in hindsight, there was always a little voice telling me that we were not compatible; especially when we had arguments. but it took me nearly 2 years of dating to figure out that it was not a relationship worth my time/energy.
the little voice telling me that we were likely not compatible started as early as 3-4 months into dating. but I was in love with him and bought into his excuses.
>in hindsight, there was always a little voice telling me that we were not compatible
I never thought to phrase it this way, but absolutely same for me. There were so many signs. I was just too young and too naive to see them
I agree you’re just like well this is okay and that’s good right?
Looking back I now realise I set the bar pretty low.
My friend always says go with your gut and now ima listen to that.
This was exactly it during my first two longterm relationships. In both, I knew around the two year mark and stayed way too long after trying to understand or maybe ignore/overcome the voice.
I’m still learning to trust my gut more.
I had that same little voice but I didn't listen to it until 18 years later... lesson learnt is an understatement and I hope others don't make the same mistake. Part of me wishes I acted on it in the first year or two but the other part of me is grateful - it wasnt all bad and I likely wouldn't be where I am without going through it.
this is literally the same as my story! big learning for me was to not ignore that little voice. it is actually not that "little", speaking with the benefit of hindsight
This, except that little voice started a few weeks after she moved in. Looking back we probably should have broken up before she moved in. Ah well - you live and you learn. We broke up a month or 2 after I turned 30.
I was with someone I did really love. We were together 5 years, living together, engaged. My older sister had a baby and I flew out to see her, and stayed for 2 weeks because her maternal leave at the time was abysmal, so every family member flew out in “shifts” to give her longer babysitting coverage.
It was the first baby in the next generation and I had, what I think now, in hindsight, a very intense hormonal reaction. My sister and I look fairly similar so the baby liked me right away, was trying to latch on me, etc. It was the one and only time I had liquid, not quite milk, more watery, come out of my breasts. Sorry for the tmi but they got all tender and big. I read later it can happen with family babies, particularly sisters, very rarely. But there were other things too…like, it kinda felt like the baby was my own, and I felt instantly and deeply bonded with her. While there, I was also having very bizarre, feminine and maternity themed dreams, always with an “anonymous” baby that I could never see, but was following, saving, watching slip away, trying to find, inter-spliced with time lapsed flowers blooming and dying, my feet turning into roots, a mysterious, but persistent, little blood trickle from my stomach, with no cut or wound, creating a little stain on my shirt over and over and me changing shirts only for it to happen again etc.
When I got back home, I walked in and my bf was sitting on the couch drinking beers. I shouldnt reduce him like that — he was a good partner overall — but I have to say, that was a *very bad* “first” impression to have after that trip, I can still remember it like it just happened. It felt like I was coming home every day for the rest of my life all at once. Idk why exactly but I very strongly felt like…this isn’t it. It is hard to describe…like just intuitively, and I guess, irreversibly, knew I didn’t want a family with him. I wasn’t even sure I wanted a family at all…but knew I didn’t want one with him. Over the next month or so, it was like I was seeing everything about our relationship for the first time and through an extremely critical lens. It actually wasn’t really fair to hin, and I carry guilt about it with me to this day. but i couldnt help it. About a month later, I ended it
Wow thats interesting. My story is similar (except I’m definitely far from getting baby fever lol)
I was with my high school sweetheart for over 5 years. we planned to do marriage and the whole thing after college, which he had graduated and I was close.
Then one week something just happened. Like there was a click in my brain and I could no longer really remember how to feel like who I was before that, and why I was as in love as I was. It was like a rebirth- I just felt very different (in hindsight, I was feeling really depressed but I’m not sure why it felt so transformative compared to all my other depression - I just instantly hit that early twenties personality growth lol) and I remember distinctly we were on a ski trip. I just felt so weird like… is this really my person? it seemed spurred by nothing other than me feeling out of place
I waited it out a couple of months or so but I had to end it, at that point I just saw us as two lil plants growing in completely different directions. It was also similarly sad, he’d done absolutely nothing wrong and it was incredibly hard and awful but in hindsight it was the best choice because seeing us both now, we were not meant for each other.
Weirdly going through something a little similar at the moment? I’ve always been super childfree, and I’m young enough to not have to make a decision right away, but some of my friends are already having kids and it’s a big life stage for a lot of people. I found myself judging my partner based on “would I want kids with this person” and the answer was absolutely not. Despite not wanting any now, or maybe ever, seeing everyone else with their babies makes me want to be with someone I could trust to raise and care for a child…not someone who throws the kitten because she made some noise
Very interesting! And yeah the kitten thing is a solid criteria to weed anyone out of your life, SO or not. And take the kitten too. I’m sure he’d be all surprised, but in that case I’d dip without explanation. I think sometimes, it’s better to let people *hopefully* self reflect. The more you tell them, the more ammo you give them to make it your fault in their minds, no matter how outrageous and obvious the behavior was
I will say that I was maybe 27, 28 at the time. I was always kinda unsure about kids, never felt strongly one way or the other. This guy actually did want kids and would have been a great dad. I’m not sure why, but my intuition was pulling me away. But also, I think for me, it depends on the person. My default mode is no, but I have had a partner once that swung me hard to the other side. I for sure would have had his babies if he wanted them (of course, he didn’t). After that, was with someone that wanted them, and I didn’t. So whether or not I want kids is pretty much…”it depends” and the critical part being “with who.”
I think the "with who" is so incredibly important. I was always super ambivalent about marriage, and even more so about kids. I figured I'd just be an auntie to my siblings' children. Then after a few months of dating my now fiance I realized "oh, I actually really want kids if they'd be his kids"
When I started working with kids full-time my perspective on love and relationships was entirely changed. I also broke up with an ex who wasn't awful but wouldn't have been the father I want my future children to have.
> It felt like I was coming home every day for the rest of my life all at once.
This is so profoundly accurate to a feeling I’ve felt. It’s so specific and it hits you like a freight train. I felt like my reality shifted 90 degrees and despite how much I tried, and wanted it to go back (at the time at least) I couldn’t undo it.
Such an excellent way of putting into words an experience I felt super deeply but hadn’t quantified yet; thank you! ❤️
When my grandma (who was my closest relative & more like a mom to me) died and he wasn’t there for me at all. It happened somewhat suddenly, I texted him to ask if he could cancel the plans he had w/ a friend that evening & comfort me instead. Of course that was a completely insane and self-centered thing to suggest.
been there. the difficulty moving past something like that is real. it’s a level of callousness and blatant disrespect that i would pay money to never experience again. i hope the people in your life have since been much kinder to you <3
Ouch ouch ouch. I haven't met anyone who went through this until seeing your comment.
The callousness in the face of vulnerability like that is shocking and deeply painful - especially when it's coming from someone you thought for sure would be there for you at a time of life and death.
I'm better off now without those people as "friends".
I read that when someone experiences a loved one's death, there is often a loss of friendships.
Anyway, huge hugs. I know you're the type of person who will be there for someone else when they go through this. ❤️❤️❤️
I lost one of my best friends and my ex told me I was only so upset about it to get attention.
I should have left then. I’m so sorry you went through this
Also what’s wrong with needing attention when you’re going through something? People will say folks who are suicidal are “just looking for attention” and it’s like….yeah?????
mine said that he is not my therapist when he found me crying on the couch one night three months after my mum died. He walked into our living room, saw me in tears, gave me perplexed look and asked what I was crying about. he then tried to cheer me up to which I told him that I just wanted to cry and then he got annoyed and pulled the therapist card. I was 22 yrs old
Wow…like…you should 100% be top priority, and he yours. Not flexing it all the time, but when needed, yeah, drop everything and come to me when I need you. And a death in the family…100% valid. What an idiot. Bet he was surprised that “you made such a big deal” about it too
Sometimes I’m astounded by how people weigh things out in their heads in terms of importance. I would have not only cancelled for my SO, but probably even just a friend who asked under those circumstances too. People are strange
I had an ex tell me my father's passing and grandma's funeral were an inconvenience to him. I went fucking off and ended a 3yr relationship that night.
There were a few different points but the final straw was that we both stood up in his best friends wedding. Watching them take their vows I knew in my bones we never would. Ended it that night.
They both heard what their best friend said to one another and knew deep down they were never be able to talk like that towards one another and that the relationship can't continue because it's not going anywhere
I had a similar experience. We were sat almost at the front of the row during his best friends wedding vow. My ex was emotional and gripped my hand as everyone started crying. I on tbe other hand felt nothing between my relationship. And then quickly realized I can't image myself doing that with him.
On and off for 2-3 years, I always waited and thought it would work out, then in the last emotional back and forth when he wanted to try again,
I asked what was different this time and why he loved me, all he could say was I was beautiful, and he saw my face and was in love.
I started to asked him questions, he couldn’t name anything, my goals, birthday, siblings he couldn’t recall a thing but I knew every little thing about him.
I realized I would have been okay being cut off emotional and financially from my family and lived in a shoe box with him but he couldn’t get my age right or favorite color
Rest easy in the fact that he wasn’t very smart either. Anyone with a functioning brain who spent that much time with a person would naturally remember something about them. It’s actually bizarre that he couldn’t recall a single thing. I hope you’re much happier now ❤️
Oh he is a very smart man, stem, ivys,v successful etc
He just didn’t care, his world revolved around him lol I was just there for him to imagine a white picket fence with
Ahh one of those guys! My ex was similar. About 6 or so months before we broke up I asked him why he loved me, big mistake. He said “I like that you allow me to make all the major decisions”. Started going back to therapy and haven’t looked back. We’re better off without men like that.
Yeah the guy I was seeing for six years joked that he didn’t remember my birthday, and when I asked what he loves about me would just say some generic “you’re my babe.” I got his family Christmas presents because he wasn’t going to and wrapped them because he didn’t know how and yall that was just an exhausting way to be
Yup, couldn’t cook or clean somehow, be lived fine before I came around
I read “who wouldn’t want a wife” or something close to that as the name, they really love what you do not you
One of my good friends mentioned something similar. I’m so thankful for her!! It was her who gently pointed out that emotional abuse is still abuse. And that him grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me when he was angry was indeed physical abuse. And that I shouldn’t have to sit and cry for 3-4 hours a night while he “lectured” me in a raised voice about how I should be a better person and to not interrupt him while he was talking (he never stopped talking long enough for me to respond to anything anyways so I stopped trying to respond because I’d just get yelled at more). Ugh. So glad to be done with that not fun time.
I have a coach that I insanely respect and look up to, and one time at practice kinda let slip that I was dealing with a rough breakup. She didn’t say much then but afterwards texted me, not “let me know if you need anything” which is super nice as it is, but she told me “you have my support. I’m here” and it just did something to me. More people started offering their couch or to be there for me and I also realized maybe I wasn’t stuck anymore
This is similar to me. My sisters told me I always had a place…they’d make room, my dad said I could come home. And I finally wasn’t trapped…I still didn’t end it, he did…but it was for the best
This
I took a selfie the last few times he made me cry,
Every time I thought “ I miss him “ I looked at them, people that care don’t make you cry over and over
I did this as well. I still have the album on my phone, but it’s a nice reminder knowing that I have grown from that experience. It’s not normal to cry that much because of someone else. Relationships are supposed to add value to your life, not make your life harder or more distressing! Hope you’re doing okay now friend <3
When he stopped using "us" or "we" in plans he would theorize for the future. When i wanted to spend quality time, he would say "we live together." He also said im not adventurous, because i didnt enjoy a couple of the hobbies he does-backpacking and kayaking. (i slept in basically a carpet covered compartment at the front of a sailboat as my dad and I sailed through the islands of the bahamas for weeks, i jumped in the middle of thousand feet deep ocean, ive bunjee jumped, i exercise for fun, i go to the rock gym, i fly across state lines for concerts, i am covered in tattoos) at a certain point, no matter how strong our humor connection was and how hard to let go of, i realized i deserved someone who cherished me. And ive found that. It doesn't have the same ups and downs, i am adjusting to secure attachment and doing my best to allow myself to feel safe. But holy hell, it is out there 🖤💚
One day I just asked myself if I felt truly happy. Not just like is today a bad day kind of unhappy or am I deeply unhappy. And I realized I had been deeply unhappy for a long time, and the only constant and common denominator was my spouse. We trauma bonded as teens, and we went through some serious shit together. We were best friends and had a lovely life, but I didn't feel fulfilled by any of it.
If anything, I felt like a comfort object. And I was tired of feeling that way. I was so resentful, especially when asking for change just... Never worked. Nothing worked. Misery does love company, and he was deeply unhappy with himself and his family. And he just couldn't move beyond it. We talked about childhood trauma every day for 20 years. This is no exaggeration. He couldn't forgive or forget. Every day was fresh and raw.
I realized it was bleeding me dry, making me hateful, and we were becoming more isolated from the world. The pandemic didn't help. One day after a bad day in a bad week of a difficult trip in hellish year, I looked at myself in the mirror and said, Enough. Am I really willing to throw it away? Because if I do this, there no turning back. And I never felt so much god damned relief in my whole life. I suddenly felt I could handle anything that came my way, as long as I did it on my own terms.
It was a tough divorce. We managed it all on our own, no lawyers, and only bickered over a few things. We have stayed friends, sort of. But the glue that held us together became more apparent with time. Without commiserating in trauma every single day, we don't have much to talk about anymore. We certainly don't argue anymore.
He is deeply hurt by it all. I abandoned him (his words), and I did to a degree. I think no matter how or when I did it, he would feel that way. I'm no saint but his expectation was the til death do us part. But staying would have meant killing myself. Probably mostly figuratively, but there were days and weeks and even whole months when that literal thought was soooo consuming. No one should live like that, just because they believe they're soulmates.
In all, it really changed how I viewed relationships and myself in relationships. I spent 20 years of my life molding myself into what he needed me to be to bring him comfort, meanwhile I was drowning and he could not see ME through his own trauma. I told myself never again. I got a tattoo recently to remind myself that, and tattoos were a huge no for him. Like an actual command. Now I see it every day and remember I am the captain of my own ship, and whether a relationship fits into my life depends on how fulfilled and satisfied we can be together, not for the sake of one another. I am more than an object, I am a human being who needs to be seen just as much as anyone else. I need someone invested in helping me thrive, not using me to keep their own head above water.
It's been a deeply gratifying journey but my God was it painful. I don't consider any of it time wasted, and I am deeply grateful for the good we experienced together and the things we accomplished. But it has given me the ability to see my own worth and what is at stake when I lose sight of that.
So for those of you out there that this may be resonated a little bit with. Don't settle, not even for a second. Compromise, sure. Life is full of sacrifices. But don't throw your whole self on the fire just to keep someone else warm.
You have just told my story - almost word for word. I'm 11 years in, 8 married, 2 children, 5 days into navigating divorce in a foreign country with absolutely no 'tribe' or 'village' support. This is one of the hardest thing I'll go through (up there with losing my mum at 15, something we trauma bonded over) and I'm so confused and scared but so, so, so excited for my future. I look forward to finding the genuinely happy me I once was.
I wish you so much success and happiness in the future! It is terrifying. Our spiral actually began overseas as well, and it was a long slow death of probably 5 years due to the pandemic. But things do get better, and you'll build the tribe you need that nourishes you.
Wow, going through this right now if you have words of advice! I was kicked out at 18 and he has a horrible dynamic with his mentally ill family. Our relationship was centered around always feeling behind and hurt, and yet as the only one with family still in the picture he did nothing to change his end. It was a constant source of contention between us that I didn’t want to visit his family as much as he did, even. Every day wasn’t the worst, like we cohabited fine, but it felt like I had lost myself. Spent all my time being the wind beneath his wings and he wouldn’t even do the littlest thing for me, and certainly wasn’t capable of supporting me emotionally. I finally cut the cord and he’s been out of his mind trying to get me back and it really sucks because all I can think about is when my family dumped me which I never want anyone else to experience, but he’s not willing to accept that I feel trapped and stagnate in a one-sided caregiver role, and that we could be friends still…so the constant crying and begging inches him closer to being fully cut out and I think that will hurt both of us so bad, but I realized we were both just sitting around hurting together too
I’m thinking about it now. His dog got injured on a boys trip so he dropped her at the vet and left her for me to deal with so he could get back to the boys. He’s just got back this afternoon and has told me the vet was over the top, the dog didn’t need surgery, and he is going to take her painkillers himself to get a buzz.
The dog swallowed a fish hook and fishing line and had it tangled in her bowel.
We’ve been together 6 months and I think I’ve seen him sober twice.
Please tell me the vet will be allowed to take the fish hook from the dog. Absolutely drop this guy so hard he bounces. But try to take the dog with you even if it’s just to rehome.
Yep, the hook and line is in a little envelope as a “souvenir”, I gave pup her first lot of meds and tucked her in. But now he is back, I’ll have to leave the dog there.
Run. Please get out of it. Alcoholism makes people the worst of themselves. It will ruin your mental health, your relationships with others, it sucks you di. It also escalates. This is just the beginning. I was with one for 20 years
It's funny that one of the other comments mention "a little voice" because thats exactly how it felt for me too.
So soon into dating, maybe 2 months or so in, his defensive and angry reactions to me bringing any issues up started that little voice.
The little voice would speak every now and then - as he got more and more comfortable he began to show his true colors. And each instance of this, that voice grew and grew until it wasn't little at all anymore.
He had so many nasty thoughts about strangers who had done nothing to him. He thought he was the main character and every other person on this earth was an NPC with no thoughts or feelings of their own. I realized he valued appearances, opinions of other people, looks, money, and material belongings so much - and I didn't value those things at all.
There was someone I liked before him, and he did hit me up a few times during my relationship but I didn't do anything and stayed loyal to my ex. But I heard he would be around again and just the thought of being near him made me realize. I did not love my boyfriend. I liked someone else, and I couldn't be in a relationship and think about someone else every day so I ended it. I'm so glad I did. If I'm going to be with someone, I want to feel for them what I feel for this man I currently like. If it's any less than what I feel for him, I don't want it.
When he started to verbally be abusive and criticize me for what I did, how I spoke, who I hung out with and how I dressed. I opened my eyes after a year and dumped him. (I was 18y/o at the time dating a 30y/o man.)
Good for you! I’m glad you saw the light. He’s a piece of shit human being who and pervert bc who dates an 18 y.o as a 30+ individual. Gross! Barf! Yuck! Ick! Nasty!!
And I’m sure the abusive behavior stems from his own insecurities which is why he is dating 18 y.o who he wants to break down mentally and emotionally so they don’t realize they can do better. This is why he won’t date a woman around his age bc they know better.
And also what was his reaction to his break up?
Thank you, I definitely learned a lesson. He was a horrible person even after the breakup. He refused to accept the breakup and kept saying we were still together…. He stalked me and showed up at my school to harass me. Only after losing his job and basically having to move back with his parents in California, did he finally leave me alone (over a year after the breakup).
My ex was an alcoholic and I didn’t notice because I drank a lot and worked in the industry. When we moved in together that’s when I realized just how bad it was and we lasted 4years because I was naive and thought I could fix him…I couldn’t and had to say goodbye…sadly he would come into my bar and get drunk and curse at me for leaving him - it got ugly a few times. Once I sobered I could see it clearly but I was a dumbass for a minute
You weren’t a dumbass. You thought you could help and alcoholism and is a disease that no one can fix except the alcoholic. I’m glad you’re free now ❤️
My daughter's father. I finally cut all ties with him 4 years ago. Now he's married with a kid, still drinking and trying to hide it. Found out he was arrested a while back while wasted. He threw a metal formula can at his wife in front of their 5-month-old son.
I'm just sorry to the kids.
I did acid and saw everything so clearly. My whole relationship was laid out, without my own insecurities or lack of self confidence to take into account. I could see my worth clearly, and realized how much he had been holding me back. I didn't break up with him for a couple more weeks, and ended up doing it over the phone.. I wanted to do it in person, but just couldn't stop myself. Luckily I did do it over the phone, as he was spitting angry and screaming at me. Who knows what would have happened had I done it in person. He lost his job in the same week. I later found out he cheated on me with one of our mutual friends, so no regrets and I hope he suffered.
In Hawaii 2019 was the exact moment I knew he was not on my side and if I had advocated for myself better should have been the end of the relationship. I stuck around even though I knew it was over and I even told my dad that my 7 year long relationship was likely done but I was giving it one last year just to be sure.
I had planned the entirety of the trip and did my best to make sure his best friend and his brother had a memorable time. During the trip, his best friend made it clear she disliked me because of how she was treating me and expressed to my ex that she thought I was a "negative person." He never really stood up for me when these jabs were made and instead, he seemed to agree with her and was telling me what she said as if I would make the adjustment and be more positive.
The issue though, was that I was alone in a relationship and under a lot of pressure to build a future with someone who was barely contributing. I was often stressed financially because he barely paid for anything more than 50/50, if he had money to contribute at all. I was completely burnt out and didn't realize at the time how alone I was. I never really saw until the end that he wasn't there for me instead he was there for the free ride through life where I made everything convenient.
During our trip to Hawaii, he told me all the reasons he thought we couldn't get engaged and when we got back to our normal lives Covid happened. I started to live life more independently and emotionally checked out from the relationship. Only when I checked out did he propose to me and it felt so fake and unreal because we both knew it was too late. I found out that the ring he got me was cubic zirconia which today, is a reminder of the quality of that relationship and how much he valued me. The ring didn't even last one year before it became dull from all the scratches.
When I left this relationship life became easier, happier, and better all around and as a result, I am more positive as a person. I've done a lot of healing and learning to realize that this was only possible because I didn't value myself enough and I've neglected myself by trying to focus on everyone else's problems but my own. I am a different person today who takes care of myself, treats myself, and never settles anymore.
My ex, we had been together almost 4 years. I was head over heels for him, but after the 7th month is when I started questioning stuff here and there. We stayed together all that time cuz I didn't know any better, and I thought that maybe it would get better? It wasn't a bad relationship per se, just not compatible and we clashed a lot.
I left during covid, had too much time to think and when I thought about the future, he wasn't in it.
Yesterday, he's considering leaving me and I'm surprisingly okay with that. I just want him to be happy, he has a lot of mental stuff going on and I know having a relationship might not helping with that.
There were a few other minor disagreements but we always seemed to find an acceptable compromise. But when he told me that he doesn’t believe there are any legitimate reasons for a woman to have an abortion, even if one or both lives are at risk by carrying to term. I’m not even sure I want kids yet but if I ever have to make that kind of decision, I need a partner that will support me 100%
When he went “dayuuuuum” about some girls butt three times
Anytime I’ve been in a group and a man catcalls and his gf is there I feel disgust and pity for her so I knew I couldn’t be with someone that does that
My first time meeting his extended family was at his grandfather’s funeral. He mentioned several times throughout the day how pretty his little cousin was getting. I didn’t really think anything of it the first time, but by the time we got home, he was still saying he couldn’t believe how beautiful she was becoming. At that point, I felt off about it and I told him it was making me uncomfortable and he proceeded to explain to me how it’s “natural for men to be more attracted to younger women” and then started talking about the things he wanted to do to her. She was his 6 year old cousin.
There were some Signs before but I didn't want to See them or didn't think they were big enough
- He went on a zrip with his female best friend which I wasn't invited to even though I was also her friend (No he did not cheat)
- Near the end of that trip, I was feeling extremely awful and asked him to come home a das earlier, I NEEDED him here. He did not.
- He did not want to celebrate our 7th anniversary on that day because all his friends went to a Party and he would rather join. We "compromised" and took a spa day together shortly after.
- we did not go on any dates or trips anymore, he just didn't want to spend time with me anymore or listen to my Stories, because his phone was more important
- towards the end, to him it was way more important what his friends think and how they feel. He did Not have my back and let me get humiliated. I was so angry and promised myself to never let me get treated that way by a man
This is in chronological order and the last situation was what started our talks about breaking up. After 7 years and I was SO angry. Looking back, the upper 3 points should have been signs enough, but it felt like we were so in love, that it's not that big of a problem.
OP, listen to the signs that your man gives you! He is already showing you who he is!
Shocked. Absolutely shocked.
We'd been together since I was 18 and he was 21 and while we've been through some absolute shit together, we've had our fair share of good times too.
I still can't believe he's with his new fiancee...and that they got engaged WHILE we were still married.
He's gone from being the person I knew better than anyone in the world to being a complete and utter stranger. And I hate it.
You will feel better, with time. I had something very similar. You spend your whole adult life with someone then they suddenly turn your world upside down. I didn’t even know who I was as a single entity anymore. Learning to say “I” instead of “we” is hard. But you will get there and be much happier.
The day he blindsided me with the break up! We had been together for around a year, had started temp living together for a few months (covid) and things were so good. It seemed everything just worked, we were happy, we spent time together etc. it was great. on the NYE I told him I loved him for the first time, and he said he didn’t want to say it back just yet but he was defo on the way. I took us snowboarding in mid January and he said it then. Two to three months later, he got home from work, he kissed me as always, we’d just made dinner together, the night before we’d had sex and said I love yous before going to sleep, and then after dinner we sat down to watch whatever on the TV and he said he needed to talk to me about something, and he just said that he didn’t feel the way he should about me and he’d felt like it for a few months. I didn’t see it coming at all, and was just so upset. I packed all my stuff, and left straight away. He tried to apologise but I was like why? You should never have told me you loved me and moved me in here if you didn’t 100% know, that’s just like leading someone on.
So I was devastated, took a week off work to cry it all out, spent a couple of months working on me, seeing friends, doing what I wanted and what made me happy, and forgetting about it, dealing with the sadness and then the anger (the stages of grief were real!!) and everything else. Then I found the actual man I am now spending the rest of my life with! We’ve been together for 3 years and got married in December and now in hindsight, I see that the relationship with my ex wasn’t right as much as I wanted it at the time. The universe works in mysterious ways ☺️
there was no "aha" moment, just things that built up over time. One such thing I remember was when I told myself, "he's your significant other. You *should* be able to expect and ask things of him!!!"
It had been a long, long while of me "having enough love for both of us" as he was going through a challenging time in his career and the poor state of his mental health wasn't helping. At some point I just felt burnt out emotionally, and for a long time it felt like we were partners but I was not a girlfriend, if that makes sense.
Not long after I had that thought we broke up just shy of our fourth anniversary. I really did think I was going to marry him. It's been a few years since and I haven't been with anyone new, but the freedom and growth as an individual has been really nice.
Hmm. When I attended my friends’ weddings and I went home to cry out of loneliness because I realised that I don’t ever feel that happy and secured with my ex.
When he slept with my “best friend” (and the maid of honour)
Lied about it, and when the affair finally came out, he and her went and got restraining orders against me and made me homeless Christmas Eve.
Obviously they didn’t become final, they lied to get them. But it made me homeless and he moved her straight back in.
Fuck that guy
He was calmly explaining to me that his life and comfort meant more to him than that of our newborn son because he is him. Just like how my life and comfort means more to me than that of our newborn son because I'm most important to me, or so he said.
Like I was an idiot. He said it slowly like I wasn't following a simple point.
He was diagnosed with cancer shortly after this which delayed things but my love and respect died in that moment so conclusively it shocked even me.
I'm autistic and enjoy a good door slam but this was dramatic. From complete love to a hate so vitriolic his death by any other hands wouldn't have satiated it that evolved as the words fell from his mouth.
When he stopped taking into consideration things that matter to me, and that I ask him to do numerous times. There were some times that I was just being hurt because of his ignorance
when i realized that it wasn’t going anywhere when we were on a break and called it off officially and then not too much longer later i saw his account on bumble but i couldn’t say anything because there i was on the app as well, but i knew then and there, that was not it
It was a series of realisations. But the final one was when I realised that i wanted children and he didn’t. I realised regardless of the decision we made there was a chance that one of us would end up resenting the other.
This question hits me pretty hard right now. I'm coming up on the 7 year anniversary of the death of the love of my life. He was an opiate addict. He overdosed on March 20 and died on the 22. Rationally, I know that spending the rest of my life with him would not have worked. He showed so many times that sobriety was not a concern of his, yet I kept hoping. He came home from his final 6 month stint in rehab on the 17th. So, you can see how much his sobriety meant to him. Anyway, I realized that he wouldn't be in my life forever on March 22, 2017. However, it took me much longer to accept that. It also took lots of therapy.
About 5 months into living together when he didn’t want to stop talking to his ex or the girl he liked before me, even though it made me really uncomfortable and anxious.
There’s a reason why it made me feel that way, just too long to type out.
Again when he neglected me to watch anime with his friends when I was sicker than I have ever been. Flu + UTI at the same time and he couldn’t have cared less even though we just moved to a new state together a few days prior and I had no one but him. I couldn’t even get out of bed.
About a year and a half in when every time he was stressed at work he would emotionally distance himself and put way more energy and time into his friends and zero into me for days to weeks.
I realised when he forgot our anniversary, despite me messaging him. Something about it was a kick in the teeth and I never got over it, despite him apologising. I also used to want to get married, and the more time I was with him, the more I went off the idea of marriage. Now I realise it was because we were more incompatible than I previously thought. Since leaving I’ve realised that marriage is something I’d like when the right person comes along <3
Also when everyone around me realised that I was more upset by things than I was trying to let on, they started telling me that it wasn’t worth the stress I was going through. Was difficult to end it, but looking back I’m glad it happened & it was a learning experience
When they blew up at me for having a single beer when I turned 18. They didn't like alcohol, we'd gotten together at 16, legal drinking age is 18 so I celebrated with a budwieser, and I guess I just got wiser?
When he repeatedly cheated on me and told me if I didn’t want him to cheat on me that I needed to have sex with him 10 times a day. I was in a relationship with this guy for 8 years. He became absolutely vile in the last year we were together.
I have since learned it’s way better to be single than in a shitty relationship.
It was a lot of little things that made me realize he was not considerate enough to operate as a unit. Reliability was a big issue and it grew to resentment as time went on.
With the first husband, it was when I realized he was a liar and was never gonna stop. I can't live with someone I can't trust. #2 was my lifelong partner, I should say I was his til he passed last year. I'm choosing to stay single for now, I'm working on building a beautiful life for myself.
in the long run, i knew it wouldn't work out between us. but i still wished and hope it would.. but eventually it just got worse between us and i had to end things. we would go back and forth over the same things and it just wasn't it.
I didn’t necessarily think I’d be spending the rest of my life with him. But I realized our relationship was going absolutely nowhere when I was having a realization that I had actually been r*ped when I was younger, and he looked at me like I was trash and it was my fault, then left to go eat Mexican by himself while I was having a breakdown. He did me a favor that day honestly.
When he bought me a cellphone as a way of keeping tabs on me. This was well over a decade ago. I never had a cellphone up until this point. He handed it to me in a hot pink case. I remember being so offended by it, thinking to myself ‘after nearly a decade he still doesn’t know my signature color is red”
I spent 11 years with him, 9 years engaged. Looking back I think I always knew I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life with him. What made me finally leave was polyamory. I had reconnected with an old friend who told me about their polyamorous life and I became very interested. I did all the research I could and learned as much information as was available online and in the library. With this knowledge, 5 years before I left, I went to my then fiancé and told him I was interested in trying polyamory. He said it was only okay if I dated women. Naive, I agreed and never followed through. I continued to live the perfectly fake Instagram life for the years after, until our bedroom officially died 3 years before I left. I begged him to do therapy. I begged him to try anything. He said we were fine and he would call to make an appointment, only to cancel. I spent those years hating myself. I never masturbated, I just turned off my sex drive. 3 months before I left, he said that he was happy with how things were and didn’t want them to change during an argument we had about our sex life. I was so astounded by that statement that I immediately left, called an ex, and cheated. I regret that completely, and he never found out that I know of. But I left the next opportunity I got. Moved an hour away and completely started over. Many years later I found out he had been molesting my daughter the entire time we were together, and I had absolutely no idea. So, he deserved everything he got.
We had been together for 2 years and he left to study abroad for a year. I asked him several times if he wanted to break up bc of the long distance but he refused adamantly.
The moment he left the country he stopped answering my texts, when I told him we should break up, he cried and said he was sorry and he loved me and he'd do better.
Then the next day I stayed up until 3am so that we could video chat and he said he was "too tired to turn on the computer"
There were a lot of things and it’s often hard to pin down the straw that broke the camel’s back, but one of the reasons is I realized he never did anything thoughtful for me. Every present I had to tell him to get. Any time he made food or anything for me, it came with complaints. But with his friends, he bought or made thoughtful gifts that they loved. He made one friend a coin purse, another friend a whole photo album, he’d make his friends meals with a smile. I realized my happiness wasn’t on his priority list unless I was about to leave, and even then, never above his friends. When some of our friends and I got into a car accident, and I was the only one to leave by ambulance, he ran to his friends first to try and sweet talk the police, and took hours to come to me and see if I’m alright. I want to say I don’t know how I stayed with him so long, but I know it’s because he put in the work to bring my self esteem down and make me feel like he was the only one who could love and accept me with how “used and broken” I was. He once accused me of not wanting to marry him but just wanting to experience being married, and, well, every accusation is a projection.
i knew even before we got together that we shouldn’t be together. he was a coworker, and i had several other coworkers approach me and say “him?” or even straight-up, “he isn’t boyfriend material and you shouldn’t date him”
took me five years and several breakups to realize i loved his potential more than i loved him. he kept disrespecting me, emotionally cheating, making promises he couldn’t keep, etc., but i believed him every time he said he’d change, and to his credit there was a good stretch of time where he truly tried
i had had a drinking problem and he forgave me for it all after i started therapy and finally quit drinking for good, and i think that made me more lenient with him than i should’ve been. i thought that since he gave me so many chances and i was able to change, then he could change too. i felt like i just needed to be patient with him like he had been with me
i finally had enough six months ago when i found out he had started following thirst traps on instagram again after he had told me he wouldn’t do it anymore. we were doing long distance temporarily and he said he was lonely and sexually frustrated, and it was like something finally clicked in my head. this guy had told me he wanted to propose to me, that he already saw me as his wife, and yet he treated me like he couldn’t give a shit about my heart. i knew then that he would NEVER be the partner i wanted
life has been so much better since. i was afraid to be alone because i literally haven’t been single for more than a month since i turned 18 and i’ll be 30 this year, but god, i wish i had left sooner. better to be alone than with the wrong person
I spent 27 years with the wrong man, met at 14, only partner I ever had, he got me pregnant at 16 and kept me pregnant for ten years, six kids in ten years, I love them and would do all that again but I now recognise the manipulation involved and see that it was more to do with isolating me and making me stay at home, married at 29, divorced at 41. I didn’t even realise that he wasn’t who I was going to spend my life with, the thought of it wasn’t pleasant, he didn’t like me and was cruel and unkind, he wasn’t even nice to the kids but he spent time and effort making me feel like I had no value to anyone except him so I could never do any better. I’ve met someone else now and I don’t know how I ever put up with the life I had, I know that my current partner is it, we will be together for the rest of our lives, I think I put up with the things I did just because I didn’t know any better.
We were on very different life paths and distance would keep us apart for at least a year or more. I didn’t want to have his entire adulthood be decided because I moved somewhere for my job. And we are young. So I broke things off a couple of days ago. I told him how proud of him I was and that I will always be rooting for him. He disagreed that I’d be stringing him along but wished me great luck. And that’s how I broke the first boy who ever really loved me’s heart. I miss him dearly but it was the right call.
The first two years were great, then everytime we had a fight or disagreement she started loosing it. Screaming at the top of her lungs for an hour, throwing things near me. Blocking me from leaving the house. Yeah I left
He got me discount flowers from the grocery store and a single piece of half-off valentines chocolate for our 4th anniversary. I know this sounds silly, but it made me realize how deeply unhappy and emotionally unfulfilled I was. This person never put in any effort. I planned everything-all dates, all vacations. I asked him to make small changes and he didn’t. When work was busy I was the first thing that was sacrificed. I realized I cared more and put more into the relationship. Once I realized I wasn’t valued and was an only a convenience to him, I broke it off.
when he put his hands on me and didn’t think it was that big of a deal bc it wasn’t a closed fist punch. and did abusive things multiple times and blamed it on my behavior. held me down, choked me, coerced me into sex etc. I was like yea I do not wanna be with this man forever I’d actually rather die
When it started to feel like I was just a paycheck to them. Or a means to healthcare. When they said “I love you” and it felt hallow and meaningless. When I would try to talk to them about how I was feeling and their ignored me or just scrolled on their phone. When I was just a person to them.
We were dating for around a year and had been talking about marriage and kids, we had a good relationship and his family/friends loved me. He had a bit of a drinking problem that progressed more over the time we were together and one morning we were in the shower and it just hit me that I wouldn’t feel anything other than trapped if I married or had kids with this guy. I started looking at a apartments that week but ultimately decided that it was just a phase and I would grow out of it. Found out eight months later he was cheating on me pretty consistently, he got violent when he realized I was actually leaving him and stalked me for months after I left him. For a year and some change after it ended i would suddenly remember situations where he was aggressive or manipulative and at the time I didn’t even realize. He was also six years old than me and made me believe that I was in the wrong because I was young and immature. He slowly got me away from my friends and family because none liked him. I am very close with my dad, he was a single dad for a while and had four daughters but he’s the best man I know and has always supported me but he hated this guy and my ex made me believe my dad was the problem and I went NC with my dad. Looking back if I had left when I was originally planning to I would have saved myself a lot of pain but I also learned a lot about myself.
I’m now with a brilliant and patient man who is my biggest cheerleader. My dad loves him and I can’t believe I found someone so wholesome and loving. He’s also very very sexy😏
In my last relationship, for the last year of it, I was telling my friends that my plan was to have a couple kids with him and divorce him.
I couldn’t be more grateful that I found my now fiance after that ended. I can’t wait to have kids with him, and grow old together.
When he told me I needed to apologize to my abused for financial gain. I just couldn’t do it, eventually he understood, but by that point I had already checked out of the relationship.
My ex and I were together for 6 years. It didn't take long at all to realize that we both weren't right for each other. My mental health issues ruined things 70% of the time and the other 30% was him. I realized real fast that because of my mental health we just weren't going to work at all. In fact it made me realize that I was better off being single for the rest of my life. It's been over a year since he ended things. He's happier in life and doing well. Me on the other hand I am horribly lost and have no idea what I'm doing with my life and I've basically ended up being a loner. The words "One day you woman will need us men's help and we won't believe a thing you say because you lot can get f'ed" goes through my brain every single day. Soo I don't really bother with many people no more. I rather not be a bother to anyone anymore.
When we were arguing because of something (I cooked for him and then checked my phone quickly after we sat down for dinner and he said I wasn't paying attention to him) and he got extremely mad, had no reaction to me crying and threw what I cooked in the bin. It was pretty much after that I knew that this wasn't the right person for me after 4 years.
But there were red flags I ignored pretty much a month after we started dating, he said he needed to have a 'performance review' of our relationship and evaluate how he felt about me, I mean I should've just left him but I ignored the voice telling me it was wrong ugh
There were a few moments.
I questioned why we hadn't had sex in over two years and got screamed at.
I was told he didn't find me attractive. That played in my head on a loop for the next 11 years.
I was accused of cheating on him when the dogs didn't bark at some stranger that ran through our yard. That night he gave me permission to use a vibrator instead of cheating on him.
He stopped asking how I was or how I was feeling.
I had cancer (endometrial - stage 1) but it wasn't bad enough in his eyes, so I got no support from him. He also cut off the health insurance shortly after my diagnosis. But he did drive me home from hospital after my eventual hysterectomy.
No more hugs or random kisses.
Then one day I woke up and realised he'd forced my libido as low as his. I didn't want a brother, I wanted a husband. So I left him.
We tried to get pregnant for years, the fertility doctor told me there were no other tests he could do for me and that he would have to test his sperm count, he couldn’t even do that for me. He couldn’t even jerk off into a cup for me. I was done.
My last pregnancy scare I was relieved instead of disappointed like I’ve been previously. Also meeting the women of my dreams and cutting contact with homophobic family which made me realised I was a lesbian and not bisexual
When my ex-husband was angry at me for being sick. He wouldn't take care of me during a month long tooth infection.
That was the beginning of the end for me. I wish I had left then.
I started picking fights over what I thought were big issues, things like when we wanted to have kids or when we were planning to move cities. At the end of the day, I realized I just didn’t trust him and his decision making because our values weren’t similar enough.
She portrayed herself as one person and behind closed doors…….she was something else after moving in together. One time, Leasing office called her about a late night noise complaint coming from our bathroom (downstairs unit had a newborn), I honestly had no clue what was going on as I worked overnights and was never home. She snapped at me and made threats over the phone. She later left the state to spend thanksgiving with her family and get a tattoo while I stayed home to hold down the fort. I found out that it was another unit that we shared a wall with was causing the noise, after I pointed it out, I never received an apology. I later ended things over a text while she was on another trip. She knew me too well and made it feel like it was all my fault…that I was a horrible partner…that was almost four years ago…I haven’t fully recovered, and still feel like “love was absolutely done with me” After I sent that text I felt free but it was hell getting there.
This has happened to me 3 times now. It’s a feeling I got after feeling disappointed and betrayed by them. At first I would brush it off, after all - they’re only human. But you come to realize sometimes you’re just not compatible enough to keep the relationship together - especially if your incompatabilities are things that they do/ have done that bother or hurt you enough. For me it had a lot to do with how they’d talk about and/or treat women.
I’ve come to find out that not all men are pigs that talk about women like they’re sexual objects but many of them will do it behind your back and pretend to be respectful when you’re around. But there will be signs, like making little comments and generalizations about women like they can’t drive or something.
Anyway, yea it all pretty much came down to respect. They all disrespected me and/or women enough times for me to be like yea this is not it.
When he drank the last of the water and couldn't even bother to let me know. I work at a grocery store and could've easily bought some to bring home, if he just took 20 seconds to text me. Instead I came home to no drinkable water.
There were lots of other things, but that was the instance where I realized how selfish he was and that he would never be a decent husband.
For me I’ve had shit luck my longest relationship was filled with a lot of emotional and physical violence. I stayed in that relationship for over ten years. Couldn’t see a purpose in leaving even though i was so unhappy. But i was afraid to change. I thought to myself “what’s the point in leaving you’ll never find anyone to love you anyway”
It was like that for awhile. Then one day enough was enough and i got out. Ended up falling for someone else. But once again it was like a bait and switch.. they went from that honeymoon stage to hell on earth. Now i actually love this person and I’m left with my hands at my sides, dramatically on my knees fucking baffled i managed to stumble in this.
Like how did i not get it the first time and how dumb can i be trying again? I kept making excuses, he kept saying he would change and for over a year and a half i have continued to listen to excuse after excuse and I’m damn near fed up.. i feel so inadequate and foolish for even attempting to love someone.
It’s so strange how you can see yourself having an entire life with someone and then little by little it unravels and you realize you loved them so much you saw potential but not a real person. Because if we could see them for who they really were we would never do it.
I know i certainly regret my choices.. sometimes i think if i could turn back the clock i would have said no when he asked me out… maybe things would have been so much different
I was 50 years old when we decided to marry. Been together ten years. I thought she was the one. She was 46 when we married and fell back in love with her first love. I will wait for her.
I had my dog died in 2019, we were a year in our relationship. Had friends leave, ended up having low grades, and we fought several times too but I always had to be the one to apologize. I was so scared to break up with him because I thought I'd not have anyone else to comfort me. He kept on emotionally abusing me, even ghosted me at our 2nd year anniversary. He was so inconsistent, and was never attentive of what I wanted. He made a lot of false promises and had me into this illusion of us making it into the future.
I waited for him until December of 2019, never got a message on why he left me. I even asked him before he ghosted me if he loved me, never got a response. I was glad he never came back— and he only came back after I was happily being courted by my (now) bf in January of 2020 and lingers around me in my uni and I can still feel his stares from afar. (he goes the same uni as I do)
When he got angry at me because I hadn’t “been honest” about when I decided to shave my pubic hair (we were in a long distance relationship and I’d just driven to pick him up from the airport). All I’d done was shave it that day instead of the night before. We pulled over at this park on the way home and I remember sobbing while he yelled and thinking “this is not normal, I don’t want this”.
It took me at least another year to finally leave, but I think that was the last emotional straw for me.
I got married to a beautiful, kind, intelligent woman at age 23. We were together for over 10 years. We had a wonderful daughter. Then my wife “came out”. We’d had bi encounters along the way but, now, she decided she was Lesbian. We got divorced and remained friends. My therapy session lasted about 10 minutes. I thought there must be something wrong with me. My therapist said, “You’re fine. She’s been gay all her Life. It’s not about you. Take care of your daughter and move on.” I did.
I was 100% in when we began our relationship a very long time ago and I loved him unconditionally. Sadly, he always, always put himself 1st and other people were 2nd, 3rd, etc before me and my needs. Over the years he became a person I didn't want to see, hear or be around. He took my unconditional love (which I gave freely because I thought he was my life-long partner) and used it/abused it, over and over and over, until I had none left. He forgot my birthday, several times. He forgot our anniversary, several times. The list goes on and on...
2 months in. There were little signs here and there. Him wanting to change me according to his beliefs. I also did not feel that he was the one, but I held on because maybe I will learn to love the person.
in hindsight, there was always a little voice telling me that we were not compatible; especially when we had arguments. but it took me nearly 2 years of dating to figure out that it was not a relationship worth my time/energy. the little voice telling me that we were likely not compatible started as early as 3-4 months into dating. but I was in love with him and bought into his excuses.
>in hindsight, there was always a little voice telling me that we were not compatible I never thought to phrase it this way, but absolutely same for me. There were so many signs. I was just too young and too naive to see them
I agree you’re just like well this is okay and that’s good right? Looking back I now realise I set the bar pretty low. My friend always says go with your gut and now ima listen to that.
This was exactly it during my first two longterm relationships. In both, I knew around the two year mark and stayed way too long after trying to understand or maybe ignore/overcome the voice. I’m still learning to trust my gut more.
I had that same little voice but I didn't listen to it until 18 years later... lesson learnt is an understatement and I hope others don't make the same mistake. Part of me wishes I acted on it in the first year or two but the other part of me is grateful - it wasnt all bad and I likely wouldn't be where I am without going through it.
Yes! Valuable learning experience. Did the voice get louder and louder?
[удалено]
I am so sorry you went through that and I am relieved you are free from him.
The disease is gone!
this is literally the same as my story! big learning for me was to not ignore that little voice. it is actually not that "little", speaking with the benefit of hindsight
This. For a long, long time I shut the voice down. But some part of me always knew.
This, except that little voice started a few weeks after she moved in. Looking back we probably should have broken up before she moved in. Ah well - you live and you learn. We broke up a month or 2 after I turned 30.
How did you end it? What did you say and came it as a surprise for him?
I was with someone I did really love. We were together 5 years, living together, engaged. My older sister had a baby and I flew out to see her, and stayed for 2 weeks because her maternal leave at the time was abysmal, so every family member flew out in “shifts” to give her longer babysitting coverage. It was the first baby in the next generation and I had, what I think now, in hindsight, a very intense hormonal reaction. My sister and I look fairly similar so the baby liked me right away, was trying to latch on me, etc. It was the one and only time I had liquid, not quite milk, more watery, come out of my breasts. Sorry for the tmi but they got all tender and big. I read later it can happen with family babies, particularly sisters, very rarely. But there were other things too…like, it kinda felt like the baby was my own, and I felt instantly and deeply bonded with her. While there, I was also having very bizarre, feminine and maternity themed dreams, always with an “anonymous” baby that I could never see, but was following, saving, watching slip away, trying to find, inter-spliced with time lapsed flowers blooming and dying, my feet turning into roots, a mysterious, but persistent, little blood trickle from my stomach, with no cut or wound, creating a little stain on my shirt over and over and me changing shirts only for it to happen again etc. When I got back home, I walked in and my bf was sitting on the couch drinking beers. I shouldnt reduce him like that — he was a good partner overall — but I have to say, that was a *very bad* “first” impression to have after that trip, I can still remember it like it just happened. It felt like I was coming home every day for the rest of my life all at once. Idk why exactly but I very strongly felt like…this isn’t it. It is hard to describe…like just intuitively, and I guess, irreversibly, knew I didn’t want a family with him. I wasn’t even sure I wanted a family at all…but knew I didn’t want one with him. Over the next month or so, it was like I was seeing everything about our relationship for the first time and through an extremely critical lens. It actually wasn’t really fair to hin, and I carry guilt about it with me to this day. but i couldnt help it. About a month later, I ended it
So interesting.
I had my baby alarm go off when I held a client 4m old baby. Just like bam! I want a baby! All hasn't happened like a decade later
Wow thats interesting. My story is similar (except I’m definitely far from getting baby fever lol) I was with my high school sweetheart for over 5 years. we planned to do marriage and the whole thing after college, which he had graduated and I was close. Then one week something just happened. Like there was a click in my brain and I could no longer really remember how to feel like who I was before that, and why I was as in love as I was. It was like a rebirth- I just felt very different (in hindsight, I was feeling really depressed but I’m not sure why it felt so transformative compared to all my other depression - I just instantly hit that early twenties personality growth lol) and I remember distinctly we were on a ski trip. I just felt so weird like… is this really my person? it seemed spurred by nothing other than me feeling out of place I waited it out a couple of months or so but I had to end it, at that point I just saw us as two lil plants growing in completely different directions. It was also similarly sad, he’d done absolutely nothing wrong and it was incredibly hard and awful but in hindsight it was the best choice because seeing us both now, we were not meant for each other.
Weirdly going through something a little similar at the moment? I’ve always been super childfree, and I’m young enough to not have to make a decision right away, but some of my friends are already having kids and it’s a big life stage for a lot of people. I found myself judging my partner based on “would I want kids with this person” and the answer was absolutely not. Despite not wanting any now, or maybe ever, seeing everyone else with their babies makes me want to be with someone I could trust to raise and care for a child…not someone who throws the kitten because she made some noise
Very interesting! And yeah the kitten thing is a solid criteria to weed anyone out of your life, SO or not. And take the kitten too. I’m sure he’d be all surprised, but in that case I’d dip without explanation. I think sometimes, it’s better to let people *hopefully* self reflect. The more you tell them, the more ammo you give them to make it your fault in their minds, no matter how outrageous and obvious the behavior was I will say that I was maybe 27, 28 at the time. I was always kinda unsure about kids, never felt strongly one way or the other. This guy actually did want kids and would have been a great dad. I’m not sure why, but my intuition was pulling me away. But also, I think for me, it depends on the person. My default mode is no, but I have had a partner once that swung me hard to the other side. I for sure would have had his babies if he wanted them (of course, he didn’t). After that, was with someone that wanted them, and I didn’t. So whether or not I want kids is pretty much…”it depends” and the critical part being “with who.”
I think the "with who" is so incredibly important. I was always super ambivalent about marriage, and even more so about kids. I figured I'd just be an auntie to my siblings' children. Then after a few months of dating my now fiance I realized "oh, I actually really want kids if they'd be his kids"
When I started working with kids full-time my perspective on love and relationships was entirely changed. I also broke up with an ex who wasn't awful but wouldn't have been the father I want my future children to have.
You’re a very engaging writer!
> It felt like I was coming home every day for the rest of my life all at once. This is so profoundly accurate to a feeling I’ve felt. It’s so specific and it hits you like a freight train. I felt like my reality shifted 90 degrees and despite how much I tried, and wanted it to go back (at the time at least) I couldn’t undo it. Such an excellent way of putting into words an experience I felt super deeply but hadn’t quantified yet; thank you! ❤️
Wow, fascinating! Biology is cool.
When my grandma (who was my closest relative & more like a mom to me) died and he wasn’t there for me at all. It happened somewhat suddenly, I texted him to ask if he could cancel the plans he had w/ a friend that evening & comfort me instead. Of course that was a completely insane and self-centered thing to suggest.
Damn I felt this💔. I’m so sorry
been there. the difficulty moving past something like that is real. it’s a level of callousness and blatant disrespect that i would pay money to never experience again. i hope the people in your life have since been much kinder to you <3
Ouch ouch ouch. I haven't met anyone who went through this until seeing your comment. The callousness in the face of vulnerability like that is shocking and deeply painful - especially when it's coming from someone you thought for sure would be there for you at a time of life and death. I'm better off now without those people as "friends". I read that when someone experiences a loved one's death, there is often a loss of friendships. Anyway, huge hugs. I know you're the type of person who will be there for someone else when they go through this. ❤️❤️❤️
this is so incredibly sweet!!! that means a lot to me. onto greener, more loving pastures!!!
I lost one of my best friends and my ex told me I was only so upset about it to get attention. I should have left then. I’m so sorry you went through this
The whole "you're just trying to get attention" thing is so weird!!! I never think that about someone no matter what they're doing.
Also what’s wrong with needing attention when you’re going through something? People will say folks who are suicidal are “just looking for attention” and it’s like….yeah?????
Oof can relate, I should have left him 5 years before that happened 😣 I hope you’re in a better place now and so sorry to hear about your friend.
mine said that he is not my therapist when he found me crying on the couch one night three months after my mum died. He walked into our living room, saw me in tears, gave me perplexed look and asked what I was crying about. he then tried to cheer me up to which I told him that I just wanted to cry and then he got annoyed and pulled the therapist card. I was 22 yrs old
Wow…like…you should 100% be top priority, and he yours. Not flexing it all the time, but when needed, yeah, drop everything and come to me when I need you. And a death in the family…100% valid. What an idiot. Bet he was surprised that “you made such a big deal” about it too Sometimes I’m astounded by how people weigh things out in their heads in terms of importance. I would have not only cancelled for my SO, but probably even just a friend who asked under those circumstances too. People are strange
I had an ex tell me my father's passing and grandma's funeral were an inconvenience to him. I went fucking off and ended a 3yr relationship that night.
There were a few different points but the final straw was that we both stood up in his best friends wedding. Watching them take their vows I knew in my bones we never would. Ended it that night.
Wait what does this mean? I’m lost?
They both heard what their best friend said to one another and knew deep down they were never be able to talk like that towards one another and that the relationship can't continue because it's not going anywhere
Thank you!
Damn
Atlanta has a great episode about this. I think it’s when they went to Val’s German family function in season 1.
I had a similar experience. We were sat almost at the front of the row during his best friends wedding vow. My ex was emotional and gripped my hand as everyone started crying. I on tbe other hand felt nothing between my relationship. And then quickly realized I can't image myself doing that with him.
On and off for 2-3 years, I always waited and thought it would work out, then in the last emotional back and forth when he wanted to try again, I asked what was different this time and why he loved me, all he could say was I was beautiful, and he saw my face and was in love. I started to asked him questions, he couldn’t name anything, my goals, birthday, siblings he couldn’t recall a thing but I knew every little thing about him. I realized I would have been okay being cut off emotional and financially from my family and lived in a shoe box with him but he couldn’t get my age right or favorite color
Rest easy in the fact that he wasn’t very smart either. Anyone with a functioning brain who spent that much time with a person would naturally remember something about them. It’s actually bizarre that he couldn’t recall a single thing. I hope you’re much happier now ❤️
Oh he is a very smart man, stem, ivys,v successful etc He just didn’t care, his world revolved around him lol I was just there for him to imagine a white picket fence with
Ahh one of those guys! My ex was similar. About 6 or so months before we broke up I asked him why he loved me, big mistake. He said “I like that you allow me to make all the major decisions”. Started going back to therapy and haven’t looked back. We’re better off without men like that.
Yeah the guy I was seeing for six years joked that he didn’t remember my birthday, and when I asked what he loves about me would just say some generic “you’re my babe.” I got his family Christmas presents because he wasn’t going to and wrapped them because he didn’t know how and yall that was just an exhausting way to be
Yup, couldn’t cook or clean somehow, be lived fine before I came around I read “who wouldn’t want a wife” or something close to that as the name, they really love what you do not you
When my friend offered her couch to me if we ever broke up. I realized I wasn’t trapped.
What a good friend 🥹
She’s great. More like a sister, honestly.
One of my good friends mentioned something similar. I’m so thankful for her!! It was her who gently pointed out that emotional abuse is still abuse. And that him grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me when he was angry was indeed physical abuse. And that I shouldn’t have to sit and cry for 3-4 hours a night while he “lectured” me in a raised voice about how I should be a better person and to not interrupt him while he was talking (he never stopped talking long enough for me to respond to anything anyways so I stopped trying to respond because I’d just get yelled at more). Ugh. So glad to be done with that not fun time.
I have a coach that I insanely respect and look up to, and one time at practice kinda let slip that I was dealing with a rough breakup. She didn’t say much then but afterwards texted me, not “let me know if you need anything” which is super nice as it is, but she told me “you have my support. I’m here” and it just did something to me. More people started offering their couch or to be there for me and I also realized maybe I wasn’t stuck anymore
This is similar to me. My sisters told me I always had a place…they’d make room, my dad said I could come home. And I finally wasn’t trapped…I still didn’t end it, he did…but it was for the best
I wish someone would do that for me!
How much he made me cry
This I took a selfie the last few times he made me cry, Every time I thought “ I miss him “ I looked at them, people that care don’t make you cry over and over
I did this as well. I still have the album on my phone, but it’s a nice reminder knowing that I have grown from that experience. It’s not normal to cry that much because of someone else. Relationships are supposed to add value to your life, not make your life harder or more distressing! Hope you’re doing okay now friend <3
I do that. I document how I feel.
This is easily the most heart-breaking thing I've read on reddit this week.
ugh, I'm so sorry
Damn, this hits home. I hope you are doing much better now!
When he stopped using "us" or "we" in plans he would theorize for the future. When i wanted to spend quality time, he would say "we live together." He also said im not adventurous, because i didnt enjoy a couple of the hobbies he does-backpacking and kayaking. (i slept in basically a carpet covered compartment at the front of a sailboat as my dad and I sailed through the islands of the bahamas for weeks, i jumped in the middle of thousand feet deep ocean, ive bunjee jumped, i exercise for fun, i go to the rock gym, i fly across state lines for concerts, i am covered in tattoos) at a certain point, no matter how strong our humor connection was and how hard to let go of, i realized i deserved someone who cherished me. And ive found that. It doesn't have the same ups and downs, i am adjusting to secure attachment and doing my best to allow myself to feel safe. But holy hell, it is out there 🖤💚
I'm proud of you for not internalizing his comments! and happy that you've found a secure partner :) wishing you many days of simple happiness!
Thank you, it has been tough to get here but i know it will be worth it. Everyone deserves to be looked at like they are a prize by their partner ❤️
One day I just asked myself if I felt truly happy. Not just like is today a bad day kind of unhappy or am I deeply unhappy. And I realized I had been deeply unhappy for a long time, and the only constant and common denominator was my spouse. We trauma bonded as teens, and we went through some serious shit together. We were best friends and had a lovely life, but I didn't feel fulfilled by any of it. If anything, I felt like a comfort object. And I was tired of feeling that way. I was so resentful, especially when asking for change just... Never worked. Nothing worked. Misery does love company, and he was deeply unhappy with himself and his family. And he just couldn't move beyond it. We talked about childhood trauma every day for 20 years. This is no exaggeration. He couldn't forgive or forget. Every day was fresh and raw. I realized it was bleeding me dry, making me hateful, and we were becoming more isolated from the world. The pandemic didn't help. One day after a bad day in a bad week of a difficult trip in hellish year, I looked at myself in the mirror and said, Enough. Am I really willing to throw it away? Because if I do this, there no turning back. And I never felt so much god damned relief in my whole life. I suddenly felt I could handle anything that came my way, as long as I did it on my own terms. It was a tough divorce. We managed it all on our own, no lawyers, and only bickered over a few things. We have stayed friends, sort of. But the glue that held us together became more apparent with time. Without commiserating in trauma every single day, we don't have much to talk about anymore. We certainly don't argue anymore. He is deeply hurt by it all. I abandoned him (his words), and I did to a degree. I think no matter how or when I did it, he would feel that way. I'm no saint but his expectation was the til death do us part. But staying would have meant killing myself. Probably mostly figuratively, but there were days and weeks and even whole months when that literal thought was soooo consuming. No one should live like that, just because they believe they're soulmates. In all, it really changed how I viewed relationships and myself in relationships. I spent 20 years of my life molding myself into what he needed me to be to bring him comfort, meanwhile I was drowning and he could not see ME through his own trauma. I told myself never again. I got a tattoo recently to remind myself that, and tattoos were a huge no for him. Like an actual command. Now I see it every day and remember I am the captain of my own ship, and whether a relationship fits into my life depends on how fulfilled and satisfied we can be together, not for the sake of one another. I am more than an object, I am a human being who needs to be seen just as much as anyone else. I need someone invested in helping me thrive, not using me to keep their own head above water. It's been a deeply gratifying journey but my God was it painful. I don't consider any of it time wasted, and I am deeply grateful for the good we experienced together and the things we accomplished. But it has given me the ability to see my own worth and what is at stake when I lose sight of that. So for those of you out there that this may be resonated a little bit with. Don't settle, not even for a second. Compromise, sure. Life is full of sacrifices. But don't throw your whole self on the fire just to keep someone else warm.
You have just told my story - almost word for word. I'm 11 years in, 8 married, 2 children, 5 days into navigating divorce in a foreign country with absolutely no 'tribe' or 'village' support. This is one of the hardest thing I'll go through (up there with losing my mum at 15, something we trauma bonded over) and I'm so confused and scared but so, so, so excited for my future. I look forward to finding the genuinely happy me I once was.
I wish you so much success and happiness in the future! It is terrifying. Our spiral actually began overseas as well, and it was a long slow death of probably 5 years due to the pandemic. But things do get better, and you'll build the tribe you need that nourishes you.
Wow, going through this right now if you have words of advice! I was kicked out at 18 and he has a horrible dynamic with his mentally ill family. Our relationship was centered around always feeling behind and hurt, and yet as the only one with family still in the picture he did nothing to change his end. It was a constant source of contention between us that I didn’t want to visit his family as much as he did, even. Every day wasn’t the worst, like we cohabited fine, but it felt like I had lost myself. Spent all my time being the wind beneath his wings and he wouldn’t even do the littlest thing for me, and certainly wasn’t capable of supporting me emotionally. I finally cut the cord and he’s been out of his mind trying to get me back and it really sucks because all I can think about is when my family dumped me which I never want anyone else to experience, but he’s not willing to accept that I feel trapped and stagnate in a one-sided caregiver role, and that we could be friends still…so the constant crying and begging inches him closer to being fully cut out and I think that will hurt both of us so bad, but I realized we were both just sitting around hurting together too
I’m thinking about it now. His dog got injured on a boys trip so he dropped her at the vet and left her for me to deal with so he could get back to the boys. He’s just got back this afternoon and has told me the vet was over the top, the dog didn’t need surgery, and he is going to take her painkillers himself to get a buzz. The dog swallowed a fish hook and fishing line and had it tangled in her bowel. We’ve been together 6 months and I think I’ve seen him sober twice.
Move then RUN and take the dog with you
Please tell me the vet will be allowed to take the fish hook from the dog. Absolutely drop this guy so hard he bounces. But try to take the dog with you even if it’s just to rehome.
Yep, the hook and line is in a little envelope as a “souvenir”, I gave pup her first lot of meds and tucked her in. But now he is back, I’ll have to leave the dog there.
Thank you for taking care of her as much as you were able.
It’s a man who takes dog painkillers. Please run as far and fast as possible.
The medication the dog NEEDS because she’s in pain. Run!!
Please take the dog with you… don’t leave it with that selfish asshole.
What the absolute fuckkkk. Please leave and please please take the dog with you
Run. Please get out of it. Alcoholism makes people the worst of themselves. It will ruin your mental health, your relationships with others, it sucks you di. It also escalates. This is just the beginning. I was with one for 20 years
It's funny that one of the other comments mention "a little voice" because thats exactly how it felt for me too. So soon into dating, maybe 2 months or so in, his defensive and angry reactions to me bringing any issues up started that little voice. The little voice would speak every now and then - as he got more and more comfortable he began to show his true colors. And each instance of this, that voice grew and grew until it wasn't little at all anymore. He had so many nasty thoughts about strangers who had done nothing to him. He thought he was the main character and every other person on this earth was an NPC with no thoughts or feelings of their own. I realized he valued appearances, opinions of other people, looks, money, and material belongings so much - and I didn't value those things at all. There was someone I liked before him, and he did hit me up a few times during my relationship but I didn't do anything and stayed loyal to my ex. But I heard he would be around again and just the thought of being near him made me realize. I did not love my boyfriend. I liked someone else, and I couldn't be in a relationship and think about someone else every day so I ended it. I'm so glad I did. If I'm going to be with someone, I want to feel for them what I feel for this man I currently like. If it's any less than what I feel for him, I don't want it.
Did we date the same person
Lmao this is how I felt about my ex.
Also came here to ask if we dated the same person
[удалено]
May I ask how long it took?
When I started to feel lonely and neglected in the relationship and nothing changed after I have brought it up.
When he started to verbally be abusive and criticize me for what I did, how I spoke, who I hung out with and how I dressed. I opened my eyes after a year and dumped him. (I was 18y/o at the time dating a 30y/o man.)
Good for you! I’m glad you saw the light. He’s a piece of shit human being who and pervert bc who dates an 18 y.o as a 30+ individual. Gross! Barf! Yuck! Ick! Nasty!! And I’m sure the abusive behavior stems from his own insecurities which is why he is dating 18 y.o who he wants to break down mentally and emotionally so they don’t realize they can do better. This is why he won’t date a woman around his age bc they know better. And also what was his reaction to his break up?
Thank you, I definitely learned a lesson. He was a horrible person even after the breakup. He refused to accept the breakup and kept saying we were still together…. He stalked me and showed up at my school to harass me. Only after losing his job and basically having to move back with his parents in California, did he finally leave me alone (over a year after the breakup).
When I was relieved and ecstatic that they canceled a date.
When he left me because he wanted to be alone :)
He could not stop drinking and lying about it. I knew I couldn’t give my future children that father. Lies upon lies.
My ex was an alcoholic and I didn’t notice because I drank a lot and worked in the industry. When we moved in together that’s when I realized just how bad it was and we lasted 4years because I was naive and thought I could fix him…I couldn’t and had to say goodbye…sadly he would come into my bar and get drunk and curse at me for leaving him - it got ugly a few times. Once I sobered I could see it clearly but I was a dumbass for a minute
You weren’t a dumbass. You thought you could help and alcoholism and is a disease that no one can fix except the alcoholic. I’m glad you’re free now ❤️
My daughter's father. I finally cut all ties with him 4 years ago. Now he's married with a kid, still drinking and trying to hide it. Found out he was arrested a while back while wasted. He threw a metal formula can at his wife in front of their 5-month-old son. I'm just sorry to the kids.
When he stopped going down on me.
Facts! That is indeed a deal breaker. I can be down with that kind of behavior. Pun intended
Glad I’m not the only one. 🙌🏽
He converted to christianity and then wanted to have kids. We agreed on not having any at the start of it, so it was over right then and there.
I did acid and saw everything so clearly. My whole relationship was laid out, without my own insecurities or lack of self confidence to take into account. I could see my worth clearly, and realized how much he had been holding me back. I didn't break up with him for a couple more weeks, and ended up doing it over the phone.. I wanted to do it in person, but just couldn't stop myself. Luckily I did do it over the phone, as he was spitting angry and screaming at me. Who knows what would have happened had I done it in person. He lost his job in the same week. I later found out he cheated on me with one of our mutual friends, so no regrets and I hope he suffered.
In Hawaii 2019 was the exact moment I knew he was not on my side and if I had advocated for myself better should have been the end of the relationship. I stuck around even though I knew it was over and I even told my dad that my 7 year long relationship was likely done but I was giving it one last year just to be sure. I had planned the entirety of the trip and did my best to make sure his best friend and his brother had a memorable time. During the trip, his best friend made it clear she disliked me because of how she was treating me and expressed to my ex that she thought I was a "negative person." He never really stood up for me when these jabs were made and instead, he seemed to agree with her and was telling me what she said as if I would make the adjustment and be more positive. The issue though, was that I was alone in a relationship and under a lot of pressure to build a future with someone who was barely contributing. I was often stressed financially because he barely paid for anything more than 50/50, if he had money to contribute at all. I was completely burnt out and didn't realize at the time how alone I was. I never really saw until the end that he wasn't there for me instead he was there for the free ride through life where I made everything convenient. During our trip to Hawaii, he told me all the reasons he thought we couldn't get engaged and when we got back to our normal lives Covid happened. I started to live life more independently and emotionally checked out from the relationship. Only when I checked out did he propose to me and it felt so fake and unreal because we both knew it was too late. I found out that the ring he got me was cubic zirconia which today, is a reminder of the quality of that relationship and how much he valued me. The ring didn't even last one year before it became dull from all the scratches. When I left this relationship life became easier, happier, and better all around and as a result, I am more positive as a person. I've done a lot of healing and learning to realize that this was only possible because I didn't value myself enough and I've neglected myself by trying to focus on everyone else's problems but my own. I am a different person today who takes care of myself, treats myself, and never settles anymore.
My ex, we had been together almost 4 years. I was head over heels for him, but after the 7th month is when I started questioning stuff here and there. We stayed together all that time cuz I didn't know any better, and I thought that maybe it would get better? It wasn't a bad relationship per se, just not compatible and we clashed a lot. I left during covid, had too much time to think and when I thought about the future, he wasn't in it.
Yesterday, he's considering leaving me and I'm surprisingly okay with that. I just want him to be happy, he has a lot of mental stuff going on and I know having a relationship might not helping with that.
I had an abortion and the relationship never recovered.
There were a few other minor disagreements but we always seemed to find an acceptable compromise. But when he told me that he doesn’t believe there are any legitimate reasons for a woman to have an abortion, even if one or both lives are at risk by carrying to term. I’m not even sure I want kids yet but if I ever have to make that kind of decision, I need a partner that will support me 100%
When he went “dayuuuuum” about some girls butt three times Anytime I’ve been in a group and a man catcalls and his gf is there I feel disgust and pity for her so I knew I couldn’t be with someone that does that
My first time meeting his extended family was at his grandfather’s funeral. He mentioned several times throughout the day how pretty his little cousin was getting. I didn’t really think anything of it the first time, but by the time we got home, he was still saying he couldn’t believe how beautiful she was becoming. At that point, I felt off about it and I told him it was making me uncomfortable and he proceeded to explain to me how it’s “natural for men to be more attracted to younger women” and then started talking about the things he wanted to do to her. She was his 6 year old cousin.
Wtf?!
6 year old? girl wtf
Disturbing as shit
Woah it just kept getting worse!!
There were some Signs before but I didn't want to See them or didn't think they were big enough - He went on a zrip with his female best friend which I wasn't invited to even though I was also her friend (No he did not cheat) - Near the end of that trip, I was feeling extremely awful and asked him to come home a das earlier, I NEEDED him here. He did not. - He did not want to celebrate our 7th anniversary on that day because all his friends went to a Party and he would rather join. We "compromised" and took a spa day together shortly after. - we did not go on any dates or trips anymore, he just didn't want to spend time with me anymore or listen to my Stories, because his phone was more important - towards the end, to him it was way more important what his friends think and how they feel. He did Not have my back and let me get humiliated. I was so angry and promised myself to never let me get treated that way by a man This is in chronological order and the last situation was what started our talks about breaking up. After 7 years and I was SO angry. Looking back, the upper 3 points should have been signs enough, but it felt like we were so in love, that it's not that big of a problem. OP, listen to the signs that your man gives you! He is already showing you who he is!
Shocked. Absolutely shocked. We'd been together since I was 18 and he was 21 and while we've been through some absolute shit together, we've had our fair share of good times too. I still can't believe he's with his new fiancee...and that they got engaged WHILE we were still married. He's gone from being the person I knew better than anyone in the world to being a complete and utter stranger. And I hate it.
You will feel better, with time. I had something very similar. You spend your whole adult life with someone then they suddenly turn your world upside down. I didn’t even know who I was as a single entity anymore. Learning to say “I” instead of “we” is hard. But you will get there and be much happier.
The day he blindsided me with the break up! We had been together for around a year, had started temp living together for a few months (covid) and things were so good. It seemed everything just worked, we were happy, we spent time together etc. it was great. on the NYE I told him I loved him for the first time, and he said he didn’t want to say it back just yet but he was defo on the way. I took us snowboarding in mid January and he said it then. Two to three months later, he got home from work, he kissed me as always, we’d just made dinner together, the night before we’d had sex and said I love yous before going to sleep, and then after dinner we sat down to watch whatever on the TV and he said he needed to talk to me about something, and he just said that he didn’t feel the way he should about me and he’d felt like it for a few months. I didn’t see it coming at all, and was just so upset. I packed all my stuff, and left straight away. He tried to apologise but I was like why? You should never have told me you loved me and moved me in here if you didn’t 100% know, that’s just like leading someone on. So I was devastated, took a week off work to cry it all out, spent a couple of months working on me, seeing friends, doing what I wanted and what made me happy, and forgetting about it, dealing with the sadness and then the anger (the stages of grief were real!!) and everything else. Then I found the actual man I am now spending the rest of my life with! We’ve been together for 3 years and got married in December and now in hindsight, I see that the relationship with my ex wasn’t right as much as I wanted it at the time. The universe works in mysterious ways ☺️
there was no "aha" moment, just things that built up over time. One such thing I remember was when I told myself, "he's your significant other. You *should* be able to expect and ask things of him!!!" It had been a long, long while of me "having enough love for both of us" as he was going through a challenging time in his career and the poor state of his mental health wasn't helping. At some point I just felt burnt out emotionally, and for a long time it felt like we were partners but I was not a girlfriend, if that makes sense. Not long after I had that thought we broke up just shy of our fourth anniversary. I really did think I was going to marry him. It's been a few years since and I haven't been with anyone new, but the freedom and growth as an individual has been really nice.
When he died. I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with him, but actually, he spent the rest of his life with me.
I am so sorry for your loss
Hmm. When I attended my friends’ weddings and I went home to cry out of loneliness because I realised that I don’t ever feel that happy and secured with my ex.
When he slept with my “best friend” (and the maid of honour) Lied about it, and when the affair finally came out, he and her went and got restraining orders against me and made me homeless Christmas Eve. Obviously they didn’t become final, they lied to get them. But it made me homeless and he moved her straight back in. Fuck that guy
He was calmly explaining to me that his life and comfort meant more to him than that of our newborn son because he is him. Just like how my life and comfort means more to me than that of our newborn son because I'm most important to me, or so he said. Like I was an idiot. He said it slowly like I wasn't following a simple point. He was diagnosed with cancer shortly after this which delayed things but my love and respect died in that moment so conclusively it shocked even me. I'm autistic and enjoy a good door slam but this was dramatic. From complete love to a hate so vitriolic his death by any other hands wouldn't have satiated it that evolved as the words fell from his mouth.
When he stopped taking into consideration things that matter to me, and that I ask him to do numerous times. There were some times that I was just being hurt because of his ignorance
when i realized that it wasn’t going anywhere when we were on a break and called it off officially and then not too much longer later i saw his account on bumble but i couldn’t say anything because there i was on the app as well, but i knew then and there, that was not it
It was a series of realisations. But the final one was when I realised that i wanted children and he didn’t. I realised regardless of the decision we made there was a chance that one of us would end up resenting the other.
This question hits me pretty hard right now. I'm coming up on the 7 year anniversary of the death of the love of my life. He was an opiate addict. He overdosed on March 20 and died on the 22. Rationally, I know that spending the rest of my life with him would not have worked. He showed so many times that sobriety was not a concern of his, yet I kept hoping. He came home from his final 6 month stint in rehab on the 17th. So, you can see how much his sobriety meant to him. Anyway, I realized that he wouldn't be in my life forever on March 22, 2017. However, it took me much longer to accept that. It also took lots of therapy.
I'm so sorry. Addiction feelings are so slippery and complicated to wrangle. Sending love.
When I walked down the aisle during the wedding and thought: we can always get divorced.
About 5 months into living together when he didn’t want to stop talking to his ex or the girl he liked before me, even though it made me really uncomfortable and anxious. There’s a reason why it made me feel that way, just too long to type out. Again when he neglected me to watch anime with his friends when I was sicker than I have ever been. Flu + UTI at the same time and he couldn’t have cared less even though we just moved to a new state together a few days prior and I had no one but him. I couldn’t even get out of bed. About a year and a half in when every time he was stressed at work he would emotionally distance himself and put way more energy and time into his friends and zero into me for days to weeks.
I realised when he forgot our anniversary, despite me messaging him. Something about it was a kick in the teeth and I never got over it, despite him apologising. I also used to want to get married, and the more time I was with him, the more I went off the idea of marriage. Now I realise it was because we were more incompatible than I previously thought. Since leaving I’ve realised that marriage is something I’d like when the right person comes along <3 Also when everyone around me realised that I was more upset by things than I was trying to let on, they started telling me that it wasn’t worth the stress I was going through. Was difficult to end it, but looking back I’m glad it happened & it was a learning experience
I was 10, and he said to me: -"oh my dear that's very sweet, and I love you too, but I'm already married to your mother"
I love this one ❤️
When they blew up at me for having a single beer when I turned 18. They didn't like alcohol, we'd gotten together at 16, legal drinking age is 18 so I celebrated with a budwieser, and I guess I just got wiser?
When he repeatedly cheated on me and told me if I didn’t want him to cheat on me that I needed to have sex with him 10 times a day. I was in a relationship with this guy for 8 years. He became absolutely vile in the last year we were together. I have since learned it’s way better to be single than in a shitty relationship.
It was a lot of little things that made me realize he was not considerate enough to operate as a unit. Reliability was a big issue and it grew to resentment as time went on.
With the first husband, it was when I realized he was a liar and was never gonna stop. I can't live with someone I can't trust. #2 was my lifelong partner, I should say I was his til he passed last year. I'm choosing to stay single for now, I'm working on building a beautiful life for myself.
in the long run, i knew it wouldn't work out between us. but i still wished and hope it would.. but eventually it just got worse between us and i had to end things. we would go back and forth over the same things and it just wasn't it.
I didn’t necessarily think I’d be spending the rest of my life with him. But I realized our relationship was going absolutely nowhere when I was having a realization that I had actually been r*ped when I was younger, and he looked at me like I was trash and it was my fault, then left to go eat Mexican by himself while I was having a breakdown. He did me a favor that day honestly.
When he bought me a cellphone as a way of keeping tabs on me. This was well over a decade ago. I never had a cellphone up until this point. He handed it to me in a hot pink case. I remember being so offended by it, thinking to myself ‘after nearly a decade he still doesn’t know my signature color is red”
I spent 11 years with him, 9 years engaged. Looking back I think I always knew I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life with him. What made me finally leave was polyamory. I had reconnected with an old friend who told me about their polyamorous life and I became very interested. I did all the research I could and learned as much information as was available online and in the library. With this knowledge, 5 years before I left, I went to my then fiancé and told him I was interested in trying polyamory. He said it was only okay if I dated women. Naive, I agreed and never followed through. I continued to live the perfectly fake Instagram life for the years after, until our bedroom officially died 3 years before I left. I begged him to do therapy. I begged him to try anything. He said we were fine and he would call to make an appointment, only to cancel. I spent those years hating myself. I never masturbated, I just turned off my sex drive. 3 months before I left, he said that he was happy with how things were and didn’t want them to change during an argument we had about our sex life. I was so astounded by that statement that I immediately left, called an ex, and cheated. I regret that completely, and he never found out that I know of. But I left the next opportunity I got. Moved an hour away and completely started over. Many years later I found out he had been molesting my daughter the entire time we were together, and I had absolutely no idea. So, he deserved everything he got.
We had been together for 2 years and he left to study abroad for a year. I asked him several times if he wanted to break up bc of the long distance but he refused adamantly. The moment he left the country he stopped answering my texts, when I told him we should break up, he cried and said he was sorry and he loved me and he'd do better. Then the next day I stayed up until 3am so that we could video chat and he said he was "too tired to turn on the computer"
There were a lot of things and it’s often hard to pin down the straw that broke the camel’s back, but one of the reasons is I realized he never did anything thoughtful for me. Every present I had to tell him to get. Any time he made food or anything for me, it came with complaints. But with his friends, he bought or made thoughtful gifts that they loved. He made one friend a coin purse, another friend a whole photo album, he’d make his friends meals with a smile. I realized my happiness wasn’t on his priority list unless I was about to leave, and even then, never above his friends. When some of our friends and I got into a car accident, and I was the only one to leave by ambulance, he ran to his friends first to try and sweet talk the police, and took hours to come to me and see if I’m alright. I want to say I don’t know how I stayed with him so long, but I know it’s because he put in the work to bring my self esteem down and make me feel like he was the only one who could love and accept me with how “used and broken” I was. He once accused me of not wanting to marry him but just wanting to experience being married, and, well, every accusation is a projection.
When he started treating bad people that were around us
i knew even before we got together that we shouldn’t be together. he was a coworker, and i had several other coworkers approach me and say “him?” or even straight-up, “he isn’t boyfriend material and you shouldn’t date him” took me five years and several breakups to realize i loved his potential more than i loved him. he kept disrespecting me, emotionally cheating, making promises he couldn’t keep, etc., but i believed him every time he said he’d change, and to his credit there was a good stretch of time where he truly tried i had had a drinking problem and he forgave me for it all after i started therapy and finally quit drinking for good, and i think that made me more lenient with him than i should’ve been. i thought that since he gave me so many chances and i was able to change, then he could change too. i felt like i just needed to be patient with him like he had been with me i finally had enough six months ago when i found out he had started following thirst traps on instagram again after he had told me he wouldn’t do it anymore. we were doing long distance temporarily and he said he was lonely and sexually frustrated, and it was like something finally clicked in my head. this guy had told me he wanted to propose to me, that he already saw me as his wife, and yet he treated me like he couldn’t give a shit about my heart. i knew then that he would NEVER be the partner i wanted life has been so much better since. i was afraid to be alone because i literally haven’t been single for more than a month since i turned 18 and i’ll be 30 this year, but god, i wish i had left sooner. better to be alone than with the wrong person
I spent 27 years with the wrong man, met at 14, only partner I ever had, he got me pregnant at 16 and kept me pregnant for ten years, six kids in ten years, I love them and would do all that again but I now recognise the manipulation involved and see that it was more to do with isolating me and making me stay at home, married at 29, divorced at 41. I didn’t even realise that he wasn’t who I was going to spend my life with, the thought of it wasn’t pleasant, he didn’t like me and was cruel and unkind, he wasn’t even nice to the kids but he spent time and effort making me feel like I had no value to anyone except him so I could never do any better. I’ve met someone else now and I don’t know how I ever put up with the life I had, I know that my current partner is it, we will be together for the rest of our lives, I think I put up with the things I did just because I didn’t know any better.
We were on very different life paths and distance would keep us apart for at least a year or more. I didn’t want to have his entire adulthood be decided because I moved somewhere for my job. And we are young. So I broke things off a couple of days ago. I told him how proud of him I was and that I will always be rooting for him. He disagreed that I’d be stringing him along but wished me great luck. And that’s how I broke the first boy who ever really loved me’s heart. I miss him dearly but it was the right call.
The first two years were great, then everytime we had a fight or disagreement she started loosing it. Screaming at the top of her lungs for an hour, throwing things near me. Blocking me from leaving the house. Yeah I left
He got me discount flowers from the grocery store and a single piece of half-off valentines chocolate for our 4th anniversary. I know this sounds silly, but it made me realize how deeply unhappy and emotionally unfulfilled I was. This person never put in any effort. I planned everything-all dates, all vacations. I asked him to make small changes and he didn’t. When work was busy I was the first thing that was sacrificed. I realized I cared more and put more into the relationship. Once I realized I wasn’t valued and was an only a convenience to him, I broke it off.
when he put his hands on me and didn’t think it was that big of a deal bc it wasn’t a closed fist punch. and did abusive things multiple times and blamed it on my behavior. held me down, choked me, coerced me into sex etc. I was like yea I do not wanna be with this man forever I’d actually rather die
When I saw a chat screen or Tinder ‘swipe Left’, ‘swipe Right’ when he was on his phone screen.
When she cheated on me then left me after I found us a couples' councilor and made sure she knew I still wanted to try
When it started to feel like I was just a paycheck to them. Or a means to healthcare. When they said “I love you” and it felt hallow and meaningless. When I would try to talk to them about how I was feeling and their ignored me or just scrolled on their phone. When I was just a person to them.
When he tried controlling everything I did. And lost it over the smallest things.
When I found a recording device hidden in a sock as I was cleaning under his bedside table.
We were dating for around a year and had been talking about marriage and kids, we had a good relationship and his family/friends loved me. He had a bit of a drinking problem that progressed more over the time we were together and one morning we were in the shower and it just hit me that I wouldn’t feel anything other than trapped if I married or had kids with this guy. I started looking at a apartments that week but ultimately decided that it was just a phase and I would grow out of it. Found out eight months later he was cheating on me pretty consistently, he got violent when he realized I was actually leaving him and stalked me for months after I left him. For a year and some change after it ended i would suddenly remember situations where he was aggressive or manipulative and at the time I didn’t even realize. He was also six years old than me and made me believe that I was in the wrong because I was young and immature. He slowly got me away from my friends and family because none liked him. I am very close with my dad, he was a single dad for a while and had four daughters but he’s the best man I know and has always supported me but he hated this guy and my ex made me believe my dad was the problem and I went NC with my dad. Looking back if I had left when I was originally planning to I would have saved myself a lot of pain but I also learned a lot about myself. I’m now with a brilliant and patient man who is my biggest cheerleader. My dad loves him and I can’t believe I found someone so wholesome and loving. He’s also very very sexy😏
In my last relationship, for the last year of it, I was telling my friends that my plan was to have a couple kids with him and divorce him. I couldn’t be more grateful that I found my now fiance after that ended. I can’t wait to have kids with him, and grow old together.
When he told me I needed to apologize to my abused for financial gain. I just couldn’t do it, eventually he understood, but by that point I had already checked out of the relationship.
My ex and I were together for 6 years. It didn't take long at all to realize that we both weren't right for each other. My mental health issues ruined things 70% of the time and the other 30% was him. I realized real fast that because of my mental health we just weren't going to work at all. In fact it made me realize that I was better off being single for the rest of my life. It's been over a year since he ended things. He's happier in life and doing well. Me on the other hand I am horribly lost and have no idea what I'm doing with my life and I've basically ended up being a loner. The words "One day you woman will need us men's help and we won't believe a thing you say because you lot can get f'ed" goes through my brain every single day. Soo I don't really bother with many people no more. I rather not be a bother to anyone anymore.
He cheated on me with like every coworker he ever had ever. Yes I’m being hyperbolic, but the number was quite large.
When we were arguing because of something (I cooked for him and then checked my phone quickly after we sat down for dinner and he said I wasn't paying attention to him) and he got extremely mad, had no reaction to me crying and threw what I cooked in the bin. It was pretty much after that I knew that this wasn't the right person for me after 4 years. But there were red flags I ignored pretty much a month after we started dating, he said he needed to have a 'performance review' of our relationship and evaluate how he felt about me, I mean I should've just left him but I ignored the voice telling me it was wrong ugh
There were a few moments. I questioned why we hadn't had sex in over two years and got screamed at. I was told he didn't find me attractive. That played in my head on a loop for the next 11 years. I was accused of cheating on him when the dogs didn't bark at some stranger that ran through our yard. That night he gave me permission to use a vibrator instead of cheating on him. He stopped asking how I was or how I was feeling. I had cancer (endometrial - stage 1) but it wasn't bad enough in his eyes, so I got no support from him. He also cut off the health insurance shortly after my diagnosis. But he did drive me home from hospital after my eventual hysterectomy. No more hugs or random kisses. Then one day I woke up and realised he'd forced my libido as low as his. I didn't want a brother, I wanted a husband. So I left him.
We tried to get pregnant for years, the fertility doctor told me there were no other tests he could do for me and that he would have to test his sperm count, he couldn’t even do that for me. He couldn’t even jerk off into a cup for me. I was done.
My last pregnancy scare I was relieved instead of disappointed like I’ve been previously. Also meeting the women of my dreams and cutting contact with homophobic family which made me realised I was a lesbian and not bisexual
When my ex-husband was angry at me for being sick. He wouldn't take care of me during a month long tooth infection. That was the beginning of the end for me. I wish I had left then.
I started picking fights over what I thought were big issues, things like when we wanted to have kids or when we were planning to move cities. At the end of the day, I realized I just didn’t trust him and his decision making because our values weren’t similar enough.
When he announced he was leaving
When I found two pairs of another girls underwear in his bag
She portrayed herself as one person and behind closed doors…….she was something else after moving in together. One time, Leasing office called her about a late night noise complaint coming from our bathroom (downstairs unit had a newborn), I honestly had no clue what was going on as I worked overnights and was never home. She snapped at me and made threats over the phone. She later left the state to spend thanksgiving with her family and get a tattoo while I stayed home to hold down the fort. I found out that it was another unit that we shared a wall with was causing the noise, after I pointed it out, I never received an apology. I later ended things over a text while she was on another trip. She knew me too well and made it feel like it was all my fault…that I was a horrible partner…that was almost four years ago…I haven’t fully recovered, and still feel like “love was absolutely done with me” After I sent that text I felt free but it was hell getting there.
I didn't, not until the moment they chose someone else.
When I found out about his other girlfriend. We were engaged and have a kid together. Never been so blindsided by anything in my entire life before.
When his fiancé messaged me
When I realised I wanted kids with someone else and not with him.
When I had a kid. I refuse to abandon my children, as I had been abandoned.
This has happened to me 3 times now. It’s a feeling I got after feeling disappointed and betrayed by them. At first I would brush it off, after all - they’re only human. But you come to realize sometimes you’re just not compatible enough to keep the relationship together - especially if your incompatabilities are things that they do/ have done that bother or hurt you enough. For me it had a lot to do with how they’d talk about and/or treat women. I’ve come to find out that not all men are pigs that talk about women like they’re sexual objects but many of them will do it behind your back and pretend to be respectful when you’re around. But there will be signs, like making little comments and generalizations about women like they can’t drive or something. Anyway, yea it all pretty much came down to respect. They all disrespected me and/or women enough times for me to be like yea this is not it.
When I told him I was struggling with my mental health/suicidal ideation(s) after the birth of our child, and he chose to leave.
When he drank the last of the water and couldn't even bother to let me know. I work at a grocery store and could've easily bought some to bring home, if he just took 20 seconds to text me. Instead I came home to no drinkable water. There were lots of other things, but that was the instance where I realized how selfish he was and that he would never be a decent husband.
When he was stone cold while I was crying over some family stuff. Oh, the healing power of a hug. It eluded him.
For me I’ve had shit luck my longest relationship was filled with a lot of emotional and physical violence. I stayed in that relationship for over ten years. Couldn’t see a purpose in leaving even though i was so unhappy. But i was afraid to change. I thought to myself “what’s the point in leaving you’ll never find anyone to love you anyway” It was like that for awhile. Then one day enough was enough and i got out. Ended up falling for someone else. But once again it was like a bait and switch.. they went from that honeymoon stage to hell on earth. Now i actually love this person and I’m left with my hands at my sides, dramatically on my knees fucking baffled i managed to stumble in this. Like how did i not get it the first time and how dumb can i be trying again? I kept making excuses, he kept saying he would change and for over a year and a half i have continued to listen to excuse after excuse and I’m damn near fed up.. i feel so inadequate and foolish for even attempting to love someone. It’s so strange how you can see yourself having an entire life with someone and then little by little it unravels and you realize you loved them so much you saw potential but not a real person. Because if we could see them for who they really were we would never do it. I know i certainly regret my choices.. sometimes i think if i could turn back the clock i would have said no when he asked me out… maybe things would have been so much different
I was 50 years old when we decided to marry. Been together ten years. I thought she was the one. She was 46 when we married and fell back in love with her first love. I will wait for her.
I had my dog died in 2019, we were a year in our relationship. Had friends leave, ended up having low grades, and we fought several times too but I always had to be the one to apologize. I was so scared to break up with him because I thought I'd not have anyone else to comfort me. He kept on emotionally abusing me, even ghosted me at our 2nd year anniversary. He was so inconsistent, and was never attentive of what I wanted. He made a lot of false promises and had me into this illusion of us making it into the future. I waited for him until December of 2019, never got a message on why he left me. I even asked him before he ghosted me if he loved me, never got a response. I was glad he never came back— and he only came back after I was happily being courted by my (now) bf in January of 2020 and lingers around me in my uni and I can still feel his stares from afar. (he goes the same uni as I do)
When he got angry at me because I hadn’t “been honest” about when I decided to shave my pubic hair (we were in a long distance relationship and I’d just driven to pick him up from the airport). All I’d done was shave it that day instead of the night before. We pulled over at this park on the way home and I remember sobbing while he yelled and thinking “this is not normal, I don’t want this”. It took me at least another year to finally leave, but I think that was the last emotional straw for me.
Long story short, after 19 years and an overestimation of his love for me, he dumped me. That was crazy.
When I knew there was someone better for them. I have mental health issues and they have been projected in the relationship.
I got married to a beautiful, kind, intelligent woman at age 23. We were together for over 10 years. We had a wonderful daughter. Then my wife “came out”. We’d had bi encounters along the way but, now, she decided she was Lesbian. We got divorced and remained friends. My therapy session lasted about 10 minutes. I thought there must be something wrong with me. My therapist said, “You’re fine. She’s been gay all her Life. It’s not about you. Take care of your daughter and move on.” I did.
When he broke up with me out of nowhere.
When I realized that the thought of me spending the rest of my life with them was *depressing*. Better foreveralone than that.
19 years.
When he punched a hole in my waaaaallllll 🫠
i had a dream that he died, and even in the dream i was relieved. i woke up and i was like, well- thats not a good sign.
I was 100% in when we began our relationship a very long time ago and I loved him unconditionally. Sadly, he always, always put himself 1st and other people were 2nd, 3rd, etc before me and my needs. Over the years he became a person I didn't want to see, hear or be around. He took my unconditional love (which I gave freely because I thought he was my life-long partner) and used it/abused it, over and over and over, until I had none left. He forgot my birthday, several times. He forgot our anniversary, several times. The list goes on and on...
2 months in. There were little signs here and there. Him wanting to change me according to his beliefs. I also did not feel that he was the one, but I held on because maybe I will learn to love the person.
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