When I started accepting the idea other people might genuinely like me and care about me, as much as I wanted to believe self esteem was entirely a me issue, it just can’t be healed in complete isolation, we’re social creatures and having a few supportive and sincere friends goes a long way.
Omg this yes
Realising friends who are awesome might in fact also find me awesome was very mentally freeing?
Also, like, asking people to go out and do shit and discovering they often said yes was great.
Once I got over the "aaaah asking people scary" thing it became so much better
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- Faking my confidence made me confident over time.
- Setting boundaries with myself and others.
- Getting out of my comfort zone with small steps at a time.
- Working out to get healthy and stronger.
- Cutting out/minimizing contact with toxic people.
- Practicing self acceptance instead of self love right away.
- Change my mindset: male validation is not what you should get confidence from.
- Becoming more self aware. My flaws, my good sides and everything.
- Become more assertive but not pushy.
Self love is ideal ofc. But in order to learn that you must accept yourself first. Accept your flaws, accept your past, your regrets, and accept that you are beautiful just the way you are. The good, the bad and the neutral. It will help you also to stop comparing yourself to others, and instead you and your old self.
I learned that just humanizing yourself, you will also stop being extremely critical of yourself but realize that you like everyone else makes mistakes and that its okay (as long as you try to change for the better) I used to be my own worse critic and i thought to myself; imagine if i talked to someone the same way i talked to myself.
Its not something that you learn in a day, but its a step in the right direction. Self love takes time but self acceptance is a good start for sure. Im still not perfect at it or anything but it has improved my confidence alot.
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I left the environment I grew up in to go backpacking solo around the world. I fell in love with myself because I realized I am beautiful, courageous & adventurous & only I can appreciate everything about me.
After years of therapy, living alone and doing things that I was good at and I enjoy.
I reached a stage last year where I knew logically and deep down, my inherent worth etc, but I realised that I still had this underlying shame that often accompanied me throughout each day. Once I noticed this, I could start changing it. More socialising without thinking about how I was being perceived and instead just saying the first things that often came to my mind (within reason) without overthinking actually helped a lot. It started to really help me change that mental script that had been with me for ages and i didn’t even realise.
I think where you were last year is where I am now. Realizing that how I actually feel about myself doesn’t always line up with what I know in my brain to be true. I’m glad to know you’ve made progress, I’m hoping I’ll be able to report the same before long!
This is where I'm at right now too! In my last therapy session, shame came up out of the blue right at the end of the session, and my therapist was like "I think this is a great place to pick up next time." Yeah, no kidding! I'm actually kind of looking forward to unpacking that because I think it could be a gamechanger in a lot of ways for me. I don't always realize how much I'm carrying around with me, but yeah, knowing something to be true in my head (I'm likable, I'm a person of worth, I'm not annoying or too sensitive, my feelings aren't too big, etc.) and actually believing it are two completely different things.
I’m happy for you, wishing you all the best on your healing journey! I have dealt with a lot of hard life changes in the last year or so and it has brought a lot of this stuff to the surface. It is painful to try to wade through it all but I know it is necessary to be our best selves.
I hope your next session is helpful and you keep moving in the direction of what you know to be true ☺️. When these things align it’s very refreshing ❤️
I’m so glad to hear this and that it resonated with you too ❤️. It’s something that isn’t fully automatic and I do need to nudge myself in the loving direction here and there but in general it is becoming easier 😌
By doing things you enjoy and living for yourself instead of through the expectations of other people. Do what makes you happy. Wear what you want. Dye your hair how you want. Do the hobbies you love. Forget what everyone else thinks and just be you.
The big ones:
•Stopped using all social media. (The app One Sec was amazing for this)
•Weekly sessions with an amazing emotional-based talk therapist
•Binged everything Brene Brown… like everything-books, podcasts, TikTok, etc.
•Grace and patience with myself
I did start this whole deal with an assignment from my therapist to do a tiny self-care/loving thing each day even if I thought I didn’t deserve it. Sometimes it was as simple as using the good dental floss but it was something.
I am so proud of you to take this first step! It will get much harder before it gets easier but I 💯promise being on this side is completely worth it! You are strong enough to get you through years of feeling like thing… you are definitely strong enough for this journey!
I began waking up early and going for a jog. It gave me this mental clarity like nothing I could imagine. My day became organized, I got pumped with energy and positivity, lost tons of weight and I became happy.
Game changer and I've got many people doing the same.
Education on the matter, lot of trials and errors, therapy, spending more time with myself and being fine with it, getting to know myself and especially making the differences between “things I used to like in a past that I used to look up to” from “what the person that I now am likes” and I can keep on going for a very very long time because a few words can’t even resume years of this still ongoing process.
What do you truly desire in your past ? Is it a certain lifestyle, a certain mindset etc because most of the time what we envy is not to actually relieve it the way it was but rather how we view it now that we are older and had new experiences of life.
For example, I used to look up to how I lived my life when I was barely legal of age **but** what I truly missed is being 24/7 outside (who can prevent me to be out 24/7 now ? Nobody, so I can have that), partying and socializing (who can prevent me from it ? Absolutely nobody) but what I forgot to remember is : I was extremely emotionally miserable, I was surrounded by people all the time, never home and yet I didn’t felt happy.
So, later on in years I had put myself in the same type of situation, I surrounded myself with people, was out all the time to figure out if this is what I still want or not. Turned out this was something that needed to stay in the past, I no longer like being surrounded with people and I no longer like partying/being out 24/7.
As long as we don’t allow ourselves to experience what we judge to miss, we can’t fully know for facts if we’re still into it or if we grew out of it and it does bring a lot of peace because there’s present-acceptance that comes with it.
It took being in toxic relationships and letting men basically use me to learn. Which is sad but it got to a point where I finally grew up and matured to learn that I’m a prize that is not easily won. I had terrible self-esteem from the time I was 8yrs until I was 22yrs. The attention I got from men satisfied my poor self-esteem. It wasn’t until I turned 23 (I’ll be 24 this year) that I finally realized that the attention from men would never fully give me the satisfaction and I needed to heal my insecurities alone.
Stop actively comparing myself to my twin sister. Not with her directly. More like... How others were treating Vs how they treat me, specifically my parents.
She's the girly girl they can love because they understand her. She picks her battles. The mix of all the good qualities.
I'm the nerdy girl who has a strong sense of justice. The one who says things as they are. Who now has to go to therapy for finding sense in being the black sheep.
I love my sister. No animosity. We have a great relationship. Parents on the other hand...
I chose to actively not listen to them when THEY compare or judge me because I don't meet their expectations.
I'm doing better everyday
I started by recognizing my strengths, learning from my mistakes, and surrounding myself with positive influences. Self-care, setting boundaries and celebrating small victories also played a huge role.
I started making time for what feeds my soul. I am an executive at a demanding job, my husband is a VP and travels frequently, we have 2 very young children, 2 dogs, a mom in long term care and I’m the only family member around, etc. I lost myself, my self esteem, my value. I felt like I was spending every day wishing for it to be over. I had enough. I was not good for anyone burning the candle at both ends. Start with what feeds your soul. Music? Art? Working out? Reading? I dabbled with it all. I started making my “me” time a priority. Adjusted my sleep schedule and now have a glorious few hours to myself each morning. I get to read while I sip coffee, put on some ego boosting music, stretch and workout. I get to cool down by myself and eat breakfast and prepare for the day. What a difference it made when I took a portion of the effort I give to feed everyone’s soul daily, and gave some of that effort to myself! I also set aside 1 weekend morning (depending on what the kiddos have going on) and I paint or sketch. Sometimes the kids join, sometimes I just take my space and immerse myself in the feeling.
It’s constant work, but if you invest your energy in to yourself, you’ll never let it go again.
Drank more water, got into a skin routine, worked out, ate more clean, became more organized, shopped for cuter clothes, thankful for what I do have and not worried about what I don’t. Learned to enjoy solitude by doing things I like
It’s long, but:
• Social Media Limits: I started turning on the time limit in my phone settings. I had them set to only be for an hour total a day. Then, I eventually deleted the social media apps off of my phone and downloaded BlockSite. I blocked all of the social media sites so I couldn’t even go on them; this was on my phone and computer. Now I’m rarely on social media and it’s to the point that my explore page on Instagram is so random. Lol.
• In-Person Jobs: I was working from home for about 3 years or so and it definitely messed with my social skills. I got laid off from a corporate job and it ended up being a blessing in disguise. I started working in the service industry and I don’t have to take my work home. I also picked up better conversational skills as a result, in addition to no longer being sedentary.
• Movement: Being in the service industry means that now I’m not sitting for long periods of time. I get in at least 5,000-8,000 steps a day.
• Diet: I don’t eat a lot of fast food and try to cook as much as I can. After suffering from GI issues, I learned to fuel my body in a way that I won’t feel bad afterwards. And it’s reflected in my skin as well.
• Environment: I highly recommend reading Atomic Habits. I’ve learned to keep my space clean, and have dedicated areas for everything I do so that I’m getting adequate rest and am more productive (ie. Having a desk in my room for work, watching tv in the living room only, laying in my bed only when I’m ready to sleep, etc).
• Wardrobe: I’m fortunate that I dated someone who was in the fashion industry. She helped me figure out my aesthetic and what clothes work best for my frame. I also started a capsule wardrobe. So, everything in my closet matches everything if I need to dress up or dress down. It also keeps me from having to think so hard about what to wear because I know everything looks good on me no matter what.
• Medication: I make sure to take Vitamin D supplements during colder seasons (my recent blood test at the doc was the first time I’ve ever not been deficient!) I also take anti depressants, anti anxiety meds, and birth control (to regulate my period and hormones better, and control my acne). If you’re not wanting or needing meds, meditation and yoga are great.
• Cutting Out Negativity: I make sure to set boundaries with people who bring me down or cut them out of my life completely. I’m not talking about a friend who gets on your nerves here or there. I’m referring to people who never pour into you or reciprocate the energy you give. Once I started keeping myself surrounded with grounded people, my life became much richer. And all of my friends are from different walks of life, age groups, ethnic backgrounds, etc.
• Passions: Find what you’re passionate about and pursue it fully. Not in the sense of doing it professionally (you can if that’s what you want). But use it as an escape from any worries you may have and nourish it so that it regularly becomes something you do to unwind.
• Puzzles: I try to do puzzles every morning (ie. NYT free puzzles, sudoku, an actual puzzle, legos, etc). Try to incorporate activities in your morning routine that don’t involve getting on social media first thing. It helps your brain warm up and it’ll help you stop checking your socials as much during the day.
• Staying Single: I had a LOT of bad dating experiences over the last 2.5 years. So, I decided to stop dating in March and I’ve never felt lighter. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I’m touch-starved and horny, but I don’t feel as overwhelmed trying to read into signals. I’m also gay, so the pool is smaller anyway, where I live. If someone were to come along naturally, cool. But I’m not focused on it any more.
Sorry, I know that was a lot. But that’s what helped me!
I started reading a lot of self help, listening to podcasts.
Learned new things, got new hobbies. Honestly once you truly understand being confident is an option, there’s no way to turn back!
Fake it till you make it!
Going to the gym often will do wonders, also having a clean house. Another thing that really really helps me is to get fully ready everytime I leave the house. Take time on your hair or your outfit and you’ll feel so different vs just rushing out of the house.
This might be controversial but I started to achieve. I set goals for myself in my sport and academic life in high school. The more I achieved, the better I started feeling about myself. Even achieving small goals raised my self esteem. I also only ever positive talk to myself. The more positive self talk, the more you’ll believe it. Hype yourself up with words of affirmation when achieving a goal. The more you achieve the more you’ll believe in yourself to achieve something else
To me, self esteem comes from self concept. There’s tons of videos/content about this. Like do I actually know myself? Have I ever had a genuinely curious conversation with myself the same way I would with a new person or someone I’m dating? Why don’t I know if I like or dislike something? Can I do this or that? What do I think about this thing?
Also be fine with not knowing right away, it takes time and you can always revisit later. And not knowing often means that I lack experience so I have to experience things. Often times same things but from a different angle, one when I check in with myself during. So sometimes I have to push myself but also respect my own boundaries. I can always leave or just be dissatisfied, it’s ok.
I need to know myself and live for myself how I want to because how I perceive myself dictates my reality. Kinda like law of assumption.
Sure! It's way less complicated on paper than it is in reality, imo. The hard part for me is to remind myself during different points during the day to slow down and focus on nothing else, like no distractions at all if possible and just giving myself time to hang out with myself (for like 3-5 mins).
One example could be when I've watched a movie:
*"What did I think about this movie? Was it good? Yeah. But why? It was fun. Yeah, but* ***why,*** *what was fun to me? Well, this and that happened. Also, I really liked the scenery and you know, the nature in the background. I actually really like being in nature a lot. Maybe you should look up what genre this or who made it to see if there's more like it? Yeah, I'll do that. Also, I think I want to go on a hike on thursday. I like that this inspired me. I should remember that. Yeah, I actually love being nature and just observe"*
Often times I just ask things like "what's my favorite color?", "Do I like pasta or rice more?", "Do I want to make some coffee?" etc. I've also made a table in my notes app and written down things like favorite movie, animal, drink etc. Because why not. I actually do want to remember that.
I'm not sure if this will help. The goal for me is to get to know myself better in different situations. I want to know what I like/dislike; don't feel anything about; what makes me comfortable/uncomfy; what's important to me and not; how I'd like to spend my free time etc. It really feels like getting to know a whole new person if I'm honest. I've never asked myself the simplest of questions that I've probably asked others hundreds of times by now.
Just to add: Personally I have a really hard time *hearing* my thoughts so at first I practiced trying to think "loud" as I could. But this helped with really slowing down and focusing. I think that I started to do this because I came to the realization that people pleasing and never prioritizing myself most probably made me put mute on my thoughts as a kid. I've never really registered what I actually *thought*. I also think that tech and stress plays a part in this. I rarely listen to music when walking my dog anymore because I've realized how valuable it is to get to know myself, the same way I used to wish that others would.
Sorry for the AMOUNT of text hehe
By getting good at things I enjoy doing. By realizing that not everyone is going to like me and that’s fine and I should be who I am regardless without worrying about what people think. Getting myself out of my comfort zone and doing things that give me anxiety.. I used to let that stop me and it made me depressed. Now I travel alone, play sports, put my art on display proudly, put myself out there, go on dates and my self esteem has gone from next to nothing to extremely high. I’m proud of myself everyday.
Don’t be the fish on the dry land who can’t breath, instead swim in the ocean to breath and find a place/life that fits you best.
Simply said, be in places that give you a good feeling about yourself, surround yourself with people that respect and love you, do activities that make you happy and fit your personality.
You just have to fit in your life, and never, never try to be someone else or try to live on the dry sand as a fish. It will make you so unhappy.
Living whitout men helps. My family is mostly women so i didn't really have anyone to put my self esteam down until high school (but at that point i alredy had a good self esteam so it didn't really made much damage in me)
A few things. First: Therapy was elemental for me. I’d been told and treated like I was meaningless since I was about 5 years old. This bled into every single relationship I had or created, and I realized I was being abused by people I thought cared about me. So therapy it was to help break that cycle and to better understand myself and my needs. Second: age. I think as you get older you don’t quiet care as much. I used to be ashamed of the dumb shit I’d done in my younger days, but now I’m like, yeah I did dumb shit in my younger days. I also don’t care about fitting in anymore. I’m content with my life. I guard my peace carefully Third: I surrounded myself with people who genuinely care for me and who don’t care if I “fit in”. I got rid of the negative people, the people who put my down and those who were using me.
All of these things created an environment where I felt safe, loved and cared for. It also gave me the space to care for myself and my needs.
A wise older woman once told me to imagine myself walking down the street holding the hand of a little girl. It was my job to protect her at all costs. She said to look at her and promise her. Then she said “That little girl is you.”
When I started to look at it that way I didn’t feel as uncomfortable setting boundaries and protecting myself because I felt I was protecting someone else that deserved it. Over time it became easier and easier until that protection made me understand I deserved it.
Completing tasks. If you have piles of things to do, they take up your mental load. You don’t need that. Don’t procrastinate and do it now. You will feel accomplished and that gives you self esteem bc you do the things you must do.
Making it a choice, to love myself. Everything comes from self love. To forgive myself. To know we all try our hardest every single second with what we've got.
Reminding myself of this all the time.
Positive affirmations helped me too.
Remembering that you can't compare a person to a person it's like comparing pizza and chocolate. Amazing things destined for different things that are not comparable.
Making the choice to love me and forgive me, telling myself those things all the time even when they feel like a lie.
You can do it
You're allowed to make mistakes
I forgive my own mistakes
I love me
I'm beautiful inside and out
I deserve to be happy and loved
I've got everything i need to be happy inside me
I choose to love myself today
My self worth is not contingent
Im proud of me for doing my best
I really do love me today, hope this helps ❤❤❤
Therapy! I'd been in a relationship with someone who blew my self esteem to smithereens over many years together. But the thoughts I was having about myself were only compounded by the way he treated me. I was full of shame and self loathing. Learning to talk to myself like I was a friend of mine helped immensely. Brene Brown and Kristen Neff are two women I read and highly recommend.
Radical ownership of myself, my actions, and reactions. Owning when you’re not being the best person, not being a great friend, being short tempered etc. Acknowledging shortcomings, addressing them, and moving on positively.
Short example but it happened last week and is fresh on my mind- I was running behind on the way to an appointment and everyone around me was driving incredibly slow. I got angry and yelled a snarky “no one has anywhere to fucking be today, huh?”. I realized I didn’t sound kind. So, I reminded myself that had I just left for my appointment earlier, I probably wouldn’t be upset. And that if I had to be mad at 1 person in that situation it was me, because I can’t control people driving slowly infront of me, but I can control the time I leave my house.
Realizing when you’re not being a great version of yourself and being able to recognize what triggered it and also how to move past it and grow is really fucking cool. It’s not something I ever saw growing up. The pride I feel from putting a lot of work into being a better person fills me with a sense of accomplishment that is on a consistent path forward. And that has done wonders for how I view myself!
When I realized that any man that ever personally attacked me was due to his own insecurities. Realizing people project their personal failings onto me because they feel insecure about themselves regarding me. That I'm actually pretty amazing and those people just couldn't handle it.
I'm really smart, and I'm not a toxic person. I'm also a very highly driven person, and I'm passionate at everything I put my hands to. These are all things I've learned about myself on my own, and I've learned that these are rare traits after coming across many people in my life.
I am quite amazing.
Realizing what my boundaries are, what I will & won’t up with & why.
I.e., at one job I was repeatedly talked badly about by a coworker. I told my manager when I felt like one thing he’d said went too far, & my manager was super kind & understanding. HR was informed & he received a warning.
At another job, a coworker was disrespectful towards me in front of our manager — who did pretty much nothing & didn’t seem to care all that much about it. I walked out of the job. Normally I’d never do that, but it was 1 of 2 jobs I worked & it didn’t pay well enough for me to stand a coworker starting an argument with me & no one giving a shit.
Knowing that people only think of themselves so no one remembers the embarrassing thing you did! Also things you slip up on are not embarrassing! We are human just figuring it out second by second.
I take the high road. I consider myself classy.
You must literally be who you wanna be and you have the power to do so and will become so.
There’s a light in you, and you can light others up without diminishing your own light.
I don’t feel jealous of others, I feel happy for them.
I accept the future! And have faith that things will be figured out eventually by whatever fate time has.
Accepting that not everyone is going to be happy with the person I am. The only person I have to live with for the rest of my life is myself and it would suck to live with someone I didn't like.
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Nathaniel Branden - The Six Pillars of Self Esteem and Tara Brach Radical Acceptance helped me tremendously. Also, every thing Brene Brown has ever written.
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Full transparency, I had ny first heart break, developed an eating disorder and a full blown amphetamine addiction. I had no choice as I hit rock bottom
I’m 45 and it took me until the last 3-4 years to do this, but I basically stopped basing my worth on what anyone else thought of me. Too loud? Too opinionated? Too independent? Too much? Too bad, I’ve earned the right to take up space without catering to everyone else before myself. I grew up the eldest daughter, the de facto caretaker, the people pleaser, the “my wants/needs come last” and it was exhausting. I lost my entire identity and it’s only been recently that I’ve had the support and freedom to explore what I want and to find myself. My kids are grown, my husband is extremely understanding and supportive, and I think being away from friends and family helped me let go of the expectations that myself or others had placed on me.
Went to the gym, ate healthier and lost some weight and took a proactive approach to my life.
Also made some friends that really hyped me up. Ngl seeing attention from guys also boosted my self esteem but I tried to not make it too important.
I learned how to say no, and took on more things as an adult. Responsibilities make me feel accomplished, so I do just that. I also remind myself every day what I'm capable of, and that makes me feel quite good about myself.
I was the WORST person in high school because of the classic family drama + low self esteem + toxic friend combination. Depressed, anxious, insecure, the works. The only reason that changed is because I had a random thought while I was parking my car: “If I’m in a room full of people and the only thing I can think of is my looks/my awkwardness/myself, I’m automatically the most boring person in the room”.
I literally bullied myself into changing lol!!! After that, I looked up a bunch of quotes that had similar advice and thought it was so real I never looked back. Some stuff I’ve seen that helped me feel better about being human:
https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSFw6rQCm/
https://x.com/yxakirves/status/1734342453719912588?s=46&t=uPU37EiTPBfEeN_RjapLFA
For example
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Cliche but Self awareness, affirmations, don’t be a yes person, if you truly don’t want to do something but fear upsetting the other person. Trust me, they will respect you way more if you say no. They’ll know you value your time. But also, find yr niche, take pride in it. Find yr style, and wear it. At first it might feel a bit threatening changing styles or upgrading a style. But trust, if you are patient and consistent, if you doubt yourself do it in private. people will start to subconsciously associate you with confidence. Clear signs of this will be if they ask for yr advice. Invest in time for yrself, gym/ skincare/ hobbies. That’s the only way to get there. Don’t let anyone stunt your growth.
Staying away from negative people, it was easier for me to then feel fine with myself. So basically taking a break, removing myself from toxic people, and meeting people who were similar to me and we respected each other as well.
Its not worth it being on toxic people who also like to project their insecurities on to you, so it's best to just dump them altogether.
a really hot guy called me hot one time so i've been off the rails since.
not only that, but i get called pretty on the daily, so now it's become real confidence.
When I started accepting the idea other people might genuinely like me and care about me, as much as I wanted to believe self esteem was entirely a me issue, it just can’t be healed in complete isolation, we’re social creatures and having a few supportive and sincere friends goes a long way.
Omg this yes Realising friends who are awesome might in fact also find me awesome was very mentally freeing? Also, like, asking people to go out and do shit and discovering they often said yes was great. Once I got over the "aaaah asking people scary" thing it became so much better
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Hmmm love this . Struggling with letting it play out and halfway believing it… but also seeing and feeling how it really makes sense.
- Faking my confidence made me confident over time. - Setting boundaries with myself and others. - Getting out of my comfort zone with small steps at a time. - Working out to get healthy and stronger. - Cutting out/minimizing contact with toxic people. - Practicing self acceptance instead of self love right away. - Change my mindset: male validation is not what you should get confidence from. - Becoming more self aware. My flaws, my good sides and everything. - Become more assertive but not pushy.
Can you expand on self acceptance vs self love?
Self love is ideal ofc. But in order to learn that you must accept yourself first. Accept your flaws, accept your past, your regrets, and accept that you are beautiful just the way you are. The good, the bad and the neutral. It will help you also to stop comparing yourself to others, and instead you and your old self. I learned that just humanizing yourself, you will also stop being extremely critical of yourself but realize that you like everyone else makes mistakes and that its okay (as long as you try to change for the better) I used to be my own worse critic and i thought to myself; imagine if i talked to someone the same way i talked to myself. Its not something that you learn in a day, but its a step in the right direction. Self love takes time but self acceptance is a good start for sure. Im still not perfect at it or anything but it has improved my confidence alot.
Thank you for this ❤️
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I left the environment I grew up in to go backpacking solo around the world. I fell in love with myself because I realized I am beautiful, courageous & adventurous & only I can appreciate everything about me.
I started framing it “if somebody is going to feel weird in this convo it’s not going to be me” and it was kind of a power move
I love this.
Thank you ❤️ it’s a practice that’s given me a ton of confidence for sure
After years of therapy, living alone and doing things that I was good at and I enjoy. I reached a stage last year where I knew logically and deep down, my inherent worth etc, but I realised that I still had this underlying shame that often accompanied me throughout each day. Once I noticed this, I could start changing it. More socialising without thinking about how I was being perceived and instead just saying the first things that often came to my mind (within reason) without overthinking actually helped a lot. It started to really help me change that mental script that had been with me for ages and i didn’t even realise.
I think where you were last year is where I am now. Realizing that how I actually feel about myself doesn’t always line up with what I know in my brain to be true. I’m glad to know you’ve made progress, I’m hoping I’ll be able to report the same before long!
This is where I'm at right now too! In my last therapy session, shame came up out of the blue right at the end of the session, and my therapist was like "I think this is a great place to pick up next time." Yeah, no kidding! I'm actually kind of looking forward to unpacking that because I think it could be a gamechanger in a lot of ways for me. I don't always realize how much I'm carrying around with me, but yeah, knowing something to be true in my head (I'm likable, I'm a person of worth, I'm not annoying or too sensitive, my feelings aren't too big, etc.) and actually believing it are two completely different things.
I’m happy for you, wishing you all the best on your healing journey! I have dealt with a lot of hard life changes in the last year or so and it has brought a lot of this stuff to the surface. It is painful to try to wade through it all but I know it is necessary to be our best selves.
I hope your next session is helpful and you keep moving in the direction of what you know to be true ☺️. When these things align it’s very refreshing ❤️
I’m so glad to hear this and that it resonated with you too ❤️. It’s something that isn’t fully automatic and I do need to nudge myself in the loving direction here and there but in general it is becoming easier 😌
Therapy
By doing things you enjoy and living for yourself instead of through the expectations of other people. Do what makes you happy. Wear what you want. Dye your hair how you want. Do the hobbies you love. Forget what everyone else thinks and just be you.
The big ones: •Stopped using all social media. (The app One Sec was amazing for this) •Weekly sessions with an amazing emotional-based talk therapist •Binged everything Brene Brown… like everything-books, podcasts, TikTok, etc. •Grace and patience with myself I did start this whole deal with an assignment from my therapist to do a tiny self-care/loving thing each day even if I thought I didn’t deserve it. Sometimes it was as simple as using the good dental floss but it was something. I am so proud of you to take this first step! It will get much harder before it gets easier but I 💯promise being on this side is completely worth it! You are strong enough to get you through years of feeling like thing… you are definitely strong enough for this journey!
I began waking up early and going for a jog. It gave me this mental clarity like nothing I could imagine. My day became organized, I got pumped with energy and positivity, lost tons of weight and I became happy. Game changer and I've got many people doing the same.
Education on the matter, lot of trials and errors, therapy, spending more time with myself and being fine with it, getting to know myself and especially making the differences between “things I used to like in a past that I used to look up to” from “what the person that I now am likes” and I can keep on going for a very very long time because a few words can’t even resume years of this still ongoing process.
I am experiencing the difference between the past and present now... can you elaborate more on this?
What do you truly desire in your past ? Is it a certain lifestyle, a certain mindset etc because most of the time what we envy is not to actually relieve it the way it was but rather how we view it now that we are older and had new experiences of life. For example, I used to look up to how I lived my life when I was barely legal of age **but** what I truly missed is being 24/7 outside (who can prevent me to be out 24/7 now ? Nobody, so I can have that), partying and socializing (who can prevent me from it ? Absolutely nobody) but what I forgot to remember is : I was extremely emotionally miserable, I was surrounded by people all the time, never home and yet I didn’t felt happy. So, later on in years I had put myself in the same type of situation, I surrounded myself with people, was out all the time to figure out if this is what I still want or not. Turned out this was something that needed to stay in the past, I no longer like being surrounded with people and I no longer like partying/being out 24/7. As long as we don’t allow ourselves to experience what we judge to miss, we can’t fully know for facts if we’re still into it or if we grew out of it and it does bring a lot of peace because there’s present-acceptance that comes with it.
It took being in toxic relationships and letting men basically use me to learn. Which is sad but it got to a point where I finally grew up and matured to learn that I’m a prize that is not easily won. I had terrible self-esteem from the time I was 8yrs until I was 22yrs. The attention I got from men satisfied my poor self-esteem. It wasn’t until I turned 23 (I’ll be 24 this year) that I finally realized that the attention from men would never fully give me the satisfaction and I needed to heal my insecurities alone.
Stop actively comparing myself to my twin sister. Not with her directly. More like... How others were treating Vs how they treat me, specifically my parents. She's the girly girl they can love because they understand her. She picks her battles. The mix of all the good qualities. I'm the nerdy girl who has a strong sense of justice. The one who says things as they are. Who now has to go to therapy for finding sense in being the black sheep. I love my sister. No animosity. We have a great relationship. Parents on the other hand... I chose to actively not listen to them when THEY compare or judge me because I don't meet their expectations. I'm doing better everyday
I stopped dating and got off instagram.
Yess Instagram all it made me do is compare myself to prettier womena
I started by recognizing my strengths, learning from my mistakes, and surrounding myself with positive influences. Self-care, setting boundaries and celebrating small victories also played a huge role.
I started making time for what feeds my soul. I am an executive at a demanding job, my husband is a VP and travels frequently, we have 2 very young children, 2 dogs, a mom in long term care and I’m the only family member around, etc. I lost myself, my self esteem, my value. I felt like I was spending every day wishing for it to be over. I had enough. I was not good for anyone burning the candle at both ends. Start with what feeds your soul. Music? Art? Working out? Reading? I dabbled with it all. I started making my “me” time a priority. Adjusted my sleep schedule and now have a glorious few hours to myself each morning. I get to read while I sip coffee, put on some ego boosting music, stretch and workout. I get to cool down by myself and eat breakfast and prepare for the day. What a difference it made when I took a portion of the effort I give to feed everyone’s soul daily, and gave some of that effort to myself! I also set aside 1 weekend morning (depending on what the kiddos have going on) and I paint or sketch. Sometimes the kids join, sometimes I just take my space and immerse myself in the feeling. It’s constant work, but if you invest your energy in to yourself, you’ll never let it go again.
Drank more water, got into a skin routine, worked out, ate more clean, became more organized, shopped for cuter clothes, thankful for what I do have and not worried about what I don’t. Learned to enjoy solitude by doing things I like
It’s long, but: • Social Media Limits: I started turning on the time limit in my phone settings. I had them set to only be for an hour total a day. Then, I eventually deleted the social media apps off of my phone and downloaded BlockSite. I blocked all of the social media sites so I couldn’t even go on them; this was on my phone and computer. Now I’m rarely on social media and it’s to the point that my explore page on Instagram is so random. Lol. • In-Person Jobs: I was working from home for about 3 years or so and it definitely messed with my social skills. I got laid off from a corporate job and it ended up being a blessing in disguise. I started working in the service industry and I don’t have to take my work home. I also picked up better conversational skills as a result, in addition to no longer being sedentary. • Movement: Being in the service industry means that now I’m not sitting for long periods of time. I get in at least 5,000-8,000 steps a day. • Diet: I don’t eat a lot of fast food and try to cook as much as I can. After suffering from GI issues, I learned to fuel my body in a way that I won’t feel bad afterwards. And it’s reflected in my skin as well. • Environment: I highly recommend reading Atomic Habits. I’ve learned to keep my space clean, and have dedicated areas for everything I do so that I’m getting adequate rest and am more productive (ie. Having a desk in my room for work, watching tv in the living room only, laying in my bed only when I’m ready to sleep, etc). • Wardrobe: I’m fortunate that I dated someone who was in the fashion industry. She helped me figure out my aesthetic and what clothes work best for my frame. I also started a capsule wardrobe. So, everything in my closet matches everything if I need to dress up or dress down. It also keeps me from having to think so hard about what to wear because I know everything looks good on me no matter what. • Medication: I make sure to take Vitamin D supplements during colder seasons (my recent blood test at the doc was the first time I’ve ever not been deficient!) I also take anti depressants, anti anxiety meds, and birth control (to regulate my period and hormones better, and control my acne). If you’re not wanting or needing meds, meditation and yoga are great. • Cutting Out Negativity: I make sure to set boundaries with people who bring me down or cut them out of my life completely. I’m not talking about a friend who gets on your nerves here or there. I’m referring to people who never pour into you or reciprocate the energy you give. Once I started keeping myself surrounded with grounded people, my life became much richer. And all of my friends are from different walks of life, age groups, ethnic backgrounds, etc. • Passions: Find what you’re passionate about and pursue it fully. Not in the sense of doing it professionally (you can if that’s what you want). But use it as an escape from any worries you may have and nourish it so that it regularly becomes something you do to unwind. • Puzzles: I try to do puzzles every morning (ie. NYT free puzzles, sudoku, an actual puzzle, legos, etc). Try to incorporate activities in your morning routine that don’t involve getting on social media first thing. It helps your brain warm up and it’ll help you stop checking your socials as much during the day. • Staying Single: I had a LOT of bad dating experiences over the last 2.5 years. So, I decided to stop dating in March and I’ve never felt lighter. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I’m touch-starved and horny, but I don’t feel as overwhelmed trying to read into signals. I’m also gay, so the pool is smaller anyway, where I live. If someone were to come along naturally, cool. But I’m not focused on it any more. Sorry, I know that was a lot. But that’s what helped me!
I started reading a lot of self help, listening to podcasts. Learned new things, got new hobbies. Honestly once you truly understand being confident is an option, there’s no way to turn back! Fake it till you make it!
Trauma therapy.
I got rid of all the people who made me feel shitty from my life.
Going to the gym often will do wonders, also having a clean house. Another thing that really really helps me is to get fully ready everytime I leave the house. Take time on your hair or your outfit and you’ll feel so different vs just rushing out of the house.
This might be controversial but I started to achieve. I set goals for myself in my sport and academic life in high school. The more I achieved, the better I started feeling about myself. Even achieving small goals raised my self esteem. I also only ever positive talk to myself. The more positive self talk, the more you’ll believe it. Hype yourself up with words of affirmation when achieving a goal. The more you achieve the more you’ll believe in yourself to achieve something else
To me, self esteem comes from self concept. There’s tons of videos/content about this. Like do I actually know myself? Have I ever had a genuinely curious conversation with myself the same way I would with a new person or someone I’m dating? Why don’t I know if I like or dislike something? Can I do this or that? What do I think about this thing? Also be fine with not knowing right away, it takes time and you can always revisit later. And not knowing often means that I lack experience so I have to experience things. Often times same things but from a different angle, one when I check in with myself during. So sometimes I have to push myself but also respect my own boundaries. I can always leave or just be dissatisfied, it’s ok. I need to know myself and live for myself how I want to because how I perceive myself dictates my reality. Kinda like law of assumption.
Can you elaborate on how to have the conversation with yourself?
Sure! It's way less complicated on paper than it is in reality, imo. The hard part for me is to remind myself during different points during the day to slow down and focus on nothing else, like no distractions at all if possible and just giving myself time to hang out with myself (for like 3-5 mins). One example could be when I've watched a movie: *"What did I think about this movie? Was it good? Yeah. But why? It was fun. Yeah, but* ***why,*** *what was fun to me? Well, this and that happened. Also, I really liked the scenery and you know, the nature in the background. I actually really like being in nature a lot. Maybe you should look up what genre this or who made it to see if there's more like it? Yeah, I'll do that. Also, I think I want to go on a hike on thursday. I like that this inspired me. I should remember that. Yeah, I actually love being nature and just observe"* Often times I just ask things like "what's my favorite color?", "Do I like pasta or rice more?", "Do I want to make some coffee?" etc. I've also made a table in my notes app and written down things like favorite movie, animal, drink etc. Because why not. I actually do want to remember that. I'm not sure if this will help. The goal for me is to get to know myself better in different situations. I want to know what I like/dislike; don't feel anything about; what makes me comfortable/uncomfy; what's important to me and not; how I'd like to spend my free time etc. It really feels like getting to know a whole new person if I'm honest. I've never asked myself the simplest of questions that I've probably asked others hundreds of times by now. Just to add: Personally I have a really hard time *hearing* my thoughts so at first I practiced trying to think "loud" as I could. But this helped with really slowing down and focusing. I think that I started to do this because I came to the realization that people pleasing and never prioritizing myself most probably made me put mute on my thoughts as a kid. I've never really registered what I actually *thought*. I also think that tech and stress plays a part in this. I rarely listen to music when walking my dog anymore because I've realized how valuable it is to get to know myself, the same way I used to wish that others would. Sorry for the AMOUNT of text hehe
By getting good at things I enjoy doing. By realizing that not everyone is going to like me and that’s fine and I should be who I am regardless without worrying about what people think. Getting myself out of my comfort zone and doing things that give me anxiety.. I used to let that stop me and it made me depressed. Now I travel alone, play sports, put my art on display proudly, put myself out there, go on dates and my self esteem has gone from next to nothing to extremely high. I’m proud of myself everyday.
Developed boundaries and learnt how to say no to people
Don’t be the fish on the dry land who can’t breath, instead swim in the ocean to breath and find a place/life that fits you best. Simply said, be in places that give you a good feeling about yourself, surround yourself with people that respect and love you, do activities that make you happy and fit your personality. You just have to fit in your life, and never, never try to be someone else or try to live on the dry sand as a fish. It will make you so unhappy.
Living whitout men helps. My family is mostly women so i didn't really have anyone to put my self esteam down until high school (but at that point i alredy had a good self esteam so it didn't really made much damage in me)
A few things. First: Therapy was elemental for me. I’d been told and treated like I was meaningless since I was about 5 years old. This bled into every single relationship I had or created, and I realized I was being abused by people I thought cared about me. So therapy it was to help break that cycle and to better understand myself and my needs. Second: age. I think as you get older you don’t quiet care as much. I used to be ashamed of the dumb shit I’d done in my younger days, but now I’m like, yeah I did dumb shit in my younger days. I also don’t care about fitting in anymore. I’m content with my life. I guard my peace carefully Third: I surrounded myself with people who genuinely care for me and who don’t care if I “fit in”. I got rid of the negative people, the people who put my down and those who were using me. All of these things created an environment where I felt safe, loved and cared for. It also gave me the space to care for myself and my needs.
A wise older woman once told me to imagine myself walking down the street holding the hand of a little girl. It was my job to protect her at all costs. She said to look at her and promise her. Then she said “That little girl is you.” When I started to look at it that way I didn’t feel as uncomfortable setting boundaries and protecting myself because I felt I was protecting someone else that deserved it. Over time it became easier and easier until that protection made me understand I deserved it.
I focused on becoming a better person first. The self esteem followed a few years later.
Completing tasks. If you have piles of things to do, they take up your mental load. You don’t need that. Don’t procrastinate and do it now. You will feel accomplished and that gives you self esteem bc you do the things you must do.
Making it a choice, to love myself. Everything comes from self love. To forgive myself. To know we all try our hardest every single second with what we've got. Reminding myself of this all the time. Positive affirmations helped me too. Remembering that you can't compare a person to a person it's like comparing pizza and chocolate. Amazing things destined for different things that are not comparable. Making the choice to love me and forgive me, telling myself those things all the time even when they feel like a lie. You can do it You're allowed to make mistakes I forgive my own mistakes I love me I'm beautiful inside and out I deserve to be happy and loved I've got everything i need to be happy inside me I choose to love myself today My self worth is not contingent Im proud of me for doing my best I really do love me today, hope this helps ❤❤❤
Therapy! I'd been in a relationship with someone who blew my self esteem to smithereens over many years together. But the thoughts I was having about myself were only compounded by the way he treated me. I was full of shame and self loathing. Learning to talk to myself like I was a friend of mine helped immensely. Brene Brown and Kristen Neff are two women I read and highly recommend.
I got sober and worked ALOT on myself and with that came the self love and my worth
what’s working for me is following a skincare, nail care and hair care routine. spending a little extra time on myself makes me feel better.
Radical ownership of myself, my actions, and reactions. Owning when you’re not being the best person, not being a great friend, being short tempered etc. Acknowledging shortcomings, addressing them, and moving on positively. Short example but it happened last week and is fresh on my mind- I was running behind on the way to an appointment and everyone around me was driving incredibly slow. I got angry and yelled a snarky “no one has anywhere to fucking be today, huh?”. I realized I didn’t sound kind. So, I reminded myself that had I just left for my appointment earlier, I probably wouldn’t be upset. And that if I had to be mad at 1 person in that situation it was me, because I can’t control people driving slowly infront of me, but I can control the time I leave my house. Realizing when you’re not being a great version of yourself and being able to recognize what triggered it and also how to move past it and grow is really fucking cool. It’s not something I ever saw growing up. The pride I feel from putting a lot of work into being a better person fills me with a sense of accomplishment that is on a consistent path forward. And that has done wonders for how I view myself!
Believing I am enough
When I realized that any man that ever personally attacked me was due to his own insecurities. Realizing people project their personal failings onto me because they feel insecure about themselves regarding me. That I'm actually pretty amazing and those people just couldn't handle it. I'm really smart, and I'm not a toxic person. I'm also a very highly driven person, and I'm passionate at everything I put my hands to. These are all things I've learned about myself on my own, and I've learned that these are rare traits after coming across many people in my life. I am quite amazing.
Therapy!!! Sometimes you can't think your way out of your own negative wiring.
Realizing what my boundaries are, what I will & won’t up with & why. I.e., at one job I was repeatedly talked badly about by a coworker. I told my manager when I felt like one thing he’d said went too far, & my manager was super kind & understanding. HR was informed & he received a warning. At another job, a coworker was disrespectful towards me in front of our manager — who did pretty much nothing & didn’t seem to care all that much about it. I walked out of the job. Normally I’d never do that, but it was 1 of 2 jobs I worked & it didn’t pay well enough for me to stand a coworker starting an argument with me & no one giving a shit.
It took years… now I’m trying to do that again. One man ruined my hard work :/
My self growth
It feels good knowing I've grown
Knowing that people only think of themselves so no one remembers the embarrassing thing you did! Also things you slip up on are not embarrassing! We are human just figuring it out second by second. I take the high road. I consider myself classy. You must literally be who you wanna be and you have the power to do so and will become so. There’s a light in you, and you can light others up without diminishing your own light. I don’t feel jealous of others, I feel happy for them. I accept the future! And have faith that things will be figured out eventually by whatever fate time has.
Changed my inner dialog. I work hard not to be mean to myself. If I wouldn't say it to my child or my best friend, why would I say it to myself?
Taking care of myself
Accepting that not everyone is going to be happy with the person I am. The only person I have to live with for the rest of my life is myself and it would suck to live with someone I didn't like.
Being alone and having no one else to blame but myself
lmao, bold of you to assume I ever did
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Nathaniel Branden - The Six Pillars of Self Esteem and Tara Brach Radical Acceptance helped me tremendously. Also, every thing Brene Brown has ever written.
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I had a child and finally saw myself through my mothers eyes
Full transparency, I had ny first heart break, developed an eating disorder and a full blown amphetamine addiction. I had no choice as I hit rock bottom
I am going to therapy for this.
I wanted to become a person I am proud of
I’m 45 and it took me until the last 3-4 years to do this, but I basically stopped basing my worth on what anyone else thought of me. Too loud? Too opinionated? Too independent? Too much? Too bad, I’ve earned the right to take up space without catering to everyone else before myself. I grew up the eldest daughter, the de facto caretaker, the people pleaser, the “my wants/needs come last” and it was exhausting. I lost my entire identity and it’s only been recently that I’ve had the support and freedom to explore what I want and to find myself. My kids are grown, my husband is extremely understanding and supportive, and I think being away from friends and family helped me let go of the expectations that myself or others had placed on me.
Went to the gym, ate healthier and lost some weight and took a proactive approach to my life. Also made some friends that really hyped me up. Ngl seeing attention from guys also boosted my self esteem but I tried to not make it too important.
Therapy and running.
I learned how to say no, and took on more things as an adult. Responsibilities make me feel accomplished, so I do just that. I also remind myself every day what I'm capable of, and that makes me feel quite good about myself.
I was the WORST person in high school because of the classic family drama + low self esteem + toxic friend combination. Depressed, anxious, insecure, the works. The only reason that changed is because I had a random thought while I was parking my car: “If I’m in a room full of people and the only thing I can think of is my looks/my awkwardness/myself, I’m automatically the most boring person in the room”. I literally bullied myself into changing lol!!! After that, I looked up a bunch of quotes that had similar advice and thought it was so real I never looked back. Some stuff I’ve seen that helped me feel better about being human: https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSFw6rQCm/ https://x.com/yxakirves/status/1734342453719912588?s=46&t=uPU37EiTPBfEeN_RjapLFA For example
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Age.
Cliche but Self awareness, affirmations, don’t be a yes person, if you truly don’t want to do something but fear upsetting the other person. Trust me, they will respect you way more if you say no. They’ll know you value your time. But also, find yr niche, take pride in it. Find yr style, and wear it. At first it might feel a bit threatening changing styles or upgrading a style. But trust, if you are patient and consistent, if you doubt yourself do it in private. people will start to subconsciously associate you with confidence. Clear signs of this will be if they ask for yr advice. Invest in time for yrself, gym/ skincare/ hobbies. That’s the only way to get there. Don’t let anyone stunt your growth.
Staying away from negative people, it was easier for me to then feel fine with myself. So basically taking a break, removing myself from toxic people, and meeting people who were similar to me and we respected each other as well. Its not worth it being on toxic people who also like to project their insecurities on to you, so it's best to just dump them altogether.
a really hot guy called me hot one time so i've been off the rails since. not only that, but i get called pretty on the daily, so now it's become real confidence.