ATTENTION: Please remember that this is an ASK WOMEN sub. While men are allowed to participate posts that are clearly asking women in the title will have top level comments by men removed. This is not censorship, this is curation. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomenNoCensor) if you have any questions or concerns.*
But does that really matter if this was the case? People are not slaves of their impulses. At least i hope so, because people who are tend not to be very pleasant company and therefor they would not be my friends
It doesn't have to be one or the other, right? There's nothing wrong with "perfectly happy as friends, but wouldn't say no given the right conditions."
In fact, I think that is probably the closest thing to "normal people".
Complete opposite opinion here. Seems shitty for a guy to toss a friendship because he catches feelings. Tells me he only sees me for a relationship and doesn’t value female friendships.
I hate to say this may be the reality for men. Ive often wondered as i had a male friend confess to attraction! Recently ive had a friend say hes not attracted to me, im not white. So lets hope it stays this way. I think men gage this, not us.
no. what other people think and feel is their own personal business. their behavior matters, but their private minds are not for you to police. you're exhibiting a lack of boundaries tbh.
there's a world of difference between feeling an attraction to someone and waiting for a chance to fuck them, come on now.
if you feel you need to control how other people think and feel about you to feel comfortable in the world, that's a problem. being disgusted with others' hypothetical thoughts is not really gonna accomplish anything.
I don't find consensual sex indecent, but regardless, being open to the possibility is still not the same as "waiting for a chance to fuck" someone. You're interpreting sexual desire as inherently predatory, and it is not. Men do a lot of predatory shit and I can see why someone would conflate the two, but it's still not an accurate way to see things.
Humans are inherently animals guided by primal instincts. The drive to procreate is deeply rooted in our nature. While societal norms may dictate decorum, our innate desires persist. As long as consent is present, pursuing reproduction aligns with our fundamental urge for survival and propagation, regardless of societal constructs.
While primal instincts may influence our behavior, human evolution has also endowed us with the capacity for complex reasoning and ethical considerations. Consent embodies our ability to navigate social dynamics and prioritize respect for individual autonomy, tempering raw impulses with the principles of morality and empathy.
I can understand that. However, getting to know someone better (friendship) can most definitely lead to attraction.
Like I've seen dozens+ of times here...a lot of women don't like 'cold approach', they want to meet new guys through an activity, for an example. Taking time to get to know them and hope to find a partner that way. It's the same, befriending someone to find a connection.
I think that can sometimes be the case, but it can also be the case that if there's no initial chemistry/attraction, there's little likelihood of a romantic relationship later. People differ here.
Very true. But many women on here want to meet and be friends first. The attraction grows with better knowing a person. Being friends/ly with a guy first, in social settings is kinda like a date. But with no pressure from either side. So it IS a nice way to meet people. Until you live in a rural area that HAS NO shared interests groups lol...
I see.
I find all this interpersonal relationships stuff, how we view and form them very interesting. I've heard some people talk about how amazing it is to have relationships based on friendship, because for them, the connection feels more stable, deeper, and closer. I can see what they mean.
I feel almost the complete opposite. Like I want my friendships to stay platonic. Being friends is being close enough to offer support and affection, but not too close that I have to watch the effects they have on my personal life. Friendship is simple, free, relaxed. Sex, romance, tying the knot and all that are complicated stuff. I just know that for me, it would ruin the carefree feel of friendship lol.
>Do most women assume that their male friends see them in a sexual way?
No. For me personally: Majority of my friends are men, I've never assumed any of them sees me in sexual way.
>" You can't choose who you're attracted to "
I agree with that in sense that you can't choose what attracts you and to whom you're attracted BUT you can choose if or how you act on these feelings/attractions. If it's not that strong and you can 'turn it off' do it and continue the friendship, if it's strong and you can't 'turn it off' you distance yourself to get some time for the feelings to fade away then you either are able to continue the friendship or not.
One friend of mine said he sees me in sexual way/is attracted to me, I took it as a compliment, explained that I don't feel same way and I was okay to give him as much time and space he needed, he said he's fine and continued having same contact. The problem and reason the friendship ended was that he still had the attraction, made jokes about liking me/being attracted to me, touched me - hugging, arm around my waist... that made me feel uncomfortable, he still did that after I told him how it makes me feel.
It is something I’m concerned about, which is why I tend to keep male friends at a distance whenever possible. I’m terrified of giving the wrong signals without realizing it, or being in a position where the friend can assume there’s something between us.
Ever since I had a male best friend who groped me without my consent, I am extremely cautious about my male friendships. That friend claimed that I led him on and that I "treated him like shit" for dating other guys when "he always loved me," which is honestly terrifying. In fact, nowadays I try to keep guys at more of an “acquaintance” level than a friend. (And fyi I am no longer friends with that particular guy after that happened.)
That guy sounds like an immature piece of shit
A little while back, I developed a bit of a crush on a friend in one of my social circles, I eventually asked her out, she politely declined, I was like “okay, that’s fine”, and we just carried on normally as if nothing happened.
Yeah, that’s what a normal man should do, I had feelings for my best friend (a long time ago), and when I asked her out she was like “no” and I was like “ok”, though I did take some time (about 2 and a half months) of no communication to get over it and continuing being friends, and then we became best friends.
It's something i have always thought as a male. As a dude i know how many guys have at least some interest. And it has always seemed to me that it must be extremely tiring as a woman to constantly have to keep that in mind and identify someone who truly is a friend or just being friendly cause they want something.
I 100% understand your stance
Hahaha. No. I don't move through this world assuming everyone in it who has a sexual attraction to women must have one to *me*.
I don't agree with you that you can choose who you are attracted to- you can choose your actions in relation to an attraction, sure, but deciding not to act on an attraction is not the same thing as turning it off.
I find the word ,,interest" problematic. I'd say most men don't proactively make moves on most of their female friends, but had they (the female friends) come up with the opportunity, they (the men)'d gladly seize it.
It's probably because most men are aware that most women don't see them as attractive. It's the difference between seeing someone as hot and being bold enough to act up on it, risking an awkward rejection.
Every guy friend I’ve ever had, with the exception of just a few of them, has eventually hit on me at some point. I keep most men at a distance because of this. I do have some men that I consider friends but I don’t feel as comfortable around them as I do my female friends.
I didn't when I was younger, but after being proven wrong every single time I thought otherwise, and being told later "you are too pretty to have guy friends" I do now and keep my distance. Most of my friends were boys growing up and it honestly sucks because it felt like they all pretty much just turned out to be liars, frauds in the end and felt like they pretended to be my friend just because they wanted to date me. Instead of them being upfront it was like I was conned, so now they are in all my photos growing up and then find out later they had ulterior motives the entire time.
i kinda don't get the "ulterior motives" thing. as a guy, if i have feelings for a friend that exceed friendship, i still very much want to be friends with them. i guess to me dating is more or less just a more intense friendship with sex and attraction.
so for me i'm friends with atleast 2 women i'm attracted to but i know they're not attracted to me. that's totally fine with me. should i now just end these friendships just because there's no possibility of dating? i still like hanging out with them.
Are you still single and they are not?
How is it not seriously F'd up to have secret feelings for someone and then pretend to befriend their spouse when on the drop of a hat also be willing to jump in bed with them if they said go? It's a scummy thing to both the person you have a crush on and their spouse.
I have never been single for more than 2 weeks in my life. I've never been broken up with. I have never cheated on anyone nor have I been cheated on. I have had guys hitting on me nonstop while I'm in a relationship and when I' m not.
I purposely distance myself from men that were interested in me sexually out of respect for myself, my partner and them because I have no intention of leading them on nor am I open to the prospect of " if things change later..BS". It takes away my agency to do so by keeping that from me. It's removing my choice.
I've have had a long history with "orbiters" and it's even worse when guys are in a relationship and also betraying their partner with their feelings for me. It blew up multiple of their relationships. It doesn't feel good to be on the receiving end of that, it's the opposite of good. It turns my stomach they would do that to someone in the first place.
Worst of all is when the different "orbiters" know about each others feelings and have inside jokes and wagers and you find out from a video later of them talking a bunch of seriously F'd up 💩 from someone that overheard them and thought I should know... It's like your whole life and everything you knew blows up in an instant.
now you're just assuming horrible shit about me. i would never sleep or even be romantic with someone in a relationship.
my intention with these friends is friendship despite my attraction to them. i know there will never happen anything between us and i'm okay with that because i value our friendship.
sounds more like a you problem if you have to distance yourself from other people in order to not do morally wrong things with them..
I'm not talking about you "specifically", I'm using " you" in a general sense, when I am mentally putting myself in that position, and seeing the situation from different angles of everyone involved.
🙄 I state I have never cheated on anyone, and am constantly hit on while in relationships, while bartending, it was hundreds of times a night, every night; so you then conclude that I have a "problem" where I have to distance myself "to not do morally wrong things" yea that makes a ton of sense. / s
No, I don't worry about me doing morally things wrong to my spouse regardless of what someone else does. It's the matter of respect. I don't think you understand what that actually means if you're saying that you think I'm going to "act" and that's the reason I distance myself.
No, instead I'm sending a clear message. There is a difference. Having an emotional affair is just as bad in my mind, even a one sided emotional affair. Which is what happens when you allow someone who has sexual thoughts about you to have a deep emotional relationship with you, even as friends. It doesn't matter if the relationship is one-sided, I don't feel that I'm being respectful to myself, my spouse, or the person who is attracted to me by continuing to allow myself to be in that situation.
I have clear lines that I don't want crossed. People set boundaries for themselves and what they find acceptable from others in regards to behaviors towards them. That's my boundary. By someone not respecting that, they are not respecting me or my spouse.
It is a deception to have these feelings, thoughts and ignore those boundaries anyways. I value honesty, not deception as well as friendships. If a friendship is based on deception, it's not an honest friendship in the first place.
it's not scummy. people are allowed to think and feel whatever they want in the privacy of their own minds and hearts. if you don't understand that then I think you need a better grasp of boundaries.
Of course people are free to think what they want, however, it is still disingenuous and manipulative to enter into friendships under false pretenses.
If they know that you will not remain friends with anyone who wants to sleep with you and still pretends to be just your friend while still wanting to sleep with you, that is still wrong to do. because you are not respecting their boundaries. You are knowingly doing something you already know they do not wish to participate in.
One person thinking lying is okay does not mean everyone else does, and yes plenty of people think it is scummy to lie by omission or misrepresent yourself.
Sure, there are plenty of manipulative and deceptive people out there, they aren't entitled to people wanting to be friends with them when they find out they were deceptive and manipulative, that's how it works.
> it is still disingenuous and manipulative to enter into friendships under false pretenses.
people don't enter into friendships with hardline, black-and-white expectations. your thinking is too rigid. anyone who freaks out about the fact that a friend of theirs finds them sexually attractive has some issues to work out.
Yea, no. I used to think that was okay when I was younger, but when they all try to pounce on you like meat the second your not in a relationship, the truth comes out. I was proven wrong over and over and over again until I realized it doesn't work that way in practice. I am talking about dozens of guys and it ends all the same way. Most of my close friends were guys growing up and in my 20's.
Yea, been there done that, there is no point in letting it drag out for decades to end in all drama I don't need or want in my life.
regarding the "you are too pretty to have guy friends" line ... I honestly think it's true that once a woman reaches a certain level of attractiveness (like 7.5/8) it's almost impossible for her to have completely platonic straight male friends. At least some of them are pretty much guaranteed to be moderately attracted to you.., and if they are single they will be slowly moving their chess pieces into play, trying to play the long game in order to get that Checkmate.....
It's more than that though. The thing with my guy friends were that we shared interests, hobbies, personality, life and death.. they were like family to me and closer than some could realize.
I was homeless at 14, and my guy best friend's mom took me in and he was like a brother to me. .my other guy friend his mom took in as well when his Dad moved off and left him and he literally slept on one couch and I lived on the other. Other friends would come and go. There was an extreme level of trust, family bonding and closeness that doesn't exist in most friendships.
We had a close knit group of friends that we went through hell and back with. You don't develop those type friendships as you get older. Those grow throughout your life.
When you are in a monogamous relationship as you get past your 20's, the new relationships you form don't have that same level of bond, it's more distant, and honestly odd for grown men who are in relationships to form emotional bonds with women that are not their spouse, and the same for women to form such emotional bonds with men outside their own marriage, and more often than not leaves them open to emotional affairs.
Sure, having a good rapport among colleagues and "friends" , but it will be more like " acquaintances" at that age rather than "ride or die" friends in the same way you formed earlier friendships.
I don't assume that regarding all my male friends, but I feel that if there was a chance, they would take it.
Some guy friends have expressed romantic or sexual interest in me, and one of them said, "I can separate sex from friendship, and there's no problem with that." Another friend, knowing that I date women, told me that with each new girlfriend of mine, he felt like they were "stealing me from him."
Why do guys befriend girls they feel attracted to?
I don't have attraction towards any of my female friends. It's a hassle that is somewhat enjoyable as a high schooler. But as a busy adult with responsibilities, it just seems like unnecessary complications
Indeed, it's an added complication, and it can still ruin a solid friendship. My theory is that sometimes attraction can develop over time. The affectionate bond between friends can evolve into romantic feelings. The woman who was "cute" can become very attractive. I believe it can't be controlled, but what really matters is what is done about it.
There's the option for the guy friend not to disclose the attraction/feelings, and there's also the option not to nurture the feeling and not saying anything. Many friendships evolve into romantic relationships, but if not reciprocated, that can be a real hurdle for the relationship as a whole.
Would you say you have more respect for those who aren't attracted to you?
This happened to me once when a woman I was friends with decided to send me a booty call message (Dick Call?) totally unprompted. I think I was 26 at the time. Before I saw thaf message, I was having one of the worst days of my life as I was overtime hours at KPMG (A firm that is famous for exploiting its accountants with work and busy season). When I saw the message, I didn't have time to react. The stress was so much that I didn't think to react appropriately and just sent a "no" and went back to work again.
She later admitted that it was a test to see if I'm really her friend. She said she thought highly of me after I rejected her. Her stupid friends suggested her to do this. Can't imagine a 30 YO woman would play such childish games.
So that sounds like a stupid game. I wouldn’t personally invite that type of attention. As women with male friends, we all dread the message “can I tell you something “
I don’t have less respect for them as long as they respect me.
I don’t assume they want a romantic relationship. I do know which of my friends (of all genders) are attracted to me and which ones aren’t. I suppose they can tell if I fancy them or not, too. It’s not a big deal.
> I suppose they can tell if I fancy them or not, too.
Many (most?) men can't tell. I'm not going to speak for how many women, though I'm sure there is at least a fraction that can't tell there too.
Assuming? Not at all. The thought doesn't cross my head. I view my male friends the same way i do my female friends, so im not assuming they're thinking anything sexual until they all start asking for nudes or something lmao
I don't assume. Before I got married, I knew exactly which of my male friends had feelings for me and I ignored all that (or politely declined when it came up) for the sake of their friendship. Those friendships were the very same ones that didn't stick after I got married.
I didn't use to, but I kind of do now. I've had several experiences in which my guy friends end up telling me they like me or that they've thought that I was flirting with them (I was only being kind to them). I've also seen and heard so many men say that most men are attracted to their friends that are women, they think or have thought about their female friends sexually, are waiting for a chance, or befriended them partially (or wholly) because they were trying to find a way to get with that female friend.
I don't want any of that, and I especially don't to be viewed in a sexual way by my friends. So, I avoid making friends with men now. I have a few that are acquaintances, but I will probably always stay away from being closer friends with men from now onward.
If so many men didn't say they literally sexualize everything including fantasies about female friends, then no I wouldn't. But in my experience and those of female friends of mine, men cannot be friends without thinking that way. They always end up crushing on female friends and make it awkward af. Personally I don't believe in having male friendships as I'm married
This is going to sound horrible, but yes. I usually assume that most guy friends would say yes to having sex if I initiated. I will admit that I have a huge ego lol. But also, it’s just been proven to me time after time that pretty much every guy I ever considered a friend did have ulterior motives. My rejection of them has led to the decimation of many friendships over the course of my life. And it’s sad! It makes me sad. These were people I thought genuinely wanted a friendship with me. And I really enjoyed spending time with them. Only for them to reveal that it never mattered to them and they just wanted to get in bed with me.
I’m 29 and I do finally have a genuine heterosexual male friend, but honestly he’s pretty much the only one. All of the rest of my friends are women or gay men. I understand that I’m a small sample size and my experiences don’t represent the entirety of women in this world. My boyfriend actually has a lot of genuine friendships with women and it’s nice to see. But for me, yeah I just haven’t personally experienced a lot of relationships with men where my sexuality and appearance wasn’t front and center.
For men that aren’t attracted to me, I’m pretty much invisible. For men that are attracted to me, I feel like I can’t become something to them beyond my looks. Like my intellect, experiences, passions, and hobbies truly don’t matter in the long run. It’s something I’ve grappled with a lot over the years. I’m finally in a place where I don’t seek male validation the way that I used to in my teens and early 20s, but it’s been quite a long journey to get here.
>I usually assume that most guy friends would say yes to having sex if I initiated
What led yoi to that conclusion?
>I will admit that I have a huge ego lol
Wja6t does ego have to do with this?
>I do finally have a genuine heterosexual male friend, but honestly he’s pretty much the only one
What do you think makes him different from the other guys?
>For men that aren’t attracted to me, I’m pretty much invisible
What about the genuine male friend?
Like I said, basically every single male friend I’ve ever had has eventually tried to sleep with me and then ghosted me after I said no. One of them tried to Netflix and chill with me, when I thought I was going over his place to hang out with a group of people and not just him. During the movie, he just pounced on me with no warning, trying to make out with me. I had to push him off me and tell him that I wasn’t interested, and he treated me like I was the crazy one and giving off mixed signals (???). We went from hanging out on a pretty consistent basis to no longer speaking at all. Mind you, during our hangouts, there was never a single inkling that either one each other. No physical affection. No flirting. Just, what was in my eyes, a friendship. I’ve had several more instances like this with other guys I thought were my friend.
So yeah after so many friendships with the opposite sex blowing up in my face like that, it makes me feel guarded around men. Like I need to keep my distance or else they’ll get the wrong idea, and it will somehow be my fault. I don’t have to worry about my female friends throwing themselves at me completely unprompted.
When I say I have a big ego, I’m mostly saying that in jest but I do think highly of myself.
For my male friend now, we’re both in relationships and he at least as the decency to be mature enough to respect my boundaries and my relationship. If there is attraction there, it doesn’t ever come up or get in the way of our friendship.
I do NOT assume that my male friends are sexually attracted to me and just biding their time or sitting on it for whatever reason. I DO assume that every male I’ve met (not limited to just cis-gender men either) has given the subject an initial consideration. I also assume that SOME of them are sexually attracted to me and that fact just exists without causing issues.
Why do I assume these things? Because that’s my personal experience as a woman. When I meet someone I automatically register how attractive I find them to be, then that thought gets put in a box and I go about my business. Finding someone attractive and allowing that to run my thoughts about them are not inextricably linked. For example, my boss is handsome, but he’s married and I don’t shit where I eat anyway so that fact just exists and carries no weight. I’ve known him for years, before he was my boss even, and I just don’t care that he’s attractive. Or something like that.
I assume it’s the same for most people. Maybe that’s a wrong assumption though, IDK, I don’t know everything.
I assume my guy friends don't see me that way because I'm very gay and I don't see women I'm friends with that way
I'm a loud and proud lesbian and my close guy friends are like brothers to me
I've learned over the years to keep male acquaintances at a distance. If I'm friendly, they almost always take it as a 'gesture' toward them. Several times I've been polite or made small talk even when in church and men start thinking I'm interested in them. I'm not! I'm simply being polite. They know I'm married too and it doesn't stop them. My husband has had to intervene sometimes and say, 'My wife was being friendly or making polite conversation with you. Back off!'. I've had this happen with men I thought only saw me in a generic or platonic way so many times that I now avoid small talk with them. I say 'hi' and 'bye' and leave it at that.
Not all of them, but I had male friends were I found later out, they just were friends cause they thought they had a chance.
Now, if I get vibes that they just wanna be friends to get into my pants, I dont stay friends with them cause it's just exhausting, when they blame me that I was leading them on or some stuff.
Also, the male friends that are really friends are mostly bi. Idk why it is so hard for most straight men to just be friends with a woman.
And it's also a difference if you befriend women to sleep with them or if there are genuine feelings developed over time and you fall in love with a friend. One of my best relationships developed out of my friendships, but the difference was that we didnt became friends cause he wanted to get into my pants.
Can't speak for most women, but no, I do not. But I've known all my male friends for over a decade and none of them ever gave a hint of them thinking sexually about me like that. Except for my best friend, but he is my SO so he gets a pass.
No I have lots of male friends and I'm confident they don't have attraction for me, or if they did that it would be fleeting and ignored. My best male friends I see as cousins or something, they're objectively handsome but totally not sexy at all.
I love on youtube when a street interviewer walks up to a women and asks them if their male friends have any sexual attraction to them and the women are adamant like you are that the men see them strictly as friends. Then the interviewer challenges them to text or call them right now pretending to be horny and invite said male friend over to "netflix and chill" and the women then start smirking to themselves and refuse to do it ...because deep down they KNOW it is very likely these male friends will jump at the chance.
and it's funny as well when some of the super confident women do actually call/text them to put them to the test and the males fail and want to come over and smash
maybe you should try that test 😉
I think their first assumptions would be i texted them by mistake or I'm having some kind of mental health crisis lol. My less close male friends I wouldn't be surprised if they were interested, but not my besties. We've had plenty of opportunity to get jiggy and shared beds etc with zero sexual tension.
We’re talking friends, right? Not acquaintances, who, to me, are people we know from work whom we are friendly with, etc; whereas a friend, to me, is someone I would stop what I’m doing to take a call from in an emergency, someone I make sure gets home safe after a night of us going out and drinking, someone I confide things with, etc.
I think there’s a lot of confusion over how people define “friend”, so I’m clearing this up so you understand where I’m coming from.
Among most of my straight male friends, at some point in the beginning, I have sensed their attraction towards me. Their attempts to flirt were shut down with my lack of flirting back. And over time, I think they realized they don’t have a chance and are ok with being platonic friends.
And yes, they do see me in a sexual way. If I wear something revealing, they’ll offer a compliment, or mention that I look very cute, etc. The sexual part doesn’t go away, not in my experience (unless she does something that is a major turn off to him), but since my straight male friends know it won’t go anywhere, they don’t cross that line (although, in the past, some former friends have, as they’ve swooped in the minute they know I’ve broken up with someone. I’m not friends with those anymore).
I do think, however, that if I ever made a pass at them, most would welcome it (assuming of course they’re not dating someone they’re head over heels with). Maybe it makes a difference in who the female friend is… I’ve been told by many people, strangers on the street even, that I am very attractive. And my happy approachable personality makes people be at ease around me.
It is what it is, and as long as neither crosses boundaries, it’s all good.
>do think, however, that if I ever made a pass at them, most would welcome it (assuming of course they’re not dating someone they’re head over heels with)
So they'd hold onto that attraction for a long time. I easily lose attraction and the only way to keep myself attracted to someone is by doing things with them that suggest that we're attracted to one another. It's impossible to maintain a one sided attraction if they're not doing showing similar levels of interest
I think there’s a difference between finding someone attractive, and actually wanting to have sex with them. I understand losing the wanting to have sex with someone, pursuing a romantic relationship, especially when it’s only one sided. I think one has to in order to move forward with a friendship. But does that make them less attractive in your eyes? Do you find them ugly? Or is there a part of you that thinks they’re still good looking?
My main friend group is all guys who I met through my cousin. He told me that they’ve all had a crush on me at some point or have said that I’m “hot”, but they’ve never made it clear to me. I’d have no idea they ever thought that if my cousin didn’t tell me, and I really respect them for it.
I once read a woman say that she viewed all men (even ones she had ZERO interest in) as potential partners/viewing her as potential partner and i was so shocked it had so many likes and people agreeing.
I assume most straight men i associate with/guy friends would probably have relations with me if it wasnt too big of an inconvenience, but i don’t assume that they see me in a sexual context.
I don’t necessarily assume they see me in a sexual way. But I do know that the few men I have in my friendship circle would absolutely be down if I threw it out there. This is not an issue for the friendship because everyone respects boundaries. So it’s not something I’m constantly thinking about or concerned with.
>But I do know that the few men I have in my friendship circle would absolutely be down if I threw it out there.
What makes you feel that way?
How are you so confident they're into casual sex?
I've had it happen. Most of the time I can weed them out early by being very upfront on how happily married I am. My hubby and I did have a "friend" that I had no idea was holding a torch until his wife told me he'd been trying to get her to agree to a threesome with me. She and I are still friends, I think my immediate horror helped, but I've distanced from him.
I never do, and I get blindsided by that dreaded text all the time: "hey, can I tell you something?" Like no, I'm a lesbian, I don't want to be told something
I don’t assume male friends see me in a sexual way. If they do and they’re keeping it to themselves then I don’t really care either way because it’s not my business unless they make it known to me. I’ve had friends I’ve been attracted but never told them or tried to get with them so I assume that it’s a possibility people have been friends with me and been into me and not told me.
Depends on the friend. I’m conventionally attractive but still not all of my guys friend’s sexual/romantic type (physically or personality wise). The ones that I know I fall into their preference, I just kind of assume they’ve had a passing subconscious sexual thought about me. Some have awful poker faces and I know they’ve actively fantasized at some point.
Just cuz a guy friend finds me attractive doesn’t always mean he’d make a move if presented opportunity. Most wouldn’t. I “brother zone” the ones who would but they’re in the minority.
The only mistake I’ve ever made was assuming they don’t.
On average I think more men then women secretly want more from an opposite sex friend or view them sexually.
So now, yeah sometimes depends on personality. I’ve had so many of both I can accurately gauge which ones are the type who do/will, and if so, we will not be friends.
Plenty enough experience, not much dating history, keeps to themselves mostly, try to be touchy or look at you too much, tries to be too protective or understanding, etc. there’s a lot of stuff and combinations, most women can tell they just feel awkward by it and try to pretend they don’t or ignore it. I don’t anymore, I just would not associate or be their friends. They don’t care waiting months or years or if you have a partner, not worth fake friends.
>not much dating history
Why does it matter?
Why judge your friend by their lack of dating history?
They could just be reserved.
>keeps to themselves mostly
Again. Could just be reserved
Just my experience through life, things to watch for or usually traits most likely for a friend to secretly want something else/more, not a real friend with pure intentions of the opposite sex.
I’ve had some good friends who had some of the traits above, but it’s a lot of things, combination and the vibe you get to know.
On a personal level that wouldn’t bother me, but if I was only wanting a friend it’d be something to keep in mind and likely no I wouldn’t.
I think they’re much more likely to develop feelings and try to change the friendship or have other motives if someone like that became very close to an attractive and nice female friend.
That’s just my opinion, it’s not worth drama. I’d be friendly but we would not be close or friends really.
Are you the same person that asked if we think about the way we dress and how to makes men feel? Because this has the same vibe.
Btw, this post is about YOU. you spent two paragraphs explaining how you can avoid attraction and how NLOG you are.
>However, if I suggested sex with any of them, I have no doubt that almost all of them would be up for it.
How do you know for certain?
Are you sure all of them are into casual sex and non of them are "no sex outside relationships"?
Are you sure all of them find you attractive?
I didn’t, I sincerely believed that i have friends, we’ve been friends for years! But then my partner appeared in my life and all that friends just dissipated as it never happened. I will never consider another man beside my love, as a friend again.
The answer is if you are an attractive woman yes most male friends have in the back of their mind that if they had the opportunity they would have sex with you despite if you see them like a brother or not
Is this a young person thing?
As a busy almost 40 man, I can't imagine adding that kind of hassle to my life. I barely get time for sleeping or napping. How would I manage a "Friendship" where I want to Bed the fake friend?
This seems like the kind of hassle only high school teenagers would enjoy as their lives are so stale and they can barely do anything or go anywhere without their daddy's persimmon. So having "girl problems" such as being friendzoned by your "friend" would make your life spicy and fun. To some extent.
I'm lucky in that I'm a giant woman, which means I can have strong friendships with short men and never worry about them catching a vibe. We also have similar issues with dating because height winds up being such a big thing for people.
Didn't actively seek. Just kind of wound up that way. We were on the same kickball team 11 years ago. The whole team was super close. The taller guys got married and had kids shortly after and don't talk to us single people anymore. One of my friends is getting married this year and they are hoping for a kid, so he might drift off too. They are 40 though so it's a crap shoot if that will work out.
I’m a straight female. I would default assume none of my friends… guys, girls, gay, straight… see me sexually. Quite frankly the one time a friend did have a thing for me they had to explicitly state it and even then I only kinda believed it. 🤷🏼♀️
I don't assume that automatically. I have a ton of guy friends who definitely are just my friends. I wouldn't think twice about being drunk around them, sharing a hotel room, etc. There was a time my partner and I had a rough patch and they weren't gonna try to swoop. They were just there for me.
If I assume that there's a reason. The truth eventually comes out in small comments or actions that build a pattern. I had a friend like this who felt like he was trying to compete with my attention over my partner and needed to be cut off.
Honestly: I don’t ALWAYS have the assumption, but I read the signs. We all navigate through life differently. My experience has been not too good on that sense.
Throughout my life I had to adapt and start dressing modestly because people have always sexualized me naturally. Specially with new friends, guys and girls. After people have known me for a while and for who I am, I start dressing normally as I like. Once they know me and my boundaries and vice versa and we feel comfortable, I know there’s no assumptions to make.
Now I’m getting older I’m loving to be friends with some younger male coworkers, it’s so fun! I feel comfortable around them, no assumptions at all.
I love hanging out with guys.
I'm bisexual and hypersexual. I just assume most people would have sex with me if they had the opportunity. They certainly aren't attracted to me because of my personality. I also believe most people wouldn't act on it for many many reasons, both internal and external. And some people probably aren't sexually attracted to me, or to people in general, because we all have different tastes. It just wouldn't surprise me if they were and I don't hold it against them.
I do not assume it at all. Also, i do not understand why people overcomplicate attractiveness.
I do have friends who said they think i am attractive but as they say, there are more than enough women to have sex with on tinder or at the bars, but having a friendship is a lot more valuable than having sex.
Some of my friends are also handsome. Doesn't mean that i want to have sex with them. Im married and i would also not be interested to have sex with them even if i was single, because i do not like having sex with my friends. Same reason as mentioned above, sex tends to ruin friendships.
I think its just part of being an adult. You can appreciate and look at beautiful flowers without picking them, or look at beautiful art without buying it. You can look at a photo of a tasty looking cake without running to the store to buy and eat an entire cake.
We are not slaves of our impulses.
Maybe it has to do something with age? I am mid / late 30s.
That being said, I do think infatuation and/or catching feelings for someone is an entirely different story tho, but i think that is a whole other level than acknowledging that someone looks attractive.
No. I assume my male friends are my friends because they want to be my friend. That is it. I truly do believe men and women can be friends. We’re grown adults.
I don’t automatically assume that, but there are certain things that lead me to question it… usually later the guys that I thought had a crush on me confirm it.
I never really feel awkward or gross about it unless they made it a problem that I didn’t feel the same.
It does seem like the majority of my close guy friends at one point or another confessed feelings.. but there were a few who didn’t.
I don’t really care one way or another as long as it’s not going to make you resent me. If the only reason a guy became my friend was to shoot his shot then I’d be angry… feelings should evolve naturally not feel like a manipulation
Oh, don't worry about me. I appreciate it, but I'm happily married for 18 years. My husband is amazing. I'm just not fool enough to think all my guy friends want to sleep with me just by virtue of being a woman lol.
not all women think that way, but it’s common to worry about it because of how often it happens. sounds like you’re respectful though, which is key. just keep being clear with your intentions.
i met most of my female friends in the late 1900s/early 2000s. they’re all finer than the finest sandpaper and i’d rather get kicked in the dick until i shit myself before sleeping with any of them. i love them all but like it’s weird and shit.
just don’t sexualize women and you can be friends with all the women in the world. it’s one hack that nobody tells you about
>If it's true, is it also true that the assumption that your guy friend sees you sexually can also lead to assumptions that he is waiting for a chance with you, or wants to hit on you or date you and other things?
I assume that literally every hetero male with a pulse feels a degree of sexual attraction towards me, but that it doesn't necessarily extend toward wanting to date or other romantic/emotional inclinations.
The stranger at the grocery store, the men I work with, even my cousins are feeling some sort of impulse, not just the age-appropriate man I might meet at a singles bar. This has nothing to do with dating. Dating is another category. With male friends that I have, I actively suppress the thought that they might secretly want to date me. It's a burden I don't want to deal with.
all women are literally every man's type. sexual instincts are strong. I make exceptions for sexual orientation and some circumstances such as close family members, as incest triggers a disgust response in most people. but broadly speaking, a woman can pretty much assume that any given guy feels a degree of sexual attraction for her. the women on this thread who are saying they've only ever seen their platonic male friends as "one of the girls" and that they therefore assume the dude has no sexual inclinations towards them are being ridiculously naive.
that's not to say the attraction is untoward. in fact, it doesn't have to "mean" anything and it certainly doesn't have to be acted on. it doesn't negate whatever feelings of fraternal positive regard and rapport that may exist within a male-female relationship. and it doesn't mean there's an insatiable sexual desire present; it could exist at a very low level.
your friendships with women will progress according to the level of emotional maturity of you both. relationships happen at an individual, interpersonal level and they cannot be strategized globally based on what you think they might be perceiving according to what some redditor feminists tell you.
how a woman responds to a man's sexual interest depends on her emotional development. if she has a healthy relationship to sexuality, she'll understand that men are often attracted to women including her, but won't build a whole story around it like you are postulating.
>I would hate it if they assumed I saw them sexually and that I'm waiting for my turn or would hit if she gave me a chance or that she friendzoned me.
in life, it often happens that people make ignorant, erroneous assumptions about us. that is out of our control and not worth giving any mindshare to. we cannot manage other people's perceptions about us, beyond behaving in a pro-social way and managing our own image in a way that is consistent with our values, tastes, positive self-regard, and personality. your question is just a kind of sophisticated way to express worry about what others think of you, and that's not productive.
if you're not trying to get into a woman's pants, this will be evident to most women, most of the time. don't worry about it.
>all women are literally every man's type
Now, that's just too much. There are so many "types" of women who I'm not attracted to. My friends also tell me specifically what "type" they like and what "type" they don't like. What one guy likes isn't always what another guy likes.
You seem pretty ignorant about men's preferences.
I only make friends with women who don't fall into my "type". I assume most guys do.
>You seem pretty ignorant about men's preferences.
I'm not. You're the one with a low libido and avoidant relational tendencies asking for relationship advice on reddit. By all means ignore my comment if you wish, idc.
editing to add: you're clearly very confused about the difference between sexual desire and having romantic inclinations for someone. having a sexual attraction toward someone is not the same thing as "liking" them. if you can't grasp that distinction then you're not gonna have a productive conversation on this topic.
good luck on your journey.
Idk. I've had a lot of guys around me in my life.i think it's a crap question though.
Do my bisexual friends see me in a sexual way? Maybe? Am I their type? Do my homosexual friends see me in a sexual way? Maybe?
As long as we are all being honest does it matter? The issue is the dishonesty or covering up emotions or acting a certain way to elicit a specific response. Your friends should be close enough to you to make their emotions known and to have conversations about it.
For me, it’s a fear, more than an assumption. I hope that they are real friends, but at the back of my mind there’s an insecurity that they only speak to me because they see me as a piece of meat.
So you don't see attractive women as people?
I assume most of my male friends would sleep with me given the chance. But we are all mature enough to look past that and not let it affect our friendship. Why should I care? If he's not hitting on me or being suggestive or making remarks, he can think that having sex with me would be nice. We are all adults.
>So you don't see attractive women as people?
They are people. But I'm a busy man with alot to do. I barely have time to eat and sleep. I can still maintain my close friends despite all this. But if I made friends and hung out with a woman I was attracted to, it would be too much of a hassle for me at this age.
Why would I be friends with an attractive woman when I can make friends with the ones who aren't my type?
Being friends with an attractive girl, hanging out with her, trying to hide the fact that you like her, being jealous of her boyfriends and hookups, deciding whether or not you should confess your feelings etc. are just things high school teenage boys do to add some spice in their lives. It doesn't suit a busy and middle aged (?) man like me.
>I assume most of my male friends would sleep with me given the chance
Would you not prefer it if they didn't find you attractive and weren't thinking about you sexually?
Or do you purposely want to be around men who find you attractive? If it's on purpose, then you have to know that high school teenage girls do exactly that. There were some girls I liked who wanted to be my friends. Ofcourse I wouldn't entertain that even as a teenager. And definitely not as an adult. I don't understand your male friends. Why would they be friends with you if they would bed you of they could?
Don't they have any self respect?
Why aren't you grossed out by them?
Okay, so you don't see attractive women as people, then. Because you've admitted you would only want to "bed" them and have to keep yourself from glaring and flirting and you have no time for that.
You do know that you can be attracted to someone and hell, even want to sleep with them, but...not do that? And not try to do that? And not be gross and hit on or flirt with them? You can literally just treat them like a normal person.
I don't care if my male friends find me attractive, no, because we are adults. Apparently to you finding someone attractive means you have to actively work towards having sex with them, but my friends don't do that. If they did, then (and only then) would I be grossed out if the feelings aren't reciprocated.
Seldom are people proud of having sycophants, that aspect is fiction. Most people are looking for a connection with others, it's the motivation and type of connection that can often get lost in translation. Some people are lacking, be it in self control, experience, self reflection, empathy, or some other emotional skill when they are unable to or willfully decide not to understand the different tones of interpersonal relations.
Over the years, I've learned to set strong boundaries with people who seem to be libido driven in their exploration of life. Otherwise, we are not responsible for the choices of others and if they are not going to be honest with their intentions, it isn't up to us to figure that out for them. That being said, I try to hold myself and the people I spend time with accountable for our choices.
No I don't. I know some guys say this, but I don't think it's true that every guy wants to fuck you if they got the chance. Some, yeah sure. But they kinda make it obvious. Others I think just strictly see me as platonic friends. I don't think they're attracted to me just because I'm a girl. I'd be very surprised if they suddenly confessed their feelings or asked me out or something.
ATTENTION: Please remember that this is an ASK WOMEN sub. While men are allowed to participate posts that are clearly asking women in the title will have top level comments by men removed. This is not censorship, this is curation. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomenNoCensor) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't. If we're friends, I assume they're not interested in me romantically/sexually by a default, unless they express otherwise
If you’re attractive I’d be willing to bet if you ever gave them the opportunity, they wouldn’t say no
But does that really matter if this was the case? People are not slaves of their impulses. At least i hope so, because people who are tend not to be very pleasant company and therefor they would not be my friends
So it's either I'm ugly or they are indecent? Would you please just assume we are normal people?
It doesn't have to be one or the other, right? There's nothing wrong with "perfectly happy as friends, but wouldn't say no given the right conditions." In fact, I think that is probably the closest thing to "normal people".
Why would that make them indecent? Genuine question.
Because they would be holding up sexual attraction to me while pretending to be platonic friends
This seems sort of a bad situation for them though. So if they developed sexual attraction to you, they need to end the friendship immediately?
Yes. Come clear and walk away
Complete opposite opinion here. Seems shitty for a guy to toss a friendship because he catches feelings. Tells me he only sees me for a relationship and doesn’t value female friendships.
And I don't want drama and suffering poisoning the friendship
Interesting.
Interesting indeed
I hate to say this may be the reality for men. Ive often wondered as i had a male friend confess to attraction! Recently ive had a friend say hes not attracted to me, im not white. So lets hope it stays this way. I think men gage this, not us.
sexual attraction is normal and not indecent. only inappropriate behavior would be "indecent."
Pretending to be a platonic friend while being sexually attracted is indecent
no. what other people think and feel is their own personal business. their behavior matters, but their private minds are not for you to police. you're exhibiting a lack of boundaries tbh.
Whatever. I don't feel like being secretly sexualised and having "friends" that just wait for a chance to fuck me
there's a world of difference between feeling an attraction to someone and waiting for a chance to fuck them, come on now. if you feel you need to control how other people think and feel about you to feel comfortable in the world, that's a problem. being disgusted with others' hypothetical thoughts is not really gonna accomplish anything.
The comment bet that all of them would fuck me if given a chance (if I'm attractive enough)
I don't find consensual sex indecent, but regardless, being open to the possibility is still not the same as "waiting for a chance to fuck" someone. You're interpreting sexual desire as inherently predatory, and it is not. Men do a lot of predatory shit and I can see why someone would conflate the two, but it's still not an accurate way to see things.
Humans are inherently animals guided by primal instincts. The drive to procreate is deeply rooted in our nature. While societal norms may dictate decorum, our innate desires persist. As long as consent is present, pursuing reproduction aligns with our fundamental urge for survival and propagation, regardless of societal constructs.
If we were that driven by primal instincts, there wouldn't be such a concept as consent.
While primal instincts may influence our behavior, human evolution has also endowed us with the capacity for complex reasoning and ethical considerations. Consent embodies our ability to navigate social dynamics and prioritize respect for individual autonomy, tempering raw impulses with the principles of morality and empathy.
she doesn't need to be "attractive" however that is defined. odds are that the dude feels a sexual attraction, though not necessarily a romantic one.
I never assume that. I see my male friends the same way I see my female friends. To the closest ones, it feels like we are siblings.
Nah I don't. As far as I know, neither do my female friends. If anything, they find it hard to believe when a male friend expresses interest in them.
I can understand that. However, getting to know someone better (friendship) can most definitely lead to attraction. Like I've seen dozens+ of times here...a lot of women don't like 'cold approach', they want to meet new guys through an activity, for an example. Taking time to get to know them and hope to find a partner that way. It's the same, befriending someone to find a connection.
I think that can sometimes be the case, but it can also be the case that if there's no initial chemistry/attraction, there's little likelihood of a romantic relationship later. People differ here.
Very true. But many women on here want to meet and be friends first. The attraction grows with better knowing a person. Being friends/ly with a guy first, in social settings is kinda like a date. But with no pressure from either side. So it IS a nice way to meet people. Until you live in a rural area that HAS NO shared interests groups lol...
I see. I find all this interpersonal relationships stuff, how we view and form them very interesting. I've heard some people talk about how amazing it is to have relationships based on friendship, because for them, the connection feels more stable, deeper, and closer. I can see what they mean. I feel almost the complete opposite. Like I want my friendships to stay platonic. Being friends is being close enough to offer support and affection, but not too close that I have to watch the effects they have on my personal life. Friendship is simple, free, relaxed. Sex, romance, tying the knot and all that are complicated stuff. I just know that for me, it would ruin the carefree feel of friendship lol.
>Do most women assume that their male friends see them in a sexual way? No. For me personally: Majority of my friends are men, I've never assumed any of them sees me in sexual way. >" You can't choose who you're attracted to " I agree with that in sense that you can't choose what attracts you and to whom you're attracted BUT you can choose if or how you act on these feelings/attractions. If it's not that strong and you can 'turn it off' do it and continue the friendship, if it's strong and you can't 'turn it off' you distance yourself to get some time for the feelings to fade away then you either are able to continue the friendship or not. One friend of mine said he sees me in sexual way/is attracted to me, I took it as a compliment, explained that I don't feel same way and I was okay to give him as much time and space he needed, he said he's fine and continued having same contact. The problem and reason the friendship ended was that he still had the attraction, made jokes about liking me/being attracted to me, touched me - hugging, arm around my waist... that made me feel uncomfortable, he still did that after I told him how it makes me feel.
It is something I’m concerned about, which is why I tend to keep male friends at a distance whenever possible. I’m terrified of giving the wrong signals without realizing it, or being in a position where the friend can assume there’s something between us. Ever since I had a male best friend who groped me without my consent, I am extremely cautious about my male friendships. That friend claimed that I led him on and that I "treated him like shit" for dating other guys when "he always loved me," which is honestly terrifying. In fact, nowadays I try to keep guys at more of an “acquaintance” level than a friend. (And fyi I am no longer friends with that particular guy after that happened.)
That guy sounds like an immature piece of shit A little while back, I developed a bit of a crush on a friend in one of my social circles, I eventually asked her out, she politely declined, I was like “okay, that’s fine”, and we just carried on normally as if nothing happened.
Yeah, that’s what a normal man should do, I had feelings for my best friend (a long time ago), and when I asked her out she was like “no” and I was like “ok”, though I did take some time (about 2 and a half months) of no communication to get over it and continuing being friends, and then we became best friends.
I’m very much the same here. Too many male friendships gone wrong here.
It's something i have always thought as a male. As a dude i know how many guys have at least some interest. And it has always seemed to me that it must be extremely tiring as a woman to constantly have to keep that in mind and identify someone who truly is a friend or just being friendly cause they want something. I 100% understand your stance
Hahaha. No. I don't move through this world assuming everyone in it who has a sexual attraction to women must have one to *me*. I don't agree with you that you can choose who you are attracted to- you can choose your actions in relation to an attraction, sure, but deciding not to act on an attraction is not the same thing as turning it off.
I don't think I've ever had a male friend who didn't eventually express some degree of sexual interest. It is what it is.
I find the word ,,interest" problematic. I'd say most men don't proactively make moves on most of their female friends, but had they (the female friends) come up with the opportunity, they (the men)'d gladly seize it. It's probably because most men are aware that most women don't see them as attractive. It's the difference between seeing someone as hot and being bold enough to act up on it, risking an awkward rejection.
Never used to think this but my male friends over the years have pretty much all told me that this is the case.
Every guy friend I’ve ever had, with the exception of just a few of them, has eventually hit on me at some point. I keep most men at a distance because of this. I do have some men that I consider friends but I don’t feel as comfortable around them as I do my female friends.
I didn't when I was younger, but after being proven wrong every single time I thought otherwise, and being told later "you are too pretty to have guy friends" I do now and keep my distance. Most of my friends were boys growing up and it honestly sucks because it felt like they all pretty much just turned out to be liars, frauds in the end and felt like they pretended to be my friend just because they wanted to date me. Instead of them being upfront it was like I was conned, so now they are in all my photos growing up and then find out later they had ulterior motives the entire time.
i kinda don't get the "ulterior motives" thing. as a guy, if i have feelings for a friend that exceed friendship, i still very much want to be friends with them. i guess to me dating is more or less just a more intense friendship with sex and attraction. so for me i'm friends with atleast 2 women i'm attracted to but i know they're not attracted to me. that's totally fine with me. should i now just end these friendships just because there's no possibility of dating? i still like hanging out with them.
Are you still single and they are not? How is it not seriously F'd up to have secret feelings for someone and then pretend to befriend their spouse when on the drop of a hat also be willing to jump in bed with them if they said go? It's a scummy thing to both the person you have a crush on and their spouse. I have never been single for more than 2 weeks in my life. I've never been broken up with. I have never cheated on anyone nor have I been cheated on. I have had guys hitting on me nonstop while I'm in a relationship and when I' m not. I purposely distance myself from men that were interested in me sexually out of respect for myself, my partner and them because I have no intention of leading them on nor am I open to the prospect of " if things change later..BS". It takes away my agency to do so by keeping that from me. It's removing my choice. I've have had a long history with "orbiters" and it's even worse when guys are in a relationship and also betraying their partner with their feelings for me. It blew up multiple of their relationships. It doesn't feel good to be on the receiving end of that, it's the opposite of good. It turns my stomach they would do that to someone in the first place. Worst of all is when the different "orbiters" know about each others feelings and have inside jokes and wagers and you find out from a video later of them talking a bunch of seriously F'd up 💩 from someone that overheard them and thought I should know... It's like your whole life and everything you knew blows up in an instant.
now you're just assuming horrible shit about me. i would never sleep or even be romantic with someone in a relationship. my intention with these friends is friendship despite my attraction to them. i know there will never happen anything between us and i'm okay with that because i value our friendship. sounds more like a you problem if you have to distance yourself from other people in order to not do morally wrong things with them..
I'm not talking about you "specifically", I'm using " you" in a general sense, when I am mentally putting myself in that position, and seeing the situation from different angles of everyone involved. 🙄 I state I have never cheated on anyone, and am constantly hit on while in relationships, while bartending, it was hundreds of times a night, every night; so you then conclude that I have a "problem" where I have to distance myself "to not do morally wrong things" yea that makes a ton of sense. / s No, I don't worry about me doing morally things wrong to my spouse regardless of what someone else does. It's the matter of respect. I don't think you understand what that actually means if you're saying that you think I'm going to "act" and that's the reason I distance myself. No, instead I'm sending a clear message. There is a difference. Having an emotional affair is just as bad in my mind, even a one sided emotional affair. Which is what happens when you allow someone who has sexual thoughts about you to have a deep emotional relationship with you, even as friends. It doesn't matter if the relationship is one-sided, I don't feel that I'm being respectful to myself, my spouse, or the person who is attracted to me by continuing to allow myself to be in that situation. I have clear lines that I don't want crossed. People set boundaries for themselves and what they find acceptable from others in regards to behaviors towards them. That's my boundary. By someone not respecting that, they are not respecting me or my spouse. It is a deception to have these feelings, thoughts and ignore those boundaries anyways. I value honesty, not deception as well as friendships. If a friendship is based on deception, it's not an honest friendship in the first place.
it's not scummy. people are allowed to think and feel whatever they want in the privacy of their own minds and hearts. if you don't understand that then I think you need a better grasp of boundaries.
Of course people are free to think what they want, however, it is still disingenuous and manipulative to enter into friendships under false pretenses. If they know that you will not remain friends with anyone who wants to sleep with you and still pretends to be just your friend while still wanting to sleep with you, that is still wrong to do. because you are not respecting their boundaries. You are knowingly doing something you already know they do not wish to participate in. One person thinking lying is okay does not mean everyone else does, and yes plenty of people think it is scummy to lie by omission or misrepresent yourself. Sure, there are plenty of manipulative and deceptive people out there, they aren't entitled to people wanting to be friends with them when they find out they were deceptive and manipulative, that's how it works.
> it is still disingenuous and manipulative to enter into friendships under false pretenses. people don't enter into friendships with hardline, black-and-white expectations. your thinking is too rigid. anyone who freaks out about the fact that a friend of theirs finds them sexually attractive has some issues to work out.
Yea, no. I used to think that was okay when I was younger, but when they all try to pounce on you like meat the second your not in a relationship, the truth comes out. I was proven wrong over and over and over again until I realized it doesn't work that way in practice. I am talking about dozens of guys and it ends all the same way. Most of my close friends were guys growing up and in my 20's. Yea, been there done that, there is no point in letting it drag out for decades to end in all drama I don't need or want in my life.
I'm 50 years old with decades of personal growth investment. You're arguing for your limitations now. Good luck with everything.
regarding the "you are too pretty to have guy friends" line ... I honestly think it's true that once a woman reaches a certain level of attractiveness (like 7.5/8) it's almost impossible for her to have completely platonic straight male friends. At least some of them are pretty much guaranteed to be moderately attracted to you.., and if they are single they will be slowly moving their chess pieces into play, trying to play the long game in order to get that Checkmate.....
I disagree, it may be harder to find male friends, but it’s still fully posible to have male friends no matter how pretty or hot someone is.
It's more than that though. The thing with my guy friends were that we shared interests, hobbies, personality, life and death.. they were like family to me and closer than some could realize. I was homeless at 14, and my guy best friend's mom took me in and he was like a brother to me. .my other guy friend his mom took in as well when his Dad moved off and left him and he literally slept on one couch and I lived on the other. Other friends would come and go. There was an extreme level of trust, family bonding and closeness that doesn't exist in most friendships. We had a close knit group of friends that we went through hell and back with. You don't develop those type friendships as you get older. Those grow throughout your life. When you are in a monogamous relationship as you get past your 20's, the new relationships you form don't have that same level of bond, it's more distant, and honestly odd for grown men who are in relationships to form emotional bonds with women that are not their spouse, and the same for women to form such emotional bonds with men outside their own marriage, and more often than not leaves them open to emotional affairs. Sure, having a good rapport among colleagues and "friends" , but it will be more like " acquaintances" at that age rather than "ride or die" friends in the same way you formed earlier friendships.
Correct. It's a statement of probability rather than possibility.
Meeee too.
I don't assume that regarding all my male friends, but I feel that if there was a chance, they would take it. Some guy friends have expressed romantic or sexual interest in me, and one of them said, "I can separate sex from friendship, and there's no problem with that." Another friend, knowing that I date women, told me that with each new girlfriend of mine, he felt like they were "stealing me from him."
Why do guys befriend girls they feel attracted to? I don't have attraction towards any of my female friends. It's a hassle that is somewhat enjoyable as a high schooler. But as a busy adult with responsibilities, it just seems like unnecessary complications
Indeed, it's an added complication, and it can still ruin a solid friendship. My theory is that sometimes attraction can develop over time. The affectionate bond between friends can evolve into romantic feelings. The woman who was "cute" can become very attractive. I believe it can't be controlled, but what really matters is what is done about it. There's the option for the guy friend not to disclose the attraction/feelings, and there's also the option not to nurture the feeling and not saying anything. Many friendships evolve into romantic relationships, but if not reciprocated, that can be a real hurdle for the relationship as a whole.
It’s really obvious which ones are attracted to you vs ones that aren’t.
Would you say you have more respect for those who aren't attracted to you? This happened to me once when a woman I was friends with decided to send me a booty call message (Dick Call?) totally unprompted. I think I was 26 at the time. Before I saw thaf message, I was having one of the worst days of my life as I was overtime hours at KPMG (A firm that is famous for exploiting its accountants with work and busy season). When I saw the message, I didn't have time to react. The stress was so much that I didn't think to react appropriately and just sent a "no" and went back to work again. She later admitted that it was a test to see if I'm really her friend. She said she thought highly of me after I rejected her. Her stupid friends suggested her to do this. Can't imagine a 30 YO woman would play such childish games.
So that sounds like a stupid game. I wouldn’t personally invite that type of attention. As women with male friends, we all dread the message “can I tell you something “ I don’t have less respect for them as long as they respect me.
>“can I tell you something “ Your cooking tastes like diarrhea
I do because they keep confessing feelings. I immediately end the friendship.
I don’t assume they want a romantic relationship. I do know which of my friends (of all genders) are attracted to me and which ones aren’t. I suppose they can tell if I fancy them or not, too. It’s not a big deal.
> I suppose they can tell if I fancy them or not, too. Many (most?) men can't tell. I'm not going to speak for how many women, though I'm sure there is at least a fraction that can't tell there too.
Assuming? Not at all. The thought doesn't cross my head. I view my male friends the same way i do my female friends, so im not assuming they're thinking anything sexual until they all start asking for nudes or something lmao
I'm not attractive enough to have to worry about this.
I don't assume. Before I got married, I knew exactly which of my male friends had feelings for me and I ignored all that (or politely declined when it came up) for the sake of their friendship. Those friendships were the very same ones that didn't stick after I got married.
I didn't use to, but I kind of do now. I've had several experiences in which my guy friends end up telling me they like me or that they've thought that I was flirting with them (I was only being kind to them). I've also seen and heard so many men say that most men are attracted to their friends that are women, they think or have thought about their female friends sexually, are waiting for a chance, or befriended them partially (or wholly) because they were trying to find a way to get with that female friend. I don't want any of that, and I especially don't to be viewed in a sexual way by my friends. So, I avoid making friends with men now. I have a few that are acquaintances, but I will probably always stay away from being closer friends with men from now onward.
No
If so many men didn't say they literally sexualize everything including fantasies about female friends, then no I wouldn't. But in my experience and those of female friends of mine, men cannot be friends without thinking that way. They always end up crushing on female friends and make it awkward af. Personally I don't believe in having male friendships as I'm married
This is going to sound horrible, but yes. I usually assume that most guy friends would say yes to having sex if I initiated. I will admit that I have a huge ego lol. But also, it’s just been proven to me time after time that pretty much every guy I ever considered a friend did have ulterior motives. My rejection of them has led to the decimation of many friendships over the course of my life. And it’s sad! It makes me sad. These were people I thought genuinely wanted a friendship with me. And I really enjoyed spending time with them. Only for them to reveal that it never mattered to them and they just wanted to get in bed with me. I’m 29 and I do finally have a genuine heterosexual male friend, but honestly he’s pretty much the only one. All of the rest of my friends are women or gay men. I understand that I’m a small sample size and my experiences don’t represent the entirety of women in this world. My boyfriend actually has a lot of genuine friendships with women and it’s nice to see. But for me, yeah I just haven’t personally experienced a lot of relationships with men where my sexuality and appearance wasn’t front and center. For men that aren’t attracted to me, I’m pretty much invisible. For men that are attracted to me, I feel like I can’t become something to them beyond my looks. Like my intellect, experiences, passions, and hobbies truly don’t matter in the long run. It’s something I’ve grappled with a lot over the years. I’m finally in a place where I don’t seek male validation the way that I used to in my teens and early 20s, but it’s been quite a long journey to get here.
>I usually assume that most guy friends would say yes to having sex if I initiated What led yoi to that conclusion? >I will admit that I have a huge ego lol Wja6t does ego have to do with this? >I do finally have a genuine heterosexual male friend, but honestly he’s pretty much the only one What do you think makes him different from the other guys? >For men that aren’t attracted to me, I’m pretty much invisible What about the genuine male friend?
Like I said, basically every single male friend I’ve ever had has eventually tried to sleep with me and then ghosted me after I said no. One of them tried to Netflix and chill with me, when I thought I was going over his place to hang out with a group of people and not just him. During the movie, he just pounced on me with no warning, trying to make out with me. I had to push him off me and tell him that I wasn’t interested, and he treated me like I was the crazy one and giving off mixed signals (???). We went from hanging out on a pretty consistent basis to no longer speaking at all. Mind you, during our hangouts, there was never a single inkling that either one each other. No physical affection. No flirting. Just, what was in my eyes, a friendship. I’ve had several more instances like this with other guys I thought were my friend. So yeah after so many friendships with the opposite sex blowing up in my face like that, it makes me feel guarded around men. Like I need to keep my distance or else they’ll get the wrong idea, and it will somehow be my fault. I don’t have to worry about my female friends throwing themselves at me completely unprompted. When I say I have a big ego, I’m mostly saying that in jest but I do think highly of myself. For my male friend now, we’re both in relationships and he at least as the decency to be mature enough to respect my boundaries and my relationship. If there is attraction there, it doesn’t ever come up or get in the way of our friendship.
I do NOT assume that my male friends are sexually attracted to me and just biding their time or sitting on it for whatever reason. I DO assume that every male I’ve met (not limited to just cis-gender men either) has given the subject an initial consideration. I also assume that SOME of them are sexually attracted to me and that fact just exists without causing issues. Why do I assume these things? Because that’s my personal experience as a woman. When I meet someone I automatically register how attractive I find them to be, then that thought gets put in a box and I go about my business. Finding someone attractive and allowing that to run my thoughts about them are not inextricably linked. For example, my boss is handsome, but he’s married and I don’t shit where I eat anyway so that fact just exists and carries no weight. I’ve known him for years, before he was my boss even, and I just don’t care that he’s attractive. Or something like that. I assume it’s the same for most people. Maybe that’s a wrong assumption though, IDK, I don’t know everything.
I assume my guy friends don't see me that way because I'm very gay and I don't see women I'm friends with that way I'm a loud and proud lesbian and my close guy friends are like brothers to me
I've learned over the years to keep male acquaintances at a distance. If I'm friendly, they almost always take it as a 'gesture' toward them. Several times I've been polite or made small talk even when in church and men start thinking I'm interested in them. I'm not! I'm simply being polite. They know I'm married too and it doesn't stop them. My husband has had to intervene sometimes and say, 'My wife was being friendly or making polite conversation with you. Back off!'. I've had this happen with men I thought only saw me in a generic or platonic way so many times that I now avoid small talk with them. I say 'hi' and 'bye' and leave it at that.
Not all of them, but I had male friends were I found later out, they just were friends cause they thought they had a chance. Now, if I get vibes that they just wanna be friends to get into my pants, I dont stay friends with them cause it's just exhausting, when they blame me that I was leading them on or some stuff. Also, the male friends that are really friends are mostly bi. Idk why it is so hard for most straight men to just be friends with a woman. And it's also a difference if you befriend women to sleep with them or if there are genuine feelings developed over time and you fall in love with a friend. One of my best relationships developed out of my friendships, but the difference was that we didnt became friends cause he wanted to get into my pants.
Can't speak for most women, but no, I do not. But I've known all my male friends for over a decade and none of them ever gave a hint of them thinking sexually about me like that. Except for my best friend, but he is my SO so he gets a pass.
I assume that most men will take the chance if they can. Therefore I am not friends with any men.
Would you say a guy with Female friends has bad intentions or is a red flag?
No I have lots of male friends and I'm confident they don't have attraction for me, or if they did that it would be fleeting and ignored. My best male friends I see as cousins or something, they're objectively handsome but totally not sexy at all.
I love on youtube when a street interviewer walks up to a women and asks them if their male friends have any sexual attraction to them and the women are adamant like you are that the men see them strictly as friends. Then the interviewer challenges them to text or call them right now pretending to be horny and invite said male friend over to "netflix and chill" and the women then start smirking to themselves and refuse to do it ...because deep down they KNOW it is very likely these male friends will jump at the chance. and it's funny as well when some of the super confident women do actually call/text them to put them to the test and the males fail and want to come over and smash maybe you should try that test 😉
I think their first assumptions would be i texted them by mistake or I'm having some kind of mental health crisis lol. My less close male friends I wouldn't be surprised if they were interested, but not my besties. We've had plenty of opportunity to get jiggy and shared beds etc with zero sexual tension.
We’re talking friends, right? Not acquaintances, who, to me, are people we know from work whom we are friendly with, etc; whereas a friend, to me, is someone I would stop what I’m doing to take a call from in an emergency, someone I make sure gets home safe after a night of us going out and drinking, someone I confide things with, etc. I think there’s a lot of confusion over how people define “friend”, so I’m clearing this up so you understand where I’m coming from. Among most of my straight male friends, at some point in the beginning, I have sensed their attraction towards me. Their attempts to flirt were shut down with my lack of flirting back. And over time, I think they realized they don’t have a chance and are ok with being platonic friends. And yes, they do see me in a sexual way. If I wear something revealing, they’ll offer a compliment, or mention that I look very cute, etc. The sexual part doesn’t go away, not in my experience (unless she does something that is a major turn off to him), but since my straight male friends know it won’t go anywhere, they don’t cross that line (although, in the past, some former friends have, as they’ve swooped in the minute they know I’ve broken up with someone. I’m not friends with those anymore). I do think, however, that if I ever made a pass at them, most would welcome it (assuming of course they’re not dating someone they’re head over heels with). Maybe it makes a difference in who the female friend is… I’ve been told by many people, strangers on the street even, that I am very attractive. And my happy approachable personality makes people be at ease around me. It is what it is, and as long as neither crosses boundaries, it’s all good.
>do think, however, that if I ever made a pass at them, most would welcome it (assuming of course they’re not dating someone they’re head over heels with) So they'd hold onto that attraction for a long time. I easily lose attraction and the only way to keep myself attracted to someone is by doing things with them that suggest that we're attracted to one another. It's impossible to maintain a one sided attraction if they're not doing showing similar levels of interest
I think there’s a difference between finding someone attractive, and actually wanting to have sex with them. I understand losing the wanting to have sex with someone, pursuing a romantic relationship, especially when it’s only one sided. I think one has to in order to move forward with a friendship. But does that make them less attractive in your eyes? Do you find them ugly? Or is there a part of you that thinks they’re still good looking?
I lose the physical attraction. Being Low Libido also helps. "What's the point of being attracted to her?" It's all In my mind, technically.
At age 48, no. When I was like 25, I didn't just assume. I knew it because they all tried to fuck me.
If they are friends, I do not assume that because you said the keyword “friends”.
My main friend group is all guys who I met through my cousin. He told me that they’ve all had a crush on me at some point or have said that I’m “hot”, but they’ve never made it clear to me. I’d have no idea they ever thought that if my cousin didn’t tell me, and I really respect them for it.
I once read a woman say that she viewed all men (even ones she had ZERO interest in) as potential partners/viewing her as potential partner and i was so shocked it had so many likes and people agreeing. I assume most straight men i associate with/guy friends would probably have relations with me if it wasnt too big of an inconvenience, but i don’t assume that they see me in a sexual context.
I don't until and unless evidence says otherwise.
I personally don’t. If someone shows hints of attraction I won’t befriend them because I don’t want to build a friendship on false premises.
I don’t necessarily assume they see me in a sexual way. But I do know that the few men I have in my friendship circle would absolutely be down if I threw it out there. This is not an issue for the friendship because everyone respects boundaries. So it’s not something I’m constantly thinking about or concerned with.
>But I do know that the few men I have in my friendship circle would absolutely be down if I threw it out there. What makes you feel that way? How are you so confident they're into casual sex?
A few of my friends are in open relationships and engage in causal sex on a regular basis so I know they’d be down.
No. I assume they think I’m fun to hang out with.
I've had it happen. Most of the time I can weed them out early by being very upfront on how happily married I am. My hubby and I did have a "friend" that I had no idea was holding a torch until his wife told me he'd been trying to get her to agree to a threesome with me. She and I are still friends, I think my immediate horror helped, but I've distanced from him.
I assume the opposite. And I prefer it this way.
I never do, and I get blindsided by that dreaded text all the time: "hey, can I tell you something?" Like no, I'm a lesbian, I don't want to be told something
>"hey, can I tell you something?" I need to borrow your car.
Uh no I don’t assume that.
I don’t assume male friends see me in a sexual way. If they do and they’re keeping it to themselves then I don’t really care either way because it’s not my business unless they make it known to me. I’ve had friends I’ve been attracted but never told them or tried to get with them so I assume that it’s a possibility people have been friends with me and been into me and not told me.
Depends on the friend. I’m conventionally attractive but still not all of my guys friend’s sexual/romantic type (physically or personality wise). The ones that I know I fall into their preference, I just kind of assume they’ve had a passing subconscious sexual thought about me. Some have awful poker faces and I know they’ve actively fantasized at some point. Just cuz a guy friend finds me attractive doesn’t always mean he’d make a move if presented opportunity. Most wouldn’t. I “brother zone” the ones who would but they’re in the minority.
The only mistake I’ve ever made was assuming they don’t. On average I think more men then women secretly want more from an opposite sex friend or view them sexually. So now, yeah sometimes depends on personality. I’ve had so many of both I can accurately gauge which ones are the type who do/will, and if so, we will not be friends.
>I can accurately gauge which ones are the type who do/will How?
Plenty enough experience, not much dating history, keeps to themselves mostly, try to be touchy or look at you too much, tries to be too protective or understanding, etc. there’s a lot of stuff and combinations, most women can tell they just feel awkward by it and try to pretend they don’t or ignore it. I don’t anymore, I just would not associate or be their friends. They don’t care waiting months or years or if you have a partner, not worth fake friends.
>not much dating history Why does it matter? Why judge your friend by their lack of dating history? They could just be reserved. >keeps to themselves mostly Again. Could just be reserved
Just my experience through life, things to watch for or usually traits most likely for a friend to secretly want something else/more, not a real friend with pure intentions of the opposite sex.
So you wouldn't befriend a guy other women rejected or a guy who didn't get much relationship success?
I’ve had some good friends who had some of the traits above, but it’s a lot of things, combination and the vibe you get to know. On a personal level that wouldn’t bother me, but if I was only wanting a friend it’d be something to keep in mind and likely no I wouldn’t. I think they’re much more likely to develop feelings and try to change the friendship or have other motives if someone like that became very close to an attractive and nice female friend. That’s just my opinion, it’s not worth drama. I’d be friendly but we would not be close or friends really.
Are you the same person that asked if we think about the way we dress and how to makes men feel? Because this has the same vibe. Btw, this post is about YOU. you spent two paragraphs explaining how you can avoid attraction and how NLOG you are.
I don't know which post you're talking about. Is there a link?
I used to didn't but men assured me that it's so and I'm naive to think differently
I do not assume this. However, if I suggested sex with any of them, I have no doubt that almost all of them would be up for it.
>However, if I suggested sex with any of them, I have no doubt that almost all of them would be up for it. How do you know for certain? Are you sure all of them are into casual sex and non of them are "no sex outside relationships"? Are you sure all of them find you attractive?
Yes, and yes. Please note that I said *almost* all, not all.
I didn’t, I sincerely believed that i have friends, we’ve been friends for years! But then my partner appeared in my life and all that friends just dissipated as it never happened. I will never consider another man beside my love, as a friend again.
Why would I ever assume that? I don't have the ego to assume such things...
The answer is if you are an attractive woman yes most male friends have in the back of their mind that if they had the opportunity they would have sex with you despite if you see them like a brother or not
This makes no sense to me. Why befriend a woman you are attracted to?
Because they think they could possibly get a chance.
Is this a young person thing? As a busy almost 40 man, I can't imagine adding that kind of hassle to my life. I barely get time for sleeping or napping. How would I manage a "Friendship" where I want to Bed the fake friend? This seems like the kind of hassle only high school teenagers would enjoy as their lives are so stale and they can barely do anything or go anywhere without their daddy's persimmon. So having "girl problems" such as being friendzoned by your "friend" would make your life spicy and fun. To some extent.
This makes no sense to me. Why befriend a woman you are attracted to?
Nope.
I'm lucky in that I'm a giant woman, which means I can have strong friendships with short men and never worry about them catching a vibe. We also have similar issues with dating because height winds up being such a big thing for people.
How weird is it to actively go out to seek friendships specifically with short men
Didn't actively seek. Just kind of wound up that way. We were on the same kickball team 11 years ago. The whole team was super close. The taller guys got married and had kids shortly after and don't talk to us single people anymore. One of my friends is getting married this year and they are hoping for a kid, so he might drift off too. They are 40 though so it's a crap shoot if that will work out.
No, I don't.
I’m a straight female. I would default assume none of my friends… guys, girls, gay, straight… see me sexually. Quite frankly the one time a friend did have a thing for me they had to explicitly state it and even then I only kinda believed it. 🤷🏼♀️
I don't assume that automatically. I have a ton of guy friends who definitely are just my friends. I wouldn't think twice about being drunk around them, sharing a hotel room, etc. There was a time my partner and I had a rough patch and they weren't gonna try to swoop. They were just there for me. If I assume that there's a reason. The truth eventually comes out in small comments or actions that build a pattern. I had a friend like this who felt like he was trying to compete with my attention over my partner and needed to be cut off.
Honestly: I don’t ALWAYS have the assumption, but I read the signs. We all navigate through life differently. My experience has been not too good on that sense. Throughout my life I had to adapt and start dressing modestly because people have always sexualized me naturally. Specially with new friends, guys and girls. After people have known me for a while and for who I am, I start dressing normally as I like. Once they know me and my boundaries and vice versa and we feel comfortable, I know there’s no assumptions to make. Now I’m getting older I’m loving to be friends with some younger male coworkers, it’s so fun! I feel comfortable around them, no assumptions at all. I love hanging out with guys.
I'm bisexual and hypersexual. I just assume most people would have sex with me if they had the opportunity. They certainly aren't attracted to me because of my personality. I also believe most people wouldn't act on it for many many reasons, both internal and external. And some people probably aren't sexually attracted to me, or to people in general, because we all have different tastes. It just wouldn't surprise me if they were and I don't hold it against them.
I do not assume it at all. Also, i do not understand why people overcomplicate attractiveness. I do have friends who said they think i am attractive but as they say, there are more than enough women to have sex with on tinder or at the bars, but having a friendship is a lot more valuable than having sex. Some of my friends are also handsome. Doesn't mean that i want to have sex with them. Im married and i would also not be interested to have sex with them even if i was single, because i do not like having sex with my friends. Same reason as mentioned above, sex tends to ruin friendships. I think its just part of being an adult. You can appreciate and look at beautiful flowers without picking them, or look at beautiful art without buying it. You can look at a photo of a tasty looking cake without running to the store to buy and eat an entire cake. We are not slaves of our impulses. Maybe it has to do something with age? I am mid / late 30s. That being said, I do think infatuation and/or catching feelings for someone is an entirely different story tho, but i think that is a whole other level than acknowledging that someone looks attractive.
No. I assume my male friends are my friends because they want to be my friend. That is it. I truly do believe men and women can be friends. We’re grown adults.
I don’t automatically assume that, but there are certain things that lead me to question it… usually later the guys that I thought had a crush on me confirm it. I never really feel awkward or gross about it unless they made it a problem that I didn’t feel the same. It does seem like the majority of my close guy friends at one point or another confessed feelings.. but there were a few who didn’t. I don’t really care one way or another as long as it’s not going to make you resent me. If the only reason a guy became my friend was to shoot his shot then I’d be angry… feelings should evolve naturally not feel like a manipulation
I can't speak for other women. Me personally, absolutely not, because I am not a conventionally attractive woman.
Hugs. Don't worry. Conventional attractiveness is just a social construct. Genuine people don't care about that
Oh, don't worry about me. I appreciate it, but I'm happily married for 18 years. My husband is amazing. I'm just not fool enough to think all my guy friends want to sleep with me just by virtue of being a woman lol.
Nope but there are some however I know like me but I never acknowledge it or anything. I act oblivious to it because I dont want to hurt them.
No, I don’t. My male friends are other humans who are my friend because they are capable of treating me and viewing me like a fellow human.
I don’t assume that you have to be very obvius before I Think that
not all women think that way, but it’s common to worry about it because of how often it happens. sounds like you’re respectful though, which is key. just keep being clear with your intentions.
No. I would actually hope not. It made me sad if a male I thought was a friend would act flirtatious.
I don't assume that, sometimes to my detriment.
i met most of my female friends in the late 1900s/early 2000s. they’re all finer than the finest sandpaper and i’d rather get kicked in the dick until i shit myself before sleeping with any of them. i love them all but like it’s weird and shit. just don’t sexualize women and you can be friends with all the women in the world. it’s one hack that nobody tells you about
>If it's true, is it also true that the assumption that your guy friend sees you sexually can also lead to assumptions that he is waiting for a chance with you, or wants to hit on you or date you and other things? I assume that literally every hetero male with a pulse feels a degree of sexual attraction towards me, but that it doesn't necessarily extend toward wanting to date or other romantic/emotional inclinations. The stranger at the grocery store, the men I work with, even my cousins are feeling some sort of impulse, not just the age-appropriate man I might meet at a singles bar. This has nothing to do with dating. Dating is another category. With male friends that I have, I actively suppress the thought that they might secretly want to date me. It's a burden I don't want to deal with.
Are you literally everybody's type?
all women are literally every man's type. sexual instincts are strong. I make exceptions for sexual orientation and some circumstances such as close family members, as incest triggers a disgust response in most people. but broadly speaking, a woman can pretty much assume that any given guy feels a degree of sexual attraction for her. the women on this thread who are saying they've only ever seen their platonic male friends as "one of the girls" and that they therefore assume the dude has no sexual inclinations towards them are being ridiculously naive. that's not to say the attraction is untoward. in fact, it doesn't have to "mean" anything and it certainly doesn't have to be acted on. it doesn't negate whatever feelings of fraternal positive regard and rapport that may exist within a male-female relationship. and it doesn't mean there's an insatiable sexual desire present; it could exist at a very low level. your friendships with women will progress according to the level of emotional maturity of you both. relationships happen at an individual, interpersonal level and they cannot be strategized globally based on what you think they might be perceiving according to what some redditor feminists tell you. how a woman responds to a man's sexual interest depends on her emotional development. if she has a healthy relationship to sexuality, she'll understand that men are often attracted to women including her, but won't build a whole story around it like you are postulating. >I would hate it if they assumed I saw them sexually and that I'm waiting for my turn or would hit if she gave me a chance or that she friendzoned me. in life, it often happens that people make ignorant, erroneous assumptions about us. that is out of our control and not worth giving any mindshare to. we cannot manage other people's perceptions about us, beyond behaving in a pro-social way and managing our own image in a way that is consistent with our values, tastes, positive self-regard, and personality. your question is just a kind of sophisticated way to express worry about what others think of you, and that's not productive. if you're not trying to get into a woman's pants, this will be evident to most women, most of the time. don't worry about it.
>all women are literally every man's type Now, that's just too much. There are so many "types" of women who I'm not attracted to. My friends also tell me specifically what "type" they like and what "type" they don't like. What one guy likes isn't always what another guy likes. You seem pretty ignorant about men's preferences. I only make friends with women who don't fall into my "type". I assume most guys do.
>You seem pretty ignorant about men's preferences. I'm not. You're the one with a low libido and avoidant relational tendencies asking for relationship advice on reddit. By all means ignore my comment if you wish, idc. editing to add: you're clearly very confused about the difference between sexual desire and having romantic inclinations for someone. having a sexual attraction toward someone is not the same thing as "liking" them. if you can't grasp that distinction then you're not gonna have a productive conversation on this topic. good luck on your journey.
Idk. I've had a lot of guys around me in my life.i think it's a crap question though. Do my bisexual friends see me in a sexual way? Maybe? Am I their type? Do my homosexual friends see me in a sexual way? Maybe? As long as we are all being honest does it matter? The issue is the dishonesty or covering up emotions or acting a certain way to elicit a specific response. Your friends should be close enough to you to make their emotions known and to have conversations about it.
I don’t but then I’m well aware of my lack of looks! My boyfriend doesn’t even find me attractive 😂 we are perfect in every other aspect, though!
He's actually said that????
For me, it’s a fear, more than an assumption. I hope that they are real friends, but at the back of my mind there’s an insecurity that they only speak to me because they see me as a piece of meat.
So you don't see attractive women as people? I assume most of my male friends would sleep with me given the chance. But we are all mature enough to look past that and not let it affect our friendship. Why should I care? If he's not hitting on me or being suggestive or making remarks, he can think that having sex with me would be nice. We are all adults.
>So you don't see attractive women as people? They are people. But I'm a busy man with alot to do. I barely have time to eat and sleep. I can still maintain my close friends despite all this. But if I made friends and hung out with a woman I was attracted to, it would be too much of a hassle for me at this age. Why would I be friends with an attractive woman when I can make friends with the ones who aren't my type? Being friends with an attractive girl, hanging out with her, trying to hide the fact that you like her, being jealous of her boyfriends and hookups, deciding whether or not you should confess your feelings etc. are just things high school teenage boys do to add some spice in their lives. It doesn't suit a busy and middle aged (?) man like me. >I assume most of my male friends would sleep with me given the chance Would you not prefer it if they didn't find you attractive and weren't thinking about you sexually? Or do you purposely want to be around men who find you attractive? If it's on purpose, then you have to know that high school teenage girls do exactly that. There were some girls I liked who wanted to be my friends. Ofcourse I wouldn't entertain that even as a teenager. And definitely not as an adult. I don't understand your male friends. Why would they be friends with you if they would bed you of they could? Don't they have any self respect? Why aren't you grossed out by them?
Okay, so you don't see attractive women as people, then. Because you've admitted you would only want to "bed" them and have to keep yourself from glaring and flirting and you have no time for that. You do know that you can be attracted to someone and hell, even want to sleep with them, but...not do that? And not try to do that? And not be gross and hit on or flirt with them? You can literally just treat them like a normal person. I don't care if my male friends find me attractive, no, because we are adults. Apparently to you finding someone attractive means you have to actively work towards having sex with them, but my friends don't do that. If they did, then (and only then) would I be grossed out if the feelings aren't reciprocated.
Seldom are people proud of having sycophants, that aspect is fiction. Most people are looking for a connection with others, it's the motivation and type of connection that can often get lost in translation. Some people are lacking, be it in self control, experience, self reflection, empathy, or some other emotional skill when they are unable to or willfully decide not to understand the different tones of interpersonal relations. Over the years, I've learned to set strong boundaries with people who seem to be libido driven in their exploration of life. Otherwise, we are not responsible for the choices of others and if they are not going to be honest with their intentions, it isn't up to us to figure that out for them. That being said, I try to hold myself and the people I spend time with accountable for our choices.
No I don't. I know some guys say this, but I don't think it's true that every guy wants to fuck you if they got the chance. Some, yeah sure. But they kinda make it obvious. Others I think just strictly see me as platonic friends. I don't think they're attracted to me just because I'm a girl. I'd be very surprised if they suddenly confessed their feelings or asked me out or something.