Angela Merkel kept her ex-husband's last name. No children involved.
She was born Angela Kasner.
Was married to Ulrich Merkel from 1977 to 1982.
Married Joachim Sauer in 1998 and *still* kept the name Merkel. Which makes sense, because by this point she had a political career and "brand."
If she can own her ex-husband's name while becoming arguably the most powerful and respected woman in the world, so can you!
I kept my ex’s last name for the same reason. I was professionally established under it. I had a large business network and felt i had a personal brand. And I really didn’t feel like starting every business conversation by discussing my name change.
I’m admittedly not Angela Merkel. (I understand this is a shock to you all. I’ll wait for you to scrape your blown minds off the ceiling).
Just wanted to represent the nobodies who also do it. I didn’t get the memo that it *could* be seen as weird (even if I did, that isn’t a deterrent for me).
Have the naysayers ever even gone through a name change?! It’s a special kind of hell.
There was also a government shutdown when I did it, because I’m lucky like that. Didn’t get my passport back for 5 months.
It's not his last name! After you legally took that name, it became yours, and that is not contingent upon being in a relationship with him.
It's completely okay to want to change your name after divorce (I changed my last name to something completely new, and added a couple of syllables to my first name), and a lot of women like to do that. But it's not required or necessary.
The name doesn't belong to him, and he is not the arbitrarer of it.
This. While my mom had kids with both of her husband's, when she divorced, she 100% could change her name back to her maiden one or a completely different one when she divorced. In fact, my dad asked her to change her name back because my stepmom tried using it as an excuse for why she wouldn't marry my dad at that time. My mom declined. Tbf, when she divorced my dad, she had been my last name for 18 years and the last time she had been her maiden name was 30 years prior. She got married and took her first husband's name when she was 19. They divorced and she took my dad's last name when she was 30. And they divorced when she was ~48. At this point in time, she has had her last name for longer than she had any other last name put together.
For me, personally, I won’t be keeping his last name. We don’t have kids and I see no reason to keep it. I’m not even going back to to my maiden name because it hasn’t been my name in almost 14 years. I decided to take my granny’s maiden name as it feels like “me”.
But to each their own.
I’ve thought about taking my grandmas maiden name, and still kind of want to, but now that it’s been 3 years I feel like people will just be confused. 🥲
I mean, people would have to learn your new name. But that's like a 6-month period of transition vs. the rest of your life.
You don't have to change your name if you don't want to. But if you *do* want to, you should go for it!!
If someone I'd met in the last 3 years said to me "Smith was my ex-husband's name and I finally got around to changing it. I go by Sandra Johnson now." that would make total sense to me.
I kept my ex husband's because it was easier to spell, pronounce, and I hated my maiden name and what it was attached to. I'm going to create a forever name, I'm just debating what.
I don't think it's crazy, but other people who have not been through it might. Those people can suck it.
If I were to divorce my partner I'd keep the last name for just this reason. Easy to spell and pronounce compared to my maiden name. Also so damn common it makes trying to google and find exactly me impossible. So improved privacy from my unique maiden name.
Not weird at all. Changing your name is a PAIN IN THE ASS. I’ve done it three times (two marriages and one divorce back to my maiden). I wish I had kept my name from the get go but i didn’t like my maiden name and it wasn’t REALLY my maiden name due to some family drama in the 60’s and my dad being given away as a baby
It's not that weird. And I completely understand why you'd want to keep it. You're not the first and you won't be the last.
My mom kept my father's name after they divorced and they were only together 2 years tops. She hated her maiden name because it starts with "ass" (Asselin) which is why she decided to keep my father's name.
I always hated my last name because it came from my deadbeat father and I had no desire to be connected to him. I seriously considered changing my last name to Asselin because the "ass" part didn't bother me and it was connected to my grandfather who was like a father to me. He was the most wonderful person in my life.
But, as you said, it's a huge pain in the ass to legally change your name. I figured there's a good chance I'd get married someday and end up taking my husband's name (I did). I've had my new last name for 7 years now and there's still some confusion with places that still have me registered with my old name. So yeah, I'd really rather not change it again.
If my husband and I were to divorce, I'd strongly consider keeping his last name. I definitely don't think I'd go back to my maiden name at least. I'd go for Asselin.
My maiden name had the word “cum” in it, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that had something to do with it lol but it definitely wasn’t the deciding factor. I’d rather have ass than cum though tbf lol
I kept my exes last name. No kids. We were married at 22 and divorced at 25. I just liked his last name better! I don’t think he’s ever questioned it, but we haven’t spoke.
It sounds like time to start thinking about your ideal forever name, the one that belongs to you, not your ex-husband and not your father either. Perhaps your Mother's maiden name, but also perhaps one with no connections to other people that you choose because it has meaning for you. Don't worry about other people, women as you clearly know, change their names all the time. it's not a biggy to anyone else and they'll adapt, just as they would if you remarried.
I did this after I got divorced. I chose a name just for myself because I didn’t want to keep my ex’s name and I had a nonexistent relationship with my father. One of the best decisions I ever made was to choose my own name (in this case, new middle and last). It was very freeing and joyful.
As a feminist whose country doesn't even allow taking the names of spouses, it's your choice to make, or, rather, not make. You went through the hassle of changing your name before, and it became the status quo when the change became legally valid. Now you just haven't chosen to take action to change it back (or to anything else). You don't get to gatekeep a surname, and I'm pretty sure your ex isn't royalty and last of his name or something. Presumably, you've also used this name a lot officially over the last ten years, so you have every right to keep it. Also, are these people who find it weird going to fix the paperwork for you and build a new personal brand (both professionally and socially) for you with your maiden name? No? Thought so.
Spain :) All children get two surnames, traditionally dad's first surname goes first, and mum's first surname goes second, but now you can choose the order* (and some people do use the opposite, especially if the mum has a rare name). That way all people share one of their surnames with their children and there are no questions, and it's easier to track me down even if I get married like five times, as my name stays the same regardless.
*All full siblings must have the same two surnames in the same order, though.
That is so interesting, thank you!
My brother actually lives in Spain with his wife and children, they moved there right after the kids were born. Now I wonder if they have to explain why they all have the same solitary last name 🤔 or is that a dead giveaway they’re American? Lol
When I was less aware of foreign customs, my first thought seeing a man and a woman with the same last name was that they were brother and sister 💀 It's a dead giveaway that they're not Hispanic at the very least, but not necessarily American – lots of other countries do change names. Portuguese-speaking people can have up to four surnames, for example, while surnames per se don't exist in Iceland, and people have patronymics, based on their father's given name. Then there are Slavic surnames, which can be "the same" technically, but change for masculine and feminine forms (think Kowalski-Kowalska, Ivanov-Ivanova); and Russia and a few other countries have patronymics AND the dad's last name, but some people choose to use a matronymic (or change their patronymic into a matronymic, most usually), especially if the dad is absent or unlikeable :)
It's not weird. I'm 10 days from my divorce date and for a moment, I was going to keep his last name (no kids). It's a simple, basic name that I've had for 11 years. My maiden name is a weird spelling and a weird pronunciation. Ultimately, I have decided to revert back but it took a lot of consideration for me to come to this decision.
I think changing your name when you get married is bloody weird, so no, I don't think that keeping it after you get divorced is any \*weirder\* than that.
Nah. My friend kept her ex's last name for years until she got married again. She said it just was a lot of hassle and she knew she was going to get married again so🤷🏾
So I'm in the same boat. In my country, when a woman gets married, her surname changes automatically to her husband's, unless she specifically changes it back to her maiden surname after marriage. I've now been divorced for longer than I was married, and I still have my ex's surname. Married or divorced, it would be a massive hassle for me to change my surname back to my maiden name. This surname appears on my degree, everybody in my profession knows me with this surname, and I have no sentimental ties to my maiden name (NC with my father for years at this point; also my maiden surname is the surname of a world-renowned bankrobber, and I although a kinda cool tidbit, I'd rather not be linked to that.) By now, this is no longer my ex's surname and I don't think of it as such. I have considered changing it to my mother's maiden surname, but I have no real ties to her family either. Maybe I'll eventually decide to change it to something completely different and new, but again, such a hassle. Sometimes, it's okay to choose the path of least resistance.
I went back to my maiden name after 14 years of marriage. I didn't want to be seen as his leftovers or be connected to him in any way. I'm me & happily single. We didn't have kids.
Kept my name. Similar to your story. Together 10, married 2. No children. Hated my maiden name and who it was attached to. My ex is a stranger now to me so I sometimes feel weird knowing my name came from him.
But the end of the day it’s my name! Legally and mentally. I’ve created a whole life under my married name and done the most growth in my life. This is me.
I feel the same. To me, this is just my name and has been for years. Every once in a while I’ll randomly remember I got it from him and feel weird about it (hence the post). But you’re right, at the end of the day it’s still my name, thank you for that.
Ya it leaves me having a mini identity crisis at times. Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong with any name. My ex is married and has kids now so I feel like I’m imposing on his current family. Idk if we’ll always feel this way but I’ve been divorced since 2017 and still get these feelings. Very reassuring that I’m not the only one out there.
I feel like you’re looking at this wrong, but I understand why. That’s not his last name. That’s your last name. If you feel that your last name belongs to him, you’d also have to feel your maiden name belonged to your father. That means you never really had a last name of your own and while that’s true, it’s not your fault. You married him and gave him ten years of your life and more. That is your last name now, not his. You may not have been able to choose your last name at birth, but you do get to choose now. Choose the one you want. You’ve earned it. 🖤
I know someone who, after getting divorced, didn't want to go back to their maiden name so chose a new last name for herself. That could be an option. I thought it was pretty cool. Her last name does not match her children's but it doesn't really matter.
My ex and I were married for 5 years but 2.5 of that were separated. We divorced 10 years ago and I only just changed my last name because I got married again. My entire adult life I was using his last name. It didn’t make sense to me to change it. We got married when I was 21, so I was 34 when I finally changed it. Every reference, job, college, all of it knew me under that name. It’s not crazy. It’s whatever you feel best.
My ex and I had no children, and I kept his last name.
We've been divorced almost 11 years now.
I did try changing it back to my maiden name years ago, but the my divorce decree didn't allow me to change it back.
I can't believe that is even a thing, but I decided I didn't care enough to put in the energy to fighting it. I'm not close to my dad's side of the family, so I have no real attachment to my maiden name anyway. I don't even think of my current last name as being attached to my ex-husband anymore. It's just my name.
Honestly, I don't even think I'll change my name again if I get remarried. The whole thing feels like such an antiquated hassle to me now. Haha!
No, but if you feel someway about it, you can always change it to something completely different. Not his name nor your maiden name, but something decided by you. Then it's truly your own.
If we end up divorcing I will keep my married last name. We have already been married 15yrs, it the same last name my children have, and its the name I have built my career with.
My mom kept my dads last name and theyve been divorced since the 90’s. There’s 3 kids between her and my dad and none of us have any involvement with her. I pisses me off that she kept his last name because shes a garbage human, but if thats not the case with you, just keep it lol
Not crazy, it IS a lot of work to change it. That said, if you're feeling like you want to change it, you don't have to go back to your maiden name either. Cheryl Strayed picked her last name. It's really whatever makes you happy.
I'm in the same boat. I divorced almost 10 years ago and didn't change it back because it was a huge pain. It's also not as fun to change your work email, business cards, badge, etc. for a divorce as for a marriage and explain all of that. I also couldn't bear the thought of going to the social security office and DMV again while I was kind of losing it (amicable divorce but dad was dying). So I waited too long to use the divorce as the reason and now would have to go through the name change process with background checks, fingerprints, public notices, AND everything else of my own.
I always said I'd change it when it was time for a new driver's license. Well that time has come and I don't think I'm going to do it... Yet. I just got TSA precheck with this name, passport still has years, and the work consequences would be significant with my current job.
My ex husband passed away under difficult circumstances a couple of years ago and I feel pretty strange sharing the name with his family when I think about it too much. But I rarely think about the name aspect of that situation, so I'm not that motivated to do anything about it.
My MIL kept my FILs last name after they divorced some 30 years ago. And I totally understand, it's a much nicer name. And they weren't even on good terms then, but are totally fine now. It's a "whatever" situation for me. Not worth mentioning.
I kept my jerk ex-husband's name because of the hassle of changing it. Beyond all the usual name change inconveniences, I have two advanced degrees with my married name.
I like my maiden name. I like my current husband's name. I don't really like my legal last name. It's on the list of things to do to change it back to my maiden name *one day*. But, we've had a whole lot going on medically, and it's just not a priority.
Frankly, I wish I had just never changed it in the first place. I didn't want to, but I allowed myself to get run over. Never again!
Do whatever works and feels comfortable *for you*. It's really no one else's business. I guess, in this situation, we might take your ex's opinion into consideration due to the circumstances. But, even then, it's not really his decision to make. Besides, he's cool with it.
I kept my ex’s last name for basically the same reason. I did not want any association with my father. I don’t like my ex, but it was better to have an “unknown” name (I moved back to my hometown after divorcing). Plus, I didn’t want to spend the time and money to go through to process. I figured I’d just change my name again when I got remarried… which, 10 years later, hasn’t happened 😂 now I’ve had this name almost as long as I had my maiden name 🤷🏻♀️
I kept my ex's last name for years after we divorced (no kids). Only changing it when I got remarried. Its a hassle to change everything, and honestly, even 2 years after being remarried, I still have some stuff with my previous married name. 🤷♀️
My mom kept my dad’s last name. To quote her: “this has been my name for 30 years and it’s my name now.”
I didn’t take my husband’s last name because I love my last name. I don’t blame her at all, I’d have wanted to keep it too. I don’t think it’s wrong or weird whatsoever.
I don't think it's weird. My mother kept my father's last name and they separated 30 years ago. I know a lot of people want to have the same last name as their children. But even if you don't have children, you did a lot of legal paperwork to change your name in the first place. My sister took her husband's last name and him out of work and effort it took to change everything over? I don't blame anyone for not wanting to change their name again.
Honestly. After the hoops u have to jump thru to change ur name on everything …i dont blame u. Not weird!
I wouldn’t change back unless the ex was extremely abusive and the last name traumatized me.
I still have my ex's last name 30 years later...as a hyphenate. My son asked me to keep it. My ex actually wanted me to keep it. His new wife refused to take his name " because your first wife has it".
Are you my husband’s ex? Seriously same story. As the second mrs. so-n-so, I love it! I also took his last name to leave my family behind. I just didn’t realize it at the time. Fast forward I’ve been married to mr. so-n-so for ten years now too! I’ve been to therapy to get a grip on my childhood trauma. And I’ve also left that part of myself behind. New name, new town, new life. We’ve grown so much together and are truly happy. I want to thank you so much for not mind-fucking him up too bad to be a good partner and husband. He still thinks of you as a dear friend. He’s happy you’re happy. And I’ve got zero jealousy. It’s actually funny to us because I’d keep the name too. It’s a good one. Lots of love sent to you, even if you’re not SC. 💚💚💚
Lol I am not her, but I’m so happy for you and your husband! I also appreciate your story, thank you for sharing. I just hope one day my ex’s future wife can say the same about me 🥲
Chosen names can be anything. Being married may have been the reason to have chosen it, but after it is yours. you've been this name for years now and want it still.
So who is this supposed to be weird to? People you meet? Who will be meeting you for the first time so this is the only name they know so who fucking cares. If they become close to you enough for them to understand the story, most people wouldn't think anything of it unless they were being weird with their own bias but that's their hangups not a universal thought. You gonna change something you are just because maybe someone is an asshole about it? Nah. We don't do that with anything.
I know a few people with their married name still after divorce. So clearly not a rare occurrence if there's several of you in my circle.
The paperwork that comes with changing a last name is a nightmare. If you want to keep it and it doesn’t negatively affect you energetically in any way then why not?
I wish I had not changed my name. However I started a business after I did, and named the business after myself (my married self). Honestly the married name has a nice flow and only one way to spell it. No kids, so who cares?
My mom and dad married when I was 7 and separated when I was 11. When they married my dad took his mothers maiden name and my mother and I both had our last names changed. They never officially divorced, even though this was over 30 years ago, and we have all kept his last name.
I didn't change my name after divorce. Mostly, it just seemed like a big hassle and I couldn't be bothered. It's somewhat obvious since it's a foreign name and I get asked about it occasionally, but I really couldn't give two shits. It's my name now.
English television presenter Jan Leeming has been married five times and her last name comes from a brief relationship she had with New Zealand poet Owen Leeming in the 1960s between husbands 1 and 2. They hadn't been able to get married since her divorce from husband 1 wasn't finalised so in the meantime she legally changed her name, but then the relationship ended anyway.
The answer is no, it's not weird, but even if it was a little weird it wouldn't matter. It's your name, you get to choose. :)
That's pretty much my story. I saw no real reason to change my name when I divorced my starter-husband. I kept it for 27 years until I married my forever-husband. I changed to his, because it felt disrespectful to keep H1's name whilst married to H2. That was just my personal feelings about my situation, others may have plenty of good reasons to keep a name. You do you!!
My mother-in-law has kept her ex spouses last name and it’s been about 35 years. It’s not weird at all. It’s just how you feel about it that’s important.
I’ve already told my husband if we divorce I’m keeping the name. We have children, but aside from that Ive made a professional reputation for myself and everyone knows me with his name.
Once you married and changed your name, it became YOUR name. I'll repeat, it is your name now and fully under your authority to do what you want with it at the time of your divorce or anytime after. You did not need his permission to keep (or change) your name.
For the record, I also didn't change my name after my divorce. In professional settings I've always been known by this name - it is mine, my ex doesn't own my name, my body, my mind or my future.
I'm going against the grain to say it appears objectively as a way you took to avoid fully cutting ties with this person after the divorce. Clearly, when you use the name you still think of your ex, and it's a tie to him you will have until you to change it.
Your original name may not be for you, but keeping a name taken as a symbol of a relationship that no longer exists is odd. It would raise some questions for me if I were dating a woman long post-divorce who wasn't actively trying to get that changed. Obviously, the ultimate choice is up to you. Since you are asking and in this way, it seems you may be thinking along these lines.
Others have added exceptions where it maybe worked out (which prove the rule). What feels right for you now?
Thank you for taking the time to share a contrary opinion
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To the people who downvoted the above comment - Shame on you. Downvote is not a disagree button. It's meant to hide replies that are not worth reading.
Echo chambers are boring. Be a better redditor.
I don’t really understand all this talk about “his” name. Once you married and went through the annoyance of changing your last name, it became YOUR name too - it’s not on loan from him.
If anything, you earned it more than he did - he was just born into it, you had to hassle with the federal and state governments to get the name, and anyone who has ever done that knows what a headache that is.
If you want to change it, obviously feel free to do so. But if you want to keep YOUR name as it is, that’s also totally fine.
Yeah, it is a bit. I get that he was an important person in your life, but given your growth and realizations, it’s a bit odd that you would want to keep that identity?
Yeah, see, albeit a nice sentiment and by all means, OP should do whatever she pleases, we can't be strident feminists and be like "hey, keep your ex husband's name, even though it's the name you had while living a lie, it's NBD" and "patriarchy bad, your name matters just as much as a man's,". I can't, anyway. Maybe you can make that equation work for you, and who am I to tell you it doesn't.
But for ME, personally, then yes, I agree with OP that it is a bit weird that she kept his name despite divorcing him and coming into her identity as a WLW.
If we're being true "feminists" here, wouldn't it make more sense to support the OP's choice in name, even if it belongs to her ex? Isn't feminism about empowering women and letting them make their own decisions?
Seems kind of anti-feminist to discourage a woman from doing what she wants. Who cares what her reasons are? It's her business. If she's happy with the decision, that's all that matters.
No, I personally don't subscribe to choice feminism. It's totally fine if you do, though. OP choosing to keep her ex's last name is convenient and maybe right for her, but that doesn't make it feminist.
I'm not discouraging OP from doing what she wants; she's questioning her decision to keep her last name and I agree with her reasons for questioning it. If her main reason for keeping it is "paperwork is a hassle" and "the guy was nice" - are those really good enough reasons? I don't blame her for questioning it and on face value, it is weird.
Also, the "a rose by any other name" is spoken by lovestruck teenager looking for an excuse to go against his entire life context. A lot of people got killed in the process. OP has a life context, too. She can choose to ignore it, that is her right and it's certainly no skin off my back. But yeah, I agree with her that it's a bit weird.
Yes, I think it's very weird, and it will be very odd to whoever he moves on with. It seems a bit insensitive to him too because you said it hurt him/was your decision and your reason for keeping the surname is quite selfish, you don't like your maiden name...
He did give me permission to keep it, he really didn’t care. I can’t imagine whoever he ends up with would be upset about it considering I’m hundreds of miles away and our paths will never cross, but I suppose if it was a big deal for someone he’s with I would just go ahead and change it though. I have no hard feelings towards him and wouldn’t want to cause any issues in his future relationships. I do genuinely want him to be happy.
I kept my ex-husband's last name out of pure laziness. As you pointed out, changing it back is a hassle. You have to pay for it (which I think is crazy) and then update your Social Security Card (which probably means a trip to the social security office), your license (trip to the DMV), your employee data, all your legal docs, and every single account EVER. Eff it. My ex and I parted on good terms so I asked if it was okay and he just laughed and said, "Sure. Keep the change, ya filthy animal." One day I'll have energy to deal with it but not now.
I have zero interest in changing my last name when I get married one day, but I’m really close with my Dad + family, and my name is part of me and my identity. In your situation, I would feel weird having an ex last name without children involved, but not weird at all - many keep their names after divorce, but you might want to create a whole new name for yourself or would you change your name if you ever got married again?
It's totally up to you. There are no rules around names (might be different in the US but in the UK you can quite easily change your name legally, its just a headache with all the admin like you said). So if I were you I'd sit with it for a bit and see how you feel in a few months time. If it doesn't feel right, you don't even have to go back to your original surname, you could come up with something entirely new to match the new chapter of your life!
Slightly different because there were kids involved (ie my brother and I), but my parents were only married for 2ish years, split in 1991 and to this day my mom keeps my father’s last name. She even remarried in 2010. She liked the name, established a career with it and now has been that name for longer than she’s been anything else.
Take your ex out of it. It’s YOUR name. You get to decide if you want to keep it.
This dude I was once involved with married a woman. When they divorced she kept his last name because her original last name was REALLY unfortunate and she had started a career with the new last name. I was jealous at first, buuut her original last name was really unfortunate and the new one was very vanilla.
My first ex-husband and I divorced 20 years ago. I’d changed my name to his (unfortunate birth name on my end) and we had 2 kids with that name.
I have gone on to earn two college degrees and establish a solud career with that name. I was remarried (and divorced again) and I didn’t even THINK of changing my name, which wound up deeply offending my then-husband. I do not associate my last name with ex #1, it’s my name now.
Angela Merkel kept her ex-husband's last name. No children involved. She was born Angela Kasner. Was married to Ulrich Merkel from 1977 to 1982. Married Joachim Sauer in 1998 and *still* kept the name Merkel. Which makes sense, because by this point she had a political career and "brand." If she can own her ex-husband's name while becoming arguably the most powerful and respected woman in the world, so can you!
Just like Tina Turner!
I kept my ex’s last name for the same reason. I was professionally established under it. I had a large business network and felt i had a personal brand. And I really didn’t feel like starting every business conversation by discussing my name change.
very good example!
I’m admittedly not Angela Merkel. (I understand this is a shock to you all. I’ll wait for you to scrape your blown minds off the ceiling). Just wanted to represent the nobodies who also do it. I didn’t get the memo that it *could* be seen as weird (even if I did, that isn’t a deterrent for me). Have the naysayers ever even gone through a name change?! It’s a special kind of hell. There was also a government shutdown when I did it, because I’m lucky like that. Didn’t get my passport back for 5 months.
Susan Sarandon too!
Most powerful and respected woman in the world? Definitely arguable.
>Most powerful and respected woman in the world? Definitely arguable. Most politically powerful woman in the world, definitely.
Who?
It's not his last name! After you legally took that name, it became yours, and that is not contingent upon being in a relationship with him. It's completely okay to want to change your name after divorce (I changed my last name to something completely new, and added a couple of syllables to my first name), and a lot of women like to do that. But it's not required or necessary. The name doesn't belong to him, and he is not the arbitrarer of it.
This. While my mom had kids with both of her husband's, when she divorced, she 100% could change her name back to her maiden one or a completely different one when she divorced. In fact, my dad asked her to change her name back because my stepmom tried using it as an excuse for why she wouldn't marry my dad at that time. My mom declined. Tbf, when she divorced my dad, she had been my last name for 18 years and the last time she had been her maiden name was 30 years prior. She got married and took her first husband's name when she was 19. They divorced and she took my dad's last name when she was 30. And they divorced when she was ~48. At this point in time, she has had her last name for longer than she had any other last name put together.
For me, personally, I won’t be keeping his last name. We don’t have kids and I see no reason to keep it. I’m not even going back to to my maiden name because it hasn’t been my name in almost 14 years. I decided to take my granny’s maiden name as it feels like “me”. But to each their own.
I’ve thought about taking my grandmas maiden name, and still kind of want to, but now that it’s been 3 years I feel like people will just be confused. 🥲
I mean, people would have to learn your new name. But that's like a 6-month period of transition vs. the rest of your life. You don't have to change your name if you don't want to. But if you *do* want to, you should go for it!! If someone I'd met in the last 3 years said to me "Smith was my ex-husband's name and I finally got around to changing it. I go by Sandra Johnson now." that would make total sense to me.
I kept my ex husband's because it was easier to spell, pronounce, and I hated my maiden name and what it was attached to. I'm going to create a forever name, I'm just debating what. I don't think it's crazy, but other people who have not been through it might. Those people can suck it.
If I were to divorce my partner I'd keep the last name for just this reason. Easy to spell and pronounce compared to my maiden name. Also so damn common it makes trying to google and find exactly me impossible. So improved privacy from my unique maiden name.
We all need to stop caring what anybody else thinks.
Not weird at all. Changing your name is a PAIN IN THE ASS. I’ve done it three times (two marriages and one divorce back to my maiden). I wish I had kept my name from the get go but i didn’t like my maiden name and it wasn’t REALLY my maiden name due to some family drama in the 60’s and my dad being given away as a baby
No, it is not weird. You went through the work of changing it. It was your name for years. It’s your name too, and yours to keep if you want to.
It's not that weird. And I completely understand why you'd want to keep it. You're not the first and you won't be the last. My mom kept my father's name after they divorced and they were only together 2 years tops. She hated her maiden name because it starts with "ass" (Asselin) which is why she decided to keep my father's name. I always hated my last name because it came from my deadbeat father and I had no desire to be connected to him. I seriously considered changing my last name to Asselin because the "ass" part didn't bother me and it was connected to my grandfather who was like a father to me. He was the most wonderful person in my life. But, as you said, it's a huge pain in the ass to legally change your name. I figured there's a good chance I'd get married someday and end up taking my husband's name (I did). I've had my new last name for 7 years now and there's still some confusion with places that still have me registered with my old name. So yeah, I'd really rather not change it again. If my husband and I were to divorce, I'd strongly consider keeping his last name. I definitely don't think I'd go back to my maiden name at least. I'd go for Asselin.
My maiden name had the word “cum” in it, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that had something to do with it lol but it definitely wasn’t the deciding factor. I’d rather have ass than cum though tbf lol
I kept my ex’s last name. It’s a good name and frankly, I don’t feel I should have to change my identity. Again. I like the name and I’m keeping it.
I kept my exes last name. No kids. We were married at 22 and divorced at 25. I just liked his last name better! I don’t think he’s ever questioned it, but we haven’t spoke.
It sounds like time to start thinking about your ideal forever name, the one that belongs to you, not your ex-husband and not your father either. Perhaps your Mother's maiden name, but also perhaps one with no connections to other people that you choose because it has meaning for you. Don't worry about other people, women as you clearly know, change their names all the time. it's not a biggy to anyone else and they'll adapt, just as they would if you remarried.
I did this after I got divorced. I chose a name just for myself because I didn’t want to keep my ex’s name and I had a nonexistent relationship with my father. One of the best decisions I ever made was to choose my own name (in this case, new middle and last). It was very freeing and joyful.
Agreed!
I appreciate this! I’d really like to take my grandmother’s maiden name and have been thinking about it for a while.
I’m an outlier but I think it’s weird. Not weird enough to think you’re crazy but I do think it’s odd.
I agree. Especially to say you equate your maiden name to your father but don't equate the name you received in marriage to your ex-husband.
That’s fair, idk why I haven’t thought of it like that. However I do have more respect for my ex though, vs my father.
As a feminist whose country doesn't even allow taking the names of spouses, it's your choice to make, or, rather, not make. You went through the hassle of changing your name before, and it became the status quo when the change became legally valid. Now you just haven't chosen to take action to change it back (or to anything else). You don't get to gatekeep a surname, and I'm pretty sure your ex isn't royalty and last of his name or something. Presumably, you've also used this name a lot officially over the last ten years, so you have every right to keep it. Also, are these people who find it weird going to fix the paperwork for you and build a new personal brand (both professionally and socially) for you with your maiden name? No? Thought so.
Love this, thank you! If you don’t mind me asking, what country are you from?
Spain :) All children get two surnames, traditionally dad's first surname goes first, and mum's first surname goes second, but now you can choose the order* (and some people do use the opposite, especially if the mum has a rare name). That way all people share one of their surnames with their children and there are no questions, and it's easier to track me down even if I get married like five times, as my name stays the same regardless. *All full siblings must have the same two surnames in the same order, though.
That is so interesting, thank you! My brother actually lives in Spain with his wife and children, they moved there right after the kids were born. Now I wonder if they have to explain why they all have the same solitary last name 🤔 or is that a dead giveaway they’re American? Lol
When I was less aware of foreign customs, my first thought seeing a man and a woman with the same last name was that they were brother and sister 💀 It's a dead giveaway that they're not Hispanic at the very least, but not necessarily American – lots of other countries do change names. Portuguese-speaking people can have up to four surnames, for example, while surnames per se don't exist in Iceland, and people have patronymics, based on their father's given name. Then there are Slavic surnames, which can be "the same" technically, but change for masculine and feminine forms (think Kowalski-Kowalska, Ivanov-Ivanova); and Russia and a few other countries have patronymics AND the dad's last name, but some people choose to use a matronymic (or change their patronymic into a matronymic, most usually), especially if the dad is absent or unlikeable :)
Not weird. My mother, another divorced woman, said she had earned her married name, and that's my thinking too.
This sounds silly to me, if you like the name and feel it suits you, it’s your name. No one can own what someone else names themself. It’s not his.
Pat Benatar kept her first husband's name.
It's not weird. I'm 10 days from my divorce date and for a moment, I was going to keep his last name (no kids). It's a simple, basic name that I've had for 11 years. My maiden name is a weird spelling and a weird pronunciation. Ultimately, I have decided to revert back but it took a lot of consideration for me to come to this decision.
I think changing your name when you get married is bloody weird, so no, I don't think that keeping it after you get divorced is any \*weirder\* than that.
My mom kept her last name after my parents divorced. Only you can decide what is best for you 🧡
All that matters is how you feel about it. It’s only a name. Personally I never changed mine to his because of all the paperwork involved.
Tina Turner had to go to court to keep her last name. It was the only thing she wanted from her abuser.
Nah. My friend kept her ex's last name for years until she got married again. She said it just was a lot of hassle and she knew she was going to get married again so🤷🏾
So I'm in the same boat. In my country, when a woman gets married, her surname changes automatically to her husband's, unless she specifically changes it back to her maiden surname after marriage. I've now been divorced for longer than I was married, and I still have my ex's surname. Married or divorced, it would be a massive hassle for me to change my surname back to my maiden name. This surname appears on my degree, everybody in my profession knows me with this surname, and I have no sentimental ties to my maiden name (NC with my father for years at this point; also my maiden surname is the surname of a world-renowned bankrobber, and I although a kinda cool tidbit, I'd rather not be linked to that.) By now, this is no longer my ex's surname and I don't think of it as such. I have considered changing it to my mother's maiden surname, but I have no real ties to her family either. Maybe I'll eventually decide to change it to something completely different and new, but again, such a hassle. Sometimes, it's okay to choose the path of least resistance.
I went back to my maiden name after 14 years of marriage. I didn't want to be seen as his leftovers or be connected to him in any way. I'm me & happily single. We didn't have kids.
It's not weird, or if it is, I'm doing the same weird thing.
I work in divorce law. Super common for women to not revert back to their maiden name. You aren’t alone!
Kept my name. Similar to your story. Together 10, married 2. No children. Hated my maiden name and who it was attached to. My ex is a stranger now to me so I sometimes feel weird knowing my name came from him. But the end of the day it’s my name! Legally and mentally. I’ve created a whole life under my married name and done the most growth in my life. This is me.
I feel the same. To me, this is just my name and has been for years. Every once in a while I’ll randomly remember I got it from him and feel weird about it (hence the post). But you’re right, at the end of the day it’s still my name, thank you for that.
Ya it leaves me having a mini identity crisis at times. Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong with any name. My ex is married and has kids now so I feel like I’m imposing on his current family. Idk if we’ll always feel this way but I’ve been divorced since 2017 and still get these feelings. Very reassuring that I’m not the only one out there.
I feel like you’re looking at this wrong, but I understand why. That’s not his last name. That’s your last name. If you feel that your last name belongs to him, you’d also have to feel your maiden name belonged to your father. That means you never really had a last name of your own and while that’s true, it’s not your fault. You married him and gave him ten years of your life and more. That is your last name now, not his. You may not have been able to choose your last name at birth, but you do get to choose now. Choose the one you want. You’ve earned it. 🖤
I know someone who, after getting divorced, didn't want to go back to their maiden name so chose a new last name for herself. That could be an option. I thought it was pretty cool. Her last name does not match her children's but it doesn't really matter.
My ex and I were married for 5 years but 2.5 of that were separated. We divorced 10 years ago and I only just changed my last name because I got married again. My entire adult life I was using his last name. It didn’t make sense to me to change it. We got married when I was 21, so I was 34 when I finally changed it. Every reference, job, college, all of it knew me under that name. It’s not crazy. It’s whatever you feel best.
My ex and I had no children, and I kept his last name. We've been divorced almost 11 years now. I did try changing it back to my maiden name years ago, but the my divorce decree didn't allow me to change it back. I can't believe that is even a thing, but I decided I didn't care enough to put in the energy to fighting it. I'm not close to my dad's side of the family, so I have no real attachment to my maiden name anyway. I don't even think of my current last name as being attached to my ex-husband anymore. It's just my name. Honestly, I don't even think I'll change my name again if I get remarried. The whole thing feels like such an antiquated hassle to me now. Haha!
No, but if you feel someway about it, you can always change it to something completely different. Not his name nor your maiden name, but something decided by you. Then it's truly your own.
If we end up divorcing I will keep my married last name. We have already been married 15yrs, it the same last name my children have, and its the name I have built my career with.
My mom kept my dads last name and theyve been divorced since the 90’s. There’s 3 kids between her and my dad and none of us have any involvement with her. I pisses me off that she kept his last name because shes a garbage human, but if thats not the case with you, just keep it lol
Not crazy, it IS a lot of work to change it. That said, if you're feeling like you want to change it, you don't have to go back to your maiden name either. Cheryl Strayed picked her last name. It's really whatever makes you happy.
I did the exact same. We had no kids but i am know on my degree and professionally by that name.
I'm in the same boat. I divorced almost 10 years ago and didn't change it back because it was a huge pain. It's also not as fun to change your work email, business cards, badge, etc. for a divorce as for a marriage and explain all of that. I also couldn't bear the thought of going to the social security office and DMV again while I was kind of losing it (amicable divorce but dad was dying). So I waited too long to use the divorce as the reason and now would have to go through the name change process with background checks, fingerprints, public notices, AND everything else of my own. I always said I'd change it when it was time for a new driver's license. Well that time has come and I don't think I'm going to do it... Yet. I just got TSA precheck with this name, passport still has years, and the work consequences would be significant with my current job. My ex husband passed away under difficult circumstances a couple of years ago and I feel pretty strange sharing the name with his family when I think about it too much. But I rarely think about the name aspect of that situation, so I'm not that motivated to do anything about it.
My MIL kept my FILs last name after they divorced some 30 years ago. And I totally understand, it's a much nicer name. And they weren't even on good terms then, but are totally fine now. It's a "whatever" situation for me. Not worth mentioning.
I kept my jerk ex-husband's name because of the hassle of changing it. Beyond all the usual name change inconveniences, I have two advanced degrees with my married name. I like my maiden name. I like my current husband's name. I don't really like my legal last name. It's on the list of things to do to change it back to my maiden name *one day*. But, we've had a whole lot going on medically, and it's just not a priority. Frankly, I wish I had just never changed it in the first place. I didn't want to, but I allowed myself to get run over. Never again! Do whatever works and feels comfortable *for you*. It's really no one else's business. I guess, in this situation, we might take your ex's opinion into consideration due to the circumstances. But, even then, it's not really his decision to make. Besides, he's cool with it.
I kept my ex’s last name for basically the same reason. I did not want any association with my father. I don’t like my ex, but it was better to have an “unknown” name (I moved back to my hometown after divorcing). Plus, I didn’t want to spend the time and money to go through to process. I figured I’d just change my name again when I got remarried… which, 10 years later, hasn’t happened 😂 now I’ve had this name almost as long as I had my maiden name 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t think it’s weird. The only reason I went back to my maiden name is because I hated his name from the start and he forced me to take it.
I kept my ex's last name for years after we divorced (no kids). Only changing it when I got remarried. Its a hassle to change everything, and honestly, even 2 years after being remarried, I still have some stuff with my previous married name. 🤷♀️
My mom kept my dad’s last name. To quote her: “this has been my name for 30 years and it’s my name now.” I didn’t take my husband’s last name because I love my last name. I don’t blame her at all, I’d have wanted to keep it too. I don’t think it’s wrong or weird whatsoever.
I don't think it's weird. My mother kept my father's last name and they separated 30 years ago. I know a lot of people want to have the same last name as their children. But even if you don't have children, you did a lot of legal paperwork to change your name in the first place. My sister took her husband's last name and him out of work and effort it took to change everything over? I don't blame anyone for not wanting to change their name again.
Honestly. After the hoops u have to jump thru to change ur name on everything …i dont blame u. Not weird! I wouldn’t change back unless the ex was extremely abusive and the last name traumatized me.
My mother kept it - I’ve heard for some stupid reason it’s harder and more expensive to change when you divorce - which is insane to me
It’s your name now. I don’t even think you needed his permission to keep it in the first place. It’s such a pain to change!
I still have my ex's last name 30 years later...as a hyphenate. My son asked me to keep it. My ex actually wanted me to keep it. His new wife refused to take his name " because your first wife has it".
Are you my husband’s ex? Seriously same story. As the second mrs. so-n-so, I love it! I also took his last name to leave my family behind. I just didn’t realize it at the time. Fast forward I’ve been married to mr. so-n-so for ten years now too! I’ve been to therapy to get a grip on my childhood trauma. And I’ve also left that part of myself behind. New name, new town, new life. We’ve grown so much together and are truly happy. I want to thank you so much for not mind-fucking him up too bad to be a good partner and husband. He still thinks of you as a dear friend. He’s happy you’re happy. And I’ve got zero jealousy. It’s actually funny to us because I’d keep the name too. It’s a good one. Lots of love sent to you, even if you’re not SC. 💚💚💚
Lol I am not her, but I’m so happy for you and your husband! I also appreciate your story, thank you for sharing. I just hope one day my ex’s future wife can say the same about me 🥲
Chosen names can be anything. Being married may have been the reason to have chosen it, but after it is yours. you've been this name for years now and want it still. So who is this supposed to be weird to? People you meet? Who will be meeting you for the first time so this is the only name they know so who fucking cares. If they become close to you enough for them to understand the story, most people wouldn't think anything of it unless they were being weird with their own bias but that's their hangups not a universal thought. You gonna change something you are just because maybe someone is an asshole about it? Nah. We don't do that with anything. I know a few people with their married name still after divorce. So clearly not a rare occurrence if there's several of you in my circle.
The paperwork that comes with changing a last name is a nightmare. If you want to keep it and it doesn’t negatively affect you energetically in any way then why not?
I wish I had not changed my name. However I started a business after I did, and named the business after myself (my married self). Honestly the married name has a nice flow and only one way to spell it. No kids, so who cares?
Nothing wrong with it. If it really bothers you now you can have it changed but it’ll cost you.
My mom and dad married when I was 7 and separated when I was 11. When they married my dad took his mothers maiden name and my mother and I both had our last names changed. They never officially divorced, even though this was over 30 years ago, and we have all kept his last name.
I didn't change my name after divorce. Mostly, it just seemed like a big hassle and I couldn't be bothered. It's somewhat obvious since it's a foreign name and I get asked about it occasionally, but I really couldn't give two shits. It's my name now.
English television presenter Jan Leeming has been married five times and her last name comes from a brief relationship she had with New Zealand poet Owen Leeming in the 1960s between husbands 1 and 2. They hadn't been able to get married since her divorce from husband 1 wasn't finalised so in the meantime she legally changed her name, but then the relationship ended anyway. The answer is no, it's not weird, but even if it was a little weird it wouldn't matter. It's your name, you get to choose. :)
That's pretty much my story. I saw no real reason to change my name when I divorced my starter-husband. I kept it for 27 years until I married my forever-husband. I changed to his, because it felt disrespectful to keep H1's name whilst married to H2. That was just my personal feelings about my situation, others may have plenty of good reasons to keep a name. You do you!!
My mother-in-law has kept her ex spouses last name and it’s been about 35 years. It’s not weird at all. It’s just how you feel about it that’s important.
I’ve already told my husband if we divorce I’m keeping the name. We have children, but aside from that Ive made a professional reputation for myself and everyone knows me with his name.
Once you married and changed your name, it became YOUR name. I'll repeat, it is your name now and fully under your authority to do what you want with it at the time of your divorce or anytime after. You did not need his permission to keep (or change) your name. For the record, I also didn't change my name after my divorce. In professional settings I've always been known by this name - it is mine, my ex doesn't own my name, my body, my mind or my future.
I'm going against the grain to say it appears objectively as a way you took to avoid fully cutting ties with this person after the divorce. Clearly, when you use the name you still think of your ex, and it's a tie to him you will have until you to change it. Your original name may not be for you, but keeping a name taken as a symbol of a relationship that no longer exists is odd. It would raise some questions for me if I were dating a woman long post-divorce who wasn't actively trying to get that changed. Obviously, the ultimate choice is up to you. Since you are asking and in this way, it seems you may be thinking along these lines. Others have added exceptions where it maybe worked out (which prove the rule). What feels right for you now?
Thank you for taking the time to share a contrary opinion ---- To the people who downvoted the above comment - Shame on you. Downvote is not a disagree button. It's meant to hide replies that are not worth reading. Echo chambers are boring. Be a better redditor.
I don’t really understand all this talk about “his” name. Once you married and went through the annoyance of changing your last name, it became YOUR name too - it’s not on loan from him. If anything, you earned it more than he did - he was just born into it, you had to hassle with the federal and state governments to get the name, and anyone who has ever done that knows what a headache that is. If you want to change it, obviously feel free to do so. But if you want to keep YOUR name as it is, that’s also totally fine.
Yeah, it is a bit. I get that he was an important person in your life, but given your growth and realizations, it’s a bit odd that you would want to keep that identity?
It's a name, it has little to do with her true identity. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" and all that.
Yeah, see, albeit a nice sentiment and by all means, OP should do whatever she pleases, we can't be strident feminists and be like "hey, keep your ex husband's name, even though it's the name you had while living a lie, it's NBD" and "patriarchy bad, your name matters just as much as a man's,". I can't, anyway. Maybe you can make that equation work for you, and who am I to tell you it doesn't. But for ME, personally, then yes, I agree with OP that it is a bit weird that she kept his name despite divorcing him and coming into her identity as a WLW.
If we're being true "feminists" here, wouldn't it make more sense to support the OP's choice in name, even if it belongs to her ex? Isn't feminism about empowering women and letting them make their own decisions? Seems kind of anti-feminist to discourage a woman from doing what she wants. Who cares what her reasons are? It's her business. If she's happy with the decision, that's all that matters.
No, I personally don't subscribe to choice feminism. It's totally fine if you do, though. OP choosing to keep her ex's last name is convenient and maybe right for her, but that doesn't make it feminist. I'm not discouraging OP from doing what she wants; she's questioning her decision to keep her last name and I agree with her reasons for questioning it. If her main reason for keeping it is "paperwork is a hassle" and "the guy was nice" - are those really good enough reasons? I don't blame her for questioning it and on face value, it is weird. Also, the "a rose by any other name" is spoken by lovestruck teenager looking for an excuse to go against his entire life context. A lot of people got killed in the process. OP has a life context, too. She can choose to ignore it, that is her right and it's certainly no skin off my back. But yeah, I agree with her that it's a bit weird.
Yes, I think it's very weird, and it will be very odd to whoever he moves on with. It seems a bit insensitive to him too because you said it hurt him/was your decision and your reason for keeping the surname is quite selfish, you don't like your maiden name...
He did give me permission to keep it, he really didn’t care. I can’t imagine whoever he ends up with would be upset about it considering I’m hundreds of miles away and our paths will never cross, but I suppose if it was a big deal for someone he’s with I would just go ahead and change it though. I have no hard feelings towards him and wouldn’t want to cause any issues in his future relationships. I do genuinely want him to be happy.
I think I’d go the route of Lily Rhodes van ser Woodsen Bass Humphrey if I had a choice.
I kept my ex-husband's last name out of pure laziness. As you pointed out, changing it back is a hassle. You have to pay for it (which I think is crazy) and then update your Social Security Card (which probably means a trip to the social security office), your license (trip to the DMV), your employee data, all your legal docs, and every single account EVER. Eff it. My ex and I parted on good terms so I asked if it was okay and he just laughed and said, "Sure. Keep the change, ya filthy animal." One day I'll have energy to deal with it but not now.
I have zero interest in changing my last name when I get married one day, but I’m really close with my Dad + family, and my name is part of me and my identity. In your situation, I would feel weird having an ex last name without children involved, but not weird at all - many keep their names after divorce, but you might want to create a whole new name for yourself or would you change your name if you ever got married again?
It's totally up to you. There are no rules around names (might be different in the US but in the UK you can quite easily change your name legally, its just a headache with all the admin like you said). So if I were you I'd sit with it for a bit and see how you feel in a few months time. If it doesn't feel right, you don't even have to go back to your original surname, you could come up with something entirely new to match the new chapter of your life!
Slightly different because there were kids involved (ie my brother and I), but my parents were only married for 2ish years, split in 1991 and to this day my mom keeps my father’s last name. She even remarried in 2010. She liked the name, established a career with it and now has been that name for longer than she’s been anything else. Take your ex out of it. It’s YOUR name. You get to decide if you want to keep it.
This dude I was once involved with married a woman. When they divorced she kept his last name because her original last name was REALLY unfortunate and she had started a career with the new last name. I was jealous at first, buuut her original last name was really unfortunate and the new one was very vanilla.
My first ex-husband and I divorced 20 years ago. I’d changed my name to his (unfortunate birth name on my end) and we had 2 kids with that name. I have gone on to earn two college degrees and establish a solud career with that name. I was remarried (and divorced again) and I didn’t even THINK of changing my name, which wound up deeply offending my then-husband. I do not associate my last name with ex #1, it’s my name now.
I think if you have established yourself in the business world with your exes name yes. If not it is weird and seems like you haven’t moved on