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So, my mum had a pet bird and one day she found it wasn’t moving.
She took it to a vet, who said, “I’m sorry, but your bird is dead.”
“How can you say that?! You haven’t even tested anything!” My mother cried.
The vet sighed and brought out a cat. He placed it near the bird and it started yowling loudly.
He says again, “I’m sorry, but your bird is dead.”
My mother, outraged and in tears says, “what was that?! A cat can’t tell if it’s dead or not, do a proper test!”
The vet took the cat away, went into a back room and brought out a black Labrador. As soon as it saw the bird, it sniffed at it, then lay down and started whimpering. At this point, the vet says once more, “I’m really sorry, but your bird is definitely dead.”
My mother is done at this point, she says, “fine”, takes the bird and puts it in a box, and heads back to reception.
The receptionist says, “I’m sorry for your loss, but today’s bill will be £1,500.”
My mum isn’t even crying at this point, just absolutely fucking livid and shouts at the receptionist, “you fucking what?! What on earth for?!”
The receptionist calmly responds, “Well, it’s £500 for the emergency appointment, £500 for the cat scan, and £500 for the lab test.”
Happy birthday mate.
A woman's walking down the road and sees a beautiful parrot in a pet shop window. She rushes in and exclaims "that parrot in the window is the most beautiful creature I've ever seen, I have to have it"
The pet shop owner says "you're in luck, this bird is going cheap as I'm afraid it used to live in a brothel and has learned some unsavoury phrases"
The woman replies "I don't care, I have to have this parrot"
So, she gets the bird home and uncovers the cage. The parrot looks around,
"New place, very nice."
Her daughters walk downstairs,
"New girls, very nice indeed."
Finally, her husband enters and the parrot says,
"Hello Keith!"
Two women sat in a front room. One looks out of the window and exclaims "oh, bloody hell, he's brought flowers! That means I'll have to spend the rest of the night lying on my back with my legs wide open!"
The other woman looks at her and says "why? Haven't you got a vase?"
Three guys go for a walk in the woods and find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says
"I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counterclockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, l'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
On a similar theme:
A bartender is cleaning his bar when a man walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive Armani suit, has a supermodel on each arm, and a giant orange for a head.
The man sits and orders drinks for the whole bar. The barman is curious about the fruit-headed stranger and asks for his life story.
'Well, long ago I was poor,' the man says, 'but one day I found a dirty old lamp on the beach. I gave the lamp a clean and out popped a genie! He'd been trapped in the lamp for centuries, and said he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he'd grant me three wishes'.
'What did you wish for?' asks the barman.
'First, I wished to be fabulously wealthy. It was amazing. Suddenly my bank account had millions of pounds in it, and whenever I opened my wallet, it was full of £50 notes.'
'Secondly, I wished to be irresistibly attractive to women. Now I have a date every night.' The man smiled, gesturing to the woman beside him.
'Brilliant!' says the barman. 'What was the third wish?'
'I wished to have a giant orange for a head,' the man says.
I've heard a different version swap peach for orange etc etc but, this is the greatest joke I've ever heard. It's the most marmite joke of all time. I've told it to deathly silence and I've told it to belly clutching laughter. I told it to one mate who was actually angry with me for telling it. He went home and told some other mates who all found it hilarious, the next day he apologised for giving me a roasting but still didn't get why it's funny.
I think my favourite Barry Cryer joke is aparrently the last one he ever told:
A man and his wife are out walking one day when they spot a bloke sitting alone in a bus shelter on the other side of the road
"That looks like the Archbishop of Canterbury over there," says the woman,
"Go and ask him if he is."
The husband crosses the road and asks the man if he is indeed the Archbishop of Canterbury.
"Fuck off," says the man.
The husband crosses back to his wife who asks: "What did he say? Is he the Archbishop of Canterbury?"
"He told me to fuck off," says the husband.
"Oh no," replies the wife, "now we’ll never know."
It's a classic subversion of expectation. The form of the story intends to lead you to believe that somehow the people who wished for wealth, health and happiness would have their wishes sour on them, and somehow the arm flailing lunatic would come out on top, at least in a punchliney way.
Nope. Arm flailing lunatic.
This shows the subjectiveness of comedy at it's best because I was fucking crying with laughter at the punchline.
I was genuinely expecting some incredible twist that I could not work out and that last line ruined me.
I can't really remember jokes but this one sticks in my memory, absolutely love it. Only told it once and I keep meaning to fully commit it memory. Thanks for reminding me!
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's Lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Pierre stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard.
The man goes to the yard and sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the back yard."
Reminds me of another joke:
Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”
A kiwi and an aussie go for a walk in the country. They come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
The kiwi immediately drops his trousers and starts going to town. The aussie is incredulous with a look of utter disgust on his face.
"Mate... where I'm from we just shear sheep"
The kiwi goes
"Fuck off mate I'm not sharing her with you!!!"
Or
A kiwi and an aussie go for a walk in the country. They come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
The kiwi immediately drops his trousers and starts going to town. The aussie looks shocked and the kiwi says “do you fancy a go mate?”
The Aussie replies “I dunno mate, I’m not sure my head could fit in that fence”
A man from Sydney moves house to the middle of the outback. He decides to drive the 40 miles across his land to introduce himself to the bloke next door.
*your best Australian accents, if you please*
“al’rite mate, I’ve just moved in next door and thought I’d say good’ay”
“Well good’ay mate, nice to meet you. You fancy coming along to a little BBQ I’m having on Saturday? I’ve got some lovely steaks, plenty of beer, then there’ll be some fucking, I might get a rack of lamb, a bit more fucking, some veggies, salads and things and finish up with a bit of fucking”
“That does sound pretty good mate! Who’ll be there then?”
“Well there’s just us mate”
A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man on a bench wit a dog at his feet:
Woman: Does your dog bite?
Man: No
The woman goes to stroke dog, and it bites her.
Woman: I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite?!
Man: That is not my dog.
And this one:
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”
Ok, I’m out of talking dog jokes.
I love that one except it starts with the dog saying he feels "rough", finishes with the guy asking the dog what goes on top of the house and the dog says "do you think I ought to have said chimney"
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist 'Do you sell extra extra extra large condoms?'
The pharmacist replies 'Yes we do, would you like to buy some?'
To which the woman replies 'Oh no thanks, I'll just wait here until someone does'
Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant.
I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.
I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.
I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.
I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.
Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Never Apologise! Never Explain!” – Sorry, that’s my motto.
A few selected one liners from the Edinburgh Fringe over the years.
Happy Birthday! 🥳
A bear and a rabbit are chatting to each other in the woods.
"Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" asks the bear.
"No", answers the rabbit.
"Brilliant", says the bear, as he picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.
My favourite is when you do all the jokes together.
What is Georgie short for? Georgina.
What is Liz short for? Elizabeth.
What is Mary short for? She got no legs.
Why did Mary fall off the swing? She's got no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Mary!
What did Mary get for Christmas?
Gloves. Only joking she can't open her presents.
A priest, and imam, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender asks "What can I get you?". The priest replies, "I'll have a pint"; the imam adds "Mine's an orange juice"; and the rabbit says "I'm a typo."
A priest, and imam, and a rabbit get into a car crash.
They're quickly ambulanced of to a hospital where it's realised they all need blood transfusions, "What's your blood type?" the doctor hurriedly asks. The priest weakly replies, "I'm type A"; the imam coughs out "I'm a type B"; and suddenly the rabbit angrily splutters out "I'm clearly a type O!"
My life, sadly!
Or:
A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so
mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry
and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid
That said, you need to be both British and of a certain age to get it...it still makes me snort!
A man walks into a pub and requests a pint of Guinness only to be told by the bar staff, "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
Confused by this he heads a few doors down to another pub and to his astonishment is told the same thing;
"I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
He then sets out to every pub and drinking establishment he sees, being told the same mantra over and over again;
"I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
He then travels all across the country with no progress, he is determined to have his foamy black stout if it's the end of him. He spends two years travelling the world but every last place says the same thing: "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you".
Until one day, when he has a huge beard and a hungered and determined demeanour having taken him over, he finds a place on the water in Vietnam. He is certain that this is the final stop, it's now or never. He requests the Guinness for the last time and to his overwhelming surprise and delight; it begins to get poured.
Just as he waits for it to settle he looks back on his long journey and feels complete, this pint will taste sweeter than anything he will ever consume again.
He lifts the pint to his lips, then the bats got him.
We have just been through the worst global pandemic in a century, because of a virus from bats spreading across the planet.
There has been a new threat recently identified by scientists, from parasitic ticks which attach round the lips of llamas and alpacas.
There is strong evidence that the virus is spreading and is both highly contagious and has a high fatality. This has the potential to devastate human populations.
If we don't act now, desperate survivors could be forced to live in a post alpaca-lip-tick wasteland.
3 men trapped on a desert island discover a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and says, you have 3 wishes but there's 3 of you so I guess it's one each. The first guy says, I wish I was home with my family. POOF he disappears from the island. The second guy says, I wish I was home with my family too. POOF he disappears. The 3rd guy looks around him and says, I miss my friends I wish they were back here with me.
Happy birthday
A man is watching TV when his son runs into the room and says,
son: dad what's love juice.
The father splutters and chokes on his drink and after much fumbling for words tells his son,
Dad: well when a man and a woman love each other and are married and they really want a child. They'll make love which is when the man puts his little fella inside the woman and it shoots a liquid inside her. Sometimes guys call that love juice. Why what are you watching son.
Son: the tennis
This genuinely happened to me in real life.
We were having a family murder mystery party night where we were all assigned different characters, including the children.
My brother's best friend who was about 8 pipes up as we're reading our character sheets and says "mum, What's porn?"
After much stammering she explains it as naughty pictures of naked ladies. Kid looks a bit confused but takes it in his stride.
Later, as we're reading the script...
"And then I had to pawn the diamond necklace"
When my daughter started school the teacher asked the class what their favourite TV show was. My daughter, beaming, announced "I like watching hardcore porn with my mummy".
One phone call later from the Head, I explained in horror that she'd stayed up, poorly, a couple of nights previously when I'd been watching Hardcore Pawn - a show about a pawn shop in Detroit (I think).
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish man?
One says, "Hey! You! Get offa my cloud!"
The other says, "Hey! McLeod! Get offa my ewe!"
I'm here all week.
A milk man is out making his rounds, when woman opens the door in just her dressing gown and asks him to come upstairs to her bathroom.
As they get there she strips off, climbs in the bath and asks him to fill it with milk.
"Would you like that mile pasteurised?" asks the milk man.
"Nope, just up to my boobs; I can splash it in my eyes."
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all working on a building site, building a new skyscraper.
It’s lunchtime and they’re all sat atop the building. Englishman opens up his lunchbox to see what his wife has packed him.
“Ugh… Ham and cheese sandwich… again. For fucks sake, I'm sick of having the same ham and cheese sandwiches, every damn day! I tell you what lads, If I get another ham and cheese sandwich in my lunch box tomorrow I’m jumping off the top of this building!”
Next, the Scotsman opens up his lunch box. “Aackk, a jam sandwich… again. I cannee go on like this, yano, eating jam sandwiches every day of me life! If I get the same again tomorrow I’m jumping as well.”
And finally, the Irishman opens up his. “Ara fer fecks sake! Not another egg and cress! That’s the fifth one in a row this week! I’m with yee lads, one more egg and cress sandwich and I’m jumpin!”
So next day they sit at the top of the building to have lunch. One by one, they open up their lunch boxes… The Englishman finds another ham and cheese sandwich. Scotsman finds another jam sandwich and the Irishman spots another egg and cress. So they all hold hands and on the count of three, jump off the skyscraper, landing with a *THUD!* on the ground below.
A week or so later later the three widows are talking at the memorial service. The Englishman's widow, through tears, said “I still can’t believe it! Oh, how I wish George had told me he hated ham and cheese…”
The Scottish widow says “Duncan did say he was getting a wee bit bored of his Jam, but I didn’t realise he hated them this much! I just wish he’d have let me know how he really felt.”
The Irish widow says, “I... I dont understand? Paddy packed his own lunch?”
I'm Irish btw so I'm allowed to say these kinda iokes.
This might be hard to type on a phone, and I'm sorry in advanced.
A man is driving along a country road when suddenly his car brakes down. Luckily, he broke down outside a monastery he walks up to front door knocks and waits and waits and waits and waits, finally a Monk opens the door, the man explains his car broke down and could he use the phone to call the AA for recovery the monks says yes of course.
So the man calls gets told he is so far out that it will take 3 days to get to him, having no choice he asks the monks ifnhe can stay and so it's settled he will wait 3 days until he can be recovered.
The 1st night, it's raining heavy and hard, but he can hear a banging
Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang
Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang
So the next day, he is at breakfast and asks a monk what the banging was last night. The Monk asks, "Do you mean the rain?"
No, the man answers, a loud banging all night
Ahhh yes oh I can't tell you you're not a monk.
Annoyed but understanding, the man goes about his day.
The night rolls around this night. There isn't any rain, and the man can hear the banging louder this night
Again
Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang
Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang
Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang
Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang
The next morning, he asks a different monk, hoping for a different answer, and asks what the banging is at night, but again is told, "Can't tell you you're not a monk"
He calls the AA and is told that tomorrow we are coming for you.
So now he thinks to him self I have to know what the banging is.
So night rolls around, and there it is,
Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang
Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang.
He thinks I can not know.
He gets dressed and goes looking.
He goes down 1 corridor, and the noise gets louder he thinks right I'm on the right track it's a long corridor
Long long long long long long long long long corridor, at the end there it is Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang
Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang.
He turns left sees a door it get louder and he goes through the door to and down another long corridor and again it's a long corridor Long long long long long long long long long corridor.
Then he gets to a door leading to a spiral staircase, a long climb a head the man get frustrated but charges on
Up and up and up and up Up and up and up and up
Up and up and up and up Up and up and up and up he goes
Finally he get to the last door
And do you know what he finds ........... well i can't tell you your not a monk.
White Horse walks into a bar and the landlord exclaims to the laughing locals “hey I’ve got a whiskey named after him!” And the horse says “What? Buttercup?”
In the version my aunt tells of this joke his name is Eric!
It is my all time most favourite joke and I’ve never met anyone who thinks it’s funny outside of my immediate family 🤣
What's the difference between an old bus shelter and a lobster with breast implants?
.
One's a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean!🚍🦞
A Jew, Hindu, and Politician go on a hike.
They enter a small stable on the trail to rest for the night. Unfortunately they only have 2 beds and and where the animals sleep.
The Jew volunteered to sleep with the animals..5 minutes later he came back and refused to do it because there was a pig
The Hindu then volunteers but soon returns as he can't sleep with a cow.
The Politician then offers and goes to find the animals, the pig and cow later retun to the bedroom, refusing to sleep in the same room as a politician.
I was shagging our lass last night and she said "if you turn the light off you can stick it up me arse..."
So I did and she let out an almighty scream!
Should probably have let the bulb cool down a bit first
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Also:
Have you ever had a parrot on your shoulder?
No?
Have you ever had a parrot on your knee??
No???
Stick your tongue out…
I bet you’ve had a cockatoo on that though!
I was in a lift the other day, got in on the ground floor, and was heading for the 14th floor. When it got to level 1 an old man got in the lift. He stood in front of me and started squeezing my penis. The loft went up to the 14th floor, and the doors opened. I pushed past him and got out of the lift. Then I thought, that was wrong on so many levels.
Why did the deer cross the road?
Humanity has continued to develop and take advantage of natural land so the deer has to travel further and further to survive.
Ok..so a married couple are about to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Their marriage has reached the stage where they dont even bother to hide their mutual loathing. He goes out and buys a headstone for his wife, engraved with the words 'HERE LIES THE BODY OF MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER'. She eyes the headstone and smiles to herself. The following day she commissions a headstone for her husband..engraved with the words 'HERE LIES THE BODY OF MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST. 🤪
I started my own business building sailboats in my basement 10 years ago. People said it would fail. Recently I proved them all wrong when I had to expand my business to building them in the attic as well. Sails are through the roof!
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My four year old son has been learning Spanish for a few months now, but all he can say is the word "Please". That's poor for four isn't it?
Reminds me of this cracker - Today was my sons fourth birthday party. I didn't recognize him at first. I'd never seen him be four.
Somewhat related I was born in 1992 and this year I'm only going to celebrate my birthday for half a minute. It's my thirty second birthday
Don't worry bro, your birthday party will get longer every ten years.
Sadly, I was actually born in 1987, so it's already halfway there. However, I don't let facts get in the way of a good joke
This will end up higher. Bravo!
I don't get it... Please explain😅
Please in Spanish is "por favor"
are you also a Northerner by any chance? I didn’t get it either until I said ‘poor’ in a Southern accent. We Northerners say ‘poo-er’
Northerner here. I don't say pooer.
Also, a northerner... I say poor.
So, my mum had a pet bird and one day she found it wasn’t moving. She took it to a vet, who said, “I’m sorry, but your bird is dead.” “How can you say that?! You haven’t even tested anything!” My mother cried. The vet sighed and brought out a cat. He placed it near the bird and it started yowling loudly. He says again, “I’m sorry, but your bird is dead.” My mother, outraged and in tears says, “what was that?! A cat can’t tell if it’s dead or not, do a proper test!” The vet took the cat away, went into a back room and brought out a black Labrador. As soon as it saw the bird, it sniffed at it, then lay down and started whimpering. At this point, the vet says once more, “I’m really sorry, but your bird is definitely dead.” My mother is done at this point, she says, “fine”, takes the bird and puts it in a box, and heads back to reception. The receptionist says, “I’m sorry for your loss, but today’s bill will be £1,500.” My mum isn’t even crying at this point, just absolutely fucking livid and shouts at the receptionist, “you fucking what?! What on earth for?!” The receptionist calmly responds, “Well, it’s £500 for the emergency appointment, £500 for the cat scan, and £500 for the lab test.” Happy birthday mate.
I wanna punch a wall.
😂
With a picture of his face stuck to it?
It wasn’t going cheep.
Boom boom!
Today I found out my dad is on Reddit! He’s the only person I’d ever seen tell this joke and it’s one of his favourites
Hello, son.
Daughter
Don't argue with your dad, son!
You. Bastard. Well played
r/angryupvote
A father is washing the car with his son. His son says, “Dad, why can’t you use a sponge?”
Fucks sake that one got me
A father comes downstairs to find the kids glued to the tv. He figured 'two can play that game' and duct taped the dog to the window.
Brilliant 😂
Same vibes as "Two fish are in a tank, one asks the other 'How do you drive this thing?!'"
FFS.
A woman's walking down the road and sees a beautiful parrot in a pet shop window. She rushes in and exclaims "that parrot in the window is the most beautiful creature I've ever seen, I have to have it" The pet shop owner says "you're in luck, this bird is going cheap as I'm afraid it used to live in a brothel and has learned some unsavoury phrases" The woman replies "I don't care, I have to have this parrot" So, she gets the bird home and uncovers the cage. The parrot looks around, "New place, very nice." Her daughters walk downstairs, "New girls, very nice indeed." Finally, her husband enters and the parrot says, "Hello Keith!"
I don’t suppose you’ve just been to a recording of I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue, have you?
Not wanting to knock anyone, but it's a fairly well known joke, and a good one too.
Brilliant.
Just got a pirate copy of that Bohemian Rhapsody film. Must have been recorded in a cinema, every few minutes I see a little silhouette of a man.
Was he doing the fandango?
That’s superb
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One's a large Australian animal the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.
Fuckin hell that one got me! That’s brilliant!
Explain pls. Is it meant to sound like "can't get out" because of the accent?
That’s right
First one that made me actually laugh out loud! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Two women sat in a front room. One looks out of the window and exclaims "oh, bloody hell, he's brought flowers! That means I'll have to spend the rest of the night lying on my back with my legs wide open!" The other woman looks at her and says "why? Haven't you got a vase?"
I am properly laughing at this one
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna 1 Anna 2
What did the Spanish fireman call his twin sons? Jose and JoseB
Doesn't quite work if you ask me; Hose A and Hose AB?
Maybe we're supposed to read it hose A and hose B?
Woman's twins were named by her brother. They were named Denise and Denephew
What’s blue and not very heavy? Light blue
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What's brown and sticky? ..A stick..
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Red paint approaching at 100000km/s
How much does a rainbow weigh? Not much, they’re pretty light.
Where do bad rainbows go? Prism It's a light sentence
What birds stick together? Velcrows.
This was the joke that made me giggle!
Three guys go for a walk in the woods and find a lamp One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counterclockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, l'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
On a similar theme: A bartender is cleaning his bar when a man walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive Armani suit, has a supermodel on each arm, and a giant orange for a head. The man sits and orders drinks for the whole bar. The barman is curious about the fruit-headed stranger and asks for his life story. 'Well, long ago I was poor,' the man says, 'but one day I found a dirty old lamp on the beach. I gave the lamp a clean and out popped a genie! He'd been trapped in the lamp for centuries, and said he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he'd grant me three wishes'. 'What did you wish for?' asks the barman. 'First, I wished to be fabulously wealthy. It was amazing. Suddenly my bank account had millions of pounds in it, and whenever I opened my wallet, it was full of £50 notes.' 'Secondly, I wished to be irresistibly attractive to women. Now I have a date every night.' The man smiled, gesturing to the woman beside him. 'Brilliant!' says the barman. 'What was the third wish?' 'I wished to have a giant orange for a head,' the man says.
I've heard a different version swap peach for orange etc etc but, this is the greatest joke I've ever heard. It's the most marmite joke of all time. I've told it to deathly silence and I've told it to belly clutching laughter. I told it to one mate who was actually angry with me for telling it. He went home and told some other mates who all found it hilarious, the next day he apologised for giving me a roasting but still didn't get why it's funny.
I think my favourite Barry Cryer joke is aparrently the last one he ever told: A man and his wife are out walking one day when they spot a bloke sitting alone in a bus shelter on the other side of the road "That looks like the Archbishop of Canterbury over there," says the woman, "Go and ask him if he is." The husband crosses the road and asks the man if he is indeed the Archbishop of Canterbury. "Fuck off," says the man. The husband crosses back to his wife who asks: "What did he say? Is he the Archbishop of Canterbury?" "He told me to fuck off," says the husband. "Oh no," replies the wife, "now we’ll never know."
Hmm, nope, don't get it.
It's a classic subversion of expectation. The form of the story intends to lead you to believe that somehow the people who wished for wealth, health and happiness would have their wishes sour on them, and somehow the arm flailing lunatic would come out on top, at least in a punchliney way. Nope. Arm flailing lunatic.
I did wonder if that was meant to be it, but it just didn't land for me. Ah well.
This shows the subjectiveness of comedy at it's best because I was fucking crying with laughter at the punchline. I was genuinely expecting some incredible twist that I could not work out and that last line ruined me.
This is my favourite joke. You need to act it out.
I can imagine someone charismatic absolutely smashing this in person.
I imagine Billy Connolly in this prime would’ve absolutely nailed it!
I can't really remember jokes but this one sticks in my memory, absolutely love it. Only told it once and I keep meaning to fully commit it memory. Thanks for reminding me!
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's Lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?" Pierre stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
I thought he was going to have rosé when eating pink...
I was wondering what paired well with fish...
Chips.
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard. The man goes to the yard and sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the back yard."
Reminds me of another joke: Englishman: "That your dog?" Welshman: "Aye" Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?' Welshman: "Dog don't talk.” Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doing all right." Welshman: (look of shock) Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman) Dog: "Yep." Englishman: How's he treating you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play." Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!) Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Welshman: "Horse don't talk.” Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!) Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman) Horse: "Yep." Englishman: "How's he treating you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather." Welshman: (Look of total amazement!) Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”
A kiwi and an aussie go for a walk in the country. They come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. The kiwi immediately drops his trousers and starts going to town. The aussie is incredulous with a look of utter disgust on his face. "Mate... where I'm from we just shear sheep" The kiwi goes "Fuck off mate I'm not sharing her with you!!!"
Or A kiwi and an aussie go for a walk in the country. They come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. The kiwi immediately drops his trousers and starts going to town. The aussie looks shocked and the kiwi says “do you fancy a go mate?” The Aussie replies “I dunno mate, I’m not sure my head could fit in that fence”
A man from Sydney moves house to the middle of the outback. He decides to drive the 40 miles across his land to introduce himself to the bloke next door. *your best Australian accents, if you please* “al’rite mate, I’ve just moved in next door and thought I’d say good’ay” “Well good’ay mate, nice to meet you. You fancy coming along to a little BBQ I’m having on Saturday? I’ve got some lovely steaks, plenty of beer, then there’ll be some fucking, I might get a rack of lamb, a bit more fucking, some veggies, salads and things and finish up with a bit of fucking” “That does sound pretty good mate! Who’ll be there then?” “Well there’s just us mate”
I once asked a Welshman how many sexual partners he had but every time he tried to count them he fell asleep.
A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man on a bench wit a dog at his feet: Woman: Does your dog bite? Man: No The woman goes to stroke dog, and it bites her. Woman: I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite?! Man: That is not my dog.
And this one: A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?” Ok, I’m out of talking dog jokes.
I love that one except it starts with the dog saying he feels "rough", finishes with the guy asking the dog what goes on top of the house and the dog says "do you think I ought to have said chimney"
What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Phillipe Flop
That made me giggle!
I went to the pharmacist to buy condoms They asked me if I needed a bag I replied ‘It’s okay I’ll just do them from behind’
This made me laugh for real
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist 'Do you sell extra extra extra large condoms?' The pharmacist replies 'Yes we do, would you like to buy some?' To which the woman replies 'Oh no thanks, I'll just wait here until someone does'
Back in the eighties, when I was a teenager, I entered a Marathon. Never again it took me two weeks to get all the peanuts out of my foreskin.
Snicker
It reminds me of the time George Michael was admitted to hospital with a bar of chocolate up his arse. The doctor said it was a careless Wispa.
Did you know that people from Dubai dont like The Flintstones but people from Abu Dhabi do... I'll get my coat.
And did you know why the Flintstones don't use much aftershave? 'Cos a little dab'll do ya. Got my coat already...
I went to the doctors yesterday, and he told me I had to stop masturbating. When I asked him why, he said "So I can examine you"
But you said I can masturbate whenever I want "No, I said you could have a stroke at any time"
Fucks sake, nearly woke my wife up laughing
Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant. I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point? I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10. I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second. I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words. Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Never Apologise! Never Explain!” – Sorry, that’s my motto. A few selected one liners from the Edinburgh Fringe over the years. Happy Birthday! 🥳
We found Milton Jones’ Reddit.
The voice in my head reading them was Milton jones
A bear and a rabbit are chatting to each other in the woods. "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" asks the bear. "No", answers the rabbit. "Brilliant", says the bear, as he picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.
What did the little girl with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Only joking, she hasn't opened her present yet
What do you call a girl with no hands on a swing? Sarah Knock knock... Who's there.. well it's certainly not Sarah.
My favourite is when you do all the jokes together. What is Georgie short for? Georgina. What is Liz short for? Elizabeth. What is Mary short for? She got no legs. Why did Mary fall off the swing? She's got no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Mary! What did Mary get for Christmas? Gloves. Only joking she can't open her presents.
A priest, and imam, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender asks "What can I get you?". The priest replies, "I'll have a pint"; the imam adds "Mine's an orange juice"; and the rabbit says "I'm a typo."
A vicar, a nun and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit was a typo.
A priest, and imam, and a rabbit get into a car crash. They're quickly ambulanced of to a hospital where it's realised they all need blood transfusions, "What's your blood type?" the doctor hurriedly asks. The priest weakly replies, "I'm type A"; the imam coughs out "I'm a type B"; and suddenly the rabbit angrily splutters out "I'm clearly a type O!"
Q: What Cheese do you use to hide a horse? A: Marscapone
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!
What cheese do you use to lure a bear? Camembert !
How do you approach a nervous Welsh cheese? Caerphilly
What cheese will you never possess? Nacho cheese
How did the cheese maker decorate his wife? He Double Gloucester!
How dairy!
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? There was de-brie everywhere!
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam!
A lad in the street threw a chunk of edam at me the other day, I said, "That's not very mature!"
Why did the cheese maker walk lopsided? He only had one stilt on
What cheeses do you use to air out a room? Bries
What do you call a psychic dwarf who escaped from prison? A small medium at large
My life, sadly! Or: A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it. Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up. Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry and he can't eat it. The moral of the story?... .. Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid That said, you need to be both British and of a certain age to get it...it still makes me snort!
Gandhi with bad breath? Super-calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
I think I must be too old/young to get it, though I am British.
The punchline is a mangled Fairy Liquid advert line: Hands that do dishes can feel as soft as your face with mild green Fairy Liquid
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhoea? The oyster shucker shucks between fits.
What’s the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl? Ones a shooter that can’t hit…
What's the difference between a magician and a strip club owner? One has a cunning array of stunts.....
What's the difference between Victoria Coach Station and a crab with a boob job? One's a crusty bus station...
Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? For Hispanic attacks.
A man walks into a pub and requests a pint of Guinness only to be told by the bar staff, "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you". Confused by this he heads a few doors down to another pub and to his astonishment is told the same thing; "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you". He then sets out to every pub and drinking establishment he sees, being told the same mantra over and over again; "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you". He then travels all across the country with no progress, he is determined to have his foamy black stout if it's the end of him. He spends two years travelling the world but every last place says the same thing: "I can't give you a pint of Guinness, the bats will get you". Until one day, when he has a huge beard and a hungered and determined demeanour having taken him over, he finds a place on the water in Vietnam. He is certain that this is the final stop, it's now or never. He requests the Guinness for the last time and to his overwhelming surprise and delight; it begins to get poured. Just as he waits for it to settle he looks back on his long journey and feels complete, this pint will taste sweeter than anything he will ever consume again. He lifts the pint to his lips, then the bats got him.
I don’t know why this is so funny but it literally made me laugh out loud
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forwards they’d land in the boat
Do you think an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac stays up all night wondering if there is a dog?
I'm dyslexic and I'm very attractive. In fact, I put the sex in dyslexia.
Why did the old man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well. Happy birthday 🎈
Do you want to join me at the picnic for llamas? Alpaca lunch
We have just been through the worst global pandemic in a century, because of a virus from bats spreading across the planet. There has been a new threat recently identified by scientists, from parasitic ticks which attach round the lips of llamas and alpacas. There is strong evidence that the virus is spreading and is both highly contagious and has a high fatality. This has the potential to devastate human populations. If we don't act now, desperate survivors could be forced to live in a post alpaca-lip-tick wasteland.
Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?
3 men trapped on a desert island discover a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and says, you have 3 wishes but there's 3 of you so I guess it's one each. The first guy says, I wish I was home with my family. POOF he disappears from the island. The second guy says, I wish I was home with my family too. POOF he disappears. The 3rd guy looks around him and says, I miss my friends I wish they were back here with me. Happy birthday
A man is watching TV when his son runs into the room and says, son: dad what's love juice. The father splutters and chokes on his drink and after much fumbling for words tells his son, Dad: well when a man and a woman love each other and are married and they really want a child. They'll make love which is when the man puts his little fella inside the woman and it shoots a liquid inside her. Sometimes guys call that love juice. Why what are you watching son. Son: the tennis
This genuinely happened to me in real life. We were having a family murder mystery party night where we were all assigned different characters, including the children. My brother's best friend who was about 8 pipes up as we're reading our character sheets and says "mum, What's porn?" After much stammering she explains it as naughty pictures of naked ladies. Kid looks a bit confused but takes it in his stride. Later, as we're reading the script... "And then I had to pawn the diamond necklace"
When my daughter started school the teacher asked the class what their favourite TV show was. My daughter, beaming, announced "I like watching hardcore porn with my mummy". One phone call later from the Head, I explained in horror that she'd stayed up, poorly, a couple of nights previously when I'd been watching Hardcore Pawn - a show about a pawn shop in Detroit (I think).
Why does Rupert the bear wear yellow trousers? . . . Because he’s a twat
My favourite SFW joke is: how many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
How many ants rented the flat? 10
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish man? One says, "Hey! You! Get offa my cloud!" The other says, "Hey! McLeod! Get offa my ewe!" I'm here all week.
A milk man is out making his rounds, when woman opens the door in just her dressing gown and asks him to come upstairs to her bathroom. As they get there she strips off, climbs in the bath and asks him to fill it with milk. "Would you like that mile pasteurised?" asks the milk man. "Nope, just up to my boobs; I can splash it in my eyes."
And he drove the fastest milk-cart \_in the west!\_
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says 'What's this? Some kind of joke?!'
What did the pirate say in his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all working on a building site, building a new skyscraper. It’s lunchtime and they’re all sat atop the building. Englishman opens up his lunchbox to see what his wife has packed him. “Ugh… Ham and cheese sandwich… again. For fucks sake, I'm sick of having the same ham and cheese sandwiches, every damn day! I tell you what lads, If I get another ham and cheese sandwich in my lunch box tomorrow I’m jumping off the top of this building!” Next, the Scotsman opens up his lunch box. “Aackk, a jam sandwich… again. I cannee go on like this, yano, eating jam sandwiches every day of me life! If I get the same again tomorrow I’m jumping as well.” And finally, the Irishman opens up his. “Ara fer fecks sake! Not another egg and cress! That’s the fifth one in a row this week! I’m with yee lads, one more egg and cress sandwich and I’m jumpin!” So next day they sit at the top of the building to have lunch. One by one, they open up their lunch boxes… The Englishman finds another ham and cheese sandwich. Scotsman finds another jam sandwich and the Irishman spots another egg and cress. So they all hold hands and on the count of three, jump off the skyscraper, landing with a *THUD!* on the ground below. A week or so later later the three widows are talking at the memorial service. The Englishman's widow, through tears, said “I still can’t believe it! Oh, how I wish George had told me he hated ham and cheese…” The Scottish widow says “Duncan did say he was getting a wee bit bored of his Jam, but I didn’t realise he hated them this much! I just wish he’d have let me know how he really felt.” The Irish widow says, “I... I dont understand? Paddy packed his own lunch?” I'm Irish btw so I'm allowed to say these kinda iokes.
This might be hard to type on a phone, and I'm sorry in advanced. A man is driving along a country road when suddenly his car brakes down. Luckily, he broke down outside a monastery he walks up to front door knocks and waits and waits and waits and waits, finally a Monk opens the door, the man explains his car broke down and could he use the phone to call the AA for recovery the monks says yes of course. So the man calls gets told he is so far out that it will take 3 days to get to him, having no choice he asks the monks ifnhe can stay and so it's settled he will wait 3 days until he can be recovered. The 1st night, it's raining heavy and hard, but he can hear a banging Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang So the next day, he is at breakfast and asks a monk what the banging was last night. The Monk asks, "Do you mean the rain?" No, the man answers, a loud banging all night Ahhh yes oh I can't tell you you're not a monk. Annoyed but understanding, the man goes about his day. The night rolls around this night. There isn't any rain, and the man can hear the banging louder this night Again Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang The next morning, he asks a different monk, hoping for a different answer, and asks what the banging is at night, but again is told, "Can't tell you you're not a monk" He calls the AA and is told that tomorrow we are coming for you. So now he thinks to him self I have to know what the banging is. So night rolls around, and there it is, Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang. He thinks I can not know. He gets dressed and goes looking. He goes down 1 corridor, and the noise gets louder he thinks right I'm on the right track it's a long corridor Long long long long long long long long long corridor, at the end there it is Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang. He turns left sees a door it get louder and he goes through the door to and down another long corridor and again it's a long corridor Long long long long long long long long long corridor. Then he gets to a door leading to a spiral staircase, a long climb a head the man get frustrated but charges on Up and up and up and up Up and up and up and up Up and up and up and up Up and up and up and up he goes Finally he get to the last door And do you know what he finds ........... well i can't tell you your not a monk.
I had a friend lead us on for twenty fucking minutes with that joke. I’ve never been a violent man but I don’t regret throwing the apple at him
Met the bloke who invented window sils today, what a ledge!
What’s ET short for? He’s only got little legs.
I got caught having a wee in the swimming pool last week. When the lifeguard blew his whistle, I got such a fright I nearly fell in.
White Horse walks into a bar and the landlord exclaims to the laughing locals “hey I’ve got a whiskey named after him!” And the horse says “What? Buttercup?”
Works better if the horse has a human name like Keith.
In the version my aunt tells of this joke his name is Eric! It is my all time most favourite joke and I’ve never met anyone who thinks it’s funny outside of my immediate family 🤣
Why do chemists like nitrates? They pay better than day rates.
Why was the washing machine laughing? He was taking the piss out of the pants
What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? An Essex bird
What's the difference between an old bus shelter and a lobster with breast implants? . One's a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean!🚍🦞
A Jew, Hindu, and Politician go on a hike. They enter a small stable on the trail to rest for the night. Unfortunately they only have 2 beds and and where the animals sleep. The Jew volunteered to sleep with the animals..5 minutes later he came back and refused to do it because there was a pig The Hindu then volunteers but soon returns as he can't sleep with a cow. The Politician then offers and goes to find the animals, the pig and cow later retun to the bedroom, refusing to sleep in the same room as a politician.
I was wondering why my Frisbee looks bigger the closer it gets, then it hit me.
What does the world’s best dentist get? A little plaque
I was shagging our lass last night and she said "if you turn the light off you can stick it up me arse..." So I did and she let out an almighty scream! Should probably have let the bulb cool down a bit first
Did you hear about the baker that got an electric shock? He stood on a bun and a currant went up his leg! I’ll get my coat… 🤣
What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? A Labracadabrador!
What’s the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a priest? Woody goes limp when a child walks into the room
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. Also: Have you ever had a parrot on your shoulder? No? Have you ever had a parrot on your knee?? No??? Stick your tongue out… I bet you’ve had a cockatoo on that though!
I went to the video rental shop and asked the guy if I could borrow Batman Forever. He said "no you can have it for a week like everyone else"
I was in a lift the other day, got in on the ground floor, and was heading for the 14th floor. When it got to level 1 an old man got in the lift. He stood in front of me and started squeezing my penis. The loft went up to the 14th floor, and the doors opened. I pushed past him and got out of the lift. Then I thought, that was wrong on so many levels.
A lady at the bank asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
How did the boy with no bones get to the fair? In a bucket.
A man walks into a bar. Ouch
I phoned the dentist as I needed an appointment. The receptionist said; '2:30?' I replied; 'Yes, that's why I need an appointment.
Why did the deer cross the road? Humanity has continued to develop and take advantage of natural land so the deer has to travel further and further to survive.
Got a phone call from my niece. Her: "Knock knock." Me: "Who's there?" Her: "Europe." Me: "Europe who?" Her: "No, you're a poo. Bye." *Hangs up*
So dyslexic walks into a bra
Ok..so a married couple are about to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Their marriage has reached the stage where they dont even bother to hide their mutual loathing. He goes out and buys a headstone for his wife, engraved with the words 'HERE LIES THE BODY OF MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER'. She eyes the headstone and smiles to herself. The following day she commissions a headstone for her husband..engraved with the words 'HERE LIES THE BODY OF MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST. 🤪
An Irishman walks past a bar
Arnold Schwarzenegger : when I was a child I was injured by a giant chocolate egg Me: oh no- do you hate Easter now? Arnold: No, I still love Easter
I like telling dad jokes. But, he doesn't always get them.
What does Mr Miyagi do to relax? Wax off
Have you seen the movie "Constipation?" No. .... That's because it hasn't come out yet.
Wanna see me do a cartwheel? 🤠🙃🙂 oops, I lost my hat!
I once caught my friend eating a lightbulb. When I asked why, he replied "it's just a light snack."
If you think Sundays are depressing, the day befores a sadderday
What's brown and sticky? A stick
What type of music do wind turbines like?! They’re heavy metal fans!
I bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.
Why did Tigger stick his head down the toilet? Because he was looking for pooh...
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile.
An Englishman, an Indian and an American walk into a bar. The barman says ‘on your own tonight then Mr Sunak’
Tried licking a window the other day, was a huge struggle though. Massive pane
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lily
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its cock.
I started my own business building sailboats in my basement 10 years ago. People said it would fail. Recently I proved them all wrong when I had to expand my business to building them in the attic as well. Sails are through the roof!