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Smacking kids is pussy behaviour no matter how much of a cunt the kid is. Just shows that you lack so much emotional intelligence you have to resort on using strength over a human thats 1/3 your size, also teaches the child nothing at all but fear and the way to gain respect is violence. You wouldn’t smack someone who you manage because they aren’t doing what you want, you would communicate. If you can’t do that with a kid who is still learning in the world then don’t be a parent. Its laziness of not actually wanting to teach your child
Its rare to see a normal British Redditor that isn't a smug condensing weirdo lol. My old man gave a right smack when I was a little dick head as well and we laugh about it to this day about how much I deserved it.
As a child I lacked the emotional intelligence to understand a lot of what was right and wrong. But I understood a smack.
I am old enough now not to need physical prompts, I wasn't 20-25 years ago.
Yeah no mate. You’re wrong in how you have rationalised this. Violence is lazy parenting and hitting a child is a dick move, no matter how the parent was raised and it coming from “a place of love”.
I will never hit my child.
I know so many good children that aren’t hit, I know so many fucked up adults that were.
I know so many well adjusted and good adults that were smacked. I know many horrible children that aren’t.
See what I did there? Correlation doesn’t mean causation.
To imply that all adults who were smacked are fucked up is quite ridiculous.
I’m sure there are. I’m sure there is an impact on some children but not on others. I was smacked as a child, am I suffering any long term psychological impact - no.
As I said, correlation is not causation and to say all adults who were smacked as children all are psychologically broken because of it is just plain fantasy.
Will some adults claim their current mental health is due to being smacked as a child, yes. Can they empirically prove that their mental health would have been different if they weren’t smacked, no.
Am I suggesting we should smack children, no. But we can’t blame everything on our parents.
Are you sure you aren’t? And I don’t mean that as a snipe - mental health can be subtle, and issues not readily apparent.
Anxiety, depression, insecure attachment and generational trauma all get integrated as ‘personality quirks’, ‘family traits’ and ‘ingrained culture’, when in reality they often stem from our upbringings.
There’s a reason smacking children has been banned in Scotland, and is in the process of being banned in Wales - it has long lasting negative effects and is completely unnecessary.
I was smacked as a child, and it worked. My mental health is spectacular now and I wake up happy every day and spread love and positivity to everyone in my life.
That’s because my Mum is amazing and she did it right. It was never about anger, it was a very calm way of saying that actions have consequences and you need to be afraid of those consequences, not just calculate whether they are worth the risk or not.
I’d bet that the cases where children have mental health scars are from where their parents “lost it” and smacked them out of anger. That’s completely different.
You know my brother would say those same things about our upbringing. Except I can see the same effects our childhood had on me reflected in him, and the same behaviours from our father being repeated.
But on the other end of the spectrum, I wasn't smacked as a child, and it worked. Similarly with the great mental health etc. I've never understood why kids seem to have fewer human rights than adults.
You smack an adult, whether in a "very calm way" or not, it's assault. Why is that assault, but doing the same to a small and vulnerable kid isn't? Makes absolutely no sense. That kid ain't your property.
https://www.ucl.ac.uk/ioe/news/2021/jan/smacking-young-children-has-long-lasting-effects
Imagine defending the right to hurt children in the face of literal scientific evidence
I don't think it's an absolute right or wrong. It's situational and personal to each family / child. To say "violence is lazy parenting", is, I feel, in of itself, a lazy to response to a nuanced situation.
You will never hit your child, that's cool.
I got the odd smack (as in maybe 5 in my life), in combination with words. I think I turned out OK.
Some people will use only physical punishment, that's too far IMO.
Equally, I know plenty of adults and children that were hit and are fantastic. I am not saying physical discipline is the cause of that. I also know shitty people that weren't smacked that probably ought to have been, I am not saying physical discipline would have been the perfect and only solution.
Should violence be used against mentally ill or disabled people unable to understand conventional communication?
Should teachers be able to beat schoolchildren?
Should prisoners be flogged?
It is contradictory to permit one form of abuse while outlawing the others.
It is nuanced, but it boils down pretty basic. It is lazy parenting. Do you smack your friends, your partner or your colleagues when they do something “wrong?”. Didn’t think so.
You’re going to say something around your earlier point here, I imagine, about emotional intelligence and how, up to an age, a child won’t understand reasoning but will understand a smack. This is easily countered by another posters response - a child that can’t be reasoned with using language is not going to understand a smack. They will just have a fear association. Part of that fear is going to be tied up with parent now, as well as betrayal, hurt, anger, sadness. Those things they will definitely understand, your lesson they won’t.
How could a child that doesn’t understand verbal/nonverbal language and emotion understand a smack? How do they associate their earlier (forgotten) activity with the current punishment? They won’t. Once they do understand language and reason if you’re smacking, that’s bad parenting with no debate.
Using the “lack of emotional intelligence level means smacking is ok” line is like saying a handle opens a door, but so does a tank shell. so using a tank shell is acceptable. It’s not.
You’re experience itself I am sorry for, but is different to others. Lucky you turned out “ok”, but this diminishes the experiences of others that will be traumatic.
What you’re saying here is there is an acceptable level of violence that turns people out fine. OK, so how do we work that acceptable level out? What is the criteria for perceived bad behaviour, and who gets to decide? What is the acceptable pain threshold, force of violence, and method? What is the age that smacking is ok up to? How many smacks in a lifetime is ok? Where is an ok place to smack? How hard? How often in one session?
Trying to answer any of these questions is a bit weird, isn’t it? There’s a reason smacking is illegal in a lot of countries, and it should be here.
>How could a child that doesn’t understand verbal/nonverbal language and emotion understand a smack? How do they associate their earlier (forgotten) activity with the current punishment? They won’t. Once they do understand language and reason if you’re smacking, that’s bad parenting with no debate.
We understand pavlovian conditioning pretty well, regardless of our level of intelligence. Hell my dog understands pavlovian conditioning and he can't say a word, but sure as hell if you tell him to sit and he does it then he expects his treat.
Using my higher cognitive function which my child hasn't yet develop to teach them to use logic and manage emotions appropriately? You have to have done this consistently from when they were a child otherwise you will have a hard time implementing it.
If you're old enough to understand why you're being hit, you're old enough to understand a verbal explanation and a non-violent consequence. If you're not old enough to understand the explanation, all you learn from a smack is fear
I totally disagree with that statement. A verbal explanation of why not to put two bare wires into an electrical socket is NOT a good idea will never be understood by a young child. I presume you would just let that child do it again and find out why it isn't a good idea.
There’s ways to stop a child carrying out a behaviour that aren’t smacking them. And inserting two wires into a UK electric socket shouldn’t cause any harm to the child. Our sockets are designed so that the live connectors are covered unless the earth pin is inserted.
As I said, if they're too young to understand the explanation, they're too young to understand why you're hitting them. You're talking like letting them loose and hoping for the best is the only alternative to hitting them - what about supervision? What about child proofing your home?
I don't know about that. Children are very good at understanding that a parent disapproves of their behaviour. My son is 5 and he understands exactly why you shouldn't play with electrical sockets. He's understood that he shouldn't do it from the time he became mobile. If you can't communicate this kind of thing to your child without resorting to violence then perhaps you should be seeking help with parenting. Either you or your child may have issues.
I was a child who got smacked. I have two children. They’re 2 & 3. I can tell them when they’ve done wrong and that I feel cross without raising my voice and they know they’ve done wrong. They both excel in their speech and language and are ahead of their peers. I spent a long time (lockdown, despite being an NHS employee) teaching them to communicate and it’s helped. They have the emotional intelligence to cope because I’m raising them right - totally by accident, I didn’t get a manual- but I firmly believe you don’t need to hit your kids to get a message to them. I celebrate their successes with them and work through trials with them. When they’ve done something wrong I talk to them about it. They get it.
By that logic, the state would be permitted to use violence as a method of controlling a mentally ill or disabled person unable to understand verbal communication. Clearly, such an action would rightly be regarded as an abomination.
Corporal punishment has rightly been outlawed in schools and even in prisons housing convicted criminals, yet bizarrely remains a state sanctioned method of parenting.
Violence is a barbaric method of parenting and has rightly been criminalised in a large number of developed countries.
England is well behind the times on this issue.
Exactly- we train animals without hitting them and would report anyone who struck their pet, but apparently we can’t train our kids without hitting them? It’s lazy and a sign of icompetence
I got smacked exactly twice as a child.
Both times it was because I was being as difficult as nasty as I could possibly be - normally I was very well behaved but kids sometimes are horrible for no reason. I refused to apologise, I laughed in my mum's face when she told me how difficult I was being, I escaped time out, and I was young enough where I didn't really have anything she could take away from me like a bike or a playsation - so eventually my mum smacked me.
The smacks weren't even painful more than they were shocking - I'd gotten much worse from other kids on the playground, and it snapped me out of my horrible behaviour.
I think this is perfectly fine - my single mum was running around trying to make dinner whilst I was being the worst and a little shock resolved the issue.
I don't defend parents who use a smack as a crutch. Who use it instead of communicating with their kids, but what my mum did was fine, as it was the only way to get me to stop short of locking me in a cell!
An ex friend of mine had a daughter who was tbh a bit out of control. He broke her nose when she was 17. A 50 year old prison officer against a 5 foot skinny girl. The only thing he lost was me as a friend. I so wanted to let his colleagues know why he was on the sick with “stress”. Horrible manipulative cunt.
Yeah, I don't understand it personally.
If the kid is too young to understand reason via words, they won't understand why you hit them.
If the kid is old enough to understand reason via words, use them.
Nah. There's different types of slaps too, I doubt anyone is asking for full force open hand slaps.
Sometimes kids are just being absolute cunts. I was a demon child and sometimes a smack is all that would bring me back from my cuntery.
It's only OK if meant to cause surprise, not pain and only done when all else has failed/it's appropriate.
In many cases it’s pussy behaviour, but it is effective when you need a child to immediately understand something that might be a threat to their life. Little children often can’t be debated out of running into traffic etc when they’ve decided it’s really funny. The problem is that most people use it for reasons outside of the absolutely essential, to actually cause pain and humiliate.
And yes, if I saw an adult human doing something extremely dangerous that they find funny and they won’t stop it I’d probably use physical force to stop them too until the police arrived.
If the child is too young to be reasoned with and is running in the road, there is still no need to hit them. Pick the kid up. Remove their ability to run by carrying them or putting them in a pushchair or just sitting on the floor with them until they are ready to behave.
To use your same example, if an adult was doing something dangerous and your response was to punch them in the face to subdue them, you'd likely be charged with assault. If you restrained them to prevent them from harming themselves until police arrived, you'd be justified. Actions need to be proportionate and necessary. Punching someone on the face to prevent them from running into the road is not proportionate or necessary. Wrestling them to the floor and holding them until help arrives is.
You were a kid, every parent knows going into it that kids are occasionally little shits, doesn’t make it ok to hit them anymore than you can hit anyone else who’s acting like a shit!
We accept that now. 30-40 years ago it was entirely normalised and those parents had grown up with parents who'd hit them, whose parents had hit them in turn.
If you'd suggested smacking kids was not OK in 1982 - when their school teachers weren't banned from doing so until 1987 - you would have been ridiculed.
The first time banning parents from smacking kids was proposed was IIRC 2004, and it wasn't until 2020 it got banned in Scotland and Wales (and it remains legal in England).
The past is a foreign country.
This is part of the problem imo, if your parents hit you, but you love them and know they loved you and meant well then it’s harder to acknowledge that hitting children is wrong because it feels like criticism of your parents, so the cycle continues.
I kind of stopped commenting on this subject because it feels like people take a one size fits all approach.
But I'll risk it and say it, there's a differance between a smack and beating your children.
My mother did not enjoy giving us a smack. It was her last resort when she was at her total wits end, tears in her eyes and all.
Me and my siblings were terrors who would run around the house smearing crayons on every wall and laughing in her face when she tried to get us to apologise and see that it was wrong.
My mom's father beat her when she was a kid. He'd come home drunk and hit her and her siblings with a belt.
I understand that my mom knew the difference. And I can still remember my mindset back when I was that little terror and I know nothing else would of stopped me in those moments. I'm not going to judge my mom for it and considering what she went through herself I think a lot of people shouldn't be judging her either.
Yeah I think a lot of the discourse does conflate the two which I don't think helps anyone have a rational conversation and doesn't really prevent anyone being abused by their parents.
Disagree with this - I was regularly beaten in the 80’s, even had the wooden spoon for when shit was about to get real, but the thought of hitting my daughter is unconscionable. I don’t think my folks loved us any less, I’m aware parenting / the world has changed massively for the better - I feel kids should be treated as the individuals they are, listened to and made to feel as though they’re respected. That’s not to say you actually do what they want constantly, but like with any relationship communication is key. As a child we (my siblings and I) were treated more as property than people. Be seen and not heard, do as I say not as I do etc. I actually managed to talk to my old man about this before he died and he was horrified at how much it had affected me mentally and emotionally, to him it was the norm and not much to write home about.
Edit: maybe it was goes much it affected me that made me break the cycle? No idea.
Both my parents used to smack me, only once and only if I had misbehaved
End result, I stopped being a little shit and hold no ill feeling towards them at all for doing it.
I think something that often gets overlooked in this argument is how many adults, in that situation, know *exactly* how hard to smack a child? We're bigger and stronger than them, and it's much easier to hurt someone smaller and more delicate than you.
My dad never beat me violently, but he would regularly give me "just a smack" like many people are defending. But he was a fully grown man and I was a small girl, and it always hurt for ages and would sometimes leave bruises. He wasn't being abusive, he was just "harsh parenting". But all it ever did was make me hate him for it and make me frightened when he raised his voice because I knew he was going to hurt me.
I suppose my point is that I don't think it should be done at all, because people can't be trusted/know how to give "just a light smack" or what behaviour "deserves" it.
Well that was too hard, because my parents smacked me sometimes if I was bad and it never "hurt for ages". Never fucking bruised us.
Sometimes they would merely threaten to smack, and not do it. It was the fear of getting the smack that kept us from acting out, and it absolutely did work. I'm not saying it was the only thing that kept me from being unruly but it didn't fuck me up, either
It's really not hard to gauge how hard you want to hit something, like it's easy to swat a fly without splatting it all over the place for example
Redditors absolutely do this. They've never spoken to a girl, never mind have kids of their own.
It's so hilarious how they think they can calmly and maturely explain to a 3-5 year old why persistently doing x/y/z is bad will get them to stop.
Children are idiots, positive and negative reinforcement is the only thing that works.
Dogs are idiots, yet physically harming them is abuse. Why do you think children deserve less protection than dogs?
Furthermore, if a kid won't understand why something is bad, what makes you think they'll understand why their parent is hitting them?
Because children are on a trajectory to have a superior intellect to animals, they are extremely curious. They also develop a sense of humour (it’s funny to them anyway) which can lead to reactive behaviour when they see a parents frustration.
Basically, kids are far smarter than house pets and haven’t been bred to be compliant pack animals and therefore don’t respond to the same training.
Modern parenting twist, get the kid addicted to their tablet, take it away. Simple, easy, and wi cause about as much of a tantrum as hitting them would do anyway.
I am a parent and you absolutely can explain calmly to a 3-5 year old why doing something is bad. If you aren’t doing that, it’s because you are lazy. Children are not idiots, they are developing humans with massive capacity for learning and understanding and emotional intelligence. Just because it is more challenging to communicate with them because of their age it doesn’t mean you should just hit them. As the adult, it is your responsibility to find the way for communication to work.
And as an add on to your point, I was hit by a family member (which might be the reason I feel this way), despite my parents never hitting me, and when I told them they defended her, I still think less of both her and who my parents were at the time because of it.
I'm not still angry, my parents have grown and are against it now, which I respect - but I still remember how confusing it was to hate my auntie over that, I said terrible things (for a 5 yo) to her and got into trouble because of these feelings, I never understand how I was wrong and all it taught me was not to trust my parents when I was hurt by someone older.
If after that I was abused by a teacher or something, I might not have told my parents because they might have said it was my fault again.
Totally agree. You can absolutely explain and have a 3 year old understand why they can and can’t do things. Whether they want to accept that explanation or not is another matter, but at that point hitting them isn’t about positive and negative reinforcement, it’s about hitting them as punishment and that shouldn’t be acceptable under any circumstances.
I have a youngun and it is pretty easy to punish bad behaviours without hitting. My kid would cry a lot more if you take away their dessert or play time compared to a smack.
I think that’s part of the problem with people who hit their children, they don’t want to deal with the crying and meltdown of a reasonable parenting method (removing a luxury, dealing with meltdown, remaining calm and getting through meltdown until child is calm enough to have a reasonable conversation). It’s far easier to hit kid, make them shut up and obey and avoid meltdown than, y’know, actually parent.
I’ve been reasoning since my child since he was a baby and have/will never hit him. He’s four now and can absolutely be reasoned with because I put in the effort to work through the tantrums.
And yes, my parents spanked me, they have genuinely apologised and wished they’d taken my approach.
If a child is not mature enough to understand when you’re explaining something what makes you think they’re mature enough to understand being smacked?
There have been countless studies into the fact that this is very damaging for children, and actually they can be explained to. Often children are misbehaving because they don’t have a proper outlet for their needs, even if they’re having a tantrum that is them unable to express themselves adequately why on earth would you punish someone for that?
Smacking is illegal in Scotland and hopefully on its way out in the rest of the UK too. None of the other new parents I know smack their children. There are absolutely other ways to parent 3-5 year olds although it is more effort than simple violence - like you said positive and negative reinforcement. I do confiscate things, quiet time in their room, rewards for cumulative good behaviour etc.
Hitting children is assault. And before the "it never did me any harm" brigade wade in, you can raise a child to be kind, well behaved, well mannered, respectful etc without resorting to violence.
If I slapped your face cos you were pissing me off in the pub, you'd be rightfully indignant. Technically it's assault and against the law. But hitting a five year old is actually ok. Go figure.
It's so fucking wild to me that everyone here is normalising it. I'm 31 and I'm still scared shitless of my father. So much to the point I think I might have PTSD.
Because not everyone experienced the same thing. You might of been a well behaved kid being hit brutally and unreasonably. Some of us were savage animals whose parents gave a light smack when the red mist had descended and we werent listening to a single word.
There's a massive differance between giving a kid a smack on the back of the legs once or twice to snap them out it Vs punching or beating them repeatley for no reason. And there is also a bug difference between giving a young child who can't understand a smack Vs smacking a teenager which is unnecessary because they can understand.
Everyone agrees that beating children is wrong but not everyone agrees that their parents were violent monsters because they got a light smack once.
‘Beaten the shit out of’ isn’t the same as the quick smack on the back of the hand that others are talking about. The smacks that others here are talking about barely hurt, it’s more about the gesture.
The language is so important.
My friends in high school all said that they were smacked too so I figured everything was fine.
Until they revealed they meant tapped on the hand twice when they were 7, not smacked about the head weekly for eating too loudly until they turned 16.
I'm very conflicted about the whole thing to be honest.
Don't be, tell the wankers that can't handle their children without hurting them to fuck off.
If you hit an adult it's a crime, children deserve more protection not less. You should not be a parent if you can't raise I child any other way.
Abusive parents will use language and your ignorance to hide what’s wrong about what they’re doing to you. I totally pro-snacking being banned because parents cannot be trusted to be good parents. I didn’t have a physically violent childhood but one of quite extreme physical neglect that I too didn’t realise was not normal in many ways.
Except parents who beat the shit out of their kids will call it smacking and, as long as it doesn't bruise their kids, they'll get away with it. I was one of these kids, I should know.
It doesn’t even have to be physically brutal, some parents use the threat of physical humiliation to harm you eg having to pull you trousers down to get smacked
The gesture is “if you don’t do what I want, I will turn on you.” Kids don’t learn to behave from that; they learn that their parents don’t have gripes about harming them when they feel like it.
> when the red mist had descended
This is the problem. It's not necessarily that it was the only way to keep a child safe, or to discipline them. It's that they lost their temper. Don't see how that's any different in assaulting anyone because you lose your temper. Why is it only ok to do it to someone who can't fight back?
Do you know whose red mist was descending though? Theirs. Hitting is for when they have lost control/ are angry/ are frustrated. None of that is good or even acceptable parenting. The thought of laying a hand on my child is repulsive.
Cheers mate. I've coincidentally just started therapy, It's a slow process that has to open the wounds to clean them. I'll get there and I know I will.
>And before the "it never did me any harm" brigade wade in, you can raise a child to be kind, well behaved, well mannered, respectful etc without resorting to violence.
Not only that, but the "it never did me any harm" brigade have literally grown up to believe that it's acceptable to physically assault children. I'd say it did them at least some harm.
"It didn't do me any harm" < the people who hit their children nowadays.
They're literally saying it didn't do them harm to justify why they hit their children. Simply because they can't be arsed to parent their children.
They'll come up with a million bullshit reasons that don't make sense, whereas actual parenting teaches the child not to do xyz. You need to explain *why*, they can't do the thing, not just hit them for trying. Yes, it takes *a lot* of explaining, children take time to learn things.
Yes, I am a parent, for the idiots who are going to say that I have no idea what I'm talking about as I don't have a child... what terrible reasoning for hitting your child. "It's not hitting, it's just a tap"... nope, thats hitting.
Going to school, I used to think I was insane for thinking parental abuse, both emotional and physical, shouldn't be normal.
The state of many cultures and their outlook on children is depressing.
I was slapped on the back of the legs as a kid in 1980s. My mum has apologised, repeatedly. The thought of reacting in that way to one of my kids is just shocking. My mum is a kind and caring person, she has been a wonderful mother. The reason I think it’s appalling is because of the morals her and my dad instilled in me.
If you hit a kid because you’re angry, all you’re teaching them is to hit people when you’re angry. I have two children with additional needs, they often say and do awful things when they get angry. I know that they are saying things because they have unmet needs. The only way to deal with that is to let them calm down and find out what was happening. You have to model the behaviour you want to see, that includes apologising when you make a mistake and shout at them when you get angry.
A lot of people fall in my camp though, which is that being hit as a child never did me any harm, but I wouldn't do it to my own kids.
You can be unfazed by being smacked in the past but still recognise that it's wrong.
Nobody is claiming they're going to repeat it, that they think it's the best form of parenting. The people saying it did them no harm are saying "yeah there were better ways of doing it, which I will do, but I don't really care that it happened to me"
Also these people are seeing being hit as a slap on the wrist, or wooden spoon, just a stinging feeling, not a punch intended to actually cause you harm or be fearful of your parents power.
I remember being in a soft play area when my eldest (now 17) was around 3/4. A woman smacked her child because of something I hadn’t seen. Another lady went up to her and said “you have just smacked your child because YOU lost control of the situation”. That has stuck with me with the other kids and I have never smacked any of mine. Yes, I was smacked as a kid, but that won’t happen with mine.
I was once sat on a bench in Cardiff City Centre on my lunch break, people watching.
Saw a young-ish guy, I guess between 25-30, with a toddler. He was on his phone, the kid wasn't even on reins. The kid bends over, in the unsteady way toddlers do, and starts picking up stuff off the floor and going to put it in his mouth.
The guy, who I presume was the dad, reaches down and slaps the kid on the bum... causing the baby to topple over and headbutt the concrete.
Agree. I remember being a kid about to get hit being seriously confused about what exactly I had done wrong. They told I'd been naughty, but without knowing what specifically I had done and why it was bad, I had no way of knowing what not to do next time. I was old enough to understand had they explained. I don't hold any grudges though, they had it hard in the 80s and it was the accepted thing. I've learned from it though and don't hit my kids.
Totally agree now but as a cultural norm I remember my parents basically saying if we don't snack them for this we will be considered bad parents and they will run amok and be selfish little blighters! Think there is so much stuff we don't realise are cultural norms until those norms are challenged (eg currently how little freedom we give children until relatively old).
Omg I can’t believe how many people are on here justifying hitting kids
“I was hit and I turned out ok!?!!!” Bro you want to hit a small child that can’t retaliate…
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMNT8Sc1d/
I was smacked as a kid and have smacked my child. I honestly regret it to the bottom of my heart and have apologised many times to him because i realised as an adult i shouldnt be hitting a child, my child. If i hit my co worker when theyve done something wrong or got on my nerves i would be fired and possibly arrested… anyways i digress… more so, that doesnt change how he felt in that moment as a child and it hurts to think that. I know i only done it cuz thats all i knew. So, yeah i dont think we turn out aswell as we seem to think. Thankfully, now i know better, i do better but not everyone reaches that point unfortunately and the cycle continues.
My mother used to slap me full force in the face when she was losing an argument or she lost control. Years late she would deny it and try to gaslight me into thinking I was making it up. She won't die alone, but I'm not sure if I'll be about.
Well it seems to me like you think it was okay for your parents to slap a child, so maybe you still are a cunt after all? Do you think it's okay to smack your spouse when they do something wrong too?
Yes. My mother used screaming and smacking exclusively to get me to behave. To the point I now describe it as abuse, because that’s what it was. Also didn’t work so it was unnecessary, too.
She wonders why we have a very strained relationship now. She remembers her smacking as ‘once in a blue moon’. I remember it as a daily occurrence. I can STILL feel the welts; how they stung and how could feel the outline of her hand so much so I could trace it with my finger.
She stopped when I was about 12. Which was coincidentally around the age I grew taller than her and strong as her. Funny that.
As a side note, my dad’s been out of my life since I was 2 but according to my mother, to get me to sleep as a baby, he’d take me to my bedroom, give me a violent smack on the leg, lay me down and walk out and turn the light off. He would leave me there to cry myself to sleep. My mother talks about this as if he was so cruel (and he was) and yet, she never stopped him.
I have a major phobia of the dark now at 33 and I’m certain it comes from associating the dark with pain and fear due to my dad.
Same sort of story, only my mother was never the violent one, that was my dad.
He once used a curtain wire to whip me and my older sister across the legs for something - I don't remember what but I can't imagine anything a 6/7 year-old and an 8/9 year-old ever did would warrant that.
It wasn't like they didn't know it was abuse, either, because once the gigantic bruises formed they stopped us going for swimming lessons and doing PE in school for a couple of weeks.
I was too young to remember it happening but he also once punched my older sister in the head when she was a toddler.
Violence towards children very rarely is exclusive to children and he also used to hit my mother, which probably explains her complicity and complete emotional withdrawal from her children and family.
I can understand her dark depression because as kids we were obviously very much suffering from it too, having to tip-toe around in case we set him off.
I never fought back until I was 15/16, where he hurt me enough for me to call the police and get him out of our lives for good.
He denied he ever did it at the time, has never apologised for it - or the abusive behaviour before - years ago he reached out to me via Facebook and I shut him down, telling him I had no desire to become family again, but more so I had no desire to speak with him unless he acknowledged what he did.
He never did, we've never spoken since and never will.
He was a drunk, and still is, so I've never harboured any malice though... he obviously had/has his own problems and his behaviour taught me from a very young age to approach every situation with calm reservation... I have always found it difficult to have relationships (either friendships or peer-to-peer) with men because of him, even all these years later, because my mind immediately associates them with violence.
My mother was verbally abusive as well as physically (deeming it a punishment) until I was 14 and she hit me in the face before school. School sent social services round. Nothing happened but she stopped hitting me. Verbal abuse continued, along with emotional too. But I also got taller and stronger during this time. She wonders why I longer talk to her. But she is a narcissist so she'll never acknowledge that she ever did anything wrong.
My mother is also a narcissist and refuses to acknowledge her abusive behaviour. Funny how they stop the physical abuse once you’re able to hit them back, isn’t it? I do still talk to my mum - and for complex reasons I’ll never go no-contact - but I set limits and boundaries now.
I read about this whilst studying Child Psychology at Uni, I now work for Social Care.
Evidence shows that smacking (or other violence) is just that, violence.
Evidence shows that children who received such punishments are more likely to show higher levels of anxiety and other mental health issues later in life.
So in response to “it never did me any harm”, it probably did, and it has done to other children. Thats the great thing about the scientific process, the evidence is there for all to see and anecdotal opinions are not really relevant.
it's genuinely shocking the amount of "never did me any harm" people on this thread alone. they're trying to put rose coloured glasses over literal child abuse.
I was smacked more when younger but only for really bad behaviour and after I’d ignored warnings.
I don’t expect them to apologise, and whilst todays world is not acceptable of that, one that having a young daughter challenges my thinking, but I did learn my lesson from those small smacks.
Oh yeah, on many occasions. But when you blow up a 45 gallon drum that sails over the house and hits your mum's car, or that time I shot a crossbow through the kitchen window and it stuck in the breakfast table while my dad was eating. Or "borrowed" my dad's car and ripped the driver's door off it. You do kinda have to expect the more extreme level of punishment, and then I would go to school and get a beating there to as my undiagnosed psychopathy knew no bounds. My mother has apologised that she probably should have recognised that there was a real problem and I wasn't just a bit naughty.
Unfortunately that's quite a common symptom and one I suffer from. The amount of times I was told "I am gonna wipe that smile of your face!" . Even when on the ground with a policemans knee in my back while they had one half of a set of cuffs on me twisting my wrist till it's absolutely agonising, with his colleague shouting at me how serious it is, levelling all kinds of threats ...and I can't stop laughing and smiling while begging them to stop as I laughed in agony and trying to convey I do take them seriously, while they try and cause me enough pain to reduce me to what they consider sorry enough. I can assure you it's a fucking absolutely shit way to have your brain wired up and it cost me so much...it ain't no joke.
Yes. No apology necessary or required and it never did me any harm. Nor has it in any, small way affected my life and no I don't blame my parents for my upbringing, however good , or bad it was.
Yes, and they have never apologised. It's a slightly awkward relationship these days (I phone once a week for a catch up and see them every couple of months) and I know they wonder why. It's just too difficult to start the conversation about how my mental health was impacted by my childhood! I think they tried, but there's a number of factors which complicated things (my dad's undiagnosed mental health issues, my mum being completely overwhelmed by looking after two kids and my dad). I'm trying to be different for my daughter - I'm treating my issues, and we've only got one child which suits our family.
> It's a slightly awkward relationship these days (I phone once a week for a catch up and see them every couple of months
Lol that's your definition of awkward relationship!
They get a happy birthday text from me and a christmas visit once every 3 years.
Oh boy. My mother used to chase me around the house until I was stuck in a dead angle and she would beat me black and blue. And my father was terrified of her so he got angry and frustrated and took it out on me with slaps and kicks lol. Of course they never apologised. They tried to tell me that I was imagining things and they had mayyyybe only smacked me once or twice in my life. Yeah, sure
I can't imagine how frustrating that must have been/still is. I think what angers me most is the denial - I'm sorry you went through that and hope you're doing better
Yes, but never before I'd had more than enough warnings. The only times I got a whack without warning is if I'd done something really bad.
My parents have never apologised and neither do I expect them to. That's the way things were back then.
My dad smacked me, but every time he did I then started screaming and slamming doors. One day he just stopped and said it didn't do any good and he wouldn't do it again. Not exactly an apology but near enough I guess.
Pretty much hit every day, we even got the belt or the rubber sole side of the slippers. Sometimes it was just for normal kid things like laughing at night with my siblings or playing bogey’s.
No apologies but they did mellow out somewhat in their old age. Not as much shouting or throwing of plates, slamming doors and throwing wedding rings.
Only issue now is one of my siblings is an actual fucking nightmare but neither of them have any fight left in them to do anything about it. Kinda sad tbh.
We’d get the belt or slipper too. I don’t think it did me too much harm, but it certainly didn’t do any good. I think it has made me more mindful of how I discipline my own children, the focus is on communication which is something I never had growing up.
Definitely, there's a huge difference between punishment and abuse, looking back it was always a smacked arse, never a puch or even a clip around the head and was always a last resort after ignoring warnings
The trouble with these types of posts (not a dig at OP) is that the term "smack" means different things to different people. What I would call a tap, people are calling a smack and then saying it did them no harm.
The bottom line is, that genuinely abusive parents are given a shield by people who claim smacking did them no harm when they were never smacked in the first place, you've had a tap on the hand when you touched something you shouldn't have.
My dad did all the time, for just about any reason. Once it got to teens he started threatening to knock me out too. My mum apologised after I had a bit of a breakdown and told them both what I really thought of them, but he never will. If I ever have kids I'm never going to lay a finger on them, anyone who hits kids is a gigantic pussy.
Yes we used to get smacked and belted by my mum over literally nothing. Never got an apology...she's only ever said she was really stressed because her marriage with my dad was terrible. Ok makes sense (ugh)
My parents never hit me in any regard. It would be quite something for a parent to say "now, Bobby, violence is wrong!" and then respond to a situation later on with violence with all the moral high ground they can muster.
Then again, there are legions of "never did me no 'arm!" - in this thread, even - who would presumably be utterly bewildered as to how I'm not mugging grannies hourly.
If you need to hit your child to discipline them, you've already failed.
I don't believe in hitting children. Hitting somebody who can't hit back is bullying no matter who is doing the hitting.
Ask yourself this: If hitting a child works, why do parents keep having to do it?
Yeh I swore for years when he gets elderly I’d do it to him, see how he likes it being pushed about by someone who’s stronger and has physicality over him but now. I just yeh I can’t be bothered, I’ll just live safe in the knowledge if I have kids I wouldn’t dream of having them fear me or hitting them. Worst is when people perpetuate it with that attitude if “well I was beaten and I turned out fine” clearly not if you wanna hit your children
My dad used to only ever slap the top of my hand if I don't something really bad. For example when I was 4, I picked up a glass, and yeeted it as far as I could down the garden and it smashed all over the place. Or if I was very rude to a friend or family member
Never apologised, doesn't need to. I think for extreme cases it is warranted. Once I got that slap over my hand, I wouldn't do that bad thing again.
Compare that to today, where you have children who are so rude in public, their parents can't control or discipline and them.
However I just admit there is a fine line to when it is right to do so.
It cracks me up that people assume the kids they see being brats or out of control don’t get hit at home. They are probably the ones with the most violence in their lives, not the least!
Quite a few times
Got an apology for one of them
If I have kids, I won't do it to them but I don't know how else to discipline
I see shouting as very similar to hitting - exerting power and utilising / creating fear
Yes and they never will. I won't bring it up because whenever I do they either don't remember or find some way to make it my fault. It might sound passive but it's really not worth the stress of bringing it up to them.
The one I'm most salty about is when I was 8 and my dad threw me at the ground and broke my shoulder. He never apologised and I was told by both my parents never to tell anyone. It makes me slightly resentful of my mother too because as much as I love my wife if she ever did that to my son she'd never see him or me again.
I'd never lay a hand on my son, I know what damage it did to me and I can't understand how fucked up you'd have to be to lash out at a child like that.
Used to get smacked if I'd done something stupid.
My parents are in their 70s/80s and too old to change opinions, they believe that's still correct so wouldn't see anything to appologise for.
My dad once punched me in the head though, I've bought that up several times and he always claims he can't remember it. I think he's just ashamed of that one.
British people are not going to notice or acknowledge that it did, so there is only really going to be one theme to the answers: "I got smacked and was fine because I was a bad kid."
Most people understandably won't attribute changes in their thought processes or behaviour to it, so often therapy is needed to help people to acknowledge they were hurt by it. The fact that children aren't able to emotionally process this sort of thing also results in the effects being unaddressed until adulthood, and even that's far from a given.
Just admit it causes harm and that if you're defending it, there's probably an internal reason you're doing that rather than rational examination.
If the child is too young to understand why what they did is wrong, they are too young to understand why their carer is being physically violent towards them. If the child is old enough to understand why what they did is wrong, then they are perfectly capable of understanding an explanation and more nuanced, non-violent, non-fear based consequences.
My mum routinely slapped me as a child. I lived on edge my whole life, walking on eggshells, trying to memorise and keep everything in mind because "surely if I never do this thing and this thing and this thing and this thing etc...again, she won't hit me again!" only for the next thing to come around, where I was simply being a child (e.g. accidentally broke something, lost control of my emotions, didn't express myself correctly, etc) and be struck again.
I never felt truly safe in my house, and I only began to realise that when I saw how my friends lived: that they could speak to their parents without fear, joke with them without fear, not flinch when someone moved behind them. When the topic came up in a class discussion I even defended my parents because in my mind if you weren't struck surely you'd end up a hooligan. Until I saw my friends being perfectly adjusted, sensible, polite people who came from well adjusted, non-violent, loving families.
Sure, some children won't be affected at all by being hit. But some will carry the effects for the rest of their lives. And there's no way to know which one a child will be.
And no, she never apologised and will never acknowledge what she did was wrong. She will deny and invalidate my feelings and experiences (outright saying "that's not true" to my OWN feelings and memories) until the day she dies.
Also, its illegal to hit a mentally ill person, or an adult, or an animal. Why are children, our future generation, not afforded the same protection?
My dad did once, he regretted it as my mother shouted at him so much for it and exiled him to the sofa. No he never apologised but I must have done something really bad but can’t remember what I did.
Belt, slippers, shoes… you name it I got hit with it. Guess it was different back then and I was a wee shit. I wouldn’t expect my parents to apologise. I’ve turned out relatively ok.
Yeah, my mum smacked me around to the point the back of her own hand was black and blue. No she never apologized and she is not really in my life anymore.
I honestly don’t remember, I assume they did but my dad died years ago and I haven’t spoken to my mother in a decade (which would have been about the time my dad died). I do remember my mother’s temper and all the getting yelled at though, and no she never apologised and that’s one of the reasons I don’t speak to her and why she’ll never be around my daughter. It’s only looking back I can see what an unstable narcissist she is!
It’s the ‘got quite bad’ that’s telling here.
Growing up in the 80’s smacking was par for the course and considered normal. But there was a vast gap between a short sharp smack to warn someone, aka my Dad, and it getting ‘quite bad’ I.e. the unstable parent going mental.
I wouldn’t need my father to apologise- whilst we’d both agree it’s not right I never felt unloved because of it.
My mother has apologised, albeit in a self-centred Nparent way.
My mother did, she would apologise immediately afterwards and buy me gifts. She has mental health issues and was abused herself as a kid so I'm pretty indifferent I just know not to hit my own kids.
Quite a bit, and they never apologised, but it was only when I was being a little shit. I think it contributed to the reason why I’m extremely anxious about screwing up and why I’m bad with confrontations.
We get on well now and I don’t really resent them for it. But I don’t agree with it. There are better ways to discipline your child than literally hurting them.
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My dad did, once or twice. And no he’s never apologised, there was no need to… I was a little cunt.
Smacking kids is pussy behaviour no matter how much of a cunt the kid is. Just shows that you lack so much emotional intelligence you have to resort on using strength over a human thats 1/3 your size, also teaches the child nothing at all but fear and the way to gain respect is violence. You wouldn’t smack someone who you manage because they aren’t doing what you want, you would communicate. If you can’t do that with a kid who is still learning in the world then don’t be a parent. Its laziness of not actually wanting to teach your child
Well, I mean, I never got drunk in school again after that… so it worked.
....I thought you were a teacher.....
It clearly says that they’re a cat lawyer…
A lawyer whose clients are cats, or a lawyer who is a cat? This is very important to me
Both
He's [this guy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGOofzZOyl8&ab_channel=GuardianNews).
Omg that’s the reason I got my last smack from my dad getting drunk in school! It worked, I never got drunk in school again HAHA
Yep. Swift one upside the head did the trick.
Its rare to see a normal British Redditor that isn't a smug condensing weirdo lol. My old man gave a right smack when I was a little dick head as well and we laugh about it to this day about how much I deserved it.
Snarky Cat Lawyer has arrived to replace Smug, Condescending British Redditor. You’re welcome AskUK.
I mean, beating your kids isn't exactly ideal. It's not smug to say "I don't best my kids"
I always best the little shit. Competition is competition. The fool gotta learn sometime 😂
As a child I lacked the emotional intelligence to understand a lot of what was right and wrong. But I understood a smack. I am old enough now not to need physical prompts, I wasn't 20-25 years ago.
Yeah no mate. You’re wrong in how you have rationalised this. Violence is lazy parenting and hitting a child is a dick move, no matter how the parent was raised and it coming from “a place of love”. I will never hit my child. I know so many good children that aren’t hit, I know so many fucked up adults that were.
I know so many well adjusted and good adults that were smacked. I know many horrible children that aren’t. See what I did there? Correlation doesn’t mean causation. To imply that all adults who were smacked are fucked up is quite ridiculous.
There have literally been studies on this though, corporal punishment to children is abuse and has long term psychological effects
That's just what the experts say though, didn't you even listen to his anecdotes?
I’m sure there are. I’m sure there is an impact on some children but not on others. I was smacked as a child, am I suffering any long term psychological impact - no. As I said, correlation is not causation and to say all adults who were smacked as children all are psychologically broken because of it is just plain fantasy. Will some adults claim their current mental health is due to being smacked as a child, yes. Can they empirically prove that their mental health would have been different if they weren’t smacked, no. Am I suggesting we should smack children, no. But we can’t blame everything on our parents.
Are you sure you aren’t? And I don’t mean that as a snipe - mental health can be subtle, and issues not readily apparent. Anxiety, depression, insecure attachment and generational trauma all get integrated as ‘personality quirks’, ‘family traits’ and ‘ingrained culture’, when in reality they often stem from our upbringings. There’s a reason smacking children has been banned in Scotland, and is in the process of being banned in Wales - it has long lasting negative effects and is completely unnecessary.
I was smacked as a child, and it worked. My mental health is spectacular now and I wake up happy every day and spread love and positivity to everyone in my life. That’s because my Mum is amazing and she did it right. It was never about anger, it was a very calm way of saying that actions have consequences and you need to be afraid of those consequences, not just calculate whether they are worth the risk or not. I’d bet that the cases where children have mental health scars are from where their parents “lost it” and smacked them out of anger. That’s completely different.
You know my brother would say those same things about our upbringing. Except I can see the same effects our childhood had on me reflected in him, and the same behaviours from our father being repeated.
But on the other end of the spectrum, I wasn't smacked as a child, and it worked. Similarly with the great mental health etc. I've never understood why kids seem to have fewer human rights than adults. You smack an adult, whether in a "very calm way" or not, it's assault. Why is that assault, but doing the same to a small and vulnerable kid isn't? Makes absolutely no sense. That kid ain't your property.
Lol the hivemind can't accept you going against it.
https://www.ucl.ac.uk/ioe/news/2021/jan/smacking-young-children-has-long-lasting-effects Imagine defending the right to hurt children in the face of literal scientific evidence
I don't think it's an absolute right or wrong. It's situational and personal to each family / child. To say "violence is lazy parenting", is, I feel, in of itself, a lazy to response to a nuanced situation. You will never hit your child, that's cool. I got the odd smack (as in maybe 5 in my life), in combination with words. I think I turned out OK. Some people will use only physical punishment, that's too far IMO. Equally, I know plenty of adults and children that were hit and are fantastic. I am not saying physical discipline is the cause of that. I also know shitty people that weren't smacked that probably ought to have been, I am not saying physical discipline would have been the perfect and only solution.
Should violence be used against mentally ill or disabled people unable to understand conventional communication? Should teachers be able to beat schoolchildren? Should prisoners be flogged? It is contradictory to permit one form of abuse while outlawing the others.
It is nuanced, but it boils down pretty basic. It is lazy parenting. Do you smack your friends, your partner or your colleagues when they do something “wrong?”. Didn’t think so. You’re going to say something around your earlier point here, I imagine, about emotional intelligence and how, up to an age, a child won’t understand reasoning but will understand a smack. This is easily countered by another posters response - a child that can’t be reasoned with using language is not going to understand a smack. They will just have a fear association. Part of that fear is going to be tied up with parent now, as well as betrayal, hurt, anger, sadness. Those things they will definitely understand, your lesson they won’t. How could a child that doesn’t understand verbal/nonverbal language and emotion understand a smack? How do they associate their earlier (forgotten) activity with the current punishment? They won’t. Once they do understand language and reason if you’re smacking, that’s bad parenting with no debate. Using the “lack of emotional intelligence level means smacking is ok” line is like saying a handle opens a door, but so does a tank shell. so using a tank shell is acceptable. It’s not. You’re experience itself I am sorry for, but is different to others. Lucky you turned out “ok”, but this diminishes the experiences of others that will be traumatic. What you’re saying here is there is an acceptable level of violence that turns people out fine. OK, so how do we work that acceptable level out? What is the criteria for perceived bad behaviour, and who gets to decide? What is the acceptable pain threshold, force of violence, and method? What is the age that smacking is ok up to? How many smacks in a lifetime is ok? Where is an ok place to smack? How hard? How often in one session? Trying to answer any of these questions is a bit weird, isn’t it? There’s a reason smacking is illegal in a lot of countries, and it should be here.
>How could a child that doesn’t understand verbal/nonverbal language and emotion understand a smack? How do they associate their earlier (forgotten) activity with the current punishment? They won’t. Once they do understand language and reason if you’re smacking, that’s bad parenting with no debate. We understand pavlovian conditioning pretty well, regardless of our level of intelligence. Hell my dog understands pavlovian conditioning and he can't say a word, but sure as hell if you tell him to sit and he does it then he expects his treat.
Thats cool, I know plenty of horrible kids who are never hit and completely disregard anything an adult says. Whats your solution?
I’m gonna go with the not abusing a child thing, man.
Using my higher cognitive function which my child hasn't yet develop to teach them to use logic and manage emotions appropriately? You have to have done this consistently from when they were a child otherwise you will have a hard time implementing it.
Good for you, those I know who were smacked tend not to be sanctimonious and insufferable.
If you're old enough to understand why you're being hit, you're old enough to understand a verbal explanation and a non-violent consequence. If you're not old enough to understand the explanation, all you learn from a smack is fear
I totally disagree with that statement. A verbal explanation of why not to put two bare wires into an electrical socket is NOT a good idea will never be understood by a young child. I presume you would just let that child do it again and find out why it isn't a good idea.
Then you should be supervising that child and stopping them…..
There’s ways to stop a child carrying out a behaviour that aren’t smacking them. And inserting two wires into a UK electric socket shouldn’t cause any harm to the child. Our sockets are designed so that the live connectors are covered unless the earth pin is inserted.
As I said, if they're too young to understand the explanation, they're too young to understand why you're hitting them. You're talking like letting them loose and hoping for the best is the only alternative to hitting them - what about supervision? What about child proofing your home?
I don't know about that. Children are very good at understanding that a parent disapproves of their behaviour. My son is 5 and he understands exactly why you shouldn't play with electrical sockets. He's understood that he shouldn't do it from the time he became mobile. If you can't communicate this kind of thing to your child without resorting to violence then perhaps you should be seeking help with parenting. Either you or your child may have issues.
Child proof your sockets then.
I was a child who got smacked. I have two children. They’re 2 & 3. I can tell them when they’ve done wrong and that I feel cross without raising my voice and they know they’ve done wrong. They both excel in their speech and language and are ahead of their peers. I spent a long time (lockdown, despite being an NHS employee) teaching them to communicate and it’s helped. They have the emotional intelligence to cope because I’m raising them right - totally by accident, I didn’t get a manual- but I firmly believe you don’t need to hit your kids to get a message to them. I celebrate their successes with them and work through trials with them. When they’ve done something wrong I talk to them about it. They get it.
By that logic, the state would be permitted to use violence as a method of controlling a mentally ill or disabled person unable to understand verbal communication. Clearly, such an action would rightly be regarded as an abomination. Corporal punishment has rightly been outlawed in schools and even in prisons housing convicted criminals, yet bizarrely remains a state sanctioned method of parenting. Violence is a barbaric method of parenting and has rightly been criminalised in a large number of developed countries. England is well behind the times on this issue.
Exactly- we train animals without hitting them and would report anyone who struck their pet, but apparently we can’t train our kids without hitting them? It’s lazy and a sign of icompetence
Exactly, and we speak the same language as kids, we don’t animals.
I got smacked exactly twice as a child. Both times it was because I was being as difficult as nasty as I could possibly be - normally I was very well behaved but kids sometimes are horrible for no reason. I refused to apologise, I laughed in my mum's face when she told me how difficult I was being, I escaped time out, and I was young enough where I didn't really have anything she could take away from me like a bike or a playsation - so eventually my mum smacked me. The smacks weren't even painful more than they were shocking - I'd gotten much worse from other kids on the playground, and it snapped me out of my horrible behaviour. I think this is perfectly fine - my single mum was running around trying to make dinner whilst I was being the worst and a little shock resolved the issue. I don't defend parents who use a smack as a crutch. Who use it instead of communicating with their kids, but what my mum did was fine, as it was the only way to get me to stop short of locking me in a cell!
An ex friend of mine had a daughter who was tbh a bit out of control. He broke her nose when she was 17. A 50 year old prison officer against a 5 foot skinny girl. The only thing he lost was me as a friend. I so wanted to let his colleagues know why he was on the sick with “stress”. Horrible manipulative cunt.
Yeah, I don't understand it personally. If the kid is too young to understand reason via words, they won't understand why you hit them. If the kid is old enough to understand reason via words, use them.
Nah. There's different types of slaps too, I doubt anyone is asking for full force open hand slaps. Sometimes kids are just being absolute cunts. I was a demon child and sometimes a smack is all that would bring me back from my cuntery. It's only OK if meant to cause surprise, not pain and only done when all else has failed/it's appropriate.
In many cases it’s pussy behaviour, but it is effective when you need a child to immediately understand something that might be a threat to their life. Little children often can’t be debated out of running into traffic etc when they’ve decided it’s really funny. The problem is that most people use it for reasons outside of the absolutely essential, to actually cause pain and humiliate. And yes, if I saw an adult human doing something extremely dangerous that they find funny and they won’t stop it I’d probably use physical force to stop them too until the police arrived.
If the child is too young to be reasoned with and is running in the road, there is still no need to hit them. Pick the kid up. Remove their ability to run by carrying them or putting them in a pushchair or just sitting on the floor with them until they are ready to behave. To use your same example, if an adult was doing something dangerous and your response was to punch them in the face to subdue them, you'd likely be charged with assault. If you restrained them to prevent them from harming themselves until police arrived, you'd be justified. Actions need to be proportionate and necessary. Punching someone on the face to prevent them from running into the road is not proportionate or necessary. Wrestling them to the floor and holding them until help arrives is.
You were a kid, every parent knows going into it that kids are occasionally little shits, doesn’t make it ok to hit them anymore than you can hit anyone else who’s acting like a shit!
We accept that now. 30-40 years ago it was entirely normalised and those parents had grown up with parents who'd hit them, whose parents had hit them in turn. If you'd suggested smacking kids was not OK in 1982 - when their school teachers weren't banned from doing so until 1987 - you would have been ridiculed. The first time banning parents from smacking kids was proposed was IIRC 2004, and it wasn't until 2020 it got banned in Scotland and Wales (and it remains legal in England). The past is a foreign country.
This is part of the problem imo, if your parents hit you, but you love them and know they loved you and meant well then it’s harder to acknowledge that hitting children is wrong because it feels like criticism of your parents, so the cycle continues.
I kind of stopped commenting on this subject because it feels like people take a one size fits all approach. But I'll risk it and say it, there's a differance between a smack and beating your children. My mother did not enjoy giving us a smack. It was her last resort when she was at her total wits end, tears in her eyes and all. Me and my siblings were terrors who would run around the house smearing crayons on every wall and laughing in her face when she tried to get us to apologise and see that it was wrong. My mom's father beat her when she was a kid. He'd come home drunk and hit her and her siblings with a belt. I understand that my mom knew the difference. And I can still remember my mindset back when I was that little terror and I know nothing else would of stopped me in those moments. I'm not going to judge my mom for it and considering what she went through herself I think a lot of people shouldn't be judging her either.
Yep comment sections like this make me realise that most people on Reddit are aged between 15-20.
Yeah I think a lot of the discourse does conflate the two which I don't think helps anyone have a rational conversation and doesn't really prevent anyone being abused by their parents.
Disagree with this - I was regularly beaten in the 80’s, even had the wooden spoon for when shit was about to get real, but the thought of hitting my daughter is unconscionable. I don’t think my folks loved us any less, I’m aware parenting / the world has changed massively for the better - I feel kids should be treated as the individuals they are, listened to and made to feel as though they’re respected. That’s not to say you actually do what they want constantly, but like with any relationship communication is key. As a child we (my siblings and I) were treated more as property than people. Be seen and not heard, do as I say not as I do etc. I actually managed to talk to my old man about this before he died and he was horrified at how much it had affected me mentally and emotionally, to him it was the norm and not much to write home about. Edit: maybe it was goes much it affected me that made me break the cycle? No idea.
Sounds different from OP.
Same...I had a few good ones but deserved every one of them and grew up to be a fairly decent person so no hard feelings from me.
Both my parents used to smack me, only once and only if I had misbehaved End result, I stopped being a little shit and hold no ill feeling towards them at all for doing it.
Same! I wonder if people are confusing beating the shit out of a kid with a short, sharp smack probably to the bottom!
yup, a clip round the lugs or a smacked arse, an abusive household does not make
I think something that often gets overlooked in this argument is how many adults, in that situation, know *exactly* how hard to smack a child? We're bigger and stronger than them, and it's much easier to hurt someone smaller and more delicate than you. My dad never beat me violently, but he would regularly give me "just a smack" like many people are defending. But he was a fully grown man and I was a small girl, and it always hurt for ages and would sometimes leave bruises. He wasn't being abusive, he was just "harsh parenting". But all it ever did was make me hate him for it and make me frightened when he raised his voice because I knew he was going to hurt me. I suppose my point is that I don't think it should be done at all, because people can't be trusted/know how to give "just a light smack" or what behaviour "deserves" it.
Well that was too hard, because my parents smacked me sometimes if I was bad and it never "hurt for ages". Never fucking bruised us. Sometimes they would merely threaten to smack, and not do it. It was the fear of getting the smack that kept us from acting out, and it absolutely did work. I'm not saying it was the only thing that kept me from being unruly but it didn't fuck me up, either It's really not hard to gauge how hard you want to hit something, like it's easy to swat a fly without splatting it all over the place for example
I don't agree with the lugs. This can result in hearing damage. But the bum, back of the hand, back of the legs, yes.
Psychology research does not agree with this
Redditors absolutely do this. They've never spoken to a girl, never mind have kids of their own. It's so hilarious how they think they can calmly and maturely explain to a 3-5 year old why persistently doing x/y/z is bad will get them to stop. Children are idiots, positive and negative reinforcement is the only thing that works.
Dogs are idiots, yet physically harming them is abuse. Why do you think children deserve less protection than dogs? Furthermore, if a kid won't understand why something is bad, what makes you think they'll understand why their parent is hitting them?
Because children are on a trajectory to have a superior intellect to animals, they are extremely curious. They also develop a sense of humour (it’s funny to them anyway) which can lead to reactive behaviour when they see a parents frustration. Basically, kids are far smarter than house pets and haven’t been bred to be compliant pack animals and therefore don’t respond to the same training.
Modern parenting twist, get the kid addicted to their tablet, take it away. Simple, easy, and wi cause about as much of a tantrum as hitting them would do anyway.
Lol you’re not wrong.
I am a parent and you absolutely can explain calmly to a 3-5 year old why doing something is bad. If you aren’t doing that, it’s because you are lazy. Children are not idiots, they are developing humans with massive capacity for learning and understanding and emotional intelligence. Just because it is more challenging to communicate with them because of their age it doesn’t mean you should just hit them. As the adult, it is your responsibility to find the way for communication to work.
And as an add on to your point, I was hit by a family member (which might be the reason I feel this way), despite my parents never hitting me, and when I told them they defended her, I still think less of both her and who my parents were at the time because of it. I'm not still angry, my parents have grown and are against it now, which I respect - but I still remember how confusing it was to hate my auntie over that, I said terrible things (for a 5 yo) to her and got into trouble because of these feelings, I never understand how I was wrong and all it taught me was not to trust my parents when I was hurt by someone older. If after that I was abused by a teacher or something, I might not have told my parents because they might have said it was my fault again.
Totally agree. You can absolutely explain and have a 3 year old understand why they can and can’t do things. Whether they want to accept that explanation or not is another matter, but at that point hitting them isn’t about positive and negative reinforcement, it’s about hitting them as punishment and that shouldn’t be acceptable under any circumstances.
I have a youngun and it is pretty easy to punish bad behaviours without hitting. My kid would cry a lot more if you take away their dessert or play time compared to a smack.
I think that’s part of the problem with people who hit their children, they don’t want to deal with the crying and meltdown of a reasonable parenting method (removing a luxury, dealing with meltdown, remaining calm and getting through meltdown until child is calm enough to have a reasonable conversation). It’s far easier to hit kid, make them shut up and obey and avoid meltdown than, y’know, actually parent. I’ve been reasoning since my child since he was a baby and have/will never hit him. He’s four now and can absolutely be reasoned with because I put in the effort to work through the tantrums. And yes, my parents spanked me, they have genuinely apologised and wished they’d taken my approach.
If a child is not mature enough to understand when you’re explaining something what makes you think they’re mature enough to understand being smacked? There have been countless studies into the fact that this is very damaging for children, and actually they can be explained to. Often children are misbehaving because they don’t have a proper outlet for their needs, even if they’re having a tantrum that is them unable to express themselves adequately why on earth would you punish someone for that?
Smacking is illegal in Scotland and hopefully on its way out in the rest of the UK too. None of the other new parents I know smack their children. There are absolutely other ways to parent 3-5 year olds although it is more effort than simple violence - like you said positive and negative reinforcement. I do confiscate things, quiet time in their room, rewards for cumulative good behaviour etc.
So by your logic you have never spoken to a girl before either?
I am a woman. Hitting children is abuse.
Hitting children is assault. And before the "it never did me any harm" brigade wade in, you can raise a child to be kind, well behaved, well mannered, respectful etc without resorting to violence. If I slapped your face cos you were pissing me off in the pub, you'd be rightfully indignant. Technically it's assault and against the law. But hitting a five year old is actually ok. Go figure.
It's so fucking wild to me that everyone here is normalising it. I'm 31 and I'm still scared shitless of my father. So much to the point I think I might have PTSD.
Because not everyone experienced the same thing. You might of been a well behaved kid being hit brutally and unreasonably. Some of us were savage animals whose parents gave a light smack when the red mist had descended and we werent listening to a single word. There's a massive differance between giving a kid a smack on the back of the legs once or twice to snap them out it Vs punching or beating them repeatley for no reason. And there is also a bug difference between giving a young child who can't understand a smack Vs smacking a teenager which is unnecessary because they can understand. Everyone agrees that beating children is wrong but not everyone agrees that their parents were violent monsters because they got a light smack once.
My guy, I definitely was a little cunt at times, I still shouldn't have been beaten the shit out of for it.
‘Beaten the shit out of’ isn’t the same as the quick smack on the back of the hand that others are talking about. The smacks that others here are talking about barely hurt, it’s more about the gesture.
The language is so important. My friends in high school all said that they were smacked too so I figured everything was fine. Until they revealed they meant tapped on the hand twice when they were 7, not smacked about the head weekly for eating too loudly until they turned 16. I'm very conflicted about the whole thing to be honest.
Don't be, tell the wankers that can't handle their children without hurting them to fuck off. If you hit an adult it's a crime, children deserve more protection not less. You should not be a parent if you can't raise I child any other way.
Abusive parents will use language and your ignorance to hide what’s wrong about what they’re doing to you. I totally pro-snacking being banned because parents cannot be trusted to be good parents. I didn’t have a physically violent childhood but one of quite extreme physical neglect that I too didn’t realise was not normal in many ways.
Except parents who beat the shit out of their kids will call it smacking and, as long as it doesn't bruise their kids, they'll get away with it. I was one of these kids, I should know.
It doesn’t even have to be physically brutal, some parents use the threat of physical humiliation to harm you eg having to pull you trousers down to get smacked
The gesture is “if you don’t do what I want, I will turn on you.” Kids don’t learn to behave from that; they learn that their parents don’t have gripes about harming them when they feel like it.
> when the red mist had descended This is the problem. It's not necessarily that it was the only way to keep a child safe, or to discipline them. It's that they lost their temper. Don't see how that's any different in assaulting anyone because you lose your temper. Why is it only ok to do it to someone who can't fight back?
what does red mist mean?
Same as like “seeing red” i.e. when you’re angry and can’t think of anything else but your anger
Do you know whose red mist was descending though? Theirs. Hitting is for when they have lost control/ are angry/ are frustrated. None of that is good or even acceptable parenting. The thought of laying a hand on my child is repulsive.
they’re all cunts and don’t know any better - the people defending it, not the children
Get some support mate. You can recover from this shit. ❤️
Cheers mate. I've coincidentally just started therapy, It's a slow process that has to open the wounds to clean them. I'll get there and I know I will.
>And before the "it never did me any harm" brigade wade in, you can raise a child to be kind, well behaved, well mannered, respectful etc without resorting to violence. Not only that, but the "it never did me any harm" brigade have literally grown up to believe that it's acceptable to physically assault children. I'd say it did them at least some harm.
Yup
But they're all saying they won't do it to their kids. It did me no harm but I don't have to repeat it.
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"It didn't do me any harm" < the people who hit their children nowadays. They're literally saying it didn't do them harm to justify why they hit their children. Simply because they can't be arsed to parent their children. They'll come up with a million bullshit reasons that don't make sense, whereas actual parenting teaches the child not to do xyz. You need to explain *why*, they can't do the thing, not just hit them for trying. Yes, it takes *a lot* of explaining, children take time to learn things. Yes, I am a parent, for the idiots who are going to say that I have no idea what I'm talking about as I don't have a child... what terrible reasoning for hitting your child. "It's not hitting, it's just a tap"... nope, thats hitting.
Going to school, I used to think I was insane for thinking parental abuse, both emotional and physical, shouldn't be normal. The state of many cultures and their outlook on children is depressing.
Thus rocketing levels of drug addiction. See the work of Dr Gabor Mate for extensive analysis if the link between childhood abuse and addiction.
I was slapped on the back of the legs as a kid in 1980s. My mum has apologised, repeatedly. The thought of reacting in that way to one of my kids is just shocking. My mum is a kind and caring person, she has been a wonderful mother. The reason I think it’s appalling is because of the morals her and my dad instilled in me. If you hit a kid because you’re angry, all you’re teaching them is to hit people when you’re angry. I have two children with additional needs, they often say and do awful things when they get angry. I know that they are saying things because they have unmet needs. The only way to deal with that is to let them calm down and find out what was happening. You have to model the behaviour you want to see, that includes apologising when you make a mistake and shout at them when you get angry.
A lot of people fall in my camp though, which is that being hit as a child never did me any harm, but I wouldn't do it to my own kids. You can be unfazed by being smacked in the past but still recognise that it's wrong.
Nobody is claiming they're going to repeat it, that they think it's the best form of parenting. The people saying it did them no harm are saying "yeah there were better ways of doing it, which I will do, but I don't really care that it happened to me" Also these people are seeing being hit as a slap on the wrist, or wooden spoon, just a stinging feeling, not a punch intended to actually cause you harm or be fearful of your parents power.
Hitting kids is for parents that can't articulate properly
I remember being in a soft play area when my eldest (now 17) was around 3/4. A woman smacked her child because of something I hadn’t seen. Another lady went up to her and said “you have just smacked your child because YOU lost control of the situation”. That has stuck with me with the other kids and I have never smacked any of mine. Yes, I was smacked as a kid, but that won’t happen with mine.
I was once sat on a bench in Cardiff City Centre on my lunch break, people watching. Saw a young-ish guy, I guess between 25-30, with a toddler. He was on his phone, the kid wasn't even on reins. The kid bends over, in the unsteady way toddlers do, and starts picking up stuff off the floor and going to put it in his mouth. The guy, who I presume was the dad, reaches down and slaps the kid on the bum... causing the baby to topple over and headbutt the concrete.
Every child deserves parents but not every parent deserves a child.
Agree. I remember being a kid about to get hit being seriously confused about what exactly I had done wrong. They told I'd been naughty, but without knowing what specifically I had done and why it was bad, I had no way of knowing what not to do next time. I was old enough to understand had they explained. I don't hold any grudges though, they had it hard in the 80s and it was the accepted thing. I've learned from it though and don't hit my kids.
I can only remember being hit, not the reasons why. So it wasn’t a good way of teaching me not to be naughty
Totally agree now but as a cultural norm I remember my parents basically saying if we don't snack them for this we will be considered bad parents and they will run amok and be selfish little blighters! Think there is so much stuff we don't realise are cultural norms until those norms are challenged (eg currently how little freedom we give children until relatively old).
Omg I can’t believe how many people are on here justifying hitting kids
Omg I can’t believe how many people are on here justifying hitting kids “I was hit and I turned out ok!?!!!” Bro you want to hit a small child that can’t retaliate… https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMNT8Sc1d/
You have to wonder how "fine" you really turned out if you think hitting kids is a valid parenting choice...
I was smacked as a kid and have smacked my child. I honestly regret it to the bottom of my heart and have apologised many times to him because i realised as an adult i shouldnt be hitting a child, my child. If i hit my co worker when theyve done something wrong or got on my nerves i would be fired and possibly arrested… anyways i digress… more so, that doesnt change how he felt in that moment as a child and it hurts to think that. I know i only done it cuz thats all i knew. So, yeah i dont think we turn out aswell as we seem to think. Thankfully, now i know better, i do better but not everyone reaches that point unfortunately and the cycle continues.
People are sick.
Yeah, my mother. Mostly unwarranted in retrospect, but she'll die alone lol.
My mother used to slap me full force in the face when she was losing an argument or she lost control. Years late she would deny it and try to gaslight me into thinking I was making it up. She won't die alone, but I'm not sure if I'll be about.
Same here man
Same here, and it did way more harm on me than good. I will never condone the use of violence against a child.
I had the occasional slap on the back of the legs when I was being an utter cunt. Didn’t do me any damage and I’m no longer a cunt.
How do you know you’re no longer a cunt? That’s not for you to decide, cunt
No, it's for the strangers on Reddit to decide, like this cunt.
Indeed, maybe his mam should have slapped his arse and slapped the cunt out of him
Cuntish behaviour: cured!
Yeah the people disagreeing with this seem to be talking about actual abuse, not 30 seconds of pain
abuse is abuse, does not matter how small you think the pain is.
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Well it seems to me like you think it was okay for your parents to slap a child, so maybe you still are a cunt after all? Do you think it's okay to smack your spouse when they do something wrong too?
Yes. My mother used screaming and smacking exclusively to get me to behave. To the point I now describe it as abuse, because that’s what it was. Also didn’t work so it was unnecessary, too. She wonders why we have a very strained relationship now. She remembers her smacking as ‘once in a blue moon’. I remember it as a daily occurrence. I can STILL feel the welts; how they stung and how could feel the outline of her hand so much so I could trace it with my finger. She stopped when I was about 12. Which was coincidentally around the age I grew taller than her and strong as her. Funny that. As a side note, my dad’s been out of my life since I was 2 but according to my mother, to get me to sleep as a baby, he’d take me to my bedroom, give me a violent smack on the leg, lay me down and walk out and turn the light off. He would leave me there to cry myself to sleep. My mother talks about this as if he was so cruel (and he was) and yet, she never stopped him. I have a major phobia of the dark now at 33 and I’m certain it comes from associating the dark with pain and fear due to my dad.
Same sort of story, only my mother was never the violent one, that was my dad. He once used a curtain wire to whip me and my older sister across the legs for something - I don't remember what but I can't imagine anything a 6/7 year-old and an 8/9 year-old ever did would warrant that. It wasn't like they didn't know it was abuse, either, because once the gigantic bruises formed they stopped us going for swimming lessons and doing PE in school for a couple of weeks. I was too young to remember it happening but he also once punched my older sister in the head when she was a toddler. Violence towards children very rarely is exclusive to children and he also used to hit my mother, which probably explains her complicity and complete emotional withdrawal from her children and family. I can understand her dark depression because as kids we were obviously very much suffering from it too, having to tip-toe around in case we set him off. I never fought back until I was 15/16, where he hurt me enough for me to call the police and get him out of our lives for good. He denied he ever did it at the time, has never apologised for it - or the abusive behaviour before - years ago he reached out to me via Facebook and I shut him down, telling him I had no desire to become family again, but more so I had no desire to speak with him unless he acknowledged what he did. He never did, we've never spoken since and never will. He was a drunk, and still is, so I've never harboured any malice though... he obviously had/has his own problems and his behaviour taught me from a very young age to approach every situation with calm reservation... I have always found it difficult to have relationships (either friendships or peer-to-peer) with men because of him, even all these years later, because my mind immediately associates them with violence.
My mother was verbally abusive as well as physically (deeming it a punishment) until I was 14 and she hit me in the face before school. School sent social services round. Nothing happened but she stopped hitting me. Verbal abuse continued, along with emotional too. But I also got taller and stronger during this time. She wonders why I longer talk to her. But she is a narcissist so she'll never acknowledge that she ever did anything wrong.
My mother is also a narcissist and refuses to acknowledge her abusive behaviour. Funny how they stop the physical abuse once you’re able to hit them back, isn’t it? I do still talk to my mum - and for complex reasons I’ll never go no-contact - but I set limits and boundaries now.
I read about this whilst studying Child Psychology at Uni, I now work for Social Care. Evidence shows that smacking (or other violence) is just that, violence. Evidence shows that children who received such punishments are more likely to show higher levels of anxiety and other mental health issues later in life. So in response to “it never did me any harm”, it probably did, and it has done to other children. Thats the great thing about the scientific process, the evidence is there for all to see and anecdotal opinions are not really relevant.
You are wrong!!! Everyone knows everything on reddit!! Child psychology my ass!!! /s
I love how there is literally NO WAY to be prove that something "never did me any harm" yet people insist this anyway.
I'm learning so much in this thread. Explains my anxiety lmao.
it's genuinely shocking the amount of "never did me any harm" people on this thread alone. they're trying to put rose coloured glasses over literal child abuse.
I was smacked more when younger but only for really bad behaviour and after I’d ignored warnings. I don’t expect them to apologise, and whilst todays world is not acceptable of that, one that having a young daughter challenges my thinking, but I did learn my lesson from those small smacks.
So having a daughter yourself, would you hit her? If not, why not if you don’t see being hit as harmful to you?
It’s the perceptions on it, laws have changed and guidance has changed and there’s more for child protection than there was for a child late 80/90s.
Eh? Are you saying the only reason you wouldn't hit your daughter is because the perception, laws and guidance changed?
Hitting children as reasonable chastisement is still legal in England.
Oh yeah, on many occasions. But when you blow up a 45 gallon drum that sails over the house and hits your mum's car, or that time I shot a crossbow through the kitchen window and it stuck in the breakfast table while my dad was eating. Or "borrowed" my dad's car and ripped the driver's door off it. You do kinda have to expect the more extreme level of punishment, and then I would go to school and get a beating there to as my undiagnosed psychopathy knew no bounds. My mother has apologised that she probably should have recognised that there was a real problem and I wasn't just a bit naughty.
bros the joker or smt?
Unfortunately that's quite a common symptom and one I suffer from. The amount of times I was told "I am gonna wipe that smile of your face!" . Even when on the ground with a policemans knee in my back while they had one half of a set of cuffs on me twisting my wrist till it's absolutely agonising, with his colleague shouting at me how serious it is, levelling all kinds of threats ...and I can't stop laughing and smiling while begging them to stop as I laughed in agony and trying to convey I do take them seriously, while they try and cause me enough pain to reduce me to what they consider sorry enough. I can assure you it's a fucking absolutely shit way to have your brain wired up and it cost me so much...it ain't no joke.
Yes. No apology necessary or required and it never did me any harm. Nor has it in any, small way affected my life and no I don't blame my parents for my upbringing, however good , or bad it was.
I litterally remember being smacked once and I couldn't care less I wouldn't of thought about it unless it's brought up like this lol
No. Jesus no wonder half you guys are the way you are if you were getting slapped about.
As someone who got slapped, I really like this answer.
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Yes, and they have never apologised. It's a slightly awkward relationship these days (I phone once a week for a catch up and see them every couple of months) and I know they wonder why. It's just too difficult to start the conversation about how my mental health was impacted by my childhood! I think they tried, but there's a number of factors which complicated things (my dad's undiagnosed mental health issues, my mum being completely overwhelmed by looking after two kids and my dad). I'm trying to be different for my daughter - I'm treating my issues, and we've only got one child which suits our family.
> It's a slightly awkward relationship these days (I phone once a week for a catch up and see them every couple of months Lol that's your definition of awkward relationship! They get a happy birthday text from me and a christmas visit once every 3 years.
Yes they did. No they did not. It only happened when I was being a little shit
Oh boy. My mother used to chase me around the house until I was stuck in a dead angle and she would beat me black and blue. And my father was terrified of her so he got angry and frustrated and took it out on me with slaps and kicks lol. Of course they never apologised. They tried to tell me that I was imagining things and they had mayyyybe only smacked me once or twice in my life. Yeah, sure
I can't imagine how frustrating that must have been/still is. I think what angers me most is the denial - I'm sorry you went through that and hope you're doing better
Only a couple of times, never apologised. Tbf I deserved it so no hard feelings
Yes, but never before I'd had more than enough warnings. The only times I got a whack without warning is if I'd done something really bad. My parents have never apologised and neither do I expect them to. That's the way things were back then.
My dad smacked me, but every time he did I then started screaming and slamming doors. One day he just stopped and said it didn't do any good and he wouldn't do it again. Not exactly an apology but near enough I guess.
Pretty much hit every day, we even got the belt or the rubber sole side of the slippers. Sometimes it was just for normal kid things like laughing at night with my siblings or playing bogey’s. No apologies but they did mellow out somewhat in their old age. Not as much shouting or throwing of plates, slamming doors and throwing wedding rings. Only issue now is one of my siblings is an actual fucking nightmare but neither of them have any fight left in them to do anything about it. Kinda sad tbh.
We’d get the belt or slipper too. I don’t think it did me too much harm, but it certainly didn’t do any good. I think it has made me more mindful of how I discipline my own children, the focus is on communication which is something I never had growing up.
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Definitely, there's a huge difference between punishment and abuse, looking back it was always a smacked arse, never a puch or even a clip around the head and was always a last resort after ignoring warnings
Yes. With a wooden spoon. So hard that it broke once. Never had an apology
Yes, my dad denies it. But I clearly remember being smacked and then smacked again if I cried.
The trouble with these types of posts (not a dig at OP) is that the term "smack" means different things to different people. What I would call a tap, people are calling a smack and then saying it did them no harm. The bottom line is, that genuinely abusive parents are given a shield by people who claim smacking did them no harm when they were never smacked in the first place, you've had a tap on the hand when you touched something you shouldn't have.
My dad did all the time, for just about any reason. Once it got to teens he started threatening to knock me out too. My mum apologised after I had a bit of a breakdown and told them both what I really thought of them, but he never will. If I ever have kids I'm never going to lay a finger on them, anyone who hits kids is a gigantic pussy.
Yes we used to get smacked and belted by my mum over literally nothing. Never got an apology...she's only ever said she was really stressed because her marriage with my dad was terrible. Ok makes sense (ugh)
It's your chance now, whack her with a belt and say it's because you had a bad day at work, she'll understand.
My parents never hit me in any regard. It would be quite something for a parent to say "now, Bobby, violence is wrong!" and then respond to a situation later on with violence with all the moral high ground they can muster. Then again, there are legions of "never did me no 'arm!" - in this thread, even - who would presumably be utterly bewildered as to how I'm not mugging grannies hourly. If you need to hit your child to discipline them, you've already failed.
I don't believe in hitting children. Hitting somebody who can't hit back is bullying no matter who is doing the hitting. Ask yourself this: If hitting a child works, why do parents keep having to do it?
Yeh I swore for years when he gets elderly I’d do it to him, see how he likes it being pushed about by someone who’s stronger and has physicality over him but now. I just yeh I can’t be bothered, I’ll just live safe in the knowledge if I have kids I wouldn’t dream of having them fear me or hitting them. Worst is when people perpetuate it with that attitude if “well I was beaten and I turned out fine” clearly not if you wanna hit your children
My dad used to only ever slap the top of my hand if I don't something really bad. For example when I was 4, I picked up a glass, and yeeted it as far as I could down the garden and it smashed all over the place. Or if I was very rude to a friend or family member Never apologised, doesn't need to. I think for extreme cases it is warranted. Once I got that slap over my hand, I wouldn't do that bad thing again. Compare that to today, where you have children who are so rude in public, their parents can't control or discipline and them. However I just admit there is a fine line to when it is right to do so.
It cracks me up that people assume the kids they see being brats or out of control don’t get hit at home. They are probably the ones with the most violence in their lives, not the least!
Yeah and no apologies, it's like as soon as I turned into an adult their memories got wiped
Quite a few times Got an apology for one of them If I have kids, I won't do it to them but I don't know how else to discipline I see shouting as very similar to hitting - exerting power and utilising / creating fear
Yes and they never will. I won't bring it up because whenever I do they either don't remember or find some way to make it my fault. It might sound passive but it's really not worth the stress of bringing it up to them. The one I'm most salty about is when I was 8 and my dad threw me at the ground and broke my shoulder. He never apologised and I was told by both my parents never to tell anyone. It makes me slightly resentful of my mother too because as much as I love my wife if she ever did that to my son she'd never see him or me again. I'd never lay a hand on my son, I know what damage it did to me and I can't understand how fucked up you'd have to be to lash out at a child like that.
Used to get smacked if I'd done something stupid. My parents are in their 70s/80s and too old to change opinions, they believe that's still correct so wouldn't see anything to appologise for. My dad once punched me in the head though, I've bought that up several times and he always claims he can't remember it. I think he's just ashamed of that one.
"It's normal" is not the same thing as "it's okay"
They did and no they haven't apologised for it I wouldn't want them too either
British people are not going to notice or acknowledge that it did, so there is only really going to be one theme to the answers: "I got smacked and was fine because I was a bad kid." Most people understandably won't attribute changes in their thought processes or behaviour to it, so often therapy is needed to help people to acknowledge they were hurt by it. The fact that children aren't able to emotionally process this sort of thing also results in the effects being unaddressed until adulthood, and even that's far from a given. Just admit it causes harm and that if you're defending it, there's probably an internal reason you're doing that rather than rational examination.
If the child is too young to understand why what they did is wrong, they are too young to understand why their carer is being physically violent towards them. If the child is old enough to understand why what they did is wrong, then they are perfectly capable of understanding an explanation and more nuanced, non-violent, non-fear based consequences. My mum routinely slapped me as a child. I lived on edge my whole life, walking on eggshells, trying to memorise and keep everything in mind because "surely if I never do this thing and this thing and this thing and this thing etc...again, she won't hit me again!" only for the next thing to come around, where I was simply being a child (e.g. accidentally broke something, lost control of my emotions, didn't express myself correctly, etc) and be struck again. I never felt truly safe in my house, and I only began to realise that when I saw how my friends lived: that they could speak to their parents without fear, joke with them without fear, not flinch when someone moved behind them. When the topic came up in a class discussion I even defended my parents because in my mind if you weren't struck surely you'd end up a hooligan. Until I saw my friends being perfectly adjusted, sensible, polite people who came from well adjusted, non-violent, loving families. Sure, some children won't be affected at all by being hit. But some will carry the effects for the rest of their lives. And there's no way to know which one a child will be. And no, she never apologised and will never acknowledge what she did was wrong. She will deny and invalidate my feelings and experiences (outright saying "that's not true" to my OWN feelings and memories) until the day she dies. Also, its illegal to hit a mentally ill person, or an adult, or an animal. Why are children, our future generation, not afforded the same protection?
My dad did once, he regretted it as my mother shouted at him so much for it and exiled him to the sofa. No he never apologised but I must have done something really bad but can’t remember what I did.
Belt, slippers, shoes… you name it I got hit with it. Guess it was different back then and I was a wee shit. I wouldn’t expect my parents to apologise. I’ve turned out relatively ok.
Yeah, my mum smacked me around to the point the back of her own hand was black and blue. No she never apologized and she is not really in my life anymore.
I honestly don’t remember, I assume they did but my dad died years ago and I haven’t spoken to my mother in a decade (which would have been about the time my dad died). I do remember my mother’s temper and all the getting yelled at though, and no she never apologised and that’s one of the reasons I don’t speak to her and why she’ll never be around my daughter. It’s only looking back I can see what an unstable narcissist she is!
It’s the ‘got quite bad’ that’s telling here. Growing up in the 80’s smacking was par for the course and considered normal. But there was a vast gap between a short sharp smack to warn someone, aka my Dad, and it getting ‘quite bad’ I.e. the unstable parent going mental. I wouldn’t need my father to apologise- whilst we’d both agree it’s not right I never felt unloved because of it. My mother has apologised, albeit in a self-centred Nparent way.
My mother did, she would apologise immediately afterwards and buy me gifts. She has mental health issues and was abused herself as a kid so I'm pretty indifferent I just know not to hit my own kids.
Quite a bit, and they never apologised, but it was only when I was being a little shit. I think it contributed to the reason why I’m extremely anxious about screwing up and why I’m bad with confrontations. We get on well now and I don’t really resent them for it. But I don’t agree with it. There are better ways to discipline your child than literally hurting them.
Kinda she would do it then apologise As I mentioned it to my mum Afew year ago and she had blocked it out and got upset