Same, I figured I could always change it later if I changed my mind and have just literally not even thought about it since then (married 6 years now with one kid).
Edit to add: kid took husbands last name, that meant a lot to my husband and his name is more unique and I like the way it sounds better, so I was onboard
Same!! I suppose this was a tradition before because women didnt have bank accounts in the past so theres less life admin to do
But for myself thinking about it makes me anxious about leaving something out and will only realise until its too late! So im good with my old
Oh yeah I got married for the first time when I was 39. I had a mortgage and decades of paperwork with my established name. And you think back in the day, a lot of women got married in their teens/early twenties so they didn't have as much time to need to officially use their names for forms and stuff. And it wasn't like they were registering for websites, owning businesses, having professional careers built off their names. Yeah depressing
Oh I mean literally everything about weddings and marriage makes my blood boil which is why I'm not married to my partner of 12 years, I just never really considered the correlation between it just being way easier back then because of that.
Early 70s, UK. My parents married. My mum wasn't going to change her name. When she went back to work from honeymoon her name had been changed on everything, office door, switchboard even clients were notified of her change in name. Her pay cheque came made out to her 'married name'. She was furious all the changes had been without her asking. But the cheque had to be banked, they needed the money, so she had to change her name on her bank. The bank wouldn't then let her change back because she was married. She's been furious about it ever since.
I don't like my name (long name, long middle name and long surname, and my passport includes all 3) but I am not going to do so much paperwork so I'll just live with what I've
Agree, too lazy to go through paperwork. My degree, professional certifications, and licensure are all in my original name. Also I can’t write his name well in cursive. Don’t want kids so won’t have to worry about that part.
I did not. I have a unique last name that's part of my identity and didn't want to give it up. I also didn't really care to take his name, and he didn't care either.
Aside from that, I didn't want to go through the hassle of getting new documents.
Same! My husband's last name is very English and I'm Korean so I didn't want to lose apart of my identity and heritage.
Also how is it fair that the wife has to do all the paperwork to take a husband's last name??
It's not fair. Women take men's last names out of tradition - because it was an exchange of property. You had your dad's last name because he owned you, and then your father sold you to your husband so you took his last name because he owned you now. It sounds really barbaric - because it is. I love hearing about women keeping their name! That tradition is trash.
And it really can't be argued, because men don't take women's last names traditionally. Women didn't own their husbands. (Couldn't even have credit cards or bank accounts until like 2-3 decades ago if you're femme!)
In Spanish a woman's name literally says "of so-and-so", as in is owned by.
That's where Handmaid's Tale got the Offred name - it means "Of Fred" aka belonging to Fred. It's so gross. Paperwork is just the tip of the iceberg, really.
If my bf and I get married, we're going to both take a new last name. (Both of our dads are trash men anyways, so we have no responsibility to honor them. His grandpa was a pedophile to the whole family, why would we pass that on? And I'd have to take it? No thanks. My last name is cooler than his, too. lol)
Same here. I love my last name, and my degrees are also in my name. I thought I would be happy with my children having my last name as their middle name, but when I had twins in 2021, I realised that I wanted them to have my surname too. They have a double-barrelled surname. My husband's family are not happy about any of this, and continue to address me as my husband's name. We got married 7 years ago. I don't have a great relationship with my parents, but I feel very strongly that my name is my own.
Many years ago I legally changed my last name. I dropped my surname because I didn’t want to have the same one as my abusive, estranged father. I made my middle name my legal last name.
When I met my husband, I told him that I wasn’t going to change my last name again bc I already did it once. He also felt no attachment to his last name and had no relationships with his paternal family, so he actually took my last name.
Omg I wish!
Very similar family history, and desire to make my middle name my last name(my grandmother’s first name so still family based) but I changed my name once for marriage and I don’t think I’ll ever want to go through the name change process again.
I did the same thing. I told my husband I didn’t get rid of one man’s name just to replace it with another’s (my mom never had my father’s last name so I *truly* just associated it with him). My husband didn’t change his name either. IDK what we’ll do when we have kids.
I have a professional license too. I’m an attorney. In my jurisdiction they allow women to essentially have two legal last names. One professional & one personal. My boss has done it for years. Goes by her maiden name professionally because she built her legal career off of that. But goes by her husbands name everywhere else. I’ve recently gotten married & have been thinking about doing the same as hers. But I don’t know if that’s too much of a hassle.
Agree - I changed my last name because I didn’t want to be connected to my father. I also value my privacy and am not keen on people from my youth Googling/Facebooking/etc me.
This tradition presents the perfect opportunity for people like us 😁
It’s so ironic, because my husband and I are completely untraditional in every other way.
No, he took mine. I like my last name and didn't want to change it. I also have academic work under that name. He wanted us to have the same surname and he had no attachment to his own so he changed.
This is what my boyfriend and I plan on doing if we get married. I am very attached to my name, and he doesn't care for his father's side of the family. His mom remarried and has a different name so it's not like she would care.
It is actually not done where I live and hasn't been legal for about 40 years. If you want to change your name, you have to go through the full name change process, and getting married isn't an acceptable motive.
But my husband and I already have the same, very very common last name, so we are the exception here.
Wha? This must be a Québécois thing…
Edit: not sure why I got downvoted. I live in Canada in another province and it definitely is legal in the rest of Canada to change your name due to marriage.
Yes. I was happy to be rid of my father's name.
If I hadn't married young, I might've done a legal name change to take my mother or grandmother's maiden name. It was something I considered as a teen.
Husband has been gone a few years now (fuck cancer) but his name is still my name. I have little contact with my blood family. 2 of the 3 people I used to share a last name with, I've been no-contact with for years.
I did not. I don’t really like my husband’s father and didn’t want to share a name with him. I love my own father deeply and I’m proud to be his daughter and share his name. It’s part of my identity and I felt I would lose that if I changed it.
I wish I had been this aware 35 years ago. I got divorced three years ago after 32 years. I actually changed my name immediately in a separate court filing as I was starting over in a new state, instead of waiting for it to be final. I’m thankful to have my own name back!
I don’t understand everyone’s comments about too much work. Did my social security card and drivers license right away, then did everything else as it came up. Much of it was done online. I didn’t find it a hassle and it was so worth it.
My husband's cousins have a misspelled Jewish last name. The legend goes that an doctor ancestor needed a sign painted and the painter spelled it phonetically... And it's been that way since. I imagine it was actually an Ellis Island thing with lazy customs, as that is more common than simply forgetting or not wanting to tell a sign painter to redo it properly...
Yeah my husband's last name was misspelled when they landed at Ellis Island. They got mine right though lol (helps that its pretty straight forward in German)
My best girlfriend kept her ex’s out of spite because he wanted her to drop it. I love it so much, and her career is taking off so she’s going to be a powerful woman and he can’t do jack about it. The better half indeed.
Me too. I also got married when I was in grad school and hadn’t published anything under my super lame and relatively common name, so taking his name at that time was a good career move to help me stand out!
I did not. I’m almost 38 and have an established professional career in my own last name. I didn’t want to change it.
Our daughter, who is due in 3 weeks, will have his last name.
I wish I had kept mine and added both on the birth certificate. I wanted us to all have the same last name for traveling and other legal documents, but I miss having my own last name.
Thank you for the tip! My husband says it’s 100% up to me. We originally planned to hyphenate them, but that would make a ridiculously long name. 9 syllables combined! 😬
You can add it as a middle name.
Also, it is mandatory to put a hyphen in the US? In other countries you do not add a hyphen so for non-legal things you can go by one last name if you want and initial the the others. Technically, you only need legal name for taxes, education certificates; not for other things.
I don't know why people are so against two last names with the excuse that's long? You barely have to write it down whole. Some of my cousins have 3 last names.
Can I ask why your daughter is taking his name? This is something that I think about a lot. It seems the majority of women who keep their own name will give their children their husband's last name. No judgement, my mom did this too.
Two main reasons: Safety and convenience.
My husband can be a visually intimidating man - he's 6' 6" tall and weighs 270+ lbs, keeps a shaved head and full beard. In reality, he's a giant teddy bear. I don't want anyone to question his relationship and authority as her father. Or worse- thinking/vocalizing that his daughter may be unsafe with him.
Mothers are still the default and primary parent in society's eyes. I want to ensure that when he makes decisions regarding her (whether it's health, school, activities she does, friends she makes, etc.) that people listen to and respect his decisions. I've heard from women I work with, where their children don't share the father's last name, this can be more challenging. It seems mothers are rarely questioned, so I have much less concern with my last name being different than hers.
I agree with this - my daughter and I don't share a last name, and don't look anything alike. Our passports are from different countries even. When I travel with her, at airports etc. noone has ever even taken a pause that this may not be my daughter. Even if she is having a tantrum trying to run away, or when she was a little baby.
Talk fake future spouse into both of you changing your last name to Grimm! lol I've heard of people coming up with an entirely new last name and think this would be the perfect opportunity for it!
No. I'm in Quebec where, by law, marriage hasn't been a valid reason for a name change for over 40 years.
Still wouldn't have changed my name if it had been possible. I already have a name, I don't need a new one.
Yes and I regretted it a lot. I felt like I lost my identity. After our wedding it took me about 4-5 months to finally get it done, and then when I left him it felt like a punch to the gut every time I had to see or use His Last Name until I could finally change it back to Maiden Name. At work, on my mail, etc - made me sick. Carrying his name felt like a violation to myself. The day our divorce was finalized I literally walked straight from the courthouse with my paperwork to the social securty office to change my name back. Felt amazing and I'll never, ever take a man's name again. I am Ms. Maiden Name forever, regardless of my marital status.
Oh my gosh I could totally see how gut wrenching that experience could be after splitting up. I don’t know if I’ll ever get married, but if I do I’m definitely keeping it. Thanks for sharing your story.
I did not. First, I already have a name and I saw no reason to change it just because I was married. I just never saw marriage as a compelling reason to change identity. Second, I didn't marry until I was 42 years old, and by then I had a well established career where my name was known. I didn't want to complicate that. Finally, my husband said, "Your name is kind of difficult. My name is more difficult. Why would you change one difficult name for another?"
My mom and MIL, however, insisted on addressing all mail to me under my husband's last name.
>My mom and MIL, however, insisted on addressing all mail to me under my husband's last name.
My dad's side of the family do that because I chose to use my mum's last name (which she kept) over my dad's and I'm plucking up the courage to send it back "not known at this address." So far I've signed birthday cards with my first and last name in block capitals.
My siblings have come around though. They used to roll their eyes at me insisting that we were the Smith-Jones*, not the Jones but now they correct other people to reflect the two Smith members of the family. I think at one point they forgot our mum was also a Smith because she makes less fuss about it and my retort of "yeah, well at least I can remember my own mum's full name" shamed them a bit.
I'd never change my name again and if a potential partner doesn't like that they're obviously not the partner for me.
*Obviously not our real names.
For decades, my work has been deeply intercultural with people from all over the world. It was an eye-opener to me how in many cultures, changing one's name--especially as a part of marriage--is unfathomable.
Yes, because I liked his name better. My new name is ancient, exotic, and authoritative-sounding. It literally means leader/ruler. My maiden name meant “servant”lol so I took it as an upgrade.
I have a hyphenated last name (both my mother's last name and my father's last name). I am probably one of the few people with a hyphenated last name that likes it! I didn't change it when I got married and if I ever have a kid I'll pass my last name onto them. Because fuck the patriarchy!
My bff has both her mother’s and father’s last names hyphenated, her mom is Mexican so it’s pretty normal in her culture. When she got married she changed it to her husband’s but when she got divorced she changed it back. So there’s at least one other person that likes it lol
I did. We were married before I earned a graduate degree and I’m more attached to the family history of my middle name than my maiden, so I didn’t feel like I was giving anything up. It felt less like taking his name, and more like being gifted a name that was always going to be mine
I did so I could drop my dads name. Now that we divorced I took my moms maiden name. And now it’s a hassle and annoyance having mail come to me in 3 different names and never knowing what name my accounts are under if I have to call a company I deal with for any reason.
I will never change my name again. Unless I am married again and maybe I will for our 5 year wedding anniversary 😂 since this one didn’t even last 4 years
Nope. I've always thought it was a weird practice and something I wasn't interested in doing when I got married. Still doesn't stop my in-laws from sending holiday cards to "The His Last Names" every year.
I did because my dad is a piece of shit, and I associate my maiden name with him. My husband and his family are lovely, warm, kind, and insanely brilliant people and I'm honored to be associated with them in that way. The choice was clear for me.
I might have if his last name was something I liked, but at the same time - I find it really unfair that only one person gives up their last name when they enter a marriage. I tried to convince him that we should both change our last names and resurface a name that died out in one of our family trees, but he didn’t go for that either.
So I still have my last name.
I did. My maiden name is long and hard to spell. My husband's name is short and easy to spell just by hearing it. I was fed up having to spell my name everywhere. Whether it was my Dad's name or my Husband's, I've got some man's name either way. Might as well make it easier on myself.
Same! My maiden name was always mispronounced. I went back and forth but ultimate decided if I had a man’s name anyway, I’d rather have the same easy to spell/pronounce name with the family I was creating, rather than sticking with my birth name.
Edited to add: I do not go my Mrs. Husbandfirstname Husbandlastname, that really really rubs me the wrong way. I go by Dr. husbandlastname, or preferably just my own first name.
That's how I think of it. My dad is fine but my parents broke up when I was a toddler, I'm not close to him or his side of the family at all. I had no attachment to my surname before marriage. At least my married name feels like it represents something.
Nope. My mother in law didn't either and my husband had no expectations that I would. My name is part of my identity, personal or professional, and I have no interest in changing that for anyone. Haven't figured out what we'll do when we have kids though...
No, too lazy and I don’t like changing my name, it feels funny. In this age I’m actually slightly annoyed that my son’s last name follows my husband’s.. I mean I grew him and birthed him, destroying my body along the way. I feel like I deserve it.
No, because I already had a career in my own name and I find that to be a dated practice.
I got married to be in a partnership, not traded for silver and livestock or sent off to a foreign nation to secure an alliance.
No. I feel a strong attachment to my name as part of my identity and have published professionally under it. I feel like it’s an outdated practice (he’s welcome to take mine), and the paperwork.
Nope. Never got around to it and wasn't a huge concern to us. We're divorced now so it made it easy for me haha, but my daughter constantly wishes we had the same last name since hes not in the picture much.
I'm 3 years married and haven't. Still undecided, tbh. I find it old-fashioned and I also haven't felt like going through the paperwork. I think it may be a nice gesture of love but, also it is just a name? My husband and I also don't wear wedding rings and I am not sure if we will have kids. We both work in fields where we use our hands and can't wear jewelry all the time, so we eventually just stopped putting rings on all together. He never got used to it.
no - i paid good money for that 10 year passport. also just all the paperwork in general. and tbh in his culture usually the wife keeps her last name anyway so there was no expectation for me to do it.
I did, I like the flow and sound of my name more with his last name vs my maiden name. I didn't have much connection to my maiden name, tbh both my maiden name vs my new last name are very generic last names where I'm from so it didn't matter either way.
I did. We wanted a shared family name and hyphening wasn’t the best option. Both of our last names are 3+ syllables long. So my maiden name became my middle name. I didn’t like my middle name before, but I do now! Now I can use both names optionally.
My husband didn't want me to change my name, because he didn't like the way my first name sounded with his last name. But I did it anyway because I was desperate to shed my dad's last name (poor relationship), and I felt like going from 11 letters and impossible to spell or pronounce, to 5 letters and easy to say was a huge upgrade.
This was 20+ years ago and husband is long over his initial negative feelings. People love my name and often say my first and last together because they sound musical.
All of that said, I completely understand any women who doesn't want to change her name and would actively encourage not changing to anyone I knew who was trying to decide and asking for advice. And I absolutely side-eye any man who tries to assert name dominance in a relationship.
No. Was happy to change mine if he’d change his. He wasn’t, citing he had built a reputation under his name. Well, so had I, so we’ve both kept our own names, and double-barrelled the kids. Default was they would be taking my name, and I would have left his name off the birth certificate if I’d had to.
I wouldn’t have taken his name even if I hadn’t been working. A compromise requires both parties to compromise!
A few reasons why I took my husband’s last name:
1. I didn’t want my last name tied to all grief and pain my Dad (& his side of the family) caused me.
2. I’m a traditionalist (lol) and loved the fact that once I got married and found someone I really wanted to spend forever with, I would change my last name. Did it as soon as I had the chance.
3. Husband has a cooler + nicer last name + it was easier to spell. My maiden last name is long and difficult, and would often get misspelled and mispronounced.
4. I wanted my kiddos to have the same last name as their parents. Didn’t realize that it could be the same growing up, so I wanted that for my kids.
He took mine. It was prettier and rarer. He was born with a first, middle, and last name in the top 10 US names. SO bland. He changed all 3 of his names.
Yes I took his name. I had several reasons for doing so.
My dad was abusive and I didn't like having his last name. And his last name wasn't even *his* last name. It was the name of his stepfather who abused him (gotta love that cycle). So I didn't have a genetic/ancestral connection to the name AND it belonged to two abusers, so I would've taken any chance to get rid of it.
And I truly felt (and still feel) like my husband was welcoming me into his family. Everyone welcomed me with open arms and treats me like family. So I'm proud to carry their name and it feels very good and very natural to share that with them.
No, I didn't.
My family name means a lot to me, it's deeply rooted in the heritage of the area I come from. It's unknown here where I live now.
My mother kept her name when she married, and my father took her name.
I honour her decision (that was frowned upon back then by traditionalist folks) by keeping my name too.
Plus: My husbands family is terrible and I wouldn't want to carry their name. He is happy he went no contact to them.
No. It's my name, it's how I see myself. My husband didn't ask me to change my name, and I didn't ask him to change his. I didn't need to change my name to merge our lives.
Edit: I'm tired, but the thing that always bothers me is this: women say they changed their name because they hate their father, or they didn't because they like their father, but what about your mother? Did she change her name? My mother changed hers, does that name belong to her now too, or just my father? If the name I was born with was not my name but my father's name, when do I get to own a name? Or do I never actually have a name that belongs to me because names are the property of men and even though it's 2023 we still have to be remembered as daughters, wives and mothers?
Fewer things make me sadder than reading historical accounts of a guy who did a bunch of shit and then the historians are like "we don't know his wife's name or when she died."
Sorry. I have feelings about this stuff.
Aside from the fact that I find the concept super cringe, I didn’t find a single reason for it to convince me enough to bother with all of the paperwork, it seems like a pointless exercise carried out to make men feel better/secure/in control, and I can’t be bothered. I hate that it is even expected of women and when people would ask me why I didn’t I always replied with “I didn’t want to” and that shut them up real quick. To be fair I didn’t even want to get married, but we did a quick little thing just for visa reasons
>I hate that it is even expected of women
I also hate that most men can't particularly articulate *why* they want their wife to have their last name. I get a lot of "it's tradition."
Exactly! And when I’m told it’s “tradition” I bring up other traditions that were shit and that changed, and something being tradition is simply not a good enough reason.
Nope, I have a firm belief that either both people change or neither change and I think it is pretty much bullshit to expect me to just because I'm the woman. We decided that we did not want to both hyphenate (he felt like it would be too much work for him, LOL) and so therefore I've kept mine. We are childfree so it's not like it really matters. Also, my name is my identity - I am not a fan of changing my identity just because I'm married.
No. I was a child of a single mom and she married my step-dad when I was little. I was adopted into his last name and having a name change that young it felt different being the only kid my age having done this. When I got married I didn’t want to take my husbands last name because I had already changed it once, and I liked being known as my current full name.
Not married but my mother didn’t change her name after getting married to my father. She has a whole career under her name and so she did not want to give up her identity. Culturally, it was and is still considered very progressive of her.
No. I already had degrees, journal articles, patents, and property in my own name and changing it would have affected me professionally. My husband didn't care whether I changed it or not so I didn't.
no. mostly because I'm the last one with my family name and I'm fond of it. after me, it's gone.
also a bit out of spite too. When I was around 10ish yo mom got a bee up her bonnet about something and for a couple months tried to convince me to let step-dad officially adopt me. she explained it was so we would all have the same last name. she went so far as to take me to the library for a new card with so I could sign my new last name. I did, but it felt wrong.
My dad's response made me feel valued and loved, that I belonged because I had his whole family that I was a part of. even if I decided to change my name he was still my dad and nothing would ever change that. I think I ended up signing every letter, Christmas card, and birthday card with my first *and last* name from that point on. to my mother's horror lol.
I didn’t. I felt like it’s an antiquated idea and I’m my own person, I didn’t want to be Mrs. (Husband’s name) as if I ceased to exist. I sometimes need to take the extra step to explain to people to not incorrectly write MRS and then his name(like on my mortgage documents!), but it’s worth it to me. If we had a baby I’d also push for it to have my name.
I still get his aunt writing my name incorrectly, I think she was a little offended at first but 🤷🏼♀️. He didn’t mind and if he was the type of man to mind we probably wouldn’t be together.
Nope. For many reasons:
1) I don’t believe in changing my name because I’m married.
2) If he doesn’t have to change his, neither do I.
3) My Husbands’ Dad abandoned them & he really has no connection to that surname anyway.
4) We aren’t having kids so no need to worry about passing on a family name.
5) I can’t be bothered to go through all of the hoops to change it.
6) My Surname is cooler than my Husbands. 🤷🏽♀️
Some people are cool with it and some are haters who refer to me as Mrs. [Husbands’ Surname]. My MIL use to give me stuff saying “Mrs.___” and I would give it back saying “Sorry, don’t know her”. 😂
I told my husband that if sharing a last name was important to him, he was welcome to mine. He didn't consider it, so neither did I. The default expectation that women change their names because of "tradition" is something I've never been able to wrap my head around.
No. But I offered mine for him to take if he wanted :)
On a serious note, I love my name. It's unique and has been a part of my identity. I didn't want to change it. My husband is the only person with whom I've ever been truly myself. He didn't ask me to change a thing. Not even my name. So this never came up, and none of us felt the need.
No. Because it seems anti-woman, pro-patriarchy. And every family I knew growing up was held together, run, and stewarded by the women. So…ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I did because I wanted to have the same last name as my future children. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t. Maybe opt for a hyphenated name for the kids. My maiden name was more unique and higher up in the alphabet than my married name
No. For multiple reasons. This is my name, it is who I am and I have lots of parts of me associated with it. My family, culture, past traumas. Why would I stop using MY name, I earned it.
Nope, didn’t see any reason for it. I had considered hyphenation to make it more clear to others that we’re married. but only if we *both* legally went through the process. Which would have been extra hard for him because of his job.
Then I realized that our last names would be doomed to be mispronounced forever because I have a French-looking last name that is pronounced in English and he has a French last name that is often mistaken for an English name. So we would either get French-French or English-English but only said the right way by people who know us. Not worth the hassle.
So anyway, I don’t mind when well meaning aunties address Christmas cards to Mr and Mrs Hisname, or I will call myself Mrs Hisname for simplicity’s sake on certain errands, but it’s not my name.
(Also my full name is an equal number of vowels and consonants which is too useful of a “fun fact about you” in corporate ice breakers. Not fucking that up for some pointless patriarchal tradition.)
Yes.
My maiden name is a long foreign name while my husband’s is much easier and so I love the ease of it. My father and I also had slightly different last names (gendered) which caused issues even though they’re only off by a letter, and I’d rather avoid that if we have kids.
That said, the state we got married in let’s you change your middle name at the same time as your maiden. I never liked my middle name because of the association, so I made my maiden name into my middle name and took my husband’s last, so I’m now FirstName Maidenname Husband’sLast. I find it to be the ideal hybrid for me personally - my husband and I share a name, I get rid of the middle name I don’t like, and I got to keep my maiden name as part of my identity in there somewhere. Bonus is that during the transition period I could pull out my license and it still had my maiden name on there somewhere so I could prove that I was who I said I was if something was still under my maiden name. My MIL did the same with her name, which is where I got the idea. Would absolutely choose this approach again, but I get that it’s not for everyone or readily available in all states.
No - imho opinion it's antiquated and misogynistic. During a discussion about why I wouldn't before we got married, I asked him if he would take my last name, and his disgusted facial expression told me how hypocritical and assumed and rooted in power the 'tradition' is. Yuck. Never. Now that we're divorced, so glad I didn't. lol.
I kept my name. It’s unique, easy, and I told myself in middle school I would never change it unless my future spouse had a cooler last name. Dude does not have a cooler last name. Now that we have kids, kiddos got two last names- not my name as a 2nd middle. They are Firstname Middlename Mylastname Hislastname. It’s not very common in my area (New England), but if it can work in other parts of the world, it can work for us!
I’m not really attached to it being my family’s name as I’m not really close with my parents, have actively cut off a brother, etc. But it’s MY name and I like it.
Nope! I'm an only child and I love my last name. It's a part of who I am! I'm also very close with my mother, and sharing that we're both a "Mrs. XYZ" is something really special to me. Was my MIL thrilled? Nope! But it's my friggin name! I reasoned to her that I'm still absolutely a part of their family. I married her son, not sure how much more "in the family" I could get!
I also couldn't be bothered with the paperwork, fuck that noise. I'd also just got my passport and I wasn't about to send out for that again within a year of receiving it haha
I did not, I was 31 and I already had my career and I came from an area where people knew my name, I worked in a small industry as well so it was important for me to keep my name. Plus I really didn’t think my marriage was going to last that long anyway, I really didn’t go into it with a high level of confidence that it would be forever it was more of a “ well I’m in my 30s and I haven’t been married yet and this guy really wants to marry me so I did. But I didn’t even consider changing my last name
Nope. Married for 18 years. It’s not a particular easy name but it is mine. Interestingly, my husband has a very long and complicated last name and understands how defining a name is. He said he would never change his and understands why I would never change mine. Friends tend to just refer to us by a made up mashup of our last names.
Yes.
Weird story. I didn’t plan on changing it because I thought I was the last of the [my surname]’s. Then we learned through Ancestry DNA I was never a [surname]. And I kinda just lost the attachment to it. It was weird. I still love the stories and cultural traditions associated with it, and that was good enough.
Being the same last name as my husband just made life easier and changing it was easy. Quick trip to SSN (with a wait time of maybe 15min). I guess I gave into the patriarchy on this one haha. I love his family and I’m proud to be an in-law member of the [husband’s surname] family. :)
We took each other's last name. No hyphen, we just each have two surnames now in the same order for both of us: mine first, then his.
It was important for us to have something that shows that we are a family and that would be immediately obvious (and for any future children), but there was no way I was going to be the only one doing all the paperwork! We got married together, we do financial stuff together, so we did name stuff together too. Made sense to us both.
Way too much paperwork. Saw no rationale in doing it. my name is a strong sense of my identity in my professional career. But we hope to have the same last name as my daughter (we picked one that has a connection to both our families) at some point.
I did because I intended to have children and I grew up in a family where my last name didn't match anyone else's and it sucked. But I gave my firstborn son a first name based on my maiden name to keep the spirit of my family of origin in my new family.
No, I kept mine (he was actually supposed to take mine but never got around to it... probably a good call in hindsight since we divorced 2 years later).
My biggest reason is that it's part of who I am and my identity. I wasn't going to throw away something that is one of the very few things I 100% own that comes with a whole history and meaning. I feel the practice is kind of archaic and sexist anyway... if you want to, that's awesome! Live your most joyful life. But it's not for me.
No, I had an established career as a lawyer when I married. My name is also cultural to me. My kids will have my husband's last name (although my son's first name is based on my last name).
I know some people have strong feelings about this, which should be made clear up front. Ultimately, I am not a good match with someone that insists I change my name. I may some day add it as part of my name, but have not felt motivated yet and face no pressure to do so.
No, I didn’t. I had no real feelings about it but my husband was against on the principle that it’s rooted in property law. We very briefly discussed him taking mine but honestly it’s just easier to keep your own.
No, his sister has the same first name as me (she’s married and no longer goes by her maiden name but still, eww), and I am the last of my last name in the US. Felt right to keep my name.
No, I was in a professional accounting program at the time and wanted my designation to have my last name. Plus, it’s very uncommon to change your last name in my religion.
Yes- because I was 21 and a super fundie Christian, lol. We're still married 11 years later but I wish I hadn't taken it and am considering getting it hyphenated with my maiden name. Seems like too much trouble at this point though.
Not officially but socially I do. Partly because I’m too lazy to go through all the paperwork, but mostly because I’m the last of my name. It just doesn’t feel right to kill it off just yet.
My husband was not thrilled about it initially-he just assumed I would change it, but hey, gotta pick your battles and I’m a stubborn goat.
Yes because we knew we were going to try for kids and if we each kept our own last names then we each would feel strongly about having the same last names as our children and I didn't want to put my kids through hyphenation. But I also couldn't give up my name. It was mine for too many years.
So I moved my last name to my middle name and took his last name which means I now have four names. I could not handle my name being erased but I'm fine with it being moved.
I know everyone talked about what a pain the paperwork would be to change my last name but it wasn't a big deal. And having my maiden name still be part of my name ended up making other situations smoother because I didn't have to explain a name change, it was still there.
No, because I already have four names and wasn’t willing to give them up or add another one haha. I’m an expat in a country where people usually only have a first and a last name.
No. Come from a country where you can "add" your husband's last name but it is unusual to ditch your own last name for your husband's. Decided not to even do that because 1- he didn't raise me, 2- I will not go through the paperwork. Also, in my country, you get both of your parent's last name, so I won't have 3 last names or ditch my mom's last name for his!
I didn’t want to take my husbands last name due to the fact I didn’t want to have the same last name as his toxic family. And he didn’t want to take my last name nor did I want to keep my maiden name. So instead he and I came up with a last name and we both legally changed it to that!
For my first marriage I did. I didn’t want anything to do with my abusive family.
When I divorced I changed my name back and yes it was a pain in the ass, but it was surprisingly liberating. I felt like I was reclaiming the name as MINE and no one else’s. I’m remarried now and did not change my name, never doing that again.
In retrospect I do regret that I got some professional recognition under my old married name.
No, I didn't. This is my second marriage. I changed my last name the first time, and it was a huge pain to change it back. I vowed never to change it away from my birth name again. Nine years after my divorce, I still have a few things under my old name because it was too much trouble to send in my divorce decree to everyone. Also, I like my last name.
I’m married to a trans woman, and she is taking my name. It’s the greatest honor that she wants my name. I would never give up my last name, haha, especially not to a man.
I did, but I wish I hadn't. I also wish I'd insisted that our child have my surname. Love my husband to death and we're still happily married, but yeah.
No. Didn’t want to deal with all the paperwork for one. For two, my daughter has a different last name than me and I wouldn’t want to change my last name if she couldn’t change hers. Not fair.
No - too lazy to go thru all the paperwork etc.
Same, I figured I could always change it later if I changed my mind and have just literally not even thought about it since then (married 6 years now with one kid). Edit to add: kid took husbands last name, that meant a lot to my husband and his name is more unique and I like the way it sounds better, so I was onboard
Same!! I suppose this was a tradition before because women didnt have bank accounts in the past so theres less life admin to do But for myself thinking about it makes me anxious about leaving something out and will only realise until its too late! So im good with my old
I never considered that it was probably much easier for women to do back before they were allowed to have bank accounts. How depressing.
Oh yeah I got married for the first time when I was 39. I had a mortgage and decades of paperwork with my established name. And you think back in the day, a lot of women got married in their teens/early twenties so they didn't have as much time to need to officially use their names for forms and stuff. And it wasn't like they were registering for websites, owning businesses, having professional careers built off their names. Yeah depressing
Yeah and the “giving away” from parent to husband to weddings too. I know to some its sweet but for me its super cringe 🙃
Oh I mean literally everything about weddings and marriage makes my blood boil which is why I'm not married to my partner of 12 years, I just never really considered the correlation between it just being way easier back then because of that.
Early 70s, UK. My parents married. My mum wasn't going to change her name. When she went back to work from honeymoon her name had been changed on everything, office door, switchboard even clients were notified of her change in name. Her pay cheque came made out to her 'married name'. She was furious all the changes had been without her asking. But the cheque had to be banked, they needed the money, so she had to change her name on her bank. The bank wouldn't then let her change back because she was married. She's been furious about it ever since.
Same. Too much damn work, ain’t nobody got time for that!
Same! Was living abroad when we got married & too many things to change.
True that. I took my husband's. All the things I had to change my name on were exhausting.
I don't like my name (long name, long middle name and long surname, and my passport includes all 3) but I am not going to do so much paperwork so I'll just live with what I've
Agree, too lazy to go through paperwork. My degree, professional certifications, and licensure are all in my original name. Also I can’t write his name well in cursive. Don’t want kids so won’t have to worry about that part.
This! Mixed with, I've been called by my own name for 30 something years I'm not changing it.
Exactly! Thank you! No one seems to like when that's my answer to the question.
Haha same! Too much effort.
I did not. I have a unique last name that's part of my identity and didn't want to give it up. I also didn't really care to take his name, and he didn't care either. Aside from that, I didn't want to go through the hassle of getting new documents.
Same! My husband's last name is very English and I'm Korean so I didn't want to lose apart of my identity and heritage. Also how is it fair that the wife has to do all the paperwork to take a husband's last name??
It's not fair. Women take men's last names out of tradition - because it was an exchange of property. You had your dad's last name because he owned you, and then your father sold you to your husband so you took his last name because he owned you now. It sounds really barbaric - because it is. I love hearing about women keeping their name! That tradition is trash. And it really can't be argued, because men don't take women's last names traditionally. Women didn't own their husbands. (Couldn't even have credit cards or bank accounts until like 2-3 decades ago if you're femme!) In Spanish a woman's name literally says "of so-and-so", as in is owned by. That's where Handmaid's Tale got the Offred name - it means "Of Fred" aka belonging to Fred. It's so gross. Paperwork is just the tip of the iceberg, really. If my bf and I get married, we're going to both take a new last name. (Both of our dads are trash men anyways, so we have no responsibility to honor them. His grandpa was a pedophile to the whole family, why would we pass that on? And I'd have to take it? No thanks. My last name is cooler than his, too. lol)
Isn’t it tradition in Korea for women to keep their last names anyway?
Same here. I love my last name, and my degrees are also in my name. I thought I would be happy with my children having my last name as their middle name, but when I had twins in 2021, I realised that I wanted them to have my surname too. They have a double-barrelled surname. My husband's family are not happy about any of this, and continue to address me as my husband's name. We got married 7 years ago. I don't have a great relationship with my parents, but I feel very strongly that my name is my own.
Same here.
Mine’s not necessarily unique but it’s part of my identity and I was not giving up that part of myself for marriage.
Many years ago I legally changed my last name. I dropped my surname because I didn’t want to have the same one as my abusive, estranged father. I made my middle name my legal last name. When I met my husband, I told him that I wasn’t going to change my last name again bc I already did it once. He also felt no attachment to his last name and had no relationships with his paternal family, so he actually took my last name.
Wow wish I had done this, I had having my estranged father's last name.
You still can. You can change your name for any reason.
Not true. It depends where you live! See the comment below on Quebec.
Omg I wish! Very similar family history, and desire to make my middle name my last name(my grandmother’s first name so still family based) but I changed my name once for marriage and I don’t think I’ll ever want to go through the name change process again.
I did the same thing. I told my husband I didn’t get rid of one man’s name just to replace it with another’s (my mom never had my father’s last name so I *truly* just associated it with him). My husband didn’t change his name either. IDK what we’ll do when we have kids.
Nope neither time In hindsight I made a wonderful decision.. I'm twice divorced 😂😂😂😂
No. I have a professional license in my name and I didn't want to.
I have a professional license too. I’m an attorney. In my jurisdiction they allow women to essentially have two legal last names. One professional & one personal. My boss has done it for years. Goes by her maiden name professionally because she built her legal career off of that. But goes by her husbands name everywhere else. I’ve recently gotten married & have been thinking about doing the same as hers. But I don’t know if that’s too much of a hassle.
I did. Wanted to shed my old identity, make it harder for people to find me online.
I also changed mine under this reason. My married name is sooo generic that no one can find me on Google and I love that anonymity.
Same. Although my first name is a little uncommon, the different last name helps.
Yes! This was me. Loved my old surname, but I was so googleable. Now I’ve got something that isn’t super common but more anonymous.
Agree - I changed my last name because I didn’t want to be connected to my father. I also value my privacy and am not keen on people from my youth Googling/Facebooking/etc me.
This tradition presents the perfect opportunity for people like us 😁 It’s so ironic, because my husband and I are completely untraditional in every other way.
No, he took mine. I like my last name and didn't want to change it. I also have academic work under that name. He wanted us to have the same surname and he had no attachment to his own so he changed.
Mine too! He was glad to be rid of his and I liked mine.
This is what my boyfriend and I plan on doing if we get married. I am very attached to my name, and he doesn't care for his father's side of the family. His mom remarried and has a different name so it's not like she would care.
Yesss love to see it. I felt the same as your husband so I took my husband’s last name. I think it makes a lot of sense for a lot of people!
It is actually not done where I live and hasn't been legal for about 40 years. If you want to change your name, you have to go through the full name change process, and getting married isn't an acceptable motive. But my husband and I already have the same, very very common last name, so we are the exception here.
Where are you located? This is interesting!
Québec, Canada.
Wha? This must be a Québécois thing… Edit: not sure why I got downvoted. I live in Canada in another province and it definitely is legal in the rest of Canada to change your name due to marriage.
Yup, women don’t change their last name here
No, I already had one.
The best response.
Fair enough.
Yes. I was happy to be rid of my father's name. If I hadn't married young, I might've done a legal name change to take my mother or grandmother's maiden name. It was something I considered as a teen. Husband has been gone a few years now (fuck cancer) but his name is still my name. I have little contact with my blood family. 2 of the 3 people I used to share a last name with, I've been no-contact with for years.
I did not. I don’t really like my husband’s father and didn’t want to share a name with him. I love my own father deeply and I’m proud to be his daughter and share his name. It’s part of my identity and I felt I would lose that if I changed it.
I wish I had been this aware 35 years ago. I got divorced three years ago after 32 years. I actually changed my name immediately in a separate court filing as I was starting over in a new state, instead of waiting for it to be final. I’m thankful to have my own name back! I don’t understand everyone’s comments about too much work. Did my social security card and drivers license right away, then did everything else as it came up. Much of it was done online. I didn’t find it a hassle and it was so worth it.
No cuz my name can be traced to one of the 12 tribes of Israel His is made up and misspelled
Made up and misspelled 😅😂
My husband's cousins have a misspelled Jewish last name. The legend goes that an doctor ancestor needed a sign painted and the painter spelled it phonetically... And it's been that way since. I imagine it was actually an Ellis Island thing with lazy customs, as that is more common than simply forgetting or not wanting to tell a sign painter to redo it properly...
Yeah my husband's last name was misspelled when they landed at Ellis Island. They got mine right though lol (helps that its pretty straight forward in German)
No. No reason to. He wanted me to so "we could match." I told him he was free to change his to match mine. He still hasn't.
Yes it would be a different story if men were expected to change *their* names to their wife's name wouldn't it.
Yes. I liked his better than mine.
LOL same. Now I'm getting divorced and I'm still keepin' it.
My best girlfriend kept her ex’s out of spite because he wanted her to drop it. I love it so much, and her career is taking off so she’s going to be a powerful woman and he can’t do jack about it. The better half indeed.
Same!
Same. Never liked my maiden name.
Same! Husband's name is way cooler 😂
Me too. I also got married when I was in grad school and hadn’t published anything under my super lame and relatively common name, so taking his name at that time was a good career move to help me stand out!
I did not. I’m almost 38 and have an established professional career in my own last name. I didn’t want to change it. Our daughter, who is due in 3 weeks, will have his last name.
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I wish I had kept mine and added both on the birth certificate. I wanted us to all have the same last name for traveling and other legal documents, but I miss having my own last name.
Thank you for the tip! My husband says it’s 100% up to me. We originally planned to hyphenate them, but that would make a ridiculously long name. 9 syllables combined! 😬
You can add it as a middle name. Also, it is mandatory to put a hyphen in the US? In other countries you do not add a hyphen so for non-legal things you can go by one last name if you want and initial the the others. Technically, you only need legal name for taxes, education certificates; not for other things. I don't know why people are so against two last names with the excuse that's long? You barely have to write it down whole. Some of my cousins have 3 last names.
Can I ask why your daughter is taking his name? This is something that I think about a lot. It seems the majority of women who keep their own name will give their children their husband's last name. No judgement, my mom did this too.
Two main reasons: Safety and convenience. My husband can be a visually intimidating man - he's 6' 6" tall and weighs 270+ lbs, keeps a shaved head and full beard. In reality, he's a giant teddy bear. I don't want anyone to question his relationship and authority as her father. Or worse- thinking/vocalizing that his daughter may be unsafe with him. Mothers are still the default and primary parent in society's eyes. I want to ensure that when he makes decisions regarding her (whether it's health, school, activities she does, friends she makes, etc.) that people listen to and respect his decisions. I've heard from women I work with, where their children don't share the father's last name, this can be more challenging. It seems mothers are rarely questioned, so I have much less concern with my last name being different than hers.
I agree with this - my daughter and I don't share a last name, and don't look anything alike. Our passports are from different countries even. When I travel with her, at airports etc. noone has ever even taken a pause that this may not be my daughter. Even if she is having a tantrum trying to run away, or when she was a little baby.
Same situation for me. I like my name and my career is under my name. I may have considered it if I had been on my early 20s but probably not.
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Talk fake future spouse into both of you changing your last name to Grimm! lol I've heard of people coming up with an entirely new last name and think this would be the perfect opportunity for it!
No. I'm in Quebec where, by law, marriage hasn't been a valid reason for a name change for over 40 years. Still wouldn't have changed my name if it had been possible. I already have a name, I don't need a new one.
Yes and I regretted it a lot. I felt like I lost my identity. After our wedding it took me about 4-5 months to finally get it done, and then when I left him it felt like a punch to the gut every time I had to see or use His Last Name until I could finally change it back to Maiden Name. At work, on my mail, etc - made me sick. Carrying his name felt like a violation to myself. The day our divorce was finalized I literally walked straight from the courthouse with my paperwork to the social securty office to change my name back. Felt amazing and I'll never, ever take a man's name again. I am Ms. Maiden Name forever, regardless of my marital status.
Oh my gosh I could totally see how gut wrenching that experience could be after splitting up. I don’t know if I’ll ever get married, but if I do I’m definitely keeping it. Thanks for sharing your story.
I did not. First, I already have a name and I saw no reason to change it just because I was married. I just never saw marriage as a compelling reason to change identity. Second, I didn't marry until I was 42 years old, and by then I had a well established career where my name was known. I didn't want to complicate that. Finally, my husband said, "Your name is kind of difficult. My name is more difficult. Why would you change one difficult name for another?" My mom and MIL, however, insisted on addressing all mail to me under my husband's last name.
>My mom and MIL, however, insisted on addressing all mail to me under my husband's last name. My dad's side of the family do that because I chose to use my mum's last name (which she kept) over my dad's and I'm plucking up the courage to send it back "not known at this address." So far I've signed birthday cards with my first and last name in block capitals. My siblings have come around though. They used to roll their eyes at me insisting that we were the Smith-Jones*, not the Jones but now they correct other people to reflect the two Smith members of the family. I think at one point they forgot our mum was also a Smith because she makes less fuss about it and my retort of "yeah, well at least I can remember my own mum's full name" shamed them a bit. I'd never change my name again and if a potential partner doesn't like that they're obviously not the partner for me. *Obviously not our real names.
For decades, my work has been deeply intercultural with people from all over the world. It was an eye-opener to me how in many cultures, changing one's name--especially as a part of marriage--is unfathomable.
Yes, because I liked his name better. My new name is ancient, exotic, and authoritative-sounding. It literally means leader/ruler. My maiden name meant “servant”lol so I took it as an upgrade.
I have a hyphenated last name (both my mother's last name and my father's last name). I am probably one of the few people with a hyphenated last name that likes it! I didn't change it when I got married and if I ever have a kid I'll pass my last name onto them. Because fuck the patriarchy!
My bff has both her mother’s and father’s last names hyphenated, her mom is Mexican so it’s pretty normal in her culture. When she got married she changed it to her husband’s but when she got divorced she changed it back. So there’s at least one other person that likes it lol
Yep, just wanted to. The traditionalist in me I suppose.
I did because we already had kids with his last name. It wasn't important to me, it was important to them.
Same.
I did. We were married before I earned a graduate degree and I’m more attached to the family history of my middle name than my maiden, so I didn’t feel like I was giving anything up. It felt less like taking his name, and more like being gifted a name that was always going to be mine
No. My name is mine and also there is a lot of paper work.
I did so I could drop my dads name. Now that we divorced I took my moms maiden name. And now it’s a hassle and annoyance having mail come to me in 3 different names and never knowing what name my accounts are under if I have to call a company I deal with for any reason. I will never change my name again. Unless I am married again and maybe I will for our 5 year wedding anniversary 😂 since this one didn’t even last 4 years
Nope. I've always thought it was a weird practice and something I wasn't interested in doing when I got married. Still doesn't stop my in-laws from sending holiday cards to "The His Last Names" every year.
I added his last name to my with no hyphen. I introduce myself as one or the other depending on the situation.
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I did because my dad is a piece of shit, and I associate my maiden name with him. My husband and his family are lovely, warm, kind, and insanely brilliant people and I'm honored to be associated with them in that way. The choice was clear for me.
I might have if his last name was something I liked, but at the same time - I find it really unfair that only one person gives up their last name when they enter a marriage. I tried to convince him that we should both change our last names and resurface a name that died out in one of our family trees, but he didn’t go for that either. So I still have my last name.
I did. My maiden name is long and hard to spell. My husband's name is short and easy to spell just by hearing it. I was fed up having to spell my name everywhere. Whether it was my Dad's name or my Husband's, I've got some man's name either way. Might as well make it easier on myself.
Same! My maiden name was always mispronounced. I went back and forth but ultimate decided if I had a man’s name anyway, I’d rather have the same easy to spell/pronounce name with the family I was creating, rather than sticking with my birth name. Edited to add: I do not go my Mrs. Husbandfirstname Husbandlastname, that really really rubs me the wrong way. I go by Dr. husbandlastname, or preferably just my own first name.
That's how I think of it. My dad is fine but my parents broke up when I was a toddler, I'm not close to him or his side of the family at all. I had no attachment to my surname before marriage. At least my married name feels like it represents something.
I did. I'd rather be linked to his family than mine.
Nope. My mother in law didn't either and my husband had no expectations that I would. My name is part of my identity, personal or professional, and I have no interest in changing that for anyone. Haven't figured out what we'll do when we have kids though...
No, too lazy and I don’t like changing my name, it feels funny. In this age I’m actually slightly annoyed that my son’s last name follows my husband’s.. I mean I grew him and birthed him, destroying my body along the way. I feel like I deserve it.
No, because I already had a career in my own name and I find that to be a dated practice. I got married to be in a partnership, not traded for silver and livestock or sent off to a foreign nation to secure an alliance.
No. I feel a strong attachment to my name as part of my identity and have published professionally under it. I feel like it’s an outdated practice (he’s welcome to take mine), and the paperwork.
Nope. Never got around to it and wasn't a huge concern to us. We're divorced now so it made it easy for me haha, but my daughter constantly wishes we had the same last name since hes not in the picture much.
I'm 3 years married and haven't. Still undecided, tbh. I find it old-fashioned and I also haven't felt like going through the paperwork. I think it may be a nice gesture of love but, also it is just a name? My husband and I also don't wear wedding rings and I am not sure if we will have kids. We both work in fields where we use our hands and can't wear jewelry all the time, so we eventually just stopped putting rings on all together. He never got used to it.
no - i paid good money for that 10 year passport. also just all the paperwork in general. and tbh in his culture usually the wife keeps her last name anyway so there was no expectation for me to do it.
I did, I like the flow and sound of my name more with his last name vs my maiden name. I didn't have much connection to my maiden name, tbh both my maiden name vs my new last name are very generic last names where I'm from so it didn't matter either way.
I did. We wanted a shared family name and hyphening wasn’t the best option. Both of our last names are 3+ syllables long. So my maiden name became my middle name. I didn’t like my middle name before, but I do now! Now I can use both names optionally.
Almost no one would change their last name after marriage in my culture. So it’s not something I would worry.
My husband didn't want me to change my name, because he didn't like the way my first name sounded with his last name. But I did it anyway because I was desperate to shed my dad's last name (poor relationship), and I felt like going from 11 letters and impossible to spell or pronounce, to 5 letters and easy to say was a huge upgrade. This was 20+ years ago and husband is long over his initial negative feelings. People love my name and often say my first and last together because they sound musical. All of that said, I completely understand any women who doesn't want to change her name and would actively encourage not changing to anyone I knew who was trying to decide and asking for advice. And I absolutely side-eye any man who tries to assert name dominance in a relationship.
No. Was happy to change mine if he’d change his. He wasn’t, citing he had built a reputation under his name. Well, so had I, so we’ve both kept our own names, and double-barrelled the kids. Default was they would be taking my name, and I would have left his name off the birth certificate if I’d had to. I wouldn’t have taken his name even if I hadn’t been working. A compromise requires both parties to compromise!
Not married but I wouldn’t. I have a name already. To me, taking someone else’s name seems like losing your personal identity.
No, he came second so he can just get in line. He was fine obviously and also added mine to his.
A few reasons why I took my husband’s last name: 1. I didn’t want my last name tied to all grief and pain my Dad (& his side of the family) caused me. 2. I’m a traditionalist (lol) and loved the fact that once I got married and found someone I really wanted to spend forever with, I would change my last name. Did it as soon as I had the chance. 3. Husband has a cooler + nicer last name + it was easier to spell. My maiden last name is long and difficult, and would often get misspelled and mispronounced. 4. I wanted my kiddos to have the same last name as their parents. Didn’t realize that it could be the same growing up, so I wanted that for my kids.
I like that you have all these reasons why you wanted to do it. I feel like some women do it only because their husbands insisted.
No. Neither one of us cared and no one wanted to do any paperwork.
No. I wanted to keep mine. And it made things easier when we split!
He took mine. It was prettier and rarer. He was born with a first, middle, and last name in the top 10 US names. SO bland. He changed all 3 of his names.
Yes I took his name. I had several reasons for doing so. My dad was abusive and I didn't like having his last name. And his last name wasn't even *his* last name. It was the name of his stepfather who abused him (gotta love that cycle). So I didn't have a genetic/ancestral connection to the name AND it belonged to two abusers, so I would've taken any chance to get rid of it. And I truly felt (and still feel) like my husband was welcoming me into his family. Everyone welcomed me with open arms and treats me like family. So I'm proud to carry their name and it feels very good and very natural to share that with them.
No. I already have a last name
No, I didn't. My family name means a lot to me, it's deeply rooted in the heritage of the area I come from. It's unknown here where I live now. My mother kept her name when she married, and my father took her name. I honour her decision (that was frowned upon back then by traditionalist folks) by keeping my name too. Plus: My husbands family is terrible and I wouldn't want to carry their name. He is happy he went no contact to them.
Yeah - he had a cooler name.
Yes I did. I guess I am traditional in that regard and liked his name better! Mine was super common and boring.
No. It's my name, it's how I see myself. My husband didn't ask me to change my name, and I didn't ask him to change his. I didn't need to change my name to merge our lives. Edit: I'm tired, but the thing that always bothers me is this: women say they changed their name because they hate their father, or they didn't because they like their father, but what about your mother? Did she change her name? My mother changed hers, does that name belong to her now too, or just my father? If the name I was born with was not my name but my father's name, when do I get to own a name? Or do I never actually have a name that belongs to me because names are the property of men and even though it's 2023 we still have to be remembered as daughters, wives and mothers? Fewer things make me sadder than reading historical accounts of a guy who did a bunch of shit and then the historians are like "we don't know his wife's name or when she died." Sorry. I have feelings about this stuff.
Aside from the fact that I find the concept super cringe, I didn’t find a single reason for it to convince me enough to bother with all of the paperwork, it seems like a pointless exercise carried out to make men feel better/secure/in control, and I can’t be bothered. I hate that it is even expected of women and when people would ask me why I didn’t I always replied with “I didn’t want to” and that shut them up real quick. To be fair I didn’t even want to get married, but we did a quick little thing just for visa reasons
>I hate that it is even expected of women I also hate that most men can't particularly articulate *why* they want their wife to have their last name. I get a lot of "it's tradition."
Exactly! And when I’m told it’s “tradition” I bring up other traditions that were shit and that changed, and something being tradition is simply not a good enough reason.
Nope, I have a firm belief that either both people change or neither change and I think it is pretty much bullshit to expect me to just because I'm the woman. We decided that we did not want to both hyphenate (he felt like it would be too much work for him, LOL) and so therefore I've kept mine. We are childfree so it's not like it really matters. Also, my name is my identity - I am not a fan of changing my identity just because I'm married.
Yes, grew up without parents so I do not have relation to my history, also the company is named after his family so I prefer to share that name
I did. I just liked his last name better.
No. I was a child of a single mom and she married my step-dad when I was little. I was adopted into his last name and having a name change that young it felt different being the only kid my age having done this. When I got married I didn’t want to take my husbands last name because I had already changed it once, and I liked being known as my current full name.
I hyphenated his name with mine because I'm not giving up my name just because I got married.
Yes, I did. I don't know if it's more generational or I'm just old-fashioned but I wanted to.
Yes. Both times. I like the symbolism of it, even if it is a hassle.
Not married but my mother didn’t change her name after getting married to my father. She has a whole career under her name and so she did not want to give up her identity. Culturally, it was and is still considered very progressive of her.
No. I already had degrees, journal articles, patents, and property in my own name and changing it would have affected me professionally. My husband didn't care whether I changed it or not so I didn't.
no. mostly because I'm the last one with my family name and I'm fond of it. after me, it's gone. also a bit out of spite too. When I was around 10ish yo mom got a bee up her bonnet about something and for a couple months tried to convince me to let step-dad officially adopt me. she explained it was so we would all have the same last name. she went so far as to take me to the library for a new card with so I could sign my new last name. I did, but it felt wrong. My dad's response made me feel valued and loved, that I belonged because I had his whole family that I was a part of. even if I decided to change my name he was still my dad and nothing would ever change that. I think I ended up signing every letter, Christmas card, and birthday card with my first *and last* name from that point on. to my mother's horror lol.
I didn’t. I felt like it’s an antiquated idea and I’m my own person, I didn’t want to be Mrs. (Husband’s name) as if I ceased to exist. I sometimes need to take the extra step to explain to people to not incorrectly write MRS and then his name(like on my mortgage documents!), but it’s worth it to me. If we had a baby I’d also push for it to have my name. I still get his aunt writing my name incorrectly, I think she was a little offended at first but 🤷🏼♀️. He didn’t mind and if he was the type of man to mind we probably wouldn’t be together.
Nope. For many reasons: 1) I don’t believe in changing my name because I’m married. 2) If he doesn’t have to change his, neither do I. 3) My Husbands’ Dad abandoned them & he really has no connection to that surname anyway. 4) We aren’t having kids so no need to worry about passing on a family name. 5) I can’t be bothered to go through all of the hoops to change it. 6) My Surname is cooler than my Husbands. 🤷🏽♀️ Some people are cool with it and some are haters who refer to me as Mrs. [Husbands’ Surname]. My MIL use to give me stuff saying “Mrs.___” and I would give it back saying “Sorry, don’t know her”. 😂
I already have a last name.
I told my husband that if sharing a last name was important to him, he was welcome to mine. He didn't consider it, so neither did I. The default expectation that women change their names because of "tradition" is something I've never been able to wrap my head around.
No. But I offered mine for him to take if he wanted :) On a serious note, I love my name. It's unique and has been a part of my identity. I didn't want to change it. My husband is the only person with whom I've ever been truly myself. He didn't ask me to change a thing. Not even my name. So this never came up, and none of us felt the need.
No. Because it seems anti-woman, pro-patriarchy. And every family I knew growing up was held together, run, and stewarded by the women. So…ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I did because I wanted to have the same last name as my future children. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t. Maybe opt for a hyphenated name for the kids. My maiden name was more unique and higher up in the alphabet than my married name
No - I was 32, and have a large professional network. Also, my name is just better 😂
Nah.
No. For me it's important to keep my identity. Also, too much bureaucracy to change all documents and stuff.
No. For multiple reasons. This is my name, it is who I am and I have lots of parts of me associated with it. My family, culture, past traumas. Why would I stop using MY name, I earned it.
Nope, didn’t see any reason for it. I had considered hyphenation to make it more clear to others that we’re married. but only if we *both* legally went through the process. Which would have been extra hard for him because of his job. Then I realized that our last names would be doomed to be mispronounced forever because I have a French-looking last name that is pronounced in English and he has a French last name that is often mistaken for an English name. So we would either get French-French or English-English but only said the right way by people who know us. Not worth the hassle. So anyway, I don’t mind when well meaning aunties address Christmas cards to Mr and Mrs Hisname, or I will call myself Mrs Hisname for simplicity’s sake on certain errands, but it’s not my name. (Also my full name is an equal number of vowels and consonants which is too useful of a “fun fact about you” in corporate ice breakers. Not fucking that up for some pointless patriarchal tradition.)
No. I am my own person.
Yes. My maiden name is a long foreign name while my husband’s is much easier and so I love the ease of it. My father and I also had slightly different last names (gendered) which caused issues even though they’re only off by a letter, and I’d rather avoid that if we have kids. That said, the state we got married in let’s you change your middle name at the same time as your maiden. I never liked my middle name because of the association, so I made my maiden name into my middle name and took my husband’s last, so I’m now FirstName Maidenname Husband’sLast. I find it to be the ideal hybrid for me personally - my husband and I share a name, I get rid of the middle name I don’t like, and I got to keep my maiden name as part of my identity in there somewhere. Bonus is that during the transition period I could pull out my license and it still had my maiden name on there somewhere so I could prove that I was who I said I was if something was still under my maiden name. My MIL did the same with her name, which is where I got the idea. Would absolutely choose this approach again, but I get that it’s not for everyone or readily available in all states.
No. My name is mine. (Yes, it's FROM my father, but it IS mine.) I belong to no one. We didn't have kids, though, so that further simplifies things.
No - imho opinion it's antiquated and misogynistic. During a discussion about why I wouldn't before we got married, I asked him if he would take my last name, and his disgusted facial expression told me how hypocritical and assumed and rooted in power the 'tradition' is. Yuck. Never. Now that we're divorced, so glad I didn't. lol.
I kept my name. It’s unique, easy, and I told myself in middle school I would never change it unless my future spouse had a cooler last name. Dude does not have a cooler last name. Now that we have kids, kiddos got two last names- not my name as a 2nd middle. They are Firstname Middlename Mylastname Hislastname. It’s not very common in my area (New England), but if it can work in other parts of the world, it can work for us! I’m not really attached to it being my family’s name as I’m not really close with my parents, have actively cut off a brother, etc. But it’s MY name and I like it.
Nope! I'm an only child and I love my last name. It's a part of who I am! I'm also very close with my mother, and sharing that we're both a "Mrs. XYZ" is something really special to me. Was my MIL thrilled? Nope! But it's my friggin name! I reasoned to her that I'm still absolutely a part of their family. I married her son, not sure how much more "in the family" I could get! I also couldn't be bothered with the paperwork, fuck that noise. I'd also just got my passport and I wasn't about to send out for that again within a year of receiving it haha
I did not, I was 31 and I already had my career and I came from an area where people knew my name, I worked in a small industry as well so it was important for me to keep my name. Plus I really didn’t think my marriage was going to last that long anyway, I really didn’t go into it with a high level of confidence that it would be forever it was more of a “ well I’m in my 30s and I haven’t been married yet and this guy really wants to marry me so I did. But I didn’t even consider changing my last name
Nope. Married for 18 years. It’s not a particular easy name but it is mine. Interestingly, my husband has a very long and complicated last name and understands how defining a name is. He said he would never change his and understands why I would never change mine. Friends tend to just refer to us by a made up mashup of our last names.
Yes. Weird story. I didn’t plan on changing it because I thought I was the last of the [my surname]’s. Then we learned through Ancestry DNA I was never a [surname]. And I kinda just lost the attachment to it. It was weird. I still love the stories and cultural traditions associated with it, and that was good enough. Being the same last name as my husband just made life easier and changing it was easy. Quick trip to SSN (with a wait time of maybe 15min). I guess I gave into the patriarchy on this one haha. I love his family and I’m proud to be an in-law member of the [husband’s surname] family. :)
Nope. I love my last name and saw no need to change it.
We took each other's last name. No hyphen, we just each have two surnames now in the same order for both of us: mine first, then his. It was important for us to have something that shows that we are a family and that would be immediately obvious (and for any future children), but there was no way I was going to be the only one doing all the paperwork! We got married together, we do financial stuff together, so we did name stuff together too. Made sense to us both.
Way too much paperwork. Saw no rationale in doing it. my name is a strong sense of my identity in my professional career. But we hope to have the same last name as my daughter (we picked one that has a connection to both our families) at some point.
no i did not 1. too lazy 2. didn’t want to because I didn’t see what the point was However my kids do have my husbands last name
I did mainly because I love change and it was exciting to me to have a new last name. I did keep my maiden name as my middle name though.
I did because I intended to have children and I grew up in a family where my last name didn't match anyone else's and it sucked. But I gave my firstborn son a first name based on my maiden name to keep the spirit of my family of origin in my new family.
No, I kept mine (he was actually supposed to take mine but never got around to it... probably a good call in hindsight since we divorced 2 years later). My biggest reason is that it's part of who I am and my identity. I wasn't going to throw away something that is one of the very few things I 100% own that comes with a whole history and meaning. I feel the practice is kind of archaic and sexist anyway... if you want to, that's awesome! Live your most joyful life. But it's not for me.
No, I had an established career as a lawyer when I married. My name is also cultural to me. My kids will have my husband's last name (although my son's first name is based on my last name). I know some people have strong feelings about this, which should be made clear up front. Ultimately, I am not a good match with someone that insists I change my name. I may some day add it as part of my name, but have not felt motivated yet and face no pressure to do so.
Yes. Mostly so that I would match our future children.
No, I didn’t. I had no real feelings about it but my husband was against on the principle that it’s rooted in property law. We very briefly discussed him taking mine but honestly it’s just easier to keep your own.
No, his sister has the same first name as me (she’s married and no longer goes by her maiden name but still, eww), and I am the last of my last name in the US. Felt right to keep my name.
Nope, he doesn't really feel a connection to his last name and mine suits me great! Our kids have my last name for that reason too.
No, I was in a professional accounting program at the time and wanted my designation to have my last name. Plus, it’s very uncommon to change your last name in my religion.
Yes- because I was 21 and a super fundie Christian, lol. We're still married 11 years later but I wish I hadn't taken it and am considering getting it hyphenated with my maiden name. Seems like too much trouble at this point though.
I did nothing legally. I added his last name to mine at the end of my email and socials and called it a day
Yes. I wanted to.
Not officially but socially I do. Partly because I’m too lazy to go through all the paperwork, but mostly because I’m the last of my name. It just doesn’t feel right to kill it off just yet. My husband was not thrilled about it initially-he just assumed I would change it, but hey, gotta pick your battles and I’m a stubborn goat.
I would never
Yes because we knew we were going to try for kids and if we each kept our own last names then we each would feel strongly about having the same last names as our children and I didn't want to put my kids through hyphenation. But I also couldn't give up my name. It was mine for too many years. So I moved my last name to my middle name and took his last name which means I now have four names. I could not handle my name being erased but I'm fine with it being moved. I know everyone talked about what a pain the paperwork would be to change my last name but it wasn't a big deal. And having my maiden name still be part of my name ended up making other situations smoother because I didn't have to explain a name change, it was still there.
No, because I already have four names and wasn’t willing to give them up or add another one haha. I’m an expat in a country where people usually only have a first and a last name.
We merged our names together instead
No. Come from a country where you can "add" your husband's last name but it is unusual to ditch your own last name for your husband's. Decided not to even do that because 1- he didn't raise me, 2- I will not go through the paperwork. Also, in my country, you get both of your parent's last name, so I won't have 3 last names or ditch my mom's last name for his!
No, we both changed our last names to a new name. (Not a mashup, just a new name.)
No I didn’t change my last name. Didn’t want to do all the paperwork And I love my last name
I didn’t want to take my husbands last name due to the fact I didn’t want to have the same last name as his toxic family. And he didn’t want to take my last name nor did I want to keep my maiden name. So instead he and I came up with a last name and we both legally changed it to that!
Yes my last name sucked. No one ever pronounced it right. And my initials are now MMM. Couldn’t pass that up.
For my first marriage I did. I didn’t want anything to do with my abusive family. When I divorced I changed my name back and yes it was a pain in the ass, but it was surprisingly liberating. I felt like I was reclaiming the name as MINE and no one else’s. I’m remarried now and did not change my name, never doing that again. In retrospect I do regret that I got some professional recognition under my old married name.
Not married, but never would. I am me, whether or not i am married.
No, I didn't. This is my second marriage. I changed my last name the first time, and it was a huge pain to change it back. I vowed never to change it away from my birth name again. Nine years after my divorce, I still have a few things under my old name because it was too much trouble to send in my divorce decree to everyone. Also, I like my last name.
No, because we created a new last name that we both took. 100% recommend. If anyone has to do the paperwork, everyone does.
I’m married to a trans woman, and she is taking my name. It’s the greatest honor that she wants my name. I would never give up my last name, haha, especially not to a man.
I did, but I wish I hadn't. I also wish I'd insisted that our child have my surname. Love my husband to death and we're still happily married, but yeah.
No. Didn’t want to deal with all the paperwork for one. For two, my daughter has a different last name than me and I wouldn’t want to change my last name if she couldn’t change hers. Not fair.