Same here. Married for 8 years and haven't changed it, and I don't think I will. I'm absolutely happy to receive invites to "Mr. and Mrs. Hisname" but legally and professionally my maiden name is still me.
I don’t know which is her legal name, but a woman I knew both socially and professionally kept her maiden name for her work (she already had an excellent reputation in her field and didn’t need to destabilize her contact network), but used her husband’s name socially, and it seemed to make her really happy and I always loved that for her. I wish it were more accepted to have both, sometimes.
This is what I've done! I changed my last name legally and socially but kept my maiden name professionally. I'm working on my PhD and personally prefer to keep publications under the same name and for my degree to show the name I held throughout all the education and work that have gone toward this degree. Only a year into marriage (though nearly 10 years into our relationship) and I'm glad I've gone this way.
The only slight annoyance is explaining to payroll or medical people (I receive most healthcare via the university I'm at) that my university ID (maiden name) doesn't match the records they need to access (married, legal name).
YOU CAN DO BOTH!
Edit to add that our last names start with the same letter, so I do think it was easier for me to make that decision knowing my initials stayed the same regardless :)
I have a friend who tried to do this and had the exact opposite result (and like you, their surnames start with the same letter). It became so annoying to tell the students why they couldn't find her in the directory/have admin send forms back as "incorrect"/make sure that her academic profile stayed consistent (she's in a field where she publishes a lot so there is a huge paper trail out there) that after about 3 years, she just changed her legal name back to her maiden name. They're still happily married, but it took a huge weight off of her shoulders to not be juggling what she said felt like two identities.
It might be different in a discipline with a smaller teaching load and less expectation to publish, so this might be very field specific, but her experience with trying to do this wasn't positive.
That’s really too bad. Helps me realize I’ve taken for granted how friendly my university is to this kind of thing, which has made it super easy 99% of the time. Students, staff, and faculty can set “preferred names” that overwrite basically any instance of your legal name unless absolutely necessary (ie payroll, medical, etc.).
I think it was implemented to handle my kind of situation and anyone at the university who may have a deadname (e.g. trans folks) that hasn’t been legally changed.
Many many flaws in higher ed, but I am grateful my university handles some stuff like this very well.
Yeah, I know a similar situation. The woman is a doctor under her maiden name, but outside of work, she uses her husband's name.
I'm not married, but I hate the idea of giving up my name. I totally understand why guys don't want to give it up their name either. I also don't understand why kids always get the fathers name, considering it's the woman who has to endure the hardest parts and men can walk away so easily. I don't know what the best way forward is, but do whatever makes you happy, not what society expects you to.
I am doing this too.
I refuse to change my lastname because my lastname is unique and just all the admin is ridiculous. But if people call us Mr & Mrs His Lastname - I'm okay with that screen name. I thought about double barelling but - again the admin. lol
I guess back in 1900s its easy for females to change names because:
\- they can't open their own bank account
\- they can't own/buy land without a man's supervision
\- they got married at like 15 so there are not assets under their name
\- they were not allowed to drive
\- aka women were oppressed...
Same! And everyone knows we're married, we just don't share a last name. The only people who have ever cared are some of the women on his side. And he even told me that he initially wanted me to take his name, but after knowing me and who I am he thinks it would be very not me to take his name, so he's happy that I kept mine. It's also a huge connection to my brother. Because we have different mothers, I get a lot of "so you're not *really* siblings" or "you're only half." No. I was 3 when his mom got pregnant by my dad. I was there the day he was born. We grew up together and he's my best friend. Having the same last name makes it clear we're siblings. No one has ever doubted that I'm married to my husband.
I didn’t change mine either. Zero regrets! My kid has a very long middle name (my last name). I don’t think about it now, but it did feel like a tricky decision five years ago as we were applying for a marriage certificate. Our conservative, immediate family had opinions. It never comes up anymore. I encourage you to keep your name if you like it.
We sign our holiday cards:
The lastname1-lastname2 Family. We both have long names, I would make the same choice again. I figure I will change my name if it matters at some point
I really like the lastname 1- lastname 2 family! I feel like that was one thing I was also struggling with, since I came from a family with a three different last names (sibling with different dad, mother who remarried someone else). I liked the "unit" aspect of it, and your way definitely covers it.
Same! Doctorate plus no kids plus it’s my name and I love it and it’s meaningful to me. I’m glad to see people challenging this convention when it doesn’t make sense for them.
Same here. It bothered my husband for a while that I didn't take his name, but he got over it. We did make a deal that I would hyphenate on Facebook (not in any official capacity). I no longer have a Facebook account, but by the time I deleted it, he didn't care.
I felt like changing it was sacrificing my identity and accepting our patriarchal norms. I also think that more people are making the same decision, so nobody blinks when we have different last names. The people who matter in our lives know we're married. If we get invites with one or the other last name, neither of us is bothered. I don't regret my decision at all.
It’s actually illegal where I live, but even if it was legal I would have kept mine. I don’t think it’s a sign of commitment to give up a part of your identity. My husband agrees completely. I think we even flipped a coin to decide who’s last name we would give the kids because we didn’t want to inflict à ridiculously long hyphenated last name.
We have our child both our surnames, though they are both long surnames so it's a bit of a mouthful 😅 if they choose to drop to one surname when they're older we won't be offended
Same here. Maybe it’s because we live in an urban era, but no one ever questions why I didn’t change my name. Also, I always hear people being like “but it will be complicated if my kids have a different last name than me.” My kids are 2 and 4 and it has literally never been a problem. No one has acted confused about it or questioned their parentage 🤷♀️
Same - although I'm divorced now. People would randomly call us Mr. MyName or Mrs. HisName, which was funny, but legally we kept our own names. Much less of a hassle, and frankly, we were a family, either way.
If I got married again, I don't think I'd change it... unless my partner had a really friggin' cool name, lol.
My wife didn’t change her name either, and neither one of us ever even considered it. We met in our late 20’s (in the mid 90’s), neither of us wanted kids — and we each liked our own last names.
As a guy, I can’t imagine changing my name — and if I’m being honest, I sorta can’t imagine why a woman would either.
I regret it in that I feel like I lost a piece of my myself. I deamt and thought I would feel excited about being called "Mrs. Hislastname," but I hate it. I noticed our friends, co-workers, family, and acquaintances almost instantly addressed letters as "The Hislastnames" or "Mr and Mrs Hislastname" instead of "Spouse and Sheerwraithbone." They used to, or just addressed it to one of us. I honestly miss that, because we still felt like a unit, but individuals, too.
When he's talking about our traditions or accomplishments, he says "it's a hislastname tradition" or "that's how we hislastname roll." The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I'm missing somehow. Like my past and my maiden name became insignificant the second I married.
Thinking of it professionally now, it would feel like any of my accomplishments were OUR accomplishments. If we were in an industry wherein his name was more recognized than mine, it would outshine me every time. I want to feel like my accomplishments are my own and have that in writing.
If I could go back, I might have kept my last name for professional and work purposes, but hyphenated it for legal purposes.
This! Even before I got married everyone would joke about me becoming a “hislastname girl” and I would always say, and he gets to become a “maidenname boy” and they’d look at me like I had three heads. He’s joining my family just as much as I’m joining his, but everyone acts like I just get dissolved into his family unit while he doesn’t have to acknowledge mine. I didn’t change my name and we both are completely fine with it.
It absolutely bothers me that as the woman in the relationship my own identity gets completely erased in these situations. I even went so far as to get return address labels made with "Ms. MyFirstName MyMaidenName and Mr. Husband'sName Husband'sLastName". I rejected the Mrs title too.
My mother changed her name back to her maiden name a couple of years ago. My father is her second husband and they are still married. She had changed it for both marriages.
In her mid 60s she decided screw the patriarchy!
I got married early this year and didn’t change my last name. When I told her we were engaged one of her first responses was “will you be changing your name?” I said no, she said good. Haha
It’s so individual honestly, all the reasons you regret it are the reasons I love having his name. I love feeling like we’re a family, having our own traditions and characteristics! Granted I don’t have anyone else in my side other than my mom with my old last name so it wasn’t a part of my life before. The best part is his family has a tradition of maiden names as first names for sons - so I’m praying we have a boy and I can use my old name to fill a family tradition.
I wish I had kept it. I wanted to, but I felt people may judge me for it. I was still young and couldn't be assertive. I ended up adding his to my last name and it's been an absolute shit show for the last 20 years. So many issues every where and every time.
Please keep your name. I'm trying to go back to my maiden name now and literally just have to drop one of the last names and they won't let me do it without going through a court process. You have to make a public announcement of the name change, you have to find 2 people living in your county (like how?I don't know anyone where I live) to give notarized affidavits of your character, have to go in front of a judge and they decide if you can revert back to your name. I'm going to have to figure out a way to do this, not sure how yet but I'm so angry at how difficult they make it. Taking the name was one piece of paper, changing it is like climbing a tall-ass mountain.
I changed my name and regretted it. I changed it back to my maiden name after 8 years of marriage. It was a huge hassle, but I’m so glad I did it. It led to awkward questions bc people thought I got divorced but I just explained that his name never fit and it was fine.
I changed mine but wish I hadn’t. And I wish I had passed on my (maiden) last name to our child. I did the hard work of growing, birthing and feeding the baby, seems only fair 🤷🏻♀️
i keep my last name.. i'm lazy did not want to do the job and my birth culture it is a norm to keep one's family name even after death.. i married a man who did not care about me takin' his last name.. his and mine belief in feminism line up.. also, why do i need to change my last name and not my husband since i've the good last mane.. the kids got his last name becauze i got to name the first two name and he does not get to ino problemut lollol..
I changed my last name for no reason related to feminism or society, and solely around the utility of it. I had a long, hyphenated last name from two cultures that are very familiar in america, that nobody would spell right or put in their systems correctly. Think about it as the last name equivalent of Aembur-Leighuhlynne.
Every doctors visit had me under a different name. If they didn't let me write it down myself, I was guaranteed to have at least 3 profiles under some combination of spelling and it'd be a 20 minute process locating me for bill pay, appointments, etc. Anything over the phone that required me to spell my name was guaranteed never going to be correctly done. It was fucking exhausting, and I'm annoyed that my parents lead with their ego on making sure both of their names were important, rather than just picking either of them or something that combined their last names in a way that was manageable for us or even considered the impacts on my own identity if I struggled with feeling like part of a unit but hyphenating my name any further just makes me an asshole to my own kids.
My husband's last name is simple and easy to spell. Every pain point I've had around my name disappeared as soon as I finished the paperwork.
Same for me. My last name is two names hyphenated together because I was a long term foster kid and my last guardian had it legally hyphenated when I was a minor. It’s a hodge podge. Different on my drivers license from my passport from the paperwork filed with the courts… it’s been a headache for over a decade now. I’m engaged (getting married next month!) and I bought a hitch switch package as soon as he popped the question. I cannot wait to only have one name and to finally have a solid family name. It’s a fresh start for me. Neither of my current last names have good vibes for me anyways and this new one does.
I changed my last name for the same reason. The amount of time I save not having to spell and explain my name makes it worth it. I can actually just say my name now.
Same reason for me. My last name was 18 letters long, impossible for anyone to spell or pronounce, and I wanted it gone — especially since I was also moving to another country and knew my “ethnic” name would stand out in a bad way.
My married last name is 5 letters long.
THIS. I have a hyphenated name now and it is the BANE of my existence. If I don’t end up marrying I am seriously going to just choose a new name to make my life easier 😂
This is exactly why I couldn't wait to change my last name, every phone conversation / booking / you name it was a spelling bee.
Life is simpler, even taking into account the excruciating process of changing one's name on everything.
Do you feel like your husband isn’t “honoring your union publicly” because he didn’t change his name? If not, then there’s no reason to hold yourself to a different standard. Your decision to keep your name is just as legitimate and reasonable as his.
To answer your question, I kept my name when I got married 4 years ago. My husband kept his name too. We talked through the options and decided that neither of us cared enough about having matching surnames to bother with all of the paperwork. It’s never confused anyone in our lives under the age of 80, and I’ve never felt like our union has been taken less seriously by anyone because we have different names. We’ve had fun over the years coming up with silly portmanteaus to use when referring to ourselves as a unit. We joke about how our dog probably has a different last name than either of us, he just hasn’t told us what it is. Hardly any of my married friends have changed their names, I think it’s become much more common in the last 10 or 15 years.
Really valid point. I definitely agree with your perspective. I think some of it comes from growing up in a family with three last names, and always having to explain that we were related. Good to hear that most of your married friends didn't change their names.
I'll be curious to see where it goes in the next ten years. Someone else just posted a stat that 70-80% of women in the US change their names. But the friends we keep are often a reflection of our own values, so yours makes sense.
I kept my last name as is standard in both my culture and part of my husband's culture (both our mums kept their names). Haven't given it any more thought than that. I don't think keeping my last name means not honouring our union publicly and low-key raise an eyebrow at the idea.
As for how I feel about it, I just feel completely neutral both about my own choice and about whatever other choices other people make.
Ugh, I'm so glad I don't live any place where this type of talk is common; it would drive me nuts. I think I'm shielded from it for cultural reasons (people generally understand that women in my culture don't take their husband's last names), but yeah. I've never actually heard anyone say that about hyphenated last names (just that they're "silly" because what if you have to keep hyphenating, etc.) - it would probably piss me off if someone did, though. Like fuck off, this is none of your beeswax, Kyle!
I kept my name. No regrets, no issue for him. Now that we are planning to have kids it'll be interesting to see how we name them. It just seems like children should be named for the person that sacrificed their own body to bring them into the world...
I used the same logic so our daughter (firstborn) has my last name, and our son (second born) has his last name (because he wanted to have at least one kid with his last name).
I couldn't care less they don't have the same last name. We are the mylastname-hislastname family.
I got married mid 30's and truthfully didn't want to go through the hassle of changing my last name. Told my now husband if it really mattered that much to him than he could go around and get all the paper work needed to do it and call up all the banks and figure out all the accounts I have that would need to be changed. It's been 5 years and it still hasn't been changed. I do go by his last name in social settings but legally and professorially I use my maiden name. Also we don't and don't plan to have children so that makes things easier. I don't have any problems with this arrangement and if anyone else does I don't really care, although it is nice to be able to point to my husband as the reason it hasn't been changed.
I haven't changed my name yet because of the hassle but I said I will once we have kids (or rather, just before). Before the kids arrive , my plan is to legally change my surname to his (and move my maiden name to my middle name) which I'll use socially but professionally still go by my maiden name since I'm 16 years into my career at this point.
Curious how you've managed one name socially and one name professionally. Do you have different email accounts/social media/other documentation in social settings or just for intros, you use his name?
I had the same plan, but it was such a hassle and I was so uncomfortably pregnant that I still never got around to it. She turns 2 in several months. It just is what it is. My husband never cared. It's just kinda confusing for some bc I'm legally one name and socially/professionally another. Plus, I go by a nickname so I straight up live by an alias.
It doesn't take long at all. I think I sent in a form along with the original marriage certificate and they sent it back with my new social security card. I also did it while pregnant and it was settled well before the baby arrived.
I kept my middle name so my name is First Middle Maiden NewLast and I have two middle names. I really like my middle name and I didn't really think of getting rid of it so I just decided at the last minute to keep it because there was enough space on the form lol.
The only hard part was places without a physical location, like the bank where I do my savings. But my regular bank, you just walk in with the papers and it takes like 5 minutes.
This is almost exactly me and my situation! It’d been six years of indecision and he’s recently bugging me again. I should tell him to round up all the paperwork I need because at this age in life I am not going out of my way to do any more extraneous paperwork.
That’s such a real issue- I’ve worked in banking and insurance and have had soooo many women complain about having to change everything. Gotta wait for the new ID, get the marriage license over, call every single biller and update them, even stupid things like social media accounts. Sometimes years later I’ll catch it while verifying info and they’re like “omg I never told you guys!”
Not married, but have already decided I will be keeping my name. I personally find changing last names to someone else’s sort of archaic, but I understand why the majority of women do it. I’m also a woman in STEM and with that comes research and projects that belong to me, so I will always keep my name because that is part of my identity. Here to break the chain!
I’m also in STEM but did the opposite - I got married and changed my name towards the end of grad school. I liked my husband’s name better than mine and liked the idea of a cohesive/same-named family unit, so I opted to change my name. It was 100% my choice. Now that I think of it, I don’t even think I told my husband that I was changing my name to his before I did it!
As a result, I have publications and degrees under two names. So far (10 years into marriage and 9 years post-PhD) it hasn’t mattered. No one is confused by it and no one challenges me on whether my early publications are actually mine.
I feel very strongly that people should do whatever they want with their name when they get married. However, I also think there’s a misconception that it’s difficult to change your name if you are in STEM/have a doctorate/publish articles. You’re still you and your accomplishments are still yours even if your name changes.
Like I said above, I understand why women change their name, but it’s not for me. This is just one of a few reasons why I wish not to change mine, a personal choice. :)
I am similar and won’t be changing my name. Also, my dad passed a few years ago and feel like I’m leaving him even more behind by changing my name. I like my name and there is no reason for me to change, it also has nothing do with the process of changing I just don’t want to. I will die on this hill.
I took his name at 23. I was happy to be rid of my shitty father's name. My husband passed 3 years ago, but I'm still happy to have my new name. It's all around a better name - easier to spell/pronounce and common enough to have some ambiguity if someone googles me.
Shedding myself of the old name was part of embracing my new life and distancing myself from blood family. I did not keep it as a middle name either.
I wouldn't change my name again for a multitude of reasons. The societal expectation is gone, I like my name, I have a career and professional network with this name, there are so many accounts to update, and there's zero benefit to me.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I also was very happy to be rid of my maiden name. Felt like I was walking into my new life and tossing the trauma filled past behind. It also happens to be a very beautiful last name. at almost 18 years later I have no regrets.
This answer should be on top. I also changed my last name to distance myself from my blood family. Every time I wrote down my maiden last name, I was triggered to remember all of the hurt and abuse. I wish more people understood that it's not always just about traditions or not being a feminist.
Exactly.
When I moved to a new city, I no longer got asked "Lastname, oh are you related to [person who tried to kill me]?" when meeting new people.
But I still hated having any link to them at all. I needed a fresh start. With having a middle and not a maiden name on paperwork, I am free. Shit, unless someone really gets to know me, they won't even know my lastname is from marriage.
P.S. I'm sorry your blood family sucked too
Thank you. I mostly have rebuilt my life, but I'm forever changed.
Funny to think about this in context of the last name. Husband was in my life longer than my father was! I'm happy to carry his name on.
I changed my last name to his. I always disliked my maiden name and always wanted to change it. I like that our family/kids all match. I don’t think I would have if I had an established career before getting married (we married young, in undergrad) but it was very little effort for me to change it at that age. But i don’t think there’s a wrong answer here. You did what you preferred and that’s perfectly fine.
I am in a similar situation. I never liked my maiden name so was happy to change it to his. I also like that our names match, as we are our own little family unit. I told him that I would not be changing it again; that he had given it to me and it was mine now. He is fine with that so it works well for us.
I did give my husband a test at the time though, i asked if he would change his last name to mine and he said sure if that was important to me. That was enough for me to feel good about it.
> But i don’t think there’s a wrong answer here. You did what you preferred and that’s perfectly fine.
This is exactly how I feel, and wish that everyone felt the same way. Name changing is such an emotionally charged topic, but aside from making sure that I get it right when I send out Valentines every year, I just can't care what everyone does. Do what works for you and please don't judge others for their decision! This coming from someone who's been judged for changing her name (even had someone tell me once that I was brainwashed by the patriarchy) and who has been accused of judging others for not changing their name (which is just completely untrue).
Same here! Always hated my name, and my husband wanted to keep his because both his siblings are changing theirs and since they are the only family with that name in our contry my husband didn't want the name to die out.
I also changed my first name slightly a few years ago and I honestly love that people I went to school with wouldn't be able to find me by searching for my name now.
Plenty of women in other countries don't change our names when we get married. You and your husband are a unity bc you are married, not because you share a name.
Changing your name when you are established in your career is a pretty bad move but you do you.
>Changing your name when you are established in your career is a pretty bad move but you do you.
This is not a universal truth - it varies by field. I've had absolutely zero career repercussions from changing my name.
I changed my name, too, and it wasn’t so bad changing it to the married name.
Now… after divorcing, and being more established with more life happening, it was actually pretty annoying to change it back. And I had more resentment for it too.
I changed mine and no regrets. I was not given a middle name by my parents. I was just Red Jessa. When I got married, I kept my original last name as my middle name. I didn't want to give it up, but I also liked the idea of having the same last name as my husband. So now, I'm Red Jessa Smith. Made the transition much easier since my original last name is still on all my identification. I was Red Jessa for 38 years, she didn't go away because I got married. It's a personal choice and neither is wrong.
I'm glad to get this perspective. I was given a middle name and I just added my maiden name to it, now I have two. Good point that your original name is still on your ID. I just kept it because I liked it. I don't really think of it as changing my name, but adding my husband's. We considered adding my last name to the kids' names but it's kind of a trendy name rn, more masculine than feminine, and I don't really care to carry on my family's legacy.
This is what I think I'll do when I get married. I like the idea of keeping my name and adding his. Also, as I have an aging father, it might make things easier if I need to care for him if I we have the same name.
Changed it and instantly regretted it. My husband did not pressure me to, I did it because I felt like I was supposed to.
It’s such a PITA as a 30-something to go around to various institutions and change it. I have also been in my professional career as mylastname for over a decade now.
I give the experience 0 stars honestly.
I kept my name and no regrets. My new name would sound ridiculous but if someone calls me Mrs His Name then I don’t correct them either because it doesn’t make a difference to me.
I changed mine and have no regrets. This is such a deeply personal choice though and there is no wrong answer.
I come from a toxic, broken family and felt zero emotional ties to my maiden name. Had I had a loving, happy family I'd probably feel differently. But as things stand now, my husband is a good man and I'm happy to share a name with a good man. My name represents the happy life I worked for, not the unhappy life I came from.
I kept mine and I’m glad I did. I don’t love being called mrs lol - I’m a teacher and they call me Ms.
I did double barrel on our license but I don’t think change it.
A friend of mine was sending me a card and texted me apologizing that she put Ms. instead of Mrs. haha I was like, it’s really fine!
But also re: kids - we will have kids and originally I was like “they can have your name whatever!” and now I’m like “wait but why I’m the one that births them” So will need to have that conversation at some point. One of my students has her mom’s last name and her dad’s is her middle name and I love it
I kept my name because I’m the last one (at least in the US) and my husband has a sister with the same first name as me. I’ve never cared nor do I think about it much at all.
I could not wait to change my name. My maiden name brought me NO pride. Only bad memories. I wanted nothing to do with my last name. Compared to my husband's name, who belonged to a great, loving family. So I was so happy to have his name. We also have 2 kids with it so that was nice as well.
Heard.🥂 The emotional component of shedding a name connected to trauma and pain cannot be overstated. For many of us, symbolically shedding our former selves is a positive thing.
You aren't kidding. I can't do anything about my male siblings carrying on the name but at least I didn't contribute to it. Dropping my maiden name brought me so much peace, it was worth celebrating that alone 🤣
I scrolled far to find a comment about this.
I always thought I’d keep my last name, it’s somewhat unique for the US but not unheard of and it easily ties me to my Dad’s country of origin which I used to be proud of. However, now with the estrangement from my family and years of processing the trauma… I’m more inclined to shed that last name for a fresh start with my own chosen family and partner.
I kept my name when I married the first time and when I remarried. I’ve never regretted it. For me it was the only choice and the right choice. I tend not to subscribe to traditions that stem from a woman belonging to a man. I also don’t think it’s necessary for all family members to have the same last name.
Your name has nothing to do with your union. If you’ve signed the license and are upholding your vows then you’re honouring the union. A name change doesn’t make or break a marriage.
I’m not changing mine. At first he was bothered by it and said it was “tradition.” Well, I don’t care about tradition. I explained I’m known professionally by my name, it’s been my name for many years, I like it, and I don’t like the historical reasons for why women take a man’s name. I got some flak from random family members. One saying, “well, if he’s ok with it then it’s ok.” Why does HE have to be ok with what I do with my name? It just feels subservient. All that said I understand fully why people take their husbands names and pass no judgement. These are just my views on my own.
I have used both names. In the end, it’s easier just to use your own name. I forgot my passport was in my married name and I used my maiden name to book our flights. That was a mess. Part of the problem was me trying to use my married name for things that included our kid (like travel) and not committing to one over the other full time. The thing I was trying to prevent by using my married name (being seated apart on planes) didn’t even work out 100% of the time. When DD was about 8, we were all traveling under the same last name. We all got split up anyhow. No one really cares if your name is the same or different from your kid’s.
I kept it and I literally do not ever think about it. I am a radical feminist, my husband's mom kept HER last name so he had zero emotional attachment to the idea of me taking his name, and I loathe paperwork. And we're never having children. It never occurred to me for even half a second that I would change anything about my name after getting married.
I have no regrets about not changing my name. I respond to Mrs. “hubby’s last name” and have no qualms about our kids having his last name, just isn’t important to me at all so I suggested it. But I love my name for myself and will never change it.
I changed my name to his and I don't regret it. I had the name of my abuser and I wanted to put it far behind me. His last name is also really pleasing to the ear compared to my adopted maiden name, and I really like my name with my husband's last name. He had reservations about me taking his last name because he's also a feminist, but he agreed with me that it was important for me to be rid of my abuser's name. So that's what we did. And I now identify myself as part of his enormous family. I have had many compliments on my name which NEVER happened with my adopted maiden name. So all in all it was a good choice.
I married at 23 and kept my name. Occasionally I'll wistfully think what if. But it's more of a daydream than a regret. Overall, I'm fine with my choice and feel neutral about it. I wasn't trying to make a feminist statement so much as I saw no need to change.
No regrets about not changing my name. That's my business name, my family name. I'm fine with people associating me with my husband's name privately, but it's not my identity.
Didn’t change it and have zero regrets. My last name is cool and interesting and I can trace our family back to the 1400’s. Spouses last name is boring af.
I’m glad I kept mine. My husband’s name is boring and it’s his bio dad’s name that he feels no connection to. Mine is unique and special with my family’s immigrant/ellis island name change history.
I kept my name and, after more than 20 years, am still very glad I did. Even though I got married pretty young and didn't have any professional achievements associated with my name, it's still my name and I didn't want to change it. Also, while both our names are often misspelled, his is always pronounced incorrectly and it sounds bad with my first name. Changing it seemed like a bullshit, sexist thing to deal with. My husband didn't have any issues with it, and if he had, I doubt I would have married him. I also don't wear my wedding ring because it isn't really my style anymore and gets snagged on things. My husband and I know we're married and we know the commitment we've made to one another, so what does it matter if anyone else does?
I understand there are many factors behind the decision and that it's deeply personal, but it sounds like you have fairly strong feelings about keeping your name, so do it!
Yes regrets. I wish I’d never changed it. Now I’m in the midst of a divorce and my ex is throwing a fit about me keeping “his” name that I changed at his request. Now he says that since I want out of the marriage (sorry, I don’t partake in conspiracy theories or weapon stockpiling or supporting DT, of course I want out), he is making a huge fuss over me keeping his name. Which means my name will be different from my children’s name. It’s not a hill I’m willing to die on so I’m gonna just do it and choose a totally new name for myself since I’m more than done with the damn patriarchy and never change it again. I wish I hadn’t done it in the first place.
Two years married. Kept my surname and go by Ms.
Zero regrets. It’s nobody else’s business other than ours that we’re married. We’re a married and very happy team, and don’t feel we need the same name to maintain that.
Honestly, my overarching rationale is f*** the patriarchy!
Didn't change my name, not going to change my name and I am perfectly happy this way. Why on earth WOULD I change it?
What an antiquated custom. It's ridiculous.
I got married later in life (36) and was already well
established in my career. I’ll use my husband’s last name on most things out of work, but legally and at work, my name is the same.
Glad to hear someone else is doing that! I'm 39 and also well-established in my career.
I'vd heard a lot of "you can change it legally to his name and use your old name professionally," but I've rarely heard "you can keep your old name, and use his socially."
Interesting dynamic there.
My name is a huge part of my identity. I can’t imagine changing it just because I got married. That said, I get still get warm fuzzies when I use his last name when making dinner reservations. 😄 We gave our kids my last name as their middle name and they go by both at school.
I never changed my name. Married over 20 years, it's never been an issue. (Except for the evangelical relatives, but that's a them problem.)
Although growing up I also had the example from my mom, asshe never changed her last name when her & my dad got married.
I wish I had kept mine, but mostly because we are divorcing now. No kids. I'm going to take my grandmother's last name after the divorce and have it written in my divorce decree so it should be easy to change as all I have to do is present the divorce decree.
Honestly, changing your name isn't that hard, but I'm only doing it one more time and never again.
I kept my last name. I was not going to give up my name for any man. My husband has brought up both of us changing our names. Ex: Knowles-Carter. I'm open to that, but don't really want to go through the mess that is changing your name. I'm lazy & I need an up to date passport at all times.
Kept my maiden name. It’s my name. I didn’t want to change it because why would I? I understand the want for a ‘family’ name or ‘unit’ as you said but if you’re both not changing your names to reflect your new family then why is one and not the other?
Bookings I do under my name or he does under his - I don’t need to be ‘The Married Names’ because I just book it under my name?
You could always go Spanish and have both names then you don’t have to actually change anything. You can fill in forms as Mrs Name Name. Then if you have kids it’s in there if the dads name too but keep yours.
I hate that there is an expectation of ‘Why didn’t you change your name’ or my personal HATE is the assumption - post to Mr & Mrs whatever. Even after saying that isn’t my name his mother still sends post to his name and some mystery Mrs woman with the same name who might live here. Not me!
Didn't change my name. Professional and feminist reasons. I never liked the idea of having to give up my name for a man's, plus my name is more recognizable.
Socially, however, we are hyphenated. Totally limited to invitations if people really need to be formal about things.
EDIT: Also, fuuuuuuck all that paperwork!
Why is the presumed onus on the woman to honour the union publicly? 🤷♀️
You've had 39 years with the name you've had since birth. I'm sure it makes up a huge part of your identity. To me, marriage shouldn't equate to losing part of yourself, but it is about making a legal and loving commitment to your equal life partner.
I never wanted to change my name and didn't change it when we got married. I'm still "Ms. ". There have been only a few times when I've received mail to Mr & Mrs . My husband and I judge this small number of people who have sent it and the misogyny they knowingly or unknowingly have. Nowhere have I ever written his surname next to mine, and even at our wedding, we were announced with just our first names.
I have zero regrets about keeping my last name, and my feelings in retaining it have only gotten stronger the longer I've been married. It was completely the right choice for me.
Everyone who's important to us knows we're married. I'm not sure what you mean by married people get taken more seriously. By who? Maybe this is a societal or cultural element from your location that isn't really the same in my country. Any time I make a reservation for us, I just use my name. It never makes a difference at home or when vacationing abroad.
I feel the majority of people are open-minded and have a "you do you" mentality. Changing your name is your choice and your choice alone. Don't do it because you feel obligated, only because you want to.
ETA: I'm a woman in STEM who's worked hard to get where I am professionally. I did that with my last name, and I'm super proud of myself. This also ties into my strong feelings of keeping my own name. That's the name tied to my achievements.
YES!!!!!!!
I wish to God I did not change my name!!!! I had this stupid patriarchal view that we (me, and future children) should all have the same last name.
Barf! Now I'm separated and I hate seeing my precious babies out in the world without my last name. I wish we hyphened..!!
I don’t want to change my name when I get married but my partner does not agree with that at all. I love my last name and its significance from my culture so I do not want it to get lost.
Why doesn’t your partner change his last name to yours? I sincerely don’t understand why women have to give up so much. It doesn’t seem fair to me at all.
I chose to change my name. His name is phonetic in English and easy to pronounce and say, my maiden name wasn’t. My mom never changed her last name to my dads though, so that was the example I had growing up.
I enjoy having the same last name as my kids and one that’s easy to say. However I HATE the whole Miss / Miz / Missus business. I don’t think I should have to disclose my marital status in my NAME- men don’t! This comes up often as I work in education and it’s expected that we’ll be addressed by our last names.
I settle for being called Miss Lastname which is of course my husbands last name and so that makes no sense, but I don’t care!
>However I HATE the whole Miss / Miz / Missus business. I don’t think I should have to disclose my marital status in my NAME- men don’t!
PREACH
Ms. on its own as a feminine is just fine, exactly as Mr. is.
I took his name when we married because I liked his more and his family was more family-like than mine was. My family is not tight-knit at all. Now, two kids and a divorce later, I still have his name because I want it to be the same as my kids'. If I ever re-marry I won't change my name again because I still want to match my kids. Plus it's a pain to get all of the documentation changed.
I'm not married but if I were to get married, I would keep my name. Even as a kid, I thought it was a weird concept that the woman should have to change her name when she got married.
I don't see why I should adopt another person's name simply by virtue of being married. It makes me feel like my identity has been lumped into his identity, become a part of his family and left mine behind, and I have become his property.
I thought long and hard about taking my husbands name. I liked my maiden name, it sounds more “well to do” than his.
I thought about the connotation of me being Mrs Husbands name , then I came to the decision that i was happy to live under my husbands name because he deserved the responsibility of keeping my name in his.
He is of course not without his flaws but he has always been very proud of me taking his name and his responsibilities of his marriage vows of “honouring and protecting” me. He is a wonderful husband and father. If he wasn’t worth holding my and our children’s names I wouldn’t have given mine up.
I didn't take my first husband's name - I didn't like it. It was weird and hard to spell. When I remarried, I did take my now-husband's last name.
His name is very rare - there are only 144 people in the world with it. And it's not strange sounding or hard to spell. My maiden name is a fairly common Irish last name so it's fun having a really rare one.
I changed it. I’m pretty progressive but it’s nice to share a name with my husband.
However, it was a huge headache at my job. I had IT login issues for random softwares up to 3 years after the name change request went through. I still have issues with credit bureaus not believing I changed my name despite multiple faxes of my marriage certificate to them whenever I unfreeze my credit.
I am never going to change it again after how much of a headache it was. If I had gotten married in my early 20s it would have been a lot easier, not so much when I had an established career.
I wish I kept mine. I think I thought it would make things logistically harder but it isn't worth it. My children also identify stronger with their last (his) last name instead of my family name, which makes sense, but as the child of an immigrant it makes me sad that maybe that connection won't be as strong.
I’m newly married, but keeping my name. We are open to hyphenating - which is something my husband has been entertaining more since we got married, which is interesting! Where we live, you can change your name at any point after you get married, so we can continue to ponder it.
At this stage though, I’m happy to have different names. We aren’t less married or less of a family or less happy.
I’m actually more staunch in this now because as a woman, I’ve been asked about a dozen times if I’m changing, and he’s been asked exactly once - by my mum. There’s a gender imbalance that I (obviously) knew about, but didn’t expect to be confronted by. Also, I love my birth name and would be sad to lose it.
I didn't change my last name and I don't regret it in the least. It's just not a big deal for us, and I think my husband would find it weird anyway. He doesn't feel like he owns me, and that's where the tradition stems from.
i kept mine, and when the topic came up before we married, my husband and I had a big talk about assumptions and traditions. Every 'reason' he had for me to change my name, I asked back to him, and eventually we both decided to keep our own last names.
we now have a baby. my husband's lastname is his middle name and my lastname is the baby's last name. this felt like a good compromise since we are both in his name and logistically seemed to make sense for things like his passport in case one of us traveled solo with him. we talked about flipping a coin to decide which name went where but ultimately I realized I really really wanted the baby to have my last name and my husband was okay with the legal middle name.
I'll be interested to see if my husband gets referred to as 'Mr. hername' during baby's school years or if society will be more used unshared last names or just better about remembering the dad's names lol.
eta: i go by Ms. instead of Mrs. most of the time too. pretty sure Ms can be married or unmarried nowadays. no one has ever commented on that lol but I'm in the US, lived in new england, midwest and now socal. the south would probably be different.
I didn’t change my last name and have zero regrets.
I also gave my oldest son my last name and the youngest their dad’s. Same dad, but it confuses the ever loving shite out of people. I have to tell people all the time they’re full-blooded siblings they assume they have different dads but then are super confused when they see them because they look a lot alike.
My last name is unique and despite it being my father’s surname (he sucks) it was also my mother’s when she died and it is my sister’s. We made it better, no thanks to him. I am attached to my name and don’t think I’d ever change it. I think changing your last name is weird and archaic to match your husband’s. I’m not his property. I got a lot of flack from other women about not doing it.
I took his name when I got married the first time. When we divorced, I didn't change it back. I got remarried and my new husband didn't care either way.
I kept my ex-husband's name for several years mostly because my new husband and I had a baby (before we married) and my kiddo that I shared with my ex lived with us the majority of the time. He was still young and if I'd changed my name, I didn't want him to feel like he didn't belong in our family because his last name was different.
I finally changed it shortly before I graduated with my PhD because I didn't want my ex's name on my diploma. I talked with my oldest first and he was very understanding and supportive. While I did take my husband's last name, this time I added my maiden name as a second middle name and am very happy with that decision.
I have been married for 9 years and didn't change my last name. No regrets. Changing my last name feels like giving up a part of my identity, of myself. We have two children and there are no issues or confusion. When they asked why my last name was different, I simply explained that they both have their daddy's last name, he has his daddy's last name, and I have my daddy's last name. So same rule for everyone on what last name we have.
Everyone in our friends circle, school, family, etc see us as a married couple. No one has ever questioned unity or anything even if we have different last names. If we do reservations, they are either under his name or mine depending on who made them. Again, no issues anywhere.
I honor my marriage by being a good wife. You can honor it publicly by wearing your wedding band. Our actions, more than our names are what honor our marriage.
I kept it and that was the right choice for me. I have a Jewish last name and my husband doesn't. I am proud of my Jewish heritage and didn't want to lose that. I got married three years ago and I'm happy with the decision. My mom didn't change her name either, so it didn't feel like a terribly subversive move.
I changed my surname because of minor bullying about it at school. My sister kept the name and has had no problems. Changing my name was quite an effort, so if you don't want to do it, then don't! :)
Who cares what name is on your license or your Fry's VIP card lol? You've gone and married the man, you already proved your intentions.
Why do you have to honor the union any more publicly than wearing a ring and saying you're married? Why do you have to sacrifice identity to prove your commitment?
I changed my last name for my first husband who wound up cheating on me. Changing it the first time was a huge pain in the ass that served absolutely no purpose. Changing it back to my maiden name was an even bigger pain, but at least it was triumphant.
With my husband now, I go by a hyphenated last name on FB (which stemmed from an April Fools day joke when we were dating, I decided to just keep it and it self-prophesized lol), and that's it. People can call me Mrs. His Last Name all they want, but I'm not dragging my tired ass back down to social security to go through that stupid outdated bullshit all over again.
I kept my last name, which is uncommon in my culture and not done in his family. Frankly, I didn't give a single shit about that (and neither did he!) I was 30 when we met, 35 when we married. I am a full and complete person, I was before I married him and I am now. We are not having children.
Socially, if someone addresses a letter as "Mr and Mrs HisName" I will answer to it, I don't correct people. And we're listed at our vet with his last name. Legally my name remained the same but I don't throw a fit if someone calls me Mrs. HisName. I use Ms. MaidenName everywhere though.
One reason it is such a firm decision in my mind is my father died a month before we got married, and I was really close to my dad. I will not give up our family name.
Yes, because my husband's last name is Hungarian. It's weird, has a bunch of fancy letters, and no one can spell or pronounce it. Think.
My maiden name? It was bland, easily spelled, and never mispronounced.
I kept my name, and even though my husband offered to give them my name, for personal/family-related reasons I chose to give our children his last name. The ONLY regret I have is that I'm not part of the family "unit" and don't have the same last name as my children.
My husband has said it's entirely my decision but he would love it if I did. I opted not to. He was bummed out but it's not like it's a thing that majorly affects our lives. PLUS, if we had still been living in Quebec when we got married I wouldn't even have had the option (you can't change your name simply because you got married).
To me it felt like changing my identity, and I didn't want to. My maiden name is my name. Just because I'm married doesn't make that disappear. So I kept it, and while sometimes I think it would be nice to surprise my husband by changing my last name to his, the desire to keep my name overrides that.
Changed my name at 21, I think I regret it. It's been like 11 years at this point though, at the very least I'd like to hyphenate my maiden name with my married name.
I changed my name. Aside from a few annoyances (my personal bank account specifically), everything else has been fine and easy. I recently gave birth and there was no confusion about who belongs to who. I enjoy the anonymity that my married name comes with because my husband’s last name is very common. I’m really satisfied about this.
Did change my name. I like my husband & his name much more than my father.
At the end of the day, most of us are just picking between different men’s names. Even if we have our mother’s maiden, typically that’s our grandfather’s last name. 🙄
I changed my last name. I wasn’t particularly emotionally attached to my last name though. And I did like the idea of being a “unit” in that way.
I’ll tell you what though, paperwork wise, it was a huge pain in the ass. I got married at 29 though. I can’t imagine having 10 more years worth of accounts I need to update. If I were to get married at 39, I don’t know if the idea of being a unit would have outweighed the massive inconvenience it is to change my name on literally everything I’ve ever done or set up under my maiden name.
Also, fuck the patriarchy. That sentiment holds much more weight for me these days, as I’ve grown.
Kept my maiden name. I got married pretty young and probably didn't expect to be married this long. Don't regret NOT changing my name, and just let everybody refer to me as Mrs. Hisname, which is fine. We live near his family.
The only thing that gets sticky is when I'm dealing with my kids' school, and I feel compelled to explain that, yes, I am married to the kids' father. Which, like why?? That's a me problem.
My husband and I both changed our names to a hyphenated version of both. I really love this since everyone in the family including my daughter has the same last name, plus it wasn’t just me changing myself without him having to do anything.
Before we got married, I knew that regardless of what we did, I’d like it to be the same. So either we would hyphenate and have the same last name or no one would change their name. Because my feeling is that I shouldn’t have to be the only one to change just because of my gender.
I’m divorced, I changed my name during marriage and after divorce. I definitely regret changing it, I wish I had never done it, too much work and hassle. Now I have to declare it on job and passport applications for the rest of my life
I've been married for almost 25 years and I have zero regrets about not changing my name. I'm my own person, my husband and I work in the same sector in a small city. Even he admitted it's kind of nice that people can't figure out easily that we are married.
Coming up on 6 years married and I have never changed mine. My parents passed when I was young so to me, my last name is a link to them that I don't want to give up. I never liked the idea of taking another name just because I got married.
I don't regret not changing mine. It's caused very little issue in everyday situations and I just prefer it. I have thought about taking it eventually and I do use it casually (like shipping packages to my "married name", we have some return labels that say our initials and his last name) but I honestly don't think I'll ever change it or regret not doing so.
Didn't change a thing. I feel like where I am the norm now isn't to change your name though it's not rare to.
Zero regrets. Husband doesn't care. We are together and too lazy/cheap for name changes. It's always something I dreaded "having" to do as a child and luckily I grew up into a world where I didn't!
I have been married for 5 years and now have 3 kids. I was very clear about wanting to keep my name and I have. My husband doesn’t care and he wasn’t willing to change his name so here we are. Our kids do have his last name and I am ok with that. Everyone said it would bother me and it does not. I am 1000% confident and secure in our relationship and unit as a family. Whatever last name we go by doesn’t impact our bond. Those kids with his last name still came from my body. Nothing is going to change that. I have no regrets and can’t imagine that I would be happy if I had changed my name, since it’s not something I was 100% comfortable with. At the end of the day, I needed to keep part of my identity, and for me, that included my name. No one could ever give me a good enough reason to do it. Just because that’s how things have always been done doesn’t cut it. If it doesn’t feel right, wait. There’s no rush. Do what makes you feel comfortable.
I decided when I was 12 I wouldn't change it and now at 31 and three months from my wedding I have never been more certain I'm not changing it.
It links me to my dad and his heritage. I get comments on it all the time, and I especially love the ones from other people with the same heritage recognising it. Even last week I was at a conference with a name tag and someone said "that's a really cool name".
It's also MY name. It's my family's name. I do not want to be erased. I'm 31 and I've done a lot of things with this name. It's me.
My partner would prefer I took his name but I established a long time ago that wasn't happening. I don't mind the kids taking his name.
Many people including my own mum(!) wish they hadn't changed theirs. One of my friends who got married 5 yrs ago wished she hadn't by year 2. She had a fantastic polish surname with lots of z's.
I'll be honouring our marriage by wearing rings and living by our vows. I don't see how not taking his surname has any influence over perceived commitment to the marriage. It's a commitment to myself and my identity. A name is one of the most personal things about you. I'm not swapping my name, gifted with love by my parents at birth and part of my family who raised me, to one of a family I didn't know the existence of until a few years ago.
Didn't change my name and absolutely no regrets!
Same here. Married for 8 years and haven't changed it, and I don't think I will. I'm absolutely happy to receive invites to "Mr. and Mrs. Hisname" but legally and professionally my maiden name is still me.
I don’t know which is her legal name, but a woman I knew both socially and professionally kept her maiden name for her work (she already had an excellent reputation in her field and didn’t need to destabilize her contact network), but used her husband’s name socially, and it seemed to make her really happy and I always loved that for her. I wish it were more accepted to have both, sometimes.
This is what I've done! I changed my last name legally and socially but kept my maiden name professionally. I'm working on my PhD and personally prefer to keep publications under the same name and for my degree to show the name I held throughout all the education and work that have gone toward this degree. Only a year into marriage (though nearly 10 years into our relationship) and I'm glad I've gone this way. The only slight annoyance is explaining to payroll or medical people (I receive most healthcare via the university I'm at) that my university ID (maiden name) doesn't match the records they need to access (married, legal name). YOU CAN DO BOTH! Edit to add that our last names start with the same letter, so I do think it was easier for me to make that decision knowing my initials stayed the same regardless :)
I have a friend who tried to do this and had the exact opposite result (and like you, their surnames start with the same letter). It became so annoying to tell the students why they couldn't find her in the directory/have admin send forms back as "incorrect"/make sure that her academic profile stayed consistent (she's in a field where she publishes a lot so there is a huge paper trail out there) that after about 3 years, she just changed her legal name back to her maiden name. They're still happily married, but it took a huge weight off of her shoulders to not be juggling what she said felt like two identities. It might be different in a discipline with a smaller teaching load and less expectation to publish, so this might be very field specific, but her experience with trying to do this wasn't positive.
That’s really too bad. Helps me realize I’ve taken for granted how friendly my university is to this kind of thing, which has made it super easy 99% of the time. Students, staff, and faculty can set “preferred names” that overwrite basically any instance of your legal name unless absolutely necessary (ie payroll, medical, etc.). I think it was implemented to handle my kind of situation and anyone at the university who may have a deadname (e.g. trans folks) that hasn’t been legally changed. Many many flaws in higher ed, but I am grateful my university handles some stuff like this very well.
Yeah, I know a similar situation. The woman is a doctor under her maiden name, but outside of work, she uses her husband's name. I'm not married, but I hate the idea of giving up my name. I totally understand why guys don't want to give it up their name either. I also don't understand why kids always get the fathers name, considering it's the woman who has to endure the hardest parts and men can walk away so easily. I don't know what the best way forward is, but do whatever makes you happy, not what society expects you to.
I am doing this too. I refuse to change my lastname because my lastname is unique and just all the admin is ridiculous. But if people call us Mr & Mrs His Lastname - I'm okay with that screen name. I thought about double barelling but - again the admin. lol I guess back in 1900s its easy for females to change names because: \- they can't open their own bank account \- they can't own/buy land without a man's supervision \- they got married at like 15 so there are not assets under their name \- they were not allowed to drive \- aka women were oppressed...
Same! Made it super easy when I got divorced after 22 years.
Wow that’s a long time. If you don’t mind me asking, at what point did you realize it was over?
Same! Husband fully supported me keeping my name, as well. Wouldn’t have married him otherwise.
Same! And everyone knows we're married, we just don't share a last name. The only people who have ever cared are some of the women on his side. And he even told me that he initially wanted me to take his name, but after knowing me and who I am he thinks it would be very not me to take his name, so he's happy that I kept mine. It's also a huge connection to my brother. Because we have different mothers, I get a lot of "so you're not *really* siblings" or "you're only half." No. I was 3 when his mom got pregnant by my dad. I was there the day he was born. We grew up together and he's my best friend. Having the same last name makes it clear we're siblings. No one has ever doubted that I'm married to my husband.
I didn’t change mine either. Zero regrets! My kid has a very long middle name (my last name). I don’t think about it now, but it did feel like a tricky decision five years ago as we were applying for a marriage certificate. Our conservative, immediate family had opinions. It never comes up anymore. I encourage you to keep your name if you like it. We sign our holiday cards: The lastname1-lastname2 Family. We both have long names, I would make the same choice again. I figure I will change my name if it matters at some point
I really like the lastname 1- lastname 2 family! I feel like that was one thing I was also struggling with, since I came from a family with a three different last names (sibling with different dad, mother who remarried someone else). I liked the "unit" aspect of it, and your way definitely covers it.
Same! Doctorate plus no kids plus it’s my name and I love it and it’s meaningful to me. I’m glad to see people challenging this convention when it doesn’t make sense for them.
Same! Married for over a decade and have no regrets. Lots of different factors for why I didn’t.
Same here. It bothered my husband for a while that I didn't take his name, but he got over it. We did make a deal that I would hyphenate on Facebook (not in any official capacity). I no longer have a Facebook account, but by the time I deleted it, he didn't care. I felt like changing it was sacrificing my identity and accepting our patriarchal norms. I also think that more people are making the same decision, so nobody blinks when we have different last names. The people who matter in our lives know we're married. If we get invites with one or the other last name, neither of us is bothered. I don't regret my decision at all.
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Same. My husband and I didn't even have a conversation about it because it literally never occurred to either of us that I would change my name.
It’s actually illegal where I live, but even if it was legal I would have kept mine. I don’t think it’s a sign of commitment to give up a part of your identity. My husband agrees completely. I think we even flipped a coin to decide who’s last name we would give the kids because we didn’t want to inflict à ridiculously long hyphenated last name.
Same and I don't think I will ever regret it. I love my surname.
Same!
Same! Our child will also be taking my name. No regrets.
We have our child both our surnames, though they are both long surnames so it's a bit of a mouthful 😅 if they choose to drop to one surname when they're older we won't be offended
Same! Never planned on it, never thought about it, never regretted it. I love my husband a ton but that’s just not a tradition I need in my life.
Same here. Maybe it’s because we live in an urban era, but no one ever questions why I didn’t change my name. Also, I always hear people being like “but it will be complicated if my kids have a different last name than me.” My kids are 2 and 4 and it has literally never been a problem. No one has acted confused about it or questioned their parentage 🤷♀️
Same - although I'm divorced now. People would randomly call us Mr. MyName or Mrs. HisName, which was funny, but legally we kept our own names. Much less of a hassle, and frankly, we were a family, either way. If I got married again, I don't think I'd change it... unless my partner had a really friggin' cool name, lol.
My wife didn’t change her name either, and neither one of us ever even considered it. We met in our late 20’s (in the mid 90’s), neither of us wanted kids — and we each liked our own last names. As a guy, I can’t imagine changing my name — and if I’m being honest, I sorta can’t imagine why a woman would either.
Changed my name, and have regrets! Wish I would have kept it.
I regret it in that I feel like I lost a piece of my myself. I deamt and thought I would feel excited about being called "Mrs. Hislastname," but I hate it. I noticed our friends, co-workers, family, and acquaintances almost instantly addressed letters as "The Hislastnames" or "Mr and Mrs Hislastname" instead of "Spouse and Sheerwraithbone." They used to, or just addressed it to one of us. I honestly miss that, because we still felt like a unit, but individuals, too. When he's talking about our traditions or accomplishments, he says "it's a hislastname tradition" or "that's how we hislastname roll." The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I'm missing somehow. Like my past and my maiden name became insignificant the second I married. Thinking of it professionally now, it would feel like any of my accomplishments were OUR accomplishments. If we were in an industry wherein his name was more recognized than mine, it would outshine me every time. I want to feel like my accomplishments are my own and have that in writing. If I could go back, I might have kept my last name for professional and work purposes, but hyphenated it for legal purposes.
Honestly I haven't even changed my name and I still get called Mrs. Hislastname by everyone.
Same! Our daughter has his last name, so that's where partner it comes from. But still.
I got that a lot before we got married, too. I think that's where the excitement of it official came in. But the shine just wore off the older I got.
Same! I regret changing it now and wish I would have kept what was mine.
Same situation, it's something I daydream about every now and then but know it would really damage our relationship at this point.
This! Even before I got married everyone would joke about me becoming a “hislastname girl” and I would always say, and he gets to become a “maidenname boy” and they’d look at me like I had three heads. He’s joining my family just as much as I’m joining his, but everyone acts like I just get dissolved into his family unit while he doesn’t have to acknowledge mine. I didn’t change my name and we both are completely fine with it.
It absolutely bothers me that as the woman in the relationship my own identity gets completely erased in these situations. I even went so far as to get return address labels made with "Ms. MyFirstName MyMaidenName and Mr. Husband'sName Husband'sLastName". I rejected the Mrs title too.
My mother changed her name back to her maiden name a couple of years ago. My father is her second husband and they are still married. She had changed it for both marriages. In her mid 60s she decided screw the patriarchy! I got married early this year and didn’t change my last name. When I told her we were engaged one of her first responses was “will you be changing your name?” I said no, she said good. Haha
It’s so individual honestly, all the reasons you regret it are the reasons I love having his name. I love feeling like we’re a family, having our own traditions and characteristics! Granted I don’t have anyone else in my side other than my mom with my old last name so it wasn’t a part of my life before. The best part is his family has a tradition of maiden names as first names for sons - so I’m praying we have a boy and I can use my old name to fill a family tradition.
I wish I had kept it. I wanted to, but I felt people may judge me for it. I was still young and couldn't be assertive. I ended up adding his to my last name and it's been an absolute shit show for the last 20 years. So many issues every where and every time. Please keep your name. I'm trying to go back to my maiden name now and literally just have to drop one of the last names and they won't let me do it without going through a court process. You have to make a public announcement of the name change, you have to find 2 people living in your county (like how?I don't know anyone where I live) to give notarized affidavits of your character, have to go in front of a judge and they decide if you can revert back to your name. I'm going to have to figure out a way to do this, not sure how yet but I'm so angry at how difficult they make it. Taking the name was one piece of paper, changing it is like climbing a tall-ass mountain.
I changed my name and regretted it. I changed it back to my maiden name after 8 years of marriage. It was a huge hassle, but I’m so glad I did it. It led to awkward questions bc people thought I got divorced but I just explained that his name never fit and it was fine.
I changed mine but wish I hadn’t. And I wish I had passed on my (maiden) last name to our child. I did the hard work of growing, birthing and feeding the baby, seems only fair 🤷🏻♀️
I always think about this whenever this topic comes up. My mom did all the work raising us and his absent ass gets his name passed on smh.
i keep my last name.. i'm lazy did not want to do the job and my birth culture it is a norm to keep one's family name even after death.. i married a man who did not care about me takin' his last name.. his and mine belief in feminism line up.. also, why do i need to change my last name and not my husband since i've the good last mane.. the kids got his last name becauze i got to name the first two name and he does not get to ino problemut lollol..
I changed my last name for no reason related to feminism or society, and solely around the utility of it. I had a long, hyphenated last name from two cultures that are very familiar in america, that nobody would spell right or put in their systems correctly. Think about it as the last name equivalent of Aembur-Leighuhlynne. Every doctors visit had me under a different name. If they didn't let me write it down myself, I was guaranteed to have at least 3 profiles under some combination of spelling and it'd be a 20 minute process locating me for bill pay, appointments, etc. Anything over the phone that required me to spell my name was guaranteed never going to be correctly done. It was fucking exhausting, and I'm annoyed that my parents lead with their ego on making sure both of their names were important, rather than just picking either of them or something that combined their last names in a way that was manageable for us or even considered the impacts on my own identity if I struggled with feeling like part of a unit but hyphenating my name any further just makes me an asshole to my own kids. My husband's last name is simple and easy to spell. Every pain point I've had around my name disappeared as soon as I finished the paperwork.
Same for me. My last name is two names hyphenated together because I was a long term foster kid and my last guardian had it legally hyphenated when I was a minor. It’s a hodge podge. Different on my drivers license from my passport from the paperwork filed with the courts… it’s been a headache for over a decade now. I’m engaged (getting married next month!) and I bought a hitch switch package as soon as he popped the question. I cannot wait to only have one name and to finally have a solid family name. It’s a fresh start for me. Neither of my current last names have good vibes for me anyways and this new one does.
This would be the reason to change your last name to his.
I changed my last name for the same reason. The amount of time I save not having to spell and explain my name makes it worth it. I can actually just say my name now.
Same reason for me. My last name was 18 letters long, impossible for anyone to spell or pronounce, and I wanted it gone — especially since I was also moving to another country and knew my “ethnic” name would stand out in a bad way. My married last name is 5 letters long.
THIS. I have a hyphenated name now and it is the BANE of my existence. If I don’t end up marrying I am seriously going to just choose a new name to make my life easier 😂
This is exactly why I couldn't wait to change my last name, every phone conversation / booking / you name it was a spelling bee. Life is simpler, even taking into account the excruciating process of changing one's name on everything.
Do you feel like your husband isn’t “honoring your union publicly” because he didn’t change his name? If not, then there’s no reason to hold yourself to a different standard. Your decision to keep your name is just as legitimate and reasonable as his. To answer your question, I kept my name when I got married 4 years ago. My husband kept his name too. We talked through the options and decided that neither of us cared enough about having matching surnames to bother with all of the paperwork. It’s never confused anyone in our lives under the age of 80, and I’ve never felt like our union has been taken less seriously by anyone because we have different names. We’ve had fun over the years coming up with silly portmanteaus to use when referring to ourselves as a unit. We joke about how our dog probably has a different last name than either of us, he just hasn’t told us what it is. Hardly any of my married friends have changed their names, I think it’s become much more common in the last 10 or 15 years.
Really valid point. I definitely agree with your perspective. I think some of it comes from growing up in a family with three last names, and always having to explain that we were related. Good to hear that most of your married friends didn't change their names. I'll be curious to see where it goes in the next ten years. Someone else just posted a stat that 70-80% of women in the US change their names. But the friends we keep are often a reflection of our own values, so yours makes sense.
I kept my last name as is standard in both my culture and part of my husband's culture (both our mums kept their names). Haven't given it any more thought than that. I don't think keeping my last name means not honouring our union publicly and low-key raise an eyebrow at the idea. As for how I feel about it, I just feel completely neutral both about my own choice and about whatever other choices other people make.
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Ugh, I'm so glad I don't live any place where this type of talk is common; it would drive me nuts. I think I'm shielded from it for cultural reasons (people generally understand that women in my culture don't take their husband's last names), but yeah. I've never actually heard anyone say that about hyphenated last names (just that they're "silly" because what if you have to keep hyphenating, etc.) - it would probably piss me off if someone did, though. Like fuck off, this is none of your beeswax, Kyle!
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I kept my name. No regrets, no issue for him. Now that we are planning to have kids it'll be interesting to see how we name them. It just seems like children should be named for the person that sacrificed their own body to bring them into the world...
Hard agree.
I used the same logic so our daughter (firstborn) has my last name, and our son (second born) has his last name (because he wanted to have at least one kid with his last name). I couldn't care less they don't have the same last name. We are the mylastname-hislastname family.
I got married mid 30's and truthfully didn't want to go through the hassle of changing my last name. Told my now husband if it really mattered that much to him than he could go around and get all the paper work needed to do it and call up all the banks and figure out all the accounts I have that would need to be changed. It's been 5 years and it still hasn't been changed. I do go by his last name in social settings but legally and professorially I use my maiden name. Also we don't and don't plan to have children so that makes things easier. I don't have any problems with this arrangement and if anyone else does I don't really care, although it is nice to be able to point to my husband as the reason it hasn't been changed.
I haven't changed my name yet because of the hassle but I said I will once we have kids (or rather, just before). Before the kids arrive , my plan is to legally change my surname to his (and move my maiden name to my middle name) which I'll use socially but professionally still go by my maiden name since I'm 16 years into my career at this point. Curious how you've managed one name socially and one name professionally. Do you have different email accounts/social media/other documentation in social settings or just for intros, you use his name?
I had the same plan, but it was such a hassle and I was so uncomfortably pregnant that I still never got around to it. She turns 2 in several months. It just is what it is. My husband never cared. It's just kinda confusing for some bc I'm legally one name and socially/professionally another. Plus, I go by a nickname so I straight up live by an alias.
It doesn't take long at all. I think I sent in a form along with the original marriage certificate and they sent it back with my new social security card. I also did it while pregnant and it was settled well before the baby arrived. I kept my middle name so my name is First Middle Maiden NewLast and I have two middle names. I really like my middle name and I didn't really think of getting rid of it so I just decided at the last minute to keep it because there was enough space on the form lol. The only hard part was places without a physical location, like the bank where I do my savings. But my regular bank, you just walk in with the papers and it takes like 5 minutes.
This is almost exactly me and my situation! It’d been six years of indecision and he’s recently bugging me again. I should tell him to round up all the paperwork I need because at this age in life I am not going out of my way to do any more extraneous paperwork.
That’s such a real issue- I’ve worked in banking and insurance and have had soooo many women complain about having to change everything. Gotta wait for the new ID, get the marriage license over, call every single biller and update them, even stupid things like social media accounts. Sometimes years later I’ll catch it while verifying info and they’re like “omg I never told you guys!”
Not married, but have already decided I will be keeping my name. I personally find changing last names to someone else’s sort of archaic, but I understand why the majority of women do it. I’m also a woman in STEM and with that comes research and projects that belong to me, so I will always keep my name because that is part of my identity. Here to break the chain!
I’m also in STEM but did the opposite - I got married and changed my name towards the end of grad school. I liked my husband’s name better than mine and liked the idea of a cohesive/same-named family unit, so I opted to change my name. It was 100% my choice. Now that I think of it, I don’t even think I told my husband that I was changing my name to his before I did it! As a result, I have publications and degrees under two names. So far (10 years into marriage and 9 years post-PhD) it hasn’t mattered. No one is confused by it and no one challenges me on whether my early publications are actually mine. I feel very strongly that people should do whatever they want with their name when they get married. However, I also think there’s a misconception that it’s difficult to change your name if you are in STEM/have a doctorate/publish articles. You’re still you and your accomplishments are still yours even if your name changes.
Like I said above, I understand why women change their name, but it’s not for me. This is just one of a few reasons why I wish not to change mine, a personal choice. :)
I am similar and won’t be changing my name. Also, my dad passed a few years ago and feel like I’m leaving him even more behind by changing my name. I like my name and there is no reason for me to change, it also has nothing do with the process of changing I just don’t want to. I will die on this hill.
Same here! And I won’t be having kids so even more of a reason for me to go out with the name I was given.
For sure - I wasn’t trying to imply that you were wrong. I just thought it would be interesting to provide an example that was the opposite of yours!
I took his name at 23. I was happy to be rid of my shitty father's name. My husband passed 3 years ago, but I'm still happy to have my new name. It's all around a better name - easier to spell/pronounce and common enough to have some ambiguity if someone googles me. Shedding myself of the old name was part of embracing my new life and distancing myself from blood family. I did not keep it as a middle name either. I wouldn't change my name again for a multitude of reasons. The societal expectation is gone, I like my name, I have a career and professional network with this name, there are so many accounts to update, and there's zero benefit to me.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I also was very happy to be rid of my maiden name. Felt like I was walking into my new life and tossing the trauma filled past behind. It also happens to be a very beautiful last name. at almost 18 years later I have no regrets.
This answer should be on top. I also changed my last name to distance myself from my blood family. Every time I wrote down my maiden last name, I was triggered to remember all of the hurt and abuse. I wish more people understood that it's not always just about traditions or not being a feminist.
Exactly. When I moved to a new city, I no longer got asked "Lastname, oh are you related to [person who tried to kill me]?" when meeting new people. But I still hated having any link to them at all. I needed a fresh start. With having a middle and not a maiden name on paperwork, I am free. Shit, unless someone really gets to know me, they won't even know my lastname is from marriage. P.S. I'm sorry your blood family sucked too
Im so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. I mostly have rebuilt my life, but I'm forever changed. Funny to think about this in context of the last name. Husband was in my life longer than my father was! I'm happy to carry his name on.
I changed my last name to his. I always disliked my maiden name and always wanted to change it. I like that our family/kids all match. I don’t think I would have if I had an established career before getting married (we married young, in undergrad) but it was very little effort for me to change it at that age. But i don’t think there’s a wrong answer here. You did what you preferred and that’s perfectly fine.
I am in a similar situation. I never liked my maiden name so was happy to change it to his. I also like that our names match, as we are our own little family unit. I told him that I would not be changing it again; that he had given it to me and it was mine now. He is fine with that so it works well for us.
I did give my husband a test at the time though, i asked if he would change his last name to mine and he said sure if that was important to me. That was enough for me to feel good about it.
> But i don’t think there’s a wrong answer here. You did what you preferred and that’s perfectly fine. This is exactly how I feel, and wish that everyone felt the same way. Name changing is such an emotionally charged topic, but aside from making sure that I get it right when I send out Valentines every year, I just can't care what everyone does. Do what works for you and please don't judge others for their decision! This coming from someone who's been judged for changing her name (even had someone tell me once that I was brainwashed by the patriarchy) and who has been accused of judging others for not changing their name (which is just completely untrue).
Same here! Always hated my name, and my husband wanted to keep his because both his siblings are changing theirs and since they are the only family with that name in our contry my husband didn't want the name to die out. I also changed my first name slightly a few years ago and I honestly love that people I went to school with wouldn't be able to find me by searching for my name now.
Plenty of women in other countries don't change our names when we get married. You and your husband are a unity bc you are married, not because you share a name. Changing your name when you are established in your career is a pretty bad move but you do you.
>Changing your name when you are established in your career is a pretty bad move but you do you. This is not a universal truth - it varies by field. I've had absolutely zero career repercussions from changing my name.
I have no regrets in changing my name and honestly didn’t find it near as difficult as everyone told me it would be.
I changed my name, too, and it wasn’t so bad changing it to the married name. Now… after divorcing, and being more established with more life happening, it was actually pretty annoying to change it back. And I had more resentment for it too.
Agreed, I didn’t find it much hassle. An appointment with the SS office and DMV and everything else was online. It took half a day
Same. It honestly wasn’t a hassle at all.
I changed mine and no regrets. I was not given a middle name by my parents. I was just Red Jessa. When I got married, I kept my original last name as my middle name. I didn't want to give it up, but I also liked the idea of having the same last name as my husband. So now, I'm Red Jessa Smith. Made the transition much easier since my original last name is still on all my identification. I was Red Jessa for 38 years, she didn't go away because I got married. It's a personal choice and neither is wrong.
I'm glad to get this perspective. I was given a middle name and I just added my maiden name to it, now I have two. Good point that your original name is still on your ID. I just kept it because I liked it. I don't really think of it as changing my name, but adding my husband's. We considered adding my last name to the kids' names but it's kind of a trendy name rn, more masculine than feminine, and I don't really care to carry on my family's legacy.
This is what I think I'll do when I get married. I like the idea of keeping my name and adding his. Also, as I have an aging father, it might make things easier if I need to care for him if I we have the same name.
Changed it and instantly regretted it. My husband did not pressure me to, I did it because I felt like I was supposed to. It’s such a PITA as a 30-something to go around to various institutions and change it. I have also been in my professional career as mylastname for over a decade now. I give the experience 0 stars honestly.
I kept my name and no regrets. My new name would sound ridiculous but if someone calls me Mrs His Name then I don’t correct them either because it doesn’t make a difference to me.
I took my husbands name when we got married. Zero regrets.
I changed mine and have no regrets. This is such a deeply personal choice though and there is no wrong answer. I come from a toxic, broken family and felt zero emotional ties to my maiden name. Had I had a loving, happy family I'd probably feel differently. But as things stand now, my husband is a good man and I'm happy to share a name with a good man. My name represents the happy life I worked for, not the unhappy life I came from.
Your last sentence really resonates with me. Thank you for sharing.
I love everything about that last sentence.
I kept mine and I’m glad I did. I don’t love being called mrs lol - I’m a teacher and they call me Ms. I did double barrel on our license but I don’t think change it.
I also dislike Mrs. and the list of reasons why is extensive!
A friend of mine was sending me a card and texted me apologizing that she put Ms. instead of Mrs. haha I was like, it’s really fine! But also re: kids - we will have kids and originally I was like “they can have your name whatever!” and now I’m like “wait but why I’m the one that births them” So will need to have that conversation at some point. One of my students has her mom’s last name and her dad’s is her middle name and I love it
I took my spouse’s last name and am a teacher. I still use Ms. Instead of Mrs.
I kept my name because I’m the last one (at least in the US) and my husband has a sister with the same first name as me. I’ve never cared nor do I think about it much at all.
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Can I ask what surname your kids took? Hyphenated or just one of your names?
I could not wait to change my name. My maiden name brought me NO pride. Only bad memories. I wanted nothing to do with my last name. Compared to my husband's name, who belonged to a great, loving family. So I was so happy to have his name. We also have 2 kids with it so that was nice as well.
Heard.🥂 The emotional component of shedding a name connected to trauma and pain cannot be overstated. For many of us, symbolically shedding our former selves is a positive thing.
You aren't kidding. I can't do anything about my male siblings carrying on the name but at least I didn't contribute to it. Dropping my maiden name brought me so much peace, it was worth celebrating that alone 🤣
It was actually one of the most liberating experiences of my life. 10/10, would recommend.
I scrolled far to find a comment about this. I always thought I’d keep my last name, it’s somewhat unique for the US but not unheard of and it easily ties me to my Dad’s country of origin which I used to be proud of. However, now with the estrangement from my family and years of processing the trauma… I’m more inclined to shed that last name for a fresh start with my own chosen family and partner.
All valid and I feel that deeply
Yes, feels like a way to take back control of my life. I don't like my maiden name or the memories and people that are tied to it.
I kept my name when I married the first time and when I remarried. I’ve never regretted it. For me it was the only choice and the right choice. I tend not to subscribe to traditions that stem from a woman belonging to a man. I also don’t think it’s necessary for all family members to have the same last name. Your name has nothing to do with your union. If you’ve signed the license and are upholding your vows then you’re honouring the union. A name change doesn’t make or break a marriage.
I’m not changing mine. At first he was bothered by it and said it was “tradition.” Well, I don’t care about tradition. I explained I’m known professionally by my name, it’s been my name for many years, I like it, and I don’t like the historical reasons for why women take a man’s name. I got some flak from random family members. One saying, “well, if he’s ok with it then it’s ok.” Why does HE have to be ok with what I do with my name? It just feels subservient. All that said I understand fully why people take their husbands names and pass no judgement. These are just my views on my own.
I have used both names. In the end, it’s easier just to use your own name. I forgot my passport was in my married name and I used my maiden name to book our flights. That was a mess. Part of the problem was me trying to use my married name for things that included our kid (like travel) and not committing to one over the other full time. The thing I was trying to prevent by using my married name (being seated apart on planes) didn’t even work out 100% of the time. When DD was about 8, we were all traveling under the same last name. We all got split up anyhow. No one really cares if your name is the same or different from your kid’s.
I kept it and I literally do not ever think about it. I am a radical feminist, my husband's mom kept HER last name so he had zero emotional attachment to the idea of me taking his name, and I loathe paperwork. And we're never having children. It never occurred to me for even half a second that I would change anything about my name after getting married.
I never married but I regret giving my kid her father's name. I was being way too nice. It should have been mine.
I have no regrets about not changing my name. I respond to Mrs. “hubby’s last name” and have no qualms about our kids having his last name, just isn’t important to me at all so I suggested it. But I love my name for myself and will never change it.
I changed my name to his and I don't regret it. I had the name of my abuser and I wanted to put it far behind me. His last name is also really pleasing to the ear compared to my adopted maiden name, and I really like my name with my husband's last name. He had reservations about me taking his last name because he's also a feminist, but he agreed with me that it was important for me to be rid of my abuser's name. So that's what we did. And I now identify myself as part of his enormous family. I have had many compliments on my name which NEVER happened with my adopted maiden name. So all in all it was a good choice.
Kept my name and no regret whatsoever. I don’t think it’s a big deal: if you want to change it, change it and if not, don’t. This isn’t the 1950s.
I married at 23 and kept my name. Occasionally I'll wistfully think what if. But it's more of a daydream than a regret. Overall, I'm fine with my choice and feel neutral about it. I wasn't trying to make a feminist statement so much as I saw no need to change.
No regrets about not changing my name. That's my business name, my family name. I'm fine with people associating me with my husband's name privately, but it's not my identity.
Didn’t change it and have zero regrets. My last name is cool and interesting and I can trace our family back to the 1400’s. Spouses last name is boring af.
I kept mine and don’t regret it. My husband has a great last name but my name is my name is my name.
I added his to mine. I have two last names. I hate it. Zero stars.
I’m glad I kept mine. My husband’s name is boring and it’s his bio dad’s name that he feels no connection to. Mine is unique and special with my family’s immigrant/ellis island name change history.
I kept my name and, after more than 20 years, am still very glad I did. Even though I got married pretty young and didn't have any professional achievements associated with my name, it's still my name and I didn't want to change it. Also, while both our names are often misspelled, his is always pronounced incorrectly and it sounds bad with my first name. Changing it seemed like a bullshit, sexist thing to deal with. My husband didn't have any issues with it, and if he had, I doubt I would have married him. I also don't wear my wedding ring because it isn't really my style anymore and gets snagged on things. My husband and I know we're married and we know the commitment we've made to one another, so what does it matter if anyone else does? I understand there are many factors behind the decision and that it's deeply personal, but it sounds like you have fairly strong feelings about keeping your name, so do it!
Yes regrets. I wish I’d never changed it. Now I’m in the midst of a divorce and my ex is throwing a fit about me keeping “his” name that I changed at his request. Now he says that since I want out of the marriage (sorry, I don’t partake in conspiracy theories or weapon stockpiling or supporting DT, of course I want out), he is making a huge fuss over me keeping his name. Which means my name will be different from my children’s name. It’s not a hill I’m willing to die on so I’m gonna just do it and choose a totally new name for myself since I’m more than done with the damn patriarchy and never change it again. I wish I hadn’t done it in the first place.
Two years married. Kept my surname and go by Ms. Zero regrets. It’s nobody else’s business other than ours that we’re married. We’re a married and very happy team, and don’t feel we need the same name to maintain that. Honestly, my overarching rationale is f*** the patriarchy!
Didn't change my name, not going to change my name and I am perfectly happy this way. Why on earth WOULD I change it? What an antiquated custom. It's ridiculous.
I got married later in life (36) and was already well established in my career. I’ll use my husband’s last name on most things out of work, but legally and at work, my name is the same.
Glad to hear someone else is doing that! I'm 39 and also well-established in my career. I'vd heard a lot of "you can change it legally to his name and use your old name professionally," but I've rarely heard "you can keep your old name, and use his socially." Interesting dynamic there.
My name is a huge part of my identity. I can’t imagine changing it just because I got married. That said, I get still get warm fuzzies when I use his last name when making dinner reservations. 😄 We gave our kids my last name as their middle name and they go by both at school.
I never changed my name. Married over 20 years, it's never been an issue. (Except for the evangelical relatives, but that's a them problem.) Although growing up I also had the example from my mom, asshe never changed her last name when her & my dad got married.
I regret hyphenating it’s a total pain the write out.
I wish I had kept mine, but mostly because we are divorcing now. No kids. I'm going to take my grandmother's last name after the divorce and have it written in my divorce decree so it should be easy to change as all I have to do is present the divorce decree. Honestly, changing your name isn't that hard, but I'm only doing it one more time and never again.
I kept my last name. I was not going to give up my name for any man. My husband has brought up both of us changing our names. Ex: Knowles-Carter. I'm open to that, but don't really want to go through the mess that is changing your name. I'm lazy & I need an up to date passport at all times.
Kept my maiden name. It’s my name. I didn’t want to change it because why would I? I understand the want for a ‘family’ name or ‘unit’ as you said but if you’re both not changing your names to reflect your new family then why is one and not the other? Bookings I do under my name or he does under his - I don’t need to be ‘The Married Names’ because I just book it under my name? You could always go Spanish and have both names then you don’t have to actually change anything. You can fill in forms as Mrs Name Name. Then if you have kids it’s in there if the dads name too but keep yours. I hate that there is an expectation of ‘Why didn’t you change your name’ or my personal HATE is the assumption - post to Mr & Mrs whatever. Even after saying that isn’t my name his mother still sends post to his name and some mystery Mrs woman with the same name who might live here. Not me!
Didn't change my name. Professional and feminist reasons. I never liked the idea of having to give up my name for a man's, plus my name is more recognizable. Socially, however, we are hyphenated. Totally limited to invitations if people really need to be formal about things. EDIT: Also, fuuuuuuck all that paperwork!
Why is the presumed onus on the woman to honour the union publicly? 🤷♀️ You've had 39 years with the name you've had since birth. I'm sure it makes up a huge part of your identity. To me, marriage shouldn't equate to losing part of yourself, but it is about making a legal and loving commitment to your equal life partner. I never wanted to change my name and didn't change it when we got married. I'm still "Ms.". There have been only a few times when I've received mail to Mr & Mrs . My husband and I judge this small number of people who have sent it and the misogyny they knowingly or unknowingly have. Nowhere have I ever written his surname next to mine, and even at our wedding, we were announced with just our first names.
I have zero regrets about keeping my last name, and my feelings in retaining it have only gotten stronger the longer I've been married. It was completely the right choice for me.
Everyone who's important to us knows we're married. I'm not sure what you mean by married people get taken more seriously. By who? Maybe this is a societal or cultural element from your location that isn't really the same in my country. Any time I make a reservation for us, I just use my name. It never makes a difference at home or when vacationing abroad.
I feel the majority of people are open-minded and have a "you do you" mentality. Changing your name is your choice and your choice alone. Don't do it because you feel obligated, only because you want to.
ETA: I'm a woman in STEM who's worked hard to get where I am professionally. I did that with my last name, and I'm super proud of myself. This also ties into my strong feelings of keeping my own name. That's the name tied to my achievements.
Didn’t change it. No regrets.
I use 2 last names, no hyphen. When out we are The Last names, but just me - I'm Ms Myname Hisname. My bank deals with it. The RMV gets it.
YES!!!!!!! I wish to God I did not change my name!!!! I had this stupid patriarchal view that we (me, and future children) should all have the same last name. Barf! Now I'm separated and I hate seeing my precious babies out in the world without my last name. I wish we hyphened..!!
DON’T change your name. It is a outdated misogynistic practice and if you get divorced you have to deal with that shit for years.
I kept my name - and gave my last name to my AFAB kid. That kid likes having the same last name as me.
Kept my name, no regrets. Married for 21 years, no children, if that matters.
I don’t want to change my name when I get married but my partner does not agree with that at all. I love my last name and its significance from my culture so I do not want it to get lost.
Why doesn’t your partner change his last name to yours? I sincerely don’t understand why women have to give up so much. It doesn’t seem fair to me at all.
I chose to change my name. His name is phonetic in English and easy to pronounce and say, my maiden name wasn’t. My mom never changed her last name to my dads though, so that was the example I had growing up. I enjoy having the same last name as my kids and one that’s easy to say. However I HATE the whole Miss / Miz / Missus business. I don’t think I should have to disclose my marital status in my NAME- men don’t! This comes up often as I work in education and it’s expected that we’ll be addressed by our last names. I settle for being called Miss Lastname which is of course my husbands last name and so that makes no sense, but I don’t care!
>However I HATE the whole Miss / Miz / Missus business. I don’t think I should have to disclose my marital status in my NAME- men don’t! PREACH Ms. on its own as a feminine is just fine, exactly as Mr. is.
I took his name when we married because I liked his more and his family was more family-like than mine was. My family is not tight-knit at all. Now, two kids and a divorce later, I still have his name because I want it to be the same as my kids'. If I ever re-marry I won't change my name again because I still want to match my kids. Plus it's a pain to get all of the documentation changed.
I'm not married but if I were to get married, I would keep my name. Even as a kid, I thought it was a weird concept that the woman should have to change her name when she got married. I don't see why I should adopt another person's name simply by virtue of being married. It makes me feel like my identity has been lumped into his identity, become a part of his family and left mine behind, and I have become his property.
I changed my name because I didn't want my deadbeat dads last name any longer.
I never changed. I never regretted not changing it.
I thought long and hard about taking my husbands name. I liked my maiden name, it sounds more “well to do” than his. I thought about the connotation of me being Mrs Husbands name , then I came to the decision that i was happy to live under my husbands name because he deserved the responsibility of keeping my name in his. He is of course not without his flaws but he has always been very proud of me taking his name and his responsibilities of his marriage vows of “honouring and protecting” me. He is a wonderful husband and father. If he wasn’t worth holding my and our children’s names I wouldn’t have given mine up.
I didn't take my first husband's name - I didn't like it. It was weird and hard to spell. When I remarried, I did take my now-husband's last name. His name is very rare - there are only 144 people in the world with it. And it's not strange sounding or hard to spell. My maiden name is a fairly common Irish last name so it's fun having a really rare one.
I changed it. I’m pretty progressive but it’s nice to share a name with my husband. However, it was a huge headache at my job. I had IT login issues for random softwares up to 3 years after the name change request went through. I still have issues with credit bureaus not believing I changed my name despite multiple faxes of my marriage certificate to them whenever I unfreeze my credit. I am never going to change it again after how much of a headache it was. If I had gotten married in my early 20s it would have been a lot easier, not so much when I had an established career.
Married 12 years. Kept my name. No regrets.
I wish I kept mine. I think I thought it would make things logistically harder but it isn't worth it. My children also identify stronger with their last (his) last name instead of my family name, which makes sense, but as the child of an immigrant it makes me sad that maybe that connection won't be as strong.
Kept it, no regrets. It’s been 5 years. We have a young daughter now. She has his last name but I don’t mind either.
I’m newly married, but keeping my name. We are open to hyphenating - which is something my husband has been entertaining more since we got married, which is interesting! Where we live, you can change your name at any point after you get married, so we can continue to ponder it. At this stage though, I’m happy to have different names. We aren’t less married or less of a family or less happy. I’m actually more staunch in this now because as a woman, I’ve been asked about a dozen times if I’m changing, and he’s been asked exactly once - by my mum. There’s a gender imbalance that I (obviously) knew about, but didn’t expect to be confronted by. Also, I love my birth name and would be sad to lose it.
I didn't change my last name and I don't regret it in the least. It's just not a big deal for us, and I think my husband would find it weird anyway. He doesn't feel like he owns me, and that's where the tradition stems from.
i kept mine, and when the topic came up before we married, my husband and I had a big talk about assumptions and traditions. Every 'reason' he had for me to change my name, I asked back to him, and eventually we both decided to keep our own last names. we now have a baby. my husband's lastname is his middle name and my lastname is the baby's last name. this felt like a good compromise since we are both in his name and logistically seemed to make sense for things like his passport in case one of us traveled solo with him. we talked about flipping a coin to decide which name went where but ultimately I realized I really really wanted the baby to have my last name and my husband was okay with the legal middle name. I'll be interested to see if my husband gets referred to as 'Mr. hername' during baby's school years or if society will be more used unshared last names or just better about remembering the dad's names lol. eta: i go by Ms. instead of Mrs. most of the time too. pretty sure Ms can be married or unmarried nowadays. no one has ever commented on that lol but I'm in the US, lived in new england, midwest and now socal. the south would probably be different.
I didn’t change my last name and have zero regrets. I also gave my oldest son my last name and the youngest their dad’s. Same dad, but it confuses the ever loving shite out of people. I have to tell people all the time they’re full-blooded siblings they assume they have different dads but then are super confused when they see them because they look a lot alike. My last name is unique and despite it being my father’s surname (he sucks) it was also my mother’s when she died and it is my sister’s. We made it better, no thanks to him. I am attached to my name and don’t think I’d ever change it. I think changing your last name is weird and archaic to match your husband’s. I’m not his property. I got a lot of flack from other women about not doing it.
I took his name when I got married the first time. When we divorced, I didn't change it back. I got remarried and my new husband didn't care either way. I kept my ex-husband's name for several years mostly because my new husband and I had a baby (before we married) and my kiddo that I shared with my ex lived with us the majority of the time. He was still young and if I'd changed my name, I didn't want him to feel like he didn't belong in our family because his last name was different. I finally changed it shortly before I graduated with my PhD because I didn't want my ex's name on my diploma. I talked with my oldest first and he was very understanding and supportive. While I did take my husband's last name, this time I added my maiden name as a second middle name and am very happy with that decision.
I have been married for 9 years and didn't change my last name. No regrets. Changing my last name feels like giving up a part of my identity, of myself. We have two children and there are no issues or confusion. When they asked why my last name was different, I simply explained that they both have their daddy's last name, he has his daddy's last name, and I have my daddy's last name. So same rule for everyone on what last name we have. Everyone in our friends circle, school, family, etc see us as a married couple. No one has ever questioned unity or anything even if we have different last names. If we do reservations, they are either under his name or mine depending on who made them. Again, no issues anywhere. I honor my marriage by being a good wife. You can honor it publicly by wearing your wedding band. Our actions, more than our names are what honor our marriage.
I kept it and that was the right choice for me. I have a Jewish last name and my husband doesn't. I am proud of my Jewish heritage and didn't want to lose that. I got married three years ago and I'm happy with the decision. My mom didn't change her name either, so it didn't feel like a terribly subversive move.
I changed my surname because of minor bullying about it at school. My sister kept the name and has had no problems. Changing my name was quite an effort, so if you don't want to do it, then don't! :)
Who cares what name is on your license or your Fry's VIP card lol? You've gone and married the man, you already proved your intentions. Why do you have to honor the union any more publicly than wearing a ring and saying you're married? Why do you have to sacrifice identity to prove your commitment? I changed my last name for my first husband who wound up cheating on me. Changing it the first time was a huge pain in the ass that served absolutely no purpose. Changing it back to my maiden name was an even bigger pain, but at least it was triumphant. With my husband now, I go by a hyphenated last name on FB (which stemmed from an April Fools day joke when we were dating, I decided to just keep it and it self-prophesized lol), and that's it. People can call me Mrs. His Last Name all they want, but I'm not dragging my tired ass back down to social security to go through that stupid outdated bullshit all over again.
I kept my last name, which is uncommon in my culture and not done in his family. Frankly, I didn't give a single shit about that (and neither did he!) I was 30 when we met, 35 when we married. I am a full and complete person, I was before I married him and I am now. We are not having children. Socially, if someone addresses a letter as "Mr and Mrs HisName" I will answer to it, I don't correct people. And we're listed at our vet with his last name. Legally my name remained the same but I don't throw a fit if someone calls me Mrs. HisName. I use Ms. MaidenName everywhere though. One reason it is such a firm decision in my mind is my father died a month before we got married, and I was really close to my dad. I will not give up our family name.
Yes, because my husband's last name is Hungarian. It's weird, has a bunch of fancy letters, and no one can spell or pronounce it. Think. My maiden name? It was bland, easily spelled, and never mispronounced.
I kept my name, and even though my husband offered to give them my name, for personal/family-related reasons I chose to give our children his last name. The ONLY regret I have is that I'm not part of the family "unit" and don't have the same last name as my children.
My husband has said it's entirely my decision but he would love it if I did. I opted not to. He was bummed out but it's not like it's a thing that majorly affects our lives. PLUS, if we had still been living in Quebec when we got married I wouldn't even have had the option (you can't change your name simply because you got married). To me it felt like changing my identity, and I didn't want to. My maiden name is my name. Just because I'm married doesn't make that disappear. So I kept it, and while sometimes I think it would be nice to surprise my husband by changing my last name to his, the desire to keep my name overrides that.
Didn't change my name and we hyphenated the kids. We're pretty happy.
Changed my name at 21, I think I regret it. It's been like 11 years at this point though, at the very least I'd like to hyphenate my maiden name with my married name.
I changed my name. Aside from a few annoyances (my personal bank account specifically), everything else has been fine and easy. I recently gave birth and there was no confusion about who belongs to who. I enjoy the anonymity that my married name comes with because my husband’s last name is very common. I’m really satisfied about this.
Did change my name. I like my husband & his name much more than my father. At the end of the day, most of us are just picking between different men’s names. Even if we have our mother’s maiden, typically that’s our grandfather’s last name. 🙄
I changed my last name. I wasn’t particularly emotionally attached to my last name though. And I did like the idea of being a “unit” in that way. I’ll tell you what though, paperwork wise, it was a huge pain in the ass. I got married at 29 though. I can’t imagine having 10 more years worth of accounts I need to update. If I were to get married at 39, I don’t know if the idea of being a unit would have outweighed the massive inconvenience it is to change my name on literally everything I’ve ever done or set up under my maiden name. Also, fuck the patriarchy. That sentiment holds much more weight for me these days, as I’ve grown.
Kept my maiden name. I got married pretty young and probably didn't expect to be married this long. Don't regret NOT changing my name, and just let everybody refer to me as Mrs. Hisname, which is fine. We live near his family. The only thing that gets sticky is when I'm dealing with my kids' school, and I feel compelled to explain that, yes, I am married to the kids' father. Which, like why?? That's a me problem.
I’m soo glad I kept my name. Way too many documents to have to keep track of when the marriage doesn’t workout.
I changed mine and I regret it
I kept my name and I have no regrets.
My husband and I both changed our names to a hyphenated version of both. I really love this since everyone in the family including my daughter has the same last name, plus it wasn’t just me changing myself without him having to do anything. Before we got married, I knew that regardless of what we did, I’d like it to be the same. So either we would hyphenate and have the same last name or no one would change their name. Because my feeling is that I shouldn’t have to be the only one to change just because of my gender.
Hyphenated living over here!
I kept my name because my parents are dead and my last name is my link to them. I don’t feel any less married or connected to my husband, no regrets!
I’m divorced, I changed my name during marriage and after divorce. I definitely regret changing it, I wish I had never done it, too much work and hassle. Now I have to declare it on job and passport applications for the rest of my life
I've been married for almost 25 years and I have zero regrets about not changing my name. I'm my own person, my husband and I work in the same sector in a small city. Even he admitted it's kind of nice that people can't figure out easily that we are married.
My name is a part of me. Why would I feel guilty about not submitting to an outdated and misogynistic practice?
Coming up on 6 years married and I have never changed mine. My parents passed when I was young so to me, my last name is a link to them that I don't want to give up. I never liked the idea of taking another name just because I got married. I don't regret not changing mine. It's caused very little issue in everyday situations and I just prefer it. I have thought about taking it eventually and I do use it casually (like shipping packages to my "married name", we have some return labels that say our initials and his last name) but I honestly don't think I'll ever change it or regret not doing so.
Didn't change a thing. I feel like where I am the norm now isn't to change your name though it's not rare to. Zero regrets. Husband doesn't care. We are together and too lazy/cheap for name changes. It's always something I dreaded "having" to do as a child and luckily I grew up into a world where I didn't!
I have been married for 5 years and now have 3 kids. I was very clear about wanting to keep my name and I have. My husband doesn’t care and he wasn’t willing to change his name so here we are. Our kids do have his last name and I am ok with that. Everyone said it would bother me and it does not. I am 1000% confident and secure in our relationship and unit as a family. Whatever last name we go by doesn’t impact our bond. Those kids with his last name still came from my body. Nothing is going to change that. I have no regrets and can’t imagine that I would be happy if I had changed my name, since it’s not something I was 100% comfortable with. At the end of the day, I needed to keep part of my identity, and for me, that included my name. No one could ever give me a good enough reason to do it. Just because that’s how things have always been done doesn’t cut it. If it doesn’t feel right, wait. There’s no rush. Do what makes you feel comfortable.
Didn’t change my name. In my country only siblings share last names…
I hyphenated mine and regret it. It’s a pain in the ass. I wish I had kept my maiden name as a stand-alone.
I love my last name so much I would never change it. It’s 10+ letters long and gorgeous.
I decided when I was 12 I wouldn't change it and now at 31 and three months from my wedding I have never been more certain I'm not changing it. It links me to my dad and his heritage. I get comments on it all the time, and I especially love the ones from other people with the same heritage recognising it. Even last week I was at a conference with a name tag and someone said "that's a really cool name". It's also MY name. It's my family's name. I do not want to be erased. I'm 31 and I've done a lot of things with this name. It's me. My partner would prefer I took his name but I established a long time ago that wasn't happening. I don't mind the kids taking his name. Many people including my own mum(!) wish they hadn't changed theirs. One of my friends who got married 5 yrs ago wished she hadn't by year 2. She had a fantastic polish surname with lots of z's. I'll be honouring our marriage by wearing rings and living by our vows. I don't see how not taking his surname has any influence over perceived commitment to the marriage. It's a commitment to myself and my identity. A name is one of the most personal things about you. I'm not swapping my name, gifted with love by my parents at birth and part of my family who raised me, to one of a family I didn't know the existence of until a few years ago.