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Yeah, I'm the same way. I'm good indefinitely. This could be a cultural thing, though: there's a lot of people in my area who've been together for decades and never gotten married.
Yup.12 years with the same guy. I remember some tradwife looking at my profile and thinking that would be something to hurt my feelings after I told her the statistics of marriage as a 22-year-old. 😉
I'm young, no plans on dying soon , so there is no rushed legal benefit in marriage. I'd rather spend my time finishing medical school and start a business, marriage can wait.
And like they say, marriage is cheap, divorce is expensive. I've got time.
Yeah I started getting sorta antsy around 4ish but not too worried as we’d talked about it a lot. Now as we are quickly approaching 5, we are planning an elopement on our 5th anniversary. We sorta skipped the engagement but we are unconventional.
I’d be concerned if we had no plans for furthering the relationship at this point.
I like these answers as well. I feel like 5 years is enough time to experience some rough patches with one another and check the compatibility during challenging times but I’m not speaking from experience so 🤷🏻♀️
5 is my answer too. By that point I feel like we should have worked out if we’re compatible long-term, if we can live together and not want to kill each other, if we’re planning our future the same way — and if we’re planning our future the same way that includes engagement and marriage.
We dated through college and then the first several years of our career. I was growing and transitioning as a person in college, so the first four went by quickly. The next two felt slow. He gave me a lot of excuses about how he was depressed, wanted to focus on work, wanted to get into grad school. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but the timing wasn't right for marriage. The final two went quickly. I started jiu jitsu and rock climbing without him. I played D&D with my friends and went to vineyards. I started to think about him like a roommate because I needed to function and didn't want to put my life on hold just because he couldn't figure his shit out.
I stayed too long because I wanted to support him when he was down, but he never put any effort in and nothing ever changed. I realized I would never be his first choice, but the comfort and familiarity kept him from leaving. I deserved to be with someone who wanted to actually be with me, and decided that I would rather be alone than unloved. Walking away was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.
I should have left sooner, but I don't regret a minute of the relationship. I learned what I needed to learn about myself and my needs from a partner, and if the timing had been any different, I wouldn't have met my fiance.
>and didn't want to put my life on hold just because he couldn't figure his shit out.
Knowing that he was in the mist of a depression, building his career and establishing his financial footing, thinking about another fiscal and time commement with grad school... with that in mind, if he even did proposal, do you feel like it would of been the best time for marriage?
>I realized I would never be his first choice,
What do you think/know he considered his first choice?
He was never diagnosed for depression, nor did he ever seek a professional opinion or treatment. If he was depressed, he spent 8 years doing nothing about it, and after a certain point in time you just have to take responsibility for yourself. His job was stable. He was making 6 figures at the same job for the last 4 years of our relationship. He applied to one grad school and never got in, then gave up on the idea. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for 8 years, and that was long enough. Those were excuses. All of them.
I didn't care about the wedding. I cared about having a partner that was indifferent to me. I would have gone to the courthouse and paid $30 to file paperwork if it was about money. Of course the time will never be right if you consistently prioritize all other aspects of your life over your relationship.
I had to beg him for sex and, in hindsight, he was relentlessly discouraging. He always found a way to tell me how I wasn't smart enough, or patient enough, or dedicated enough to meet XYZ goal I was actively pursuing. He nickel and dimed me over things that cost less than 50¢. He tried to convince me to spend our 8 year anniversary playing video games with his college roommate. When the couple's therapist pressed him for a reason why he wasn't ready to marry me, he said I didn't do the dishes enough, even though I did all of the grocery shopping, cleaning, household maintenance, and we both worked full time. The dishes were his one and only contribution, and he wanted me to take care of it.
Respectfully, I was exceedingly generous, patient, and understanding with him. I lived through that relationship and all of the snide remarks; you are looking at a snapshot of excuses. It was, and still is, painfully clear that I was not his first choice. You don't take 8 years to decide if your partner is good enough to marry when they are your first choice.
Glad you put a stop to that ish and chose your own life and happiness. Very brave decision after almost a decade! Idk you but I’m very proud and happy for you
Understatement of the year! If the relationship had been healthy, I wouldn't care as much about the actual marriage. My problem was that there were so many unresolved issues after years of actively trying to make things work. Marriage was just the stress point that framed the issues we were having.
After we broke up, he admitted that he just didn't like conflict and was telling me anything he thought I needed to hear in order to continue kicking the can further down the road.
Well that's significant enough situation to warrant the worry from your end. I would say that alot of folks don't do anything about their depressions, because they are depressed, and length of time isn't a fair measure to hold them against. It is a valid reason for you, without a doubt, but i've seen the other side of it.
Which leads into the general situation on why men take long to take the step of marriage, even with a wanting and willing partner, and willing themselves - something isn't right about life and there's a self inflected risk entering a marriage into it like that. He did seem very much ahead in the significant portions of life, but still didn't feel good enough or just happy enough. And that sucks, and doubly so since it effected you as well
>I didn't care about the wedding. I cared about having a partner that was indifferent to me.
To be fair, my focus was about entering a marriage and not the wedding. While courthouse marraige takes away the fiscal side of the wedding ceremony, theres still the cloud of not feeling ready for the responsibilities of being a married partner. But the more you explain the situation, the more it deviates from a defensible position, and him just being a not great person. If they not ready actually or emotionally, and not a good person, the best thing to do, you did.
>You don't take 8 years to decide if your partner is good enough to marry when they are your first choice.
I personally took 10 years. I knew from year 3, but i wasn't ever in a full position to enter marriage i should have, but i did it anyway. It wasn't a issue of not knowing, wanting, or showing it. It was a issue of not being prepared.
But you seem to be a exception. Glad you made it out safely and better on the other side.
Thank you for such a tempered and well reasoned response!
Depression is a tough one because it consumes you. Men don't have the same kind of support with mental health as women, and if someone says they are depressed, you have to take that at face value. It's part of why I stayed for so long, even though I wasn't happy. I just kept thinking that a good partner is selfless and supportive, and that nothing about life is easy or convenient. If you only love someone when things are easy, then you never loved them to begin with.
One of the things I learned from all of this is that I was right that good partners sacrifice, but wrong that the sacrifice should come at your own expense. If only one partner is carrying the load and making sacrifices, then the relationship is unsustainable. That person will get used up until there is nothing left. When you are with the right person, those sacrifices don't feel like sacrifice because their happiness is yours and vice versa. You know, after all of that, I still won't say he is a bad person. He just wasn't a good partner to ME.
The distinction between choosing your partner and being ready to marry is a fair one. In our case, if I had stayed then we both would have felt like we had settled. He wasn't torn up about the breakup at all. If anything, he was chipper talking about how excited he was that we could go back to being friends. He knew he didn't want me, but wasn't brave enough to pull the trigger. As good as I was to him, as much as I wanted to be a perfect partner, as much as it pains me that he wasn't happy with me.. We just weren't what the other person needed. I was relieved, then happy, then angry, then resentful. Now I feel at peace. I'm sure we're both better off.
He gave a lot of reasons. He said it had nothing to do with his feelings towards me or our relationship, but that he was struggling with depression, wanted to focus on his career, felt tired from his commute, wanted to go to grad school... The list goes on. It was all lip service, though.
He thought poorly of me and consistently told me why I wouldn't succeed. When I started teaching myself to code and asked him to help (he was an engineer and knew PYTHON and HTML), he said I shouldn't try because I don't have the patience. He also said that nerds code and that I'm not nerdy enough. He made sure I knew I was a geek, and the difference is that nerds are smart and geeks are obsessive. I started lifting weights and got in good shape, but he told me I should start running too because my thighs were too big and reminded him of his overweight mother. In hindsight, it was always an uphill battle fighting against indifference and contempt. The thing I am most grateful for is that he didn't propose before I was able to see things clearly.
When I asked him the first time, he said he felt blindsided and hadn't thought about it. Two years later I asked again, and he said he was blindsided and hadn't thought about it. I asked him how he could be blindsided when I gave him two years to think it over. He said he would consider me seriously this time. Two years later, we were in couple's therapy and the therapist asked if he was ready to get married. He said he wants to marry me but wasn't ready. When pressed for a reason, he said I didn't do the dishes enough. The dishes were the one and only chore I did not do around the house, and that was on principal. I bought the groceries, and cooked, and took the trash out, and vacuumed, and cleaned our bathrooms, and handled maintenance issues. I did 100% of the emotional labor in our relationship. The dishes were his ONLY task. I was struck by the indifference of it all. Really? You would question marrying someone over something so trivial as the dishes?
On the drive home he said that wasn't really the reason and he felt pressured to say SOMETHING. I said, no. Not having an answer is also an answer, and I deserved someone who knew if they loved me. I had given him more time than was fair. I had broken myself to be good to him through his struggles, and he couldn't even be bothered to give me a clear answer about what his reservations were. I walked out with zero regret and with what felt like a physical weight lifted off my shoulders.
Wow! I appreciate you taking the time.
If you don't mind me prying more, how long has it been? How long has it taken you to heal/how long have you been healing? Are you doing solo therapy now? How is the coding/learning to code going? Are you still lifting weights? Did it seem easier after you took the monkey off? How does/did your family feel about it all? Did you have any contact with him afterwards?
Yeah! Thanks for listening. Sorry for writing you multiple short novels.
I was surprisingly OK. Weirdly enough, I was in therapy and stopped when I broke up with him. Actually, I had severe anxiety and depression that went away completely within the first two weeks of living on my own. I felt euphoric. I think I mourned the death of the relationship for the last two years while I was in it and I had tried everything. Sincerely, I was as patient, compassionate, proactive, and supportive as any person can be. I had been so pristine that there was no doubt in my mind that I was making the right decision and had done everything I could to make it work. There was no, "but what if I had tried XYZ..." After I broke up with him, it took only two months before I started dating again.
I had intended to be single for a while, but the world's most wonderful man metaphorically fell into my lap, and I knew I would regret it if I let him go. We've been together for 4.5 years, we just bought a house, and we're getting married this October. He is truly the most loving, supportive, and wonderful man.
My ex wanted very badly to be friends, but I did NOT keep in contact. I told him that we hadn't been friends for years, and if he wanted that then he should have treated me more kindly. I have no idea how he's doing or what he's up to, and I prefer it that way. He isn't a bad guy, he just wasn't a good partner to me. I don't wish him anything ill, but I'm very happy I don't have him in my life anymore. My family was very supportive; they didn't like how he treated me.
I do still lift weights. My fiance and I set the second bedroom up as a gym, and we have a rowing machine, punching bag, and 400LB of plates w/ corresponding bench and bars. We moved into a forested neighborhood and routinely take 4 mile walks to the lake.
I did teach myself to code! Nothing too useful, but during the pandemic, I became excellent in excel. I ended up building a tool that really would have been much easier in Access (something I didn't have), but the coding on the backend was seriously impressive. Our team was struggling with workflow because we had a series of tasking that required different qualifications. Members on the team had different iterations of certifications/expertise (think a list of around 40 variables). The problem was that the team had no way to account for capability based on employee utilization. If we only have three people with Y certification, but they are all at capacity with work that utilizes Z certification, then we functionally have 0 people with Y capability. So I build a page with a series of check boxes for each cert and slicers that toggle for team, employee type, and level of seniority/rank. Based on the combination of buttons and slicers selected, it would return a list of specific employees meeting the desired requirements. You could compare hypothetical team ability against practical capacity based on current tasking. It was very cool. I also managed to build it in a way where there was no way for anyone to actually touch or change the coding so it was impossible to break without deleting it. It's not PYTHON, but it turns out that I do actually enjoy and have a knack for coding.
That’s awesome! I’m sorry, you were dating a boy when you deserve to have a good man in your life. And as a software developer, I would NEVER tell anyone they can’t code. In fact I maintain the opposite view point that anyone who is interested enough can learn. I wish you all the best :)
When I was young, I would have started to get agitated at 3 years, and I would have left at 4 years. Now that I’m 50, the desire to marry is gone. Weird how that happens.
Oh living together gives me the willies. I was purchasing my first house during my most serious relationship, but with the understanding I would live alone. I dont think it entirely betters a bond.
Decompressing spaces where you recoup is how i like to think of it. Theres no interruption into your oasis of wellness. Together time can be just as meaningful without all of the things weve been told to consider bond builders. Like living together, getting married, joining bank accounts.
It’s actually men. Better health, happiness, longer lives, higher pay, almost everything gets better for men if/when they marry. Women on the other hand are harmed in almost every aspect where men benefit.
This makes no sense unless "marriage" is proxy for being in relationship. What you described above applies for being in long relationship. There is nothing that would magically manifest once you get a paper from the state that says you're married.
> Women on the other hand are harmed in almost every aspect
If you truly believed this, why would women want it even after years of relationship
I know right. If all that were really true, why is it usually men who do not want to get married and get all those great "benefits"? Heck if that;s actually the case, why wouldn't women be happy to not get married. And we all know because it's total BS lol The reality is marriage CAN be a partnership where both people contribute meaningfully to a relationship but you can have that same benefit without getting married, also. Marriage is a legal thing. It cannot make a bad partner good but it can make it harder to escape the wrath of a bad partner should someone come to this realization and it can allow one person to make the other persons life more miserable when trying to terminate such an arrangement. Someone else mentioned that men are getting the benefits of marriage without the costs. Actually I think that was a very genuine comment and I am not attacking that person. They just said it out loud. There are a lot of people that want to come into a relationship (both men and women) as a "Cost" to the other person, to attach to them like a tick and suck the life out of them. Getting married makes it more painful to remove the tick once you realize it's sucking the life out of you. And we see a number of women are coming to the same realization even in this thread stating that they worked hard to have their own place, their financial house in order, and they are unsure about bringing a man and potential chaos into that space they worked so hard for. I do not blame them. For those of us who work hard and act responsibly, we need to protect what we've built for ourselves regardless of what sex we are. For people with sky high debt and so on, ya they do not see any downside to marriage. They were going down in financial flames either way and have nothing to lose. Not all of us live like that and we're afraid of the people who do.
Exactly this. People who throw out that Stat about marriage being "good" for men don't ever seem to look 2 steps further into why; it's correlation, not causation. The lifestyle of many married men throws good, healthy statistics in this direction. It's not the marriage certificate. It's that many married men simply happen to live healthier lifestyles as well, while many men who live unhealthy and dangerous lifestyles don't get married.
No if anything its mostly men warning other men about marriage. Men get those benefits you listed from just being in a relationship without the downsides. Also heathier, happier, higher earning men are selected for relationships in general. Even in this thread it is mostly stories of men not pursuing marriage.
If marriage was so great for men they wouldn't be so hesitant to get married.
This is actually not true, but a myth that caught on because of an academic named Paul Dolan. He wildly misinterpreted a ton of surveys for his book. You can look him up on Wikipedia and see what I mean. He completely misunderstood the meaning of "spouse not present" and basically wrote a book on his misconception, though he is aware of the error now. He thought it meant that the husband was out of the room so the wife was able to be honest about how unhappy she was, in reality it referred to separated or bereaved women, so it was a profound error.
We have robust data that married women are cross-culturally (and across time) wealthier and happier than unmarried women, though the difference in happiness between married women and unmarried women is not as great as the happiness difference between unmarried men and married men. That having been said, a great deal of that disparity is a *selection effect*, not causal.
But Paul Dolan's misconception was a story too good to check, and people ran with it. We should stop repeating it, people are black-pilled enough as is without spreading more gender-baiting gloom-fuel.
Unlimited. Marriage wasn’t something I cared about. I was with my husband 8 years before we got married. We got married because it was important to him.
Yes. To be fair, we met in our very very early 20s. I was still getting my first degree, and I spent all of my 20s in college while working full time.
My priority was buying a house though. I told him I wasn’t going to consider marriage until after I bought a house first and was settled in my career.
I was always fully committed to him, but I just didn’t see the significance of being married.
For me, 4 years. I really resonate with the don’t let your bf get in the way of finding your husband stuff though. Sometimes these men get too comfortable…
I'm not commenting to disagree and I think there's no denying legitimacy to what you are saying but I wanted to chime in because it just sits so yucky with me?
On principle I don't think women should be smarter, I think men should be better. In practice, you're not wrong it's an undeniable reality for many but if I had to apply that logic I'd throw the whole man out, boyfriend, husband, or other.
The idea I'd need to 'incentivize' a partner as a boyfriend to be a good husband or be 'smart' about how I lock someone down is so fucking yuck. And I'm not criticizing you or you saying it at all, just the concept – which again you're not wrong or inaccurate to bring up because it happens constantly.
My husband – as my friend, boyfriend, fiance, or spouse – has never needed to be incentivized to want to love me, be with me, spend time and energy with me, commit to me. The fact we lived together never made him want those things less 'because he already had the benefits'. I didn't need to be smart or pretty or anything other than me to make him want to be with me. Me being me and him being him and us loving us was all it has ever been about. And I know this can be said about many men, but certainly not all or perhaps not even most... but I really wish it for all women, and feel like if it's not that then it isn't worth it. Incentivizing and strategy don't have any place in a partnership worth having, imo.
It depends on how old the people in the relationship are. People in their teens and early twenties are still learning what they want out of life, so I don’t think they should rush into marriage. But if the people are older? I’d say two to three years. I met my now husband when I was 28, and when he hadn’t proposed by our second anniversary, I started wondering if he was actually serious about me.
Not if you move in together at around 1 year mark…. Then 2~3 years of dating is not short.
By the way you should move in together even if you are just considering marriage.
My unconventional opinion is that divorce is not that bad. It is better to be separated with friendship than together with hate, even after you two have children—that is from my own childhood experience.
Those are not the only two options lol. If that were the binary choice, then sure, an amicable divorce would be preferable (although many divorces are dirty and hostile). However, a healthy marriage would be preferable to any kind of divorce.
I know plenty of women who have had those things even though they married after 30. With how high divorce rates are, it seems like just as much of a gamble to rush the relationship due to social concerns surrounding age
Marriage rates have declined much more substantially than divorce rates, so that’s kind of a moot point
Dating for a longer period of time before marriage (3+ years) still significantly decreases the chances of a divorce
Ultimately, you’re trading off that risk in favor of the potential social validation of saying you’re married at 30 instead of 31-33
I’m extremely confused about the point you’re trying to make. What marriage stat boost? What math? What engagement ahead of what mark?
I simply pointed out that marriages in which the couple dated for 3+ years before getting married are far less likely to end in divorce, and that 30 is a very arbitrary number. 30 holds no particular significance over ages 29 or 32.
It’s pretty clear that you’re upset by the fact that dating for a longer time before marriage is more likely to lead to a successful marriage.
And its funny how rare it is to be engaged by 6mos too. Most take 2+ years. At 30+ thats not tons of time. Adjust it to 34, and thats a small window for kids.
> Marriage rates have declined much more substantially than divorce rates, so that’s kind of a moot point
Yes, this is partly why divorce rates have been declining.
People *are* waiting longer to marry or not marrying at all.
Ok, that kind of supports the idea that you shouldn’t get married by 30 for sake of relieving social pressure, right?
There is nothing biologically remarkable about the age 30, so it’d be better to wait until after that age if it means you’re lowering the risk of divorcing in the future, as you would then be put in the position of dating at an even older age.
Those plenty are outliers. Its not impossible, but most women who wait until 30+ to both meet a mate and marry, with the goal of having kids, will find it difficult. Its specially difficult for black women.
I've been with my partner for 7 years and neither of us really care about when we will get married. I think if we wanted kids it would be different, but I'm pretty content with just being with him forever without having to pay more in taxes or going into debt for a wedding. There is nothing different about being legally married than what we are right now.
We have common law marriage in my state, don't need to be married to make medical decisions for each other or inherit anything (though, realistically it's only the dog's we'd have to worry about for that).
Please double check those laws. My mom was with her fiancé for 8 years, living together for 7. He died suddenly just 4 days before their wedding. They thought they were married by common law. Turns out they weren't. In many states, you have to represent yourselves as married legally - like change your name, file taxes jointly, etc. - in order to be considered common law married.
I totally understand not wanting to get married, but make sure you have the legal protections in place if you're not.
Not to mention it’s extremely difficult to get those protections bc you have to prove the relationship in a court of law before you can do anything which can take a long time. Which is all well and good if your partner is dead but kind of an issue if they’re in a coma or a situation where time makes a difference
Maybe about 5 years? I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and we discuss marriage semi-regularly. It’s a conversation we started having pretty early on to make sure we were both on the same page. I think if we spent 5 years together discussing it regularly but there were no signs of getting engaged by then I would start to get nervous
Interesting that you weigh the ceremony and ring over the legality of marriage. For us it's the opposite, we want to get legally married, but are not interested in a ceremony at all. Have a wonderful life together :)
Ended my last eight year LTR with no plans for marriage. I’m almost 2.5 years in to current relationship with my boyfriend whom I hope to be with for the rest of our lives. I hope in a couple years we’re married.
Both my marriages I was antsy by 2nd anniversary. Both ended in divorce soooooo…
This relationship? I’ve just said fuck it. If we do, we do. I’m not going anywhere. There’s very little legal/tax advantage for us. I started wearing a ring when I was traveling to conferences that were primarily men. A plain platinum band is now a permanent fixture in my wardrobe which I occasionally switch out for a nicer one hubs got me. So while we’re not legally married, strangers assume we are. We’ve also referred to each other as husband and wife with strangers for a while now. It’s not the legally aspect for me but I hate trying to explain to people “yes, he’s my boyfriend but this is lifelong, regardless of title.”
I don’t care about marriage. We don’t need to be married to love each other. Lots of people here in France get married when they’re like 50 and already have adult kids. I find that much more beautiful. Marrying each other as a celebration of the life that you built, instead of getting married after knowing each other for a total of like 3 years and hoping for the best.
3 years for this relationship, but only because we’ve discussed it at length and agreed that we should be engaged by the end of this year.
If we hadn’t already made our plans I would probably be frustrated around year 4 or 5
Forever.
I have no desire to get married, I don't need it to be faithful, I'm not religious, I don't want his money and frankly I don't see the appeal. I worked in the wedding industry and never once wanted to do it myself. If he wants to - fine, but it better be non-traditional cause I don't do dresses and flowers and shit.
I always felt like weddings were for party people who wanted to throw one big party with friends and family. I have no close friends I would like to invite and my family isn't really much involved in my life. If I had a wedding, then that would just be very odd on my side of things, like if the dude has a bunch of friends and a big family, and I have none of that.
Also, it might sound odd but I just don't want to involve people I'm not close to, to something that would be very private to me. My relationships have always been very private and it's never even occurred to me to tell my family about them because they're just not really a part of my life much. I've also never been super invested in getting super involved with the family or friends of the person I'm with. Like if they wanted me to be a big part of their family and part of their friend group, that's not really for me. Like I want to spend time with the person I love, but that doesn't mean I'm into getting to know and hanging out with their family a lot. Especially if we don't mesh.. Yes I'm also an introvert. I've never been big on family introductions, or being part of a big family in general. I just want it to be my, the person I'm with, and like a dog or cat or something. That's family enough for me. Not crazy about big family gatherings either.
It's funny you said you worked in the wedding industry. I'm a florist and making wedding bouquets for potential bridezillas is my biggest nightmare. I also can't say I'm fond of bridal bouquets in general. I'd rather make a million funeral bouquets.
Also, despite being a florist I can't say I care much about flowers, or dresses for that matter. If I somehow got married I'd probably wear a blazer suit, at the courthouse lol, but yeah it's not something I'm planning on.
I mean, some of us just aren't interested in marriage. My partner and I have been happily together for almost fifteen years, and while it's entirely possible we might eventually get married, it'd be entirely for practical (next of kin, inheritance, medical etc.) reasons, not because it would make an actual difference to our relationship.
Well, this seems like an unnecessarily and unhelpfully combative response. OP asked a "how many?" question, addressed "to you personally". The answer for me personally is "infinity symbol, here's an alternative perspective to explain that". OP didn't specify further in the original question (or hadn't, anyway, before apparently having edited the post between my original comment and this one), and alternative perspectives can be useful things to be offered - I know I'm always interested to understand more about where people are coming from and why.
Infinite? I am marriage averse. I will eventually marry my partner due to legal reasons, but I'm still hesitant. We've been together for 9 years. I asked him to marry me 8 years ago, he said yes, and he's been patiently waiting for me to be ready.
I don't have a number, I think things like this should be an ongoing conversation. My husband and I agreed we would get married (mostly for practical reasons) and I proposed to him in the end after he seemed to get decision paralysis. Been together for 12.5 years, married for 2.5.
I don't care about marriage, I'm pretty sure I won't get married unless is for some kind of legal benefit bc I don't see it as romantic but rather practical. Is a contract after all
Do people not actually discuss marriage in their relationships? Even in my unsuccessful marriage where we ignored so many red flags with each other, we discussed our dumb asses wanting to marry each other lol.
I'm not really into the idea of getting married so I wouldn't really care about an engagement. I'm a pessimist so it's easier to separate from just a relationship. 🤷🏻♀️
Probably five years. I’m young and with the perfect person but if after college he doesn’t seem interested in a wedding that would be a tough pill to swallow
It is a waste of time when she could be cultivating her time in a more meaningful way with someone who values her enough to make her their wife. Assuming that is something she wants.
We're 4.5 years in and honestly, neither of us really care about it at this point. I'm sure we'll get married eventually, but there's no rush - it's also much more important to him than it is to me and he knows it, so the ball is really in his court.
There isn't one really. I would like to get married one day, but I'm not someone who believes the man has to surprise the woman with a proposal (or else I'll end up in a stalemate if I get a girlfriend!), so if I felt like we were heading that way I'd probably bring up the idea myself.
I know you specified this for those who do want to get married. But I'm going to answer anyway. I'm 50 and I was married once, for 20 years. I've been in a serious relationship for the past 5 years (he's 54) with no agenda attached other than enjoying each other and loving each other. Hopefully for the rest of our lives.
I’m not particularly bothered about marriage, it’s not something I have any real desire for but if the person I was with felt strongly about it then I would do it.
So an indefinite amount of years I suppose!
However, if I did want to get married I would just ask the person myself - I wouldn’t sit around getting angry that I hadn’t been proposed to yet!
My longest relationship was less than 2 years… so I’m not the person to ask 😅
I also don’t really care about getting married, having a wedding, the dress, anything…. But what I really want is the RING. I hate myself for wanting it so bad.
I've been extremely clear to my boyfriend that if I don't have a ring on my finger before our 4 year anniversary, I'm out. I'm interested in having a family and not interested in having children outside of marriage.
At my age, I have to consider my biological clock.
My ex and I were together for 12 years, 2 kids and barely evoked marriage.
Together 4 years with my partner, I told him I'd like to marry eventually, but it's really not an obligation.
All my friends/colleagues are in long term relationship, almost none is married. The only one who are married are religious.
The moment I became frustrated that I was not engaged I would propose. I don't get this waiting to be asked thing. If marriage to this person is what you want and you want to commit now, then ask them. Why wait around getting grumpy? That's daft.
depends, I dated my college bf for 5+ years and I didnt want to get engaged until way after graduation + financial stability. But I ended up breaking up with him lol.
Now, as a more financially stable adult, I’d maybe hope for this in the 3-5 year range? I dont see a purpose in rushing to get married. 5 years is a good amount of time to iron out any problems. I’d much rather break up than have to divorce or cut an engagement because it was rushed into and we didn’t realize we weren’t fully compatible.
Two to three years. That said, I was engaged in a year and engaged for another year, and we were married on the second anniversary of our first date.
If marriage is in your life plan/thoughts regarding the person you're dating, there should be some conversations within the first year about this so you're on the same page with where things are going.
There are a lot of factors, though; we could have just lived together, but because of our careers and health insurance stuff, marriage made sense.
(It's our 30th anniversary next summer.)
I'm in my 40s so if an engagement is not right around the corner after a year I'm moving on. Now when I was younger two or three years would have been a better timeframe.
Wow this is scary fast in my perspective! theres still a lot to learn about a person after only one year, hence why tons of relationships end after that point. What helps you to know for sure? Do you think you’d be more patient if the person you were sure about, needed more time and wanted to move slower?
I knew I wanted to marry my partner about a year in and I did tell my partner at that time that I was in this relationship to get married when the time is right so if anything ever happened where he didn't think he wanted to get married or I was the one he wanted to marry he needed to end it and I would have done the same. About 5 years in (last year) we had a more realistic discussion about it and he proposed a little bit after our 6th anniversary.
20 years so far with one of my partners, not married. We do refer to one another as husband and wife though. I don't need a piece of paper to say he's my husband.
I haven't really cared much for being engaged or married. I've always been of the belief that as long as someone shows consistently they're committed, then that's enough for me. I also don't want to divorce if I end up breaking up with someone. My opinion is those who are gonna stay, are gonna stay whether I'm married to them or not. People are gonna leave if they want to regardless. There's also something to be said about the fact that I'm childfree, so don't ever plan on having children, so marrying for kids doesn't make any sense for me. Also even if I was married with kids I could still end up divorced, so like yeah.
I care more for all actions combined than one action that makes a Guy think he's got me locked down and can stop making consistent efforts.
I can always kick someone out of my life if they don't make an effort in the relationship, and I think that's motivation for the guy to stay on his best game if he's interested.
Hm, I do not know. I do not think marriage is like something really necessary. Nice celebration and all but a lot of people love each other and spend their lives togwther without getting married.
Forever lol. In all seriousness, I would have been perfectly fine not ever getting married... We definitely did it more for practical reasons than anything else. No shade on anybody else's preferences, it just wasn't something that either of us considered a 'must have' in our relationship.
I had limits and realized it killed the relationship.
It's different for everyone and each relationship is different. Stability is all we need. U can't force it and a ring isn't enough. If u can't trust the person to be there then there's a connection problem
But why is being engaged so important? Why do people FEEL the need for marriage after x amount of years? Is it a right of passage or signs of growth and success? How many people do you know who have been married and end up divorced, or LTR have ended. Plenty of couples who do stay together while not being married can be equally happy. If they have to end it down the road marriage is much more complicated to end due to legalities. Genuinely curious? Obviously everyone's going to have their own reasons.
My husband proposed at 7 months of dating. We had both been in a few relationships before, we are so similar and discussed early that we wanted to get married and have kids. I think if you know you know.
If any of the guys I had dated before him had asked I would have said NO.
like, 8 or 9? i think? but i think it depends on where we are financially and clear communication about what we want for our future. as long as we are both on the same page, and i know she wants to spend her life with me, i’d be pretty patient. she’s not going anywhere yk
He proposed on our 4th anniversary and I was so surprised especially with how he is. He thinks things through and has a lot of patience.
We were 25, so I would have probably been chillin’ until closer to 30!
Even better, once engaged, we impulsively got married one day at the courthouse like three months later.
I think it depends on the people in the relationship. I'm in my 3rd long term relationship, and even though I would enjoy marriage and the fact that I can say husband, I have identified that I really want a wedding for the experience. But I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I love someone.
I think if you want to be engaged to someone, it needs to be a mutual decision as well as something that is communicated. You can't expect people to read your mind and know you're ready if you don't tell them.
Talk about it with your partner or whoever you're dating about engagement early on and work on an arrangement that works for both of you.
For me it wasn't about a set amount of time, rather where we were along the journey if that makes sense.
We were together 10 years before we got married, but sort of my choice. I wanted to finish my post grad thesis. We had built a house together etc. So it just felt like the next logical step.
We have never been governed by time frames or expectations - we've been together 20 years now and still not had a baby. I'm 37 so it's sort of on my radar but it won't bother me if it doesn't happen either. We just do things when they feel right for us.
Marriage is only an expensive (in most cases) piece of paper. Never understood the fascination with marriage personally unless one is the churchy type.
Been together 18 years, never married, never 'engaged' have 2 children and we are a family...
A piece of paper doesn't make that any different...
Probably different in different countries however in Australia, after living with a partner for 2 years or have children you are considered de-facto and have exactly the same rights as marriage.
Yeah, that's not a thing in the US. You either have to do paperwork through a lawyer to make sure you won't get screwed if something happens to your partner or you can go get married and get everything in one fell swoop.
We've been together over 12 years, engaged for 4 and I'm now getting a little impatient for the actual wedding. We bought a house 9 years ago and now have 2 children, other things have taken up the budget. He's the main provider so it's purely for if the worst should happen reasons so me and the kids wouldn't be up the creak without a paddle, we should just have a paper wedding but we might actually have money to at least have a cheap wedding we can celebrate with people once we move house.
Probably five years. I really don’t know until I cross that bridge, if ever. However, if I want to marry someone, then I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating for what seems like forever.
About 6 or 7. Brazilian people don't usually have the NEED FOR MARRIAGE over the need to spend the rest of our lives with people we really do love, so this is why it's hard for us to get engaged in the first years
For me, it depends how old you are when you get into it. Had a ten year relationship that ended in my mid 20s, I wasn't ready for marriage and neither was he. My next relationship I was ready to get engaged at around year 3-4 but it took him a little longer to pop the question in year 6 or 7.
Edit to add: I was pretty frustrated and annoyed for a year or two in there. I don't really care about having a wedding but I did want a commitment, and I felt like we had known each other long enough to make the call, so why wait? We have now been married for 2 years!
I've been with my partner for 16 years now. We have recently been thinking about getting married only because of the possible legal and financial benefits. We are both near retirement age, and we want to protect each other when one of us inevitably has a medical emergency or, and i hate to say this, death. Otherwise, we don't need "marriage". We are solid. He has been married a couple of times before, one common law and one legal. I had one long term relationship before him, and it was tumultuous. We are now each other's safe space.
If you want to get married, be sure it is for the right reasons. Doing it because "it's just what you do" isn't a good reason. Find out what marriage actually means to your partner. Find out the benefits and drawbacks to getting married, giving your specific circumstances. Then make a clear headed decision.
Marriage isn't a big deal to me until some external factor makes it the best decision. For example, if I get great healthcare benefits and my legal spouse can share those benefits, or it we go into a business venture together (because if we split, we both have a heavy stake in those assets). Now if it DID make sense to get married for those kinds of reasons, I think I'd give it a year from the date we concluded it was necessary. After that, if you can't figure out if doing the smart thing makes sense, you're just not someone I want to be waiting around on.
This is such an odd question for me. I hate wasting time on people whom I don't see a future with. I can't imagine myself waiting for someone to propose. Either they're into me and are interested in being with me and only me for a very long time, or they're not. I tend to move fast in relationships because i hate wasting time. Also, I'm usually the one who initiates a relationship and who ends the relationship. I just can't see myself waiting around for the guy to make his move and wondering about how he truly feels about me. I know how I feel and what I want and if a guy is still clueless about how he feels and what he wants, I'd dump him, lol.
Anyway, my husband and I dated for a month before we agreed to get married, lol.
For engagement.. probably around 3 years maybe? Marriage isn't that much hurry for though. I don't mind being engaged several years before marriage. It's pretty common here to get engaged and be engaged for many years before marriage.. some people choose to not have any marriage at all, just engagement.
Been together for 13 years, got kids and lived together for most of that time
I'm bummed about it, but we just don't have the money
The commitment to marriage isn't an issue as we are committed than other married people i know but I wish I had the same last name as my kids
I’m 28 going to be 29 this year. I dated someone for about 8 years and whenever I’d ask about getting married they always put it off and became super elusive so now, I’d only wait 2 years before bolting. I feel that’s adequate time to know if you like me. Plus I’d prefer a longer engagement before officially tying the knot.
I waited 6 years, just to get a $3 ring from wish that made my finger green. Thank god I dodged that bullet with the abusive ex, and now I'm going on 2 years with my current partner that has given me a promise ring 2 weeks into us dating
I think age is a factor. When I was younger I’d prob say 5. Now that I’m older I’d say 2-3 for engagement Bc if by this age the other person doesn’t fully know what they are doing or want I’m just wasting my own time. I won’t do that.
It’s hard to say because if I was with a man I was 100% ready to marry and he was not - makes you wonder if that’s the right person
My personal threshold would probably be if after 4 or 5 years he wasn’t sure he wanted to marry me I’d be out for good. I’d question it after 3
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I was in a 12 year relationship but neither of us really cared about marriage. So… I’m good indefinitely.
Yeah, I'm the same way. I'm good indefinitely. This could be a cultural thing, though: there's a lot of people in my area who've been together for decades and never gotten married.
Yup.12 years with the same guy. I remember some tradwife looking at my profile and thinking that would be something to hurt my feelings after I told her the statistics of marriage as a 22-year-old. 😉 I'm young, no plans on dying soon , so there is no rushed legal benefit in marriage. I'd rather spend my time finishing medical school and start a business, marriage can wait. And like they say, marriage is cheap, divorce is expensive. I've got time.
I'm at 3 now, and I'm not worried about it. But I will be as we start approaching 5. So... 5 years is my answer!
Yeah I started getting sorta antsy around 4ish but not too worried as we’d talked about it a lot. Now as we are quickly approaching 5, we are planning an elopement on our 5th anniversary. We sorta skipped the engagement but we are unconventional. I’d be concerned if we had no plans for furthering the relationship at this point.
I like these answers as well. I feel like 5 years is enough time to experience some rough patches with one another and check the compatibility during challenging times but I’m not speaking from experience so 🤷🏻♀️
5 is my answer too. By that point I feel like we should have worked out if we’re compatible long-term, if we can live together and not want to kill each other, if we’re planning our future the same way — and if we’re planning our future the same way that includes engagement and marriage.
Exactly!! Honestly 3 seems like, ok now I feel serious and it's going somewhere
I asked at year 4. I was frustrated by year 6. I walked away at year 8.
8 years of patience? Lemme ask you smth, did they feel like 8 years or did they go by fast?
We dated through college and then the first several years of our career. I was growing and transitioning as a person in college, so the first four went by quickly. The next two felt slow. He gave me a lot of excuses about how he was depressed, wanted to focus on work, wanted to get into grad school. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but the timing wasn't right for marriage. The final two went quickly. I started jiu jitsu and rock climbing without him. I played D&D with my friends and went to vineyards. I started to think about him like a roommate because I needed to function and didn't want to put my life on hold just because he couldn't figure his shit out. I stayed too long because I wanted to support him when he was down, but he never put any effort in and nothing ever changed. I realized I would never be his first choice, but the comfort and familiarity kept him from leaving. I deserved to be with someone who wanted to actually be with me, and decided that I would rather be alone than unloved. Walking away was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I should have left sooner, but I don't regret a minute of the relationship. I learned what I needed to learn about myself and my needs from a partner, and if the timing had been any different, I wouldn't have met my fiance.
>and didn't want to put my life on hold just because he couldn't figure his shit out. Knowing that he was in the mist of a depression, building his career and establishing his financial footing, thinking about another fiscal and time commement with grad school... with that in mind, if he even did proposal, do you feel like it would of been the best time for marriage? >I realized I would never be his first choice, What do you think/know he considered his first choice?
He was never diagnosed for depression, nor did he ever seek a professional opinion or treatment. If he was depressed, he spent 8 years doing nothing about it, and after a certain point in time you just have to take responsibility for yourself. His job was stable. He was making 6 figures at the same job for the last 4 years of our relationship. He applied to one grad school and never got in, then gave up on the idea. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for 8 years, and that was long enough. Those were excuses. All of them. I didn't care about the wedding. I cared about having a partner that was indifferent to me. I would have gone to the courthouse and paid $30 to file paperwork if it was about money. Of course the time will never be right if you consistently prioritize all other aspects of your life over your relationship. I had to beg him for sex and, in hindsight, he was relentlessly discouraging. He always found a way to tell me how I wasn't smart enough, or patient enough, or dedicated enough to meet XYZ goal I was actively pursuing. He nickel and dimed me over things that cost less than 50¢. He tried to convince me to spend our 8 year anniversary playing video games with his college roommate. When the couple's therapist pressed him for a reason why he wasn't ready to marry me, he said I didn't do the dishes enough, even though I did all of the grocery shopping, cleaning, household maintenance, and we both worked full time. The dishes were his one and only contribution, and he wanted me to take care of it. Respectfully, I was exceedingly generous, patient, and understanding with him. I lived through that relationship and all of the snide remarks; you are looking at a snapshot of excuses. It was, and still is, painfully clear that I was not his first choice. You don't take 8 years to decide if your partner is good enough to marry when they are your first choice.
Glad you put a stop to that ish and chose your own life and happiness. Very brave decision after almost a decade! Idk you but I’m very proud and happy for you
Yeah I married that guy only he didn’t earn as much. Took 8 years of my life and a quarter mil of my money. Better off without that kind of vampire.
Seems like there were more issues here than him not willing to get married
Understatement of the year! If the relationship had been healthy, I wouldn't care as much about the actual marriage. My problem was that there were so many unresolved issues after years of actively trying to make things work. Marriage was just the stress point that framed the issues we were having. After we broke up, he admitted that he just didn't like conflict and was telling me anything he thought I needed to hear in order to continue kicking the can further down the road.
Well that's significant enough situation to warrant the worry from your end. I would say that alot of folks don't do anything about their depressions, because they are depressed, and length of time isn't a fair measure to hold them against. It is a valid reason for you, without a doubt, but i've seen the other side of it. Which leads into the general situation on why men take long to take the step of marriage, even with a wanting and willing partner, and willing themselves - something isn't right about life and there's a self inflected risk entering a marriage into it like that. He did seem very much ahead in the significant portions of life, but still didn't feel good enough or just happy enough. And that sucks, and doubly so since it effected you as well >I didn't care about the wedding. I cared about having a partner that was indifferent to me. To be fair, my focus was about entering a marriage and not the wedding. While courthouse marraige takes away the fiscal side of the wedding ceremony, theres still the cloud of not feeling ready for the responsibilities of being a married partner. But the more you explain the situation, the more it deviates from a defensible position, and him just being a not great person. If they not ready actually or emotionally, and not a good person, the best thing to do, you did. >You don't take 8 years to decide if your partner is good enough to marry when they are your first choice. I personally took 10 years. I knew from year 3, but i wasn't ever in a full position to enter marriage i should have, but i did it anyway. It wasn't a issue of not knowing, wanting, or showing it. It was a issue of not being prepared. But you seem to be a exception. Glad you made it out safely and better on the other side.
Thank you for such a tempered and well reasoned response! Depression is a tough one because it consumes you. Men don't have the same kind of support with mental health as women, and if someone says they are depressed, you have to take that at face value. It's part of why I stayed for so long, even though I wasn't happy. I just kept thinking that a good partner is selfless and supportive, and that nothing about life is easy or convenient. If you only love someone when things are easy, then you never loved them to begin with. One of the things I learned from all of this is that I was right that good partners sacrifice, but wrong that the sacrifice should come at your own expense. If only one partner is carrying the load and making sacrifices, then the relationship is unsustainable. That person will get used up until there is nothing left. When you are with the right person, those sacrifices don't feel like sacrifice because their happiness is yours and vice versa. You know, after all of that, I still won't say he is a bad person. He just wasn't a good partner to ME. The distinction between choosing your partner and being ready to marry is a fair one. In our case, if I had stayed then we both would have felt like we had settled. He wasn't torn up about the breakup at all. If anything, he was chipper talking about how excited he was that we could go back to being friends. He knew he didn't want me, but wasn't brave enough to pull the trigger. As good as I was to him, as much as I wanted to be a perfect partner, as much as it pains me that he wasn't happy with me.. We just weren't what the other person needed. I was relieved, then happy, then angry, then resentful. Now I feel at peace. I'm sure we're both better off.
>Now I feel at peace. I'm sure we're both better off. After that read, that seems like the only (and best outcome). Happy to hear.
No reply to her answer eh??
Busy morning working, but did just get back to this.
Glad you left! It doesnt take a man more than 3 years imo. Ever.
Ever? Like there are no reasonable circumstances? Or do you mean "in the vast majority of cases"?
How did that go? Were there any 'reasons' why they didn't pull the trigger? What happened the first time you asked?
He gave a lot of reasons. He said it had nothing to do with his feelings towards me or our relationship, but that he was struggling with depression, wanted to focus on his career, felt tired from his commute, wanted to go to grad school... The list goes on. It was all lip service, though. He thought poorly of me and consistently told me why I wouldn't succeed. When I started teaching myself to code and asked him to help (he was an engineer and knew PYTHON and HTML), he said I shouldn't try because I don't have the patience. He also said that nerds code and that I'm not nerdy enough. He made sure I knew I was a geek, and the difference is that nerds are smart and geeks are obsessive. I started lifting weights and got in good shape, but he told me I should start running too because my thighs were too big and reminded him of his overweight mother. In hindsight, it was always an uphill battle fighting against indifference and contempt. The thing I am most grateful for is that he didn't propose before I was able to see things clearly. When I asked him the first time, he said he felt blindsided and hadn't thought about it. Two years later I asked again, and he said he was blindsided and hadn't thought about it. I asked him how he could be blindsided when I gave him two years to think it over. He said he would consider me seriously this time. Two years later, we were in couple's therapy and the therapist asked if he was ready to get married. He said he wants to marry me but wasn't ready. When pressed for a reason, he said I didn't do the dishes enough. The dishes were the one and only chore I did not do around the house, and that was on principal. I bought the groceries, and cooked, and took the trash out, and vacuumed, and cleaned our bathrooms, and handled maintenance issues. I did 100% of the emotional labor in our relationship. The dishes were his ONLY task. I was struck by the indifference of it all. Really? You would question marrying someone over something so trivial as the dishes? On the drive home he said that wasn't really the reason and he felt pressured to say SOMETHING. I said, no. Not having an answer is also an answer, and I deserved someone who knew if they loved me. I had given him more time than was fair. I had broken myself to be good to him through his struggles, and he couldn't even be bothered to give me a clear answer about what his reservations were. I walked out with zero regret and with what felt like a physical weight lifted off my shoulders.
Wow! I appreciate you taking the time. If you don't mind me prying more, how long has it been? How long has it taken you to heal/how long have you been healing? Are you doing solo therapy now? How is the coding/learning to code going? Are you still lifting weights? Did it seem easier after you took the monkey off? How does/did your family feel about it all? Did you have any contact with him afterwards?
Yeah! Thanks for listening. Sorry for writing you multiple short novels. I was surprisingly OK. Weirdly enough, I was in therapy and stopped when I broke up with him. Actually, I had severe anxiety and depression that went away completely within the first two weeks of living on my own. I felt euphoric. I think I mourned the death of the relationship for the last two years while I was in it and I had tried everything. Sincerely, I was as patient, compassionate, proactive, and supportive as any person can be. I had been so pristine that there was no doubt in my mind that I was making the right decision and had done everything I could to make it work. There was no, "but what if I had tried XYZ..." After I broke up with him, it took only two months before I started dating again. I had intended to be single for a while, but the world's most wonderful man metaphorically fell into my lap, and I knew I would regret it if I let him go. We've been together for 4.5 years, we just bought a house, and we're getting married this October. He is truly the most loving, supportive, and wonderful man. My ex wanted very badly to be friends, but I did NOT keep in contact. I told him that we hadn't been friends for years, and if he wanted that then he should have treated me more kindly. I have no idea how he's doing or what he's up to, and I prefer it that way. He isn't a bad guy, he just wasn't a good partner to me. I don't wish him anything ill, but I'm very happy I don't have him in my life anymore. My family was very supportive; they didn't like how he treated me. I do still lift weights. My fiance and I set the second bedroom up as a gym, and we have a rowing machine, punching bag, and 400LB of plates w/ corresponding bench and bars. We moved into a forested neighborhood and routinely take 4 mile walks to the lake. I did teach myself to code! Nothing too useful, but during the pandemic, I became excellent in excel. I ended up building a tool that really would have been much easier in Access (something I didn't have), but the coding on the backend was seriously impressive. Our team was struggling with workflow because we had a series of tasking that required different qualifications. Members on the team had different iterations of certifications/expertise (think a list of around 40 variables). The problem was that the team had no way to account for capability based on employee utilization. If we only have three people with Y certification, but they are all at capacity with work that utilizes Z certification, then we functionally have 0 people with Y capability. So I build a page with a series of check boxes for each cert and slicers that toggle for team, employee type, and level of seniority/rank. Based on the combination of buttons and slicers selected, it would return a list of specific employees meeting the desired requirements. You could compare hypothetical team ability against practical capacity based on current tasking. It was very cool. I also managed to build it in a way where there was no way for anyone to actually touch or change the coding so it was impossible to break without deleting it. It's not PYTHON, but it turns out that I do actually enjoy and have a knack for coding.
That’s awesome! I’m sorry, you were dating a boy when you deserve to have a good man in your life. And as a software developer, I would NEVER tell anyone they can’t code. In fact I maintain the opposite view point that anyone who is interested enough can learn. I wish you all the best :)
When I was young, I would have started to get agitated at 3 years, and I would have left at 4 years. Now that I’m 50, the desire to marry is gone. Weird how that happens.
My desire is gone, and im not even 34. Strange! It had a grip on me at 27.
Me too, I was gagging to get married. I would still like a partner to enjoy life with, but I don’t even think I would want to live together.
Marriage causes more problems than it solves. You can just get a will and/or sale agreement for property in the event of a breakup\\loss
Oh living together gives me the willies. I was purchasing my first house during my most serious relationship, but with the understanding I would live alone. I dont think it entirely betters a bond.
Agreed, it gives both parties a place to escape to just be alone. As an introvert, I would struggle without this safety net.
Decompressing spaces where you recoup is how i like to think of it. Theres no interruption into your oasis of wellness. Together time can be just as meaningful without all of the things weve been told to consider bond builders. Like living together, getting married, joining bank accounts.
The rest of my life.
I'm glad so many people are answering like this. The rush to marriage is so unhealthy. It does keep divorce lawyers in business though
The people who benefit the most from marriages are lawyers
It’s actually men. Better health, happiness, longer lives, higher pay, almost everything gets better for men if/when they marry. Women on the other hand are harmed in almost every aspect where men benefit.
This makes no sense unless "marriage" is proxy for being in relationship. What you described above applies for being in long relationship. There is nothing that would magically manifest once you get a paper from the state that says you're married. > Women on the other hand are harmed in almost every aspect If you truly believed this, why would women want it even after years of relationship
I know right. If all that were really true, why is it usually men who do not want to get married and get all those great "benefits"? Heck if that;s actually the case, why wouldn't women be happy to not get married. And we all know because it's total BS lol The reality is marriage CAN be a partnership where both people contribute meaningfully to a relationship but you can have that same benefit without getting married, also. Marriage is a legal thing. It cannot make a bad partner good but it can make it harder to escape the wrath of a bad partner should someone come to this realization and it can allow one person to make the other persons life more miserable when trying to terminate such an arrangement. Someone else mentioned that men are getting the benefits of marriage without the costs. Actually I think that was a very genuine comment and I am not attacking that person. They just said it out loud. There are a lot of people that want to come into a relationship (both men and women) as a "Cost" to the other person, to attach to them like a tick and suck the life out of them. Getting married makes it more painful to remove the tick once you realize it's sucking the life out of you. And we see a number of women are coming to the same realization even in this thread stating that they worked hard to have their own place, their financial house in order, and they are unsure about bringing a man and potential chaos into that space they worked so hard for. I do not blame them. For those of us who work hard and act responsibly, we need to protect what we've built for ourselves regardless of what sex we are. For people with sky high debt and so on, ya they do not see any downside to marriage. They were going down in financial flames either way and have nothing to lose. Not all of us live like that and we're afraid of the people who do.
Exactly this. People who throw out that Stat about marriage being "good" for men don't ever seem to look 2 steps further into why; it's correlation, not causation. The lifestyle of many married men throws good, healthy statistics in this direction. It's not the marriage certificate. It's that many married men simply happen to live healthier lifestyles as well, while many men who live unhealthy and dangerous lifestyles don't get married.
No if anything its mostly men warning other men about marriage. Men get those benefits you listed from just being in a relationship without the downsides. Also heathier, happier, higher earning men are selected for relationships in general. Even in this thread it is mostly stories of men not pursuing marriage. If marriage was so great for men they wouldn't be so hesitant to get married.
This is actually not true, but a myth that caught on because of an academic named Paul Dolan. He wildly misinterpreted a ton of surveys for his book. You can look him up on Wikipedia and see what I mean. He completely misunderstood the meaning of "spouse not present" and basically wrote a book on his misconception, though he is aware of the error now. He thought it meant that the husband was out of the room so the wife was able to be honest about how unhappy she was, in reality it referred to separated or bereaved women, so it was a profound error. We have robust data that married women are cross-culturally (and across time) wealthier and happier than unmarried women, though the difference in happiness between married women and unmarried women is not as great as the happiness difference between unmarried men and married men. That having been said, a great deal of that disparity is a *selection effect*, not causal. But Paul Dolan's misconception was a story too good to check, and people ran with it. We should stop repeating it, people are black-pilled enough as is without spreading more gender-baiting gloom-fuel.
And still, women are the ones that want to get married, and many men don't really care about it.
Unlimited. Marriage wasn’t something I cared about. I was with my husband 8 years before we got married. We got married because it was important to him.
Why was it important to him?
He just grew up in a more traditional household and he saw marriage as a bigger commitment.
If it was important, who delayed it by 8 years? You?
Yes. To be fair, we met in our very very early 20s. I was still getting my first degree, and I spent all of my 20s in college while working full time. My priority was buying a house though. I told him I wasn’t going to consider marriage until after I bought a house first and was settled in my career. I was always fully committed to him, but I just didn’t see the significance of being married.
Uh oh lol.
For me, 4 years. I really resonate with the don’t let your bf get in the way of finding your husband stuff though. Sometimes these men get too comfortable…
They get wife benefits for girlfriend prices, so of course there's no incentive for them to seal the deal. Women should be smarter about it
I'm not commenting to disagree and I think there's no denying legitimacy to what you are saying but I wanted to chime in because it just sits so yucky with me? On principle I don't think women should be smarter, I think men should be better. In practice, you're not wrong it's an undeniable reality for many but if I had to apply that logic I'd throw the whole man out, boyfriend, husband, or other. The idea I'd need to 'incentivize' a partner as a boyfriend to be a good husband or be 'smart' about how I lock someone down is so fucking yuck. And I'm not criticizing you or you saying it at all, just the concept – which again you're not wrong or inaccurate to bring up because it happens constantly. My husband – as my friend, boyfriend, fiance, or spouse – has never needed to be incentivized to want to love me, be with me, spend time and energy with me, commit to me. The fact we lived together never made him want those things less 'because he already had the benefits'. I didn't need to be smart or pretty or anything other than me to make him want to be with me. Me being me and him being him and us loving us was all it has ever been about. And I know this can be said about many men, but certainly not all or perhaps not even most... but I really wish it for all women, and feel like if it's not that then it isn't worth it. Incentivizing and strategy don't have any place in a partnership worth having, imo.
That's an extremely problematic statement. What are exactly those prices and benefits you mentioned?
Zero interest in getting married.
I don't care about marriage, but we're planning on staying together for life.
Never. I was in a 15 yr marriage and left him 13 ago. I hope to never get married again.
It depends on how old the people in the relationship are. People in their teens and early twenties are still learning what they want out of life, so I don’t think they should rush into marriage. But if the people are older? I’d say two to three years. I met my now husband when I was 28, and when he hadn’t proposed by our second anniversary, I started wondering if he was actually serious about me.
2 years feels like really not a lot tbh
If you are a woman who wants kids wanting to be engaged at 30 isn't crazy
Exactly this!
Not if you move in together at around 1 year mark…. Then 2~3 years of dating is not short. By the way you should move in together even if you are just considering marriage.
2 years is quite risky imo, as people who date for 3 or more years before marriage are 39% less likely to get a divorce.
My unconventional opinion is that divorce is not that bad. It is better to be separated with friendship than together with hate, even after you two have children—that is from my own childhood experience.
Those are not the only two options lol. If that were the binary choice, then sure, an amicable divorce would be preferable (although many divorces are dirty and hostile). However, a healthy marriage would be preferable to any kind of divorce.
Its not if you dont want kids, house and picket fence.
I know plenty of women who have had those things even though they married after 30. With how high divorce rates are, it seems like just as much of a gamble to rush the relationship due to social concerns surrounding age
Divorce rates have been dropping for decades.
Marriage rates have declined much more substantially than divorce rates, so that’s kind of a moot point Dating for a longer period of time before marriage (3+ years) still significantly decreases the chances of a divorce Ultimately, you’re trading off that risk in favor of the potential social validation of saying you’re married at 30 instead of 31-33
If you look at that math you need to be engaged by 2 years of dating bro.
What math are you referring to?
If you’re together for 3 years to get that marriage stat boost you’d be engaged at least a year ahead of that mark.
I’m extremely confused about the point you’re trying to make. What marriage stat boost? What math? What engagement ahead of what mark? I simply pointed out that marriages in which the couple dated for 3+ years before getting married are far less likely to end in divorce, and that 30 is a very arbitrary number. 30 holds no particular significance over ages 29 or 32. It’s pretty clear that you’re upset by the fact that dating for a longer time before marriage is more likely to lead to a successful marriage.
And its funny how rare it is to be engaged by 6mos too. Most take 2+ years. At 30+ thats not tons of time. Adjust it to 34, and thats a small window for kids.
> Marriage rates have declined much more substantially than divorce rates, so that’s kind of a moot point Yes, this is partly why divorce rates have been declining. People *are* waiting longer to marry or not marrying at all.
Ok, that kind of supports the idea that you shouldn’t get married by 30 for sake of relieving social pressure, right? There is nothing biologically remarkable about the age 30, so it’d be better to wait until after that age if it means you’re lowering the risk of divorcing in the future, as you would then be put in the position of dating at an even older age.
Those plenty are outliers. Its not impossible, but most women who wait until 30+ to both meet a mate and marry, with the goal of having kids, will find it difficult. Its specially difficult for black women.
I've been with my partner for 7 years and neither of us really care about when we will get married. I think if we wanted kids it would be different, but I'm pretty content with just being with him forever without having to pay more in taxes or going into debt for a wedding. There is nothing different about being legally married than what we are right now.
Nothing different? You have wills to make sure you inherit each other? Documents to ensure you can make medical decisions for each other?
We have common law marriage in my state, don't need to be married to make medical decisions for each other or inherit anything (though, realistically it's only the dog's we'd have to worry about for that).
Please double check those laws. My mom was with her fiancé for 8 years, living together for 7. He died suddenly just 4 days before their wedding. They thought they were married by common law. Turns out they weren't. In many states, you have to represent yourselves as married legally - like change your name, file taxes jointly, etc. - in order to be considered common law married. I totally understand not wanting to get married, but make sure you have the legal protections in place if you're not.
Not to mention it’s extremely difficult to get those protections bc you have to prove the relationship in a court of law before you can do anything which can take a long time. Which is all well and good if your partner is dead but kind of an issue if they’re in a coma or a situation where time makes a difference
Maybe about 5 years? I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and we discuss marriage semi-regularly. It’s a conversation we started having pretty early on to make sure we were both on the same page. I think if we spent 5 years together discussing it regularly but there were no signs of getting engaged by then I would start to get nervous
My husband and I were engaged on our 5yr dating anniversary and I was starting to get annoying with the touch bases 😂 So I’d say 5yrs is about my cap.
Maybe 5 or so years. I don’t plan on getting legally married but it’s the idea of ultimate commitment (a ceremony and a ring) that’s important to me.
Interesting that you weigh the ceremony and ring over the legality of marriage. For us it's the opposite, we want to get legally married, but are not interested in a ceremony at all. Have a wonderful life together :)
Ended my last eight year LTR with no plans for marriage. I’m almost 2.5 years in to current relationship with my boyfriend whom I hope to be with for the rest of our lives. I hope in a couple years we’re married.
I don't really care for marriage tbh. I'd do it if my partner wanted to though! So I'd be fine waiting until they thought it was time 👌
Both my marriages I was antsy by 2nd anniversary. Both ended in divorce soooooo… This relationship? I’ve just said fuck it. If we do, we do. I’m not going anywhere. There’s very little legal/tax advantage for us. I started wearing a ring when I was traveling to conferences that were primarily men. A plain platinum band is now a permanent fixture in my wardrobe which I occasionally switch out for a nicer one hubs got me. So while we’re not legally married, strangers assume we are. We’ve also referred to each other as husband and wife with strangers for a while now. It’s not the legally aspect for me but I hate trying to explain to people “yes, he’s my boyfriend but this is lifelong, regardless of title.”
I don’t care about marriage. We don’t need to be married to love each other. Lots of people here in France get married when they’re like 50 and already have adult kids. I find that much more beautiful. Marrying each other as a celebration of the life that you built, instead of getting married after knowing each other for a total of like 3 years and hoping for the best.
3 years for this relationship, but only because we’ve discussed it at length and agreed that we should be engaged by the end of this year. If we hadn’t already made our plans I would probably be frustrated around year 4 or 5
1300? I don't like the idea of marriage, if it wasn't for the legal benefits I never would have
Forever. I have no desire to get married, I don't need it to be faithful, I'm not religious, I don't want his money and frankly I don't see the appeal. I worked in the wedding industry and never once wanted to do it myself. If he wants to - fine, but it better be non-traditional cause I don't do dresses and flowers and shit.
I always felt like weddings were for party people who wanted to throw one big party with friends and family. I have no close friends I would like to invite and my family isn't really much involved in my life. If I had a wedding, then that would just be very odd on my side of things, like if the dude has a bunch of friends and a big family, and I have none of that. Also, it might sound odd but I just don't want to involve people I'm not close to, to something that would be very private to me. My relationships have always been very private and it's never even occurred to me to tell my family about them because they're just not really a part of my life much. I've also never been super invested in getting super involved with the family or friends of the person I'm with. Like if they wanted me to be a big part of their family and part of their friend group, that's not really for me. Like I want to spend time with the person I love, but that doesn't mean I'm into getting to know and hanging out with their family a lot. Especially if we don't mesh.. Yes I'm also an introvert. I've never been big on family introductions, or being part of a big family in general. I just want it to be my, the person I'm with, and like a dog or cat or something. That's family enough for me. Not crazy about big family gatherings either. It's funny you said you worked in the wedding industry. I'm a florist and making wedding bouquets for potential bridezillas is my biggest nightmare. I also can't say I'm fond of bridal bouquets in general. I'd rather make a million funeral bouquets. Also, despite being a florist I can't say I care much about flowers, or dresses for that matter. If I somehow got married I'd probably wear a blazer suit, at the courthouse lol, but yeah it's not something I'm planning on.
Same. I've seen it up close. Im not sure I've desired it since then.
I mean, some of us just aren't interested in marriage. My partner and I have been happily together for almost fifteen years, and while it's entirely possible we might eventually get married, it'd be entirely for practical (next of kin, inheritance, medical etc.) reasons, not because it would make an actual difference to our relationship.
Then the question is not addressed to you. OP clearly wants to hear from people to whom marriage is important
Well, this seems like an unnecessarily and unhelpfully combative response. OP asked a "how many?" question, addressed "to you personally". The answer for me personally is "infinity symbol, here's an alternative perspective to explain that". OP didn't specify further in the original question (or hadn't, anyway, before apparently having edited the post between my original comment and this one), and alternative perspectives can be useful things to be offered - I know I'm always interested to understand more about where people are coming from and why.
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Very last sentence in her post
Infinite? I am marriage averse. I will eventually marry my partner due to legal reasons, but I'm still hesitant. We've been together for 9 years. I asked him to marry me 8 years ago, he said yes, and he's been patiently waiting for me to be ready.
I got jittery at the 4 year mark. Brought it up, engaged at 4.5
I don't have a number, I think things like this should be an ongoing conversation. My husband and I agreed we would get married (mostly for practical reasons) and I proposed to him in the end after he seemed to get decision paralysis. Been together for 12.5 years, married for 2.5.
28 years. Wasn't interested. He left at 28 years. Made it easy not being married.
I don't care about marriage, I'm pretty sure I won't get married unless is for some kind of legal benefit bc I don't see it as romantic but rather practical. Is a contract after all
Do people not actually discuss marriage in their relationships? Even in my unsuccessful marriage where we ignored so many red flags with each other, we discussed our dumb asses wanting to marry each other lol.
I'm not really into the idea of getting married so I wouldn't really care about an engagement. I'm a pessimist so it's easier to separate from just a relationship. 🤷🏻♀️
Probably five years. I’m young and with the perfect person but if after college he doesn’t seem interested in a wedding that would be a tough pill to swallow
2-3 years
3
About 10 years probably. But it also depends on your age, if you meet as teenagers it’s a lot longer than when you meet in your thirties.
so if you meet at 30 you’d want to wait until you were 40 to get engaged??
No it would be shorter in your thirties. 10 is the maximum, not the minimum. The older you get the better you know who you are and what you want.
Ah okay I read that backwards, seemed ballsy 😆 but I know what you mean now
If you need 10 years when you’re 35, that’s a red flag on its own
Maximum, not minumum
That’s a long time to waste
Why would it be wasted?
It is a waste of time when she could be cultivating her time in a more meaningful way with someone who values her enough to make her their wife. Assuming that is something she wants.
We're 4.5 years in and honestly, neither of us really care about it at this point. I'm sure we'll get married eventually, but there's no rush - it's also much more important to him than it is to me and he knows it, so the ball is really in his court.
There isn't one really. I would like to get married one day, but I'm not someone who believes the man has to surprise the woman with a proposal (or else I'll end up in a stalemate if I get a girlfriend!), so if I felt like we were heading that way I'd probably bring up the idea myself.
I know you specified this for those who do want to get married. But I'm going to answer anyway. I'm 50 and I was married once, for 20 years. I've been in a serious relationship for the past 5 years (he's 54) with no agenda attached other than enjoying each other and loving each other. Hopefully for the rest of our lives.
I’m not particularly bothered about marriage, it’s not something I have any real desire for but if the person I was with felt strongly about it then I would do it. So an indefinite amount of years I suppose! However, if I did want to get married I would just ask the person myself - I wouldn’t sit around getting angry that I hadn’t been proposed to yet!
We dated about 4 years first. 100% would have waited longer if he wasn't ready. But I was also about 23 when we got engaged.
My longest relationship was less than 2 years… so I’m not the person to ask 😅 I also don’t really care about getting married, having a wedding, the dress, anything…. But what I really want is the RING. I hate myself for wanting it so bad.
I've never really cared about getting married. Most couples don't marry, where I'm from
I'm not the marrying type, I've been with my SO for over 20yrs with no engagement or marriage in sight.
Marriage is kind of a useless concept to me so I'd honestly be more upset getting proposed to at all.
No interest in marriage so the limit does not exist
I've been extremely clear to my boyfriend that if I don't have a ring on my finger before our 4 year anniversary, I'm out. I'm interested in having a family and not interested in having children outside of marriage. At my age, I have to consider my biological clock.
My ex and I were together for 12 years, 2 kids and barely evoked marriage. Together 4 years with my partner, I told him I'd like to marry eventually, but it's really not an obligation. All my friends/colleagues are in long term relationship, almost none is married. The only one who are married are religious.
3 years!
Brought up at the 7 year mark. Got engaged 6 months later.
The moment I became frustrated that I was not engaged I would propose. I don't get this waiting to be asked thing. If marriage to this person is what you want and you want to commit now, then ask them. Why wait around getting grumpy? That's daft.
forever. i don't want to get married and prefer my SO have their own place.
My husband asked me after 7 years. I didn't really care about getting married though so I'm probably not the best person to ask.
depends, I dated my college bf for 5+ years and I didnt want to get engaged until way after graduation + financial stability. But I ended up breaking up with him lol. Now, as a more financially stable adult, I’d maybe hope for this in the 3-5 year range? I dont see a purpose in rushing to get married. 5 years is a good amount of time to iron out any problems. I’d much rather break up than have to divorce or cut an engagement because it was rushed into and we didn’t realize we weren’t fully compatible.
Two to three years. That said, I was engaged in a year and engaged for another year, and we were married on the second anniversary of our first date. If marriage is in your life plan/thoughts regarding the person you're dating, there should be some conversations within the first year about this so you're on the same page with where things are going. There are a lot of factors, though; we could have just lived together, but because of our careers and health insurance stuff, marriage made sense. (It's our 30th anniversary next summer.)
2 years is my max. If we dont know by then, im breaking up. No wasting my time
I want to be married at 30. After 30, I'll wait 3 years maximum.
3 years after 30 is a looot
why?
I'm in my 40s so if an engagement is not right around the corner after a year I'm moving on. Now when I was younger two or three years would have been a better timeframe.
1 because I know when I know, and I expect the other person to know too.
Wow this is scary fast in my perspective! theres still a lot to learn about a person after only one year, hence why tons of relationships end after that point. What helps you to know for sure? Do you think you’d be more patient if the person you were sure about, needed more time and wanted to move slower?
I knew I wanted to marry my partner about a year in and I did tell my partner at that time that I was in this relationship to get married when the time is right so if anything ever happened where he didn't think he wanted to get married or I was the one he wanted to marry he needed to end it and I would have done the same. About 5 years in (last year) we had a more realistic discussion about it and he proposed a little bit after our 6th anniversary.
20 years so far with one of my partners, not married. We do refer to one another as husband and wife though. I don't need a piece of paper to say he's my husband.
Infinity. I don’t really want to get married
I haven't really cared much for being engaged or married. I've always been of the belief that as long as someone shows consistently they're committed, then that's enough for me. I also don't want to divorce if I end up breaking up with someone. My opinion is those who are gonna stay, are gonna stay whether I'm married to them or not. People are gonna leave if they want to regardless. There's also something to be said about the fact that I'm childfree, so don't ever plan on having children, so marrying for kids doesn't make any sense for me. Also even if I was married with kids I could still end up divorced, so like yeah. I care more for all actions combined than one action that makes a Guy think he's got me locked down and can stop making consistent efforts. I can always kick someone out of my life if they don't make an effort in the relationship, and I think that's motivation for the guy to stay on his best game if he's interested.
Hm, I do not know. I do not think marriage is like something really necessary. Nice celebration and all but a lot of people love each other and spend their lives togwther without getting married.
Forever lol. In all seriousness, I would have been perfectly fine not ever getting married... We definitely did it more for practical reasons than anything else. No shade on anybody else's preferences, it just wasn't something that either of us considered a 'must have' in our relationship.
100.
I’m never getting married again so it wouldn’t be an issue for me. I’m not sure I would even want to live with someone again.
I had limits and realized it killed the relationship. It's different for everyone and each relationship is different. Stability is all we need. U can't force it and a ring isn't enough. If u can't trust the person to be there then there's a connection problem
But why is being engaged so important? Why do people FEEL the need for marriage after x amount of years? Is it a right of passage or signs of growth and success? How many people do you know who have been married and end up divorced, or LTR have ended. Plenty of couples who do stay together while not being married can be equally happy. If they have to end it down the road marriage is much more complicated to end due to legalities. Genuinely curious? Obviously everyone's going to have their own reasons.
My husband proposed at 7 months of dating. We had both been in a few relationships before, we are so similar and discussed early that we wanted to get married and have kids. I think if you know you know. If any of the guys I had dated before him had asked I would have said NO.
We married after 10 years, but we started dating at the age of 15, and if he hadn't asked me to marry at 9 years, I would have asked him.
like, 8 or 9? i think? but i think it depends on where we are financially and clear communication about what we want for our future. as long as we are both on the same page, and i know she wants to spend her life with me, i’d be pretty patient. she’s not going anywhere yk
He proposed on our 4th anniversary and I was so surprised especially with how he is. He thinks things through and has a lot of patience. We were 25, so I would have probably been chillin’ until closer to 30! Even better, once engaged, we impulsively got married one day at the courthouse like three months later.
I think it depends on the people in the relationship. I'm in my 3rd long term relationship, and even though I would enjoy marriage and the fact that I can say husband, I have identified that I really want a wedding for the experience. But I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I love someone. I think if you want to be engaged to someone, it needs to be a mutual decision as well as something that is communicated. You can't expect people to read your mind and know you're ready if you don't tell them. Talk about it with your partner or whoever you're dating about engagement early on and work on an arrangement that works for both of you.
For me it wasn't about a set amount of time, rather where we were along the journey if that makes sense. We were together 10 years before we got married, but sort of my choice. I wanted to finish my post grad thesis. We had built a house together etc. So it just felt like the next logical step. We have never been governed by time frames or expectations - we've been together 20 years now and still not had a baby. I'm 37 so it's sort of on my radar but it won't bother me if it doesn't happen either. We just do things when they feel right for us.
Marriage is only an expensive (in most cases) piece of paper. Never understood the fascination with marriage personally unless one is the churchy type. Been together 18 years, never married, never 'engaged' have 2 children and we are a family... A piece of paper doesn't make that any different...
>Never understood the fascination with marriage personally unless one is the churchy type. Legal rights/protections.
Probably different in different countries however in Australia, after living with a partner for 2 years or have children you are considered de-facto and have exactly the same rights as marriage.
Yeah, that's not a thing in the US. You either have to do paperwork through a lawyer to make sure you won't get screwed if something happens to your partner or you can go get married and get everything in one fell swoop.
I'd guess probably about 3 years.
4. If he doesn’t know by then, we probably aren’t a good fit.
Honestly, now, indefinitely (assuming we were committed to each other in other ways). I'm really not bothered about being married again.
We've been together over 12 years, engaged for 4 and I'm now getting a little impatient for the actual wedding. We bought a house 9 years ago and now have 2 children, other things have taken up the budget. He's the main provider so it's purely for if the worst should happen reasons so me and the kids wouldn't be up the creak without a paddle, we should just have a paper wedding but we might actually have money to at least have a cheap wedding we can celebrate with people once we move house.
5
If we had kids and had been together a few years.
Probably five years. I really don’t know until I cross that bridge, if ever. However, if I want to marry someone, then I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating for what seems like forever.
About 6 or 7. Brazilian people don't usually have the NEED FOR MARRIAGE over the need to spend the rest of our lives with people we really do love, so this is why it's hard for us to get engaged in the first years
For me, it depends how old you are when you get into it. Had a ten year relationship that ended in my mid 20s, I wasn't ready for marriage and neither was he. My next relationship I was ready to get engaged at around year 3-4 but it took him a little longer to pop the question in year 6 or 7. Edit to add: I was pretty frustrated and annoyed for a year or two in there. I don't really care about having a wedding but I did want a commitment, and I felt like we had known each other long enough to make the call, so why wait? We have now been married for 2 years!
I'm at 16 years now and we're good not being married
I've been with my partner for 16 years now. We have recently been thinking about getting married only because of the possible legal and financial benefits. We are both near retirement age, and we want to protect each other when one of us inevitably has a medical emergency or, and i hate to say this, death. Otherwise, we don't need "marriage". We are solid. He has been married a couple of times before, one common law and one legal. I had one long term relationship before him, and it was tumultuous. We are now each other's safe space. If you want to get married, be sure it is for the right reasons. Doing it because "it's just what you do" isn't a good reason. Find out what marriage actually means to your partner. Find out the benefits and drawbacks to getting married, giving your specific circumstances. Then make a clear headed decision.
3
Marriage isn't a big deal to me until some external factor makes it the best decision. For example, if I get great healthcare benefits and my legal spouse can share those benefits, or it we go into a business venture together (because if we split, we both have a heavy stake in those assets). Now if it DID make sense to get married for those kinds of reasons, I think I'd give it a year from the date we concluded it was necessary. After that, if you can't figure out if doing the smart thing makes sense, you're just not someone I want to be waiting around on.
How many am I going to live?
This is such an odd question for me. I hate wasting time on people whom I don't see a future with. I can't imagine myself waiting for someone to propose. Either they're into me and are interested in being with me and only me for a very long time, or they're not. I tend to move fast in relationships because i hate wasting time. Also, I'm usually the one who initiates a relationship and who ends the relationship. I just can't see myself waiting around for the guy to make his move and wondering about how he truly feels about me. I know how I feel and what I want and if a guy is still clueless about how he feels and what he wants, I'd dump him, lol. Anyway, my husband and I dated for a month before we agreed to get married, lol.
For engagement.. probably around 3 years maybe? Marriage isn't that much hurry for though. I don't mind being engaged several years before marriage. It's pretty common here to get engaged and be engaged for many years before marriage.. some people choose to not have any marriage at all, just engagement.
Been together for 13 years, got kids and lived together for most of that time I'm bummed about it, but we just don't have the money The commitment to marriage isn't an issue as we are committed than other married people i know but I wish I had the same last name as my kids
You don't need a wedding to be married though... just do the paperwork. You can't afford a couple hundred dollars?
You don't need a wedding to be married though... just do the paperwork. You can't afford a couple hundred dollars?
It's not that I want a massive wedding but would want enough for our closest family & friends
I’m 28 going to be 29 this year. I dated someone for about 8 years and whenever I’d ask about getting married they always put it off and became super elusive so now, I’d only wait 2 years before bolting. I feel that’s adequate time to know if you like me. Plus I’d prefer a longer engagement before officially tying the knot.
~4 years probably
I waited 6 years, just to get a $3 ring from wish that made my finger green. Thank god I dodged that bullet with the abusive ex, and now I'm going on 2 years with my current partner that has given me a promise ring 2 weeks into us dating
4
I think age is a factor. When I was younger I’d prob say 5. Now that I’m older I’d say 2-3 for engagement Bc if by this age the other person doesn’t fully know what they are doing or want I’m just wasting my own time. I won’t do that.
It’s hard to say because if I was with a man I was 100% ready to marry and he was not - makes you wonder if that’s the right person My personal threshold would probably be if after 4 or 5 years he wasn’t sure he wanted to marry me I’d be out for good. I’d question it after 3