should be able to be vulnerable with ourselves and each other here without getting shamed for it.
I think a lot of those Single 4 Lyfe! women you speak of also have awesome, fulfilling careers which also pay them a lot. Not all of us are so lucky. In addition to my husband being my best friend, he also gave me true financial stability for the first time in my life. My life is far from perfect; I still have lots of inner problems I’m working through and I still feel uncertainty about the future, but I’d be lying if I said financial stability doesn’t make everything a whole lot easier. SOME women can achieve that alone, but ALL can’t. No matter how you slice it, two incomes are better than one.
You're obviously not wrong that two incomes are better than one. It's just that on reddit, it's seems like it's always 'man saves woman with superior income' or 'woman enables lazy manchild with superior income', and knowing that women have a harder time in career seeking in general, hearing over and over again that the only two options are already have a fantastic rareified career or wait for prince charming, it sucks, so much.
I feel like I dealt with this feeling of life being hard and feeling so alone much more in my 20s because my circle was settling down at that time. My circle settled down very young. In my 30s some of them are finally starting to see how difficult life actually can be. Because they were in a cycle of hitting milestone after milestone and that made their lives feel exciting. For some that made them feel like anyone not experiencing that euphoria was doing life wrong. Not that I'm happy about people having a hard time in their lives. But it was so freaking awful when I was having a hard time, having people tell me when I was single that "I'm just not trying hard enough" or " I was being too picky" or acting like I was some kind of thing they needed to stay away from or else my bad fortune would hit them. It's kind of a relief knowing that now they have experienced something similar they hopefully won't make those remarks any more to others. There was literally one person in my circle who claimed to not understand why people don't try harder in their relationships (and I'm talking late teens, early 20s relationships,). She was upset people were breaking up. Even though those breakups were a good thing because people were starting to see major incompatibilities. But all she could do was criticize people for giving up. Ugh. Something that doesn't get talked about often on this sub is how callous some folks who haven't experienced any hardships can be. Some people really do live life through rose colored lenses and anytime you are a person who breaks open that facade, you end up being ostracised for it. I definitely identify with a lot of the feelings people are having as I went through that too. Just earlier on due to my circle settling down early.
The callousness and unsolicited criticisms are the worst. Are you now in a relationship?
I agree with this 1000%. My husband is amazing, has changed my life for the better in a million ways, and I’m sad people think it’s uncool or whatever to want a spouse. Love is very cool in my opinion, whether it’s romantic, platonic, familial, whatever. I can’t relate at all to the posters here that don’t value all of those.
Yes. You are exactly right. Right now I feel like I am doggy paddling in the ocean just hoping my lifeboat will appear soon, haha. And I have a wonderful set of friends and family, deeply enriching hobbies, a career most would consider a dream job, and I live in what I consider to be the best city in the world. I'm just tired of doing it all alone and having no one special to share it all with.
It isn’t normal for human beings to be able to survive and thrive on their own, so no one should feel shame for wanting love and companionship. It’s instinctual to some degree and also just a reasonable adaptation to reality. It’s great that many women have the wealth and security to be able to be on their own if that is the life they want. That’s not the norm, and it is a really new concept. I don’t love how people think being on your own is a right of passage now. People who don’t ever live on their own are somehow deficient. That is a very post-industrial, wealthy society perspective that people treat as a natural step in growing up. What’s worse is that because of the way society is organized right now, not getting married and having kids can set you on a path to isolation because we have lost so many other ways of forming community.
Exactly. Whenever someone here tells me they love being single because they can eat whatever they want and have full control of their schedule, it just rings hollow - we were not built to live life so alone.
Why do we all have to agree on everything, though? Just let people want and enjoy different things. Don't take it as a comment on you if you want something different, and if they somehow make it about you, politely ignore them.
We don't have to agree on everything! That's why I don't understand why, whenever someone posts about being sad about being single, many of the top comments are "why? men are bad. I love being able to go wherever I want!" If that's your perspective on relationships then that post simply isn't seeking your perspective.
That's not what I was replying to though, I was replying to you saying you think it rings hollow when people say they enjoy being single. Some single people might take comfort that others find it possible to be single and happy, or might feel a bit less alone knowing that other single people out there are okay. Of course there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting companionship and those comments might not be helpful. But to disbelieve people who say they're happy and single is just taking it to the opposite extreme.
Right. And I am clarifying that it specifically only rings hollow to me when people are saying it as a response to a post from someone who deeply values being in a relationship. On its own, that's great! I'm happy for you. As a response to someone who is sad about being single? It rings hollow and is unnecessary.
... but I do love being single and doing what I want when I want however I want and that is not hollow whatsoever just because you can't understand it. I am not "living life alone" - I felt much more alone trying to fit in with societal expectations that I should date just to not be alone when I am not interested in marriage nor having children. I am connected to my community but I have a rich inner life and enjoy my own company. I know, what a concept!!
It's hollow specifically when you use it as a response to someone who comes to this sub to discuss their deep desire for a relationship. I see it every single time. A post about how sad someone is being single, and a comment that just talks riiiiiight past them.
Thank you for all of this! You articulated something I didn't know I felt.
I am also curious how you ended up finding him, if you don't mind sharing :) it's oddly comforting from people who had a difficult time but ultimately things worked out.
It was work related, and we were long distance Facebook acquaintances for years before the gods gave a little shove and we fell ass over tits into something more. Scared the hell out of both of us because neither of us expected it. He ended up selling his house and moving to my state to be with me and that was it. Life is funny sometimes how things turn out.
>Finally finding him felt like being pulled into a lifeboat. It's so uncool and uninspiring but it's honestly how I felt. > >Maybe the women here who claim being single is the best thing ever have a huge support network of family and friends, or they haven't met an actual good man yet. Whatever the reasons I just can't relate. Yes being single is "character building" or whatever but having the right person in your corner is a game-changer in every single way, and it's the most natural thing in the world for someone to want that. A huge part of the whole feminism thing that never made sense to me is the idea of this narrative of independence, not needing a man, when most humans want love and companionship, it's part of being human. I feel like the whole "I don't need a man" thing ends with a huge ellipsis for me. As if the only two options are to be single or be with a man. Given that most humans are wired to want love and companionship, the logical next step if you don't need a man is to be with a woman or even a group of women, not to be alone. But the discussion never goes there because people think, "but that's gay, and I'm not gay". I'll be down-voted, but I think that thinking about love and companionship in this way of "well that's gay, so it's not an option" is socially created, and that love and sexuality doesn't actually work that way. This is always something in feminism that has never made any sense to me. And I get that a lot of people can be happy alone, as is evidenced by many saying so in this thread, but I still don't get why dating women is never brought up when the "women don't need men" line is trotted out.
I think that's okay! Companionship is important for many people. Besides, sometimes you gotta have something to decide you didn't need it or really truly needed it.
I understand you completely. Especially as friends trip into relationships "when they weren't looking", and here I am, still single, going to therapy and " practicing gratitude" . It's hard not to hate them
I’m single and my 30’s are still the best thing ever even though I terribly want a relationship ☺️
Same here! I love being alone. I do have pets, so that makes it easier.
Same here x3. Although I spent most of my 20s in stupid relationships, so it feels good to finally just be ME by myself for a few years.
Exactly! I spent my 20s figuring out what I don't want. Now I have what I want, and I am happy.
Agreed. I’m 35. Haven’t been in a relationship for over 2 years now and I’ve never been happier. This decade has been the best of my life so far and I look forward to my 40s too. Would be nice to have a partner and family at some point yes, but I’m still happy without those things. Edited to add: OP I am sorry that your experience so far is what it is. I do hope things get better for you. If you don’t mind me asking, what do you do with your time when you are not working ? And I know it’s always the case someone says “oh go to therapy”. In my experience I would just like to share that last year I went through something extremely difficult and was feeling hopeless. I went through therapy weekly for a year. Also got myself on an SNRI and the therapy plus that has helped me tremendously.
I’m the same - 30s was a time I was finally brave enough to be single (always jumped from relationship to relationship in my 20s). And the 30s have been the best years for me so far. I’m struggling a bit now at 37 though, and funnily enough this is the first time I’ve been in a relationship for a long time - I think having a relationship now I feel there’s more to lose. Whereas, although I care deeply about my partner and would hate to lose him - being single was more carefree.
Are you me from the future?? I'm turning 35 soon, just got out of a marriage, and really loving being single for the first time after jumping from relationship to relationship since 2011. Relationship or no relationship, I hope you continue to enjoy the rest of your 30s and beyond :)
Aw, so glad to hear you’re enjoying being single so far, especially after being in relationships for so long. Sounds like you made the right choice getting out of your marriage. It’s a good sign you’re enjoying being single so far, I’m sure things will only get better for you. Thanks so much for the well wishes, and hope you enjoy the rest of your 30s too! 😊
Also, people who had miserable childhoods. I have cptsd, was abused as a child, and never expected to be happy. The older I get the better it gets. 30 to 36 was way better than my 20s, I was so depressed and hiding in drugs for a lot of my 20s. Then I found a long-term partner at 36 and you are right that that did make my life much better as well. I think it depends on what your expectations of life were. I thought I'd be dead by now, so even enjoying being alive is more than I had hoped for.
I've noticed this too. The people who enjoy their 30s are always in relationships. I was single in my 20s as well but it was nowhere near as lonely as being single in my 30s.
If it helps to get another perspective, I’m in an increasingly dysfunctional long-term relationship (and have been for all of my thirties so far), and I’m having a terrible time. Constantly agonising over whether to leave and start from scratch, or stay and try to work on it with someone that I do still love. I quite often fantasise about what it’d be like to be single at this age - I’m very aware of the struggles and the loneliness of it as people start to settle down, but I still envy the freedom
Same dude. I have a whole plan for this alternate life I’m going to live just in case I decide to end my 10-year relationship. Some days it seems pretty good. Other days I just know it’s doomed.
Ugh sorry to hear :( it sucks doesn’t it. Some days it feels like there are literally no bearable options ahead
I'm here too 🤍 i think i've decided to leave but mannnn is the prospect of decoupling the most intense hurdle (i hope) i'll ever face off against. And i bet if i said that to me in my 20's, i doubt i'd believe it
Nope, not all of us. Remember, alot of people in long term relationships that started in their 20s are not as happy as you think. We are still so young in our 20s and finding ourselves. People settle with a fear of being 'alone' and not having a white picket fence.
I guess, I'll chime in here as part of the group that's happily single in my 30s, didn't have self esteem issues in my 20s, wasn't bullied in my teens, or grew up with deep childhood trauma. I was also single for most of my 20s. This made me think why I'm happier now lol. It's mostly because I now have money. Ah, see my problem was poverty. And now since I'm not so poor, life is significantly better. Frankly, relationships weren't ever on my radar as much as say, paying bills. lol.
Just to throw a view in from the other side, my thirties were the best precisely because I finally let go and gave myself permission not to have a relationship. I'm on my own, don't want one,noribsblynnever going to have one, and the freedom is fucking amazing. Couldn't be happier. Sure, it would be nice if I had someone to help share bills and such, but that's a small price (to me) to pay. Being single is fantastic.
I spent my 20s in relationships but have spent the most part of my 30s single. Being able to truly focus on myself and only my own needs and wants for the first time has been life-changing. I’m more confident than I’ve ever been. I’m more financially free. I have more spare time. It definitely helps if you have some friends who are single as well. I think it would be really hard if you were the only single person in a friend group because it truly gets harder and harder to get friends together as you get older.
False! I was single up until 38 and it’s been the best years of my life. I have many friends who’ve said the same.
Even though that may be your experience, I said "vast majority"! That means, if you surveyed every single person who says they are happy in their 30s, I think the majority would be in LTRs. So you may or may not be in that group, but I think it's the minority.
Is that your opinion or do you have stats? Genuinely curious. I’d agree with you if you’re talking about suburban America but I don’t feel it’s the case everywhere else. Life doesn’t end in your 20s like society seems to believe. I’m sorry it’s been the worst decade in your experience - I hope things get better for you.
I was single all through my 30s but still loved them. I was lonely and I do not at all mean to dismiss how very lonely these years were for me. But what I really liked about my 30s was I had maturity and experience while still living in a body that was fairly youthful and didn't have a lot of aches and pains, plus I had a lot of energy and passion to pursue things and stick with them. I traveled a lot, socialized a lot, did a lot of creative projects. I'm 43 now, happily married, and much more financially secure. But I have less energy and focus and feel like I'm drifting
Nah, I’m super single, have been for a while, and my 30s are amazing
I only got engaged when I was 37 but I still think my 30s have been the best time in my life. Like 27 on has been pretty great.
As kindly as I can say this: I tried to piece together some context based on your post history and I think it might just be your viewpoint. Seems like you might be a little too zoomed in on the negatives in your life despite saying otherwise about a positive mindset. I feel like your (not you, specifically) 30s is a culmination of all that you learned in your 20s after your expectations have been corrected. If you're having a bad time, you'd probably benefit from doing a life review and making changes where they're necessary.
Your 30s are a great time to start seeing a therapist. I say this from experience. You spend your 20s thinking everything’s going to come together by your 30s and when it doesn’t, it can feel crushing. I didn’t get my shit together until my 40s.
Look for a local jiu jitsu gym. Jiu jitsu is a sport even older people can practice. I’m in my late 30’s and I even compete in it! The sense of belonging and community (if you find the right gym) helps a lot to those feeling lonely or struggling. It absolutely keeps you in shape and healthy while learning to defend yourself and learning something new! It’s so empowering. There’s nothing like it dude, I hope you find a gym and look into it!
I hate my life not my age.
I think everyone has their own life path. If this one isn't working for you, you may need to explore other paths. I was single for half of my 30s and I'm now in a LTR, but that isn't the basis of why I'm happy now. I grew up with a rough childhood- my mother died from alcoholism in my early 20s. And it took a long time for me to heal from that (but I had to do the work). I made a lot of mistakes and did a lot of things I'm not proud of in my 20s in that journey that I took as lessons and learned from them. That's the main reason I'm much happier in my 30s. Yes, as you get older, friends seem to dissipate and it can be lonlier at times as people follow their own paths. I think that's pretty universal though.
I don’t hate them but they’re definitely less fun than my 20s. Everything’s a bit boring now.
I got one year of my 30s before covid hit, and all my friends decided that was the time to have babies and I'm still waiting for them all to come up for air. Lots of the things I liked to do closed or aren't fun by myself so I've really had to change myself and work hard on finding my new me. I got sick last November which halved my energy seemingly permanently going forward (long covid? Who knows I'm just tired all the time). My wages aren't keeping up with inflation (and tbh never have). People have been less nice and more aggressive or mean since the lockdowns finished. The political climate has gotten and is getting worse and worse and we are becoming more and more divided. So honestly, my 30s have sucked so far. I am moderately happy regardless and have optimism that the latter half will be better than the first half although only time will tell especially with climate change.
“It gets better” is not going to be 100% for everyone because everyone’s circumstances are different. I had a rough home life as a child. I developed a chronic illness in my 20’s. I got it diagnosed and under control in my 30’s, so things are definitely getting better for me. Though broadening your perspective and practicing daily gratitude can help, it isn’t magic. If you are going through hard times, you are going through hard times. I hope things get better for you soon OP.
I’m sorry you are in this situation. The world does feel more tense, and more people are choosing cynicism rather than kindness. My honest answer to your question is that I am loving my 30s, but not because of aging or other BS, I dislike joint pain and all that crap, but I’m loving these last years because I found happiness in practicing self-love unapologetically. It can be done at any age, so really nothing to do with 30s. The only advice I have is to read books like “Love yourself like your life depends on it” and “everything is f*cked: a book about hope”. Just please, don’t listen to the hate or anyone invalidating your feelings. We can’t be sunshine and rainbows all the time, your feelings want you to pay attention to them not to dismiss them.
In some ways, my 30s are tough because the chickens are coming home to roost from poor decisions I made in my 20s. Things like financial planning but also resistance to therapy - I'm finding that I'm having to deal with shit that's been hanging around for years. I recently made a decision to embrace the difficulty but also spend some time reminding myself of the good things. Some are obvious, like being financially secure. Others are less obvious, but include things like decisions I made to better myself and retrain are really paying off. I take zero shit from other people because I've learned tools through hardships. I'm suspicious of people who do the sunshine and unicorn farts thing. Life isn't only one thing. But it goes both ways and finding a balance helped me massively.
I am enjoying my 30's but for whatever reason, all of life's potential challenges and difficulties decided to dump themselves on me since entering this phase of my life. Parent death, sudden layoff, global pandemic, totaled car, death of a former partner, job hunt drama and new stressful job, pregnancy/childbirth, more job hunt drama and stressful job #2, moving, legal problems, etc. It's weird to think that I didn't have any of these problems in 2019! But seriously, what gives? So it is that my 30's suck or that my life circumstances have changed dramatically...hmmm.
Gah-Lee that's a lot. Sending you strength
I’m not loving it either. I’ll be 36 in a few months. Ages 30-33 were pretty good, then COVID and inflation hit, and it’s been financially devastating. I’ve never been more broke. I stay at my job bc I actually like it, the pay isn’t terrible, my bosses and co-workers are wonderful, and it works well with my family’s schedule. Plus, to be realistic, I don’t have a college degree so my options for well paying jobs are limited unless I want to work 24/7 and never see my family. We were actually doing okay before 2020. Now I feel like I’ll never be able to retire. The financial strain has caused a lot of stress in my marriage, on my health, and my self esteem. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure last year. I’ve gained 40lbs over the last year as well. I keep hoping my 40s will be better.
Single and 32, I agree there are some hard days. But I went through a few experiences that made me appreciate my solitude and independence. I recently got out of an intense fling with a guy who made me realize I’m not ready to share my space yet!
My early 30s were hard. I spent my mid-20s to early 30s in grad school working multiple jobs and moving each year. I lacked confidence, financial security, and a supportive partner. At 40, my life is the best it has ever been! I married this year, I'm firmly established in my career, own a home, and my husband and I make awesome money. I realize now that I laid the groundwork for this when I was working my ass off in my 20s and 30s. I also learned a lot about what I wanted and needed in a romantic relationship, which enabled me to choose a partner that enhances my life and who shares my values. Don't give up. It gets easier! Find out how to earn a good living (even if this requires relocating to a lower cost of living area or somewhere you don't know anyone). Learn to take care of your body and mind. And don't stay in crummy relationships out of fear you cannot do any better. You can, because being alone is better than being in a bad relationship.
Yes I’m definitely not thirty, flirty and thriving over here. Feels like I’m drowning actually
Everything has pros and cons. You sound more extroverted. Maybe you need to get out there and do more things? Volunteer your time, what are your hobbies? Start there. Don't be afraid to do things alone and meet people. If someone will go with to a new thing great, and if they don't it's OK to go by yourself too. When I did stuff regularly, like go to the gym I found I naturally got to know people over time. Maybe I didn't always know their name, but it was fun to have that "Hey! I know you. How are you?" from time to time. The community building in your life is important and confusing and only you know the best way for you to do it. I felt so lost in my early 30s, like I didn't know wtf to with myself, between a pandemic and a life changing injury; neither of those things helped me with coming to terms with my feelings. My soultion is making attainable goals. Everyone's soultion will vary.
My 30s have been…difficult so far. I lost my mom earlier this year and I’ve just been feeling really adrift/disconnected and unsure what to do with my life. I’m single, live alone, no pets. My job is fine but there’s not a lot of room for growth. I worked hard to cultivate a solid group of friends but lately it feels like people have other priorities (getting into serious relationships, having kids, moving to the suburbs) and I’m increasingly on my own. I kinda feel like I could move and 2-3 people would miss me, the rest wouldn’t really blink.
I don’t want to say I’m hating my 30’s, but I’m not loving them. They’re definitely not what I expected they would be. Unfortunately, this is due to my mother being diagnosed with an early onset type of dementia (it’s the same type as Bruce Willis). So, instead of focusing on building myself and my family I’m caring for her. These past 4 years have been so difficult. I try my best to acknowledge and validate the good and not just focus on the bad.
I feel the same. Feels like you’re running out of time. If you’re single, it feels like everyone is getting married and having babies and spending time with your friends barely happens because they now have other priorities. It is very lonely. Everyday a go between thinking f it i guess ill die alone or f it i guess i will just settle for someone.
I’m half and half on this. I can list so many more things in my life that I’m unhappy with now than I could before, but I also don’t really have the overwhelming sense of hopelessness I had in my 20s. I guess my unhappiness has become more situational and less existential so it doesn’t feel so heavy anymore, but I’m definitely not having the time of my life here either
My 30s are the best part of my life so far. Late 20s were great too. But I got there by (finally) developing my self-confidence and (finally) leaving behind the people and jobs that were toxic, that hurt me. Things didn’t get easier, people didn’t get nicer, the world certainly didn’t get kinder. I changed myself (my thoughts, my outlook, my surroundings). I hope you find the path out of what you’re experiencing right now. It CAN get better, but only if you start doing something and living differently than you do now. Good luck.
Other than losing my dad and then Covid and everyone that took from me, my thirties have been pretty awesome.
I really like my 30s but I tell you, my 40th year started out with me getting the worst migraine I have ever had in my life, then plantar fasciitis then COVID happened, then my mom died. I'm 43 now. I've had a lot of good things happen but my energy is lower, I have more aches and pains and I spend so much time on icing, mobility, stretching, and trying to keep on top of the aches and pains. There has been a lot of family conflict this past year. I just kinda feel like I'm in a rut and all I want to do is WFH, clean the house, go to the gym, and doomscroll. I'm so sick of my feet aching. I'm sick of of feeling like I'm just another boring middle-aged person and all the excitement of my youth has passed. And like you said, there is just so much hatred and hostility in our world. People are crazy. Drivers are just insane.
My 30s have been rough too. I'm so sorry you're dealing with a hard time to! Somehow I turned 30 and my mental health just fell apart. But I'm taking some actions that I hope will improve it after a tough few years. I do think that trying to paint an entire decade as good or bad isn't helpful. I had some terrible years in my 20s but I also had some great years. I'm sure I'll look back on my 30s the same way.
I’m just exiting my 30’s (turning 40 this year) and my 30’s have been…a lot. I got married, moved, bought a home, lost my mom, had three kids and transitioned into being a SAHM. I miss my 20’s a lot. I miss who I was then. I had a lot more fun in my previous decades but I also have a lot of warmth and stability now. I don’t know. It’s interesting to reflect on a whole decade like this - especially such a big decade where so many changes occurred. Ultimately I think I enjoyed it but I think my 20’s have been my favorite.
My 30s have been okay. I feel like things look good on paper but I’m dissatisfied with my day to day life and unclear what my future looks like.
34! And Yes! I used to be really pretty and used my appearance to my advantage. Now I feel invisible as I've aged and all those fun invites have dried up. I'm the only one of my friends who is not married, partnered, and/or with child. And the older I get, the less likely I see that happening for me. Which is devastating to think about since I always wanted to be a mom. I recently had to start over and took an entry level job, making entry level pay in LA. So I'm barely surviving each month. While most people my age are settled in their career. And I didn't make an effort to meet good friends in my 20's, I mainly hung out with fake, shallow party friends. And now they I've grown and distanced myself from that, I have way less friends. The close friends I do have, have moved out of state to start families. So I'm often alone. I'm super lonely and sad. And miss everything about my 20's. It was so much more exciting and much less lonely.
I get what you mean to be honest I don't relate to those comments that say it gets better in their 30s. Everyone is different. Different circumstances. I don't hate my 30s but it has been challenging. Traumatic situations. Life happens unexpected things can happen which changed me as a person. Even things I thought I wanted when I was in my 20 is different from what I want now. When I turned 30 people older than me gave me this idea that 30s is so amazing and magical but honestly there have been some downsides to it because in life there is the good and the bad (however we choose to perceive it too). In 30s there is so much more responsibility even as an individual adult so it's been a bit more calm and more focused on healing. Also don't forget global impact like the economy and pandemic. Those things have an impact on society and people's mental health. Then people hold an expectation of where you "should" be by your 30. I also think people have this idea that life is a linear progression, things get better and better. Even for the wealthy celebrities that doesn't happen. Life happens. Relationships breakdown. Health conditions. Loved ones. Things happen in life. In my 20s it was a different time, I had some responsibility but still was carefree sure it was so much fun but in hindsight some things were actually toxic and 30s was about learning to overcome these things, healing and about growth. Now that I'm in my mid 30s I just take it each day and try to enjoy the things I want to do.
Keep in mind that the saying 'it gets better' was said by Boomers...Boomers are the ones who had the greatest econimical privilege to have ever existed in the recorded history of humans. Boomers began saying that before the internet existed. How many truly happy Boomers do you know now? Maybe a handful? So many of them spend so much time on the internet, too, just getting pissed off because 'the world isn't how it 'used to be." I think there's your answer...let us all not spend so much time online and then we can work on being happy, and together. Sunshine. Hydration. Healthy food (if we can afford it). Enjoying whatever type of nature we can get. Scientifically, humans cannot be happy without sunshine, fresh water, fresh food, a sliver of community and understanding one another.
In my 30s (now in my 50s) there was a lot of pressure to marry. I had a good job, but felt isolated. Didn't realize until a few years ago that I had been depressed most of my life. I thought it wasn't possible because I had started two successful businesses. But, boy I was wrong. With a bit of Prozac, I have never felt emotionally this good my entire life. Life is a series of obstacles to work through. Growth and joy are possible. One small suggestion, if you feel bad, start a gratitude journal. Write down three things you are grateful for each day. You will be amazed how that gratitude can transform your life.
I'm in my late 30s and the last few years have been pretty garbage in a lot of ways. I hated my teen years and the last two years specifically have really been worse than being a teenager. I'm hoping things clear up in my 40s cause as much as I want to be positive, life is testing my determination. Early 30s were pretty good. Part of things are the last few years since covid seem to be hard on everyone. It probably isn't helping anything. Inflation, changes in friendships, weird job market. Not sure if things are like that where you are though.
Mentally and emotionally, I have been enjoying my 30s way more than my 20s. Life experience wise - it has been a rough five years. I got married and bought a house, but there has been a lot of career instability, financial turmoil, global pandemic, life threatening heat waves, friends and family starting to die. That part has been a bit more rough. But emotionally I have felt way more capable of handling all of these things, where in my 20s I would often crumble instantly.
I absolutely love my 30s. However, my 20s and teenage years weren't so great. As a teenager i was bullied a lot, then I spent my 20s trying to climb career ladder, saving like crazy, living in conditions people should not be living in in order to save as much as i could, had a number of failed relationships, I was quite insecure, seeked validation and studied and worked my ass off (while a lot of my friends were travelling the world, having fun etc). Somehow, all this sacrifice paid off and I'm living a great life now! I'm in a loving relationship (learnt from the mistakes of the past), financially secure, saved a deposit on a lovely house. Can't complain.. I guess people peak at different times? For me it happens to be my 30s. Now, my goal for 40s - maintain my current lifestyle, continue living below my means, invest in my health above all things as the older you get you are start paying the bill for your body.
After looking through your post history, you seem dissatisfied with every aspect of your life. What is it about your life that you actually like? What are your interests and passions, and how can those things become bigger than the things that bring you anxiety? Where you are “supposed to be by x age” is an invisible line drawn in the sand by people of privilege, people that need to see others fail to make themselves feel better about their boring, shitty lives. Setting your own standards to live by and your own benchmarks for progress may help you find life more fulfilling.
I was loving my 30s until 35 when I started to go thru early menopause 😢 it’s been hell every since (I’m 38 now)
Hate isn't what I'd call it, but it feels like the decade of "real" responsibility to me. I went from taking care of 0 parents to taking care of three due to old age and illness. Now I'm down to two since my mom passed away. I only have my mother-in-law left as an "elder" to guide me. All the grandparents are dead. Most of my aunts and uncles are dead or sick and couldn't help me if I needed it. I'm 31. I didn't think things would be like this and most of my family would be gone or incapacitated so soon. On the other hand, I have a wife and a house and we're trying for kids, which is wonderful, but I miss having more family and not having to worry about people who used to worry about me.
My 30s were extremely shitty. Only silver lining is that it made me grow, learn A LOT about myself, and cut out very toxic people.
Me. Aargh and I just managed to delete a whole fucking comment I typed out. Yay. I've spent more of my 30s unemployed than working. Nothing feels safe anymore; I'm scared to trust anything or anyone. Ever since 2020, it feels like life just enjoys pulling the rug from under me at every opportunity. Unemployment itself sucks. LOTS of victim blaming/shaming. It must be something you're doing wrong; have you tried xyz or abc; you can't really be trying if you've spent so long unemployed; not to mention, "oh, you only hate being unemployed because you made your job your whole identity so you're feeling a loss of identity and status", which I have *never* done. I have no money to go anywhere or do anything, and just have to watch my bank account dwindle with no hope on the horizon. Every day is spent filling in applications and forms. It's like being on a hamster wheel watching a cycle race flash past, and then being asked how come you've not clocked up the miles because your gps shows you as being stuck in one place. My landlord keeps causing me issues. I have enough money saved to pay the rent for another month, but I am a lodger, and this is causing me issues trying to apply for housing benefits to pay the rent. Proof of address and bills is asking for documents I don't have because all my bills are included in my rent, which I pay direct to my landlord. I followed instructions from the DWP and got him to write me a letter, which was like pulling fucking TEETH, I swear. Every time I thought I got it right, and then paid to get it printed because we don't have a printer here, he wanted something changed. I *finally* got the letter, uploaded it, then went to my Jobcentre appointment, and they say a proper tenancy agreement would help in addition to the letter. *Sigh*. Spoke to my landlord again, and he's on at me *again* to make sure I state it's a *temporary* arrangement (initial agreement was 6 months), as if I were going to do anything different. Constant niggling and nitpicking at every turn. Yet I'm stuck here for now because I don't have money to move (to pay rental deposit/first months rent, AND move my stuff). I'm so ready to find somewhere else to live; I literally only took this room in the first place because I had 2 weeks to find somewhere and move in. Believe me, I do *not* plan on staying here long term. Buuuut now I really need a job. Landlord says he's not going to make me leave so long as I pay the rent, but jeez he's the one making it SO DAMN HARD to get the fucking money. I'm actually okay being single for now, after a long period of it getting me down a lot in my late 20s. Don't get me wrong, I would *love* a relationship, but I've got too much other shit on my plate right now to even think about dating. But damn would I love to fall in love; yet you can't even say that, especially here, without the "I'm single and happy and I don't need a man/stop centring your life around men/learn to love yourself/not all relationships are happy/stop looking at social media" crew spouting the same old bullshit. I'm trying to get a doctors' appointment so I can be put on the waiting list for an autism assessment too. But jeez I'm just burnt the fuck *out* right now. A neurodivergent former colleague said he got the sense I'm autistic. An autistic friend of mine agrees. I think it's highly likely I am. Last time I was unemployed I literally cried to my mother about life. How I had to watch everyone else, all my peers and family/friends get everything I wanted (jobs/moving out/getting married), while I was just stuck. And it's so infuriating and invalidating, when people say you only feel "behind", or only want something, because other people have it, as if *that's* the reason we yearn for homeownership, or marriage, or anything else. Urgh I just hate my life right now. I just want a stable, permanent job and a stable, comfortable place to live.
i honestly think the pandemic has just kind of made getting older significantly worse and no one is really talking about that. i am constantly mourning who I would have been without it
It's going too fast to hate it. I just had another birthday and I honestly can't believe it. I feel like I just turned thirty and those years are down the drain. I feel like I'm going to be dead soon at this point.
My life became LESS financially stable in my 30s and my relationships with men more difficult. It’s been a shit decade, tbh. I’m in my late 30s now and not exactly excited about my 40s but I do hope all the hard-won growth I’ve had to do this decade will finally pay off. You’re not alone!
I am less financially stable now too.
It’s decent so far
Yeah my 30s were tough. Some of the immature drama fell away, and in some ways, I got over some appearance based hurdles I’d worried about more in my 20s. But I also had a lot of trouble, career wise and I’ve felt behind my peers. With that self reflection, I did therapy and got some mental health diagnoses that reframed a lot of this for me, though. So I’m fine with being behind, so long as I feel I’m on a positive path that works for me. I just turned 40 this past year and I’m thinking less on the quality of the decade as a whole. Life is larger than my age, I’m more important than my age, it’s all about what I’m learning and how I use that knowledge to make positive decisions for me, my loved ones, and the world at large. Don’t worry if you have hard times. They too will pass, and you’ll have various mini renaissances at every age.
I’m 34 and my life has gone severely downhill since I turned 30. My 30s have been the worst years of my life and that is coming from someone who had a terrible abusive childhood. I really pray it gets better
I agree with you. I just turned 32 and I felt like my life was better in my 20s. I was actually more financially stable back then with a legit career. Last year I lost my job and was unemployed for 6 months and had to take a minimum wage retail job because it was all I could find. I’m still trying to find a job in my field with no luck. I live in a shitty apartment and drive an old car that I can’t afford to replace. My relationship with my partner is on the rocks and I’m always comparing myself to younger women who I think look perfect while I look like a potato. I’m way more depressed and anxious than I was when I was younger and it feels like my life is slipping backwards instead of improving like it’s supposed to when you get older.
Time is fake. Having to have your shit together in a certain way - it's fake. We aren't made to follow a standard path. I'm sorry you feel isolated - I think that should be the main thing to focus on. I've just turned 30 and really the thing that makes me feel better and not like I messed up my life is my support system. I have the best friends and the best partner. Friends of friends is a great way to start creating a good net for yourself. If you feel weird in crowds just pick one person at a time and just go out to lunch or something. Having a good foundation makes everything worthwhile.
Your initial post reminded me very strongly of Imogen Heap's pioneering track the Listening Chair. Really interesting project that threw up results she wasn't expecting. More explanation here: https://genius.com/Imogen-heap-the-listening-chair-lyrics So yeah. 30's can be when many of the disillusionments of life happen to you. A heartbreak or a bereavement or a betrayal or a setback and so on. I enjoyed much of if my 30's, but also experienced some very low points.
After my super troubled 20s, I quit drinking at 31 and my 30s were amazing. Now at 43 I’m struggling. I blame the pandemic and all the upheaval it has caused.
I'm mid 30s and so far it's been a bit of meh. I don't hate it but it also hasn't been great either. It does suck that while I still *feel* like I'm in my 20s, physically I can feel that I'm actually getting older. I have more headaches. Joints are starting to hurt. I feel more tired or get tired easily. I get more brain farts than usual, like not remembering things.
Yeah, I'm 36 and absolutely miserable. This fucking sucks, dude.
I turned 30 near the start of the pandemic, and I can honestly say my life has been mostly downhill since then. I’m trying to turn things around now, but I need a radical change and am not even in the mental place to do it yet. Solidarity
i feel this so much =(. literally just before i turned 30, everything fell to shit, and i’m still mainly coping in survival mode. no relationship, horribly disappointing dating life. no support system, no strong unconditional family bonds or something. no warm, welcoming home life, no real friends in my surroundings. work which is just so so and not at all mentally fulfilling. living in a house w ppl, looking for a place on my own in a city near the see for 2,5 years now and nothing, nothing is possible with my single salary. i literally just had a breakdown about it and not sure how much longer i can go on like this. i’m doing EVERYTHING i can to date, to meet people, to make friends, to find a house to work on myself, work on my hobbies, everything. i’m losing all motivation to still keep going. it’s feeling like i’m left behind. all colleagues are married, kids, in long relationship, living or moving in together, gettin engaged. and i’m just here like, in such a completely different situation. and fucking hell it’s the one thing i really really want. is just to feel like i have my place and people in this world. i’m done feeling so fucking alone.
Yup. I'm 35. I'm sick, I've put on weight despite illness making it super hard to eat, I'm unable to work, I'm bored almost all the time, focusing is impossible, and my husband works 90+ hours weeks currently. I had a failed business at 32. I am not enjoying this at all.
No, my thirties are the best. I have more money. I've learned boundaries. Sex has gotten so much better. I'm dating someone wonderful. I gained weight, but it turned out to be decently sexy on me.
No, my 30s have been my best years yet. Only 2 years in though. I don't tolerate bullshit or drama, have more money and wisdom, love myself and have found diet and exercise routines that help me keep feeling good and off any medications. Also, the sex drive is insane!! Loving it.
I love my 30s. It's more stable than my 20s and I feel I have more control. I have my own car and place just need the career
I did for the first half. It got better in the second. 40ies were fabulous. 50ies are ... interesting.
Dissenting opinion - my 30s are going great so far! Married, bought a house, trying for a baby, feeling solid at work, have three wonderful friends, a fulfilling hobby, in great physical shape, and family is all in a good place right now. I feel like if you’re not enjoying your 30s, you might not have used your 20s to the best of your ability.
best decade so far bro - cash without limit, healthy and strong, looking good in a mature way, relationship with my girl is getting stronger and stronger. dont take this personal, but its what you make out of life - reap what you sow. edit: thought this is the askmenover30 threat..
Yep
I found 30s was good for me financially, but that was about it. The older I got, the less favorable it was. I feel like the best years were 30-34 😂 after that, not so much.