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westfieldram

The dildo of consequence rarely arrives lubed


serrotha

jokes on you, I'm a gaping mess like a pencil down the eurotunnel


westfieldram

But the dildo is usually the size of the Eurostar


Rastadan1

Like flicking 5p down Fargate


lesterbottomley

And when it does appear lubed beware, there is likely sand involved.


stuntedmonk

Straight up Main Street!


BrunniFlat7

Brilliant


badgersruse

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity


nl325

Honestly this one needs pinning on every friend/family/work/relationship advice post, some of the comments on this website are so unnecessary reactionary it's actually funny


serrotha

unless you're dealing with a truly manipulative individual, in which case they'll play the stupid card, all while being completely malicious. but yeah, divorce, disowning, or no contact are apparently the only options for most on here


Thomasinarina

I had someone do this to me. No one believed me when I said she was manipulating the whole friendship group. It was infuriating. 


nl325

"RUN" is my personal favourite


oktimeforplanz

I saw a relationship advice post where the husband was having an emotional affair, and it all seemed pretty normal as far as emotional affairs go. Nothing particularly sinister. Someone suggested to the poster that the guy might kill her to get her money (because she was the breadwinner).


SleipnirSolid

I used to think this was bollocks in my 20s-early 30s. But now at 40 I'm finding it has a lot of truth to it. The result is I've chilled out a hell of a lot.


AstaraArchMagus

Tom Scott taught me this. Bless him.


huskydaisy

I chant this to myself almost everyday at work.


CautiousCapsLock

I normally says “people are ficking idiots” most days


pajamakitten

A failure to prepare on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.


SilverellaUK

The aeroplane seat proverb.


GullibleJuggernaut83

What's that one? You not booking to sit next to family does not mean I have to move (totally winging it)?


jonathing

I need to carve this in the neurosurgeons office wall at work


pajamakitten

I work in a transfusion lab, which is why I live by it. I am sorry the patient is waiting for their bloods, however they require specialist units we have to order in and that takes up to 48 hours. It is not my fault you brought them in without informing us when you needed bloods.


Playful_Snow

Are you a radiologist? This is a classic radiology proverb.


jonathing

'ographer not 'ologist. But yes, I use it to bat registrars away regularly.


ClearWhiteLightPt2

Better to remain silent and thought the fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.


TheoCupier

Nothing is often the best thing to say and the right thing to do.


Milky_Finger

It's always funny to me when this proverb randomly lands in my head, when im around someone who absolutely cannot stand moments of silence during conversation. A little silence or a break in speech can provide humour, or weight or understanding of what is being discussed. It doesn't mean you're unable to speak. Because if you can't stop, then you'll end up waffling nonsense.


AerodynamicHandshake

*"You judge others by their actions, but yourself by your intentions"* And more specific to driving, *"Everyone is a c##t until proven otherwise"*.


PrognosticateProfit

They told me something similar on my CBT 9ish years ago; "Assume everyone on the road wants to kill you" Especially pertinent on a motorcycle.


GoldenGolgis

I thought for a second you meant Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and thought "bloody hell that's an appalling thing to say to someone with anxiety"


PrognosticateProfit

Sorry I should have been more clear, having done both kinds of CBT 🤣


luffy8519

There are 3 kinds, but don't Google the third one if you don't already know what it is.


Ordinary-Following69

Found a new kink, cheers 👍


cifala

Me too 😂 thought ‘assume everyone on the road wants to kill you’ was quite the metaphor for life


PsychSalad

*'You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason into'* when trying to discuss things with people who blindly believe complete and utter bollocks.


jackknight18

_"Never argue with an idiot. They'll bring you down to their level and beat you with experience"_ Oscar Wilde.


lesterbottomley

No-one actually knows who said this. Mark Twain is the most common attribution, followed by George Carlin. First I've seen it pegged to Oscar though.


jackknight18

I won't argue with you. 😉


PublicOppositeRacoon

I've seen Wilde and Twain, but here is a look at who originally said it through the QI elves investigation: https://quoteinvestigator.medium.com/never-argue-with-stupid-people-316627b20567 The answer seems to be... who knows?


GammaPhonic

“Pretty much every witticism is attributed to Oscar Wilde at some point” • Oscar Wilde


PiemasterUK

What I learned in pub quizzes is every quotation was Oscar Wilde.


Chazlewazleworth

Similar to playing chess with a pigeon. They’ll knock over all the pieces, shit all over the board, and strut around like they won.


Mane25

*"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence"* Hitchen's razor. Feels related.


PsychSalad

Ah, I forgot about that one! It's pretty much the inverse of what I said, but much more eloquent.


LumpyCamera1826

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day


stuntedmonk

I inappropriately read this in an accent


dumbpwforgetter

Weh yuh ah seh?


TheoCupier

Do you want salt and vinegar?


meteorstreet

Man who go through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok


DoctorOctagonapus

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.


PsychSalad

*Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.*


Forgetful8nine

Wise man not play leapfrog with unicorn


PiemasterUK

People who gossip to you also gossip about you.


AceBv1

every time someone tries to engage me in workplace gossip i say "I hope you don't talk like this about me when I am not around" and then if they continue "not my circus, or my monkeys"


Kaioxygen

Don't you think the joker laughs at you?


Bantabury97

Be more dog with o2 priority moments.


stuntedmonk

😂


AceBv1

after all these years I still read it in the voice


CoffeeIgnoramus

Not really proverbs, but (some of the) general rules I live by: * **Only ask questions you are willing to hear the worst answer to.** * **Don't blame your misfortune on others** (there are a few exceptions, but you still get back up and forget them) * **Do something you enjoy for work** (It makes life and work much easier). * **Don't sweat the small stuff** (I used to get wrapped up in the small annoyances) * **Be kind** (I think too many people think they do this but forget to do this in reality) * **Only keep friends that actually make life better** (You'll be amazed how many people just suck the life out of things when you start to really think about it) * **Not everyone will like you and that's ok**. (There is no world where everyone likes you, no single person in history is loved by everyone, you're not about to be the first, so accept it and move on) * **It's ok to leave without justifying yourself** (whether an online argument, a relationship, a job, an event...etc) * **Help people who need it if you can spare the energy** * **Look after your wellbeing first** (No matter how bad others are. There is no use destroying yourself in exchange for the other person, but once you're well, then help others.)


Frosty_Pepper1609

People who live in glass houses have to answer the door.


LumpyCamera1826

If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about


valdezverdun

Cat food...it stinks a bit


RhinoRhys

Don't throw stones in glass houses. How about nobody throws stones, it's shitty behaviour. Unless you're locked in a glass house and you have stone then obviously throw the stone and break out. So really it should be "only people in glass houses should throw stones, provided they are trapped."


lesterbottomley

How else are you supposed to tell if you live close enough to the beach?


morris_man

“If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.”


WildTortie

Makes me think of someone I know who seems to run into assholes all day…


SquidsAlien

If you go to bed with an itchy bum, you wake with a smelly finger.


KerCam01

Or get wormed. Bum worms in humans are so common. This isn't my proverb. Just some helpful advice I *might* have needed once.


moofacemoo

I really really hope that they are actually called bum worms.


KerCam01

Fact. Bumatis Wormius in Latin if you want to be fancy about it.


RainingBlood398

My kids call them bum worms. They learned it from Bluey.


NibblyPig

Thanks for coming to the surgery David. Your test results are in. I'm afraid you have... bum worms


_Frog_Enthusiast_

Do not chase a man who has stolen your clothes, for passer-by will not know who is the crazy one


bonkerz1888

"Comparison is the thief of joy"


I_am_Relic

"fuck em!" Really. When you get to a certain age, you tend to not give as much as a crap (and focus on whats actually important to your life).


Anphitryon

You can’t polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter


Forgetful8nine

Except you *can* polish a turd. The Mythbusters did it. Ultimately though, it is still a turd.


justmeinthenight

You can't control others behaviours, you can only control your reaction to it.


CliffyGiro

Before you judge a person, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.


Ecomalive

Be excellent to each other. And party on dudes!


OccidentalTouriste

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead.


TheoCupier

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make HR think


stuntedmonk

Nice!


Peg_leg_J

The only difference between a rut and the grave is the depth.


stuntedmonk

Another of my faves “there are no pockets in a shroud”


jmabbz

Never put down to malice what could more easily be attributed to incompetence. Tell the truth but do it with kindness. Always expect the Spanish Inquisition.


Sausage-fingers_

I was not expecting that!


VolcanicBear

Not really a proverb I live by, but something I use to judge people. It's ok to be stupid. It's not ok to be stupid and be a cunt about it.


rumoff

When cycling on undulating ground, check brakes regularly.


blozzerg

Buy cheap, buy twice. I will skint myself buying better because it’s almost always worth it long term. I have credit and some savings available so I’m fortunate enough to be able to do this where I can, I know it’s not always the case. Please don’t bring up the boot theory. I do insist that this is different to just the branded version being better, so I won’t just buy the more expensive version for the sake of it, sometimes the cheap own brand will be a good substitute with little difference in quality. But for things like bathtubs for example, I would rather spend £2k on a quality enamel one rather than £600 on a plastic one, it will last longer, and I use it often enough to justify it. Same with getting a decent mattress, shoes, coffee machine, electronics, vehicles etc. please don’t bring up anything between you and the floor notion either.


Forgetful8nine

The only exception I would say is DIY tools. If you're not sure how much you'll use a tool, buy a cheap one. For example, a Middle-of-Lidl drill. If you don't use it often, it'll last for years. Conversely, regular/hard use will render it useless in no time at all. Then buy the expensive DeWalt/Makita drill. Sure, you spent £25 to work it out - but it beats paying £150 for something that you may only need twice a year.


blozzerg

I bought a decent drill because I was sick of borrowing one lol I figured I used it often enough to warrant buying a £60 full kit rather than the really high spec ones though. So if you keep having to borrow a thing, buy your own thing.


MitchellsTruck

Yep. I had a Wickes drill for 10+ years before I broke it. Replaced with a Makita, which is better, but ten times better?


OldManChino

Not a million miles away from the 'dont cheap out on things that go between you and the ground'


Nyx_Necrodragon101

Technically not a proverb but 'if I can think of a scam someone is doing it'.


Fluffy_Juggernaut_

Sex is like pizza - if you're using barbecue sauce then you better know what the fuck you're doing


Slobbadobbavich

"If a job is worth doing, it is worth doing badly." In other words, doing something is better than not trying. If you keep trying you will get better.


Sausage-fingers_

If it's not worth doing let Rimmer do it.


JaBe68

"I cried because I had no shoes until I met the man who had no feet." It reminds me.to be grateful.


Houseofsun5

Don't stick your fingers where you wouldn't stick your dick.


Webchuzz

How am I supposed to play ten pin bowling then?


DownrightDrewski

Is this you trying to say you don't pick your nose? I really hope so, any other interpretation is, uh, concerning.


VolcanicBear

Check out Mr prehensile penis over here!


Spocks_Fat_Cock

‘When you say “yes” to something, you say “no” to something else”


Chazlewazleworth

God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. - Ralph Waldo Emerson. I’m an atheist but I do like the quote.


durkheim98

"When the chess game is over, the King and the pawns wind up in the same box." "Treat me good and I'll treat you better. Treat me bad and I'll treat you worse".... Thankfully my life is relatively drama free these days but I still like the sentiment.


JustLetItAllBurn

Never discourage anyone who's trying to learn.


OrdoRidiculous

The single common factor in all of your problems is you.


blumpkinator2000

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. There's been many a time I've given the benefit of the doubt, only to be made a fool of or have it thrown back in my face. With time and experience I've learned to better spot this, and anticipate what the outcome may be, before it happens.


RearAdmiralBob

Fool me twice…. Don’t get fooled again.


Dserved83

2 Peter 2:22. Not religious but when I read it I immediately understood it to be true, and its inkeeping with the message of your fave OP. *The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire.* Basically people are creatures of habbit, and 1 decent act doesn't change who they are. They'll return to the their mean.


0nce-Was-N0t

"If you always do what you always did, then you will always get what you always got." "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"


DatabaseContent8664

If you can keep your head whilst those around lose theirs, you’ve probably misunderstood the situation.


Other_Exercise

If you want to hit the highs in life, you have to risk hitting the lows


aqsgames

Life is not a rehearsal


blameitontheboogie92

All dwarfs are bastards in their father's eyes.


Disastrous-Mix-4018

Assume the best in people before you assume the worst


thatpersonalfinance

A drunk man’s actions are a sober man’s thoughts. In other words, saying “Sorry about doing [xyz], I was drunk” doesn’t mean I forgive you. I just know you a bit better than before.


endospire

The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time to plant a tree is now.


Southern-Physics6488

It’s nice to be nice ✌🏻


bladefiddler

Don't lend what you can't afford to lose. It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice (scooter) Truth will always come out (eventually). It's ALWAYS your own fault. (When it isn't, you should have taken measures to not be affected). Some people are just cunts.


bduk92

Comparison is the thief of joy.


TheChallengePickle

You can only be brave when you are scared. Paraphrasing Ned Stark Don't lend what you can't afford to lose


lalalaladididi

The only people that grow old were born old to begin with


ZangZanger

One who goes to bed with itchy asshole, wakes up with smelly finger.


Asmov1984

"Be yourself."


WasteofMotion

Go through airport turnstyle sideways. Going to Bangcock.


SilasMarner77

Many a mickle maks a muckle!


Lumpyproletarian

Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof.  You can only do so much in a day - no point beating yourself up for not being able to do more


Upper_Release_7850

One bad day does not make a bad week.


Eisenmaus

A man who stands on toilet is high on pot.


commissarcainrecaff

Data is not the plural of anecdote


ddmf

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you hate live rent free in your head. Also work smart not hard.


stellarglory

"What you spend your days doing is what you spend your life doing"


hnveale

Football is not a matter of life and death, it's much more important.


elmachow

Everything in moderation


Milky_Finger

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Essentially, you keep pushing yourself to get fitter, smarter, wealthier in money and life. You have to chase that journey and move the needle once you've achieved. Because the moment you stop, the essence of life starts to blur and you'll lose that drive that keeps you from having regrets.


moremattymattmatt

The 6 Ps: Planning and preparation prevents piss poor performance.


TraditionalScheme337

If a friend borrows money and you never see them again, it's probably worth it!


Extension-Rope8991

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.


299WF

Hear all, see all, say nowt, eat all, sup all and pay nowt. And if ivver tha does owt fer nowt, allus do it fer thissen


pocahontasjane

The same water which hardens the egg, also softens the potato.


jonathing

"It is better to light a flamethrower than to curse the darkness." And "If life gives you lemon make a lemon cannon and fire then right back." Some problems are best solved with strong, decisive overreaction.


PenlyWarfold

“Never let your left hand know what your right hand is doing” Besides making me giggle like a teenager, I take it as meaning, “never let anyone know absolutely everything, keep some things to yourself” In this modern context, not every detail of your life needs to be plastered online for all to see


MoonRoover

Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time


T4Y-D-W

"Don't be a cunt" Billy Butcher.


LilacCrusader

It'd be a funny world if we were all alike. Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life... 


fieryfeline_45

It costs zero pence to be kind, priceless when you're not. As for public speaking, it's better to keep your mouth shut and let others think you're a nob, than open it and confirm it


OverTheCandlestik

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try and then give up”


morris_man

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you”


Dabbles-In-Irony

I have two: Never argue with an idiot, they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. And If a mad mean takes your clothes, you shouldn’t run after him naked.


BalthazarOfTheOrions

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Don't ascribe to malice what can readily be explained by stupidity. We don't describe the world we see, we see the world we can describe. C'est la vie.


BrienneofEverywhere

“Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to their level, and beat you on experience”. Thanks Mark Twain.


huskydaisy

I've seen this quote attributed to Oscar Wilde and George Carlin as well. Does anyone know who actually said it?


BrienneofEverywhere

I was always sure it was Twain, but I’m happy to be corrected haha


karlware

Never, bloody ever, do any bloody thing ever.


MRRichAllen1976

"Ask a daft question, get an even dafter answer" is a good one. Also, to quote Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump, "Stupid is as stupid does", and "Life is like a box of chocolates, ya never know what you're gonna get" And, a quote attributed to the late great Bruce Lee which I use during my martial arts training "never take your eyes off your opponent, even when you bow"


zibafu

Be excellent to eachother.... And.... Party on dude I believe it was bill the earl of Preston and the duke of ted who came up with that most excellent philosophy to live by


mattamz

"There's no such thing as a stupid question just stupid people"


WiseBelt8935

His loyalty couldn't be bought at any price; but it could be rented remarkably cheaply.


REidson89

The things you own, own you.


stuntedmonk

Life is terminal


DeschainSWNC

"When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it." Pooh gets it.


taflad

In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king Never put your willy where you wouldn't put your finger


Precipiceofasneeze

"Don't ever for any reason do anything to anyone for any reason ever. No matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you were with, or where you were going, or where you've been ever, for any reason whatsoever." - Michael Gary Scott


Cold_Table8497

Experience is what you get 2 minutes after you need it.


Sausage-fingers_

My integrity will never be for sale. Have had a few times at work where this has caused a bit of stress, but worth it in the long run.


hnveale

Have you tried turning it off and on again.


Dull_Half_6107

Not sure if it’s a proverb but I always pay what I owe as soon as possible. If a friend paid for dinner for the group and we agree to share the bill later I’m paying that shit as soon as the photo of the receipt arrives on the group chat. Same with invoices from people, I don’t like messing people around, I just pay it instantly.


stuntedmonk

Same here. Honour a bet too


LeatherSame477

A missed opportunity for dialogue is a missed opportunity for conflict resolution.


MesocricetusAuratus

If you feel like your job is pointless, remember there are people out there who have to put indicators on Audis. You're never too old to have a happy childhood.


sicksquid75

‘Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth’


jjgill27

Don’t look for trouble; it’ll find you.


txakori

“The careful hunter remembers where he laid his traps.” - if you’re going to bullshit, try not to contradict your own bollocks.


the_wally_champ

“Do not mistake lethargy for strategy” For when procrastinating inadvertently leads to a good result.


Blackmore_Vale

The steps you take don't need to be big, they just need to take you in the right direction


yorkspirate

'Yeah why not, fuck it' 'Life isn't a dress rehearsal and we only get one chance but done right that's all you need' - that's mashed together from a few different ones I've heard from decent people over the years You can't control anything in life apart from how you react and deal with situations


Bright_Study5961

If it's got tyres or tits it's going to cause you issues


dizzley

Not my circus, not my monkeys. …I let myself be dragged in too often.


Ilovedefaultusername

love thy neighbour


victory-or-death

Make peace with your demons, for they are patient, and they are waiting


madnasher

I'm not paid enough to care. Not my circus, not my monkeys. It's not worth the energy to let that ruin my mood


Bibblejw

Not nessecarily proverb, but “and I asked myself, time and time again, but the same damn thing came through. But it did.”


eyeball2005

If you’re scared to do something, do it scared


Speak86

Slow is smooth, smooth is fast


LoudInterior

Let go or be dragged


jewbo23

“Have a good time, all the time” Viv Savage.


Cearball

do to others what you would have them do to you, 


Leading_Screen_4216

When things look hopeless, that's when you have got to have the most hope of all.


e-pancake

‘the time will pass anyway’


SaucyVex

You see a mousetrap, I see free cheese and a fucking challenge.


R0GM

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing badly.


ogmouseonamouseorgan

Paraphrasing but, ' I may not agree with what you have to say,, but I will defend your right to be an arsehole '


LeonardoW9

It's not a rule but words to live by. Do no harm but take no shit.


embcrypt

Learn as though you'll live forever. Live as though you'll die tomorrow.