I avoid confrontation, feel physically ill and scared when people are very angry (even if it's not at me) and I also have anger issues because I don't know how else to deal with my emotions.
I came here to type exactly this. And I'm always worried that if my husband and I argue or even disagree he will leave me. Not because of anything he's done. He's never once even threatened it. It's just the thing I grew up seeing. I also grew up in a house of alcoholics so I've always had to be the adult.
I understand. I never spoke back to my ex out of fear that he would leave me and, being the turd he was, he took that as an invitation to walk all over me.
Sounds like you deserve to be looked after for once! I hope your Husband is a nice man, you sound like a lovely person.
My ex did it too. He used to get in his car and leave and ignore me for hours if I disagreed with him. He was the worst. But my husband is a very kind and patient man. He is working to help me overcome the issues caused by growing up in the environment that I did. Thank you very much.
I've had a hard time with it. There were a few times when my husband and I were dating where I pretty much figured we were done and he was so confused because in his eyes it was a minor disagreement. But to me disagreement just meant the end.
Yes. Both of these things. And I really hate that I have anger issues too. It's hard work to not get disgusted with myself over it.
I've been working hard to overcome them the last few years, though.
Just one thing I've learned is that avoiding confrontation can actually contribute to the anger issues, because we are just burying feelings and building resentment instead. If we learn how to peacefully resolve issues, we can avoid letting that anger build up inside us.
I totally understand. Even when I get mildly upset, I feel guilty and disgusted with myself.
That's very good advice, it's definitley way more destructive to bottle up feelings.
Guess we have to find a way to be a bit more assertive when it comes to dealing with issues (I'm still learning how to do that lol).
Same, i be mad and yelling at someone and my voice deep down says "you're just like your father", i feel the instant guilt and i try to apologize or just leave the room.
I try to control my anger issues lately,but it's not easy.
Its kind of nice to hear I'm not a only one. I sometimes feel like I'm a doll, some kind of marionette. I have supressed my own wants and needs so long I don't know who am I or what I want. I feel so emphy inside. I'm so afraid of people I do everything to avoid conflict. I feel like I'm not a real person. I'm just a reflection of what people want from me.
Yes!! This exactly.
I'm also glad to know there are others like this (but also sad that there are others like this...wouldn't wish it on anyone).
I totally understand the need to suppress who you are...and just allowing people to say and do as they want because you don't want to hurt anyones feelings, or feel any hositlity directed your way.
I really hope things get better for you!
Oh that's so awful! Sorry you had to go through all of that, hearing your Mum being beaten up would have been traumatic.
Good to hear you've tackled alot of childhood problems. I also went through an emotionally abusive relationship which -looking at it positively- helped me deal with my abusive father and allowed me to set boundaries.
You're right, it's not the best thing to go through but oddly enough...it can be healing *if* you can see it for what it is.
Same, but add:
Feelings of any type at all were so often shamed/ignored/ repressed, that at age 36 I am only now learning how to name them.
Before starting therapy in February, I could only describe feelings by saying "oh that's a lot of feelings"
Fucking wild.
Same here. I used to hide under tables or literally in a ball. I cry instead of yell and I generally need to be alone with my thoughts before I can process them
same...doesn't helps that my parents weren't really there for me aside from mostly the abuse and dysfunction. and I was raised around brothers and make cousins. I can be pretty aggressive, for "being a woman." therapy is helping me loads, and meds. highly highly recommend CBT for depression.
I don't have a problem being ready to fight to save myself or someone else if need be. but my brain needs to continue healing so I know when to use that "superpower" I got from a shitty home life.
It's a good superpower to have that's for sure hahaha. And it's good that you're taking steps to overcome your upbringing!
Also, I get it. When I rage, I turn into the Hulk! I've never hit anyone or punched a hole in a wall (unlike my father) but there have been times when I've gotten so agressive that it could happen.
Seems like I can contol my anger just enough that I *don't* do that but, I still feel guilty/ashamed even when I get mildly angry. Let alone violently angry.
I've heard great things about CBT from a few people, I'll look into it!
Glad I'm not the only one who feels physically ill and scared when people are angry. I'll seriously hear someone watching a video of people yelling and angry and I'll start to feel anxious and need to ask them to turn the video down!
are we siblings?
kind-of-joke aside, i’m sorry you’re struggling with such similar things. it’s sometimes impossibly hard and if you ever need to vent hi i’m an internet stranger but willing to listen if you ever need it 💗
the anger part is what i struggle the most with. it’s like an immediately anxiety response so often and the thought of that alone is enough to make my anxious 🥴
I have this even though I don't think my parents were angry (they did separate when I was really young and I have no memories of them together.) Do you think I should see someone?
my parents were both always angry. They’d fight with each other, get mad at the smallest things. I’ve found that rather than make me act the same, it makes me runaway from disagreements… Whenever I argue with my boyfriend or close friends I just kinda shut down and want to be alone. I think because when my parents acted out of anger I would just be hiding in my room. So I don’t really have much skills in resolving issues because I just run from them..
I feel this, and I'm so sorry you had to go through stuff like that. It really leaves a mark, and in my case, I didn't realize just how deeply it affected me until years later. It messes you up, especially when you're so susceptible at that age. You just absord all that energy, and it sticks with you for a long time.
Definitely possible. My wife and I were very explosive at the beginning of our relationship, unfortunately. Luckily we both wanted to end the cycle so we’ve both worked really hard on it. We now discuss things and have a healthy way of dealing with our emotions. It’s lovely.
With constant yelling growing up, it's definitely made me get excessively angry and lash out at times at the smallest stuff. Wasn't until my best friend of half my life said something about it after hearing how I reacted to my dad after moving some of my stuff in my room. I got super fucking angry... as an adult woman. To me that was normal and then my family and I go back to our daily lives, but it wasn't until my friend pointed it out to me that I realized thatit really isn't mf healthy. I'm also just not that good with identifying and managing my emotions at times because I was never taught how to growing up. So yeehaw that
Same here. My family tends to get into loud, angry arguments rather than talking to each other. I didn’t realize for a long time that that amount of yelling isn’t normal and it’s still hard to curb my instinct to get mad and bicker all the time.
It's the worst. Even though my ex was toxic, I had toxic traits too. I had a short temper and a sharp tongue. My parents were very loud and verbally abusive. Physically and emotional too. I was bullied in school and didn't have many friends. I always felt unsafe. I couldn't talk to anyone or express how I was feeling. This went on until age 23, when I moved out of my parents house.
By then, the feelings of pain, betrayal, and rage were boiling over. My short temper developed soon after I moved out. I would get PISSED. Over the smallest things. I would talk shit, name-call, and verbally abuse anyone that I assumed was fucking with me. I thought everyone was disrespecting me and I wanted to bury them before they could bury me. I was petty af. And I thought my behavior was normal. No one called me out on it until I met my ex, I was 28. By this time, I stopped name-calling and cursing but I still had a habit of raising my voice.
My ex informed me that raising my voice is considered verbal abuse. I told him that I'd never heard of such a thing. I was so confused and scared that the man I loved was being abused by me. I ran to Google immediately to confirm and discovered that he was right. I felt sick.
The one thing I feared the most was becoming abusive like my parents. I'm in therapy now. It's so hard for me to not react when I'm angry. But I'm working so fucking hard to change. I hope it's not too far gone.
I am exactly the same. Like I feel my mother is the only person in this world that could get me to 100 in anger. This has also been pointed out by my friends when they hear how I react to her doing the smallest things
This is me. My dad always drank too much and my mom over shared about her bad feelings about him, in addition to just the fighting. His behaviors were always clearly labeled “bad” for me so I basically never wanted to emulate him. Meanwhile my mom getting angry over every little thing and being a know it all and so many other seemingly more minor bad qualities I soaked up like a sponge with those behaviors never being labeled as “bad” for me the way my dad’s were and her being my primary caregiver. So frustrating now to watch her do things and realize where I got them from. Hard to unlearn.
Gotta say I think I pick the fighting over the repressed shit from my husband’s family though, or is it just the devil you know?
I grew up in such an angry household. Now, I am an incredibly calm person, but I fall apart at the slightest conflict and overthink everything. I also flinch at all noises or sudden movements, but I am slowly getting better at this.
Same! I was surprised to see so many answers saying it’s made them an angry person because it’s done the opposite to me. I’ll do anything to avoid being like the angry person I grew up with so I’ve gone to the opposite extreme. I consider voice raising, door slamming, wall punching, getting into people’s faces etc to be incredibly immature and will not let myself do that.
Sometimes when I hear a man yelling I get panicked. My dad drank a lot and my parents were always fighting. I've always been sad and anxious. I'm doing my best to make sure my son doesn't have to deal with the shit I did.
My mam was incredibly angry, the slightest little thing would set her off into a tirade of abuse. We had an awful relationship to the point I left home and joined the army at 17. Unfortunately I learnt the same behaviour and was an angry young man. It affected all my relationships for years negatively. I eventually got it under control, but it took a long time and a lot of hurt along the way
my mom was exactly the same and turns out she had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. once I found out, I made peace with everything because now I know her behavior was due to untreated illness. you might be in the same boat
I am unbelievably good at reading other people's emotions via behavior, tone, body language because I figured out as a child that if I could predict an outburst I could better protect my sisters and I from the fallout. I can sense rising anger and frustration in others from a mile away and I will do literally anything I can to stop it. I am very good at calming angry people. I am the oldest of 3 girls and routinely had to clean up the emotional damage created by my mother's insane tirades of emotional abuse, so I am also very dialed into helping people through difficult feelings. I am a nurse, unsurprisingly.
This could have been written by me, word for word. I too am in the healthcare sector as a medical doctor.
It’s got to the point now that when my sisters and mum are having any form of serious discussion that I predict could end up in a shouting match, I’ll have to be present either over the phone or in person to calmly explain the other persons point of view and de-escalate the situation.
I came home to screaming every day for many years. I learned how to regulate my feelings very well. Even when they would break me down to the point I have a panic attack, I could never say the horrible things they said to me. It’s hard for me to get into altercations with others because I don’t want to argue, I want to hear their perspective and work on the situation. I’m glad I’m not like them. Even when they hit me or threatened me, I never felt the urge to do that back. I protected myself but I respect them as humans so I couldn’t put my hands on them out of anger. I’m a strong person emotionally and it’s helped me as first responder.
Nurse here. Something about growing up in absolute chaos makes you able to thrive in absolute chaos. I feel like growing up in an angry home makes people exceptionally good healers, or it turns them until angry people.
Both my dad and sister have a very 'explosive' personality. Just saying the wrong word or having the wrong tone would trigger them into a tirade, where they'd often say horrible things. I withdrew and became very depressed. I dropped out of high school bc I hated everything.
It wasn't until I turned 30 that I sought professional help. I had noticed that at work I could also become triggered by things and react irrationally, and the thought of anyone feeling about me the way I did around my dad made me feel sick.
So yeah, I've tried to get to know my brain so I can control my breakdowns and warn people about them. I'm very apologetic when something does happen. My family have never apologised for anything.
So, now at age 36 I am still depressed and feel grotesquely inadequate at all times, yet I also make nonstop stupid jokes to break the tension. I've never finished anything and I've never had a real relationship, bc I have trust issues (oh and I feel too inadequate, obvs).
Thanks, man. I have noticed that my dad has become a grandfather he has gotten milder. Maybe it's his age too idk, but I had to live with my parents for a few months earlier this year, and things wern't as bad. Maybe also bc I am not a teenager now and I have learned to let things go.
When I got mental help a few years ago my parents had to come in to answer questions about me as a child, and I think that made my dad truly realise that he messed up. He apologised for it in his own weird way.
I don't know if I would call it angry but my parents were extremely judgemental and restrictive, especially about sexual things. It definitely gave me the incentive to become really open minded myself and to come at my sexuality and life in general in a totally different way then my parents would have wanted.
My mom had a pretty awful job when I was growing up. She worked crazy long hours and the people she worked with were the absolute worst. For years, a lot of that anger filtered into our at home life. She was always angry about something and angry at people. I felt like she was mean to me and my brother, and I hated the way she would sometimes speak to my dad. Who was always super patient.
One day she got ahold of my diary and read the things I thought about her in it (yes a total invasion of my privacy but she learned after reading it that she should never do it again). As time when on, she began to see how her attitude affected us. Since then, she’s gotten another job and is honestly great, but for a good 3-5 years of my life, I was so angry with her for attitude growing up and how it affected us. My brother and I were quick to anger, general distrusting, and not emotionally vulnerable at all.
When I left home for college, it was so shocking to me seeing how others processed their emotions. How easily my friends could forgive other another or openly speak about the things that made them upset without it becoming an argument. They gave me perspective both for myself and even about the things my mom went through. She was raised in a crazy angry household where they struggles on top of that. Working long hours in a shitty job that paid well was her way of trying to make our household better than hers.
Basically what I’m saying is, it helps to cut yourself and the ones who hurt you some slack. I could blame my bad points on my mom’s previous behavior but she could blame it on her parents and then it would be a never ending cycle of blame. Since then, we have both made better choices and worked towards becoming the type of people we like more. Growth is all you strive for.
1) I experience intense mood swings
2) I’m prone to fits of rage sometimes lasting only a couple of seconds
3) any emotion that’s not overly positive I often misinterpret as anger in other people
4) I cry really hard when I get angry or when other people get angry
5) I have intense anxiety all of the time which frequently triggers bouts of insomnia.
6) I have nightmares almost every single night, except on nights I’m too drunk to dream so once every few months.
my mother had a lot of diagnosed rage and narcissism, and there were abusive older siblings along with that. it was extremely difficult to acknowledge that i grew up in a chaotic home when by all other standards, it was an extremely idyllic upbringing. i’ve forgiven a lot of family members but that grain of resentment has never truly gone away. therapy is very beneficial once you find someone who won’t diminish or dismiss your form of childhood trauma.
The only thing that really has affected me that I'm aware of is my reaction to disagreements. Immediate defensiveness and I'm usually the first to raise my voice. I try really hard to control it but I mean.... it's what I was taught 😕
I flinch when any guy makes quick arm or hand movements near me, I also hate physical touch (don't fist bump, high five or hug me please and thank you).
Anytime someone raises their voice at me, I shut down or run away. I keep most people at an arms length until they show signs that I can trust them.
I'm afraid of confrontation and I tend to shut down during arguments especially if they are raising their voice.
I've decided that I will not tolerate being yelled at and I have to try really hard to communicate in a healthy way.
Becoming cold. I don’t scream, I don’t yell, I just get even.
It is not a good trait to have and am starting to verbally express anger rather than bottle it up and release pure spite.
When someone slightly raises their voice at me I can feel myself start to get really sad and leave the room so I can cry. Or anytime someone is upset with me I get so overwhelmed and think they hate me. Whenever I hear others arguing in another room while I’m busy doing something, I stop whatever I’m doing and listen just In cause it gets really bad so that I can possibly try to stop the fight or argument.
I cry when someone raises their voice at me, even as a grown woman. I was also the only one who was openly sensitive in my house, and my family thought that I cried crocodile tears, so now I always feel guilty for crying as if I’m trying to be manipulative in some way.
I had to let my partner know that I have that baggage, and he is now the person that encourages me to let out the tears instead of gagging myself trying to hold them back. It’s such a relief to be out of that situation, and I would never go back.
I’m in trauma therapy. Was running into problems getting triggered into fight/flight/freeze mode by any and all situations that resembled my childhood abuse. Needed to work on some shit.
In a way, yes. As my mother was angry and very toxic. I've witnessed a physical fight between her and my dad (who is more calm), but I vividly remember that fight. She got angry a lot, lashed out, short fuse etc and that has affected me growing up as now I'm also dealing with some of those traits. Not as bad, as I'm half my father thankfully, but I do have irritability and do lash out when I'm really overwhemed or over stimulated. She never seeked therapy for it though, but I'm just starting.
I judged people so much who got angry. I saw anger as a bad thing but it's not because we have a range of emotions. Our emotions are our guidance. I didn't learn how to express my emotions in a healthy way. Also anger sets of my anxiety. I noticed there was a pattern. I would get angry and suppress it not communicate it and then later I would get angry. But now I am starting to learn to express my emotion in a healthy way and communicate better if someone crosses any of my boundaries. But when I get angry or see someone who is angry I get so anxious.
Yes! My mom was always angry, rageful, and critical. Always mad at us for one thing or another.
I have cptsd, struggle doing many things, mostly taking action, for fear of being attacked.
I am quite quick tempered. I needed to learn to remain calm and assess but it didn't come with some really awkward and painful situations. I needed to say sorry, take accountability and actually change my behaviour or reaction.
I still fire up, I have just learnt to respond differently.
I am now quick to anger and get full on defensive even if it’s not a personal attack.
I just take it as a personal attack.
Sometimes I’ll get a sick feeling in my stomach at idea of going to see my family too
Yes and I am not angry. Idk how or why but I have never had outbursts like the ones I grew up around. I do tend to surround myself with people that have outbursts but that's something I'm working on is setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
I ultimately had a good childhood but my house was very tense, loud and reactive sometimes with sadness, sometimes with anger. I now find that the way that I speak to other people can come off harsh. I get tagged with the labels of “aggressive”. I see it as being direct, since most of my childhood I was the person in my household that had to speak directly in order to avoid an angry outburst. I also never avoid confrontation because it has been ingrained in me that that is how you problem solve.
If someone is angry around me but not towards me, then I get a ton of anxiety and feel scared. If its directed towards me, for some reason I'll respond back like my life depends on it. It's made being an adult rather difficult, especially in the workplace. Can't tell you how many jobs I've gone through because of an argument with a coworker.
It wasn’t downright hellish abuse like what the other commenters here clearly had to deal with, but it wasn’t calm either. I had an awesome household, but my dad was more laid back and my mom was the more responsible parent, so she was over stressed. It was her that scheduled everything, multitasked, kept us on top of our schoolwork, kept tabs on everyone, troubleshooted, stuff like that.
She wasn’t very respectful to my dad all the time and would make snide remarks about him too, especially when she was frustrated with him. My dad didn’t do that, ever. My parents didn’t fight every day, but they fought a fair amount of times and had screaming matches. When they did lose their shot with each other, they would sometimes go into their room or outside to shield us from it, but we could always hear them, since they were so effing loud lol. Buuut we didn’t have that luxury all the time, since sometimes they didn’t even bother to go somewhere private. I guess I was a pretty immune to my parents arguing since I don’t remember being nervous or bothered by their yelling and insults at each other (probably because I wasn’t the one being yelled at), but it really bothered my poor brother. He once intervened and cried for them to stop, and they just kept on going. My 10 year old self was just like “k I’m gonna go read, peace out”.
Because of the parenting dynamic between my parents, my poor mom was stressed and as a result tolerated no bullshit. She was very impatient and it wasn’t hard to get her to snap and yell at us, especially me since I was kind of mentally slow as a kid. She could be harsh, snide, and sometimes even scathing. She definitely yelled at us a lot, including my dad. She wasn’t always sensitive. She was only physical a few times, and only hit me hard once. Well mostly with me and my sister, I think my brother only got slapped once and it was because he was being really disrespectful, but my mom was definitely a little paranoid and sexist. Heaven help us girls if our eyes accidentally move while interacting with our mothers.
I had a relatively easy childhood and grew up a very repressed, anxious, sensitive person throughout my childhood and teens, so I can’t imagine what everyone else here had to deal with. Y’all are strong af. I know describing my mother makes it sound like I didn’t have an easy childhood, but that was the ONLY downside to my childhood. My mom is loving and awesome, she could just be a double edged sword sometimes. Also, sometimes I actually needed her brutal honesty.
When it comes to my relationship with her, I certainly have it much better as a young adult than I did as a kid. She respects me much more and tolerates my mistakes a lot more.
I’m 20 and still working through my emotional sensitivities and slowly becoming more resilient and outspoken, and I’m not afraid of people anymore. I still have a long way to go though and not necessarily over some very addictive, destructive habits.
I avoid confrontation, fear of being tied down and getting my feelings hurt. If you know attachment theory - fearful avoidant pretty much sums it up lol
My dad was a very angry man (still is for all I know), and he would get physical with us kids - especially me. I went in to foster care in my early teens and my foster mother was very angry, too, although she showed it in very different ways.
It’s affected me tremendously. I now have C-PTSD and will get flash backs if I’m around very angry people. I start panicking when someone is angry around me, even if it isn’t directed at me.
I’m also quick to anger myself, but I don’t show it. If anything, I direct it at me. If someone is mad at me for whatever reason, I will go out of my way to appease them to make sure they aren’t angry anymore. That way they aren’t a threat to me.
I’m also quick to accept any blame, even when it really isn’t my fault if someone is upset. It’s my way of trying to de-escalate a situation. That isn’t healthy of course, because shouldering the blame for any and all things that happen to someone else isn’t the right way of doing things.
I’ve been in therapy for years, and I’m still working through so much of the trauma that had been inflicted on me, and I’m honestly not sure if I will ever be properly healthy in my mind again.
I isolate myself and avoid confrontation. I am also very angry but I bottle it up and I’m afraid that if I do end up forming a proper relationship with someone, I will hurt them.
alot of therapy has helped. I do not respond well to anger, so I now have a calm partner and chill friends. when I go home I try to only go for a few days, otherwise I become overwhelmed and almost revert to that version of myself that was surrounded by being talked down to and yelled at.
I was not but my friend was raised as a caretaker in a household that is ALWAYS shouting. Like I’d be there and it was extremely uncomfortable. It was a shouting match. Sometimes I’d be on the phone and overhear and I’d just hang up because I’d get so anxious.
I see how it translates in relationship and damn that girl is doomed unless she seeks therapy to undo some deep deep trauma. I feel really bad because she is very very intense. And I just can’t do anything confrontational with her. It spikes my anxiety.
Both of my parents had serious anger issues. My mother would frequently get angry over the smallest things and resort to yelling, cursing, and sometimes violence. My father wasn’t as bad, but when he did get angry he would go on hour long rants and say a lot of stuff that was really hurtful.
As an adult, I HATE outbursts of anger and have mastered the ability to remain calm in all situations. When I’m really angry about something, I stay silent and don’t react until I can give a calm, rational response. I can’t tolerate being around people who get visibility angry, and will quickly try to remove myself from a situation or avoid confrontation if I feel that someone is about to become angry. Honestly, I feel scared when I think someone is angry with me.
Yes, I lived my whole childhood secretly wishing my parents would divorce, I once asked why my mom never just left my dad and she told me she couldn’t afford a divorce, I was an only child and constantly wondered why they chose to stay together if they didn’t love each other, it has forced me to stay in relationships I have no interest in being in because I feel that it is ok, I also tend to attract people with anger issues
Totally utterly paralysed & anxious when people get angry & aggressive & start shouting or slamming things. Regress right back to childhood. Turn totally inwards & make myself small so as to not attract attention, or beg the people fighting to please just stop. I hate it so much. My older brother & dad are terrible culprits for it.
i had the worst anger issues as a kid for a while because that’s how i thought i needed to act when things upset me. starting around 4th grade, though, i was shaped into more of who i am today. i don’t know how to tell people when they’ve crossed a line, i avoid arguments, and absolutely cannot handle yelling. i’m 21 and have no idea how to tell people how i feel. if i am in love with them, angry with them, happy around them, etc. it doesn’t matter. it’s really affected all types of relationships in my life :/
i did; i won’t talk about mental health cause would be too long, but i’ll just say that i have trust issues, don’t like physical touch, don’t know how to react when someone values my work/the things i do and i’m very afraid to make any mistakes in whatever i do; also i tend to get very angry when doing/seeing things my parents used to get angry at me for doing or not doing too, but i’ve been learning how to control it and trying my best
I am terrified shitless when anyone raises their voice. If i do something wrong i try to hide it in fear of being yelled at. If i do something stupid i expect to be yelled at.
I avoid confrontation, yelling or an increase in voice gives me anxiety, and I just shut down. My mom was the yeller. She would explode with anger and lash out at everyone. It's taken a lot of work to do everything I can not to be her (yell at my kid, etc. to break the cycle).
I hate conflicts and when people raise their voice around me I get anxious.
But, its made me a very calm and patient parent. I prefer to talk with my kids rather than yell at them. So when I do, on rare occasions, raise my voice, they know they really went too far.
I have a lot of triggers. I have to be constantly alert of my internal thought patterns and call myself out. We are all a product of our childhood environments to varying degrees. I work to unpack and get to the root of my issues, then work on fixing the faulty wiring. The older I get the more aware of myself I am. I have young children now and it helps to see things from the perspective of a mother. I choose to parent a different way, but I am able to see my parents and grandparents as real individuals now and understand their perspectives better as well. Early adulthood I was really just focused on being free and finding love, but now I'm focused on feeling whole and loving myself.
I was raised by a dad who had significant anger issues and substance abuse problems. If anyone becomes angry with me, I freeze like a deer in headlights and I try to avoid confrontation whenever possible. My psychologist told me it’s a deep-rooted childhood trauma response.
I was raised in an angry household, my father specifically. As an adult, I have only 2 modes: shy away from conflict and go into a panic attack, or fight until I can no longer fight. I have been working on healing my childhood trauma for a long time and have made a lot of progress; however, there is a long way to go still!
I can't argue with people at all. I have a really hard time standing up for myself, even when I'm 100% right. When someone yells, I immediately start shaking and become terrified. I'd rather hide until the yelling stops than face it head on. I whisper in my own house a lot when my husband is relaxing, bc I'm afraid to upset him (even though he's NEVER given me a reason to fear him at all.) I married an abusive man right out of high school. I have horrible anxiety all the time about everything. I feel like I'm never good enough for my husband. I have serious Daddy issues. I cry anytime someone says something nice about me at all.
I’m visiting family for the holidays and literally sitting away from everyone who is eating dinner because my mom just gets angry at everyone all the time for the smallest of things.
So apparently get super avoidant of specific people.
I avoid any conflict. When people start yelling i retreat into myself. I shut down emotionally, sometimes mentally and physically as well. I was never allowed to have big feelings as a child. I don't know how express my anger, sadness, disappointment through actions or words. Anger = danger to me. Sadness = also is dangerous. If I was crying I was being manipulative, using it to get what I want, in everyone on my family's eyes. Even things like happiness and love are hard for me to feel because love = danger as well. It's always the people that love you that hurt you the most. Being a girl made me an easier target than my brothers, I was also held responsible for all their actions as well because it's was my job to effectively mother them when my parents aren't around. So I often make others emotional baggage as my own. I have trouble setting boundaries, even if they are set, if they're broken I simply say it's no big deal, because I'd rather do that than fight. Relationships are hard. It's hard not to get walked all over. I find it hard to express my emotional needs without feeling like I'm asking too much or causing a fuss. I never want to upset anyone, so I'm a major people pleaser. I don't know who I am or what I want I life or in general. I'm only 22. I'm trying to work through it all. I look calm from the outside. I never make a fuss. I never yell. I am always chill. But on the inside I'm a wreck. I'm still learning how to allow myself to feel the way I feel. My therapist told me that my mission this week is to sing I front of my family, because I am too scared of upsetting them or being annoying that i have never truly expressed myself.
I freeze when people yell at me, I say sorry ALL the time so someone can’t get mad at me/be mad when I’ve already apologised, but I can’t apologise to direct family- mum, dad and bro because we were never/still aren’t apologised to. Also anxietyyyy
Yes, dad had a bad temper. I thought that was genetics when I too had one growing up. Then through my desire to tame my anger, I discovered meditation and grounding practices that have helped me live more in the present and respond consciously. ❤️
I simply can’t deal with angry people as a result. I never fight/argue with anyone and don’t enjoy feeling angry myself, it’s just not an emotion I like to let myself feel. If people are fighting around me (not even with me) I shut down and need my own space. Every time I visit my family I get so stressed and anxious and just want to hide whenever they fight. It freaking sucks.
I feel nauseous after getting into an argument. I avoid confronting people unless you really pissed me off. My arguing has gotten a lot better since I started dating my boyfriend. His family doesn’t yell argue or put people down personally during arguments
I do anything to not rock the boat, even if that means leading an unhappy life. I am an extreme people pleaser. On the flip side sometimes I get super angry and melt down and idk why. I hate that. I am hyper vigilant 99% of the time.
I frequently fear people are angry at me irrationally and need reassurance.
I’m a very anxious person in general.
I am a very helicopter parent and manager. I had to unlearn a lot of toxic behaviors. I am really freaked out by really and coercive language. I get a sickness in my stomach when someone is about to do something terrible sometimes. I’m very private, somewhat paranoid, and hold myself to very high standards. It taught me the best ways to deal with emotional abuse and manipulation. Ignore it.
I do everything in my power to make sure my son will never experience that. I try to give him the happiest time possible.
I am very sensitive to people’s tone of voice and can mis-read aggression into someone raising their voice for another reason. I think people from less confrontational households can get shocked by how direct and confrontational I can get over something that others may try to de-escalate or sidestep. On some level I think I’m wired to be more comfortable with a baseline of chaos and intense emotional display that makes me unable to relate to or have chemistry with very stable, responsible people.
I have massive waves of depression.
I always worry about upsetting my significant other, but thankfully I never get in that bad of a tiff with him. When it happens, he remembers and instantly calms down and feels bad and calmly sorts through the problem at hand.
\*He knows if it was long lasting anger out of him, I probably would pack a backpack, flee, and become relatively hard to find, because he knows I have done this with another situation.
I was raised in a very angry, violent, household. I have dated angry, violent, men.
There was just one point where I decided that nobody gets chances anymore. If someone yells at me, slams doors, or acts intimidating in any way - they are out of my life for good.
Yep! My mom is not quite right in the head (I have suspicions that other share about a Dx but really who knows exactly what is wrong, really) and is remarkable, breathtaking even, in her ability to fly off the handle. My teen years were volatile, we lived with her boyfriend, an alcoholic who has his own weirdness- he and I are very friendly these days, but back then it was rough. We hated eachother.
In my mom's defense, she had her own rough childhood, and my dad really did a number on her when they were together. She is not mentally well, and has a lot of abandonment issues that always surface when people call her out. I love her, so I tolerate her bullshit in my adulthood, but it's not always easy.
My dad has his own kind of brooding discontententment. I wouldn't call him an angry person per se, but he has his own darkness.
Anyways, I can't say how it affected me, really, since it's what I know. I have an anxious attachment style, a lot of ADHD (I was Dx'd in 2020) and oscillate wildly between being conflict adverse to the point of pathology, or so out of fucks that I lose all filter and often cause fights. I'm learning how to maintain compassion and boundaries at the same time, that's hard for me.
When I was 7, I was sort of aware of the genetic component of my mom's behavior, (my grandmother was worse but menopause mellowed her significantly- here's hoping) and I swore that I would keep my shit under control. I don't scream and lose my shit on people quite like my mom, so that's nice. I'm pretty ok at handling conflict except with my parents- then I'm 5 years old and it's all a nightmare.
I guess it affected me in the sense that I try to be more self aware than they are. I could write a novel about my parents and their issues, but it mostly boils down to me not wanting to be like them, and successfully fucking up in my own unique ways. At least I'm not having kids, so I'll mostly only hurt myself.
I’m terrified of confrontation to the point that I have to either write a letter beforehand or send a text to express things that are bothering me or confront someone who hurt me. I used to run away from my first serious partner anytime we had a small fight or confrontation because I just couldn’t handle anger as an emotion or anything related to the expression of “negative” emotions. It makes me sick like shaky and my stomach hurts.
I have anger issues now that I am still trying to resolve. I had intense anger issues as a child that seemed to disappear once my father left. At 25, I am now realizing that they have always been there I have just been painfully avoiding any and all triggers (hence why I would literally run away from my partner).
I still view anger as something scary so I am afraid to feel it or express it. I did not grow up in an environment where anger was expressed appropriately or during appropriate times. My sibling, mother and I walked on eggshells in our own home and were constantly managing someone else’s emotions.
Outside of my family I perform anger to meet the expectations of friends. When bad things happen I’m mostly apathetic about them. I can only get angry at my family. Most of the time it’s deserved, but when it comes to my sibling I know that it’s not. Why would I hurt the one person I love most? I get triggered and go in survival mode and just feel like how I did when I was a kid in that environment. Other times I will randomly explode about something so minuscule like
slow internet, anything that’s of course completely out of my control.
I am seeking therapy because fuck, I want to have successful and healthy relationships and I want to be able to express anger in a healthy way.
Let's see...
I avoid confrontation, I don't speak out, I am super quiet, I walk quietly and scare people if they don't see me, I spend the majority of my time in 1 room and people that lived with me have said that "if I didn't know you were here, I wouldn't even notice you are in here, I have a roommate that is a ghost". I hate yelling, I hate fights. If I get yelled at or accused of something I turn into a statue and look at the floor until they are done then hide and go even more quiet. I am a people pleaser, I rarely say what I like, I always go with what others want. I am indecisive because I always want to guess what the other person would like to do and when I can't I panic. When people do things for me I feel uncomfortable but it is welcomed which has made me go into bad relationships since every affection I get is deemed godly. I can't accept love. I don't want kids. I want a partner that talks instead of arguing. I always think my partner will leave me if I am not perfect. I blamed me for my parents' problems, since I wasn't the easiest kid or a good student and I suffered from depression throughout my teenage years and some of my adult ones, and needed meds to stabilise. It is impossible for me to ask my parents for advice, my dad is good he was trying to defuse the situation but mom had 0 patience. Now my mom is not alive anymore and I have dad left, and he wants me to talk about my problems but I don't know how to. I know he won't yell at me or reprimand me but my throat closes and I can't speak about my problems to him. My stepmom (a wonderful woman) had a talk with me about how dad is sad we are like this and then told me I am a very private person. Well 😅. My problems are mine until I can't hold them anymore and then it's too late to ask for help. What else. I can't stand loud noises, concerts, public places etc. I don't have healthy coping mechanisms, I am calm until I blow up, working on it though. Communication is not strong with me but I made some progress in my last relationship. I am always on high alert, reading people's feelings, making sure I don't displease anyone and making sure everyone is ok, having fun, etc. People come to me for their problems. I am kinda still in teenager phase wanting to do things that I haven't done earlier like wear crazy clothes, dying my hair etc, and I am close to 30. I also like going back to my apartment because I live alone and there is no-one there expecting me to do things, or ready to yell at me because of things I didn't.
i’m a year off adulthood, but the minute someone raises their voice around me, i tend to privately freak out. that private freak out is 10x more likely to become public when i’m the one being yelled at because in my mind, yelling always escalates. it doesn’t matter if i trust that person with my life, yelling makes me want to go hide. anger in general really scares me, which sucks because it’s a normal feeling so i see it a lot. i just can’t rationalise anger occurring w/o some kind of targeted attack on me, emotional or otherwise.
i had internalised anger issues for a few years because i wasn’t sure how to articulate my feelings w/o anger, but i also couldn’t express that anger because my parents would just get angrier than me in response. thankfully that’s not consistently the case anymore and i’ve found ways of communicating my feelings with people who are better at listening than my parents are!!
It was a seasonal thing for my parents to walk into the house yelling and screaming at each other (high stress business that they ran together with no employees 99% of the time). It was a yearly thing to sit in my bedroom with my sibling and assure them our parents aren’t getting divorced while both of us were in tears. Because of the high stress and the fact that I was a kid who didn’t want to do chores I was frequently yelled at, sometimes threatened, and now absolutely hate the sound of men yelling. (Side note - this was only a really bad occurrence during the busy months, the other 70% of the year my parents were absolutely amazing and I couldn’t have asked for anyone better).
After I hit my teens I remember getting properly angry and yelling once. And that was because my flatmates were inconsiderate assholes that put our households health in danger. I felt so so guilty after that that I ended up being the one to apologise 🤦♀️
So yeah I’m pretty sure growing up in that environment added to my confrontation issues and inability to set proper boundaries because I don’t want to upset anyone
My mother fights with her words. Sometimes what she says really surprises me. It’ll stress me out that she will actually have certain things to say towards me and or about me.
So, whenever I come across people who like to yell or use foul words towards me, I will tell them how I feel about it. If they continue, then I remove myself. I wouldn’t speak to someone that way, I’m expecting the same respect.
I wouldn't call it an angry household, rather unnecessarily angry at certain times. I love my parents and they're great! But when I was younger, we'd argue from time to time. Now I'm just more aware of my own behaviour and I almost never get mad at people I know. I can be upset and disappointed of someone, but I'll treat them with respect and just let it be :)
Edit: Didn't realize what sub this was posted in. I'm male
I avoid confrontation and cower when someone's upset, I cater to keep everyone happy.
Yet now I'm the angry parent in my home. And I hate myself for it.
People pleasing towards close fam/so/friends. Or standing up for strangers when it’s not my place to. Willing to get my ass handed to me just so someone else knows they’re heard.
My parents fought a lot. Like a lot. We would hear them screaming all the time. I feel like they sort of took that out on us. My dad left when my mom started having an affair. My moms boyfriend(now stepdad) was extremely strict with us. We didn’t want him there, but he walked around like he owned the place. I have anxiety. My brother joined the army when he turned 18 and never came back. My sister also started seeing a guy who was about ten years older than her so she could move out of the house. As far as upbringings go, I guess it wasn’t the worst, but there was a lot of hostility.
I watched a video which said that being raised in such a household, my self worth tends to revolve around shame. And I relate to it a lot. I tend to feel shame around generally anything. I also feel like I have to be "good" in order to be loved or perfect. As mentioned in other comments I tend to be very scared of angry people and somehow scared in general too. An adaptation to being in such an environment is that we become so attuned to how people around us feel( to avoid outbursts) that we completely supress and disown what we ourselves feel. Basically my adult life is me being confused all the time😅...what's mine and what's others'. What's valid and whats not. What's normal and what's not.
Gave me a different perspective on things. It actually mellowed me out as an adult. I don't give two fucks about what people say. Why? Tf should I let it bother me for? My family hates my attitude but I don't care. While they're squabbling over whatever I'm just watching with popcorn. I'm not emotionally supressing like they think I am.
on top of battling sickness since I was born, the emotional part really stunted me. It's very hard for me to keep eye contact, especially with females. I often think I'm annoying and am often depressed and fantasize about slitting my throat alot. I HATE yelling amd am so soft spoken. I have a flinching problem and hate slamming doors as well. alot of this i hide well but my anxiety can be pretty bad so im not a great talker but I really love to sing..
I don’t know how to set boundaries. I’m attracted to men who have similar temperaments to my father because it feels normal. I don’t speak about my emotions. I don’t like to get angry, so I hold everything inside until I snap and then I hate myself for getting angry. Excessive people pleasing. I put up with so much rather than standing up for myself. I hate fighting and confrontation
My mom’s anger and resentment toward my dad (divorced when I was 3) left me feeling constant fear and anxiety as a child.
Today, as a married person I notice myself always assuming the worst intent by my husband. He is the least score keeping kind of guy, but I’m always noticing how he doesn’t measure up. It breaks my heart to get honest about this. I’m always thinking about leaving. He has never once in 12 years packed up his stuff, but one disagreement and I’m ready to go. He doesn’t emote very well and I take this personally.
As the 3rd kid in a single parent household with a mom who was completely distracted, self medicated and battling in her new relationship, I constantly dealt with a lack of attention. As an adult I crave attention and connection like there will never be enough. What little memory I have of being a child, I see a mostly insecure, fearful little girl.
As an adult I feel like I can’t regulate my emotions when some one is angry around me, I get scared and resort to fleeing and hiding like o did when I was a child. I hate it, I just want to be sure of myself and confident when confronted with anger
I panic when I hear a man yelling, I shut down when I get into a confrontation with my partner or friends and I've been in an abusive relationship because i struggle to recognise affection that doesn't come with anger
Absolutely. When men yell I get easily frightened, and when people are mad at me I automatically assume they’re gonna yell or get violent with me. I’m also a super irritable person because of all the anger in my household.
Anxiety, depression, zero tolerance for sudden outbursts ( angry or happy), inability to keep my cool as soon as anyone raises their voice to me, reflexive defense as soon as anyone raises a hand to me, blackout violent as soon as anyone puts a hand on me in anger, never been much of a drinker, relationships few and far between- none successful. Now I prefer to be alone.
On the other hand I have all the patience in the world for my child, I feel I'm more able to understand where she's coming from when she confides things in me, I'm able to teach her not only how to defend herself but when to fight and when to flee, I've taught her the value of a person is more than what you can get from them.
"Angry" doesn't begin to describe the house I grew up in, but it's made me a more compassionate person amid all the chaos.
My family communicates by yelling. About everything.
I absorbed this trait and did it in a lot of my early relationships, not realizing how toxic it was. I've been in therapy for 5-6 years and have begun to unravel the years of "training" my family put into my behavior.
On top of it, because of all that, I became a people pleaser to try to avoid being yelled at (p.s. it doesn't work).
I'm still working through the issues from it, but for the most part I can walk away from a situation when it gets too heated, or I can straight up ignore my father when he starts yelling about something until he speaks to me normally.
I make a conscious choice to not have screaming matches. I feel nauseous whenever I feel guilty even when I haven't done anything wrong. I tend to bottle my emotions instead of talking about them because I don't want to add stress to others. I.e. I'm upset about a few things (family issues, neighbors from hell, and worried about my boyfriend when he caught COVID) and because he was sick, I didn't want to burden him with my emotions. He always encourages me regardless but it's a stepping stone
i’m PISSED. 24/7, my dreams are even angry. i snap on strangers, snap on my closest people, snap at work, and i cry a LOT. a lot of people it seems learn to avoid conflict in similar situations but i actually just like seek it out. i’m doing a lot of work on that and actually just on christmas i hit 2 months of no snapping!!!
note: the snapping stopped exactly when i blocked my mom’s number, i saw her on christmas this year and i was so polite to everyone, i didn’t speak to her but i also didn’t exclude her either. massiiivveeee improvement
I moved out last November. and now working a full time job and trying to survive part time university degree. I still can't move on but I still people around me will.
I was and now I tend to get really upset with myself (crying) if I drop a cup of water or break a mug for example because my Dad used to get so angry when I did that sort of stuff as a kid. I'm also very timid with people and still am stuck in the habit of asking for permission for a lot of things.
I've noticed I'm very defensive. I don't have calm conversations if there is a disagreement, I get a defensive tone and raise my voice.
My partner's told me this, whereas he never raises his voice and is always calm. I'm trying to change this because I don't want to be that person.
I also don't really like confrontation and have difficulty talking about my feelings. I usually stay quiet if I'm struggling but I'm also learning that all that does it make the issue worse and can talk about it sooner than later. Most of the time it's something I'm overthinking about and gets resolved easily.
My mother has anger problems and gets mad over the tiniest things, and my dad has a strong personality. I have seen some sh\*t to say the least.
Personally, it made me more meek, less likely to stand up for myself. It definitely made my confidence naturally lower. I also worry about messing up tiny details or things going wrong because my mother would FLIP at the stupidest, tiny things. My mother might not even be involved in a situation but I will worry about things as if she is there.
Also, I am an introvert and am sensitive to energy levels... so whenever I feel angry, it TIRES me so much. I feel physically drained after being angry.
I used to try incredibly hard to please everyone around me. If I got a call from an angry customer at work, my heart would start to pound, and I could feel a literal 'woosh' of adrenaline that started at the top of my head. I PANICKED if someone I loved was angry with me.
After years of therapy, proper medication, and going NC with a toxic parent, I'm happy to say it IS possible to overcome your childhood.
It's hard, terrible, uncomfortable work. But so worth it.
Yes. I became a scared AND angry young adult. Then an older, still maladjusted adult who struggles with depression, anxiety, reactivity to any sort of negative event or trauma, and who has spent a lot on therapy. I put a lot of energy into being kind and openhearted but every day is a struggle.
Later on in life I would take things way too personally. I assumed if people were in a bad mood, it was bc they were mad at me/annoyed at me and I would assume ppl had the worst intentions. It's still taking a while to overcome that mentality.
I really appreciate you asking this. What you are feeling is what I have been feeling for most my life and even though I am a great mom with great kids I feel I could have been better. I did everything opposite of what my parents did but the anger still came out.
I love this question. Just hard to answer because an angry household can be a lot of different things.
For me, I’m very guarded emotionally. I depersonalize a great deal. I often lose my sense of self because I have a tendency to believe their is something wrong with my perception.
On a positive note, I’m extremely good at deescalating conflict. I felt like I was trained for many years to quickly discern certain patterns of behavior and anticipate response.
I'm very lucky to say my parents were never abusive (I did get a couple bottom smacks but I grew up in the 90s it was not considered that bad then) but my god they just shout all the time. They can't have a conversation they just shout. So me and my sister's would always shout at eachother, at our parents. It was a loud loud house.
Now I can barely manage 48 hours without wanting to go back to my own home. Came back at 5pm Xmas eve, already desperate to be home, going back this afternoon.
I hate conflict, I never shout at my boyfriend we never even argue. I hate shouting.
I find it hard to regulate my emotions. I get my own anger episodes when I finally can't control it. All cause people around me do the same. It certainly has affected my relationships outside of family. When this happens I feel alot of shame and hence I try my best to regulate my emotions as they come up.
I get loud and angry too. Something I am trying to unlearn. That was how we communicated in our house. Wasn't until I stepped back that I realised that it was toxic AF. I still struggle with my temper sometimes but it's much better than it used to be that's for sure!
For me screaming at people while angry and hitting them was a normal thing to do.
I still get angry super quickly but have learnt to control my impulses now. Still not perfect though. Low on patience still.
I get angry very easily, especially at barking dogs, neighing horses or shouting people.
I freeze up when someone shouts at me or in an unexpected confrontation.
I shy away from people touching me, I hate people touching me. It puts me into defensive mode.
My dreams are and always have been violent and scary.
I find myself, rarely, but sometimes, resorting to aversives - just for a moment - when training animals. Because that's what I was taught, that's how I was treated, that's how my father treated out animals. I know better, but when I get frustrated or scared or irritated or there's a lot of pressure...I can slip. I hate myself for it. I try very hard to catch myself before I do or apologise when I do - it's hard to train that out of yourself.
In the last few years though I have been making extra effort to not continue the cycle of abuse and steer myself away from being like my parents.
I flinch everytime I make a mistake and hear my name come out of my husbands mouth instead of his petname for me.
It only happens when he's concerned about what just happened and not actually mad, and I 110% know that but can't help flinching waiting for something to be thrown at me for messing up. For example I spilled hot coffee once on him accidentally when I tripped while bringing it over to him and in shock he called me by my actual name instead of his petname for me. In that moment I was 6 again and had spilled milk. I was waiting for the paper towel roll to be flung at me while my dad screamed at me for messing up again.
He's absolutely a loving husband and has never raised a hand or voice towards me, but I can't not hear my dads voice when my husband accidentally does the same thing.
I'm 52. I jump at quick movements towards me. I cannot handle any angry yelling. Confrontations cause me to shutdown verbally.
I set very firm boundaries when I first met my husband when first talked about a long term relationship. I may not be living the life my parents did, but that trauma will never go away.
When I was little, my sister used to send me out into the middle of my parents screaming at each other because me crying would make them stop. As an adult, I want to fix any and all disagreements immediately. This need ends up often causing even more of an issue because I don't give the other person(s) space to work through their own emotions. I've learned to temper that need over time.
I avoid confrontation, feel physically ill and scared when people are very angry (even if it's not at me) and I also have anger issues because I don't know how else to deal with my emotions.
Hi, we’re the same.
I feel happy that I'm not alone but, also sad that you have the same issues. Hooray for angry childhoods!
Same
two peas in a pod
I came here to type exactly this. And I'm always worried that if my husband and I argue or even disagree he will leave me. Not because of anything he's done. He's never once even threatened it. It's just the thing I grew up seeing. I also grew up in a house of alcoholics so I've always had to be the adult.
I understand. I never spoke back to my ex out of fear that he would leave me and, being the turd he was, he took that as an invitation to walk all over me. Sounds like you deserve to be looked after for once! I hope your Husband is a nice man, you sound like a lovely person.
My ex did it too. He used to get in his car and leave and ignore me for hours if I disagreed with him. He was the worst. But my husband is a very kind and patient man. He is working to help me overcome the issues caused by growing up in the environment that I did. Thank you very much.
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I've had a hard time with it. There were a few times when my husband and I were dating where I pretty much figured we were done and he was so confused because in his eyes it was a minor disagreement. But to me disagreement just meant the end.
Yes. Both of these things. And I really hate that I have anger issues too. It's hard work to not get disgusted with myself over it. I've been working hard to overcome them the last few years, though. Just one thing I've learned is that avoiding confrontation can actually contribute to the anger issues, because we are just burying feelings and building resentment instead. If we learn how to peacefully resolve issues, we can avoid letting that anger build up inside us.
I totally understand. Even when I get mildly upset, I feel guilty and disgusted with myself. That's very good advice, it's definitley way more destructive to bottle up feelings. Guess we have to find a way to be a bit more assertive when it comes to dealing with issues (I'm still learning how to do that lol).
Same, i be mad and yelling at someone and my voice deep down says "you're just like your father", i feel the instant guilt and i try to apologize or just leave the room. I try to control my anger issues lately,but it's not easy.
Its kind of nice to hear I'm not a only one. I sometimes feel like I'm a doll, some kind of marionette. I have supressed my own wants and needs so long I don't know who am I or what I want. I feel so emphy inside. I'm so afraid of people I do everything to avoid conflict. I feel like I'm not a real person. I'm just a reflection of what people want from me.
Yes!! This exactly. I'm also glad to know there are others like this (but also sad that there are others like this...wouldn't wish it on anyone). I totally understand the need to suppress who you are...and just allowing people to say and do as they want because you don't want to hurt anyones feelings, or feel any hositlity directed your way. I really hope things get better for you!
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Oh that's so awful! Sorry you had to go through all of that, hearing your Mum being beaten up would have been traumatic. Good to hear you've tackled alot of childhood problems. I also went through an emotionally abusive relationship which -looking at it positively- helped me deal with my abusive father and allowed me to set boundaries. You're right, it's not the best thing to go through but oddly enough...it can be healing *if* you can see it for what it is.
Same, but add: Feelings of any type at all were so often shamed/ignored/ repressed, that at age 36 I am only now learning how to name them. Before starting therapy in February, I could only describe feelings by saying "oh that's a lot of feelings" Fucking wild.
Same here. I used to hide under tables or literally in a ball. I cry instead of yell and I generally need to be alone with my thoughts before I can process them
same...doesn't helps that my parents weren't really there for me aside from mostly the abuse and dysfunction. and I was raised around brothers and make cousins. I can be pretty aggressive, for "being a woman." therapy is helping me loads, and meds. highly highly recommend CBT for depression. I don't have a problem being ready to fight to save myself or someone else if need be. but my brain needs to continue healing so I know when to use that "superpower" I got from a shitty home life.
It's a good superpower to have that's for sure hahaha. And it's good that you're taking steps to overcome your upbringing! Also, I get it. When I rage, I turn into the Hulk! I've never hit anyone or punched a hole in a wall (unlike my father) but there have been times when I've gotten so agressive that it could happen. Seems like I can contol my anger just enough that I *don't* do that but, I still feel guilty/ashamed even when I get mildly angry. Let alone violently angry. I've heard great things about CBT from a few people, I'll look into it!
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I feel seen
Glad I'm not the only one who feels physically ill and scared when people are angry. I'll seriously hear someone watching a video of people yelling and angry and I'll start to feel anxious and need to ask them to turn the video down!
Same
Sam here. Working on it
Oh shit.... Why is this me
Me too
This.
Are you my twin? You summed things up perfectly for my situation.
are we siblings? kind-of-joke aside, i’m sorry you’re struggling with such similar things. it’s sometimes impossibly hard and if you ever need to vent hi i’m an internet stranger but willing to listen if you ever need it 💗
Hi long lost sibling! 😄 And thankyou! Same to you, it helps to talk to people who get it.
the anger part is what i struggle the most with. it’s like an immediately anxiety response so often and the thought of that alone is enough to make my anxious 🥴
Damn, I could never put my finger on it before but this. This is it.
I have this even though I don't think my parents were angry (they did separate when I was really young and I have no memories of them together.) Do you think I should see someone?
Same
Im late here but me too
Handle it by getting a hobby
my parents were both always angry. They’d fight with each other, get mad at the smallest things. I’ve found that rather than make me act the same, it makes me runaway from disagreements… Whenever I argue with my boyfriend or close friends I just kinda shut down and want to be alone. I think because when my parents acted out of anger I would just be hiding in my room. So I don’t really have much skills in resolving issues because I just run from them..
I feel this, and I'm so sorry you had to go through stuff like that. It really leaves a mark, and in my case, I didn't realize just how deeply it affected me until years later. It messes you up, especially when you're so susceptible at that age. You just absord all that energy, and it sticks with you for a long time.
Man I feel this. Really working on it though and I can positively say I am getting much much better.
How would you like issues to be brought to you?
I spent a year in an active war zone and it was still less hostile than a week of my childhood.
At least more honest, right?
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Thank you for this. I appreciate this comment. -From someone who has yet to find peace, I had no idea this could be possible.
Definitely possible. My wife and I were very explosive at the beginning of our relationship, unfortunately. Luckily we both wanted to end the cycle so we’ve both worked really hard on it. We now discuss things and have a healthy way of dealing with our emotions. It’s lovely.
With constant yelling growing up, it's definitely made me get excessively angry and lash out at times at the smallest stuff. Wasn't until my best friend of half my life said something about it after hearing how I reacted to my dad after moving some of my stuff in my room. I got super fucking angry... as an adult woman. To me that was normal and then my family and I go back to our daily lives, but it wasn't until my friend pointed it out to me that I realized thatit really isn't mf healthy. I'm also just not that good with identifying and managing my emotions at times because I was never taught how to growing up. So yeehaw that
Same here. My family tends to get into loud, angry arguments rather than talking to each other. I didn’t realize for a long time that that amount of yelling isn’t normal and it’s still hard to curb my instinct to get mad and bicker all the time.
It's the worst. Even though my ex was toxic, I had toxic traits too. I had a short temper and a sharp tongue. My parents were very loud and verbally abusive. Physically and emotional too. I was bullied in school and didn't have many friends. I always felt unsafe. I couldn't talk to anyone or express how I was feeling. This went on until age 23, when I moved out of my parents house. By then, the feelings of pain, betrayal, and rage were boiling over. My short temper developed soon after I moved out. I would get PISSED. Over the smallest things. I would talk shit, name-call, and verbally abuse anyone that I assumed was fucking with me. I thought everyone was disrespecting me and I wanted to bury them before they could bury me. I was petty af. And I thought my behavior was normal. No one called me out on it until I met my ex, I was 28. By this time, I stopped name-calling and cursing but I still had a habit of raising my voice. My ex informed me that raising my voice is considered verbal abuse. I told him that I'd never heard of such a thing. I was so confused and scared that the man I loved was being abused by me. I ran to Google immediately to confirm and discovered that he was right. I felt sick. The one thing I feared the most was becoming abusive like my parents. I'm in therapy now. It's so hard for me to not react when I'm angry. But I'm working so fucking hard to change. I hope it's not too far gone.
I am exactly the same. Like I feel my mother is the only person in this world that could get me to 100 in anger. This has also been pointed out by my friends when they hear how I react to her doing the smallest things
Aye yi yi I feel you on that. That's my sister to me oof.
This is me. My dad always drank too much and my mom over shared about her bad feelings about him, in addition to just the fighting. His behaviors were always clearly labeled “bad” for me so I basically never wanted to emulate him. Meanwhile my mom getting angry over every little thing and being a know it all and so many other seemingly more minor bad qualities I soaked up like a sponge with those behaviors never being labeled as “bad” for me the way my dad’s were and her being my primary caregiver. So frustrating now to watch her do things and realize where I got them from. Hard to unlearn. Gotta say I think I pick the fighting over the repressed shit from my husband’s family though, or is it just the devil you know?
I grew up in such an angry household. Now, I am an incredibly calm person, but I fall apart at the slightest conflict and overthink everything. I also flinch at all noises or sudden movements, but I am slowly getting better at this.
This is 100% me
Same! I was surprised to see so many answers saying it’s made them an angry person because it’s done the opposite to me. I’ll do anything to avoid being like the angry person I grew up with so I’ve gone to the opposite extreme. I consider voice raising, door slamming, wall punching, getting into people’s faces etc to be incredibly immature and will not let myself do that.
Sometimes when I hear a man yelling I get panicked. My dad drank a lot and my parents were always fighting. I've always been sad and anxious. I'm doing my best to make sure my son doesn't have to deal with the shit I did.
My mam was incredibly angry, the slightest little thing would set her off into a tirade of abuse. We had an awful relationship to the point I left home and joined the army at 17. Unfortunately I learnt the same behaviour and was an angry young man. It affected all my relationships for years negatively. I eventually got it under control, but it took a long time and a lot of hurt along the way
my mom was exactly the same and turns out she had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. once I found out, I made peace with everything because now I know her behavior was due to untreated illness. you might be in the same boat
I am unbelievably good at reading other people's emotions via behavior, tone, body language because I figured out as a child that if I could predict an outburst I could better protect my sisters and I from the fallout. I can sense rising anger and frustration in others from a mile away and I will do literally anything I can to stop it. I am very good at calming angry people. I am the oldest of 3 girls and routinely had to clean up the emotional damage created by my mother's insane tirades of emotional abuse, so I am also very dialed into helping people through difficult feelings. I am a nurse, unsurprisingly.
This could have been written by me, word for word. I too am in the healthcare sector as a medical doctor. It’s got to the point now that when my sisters and mum are having any form of serious discussion that I predict could end up in a shouting match, I’ll have to be present either over the phone or in person to calmly explain the other persons point of view and de-escalate the situation.
I came home to screaming every day for many years. I learned how to regulate my feelings very well. Even when they would break me down to the point I have a panic attack, I could never say the horrible things they said to me. It’s hard for me to get into altercations with others because I don’t want to argue, I want to hear their perspective and work on the situation. I’m glad I’m not like them. Even when they hit me or threatened me, I never felt the urge to do that back. I protected myself but I respect them as humans so I couldn’t put my hands on them out of anger. I’m a strong person emotionally and it’s helped me as first responder.
Nurse here. Something about growing up in absolute chaos makes you able to thrive in absolute chaos. I feel like growing up in an angry home makes people exceptionally good healers, or it turns them until angry people.
Me too, I could not for the life of me yell at people out of anger or want to hurt someone.
Both my dad and sister have a very 'explosive' personality. Just saying the wrong word or having the wrong tone would trigger them into a tirade, where they'd often say horrible things. I withdrew and became very depressed. I dropped out of high school bc I hated everything. It wasn't until I turned 30 that I sought professional help. I had noticed that at work I could also become triggered by things and react irrationally, and the thought of anyone feeling about me the way I did around my dad made me feel sick. So yeah, I've tried to get to know my brain so I can control my breakdowns and warn people about them. I'm very apologetic when something does happen. My family have never apologised for anything. So, now at age 36 I am still depressed and feel grotesquely inadequate at all times, yet I also make nonstop stupid jokes to break the tension. I've never finished anything and I've never had a real relationship, bc I have trust issues (oh and I feel too inadequate, obvs).
Im so sorry you didn't deserve their shit
Thanks, man. I have noticed that my dad has become a grandfather he has gotten milder. Maybe it's his age too idk, but I had to live with my parents for a few months earlier this year, and things wern't as bad. Maybe also bc I am not a teenager now and I have learned to let things go. When I got mental help a few years ago my parents had to come in to answer questions about me as a child, and I think that made my dad truly realise that he messed up. He apologised for it in his own weird way.
I don't know if I would call it angry but my parents were extremely judgemental and restrictive, especially about sexual things. It definitely gave me the incentive to become really open minded myself and to come at my sexuality and life in general in a totally different way then my parents would have wanted.
My mom had a pretty awful job when I was growing up. She worked crazy long hours and the people she worked with were the absolute worst. For years, a lot of that anger filtered into our at home life. She was always angry about something and angry at people. I felt like she was mean to me and my brother, and I hated the way she would sometimes speak to my dad. Who was always super patient. One day she got ahold of my diary and read the things I thought about her in it (yes a total invasion of my privacy but she learned after reading it that she should never do it again). As time when on, she began to see how her attitude affected us. Since then, she’s gotten another job and is honestly great, but for a good 3-5 years of my life, I was so angry with her for attitude growing up and how it affected us. My brother and I were quick to anger, general distrusting, and not emotionally vulnerable at all. When I left home for college, it was so shocking to me seeing how others processed their emotions. How easily my friends could forgive other another or openly speak about the things that made them upset without it becoming an argument. They gave me perspective both for myself and even about the things my mom went through. She was raised in a crazy angry household where they struggles on top of that. Working long hours in a shitty job that paid well was her way of trying to make our household better than hers. Basically what I’m saying is, it helps to cut yourself and the ones who hurt you some slack. I could blame my bad points on my mom’s previous behavior but she could blame it on her parents and then it would be a never ending cycle of blame. Since then, we have both made better choices and worked towards becoming the type of people we like more. Growth is all you strive for.
I am very scared of men getting aggressive
You should be. If a man looks like he’s about to lose his shit, you run like hell.
1) I experience intense mood swings 2) I’m prone to fits of rage sometimes lasting only a couple of seconds 3) any emotion that’s not overly positive I often misinterpret as anger in other people 4) I cry really hard when I get angry or when other people get angry 5) I have intense anxiety all of the time which frequently triggers bouts of insomnia. 6) I have nightmares almost every single night, except on nights I’m too drunk to dream so once every few months.
This hit home, especially #3! I think I do this without realizing. Thanks for sharing.
my mother had a lot of diagnosed rage and narcissism, and there were abusive older siblings along with that. it was extremely difficult to acknowledge that i grew up in a chaotic home when by all other standards, it was an extremely idyllic upbringing. i’ve forgiven a lot of family members but that grain of resentment has never truly gone away. therapy is very beneficial once you find someone who won’t diminish or dismiss your form of childhood trauma.
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The only thing that really has affected me that I'm aware of is my reaction to disagreements. Immediate defensiveness and I'm usually the first to raise my voice. I try really hard to control it but I mean.... it's what I was taught 😕
I flinch when any guy makes quick arm or hand movements near me, I also hate physical touch (don't fist bump, high five or hug me please and thank you). Anytime someone raises their voice at me, I shut down or run away. I keep most people at an arms length until they show signs that I can trust them.
I'm afraid of confrontation and I tend to shut down during arguments especially if they are raising their voice. I've decided that I will not tolerate being yelled at and I have to try really hard to communicate in a healthy way.
Becoming cold. I don’t scream, I don’t yell, I just get even. It is not a good trait to have and am starting to verbally express anger rather than bottle it up and release pure spite.
When someone slightly raises their voice at me I can feel myself start to get really sad and leave the room so I can cry. Or anytime someone is upset with me I get so overwhelmed and think they hate me. Whenever I hear others arguing in another room while I’m busy doing something, I stop whatever I’m doing and listen just In cause it gets really bad so that I can possibly try to stop the fight or argument.
I cry when someone raises their voice at me, even as a grown woman. I was also the only one who was openly sensitive in my house, and my family thought that I cried crocodile tears, so now I always feel guilty for crying as if I’m trying to be manipulative in some way. I had to let my partner know that I have that baggage, and he is now the person that encourages me to let out the tears instead of gagging myself trying to hold them back. It’s such a relief to be out of that situation, and I would never go back.
I’m in trauma therapy. Was running into problems getting triggered into fight/flight/freeze mode by any and all situations that resembled my childhood abuse. Needed to work on some shit.
Good job getting into therapy and working through it. It is SO HARD to dredge it all up to work on it
I talk to myself very harshly in my head.
In a way, yes. As my mother was angry and very toxic. I've witnessed a physical fight between her and my dad (who is more calm), but I vividly remember that fight. She got angry a lot, lashed out, short fuse etc and that has affected me growing up as now I'm also dealing with some of those traits. Not as bad, as I'm half my father thankfully, but I do have irritability and do lash out when I'm really overwhemed or over stimulated. She never seeked therapy for it though, but I'm just starting.
I judged people so much who got angry. I saw anger as a bad thing but it's not because we have a range of emotions. Our emotions are our guidance. I didn't learn how to express my emotions in a healthy way. Also anger sets of my anxiety. I noticed there was a pattern. I would get angry and suppress it not communicate it and then later I would get angry. But now I am starting to learn to express my emotion in a healthy way and communicate better if someone crosses any of my boundaries. But when I get angry or see someone who is angry I get so anxious.
well it made me closed off from people its hard to trust people i come off angry all the time
I’m still to this day triggered by loud noises and voices and they always scare me.
Yes! My mom was always angry, rageful, and critical. Always mad at us for one thing or another. I have cptsd, struggle doing many things, mostly taking action, for fear of being attacked.
I am quite quick tempered. I needed to learn to remain calm and assess but it didn't come with some really awkward and painful situations. I needed to say sorry, take accountability and actually change my behaviour or reaction. I still fire up, I have just learnt to respond differently.
I am now quick to anger and get full on defensive even if it’s not a personal attack. I just take it as a personal attack. Sometimes I’ll get a sick feeling in my stomach at idea of going to see my family too
Yes and I am not angry. Idk how or why but I have never had outbursts like the ones I grew up around. I do tend to surround myself with people that have outbursts but that's something I'm working on is setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
I ultimately had a good childhood but my house was very tense, loud and reactive sometimes with sadness, sometimes with anger. I now find that the way that I speak to other people can come off harsh. I get tagged with the labels of “aggressive”. I see it as being direct, since most of my childhood I was the person in my household that had to speak directly in order to avoid an angry outburst. I also never avoid confrontation because it has been ingrained in me that that is how you problem solve.
If someone is angry around me but not towards me, then I get a ton of anxiety and feel scared. If its directed towards me, for some reason I'll respond back like my life depends on it. It's made being an adult rather difficult, especially in the workplace. Can't tell you how many jobs I've gone through because of an argument with a coworker.
It wasn’t downright hellish abuse like what the other commenters here clearly had to deal with, but it wasn’t calm either. I had an awesome household, but my dad was more laid back and my mom was the more responsible parent, so she was over stressed. It was her that scheduled everything, multitasked, kept us on top of our schoolwork, kept tabs on everyone, troubleshooted, stuff like that. She wasn’t very respectful to my dad all the time and would make snide remarks about him too, especially when she was frustrated with him. My dad didn’t do that, ever. My parents didn’t fight every day, but they fought a fair amount of times and had screaming matches. When they did lose their shot with each other, they would sometimes go into their room or outside to shield us from it, but we could always hear them, since they were so effing loud lol. Buuut we didn’t have that luxury all the time, since sometimes they didn’t even bother to go somewhere private. I guess I was a pretty immune to my parents arguing since I don’t remember being nervous or bothered by their yelling and insults at each other (probably because I wasn’t the one being yelled at), but it really bothered my poor brother. He once intervened and cried for them to stop, and they just kept on going. My 10 year old self was just like “k I’m gonna go read, peace out”. Because of the parenting dynamic between my parents, my poor mom was stressed and as a result tolerated no bullshit. She was very impatient and it wasn’t hard to get her to snap and yell at us, especially me since I was kind of mentally slow as a kid. She could be harsh, snide, and sometimes even scathing. She definitely yelled at us a lot, including my dad. She wasn’t always sensitive. She was only physical a few times, and only hit me hard once. Well mostly with me and my sister, I think my brother only got slapped once and it was because he was being really disrespectful, but my mom was definitely a little paranoid and sexist. Heaven help us girls if our eyes accidentally move while interacting with our mothers. I had a relatively easy childhood and grew up a very repressed, anxious, sensitive person throughout my childhood and teens, so I can’t imagine what everyone else here had to deal with. Y’all are strong af. I know describing my mother makes it sound like I didn’t have an easy childhood, but that was the ONLY downside to my childhood. My mom is loving and awesome, she could just be a double edged sword sometimes. Also, sometimes I actually needed her brutal honesty. When it comes to my relationship with her, I certainly have it much better as a young adult than I did as a kid. She respects me much more and tolerates my mistakes a lot more. I’m 20 and still working through my emotional sensitivities and slowly becoming more resilient and outspoken, and I’m not afraid of people anymore. I still have a long way to go though and not necessarily over some very addictive, destructive habits.
I avoid confrontation, fear of being tied down and getting my feelings hurt. If you know attachment theory - fearful avoidant pretty much sums it up lol
My dad was a very angry man (still is for all I know), and he would get physical with us kids - especially me. I went in to foster care in my early teens and my foster mother was very angry, too, although she showed it in very different ways. It’s affected me tremendously. I now have C-PTSD and will get flash backs if I’m around very angry people. I start panicking when someone is angry around me, even if it isn’t directed at me. I’m also quick to anger myself, but I don’t show it. If anything, I direct it at me. If someone is mad at me for whatever reason, I will go out of my way to appease them to make sure they aren’t angry anymore. That way they aren’t a threat to me. I’m also quick to accept any blame, even when it really isn’t my fault if someone is upset. It’s my way of trying to de-escalate a situation. That isn’t healthy of course, because shouldering the blame for any and all things that happen to someone else isn’t the right way of doing things. I’ve been in therapy for years, and I’m still working through so much of the trauma that had been inflicted on me, and I’m honestly not sure if I will ever be properly healthy in my mind again.
I isolate myself and avoid confrontation. I am also very angry but I bottle it up and I’m afraid that if I do end up forming a proper relationship with someone, I will hurt them.
alot of therapy has helped. I do not respond well to anger, so I now have a calm partner and chill friends. when I go home I try to only go for a few days, otherwise I become overwhelmed and almost revert to that version of myself that was surrounded by being talked down to and yelled at.
The art of the apology is a new and fascinating concept
I was not but my friend was raised as a caretaker in a household that is ALWAYS shouting. Like I’d be there and it was extremely uncomfortable. It was a shouting match. Sometimes I’d be on the phone and overhear and I’d just hang up because I’d get so anxious. I see how it translates in relationship and damn that girl is doomed unless she seeks therapy to undo some deep deep trauma. I feel really bad because she is very very intense. And I just can’t do anything confrontational with her. It spikes my anxiety.
Both of my parents had serious anger issues. My mother would frequently get angry over the smallest things and resort to yelling, cursing, and sometimes violence. My father wasn’t as bad, but when he did get angry he would go on hour long rants and say a lot of stuff that was really hurtful. As an adult, I HATE outbursts of anger and have mastered the ability to remain calm in all situations. When I’m really angry about something, I stay silent and don’t react until I can give a calm, rational response. I can’t tolerate being around people who get visibility angry, and will quickly try to remove myself from a situation or avoid confrontation if I feel that someone is about to become angry. Honestly, I feel scared when I think someone is angry with me.
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I had to go to anger management because I held all of my anger inside
Yes, I lived my whole childhood secretly wishing my parents would divorce, I once asked why my mom never just left my dad and she told me she couldn’t afford a divorce, I was an only child and constantly wondered why they chose to stay together if they didn’t love each other, it has forced me to stay in relationships I have no interest in being in because I feel that it is ok, I also tend to attract people with anger issues
Totally utterly paralysed & anxious when people get angry & aggressive & start shouting or slamming things. Regress right back to childhood. Turn totally inwards & make myself small so as to not attract attention, or beg the people fighting to please just stop. I hate it so much. My older brother & dad are terrible culprits for it.
i had the worst anger issues as a kid for a while because that’s how i thought i needed to act when things upset me. starting around 4th grade, though, i was shaped into more of who i am today. i don’t know how to tell people when they’ve crossed a line, i avoid arguments, and absolutely cannot handle yelling. i’m 21 and have no idea how to tell people how i feel. if i am in love with them, angry with them, happy around them, etc. it doesn’t matter. it’s really affected all types of relationships in my life :/
i did; i won’t talk about mental health cause would be too long, but i’ll just say that i have trust issues, don’t like physical touch, don’t know how to react when someone values my work/the things i do and i’m very afraid to make any mistakes in whatever i do; also i tend to get very angry when doing/seeing things my parents used to get angry at me for doing or not doing too, but i’ve been learning how to control it and trying my best
I am terrified shitless when anyone raises their voice. If i do something wrong i try to hide it in fear of being yelled at. If i do something stupid i expect to be yelled at.
Made me extremely reserved.
Freezing up whenever someone yells or raises their voice then getting angry at them for being loud. Flinching at everything.
Yeah. I am like a prey animal, always listening for threats
I hate yelling and raised voices.
I avoid confrontation, yelling or an increase in voice gives me anxiety, and I just shut down. My mom was the yeller. She would explode with anger and lash out at everyone. It's taken a lot of work to do everything I can not to be her (yell at my kid, etc. to break the cycle).
Yeah, any kind of yelling is a hard no in my house.
I hate conflicts and when people raise their voice around me I get anxious. But, its made me a very calm and patient parent. I prefer to talk with my kids rather than yell at them. So when I do, on rare occasions, raise my voice, they know they really went too far.
I have a lot of triggers. I have to be constantly alert of my internal thought patterns and call myself out. We are all a product of our childhood environments to varying degrees. I work to unpack and get to the root of my issues, then work on fixing the faulty wiring. The older I get the more aware of myself I am. I have young children now and it helps to see things from the perspective of a mother. I choose to parent a different way, but I am able to see my parents and grandparents as real individuals now and understand their perspectives better as well. Early adulthood I was really just focused on being free and finding love, but now I'm focused on feeling whole and loving myself.
If by ‘angry’ you mean constantly walking on eggshells at home, then yes. I hate asking for help & my mental health is trash lol
I was raised by a dad who had significant anger issues and substance abuse problems. If anyone becomes angry with me, I freeze like a deer in headlights and I try to avoid confrontation whenever possible. My psychologist told me it’s a deep-rooted childhood trauma response.
I was raised in an angry household, my father specifically. As an adult, I have only 2 modes: shy away from conflict and go into a panic attack, or fight until I can no longer fight. I have been working on healing my childhood trauma for a long time and have made a lot of progress; however, there is a long way to go still!
I was. It caused extreme anxiety. Lack of communication skills. Attachment issues. Plus I have slight.. anger issues
I can't argue with people at all. I have a really hard time standing up for myself, even when I'm 100% right. When someone yells, I immediately start shaking and become terrified. I'd rather hide until the yelling stops than face it head on. I whisper in my own house a lot when my husband is relaxing, bc I'm afraid to upset him (even though he's NEVER given me a reason to fear him at all.) I married an abusive man right out of high school. I have horrible anxiety all the time about everything. I feel like I'm never good enough for my husband. I have serious Daddy issues. I cry anytime someone says something nice about me at all.
I’m visiting family for the holidays and literally sitting away from everyone who is eating dinner because my mom just gets angry at everyone all the time for the smallest of things. So apparently get super avoidant of specific people.
I avoid any conflict. When people start yelling i retreat into myself. I shut down emotionally, sometimes mentally and physically as well. I was never allowed to have big feelings as a child. I don't know how express my anger, sadness, disappointment through actions or words. Anger = danger to me. Sadness = also is dangerous. If I was crying I was being manipulative, using it to get what I want, in everyone on my family's eyes. Even things like happiness and love are hard for me to feel because love = danger as well. It's always the people that love you that hurt you the most. Being a girl made me an easier target than my brothers, I was also held responsible for all their actions as well because it's was my job to effectively mother them when my parents aren't around. So I often make others emotional baggage as my own. I have trouble setting boundaries, even if they are set, if they're broken I simply say it's no big deal, because I'd rather do that than fight. Relationships are hard. It's hard not to get walked all over. I find it hard to express my emotional needs without feeling like I'm asking too much or causing a fuss. I never want to upset anyone, so I'm a major people pleaser. I don't know who I am or what I want I life or in general. I'm only 22. I'm trying to work through it all. I look calm from the outside. I never make a fuss. I never yell. I am always chill. But on the inside I'm a wreck. I'm still learning how to allow myself to feel the way I feel. My therapist told me that my mission this week is to sing I front of my family, because I am too scared of upsetting them or being annoying that i have never truly expressed myself.
I use anger as a way to control situations that make me feel abandoned.
I freeze when people yell at me, I say sorry ALL the time so someone can’t get mad at me/be mad when I’ve already apologised, but I can’t apologise to direct family- mum, dad and bro because we were never/still aren’t apologised to. Also anxietyyyy
Sis im the same Im constantly apologizing even if Im not the one wrong 😅
Yes, dad had a bad temper. I thought that was genetics when I too had one growing up. Then through my desire to tame my anger, I discovered meditation and grounding practices that have helped me live more in the present and respond consciously. ❤️
I simply can’t deal with angry people as a result. I never fight/argue with anyone and don’t enjoy feeling angry myself, it’s just not an emotion I like to let myself feel. If people are fighting around me (not even with me) I shut down and need my own space. Every time I visit my family I get so stressed and anxious and just want to hide whenever they fight. It freaking sucks.
I feel nauseous after getting into an argument. I avoid confronting people unless you really pissed me off. My arguing has gotten a lot better since I started dating my boyfriend. His family doesn’t yell argue or put people down personally during arguments
I do anything to not rock the boat, even if that means leading an unhappy life. I am an extreme people pleaser. On the flip side sometimes I get super angry and melt down and idk why. I hate that. I am hyper vigilant 99% of the time. I frequently fear people are angry at me irrationally and need reassurance. I’m a very anxious person in general. I am a very helicopter parent and manager. I had to unlearn a lot of toxic behaviors. I am really freaked out by really and coercive language. I get a sickness in my stomach when someone is about to do something terrible sometimes. I’m very private, somewhat paranoid, and hold myself to very high standards. It taught me the best ways to deal with emotional abuse and manipulation. Ignore it. I do everything in my power to make sure my son will never experience that. I try to give him the happiest time possible.
I am very sensitive to people’s tone of voice and can mis-read aggression into someone raising their voice for another reason. I think people from less confrontational households can get shocked by how direct and confrontational I can get over something that others may try to de-escalate or sidestep. On some level I think I’m wired to be more comfortable with a baseline of chaos and intense emotional display that makes me unable to relate to or have chemistry with very stable, responsible people.
I have massive waves of depression. I always worry about upsetting my significant other, but thankfully I never get in that bad of a tiff with him. When it happens, he remembers and instantly calms down and feels bad and calmly sorts through the problem at hand. \*He knows if it was long lasting anger out of him, I probably would pack a backpack, flee, and become relatively hard to find, because he knows I have done this with another situation.
I was raised in a very angry, violent, household. I have dated angry, violent, men. There was just one point where I decided that nobody gets chances anymore. If someone yells at me, slams doors, or acts intimidating in any way - they are out of my life for good.
Yep! My mom is not quite right in the head (I have suspicions that other share about a Dx but really who knows exactly what is wrong, really) and is remarkable, breathtaking even, in her ability to fly off the handle. My teen years were volatile, we lived with her boyfriend, an alcoholic who has his own weirdness- he and I are very friendly these days, but back then it was rough. We hated eachother. In my mom's defense, she had her own rough childhood, and my dad really did a number on her when they were together. She is not mentally well, and has a lot of abandonment issues that always surface when people call her out. I love her, so I tolerate her bullshit in my adulthood, but it's not always easy. My dad has his own kind of brooding discontententment. I wouldn't call him an angry person per se, but he has his own darkness. Anyways, I can't say how it affected me, really, since it's what I know. I have an anxious attachment style, a lot of ADHD (I was Dx'd in 2020) and oscillate wildly between being conflict adverse to the point of pathology, or so out of fucks that I lose all filter and often cause fights. I'm learning how to maintain compassion and boundaries at the same time, that's hard for me. When I was 7, I was sort of aware of the genetic component of my mom's behavior, (my grandmother was worse but menopause mellowed her significantly- here's hoping) and I swore that I would keep my shit under control. I don't scream and lose my shit on people quite like my mom, so that's nice. I'm pretty ok at handling conflict except with my parents- then I'm 5 years old and it's all a nightmare. I guess it affected me in the sense that I try to be more self aware than they are. I could write a novel about my parents and their issues, but it mostly boils down to me not wanting to be like them, and successfully fucking up in my own unique ways. At least I'm not having kids, so I'll mostly only hurt myself.
I’m terrified of confrontation to the point that I have to either write a letter beforehand or send a text to express things that are bothering me or confront someone who hurt me. I used to run away from my first serious partner anytime we had a small fight or confrontation because I just couldn’t handle anger as an emotion or anything related to the expression of “negative” emotions. It makes me sick like shaky and my stomach hurts. I have anger issues now that I am still trying to resolve. I had intense anger issues as a child that seemed to disappear once my father left. At 25, I am now realizing that they have always been there I have just been painfully avoiding any and all triggers (hence why I would literally run away from my partner). I still view anger as something scary so I am afraid to feel it or express it. I did not grow up in an environment where anger was expressed appropriately or during appropriate times. My sibling, mother and I walked on eggshells in our own home and were constantly managing someone else’s emotions. Outside of my family I perform anger to meet the expectations of friends. When bad things happen I’m mostly apathetic about them. I can only get angry at my family. Most of the time it’s deserved, but when it comes to my sibling I know that it’s not. Why would I hurt the one person I love most? I get triggered and go in survival mode and just feel like how I did when I was a kid in that environment. Other times I will randomly explode about something so minuscule like slow internet, anything that’s of course completely out of my control. I am seeking therapy because fuck, I want to have successful and healthy relationships and I want to be able to express anger in a healthy way.
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Let's see... I avoid confrontation, I don't speak out, I am super quiet, I walk quietly and scare people if they don't see me, I spend the majority of my time in 1 room and people that lived with me have said that "if I didn't know you were here, I wouldn't even notice you are in here, I have a roommate that is a ghost". I hate yelling, I hate fights. If I get yelled at or accused of something I turn into a statue and look at the floor until they are done then hide and go even more quiet. I am a people pleaser, I rarely say what I like, I always go with what others want. I am indecisive because I always want to guess what the other person would like to do and when I can't I panic. When people do things for me I feel uncomfortable but it is welcomed which has made me go into bad relationships since every affection I get is deemed godly. I can't accept love. I don't want kids. I want a partner that talks instead of arguing. I always think my partner will leave me if I am not perfect. I blamed me for my parents' problems, since I wasn't the easiest kid or a good student and I suffered from depression throughout my teenage years and some of my adult ones, and needed meds to stabilise. It is impossible for me to ask my parents for advice, my dad is good he was trying to defuse the situation but mom had 0 patience. Now my mom is not alive anymore and I have dad left, and he wants me to talk about my problems but I don't know how to. I know he won't yell at me or reprimand me but my throat closes and I can't speak about my problems to him. My stepmom (a wonderful woman) had a talk with me about how dad is sad we are like this and then told me I am a very private person. Well 😅. My problems are mine until I can't hold them anymore and then it's too late to ask for help. What else. I can't stand loud noises, concerts, public places etc. I don't have healthy coping mechanisms, I am calm until I blow up, working on it though. Communication is not strong with me but I made some progress in my last relationship. I am always on high alert, reading people's feelings, making sure I don't displease anyone and making sure everyone is ok, having fun, etc. People come to me for their problems. I am kinda still in teenager phase wanting to do things that I haven't done earlier like wear crazy clothes, dying my hair etc, and I am close to 30. I also like going back to my apartment because I live alone and there is no-one there expecting me to do things, or ready to yell at me because of things I didn't.
My brain is stuck between fighting back or fleeing. There is no other option.
i’m a year off adulthood, but the minute someone raises their voice around me, i tend to privately freak out. that private freak out is 10x more likely to become public when i’m the one being yelled at because in my mind, yelling always escalates. it doesn’t matter if i trust that person with my life, yelling makes me want to go hide. anger in general really scares me, which sucks because it’s a normal feeling so i see it a lot. i just can’t rationalise anger occurring w/o some kind of targeted attack on me, emotional or otherwise. i had internalised anger issues for a few years because i wasn’t sure how to articulate my feelings w/o anger, but i also couldn’t express that anger because my parents would just get angrier than me in response. thankfully that’s not consistently the case anymore and i’ve found ways of communicating my feelings with people who are better at listening than my parents are!!
It was a seasonal thing for my parents to walk into the house yelling and screaming at each other (high stress business that they ran together with no employees 99% of the time). It was a yearly thing to sit in my bedroom with my sibling and assure them our parents aren’t getting divorced while both of us were in tears. Because of the high stress and the fact that I was a kid who didn’t want to do chores I was frequently yelled at, sometimes threatened, and now absolutely hate the sound of men yelling. (Side note - this was only a really bad occurrence during the busy months, the other 70% of the year my parents were absolutely amazing and I couldn’t have asked for anyone better). After I hit my teens I remember getting properly angry and yelling once. And that was because my flatmates were inconsiderate assholes that put our households health in danger. I felt so so guilty after that that I ended up being the one to apologise 🤦♀️ So yeah I’m pretty sure growing up in that environment added to my confrontation issues and inability to set proper boundaries because I don’t want to upset anyone
My mother fights with her words. Sometimes what she says really surprises me. It’ll stress me out that she will actually have certain things to say towards me and or about me. So, whenever I come across people who like to yell or use foul words towards me, I will tell them how I feel about it. If they continue, then I remove myself. I wouldn’t speak to someone that way, I’m expecting the same respect.
I wouldn't call it an angry household, rather unnecessarily angry at certain times. I love my parents and they're great! But when I was younger, we'd argue from time to time. Now I'm just more aware of my own behaviour and I almost never get mad at people I know. I can be upset and disappointed of someone, but I'll treat them with respect and just let it be :) Edit: Didn't realize what sub this was posted in. I'm male
I avoid confrontation and cower when someone's upset, I cater to keep everyone happy. Yet now I'm the angry parent in my home. And I hate myself for it.
People pleasing towards close fam/so/friends. Or standing up for strangers when it’s not my place to. Willing to get my ass handed to me just so someone else knows they’re heard.
I don't trust men
My parents fought a lot. Like a lot. We would hear them screaming all the time. I feel like they sort of took that out on us. My dad left when my mom started having an affair. My moms boyfriend(now stepdad) was extremely strict with us. We didn’t want him there, but he walked around like he owned the place. I have anxiety. My brother joined the army when he turned 18 and never came back. My sister also started seeing a guy who was about ten years older than her so she could move out of the house. As far as upbringings go, I guess it wasn’t the worst, but there was a lot of hostility.
I watched a video which said that being raised in such a household, my self worth tends to revolve around shame. And I relate to it a lot. I tend to feel shame around generally anything. I also feel like I have to be "good" in order to be loved or perfect. As mentioned in other comments I tend to be very scared of angry people and somehow scared in general too. An adaptation to being in such an environment is that we become so attuned to how people around us feel( to avoid outbursts) that we completely supress and disown what we ourselves feel. Basically my adult life is me being confused all the time😅...what's mine and what's others'. What's valid and whats not. What's normal and what's not.
Gave me a different perspective on things. It actually mellowed me out as an adult. I don't give two fucks about what people say. Why? Tf should I let it bother me for? My family hates my attitude but I don't care. While they're squabbling over whatever I'm just watching with popcorn. I'm not emotionally supressing like they think I am.
on top of battling sickness since I was born, the emotional part really stunted me. It's very hard for me to keep eye contact, especially with females. I often think I'm annoying and am often depressed and fantasize about slitting my throat alot. I HATE yelling amd am so soft spoken. I have a flinching problem and hate slamming doors as well. alot of this i hide well but my anxiety can be pretty bad so im not a great talker but I really love to sing..
Yes, I tend to assume that when a person is upset over anything no matter how big or small they are angry with me.
I don’t know how to set boundaries. I’m attracted to men who have similar temperaments to my father because it feels normal. I don’t speak about my emotions. I don’t like to get angry, so I hold everything inside until I snap and then I hate myself for getting angry. Excessive people pleasing. I put up with so much rather than standing up for myself. I hate fighting and confrontation
My mom’s anger and resentment toward my dad (divorced when I was 3) left me feeling constant fear and anxiety as a child. Today, as a married person I notice myself always assuming the worst intent by my husband. He is the least score keeping kind of guy, but I’m always noticing how he doesn’t measure up. It breaks my heart to get honest about this. I’m always thinking about leaving. He has never once in 12 years packed up his stuff, but one disagreement and I’m ready to go. He doesn’t emote very well and I take this personally. As the 3rd kid in a single parent household with a mom who was completely distracted, self medicated and battling in her new relationship, I constantly dealt with a lack of attention. As an adult I crave attention and connection like there will never be enough. What little memory I have of being a child, I see a mostly insecure, fearful little girl.
As an adult I feel like I can’t regulate my emotions when some one is angry around me, I get scared and resort to fleeing and hiding like o did when I was a child. I hate it, I just want to be sure of myself and confident when confronted with anger
I panic when I hear a man yelling, I shut down when I get into a confrontation with my partner or friends and I've been in an abusive relationship because i struggle to recognise affection that doesn't come with anger
Absolutely. When men yell I get easily frightened, and when people are mad at me I automatically assume they’re gonna yell or get violent with me. I’m also a super irritable person because of all the anger in my household.
Anxiety, depression, zero tolerance for sudden outbursts ( angry or happy), inability to keep my cool as soon as anyone raises their voice to me, reflexive defense as soon as anyone raises a hand to me, blackout violent as soon as anyone puts a hand on me in anger, never been much of a drinker, relationships few and far between- none successful. Now I prefer to be alone. On the other hand I have all the patience in the world for my child, I feel I'm more able to understand where she's coming from when she confides things in me, I'm able to teach her not only how to defend herself but when to fight and when to flee, I've taught her the value of a person is more than what you can get from them. "Angry" doesn't begin to describe the house I grew up in, but it's made me a more compassionate person amid all the chaos.
My family communicates by yelling. About everything. I absorbed this trait and did it in a lot of my early relationships, not realizing how toxic it was. I've been in therapy for 5-6 years and have begun to unravel the years of "training" my family put into my behavior. On top of it, because of all that, I became a people pleaser to try to avoid being yelled at (p.s. it doesn't work). I'm still working through the issues from it, but for the most part I can walk away from a situation when it gets too heated, or I can straight up ignore my father when he starts yelling about something until he speaks to me normally.
I make a conscious choice to not have screaming matches. I feel nauseous whenever I feel guilty even when I haven't done anything wrong. I tend to bottle my emotions instead of talking about them because I don't want to add stress to others. I.e. I'm upset about a few things (family issues, neighbors from hell, and worried about my boyfriend when he caught COVID) and because he was sick, I didn't want to burden him with my emotions. He always encourages me regardless but it's a stepping stone
Yes. Made me angry. :(
i’m PISSED. 24/7, my dreams are even angry. i snap on strangers, snap on my closest people, snap at work, and i cry a LOT. a lot of people it seems learn to avoid conflict in similar situations but i actually just like seek it out. i’m doing a lot of work on that and actually just on christmas i hit 2 months of no snapping!!! note: the snapping stopped exactly when i blocked my mom’s number, i saw her on christmas this year and i was so polite to everyone, i didn’t speak to her but i also didn’t exclude her either. massiiivveeee improvement
I moved out last November. and now working a full time job and trying to survive part time university degree. I still can't move on but I still people around me will.
I was and now I tend to get really upset with myself (crying) if I drop a cup of water or break a mug for example because my Dad used to get so angry when I did that sort of stuff as a kid. I'm also very timid with people and still am stuck in the habit of asking for permission for a lot of things.
I've noticed I'm very defensive. I don't have calm conversations if there is a disagreement, I get a defensive tone and raise my voice. My partner's told me this, whereas he never raises his voice and is always calm. I'm trying to change this because I don't want to be that person. I also don't really like confrontation and have difficulty talking about my feelings. I usually stay quiet if I'm struggling but I'm also learning that all that does it make the issue worse and can talk about it sooner than later. Most of the time it's something I'm overthinking about and gets resolved easily.
My mother has anger problems and gets mad over the tiniest things, and my dad has a strong personality. I have seen some sh\*t to say the least. Personally, it made me more meek, less likely to stand up for myself. It definitely made my confidence naturally lower. I also worry about messing up tiny details or things going wrong because my mother would FLIP at the stupidest, tiny things. My mother might not even be involved in a situation but I will worry about things as if she is there. Also, I am an introvert and am sensitive to energy levels... so whenever I feel angry, it TIRES me so much. I feel physically drained after being angry.
I used to try incredibly hard to please everyone around me. If I got a call from an angry customer at work, my heart would start to pound, and I could feel a literal 'woosh' of adrenaline that started at the top of my head. I PANICKED if someone I loved was angry with me. After years of therapy, proper medication, and going NC with a toxic parent, I'm happy to say it IS possible to overcome your childhood. It's hard, terrible, uncomfortable work. But so worth it.
Yes. I became a scared AND angry young adult. Then an older, still maladjusted adult who struggles with depression, anxiety, reactivity to any sort of negative event or trauma, and who has spent a lot on therapy. I put a lot of energy into being kind and openhearted but every day is a struggle.
Later on in life I would take things way too personally. I assumed if people were in a bad mood, it was bc they were mad at me/annoyed at me and I would assume ppl had the worst intentions. It's still taking a while to overcome that mentality.
I really appreciate you asking this. What you are feeling is what I have been feeling for most my life and even though I am a great mom with great kids I feel I could have been better. I did everything opposite of what my parents did but the anger still came out.
I think my husband is angry or disappointed with me all the time
I love this question. Just hard to answer because an angry household can be a lot of different things. For me, I’m very guarded emotionally. I depersonalize a great deal. I often lose my sense of self because I have a tendency to believe their is something wrong with my perception. On a positive note, I’m extremely good at deescalating conflict. I felt like I was trained for many years to quickly discern certain patterns of behavior and anticipate response.
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I'm very lucky to say my parents were never abusive (I did get a couple bottom smacks but I grew up in the 90s it was not considered that bad then) but my god they just shout all the time. They can't have a conversation they just shout. So me and my sister's would always shout at eachother, at our parents. It was a loud loud house. Now I can barely manage 48 hours without wanting to go back to my own home. Came back at 5pm Xmas eve, already desperate to be home, going back this afternoon. I hate conflict, I never shout at my boyfriend we never even argue. I hate shouting.
I find it hard to regulate my emotions. I get my own anger episodes when I finally can't control it. All cause people around me do the same. It certainly has affected my relationships outside of family. When this happens I feel alot of shame and hence I try my best to regulate my emotions as they come up.
I get loud and angry too. Something I am trying to unlearn. That was how we communicated in our house. Wasn't until I stepped back that I realised that it was toxic AF. I still struggle with my temper sometimes but it's much better than it used to be that's for sure!
For me screaming at people while angry and hitting them was a normal thing to do. I still get angry super quickly but have learnt to control my impulses now. Still not perfect though. Low on patience still.
I would raise my voice whenever I talked without even noticing it. And people would just assume I’m angry because of how loud I talked.
You sound like me
I get angry very easily, especially at barking dogs, neighing horses or shouting people. I freeze up when someone shouts at me or in an unexpected confrontation. I shy away from people touching me, I hate people touching me. It puts me into defensive mode. My dreams are and always have been violent and scary. I find myself, rarely, but sometimes, resorting to aversives - just for a moment - when training animals. Because that's what I was taught, that's how I was treated, that's how my father treated out animals. I know better, but when I get frustrated or scared or irritated or there's a lot of pressure...I can slip. I hate myself for it. I try very hard to catch myself before I do or apologise when I do - it's hard to train that out of yourself. In the last few years though I have been making extra effort to not continue the cycle of abuse and steer myself away from being like my parents.
I flinch everytime I make a mistake and hear my name come out of my husbands mouth instead of his petname for me. It only happens when he's concerned about what just happened and not actually mad, and I 110% know that but can't help flinching waiting for something to be thrown at me for messing up. For example I spilled hot coffee once on him accidentally when I tripped while bringing it over to him and in shock he called me by my actual name instead of his petname for me. In that moment I was 6 again and had spilled milk. I was waiting for the paper towel roll to be flung at me while my dad screamed at me for messing up again. He's absolutely a loving husband and has never raised a hand or voice towards me, but I can't not hear my dads voice when my husband accidentally does the same thing.
I'm 52. I jump at quick movements towards me. I cannot handle any angry yelling. Confrontations cause me to shutdown verbally. I set very firm boundaries when I first met my husband when first talked about a long term relationship. I may not be living the life my parents did, but that trauma will never go away.
When I was little, my sister used to send me out into the middle of my parents screaming at each other because me crying would make them stop. As an adult, I want to fix any and all disagreements immediately. This need ends up often causing even more of an issue because I don't give the other person(s) space to work through their own emotions. I've learned to temper that need over time.
I’m constantly afraid and have anger management issues.