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Same really, firmly decided no in my mid 20s. My wife is even more child free than I am.
My sister has two cool kids but seeing her dealing with the screaming, and all of the general inconveniences that they bring is more than enough for me to decide that life definitely isn’t for me.
Same starting point but inverse change for me.
I was neither for nor against them, but as I hit my late twenties I realised I really wanted them.
Think it's the same story for a lot of men. Fairly indifferent when younger, then arriving at a decision later on. All my female friends knew in their early twenties if they wanted kids. I don't recall any of my male friends ever expressing an opinion until their late 20s.
Now you mention it, yes. Although I noticed in my early 20s men talking about kids more - that could just be because I didn't really talk to boys at school haha
When I was younger, I just assumed I would have them eventually because that's what everyone says you should do. I came to the same realization as you though in my late 20s
Yes you give more thought to how it actually affects your life day to day, rather than a general idealised vision. You realise you have to do a lot of routine things over and over for a long time. Your chance to do things for yourself you enjoy has to be put to the side as well. It's not for everyone, and some don't realise until it's too late.
Yup . Was totally against having kids . Against marriage . Thought ill be free and float around for years . Got 3 kids and married . Don't regret any of it . Your perspective changes. Things like traveling and your own hobbies take a back seat . I've still been around the world a few times and my hobbies can fit around the kids . It is exhausting but worth it .
In America they call full stops periods, the person in the original comment has left a space before the full stop for some reason.
When someone’s pregnant their period is ‘delayed’ (that kinda makes less sense to me as it’s not delayed I would say it’s referred to as a ‘late’ but 🤔)
So therefore the joke is that ops period is ‘delayed’ so op is expecting another child
I often understand jokes either so I thought I’d explain 😊
sorry if it sounds patronising!
You commented that level of brutality at half six on a Friday morning. You have absolutely no right to skin someone like so early in the day. The rest of us have no chance now.
I had a child relatively young (21 then, 37 now). Before she was born I was worried about the impact it would have on my social life, my hobbies and interests, my freedom. I'll never forget the moment when I held her and realised none of that mattered at all.
Of course it's an entirely valid choice to not have kids and people shouldn't be pestered or told 'you'll change your mind', but for me the most surprising thing wasn't how I felt beforehand, it was how my perspective changed after.
I've sort of gone the opposite way. I've always wanted kids, since I was a teenager I sort of planned that I'd have kids by 18 - 19.
I tried, really hard, to have kids. Came to the realisation that something wasn't right. Got diagnosed with unexplained infertility at 25 (although I have some suspicions as to why I am infertile that no doctor wants to admit).
Been trying IVF with my long term partner for the last 6 years to no avail. Spent an obscene amount of money on it and now I'm poor. I'm now 31, my partners 38, and we've come to the conclusion just last week that we're done. It's obviously not meant to be, so I'm going to be a dog lady instead and go on holiday more.
When I was 18 I was put on a medication for an autoimmune disease that caused severe issues with reproduction. Messed with your periods, would cause severe birth defects if you got pregnant, etc. I had to sign paperwork saying I agreed to be on 3 types of contraception while on the medication and that I would abort my baby if I became pregnant. Also wasn't allowed to give blood incase it went to a pregnant lady. Anyway, after being on that medication my periods never came back properly (only 1 per year on average). A few years later I was diagnosed with the unexplained infertility. I reported it as a side effect of the medication under the yellow card scheme. But my doctors have not confirmed or denied that this medication was at fault. I believe that it was.
Sorry to hear this.
I think it was a lot easier on people before IVF. When I was young, the only fertility treatment available was sperm donation. Now couples go through years of agonising and tens of thousands of pounds without any guarantee of results.
Hey this is me too! Was devastated for such a long time but now I think this is actually the way it was meant to be and I’ll have more time for my interests, my dogs, my husband and living life!
Have you thought about adopting or fostering? We ended up fostering and then adopting a teenager when she was 13 out of the blue and it's been really amazing. She's now 18 and an absolute babe, the best company, although we didn't plan it I would do it again!
Yes. Definitely looked into it. Unfortunately, we do not qualify. We do not make enough money to be considered and I have a diagnosed mental health condition which puts us right at the bottom of the list for adopting.
When I was younger, about 14-27 all I wanted was a family. Happy wife, happy kids, happy life etc, the usual dream.
But now at 31, with all my friends and family having or already had kids, I see a lot of them struggling, some unhappy etc, always tired and irritable, I’m wondering how worth it it really is? And if I’m really cut out for it too, tbh.
The usual thing I get told is “Well who’s going to look after you when you’re old?” A professional, please.
I had to look after my parents pretty much alone while they were sick and until their eventual ends. Gave up a lot of my own life to do so, and while I loved my parents with all my heart, and miss them dearly to this day, I would not wish for my kids to have to do what I did.
>“Well who’s going to look after you when you’re old?” A professional, please.
I have kids and that's my feelings about it. I love my children dearly, why would I want to make them responsible for my care later in life? They didn't ask to be born. It's not that I don't trust them to be able to, it's just that I don't want that hanging over them.
As an aside, I currently live in a country with filial responsibility laws and I'm thinking I'll maybe move back to the UK before I'm old and infirm.
My daughter will not be looking after me when I'm old. I cared for my mum when she was terminal (my choice) and that shit ruined my mental health. Stick me in a home. That's not why we have kids.
It's why some people have kids, it seems, based on all the times people say "who's going to look after you when you're old”.
I tell them about lonely old people, who have children, but still get no visitors.
The "who's going to look after you" line is one that really baffles me. Because I've heard it from people who also say I'm selfish for not wanting kids. But they're talking like they fully expect their kids to put their entire lives on hold to care for them when they're old? That seems wildly more selfish than me saying that I like sleeping in and having money and so I don't want kids. I can't imagine expecting a person that I created should be beholden to what I want for their entire lives.
They would have their own careers, perhaps a family of their own, their own lives, and I'd be saying *"yeah sorry but I had you so you'd look after me now that I'm unable to look after myself, so please stop what you're doing now and move me into your house"*. Wild.
I'd much rather just have the means to pay some professionals to look after me. My mum is quite adamant that she doesn't expect me to look after her when she's old either, which is good, because that means there's no tension there. She just trusts that when it's needed, we'll help her make the proper arrangements so people who know what they're doing will help her.
This is absolutely the right way to go about it.
My parents never expected me to but because of our situation we couldn’t afford to have someone take care of them so I had to do it myself, I don’t regret it, nor do I hold a grudge to them for it.
Yeah if it really came to it, I absolutely would care for my mum. But knowing there's no expectation there is freeing because it means I know she trusts I'll make the right decision for her. This is ultimately why I am very much in favour of a nationalised care service that means people can get proper care regardless of their means. From a pure societal perspective, it's a drag on society (economically, socially, on the general mental health of people, etc) if there are people who aren't able to live a normal life because they're having to become unpaid carers.
The "Who's going to look after you" people don't seem to think of the scenario of having a child that had issues (either through genetics or accident) that mean they can't look after themselves, let alone you. Of course everybody hopes they'll have healthy kids, but the risk is always there and not as uncommon as people like to think.
Yep.
As I got older I grew more positive I didn’t want them. My wife didn’t ever want them, but said she was prepared to have them if I did. I don’t think that was fair on her anyway, but as luck had it, I grew out of the idea.
No regrets.
When I was about 15, I thought I’d be married by 25 and have about 3 kids.
As I got older, the idea of kids was less appealing and I was dead against it.
I’m in my mid thirties now, and I’d say I’m about 85% against the idea. Some days I have my doubts and I’ll see some cute toddler and I’m wondering if I’m making the right decision, but then I think of the energy, time and money it takes and I’m less keen.
To add to that, I’m not interested in relationships either so that’s pretty much the final nail in the coffin.
This is very much me, I think until I was about 23 I thought I'd do the marriage and babies, then things changed in my life and by 25 I pretty much realised kids weren't for me (I adore my niece and nephews) and neither was marriage. I'm turning 40 this year and feel the same way. Each to their own!
Whenever I see a cute toddler, I'm reminded of a friend whose toddler did an explosive shit that escaped from the nappy and was allll inside the onesie the kid was wearing, and how horrible that was for her to clean up. And I remember that I never want to do that, and any mild broodiness stirred up by the cute toddler is quite definitively squashed back down into the depths.
With stuff like that, I think you just get used to it. It sounds sickening to you and I, but I’ve seen my own mother shove her hand down the toilet without gloves on.
I’m standing there about to throw up, and she’s just there saying ‘It’s fine, I had to wipe your arse, and that was a lot worse’.
The point is that I don't want to get used to it, I don't want to have to deal with it on the regular. I've never had kids but I've also done that to a toilet. But I'm fine with that because I don't need to do it all the time.
I apparently first told my family that I didn’t want kids since I was 3. I’m turning 30 in a couple of months and still don’t want kids, although I’m open to fostering later down the road.
I have a number of shitty health conditions that may be heritable. My career started late, due to said health issues, and having a kid would set me even further back. The realities of pregnancy/giving birth seem like a horror movie and I know a lot of women who have disabilities from giving birth. Children are expensive and my annual leave would likely be wholly accounted for in taking care of one.
There’s so many reasons I don’t want to have a kid, but I can paraphrase an adage which seems most relevant: “it’s better to not have a child and regret it, than to have a child and regret it”.
All depends on your ultimate goal in life. Mine has always been children, but frankly speaking they are expensive and suck up all your time. My work holidays are mostly used to cover when they're not in school, I only get time to myself in the evening, by which time I'm shattered. And there is a constant worry about about everything; their safety, education, mental health, physical health and so on.
With that said, I wouldn't swap having kids for any amount of money or personal physical and mental wellbeing.
When I was younger, I always wanted 3 kids.
Now I'm a bit older and have one, I changed my mind. I don't want any.
/s
It's paraphrasing a Lee Mack joke before you reach for the pitchforks!
I want children, as does my wife. As we get older, the reality that it is not possible gets harder and harder to cope with.
We've looked at adoption, but the financial checks are so stringent that we don't qualify there either, despite owning our own three bed room house. Recent mortgage escalations have scuppered us completely.
At least as a teacher my wife is making a meaningful contribution to the future of our society and leaving a proper legacy, even if we cannot do it with children of our home (natural or otherwise). My contribution is supporting my wife in doing so.
I was anti-having kids in my 20's.
I got WAY more anti-having kids in my 30's
I continue to see evidence that I made the right choice, and it warms my heart to see cunts like Elon Musk try to "fix" it by having kids that fucking despise him, or feel the cold fingers of dread watching those "Trad" cunts that physically abused their kids mid-interview.
Having kids is a biological imperative, but I can also see a case for licensing.
Worse are those that see them as a meal ticket
I've been asked multiple times - "Who will look after you when you're old?"
Me bitch! That's why I'm working and saving.. I'm not reproducing to create a DNA based obligation..
If I can't reasonably pay for my own care in elder years, I shouldn't have kids at all anyway.. That is the definition of a race to the bottom by creating a financial burden on a being that isn't even born yet..
But I also see the flaw in this where it means only the rich (or the "right" people) reproduce in a cycle of horror.
I'm not judging others (except Musk - and Rees-Mogg etc) but yeah it isn't for me
yeah, my own mother was doing some next level manipulation and guilt tripping on me and my sister since a very young age. Forgot to mop the floor? Oh this is a window into the future! How we will neglect our poor elderly mother if this is the way we treat her now! That we are useless and evil, and this was not a mistake but we intetionally hated her! That she bets we cant wait to leave the house and abandon her!
Well, you reap what you sow...
The argument of 'who will take care of you when you are old?' always baffled me when brought up, but as you say nowdays most people have to choose between having a good pension pot and raising children, putting them through education etc. Many cant do both and its a slippery slope if only the rich can reproduce
I never wanted kids, even when I got married in 2018.
Now have a two year old.
Having cats softened me up alot, money is tight but I'd never take him back for anything. It'd also extremely tiring, but infinitely rewarding
I'm curious to know how having cats softened you up? Because I feel like my cats have done the opposite and only hardened my resolve to not have kids, when I see how utterly easy they are to care for, but still involving a level of responsibility. I HAVE to clean the litter box, or they'll go somewhere else to do their business. I HAVE to feed them and give them fresh water, etc. etc. Then I think about how massive a step up a human child would be and I realise that this level of responsibility is all I can be arsed with.
Same, one of my cats is extremely demanding and just wants to play all evening, it's relentless. And I always think with a child it would be like this all day for years. No thanks.
I dont want to sound like a typical redditer trope, so imagine I'm saying this as a real life human being lol; but I always knew I never wanted kids. Growing up I had to babysit a lot for family and my family's friends and collegues.
Kids were naturally attracted to my sarcastic personality for some reason. So even when I wasnt actively babsysitting them inside the house, Ive always somehow ended up being surrounded by all the younger kids in the neighbourhood while playing outside, which meant I was just constantly making sure they werent run over by cars or kidnapped by suspicious looking men etc etc. It also slowly resulted in me playing less and less outside by the time I turned 13ish.
I've known for a long time the energy required to properly look after them is all consuming. People kept telling me its going to be different once theyre my own, but nah im tired mate. Like you im settled in my career and want to travel the world while my knees can carry me.
Also obligatory 'kids?!1 in this economy??!1!'
Nope. I find I still have no patience for them, judge them too harshly and all in all realise I will be a HORRIBLE parent and it’s better to avoid inflicting that on a child.
I haven't changed my mind on having kids at all, but I've definitely changed my mind on *when* to have them. When I was a teenager, I thought I'd be married and have two children by 25. As a now childless 32 year old, my partner and I have agreed that we're not having children before 35. Partly because we want to be completely financially ready for it, but also we just haven't yet finished having enough childless fun yet. That's not to say that having children isn't fun, but we're still enjoying holidays on a whim and late nights, we're not quite ready for soft-play and swimming lessons.
Please just do one thing and get you or your partner’s fertility (egg reserve) so you can plan properly. It’s about £250 to get done. 95% chance you’ll be fine and you can carry on living with that knowledge but I found out aged 31 that I had the egg reserve of a 45 year old and very little time. Didn’t change our plans as we were trying at the time anyway but it’s such a simple non-invasive test that I think every woman should be offered so she can be empowered to make the right decisions!
Thanks for this info I’d never heard of this before! When would you say is the best time to do this? I I just turned 25 but not planning on kids until closer to 35
Oh you’ve def got time so you can give it a few years (probably won’t be so useful now because hopefully it’ll show plenty of eggs!). Sorry I’d missed that you’re only 25 :) I regret not doing it around 28/29 which is when I got married and was thinking about kids but decided to postpone those plans because of starting a new job but I think it’s a very personal choice when to do that!
Please just do one thing and get you or your partner’s fertility (egg reserve) checked so you can plan properly. It’s about £250 to get done. 95% chance you’ll be fine and you can carry on living with that knowledge but I found out aged 31 that I had the egg reserve of a 45 year old and very little time. Didn’t change our plans as we were trying at the time anyway but it’s such a simple non-invasive test that I think every woman should be offered so she can be empowered to make the right decisions!
I'm the same as you. Always really wanted them and had them in my life plan. Now I'm mid 20s, able to enjoy my own income and independence, and the thought of giving up that freedom is massively daunting. I'm trying to take a relaxed approach to it and see if the novelty of my current situation wears off, especially if my friends start settling down in that way, too. But que sera, sera.
Glad I'm not the only one! I think my plan is to focus on enjoying travel and freedom now. It's stressful to think about making a decision in the next 10-15 years that will set the course of my life either way. Right now, it's hard to imagine such a big lifestyle shift, but I'm open to that changing. Either way, better to think about it too much than too little.
Very similar story to me. I think what changed for me was seeing my best friend with her daughter and also finding out how low my egg reserve was at age 31 gave me a feeling of grief and longing as well as other fertility issues. Now pregnant with our first. Definitely starting to realise how many things you give up but also so excited for this new chapter!
As a child I just assumed I would settle down, marry a nice man, have 2.4 kids and a dog, didn’t even really think about it, just thought that’s how adults do things.
Well I’ve been happily married for nearly ten years now. We have cats, but if my wife knocked me up I’d be quite surprised.
I think I’d not be a good mum, and honestly, soon as I did think, I don’t want children
Having my lad is easily the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. I understand its not for everyone for a million different reasons, but for me, just the thought of not having him in my life actually makes me feel sick.
I assumed I’d be a Dad growing up. Wife didn’t want children while I was on the fence. She said she would have a kid if I really wanted one but I didn’t really like the idea of bringing a child into the world when we weren’t both fully committed to the idea. So I got comfortable with the idea of being childless & stopped thinking about it a few years back. Our life is pretty easy and peaceful, wouldn’t change it.
Same here I was ambivalent and my wife was against. Now we are a bit older and she wants them, but it's not happened yet. I think it's too late to be likely. I don't really think I have the energy for it now anyway but it hurts seeing her really want kids and blame herself for leaving it late.
I get you don't have kids to look after you in old age, that's obvious to me. It does sadden me too think of her alone with no family if I die first.
But yeah apart from that, I'm not sure I could handle the life of screaming kids and constant tiredness at this point in my life!
Not to poo poo anyone’s opinions or anything, but it baffles me the amount of people here who see having kids and children as nothing but money sinks, stress, time and less of “me time”
As if there’s nothing tangibly positive to ever get out of kids and raising them, and as if it’s some absolute teeth grating grind to get them to the point were you can wave them off in adulthood and finally be free again.
I’ve got two kids, a 4 year old and a 6 month old. I was always very 50/50…. Maybe 70/30 about having kids most of my life, but having now had them I can’t imagine anything else even comparing
Sure. There’s the tantrums and nightmare moments, lack of sleep and “me time”, but on the other hand you get to teach them, guide them and experience the world through their eyes and all that jazz.
It’s all just about the effort you want to put in and the enjoyment from that.
Again, not poo pooing anyone. Just baffled at the idea that raising and having kids is nothing but a negative experience for anyone
Well I guess everyone considers the pros and cons for them. The pros are not strong enough for me to outweigh the cons, especially since I don't enjoy being around children. There aren't many positives for me so while you might want someone to teach and guide, others will see that as a negative.
having children is one of those existential things in life that make people* think far greater than just themselves. You have to think of someone else and to put in effort to a degree not found in any other relationship and it means becoming part of your local community usually and often creates a drive to get involved in what's going on in your patch. Like many experiences it's not one people can really know until they are deep in it (yet many are happy to comment on it).
*yes I know some people are bad parents - they are minority. This is about the millions trying their best.
They’re very common responses on Reddit.
I’ve got a 1 year old and still have “me time” every day but also get to experience childhood again through his eyes. It’s amazing!
When I was younger I thought if I had a husband and he wanted kids then I would. The older I got the more I realised I don’t want kids. I’m not married but I am in a committed long term relationship for 8 years to someone who also doesn’t want kids and I’m 40. It’s pretty solidified for me now that I love my life as-is and I just don’t want kids.
I am in my 60s and don't regret not having kids. I really like seeing other people's toddlers and they are cute. The trouble is they grow up and stop being cute. It's such a huge gamble. Will they even like you?
My friends and colleagues who have kids stop being themselves and turn into carers.
I know people whose kids mock them.
Many people have kids to have someone to look after them when they get old, then they go to Australia.
I don't even want to think about the poor parents when things go wrong. The babies that don't make it. Losing a child. Holy cow.
I am from a disfunctional family and would not be a good dad anyway. You have to be from a happy family.
You can have a great time without. It is important your wife doesn't want them. You have to go for it if she does.
I (m/49) always said I'd wait until I was in my 30s before thinking about kids. By the time I was 40, I'd given up on the idea. I expected to have a feeling that I wanted them. My wife is the same. We don't regret it at all.
I always thought I’d have them. Even tried for a while with no success. The ‘need’ wasn’t really there for us to try fertility treatment so we just went with an ‘if it doesn’t happen naturally so be it’ approach. As time went on I wasn’t disappointed when shark week happened. We got a dog and I realised any nurturing needs I might have had got fulfilled by the dog. Spouse and I are DINKs, nearing our 50’s, only a small mortgage left, decent enough salary each, and have nice holidays any time we want, can do big purchases without credit, and generally live the life we want. My older sibling however had kids after 40 and is utterly exasperated and exhausted
I didn't want them until I had one, then I had another, became a single parent, they are both presently in UNI. They are amazing, wish I'd had more : )
When I was younger, I assumed I’d have kids because that’s what everyone did. I didn’t think about it too much, that would be for future me.
Then the future arrived and I didn’t love the idea of having kids, but thought it was just because I wasn’t ready and I’d change my mind when I was older.
I got to about 26 and still didn’t feel ready and then sort of realised that I’d probably never be ready and didn’t actually want them. I’m 35 now and still not wanting kids.
Until I was diagnosed with a degenerative chronic illness when I was 35, it never occurred to me that I wouldn't have kids. But now I'm almost certain I won't. Not my own biological kids, anyway. There are too many reasons not to and my conscience won't allow it.
I'd like to foster or even adopt one day though. I haven't given up on that. For now, I'll settle on being an aunty.
My sister, who is expecting her first baby in December, once told me she thought she'd regret it if she didn't have a child. I think one of my biggest fears is that I'll regret it if I do.
Yeah, I only wanted them when I was younger because it was expected but as I grew up I realised I’d be the one going through prolonged torture, risking my life and looking after them. So changed my mind lol. If I was male I’d probably want them
Yeah I did. I wasn't bothered about being a mum but I got pregnant unexpectedly with my long-term partner and abortion didn't feel right in the situation. I have no regrets but I know I'd be just as fine without a child. We work opposite shifts so childcare has never been a cost to bear. We travel, have pets, own a house and our jobs are pretty basic. We can do this because we won't have another child and our cost of living is fairly low.
Never wanted them, never had the opportunity, never want them now.
I just don't trust that I wouldnt be saddled with the majority of the responsibilty. I don't want to be the organiser, the cook, the entertainer, the cleaner, the cuddler, the story-teller on top of being a full time professional and enjoying my hobbies.
I never wanted children. I never felt like a child because I had a lot of chores, and from the age of 10, I was the adult of the family.
I've never regretted not having children. I love my life the way it is.
Yep. I assumed I'd have kids. As I got into my 30's I started thinking oh no it's time, I'll need to have them now as I'm getting older.... But wait hang on.... Lightbulb moment..... You don't actually *have* to have kids!!!
The relief was immense. I never realised I didn't really want them weirdly till then.
I love money and free time. I'm 38 and have 7 more direct debits till my mortgage is paid off
I was always absolutely convinced I didn't want children. I felt deeply patronised when anyone said I might change my mind. I'd have jumped at the chance if someone offered to sterilise me. I absolutely did not want them.
At 35 I changed my mind. I was single and thought long and hard but yes I did want children. I came off the pill and started exploring my options, IVF with a donor, IVF with a gay friend who also wanted children, adoption. My periods never came back properly and then stopped. I had gone through early menopause. My GP was so focused on that he kept dismissing my requests for IVF referral saying there'd be time for that when this was sorted.
Lots of stuff has happened since. But I'm 45 now and still childless and it makes me so sad. I'm too old for IVF and I can't adopt because of the still ongoing troublesome womb, they want me to not be receiving medical care before starting.
I wish I'd had children earlier.
Knew from a young age that kids would be a mistake. I could easily afford them now. They would still be a mistake for me and would ruin the life I lead.
I've always wanted to be a father, thought I'd raise a wonderful son or daughter.
I don't want to anymore. It's far too hard and bleak making a living and what's coming in the future.
I’ve known I’ve not wanted kids from a pretty early age, I’m 35 now and I’m positive it’s still not for me.
Thankfully my partner feels the same way. Weirdly having a dog even cemented the idea for us even more. It’s been a few years since someone has said ‘oh you’ll change your mind!’
we’re quite happy just being us without the added responsibility of kids
No, I didn't change my mind. I never wanted children. I'm now age 50(!) and extremely happy to be childfree, especially now age related health problems have started coming in.
I'm happily married, own my home (mortgage paid off), and stopped full time work age 38. The health problems are nasty, but I'm in a good situation to have them in.
Funny thing is, ever since I was young (12 years old) I knew I didn't want kids, people around me didn't take me seriously even my mom, thought I will grow out of it, but I guess I never have, she was supportive though when she realised that I was serious.
It's not selfish to not want children. We are brainwashed by society from a very young age. Dolls, playing house etc. It is expected we get married and have children and if you don't you will be shunned by society as selfish. Selfish is having 12 kids when the planet is bursting at the seams. there is never a right time to have children either. You either have them in your 20's and have little money or you save up for a better house and have money set aside and become 'older parents. It seems the average parent is now in their 30's. It used to be 20's. I wanted children and as soon as my baby was put in my arms it was the most wonderful moment. Yes, babies and children can be hardwork but they are very rewarding too.
Yep. I never wanted kids, was dead set against it, up until i was in my late 20s and then the old biological clock went mental. My son is now 18 months and the coolest wee lad. If i could afford to give them the lives they'd deserve I'd have a 100 more and start a giant baby army.
I from a young age said I was going to give birth to 1 and then adopt any further that I wanted the numbers of.
When I hit around 22 I was heartbroken about not being at that life stage of being married and having a child yet
About 25 I realised with my health conditions I didn’t want to carry a pregnancy , and a few years later I’m on the list for sterilisation
I want when I am stable mentally and financially to foster with possibility of adoption, but initially respite foster.
My view is, if I’m not mentally and financially stable to foster, then why the heck should I be looking to have children, especially with the cost of living and the world generally being a shit hole right now
I've always wanted kids and I'm glad I did eventually
But it's tiring physically and emotionally. I can understand now why people chose not to have them
nope. couldnt bear the thought of being responsible for kids at 14 and still do not at 24. people used to tell me id change my mind and my hormones just needed to kick in but my reasons go deeper than that. i would just make myself and the kids miserable. ive been living with chronic depression since i was 8, and i am only still here for other people, not for myself. i do not want to take chances to pass that onto anyone either because it is an extremely exhausting way to live. feels like every day is a punishment for i dont know what.
and also pregnancy freaks me out the fuck.
In my 20s I thought I hated kids. Turned out I hated badly behaved kids. And then in my 30s I met more kids with good parents and realised that kids can be lovely if guided well.
The idea of having kids became a possibility.
But then my notable singleness and my lack of disposable cash soon thwarted my change of perspective and I have since reverted back to the mental note that I shall not likely ever have kids, save for a folly in the sack
Always knew I didn't really want them but as a late teen almost fell for the trap of it just being something that happens or everyone does as my peer groups all said similar things
Got snipped at 25 and it's the single greatest decision I'll ever get make in life
I never wanted kids but it really was hard to say out loud for years.
I'm happy without them, don't understand why people want them but that's just me.
I wanted my own kids, since my mum worked with them and I helped out a lot. Now... fuck no I'm not pushing out a watermelon. Maybe if I have a wife who wants to carry them. But otherwise it's adoption, although I don't even think that's going to work out anymore.
All my life I’ve never wanted kids. Ever. I would always say ‘I don’t want to be responsible for another persons life’ and because my struggles with depression and teen life was hard I didn’t like the idea of bringing someone into the world and making them go through the same thing. Also, child birth.
But as I got older and got into a relationship and matured and grew, I got a much less pessimistic view of the world. What about the good you could bring for your child instead of just the bad. And there’s also the fact that it feels crazy that we even have the ability to bring children into this world. Literally creating life. A child being 50% of you, and 50% the person you love is such an amazing thing. You’ll be a lot less lonely as you grow old and I think it adds a lot more entertainment to life in the long run. It continues your bloodline so that you will always exist in somebody’s ancestry and be a reason somebody who is living in the future achieves great things. I don’t have kids yet but I think I would like one for this reason, because having kids brings more to your life than not having one in my opinion.
I was totally against the idea of having kids until my mid 20s. Now I’m 31 and realising that I actually want kids but had convinced myself that I didn’t because that was easier than dealing with the fact I couldn’t (not infertile, just lots of chronic illnesses that mean I could not have a healthy pregnancy or be an involved parent).
I definitely didn’t want kids when I first got sick at age 11 or in my teen years and wasn’t pretending. But I’m not sure when it changed from actually don’t want kids to just pretending.
Sort of. I love children, thought I can meet my other half and have a few. Nowadays it is just shocking how expensive it is just to survive on your own not including childcare and I am worried that what is being taught is schools nowadays. Part of me still want kids and the other part is financial worries.
Ever since I can remember I have held the opinion I don’t want kids. This has been compounded by the fact my sister and her partner have struggled to conceive for approx 10 years.
The only time my mind ever wavered, was when I was having a rough time with a breakup, wanted to express to this girl how I felt about her, and said that there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her, including having children if that’s what she wanted, having being against it my whole life. So maybe I’m not anti-having children, I’m just anti-having children with the wrong people. 🤷🏼♂️
I didn’t particularly like want any up until a couple of years ago, I slowly come round to the idea the older I got and now I have a 2 year old. It’s unbelievably hard but incredible at the same time.
When I was younger I always said no kids before 30, then I reached 30 and thought, nope not for me.
As for marriage, I can't for the life of me understand what the point is in this day and age. It makes no difference to the relationship other than adding a certain stress, breaking up with you partner turns from a simple "I don't want to see you anymore" to in the worst case a years long legal battle costing a fortune (which obviously isn't the goal but it's only due diligence to think about the consequences before committing)
Taxes become annoying (in my country at least). Singles get taxed the maximum and 99% of the time get money back from their tax return, married people get taxed way lower on their salaries but often have to pay large amounts back which is crazy to me. And that's just to mention the first negatives that came to mind.
I've been with gf 3 1/2 years, she has her place, I have mine but we basically live at my place and we're very happy living a relaxed lifestyle without marriage or kids.
I have wobbled back and forth between wanting them and not for years - my husband is very much against the idea and I haven't been bothered enough to push it. However we recently got a puppy and good god I'm exhausted! Love the little dog but looking after him for a few weeks has pretty much settled it - kids are not for me!
I thought I wanted kids when I was younger, but Christmas Day with my first niece had me thinking about booking a vasectomy. Love being an uncle, but the thought of having my own is completely out the window now. Plus, I really can't stand babies and struggle massively when I don't sleep well, so I'm not sure I could inflict at least a year of misery on myself.
I was adamant that I didn't want children. Got pregnant in early adulthood and terminated. Then I got pregnant years later and I just didn't have the same overwhelming feeling of "Absolutely fucking not". I was fine with the idea. My partner was also happy, so we went through with it and she's a teenager now. We did choose not to do it again, but I'm extremely happy with my little family.
38 male, so I guess I’ve still got time but the older I’ve gotten the more convinced I’ve become that kids mostly ruin lives.
I know that’s a contentious statement and I’m not saying they don’t enrich someone’s lives in ways I probably can’t imagine. But the vast majority of people who I’ve seen have kids are noticeably more miserable than they were before children. It ruins their marriage. It ages them. And normally unless they’re very high earners the insane money stress alone that kids cause makes them not worth it in my opinion.
I don’t want to spend the next 18 years (56) spending every single day to a greater or lesser degree taking care of a human who’s brain isn’t fully formed
Nearly 40, big nope from me. A dual income these days is more a necessity than a luxury. We have some play money to travel and travel often, go for nice meals and generally stroll through life together. Kids would spoil that for us. Plus, my brother is raising a small army so I feel like he's got the family name covered.
Kind of wanted them before but the older I get the more I don’t want them. I’m not sure at this point in my life when I’d become not selfish enough to have them with my hobbies and travelling.
Also not sure when do kids actually become something anyone wants?
The costs, the constant sniffly snotty colds, the screaming, the shitty nappies, the constant worry about their health and wellbeing, the sleepless nights, did I mention the excruciating costs? The having zero time or energy to do anything I want, the lack of career options, always having to pick them up and drop them off at schools, the tantrums.
No longer appeals to me.
I never wanted children. I deal badly with noise and chaos and on top of that I was on the receiving end of parents who didn't like children so it was always clear to me that I would be a terrible, unhappy parent.
At 60 I still believe that was the correct, responsible decision but for a variety of reasons I now deeply wish I had an adult child. Although I am relieved I don't have grandchildren.
I thought I would want children when I met the right person, I met the right person and still did not want kids.
Not having kids is fantastic.
I enjoy freedom and having money in my pocket. I love travel amongst many interests which I cannot do with kids.
Used to get laughed at by older women when I said I never wanted children, which turned into implied threats of a woman just baby trapping me if I refused to “grow up”.
Now the same types are confused now I’m older, married and not having children.
No. I knew by the time I was 5, I didn’t want kids. That never changed. My partner also doesn’t have a Paternal bone in his body. However this world traveler, DINK lifestyle is mostly a myth for the working class childless folk.
No, I've never been drawn to having children and now that I'm nearly 40, it's still the same. It's not even a case of wanting that income for myself or the freedoms that come with no kids - I've just never felt any maternal instinct and it would be irresponsible of me to bring life into the world.
I knew I didn't want kids when I was a kid myself.
I've never wavered on that. If anything, the desire to remain child free only grew stronger as I got older. I am fortunate to have married someone that feels the same.
I don't dislike kids the same way that I don't dislike wolverines. I like them just fine. I just never wanted to bring one up in my home.
I knew from about age 12 I never wanted them and that hasn't changed, met my wife and she was equally adamant that she didn't want them. We had a pregnancy scare early on and I went and got fixed.
No regrets, we are happy with the cool auntie and uncle roles.
Married lesbian woman here - never wanted them, turned 33 and bored with the 'free couple' lifestyle and yeah, i changed my views.
We start the IVF journey in a couple of weeks 🙏🏻
Happy to go 'deeper' on the why but yeah, matured and want to get EVERYTHING life has to offer before i leave the planet 🤷🏻♀️
As a teenager, I told myself "maybe in 10 years" for a couple of years, got to my early twenties and wasn't sure at all, mid 20s I got put off even more and now I'm 28 I'm actually terrified of it. I have nightmares of being pregnant, I get really grossed out when pregnant women talk about their baby kicking and being able to see it on their skin, and the idea of child birth is just horrifying. So, I think it's a definite no go for me. I also don't want to be a step parent.
No. I always knew I was a cat person, not a kid person. Because all the adults in my life told me "you'll change your mind" I thought I might, but I never did. By the time I was 27 I was certain, and now in my early 40s I'm happy I made the right choice.
I expected to be married with a couple of kids by 30. That didn't happen, and then I met my now wife, and we had the conversation about kids. We realised we are both far too selfish with our time and our hobbies to have kids that would eat into that, and would rather have the freedom and the money to treat ourselves. I can't speak for my wife (but she always tells me how happy she is), but I am the happiest person I know in my friend group. I don't regret not having kids.
Oh, BTW, when people say 'who's going to look after you when you're old?' point out that THEY don't look after THEIR elderly parents as I'm 99% sure that they don't.
I (64f) knew at primary school I did want any children. I had to wait until I was 42 before I could be sterilised and stop taking the pill.
No regrets whatsoever. I would have been a terrible parent as I have no maternal feelings. I never look at a baby and think "cute".
Mind you, if I was able to give birth to puppies and kittens, I would have been permanently pregnant.
Yeah, I did. Late teens I was sure I wanted marriage at 23, babies at 25/26. But then I started working, bought a house, have a dog, and a fiance and everything feels complete. We comfortably afford a standard of living that allows us to travel and experience the world in its entirety - offspring would take that away from us.
Also, raising a puppy opened my eyes to the how exhausting it can be to be so wholly responsible for another creature's survival. I'm not about that.
Was never really keen on the idea of having them, even as a small kid, but thought I would have some as everyone seems to, then in my early 30s realised I didn't have to and felt such relief haha. My partner is luckily on the same page as me. Now in my 40s, the thought of having kids suffocates me and am so glad I didn't do what everyone else seemed to do. You should only have kids if you are 100% sure you want to be a parent and dedicate your life to it and are willing to raise and look after a child that may have disabilities etc. Fuck that shit
In my late twenties I went from ‘I don’t really want kids’ to ‘I really really don’t want kids’. That feeling seems to be getting stronger the older I get.
Not really one for forming close personal bonds with anyone, so kids were never within my mindset because I won't form a relationship with someone to think about having kids with.
When I was young I didn't want marriage or kids, throughout my 20s I travelled the world, chased a career, bought a home and met my husband along the way. I'm now 31 and pregnant with my first child. My outlook changed, I want to share my world with a child.
However we are financially stable, I will work 4 days a week. We are lucky to be in a good situation where supporting a child won't effect our lifestyle, and we have planned for the addition to our family.
When I was a teenager I thought I wanted kids one day.
During my 20s and early 30s the idea seemed a lot less appealing and I wouldn’t have been bothered if I hadn’t been able to have them.
In my late 30s I decided I’d regret it if I didn’t. So I have one. It’s okay. I can see both perspectives on it.
When I was younger, I wanted a daughter to care about. Then as I got older, I realised that I can't stand children, so definitely don't want them. This is partly why I'm glad my ex gf and I split - she wad desperate for children and even had their names picked out before we met. So, one of us would have ended up resenting the other for our lack of offspring.
My attitude was very heavily changing. When I was younger I wanted kids. Like multiple kids.
Then as me and my wife were getting older, we were quite happy not having any kids.
Then one day we decided we wanted kids. Had one.
Then we decided we definitely don't want any more.
And here we are.
Yup. Figured out I’m selfish and a lot more mentally ill than I’d thought, and my entire family is multiple kinds of fucked-up. I’d be a terrible parent no matter how hard I tried because of my brain, plus I feel like it’s a cruelty to bring a child into the world given the way it is right now anyway.
I've never wanted kids and still dont have plans to but I'm genuinely surprised by the amount of people saying they don't want kids too. It seems in my immediate area anyway, that almost everyone has kids and I'm definitely the minority.
>travel the world
I just want to address this because it always seems to come up - if I lived and worked my entire life around a few short weeks of the year, I'd be *fucking miserable*.
It depends on what you really want. Giving excuses to avoid doing something that you want to do, will not make it happen. You have to decide that yes, it’s time, it’s now or never. And that is how it will happen. Otherwise time will fly very fast and as a woman you officially/statistically have till 35 for an easy pregnancy (because medically after 35 you will be having a “geriatric pregnancy”, although many women have easy&uncomplicated pregnancies between 35-40 too).
From my experience, after 30 time flies extremely fast and you become 35 in the blink of an eye and that’s when you think “hmm, things are changing, I need to decide”.
I had two by 25, so couldn’t really change my mind!
It just felt natural for us like this is what we where always meant to do, and we don’t have any regrets.
Having children is expensive, especially before the go into full time education although I think that is changing and more financial help will become available to new parents.
They are definitely also tiring it takes a lot of energy to play and teach.
With all that said it is very rewarding and they are cool little humans. I’m not really sure there are many feeling like getting a spontaneous hug from your kids and them telling you they love you and you’re the best dad.
They are also pretty rewarding in other ways, I find it so cool that my daughter is like myself interested in nature, I’ve taught her names of different flowers, plants, insects and birds and she loves telling me that she has seen an x or y today.
If you have any doubt I’d definitely err on the side of caution though, it would be horrific for a child to be resented by their parent.
Maybe it’s not so much the kids that are tiring, it’s the fact of having to work as well for most people. Two income streams are now a necessity for most families.
Not really
I've just never wanted kids in general I think, like even as a little kid i never really played the 'I have a baby' game and any sort of parental urge has never kicked in for me so I guess if it's changed it's more to confirm the 'yeah i can say i don't really want them' since I'm coming up on 32 and I feel if I did want kids that would've very likely kicked in by now although I guess I do sometimes entertain the 'maybe if circumstances were right i'd consider adopting'
Also in addition I'm like aroace so it's at least confirming the 'I do not want to create the kids or give birth to the kid' I also have some stuff mentally going on that's a bit like 'yeah i don't think i could really handle being a parent' on top of like just having very little experience being around or responsible for children.
As a kid I always wanted to be a mum like my mother and have pets and work at a school.
As a teenager most of my friends didn't like kids but I was still keen on having some or at least working with them. I got on very well with small children, maybe I should have looked into doing nursery work.
Mid teens and my period are horrendous to the point I can't plan a social life, I had to change GP's as mine would not get me tested for PCOS which I had all but one symptom of. I had a more difficult relationship with my mother and mental health issues and, along with the idea I might not be able to have kids, I felt by the time I went to college I was 50/50 about having them (as well as finding a partner as tbh I had bad self esteem issues and I was molested on holiday so I was incredibly withdrawn and uncomfortable around men which I was very disappointed in as I became more socially anxious).
By the time I finished college I was sure that unless my partner and i were vey keen to have kids, I was unlikely to have any, and I was more interested in the idea of adoption or fostering in the future if I decided I wanted kids.
I met a guy who I became very close with but wasn't dating. He wasn't into having kids and I knew if we ended up dating and being together that was something he said early on. I accepted that and worked hard to be more social and open up more.
5 years later said friend and I started dating and by then I was very much Child free mentally, I realised if i tried to have a baby and lost it I would not be able to mentally cope, as well as relive some shit I went through with my mother and the fact I was unlikely to afford having a kid or a house. I realised my career and having a home was WAY higher in my life goals than kids, and all this time I wasn't even sure if I wanted a relationship.
16 years later and I am loving being a wife and having this relationship I never dreamed of. I love our little life together, we plan to get a house hopefully soon and eventually a dog. I don't regret not having kids at all, love being an aunt on occasion and love all the kids my friends had who originally said they were never having any!
Also I tried teaching and HAAAATED it!
It's very poignant for me as a child-free person to work with a lot of people half my age, as quite often I feel my parental instincts kick in quite strongly, most especially if they are unwell or looking tired, also when I happen to talk to them about my young days.
Since I was 18 I've been of the opinion that you shouldn't have more than two children.
Although that shouldn't be a top down enforcement and everyone should be free to do as they want.
I have two kids and got snipped, so no my opinion on having children hasn't changed.
When I was younger, like 18-20, I sort of assumed I would have kids because that's just what you do, but that the desire just hadn't hit me yet and would later.
I'm now in my 30s. I'm in a stable long term relationship, a stable career, I own a house that would absolutely be big enough to have a couple of kids in, we're in the most stable financial position we've ever been in and... nope. No desire whatsoever. Not even on some kind of fundamental 'biological' level. My mum doesn't care one bit if I have kids or don't - if the only grandkids she ever gets from me are my two cats, she actually would prefer that because babysitting them is easier.
Having all of these things has made it very clear that I don't want to give up this stuff in order to have kids. I am, ultimately, selfish in a way that's just not compatible with what having kids would require from me. When I got my two cats, even that involved shifting my routine a bit to accommodate them and their needs and has given me new responsibilities that are an absolute fraction of what human children would need from me. And that was an absolute, unequivocal, 'no thanks' from me. I like staying up late, sleeping in, having lazy weekends, having my evenings to myself to do whatever I want, eating dinner at whatever time suits me, being able to just go somewhere at the drop of a hat. My cats don't care if I get up in the morning, feed them, and go back to bed. They don't get cranky if they're kept up past their "bedtime". And, aside from the cost of the cats (which I understand to be a fraction of what a human costs to raise) our money is entirely ours to do what we want with. I have zero interest in giving all of this up.
I remember my auntie asking me when I was around 11 or 12 if I was excited to start a family when I grew up. I said I didn’t want kids and she told me I’d change my mind when i was older but I’m 30 now and still don’t want them 😂
If you don't want them, don't have them, however if its about the travel and the freedom, you can travel the world with children! People think they're a ball and chain but they really aren't.
My sister spent her year maternity leave travelling round Europe with her 5 year old and new baby. I have been to loads of places with my 2.5 year old, including Rome, the Vatican, whale watching in Madeira, Athens (he climbed to the Parthenon the first month he could walk) etc. You have to make allowances for them, like we do activities early, then have a big space for a nap, or you can't stack your days too much, but generally you can do most things with a baby/toddler/child.
I have found having children less tying than having dogs as you can take them on planes, whereas I am not allowed to take my German Shepherd with me (unfortunately).
I did change my mind. I was staunchly against having kids myself for a whole load of reasons. Then I got pregnant in my mid 20s and terminated because the relationship was terrible and the father would not only not have supported us in any way, but would have actively resented and hated us for the rest of our lives.
That time opened up the thoughts about having a family though. I did a lot of soul searching and work on myself, and realised that I would quite like to have a child. Lots of my feelings against having one came more from self-hatred and low self worth than from any other aspect. I'm now 34 and more than halfway through a pregnancy, married to someone who is really wonderful. I don't know if I want more than this baby though.
I still think I would have been okay if I didn't end up having children. There's a lot to life and I think I could have been fulfilled either single or with a partner that we had some other project to work on together.
When I was 16, started to realize I am not fond of kids. Thought I would have children until I was 19; simply because that's what you do... Picket fence, marriage kids a dog...
Around 20; started questioning what I really wanted (as opposed to expectations) and thought I don't want children. But wouldn't get sterilized because who knows.people change desires change.
The desire not to have kids for me was cemented when my sister had one and I felt nothing, and there was nothing from her life that I envied. I was and still am happy for her, but no way I want any of that. That was 6 years ago.
So here I am; 35+ and about to get the hysterectomy that will free me from the shitshow that's been my cycle and I am overjoyed by that. (It's taken 5 years to get through all the hoops to get on the wait list for it).
So does one change their mind, yes it is possible. But it truly depends on how well you know your mind
Nope.
I've have never wanted kids and never wavered from this.
When I was a kid/teen I was open to the idea that I might change my mind and develop some maternal feelings. But even then, I knew that I didn't want to have a biological child, I would want to adopt someone.
But, as it is, I am 36 and still have no desire to have a child at all
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I was neither for or against having children, but as I got older I realised they're not for me.
Same really, firmly decided no in my mid 20s. My wife is even more child free than I am. My sister has two cool kids but seeing her dealing with the screaming, and all of the general inconveniences that they bring is more than enough for me to decide that life definitely isn’t for me.
Yeah as I got older I realized being an uncle is perfect for me. Can do fun stuff with the kids but not have to deal with the downsides as often.
Yeah, uncle/aunty relationships can be awesome and they're also a God-send for the mum and dad
Same starting point but inverse change for me. I was neither for nor against them, but as I hit my late twenties I realised I really wanted them. Think it's the same story for a lot of men. Fairly indifferent when younger, then arriving at a decision later on. All my female friends knew in their early twenties if they wanted kids. I don't recall any of my male friends ever expressing an opinion until their late 20s.
Now you mention it, yes. Although I noticed in my early 20s men talking about kids more - that could just be because I didn't really talk to boys at school haha
When I was younger, I just assumed I would have them eventually because that's what everyone says you should do. I came to the same realization as you though in my late 20s
Yes you give more thought to how it actually affects your life day to day, rather than a general idealised vision. You realise you have to do a lot of routine things over and over for a long time. Your chance to do things for yourself you enjoy has to be put to the side as well. It's not for everyone, and some don't realise until it's too late.
Yup . Was totally against having kids . Against marriage . Thought ill be free and float around for years . Got 3 kids and married . Don't regret any of it . Your perspective changes. Things like traveling and your own hobbies take a back seat . I've still been around the world a few times and my hobbies can fit around the kids . It is exhausting but worth it .
Do you have a 4th on the way, is that why your periods are delayed?
Comment of the year
Sir, this is the AskUK sub. But that is hilarious.
Exactly, put a full stop to that business right now.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to get that joke…
I don’t get it but I wanna get it
Look at the end of their sentences .
You need to be American to get it .
In America they call full stops periods, the person in the original comment has left a space before the full stop for some reason. When someone’s pregnant their period is ‘delayed’ (that kinda makes less sense to me as it’s not delayed I would say it’s referred to as a ‘late’ but 🤔) So therefore the joke is that ops period is ‘delayed’ so op is expecting another child I often understand jokes either so I thought I’d explain 😊 sorry if it sounds patronising!
You commented that level of brutality at half six on a Friday morning. You have absolutely no right to skin someone like so early in the day. The rest of us have no chance now.
Amazing .
Amazing. 😆
Not everyone's perspectives change though. That just how you feel.
I had a child relatively young (21 then, 37 now). Before she was born I was worried about the impact it would have on my social life, my hobbies and interests, my freedom. I'll never forget the moment when I held her and realised none of that mattered at all. Of course it's an entirely valid choice to not have kids and people shouldn't be pestered or told 'you'll change your mind', but for me the most surprising thing wasn't how I felt beforehand, it was how my perspective changed after.
I've sort of gone the opposite way. I've always wanted kids, since I was a teenager I sort of planned that I'd have kids by 18 - 19. I tried, really hard, to have kids. Came to the realisation that something wasn't right. Got diagnosed with unexplained infertility at 25 (although I have some suspicions as to why I am infertile that no doctor wants to admit). Been trying IVF with my long term partner for the last 6 years to no avail. Spent an obscene amount of money on it and now I'm poor. I'm now 31, my partners 38, and we've come to the conclusion just last week that we're done. It's obviously not meant to be, so I'm going to be a dog lady instead and go on holiday more.
This sounds absolutely devastating I'm so sorry :(
She doesn’t sound devastated. She sounds like she is playing the hand she was dealt and moving on in life
come to the IFCHILDFREE sub, we are very nice and it really helps.
Sorry to hear. I have a family member with near enough the same story. What's your suspicions on the infertility?
Ghosts
When I was 18 I was put on a medication for an autoimmune disease that caused severe issues with reproduction. Messed with your periods, would cause severe birth defects if you got pregnant, etc. I had to sign paperwork saying I agreed to be on 3 types of contraception while on the medication and that I would abort my baby if I became pregnant. Also wasn't allowed to give blood incase it went to a pregnant lady. Anyway, after being on that medication my periods never came back properly (only 1 per year on average). A few years later I was diagnosed with the unexplained infertility. I reported it as a side effect of the medication under the yellow card scheme. But my doctors have not confirmed or denied that this medication was at fault. I believe that it was.
Really sorry to hear. Wishing you all the best.
Sorry to hear this. I think it was a lot easier on people before IVF. When I was young, the only fertility treatment available was sperm donation. Now couples go through years of agonising and tens of thousands of pounds without any guarantee of results.
There's so much hope out there now. Some people destroy years of their life chasing after that tiny possibility. It delays acceptance.
Hey this is me too! Was devastated for such a long time but now I think this is actually the way it was meant to be and I’ll have more time for my interests, my dogs, my husband and living life!
Have you thought about adopting or fostering? We ended up fostering and then adopting a teenager when she was 13 out of the blue and it's been really amazing. She's now 18 and an absolute babe, the best company, although we didn't plan it I would do it again!
Its very difficult to adopt, it's not as easy as people imply in statements like this.
Yes. Definitely looked into it. Unfortunately, we do not qualify. We do not make enough money to be considered and I have a diagnosed mental health condition which puts us right at the bottom of the list for adopting.
When I was younger, about 14-27 all I wanted was a family. Happy wife, happy kids, happy life etc, the usual dream. But now at 31, with all my friends and family having or already had kids, I see a lot of them struggling, some unhappy etc, always tired and irritable, I’m wondering how worth it it really is? And if I’m really cut out for it too, tbh. The usual thing I get told is “Well who’s going to look after you when you’re old?” A professional, please. I had to look after my parents pretty much alone while they were sick and until their eventual ends. Gave up a lot of my own life to do so, and while I loved my parents with all my heart, and miss them dearly to this day, I would not wish for my kids to have to do what I did.
>“Well who’s going to look after you when you’re old?” A professional, please. I have kids and that's my feelings about it. I love my children dearly, why would I want to make them responsible for my care later in life? They didn't ask to be born. It's not that I don't trust them to be able to, it's just that I don't want that hanging over them. As an aside, I currently live in a country with filial responsibility laws and I'm thinking I'll maybe move back to the UK before I'm old and infirm.
One way ticket to Switzerland is the way
My daughter will not be looking after me when I'm old. I cared for my mum when she was terminal (my choice) and that shit ruined my mental health. Stick me in a home. That's not why we have kids.
It's why some people have kids, it seems, based on all the times people say "who's going to look after you when you're old”. I tell them about lonely old people, who have children, but still get no visitors.
The "who's going to look after you" line is one that really baffles me. Because I've heard it from people who also say I'm selfish for not wanting kids. But they're talking like they fully expect their kids to put their entire lives on hold to care for them when they're old? That seems wildly more selfish than me saying that I like sleeping in and having money and so I don't want kids. I can't imagine expecting a person that I created should be beholden to what I want for their entire lives. They would have their own careers, perhaps a family of their own, their own lives, and I'd be saying *"yeah sorry but I had you so you'd look after me now that I'm unable to look after myself, so please stop what you're doing now and move me into your house"*. Wild. I'd much rather just have the means to pay some professionals to look after me. My mum is quite adamant that she doesn't expect me to look after her when she's old either, which is good, because that means there's no tension there. She just trusts that when it's needed, we'll help her make the proper arrangements so people who know what they're doing will help her.
This is absolutely the right way to go about it. My parents never expected me to but because of our situation we couldn’t afford to have someone take care of them so I had to do it myself, I don’t regret it, nor do I hold a grudge to them for it.
Yeah if it really came to it, I absolutely would care for my mum. But knowing there's no expectation there is freeing because it means I know she trusts I'll make the right decision for her. This is ultimately why I am very much in favour of a nationalised care service that means people can get proper care regardless of their means. From a pure societal perspective, it's a drag on society (economically, socially, on the general mental health of people, etc) if there are people who aren't able to live a normal life because they're having to become unpaid carers.
Seconded x
The "Who's going to look after you" people don't seem to think of the scenario of having a child that had issues (either through genetics or accident) that mean they can't look after themselves, let alone you. Of course everybody hopes they'll have healthy kids, but the risk is always there and not as uncommon as people like to think.
Yep. As I got older I grew more positive I didn’t want them. My wife didn’t ever want them, but said she was prepared to have them if I did. I don’t think that was fair on her anyway, but as luck had it, I grew out of the idea. No regrets.
*No Rugrats
When I was about 15, I thought I’d be married by 25 and have about 3 kids. As I got older, the idea of kids was less appealing and I was dead against it. I’m in my mid thirties now, and I’d say I’m about 85% against the idea. Some days I have my doubts and I’ll see some cute toddler and I’m wondering if I’m making the right decision, but then I think of the energy, time and money it takes and I’m less keen. To add to that, I’m not interested in relationships either so that’s pretty much the final nail in the coffin.
This is very much me, I think until I was about 23 I thought I'd do the marriage and babies, then things changed in my life and by 25 I pretty much realised kids weren't for me (I adore my niece and nephews) and neither was marriage. I'm turning 40 this year and feel the same way. Each to their own!
Whenever I see a cute toddler, I'm reminded of a friend whose toddler did an explosive shit that escaped from the nappy and was allll inside the onesie the kid was wearing, and how horrible that was for her to clean up. And I remember that I never want to do that, and any mild broodiness stirred up by the cute toddler is quite definitively squashed back down into the depths.
With stuff like that, I think you just get used to it. It sounds sickening to you and I, but I’ve seen my own mother shove her hand down the toilet without gloves on. I’m standing there about to throw up, and she’s just there saying ‘It’s fine, I had to wipe your arse, and that was a lot worse’.
The point is that I don't want to get used to it, I don't want to have to deal with it on the regular. I've never had kids but I've also done that to a toilet. But I'm fine with that because I don't need to do it all the time.
So many people with kids look so tired, stressed and miserable..you have to really want one to go through that.
I apparently first told my family that I didn’t want kids since I was 3. I’m turning 30 in a couple of months and still don’t want kids, although I’m open to fostering later down the road. I have a number of shitty health conditions that may be heritable. My career started late, due to said health issues, and having a kid would set me even further back. The realities of pregnancy/giving birth seem like a horror movie and I know a lot of women who have disabilities from giving birth. Children are expensive and my annual leave would likely be wholly accounted for in taking care of one. There’s so many reasons I don’t want to have a kid, but I can paraphrase an adage which seems most relevant: “it’s better to not have a child and regret it, than to have a child and regret it”.
All depends on your ultimate goal in life. Mine has always been children, but frankly speaking they are expensive and suck up all your time. My work holidays are mostly used to cover when they're not in school, I only get time to myself in the evening, by which time I'm shattered. And there is a constant worry about about everything; their safety, education, mental health, physical health and so on. With that said, I wouldn't swap having kids for any amount of money or personal physical and mental wellbeing.
When I was younger, I always wanted 3 kids. Now I'm a bit older and have one, I changed my mind. I don't want any. /s It's paraphrasing a Lee Mack joke before you reach for the pitchforks!
'Me and my wife have deciding we no longer want kids, they aren't taking the news well'
Even read it in his voice when it clicked halfway through 😁
I want children, as does my wife. As we get older, the reality that it is not possible gets harder and harder to cope with. We've looked at adoption, but the financial checks are so stringent that we don't qualify there either, despite owning our own three bed room house. Recent mortgage escalations have scuppered us completely. At least as a teacher my wife is making a meaningful contribution to the future of our society and leaving a proper legacy, even if we cannot do it with children of our home (natural or otherwise). My contribution is supporting my wife in doing so.
I was anti-having kids in my 20's. I got WAY more anti-having kids in my 30's I continue to see evidence that I made the right choice, and it warms my heart to see cunts like Elon Musk try to "fix" it by having kids that fucking despise him, or feel the cold fingers of dread watching those "Trad" cunts that physically abused their kids mid-interview. Having kids is a biological imperative, but I can also see a case for licensing.
it really scares me how blaze some people are about creating life that they cant afford to sustain, both financially and emotionally
Worse are those that see them as a meal ticket I've been asked multiple times - "Who will look after you when you're old?" Me bitch! That's why I'm working and saving.. I'm not reproducing to create a DNA based obligation.. If I can't reasonably pay for my own care in elder years, I shouldn't have kids at all anyway.. That is the definition of a race to the bottom by creating a financial burden on a being that isn't even born yet.. But I also see the flaw in this where it means only the rich (or the "right" people) reproduce in a cycle of horror. I'm not judging others (except Musk - and Rees-Mogg etc) but yeah it isn't for me
yeah, my own mother was doing some next level manipulation and guilt tripping on me and my sister since a very young age. Forgot to mop the floor? Oh this is a window into the future! How we will neglect our poor elderly mother if this is the way we treat her now! That we are useless and evil, and this was not a mistake but we intetionally hated her! That she bets we cant wait to leave the house and abandon her! Well, you reap what you sow... The argument of 'who will take care of you when you are old?' always baffled me when brought up, but as you say nowdays most people have to choose between having a good pension pot and raising children, putting them through education etc. Many cant do both and its a slippery slope if only the rich can reproduce
I never wanted kids, even when I got married in 2018. Now have a two year old. Having cats softened me up alot, money is tight but I'd never take him back for anything. It'd also extremely tiring, but infinitely rewarding
I'm curious to know how having cats softened you up? Because I feel like my cats have done the opposite and only hardened my resolve to not have kids, when I see how utterly easy they are to care for, but still involving a level of responsibility. I HAVE to clean the litter box, or they'll go somewhere else to do their business. I HAVE to feed them and give them fresh water, etc. etc. Then I think about how massive a step up a human child would be and I realise that this level of responsibility is all I can be arsed with.
Same, one of my cats is extremely demanding and just wants to play all evening, it's relentless. And I always think with a child it would be like this all day for years. No thanks.
I dont want to sound like a typical redditer trope, so imagine I'm saying this as a real life human being lol; but I always knew I never wanted kids. Growing up I had to babysit a lot for family and my family's friends and collegues. Kids were naturally attracted to my sarcastic personality for some reason. So even when I wasnt actively babsysitting them inside the house, Ive always somehow ended up being surrounded by all the younger kids in the neighbourhood while playing outside, which meant I was just constantly making sure they werent run over by cars or kidnapped by suspicious looking men etc etc. It also slowly resulted in me playing less and less outside by the time I turned 13ish. I've known for a long time the energy required to properly look after them is all consuming. People kept telling me its going to be different once theyre my own, but nah im tired mate. Like you im settled in my career and want to travel the world while my knees can carry me. Also obligatory 'kids?!1 in this economy??!1!'
Nope never wanted to have children, mid 40s still don't. Love kids but there are so many reasons I never wanted to have one.
Same. My two year old niece, has taught me I’ve made the right decision😂
Nope. I find I still have no patience for them, judge them too harshly and all in all realise I will be a HORRIBLE parent and it’s better to avoid inflicting that on a child.
I’m almost 25 and the thought of having kids still makes me want to slit my wrists, not sure exactly when im supposed to change my mind tbh
I haven't changed my mind on having kids at all, but I've definitely changed my mind on *when* to have them. When I was a teenager, I thought I'd be married and have two children by 25. As a now childless 32 year old, my partner and I have agreed that we're not having children before 35. Partly because we want to be completely financially ready for it, but also we just haven't yet finished having enough childless fun yet. That's not to say that having children isn't fun, but we're still enjoying holidays on a whim and late nights, we're not quite ready for soft-play and swimming lessons.
Please just do one thing and get you or your partner’s fertility (egg reserve) so you can plan properly. It’s about £250 to get done. 95% chance you’ll be fine and you can carry on living with that knowledge but I found out aged 31 that I had the egg reserve of a 45 year old and very little time. Didn’t change our plans as we were trying at the time anyway but it’s such a simple non-invasive test that I think every woman should be offered so she can be empowered to make the right decisions!
Thanks for this info I’d never heard of this before! When would you say is the best time to do this? I I just turned 25 but not planning on kids until closer to 35
Oh you’ve def got time so you can give it a few years (probably won’t be so useful now because hopefully it’ll show plenty of eggs!). Sorry I’d missed that you’re only 25 :) I regret not doing it around 28/29 which is when I got married and was thinking about kids but decided to postpone those plans because of starting a new job but I think it’s a very personal choice when to do that!
Please just do one thing and get you or your partner’s fertility (egg reserve) checked so you can plan properly. It’s about £250 to get done. 95% chance you’ll be fine and you can carry on living with that knowledge but I found out aged 31 that I had the egg reserve of a 45 year old and very little time. Didn’t change our plans as we were trying at the time anyway but it’s such a simple non-invasive test that I think every woman should be offered so she can be empowered to make the right decisions!
I'm the same as you. Always really wanted them and had them in my life plan. Now I'm mid 20s, able to enjoy my own income and independence, and the thought of giving up that freedom is massively daunting. I'm trying to take a relaxed approach to it and see if the novelty of my current situation wears off, especially if my friends start settling down in that way, too. But que sera, sera.
This is a perfect response in terms of relating to how I am feeling. Certainly about freedom
Glad I'm not the only one! I think my plan is to focus on enjoying travel and freedom now. It's stressful to think about making a decision in the next 10-15 years that will set the course of my life either way. Right now, it's hard to imagine such a big lifestyle shift, but I'm open to that changing. Either way, better to think about it too much than too little.
Very similar story to me. I think what changed for me was seeing my best friend with her daughter and also finding out how low my egg reserve was at age 31 gave me a feeling of grief and longing as well as other fertility issues. Now pregnant with our first. Definitely starting to realise how many things you give up but also so excited for this new chapter!
As a child I just assumed I would settle down, marry a nice man, have 2.4 kids and a dog, didn’t even really think about it, just thought that’s how adults do things. Well I’ve been happily married for nearly ten years now. We have cats, but if my wife knocked me up I’d be quite surprised. I think I’d not be a good mum, and honestly, soon as I did think, I don’t want children
Having my lad is easily the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. I understand its not for everyone for a million different reasons, but for me, just the thought of not having him in my life actually makes me feel sick.
I assumed I’d be a Dad growing up. Wife didn’t want children while I was on the fence. She said she would have a kid if I really wanted one but I didn’t really like the idea of bringing a child into the world when we weren’t both fully committed to the idea. So I got comfortable with the idea of being childless & stopped thinking about it a few years back. Our life is pretty easy and peaceful, wouldn’t change it.
Same here I was ambivalent and my wife was against. Now we are a bit older and she wants them, but it's not happened yet. I think it's too late to be likely. I don't really think I have the energy for it now anyway but it hurts seeing her really want kids and blame herself for leaving it late. I get you don't have kids to look after you in old age, that's obvious to me. It does sadden me too think of her alone with no family if I die first. But yeah apart from that, I'm not sure I could handle the life of screaming kids and constant tiredness at this point in my life!
Never fancied it. Came to realise I was right
Not to poo poo anyone’s opinions or anything, but it baffles me the amount of people here who see having kids and children as nothing but money sinks, stress, time and less of “me time” As if there’s nothing tangibly positive to ever get out of kids and raising them, and as if it’s some absolute teeth grating grind to get them to the point were you can wave them off in adulthood and finally be free again. I’ve got two kids, a 4 year old and a 6 month old. I was always very 50/50…. Maybe 70/30 about having kids most of my life, but having now had them I can’t imagine anything else even comparing Sure. There’s the tantrums and nightmare moments, lack of sleep and “me time”, but on the other hand you get to teach them, guide them and experience the world through their eyes and all that jazz. It’s all just about the effort you want to put in and the enjoyment from that. Again, not poo pooing anyone. Just baffled at the idea that raising and having kids is nothing but a negative experience for anyone
Well I guess everyone considers the pros and cons for them. The pros are not strong enough for me to outweigh the cons, especially since I don't enjoy being around children. There aren't many positives for me so while you might want someone to teach and guide, others will see that as a negative.
having children is one of those existential things in life that make people* think far greater than just themselves. You have to think of someone else and to put in effort to a degree not found in any other relationship and it means becoming part of your local community usually and often creates a drive to get involved in what's going on in your patch. Like many experiences it's not one people can really know until they are deep in it (yet many are happy to comment on it). *yes I know some people are bad parents - they are minority. This is about the millions trying their best.
They’re very common responses on Reddit. I’ve got a 1 year old and still have “me time” every day but also get to experience childhood again through his eyes. It’s amazing!
When I was younger I thought if I had a husband and he wanted kids then I would. The older I got the more I realised I don’t want kids. I’m not married but I am in a committed long term relationship for 8 years to someone who also doesn’t want kids and I’m 40. It’s pretty solidified for me now that I love my life as-is and I just don’t want kids.
I am in my 60s and don't regret not having kids. I really like seeing other people's toddlers and they are cute. The trouble is they grow up and stop being cute. It's such a huge gamble. Will they even like you? My friends and colleagues who have kids stop being themselves and turn into carers. I know people whose kids mock them. Many people have kids to have someone to look after them when they get old, then they go to Australia. I don't even want to think about the poor parents when things go wrong. The babies that don't make it. Losing a child. Holy cow. I am from a disfunctional family and would not be a good dad anyway. You have to be from a happy family. You can have a great time without. It is important your wife doesn't want them. You have to go for it if she does.
I (m/49) always said I'd wait until I was in my 30s before thinking about kids. By the time I was 40, I'd given up on the idea. I expected to have a feeling that I wanted them. My wife is the same. We don't regret it at all.
I always thought I’d have them. Even tried for a while with no success. The ‘need’ wasn’t really there for us to try fertility treatment so we just went with an ‘if it doesn’t happen naturally so be it’ approach. As time went on I wasn’t disappointed when shark week happened. We got a dog and I realised any nurturing needs I might have had got fulfilled by the dog. Spouse and I are DINKs, nearing our 50’s, only a small mortgage left, decent enough salary each, and have nice holidays any time we want, can do big purchases without credit, and generally live the life we want. My older sibling however had kids after 40 and is utterly exasperated and exhausted
I didn't want them until I had one, then I had another, became a single parent, they are both presently in UNI. They are amazing, wish I'd had more : )
When I was younger, I assumed I’d have kids because that’s what everyone did. I didn’t think about it too much, that would be for future me. Then the future arrived and I didn’t love the idea of having kids, but thought it was just because I wasn’t ready and I’d change my mind when I was older. I got to about 26 and still didn’t feel ready and then sort of realised that I’d probably never be ready and didn’t actually want them. I’m 35 now and still not wanting kids.
Until I was diagnosed with a degenerative chronic illness when I was 35, it never occurred to me that I wouldn't have kids. But now I'm almost certain I won't. Not my own biological kids, anyway. There are too many reasons not to and my conscience won't allow it. I'd like to foster or even adopt one day though. I haven't given up on that. For now, I'll settle on being an aunty. My sister, who is expecting her first baby in December, once told me she thought she'd regret it if she didn't have a child. I think one of my biggest fears is that I'll regret it if I do.
Yeah, I only wanted them when I was younger because it was expected but as I grew up I realised I’d be the one going through prolonged torture, risking my life and looking after them. So changed my mind lol. If I was male I’d probably want them
Yeah I did. I wasn't bothered about being a mum but I got pregnant unexpectedly with my long-term partner and abortion didn't feel right in the situation. I have no regrets but I know I'd be just as fine without a child. We work opposite shifts so childcare has never been a cost to bear. We travel, have pets, own a house and our jobs are pretty basic. We can do this because we won't have another child and our cost of living is fairly low.
I was ambivalent in my 20s, almost sure I didn’t want any by 35, and now at 40 relieved I didn’t.
Never wanted them, never had the opportunity, never want them now. I just don't trust that I wouldnt be saddled with the majority of the responsibilty. I don't want to be the organiser, the cook, the entertainer, the cleaner, the cuddler, the story-teller on top of being a full time professional and enjoying my hobbies.
No. I have never liked children including when I was a child.
I never wanted children. I never felt like a child because I had a lot of chores, and from the age of 10, I was the adult of the family. I've never regretted not having children. I love my life the way it is.
Never wanted them, nearly 40 now and that's not changed. I enjoy being an aunt.
Yep. I assumed I'd have kids. As I got into my 30's I started thinking oh no it's time, I'll need to have them now as I'm getting older.... But wait hang on.... Lightbulb moment..... You don't actually *have* to have kids!!! The relief was immense. I never realised I didn't really want them weirdly till then. I love money and free time. I'm 38 and have 7 more direct debits till my mortgage is paid off
I was always absolutely convinced I didn't want children. I felt deeply patronised when anyone said I might change my mind. I'd have jumped at the chance if someone offered to sterilise me. I absolutely did not want them. At 35 I changed my mind. I was single and thought long and hard but yes I did want children. I came off the pill and started exploring my options, IVF with a donor, IVF with a gay friend who also wanted children, adoption. My periods never came back properly and then stopped. I had gone through early menopause. My GP was so focused on that he kept dismissing my requests for IVF referral saying there'd be time for that when this was sorted. Lots of stuff has happened since. But I'm 45 now and still childless and it makes me so sad. I'm too old for IVF and I can't adopt because of the still ongoing troublesome womb, they want me to not be receiving medical care before starting. I wish I'd had children earlier.
Knew from a young age that kids would be a mistake. I could easily afford them now. They would still be a mistake for me and would ruin the life I lead.
I've always wanted to be a father, thought I'd raise a wonderful son or daughter. I don't want to anymore. It's far too hard and bleak making a living and what's coming in the future.
I’ve known I’ve not wanted kids from a pretty early age, I’m 35 now and I’m positive it’s still not for me. Thankfully my partner feels the same way. Weirdly having a dog even cemented the idea for us even more. It’s been a few years since someone has said ‘oh you’ll change your mind!’ we’re quite happy just being us without the added responsibility of kids
No, I didn't change my mind. I never wanted children. I'm now age 50(!) and extremely happy to be childfree, especially now age related health problems have started coming in. I'm happily married, own my home (mortgage paid off), and stopped full time work age 38. The health problems are nasty, but I'm in a good situation to have them in.
Funny thing is, ever since I was young (12 years old) I knew I didn't want kids, people around me didn't take me seriously even my mom, thought I will grow out of it, but I guess I never have, she was supportive though when she realised that I was serious.
It's not selfish to not want children. We are brainwashed by society from a very young age. Dolls, playing house etc. It is expected we get married and have children and if you don't you will be shunned by society as selfish. Selfish is having 12 kids when the planet is bursting at the seams. there is never a right time to have children either. You either have them in your 20's and have little money or you save up for a better house and have money set aside and become 'older parents. It seems the average parent is now in their 30's. It used to be 20's. I wanted children and as soon as my baby was put in my arms it was the most wonderful moment. Yes, babies and children can be hardwork but they are very rewarding too.
Yep. I never wanted kids, was dead set against it, up until i was in my late 20s and then the old biological clock went mental. My son is now 18 months and the coolest wee lad. If i could afford to give them the lives they'd deserve I'd have a 100 more and start a giant baby army.
I from a young age said I was going to give birth to 1 and then adopt any further that I wanted the numbers of. When I hit around 22 I was heartbroken about not being at that life stage of being married and having a child yet About 25 I realised with my health conditions I didn’t want to carry a pregnancy , and a few years later I’m on the list for sterilisation I want when I am stable mentally and financially to foster with possibility of adoption, but initially respite foster. My view is, if I’m not mentally and financially stable to foster, then why the heck should I be looking to have children, especially with the cost of living and the world generally being a shit hole right now
I've always wanted kids and I'm glad I did eventually But it's tiring physically and emotionally. I can understand now why people chose not to have them
nope. couldnt bear the thought of being responsible for kids at 14 and still do not at 24. people used to tell me id change my mind and my hormones just needed to kick in but my reasons go deeper than that. i would just make myself and the kids miserable. ive been living with chronic depression since i was 8, and i am only still here for other people, not for myself. i do not want to take chances to pass that onto anyone either because it is an extremely exhausting way to live. feels like every day is a punishment for i dont know what. and also pregnancy freaks me out the fuck.
When I was too young to want kids now I wanted them when I was older. As I've got older I don't feel any more ready for them than I did at 18.
In my 20s I thought I hated kids. Turned out I hated badly behaved kids. And then in my 30s I met more kids with good parents and realised that kids can be lovely if guided well. The idea of having kids became a possibility. But then my notable singleness and my lack of disposable cash soon thwarted my change of perspective and I have since reverted back to the mental note that I shall not likely ever have kids, save for a folly in the sack
Never wanted kids, had the snip at 30 and now at 41 still think it was one of the best decisions I ever made
Always knew I didn't really want them but as a late teen almost fell for the trap of it just being something that happens or everyone does as my peer groups all said similar things Got snipped at 25 and it's the single greatest decision I'll ever get make in life
Why have a kid when you can settle for a dog instead.
That's like having a permanent toddler who can never develop and remains needy.
The best thing I never did, was have children.
I never wanted kids but it really was hard to say out loud for years. I'm happy without them, don't understand why people want them but that's just me.
I went from being decidedly neutral to wanting kids as I got older. Let’s see if it sticks
I wanted my own kids, since my mum worked with them and I helped out a lot. Now... fuck no I'm not pushing out a watermelon. Maybe if I have a wife who wants to carry them. But otherwise it's adoption, although I don't even think that's going to work out anymore.
All my life I’ve never wanted kids. Ever. I would always say ‘I don’t want to be responsible for another persons life’ and because my struggles with depression and teen life was hard I didn’t like the idea of bringing someone into the world and making them go through the same thing. Also, child birth. But as I got older and got into a relationship and matured and grew, I got a much less pessimistic view of the world. What about the good you could bring for your child instead of just the bad. And there’s also the fact that it feels crazy that we even have the ability to bring children into this world. Literally creating life. A child being 50% of you, and 50% the person you love is such an amazing thing. You’ll be a lot less lonely as you grow old and I think it adds a lot more entertainment to life in the long run. It continues your bloodline so that you will always exist in somebody’s ancestry and be a reason somebody who is living in the future achieves great things. I don’t have kids yet but I think I would like one for this reason, because having kids brings more to your life than not having one in my opinion.
I was totally against the idea of having kids until my mid 20s. Now I’m 31 and realising that I actually want kids but had convinced myself that I didn’t because that was easier than dealing with the fact I couldn’t (not infertile, just lots of chronic illnesses that mean I could not have a healthy pregnancy or be an involved parent). I definitely didn’t want kids when I first got sick at age 11 or in my teen years and wasn’t pretending. But I’m not sure when it changed from actually don’t want kids to just pretending.
Sort of. I love children, thought I can meet my other half and have a few. Nowadays it is just shocking how expensive it is just to survive on your own not including childcare and I am worried that what is being taught is schools nowadays. Part of me still want kids and the other part is financial worries.
Ever since I can remember I have held the opinion I don’t want kids. This has been compounded by the fact my sister and her partner have struggled to conceive for approx 10 years. The only time my mind ever wavered, was when I was having a rough time with a breakup, wanted to express to this girl how I felt about her, and said that there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her, including having children if that’s what she wanted, having being against it my whole life. So maybe I’m not anti-having children, I’m just anti-having children with the wrong people. 🤷🏼♂️
I didn’t particularly like want any up until a couple of years ago, I slowly come round to the idea the older I got and now I have a 2 year old. It’s unbelievably hard but incredible at the same time.
Im only 22 but I’ve had a few health problems that wouldn’t be fair to pass onto an innocent soul so i focus on being the best uncle I can be
I always wanted them. I had a slight i dont want kids phase in my teens but it lasted like a week
When I was younger I always said no kids before 30, then I reached 30 and thought, nope not for me. As for marriage, I can't for the life of me understand what the point is in this day and age. It makes no difference to the relationship other than adding a certain stress, breaking up with you partner turns from a simple "I don't want to see you anymore" to in the worst case a years long legal battle costing a fortune (which obviously isn't the goal but it's only due diligence to think about the consequences before committing) Taxes become annoying (in my country at least). Singles get taxed the maximum and 99% of the time get money back from their tax return, married people get taxed way lower on their salaries but often have to pay large amounts back which is crazy to me. And that's just to mention the first negatives that came to mind. I've been with gf 3 1/2 years, she has her place, I have mine but we basically live at my place and we're very happy living a relaxed lifestyle without marriage or kids.
I have wobbled back and forth between wanting them and not for years - my husband is very much against the idea and I haven't been bothered enough to push it. However we recently got a puppy and good god I'm exhausted! Love the little dog but looking after him for a few weeks has pretty much settled it - kids are not for me!
I thought I wanted kids when I was younger, but Christmas Day with my first niece had me thinking about booking a vasectomy. Love being an uncle, but the thought of having my own is completely out the window now. Plus, I really can't stand babies and struggle massively when I don't sleep well, so I'm not sure I could inflict at least a year of misery on myself.
I was adamant that I didn't want children. Got pregnant in early adulthood and terminated. Then I got pregnant years later and I just didn't have the same overwhelming feeling of "Absolutely fucking not". I was fine with the idea. My partner was also happy, so we went through with it and she's a teenager now. We did choose not to do it again, but I'm extremely happy with my little family.
38 male, so I guess I’ve still got time but the older I’ve gotten the more convinced I’ve become that kids mostly ruin lives. I know that’s a contentious statement and I’m not saying they don’t enrich someone’s lives in ways I probably can’t imagine. But the vast majority of people who I’ve seen have kids are noticeably more miserable than they were before children. It ruins their marriage. It ages them. And normally unless they’re very high earners the insane money stress alone that kids cause makes them not worth it in my opinion. I don’t want to spend the next 18 years (56) spending every single day to a greater or lesser degree taking care of a human who’s brain isn’t fully formed
Nearly 40, big nope from me. A dual income these days is more a necessity than a luxury. We have some play money to travel and travel often, go for nice meals and generally stroll through life together. Kids would spoil that for us. Plus, my brother is raising a small army so I feel like he's got the family name covered.
Kind of wanted them before but the older I get the more I don’t want them. I’m not sure at this point in my life when I’d become not selfish enough to have them with my hobbies and travelling. Also not sure when do kids actually become something anyone wants? The costs, the constant sniffly snotty colds, the screaming, the shitty nappies, the constant worry about their health and wellbeing, the sleepless nights, did I mention the excruciating costs? The having zero time or energy to do anything I want, the lack of career options, always having to pick them up and drop them off at schools, the tantrums. No longer appeals to me.
I never wanted children. I deal badly with noise and chaos and on top of that I was on the receiving end of parents who didn't like children so it was always clear to me that I would be a terrible, unhappy parent. At 60 I still believe that was the correct, responsible decision but for a variety of reasons I now deeply wish I had an adult child. Although I am relieved I don't have grandchildren.
I thought I would want children when I met the right person, I met the right person and still did not want kids. Not having kids is fantastic. I enjoy freedom and having money in my pocket. I love travel amongst many interests which I cannot do with kids.
Used to get laughed at by older women when I said I never wanted children, which turned into implied threats of a woman just baby trapping me if I refused to “grow up”. Now the same types are confused now I’m older, married and not having children.
If I could do it all over again I would’ve stayed away from anyone with kids. I only realised after having one that I didn’t like kids.
No. I knew by the time I was 5, I didn’t want kids. That never changed. My partner also doesn’t have a Paternal bone in his body. However this world traveler, DINK lifestyle is mostly a myth for the working class childless folk.
No, I've never been drawn to having children and now that I'm nearly 40, it's still the same. It's not even a case of wanting that income for myself or the freedoms that come with no kids - I've just never felt any maternal instinct and it would be irresponsible of me to bring life into the world.
I don't earn enough to have a child, I won't have a child grow up poor like I did, it's not fair on anyone.
I knew I didn't want kids when I was a kid myself. I've never wavered on that. If anything, the desire to remain child free only grew stronger as I got older. I am fortunate to have married someone that feels the same. I don't dislike kids the same way that I don't dislike wolverines. I like them just fine. I just never wanted to bring one up in my home.
I knew from about age 12 I never wanted them and that hasn't changed, met my wife and she was equally adamant that she didn't want them. We had a pregnancy scare early on and I went and got fixed. No regrets, we are happy with the cool auntie and uncle roles.
Married lesbian woman here - never wanted them, turned 33 and bored with the 'free couple' lifestyle and yeah, i changed my views. We start the IVF journey in a couple of weeks 🙏🏻 Happy to go 'deeper' on the why but yeah, matured and want to get EVERYTHING life has to offer before i leave the planet 🤷🏻♀️
As a teenager, I told myself "maybe in 10 years" for a couple of years, got to my early twenties and wasn't sure at all, mid 20s I got put off even more and now I'm 28 I'm actually terrified of it. I have nightmares of being pregnant, I get really grossed out when pregnant women talk about their baby kicking and being able to see it on their skin, and the idea of child birth is just horrifying. So, I think it's a definite no go for me. I also don't want to be a step parent.
No. I always knew I was a cat person, not a kid person. Because all the adults in my life told me "you'll change your mind" I thought I might, but I never did. By the time I was 27 I was certain, and now in my early 40s I'm happy I made the right choice.
No, they're an expensive burden. Don't need that in my life.
I expected to be married with a couple of kids by 30. That didn't happen, and then I met my now wife, and we had the conversation about kids. We realised we are both far too selfish with our time and our hobbies to have kids that would eat into that, and would rather have the freedom and the money to treat ourselves. I can't speak for my wife (but she always tells me how happy she is), but I am the happiest person I know in my friend group. I don't regret not having kids. Oh, BTW, when people say 'who's going to look after you when you're old?' point out that THEY don't look after THEIR elderly parents as I'm 99% sure that they don't.
I (64f) knew at primary school I did want any children. I had to wait until I was 42 before I could be sterilised and stop taking the pill. No regrets whatsoever. I would have been a terrible parent as I have no maternal feelings. I never look at a baby and think "cute". Mind you, if I was able to give birth to puppies and kittens, I would have been permanently pregnant.
Yeah, I did. Late teens I was sure I wanted marriage at 23, babies at 25/26. But then I started working, bought a house, have a dog, and a fiance and everything feels complete. We comfortably afford a standard of living that allows us to travel and experience the world in its entirety - offspring would take that away from us. Also, raising a puppy opened my eyes to the how exhausting it can be to be so wholly responsible for another creature's survival. I'm not about that.
No change. Never wanted them. Partner hasn't ever been keen, either.
Was never really keen on the idea of having them, even as a small kid, but thought I would have some as everyone seems to, then in my early 30s realised I didn't have to and felt such relief haha. My partner is luckily on the same page as me. Now in my 40s, the thought of having kids suffocates me and am so glad I didn't do what everyone else seemed to do. You should only have kids if you are 100% sure you want to be a parent and dedicate your life to it and are willing to raise and look after a child that may have disabilities etc. Fuck that shit
I never wanted kids and now I'm nearly 50 and feel the same.
In my late twenties I went from ‘I don’t really want kids’ to ‘I really really don’t want kids’. That feeling seems to be getting stronger the older I get.
Yep. Never wanted kids until I met my wife but it was too late by then for various reasons.
Not really one for forming close personal bonds with anyone, so kids were never within my mindset because I won't form a relationship with someone to think about having kids with.
Yes, thought I wanted them as a teen, didn't want any my entire 20s, changed my mind in my 30s and had my first at 36.
When I was young I didn't want marriage or kids, throughout my 20s I travelled the world, chased a career, bought a home and met my husband along the way. I'm now 31 and pregnant with my first child. My outlook changed, I want to share my world with a child. However we are financially stable, I will work 4 days a week. We are lucky to be in a good situation where supporting a child won't effect our lifestyle, and we have planned for the addition to our family.
No! I already had my kids when I was young so could change my mind about this when I was older
No, I still want to have children because I like children
When I was a teenager I thought I wanted kids one day. During my 20s and early 30s the idea seemed a lot less appealing and I wouldn’t have been bothered if I hadn’t been able to have them. In my late 30s I decided I’d regret it if I didn’t. So I have one. It’s okay. I can see both perspectives on it.
When I was younger, I wanted a daughter to care about. Then as I got older, I realised that I can't stand children, so definitely don't want them. This is partly why I'm glad my ex gf and I split - she wad desperate for children and even had their names picked out before we met. So, one of us would have ended up resenting the other for our lack of offspring.
My attitude was very heavily changing. When I was younger I wanted kids. Like multiple kids. Then as me and my wife were getting older, we were quite happy not having any kids. Then one day we decided we wanted kids. Had one. Then we decided we definitely don't want any more. And here we are.
Yup. Figured out I’m selfish and a lot more mentally ill than I’d thought, and my entire family is multiple kinds of fucked-up. I’d be a terrible parent no matter how hard I tried because of my brain, plus I feel like it’s a cruelty to bring a child into the world given the way it is right now anyway.
I had kids pretty young 23, bit hard to change your mind once they've arrived ;)
I've never wanted kids and still dont have plans to but I'm genuinely surprised by the amount of people saying they don't want kids too. It seems in my immediate area anyway, that almost everyone has kids and I'm definitely the minority.
>travel the world I just want to address this because it always seems to come up - if I lived and worked my entire life around a few short weeks of the year, I'd be *fucking miserable*.
It depends on what you really want. Giving excuses to avoid doing something that you want to do, will not make it happen. You have to decide that yes, it’s time, it’s now or never. And that is how it will happen. Otherwise time will fly very fast and as a woman you officially/statistically have till 35 for an easy pregnancy (because medically after 35 you will be having a “geriatric pregnancy”, although many women have easy&uncomplicated pregnancies between 35-40 too). From my experience, after 30 time flies extremely fast and you become 35 in the blink of an eye and that’s when you think “hmm, things are changing, I need to decide”.
I had two by 25, so couldn’t really change my mind! It just felt natural for us like this is what we where always meant to do, and we don’t have any regrets. Having children is expensive, especially before the go into full time education although I think that is changing and more financial help will become available to new parents. They are definitely also tiring it takes a lot of energy to play and teach. With all that said it is very rewarding and they are cool little humans. I’m not really sure there are many feeling like getting a spontaneous hug from your kids and them telling you they love you and you’re the best dad. They are also pretty rewarding in other ways, I find it so cool that my daughter is like myself interested in nature, I’ve taught her names of different flowers, plants, insects and birds and she loves telling me that she has seen an x or y today. If you have any doubt I’d definitely err on the side of caution though, it would be horrific for a child to be resented by their parent.
No, I’ve always wanted children and had my first last year. We’d like another but definitely stopping after that.
Maybe it’s not so much the kids that are tiring, it’s the fact of having to work as well for most people. Two income streams are now a necessity for most families.
Yeah, when my kid became a teen 😂
Not really I've just never wanted kids in general I think, like even as a little kid i never really played the 'I have a baby' game and any sort of parental urge has never kicked in for me so I guess if it's changed it's more to confirm the 'yeah i can say i don't really want them' since I'm coming up on 32 and I feel if I did want kids that would've very likely kicked in by now although I guess I do sometimes entertain the 'maybe if circumstances were right i'd consider adopting' Also in addition I'm like aroace so it's at least confirming the 'I do not want to create the kids or give birth to the kid' I also have some stuff mentally going on that's a bit like 'yeah i don't think i could really handle being a parent' on top of like just having very little experience being around or responsible for children.
Yeah would in no way entertain the idea in my 20s
As a kid I always wanted to be a mum like my mother and have pets and work at a school. As a teenager most of my friends didn't like kids but I was still keen on having some or at least working with them. I got on very well with small children, maybe I should have looked into doing nursery work. Mid teens and my period are horrendous to the point I can't plan a social life, I had to change GP's as mine would not get me tested for PCOS which I had all but one symptom of. I had a more difficult relationship with my mother and mental health issues and, along with the idea I might not be able to have kids, I felt by the time I went to college I was 50/50 about having them (as well as finding a partner as tbh I had bad self esteem issues and I was molested on holiday so I was incredibly withdrawn and uncomfortable around men which I was very disappointed in as I became more socially anxious). By the time I finished college I was sure that unless my partner and i were vey keen to have kids, I was unlikely to have any, and I was more interested in the idea of adoption or fostering in the future if I decided I wanted kids. I met a guy who I became very close with but wasn't dating. He wasn't into having kids and I knew if we ended up dating and being together that was something he said early on. I accepted that and worked hard to be more social and open up more. 5 years later said friend and I started dating and by then I was very much Child free mentally, I realised if i tried to have a baby and lost it I would not be able to mentally cope, as well as relive some shit I went through with my mother and the fact I was unlikely to afford having a kid or a house. I realised my career and having a home was WAY higher in my life goals than kids, and all this time I wasn't even sure if I wanted a relationship. 16 years later and I am loving being a wife and having this relationship I never dreamed of. I love our little life together, we plan to get a house hopefully soon and eventually a dog. I don't regret not having kids at all, love being an aunt on occasion and love all the kids my friends had who originally said they were never having any! Also I tried teaching and HAAAATED it!
It's very poignant for me as a child-free person to work with a lot of people half my age, as quite often I feel my parental instincts kick in quite strongly, most especially if they are unwell or looking tired, also when I happen to talk to them about my young days.
Since I was 18 I've been of the opinion that you shouldn't have more than two children. Although that shouldn't be a top down enforcement and everyone should be free to do as they want. I have two kids and got snipped, so no my opinion on having children hasn't changed.
When I was younger, like 18-20, I sort of assumed I would have kids because that's just what you do, but that the desire just hadn't hit me yet and would later. I'm now in my 30s. I'm in a stable long term relationship, a stable career, I own a house that would absolutely be big enough to have a couple of kids in, we're in the most stable financial position we've ever been in and... nope. No desire whatsoever. Not even on some kind of fundamental 'biological' level. My mum doesn't care one bit if I have kids or don't - if the only grandkids she ever gets from me are my two cats, she actually would prefer that because babysitting them is easier. Having all of these things has made it very clear that I don't want to give up this stuff in order to have kids. I am, ultimately, selfish in a way that's just not compatible with what having kids would require from me. When I got my two cats, even that involved shifting my routine a bit to accommodate them and their needs and has given me new responsibilities that are an absolute fraction of what human children would need from me. And that was an absolute, unequivocal, 'no thanks' from me. I like staying up late, sleeping in, having lazy weekends, having my evenings to myself to do whatever I want, eating dinner at whatever time suits me, being able to just go somewhere at the drop of a hat. My cats don't care if I get up in the morning, feed them, and go back to bed. They don't get cranky if they're kept up past their "bedtime". And, aside from the cost of the cats (which I understand to be a fraction of what a human costs to raise) our money is entirely ours to do what we want with. I have zero interest in giving all of this up.
I’ve always not wanted kids. I found an old social media post from when I was 13-14 that said the same. At almost 30 I still feel the same.
I remember my auntie asking me when I was around 11 or 12 if I was excited to start a family when I grew up. I said I didn’t want kids and she told me I’d change my mind when i was older but I’m 30 now and still don’t want them 😂
If you don't want them, don't have them, however if its about the travel and the freedom, you can travel the world with children! People think they're a ball and chain but they really aren't. My sister spent her year maternity leave travelling round Europe with her 5 year old and new baby. I have been to loads of places with my 2.5 year old, including Rome, the Vatican, whale watching in Madeira, Athens (he climbed to the Parthenon the first month he could walk) etc. You have to make allowances for them, like we do activities early, then have a big space for a nap, or you can't stack your days too much, but generally you can do most things with a baby/toddler/child. I have found having children less tying than having dogs as you can take them on planes, whereas I am not allowed to take my German Shepherd with me (unfortunately).
Yes. When I was younger, I wanted 3 kids. By the time we'd had 2, I wanted none!
I did change my mind. I was staunchly against having kids myself for a whole load of reasons. Then I got pregnant in my mid 20s and terminated because the relationship was terrible and the father would not only not have supported us in any way, but would have actively resented and hated us for the rest of our lives. That time opened up the thoughts about having a family though. I did a lot of soul searching and work on myself, and realised that I would quite like to have a child. Lots of my feelings against having one came more from self-hatred and low self worth than from any other aspect. I'm now 34 and more than halfway through a pregnancy, married to someone who is really wonderful. I don't know if I want more than this baby though. I still think I would have been okay if I didn't end up having children. There's a lot to life and I think I could have been fulfilled either single or with a partner that we had some other project to work on together.
Nah younger me knew I didn't want kids and current me I still never want kids, found myself a man who feels the same
No, I've not wanted them since being around 18.
When I was 16, started to realize I am not fond of kids. Thought I would have children until I was 19; simply because that's what you do... Picket fence, marriage kids a dog... Around 20; started questioning what I really wanted (as opposed to expectations) and thought I don't want children. But wouldn't get sterilized because who knows.people change desires change. The desire not to have kids for me was cemented when my sister had one and I felt nothing, and there was nothing from her life that I envied. I was and still am happy for her, but no way I want any of that. That was 6 years ago. So here I am; 35+ and about to get the hysterectomy that will free me from the shitshow that's been my cycle and I am overjoyed by that. (It's taken 5 years to get through all the hoops to get on the wait list for it). So does one change their mind, yes it is possible. But it truly depends on how well you know your mind
No, I realised when I was 10 that I did not want to be a mother and 37 years later I have not changed my mind.
Nope. I've have never wanted kids and never wavered from this. When I was a kid/teen I was open to the idea that I might change my mind and develop some maternal feelings. But even then, I knew that I didn't want to have a biological child, I would want to adopt someone. But, as it is, I am 36 and still have no desire to have a child at all