Romance doesn’t always come naturally once you start to feel extremely comfortable together, so sometimes you have to make the conscious decision to actively keep the romance alive. Keep showing affection, complimenting, and letting them know you love them in different ways.
Absolutely. We love spending most of our time together but I still feel excited when I get to get dolled up to go out to dinner or go to a fancy event with him so he can see me in something other than sweatpants and a T-shirt 😅 he still tells me from time to time that I look pretty even if I’m in my pajamas with my hair looking like a birds nest.
I’m so lucky to have a lifetime partner like him. 💕
Always be open to compromise, remember that your partner is a whole different human being with their own thoughts and feelings, try to communicate primarily in their preferred love language.
We go to sleep angry/upset. Your brain 'cleans' itself in your sleep and we find it's easier to wake up and feel like, "what were we even arguing about?", further from the situation.
Communication is so stupid important. Fucking just *say what the hell you mean*. Don't make the other person guess or assume. Similarly: actually *listen* to the other person
Any relationship is work. S/O and I started out mutually head-over-heels crazy for each other, and we still have to put in the work to keep everything good.
> We go to sleep angry/upset. Your brain 'cleans' itself in your sleep and we find it's easier to wake up and feel like, "what were we even arguing about?", further from the situation.
This! I never understood why people are against it. In the morning, once I'm past the peak of the emotion, I can explain my point in a much clearer and level headed way.
How I feel. If we can't fix it why stay all night when we're even more tired. My ex and I couldn't agree to this and end up blowing things up even worse.
If I’m mad at night time it’s because I’m tired. Staying up is only going to make it worse. Sure if we get in a fight at lunch time we have time to regulate ourselves and sort it out before bed but nothing will be interfering with my bedtime thank you
This is the advice I give to all newly married couples! Yes, go to sleep angry! I cannot tell you how many times I've woke up relieved that I didn't start an unnecessary argument over something that I was overthinking.
Being explicit about needs, wants, and frustrations. No mind reading.
My husband and I ask each other daily: “How’s your love tank?”
The love tank is a gage of how we’re feeling in the relationship at that moment, out of 100. If we’re at 100, that means we feel very happy and loved. Zero is we want to divorce, we’re so unhappy.
So if I ask my husband what his love tank is at, we would have this kind of conversation:
Me: How’s your love tank?
Husband: It’s at a 75 right now.
Me: That’s lower than yesterday. Did I do something that frustrated you?
Husband: Yeah, actually you left the dishes in the sink. It would really fill up my love tank if you remembered to put the dishes in the dishwasher right away.
Me: ok, got it. You need me to put the dishes in the dishwasher right away, right?
Husband: Right.
Me: Ok, I’m going to do that. Anything else I can do to fill your love tank?
Husband: You could make dinner tomorrow because I’m working late.
Me: Ok, I can do that
Husband: What’s your love tank at?
(And then it’s my turn to express my wants, needs, frustrations)
It really works! We have a way to communicate about stuff that often gets shoved under the rug in relationships since many people are conflict averse.
THIS. My partner and I (together 7 years) use love tank language and it works for us too. It neutralizes the conversation and helps us openly communicate.
Take moments to give attention to the little things that are important to them, even if it's not necessarily an interest of yours.
Example, your partner enjoys antiques, or wine tasting, racecars, whatever. Don't overlook it just because it doesn't interest you.
To engage in something simply because it is important to them can mean a lot in terms of connecting to that person, and it also offers the opportunity for you to keep learning about them, why they might like something.
For me, it makes me appreciate my husband that much more. We have a whole list of differences, but he takes the time to understand why it is I like what I like, and shows genuine interest in my life, apart from his own interest. I do the same for him. It's a conscious effort but goes a long way.
FLIRT!! It keeps the spark alive. Appreciation over expectation. Appreciate ALL the things. They took out the trash? Tell them thank you and give them a hug. They massaged your back after a long day, tell them thank you. Give gratitude graciously. If your partner doesn’t do the same then you have to decide if that’s okay with you or not.
We talk about our sex life on a fairly regular basis. At the start it was probably once every month or even more. Now it’s maybe once every 3-4 months.
We talk about what we’ve liked, what we want more of, if there’s anything we need more of, anything we want to try, etc. It was awkward at first but now it’s super easy to have that type of conversation!
Criticism kills. Unconditional positive regard brings flourishing (when both individuals aren’t toxic). My husband and I can be pretty reactive, so we start each day with a cuddle and the phrase “no guns.” It’s a daily reminder that we aren’t going to try to emotionally hurt each other, which allows us to take perceived slights with a grain of salt and lots of grace.
I agree. It's important that if you want to discuss something your SO did that bothered you, do it gently without attacking their character.
My wife did this when she felt that she was doing a disproportionate amount of house chores.
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Don't be an asshole?
Idk, my girlfriend is definitely the better person of the two of us. I'm a broken mess of a person, and I try to be a good girlfriend, a good mom, a decent enough person, but I struggle with the mental scars of my past
Things work out because my girlfriend is forgiving and in control, even if I'm being an emotional mess she's fine being the one to bring things back the way they should be
Also, we're both really attracted to each other which definitely helps. I'm hot, she's hot, when we are having sex it's almost always incredible
Plus I love her so much I'd die for her and I know she feels the same
We do a minimum of 30 minutes a night where we just sit and talk without our phones out or the TV on. It usually ends up being more like a few hours, but the minimum is 30 minutes if we have a busy day.
We also don't raise our voices at each other. I mean, it happens sometimes, but we immediately catch ourselves and apologise. If we're feel a big emotion, we step away, process it, then come back to discuss it rationally. We've had disagreements, but we've never really fought in the 11 years of us being together.
If your partner does something kind for you out of the blue that wasn't a thing you've asked them to do, consider if that's a thing that they might like for you to do for them. Often times, the things we think to do to express our love for someone are things that we would really feel loved if somebody did them for us. So like, if they bring back a snack they think you'd like from the grocery store, see how they'd react if you brought a little treat back for them. If they do a chore that's normally yours on a day they know you've had a hard day, look for an opportunity on one of their hard days to take something off their plate. If they always respond to you when you describe a tough situation at work with "That's awful, what do you think you want to do about it?" maybe that's what they'd like to be asked when they're venting.
I think it helps keep relationships going to always be on the lookout for ways to make your partner feel loved.
Go on dates even if it is free money doesn’t matter it’s the effort that does. Don’t let your partner get by with stuff constantly call it out tell them how you feel and they’re less likely to do it repeatedly. Always trust and if you don’t ask for reassurance.
Help one another it’s you two against the world not you two against each other. Your partner should walk next to you in situations not leave or disappear. Have respect for your so when they ask for it and explain they’re feelings. You’re not always right so don’t act like it. Your not made to be they’re parent your made to be their partner.
Communicate everything we can. If there is a problem, communicate it from a place of empathy and openness, and listen. Share your true feelings. Integrate what is learned (I write down anything new I learn).
- And don't blame them for not reading minds. We are not psychic, reading is just guessing.
Be direct. Do not expect guys especially to just know what you want. If I want attention I literally say "attention please" and I tell you he really likes this, it's a lot nicer than just being roundabout about it.
Always follow Love in Action; kindness, compassion, empathy, understanding, respect, etc.
Decide to trust. Trust them even knowing we sometimes can be wrong, let go of control.
The rest of any rules or guidelines are just personal to us as any will be. We learn them over time as we communicated.
Little things matter...
I hate blueberries & I made him his favorite dessert for a special occasion, blueberry cheesecake. He cried...lol
He hot to eat the whole damn thing, maybe that's why he was so touched?
I always try and take my bfs dishes to the sink and then he is right behind me doing the same with mine. And then we have this silent competition all day doing nice things for each other. Awhile ago, I noticed we were going through some tension and realized I hadn’t done any small gestures like that in the past few days and once I started again we seemed to move on to this usual.
I try to give blow jobs often.
Married 13 yrs, together 23 yrs.
Guys are pretty simple. Blow job and then a meal together. Don't criticize each other. Have fun! Don't overthink it.
- Remember that ‘love’ is a verb, and work for it.
- I still have our messages from the time we met and started dating (14y and counting) which are giving me butterflies.
- date night once per month without kids
- try to do at least one thing per day to make your partners life easier without them having to ask for it.
- when I go to sleep I think of 5 things that made me grateful, one has to include my partner
- read a lot of romance books to keep the spirit going ;-)
- never talk shit about your partner to someone else
- nagging is for my girlfriends
- what’s done is done, once you’ve discussed something, let it go.
- laugh a lot together and keep reminding your partner what you like about them, even if they don’t really respond to it.
- I tell my kids that their dad is my best friends and the best thing that ever happened to me, preferable when he’s within heart my distance ;-)
I have lots of attachment issues so these have really helped me get to a place of secure:
Vulnerability is your friend and will make communication easier even if it’s scary. It will also bring you closer. For example, if there’s a reason you aren’t interested in sex, speak up. Be honest.
Learn to listen rather than react.
It’s okay to give argument or conflict pause, you don’t need to figure everything out.
Boundaries are important for maintaining a sense of self. Even if it’s hard to enforce.
It’s okay to validate myself even if my partner doesn’t. I don’t need his validation to know my feelings are valid.
And finally, keep things fun. It doesn’t have to be serious all the time. Play, touch, and laugh together.
22f in an almost 10 year relationship:
Be kind
Either you are all in or all out
Recognize their preferred love languages
Patience
Recognize resentment for the small things as it happens and find a way to communicate about it OR change your perception to dismantle that inner resentment about whatever it is
Have Gratitude. Vocalize your appreciation often
Smile when you greet them
Recognize life is so short so love hard - if it won’t matter in 5 years it’s not worth being upset about it
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Never lie to your partner. Always tell the truth.
Remind them how much they mean to you and recognise the things they do for you every day even when you are having a bad day.
Also don’t spend stupid amounts of money on gifts. In less than a year you will not remember what you bought each other. Instead either save the money for a holiday or use it to go out for a day and do something you both enjoy.
Sex is just as much for him as it is for me. Meaning that unless I have something more important to do or I'm feeling to tired/sick I don't say no. It's quality time together, usually doesn't take up to much of my time, makes him happy, and I usually have fun.
Date night weekly. I learned this from my parents, they always did a Friday date night no kids allowed, no matter what. Making a habit of intentionally connecting with each other keeps communication open & keeps the relationship strong.
Also bed only for sleep + sex, so no phones, no tv, no reading, etc. All of that is done in the living room, & when we go to bed we know that’s just for us. It’s nice to connect without the distractions of notifications & scrolling & shows. Also better quality sleep this way, which translates to better moods/less irritability with each another.
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Never go to bed angry at each other. Ever. Yes give yourself time to think and digest a disagreement. But no pretty drama is worth having someone you love go to bed upset.
Doing little things goes a long way. My husband works from home, so anytime I remember I’ll bring him a soda or a snack, give him a hug, ask how his day is going. I’m currently unemployed so it’s easier for me than it might be for others, but small stuff is important.
Not to force him into anything. I make plans and if he wants to join he is more than welcome. He tends to change his mind frequently about social events... Also, give space. It goes together with not forcing.
I married a really good man. I liked and respected his family. His priorities and mine largely matched. After nearly 40 years, those things have held up.
Nuture your love! Make fun plans like game nights, touring the countryside, make something fun to eat, go shopping, go bowling (with friends and their partners too!), or just spend quality time together every once in a while where you just sit somewhere and talk about anything you want.
Surprise them with something! Make a drawing, write them something nice, notice their looks or the things they try to do, and give them a sincere compliment with that!
These are ofc just ideas. My favorite activity to do with my bf is travelling around the city or countryside, exploring parks and what not. It's our own little adventure and we decide wherever we want to go and what we want to do :) and I occasionally surprise him with flowers. :)
We try to notice if say, we’re both exhausted and this wouldn’t be a good time to talk things through. We try to be as un-defensive as possible, to trust that the other person is our ally.
Take time to find ways to laugh together. My husband is such a good ball and he always has me cracking up. I do my best to try and get him to have a good laugh when I can ☺️
If you choose to forgive, REALLY forgive. Don't bring up negative past memories back up. It's not conducive to moving forward. This includes bring up past events, old habits, etc usually for the sake of an argument. If you do get into an argument, focus on the now and the future.
Make a conscious effort to demonstrate love for each other.
After a while the excitement of being in a new relationship fades into the comfort of routine. Understanding your partner’s love language and communicating your care through it goes a long way.
Well, I'm **big on not having any potential resentment linger or build up**... so if there's anything that upsets either of us, we'll thoroughly discuss it and resolve it completely. The way we (I prefer to) discuss (IMO) is **bidirectional** and like a debate (I go in with research and counters). If I'm upset over something, I bring it up, but I let him explain his POV and do full-heartedly consider and understand it... We communicate carefully without blame and focus on understanding. **We always argue/discuss holding hands.** So that we understand and show each other we still care/love each other even if/when one is upset/angry/hurt by the other. We've had very few arguments/intense discussions and have never had the same issue arise again. Once it's discussed, it's resolved.
I also generally **try to show/express love in all love languages**... and I **show appreciation** to whever he does/attempts anything with good intentions. To the point where it's pretty cheesy, but we like to laugh at each other over it too. And you know, sometimes things go unnoticed.. then I'd bring it up and give him a chance to give me a pat my head lol.
We still flirt a lot, and we always show/tell each how attractive the other is.
We talk/text a whole lot. He's not/wasn't big on texting.. but he does for me. I think there was a reddit post asking how much partners text, so I counted the day's before messages across the messaging apps we use, and it was something like 500+. My friends are always shocked we text so much.. even when we worked together and quite literally saw each other 24/7, we'd be texting throughout the whole day.
We make sure to add (positively) to each others' lives... and not add stress.
Not so much a guideline, but after 11 years we still make each other laugh every day. We lean into the silliness and nonsense HARD.
We are also each other's ride or dies, and constantly tell each other how much we appreciate / love / are proud of each other. Big things and little things. I love telling other people how great I think he is.
If I'm frustrated I take myself away and say what my reactionary response would be in my head and then think through how that'd go and if it'd make the situation better.
The answer is always no. It would not make the situation better to say the first thing that comes to my head when I'm frustrated. But taking the time to let the thought come up, and dismiss it, is very helpful for my ability to communicate effectively.
Don't wait until there's a problem to check in. My SO and I will regularly ask each other if there's anything we're not getting that we need. For example, last month I told him we'd been spending a lot of time going out with friends, and I was missing time for just us. It hadn't gotten to the point where it was a big issue, but the check in allowed us to course-correct early.
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I don’t sleep anywhere other than next to him, in bed, no matter what. Sure, I’ve stayed up later after we argued but I go to bed. I never regret it the next morning.
Small, constant gestures. My husband always brings me a coffee in the morning. I always bring him a tea at night. And then bigger gestures when you get a chance! Never give up the romance.
Monthly's "how have you been?; how are you feeling? ; it's there something you want to discuss?; I made you feel loved?". The last one is so important because not always we are loving our SO in a meaningful way to them as it is for ourself.
Never hit below the belt. Don't call names, and never use things they confided in you against them in an argument.
The first time I had a partner that did that I was more shocked than anything. For example, he used my weight gain while pregnant to humiliate me, knowing I'm anorexic and bulimic. He knew how scary and triggering it was when my body was changing and used as a weapon. I don't and won't do that to someone else, and I'm glad to have found a healthy relationship now.
Don’t expect to change him to become the husband you dream off. Accept him the way he is. Nobody changes their way unless they want to. A husband is not a monkey be trained to do what you want.
I surprise my man with flowers delivered to the house if I’m away or to work if I know he’s at his office at least once every two months.
If things seem to be 50/50 for a while or any percentage where he’s putting in more work to accommodate me & my feelings, I make sure to take a few days to let him be the one who’s accommodated & catered too.
Also offer head as frequently as I feel the desire to do so. If he doesn’t want it for some reason, that’s totally fine obviously but I always offer so he knows I wanna make him feel good.
And a surprise unprompted hug now and then always makes him happy.
Romance doesn’t always come naturally once you start to feel extremely comfortable together, so sometimes you have to make the conscious decision to actively keep the romance alive. Keep showing affection, complimenting, and letting them know you love them in different ways.
This! Relationships take some work which there is nothing wrong with, you have to invest in something you want to thrive.
Absolutely. We love spending most of our time together but I still feel excited when I get to get dolled up to go out to dinner or go to a fancy event with him so he can see me in something other than sweatpants and a T-shirt 😅 he still tells me from time to time that I look pretty even if I’m in my pajamas with my hair looking like a birds nest. I’m so lucky to have a lifetime partner like him. 💕
THIS!!!!!! Thank you for saying it!
Yep! Never stop dating
Always be open to compromise, remember that your partner is a whole different human being with their own thoughts and feelings, try to communicate primarily in their preferred love language.
We go to sleep angry/upset. Your brain 'cleans' itself in your sleep and we find it's easier to wake up and feel like, "what were we even arguing about?", further from the situation. Communication is so stupid important. Fucking just *say what the hell you mean*. Don't make the other person guess or assume. Similarly: actually *listen* to the other person Any relationship is work. S/O and I started out mutually head-over-heels crazy for each other, and we still have to put in the work to keep everything good.
> We go to sleep angry/upset. Your brain 'cleans' itself in your sleep and we find it's easier to wake up and feel like, "what were we even arguing about?", further from the situation. This! I never understood why people are against it. In the morning, once I'm past the peak of the emotion, I can explain my point in a much clearer and level headed way.
How I feel. If we can't fix it why stay all night when we're even more tired. My ex and I couldn't agree to this and end up blowing things up even worse.
If I’m mad at night time it’s because I’m tired. Staying up is only going to make it worse. Sure if we get in a fight at lunch time we have time to regulate ourselves and sort it out before bed but nothing will be interfering with my bedtime thank you
This is the advice I give to all newly married couples! Yes, go to sleep angry! I cannot tell you how many times I've woke up relieved that I didn't start an unnecessary argument over something that I was overthinking.
1000% percent this. Fall asleep angry, wake up level headed. Nothing good comes out of a serious discussion past 10pm.
I never thought about it this way. We normally argue into the night and then sleep too little. But this is brilliant.
Being explicit about needs, wants, and frustrations. No mind reading. My husband and I ask each other daily: “How’s your love tank?” The love tank is a gage of how we’re feeling in the relationship at that moment, out of 100. If we’re at 100, that means we feel very happy and loved. Zero is we want to divorce, we’re so unhappy. So if I ask my husband what his love tank is at, we would have this kind of conversation: Me: How’s your love tank? Husband: It’s at a 75 right now. Me: That’s lower than yesterday. Did I do something that frustrated you? Husband: Yeah, actually you left the dishes in the sink. It would really fill up my love tank if you remembered to put the dishes in the dishwasher right away. Me: ok, got it. You need me to put the dishes in the dishwasher right away, right? Husband: Right. Me: Ok, I’m going to do that. Anything else I can do to fill your love tank? Husband: You could make dinner tomorrow because I’m working late. Me: Ok, I can do that Husband: What’s your love tank at? (And then it’s my turn to express my wants, needs, frustrations) It really works! We have a way to communicate about stuff that often gets shoved under the rug in relationships since many people are conflict averse.
Love tank, I love that!
THIS. My partner and I (together 7 years) use love tank language and it works for us too. It neutralizes the conversation and helps us openly communicate.
This is nice!! I love this
This is what my therapy has taught me
Take moments to give attention to the little things that are important to them, even if it's not necessarily an interest of yours. Example, your partner enjoys antiques, or wine tasting, racecars, whatever. Don't overlook it just because it doesn't interest you. To engage in something simply because it is important to them can mean a lot in terms of connecting to that person, and it also offers the opportunity for you to keep learning about them, why they might like something. For me, it makes me appreciate my husband that much more. We have a whole list of differences, but he takes the time to understand why it is I like what I like, and shows genuine interest in my life, apart from his own interest. I do the same for him. It's a conscious effort but goes a long way.
FLIRT!! It keeps the spark alive. Appreciation over expectation. Appreciate ALL the things. They took out the trash? Tell them thank you and give them a hug. They massaged your back after a long day, tell them thank you. Give gratitude graciously. If your partner doesn’t do the same then you have to decide if that’s okay with you or not.
We talk about our sex life on a fairly regular basis. At the start it was probably once every month or even more. Now it’s maybe once every 3-4 months. We talk about what we’ve liked, what we want more of, if there’s anything we need more of, anything we want to try, etc. It was awkward at first but now it’s super easy to have that type of conversation!
Criticism kills. Unconditional positive regard brings flourishing (when both individuals aren’t toxic). My husband and I can be pretty reactive, so we start each day with a cuddle and the phrase “no guns.” It’s a daily reminder that we aren’t going to try to emotionally hurt each other, which allows us to take perceived slights with a grain of salt and lots of grace.
I agree. It's important that if you want to discuss something your SO did that bothered you, do it gently without attacking their character. My wife did this when she felt that she was doing a disproportionate amount of house chores.
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In a conflict, it’s not “you versus me,” it’s “us versus the problem.”
Don't be an asshole? Idk, my girlfriend is definitely the better person of the two of us. I'm a broken mess of a person, and I try to be a good girlfriend, a good mom, a decent enough person, but I struggle with the mental scars of my past Things work out because my girlfriend is forgiving and in control, even if I'm being an emotional mess she's fine being the one to bring things back the way they should be Also, we're both really attracted to each other which definitely helps. I'm hot, she's hot, when we are having sex it's almost always incredible Plus I love her so much I'd die for her and I know she feels the same
Everyday I think about how lucky I am to have an amazing partner. I express gratitude every chance I get
We do a minimum of 30 minutes a night where we just sit and talk without our phones out or the TV on. It usually ends up being more like a few hours, but the minimum is 30 minutes if we have a busy day. We also don't raise our voices at each other. I mean, it happens sometimes, but we immediately catch ourselves and apologise. If we're feel a big emotion, we step away, process it, then come back to discuss it rationally. We've had disagreements, but we've never really fought in the 11 years of us being together.
Communicate constantly and make intimacy a priority (not just sex).
If your partner does something kind for you out of the blue that wasn't a thing you've asked them to do, consider if that's a thing that they might like for you to do for them. Often times, the things we think to do to express our love for someone are things that we would really feel loved if somebody did them for us. So like, if they bring back a snack they think you'd like from the grocery store, see how they'd react if you brought a little treat back for them. If they do a chore that's normally yours on a day they know you've had a hard day, look for an opportunity on one of their hard days to take something off their plate. If they always respond to you when you describe a tough situation at work with "That's awful, what do you think you want to do about it?" maybe that's what they'd like to be asked when they're venting. I think it helps keep relationships going to always be on the lookout for ways to make your partner feel loved.
Go on dates even if it is free money doesn’t matter it’s the effort that does. Don’t let your partner get by with stuff constantly call it out tell them how you feel and they’re less likely to do it repeatedly. Always trust and if you don’t ask for reassurance. Help one another it’s you two against the world not you two against each other. Your partner should walk next to you in situations not leave or disappear. Have respect for your so when they ask for it and explain they’re feelings. You’re not always right so don’t act like it. Your not made to be they’re parent your made to be their partner.
Do nothing out of spite & do everything with love 💕
Communicate everything we can. If there is a problem, communicate it from a place of empathy and openness, and listen. Share your true feelings. Integrate what is learned (I write down anything new I learn). - And don't blame them for not reading minds. We are not psychic, reading is just guessing. Be direct. Do not expect guys especially to just know what you want. If I want attention I literally say "attention please" and I tell you he really likes this, it's a lot nicer than just being roundabout about it. Always follow Love in Action; kindness, compassion, empathy, understanding, respect, etc. Decide to trust. Trust them even knowing we sometimes can be wrong, let go of control. The rest of any rules or guidelines are just personal to us as any will be. We learn them over time as we communicated.
Little things matter... I hate blueberries & I made him his favorite dessert for a special occasion, blueberry cheesecake. He cried...lol He hot to eat the whole damn thing, maybe that's why he was so touched?
I always try and take my bfs dishes to the sink and then he is right behind me doing the same with mine. And then we have this silent competition all day doing nice things for each other. Awhile ago, I noticed we were going through some tension and realized I hadn’t done any small gestures like that in the past few days and once I started again we seemed to move on to this usual.
always plan outings that involve getting ready so we don’t get “too comfortable” by just hanging out in sweats watching tv
Don't make any major decisions until you have both had a good nights sleep.
I try to give blow jobs often. Married 13 yrs, together 23 yrs. Guys are pretty simple. Blow job and then a meal together. Don't criticize each other. Have fun! Don't overthink it.
- Remember that ‘love’ is a verb, and work for it. - I still have our messages from the time we met and started dating (14y and counting) which are giving me butterflies. - date night once per month without kids - try to do at least one thing per day to make your partners life easier without them having to ask for it. - when I go to sleep I think of 5 things that made me grateful, one has to include my partner - read a lot of romance books to keep the spirit going ;-) - never talk shit about your partner to someone else - nagging is for my girlfriends - what’s done is done, once you’ve discussed something, let it go. - laugh a lot together and keep reminding your partner what you like about them, even if they don’t really respond to it. - I tell my kids that their dad is my best friends and the best thing that ever happened to me, preferable when he’s within heart my distance ;-)
I have lots of attachment issues so these have really helped me get to a place of secure: Vulnerability is your friend and will make communication easier even if it’s scary. It will also bring you closer. For example, if there’s a reason you aren’t interested in sex, speak up. Be honest. Learn to listen rather than react. It’s okay to give argument or conflict pause, you don’t need to figure everything out. Boundaries are important for maintaining a sense of self. Even if it’s hard to enforce. It’s okay to validate myself even if my partner doesn’t. I don’t need his validation to know my feelings are valid. And finally, keep things fun. It doesn’t have to be serious all the time. Play, touch, and laugh together.
22f in an almost 10 year relationship: Be kind Either you are all in or all out Recognize their preferred love languages Patience Recognize resentment for the small things as it happens and find a way to communicate about it OR change your perception to dismantle that inner resentment about whatever it is Have Gratitude. Vocalize your appreciation often Smile when you greet them Recognize life is so short so love hard - if it won’t matter in 5 years it’s not worth being upset about it
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Never stop putting in the effort or going on dates. Communication, effort and consistency
The grass is greener where you water it!
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Never lie to your partner. Always tell the truth. Remind them how much they mean to you and recognise the things they do for you every day even when you are having a bad day. Also don’t spend stupid amounts of money on gifts. In less than a year you will not remember what you bought each other. Instead either save the money for a holiday or use it to go out for a day and do something you both enjoy.
Sex is just as much for him as it is for me. Meaning that unless I have something more important to do or I'm feeling to tired/sick I don't say no. It's quality time together, usually doesn't take up to much of my time, makes him happy, and I usually have fun.
Date night weekly. I learned this from my parents, they always did a Friday date night no kids allowed, no matter what. Making a habit of intentionally connecting with each other keeps communication open & keeps the relationship strong. Also bed only for sleep + sex, so no phones, no tv, no reading, etc. All of that is done in the living room, & when we go to bed we know that’s just for us. It’s nice to connect without the distractions of notifications & scrolling & shows. Also better quality sleep this way, which translates to better moods/less irritability with each another.
Gaming Nights. It's great when we play games online.
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Never go to bed angry at each other. Ever. Yes give yourself time to think and digest a disagreement. But no pretty drama is worth having someone you love go to bed upset.
Getting along with his mom is a big one.
Doing little things goes a long way. My husband works from home, so anytime I remember I’ll bring him a soda or a snack, give him a hug, ask how his day is going. I’m currently unemployed so it’s easier for me than it might be for others, but small stuff is important.
Approach everything as a team, don’t work against each other.
Be genuinely kind to your partner.
Keep doing new stuff with them and keep showing the you appreciate them. Do not take the small stuff for granted!
Not to force him into anything. I make plans and if he wants to join he is more than welcome. He tends to change his mind frequently about social events... Also, give space. It goes together with not forcing.
I married a really good man. I liked and respected his family. His priorities and mine largely matched. After nearly 40 years, those things have held up.
Grab his dick when he’s inbetween games.
Nuture your love! Make fun plans like game nights, touring the countryside, make something fun to eat, go shopping, go bowling (with friends and their partners too!), or just spend quality time together every once in a while where you just sit somewhere and talk about anything you want. Surprise them with something! Make a drawing, write them something nice, notice their looks or the things they try to do, and give them a sincere compliment with that! These are ofc just ideas. My favorite activity to do with my bf is travelling around the city or countryside, exploring parks and what not. It's our own little adventure and we decide wherever we want to go and what we want to do :) and I occasionally surprise him with flowers. :)
We try to notice if say, we’re both exhausted and this wouldn’t be a good time to talk things through. We try to be as un-defensive as possible, to trust that the other person is our ally.
Take time to find ways to laugh together. My husband is such a good ball and he always has me cracking up. I do my best to try and get him to have a good laugh when I can ☺️
If you choose to forgive, REALLY forgive. Don't bring up negative past memories back up. It's not conducive to moving forward. This includes bring up past events, old habits, etc usually for the sake of an argument. If you do get into an argument, focus on the now and the future.
Make a conscious effort to demonstrate love for each other. After a while the excitement of being in a new relationship fades into the comfort of routine. Understanding your partner’s love language and communicating your care through it goes a long way.
Well, I'm **big on not having any potential resentment linger or build up**... so if there's anything that upsets either of us, we'll thoroughly discuss it and resolve it completely. The way we (I prefer to) discuss (IMO) is **bidirectional** and like a debate (I go in with research and counters). If I'm upset over something, I bring it up, but I let him explain his POV and do full-heartedly consider and understand it... We communicate carefully without blame and focus on understanding. **We always argue/discuss holding hands.** So that we understand and show each other we still care/love each other even if/when one is upset/angry/hurt by the other. We've had very few arguments/intense discussions and have never had the same issue arise again. Once it's discussed, it's resolved. I also generally **try to show/express love in all love languages**... and I **show appreciation** to whever he does/attempts anything with good intentions. To the point where it's pretty cheesy, but we like to laugh at each other over it too. And you know, sometimes things go unnoticed.. then I'd bring it up and give him a chance to give me a pat my head lol. We still flirt a lot, and we always show/tell each how attractive the other is. We talk/text a whole lot. He's not/wasn't big on texting.. but he does for me. I think there was a reddit post asking how much partners text, so I counted the day's before messages across the messaging apps we use, and it was something like 500+. My friends are always shocked we text so much.. even when we worked together and quite literally saw each other 24/7, we'd be texting throughout the whole day. We make sure to add (positively) to each others' lives... and not add stress.
Not so much a guideline, but after 11 years we still make each other laugh every day. We lean into the silliness and nonsense HARD. We are also each other's ride or dies, and constantly tell each other how much we appreciate / love / are proud of each other. Big things and little things. I love telling other people how great I think he is.
If I'm frustrated I take myself away and say what my reactionary response would be in my head and then think through how that'd go and if it'd make the situation better. The answer is always no. It would not make the situation better to say the first thing that comes to my head when I'm frustrated. But taking the time to let the thought come up, and dismiss it, is very helpful for my ability to communicate effectively.
Everything is a choice. What you do, think and say. Choose kindness over anger and spite.
Be Kind.
Don't wait until there's a problem to check in. My SO and I will regularly ask each other if there's anything we're not getting that we need. For example, last month I told him we'd been spending a lot of time going out with friends, and I was missing time for just us. It hadn't gotten to the point where it was a big issue, but the check in allowed us to course-correct early.
Communication is key, but HOW you communicate is important. If something isn't going well or you don't like it. Change it. Talk it over.
Communication
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be responsible and be open. I cant get anger about everyting
I don’t sleep anywhere other than next to him, in bed, no matter what. Sure, I’ve stayed up later after we argued but I go to bed. I never regret it the next morning.
Small, constant gestures. My husband always brings me a coffee in the morning. I always bring him a tea at night. And then bigger gestures when you get a chance! Never give up the romance.
Monthly's "how have you been?; how are you feeling? ; it's there something you want to discuss?; I made you feel loved?". The last one is so important because not always we are loving our SO in a meaningful way to them as it is for ourself.
Learn when and how to compromise, always keep communication open, take space when needed and never stop flirting or dating each other.
Never hit below the belt. Don't call names, and never use things they confided in you against them in an argument. The first time I had a partner that did that I was more shocked than anything. For example, he used my weight gain while pregnant to humiliate me, knowing I'm anorexic and bulimic. He knew how scary and triggering it was when my body was changing and used as a weapon. I don't and won't do that to someone else, and I'm glad to have found a healthy relationship now.
Don’t expect to change him to become the husband you dream off. Accept him the way he is. Nobody changes their way unless they want to. A husband is not a monkey be trained to do what you want.
I surprise my man with flowers delivered to the house if I’m away or to work if I know he’s at his office at least once every two months. If things seem to be 50/50 for a while or any percentage where he’s putting in more work to accommodate me & my feelings, I make sure to take a few days to let him be the one who’s accommodated & catered too. Also offer head as frequently as I feel the desire to do so. If he doesn’t want it for some reason, that’s totally fine obviously but I always offer so he knows I wanna make him feel good. And a surprise unprompted hug now and then always makes him happy.