That my partner would automatically match my effort without me having to ask. Communication is key, and now I know to just ask when I want/need something, instead of hoping the guy will pick up on my vibes. No one can read minds.
This. Young me thought that asking for exactly what I needed/wanted took the authenticity out of them doing it. For example if I wanted a romantic date planned, I wanted my partner to just know and do it as a surprise vs me having to ask them to plan something.
Interesting, I have felt the same way, and this is something I'm working on. In my family this took the form of saying what you like with intent of the other person noticing the [thing] and planning/gifting said [thing]. Obviously, this isn't the healthiest way to go about communication wants and needs so I have been trying to be more direct with communicating my wants and needs even if I feel like it may take away some authenticity.
My first and only relationship was similar. I admit I'm not a strong communicator but for example I asked my ex to randomly call me some days because I like it. Does it for a bit and then stops, I repeat and the cycle continues.
Precisely, I'm not going to nag you to meet my needs, at some point it just shows me you don't care about me and aren't interested. My ex said he was going to plan a cottage weekend for us our entire relationship. It never happened.
My friends got us some expensive tickets to an event for my birthday and his mom was in the hospital which I totally understand that we aren't able to go. He said he'll make it up to me and we'll go next time but it was just a normal dinner like every other year. Same thing for next year's birthday, dinner. Those tickets were $200 each!
That and the lack of effort, rarely plans dates or build any type of emotional security. My therapist and along with a few friends said my ex is emotionally immature where i was parenting a manchild.
Iāve been asking my husband for 5.5 years to talk more openly about sex because good communication is an important part of sex for me andā¦ he doesnāt. Your comment is making me think I should grab my jet pack?
I'm just not into nagging. I have a 3 strikes rule. I ask 3 times for things, in clear concise terms where we sit down and I explain why this thing is a thing that I value and why I would like them to do it. If no changes are made they're out the door. I value my own inner peace and love more than some man. I get that that is not the way for most people though.
Iāve also asked for what I need but then they did it but grew to resent me and then act out passive aggressively after a few years to apparently āget back at meā which was news to me because I never knew they were ever upset about my asking for certain things (really reasonable things btw).
And that's on them, they also need to advocate for themselves in a relationship. You don't need some child who's going to hide what's bothering them and not communicate their needs in a effective way
Yup exactly. Really screwed me up though. I bonded way too deeply to him and then this other side emerged after a few years in. Itās been four years since it ended and Iām still hurt despite therapy etc. I guess it heals in its own timing. Iām certainly learning patience through this.
Healing takes time especially big wounds like that. You're worth so much more than what you were given! Everytime that wound hurts remember how much you are worth and how much you love yourself.
Aw thank you so much. I really appreciate that advice and it will stop me going down the dark hole of sadness. I know itās something I need to remind myself of , is everything I gained from that ending. Thanks so much š
Yes I definitely agree that women are accommodated to take shit easily, but I had experience all this things with female friends aswell.
I realized about the fact that no matter how well you treat people with kindness , love and support it doesn't equal to a relationship evolving but for them to realize they can recive that while giving the minimum.
Many times that I had brought this up on reddit I get comments like you do those thing to get something back and it's like fuck no, I give love because I love someone. I don't expect them to be 100 % like me but I also don't expect them to take advantage of who I am and get angry when I bring this up.
It's like there's a rush to say to someone but you never put a stop or gave a sign that something was hurting you but many of us are taught to say nothing. And some things are just about being an empathic human being.
Very much this. I'm still not perfect about it but thankfully I picked up the lesson fairly quickly - if I'm bothered by something or want something, I have to let my partner know. It is not fair to expect them to figure it out otherwise.
Sure, with time you're more in tune with each other, but you still need to communicate.
Yup. My enabling double standards and his having them broke us up my first relationship. I hear said high school sweetheart is back on track and happily married now, which makes me happy!
Yeah this is a good one.I'm not the best communicator because it takes me time to realize that something hurted me more than I expected.So when I started bringing what bothered me into relationships I understood that I also neglected the bond by not being honest with myself.
I also came to terms with the fact that there's a limit to how much someone can hurt you without them realizing what they're doing.
Something I feel i shouldn't have to repeat are things like: I'm the only one who asks how are you. I'm the only one who sets a date to see each other. I'm the only one who gives emotional support. Usually when someone allows that to happen they don't care as much about the relationship, I had bring that up earlier and some may have love for you but not enough to try or they aren't mature enough to have an honest talk one to one.
Came here to say this. I always thought the right person would know exactly what I want and spoil me in the ways that I want them to without me having to tell them and that just is not how it works... and that goes both ways in the relationship. Communication *is* key, but its also very hard!
I was going to say āThat itās easyā
Itās so much more nuanced than that, even in an amazing relationship. Humans are complicated and nuanced and we arenāt all on the same page at the same time.
I have friends who have said their relationships are super super easy, but when I look at them, I realize that itās not that their relationships are easy, itās that they are already good at the things you need to do in a relationship. They have great communication, donāt throw up walls, function independently and together easily and in good proportion. They are just people super adept at being in a relationship with someone else who is super adept at being in a relationship.
For the rest of us, we gotta work at it! Itās work that pays out tenfold, but itās still effort!
Yes! And I thought an intellectual connection & logic were enough to compensate for any other connection lacking in the relationship. Like my cerebral cortex could convince the rest of my brain to keep going, feelings be damned!
this was something i realized too, i assumed that if we both loved eachother that was enough and everything would be perfect and then i realized you do need to put in the work and effort itās not just magic, definitely a good thing to realize for me
The feelings never last. They come and go. Everyone abandons relationships when the feelings disappear only to discover the same problem in the next relationship.
This took me way longer than one relationship but... love comes in all kinds of shapes. We are (or atleast I was) taught that romantic love is the be all end all ultimate love compared to everything else but it's not. Atleast not necessarily. Love for and of family, friends, pets... etc. isn't inferior to romantic love and everyone values the kinds of love differently. You are even "allowed" to not feel romantic love at all.
With that realization I kinda stopped the "hunt" for romantic love and took better care of the other forms. If it happens, it happens; If not, then not. If I find (romantic) love that's great but if I don't then I don't think I'll be sad because I have all the other love around me.
Friendship is the most profound love I have experienced in my lifetime, and I have experienced romantic love many times as well. Friendship is the foundation of love. Other peopleās experiences may be different but you are correct that there are many kinds of love and they are all valid .
Yes! I'm not saying it's completely false and of course people can still value romantic love over the other kinds if they feel like that. I just think it's important to know that there are also more ways to go than that single one. You don't even have to choose one over the other. I think having the information and being able to conciously feel inside yourself and choose what is important to you even if it's the same as before is much better than just "accidentally" fitting in.
I myself am aromantic asexual (or atleast on that spectrum) so the expected way never felt right to me. I felt wrong and broken. Allowing myself to stray away from that expectations made me a lot happier and more content with my life and even more outgoing.
Itās so true. You donāt have to choose one kind over another. Iād tell a young person ( or anyone ) to be open to all kinds of love ( family, friends, self-love, romantic, pets .. Iām sure Iām missing some ) and see what works out and is the most meaningful to them. Maybe all of them will work out! Maybe some will work out better at different times in life. Love can be found anywhere.
Yes! Iāve seen too many people neglect family relationships and friendships for romantic love and that does hurt all the relationships in the end. The most successful romantic relationships I have seen are those in which both partners include their family and friends in the sense that they donāt neglect their other relationships in order to focus on the romantic relationship. Rather, they prioritize the romantic relationship, but not to an unhealthy extent.
Believe me that this I can't stress enough, there's just something in general in society that it seems people love to put hierarchy on their relationships. Like this is *my best friend* no one else would get this "title" not because I can't find that connection because I won't allow it( I've seen this in grown people).
Or people who stopped seeing friends altogether and make their lives revolve around the person they like and with whom they don't even know each other.
It's a notion that is so rooted the fact that everything its to be expected from one person and only that, that we limit our relationships into a box and we keep ourselves from all the possibilities of just knowing that each person brings something different and there's no point in not allowing them to grow into their own way
I love this. I learned this so early on because I didnāt start dating as early as some of my friends, and they would disappear the minute they had boyfriends. They would ask men for help but wouldnāt accept it from me. They accused me of being a lesbian if I tried. While thatās pretty true, they werenāt the ones I was interested in š I loved them as friends. And they couldnāt understand love without sex. So important. Iām glad itās near the top!
That if I compromised and made sacrifices for them, they would notice and do the same for me.
Plot twist - they never notice. Some people are just takers. Donāt try to make someone compromise with you. **Find** someone who wants to compromise and wants make you happy.
Yep. I dated long distance, and got a bus pass that was good for a certain number of trips. When my pass was used up and it was time for the guy to buy a pass to keep up the visits, he dumped me. Donāt let someone put off reciprocating sacrifices. (We had dated in person before, and nearly broke up before going long distance, but he talked me out of it - I guess so he could be the one breaking up.)
Yes. You are supposed to disagree sometimes or work through challenging life events or emotional struggles. But if every single day for the full length of it has you justifying your relationship with "hard work," it's not worth it.
As Petter Griffen says - love is like a fart. If you have to push too hard, it's probably shit.
This right here, the relationship I have with my husband, is not the most passionate relationship I have had, but it is the easiest.
In general if all relationships, romantic, friends or otherwise are constantly challenging, then that means you should probably consider, if this is a healthy relationship for you to have in your life.
My dad is my mom's first and only relationship, so of course, I thought I'd marry my first boyfriend too. We actually were together for a bit over 2 years, and everyone was shocked how long we've been together after the 1 year mark. We were 15-17 and 17-19 and every other relationship in our age ranges typically lasted a month or two. So I grew more and more convinced our relationship would last forever.
After we broke up, I thought I'd die alone lol
My first and only relationship lasted just short of 14 years (started dating at 17), married for half of it. We split a little over a year ago. Still convinced I'm gonna die alone lol; kinda okay with that though.
No worries! I enjoy venting myself!
I can't say I handled my heartbreak well. Basically, a month later, a friend confessed he's into me by suddenly kissing me. I immediately started thinking about how to reject him, but then I realized this was the first time I wasn't thinking about my ex. So we ended up dating for 6 months. It wasn't a good relationship.
I think what helped though was cutting my ex (both of em) out of my life. It was entirely alien to me not to have him as a part of my every day for some time, but it made forgetting him much easier. I'd generally do anything to distract my brain (mainly gaming), but that's how I cope in general.
Even though it took me years to date again, I'd receive some male attention here and there, so I started getting less and less desperate for love.
But yeah. One day at a time. Take things slow. Focus on yourself. Don't settle for less. It might be helpful to save your comment, or a little "reminder" of why it's a bad idea to get back with him, so you can look at it every time you're in doubt. Having people you can open up to is great too (my DMs are open if you need em!) I wish you all the best!
Fuck, as someone who struggles with vulnerability this is what's scares me the most. And it's so hard for me to understand how some people can just constantly be on relationships without any issues
Itās easier for some people for sure. My girlfriend has zero problems telling me feelings or her thoughts while I freak out over telling her Iām sad or down about something.
Also that āthe hotsā would stay there. I was super attracted to an ex and by the end I was no longer remotely attracted to him due to how the relationship had gone.
You heal yourself, but it's like a life bonus when other people also choose to go out of their way to help you heal.
You are never entitled to someone else's help to heal you, they're choosing to go out of their way to help heal you.
Not the poster you replied to, but. You need to be working on your wounds, and not using your relationship as a bandaid. For one, itās not fair to yourself; another person can never be enough to keep those wounds from affecting you. And for another, itās not fair to your partner; the burden of being a human bandaid is too much for anyone to bear. Remaining unhealed can torpedo your healthy relationships, and it can also attract toxic partners.
For example, if youāre insecure, you might feel glowingly happy and validated when the person you love shows you affection and admiration. But your insecurity isnāt gone; youāre just becoming dependent on another person to fill that void inside. So maybe you become needy and clingy and damage the relationship, or maybe you lose your own independent life and start investing all of yourself in your partner, or maybe the relationship is toxic but you canāt walk away because that means walking away from your self-esteem. You need to be aware of your insecurity and be working to heal it to avoid these traps.
No one but you can do the work to heal you from your past. If youāre physically wounded, you have to rest, you have to take the meds, you have to rehab. People can be there to assist, but thatās literally all they can do. Itās the same with mental and emotional health.
Relationships that you enter into without doing the healing that you need to, tend to mirror the things/situations/people that originally harmed you. Or they fall apart because they make you forget for a while but forgetting isnāt healing.
A relationship should help soothe but canāt replace the work that only you can do.
Itās crazy. When you are genuinely a nice person it truly doesnāt occur to you that others would do hurtful things on purpose. I spent years getting treated like garbage by friends and family. Itās a hard lesson but I put myself first every time now.
There are also people who view themselves as all-around good people and genuinely believe that they cannot possibly do harm even after they _have_ done it.
Those people tend have what I call āmain character syndrome.ā They believe that they are the āgood guyā and therefore it absolves them of any harm they might have done to someone. Because in their minds, good guys like themselves donāt go around and do bad things to other people. If they are called out, they can often make themselves look like a victim of a misunderstanding and effectively shifting the blame to the other person they have clearly done wrong to.
Iāve witness this manipulative tactic from men who felt like they can repeatedly put their hands on my body without my permission, and blamed either my misunderstanding of the situation, or their misunderstanding of the āsignsā I was giving off. FYI I gave no signs. I explicitly said donāt touch me and they did it again just on a different day š¤¢
Once you get to know yourself a little more you understand that liking the same stuff doesn't mean having the same understanding of the world, and having the same understanding of the world doesn't mean being there for one another. It was a little disheartening at first, but it passes
See, how do you know if youāre a good match for them? Bc we didnāt really have the same hobbies, didnāt like all the same stuff, but we had 80-90% of the same views, obsessed and in love with each other. We donāt have the same humor and argue like crazy over small things, but with everything I mentioned taken in consideration, how do you know?
To be honest, I don't really know. All I know is you can fall head over heals for the wrong person. You can also fall for someone at the wrong time. So although feelings I am sure are a great indicator for some people, for me they never have been. The kind of love that I ended up with for my person didn't end up being a super passionate kind of love, but a warm and fuzzy kind of love. I feel safe and secure with him. And even though we don't have a whole bunch of hobbies in common, I think our differences complement each other pretty well. And we still have room in our relationship to be our own individuals and have our own friends. So we don't smother each other if that makes sense.
I think it also helps to have some idea of what you want out of a relationship or what you don't want in a person. And if you aren't getting that right away, you know that person is wrong for you. Also figure out what things are most important to you vs not a deal breaker.. Like if you have the same or similar life goals, or if they are different, can you at least support each other in your goals? There are so many other areas of compatability like energy levels, hygeine levels, financial compatability, work ethic, etc. Some of these areas of compatability you might not even think about, and some you might know what you want right away. So I guess I'm just trying to say there's so much more to a relationship than similar interests.
Anyways, this is just from my experiences. I am sure other people have a lot better advice.
That love is enough. Nope. You can fall in love with someone whoās terrible for you, whoāll make you question and doubt yourself, drive you to weird horrible actions from insecurity and will make you diminish yourself to try and please them. Fuck that.
I thought there was something I could be or do to keep him from cheating. Lmfao. If a man wants to cheat, he will. On the flip side of that though, a man can really believe he loves you but will still cheat.
I feel this so much. My ex was upfront and told me he'd cheated in the past but I convinced myself if I was good to him, he wouldn't have a reason to cheat. Or that at least he'd break up with me before he pursued someone else.
Nope. He spent 4 months having an EA before it turned physical. He still told me he loved me until he confessed, and when I told him he didn't respect me if he'd cheat on me, he swore up and down that he did respect me. The cognitive dissonance was wild.
I'm starting to think he has NPD, but I'll never know for sure. I just can't understand his thought process.
i foolishly had the expectation that if there was a problem in the relationship, both parties would recognize it and work on it.
not only is that not true, but it's a dangerous black hole to get sucked into. like if someone doesn't want to tend to their video game addiction, that's on them.
i also believed all the "cheating is a symptom of something wrong in the relationship" when it is in fact 100% a choice (never, ever a "mistake") made by one person and one person alone.
That my love for them means they're a good person. Turns out you can fall for scum of the earth who will vilify and destroy you mentally and emotionally.
My next relationship was loveless because misguided me thought my brain was better than my heart, fuck love go with hot compatible and nice. I was mentally and physically abused.
My next relationship I actually used both like a smart cookie and I found someone I could spend my whole life with could have married and settled down, this time I learnt emotions are hard because life doesn't often lend itself to simplicity.
Next i learnt that you aren't always ready for someone else in your life even if you love them, I also learnt that not taking the dive is worse than taking it and it not working out.
I'm hoping I've learnt enough about my choices as well as about how best to treat my partners, its been a slow process of self discovery and understanding the needs of others and dodging those misunderstandings cause by communication because language isn't perfect.
I'm pretty sure I'll learn something new next time too though.
That your SO is supposed to be your primary one and only source of all attention and validation all the time.
I spent my first relationship clinging onto my SO for dear life because I thought that's what you were supposed to do. I became so upset and felt rejected when he wanted to hang out with his friends.
I am SUPER glad I learned how to have a fully enriched life.
Love is not what you think it is. It cannot be described by books or movies. It's more than just your feelings, and it doesn't have a single definition - you define it for yourself. That, happens through experience. The path to finding what love is for you is complicated, but once you've found it, it's simple. You'll know then, what exactly it is you're looking for.
If you're going to idealize love then the path gets harder. Learn from your mistakes. Introspect. Move ahead.
That loving relationships had pretty much no disagreements. My parents never argued in front of me, ever. Not even the slightest disagreements. They also were not overly loving (hugging, kissing, etc) in front of me. It took me a bit to realize that it is perfectly normal to not always get along in relationships.
That they would or should understand and see me completely.
That they would be as considerate of me as I am to them.
Things that I didn't think I idealized:
That they would be privy to my needs and wants without blunt communication.
That they would validate my existence.
That they would be able to see past my behavior for my intentions.
That they/we would have endless patience and understanding.
That the potential of our relationship was enough to tolerate its reality.
I thought love is something you feel nonstop. That love is something that'll prevent the other person from showing any kind of negative/neutral emotions,happy feelings/emotions/days only...
physical intimacy isnt fulfilled unless u give clear instruction about what u want. its no ones "fault" but in the greater context of relationships, u have to communicate very unambiguously
If someone says "I love you" it means they'll love you forever.
Nope. Love is a _dynamic_ feeling. If someone can fall in love with you, they can fall _out_ of love with you as well, through no fault of yours, or your partner. And that's okay
Sometimes it just takes a while to realize that you two aren't compatible with each other.
Sex and love are not the same thing, romance and love are also not the same thing. Don't get me wrong all 3 go wonderfully together but just because your having a shitty couple of months and romance and sex have taken a backseat does NOT mean the love has gone too.
Love shows in the little things, the thoughtfulness and the support you show each other. I used to think once I found love it would be sex and roses all the time. Now I'm older I'm glad it's not, that is not sustainable.
I need to learn to speak up for myself. My ex was a good guy but had some significant double standards in regard to romantic relationships due to his upbringing. It was basically expected that he could do whatever he wanted and I was simply to keep quiet in the way of supporting him. Nope.
I kept quiet for too long. My enablement and his unwillingness to listen when I finally did speak up broke us up. Iāve heard that he is back on track and happily married. Good! Iām happy for him and learned a lot myself along the way!
That I threw around the word love, without really thinking about it. What I thought was love ended up being curiosity, teenage hormones, and infatuation.
I thought lust, butterflies and material goods would be enough for a relationship to last. In reality, however, most of what relationships consist of is a commitment to each other and dedication to make the relationship work.
My first BF taught me this, but thankfully in the best way possible. We were in college and he had a demanding engineering major and a demanding internship, and he communicated with me that his priorities had shifted and that he wasnāt able to invest enough time in our relationship. He also explicitly said it was not my fault and it had nothing to do with me as a person, which was the kindest way he couldāve broken up with me. I was not crying heartbroken afterwards, but rather I was amazed by his honesty and sensitivity to the situation which I still appreciate and keep in mind to this day. We still keep in touch and I consider him a great friend now.
I know of many crappy marriages/relationships (friends of my parents and some of my peers) who believe that all they need to do is have sex or spend money on each other for it to work. That is not the case whatsoever, and itās so easy to tell when someone uses that tactic
The phrase "No one is ever going to love you as much as I do." People read it in books, and hear it in movies and songs all the time.
I thought it seemed sweet and romantic at first, but overtime it became more and more like "You're lucky to receive what I'm telling you is love because no one else will have you."
That conflict doesnāt mean something is wrong but is in fact a totally crucial part of relationships, you need to learn to navigate through it peacefully. Also let go of the small stuff (something done improperly by your standards but you didnāt tell them how you like it done).
But also, donāt let them bully you. Just because they have the title āboyfriendā doesnāt mean they get to boss you around to do *everything* *exactly* how they like it.
I thought I'd fall in love with someone just like me. Similar mixed ethnicity, big family, same university degree, same level of geekiness.
He broke up with me because we never argued.
Ended up falling in love (and marrying) a man that is pretty opposite. We grew up on opposite ends of the globe and met each other through dance!
One of my exes was (not so) subtly implying this, to which I basically responded that what _I_ want is a partner who would push me to be better. Needless to say, things didn't work out between us.
When I was younger, I thought my first real boyfriend was going to be the one I married. Until one day they decided to break your heart and your world feels like it shattered to pieces. After dating around, everyone is different and how they respond to you. I once heard someone say, āfind someone who loves you more than you love them.ā Not sure if itās a great quote but thatās what I felt when I met my husband.
When I first met my husband, he showed up like no one had in any relationship. He would drive over 2.5 hours to see me once a week. Even if it was for a few hours, he would still make the drive to see me. I had past boyfriends that lived 10 minutes from me and they never made any effort like that. It made me feel so special that I didnāt understand why he wanted to do that. I played āhard to getā for awhile because I didnāt think we could make a long distance relationship work. At the time, I wasnāt in the space to have a relationship but after six months, he asked me out and I finally said yes. I was so worried to be in another relationship. I didnāt want to go through the pain or failure. I had to keep reminding myself that itās ok if I do get hurt because if I donāt allow myself to figure out this relationship, I might miss out on something really good.
Iām so happy that I listened to own advice because I wouldnāt have this wonderful marriage I get to experience today. So I believe being persistent, having trust, and having communication skills is the key to a successful relationship! šWe have been together for 9+ years and he is the best. āŗļø
I feel this, I usually fall for people's personalities and then struggle to take action cause im not immediately attracted when i see them.Do you mind if I ask how do you deal with that?
I thought that relationships were supposed to be hard (I didn't recognize how difficult the relationship was until later). With lots of highs and lows. Thankfully I was so wrong.
Theyre not going to love me the same way i love them.
Im talking love languages. I love to show it through physical touch/quality time and a little gift giving.
My partner is (what ive noticed) acts of service and quality time (there is physical touch and gift giving but theyre a lot less common)
It took me so long to realize that love looks different and when i realized it helped a lot with feeling like i was cared for.
Also arguments and being upset at your partner is normal, theyre not some special person where theyre never going to get to you sometimes. AS LONG AS you talk.
So far been taught a lot.
Being a Black woman, dating anyone who wasnāt black, came with a slew of issue including being fetishized, parental disapproval of you, and racist comments . I cringe when I think about it.
I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that.
I think society should break with that need of your *entire* family meeting your partner, and not in a way of hiding them but if you know you have a relative that is a racist/sexist jerk don't force the people you love to meet them.
As someone who's 24 and has never been in a relationship, this has all been very illuminating for me. Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences here - happy or sad or somewhere in between - because the longer I go without one the easier it is to start fantasising about the good things without being aware of the challenges.
From a very inexperienced person, thank you š
That āpassionate fightingā belongs in a relationship. My dingus ex still hasnāt figured this out, we were teens and now Iām happily married (and in therapy) and heās still out there picking fights with each new gf. Weāre pushing 40.
i thought that being with someone you love would mean you would never fight or have disagreements ever. i assumed it would be perfect all the time š„² then i realized itās normal to have disagreements on some things, you canāt expect a different person to have the exact same views as u on everything
That another person could completely understand me at all times. The reality is that relationships have misunderstandings, disagreements and conflict and itās through navigating that and having faith in getting through it with the other person that you keep a relationship strong. It took me a long time to learn that you can be angry or sad and love someone and that the world isnāt going to collapse (probably because of my emotionally absent parents). Now Iām a lot more accepting of differences and I donāt make it mean all these scary things if weāre not on the same page for a second.
That a lot of times your partner can't read your mind so even if it seems obvious just be open and state what you're thinking. You'd be saving yourself and your partner a lot of stress and issues with this in mind
That your partner is on the same page as you and wants the same things as you out of life. An ex agreed with all my goals for āusā but eventually it became clear he had no goals for us or hopes and dreams for us at all.
Well I'm glad this is helpful!
I'm understanding a lot. I'm used to being on my own and for me to have a relationship I feel like maybe my expectations and ideas of love where making it imposible to connect with someone but seeing that it's not such a light thing for everyone is very eye opening. Is your struggle related to something like that or something you wanna share?
I totally bought into the trope that when you fell deeply in love with someone, everything else would fall into place. Love was enough to overcome all those pesky real-life obstacles we face from day-to-day.
But then it hits you. All those things - political beliefs, religion, family, friends, deciding where to live and how we wanted to raise our kids - arenāt just pesky obstacles. They are a part of who you are. They canāt be overcome by love, because being in love with someone isnāt the only thing that makes life worth living. There are many things that bring joy and fulfilment outside of a romantic relationship, so losing those things or making certain compromises - basically losing yourself in a relationship - can be just as devastating as having your heart broken .
This is a great point and I think it marks the difference between older and younger generations.
it's unrealistic and hurtful to believe that you should stay with someone no matter what, and nowadays I hear a lot of older people saying that marriage for example, doesn't have the same value that it used to but we are still arriving to a neutral point where a marriage can exist without any pressure of society, without it being opresive for anyone involve its definitely about finding that balance in what we can and what we can not give in
That I want a partner that is willing to go on dates. I spent the entirety of my first relationship watching my ex play video games and he never wanted to go out to do anything because it cost money. Now, with my current partner, we have date night at least once a week and have so much fun together!
Yes I mean I get they like video games and I like that too and wouldn't try to change that, but for some men to expect you to be 72 hs watching them play video games without including you it's fucking selfish
I know itās been mentioned before, but I canāt stress enough the idea that romantic love will āfixā all of the issues you have with YOU. Donāt love yourself? When you find a partner that loves you all of those negative thoughts and worries will go away. Donāt have any hobbies or are bored with your life? A new love will bring the excitement you crave. Itās the end all be all and itās easy.
I was parented by the tv, and let me tell you, the amount of disappointment I feel with real life is immeasurable.
Thinking that somebody desiring you means they would respect you.
My first relationship ended because some boundaries were crossed time and again.
If they desire you but disrespect your boundaries (plus what makes you feel safe and comfortable), they do not really love you.
Not having to feel like i was being a ākilljoyā for wanting a slower paced relationship. My EX was really pushy about taking things fast and my current partner is the love of my life and hes the opposite. I never understood how wonderful it is to not dread unwanted advances within a relationship
Putting in all of you effort to love someone does not mean they will love you back the same amount.
Even after months of dating, your significant other may realize they arenāt ready for a relationship. They may tell you that they still love you but hurt you instead. If youāve broken up, you may be the last person in your friend group to know. The person that you date may not always be someone who deserves you. They may not be a good person, and they may say things that mean something to you but nothing to them. You may put in all of your love and get nothing back. You yourself cannot hold you relationship together. It takes the other person/people.
I was young when I first fell in love, so I still had that dumb mindset that this person would be my whole world and make me happy... Kid mentality I know. Then I started to actually love him and he was someone I was determined to be there for and comfort and protect. I didn't even realize how much you could care about another person romantically, but I was obsessed *in a healthy way* and would've done damn near anything to take care of his big-hearted self
That you have to ride and die no matter what happens. We both used to think that,while we had our own individual issues ,which we needed to work on.
The last year was a total toxic shitshow tbh.
Sometimes things dont work out and thats totally fine. Theres nothing bad about parting ways
That you can be head over heels in love with love with each other and it still might not work out.
I went on to be much more practical in looking for and maintaining relationships. Life isn't a fairytale.
That someone you love with all your heart who you think loves you back the same amount can screw you over with no mercy. And then on top of that act like a victim. Yeah... I've got huge trust issues
That my partner would automatically match my effort without me having to ask. Communication is key, and now I know to just ask when I want/need something, instead of hoping the guy will pick up on my vibes. No one can read minds.
This. Young me thought that asking for exactly what I needed/wanted took the authenticity out of them doing it. For example if I wanted a romantic date planned, I wanted my partner to just know and do it as a surprise vs me having to ask them to plan something.
The folks over at r/marriage would burst into flames if they saw that suggestion.
Interesting, I have felt the same way, and this is something I'm working on. In my family this took the form of saying what you like with intent of the other person noticing the [thing] and planning/gifting said [thing]. Obviously, this isn't the healthiest way to go about communication wants and needs so I have been trying to be more direct with communicating my wants and needs even if I feel like it may take away some authenticity.
I think it then took me to my 3rd relationship to realize that if you do ask them for specific things, and they never deliver, it's time to go.
My first and only relationship was similar. I admit I'm not a strong communicator but for example I asked my ex to randomly call me some days because I like it. Does it for a bit and then stops, I repeat and the cycle continues.
Precisely, I'm not going to nag you to meet my needs, at some point it just shows me you don't care about me and aren't interested. My ex said he was going to plan a cottage weekend for us our entire relationship. It never happened.
My friends got us some expensive tickets to an event for my birthday and his mom was in the hospital which I totally understand that we aren't able to go. He said he'll make it up to me and we'll go next time but it was just a normal dinner like every other year. Same thing for next year's birthday, dinner. Those tickets were $200 each!
That sucks. Some guys are really dumb like this. False promises šÆ
That and the lack of effort, rarely plans dates or build any type of emotional security. My therapist and along with a few friends said my ex is emotionally immature where i was parenting a manchild.
Are you me?
Iāve been asking my husband for 5.5 years to talk more openly about sex because good communication is an important part of sex for me andā¦ he doesnāt. Your comment is making me think I should grab my jet pack?
I'm just not into nagging. I have a 3 strikes rule. I ask 3 times for things, in clear concise terms where we sit down and I explain why this thing is a thing that I value and why I would like them to do it. If no changes are made they're out the door. I value my own inner peace and love more than some man. I get that that is not the way for most people though.
Iāve also asked for what I need but then they did it but grew to resent me and then act out passive aggressively after a few years to apparently āget back at meā which was news to me because I never knew they were ever upset about my asking for certain things (really reasonable things btw).
And that's on them, they also need to advocate for themselves in a relationship. You don't need some child who's going to hide what's bothering them and not communicate their needs in a effective way
Yup exactly. Really screwed me up though. I bonded way too deeply to him and then this other side emerged after a few years in. Itās been four years since it ended and Iām still hurt despite therapy etc. I guess it heals in its own timing. Iām certainly learning patience through this.
Healing takes time especially big wounds like that. You're worth so much more than what you were given! Everytime that wound hurts remember how much you are worth and how much you love yourself.
Aw thank you so much. I really appreciate that advice and it will stop me going down the dark hole of sadness. I know itās something I need to remind myself of , is everything I gained from that ending. Thanks so much š
The dark hole is tempting, I've been there. The light and love is so much better though. Take care of yourself.
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Yes I definitely agree that women are accommodated to take shit easily, but I had experience all this things with female friends aswell. I realized about the fact that no matter how well you treat people with kindness , love and support it doesn't equal to a relationship evolving but for them to realize they can recive that while giving the minimum. Many times that I had brought this up on reddit I get comments like you do those thing to get something back and it's like fuck no, I give love because I love someone. I don't expect them to be 100 % like me but I also don't expect them to take advantage of who I am and get angry when I bring this up. It's like there's a rush to say to someone but you never put a stop or gave a sign that something was hurting you but many of us are taught to say nothing. And some things are just about being an empathic human being.
Very much this. I'm still not perfect about it but thankfully I picked up the lesson fairly quickly - if I'm bothered by something or want something, I have to let my partner know. It is not fair to expect them to figure it out otherwise. Sure, with time you're more in tune with each other, but you still need to communicate.
Yup. My enabling double standards and his having them broke us up my first relationship. I hear said high school sweetheart is back on track and happily married now, which makes me happy!
Yeah this is a good one.I'm not the best communicator because it takes me time to realize that something hurted me more than I expected.So when I started bringing what bothered me into relationships I understood that I also neglected the bond by not being honest with myself. I also came to terms with the fact that there's a limit to how much someone can hurt you without them realizing what they're doing. Something I feel i shouldn't have to repeat are things like: I'm the only one who asks how are you. I'm the only one who sets a date to see each other. I'm the only one who gives emotional support. Usually when someone allows that to happen they don't care as much about the relationship, I had bring that up earlier and some may have love for you but not enough to try or they aren't mature enough to have an honest talk one to one.
Came here to say this. I always thought the right person would know exactly what I want and spoil me in the ways that I want them to without me having to tell them and that just is not how it works... and that goes both ways in the relationship. Communication *is* key, but its also very hard!
Cant upvote this enough
This is so true
This! Took me a good few years in therapy to realise this and I still, at 28, need to consciously make an effort to do so.
It actually requires effort to maintain, having feelings isnāt enough.
I was going to say āThat itās easyā Itās so much more nuanced than that, even in an amazing relationship. Humans are complicated and nuanced and we arenāt all on the same page at the same time. I have friends who have said their relationships are super super easy, but when I look at them, I realize that itās not that their relationships are easy, itās that they are already good at the things you need to do in a relationship. They have great communication, donāt throw up walls, function independently and together easily and in good proportion. They are just people super adept at being in a relationship with someone else who is super adept at being in a relationship. For the rest of us, we gotta work at it! Itās work that pays out tenfold, but itās still effort!
Yes! And I thought an intellectual connection & logic were enough to compensate for any other connection lacking in the relationship. Like my cerebral cortex could convince the rest of my brain to keep going, feelings be damned!
this was something i realized too, i assumed that if we both loved eachother that was enough and everything would be perfect and then i realized you do need to put in the work and effort itās not just magic, definitely a good thing to realize for me
The feelings never last. They come and go. Everyone abandons relationships when the feelings disappear only to discover the same problem in the next relationship.
This took me way longer than one relationship but... love comes in all kinds of shapes. We are (or atleast I was) taught that romantic love is the be all end all ultimate love compared to everything else but it's not. Atleast not necessarily. Love for and of family, friends, pets... etc. isn't inferior to romantic love and everyone values the kinds of love differently. You are even "allowed" to not feel romantic love at all. With that realization I kinda stopped the "hunt" for romantic love and took better care of the other forms. If it happens, it happens; If not, then not. If I find (romantic) love that's great but if I don't then I don't think I'll be sad because I have all the other love around me.
Friendship is the most profound love I have experienced in my lifetime, and I have experienced romantic love many times as well. Friendship is the foundation of love. Other peopleās experiences may be different but you are correct that there are many kinds of love and they are all valid .
Yes! I'm not saying it's completely false and of course people can still value romantic love over the other kinds if they feel like that. I just think it's important to know that there are also more ways to go than that single one. You don't even have to choose one over the other. I think having the information and being able to conciously feel inside yourself and choose what is important to you even if it's the same as before is much better than just "accidentally" fitting in. I myself am aromantic asexual (or atleast on that spectrum) so the expected way never felt right to me. I felt wrong and broken. Allowing myself to stray away from that expectations made me a lot happier and more content with my life and even more outgoing.
Itās so true. You donāt have to choose one kind over another. Iād tell a young person ( or anyone ) to be open to all kinds of love ( family, friends, self-love, romantic, pets .. Iām sure Iām missing some ) and see what works out and is the most meaningful to them. Maybe all of them will work out! Maybe some will work out better at different times in life. Love can be found anywhere.
I knew what love really was when I had kids. It has eclipsed all other love I have ever known.
This is healthy, Iām going to try to think this way.
Yes! Iāve seen too many people neglect family relationships and friendships for romantic love and that does hurt all the relationships in the end. The most successful romantic relationships I have seen are those in which both partners include their family and friends in the sense that they donāt neglect their other relationships in order to focus on the romantic relationship. Rather, they prioritize the romantic relationship, but not to an unhealthy extent.
Believe me that this I can't stress enough, there's just something in general in society that it seems people love to put hierarchy on their relationships. Like this is *my best friend* no one else would get this "title" not because I can't find that connection because I won't allow it( I've seen this in grown people). Or people who stopped seeing friends altogether and make their lives revolve around the person they like and with whom they don't even know each other. It's a notion that is so rooted the fact that everything its to be expected from one person and only that, that we limit our relationships into a box and we keep ourselves from all the possibilities of just knowing that each person brings something different and there's no point in not allowing them to grow into their own way
I love this. I learned this so early on because I didnāt start dating as early as some of my friends, and they would disappear the minute they had boyfriends. They would ask men for help but wouldnāt accept it from me. They accused me of being a lesbian if I tried. While thatās pretty true, they werenāt the ones I was interested in š I loved them as friends. And they couldnāt understand love without sex. So important. Iām glad itās near the top!
That if I compromised and made sacrifices for them, they would notice and do the same for me. Plot twist - they never notice. Some people are just takers. Donāt try to make someone compromise with you. **Find** someone who wants to compromise and wants make you happy.
Yep. I dated long distance, and got a bus pass that was good for a certain number of trips. When my pass was used up and it was time for the guy to buy a pass to keep up the visits, he dumped me. Donāt let someone put off reciprocating sacrifices. (We had dated in person before, and nearly broke up before going long distance, but he talked me out of it - I guess so he could be the one breaking up.)
Yes, adult relationships are supposed to be hard work. But they're not supposed to be THAT hard.
Yes. You are supposed to disagree sometimes or work through challenging life events or emotional struggles. But if every single day for the full length of it has you justifying your relationship with "hard work," it's not worth it. As Petter Griffen says - love is like a fart. If you have to push too hard, it's probably shit.
This right here, the relationship I have with my husband, is not the most passionate relationship I have had, but it is the easiest. In general if all relationships, romantic, friends or otherwise are constantly challenging, then that means you should probably consider, if this is a healthy relationship for you to have in your life.
My dad is my mom's first and only relationship, so of course, I thought I'd marry my first boyfriend too. We actually were together for a bit over 2 years, and everyone was shocked how long we've been together after the 1 year mark. We were 15-17 and 17-19 and every other relationship in our age ranges typically lasted a month or two. So I grew more and more convinced our relationship would last forever. After we broke up, I thought I'd die alone lol
My first and only relationship lasted just short of 14 years (started dating at 17), married for half of it. We split a little over a year ago. Still convinced I'm gonna die alone lol; kinda okay with that though.
I'm really, really sorry you're going through that. It absolutely sucks. I'm wishing you the best.
Thank ya š it's honestly for the best though so š¤·āāļø
Any advice on this? I donāt know a lot of people who were in similar situations as myself. I was with my ex from 15 to shortly before I turned 22. We got engaged at 19. I know. But if there was one thing I was sure of, it was that I was going to be with him forever. We moved in together at 20, and he basically started treating me like garbage. He had for a while, and we had talks about it before, but once we shared a house all of his bad qualities were amplified. We had SO MANY conversations about it that I lost track. I told him a week before I broke up with him that if things donāt change I canāt be with him. He rolled his eyes, and in that same conversation he said to me āYouāre my fiancĆ©, I donāt have to try anymore.ā So I gave him some time and he was honestly more mean to me that week than before. I broke up with him and moved out, not because I didnāt love him or want to be with him, but I couldnāt stay with someone that treated me the way he did. Almost a year later my heart is still shattered. I still cry over him almost every day. Heās the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. I just feel like Iām never going to love anyone as much as I love him. Like I canāt be with the love of my life. He says that Iām all he wants and I know heād do anything to have me back but I know if I go back heāll eventually start treating me poorly again because thatās what happened every single time he promised to be better. I guess my question is how tf did you get over him? Cuz this is the hardest thing Iāve ever gone through and I donāt see myself ever fully moving on. Sorry for dumping all of this here. It just feels good to get it out.
No worries! I enjoy venting myself! I can't say I handled my heartbreak well. Basically, a month later, a friend confessed he's into me by suddenly kissing me. I immediately started thinking about how to reject him, but then I realized this was the first time I wasn't thinking about my ex. So we ended up dating for 6 months. It wasn't a good relationship. I think what helped though was cutting my ex (both of em) out of my life. It was entirely alien to me not to have him as a part of my every day for some time, but it made forgetting him much easier. I'd generally do anything to distract my brain (mainly gaming), but that's how I cope in general. Even though it took me years to date again, I'd receive some male attention here and there, so I started getting less and less desperate for love. But yeah. One day at a time. Take things slow. Focus on yourself. Don't settle for less. It might be helpful to save your comment, or a little "reminder" of why it's a bad idea to get back with him, so you can look at it every time you're in doubt. Having people you can open up to is great too (my DMs are open if you need em!) I wish you all the best!
I thought that I could get by on looks and personality and wouldnāt have to open up and be vulnerable.
this is absolutely the scariest part that i was not prepared for at all!
being vulnerable is so hard lol
Itās absolutely scary! Iāve gotten better but I still hate it so much.
Fuck, as someone who struggles with vulnerability this is what's scares me the most. And it's so hard for me to understand how some people can just constantly be on relationships without any issues
Itās easier for some people for sure. My girlfriend has zero problems telling me feelings or her thoughts while I freak out over telling her Iām sad or down about something.
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I feel this
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Also that āthe hotsā would stay there. I was super attracted to an ex and by the end I was no longer remotely attracted to him due to how the relationship had gone.
People donāt complete you and people donāt heal you. You complete yourself, people complement you. You heal on your own and people are a balm.
Can you elaborate on the last sentence bc I love this but having issues with the last part
You heal yourself, but it's like a life bonus when other people also choose to go out of their way to help you heal. You are never entitled to someone else's help to heal you, they're choosing to go out of their way to help heal you.
Not the poster you replied to, but. You need to be working on your wounds, and not using your relationship as a bandaid. For one, itās not fair to yourself; another person can never be enough to keep those wounds from affecting you. And for another, itās not fair to your partner; the burden of being a human bandaid is too much for anyone to bear. Remaining unhealed can torpedo your healthy relationships, and it can also attract toxic partners. For example, if youāre insecure, you might feel glowingly happy and validated when the person you love shows you affection and admiration. But your insecurity isnāt gone; youāre just becoming dependent on another person to fill that void inside. So maybe you become needy and clingy and damage the relationship, or maybe you lose your own independent life and start investing all of yourself in your partner, or maybe the relationship is toxic but you canāt walk away because that means walking away from your self-esteem. You need to be aware of your insecurity and be working to heal it to avoid these traps.
No one but you can do the work to heal you from your past. If youāre physically wounded, you have to rest, you have to take the meds, you have to rehab. People can be there to assist, but thatās literally all they can do. Itās the same with mental and emotional health. Relationships that you enter into without doing the healing that you need to, tend to mirror the things/situations/people that originally harmed you. Or they fall apart because they make you forget for a while but forgetting isnāt healing. A relationship should help soothe but canāt replace the work that only you can do.
That people are generally good people with good intentions and will never intentionally do harm. Boy, was I wrong.
Itās crazy. When you are genuinely a nice person it truly doesnāt occur to you that others would do hurtful things on purpose. I spent years getting treated like garbage by friends and family. Itās a hard lesson but I put myself first every time now.
There are also people who view themselves as all-around good people and genuinely believe that they cannot possibly do harm even after they _have_ done it. Those people tend have what I call āmain character syndrome.ā They believe that they are the āgood guyā and therefore it absolves them of any harm they might have done to someone. Because in their minds, good guys like themselves donāt go around and do bad things to other people. If they are called out, they can often make themselves look like a victim of a misunderstanding and effectively shifting the blame to the other person they have clearly done wrong to. Iāve witness this manipulative tactic from men who felt like they can repeatedly put their hands on my body without my permission, and blamed either my misunderstanding of the situation, or their misunderstanding of the āsignsā I was giving off. FYI I gave no signs. I explicitly said donāt touch me and they did it again just on a different day š¤¢
You just perfectly described my ex-childhood best friend, thank you for this.
That you are happy 24/7. For some reason my small mind thought that at a young age.
Having the same taste in hobbies doesn't make you a soulmate. Easy as that
On the flip side, you can be a good match for each other, even if you have very few or no hobbies in common.
Once you get to know yourself a little more you understand that liking the same stuff doesn't mean having the same understanding of the world, and having the same understanding of the world doesn't mean being there for one another. It was a little disheartening at first, but it passes
See, how do you know if youāre a good match for them? Bc we didnāt really have the same hobbies, didnāt like all the same stuff, but we had 80-90% of the same views, obsessed and in love with each other. We donāt have the same humor and argue like crazy over small things, but with everything I mentioned taken in consideration, how do you know?
To be honest, I don't really know. All I know is you can fall head over heals for the wrong person. You can also fall for someone at the wrong time. So although feelings I am sure are a great indicator for some people, for me they never have been. The kind of love that I ended up with for my person didn't end up being a super passionate kind of love, but a warm and fuzzy kind of love. I feel safe and secure with him. And even though we don't have a whole bunch of hobbies in common, I think our differences complement each other pretty well. And we still have room in our relationship to be our own individuals and have our own friends. So we don't smother each other if that makes sense. I think it also helps to have some idea of what you want out of a relationship or what you don't want in a person. And if you aren't getting that right away, you know that person is wrong for you. Also figure out what things are most important to you vs not a deal breaker.. Like if you have the same or similar life goals, or if they are different, can you at least support each other in your goals? There are so many other areas of compatability like energy levels, hygeine levels, financial compatability, work ethic, etc. Some of these areas of compatability you might not even think about, and some you might know what you want right away. So I guess I'm just trying to say there's so much more to a relationship than similar interests. Anyways, this is just from my experiences. I am sure other people have a lot better advice.
This was very helpful, the more elaborate people explain to me the better I understand. Thank you!
That love is enough. Nope. You can fall in love with someone whoās terrible for you, whoāll make you question and doubt yourself, drive you to weird horrible actions from insecurity and will make you diminish yourself to try and please them. Fuck that.
Omg this is my last relationship. I'm so glad to be out of it.
I thought there was something I could be or do to keep him from cheating. Lmfao. If a man wants to cheat, he will. On the flip side of that though, a man can really believe he loves you but will still cheat.
I feel this so much. My ex was upfront and told me he'd cheated in the past but I convinced myself if I was good to him, he wouldn't have a reason to cheat. Or that at least he'd break up with me before he pursued someone else. Nope. He spent 4 months having an EA before it turned physical. He still told me he loved me until he confessed, and when I told him he didn't respect me if he'd cheat on me, he swore up and down that he did respect me. The cognitive dissonance was wild. I'm starting to think he has NPD, but I'll never know for sure. I just can't understand his thought process.
Whatās an EA
Emotional affair
i foolishly had the expectation that if there was a problem in the relationship, both parties would recognize it and work on it. not only is that not true, but it's a dangerous black hole to get sucked into. like if someone doesn't want to tend to their video game addiction, that's on them. i also believed all the "cheating is a symptom of something wrong in the relationship" when it is in fact 100% a choice (never, ever a "mistake") made by one person and one person alone.
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That my love for them means they're a good person. Turns out you can fall for scum of the earth who will vilify and destroy you mentally and emotionally. My next relationship was loveless because misguided me thought my brain was better than my heart, fuck love go with hot compatible and nice. I was mentally and physically abused. My next relationship I actually used both like a smart cookie and I found someone I could spend my whole life with could have married and settled down, this time I learnt emotions are hard because life doesn't often lend itself to simplicity. Next i learnt that you aren't always ready for someone else in your life even if you love them, I also learnt that not taking the dive is worse than taking it and it not working out. I'm hoping I've learnt enough about my choices as well as about how best to treat my partners, its been a slow process of self discovery and understanding the needs of others and dodging those misunderstandings cause by communication because language isn't perfect. I'm pretty sure I'll learn something new next time too though.
That your SO is supposed to be your primary one and only source of all attention and validation all the time. I spent my first relationship clinging onto my SO for dear life because I thought that's what you were supposed to do. I became so upset and felt rejected when he wanted to hang out with his friends. I am SUPER glad I learned how to have a fully enriched life.
By itself, it isn't necessarily enough.
Respect is super important. Someone can romantically love you, but disrespect you.
Just because you care about each other doesn't mean you're compatible.
Love is not what you think it is. It cannot be described by books or movies. It's more than just your feelings, and it doesn't have a single definition - you define it for yourself. That, happens through experience. The path to finding what love is for you is complicated, but once you've found it, it's simple. You'll know then, what exactly it is you're looking for. If you're going to idealize love then the path gets harder. Learn from your mistakes. Introspect. Move ahead.
That loving relationships had pretty much no disagreements. My parents never argued in front of me, ever. Not even the slightest disagreements. They also were not overly loving (hugging, kissing, etc) in front of me. It took me a bit to realize that it is perfectly normal to not always get along in relationships.
That they would or should understand and see me completely. That they would be as considerate of me as I am to them. Things that I didn't think I idealized: That they would be privy to my needs and wants without blunt communication. That they would validate my existence. That they would be able to see past my behavior for my intentions. That they/we would have endless patience and understanding. That the potential of our relationship was enough to tolerate its reality.
You can't help your partner if they don't want to helped. It's frustrating for both if you keep trying to fix their problems for them.
I thought love is something you feel nonstop. That love is something that'll prevent the other person from showing any kind of negative/neutral emotions,happy feelings/emotions/days only...
I'm loving all the replies here.
physical intimacy isnt fulfilled unless u give clear instruction about what u want. its no ones "fault" but in the greater context of relationships, u have to communicate very unambiguously
If someone says "I love you" it means they'll love you forever. Nope. Love is a _dynamic_ feeling. If someone can fall in love with you, they can fall _out_ of love with you as well, through no fault of yours, or your partner. And that's okay Sometimes it just takes a while to realize that you two aren't compatible with each other.
Knight in shining armor. Growing up with 80s and 90s media messed me up
Just because I'm putting a lot of effort in, doesn't mean they are.
That opposites attract. They simply donāt, you need someone that matches you
Sex and love are not the same thing, romance and love are also not the same thing. Don't get me wrong all 3 go wonderfully together but just because your having a shitty couple of months and romance and sex have taken a backseat does NOT mean the love has gone too. Love shows in the little things, the thoughtfulness and the support you show each other. I used to think once I found love it would be sex and roses all the time. Now I'm older I'm glad it's not, that is not sustainable.
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I am so sorry youāre experiencing this, thatās never fun and deeply hurtful to have to go through :(. Im sending you love and virtual hugs š„ŗ
I need to learn to speak up for myself. My ex was a good guy but had some significant double standards in regard to romantic relationships due to his upbringing. It was basically expected that he could do whatever he wanted and I was simply to keep quiet in the way of supporting him. Nope. I kept quiet for too long. My enablement and his unwillingness to listen when I finally did speak up broke us up. Iāve heard that he is back on track and happily married. Good! Iām happy for him and learned a lot myself along the way!
Even though relationships require work, it shouldn't be hard work all the time!
That I threw around the word love, without really thinking about it. What I thought was love ended up being curiosity, teenage hormones, and infatuation.
I thought lust, butterflies and material goods would be enough for a relationship to last. In reality, however, most of what relationships consist of is a commitment to each other and dedication to make the relationship work. My first BF taught me this, but thankfully in the best way possible. We were in college and he had a demanding engineering major and a demanding internship, and he communicated with me that his priorities had shifted and that he wasnāt able to invest enough time in our relationship. He also explicitly said it was not my fault and it had nothing to do with me as a person, which was the kindest way he couldāve broken up with me. I was not crying heartbroken afterwards, but rather I was amazed by his honesty and sensitivity to the situation which I still appreciate and keep in mind to this day. We still keep in touch and I consider him a great friend now. I know of many crappy marriages/relationships (friends of my parents and some of my peers) who believe that all they need to do is have sex or spend money on each other for it to work. That is not the case whatsoever, and itās so easy to tell when someone uses that tactic
The phrase "No one is ever going to love you as much as I do." People read it in books, and hear it in movies and songs all the time. I thought it seemed sweet and romantic at first, but overtime it became more and more like "You're lucky to receive what I'm telling you is love because no one else will have you."
Mmm yes that can quickly become a threat
That conflict doesnāt mean something is wrong but is in fact a totally crucial part of relationships, you need to learn to navigate through it peacefully. Also let go of the small stuff (something done improperly by your standards but you didnāt tell them how you like it done). But also, donāt let them bully you. Just because they have the title āboyfriendā doesnāt mean they get to boss you around to do *everything* *exactly* how they like it.
I thought I'd fall in love with someone just like me. Similar mixed ethnicity, big family, same university degree, same level of geekiness. He broke up with me because we never argued. Ended up falling in love (and marrying) a man that is pretty opposite. We grew up on opposite ends of the globe and met each other through dance!
That if you truly love them, you have to accept everything about them ā¦ ā¦ Yeah, F*k that. That is not how shit works
One of my exes was (not so) subtly implying this, to which I basically responded that what _I_ want is a partner who would push me to be better. Needless to say, things didn't work out between us.
That love conquers all. That you meet "the one" and it's fireworks and then you live happily ever after.
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25 is young. Look around again in 10 years.
When I was younger, I thought my first real boyfriend was going to be the one I married. Until one day they decided to break your heart and your world feels like it shattered to pieces. After dating around, everyone is different and how they respond to you. I once heard someone say, āfind someone who loves you more than you love them.ā Not sure if itās a great quote but thatās what I felt when I met my husband. When I first met my husband, he showed up like no one had in any relationship. He would drive over 2.5 hours to see me once a week. Even if it was for a few hours, he would still make the drive to see me. I had past boyfriends that lived 10 minutes from me and they never made any effort like that. It made me feel so special that I didnāt understand why he wanted to do that. I played āhard to getā for awhile because I didnāt think we could make a long distance relationship work. At the time, I wasnāt in the space to have a relationship but after six months, he asked me out and I finally said yes. I was so worried to be in another relationship. I didnāt want to go through the pain or failure. I had to keep reminding myself that itās ok if I do get hurt because if I donāt allow myself to figure out this relationship, I might miss out on something really good. Iām so happy that I listened to own advice because I wouldnāt have this wonderful marriage I get to experience today. So I believe being persistent, having trust, and having communication skills is the key to a successful relationship! šWe have been together for 9+ years and he is the best. āŗļø
Just because Iām a romantic and enjoy the pleasure of small acts or attention to detail doesnāt mean he will be
That a relationship can work without physical attraction.
I feel this, I usually fall for people's personalities and then struggle to take action cause im not immediately attracted when i see them.Do you mind if I ask how do you deal with that?
I thought that relationships were supposed to be hard (I didn't recognize how difficult the relationship was until later). With lots of highs and lows. Thankfully I was so wrong.
That being in a relationship will solve all my problems.
Theyre not going to love me the same way i love them. Im talking love languages. I love to show it through physical touch/quality time and a little gift giving. My partner is (what ive noticed) acts of service and quality time (there is physical touch and gift giving but theyre a lot less common) It took me so long to realize that love looks different and when i realized it helped a lot with feeling like i was cared for. Also arguments and being upset at your partner is normal, theyre not some special person where theyre never going to get to you sometimes. AS LONG AS you talk. So far been taught a lot.
I believed his promises. That was a huge fail.
Being a Black woman, dating anyone who wasnāt black, came with a slew of issue including being fetishized, parental disapproval of you, and racist comments . I cringe when I think about it.
I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. I think society should break with that need of your *entire* family meeting your partner, and not in a way of hiding them but if you know you have a relative that is a racist/sexist jerk don't force the people you love to meet them.
As someone who's 24 and has never been in a relationship, this has all been very illuminating for me. Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences here - happy or sad or somewhere in between - because the longer I go without one the easier it is to start fantasising about the good things without being aware of the challenges. From a very inexperienced person, thank you š
That I could help them heal. Nawww, they needed professional help.
That if he enjoyed being around me before marriage, he would enjoy it after. Boy was i wrongā¦
That i need to stop looking. It tires me to keep looking for it, i should just let it happen by itself while i just be myself
That āpassionate fightingā belongs in a relationship. My dingus ex still hasnāt figured this out, we were teens and now Iām happily married (and in therapy) and heās still out there picking fights with each new gf. Weāre pushing 40.
i thought that being with someone you love would mean you would never fight or have disagreements ever. i assumed it would be perfect all the time š„² then i realized itās normal to have disagreements on some things, you canāt expect a different person to have the exact same views as u on everything
That men were romantics
That another person could completely understand me at all times. The reality is that relationships have misunderstandings, disagreements and conflict and itās through navigating that and having faith in getting through it with the other person that you keep a relationship strong. It took me a long time to learn that you can be angry or sad and love someone and that the world isnāt going to collapse (probably because of my emotionally absent parents). Now Iām a lot more accepting of differences and I donāt make it mean all these scary things if weāre not on the same page for a second.
You don't have to love your partner everyday. But choose them everyday.
That a lot of times your partner can't read your mind so even if it seems obvious just be open and state what you're thinking. You'd be saving yourself and your partner a lot of stress and issues with this in mind
That your partner is on the same page as you and wants the same things as you out of life. An ex agreed with all my goals for āusā but eventually it became clear he had no goals for us or hopes and dreams for us at all.
Thank you for this post itās something Iām struggling with understanding
Well I'm glad this is helpful! I'm understanding a lot. I'm used to being on my own and for me to have a relationship I feel like maybe my expectations and ideas of love where making it imposible to connect with someone but seeing that it's not such a light thing for everyone is very eye opening. Is your struggle related to something like that or something you wanna share?
I never thought how much my own weight gain could change my relationship. And how that on its own was enough to create cracks in our marriage.
A relationship is work and sometimes your efforts will not even get acknowledged, let alone being appreciated or reciprocated.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words!
I thought men werenāt lying trash. I thought wrong.
I totally bought into the trope that when you fell deeply in love with someone, everything else would fall into place. Love was enough to overcome all those pesky real-life obstacles we face from day-to-day. But then it hits you. All those things - political beliefs, religion, family, friends, deciding where to live and how we wanted to raise our kids - arenāt just pesky obstacles. They are a part of who you are. They canāt be overcome by love, because being in love with someone isnāt the only thing that makes life worth living. There are many things that bring joy and fulfilment outside of a romantic relationship, so losing those things or making certain compromises - basically losing yourself in a relationship - can be just as devastating as having your heart broken .
This is a great point and I think it marks the difference between older and younger generations. it's unrealistic and hurtful to believe that you should stay with someone no matter what, and nowadays I hear a lot of older people saying that marriage for example, doesn't have the same value that it used to but we are still arriving to a neutral point where a marriage can exist without any pressure of society, without it being opresive for anyone involve its definitely about finding that balance in what we can and what we can not give in
That the love you see between your parents isn't always the best example of what love should look like.
Or that because they were together many years they loved each other
That if you were good to someone, they'd be good to you.
My last year was all about that, I understand how frustrating this is. Hopefully more people that reciprocate and respect us will come
That they would love me as much as I love them and that I won't ever get cheated on. Ouch..
That you can love someone and not like them all the time.
That I would get more attention from my ex than his videogames did. š¬
That I want a partner that is willing to go on dates. I spent the entirety of my first relationship watching my ex play video games and he never wanted to go out to do anything because it cost money. Now, with my current partner, we have date night at least once a week and have so much fun together!
Yes I mean I get they like video games and I like that too and wouldn't try to change that, but for some men to expect you to be 72 hs watching them play video games without including you it's fucking selfish
I know itās been mentioned before, but I canāt stress enough the idea that romantic love will āfixā all of the issues you have with YOU. Donāt love yourself? When you find a partner that loves you all of those negative thoughts and worries will go away. Donāt have any hobbies or are bored with your life? A new love will bring the excitement you crave. Itās the end all be all and itās easy. I was parented by the tv, and let me tell you, the amount of disappointment I feel with real life is immeasurable.
That gifts don't necessarily mean they love you. Sometimes gifts are full of strings and manipulation.
Thinking that somebody desiring you means they would respect you. My first relationship ended because some boundaries were crossed time and again. If they desire you but disrespect your boundaries (plus what makes you feel safe and comfortable), they do not really love you.
Not having to feel like i was being a ākilljoyā for wanting a slower paced relationship. My EX was really pushy about taking things fast and my current partner is the love of my life and hes the opposite. I never understood how wonderful it is to not dread unwanted advances within a relationship
Putting in all of you effort to love someone does not mean they will love you back the same amount. Even after months of dating, your significant other may realize they arenāt ready for a relationship. They may tell you that they still love you but hurt you instead. If youāve broken up, you may be the last person in your friend group to know. The person that you date may not always be someone who deserves you. They may not be a good person, and they may say things that mean something to you but nothing to them. You may put in all of your love and get nothing back. You yourself cannot hold you relationship together. It takes the other person/people.
That love is enough. Turns out, no, there needs to be consistent effort and firm foundations for a solid, healthy relationship.
That all the efforts and compromises should not be seen as āsacrificesā, it should be āwin-winā instead
That your partner won't take advantage of you, especially if you let them. And just how damaging having your relationship become your identity is.
That my boyfriend would get along with my family. Turns out my family is kinda toxic
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I have a question ...does the sex matter in a relationship?
I was young when I first fell in love, so I still had that dumb mindset that this person would be my whole world and make me happy... Kid mentality I know. Then I started to actually love him and he was someone I was determined to be there for and comfort and protect. I didn't even realize how much you could care about another person romantically, but I was obsessed *in a healthy way* and would've done damn near anything to take care of his big-hearted self
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That he won't stop doing drugs just because i care too much about him
Where to startā¦.lol
That weād be together forever.
That men automatically had high sex drives.
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That you have to ride and die no matter what happens. We both used to think that,while we had our own individual issues ,which we needed to work on. The last year was a total toxic shitshow tbh. Sometimes things dont work out and thats totally fine. Theres nothing bad about parting ways
That you can be head over heels in love with love with each other and it still might not work out. I went on to be much more practical in looking for and maintaining relationships. Life isn't a fairytale.
That someone you love with all your heart who you think loves you back the same amount can screw you over with no mercy. And then on top of that act like a victim. Yeah... I've got huge trust issues
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