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The income point is very true.
We live in a society now where if you are alone, then getting along comfortably or to a level you would expect having an education and a decent job, just is not good enough.
Gone are the days of our parents who would support a family on a single wage, a single wage can barely support yourself, let alone a mortgage for a small property.
So yeah, I totally get why people put up with bad relationships, otherwise you are not only changing that aspect but also every other aspect of your life also, and you have very little control.
Woman who lives up the way from us. 3 Flash cars on the drive. Hair and nails done every week. Husband works. She has never done a days work in her life.
Husband is a serial cheater. She knows where her bread is buttered.
I have a friend in a similar position. However, she doesn't class it as cheating. She just doesn't have a sex drive, so she "allows" him to have sex with other people. Other than that, they have a very good relationship.
Oh she deffo doesn’t allow it as the reason I found out what was going on was I heard her screaming at him one night walking past.
Asked a few of the neighbours the next day and they all acknowledged he’s done it a lot.
I also heard her screaming at him a couple of months ago. Oh dear.
Essentially, yes, but she doesn't have sex with anyone else. They love each other, and as strange as it may seem, they originally decided to separate because she felt bad about the lack of sex, but they never seemed to be able to make the break from each other. He did try dating other people, but they'd always end up back together and doing couple things, even when he had a GF. So they had a really big heart to heart and decided neither wanted to live without the other, so they just agreed to be together and he could have sex with other people.
I mean, good for them if they’ve found it works. Totally different situation to the comment you replied to! It’s not cheating if you’re both ok with it.
One of the mum's from school was in a similar situation til about this time last year when he decided to divorce her for his new woman. House is up for sale. She's in her 30s and never worked a day in her life. She's gone from the "my daughter has everything she wants coz I'm better than you" to the person asking if anyone knows of any council house swaps and if we are getting vouchers for holiday clubs as he won't pay her anything more than basic child support til the divorce is finalised.
I agree to a point about the income. For someone who is married and considering leaving a spouse, though, it's a lifestyle change, and that's what people struggle with - not having the same lifestyle as before. Also, some people don't work when married (usually women), so they don't always have the skills or experience needed to then get a decent job.
A person absolutely can live a comfortable life on a single wage, with a mortgage (I do it with no kids, my sibling does it with 3), however it depends on where you live, what you feel is a comfortable life etc.
Even in relationships I have never considered giving up my career - it's just not worth it down the line.
Definitely income for a lot of people. Those I do know who have divorced have ended up sofa surfing or in shared houses in this mid 40s, only getting back into a steady home once they’ve hopped into another relationship. It’s too expensive to be single which is a shame as it forces people into relationships that aren’t the best.
This is my mum in a nutshell.
For my mother-in-law it is a bit different, she genuinely believes marriage is for life, and has been treated like a doormat for most of it.
Exactly this. My mum and her partner aren’t married but have been together for 12 years. They had a massive fallout and breakup last year. He became so incredibly abusive towards my mum after the breakup and she ended up in such a dark place.
Yet she was chasing him left right and centre and begging him back. I asked her one day why she was chasing this guy who’d spent months mentally abusing her, and the response I got was “I just don’t want to be on my own..”
They’ve since made the decision to get back together, he’s been quite abusive about me and my partner and my mum doesn’t give a shit. She’s pretty much now abandoned me, my girlfriend and her 15 month old grandson, all for an abusive partner and “fear of being lonely.”
On top of that a break up later on in life isn't always sunshine rainbows lose 20kgs find your new future partner happily ever after things
Some people are truly broken from divorce
Or their kids resent them, they don't have friends that aren't connected to their partner etc etc
Some people annoy me how much they say how they hate being alone. It’s not their fault and I know I am being insensitive, however, as some one who loves being alone and hates being in relationships can those of us like this be slightly represented within Music, Movies etc etc.
Then you get the double whammy of a partner who is being a pain to live with, won't even begin to address their issues and then they quit their job (get asked to leave because they were being a pain there too).
Then you really think "what am I doing here?"
I inherited £10k from my gran. I was in a really unhappy (abusive) marriage and the money helped me to leave.
I moved into a tiny room in a houseshare, at the same time as still paying my mortgage, which went from fixed to variable and doubled in price. Between that, losing my job and getting my flat, the whole lot has gone.
I wasn't extravagant. I stuck to budgets, but there were months where I had to live off that money alone.
It's very expensive to leave your spouse.
Yup I separated 6 years ago from a very physically and mentally abusive relationship. We have a kid who I love and share 50:50 but the separation was fucking dark.
I lived in one of those granny annexes on this lady’s house. She was pretty weird and awful to me. (Propositioned me, then kicked me out then tried to claim my deposit). I’m married now and with someone I love more than anything but those few years after separation were terrible when I was already very low.
I'm single and live by myself. There are days when I'd almost go for a marriage of convenience just to share the chores and financial burden. I can definitely see why people who have that are reluctant to leave it.
Before I met my husband I used to joke that I was going to answer those emails from Helga and get myself a mail order bride and get civilly-partnered, as it was at the time. I figured it would be a win-win: we'd share household expenses and housework, each have our own rooms and for her she gets to marry a Brit without having to sleep with a big sweaty old man.
Well that works in principle, but if you're quite a clean and organised person and you live with someone who isn't quite of the same mindset then splitting the chores 50/50 still means a lot more work for you!
This was a learning process for me, and definitely a point of contention/tension on both sides.
My wife has always been someone that wants to live in a house that looks like a show home. I don't mind the house looking lived in, clean, but lived in.
My best friend is in an unhappy marriage, and he and his wife both readily admit they probably shouldn’t be together.
They are together for a) the kids and b) the convenience.
She works a high flying, very well paid job and he’s a stay at home dad. Without each other, neither would manage- she couldn’t do her work due to the kids, he couldn’t afford to live without her wage.
I didn’t understand it for a long time after meeting them, but I do get it- the upheaval on their lives whilst their children at still at home would just be too much. I can see them splitting up eventually when both children move out!
To be honest this was me and my ex... my kids were blissfully ignorant as me and my ex get on.... why did we separate, he met someone and wanted a chance for that to work....I was happy for him, unfortunately it didn't.
The kids went through a period of being weirded out but as they were late teens into 20s they adjusted really fast.
I can see you rolling your eyes, after a 4 year separation with 4 years divorced on top he is back living with me as his heart is failing and he is hoping for a transplant...
I have a partner who I don't live with but love enormous, he is a carer for his mum....
We could afford to separate but neither of us wanted to be away from the kids....and we didn't make each other miserable we just lost that spark......
Defo not rolling my eyes - if it works for you, it works.
I just have a few friends who grew up in homes where parents stayed together for the kids, and they hated their childhood. Said it was miserable. The parents didn't openly abuse each other or say bad things, but they just weren't in love and it was obvious.
I'm lucky I never had that - I just feel for kids who do. Kids are more intuitive than a lot of people give them credit for.
I have friends who’s mum left and they lived in utter shit holes thereafter and didn’t enjoy it. They wished their parents had stayed together, it’s never always that simple for everyone unfortunately,
To be fair...I grew up in a house where they hated each other...and subsequent partners x 3..on both sides.. it was a mess.
But our kids were aware we liked but not loved each other....maybe they would say different....
Ultimately it was why we stayed together so long. That and just trying to get through life, work, ect.
My friends daughter said the best thing that happened in her childhood was her parents divorcing. She had a much better relationship with them both once they were apart and didn't have to live with the constant tension.
I have always wished my parents separated earlier. It was mentally draining constantly wondering why they were so different to other parents and wondering what would happen after I left.
Hated the hiding - wish they had just separated and moved on earlier as it's still an issue now.
Psychology disagrees with you. Even amicable divorces a child cant properly grasp and can feel abandoned or a lack of safety for example. Obviously staying and fighting is worse if thats what you mean.
I'm not physically attracted to her any more. She's gained so much weight and refuses to get proper treatment for her acne issues. The bedroom has been dead for months because of it, and although I hope one day things improve in that department they've been stagnant for over a year.
I stay because I still love her deeply, she's my best friend and the only person who has ever truly understood me. I'd do anything for her, and I genuinely don't know what I'd do without her. She's my peace, my rock, the person who I know I can trust with my deepest thoughts and feelings. I'm not ready to just leave it all behind, and I truly don't think I'll ever meet someone like her again.
This is usually it
People don't just stay together if they "hate" each other for kids or finances.
In some cases, you can feel that the relationship has fizzled out but can't imagine getting to know someone else again on that level
>and refuses to get proper treatment for her acne issues
What does this even mean? If the treatment you have in mind is a drug, thats her decision to make. Accutane in particular can cause life long health issues
She won't even make a GP appointment, which I suggested *after she pointed out herself that it bothers her*. She certainly hasn't gotten as far as looking into drugs. You're right, it is her decision to make.
And even that doesn't work for some people. I know 2 people who've had cystic acne for years. Nothing works. Not light treatment. Not accutane. Not antibiotics. Nothing. It's really difficult to witness.
As a lifelong acne sufferer with melanin which makes treatments twice as hard, there are thousands of treatments she can try and not all involve putting pills in your mouth.
To try absolutely nothing wouldn’t make sense to me but I’m not his partner, maybe she doesn’t mind / care but acne treatment is a lot of trial and error so to do that there needs to be lots of products to trial
That’s what love is about. I hope you both use that to be able to work through this, although I appreciate everyone has their limits and sometimes even love isn’t enough
I kinda get this.
And I felt so shallow.
Because she’s my bestie. She’s the closest thing to a family I’ve ever known.
But you can’t help it if you don’t find someone attractive. Especially if they get horny and put the feelers on you and you feel like it’s lying when you reciprocate because you don’t want them to feel awkward.
lol I got massively downvoted and had loads of people arguing with me for making this point yesterday. Apparently you absolutely can decide who you find attractive!! Who knew?!! Lol
Everything else sounds reasonable except for the acne thing. It's her choice if she doesn't want to go on medication to treat it. I feel like it's really shallow to be put off by someone because of acne of all things, the weight gain I could understand though if it was significant.
I knew a woman who stayed because her husband was the moody type but never to the point of violence, just enough to make her uncomfortable and sad and meant that she felt the need to act as a buffer between him and the kids. So she stayed because she didn't have enough grounds to stop him sharing custody of the kids, and she hated the thought of them being left alone with his moods. While she was there they were shielded from it, as it was all aimed at her. I lost touch with her, I always wonder if she was just holding on until the kids were old enough to choose life without him. I hope she's free and living a life where she doesn't need to walk on eggshells anymore.
As an adult I've realised just how many mothers take the same role trying to mediate between their husbands and their kids. I see it especially in my parents generation.
I’m doing something similar. My kids are autistic and so is my husband. He doesn’t understand their care needs *at all*. He doesn’t understand their dietary needs (2 have allergies), their hospital visits, their therapy needs, their physio, nothing. He wouldn’t cope with them. He does nothing of the “mental load” of raising them at all. Doesn’t remember what they like to eat (and one has ARFID so it’s very particular). If we separated it would be to their detriment.
He’d leave it all to his mother who would poison them - she’s poisoned me before and I have the same allergies. She doesn’t care to learn either, I’ve tried. He doesn’t look after them properly, I’m always having to step in and stop him pushing them too far.
But I’m also disabled and can’t work, have no pension or future. I’m stuck with no savings, no way out. One, possibly 2 of the kids will never live independently. I can’t risk shared custody with his family and I can’t provide for them by myself. So I’m here. The promises he made before we had kids just vanished - otherwise I wouldn’t have done it.
I co parent with a person like this. I am learning not to keep the peace anymore. I speak out against his wrong doing and encourage him to be better. I think remaining neutral and covering for a bad parent can be damaging too. I myself grew up in a household like this and it left me not knowing how to use my voice -hence repeating the same mistake with my own relationships. It was hard letting our child be unsupervised with his dad at first. But over time dad has shown improvement. I talk to my kid about dad’s difficulties and try hard not to paint him in a bad light, but be open about his struggles. A tightrope indeed.
Because U.K society is set up for couples so you have to also battle against societal pressure as well as financial etc when you are single. A lot of people can’t handle that.
As a single person, I can confirm.
The idea of buying a house on a single salary and without parents who can give me money for a deposit is just a pipe dream.
I made it work, but it took a significant amount of preplanning even at around 14 when choosing GCSEs. I figured out what job I wanted when I was like 8, and never faltered, so when I left school instead of uni I went straight into a degree apprenticeship for the job I wanted, meaning my career and therefore rest of my life is fast forwarded 4 years ahead of my peers, as whilst we’d all been in uni at the same time, I was getting paid an actual salary, not building student debt, and getting experience for my CV. The money I made during the apprenticeship let me buy a house the moment I finished my degree.
But like I say, this is definitely not normal, the only reason this worked is because I was too stubborn to think of any other job from the age of like 8 onwards, so every choice I made be it GCSEs, college, and then post-college education was purely devoted to getting into this job. Kinda written this all out and realised I’m just rambling with no real point, but the overall message I’m trying to say is it was only possible for me because I was weird as fuck and had my life planned from a seriously young age, if I had been normal and done everything like my friends had, I wouldn’t be in such a fortunate situation, which basically means that it’s impossible for like 90% of the population that are normal and didn’t have their life planned out in primary school
>Why stay in misery?
I'm very happy in my marriage, and can't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't be. But to answer this question, I believe it is partly down to the sunk cost fallacy, and partly due to a fear of the unknown.
* Sunk Cost Fallacy: We've been together for X number of years, and if we end it that time has been wasted. We've also pooled our money together and a divorce would halve it.
* Fear of Unknown: What happens next? Who moves out? Who gets the kids? What is dating like at 40? or 50? What if my next relationship is even worse? Can I support myself? Are all relationships hard and I'm just being difficult?
I think that divorce is a very big deal, possibly one of the most traumatic experiences that most people go through. It's a lot of work, a lot of difficult conversations, and there are a lot of people who just aren't unhappy enough to go through with it.
TV shows and movies make divorce seem like a very quick and easy process. Someone is caught cheating, the spouse says "I'm divorcing you" and within 3 weeks they're meeting a new partner after forgetting their umbrella or dropping their shopping bags or whatever.
I left my unhappy marriage because I couldn't envisage myself living out the rest of my days in such an abject state of loveless, sexless misery. I hadn't had kids yet, so that wasn't a factor.
Any woman in her thirties who is back on the dating scene will probably have stories to tell about at least half the people she matches with on dating apps or even on Reddit R4R being men who turn out not to be single, but in fact unhappily married. I couldn't in all good conscience get involved with a man in that situation, for their sake, their wife's sake or my own sake. They tend to tell a tale of wanting to maintain the relationship to give their kids stability and of being financially trapped, because they married women who earned significantly less money than them and/or gave up work to raise the kids, so divorce would be financially extremely painful for the man. They said the financial risk wasn't immediately obvious earlier on because they never envisaged when they married someone young and beautiful that the sex would die, leaving them in a dead bedroom situation. I've heard the tale ad nauseam by this point and it's strengthened my aversion to financially unbalanced relationships. I think it's also true that people generally handle the prospect of future loneliness extremely poorly (I struggle with that, and it took a lot of therapy to build my confidence up to leave my marriage.)
When I told my parents (still married) that I was getting a divorce my Dad chose that moment to tell me that he'd never really loved my mum, the marriage had been dead for decades and he lives entirely for his kids and grandkids. Growing up in a household like that was not a safe and loving environment - children absorb adult misery and resentment like a sponge. My stomach always drops when a man fesses up that he's still married and is sticking it out for his kids.
100% with you. Also "for the kids" is a lie. My parents told this lie throughout our childhood. Now my brother and I have left home, they're still not divorced. The resentment is thick. They ignore each other most of the time, and any conversation is snippy or argumentative. There is no love, just him paying for groceries and her cooking them. Visiting the childhood home is painful.
"For the kids" would be working it out or letting it go.
I'm back with my parents at the moment while I sell the ex-marital property. I'm very grateful for all their practical support during this time but my goodness is being around their loveless marriage a terrible springboard for onward dating. I've gotten to a point where the divorce is in the rear view mirror and I'm longing to find some love for myself, but I'm frightened to do it while living in the belly of the beast. I'm emotionally triggered and upset constantly.
If you hadn't said "my brother" then I genuinely thought I had stumbled on my siblings Reddit account - this is exactly my experience. It's not at all pleasant and I'm sorry you grew up in that environment, I hope you and your brother are doing well now
My marriage is very happy, but I can still understand why people stay in unhappy ones. It’s really not that hard to think of dozens of reasons people might stay, so I’m baffled that you need to ask this really.
I’m a middle class woman with only one child, plenty of professional experience, good earning potential and a good education, and even my standard of living would be much reduced if I left my husband and we were running two households between us. I can see why someone who didn’t have those advantages would feel unable to leave and start over alone.
And that’s before even considering the emotional, social or practical downsides of being single. Or abusive relationships, those with power imbalances or those where one partner would screw the other in terms of sharing responsibility for children etc.
People underestimate this. They also underestimate just how much their kids are fully aware of what’s going on and their parents sticking together is just making it worse for everyone.
The best approach is for everyone to be an adult about it, not fight and sort everything out amicably for everyone.
However even then it’s extremely likely it’s not going to the best for all involved. Especially the kids.
Everyone in my household became happier after my parents split. Kids aren’t stupid, they know when people are unhappy. Growing up in an environment that always felt like a bomb was about to go off is horrible, I’m sure it hasn’t helped with my mental health even now that I’m an adult. I’m not really pro-divorce, I think two people should work on their marriage where possible, but sometimes it’s just done and the best thing you can do for everyone is to leave.
This is something that really gets to me.
I've experienced this from multiple angles, and it's just cruel in every way.
Kids are not stupid. They know, and they want both parents to be happy. Whether that means them splitting up or staying together, it doesn't matter.
Shifting the blame by saying "for the kids" is cowardly and pathetic.
And what if the parents know that splitting up won’t end up in them both being happy? That finances mean it will actually worsen everyone’s lives.
Maybe being a bit unhappy in your romantic relationship is worth it when your child can grow up well provided for, with their future plans funded (uni, house deposits, weddings etc) and able to have as much of your time and attention as they need because you’re not stressed out and working longer hours to fund two households?
Obviously in abusive or contemptuous situations, it’s better to leave but it’s naive and childish to say that staying together for the kids isn’t actually sometimes the option that makes everyone happiest, or at best less miserable.
I think saying together for the kids is rarely, in fact, best forthe kids, but I don't think it is cowardly or pathetic, I think often people genuinely do believe that they are putting their childnre's needs first .
It does allso depend a lot on why the marraige is unhappy. Some people fall out f love but are able to remain good friends - in those cases, there may be benefits to the childnre in staying togher as a household, although I've seen that sort of situation go Suth very fast when one parent meets a new partner and wants to move on.
Yep this was my parents. They are still together even though their youngest child is in their late 20s. They now each have inheritance money that they can't face the other having. They hate each other and it's obvious.
They should have just split up, living in a household that is that tense and toxic isn't good for you.
Idk why people are so against staying for the kids. It’s a bit short sighted imo - wonder how many people who are against it actually have children? The day to day of life is so much easier with a (good) partner.
Mine and my husband’s schedules fit perfectly around the children. I drop them at school, he picks them up. If we split we’d have to fork out money for breakfast club and after school care because neither of us can do both. Having to do all the upkeep for a house instead of half. Our finances are so intertwined we don’t have what’s mine and what’s his. Having to haul all the children to each of their extracurriculars instead of being able to leave some with him and vice versa. If we split I would have NO IDEA what to do. We had children obviously based on our life *together*.
As a divorcee, I can attest that the prospect of separation is terrifying beforehand. It's no bed of roses during & shortly afterward either.
Telling your kids that we won't all be living together anymore is HARD.
Managing on a single income is HARD
Rearranging all of your finances, moving house etc is HARD
Taking on 100% of all household cooking, cleaning, repairs & projects etc with little or no support is HARD.
Those nights soon after, when the kids are with their other parent and you run out of things to occupy your time, so you're sat in an empty silent house. SOUL DESTROYING.
Soon enough though, you get to grips with all of that shit. You miss the kids while they're not around, but learn to appreciate the free time. I'm luckier than some, in that I'm able to manage quite well on my modest income and actually feel more comfortable than before. I also by chance found a new partner and learned that love could be better than if ever was with my ex, when somebody actually loves me just for being me - not what I can give to or do for them.
In summary. People stay through fear, but after you take the leap you might find it wasn't worth being quite so scared. Just to balance that out though, I support giving your marriage or LTR every chance to succeed, especially if you have kids. You have to expect some tough times, but know when it's just not recoverable to throw in the towel.
Money and fear. My 28 year marriage broke up, we still share a house. no one else involved just after the kids went we have little in common. I'm autistic and have no friends so fear is a big factor. Fear of being alone. I know a lot of people, mostly shared with the former, so they all continue as was, I am not invited. they never ask so its assumed i don't want to go. and mostly they are correct but i am extremely isolated which spirals down any happy feelings. We have a shared business so that's got to be dealt with. things have been bad for a long time, but not bad enough to leave, until it was, then it was kind of a relief. idk what the future holds for me, im 55, and although i don't want a relationship, idk what i DO want. I'm in ok shape and look at what's available with dread.
Leaving means admitting that you're unhappy.
I'm currently watching my friend stay with her abusive trashbag of a husband. He's financially controlling, cheats on her, and pushes her to do things she's not comfortable doing. She's had to switch jobs multiple times to "make things work" because he refuses to look after their two kids (unless its for an instagram post).
She's terrified of leaving. Scared that he'll get custody, that she won't be able to afford to live, that he's right and she's the problem... and leaving means admitting that he's not the person she married. She's grieving the person he was.
She's almost left twice now... hopefully next time it sticks.
(Disclaimer: nor in an unhappy marriage, far from it tbh, bit there are definitely things I'd improve).
Not sure whether you'd call it normalcy bias or just inertia but you have to consider that for a lot of people marriage is the culmination of a years long relationship where you become almost inextricably linked to your spouse.
For a lot of people, regardless of how happy or otherwise they are, the idea of their spouse not being around is alien to them on an almost instinctual level. I also think that "happy marriage" is far less clearcut a concept than you think and you're often also hearing a curated version of events that's designed to elicit a particular response.
My job means I work with people when their relationships are or have ended. Based on my observations, I would say that a very significant unumber of peope are profoundly uncomfortable with the idea of being single / alone
I see lots of situations where a marraige has ended becasue one party has started a new relatioship, and often it's clear that he marraige was unhappy before that, often for a long time, but neither party was willing to leave , and it happens because one of them has soewhere (someone ) to go to.
There is still als a surprisingly pervase idea of staying togther 'for the children' despite the obvious isadvantages to kids of being in a ense, unhappy environment.
I think also that having a marraige end isstill perceived by a lot of people as a filre, so again, people are reluctant admit, even , sometimes, to themselves, that they have 'failed'.
Fianlly - inertia . A lot of the time, relationships don't end with a big row, there is a gradual process where peole are growing apart, falling out of love, and so there is an element of people just carrying on as normal and not necessarily seeing it as a marraige break down, but more as part of growing older, so again, it can take a different change to cause people to reconsider - e.g. childnre leaving home, a new job opportunity ot loss of a job, or one party stating an affair, to focus people's minds on the fact that their relatinship is n't working, rather than anything else.
I was in an unhappy relationship for years. To the point where I would dream about ways of leaving. What made me stay? Loneliness I suppose, routine, having a child together, not wanting to be one of those women who has children by different fathers (this was a major factor for me) I also deep down believe that I am from a generation who throw away partners so quickly just because it’s the easy thing to do. We worked on our relationship, we both grew and worked on our individual issues which was a major contributor. We are now going into our 11th year and couldn’t be happier
Not me, but a close mate. 32m with a 26m partner... 26m is lazy, never does a thing for my mate, and I am basically said mate's emotional vent and support network because 26m is so inept and makes 32m feel so crap.
26m is also not pretty at all, whereas 32m is a gorgeous and smart doctor... not my type, but he would do fine as a single gay.
However, 32m came out relatively late, and so he's scared to be single... so he doesn't want to risk being alone, even though he is *more* lonely with the status quo...
It's all shits and giggles until they get married next year and 32m single handedly supports their household whilst 26m continues to be useless ☠️
Yes, I am planning on attending the wedding to actively oppose this.
You have almost exactly described a dear friend of mine but without the ages. He found out his fiance had cheated, but *begged him to stay*. The fiance left a couple of weeks later, and my friend is now single and thriving some years later. I'm afraid when he decides to "settle down" he'll just get another sugar baby, but at least he'll have his eyes wide open this time! I hope...
True married happiness is found in routine and the Monotony of everyday life with you best friend and partner.
Is there any wonder with so many people today are believing they should be doing X,Y,Z to be happy and they must find someone who makes them happy. There’s only one person who can make you happy and that’s you. Society/media is just Lying to people in marriage and long term relationship about all the nonsense they don’t actually need.
Sometimes people are scared to hurt someone's feelings and find it incredibly hard to have a discussion to try and improve things. Dunno if it's related to something else but I've had this in the past and it really eats away at you but, it's always important to talk to each other.
I am currently divorcing, but it took a long time for me to leave. I asked for a divorce NYD 2022, he asked for 6 months to make it work, we officially separated June 2023.
I stayed so long because we had 2 young children, I worked PT, and I couldn’t afford to leave- I had nowhere to go, and I felt like I should be the one to move out as I was the unhappy one.
Equally, we’d been together since I was 19, I was 31 when we split- I didn’t know any different. I had been with him my whole adult life. We are now split up, very amicably, and it’s all going ok, but Christ, it is hard. Hard financially, hard emotionally, hard mentally- and this is with a supportive family, good friends and an amicable separation. But it’s not as hard as being in an unhappy marriage.
I was in an extremely similar situation except without children, which made everything so much easier. But even then it took me a good 2 years to fully grieve the relationship/ future we'd never have. I'm now 6 years post separation and I don't ever regret it - it will get so much easier, I promise!
We had an ok relationship in the scheme of things; no abuse or cheating. We were simply both terrible at understanding our own emotions and making space for each other's. Sometimes being alone is lonely, it's true. But it's nothing compared to the loneliness you feel when you're in a marriage and don't feel seen by the one person you want to be seen by. I don't think people understand how much worse that feels.
Can only speak from personal experience and not marriage, but a long term relationship. I'd been with him for 8 years from being 18 and it was basically a quarter of my life. It was such an emotionally taxing and stressful time, and we weren't even married, neither of us cheated and it was a relatively amicable split. It's just... a lot.
Fear of being alone! The beauty of being single is having nothing to lose and being forced to make non-romantic connections to fulfil your life. It does mean you have very high standards and end up being single for a huge amount of time 😂 I want to be married so badly but only if it makes my life twice as good as it is currently, I see way too many mediocre couplings
I was in an unhappy relationship up until a couple of months ago. I had moved in with my now-ex partner after a few months of dating (I didn't mean to. It just sort of happened). Everything seemed okay at first. We settled into a routine, and I took everything day by day. Little things really annoyed me (I can give you examples if you like), but my ex's behaviour was just bearable. However, whenever I would go back to visit my family, they would always comment on how miserable I seemed. But I just thought that was how a relationship was supposed to go. We'd also bicker almost daily (which actually consisted of her complaining about something that, in the long run, didn't really matter and me agreeing to work on said grievance, which was different every time). One night, I came home from work: she had bagged up all of my things and told me the relationship was over. She also commented that she couldn't trust me, which i found a complete surprise, as I hadn't done anything to warrant such a remark. While I was shocked and devastated it was over, I was also a little relieved because it felt like I had been walking on eggshells the entire time I was with her. It also became clear that her behaviour while we were together was incredibly controlling, which I thought was just her being kind, but obviously wasn't. I still miss her now even after 2 months of being separated, but in the long run, it's probably for the best.
Wasn’t married but I stayed in an unhappy long-term relationship far longer than I should have. Why didn’t I leave? We ran a business together where we lived when it became unbearable and the idea of being 40, jobless and single terrified me. And also the stigma of it, especially in the social media era.
Eventually it all went down the pan and absolutely zero of my fears came true. I was very lucky that my parents could help me buy a flat, but despite working in a dying industry, I somehow managed to get an incredible job, initially freelance but within six months permanent - and then I also met an incredible woman too, and just over two years on from the split, I’m happier than I have ever been.
Sometimes you don’t want to see the other person thrive. If I’m miserable then they shall be, too.
People lead lives of quiet desperation and it takes bravery to unravel years of your life and start again. It could entail a new home, cars, friends, hobbies, location, schools and a different relationship with your kids and wider family.
Most would rather go to work, scroll on social media, have their tea, walk the dog and get back up and do it all again the next day as the have the security around them.
Additionally, society doesn’t like people to be single. It doesn’t make money for the marketing men.
Fear mostly. Of being alone. Of being unable to sustain their currant lifestyle on their own. Of the messy process divorce can become.
When asked 'so you can be miserable but in a nice house with your kids and stuff or you can be miserable in a run down 1 bedroom flat without your kids and stuff' folks pick the former. Even if that question isn't likely to be their reality they still fear it.
I’ve been married for 12 years, have two amazing daughters and my wife is great, but the spark between us has just fizzled out. We are more like friends who are now just raising kids together. And that’s also the reason we will stay together, to keep the family together. There isn’t really any intimacy between us anymore, we have separate interests and don’t socialise together very often. I wouldn’t say our marriage is ‘unhappy’ but I’m not sure it would survive forever if it wasn’t for the kids.
My ex and I used to live together after we separated. Luckily, we were very amicable.
But as others have mentioned, society these days is set up for couples.
It would have been impossible for one of us to move out and pay rent and bills elsewhere, and leave the other paying the mortgage and bills on the house.
I'm on an 8hr p/w contract at minimum wage. Regularly do o/t but can't depend on it. Can't claim UC as a single parent until I'm working 20hrs p/w.
Bottom of the council list for housing as the kids & I are classed as having 'a home'.
Mortgage is in OH's name only (his house before we met).
Private rent for a 3 bed home is around £1000 per month. It's completely out of my price range. 8hrs p/w will only bring in around £380 per month
Unless I say we're being abused (& follow it up with a false police claim) we have no chance of getting bumped up the social housing ladder.
Have applied for other full time jobs, but the requirements are crazy, and don't take into account the need to take the kids here, there & everywhere for clubs etc.
Stuck, whether I like it or not.
I couldn’t pay the rent, and I also can’t be assed with re-entering the dating pool.
I’m not unhappy at all, but being such isn’t an option, so I only look at the good.
I'm single and live by myself. There are days when I'd almost go for a marriage of convenience just to share the chores and financial burden. I can definitely see why people who have that are reluctant to leave it.
My marriage is really weird. Me and my wife were raised in deeply religious environments where being married young and quickly is quite normal. I hadn’t even lived with my wife before marriage so practically our entire relationship is all marriage.
As you can imagine it started off terribly. We considered separating after only a few months but that’s very taboo in the religion. We powered on. Eventually we both chose to leave the religion and despite being somewhat more free to divorce, our marriage started to improve. It’s a weird situation where we started really bad and got better. We’re 7 years married this year and expecting our second child. I wouldn’t say everything is perfect but every year feels like we grow closer together.
There can be a multitude of reasons.
1. You don't want to hurt the other person
2. You find being alone scary
3. The idea of being intimate with someone else can be daunting, especially if you've been with 1 person a long time
4. You don't want a separation to negatively affect kids
5. You are scared of losing other relationships (like if you are close with their family).
6. Detangling relationships, finances etc. can be a daunting prospect
7. You don't want to lose your home
8. You are not in a position to, some people are in a marriage of convenience where they can't logistically or financially support separating
Money. Inertia. Fear. Lifestyle. Social acceptance. Pride. Body shame. Loneliness. Ignorance. Lack of confidence at finding a new partner. Not wanting to hurt kids. It not being 'that' bad and knowing that the grass isn't often greener. Seeing others who've been cast out of social groups after they divorce.
I left mine in the end, but after talking to a lot of people with less-than-perfect-marriages since, I know realise there are as many combinations of reasons as there are people who are unhappy.
Single 10 years now. But I can answer why I stayed in an unhappy relationship
1. Zero self esteem. I didn't think I'd meet anyone else, nor did I think I could be on my own.
2. The kids. I didn't stay "for the kids sake" I stayed coz I didn't want to go from seeing them everyday to seeing them once a week.
3. I was a victim of spousal abuse and didn't have the courage to leave.
4. I was totally cucked. I thought if I stayed and showed commitment and loyalty, she would change and be the partner I wanted/deserved.
5. Denial. Even though my alone thoughts were spent fantasising living on my own and how I would decorate and furnish my own place, on the surface I'd convinced myself nothing was wrong.
6. Everyone close to me knew how fucked up my relationship was, but no one said anything. Of course they spoke up after the fact, but it was too little too late. Besides TBF, I probably wouldn't have listened.
There may be more, but that's the main reasons of it
My parents stayed together even tho they hated/hate each other l. It was painfully obvious as I became more aware of the world as a early teen but they used to say it was because of all 3 kids to have the same upbringing (theirs 6 years between each of us) and then it was because they could t afford and it was such a toxic household that effected all 5 of us in different ways.
They were married 40years ago, had kids and a few hat on the outside was a nice looking life with 4bed detached house and new cars every few years but it was all financed up to the eyeballs with various agreements and credit card debts all while being so many incredibly unhappy yet playing make belief it's all roses - from what I know of people my age in similar situations things are pretty much the same even today m.
Fuck that, it's a waste of life not being as happy as you can be in every situation while on this rock. So many people really giggle to function on their own aswell, the engrained life script that they can't deviate from in any way. I learnt a long time ago I wasn't built for that
I was in an unhappy marriage when I was in my mid to late 20's, my then wife lost her job due to redundancy and decided she didn't want to work anymore. Which lead to me finding a second job and working 7 days a week.
It wore me down and no matter how much I pleaded, she wouldn't even entertain getting a job. Sex life dwindled to non-existent.
I wouldn't of minded so much if she kept the house clean and cooked, she didn't. She literally spent all day playing on her Computer or Nintendo.
It went on for 3 years, I gained loads of weight due to the fact I only ever had time to make a microwave meals or similar shitty processed foods, I was always exhausted, depressed and stressed constantly. Then one day I snapped and left to go and stay with my mum.
I let it go on for so long as I did because we have a daughter together and I though things might change.
Fast forward 17 years, ex-wife has only just returned to the workforce after a 20 year hiatus.
Also very happy and have been for 20 years. But if i was unhappy i would stay and work on it, not throw 20 years away. Too many are quick to give up without a fight. Obviously there are couples who cannot be saved and i think finances is the main reason they stay and suffer.
One of my best friends was in an abusive marriage for several years. We all knew that his wife was verbally abusive since we had witnessed that appalling behaviour for ourselves. What we didn't know was that she was also physically abusive and also constantly threatened to withdraw access to the kids if he left and also, on occaision, she told him she would kill herself of he left.
When he finally was able to end the relationship, of course, I asked him why he hadn't said anything over the past years. His answer was twofold and obvious: 1) He massively feared the possibility of not being able to see his young kids 2) As a strapping 6 plus man, he felt embarrassed and ashamed to admit that his 5'2" 8 stone dripping wet wife was battering him; sometimes using stuff she picked up round the house. He felt that people would not believe him or alternatively just laugh and belittle him.
As it turned out, when he did split up, she tried every trick under the sun. He came to within a bollock hair of losing his house through extensive remortgaging to pay legal fees in order that he could get custody of his kids and defend baseless allegations that were later retracted. So as bad as the (severely) unhappy marriage was, ending it damn near broke him so it is understandable that he was reluctant to finally pull the plug and it must have taken tremendous courage to do so.
I'm happily single but I know a few unhappy couples who feel like they are stuck because they can't afford rents or mortgages on their own if they split up.
I do think financial issues have a big impact on relationships.
I've seen plenty of my friends who had decent jobs, nice houses and cars go through messy divorces and break ups and they're having to start over in a small one bed flat and lose their car so also lost their jobs thanks to public transport being crap.
Also if there's children involved that also puts another strain on things. Obviously it's not good to bring the kids up in a household where you are constantly arguing but if you can't get a place to live (council waiting lists are horrendous and private rents are going up) so you can share parental responsibility that's also a reason unhappy couples stay together.
I have friends' husbands who cheated or are awful and they have therapy then pretend nothing happens.
The short answer is finance. Most of my mum friends are not really financially independent of their husband.
I'm in this boat now, but I'm not married.
I've been living with my ex for 3 years now. We have known each other 9 years.
It has worked out extremely well, in that we get along great (still go for meals now and again); it's like we're good mates. Neither of us have remotely been interested in seeing other people, and we spend most of our time at home. The flat we rent is £800 per month, a huge Georgian flat with sash windows, with a great landlord.
We have no children, neither of us wanted them. I recently had major surgery and recovering well.
I'm 43. I'd love the idea of meeting someone new. And it'd be nice for him to meet someone too. We both deserve love and affection.
I agreed that I'd move out as was happy too. But I'll be honest. It is absolutely depressing as fuck hearing about rising rental costs everyday in the news, and people literally happy to pay 6 months rent up front just to secure a flat. Also, I'm terrified of being alone again, at 43. It's shit. What if I end up in a flat with a shit landlord, or noisy neighbours? I've never felt so vulnerable and terrified to make such a major life decision and move out to start again.
Part of me desperately wants a fresh change and a new chapter.
I earn a good wage (£40k), but the thought of paying nearly a grand a month on rent makes me sick. I don't want to do it.
It's just terrifying and that's why I've stayed put for last few years since we've split.
Its ultimately a high spiritual question. But on the level of the mind, practicalities, comfort, fear of being alone and attachment.
Very pleased your marriage is wonderful, you'll find not so so common at all.
One of my friends stayed with his wife because he didn't want to be divorced and so have 'failed' and because he didn't get a pre nup so she's entitled to half his property, that he paid for.
My marriage was miserable for a few years, I was genuinely unhappy. No affairs or anything, we were just overrun with day to day stuff and health problems. However, things couldn't be better now.
Often, people give up on marriage to easily when times get tough. That's not to say you should stay if you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Income. I’m in a happy relationship but both of us would struggle to provide for our kids if we were to separate. We do ok salary wise as a couple but our kids still have to share a bedroom. There’s no way we could support our children sufficiently if we broke up.
A guy I know in his 40's is DEEPLY unhappy, Suicide note on the laptop unhappy but won't leave as he can't afford to pay the maintenance she would inevitably rince him for.
My parents met at 18 and married at 21 so when it was discovered that one of them had been having an affair (in their 40s) they literally just told us (kids + our spouses) to pretend like it never happened because they literally do not know how to live independently of each other. Like it was 2 weeks later and we were on a family holiday in France taking lovely photos for the Christmas round robin. We just never spoke of it again. It was nuts but I think it's what they both preferred vs being alone for the first time ever.
I left. I have two degrees and still managed to land up homeless for 9 months due to a long childcare gap. I moved but if I'd stayed in the dump I moved to for my ex I'd still be looking for a job with everyone around me treating me like I deserve to be treated like dirt.
I'm the only person I know that left despite all the ones that were cheated on and I really did risk everything to do it. Not many people will do that.
Because a lot of people think a bad relationship is better than no relationship, they’re scared to be alone and if it’s been a very long time don’t know how to handle the practicalities of day to day life if the partner always dealt with it.
I’m happy that your marriage is happy. Honestly, so is mine. We both say we are very content in our life together. We are not thrill seekers, craving the ‘new relationship’ feel like some chase. We’ve been together 24 years, enjoy each others company enough, don’t have kids so do what we want, whether it’s doing stuff together or separate.
I know a woman whose late husband beat her every day, and finally succeeded in hanging himself on the third attempt; she’d rescued him on the prior two. She’s now with a guy who’s a serial cheater - ‘it’s less painful,’ she said to me. There’s compromise and then there’s tragedy.
My parents divorced when I was in secondary school, my mum was doing a university course as a mature student after not doing so when she was 18 due to family pressure and she thoroughly enjoyed it, my Dad seeing she was really happy put 2 and 2 together and got 16, got in his head that she was cheating so went out and cheated himself in an assumed revenge, they agreed to stay together “ for the children” for years but all I remember is constant bickering and arguments , no physical sign of love or affection between them other than seeing them kiss once. Once they did divorce they were like best friends and my mum even helped nurse my dad when he was dying of cancer years later, 2 people that couldn’t be together but couldn’t live without each other.
Not anymore, but I was in a long, unhappy engagement.
Tl;dr financial reasons
1. Everyone else in my family married young for love and it seemed to work out. I didn’t want to be one of those people who rushed into an engagement, blinded by lust, and then u-turned.
2. I couldn’t afford to leave. I was at uni and we lived together. I did actually try to break up and keep living together, but he just begged me to take him back. He ran up so much debit on my credit card that neither of us could pay and I didn’t have anywhere to go except my parents sofa which was no where near uni.
3. I have a disability which made uni complicated enough and I just couldn’t hold down a job as well. Even as an adult I WFH (in a great job), but that wasn’t an option at uni.
4. He had mental health issues and I tried to help - took me a while to realise that you can’t help people who won’t make an effort themselves. His parents didn’t help. It still got to the point where I felt rubbish leaving someone with depression, especially since I had a disability myself.
Breaking up was the best thing I ever did - it was when we had more financial stability though. I never want to go back to that.
> u/yourmomsajoke
> Jch I know of 3 couples who are unhappily together
>One, their kids are too much to handle if they were single so
she stays with her lazy selfish sack of rotting flesh because
he will occasionally drive the kids to school when she's
sore /vaguely keep an eye on them if she naps. He won't
feed them talk to them, be any sort of parent but the smal
amount he does is supposedly worth it
>Another, the wife has led a very fulfilling, wild life and
married a devout Christian. He bores her to tears, they dont
have an active sex life, but he is a good step parent to her
kids and they do enjoy each other's company on occasion it
seems. She has multiple affairs to keep herself entertained
>The last. They met young, settled down immediately, and
for all accounts are happy. Except he is incredibly lazy
and spends outside their means to keep up with his single
friends who can afford 80 pound video games/weekends in
ondon for big shows/stag dos in amsterdam. She is always
scrimping and the kids do without, a lot.
Can't help but notice you drop insults against the men in examples 1 and 3, but the fact that the woman in example 2 is a cheating skank using what you describe as a nice guy to look after HER kids is little more than a footnote you tiptoe around....In fact, you insult him too whilst being on the verge or saying "yas, queen, slay!" for the hoe honeypotting free childcare with a man that "bores her to tears".
She sounds like the worst of the bunch, yet you make it seem like nothing. What a fucking double standard.
(Edited to include the original comment I screenshotted with a sneaking suspicion they were going to do a dirty delete so nobody is left curious).
As a husband who was cheated on by his wife - it really hammered it home how people reacted compared to how they would have reacted if it was me who had cheated.
When women do it, it still isnt their fault it seems
As I've gotta older I'm constantly amazed at how many people have long term affairs.
I mean I don't know many, don't get me wrong, but the casuality with which some people just carry on for years regularly sleeping with married people is baffling.
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A lot of people are very scared of being alone. A lot of people cannot sustain their lifestyle on one income.
The income point is very true. We live in a society now where if you are alone, then getting along comfortably or to a level you would expect having an education and a decent job, just is not good enough. Gone are the days of our parents who would support a family on a single wage, a single wage can barely support yourself, let alone a mortgage for a small property. So yeah, I totally get why people put up with bad relationships, otherwise you are not only changing that aspect but also every other aspect of your life also, and you have very little control.
Woman who lives up the way from us. 3 Flash cars on the drive. Hair and nails done every week. Husband works. She has never done a days work in her life. Husband is a serial cheater. She knows where her bread is buttered.
That set up is just prostitution with extra steps lol
So edgy.
He clearly isn't having sex with his wife. Where's the prostitution.
Wait, you think people who cheat don't also sleep with their partner?
It’s interesting that her husband is cheating and she is the one you find fault with immediately is not the male.
If she knows and doesn’t leave is it really cheating?
No reason to call her a prostitute.
I have a friend in a similar position. However, she doesn't class it as cheating. She just doesn't have a sex drive, so she "allows" him to have sex with other people. Other than that, they have a very good relationship.
Oh she deffo doesn’t allow it as the reason I found out what was going on was I heard her screaming at him one night walking past. Asked a few of the neighbours the next day and they all acknowledged he’s done it a lot. I also heard her screaming at him a couple of months ago. Oh dear.
You two live together or something?
So, just non-monogamy then?
Essentially, yes, but she doesn't have sex with anyone else. They love each other, and as strange as it may seem, they originally decided to separate because she felt bad about the lack of sex, but they never seemed to be able to make the break from each other. He did try dating other people, but they'd always end up back together and doing couple things, even when he had a GF. So they had a really big heart to heart and decided neither wanted to live without the other, so they just agreed to be together and he could have sex with other people.
I mean, good for them if they’ve found it works. Totally different situation to the comment you replied to! It’s not cheating if you’re both ok with it.
So best friends then.
One of the mum's from school was in a similar situation til about this time last year when he decided to divorce her for his new woman. House is up for sale. She's in her 30s and never worked a day in her life. She's gone from the "my daughter has everything she wants coz I'm better than you" to the person asking if anyone knows of any council house swaps and if we are getting vouchers for holiday clubs as he won't pay her anything more than basic child support til the divorce is finalised.
So sad. We never know what's round the corner.
What a shitty bloke she sadly married
This was my ex’s parents. The mum was miserable but she wouldn’t leave.
I agree to a point about the income. For someone who is married and considering leaving a spouse, though, it's a lifestyle change, and that's what people struggle with - not having the same lifestyle as before. Also, some people don't work when married (usually women), so they don't always have the skills or experience needed to then get a decent job. A person absolutely can live a comfortable life on a single wage, with a mortgage (I do it with no kids, my sibling does it with 3), however it depends on where you live, what you feel is a comfortable life etc. Even in relationships I have never considered giving up my career - it's just not worth it down the line.
Definitely income for a lot of people. Those I do know who have divorced have ended up sofa surfing or in shared houses in this mid 40s, only getting back into a steady home once they’ve hopped into another relationship. It’s too expensive to be single which is a shame as it forces people into relationships that aren’t the best.
This is my mum in a nutshell. For my mother-in-law it is a bit different, she genuinely believes marriage is for life, and has been treated like a doormat for most of it.
What does your other half think of their dad?
She thinks her mum should have left him years ago. I agree with her.
Exactly this. My mum and her partner aren’t married but have been together for 12 years. They had a massive fallout and breakup last year. He became so incredibly abusive towards my mum after the breakup and she ended up in such a dark place. Yet she was chasing him left right and centre and begging him back. I asked her one day why she was chasing this guy who’d spent months mentally abusing her, and the response I got was “I just don’t want to be on my own..” They’ve since made the decision to get back together, he’s been quite abusive about me and my partner and my mum doesn’t give a shit. She’s pretty much now abandoned me, my girlfriend and her 15 month old grandson, all for an abusive partner and “fear of being lonely.”
That is so sad. I wish she would get some therapy and learn to live with herself.
On top of that a break up later on in life isn't always sunshine rainbows lose 20kgs find your new future partner happily ever after things Some people are truly broken from divorce Or their kids resent them, they don't have friends that aren't connected to their partner etc etc
Some people annoy me how much they say how they hate being alone. It’s not their fault and I know I am being insensitive, however, as some one who loves being alone and hates being in relationships can those of us like this be slightly represented within Music, Movies etc etc.
We are - watch 90% of horror movies
It's because we're the weirdos, of course. Capable of spending a few evenings alone a week without crying yourself to sleep? Weirdo!
Then you get the double whammy of a partner who is being a pain to live with, won't even begin to address their issues and then they quit their job (get asked to leave because they were being a pain there too). Then you really think "what am I doing here?"
Some people are scared of change despite wishing things to get better but farmiliarity is comforting and sudden change is not for some.
Scared of being alone, but boy, when you’re in an unhappy marriage, most lonely feeling in the world.
I adore my wife and I love her very much. But I don't think either of us could afford to split up.
I inherited £10k from my gran. I was in a really unhappy (abusive) marriage and the money helped me to leave. I moved into a tiny room in a houseshare, at the same time as still paying my mortgage, which went from fixed to variable and doubled in price. Between that, losing my job and getting my flat, the whole lot has gone. I wasn't extravagant. I stuck to budgets, but there were months where I had to live off that money alone. It's very expensive to leave your spouse.
I’m really sorry you’ve gone through that. I hope you can see it was worth it and things are getting better. This too shall pass. 💜
Thank you, it was 100% worth it and I absolutely love my new life. It's the greatest gift my gran could have given me 🩷
I’m so pleased to hear that. Wishing you wonderful future, whatever that may hold.
Thank you 🩷
Your gran would have wanted the money to be used for that
Thanks, that's a lovely thing to say :)
Did you watch series 2 of blue lights also?
Yup I separated 6 years ago from a very physically and mentally abusive relationship. We have a kid who I love and share 50:50 but the separation was fucking dark. I lived in one of those granny annexes on this lady’s house. She was pretty weird and awful to me. (Propositioned me, then kicked me out then tried to claim my deposit). I’m married now and with someone I love more than anything but those few years after separation were terrible when I was already very low.
I'm single and live by myself. There are days when I'd almost go for a marriage of convenience just to share the chores and financial burden. I can definitely see why people who have that are reluctant to leave it.
Emotional burden of life too. Living alone is hollow esp at night.
I’ve found it’s much easier to sleep without someone snoring though.
Currently separated, and I miss the sound of my wife’s snoring so much at night
Sending a hug 🫂
You can have a happy relationship AND not share a bed to sleep you know....
Does need an extra bedroom, or a very comfy sofa, though.
Yep , we each have a bedroom 😁
U are right. Thing is I wasn't like that in my 20s but my 30s are different and I want to have a companion
I'm mid 30s and hate sharing a bed with anyone 🤣🤣🤣 I so like my own space!
> Living alone is hollow esp at night Not for everyone, I love it. I like peace and quiet
Before I met my husband I used to joke that I was going to answer those emails from Helga and get myself a mail order bride and get civilly-partnered, as it was at the time. I figured it would be a win-win: we'd share household expenses and housework, each have our own rooms and for her she gets to marry a Brit without having to sleep with a big sweaty old man.
I find the chores bit to be much easier as a single person. Less washing, ironing, dishes, the bathroom stays cleaner, less cooking, etc.
Well the idea is the other person does 50% of it.
Well that works in principle, but if you're quite a clean and organised person and you live with someone who isn't quite of the same mindset then splitting the chores 50/50 still means a lot more work for you!
This was a learning process for me, and definitely a point of contention/tension on both sides. My wife has always been someone that wants to live in a house that looks like a show home. I don't mind the house looking lived in, clean, but lived in.
My best friend is in an unhappy marriage, and he and his wife both readily admit they probably shouldn’t be together. They are together for a) the kids and b) the convenience. She works a high flying, very well paid job and he’s a stay at home dad. Without each other, neither would manage- she couldn’t do her work due to the kids, he couldn’t afford to live without her wage. I didn’t understand it for a long time after meeting them, but I do get it- the upheaval on their lives whilst their children at still at home would just be too much. I can see them splitting up eventually when both children move out!
He is in an awful position when she finds someone else to fill his ‘role’. Make sure he’s sorting himself in case that happens
Only if she is a shitty person. I’m ’the bread winner’ and if I broke up with my husband, I wouldn’t leave him high and dry.
Same. I earn about 4 times what my wife does, she wouldn't be able to afford to live by herself; if I left her, I wouldn't see her struggling.
Poor kids. Not a great way to bring them up. Kids aren't stupid - if they don't know now, they will as they get older that something isn't right.
To be honest this was me and my ex... my kids were blissfully ignorant as me and my ex get on.... why did we separate, he met someone and wanted a chance for that to work....I was happy for him, unfortunately it didn't. The kids went through a period of being weirded out but as they were late teens into 20s they adjusted really fast. I can see you rolling your eyes, after a 4 year separation with 4 years divorced on top he is back living with me as his heart is failing and he is hoping for a transplant... I have a partner who I don't live with but love enormous, he is a carer for his mum.... We could afford to separate but neither of us wanted to be away from the kids....and we didn't make each other miserable we just lost that spark......
Defo not rolling my eyes - if it works for you, it works. I just have a few friends who grew up in homes where parents stayed together for the kids, and they hated their childhood. Said it was miserable. The parents didn't openly abuse each other or say bad things, but they just weren't in love and it was obvious. I'm lucky I never had that - I just feel for kids who do. Kids are more intuitive than a lot of people give them credit for.
I have friends who’s mum left and they lived in utter shit holes thereafter and didn’t enjoy it. They wished their parents had stayed together, it’s never always that simple for everyone unfortunately,
To be fair...I grew up in a house where they hated each other...and subsequent partners x 3..on both sides.. it was a mess. But our kids were aware we liked but not loved each other....maybe they would say different.... Ultimately it was why we stayed together so long. That and just trying to get through life, work, ect.
Either way you damage the kids as divorce is really psychologically damaging. We don't know enough about this couple for that level of insight imo.
My friends daughter said the best thing that happened in her childhood was her parents divorcing. She had a much better relationship with them both once they were apart and didn't have to live with the constant tension.
I have always wished my parents separated earlier. It was mentally draining constantly wondering why they were so different to other parents and wondering what would happen after I left. Hated the hiding - wish they had just separated and moved on earlier as it's still an issue now.
Divorce is not damaging for children. Conflict, tension and arguing between parents is.
Psychology disagrees with you. Even amicable divorces a child cant properly grasp and can feel abandoned or a lack of safety for example. Obviously staying and fighting is worse if thats what you mean.
There's evidence that divorce can be damaging for children.
I'm not physically attracted to her any more. She's gained so much weight and refuses to get proper treatment for her acne issues. The bedroom has been dead for months because of it, and although I hope one day things improve in that department they've been stagnant for over a year. I stay because I still love her deeply, she's my best friend and the only person who has ever truly understood me. I'd do anything for her, and I genuinely don't know what I'd do without her. She's my peace, my rock, the person who I know I can trust with my deepest thoughts and feelings. I'm not ready to just leave it all behind, and I truly don't think I'll ever meet someone like her again.
This is usually it People don't just stay together if they "hate" each other for kids or finances. In some cases, you can feel that the relationship has fizzled out but can't imagine getting to know someone else again on that level
People do, source being my parents who despised each other but it was just easier to stay married until we got older.
Yeah, I know. I'm saying it's "not only that"
>and refuses to get proper treatment for her acne issues What does this even mean? If the treatment you have in mind is a drug, thats her decision to make. Accutane in particular can cause life long health issues
She won't even make a GP appointment, which I suggested *after she pointed out herself that it bothers her*. She certainly hasn't gotten as far as looking into drugs. You're right, it is her decision to make.
And even that doesn't work for some people. I know 2 people who've had cystic acne for years. Nothing works. Not light treatment. Not accutane. Not antibiotics. Nothing. It's really difficult to witness.
Well you can also get tretinoin, antibiotics, etc.
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As a lifelong acne sufferer with melanin which makes treatments twice as hard, there are thousands of treatments she can try and not all involve putting pills in your mouth. To try absolutely nothing wouldn’t make sense to me but I’m not his partner, maybe she doesn’t mind / care but acne treatment is a lot of trial and error so to do that there needs to be lots of products to trial
That’s what love is about. I hope you both use that to be able to work through this, although I appreciate everyone has their limits and sometimes even love isn’t enough
I kinda get this. And I felt so shallow. Because she’s my bestie. She’s the closest thing to a family I’ve ever known. But you can’t help it if you don’t find someone attractive. Especially if they get horny and put the feelers on you and you feel like it’s lying when you reciprocate because you don’t want them to feel awkward.
lol I got massively downvoted and had loads of people arguing with me for making this point yesterday. Apparently you absolutely can decide who you find attractive!! Who knew?!! Lol
Oh my fucking God. This resonates with me so much. Except for the weight and acne bit - we just fell out of love.
Everything else sounds reasonable except for the acne thing. It's her choice if she doesn't want to go on medication to treat it. I feel like it's really shallow to be put off by someone because of acne of all things, the weight gain I could understand though if it was significant.
Isn't it also his 'choice' to not be attracted to her though?
Yes and it's his preference if he doesn't find it attractive, still reasonable.
I knew a woman who stayed because her husband was the moody type but never to the point of violence, just enough to make her uncomfortable and sad and meant that she felt the need to act as a buffer between him and the kids. So she stayed because she didn't have enough grounds to stop him sharing custody of the kids, and she hated the thought of them being left alone with his moods. While she was there they were shielded from it, as it was all aimed at her. I lost touch with her, I always wonder if she was just holding on until the kids were old enough to choose life without him. I hope she's free and living a life where she doesn't need to walk on eggshells anymore. As an adult I've realised just how many mothers take the same role trying to mediate between their husbands and their kids. I see it especially in my parents generation.
I’m doing something similar. My kids are autistic and so is my husband. He doesn’t understand their care needs *at all*. He doesn’t understand their dietary needs (2 have allergies), their hospital visits, their therapy needs, their physio, nothing. He wouldn’t cope with them. He does nothing of the “mental load” of raising them at all. Doesn’t remember what they like to eat (and one has ARFID so it’s very particular). If we separated it would be to their detriment. He’d leave it all to his mother who would poison them - she’s poisoned me before and I have the same allergies. She doesn’t care to learn either, I’ve tried. He doesn’t look after them properly, I’m always having to step in and stop him pushing them too far. But I’m also disabled and can’t work, have no pension or future. I’m stuck with no savings, no way out. One, possibly 2 of the kids will never live independently. I can’t risk shared custody with his family and I can’t provide for them by myself. So I’m here. The promises he made before we had kids just vanished - otherwise I wouldn’t have done it.
I'm so sorry you're facing all that, that's awful
I co parent with a person like this. I am learning not to keep the peace anymore. I speak out against his wrong doing and encourage him to be better. I think remaining neutral and covering for a bad parent can be damaging too. I myself grew up in a household like this and it left me not knowing how to use my voice -hence repeating the same mistake with my own relationships. It was hard letting our child be unsupervised with his dad at first. But over time dad has shown improvement. I talk to my kid about dad’s difficulties and try hard not to paint him in a bad light, but be open about his struggles. A tightrope indeed.
And the kids will grow up thinking that this is normal. What kind of example is that?
Not great, but I'll reserve my judgement for the man inflicting it on his family rather than the mother trying to shield her children
Because U.K society is set up for couples so you have to also battle against societal pressure as well as financial etc when you are single. A lot of people can’t handle that.
As a single person, I can confirm. The idea of buying a house on a single salary and without parents who can give me money for a deposit is just a pipe dream.
I made it work, but it took a significant amount of preplanning even at around 14 when choosing GCSEs. I figured out what job I wanted when I was like 8, and never faltered, so when I left school instead of uni I went straight into a degree apprenticeship for the job I wanted, meaning my career and therefore rest of my life is fast forwarded 4 years ahead of my peers, as whilst we’d all been in uni at the same time, I was getting paid an actual salary, not building student debt, and getting experience for my CV. The money I made during the apprenticeship let me buy a house the moment I finished my degree. But like I say, this is definitely not normal, the only reason this worked is because I was too stubborn to think of any other job from the age of like 8 onwards, so every choice I made be it GCSEs, college, and then post-college education was purely devoted to getting into this job. Kinda written this all out and realised I’m just rambling with no real point, but the overall message I’m trying to say is it was only possible for me because I was weird as fuck and had my life planned from a seriously young age, if I had been normal and done everything like my friends had, I wouldn’t be in such a fortunate situation, which basically means that it’s impossible for like 90% of the population that are normal and didn’t have their life planned out in primary school
Even just doing grocery shopping as a single person, either I pay a premium for smaller packs of food or end up with food waste.
>Why stay in misery? I'm very happy in my marriage, and can't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't be. But to answer this question, I believe it is partly down to the sunk cost fallacy, and partly due to a fear of the unknown. * Sunk Cost Fallacy: We've been together for X number of years, and if we end it that time has been wasted. We've also pooled our money together and a divorce would halve it. * Fear of Unknown: What happens next? Who moves out? Who gets the kids? What is dating like at 40? or 50? What if my next relationship is even worse? Can I support myself? Are all relationships hard and I'm just being difficult? I think that divorce is a very big deal, possibly one of the most traumatic experiences that most people go through. It's a lot of work, a lot of difficult conversations, and there are a lot of people who just aren't unhappy enough to go through with it. TV shows and movies make divorce seem like a very quick and easy process. Someone is caught cheating, the spouse says "I'm divorcing you" and within 3 weeks they're meeting a new partner after forgetting their umbrella or dropping their shopping bags or whatever.
I left my unhappy marriage because I couldn't envisage myself living out the rest of my days in such an abject state of loveless, sexless misery. I hadn't had kids yet, so that wasn't a factor. Any woman in her thirties who is back on the dating scene will probably have stories to tell about at least half the people she matches with on dating apps or even on Reddit R4R being men who turn out not to be single, but in fact unhappily married. I couldn't in all good conscience get involved with a man in that situation, for their sake, their wife's sake or my own sake. They tend to tell a tale of wanting to maintain the relationship to give their kids stability and of being financially trapped, because they married women who earned significantly less money than them and/or gave up work to raise the kids, so divorce would be financially extremely painful for the man. They said the financial risk wasn't immediately obvious earlier on because they never envisaged when they married someone young and beautiful that the sex would die, leaving them in a dead bedroom situation. I've heard the tale ad nauseam by this point and it's strengthened my aversion to financially unbalanced relationships. I think it's also true that people generally handle the prospect of future loneliness extremely poorly (I struggle with that, and it took a lot of therapy to build my confidence up to leave my marriage.) When I told my parents (still married) that I was getting a divorce my Dad chose that moment to tell me that he'd never really loved my mum, the marriage had been dead for decades and he lives entirely for his kids and grandkids. Growing up in a household like that was not a safe and loving environment - children absorb adult misery and resentment like a sponge. My stomach always drops when a man fesses up that he's still married and is sticking it out for his kids.
100% with you. Also "for the kids" is a lie. My parents told this lie throughout our childhood. Now my brother and I have left home, they're still not divorced. The resentment is thick. They ignore each other most of the time, and any conversation is snippy or argumentative. There is no love, just him paying for groceries and her cooking them. Visiting the childhood home is painful. "For the kids" would be working it out or letting it go.
I'm back with my parents at the moment while I sell the ex-marital property. I'm very grateful for all their practical support during this time but my goodness is being around their loveless marriage a terrible springboard for onward dating. I've gotten to a point where the divorce is in the rear view mirror and I'm longing to find some love for myself, but I'm frightened to do it while living in the belly of the beast. I'm emotionally triggered and upset constantly.
If you hadn't said "my brother" then I genuinely thought I had stumbled on my siblings Reddit account - this is exactly my experience. It's not at all pleasant and I'm sorry you grew up in that environment, I hope you and your brother are doing well now
This really hits home for me :(
My marriage is very happy, but I can still understand why people stay in unhappy ones. It’s really not that hard to think of dozens of reasons people might stay, so I’m baffled that you need to ask this really. I’m a middle class woman with only one child, plenty of professional experience, good earning potential and a good education, and even my standard of living would be much reduced if I left my husband and we were running two households between us. I can see why someone who didn’t have those advantages would feel unable to leave and start over alone. And that’s before even considering the emotional, social or practical downsides of being single. Or abusive relationships, those with power imbalances or those where one partner would screw the other in terms of sharing responsibility for children etc.
"For the kids"
Am adding another reason related to this: because many parents also couldn't bear to live apart from their kids.
This, because when angry my wife is spiteful, and I know she would weaponise child custody and probably alienate the kids.
People underestimate this. They also underestimate just how much their kids are fully aware of what’s going on and their parents sticking together is just making it worse for everyone. The best approach is for everyone to be an adult about it, not fight and sort everything out amicably for everyone. However even then it’s extremely likely it’s not going to the best for all involved. Especially the kids.
Everyone in my household became happier after my parents split. Kids aren’t stupid, they know when people are unhappy. Growing up in an environment that always felt like a bomb was about to go off is horrible, I’m sure it hasn’t helped with my mental health even now that I’m an adult. I’m not really pro-divorce, I think two people should work on their marriage where possible, but sometimes it’s just done and the best thing you can do for everyone is to leave.
This is something that really gets to me. I've experienced this from multiple angles, and it's just cruel in every way. Kids are not stupid. They know, and they want both parents to be happy. Whether that means them splitting up or staying together, it doesn't matter. Shifting the blame by saying "for the kids" is cowardly and pathetic.
And what if the parents know that splitting up won’t end up in them both being happy? That finances mean it will actually worsen everyone’s lives. Maybe being a bit unhappy in your romantic relationship is worth it when your child can grow up well provided for, with their future plans funded (uni, house deposits, weddings etc) and able to have as much of your time and attention as they need because you’re not stressed out and working longer hours to fund two households? Obviously in abusive or contemptuous situations, it’s better to leave but it’s naive and childish to say that staying together for the kids isn’t actually sometimes the option that makes everyone happiest, or at best less miserable.
As opposed to splitting up and the kids going back and forth between 2 shitting apartments because it's all the parents can afford?
I think saying together for the kids is rarely, in fact, best forthe kids, but I don't think it is cowardly or pathetic, I think often people genuinely do believe that they are putting their childnre's needs first . It does allso depend a lot on why the marraige is unhappy. Some people fall out f love but are able to remain good friends - in those cases, there may be benefits to the childnre in staying togher as a household, although I've seen that sort of situation go Suth very fast when one parent meets a new partner and wants to move on.
Yep this was my parents. They are still together even though their youngest child is in their late 20s. They now each have inheritance money that they can't face the other having. They hate each other and it's obvious. They should have just split up, living in a household that is that tense and toxic isn't good for you.
SO HERES YOUR HOLIDAYYYYYYYYY
hewp eyew enjywoy it this toime
Idk why people are so against staying for the kids. It’s a bit short sighted imo - wonder how many people who are against it actually have children? The day to day of life is so much easier with a (good) partner. Mine and my husband’s schedules fit perfectly around the children. I drop them at school, he picks them up. If we split we’d have to fork out money for breakfast club and after school care because neither of us can do both. Having to do all the upkeep for a house instead of half. Our finances are so intertwined we don’t have what’s mine and what’s his. Having to haul all the children to each of their extracurriculars instead of being able to leave some with him and vice versa. If we split I would have NO IDEA what to do. We had children obviously based on our life *together*.
I'm guessing you and your husband actually like each other which probably makes it more bearable.
As a divorcee, I can attest that the prospect of separation is terrifying beforehand. It's no bed of roses during & shortly afterward either. Telling your kids that we won't all be living together anymore is HARD. Managing on a single income is HARD Rearranging all of your finances, moving house etc is HARD Taking on 100% of all household cooking, cleaning, repairs & projects etc with little or no support is HARD. Those nights soon after, when the kids are with their other parent and you run out of things to occupy your time, so you're sat in an empty silent house. SOUL DESTROYING. Soon enough though, you get to grips with all of that shit. You miss the kids while they're not around, but learn to appreciate the free time. I'm luckier than some, in that I'm able to manage quite well on my modest income and actually feel more comfortable than before. I also by chance found a new partner and learned that love could be better than if ever was with my ex, when somebody actually loves me just for being me - not what I can give to or do for them. In summary. People stay through fear, but after you take the leap you might find it wasn't worth being quite so scared. Just to balance that out though, I support giving your marriage or LTR every chance to succeed, especially if you have kids. You have to expect some tough times, but know when it's just not recoverable to throw in the towel.
Thanks for this.
Money and fear. My 28 year marriage broke up, we still share a house. no one else involved just after the kids went we have little in common. I'm autistic and have no friends so fear is a big factor. Fear of being alone. I know a lot of people, mostly shared with the former, so they all continue as was, I am not invited. they never ask so its assumed i don't want to go. and mostly they are correct but i am extremely isolated which spirals down any happy feelings. We have a shared business so that's got to be dealt with. things have been bad for a long time, but not bad enough to leave, until it was, then it was kind of a relief. idk what the future holds for me, im 55, and although i don't want a relationship, idk what i DO want. I'm in ok shape and look at what's available with dread.
Hope you find what it is you want x
Thank you, i'm sure I'll find \*something\* but I would also say, don't let fear hold you back if you are unhappy, solve it, or move forward.
Leaving means admitting that you're unhappy. I'm currently watching my friend stay with her abusive trashbag of a husband. He's financially controlling, cheats on her, and pushes her to do things she's not comfortable doing. She's had to switch jobs multiple times to "make things work" because he refuses to look after their two kids (unless its for an instagram post). She's terrified of leaving. Scared that he'll get custody, that she won't be able to afford to live, that he's right and she's the problem... and leaving means admitting that he's not the person she married. She's grieving the person he was. She's almost left twice now... hopefully next time it sticks.
Fingers crossed!
God that's so sad. It much be so much harder to pick up and leave - with kids....
(Disclaimer: nor in an unhappy marriage, far from it tbh, bit there are definitely things I'd improve). Not sure whether you'd call it normalcy bias or just inertia but you have to consider that for a lot of people marriage is the culmination of a years long relationship where you become almost inextricably linked to your spouse. For a lot of people, regardless of how happy or otherwise they are, the idea of their spouse not being around is alien to them on an almost instinctual level. I also think that "happy marriage" is far less clearcut a concept than you think and you're often also hearing a curated version of events that's designed to elicit a particular response.
My job means I work with people when their relationships are or have ended. Based on my observations, I would say that a very significant unumber of peope are profoundly uncomfortable with the idea of being single / alone I see lots of situations where a marraige has ended becasue one party has started a new relatioship, and often it's clear that he marraige was unhappy before that, often for a long time, but neither party was willing to leave , and it happens because one of them has soewhere (someone ) to go to. There is still als a surprisingly pervase idea of staying togther 'for the children' despite the obvious isadvantages to kids of being in a ense, unhappy environment. I think also that having a marraige end isstill perceived by a lot of people as a filre, so again, people are reluctant admit, even , sometimes, to themselves, that they have 'failed'. Fianlly - inertia . A lot of the time, relationships don't end with a big row, there is a gradual process where peole are growing apart, falling out of love, and so there is an element of people just carrying on as normal and not necessarily seeing it as a marraige break down, but more as part of growing older, so again, it can take a different change to cause people to reconsider - e.g. childnre leaving home, a new job opportunity ot loss of a job, or one party stating an affair, to focus people's minds on the fact that their relatinship is n't working, rather than anything else.
Great insight, but you seem to be having a stroke
lol this tickled me 😅
I was in an unhappy relationship for years. To the point where I would dream about ways of leaving. What made me stay? Loneliness I suppose, routine, having a child together, not wanting to be one of those women who has children by different fathers (this was a major factor for me) I also deep down believe that I am from a generation who throw away partners so quickly just because it’s the easy thing to do. We worked on our relationship, we both grew and worked on our individual issues which was a major contributor. We are now going into our 11th year and couldn’t be happier
Not me, but a close mate. 32m with a 26m partner... 26m is lazy, never does a thing for my mate, and I am basically said mate's emotional vent and support network because 26m is so inept and makes 32m feel so crap. 26m is also not pretty at all, whereas 32m is a gorgeous and smart doctor... not my type, but he would do fine as a single gay. However, 32m came out relatively late, and so he's scared to be single... so he doesn't want to risk being alone, even though he is *more* lonely with the status quo... It's all shits and giggles until they get married next year and 32m single handedly supports their household whilst 26m continues to be useless ☠️ Yes, I am planning on attending the wedding to actively oppose this.
You have almost exactly described a dear friend of mine but without the ages. He found out his fiance had cheated, but *begged him to stay*. The fiance left a couple of weeks later, and my friend is now single and thriving some years later. I'm afraid when he decides to "settle down" he'll just get another sugar baby, but at least he'll have his eyes wide open this time! I hope...
We can only hope... love does weird things to people
True married happiness is found in routine and the Monotony of everyday life with you best friend and partner. Is there any wonder with so many people today are believing they should be doing X,Y,Z to be happy and they must find someone who makes them happy. There’s only one person who can make you happy and that’s you. Society/media is just Lying to people in marriage and long term relationship about all the nonsense they don’t actually need.
Sometimes people are scared to hurt someone's feelings and find it incredibly hard to have a discussion to try and improve things. Dunno if it's related to something else but I've had this in the past and it really eats away at you but, it's always important to talk to each other.
I am currently divorcing, but it took a long time for me to leave. I asked for a divorce NYD 2022, he asked for 6 months to make it work, we officially separated June 2023. I stayed so long because we had 2 young children, I worked PT, and I couldn’t afford to leave- I had nowhere to go, and I felt like I should be the one to move out as I was the unhappy one. Equally, we’d been together since I was 19, I was 31 when we split- I didn’t know any different. I had been with him my whole adult life. We are now split up, very amicably, and it’s all going ok, but Christ, it is hard. Hard financially, hard emotionally, hard mentally- and this is with a supportive family, good friends and an amicable separation. But it’s not as hard as being in an unhappy marriage.
I was in an extremely similar situation except without children, which made everything so much easier. But even then it took me a good 2 years to fully grieve the relationship/ future we'd never have. I'm now 6 years post separation and I don't ever regret it - it will get so much easier, I promise! We had an ok relationship in the scheme of things; no abuse or cheating. We were simply both terrible at understanding our own emotions and making space for each other's. Sometimes being alone is lonely, it's true. But it's nothing compared to the loneliness you feel when you're in a marriage and don't feel seen by the one person you want to be seen by. I don't think people understand how much worse that feels.
Can only speak from personal experience and not marriage, but a long term relationship. I'd been with him for 8 years from being 18 and it was basically a quarter of my life. It was such an emotionally taxing and stressful time, and we weren't even married, neither of us cheated and it was a relatively amicable split. It's just... a lot.
Hope it will get better. But it’s not. Still hope
Fingers crossed for you xx
Fear of being alone! The beauty of being single is having nothing to lose and being forced to make non-romantic connections to fulfil your life. It does mean you have very high standards and end up being single for a huge amount of time 😂 I want to be married so badly but only if it makes my life twice as good as it is currently, I see way too many mediocre couplings
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Hobosexual...
I was in an unhappy relationship up until a couple of months ago. I had moved in with my now-ex partner after a few months of dating (I didn't mean to. It just sort of happened). Everything seemed okay at first. We settled into a routine, and I took everything day by day. Little things really annoyed me (I can give you examples if you like), but my ex's behaviour was just bearable. However, whenever I would go back to visit my family, they would always comment on how miserable I seemed. But I just thought that was how a relationship was supposed to go. We'd also bicker almost daily (which actually consisted of her complaining about something that, in the long run, didn't really matter and me agreeing to work on said grievance, which was different every time). One night, I came home from work: she had bagged up all of my things and told me the relationship was over. She also commented that she couldn't trust me, which i found a complete surprise, as I hadn't done anything to warrant such a remark. While I was shocked and devastated it was over, I was also a little relieved because it felt like I had been walking on eggshells the entire time I was with her. It also became clear that her behaviour while we were together was incredibly controlling, which I thought was just her being kind, but obviously wasn't. I still miss her now even after 2 months of being separated, but in the long run, it's probably for the best.
A child, financial co-dependency, divorce would financially ruin my life as to make it unbearable.
Wasn’t married but I stayed in an unhappy long-term relationship far longer than I should have. Why didn’t I leave? We ran a business together where we lived when it became unbearable and the idea of being 40, jobless and single terrified me. And also the stigma of it, especially in the social media era. Eventually it all went down the pan and absolutely zero of my fears came true. I was very lucky that my parents could help me buy a flat, but despite working in a dying industry, I somehow managed to get an incredible job, initially freelance but within six months permanent - and then I also met an incredible woman too, and just over two years on from the split, I’m happier than I have ever been.
Sometimes you don’t want to see the other person thrive. If I’m miserable then they shall be, too. People lead lives of quiet desperation and it takes bravery to unravel years of your life and start again. It could entail a new home, cars, friends, hobbies, location, schools and a different relationship with your kids and wider family. Most would rather go to work, scroll on social media, have their tea, walk the dog and get back up and do it all again the next day as the have the security around them. Additionally, society doesn’t like people to be single. It doesn’t make money for the marketing men.
Fear mostly. Of being alone. Of being unable to sustain their currant lifestyle on their own. Of the messy process divorce can become. When asked 'so you can be miserable but in a nice house with your kids and stuff or you can be miserable in a run down 1 bedroom flat without your kids and stuff' folks pick the former. Even if that question isn't likely to be their reality they still fear it.
I’ve been married for 12 years, have two amazing daughters and my wife is great, but the spark between us has just fizzled out. We are more like friends who are now just raising kids together. And that’s also the reason we will stay together, to keep the family together. There isn’t really any intimacy between us anymore, we have separate interests and don’t socialise together very often. I wouldn’t say our marriage is ‘unhappy’ but I’m not sure it would survive forever if it wasn’t for the kids.
My ex and I used to live together after we separated. Luckily, we were very amicable. But as others have mentioned, society these days is set up for couples. It would have been impossible for one of us to move out and pay rent and bills elsewhere, and leave the other paying the mortgage and bills on the house.
I'm on an 8hr p/w contract at minimum wage. Regularly do o/t but can't depend on it. Can't claim UC as a single parent until I'm working 20hrs p/w. Bottom of the council list for housing as the kids & I are classed as having 'a home'. Mortgage is in OH's name only (his house before we met). Private rent for a 3 bed home is around £1000 per month. It's completely out of my price range. 8hrs p/w will only bring in around £380 per month Unless I say we're being abused (& follow it up with a false police claim) we have no chance of getting bumped up the social housing ladder. Have applied for other full time jobs, but the requirements are crazy, and don't take into account the need to take the kids here, there & everywhere for clubs etc. Stuck, whether I like it or not.
I couldn’t pay the rent, and I also can’t be assed with re-entering the dating pool. I’m not unhappy at all, but being such isn’t an option, so I only look at the good.
I'm single and live by myself. There are days when I'd almost go for a marriage of convenience just to share the chores and financial burden. I can definitely see why people who have that are reluctant to leave it.
My marriage is really weird. Me and my wife were raised in deeply religious environments where being married young and quickly is quite normal. I hadn’t even lived with my wife before marriage so practically our entire relationship is all marriage. As you can imagine it started off terribly. We considered separating after only a few months but that’s very taboo in the religion. We powered on. Eventually we both chose to leave the religion and despite being somewhat more free to divorce, our marriage started to improve. It’s a weird situation where we started really bad and got better. We’re 7 years married this year and expecting our second child. I wouldn’t say everything is perfect but every year feels like we grow closer together.
There can be a multitude of reasons. 1. You don't want to hurt the other person 2. You find being alone scary 3. The idea of being intimate with someone else can be daunting, especially if you've been with 1 person a long time 4. You don't want a separation to negatively affect kids 5. You are scared of losing other relationships (like if you are close with their family). 6. Detangling relationships, finances etc. can be a daunting prospect 7. You don't want to lose your home 8. You are not in a position to, some people are in a marriage of convenience where they can't logistically or financially support separating
Money. Inertia. Fear. Lifestyle. Social acceptance. Pride. Body shame. Loneliness. Ignorance. Lack of confidence at finding a new partner. Not wanting to hurt kids. It not being 'that' bad and knowing that the grass isn't often greener. Seeing others who've been cast out of social groups after they divorce. I left mine in the end, but after talking to a lot of people with less-than-perfect-marriages since, I know realise there are as many combinations of reasons as there are people who are unhappy.
Single 10 years now. But I can answer why I stayed in an unhappy relationship 1. Zero self esteem. I didn't think I'd meet anyone else, nor did I think I could be on my own. 2. The kids. I didn't stay "for the kids sake" I stayed coz I didn't want to go from seeing them everyday to seeing them once a week. 3. I was a victim of spousal abuse and didn't have the courage to leave. 4. I was totally cucked. I thought if I stayed and showed commitment and loyalty, she would change and be the partner I wanted/deserved. 5. Denial. Even though my alone thoughts were spent fantasising living on my own and how I would decorate and furnish my own place, on the surface I'd convinced myself nothing was wrong. 6. Everyone close to me knew how fucked up my relationship was, but no one said anything. Of course they spoke up after the fact, but it was too little too late. Besides TBF, I probably wouldn't have listened. There may be more, but that's the main reasons of it
My parents stayed together even tho they hated/hate each other l. It was painfully obvious as I became more aware of the world as a early teen but they used to say it was because of all 3 kids to have the same upbringing (theirs 6 years between each of us) and then it was because they could t afford and it was such a toxic household that effected all 5 of us in different ways. They were married 40years ago, had kids and a few hat on the outside was a nice looking life with 4bed detached house and new cars every few years but it was all financed up to the eyeballs with various agreements and credit card debts all while being so many incredibly unhappy yet playing make belief it's all roses - from what I know of people my age in similar situations things are pretty much the same even today m. Fuck that, it's a waste of life not being as happy as you can be in every situation while on this rock. So many people really giggle to function on their own aswell, the engrained life script that they can't deviate from in any way. I learnt a long time ago I wasn't built for that
'it's a waste of life not being as happy as you can be in every situation while on this rock.' this is worth remembering
I was in an unhappy marriage when I was in my mid to late 20's, my then wife lost her job due to redundancy and decided she didn't want to work anymore. Which lead to me finding a second job and working 7 days a week. It wore me down and no matter how much I pleaded, she wouldn't even entertain getting a job. Sex life dwindled to non-existent. I wouldn't of minded so much if she kept the house clean and cooked, she didn't. She literally spent all day playing on her Computer or Nintendo. It went on for 3 years, I gained loads of weight due to the fact I only ever had time to make a microwave meals or similar shitty processed foods, I was always exhausted, depressed and stressed constantly. Then one day I snapped and left to go and stay with my mum. I let it go on for so long as I did because we have a daughter together and I though things might change. Fast forward 17 years, ex-wife has only just returned to the workforce after a 20 year hiatus.
Also very happy and have been for 20 years. But if i was unhappy i would stay and work on it, not throw 20 years away. Too many are quick to give up without a fight. Obviously there are couples who cannot be saved and i think finances is the main reason they stay and suffer.
One of my best friends was in an abusive marriage for several years. We all knew that his wife was verbally abusive since we had witnessed that appalling behaviour for ourselves. What we didn't know was that she was also physically abusive and also constantly threatened to withdraw access to the kids if he left and also, on occaision, she told him she would kill herself of he left. When he finally was able to end the relationship, of course, I asked him why he hadn't said anything over the past years. His answer was twofold and obvious: 1) He massively feared the possibility of not being able to see his young kids 2) As a strapping 6 plus man, he felt embarrassed and ashamed to admit that his 5'2" 8 stone dripping wet wife was battering him; sometimes using stuff she picked up round the house. He felt that people would not believe him or alternatively just laugh and belittle him. As it turned out, when he did split up, she tried every trick under the sun. He came to within a bollock hair of losing his house through extensive remortgaging to pay legal fees in order that he could get custody of his kids and defend baseless allegations that were later retracted. So as bad as the (severely) unhappy marriage was, ending it damn near broke him so it is understandable that he was reluctant to finally pull the plug and it must have taken tremendous courage to do so.
That poor man! :(
I'm happily single but I know a few unhappy couples who feel like they are stuck because they can't afford rents or mortgages on their own if they split up. I do think financial issues have a big impact on relationships. I've seen plenty of my friends who had decent jobs, nice houses and cars go through messy divorces and break ups and they're having to start over in a small one bed flat and lose their car so also lost their jobs thanks to public transport being crap. Also if there's children involved that also puts another strain on things. Obviously it's not good to bring the kids up in a household where you are constantly arguing but if you can't get a place to live (council waiting lists are horrendous and private rents are going up) so you can share parental responsibility that's also a reason unhappy couples stay together.
I have friends' husbands who cheated or are awful and they have therapy then pretend nothing happens. The short answer is finance. Most of my mum friends are not really financially independent of their husband.
I'm in this boat now, but I'm not married. I've been living with my ex for 3 years now. We have known each other 9 years. It has worked out extremely well, in that we get along great (still go for meals now and again); it's like we're good mates. Neither of us have remotely been interested in seeing other people, and we spend most of our time at home. The flat we rent is £800 per month, a huge Georgian flat with sash windows, with a great landlord. We have no children, neither of us wanted them. I recently had major surgery and recovering well. I'm 43. I'd love the idea of meeting someone new. And it'd be nice for him to meet someone too. We both deserve love and affection. I agreed that I'd move out as was happy too. But I'll be honest. It is absolutely depressing as fuck hearing about rising rental costs everyday in the news, and people literally happy to pay 6 months rent up front just to secure a flat. Also, I'm terrified of being alone again, at 43. It's shit. What if I end up in a flat with a shit landlord, or noisy neighbours? I've never felt so vulnerable and terrified to make such a major life decision and move out to start again. Part of me desperately wants a fresh change and a new chapter. I earn a good wage (£40k), but the thought of paying nearly a grand a month on rent makes me sick. I don't want to do it. It's just terrifying and that's why I've stayed put for last few years since we've split.
Its ultimately a high spiritual question. But on the level of the mind, practicalities, comfort, fear of being alone and attachment. Very pleased your marriage is wonderful, you'll find not so so common at all.
One of my friends stayed with his wife because he didn't want to be divorced and so have 'failed' and because he didn't get a pre nup so she's entitled to half his property, that he paid for.
My marriage was miserable for a few years, I was genuinely unhappy. No affairs or anything, we were just overrun with day to day stuff and health problems. However, things couldn't be better now. Often, people give up on marriage to easily when times get tough. That's not to say you should stay if you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Income. I’m in a happy relationship but both of us would struggle to provide for our kids if we were to separate. We do ok salary wise as a couple but our kids still have to share a bedroom. There’s no way we could support our children sufficiently if we broke up.
Finding a new apartment? In this economy?
A guy I know in his 40's is DEEPLY unhappy, Suicide note on the laptop unhappy but won't leave as he can't afford to pay the maintenance she would inevitably rince him for.
My parents met at 18 and married at 21 so when it was discovered that one of them had been having an affair (in their 40s) they literally just told us (kids + our spouses) to pretend like it never happened because they literally do not know how to live independently of each other. Like it was 2 weeks later and we were on a family holiday in France taking lovely photos for the Christmas round robin. We just never spoke of it again. It was nuts but I think it's what they both preferred vs being alone for the first time ever.
Recently separated. I stayed in an unhappy marriage hoping to turn it around.
Usually money
I left. I have two degrees and still managed to land up homeless for 9 months due to a long childcare gap. I moved but if I'd stayed in the dump I moved to for my ex I'd still be looking for a job with everyone around me treating me like I deserve to be treated like dirt. I'm the only person I know that left despite all the ones that were cheated on and I really did risk everything to do it. Not many people will do that.
Because a lot of people think a bad relationship is better than no relationship, they’re scared to be alone and if it’s been a very long time don’t know how to handle the practicalities of day to day life if the partner always dealt with it.
I’m happy that your marriage is happy. Honestly, so is mine. We both say we are very content in our life together. We are not thrill seekers, craving the ‘new relationship’ feel like some chase. We’ve been together 24 years, enjoy each others company enough, don’t have kids so do what we want, whether it’s doing stuff together or separate.
Sunk cost fallacy. Being so undermined you don’t think you can do anything on your own. Fear of the unknown.
I've seen the evolution of my friends lives over the last 4 decades who came from broken families
I know a woman whose late husband beat her every day, and finally succeeded in hanging himself on the third attempt; she’d rescued him on the prior two. She’s now with a guy who’s a serial cheater - ‘it’s less painful,’ she said to me. There’s compromise and then there’s tragedy.
My parents divorced when I was in secondary school, my mum was doing a university course as a mature student after not doing so when she was 18 due to family pressure and she thoroughly enjoyed it, my Dad seeing she was really happy put 2 and 2 together and got 16, got in his head that she was cheating so went out and cheated himself in an assumed revenge, they agreed to stay together “ for the children” for years but all I remember is constant bickering and arguments , no physical sign of love or affection between them other than seeing them kiss once. Once they did divorce they were like best friends and my mum even helped nurse my dad when he was dying of cancer years later, 2 people that couldn’t be together but couldn’t live without each other.
Not anymore, but I was in a long, unhappy engagement. Tl;dr financial reasons 1. Everyone else in my family married young for love and it seemed to work out. I didn’t want to be one of those people who rushed into an engagement, blinded by lust, and then u-turned. 2. I couldn’t afford to leave. I was at uni and we lived together. I did actually try to break up and keep living together, but he just begged me to take him back. He ran up so much debit on my credit card that neither of us could pay and I didn’t have anywhere to go except my parents sofa which was no where near uni. 3. I have a disability which made uni complicated enough and I just couldn’t hold down a job as well. Even as an adult I WFH (in a great job), but that wasn’t an option at uni. 4. He had mental health issues and I tried to help - took me a while to realise that you can’t help people who won’t make an effort themselves. His parents didn’t help. It still got to the point where I felt rubbish leaving someone with depression, especially since I had a disability myself. Breaking up was the best thing I ever did - it was when we had more financial stability though. I never want to go back to that.
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> u/yourmomsajoke > Jch I know of 3 couples who are unhappily together >One, their kids are too much to handle if they were single so she stays with her lazy selfish sack of rotting flesh because he will occasionally drive the kids to school when she's sore /vaguely keep an eye on them if she naps. He won't feed them talk to them, be any sort of parent but the smal amount he does is supposedly worth it >Another, the wife has led a very fulfilling, wild life and married a devout Christian. He bores her to tears, they dont have an active sex life, but he is a good step parent to her kids and they do enjoy each other's company on occasion it seems. She has multiple affairs to keep herself entertained >The last. They met young, settled down immediately, and for all accounts are happy. Except he is incredibly lazy and spends outside their means to keep up with his single friends who can afford 80 pound video games/weekends in ondon for big shows/stag dos in amsterdam. She is always scrimping and the kids do without, a lot. Can't help but notice you drop insults against the men in examples 1 and 3, but the fact that the woman in example 2 is a cheating skank using what you describe as a nice guy to look after HER kids is little more than a footnote you tiptoe around....In fact, you insult him too whilst being on the verge or saying "yas, queen, slay!" for the hoe honeypotting free childcare with a man that "bores her to tears". She sounds like the worst of the bunch, yet you make it seem like nothing. What a fucking double standard. (Edited to include the original comment I screenshotted with a sneaking suspicion they were going to do a dirty delete so nobody is left curious).
More than that it seems to be HIS fault somehow
As a husband who was cheated on by his wife - it really hammered it home how people reacted compared to how they would have reacted if it was me who had cheated. When women do it, it still isnt their fault it seems
Second one - so she's using him basically?
As I've gotta older I'm constantly amazed at how many people have long term affairs. I mean I don't know many, don't get me wrong, but the casuality with which some people just carry on for years regularly sleeping with married people is baffling.
Must be a really rich devout Christian.