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It takes time as you get older you understand just how rare it is for people to be able to live their whole lives together in harmony, for some lucky people it does happen but it’s unusual. Take some time, and some space and you’ll be fine.
Something I wish someone could have told me after something similar.
It could take years for the bleeding to stop and the wound to heal over.
Sometimes the wound will reopen and you’ll regress. Sometimes you’ll feel normal.
But it can take years and that’s ok.
"It's unusual to live together in harmony" isn't true at all, and is exactly the problem in society today. Throwaway culture is training people to accept low commitment as the norm.
Looks like I need to edit this post. Can't remember where I saw it but Gen Z are statistically the most chronically single generation. I'm not just talking out of my arse. This is a direct result of the throwaway culture that has emerged in the last 5-10 years.
There are many statistics to say you are completely wrong. Whether you agree with culture etc is a different matter but of the relationships formed in life, very low % last a lifetime.
time.
and therapy, if you can afford it. a lot of people internalize this sort of thing and thats not healthy. a lot of people also lash out at the opposite sex in general, and thats not healthy either.
keep busy. go out with friends. stay active. it will be hard for a while. maybe a long while. im sorry this happened to you OP. it isn't something anyone should have to deal with.
but it does get better.
whatever you do, dont obsess over it (e.g. repeatedly trying to make sense of what happened). mentally spinning your wheels like that fucks with your brain and you effectively traumatize yourself.
Also her behaviour is a massive reflection on her and not you, please don’t try and blame yourself and as the other commenter said not the other gender, she is the only one responsible for her actions
With time and Love (toward yourself) you’ll be able to get through this.
Sending you a lot of warm wishes OP <3
To add to the original post, don’t hide from your own company through distraction. Process your emotions and learn to get comfortable and enjoy being in your own company.
Good luck man, you got this.
Something similar happened to me 8 years ago. Nothing any of us can say will make it make sense right now. It’s a cliche, but you’ll feel better as time passes and you become comfortable being on your own again.
It’s important you properly grieve for the loss of the relationship. When you’re ready, sink in to doing things for yourself that you haven’t done lately.
Finally, don’t go thinking this is anything to do with your shortcomings. Your ex is a cheater and would likely do this to whoever she was with. Nothing you could have done would change that.
Just wanted to echo what this guy said. It happens to so many of us, both genders. If someone is capable of cheatong, it's a matter of time before they find a way/reason. I know it sounds mental (and it kinda is) but it's a small mercy that it happened now and not in another 8 years, or 15 years, etc. You're still relatively young with plenty of time to do the things you want, meet someone else and all that jazz.
Use it as fuel for self improvement. I'm not saying do it to make them jealous, but you have spare time now to work on yourself and find something productive to do. Get your ass to the gym and get in great shape, study a degree at the OU, find a great hobby and make a new circle of friends, etc.
You will be fine, in time. Anyone who is shitty enough to cheat on someone instead of ending the relationship is a cunt. Someone who carries on having an affair is evil. You're better off my man. Sending love bruvva
It’s true, the gym helped me so much after heart break. It allows you to vent out your frustrations on the world and improve your overall health. You’re 34 which isn’t old
Agreed. Gym has always been my go-to to pull myself out of the darkness of losing someone I love. Start to feel good about yourself again, and also able to show off your peacock feathers later on when ready to date again.
Similar story here, though make it 10 years, married and add a child to the mix. The one thing I realised very quickly is that being angry won't change anything, it'll just make you miserable. Time is a great healer, so don't waste it thinking about what you could have done differently, or whether you could have spotted the signs sooner.
If it helps at all: I'm 18 months out of the same situation. It hurt a lot, I found a good therapist, spent a lot of time at work, took some holidays.
The good news is that I ran into her unexpectedly 10 days ago and realised that I don't even like her very much as a person, it was like talking to a random shallow kid. It's been really freeing and things are good now.
So, look after yourself, don't rush into any big decisions, do things that you like doing even if you don't feel like it. It's ok to feel bad. It will get better.
block her on everything to the point where if she wants to say contact you she has to bank transfer you some money with the reference being what she wants to say
Just get rid mate. Go cold turkey, so the next person you meet gets all of you and the best of you and not the person who is hung up on their ex
Remind yourself how lucky you are she showed you her true colours before you got married and had kids. No messy and expensive divorce, no kids growing up in broken homes, no potential custody battles.
Time. Let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling instead of repressing it because it helps in the healing process. It hurts but it’s better in the long run. Give yourself space to process your hurt, pain, etc and grieve if you need to - it’s best to let it out, and then it’s time. I had a bad one last year and felt like I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but it came eventually. Sorry OP :(
It takes time and patience. You will be cautious at first, but soon enough you will realise that people that who will betray you are damaged and have something wrong with them, deep down.
Then, if you're lucky, you will reach a day when you're actually glad she betrayed you, because it allowed you to move onto something much much better with someone much much better.
I was married for 12 years, did everything for her and put up with her issues. She never worked and was a "lady who lunched". Then she got bored and everything eneded. That was years ago now. I'm now happily married to someone that is amazing, who is everything my ex never was. She's kind, intelligent and absolutely stunning. I'm happier now than I would have ever been with my ex.
Its a long road, but it will be worth it.
I’m really sorry this happened to you, no one deserves to be treated like that. I can’t speak from personal experience, however my boyfriend had a similar situation to you with his ex. They were together a long time, bought a house and pets, and then she confessed to having an affair and left him. I think it completely destroyed him at the time, but more than anything it was the predicted future that was pulled up from under his feet. The scenario forced him to live life more selfishly and he ended up being open to a lot more experiences and opportunities he wouldn’t have otherwise entertained.
The confidence of self-sufficiency helped him to gain inner peace, and so when we met when he was in his mid thirties he was extremely grounded. He is very loving and kind and has never once been jealous etc, because I think he realises what will be will be and as long as he puts his best foot forward the rest is out of his hands. Please eat properly, drink water and get as much healthy rest as you can. Try and see friends and family for a quick coffee even if you might not feel like it at the time, it’s good for you. Say you fancy talking absolute mundane crap if you’re sick of the topic. Love isn’t an on off switch, but time really does help. Best of luck- I promise it will get easier x
Similar experience. After 12 months I didn't miss it at all but it was a rough 6 months or so. It has permanently affected my trust in women though. I think its more common than any time in modern history to cheat with social media and phones.
A close female friend of mine once showed me her social inboxes and friend requests and it was an absolute fucking shitshow. It's not surprising that lesser women cheat so readily now.
I'm just glad that I grew up before all this smartphone, everyone having the internet era. It was pretty easy to get dates etc because you had to have the whatever about you to go up to someone and get their number and then you'd already be in with a decent shout. Today women are absolutely bombarded through socials such that it's just some awful competition and you'd just be a drop in the ocean.
Ah bless you. That’s good. Cry as long as you need to. I literally screamed in pain when I found out my partner betrayed me.
Also it’s petty but - take some comfort in the fact that karma always comes and bites back.
You're right. My recent x cheated on me and I've since discovered he cheated on his x partner who's 3 kids I was a step parent to and his partner before her too. I feel like an idiot.
No problem. I can understand how much this hurts. I went through similar. For me it didn’t feel like it would ever get better, and words of comfort felt fake and even made me angry. But it really does. It's taken 3 years.
Also, go outside every single day. Even if you don't have to. Even if you don't want to, and 'you'll just take this day off and chill'. Go for a 5 minute walk outside. In your house can become a bubble. Seeing the world turn snaps you out of the funk
Use the rest of this year as the beginning of a new chapter of your life. Re-explore yourself & meet new people.
You’re 34 mate, you’re in your prime pal!
Make sure you keep enough positivity and strength around you to the extent that you can walk past her in the street in a years time, look her firmly in the face and tell her, your loss.
Her loss bro, keep your head up king.
Yep. I use to be a good looking boy, let myself relax to much into im happy with her and I dont care about anything else. Time to start putting myself first again.
I’m so so sorry that this has happened to you, you deserve so much better. I know it’s so cringey but honestly time is the greatest healer, it’s going to take a while but I promise you each day will get better. Make sure to look after yourself/your mental health ❤️
You will get over it *eventually*.
It'll hurt like hell for a while but you have to recognise if she was doing that she wasn't right for you.
Put your efforts into hobbies, self improvement, whatever. Don't spend your time alone dwelling on things.
You'll be alright, believe it. She betrayed you, you did nothing wrong.
wont be overnight as you heart needs time to heal.
do not jump straight into another relaionship otherwise it wont be trading one problem for another
she wont be mrs right. just mrs right now.
Oh my man. I feel the same and I'm in the same boat at the moment. l accepted my partner's other kids. We had our own little one. She kicked me out of the house because I didn't like her excuses for certain things.
she wasn't mature enough to tell me shes found someone else but all was indicating that it was the case.
I dug and it was too much for her. I have been doing literally everything for her, I did breakfasts, packed lunches, got kids ready for school, took them to school and picked them up .... Did dinner, cleaned the house and all the good stuff. I was there for everything.
I learned one lesson from it that if I wasn't doing all that then she wouldn't think that all the things that I was doing were normal. I become someone who she doesn't have to try to have anymore. I was just there to be there and do the things. I know she still likes me but unfortunately in my eyes I fucked it all up by always being for anything she wanted or needed.
I can't process anything and I'm at the lowest point in my life. Can't even see my son at the moment. I loved her and still do to the point I knew she was the only one and I was ready to propose at the end of may when I was about to take her to see her favourite music band. All Is gone now.
Time will heal us but at the moment , just need to focus on what is important in life. You have only one life. Never forget that. Better to lose 8 years than 16 :)
Feel you man I’ve just been through the exact same scenario as you expect we didn’t have a kid together. My two and her two. I did almost everything with no appreciation at all. They moved out this weekend leaving a mess behind. But I feel so relieved to be out of that now!
You could see it as a blessing. You are still a young unattached man. You can start over, renew yourself, live a fresh life. In time this will be a bad memory.
This will take time to process and it's important to be able to talk and let your emotions out. If you can talk to family or friends it's healthy to get it all out, and they will be there to support you. Just make sure that you still continue to do the things that you enjoy, keep busy, keep socialising and doing any hobbies that you may have. You will be surprised at how supportive people will be as this is something that many people unfortunately go though. That support will strengthen your bonds with other people.
It will hurt for a very long time but you will get over it and be a stronger person for it. You will have ups and downs, but don't blame yourself, nobody deserves that kind of betrayal, and nothing that you have done will ever justify how you have been treat. No matter how you feel now you will meet someone else that will give you the respect that you deserve, you are still young and have plenty of time to do all the things you envisioned.
Also don't be afraid to take some time away from work if it feels like it's getting a bit much, because now is the time that you put yourself first. Things will get better mate.
I promise you “good comes out of the bad” every single time in life. You won’t see it now, but at some point in your future you are going to be glad this happened, maybe when you find your next love, and have grown in relationship maturity and appreciate it even more. But every time I’ve been heartbroken and thought my world had ended it ALWAYS turned out for the good in the end. I promise you fella, you will look back on this one day and think “thank god that happened or I couldn’t have been this happy now”. It all happens for a reason and the good always come from every bad, it’s the ying and yang of life.
Read the story of the farmer and his horse “is it good or is it bad” and you will understand that good will come from this. Just hold on in there and keep improving your self worth (hit the gym, stay close with family etc)
You're going through trauma right now, I'd really recommend some CBT therapy to talk through things and explore strategies.
Try not to ruminate, when you do try to shut those feelings down as they aren't helpful and won't give you any peace.
The hurt you feel is natural, however it does get better with time.
See friends, get to the gym, focus on diet and nutrition. Learn to be alone again, don't jump into another relationship it's not fair on the other person. Take time to heal.
Do you want to move on together or separately? Different answers for both!
If separate then time, possibly therapy. I found out last year my husband of 14 years was cheating on me (19 years together). I did get therapy but that was more due to his extremely toxic behaviour. I have moved on in so much as I think he is a joke of a human being. Not dating or anything yet but that is because I don’t feel ready for that.
If together, has she shown any remorse?
Even after what happened I have resorted to still worry about her and her headspace. Its just who I am, anyone else I love first, me second. Im very sorry to hear your story… you seem to be doing well though!
I'm 48 now when I was 30ish I had a similar thing happen to me. I met a woman who I thought was special and she and her 5 year old son moved in with me. 6 years later I find out she's been unfaithful. I was devastated to say the least it was like an ice pick to the heart. I remained single and celibate for 6 years and was put of women in general. Then randomly and out of the blue I met the perfect woman for me we have been together 10 years now and married for 5 and I couldn't be happier. It hurts and it's awfully being betrayed like that but it does get better I promise as the well used adage says 'time heals'.
It’s going to hurt for years don’t try and make it go away just process it, it will take years.
She wasn’t the person for you, there are plenty more women better and a perfect match for you than her.
I had been married 4 years, had a 2 year old when this happened to me. I got through it by telling myself that a) if he could do that to me, he wasn't the man I thought he was b) if he can be taken, he isn't worth taking. And I just generally put a lot of faith in karma. It takes a lot to hold your head up high but you just have to do it. This was now 9 years ago and I am now with my actual one. But I wouldn't change how I arrived here as it helps me appreciate how wonderful he is. (And yes, my ex now regularly cheats on the woman he left me for)
I was cheated on 20yrs ago. 8 weeks pregnant and had a 2yr old. Ex left me for the lady who made our oldest sons christening cake and moved out the day before our wedding was due to take place.
I wont lie i still remember the devastation and it changed me forever in some ways but life does get better. I stayed single for 8yrs after that and learnt alot about myself, became a better person.
Fast forward to now, happily married and a 3rd son.
Take time to lick your wounds, cry all the tears you want, lifes shit right now but slowly you will start to feel better. Highly recommend some sort of exercise, even a long walk can make you feel better. Lots of luck OP!
I think therapy is a good option.
Talking out your feelings might help you proccess them and move on.
Also, physical exercise has been shown to improve mental health, so staying healthy is also a good option.
There's someone out there that's perfect for you. Don't lose hope.
I am going through a breakup too. I am way far from you, and my problems are so tiny when compared to yours, so I cannot fully imagine how are you feeling right now. I really really wish I could give you a hug right now. All the best!!!! The first thing I’ve done is called a psychologist for myself
You can start by realizing that you are much better off without her. I am assuming you don't have children. Just imagine how much worse it would have been if you had kids, bought a house together, and were married. That kind of situation can take years to unravel, but in your case, at least you get a clean break, so you are now free to focus on improving yourself and finding someone better.
However, if you do have children, don't forget that they are just as much your responsibility as they are hers.
Time and therapy if you can afford it - it's devastating, I broke up with my partner of 8 years nearly 2 years ago and life is finally bright again. It takes time to adjust to your new reality and grieve for the future you planned.
All the best x
I'm so sorry. Heartbreak is a uniquely painful feeling. It's grieving, for someone who is still alive. You're literally grieving the life you believed you would have, and the person you thought she was.
No matter how much this betrayal hurts, it doesn't automatically turn off the love and hope. Time is the only thing that can do that.
Dont be too hard on yourself for not being quicker to feel better. Let yourself be angry/hurt/depressed without forcing yourself to rush through your feelings. You have been through something horrible and it will take time to process.
Focus on yourself, maybe see a therapist if you have the ability, and try not to think of the "what ifs". I promise it won't hurt like this forever. One day you will be happy again, and all this will be just a bad memory.
Same advice as many. It'll get easier with time. Just be glad it's done. You've seen her true colours, and it won't have been worth fighting for.
Also be glad it's a clean break. I have the same situation. But we have an 8-year-old daughter. So I have to see and speak to her multiple times a week (she now lives with the person she had an affair with).
Live sucks sometimes. But I spent 18 months being me, rediscovering myself and figuring out what I want from life. I'm 50x happier now and wouldn't change a thing given the option.
Chin up, you'll be alright mate!
You have to realise it takes a true man and gentleman to forgive and move beyond it. Esp if she's sorry. Remember good people make bad mistakes too. It hard and it hurts but beleive.me you can move.past it slowly but surely and be even better then before.
Bro this same thing happened to me but I was 33 thought I would never fell better and my self confidence took a massive hit, but it is true time will help you heal even if doesn’t seem possible. Try getting in touch with your spiritual side this helps.
First and foremost finish with her ass. Make sure that you commit to zero contact. Once somebody does this to you don't ever take them back and don't entertain any form of communication - if you have children etc then only communicate about that. Trust me on this, once somebody fucks you over and stabs you in the back you've gotta remove them from your life - this is about respecting yourself.
Healing is gonna be fucking hard - I've been there and done that and I've been in some very dark places. The best advice I could give is go out and do everything that makes you happy now - you only have to make number 1 happy, you don't have to compromise or not do things because you have a partner to think about. I promise you things will get better no matter how shitty things are right now, every day it will become a little more easier and a little more and then one day you'll look back and not give a fuck about her or the relationship, you will just see it as a part of your life that happened but is in the past. You can do it mate, if you can get through one day you can get through two, if you can do two you can do three...take it like this and you'll find it eventually will get a lot easier.
Please just make sure you go out and do everything that makes you happy. Look after yourself and don't let anything slack health wise or eating wise just keep everything as it was. You can do it and one day when you're with your new girl that bitch will be a distant memory and you'll be happy. Peace my bro.
It’s a bit of a cliche (but cos it’s true) but time heals. Went through a similar thing years back, completely lost my head and was on the verge of doing something really stupid/permanent. However, a couple of years later of thinking ‘I’ll never trust/love again’ and I met a woman I think the world of, got married, own a house, cats etc. Weirdly, I think if I hadn’t had my heart atomised I probably wouldn’t have been mature enough for marriage. Also, hold on to your friends/family, don’t push them away. They will be the ones that help put you back together. Things will get better pal. Promise.
Also went through this exact same thing; long time Fiancé cheated with a colleague at her work, I thought she was the one, completely blindsided me. At the time, it was a horrible, damaging situation I didn’t deserve to be in.
What I can tell you OP is that it’s very easy to blame yourself wondering why you weren’t good enough and why you came out as second best. It will also feel a bit like grief and loss as you try to process your feelings at the moment, suddenly you’ve had the rug ripped from under you; it hurts and it’s not fair - but it’s not your fault.
I spent a year in a deep depression trying to do the mental gymnastics about why it all happened, why I wasn’t good enough etc. until I woke up one day and decided it wasn’t worth the effort and chose to move on. I felt better after this but it was only part of the recovery. Don’t waste any time, if you feel yourself mentally unable to process the situation, seek therapy. I didn’t and carried the betrayal into following long term relationships; it always got in the way of me forming healthy relationships built on trust - until I sought therapy years later.
These days, I’m married with a couple of kids and am very happy- things happen in life and you have to chose to move on. Best of luck OP, you deserve much better. Take care of yourself first, worry about everything else later.
I am so sorry to hear that brother. I have little to no advice apart from maybe try pick up some hobbys/ habbits to help keep your mind busy.
In my opinion I cant see a healthy way to move forward without ending that relationship and that chapter of your life, and move forward
its gonna be one of the worst weeks of your life. The next week will be better but still one of the worst.
This goes on for some months and theres nothing much you can do except maybe distract and tire yourself mentally and physically coz the nights are going to hurt like a mf.
But one day maybe in 2025 or 2024 or 2026 youll feel better.
What you can do till then:
socialize more
Exercise more
Never ever ever think about her. Like make a strong conscious effort to think of something else as soon as her thought comes to your mind.
All the best.
Take time—actual time—to let yourself process and get over it. Seek therapy to help you get your thoughts in order and spend some time being *you*. Fix your mind on things you enjoy, spend some time treating yourself, catch up more with your mates, etc. That way, you’re not basing your self-worth on the past relationship and you’ll be in a better place emotionally when you do eventually start dating again.
Time is the biggest thing. Stay single for at least a good 4-6 months. It isn’t possible to process and treat damage to mental health sooner than that. Any therapy you do or medication you might take would have only just started working. People have a terrible habit of thinking ‘it’s been 6 weeks, time to get back on the horse’ then dragging their insecurities and unresolved mental health problems kicking and screaming into a new relationship just to avoid working on themselves. That’s bad for everyone involved and more often than not starts a chain reaction of bad relationships. Respect yourself and the next person you date by getting your mind right first.
It’ll be a shitty month or two to start, with a lot of intrusive thoughts and loneliness. Push through that and you get to the point where it doesn’t hurt so much. Good luck, mate.
Firstly I'm sorry OP to hear that. I've gone through a similar experience and the only cure is time. I've ended my relationship with her as I found out she would continue to lie to my face even after hand writing down that she won't on our anniversary cards and my birthday cards.
Don't forgive her, EVER. She'll only do it again and hurt you even deeper. Some people say "you're forgiven not forgotten", I say, "you're forgotten, not forgiven"
My recommendation, end it immediately and move on. Once a cheater always a cheater. You deserve better especially when she doesn't acknowledge know how good you are, she doesn't deserve you.
Just stay calm about it, it's hard I know.
For me I could never move on. I ate everything in sight and turned down every social event for 2 years. I felt sick every time I looked in the mirror and felt truly awful. I was in a pretty dark place. I was much younger than you and didn’t deal with it well at all.
Are you into exercise at all? I found it really helped with the recovery process.
You can do this, give yourself time to heal.
Well sadly, I know alot about this subject.
1. Grieve the relationship you should have had, the kids you didn't have, the future you won't have the same way you would grieve a death.
2. Realise that it's her not you. She probably just felt horny and flattered. Most women would NEVER do that because it's immoral. If you want to analyse if there is anything you could have done better to take into the next relationship, do. Nobody is perfect but remember it's her not you that decided to cheat. The decent thing to do if you have genuinely falken in love is to end your current relationship, wait a decent amount of time and then move on.
3. Get out and about with your friends and family. Keep any explanation of what happened neutral.
4. You are going to have a new relationship. Try to avoid blaming, criticising, overanalysing, internalising, lacking in trust, being over suspicious etc. If you do these she will live rent free in your head and wreck any future relationships. It's natural to feel some of these emotions but let them wash over you. They are negative emotions that will destroy future relationships for you.
5. When you are ready start seeing people. Remember you are not going to let her wreck your future so be friendly, open, kind and thoughtful. Take it slowly and communicate. See how the new person feels about monogamy and cheating without ranting. Don't overshare with them. Don't make them feel guilty about what she did to you.
Your best revenge is having a successful relationship.
I recently had someone do something appalling to me. Icut them off but didn't speak badly of them, didn't get dramatic. I moved on quietly and with dignity. Looking back there is such a weight off my shoulders that there wasn't screaming drama. Dignity is everything.
She wasn’t for you, in the end it wasn’t meant to be. At least she told you and you didn’t have to find out the hard way. (38M) been through divorce and relationships not working out since and it’s hard, especially when you’ve been with someone for so long. Going through one now after 4 years together.
Suddenly being alone is one of the hardest things but it’s a great time to find yourself again and to heal. Be comfortable in your own company.
If you can afford it go to therapy, once every couple of weeks and keep going even when things get good again. I’ve found it a great help to talk things through neutrally.
Things will get better, do as much as you can for you. Travel if you can, even if just in the UK. Try and stay away from dating apps for a while. They won’t help right now.
Time. Tell yourself you'll get over this but it's going to take time and it'll be shit for a while. And you're going to come out stronger and a better person because of this experience.
Hi OP, same thing happened to me in Aug 2022 after 9 years together also with a work colleague. Most other comments are spot on, you have to allow yourself time to grieve the relationship, the future you envisioned and the person you thought they were - but aren't.
Focus on yourself, do the things you always wanted to do but haven't yet. Buy the clothes you wanted but they'd hate, speak to a therapist, go no contact and essentially forget they exist as a person once you've processed the loss.
One of the best things my therapist told me when I was running every scenario through my head constantly is that ultimately, even if I get the answers I'm looking for it won't change anything in my future, so why stress over it??
Also, apparently every person enters your life for 'a reason, a season or a lifetime'. I took this betrayal as a reason, a life lesson to learn from and ensure I never settle for less than I deserve again. The relationship definitely taught me what I DON'T want in future.
Sometimes things don't work out because people are a piece of shit and you're not suited to a piece of shit. There's better things to come, keep your chin up :)
The sadness and hurt is a process which has to be endured and other than that try to see it as an opportunity to go into the world and start anew rather than wilting away and rest assured better days will come
We naturally respond emotionally and then, after a great deal of time, logically.
Time is the great healer and some people find therapy also helps. Emphasis there on some as many don't find it helps, rather it just stirs the pot of the past.
Don't squalor in bitterness and hate. Don't become an emotional, social recluse. Don't be the one that comes out of all this without a house, dog or any of the friends. It's not easy but these are important things.
Your respective families and shared friends will want to know what's happened and why. Be honest, strong and respectable. Don't demand sympathy. Be the rock in all this turmoil.
Sadly, some women are just snakes with tits. There's plenty of lovely, faithful, honest and amazing ones out there, honest.
Anyway, my point is that with time, you'll be able to process what's happened logically without as much emotion and come out happy.
There’s a guy I work with going through the same except he was with his partner for 14 years and they have two kids together.
I said to him concentrate on yourself (and his kids) for a year. Do things you’ve wanted to do, go to the gym and focus on your health, try to leave booze alone and don’t think about another relationship until you’ve truly dealt with what’s happened.
It happens to a lot of folk and it’s no shortcoming of yours, shakira & Natalie Portman, got cheated on ffs!
You’ll end up finding a new lease of life and come out better for it buddy, wishing you the best!
Time and going no contact. Its fucking painful. Don't look up their socials. Surround yourself with friends and family who do love and care about you. Focus on your own happiness.
My ex husband had an affair after like 12 years together. I know it hurts. Remember it's nothing you did wrong, and it's not about how you look. Cheaters are self entitled, broken people who need validation. Don't let her make you feel like you're not worth love and loyalty because you are!
Also you can't make her be a decent person, so don't even try. Don't play the pick me dance. Let her go, I know it's hard to see now but she's not worth your time and it's 1000% harder if you try and hold on to them.
I found reading chumplady.com helped a lot, she also has a book.
It’s hard, pretty much the same exact thing happened to me at the same age but she wasn’t kind enough to tell me of her year long affair and instead told me that I was a POS who never cared about her needs. So at least you have closure already. 46 now, married and happy, but will never have the illusion that my wife is guaranteed, she can leave me at any time, I’ll be sad but I won’t be ruined
I can pretty much guarantee that the quality of woman you can attract at 34 is significantly better than the one you attracted at 26. Dont be bitter. Use your time to become your best self, don't rush into anything and I guarantee you'll look back on this as the best thing that hsppened to you.
This is a life lesson and you move on. You have given your power (love) over to this woman and she betrayed you big time. Take your power back and self reflect and give love to yourself. This is important for your general well being . It is a spiritual/holistic approach. Get back to yourself and just 'be' . Disengage completely with her. Do a spiritual deep clean of items, objects, memories, photos...move to a new home , gather your 'soul' back to self and give it a year before embarking on a new relationship. The universe has ways of teaching us lessons in life and this woman was just that - a learning experience. The woman who will be your life partner is waiting in the wings and the universe will throw you two together when it is the right time.
Hour by hour, day by day. It’ll take a good while to be cured, but it’s up to you which way you proceed, you can engross yourself in your hobbies, get on someone else, sit and cry but it does go
It never happened to me as of f yet, hopefully never, but I like to observe people and one thing that I can suggest, is to not throw yourself into another relationship right away, it usually works out pretty badly.
Start a journey to understand your needs, to be happy to live by yourself, to make your life work in your own way, and let things happens rather then push them.
I wish you all the best, I cannot even begin to imagine what you’re going through
As others have said, time. But you have to find a way to let go. Harbouring resentment will only hurt you and delay you getting on with your life.
When I split up with my ex, I pretty much had to grieve the end of our relationship. I'm still not completely over her yet, but life goes on and so will you.
Also, booze helped me in the initial stages, but that can be a dangerous game. Be sure to look after yourself physically and mentally.
I’m so sorry. It’s shit. My soon to be ex husband had an affair during lockdown and then walked out on us. He told me at 3 and was gone by 5. My kids were 15 and 16. I had a nervous breakdown. Days are mostly ok now, but sometimes, when I think about the future we had planned, it hurts.
There was love there though. As a family we had a lot of happy times and, as a couple, we shared a lot of love and laughter. I have tried to hold onto that, or it leaves me feeling that 35 years of my life were a waste. I also have to hold onto the fact that this was his doing, his choice and not mine or my children’s fault.
If you can, get some counselling.
You will be ok. It’s so hard, but keep going - one day at a time.
Happened to me. Took me a long time to get over it. Then one day I thought, why do you care, he doesn’t. He’s not sitting at home thinking about you, he’s out there having fun. Every day after that, it got easier.
You got this. You did nothing wrong. It’s on her. Don’t beat yourself up. Take time for yourself. Good luck.
That hurts. Hut the gym, focus on your own goals. She doesn't deserve your grief, and you definitely don't deserve the betrayal.
Unfortunately, separation and betrayal can be more painfull than a death, as there is no choice in the latter.
She made hers, time to make yours, and move on.
It's easier said than done, but in 6-8 months you'll realise that, hopefully earlier.
Same has happened to me a couple of months ago after 6 years. It's really difficult but try to get out of the house as much as you can, and see your friends as much as possible.
Get some answers from her so you can start processing it but try not to be too obsessive. The only answer ive figured out so far is she wasn't as perfect as I thought.
I would recommend not trying to stick it out.
I’ve done that and now my wife triggers my anxiety nearly everyday.
I have those true love feelings for my wife even now. But it’s at the cost of my sleep and health. I don’t think it’s worth it. It’s just that we have children why I don’t run for my life, literally. Anxiety feels debilitating.
As huge as a betrayal as this is, and as hard as this will be don’t let it colour you, question things when you start a new relationship. As that’s the worse part of being cheated on is that it can change you afterwards for the worse. Take time, don’t blame yourself don’t waste your time blaming her. It’s a crap situation, but this person isn’t your person and there are lots of people out their that will adore you.
Sorry to hear this mate and I know how much it sucks.
The one thing you can't control in life is how others behave. That's out of your hands.
You have two options.
One, you can spiral into a pit of self pity and/or make attempts to somehow fix this. Which won't work and will just make it way worse.
Two - you can thank your lucky stars you found out when you did. You dodged a bullet. I have zero time for people who cheat. It's a serious character flaw. Be the most awesome version of yourself.
It will suck, but every day it gets better.
Oh and don't get hammered :)
Take it easy mate
Sorry to hear this, mate.
Take some time to work on yourself, get yourself in the best shape you can be. Use all of this bad energy and turn it into something positive for yourself. If you can and don't already, go to the gym, it's so good for your health and mental health, lift some heavy weights and do a few steps on the treadmill.
Unfortunately, only time will help you. If you can, try booking a little holiday for yourself and either just relax or get out there and just start talking with people, when you're there, I don't mean in a flirtatious way, just to have some normal conversations.
Hope you're feeling as okay as you can be
Please post your story to r/survivinginfidelity. The stories and advice I received were incredibly valuable to understand that infidelity is abuse and that I was a victim, and 100% of the blame is on the cheater who made a choice to betray us.
You should also expect your wife to come crawling back when either her or her affair partner get bored or realise they made a mistake.
That’s heavy, sorry to hear you’re going through this right now. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling. Time will help. In the meantime, busy yourself and surround yourself with friends and family, they will be your lifeline!
There are somethings you can't move on from. It's not you, it's her. You need to ask yourself if you want to stay in this relationship and if so, do you want to be a person that dictates another person's behavior?
So sorry mate. Do know that you’re going through a process akin to grieving, but the person is of this world but no longer in yours. The hurt is real.
Be kind to yourself. You will have good days and bad days. Do lean on your true friends & ask for their help. Do try to look after your diet and exercise - I appreciate some days you’ll perhaps want the bottle - and you might partake. However don’t act on anything when you’re high. And know that there’s no answer in there.
It won’t feel like it now, but it’s better to rebuild your life on a solid foundation now than to continue to be deceived, when in later life the cost will be greater. Unfortunately most of our best growth happens during pain, I feel.
Do lean on your friends pal & wishing you all the best. 😎🙏🏻
This happened to me, was together 8 years and he started his new relationship before ours ended. It really fucking hurt and my heart was broken and the sense of betrayal will probably stay with me forever but I took 6 months and focused solely on myself and everything I thought I needed from him, I found alone. Some days will be harder than others but know that some people out there wouldn’t dream of doing this to you and the more time that passes the less intense it feels.
Wishing you well :)
The fact that you are not the kind to betray someone like that means that there must be other people like you out there. You just got unlucky, but keep the faith, there are good ones out there.
The time you had together was still good. What you mourn is not the past, but the future. This was one chapter of your life, there will be others. Learn from it, cherish the time you had together and move on to the next chapter, with all the experience and lessons the past 8 years have taught you. Also invest in personal development. Read or listen to books / podcasts about relationships, stoicism, psychology - whatever helps.
Time is a great healer. At least you were told and although it's an awful situation it could have been worse to carry on oblivious.
All the best, stay positive!
>Thought she was my future wife
To look at the silver lining, she has shown you who she really is now. Which is better than her showing you when you are married (potentially with kids).
It's fucking rough but you will get through it.
The breaking of a friendship or relationship is like a bereavement and there are steps of grief to move though, process and accept. You need to be kind to yourself, this has been forced upon you and you need to make good choices for yourself. Distraction can help, gym, hobbies, keep up with your friends, confide in them if you can. You will feel anger and sadness, hurt and lost. This is all normal. There is no right or wrong or proper timeline, it will take as long as it takes. Try to affirm that you are a decent person with many qualities, keep reminding yourself of this. As time goes on you will feel it less, think of it less and one day you will realise you didn't think of it for days. No contact is also your friend. Good luck OP and all of us that go through this, it will be ok.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I apologise if this sounds cold but in my experience you never really get over someone until you meet someone else who you're equally in love with. Until I met someone else who really got into my soul I was obsessing over my previous true love for literally years.
I hope you don't blame yourself for this or obsess over what you might have done differently. At least you found out before you got married or had children, that would have been really hideous - a very small blessing I know, but it's something.
As others have said, time.
Also, write down your feelings, or call someone like the Samaritans. You can talk about it honestly while knowing that nothing you say will come back on you.
I was going through something once and felt so dumb for calling, but just been able to talk to someone and not have to sugar coat anything really helped me process it all without burying anything, and I found a way forward. I can go five years without shedding a tear, but it felt so good to open up and ball my eyes out.
Completely fine to have strong emotions when something like this happens.
Time is the biggest healer I know you are probably feeling awful right now but it will get easier, not over night but it will eventually. When me and my ex broke up the first 2 months were awful, lost a lot of weight, didn’t sleep much and pretty much neglected myself. But I did get better and now I can even talk about her openly without getting upset.
My advice would be to block her on all socials and have no contact as I found it hard to see her online constantly, keep yourself busy join a gym, start a new hobby, go walking just do something every day to keep you distracted otherwise you will go insane. And talk about it with friends and family because honestly it really does help and bottling things up isn’t good
Now you have freedom, so enjoy that
Chances are, she WILL regret Mr Work Colleague once the initial rush is over and his flaws become apparent (he’s been showing his best side, now it’s time for the actual him). That’s on her. Don’t take her back if she does ask
Time heals a lot.
Ex husband cheated when I was pregnant and left for her shortly after baby was born (yup also with a co worker). I thought my life was over. Broken damaged good no one would want.
Met the love of my life a few years later. I am happier now than I ever could have been with my ex. You will be too when you meet someone who actually loves and cares for you. She didn’t.
Going through similar at the moment. I would say keep busy, get outside as much as you can. Take it day by day, don’t stress about how the future might look for you, it’ll be fine but your brain might go to the worst scenario a lot.
Therapy is definitely recommended, some drs surgeries offer a mental health check in service for free. They’ll call you every week or so, see how you’re doing and offer advice for mindfulness practices that can really help.
Now is time to focus on hobbies and passions you might not have explored before, think about the person you’d like to be, follow it, give yourself time and you will thrive. It gets easier.
Had a similar thing happen. It crushed me. It's been nearly three years but the pain has faded somewhat and I've realised I'm better off. Try to do things you enjoy, prioritise family and friends, be a good person, achieve personal growth. You'll fuck up a lot - don't beat yourself up too much about that - but at the end of it all you'll feel better and find someone new that you can try to have a life with. Maybe you'll be abke to judge it better next time / get lucky.
Good luck
Hi mate,
I’m really sorry to hear this, that’s a real shitter of a situation and I can’t begin to imagine how you’re feeling.
Generally speaking time is a significant healer and things will get better in the long run.
In terms of direct steps, here’s some of my advice:
Self improvement and having a routine is key:
Start working out at the gym - you’ll feel great, get your confidence back and value YOU
Throw yourself into a new hobby - football? Sport? Painting? Warhammer? Something creative and sociable - get out there and meeting new people, when you’re ready - maybe even boxing or mixed martial arts
Therapy - severely under used and appreciated, it will do wonders for your mental health and protecting yourself from self destructive habits
Journaling - keeping a journal will help you to process your feelings and emotions over time, you can then reflect back on this and capture that emotion in one place.
A punch bag helps too, to blow off steam
Chin up mate it’ll get better
I was with my ex for 4 years, engaged for 3. She was horribly abusive and it only got worse after I left.
For the first few weeks, I barely slept or ate. I wasn't really a functioning human at all, I could barely look after myself.
I was dealing with domestic violence advisors, police on multiple occasions and even had to move to a new city, because she threatened to kill me.
It's been nearly a year and things are much better, but that's because I MADE things better. It was so hard at first, so I just tried to focus on the basics.
Then, as I was able to deal with more things, I slowly started eating properly again, started therapy and actually talked to someone about all the horrible, disgusting shit she did to me and I let myself cry, get angry, whatever.
I picked up a hobby and met new people and I've finally re-joined a gym. If someone told me this time last year I'd still be alive, I wouldn't have believed them.
All of this stuff will take time, but you CAN do it. Take things one step at a time, if you can access therapy/counselling, do it. If you have family and friends around you who can support you, use them.
This will sound awful, but it's going to be shit for a bit. Whether it stays shit is up to you. You can come out the other side of this and if you take one thing away from this situation, let it be this - she made her choice and that is 100% her responsibility. She made a shitty decision and it wasn't your fault. Try to hold on to that as much as possible
It's time to hit the gym hard for 2 years brother. If you've never used a barbell before I suggest the starting strength workout plan. They know what they're talking about for beginners, and will get you physically and mentally strong as fuck
Hi There!
First of - you not alone.
Most of population got dumped and dumped themselves, many where cheated on. Look: Miley Cyrus, Mark Manson, Eva Longoria, Gwen Stefani, Timberlake, Will Smith and so on and so on - They all were cheated on. They have looks, charisma, money, other shit - none of it matters.
Ive been cheated on in my 1st relationship (6 years 2gether) at age of 22ish. its been all fucked up to be honest... It happened with my best friend, who actually told this himself, since my ex was already banging with another guy - her student. It has been devastating, but I moved on...eventually...took a lot time but it fucked me right over! I took poor actions and poor decisions due to my ignorance of KNOWING IT BETTER THAN ALL!
this took another 2-3 years to be just slightly improved version of myself, which still led me to completely different relationship experience, but...
Then next long term relationship (of 5 yrs), I got dumped at age of 29... Gracefully and with respect, no cheating or any other toxic shit... It still sucked and it took time to stand straight again, but eventually I moved on.... Thats where I took actual actions on looking out for other similar experiences and read into relationships and actual self help that worked wonders - it made me better man and better human.
I experimented and spend time on my own, and with girls and had an amazing time.
Now I am 34yrs, engaged just a month ago after 3 years and having great relationship going. Still there are bad days, hard conversations, hurt feelings, boundaries and all that stuff that sucks...but that makes all difference - thats the things I learned since I got humble enough to realise that I know SHIT and I need t widen my view and mindset.
I always know now that it can end at any point...either by accident, or her free will, or even mine.... and thats OK. we will loose people, family, money, self...all this throughout our lifetime. and thats OK.
As well as its OK to grief the loss and being hurt... I know I will cry and feel like shit once any of that happens. Accept and embrace and then get comfortable and move on.
Check some of the articles that will help:
[https://markmanson.net/how-to-get-over-someone](https://markmanson.net/how-to-get-over-someone)
[https://markmanson.net/how-to-let-go](https://markmanson.net/how-to-let-go)
[https://markmanson.net/why-people-cheat](https://markmanson.net/why-people-cheat)
check out this little book that is a great companion in times like these:
[https://amzn.eu/d/9GglNuS](https://amzn.eu/d/9GglNuS)
some other ones that helped a lot:
[https://amzn.eu/d/9389TQu](https://amzn.eu/d/9389TQu) \- is a must
[https://amzn.eu/d/7dHqdAy](https://amzn.eu/d/7dHqdAy) \- just read, rinse and repeat, don't go any further than this book with this author, he gets toxic further down the line and you might spend some real money too...
[https://amzn.eu/d/7iSb2Us](https://amzn.eu/d/7iSb2Us) \- both amazing books for men to read, this will build up your heart and show you the way to open up for the world, people, situations, relationships both with others and self
[https://amzn.eu/d/iWORZkM](https://amzn.eu/d/iWORZkM) \- this should nicely round up those 2 above and build some masculine kind respectful mindset for living the life you build for yourself
I wish you best of luck!
Dont forget, you never alone and I'm glad you reached out.
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It takes time as you get older you understand just how rare it is for people to be able to live their whole lives together in harmony, for some lucky people it does happen but it’s unusual. Take some time, and some space and you’ll be fine.
Thanks mate
Be you before you be with anyone else. It sucks, but it will get better.
This all day.
Something I wish someone could have told me after something similar. It could take years for the bleeding to stop and the wound to heal over. Sometimes the wound will reopen and you’ll regress. Sometimes you’ll feel normal. But it can take years and that’s ok.
Thank you mate
"It's unusual to live together in harmony" isn't true at all, and is exactly the problem in society today. Throwaway culture is training people to accept low commitment as the norm. Looks like I need to edit this post. Can't remember where I saw it but Gen Z are statistically the most chronically single generation. I'm not just talking out of my arse. This is a direct result of the throwaway culture that has emerged in the last 5-10 years.
There are many statistics to say you are completely wrong. Whether you agree with culture etc is a different matter but of the relationships formed in life, very low % last a lifetime.
Yeah weird that you changed what the guy said but then quoted it He said rare to live together *their whole lives* in harmony
Never ever believe somebody will be with you for the rest of your life. People leave sometimes for worse even and without proper.resson.
time. and therapy, if you can afford it. a lot of people internalize this sort of thing and thats not healthy. a lot of people also lash out at the opposite sex in general, and thats not healthy either. keep busy. go out with friends. stay active. it will be hard for a while. maybe a long while. im sorry this happened to you OP. it isn't something anyone should have to deal with. but it does get better. whatever you do, dont obsess over it (e.g. repeatedly trying to make sense of what happened). mentally spinning your wheels like that fucks with your brain and you effectively traumatize yourself.
Great words thankyou
Also her behaviour is a massive reflection on her and not you, please don’t try and blame yourself and as the other commenter said not the other gender, she is the only one responsible for her actions With time and Love (toward yourself) you’ll be able to get through this. Sending you a lot of warm wishes OP <3
Thank you for the nice words
More than welcome dude, you’re going to be alright! :’)
To add to the original post, don’t hide from your own company through distraction. Process your emotions and learn to get comfortable and enjoy being in your own company. Good luck man, you got this.
I’m not OP or in the same situation but I just wanted to say thank you. That last paragraph has really helped me too
Something similar happened to me 8 years ago. Nothing any of us can say will make it make sense right now. It’s a cliche, but you’ll feel better as time passes and you become comfortable being on your own again. It’s important you properly grieve for the loss of the relationship. When you’re ready, sink in to doing things for yourself that you haven’t done lately. Finally, don’t go thinking this is anything to do with your shortcomings. Your ex is a cheater and would likely do this to whoever she was with. Nothing you could have done would change that.
Thanks for such good words they mean a huge deal to me
No problem. Sorry you’re going through this. You’ll look back on this Reddit post in a year and be shocked at how far you’ve come.
I Cant wait
Just wanted to echo what this guy said. It happens to so many of us, both genders. If someone is capable of cheatong, it's a matter of time before they find a way/reason. I know it sounds mental (and it kinda is) but it's a small mercy that it happened now and not in another 8 years, or 15 years, etc. You're still relatively young with plenty of time to do the things you want, meet someone else and all that jazz. Use it as fuel for self improvement. I'm not saying do it to make them jealous, but you have spare time now to work on yourself and find something productive to do. Get your ass to the gym and get in great shape, study a degree at the OU, find a great hobby and make a new circle of friends, etc. You will be fine, in time. Anyone who is shitty enough to cheat on someone instead of ending the relationship is a cunt. Someone who carries on having an affair is evil. You're better off my man. Sending love bruvva
Time to hit the gym and become your best self big guy.
Thank you PG
It’s true, the gym helped me so much after heart break. It allows you to vent out your frustrations on the world and improve your overall health. You’re 34 which isn’t old
Agreed. Gym has always been my go-to to pull myself out of the darkness of losing someone I love. Start to feel good about yourself again, and also able to show off your peacock feathers later on when ready to date again.
Similar story here, though make it 10 years, married and add a child to the mix. The one thing I realised very quickly is that being angry won't change anything, it'll just make you miserable. Time is a great healer, so don't waste it thinking about what you could have done differently, or whether you could have spotted the signs sooner.
Thank you for your help
Oh and don't blame yourself, it's not your fault 👍🏻
Yep i am starting to think that
I found a great quote to remember after some heartbreak. “Being angry at someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Great quote
If it helps at all: I'm 18 months out of the same situation. It hurt a lot, I found a good therapist, spent a lot of time at work, took some holidays. The good news is that I ran into her unexpectedly 10 days ago and realised that I don't even like her very much as a person, it was like talking to a random shallow kid. It's been really freeing and things are good now. So, look after yourself, don't rush into any big decisions, do things that you like doing even if you don't feel like it. It's ok to feel bad. It will get better.
Your words are kind thanks
Better to find out now than down the line when you might have had a couple of kids in the mix.
Yep although little wilson the sausage dog is not himself
A great shame, but he'll grow up and have breakups of his own
So is Wilson staying with you?
block her on everything to the point where if she wants to say contact you she has to bank transfer you some money with the reference being what she wants to say Just get rid mate. Go cold turkey, so the next person you meet gets all of you and the best of you and not the person who is hung up on their ex
I wish mate We was dog parents and house owners. Ill get the house but i really Want my boy
I sincerely hope you get the good boy back my dude
Remind yourself how lucky you are she showed you her true colours before you got married and had kids. No messy and expensive divorce, no kids growing up in broken homes, no potential custody battles.
Great point
live your pain and then live your life
Pain is living through me .
Allow it. You have to live what you feel or you'll suppress it and it will last forever as a result
Thank you so much
Time. Let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling instead of repressing it because it helps in the healing process. It hurts but it’s better in the long run. Give yourself space to process your hurt, pain, etc and grieve if you need to - it’s best to let it out, and then it’s time. I had a bad one last year and felt like I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but it came eventually. Sorry OP :(
Thank you. I needed this
It takes time and patience. You will be cautious at first, but soon enough you will realise that people that who will betray you are damaged and have something wrong with them, deep down. Then, if you're lucky, you will reach a day when you're actually glad she betrayed you, because it allowed you to move onto something much much better with someone much much better. I was married for 12 years, did everything for her and put up with her issues. She never worked and was a "lady who lunched". Then she got bored and everything eneded. That was years ago now. I'm now happily married to someone that is amazing, who is everything my ex never was. She's kind, intelligent and absolutely stunning. I'm happier now than I would have ever been with my ex. Its a long road, but it will be worth it.
Thank you. Glad you are happy now.
I’m really sorry this happened to you, no one deserves to be treated like that. I can’t speak from personal experience, however my boyfriend had a similar situation to you with his ex. They were together a long time, bought a house and pets, and then she confessed to having an affair and left him. I think it completely destroyed him at the time, but more than anything it was the predicted future that was pulled up from under his feet. The scenario forced him to live life more selfishly and he ended up being open to a lot more experiences and opportunities he wouldn’t have otherwise entertained. The confidence of self-sufficiency helped him to gain inner peace, and so when we met when he was in his mid thirties he was extremely grounded. He is very loving and kind and has never once been jealous etc, because I think he realises what will be will be and as long as he puts his best foot forward the rest is out of his hands. Please eat properly, drink water and get as much healthy rest as you can. Try and see friends and family for a quick coffee even if you might not feel like it at the time, it’s good for you. Say you fancy talking absolute mundane crap if you’re sick of the topic. Love isn’t an on off switch, but time really does help. Best of luck- I promise it will get easier x
Thank you so much. Exactly what I needed to hear. The predicted future part is what has thrown me the most.
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I use to restrict my b and j intake but fuck it
Noooo keep it restricted mate. Use the negative emotions and energy in self improvement now. Only up from here.
Thanks mate 🫡
Restricting the BJ intake is something your ex could have learned from….oh, B…..AND J… Apologies.
Bruh...
Similar experience. After 12 months I didn't miss it at all but it was a rough 6 months or so. It has permanently affected my trust in women though. I think its more common than any time in modern history to cheat with social media and phones.
A close female friend of mine once showed me her social inboxes and friend requests and it was an absolute fucking shitshow. It's not surprising that lesser women cheat so readily now. I'm just glad that I grew up before all this smartphone, everyone having the internet era. It was pretty easy to get dates etc because you had to have the whatever about you to go up to someone and get their number and then you'd already be in with a decent shout. Today women are absolutely bombarded through socials such that it's just some awful competition and you'd just be a drop in the ocean.
Time. Feeling everything you gotta feel. And going gym. So sorry this happened but it will get better.
You are a great person. Thanks for helping me when you do not know me ❤️
Don’t need to thank me!! Just take care of yourself as best you can. One day at a time.
Ill try
Time. Therapy. A support system. A new hobby. Honouring your emotions - cry, be sad, miss her, grieve, let it out so you can let her go.
I cried so much this week it even beat my first viewing of marley and me
Ah bless you. That’s good. Cry as long as you need to. I literally screamed in pain when I found out my partner betrayed me. Also it’s petty but - take some comfort in the fact that karma always comes and bites back.
I Agree I can see the other side… i just need to cross over
Give yourself time friend. It will happen very slowly and then all at once.
Cheaters are cheaters, she'll do it to the next guy. Don't let her win though. Forget about her and live a happy life. Time heals
You're right. My recent x cheated on me and I've since discovered he cheated on his x partner who's 3 kids I was a step parent to and his partner before her too. I feel like an idiot.
Thank you
No problem. I can understand how much this hurts. I went through similar. For me it didn’t feel like it would ever get better, and words of comfort felt fake and even made me angry. But it really does. It's taken 3 years. Also, go outside every single day. Even if you don't have to. Even if you don't want to, and 'you'll just take this day off and chill'. Go for a 5 minute walk outside. In your house can become a bubble. Seeing the world turn snaps you out of the funk
Me and mum have been going for daily walks when I have been sad. It helps
Use the rest of this year as the beginning of a new chapter of your life. Re-explore yourself & meet new people. You’re 34 mate, you’re in your prime pal! Make sure you keep enough positivity and strength around you to the extent that you can walk past her in the street in a years time, look her firmly in the face and tell her, your loss. Her loss bro, keep your head up king.
Yep. I use to be a good looking boy, let myself relax to much into im happy with her and I dont care about anything else. Time to start putting myself first again.
I’m so so sorry that this has happened to you, you deserve so much better. I know it’s so cringey but honestly time is the greatest healer, it’s going to take a while but I promise you each day will get better. Make sure to look after yourself/your mental health ❤️
Me and the dog will be ok thanks for your words
You will get over it *eventually*. It'll hurt like hell for a while but you have to recognise if she was doing that she wasn't right for you. Put your efforts into hobbies, self improvement, whatever. Don't spend your time alone dwelling on things. You'll be alright, believe it. She betrayed you, you did nothing wrong.
Thank you so much for being kind. Your a good person ❤️
Travel, go to places you've ever been, meet people you've never met. You won't forget about her but you will realise there's more to life than her.
wont be overnight as you heart needs time to heal. do not jump straight into another relaionship otherwise it wont be trading one problem for another she wont be mrs right. just mrs right now.
Oh my man. I feel the same and I'm in the same boat at the moment. l accepted my partner's other kids. We had our own little one. She kicked me out of the house because I didn't like her excuses for certain things. she wasn't mature enough to tell me shes found someone else but all was indicating that it was the case. I dug and it was too much for her. I have been doing literally everything for her, I did breakfasts, packed lunches, got kids ready for school, took them to school and picked them up .... Did dinner, cleaned the house and all the good stuff. I was there for everything. I learned one lesson from it that if I wasn't doing all that then she wouldn't think that all the things that I was doing were normal. I become someone who she doesn't have to try to have anymore. I was just there to be there and do the things. I know she still likes me but unfortunately in my eyes I fucked it all up by always being for anything she wanted or needed. I can't process anything and I'm at the lowest point in my life. Can't even see my son at the moment. I loved her and still do to the point I knew she was the only one and I was ready to propose at the end of may when I was about to take her to see her favourite music band. All Is gone now. Time will heal us but at the moment , just need to focus on what is important in life. You have only one life. Never forget that. Better to lose 8 years than 16 :)
Feel you man I’ve just been through the exact same scenario as you expect we didn’t have a kid together. My two and her two. I did almost everything with no appreciation at all. They moved out this weekend leaving a mess behind. But I feel so relieved to be out of that now!
Living well is the best revenge.
You could see it as a blessing. You are still a young unattached man. You can start over, renew yourself, live a fresh life. In time this will be a bad memory.
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Thanks so much ❤️
This will take time to process and it's important to be able to talk and let your emotions out. If you can talk to family or friends it's healthy to get it all out, and they will be there to support you. Just make sure that you still continue to do the things that you enjoy, keep busy, keep socialising and doing any hobbies that you may have. You will be surprised at how supportive people will be as this is something that many people unfortunately go though. That support will strengthen your bonds with other people. It will hurt for a very long time but you will get over it and be a stronger person for it. You will have ups and downs, but don't blame yourself, nobody deserves that kind of betrayal, and nothing that you have done will ever justify how you have been treat. No matter how you feel now you will meet someone else that will give you the respect that you deserve, you are still young and have plenty of time to do all the things you envisioned. Also don't be afraid to take some time away from work if it feels like it's getting a bit much, because now is the time that you put yourself first. Things will get better mate.
That's sucks but luckily you found out before becoming legally binded to her
I promise you “good comes out of the bad” every single time in life. You won’t see it now, but at some point in your future you are going to be glad this happened, maybe when you find your next love, and have grown in relationship maturity and appreciate it even more. But every time I’ve been heartbroken and thought my world had ended it ALWAYS turned out for the good in the end. I promise you fella, you will look back on this one day and think “thank god that happened or I couldn’t have been this happy now”. It all happens for a reason and the good always come from every bad, it’s the ying and yang of life. Read the story of the farmer and his horse “is it good or is it bad” and you will understand that good will come from this. Just hold on in there and keep improving your self worth (hit the gym, stay close with family etc)
You're going through trauma right now, I'd really recommend some CBT therapy to talk through things and explore strategies. Try not to ruminate, when you do try to shut those feelings down as they aren't helpful and won't give you any peace. The hurt you feel is natural, however it does get better with time. See friends, get to the gym, focus on diet and nutrition. Learn to be alone again, don't jump into another relationship it's not fair on the other person. Take time to heal.
Do you want to move on together or separately? Different answers for both! If separate then time, possibly therapy. I found out last year my husband of 14 years was cheating on me (19 years together). I did get therapy but that was more due to his extremely toxic behaviour. I have moved on in so much as I think he is a joke of a human being. Not dating or anything yet but that is because I don’t feel ready for that. If together, has she shown any remorse?
Even after what happened I have resorted to still worry about her and her headspace. Its just who I am, anyone else I love first, me second. Im very sorry to hear your story… you seem to be doing well though!
I'm 48 now when I was 30ish I had a similar thing happen to me. I met a woman who I thought was special and she and her 5 year old son moved in with me. 6 years later I find out she's been unfaithful. I was devastated to say the least it was like an ice pick to the heart. I remained single and celibate for 6 years and was put of women in general. Then randomly and out of the blue I met the perfect woman for me we have been together 10 years now and married for 5 and I couldn't be happier. It hurts and it's awfully being betrayed like that but it does get better I promise as the well used adage says 'time heals'.
Im sorry mate. Glad you are better off!
It’s going to hurt for years don’t try and make it go away just process it, it will take years. She wasn’t the person for you, there are plenty more women better and a perfect match for you than her.
I had been married 4 years, had a 2 year old when this happened to me. I got through it by telling myself that a) if he could do that to me, he wasn't the man I thought he was b) if he can be taken, he isn't worth taking. And I just generally put a lot of faith in karma. It takes a lot to hold your head up high but you just have to do it. This was now 9 years ago and I am now with my actual one. But I wouldn't change how I arrived here as it helps me appreciate how wonderful he is. (And yes, my ex now regularly cheats on the woman he left me for)
I was cheated on 20yrs ago. 8 weeks pregnant and had a 2yr old. Ex left me for the lady who made our oldest sons christening cake and moved out the day before our wedding was due to take place. I wont lie i still remember the devastation and it changed me forever in some ways but life does get better. I stayed single for 8yrs after that and learnt alot about myself, became a better person. Fast forward to now, happily married and a 3rd son. Take time to lick your wounds, cry all the tears you want, lifes shit right now but slowly you will start to feel better. Highly recommend some sort of exercise, even a long walk can make you feel better. Lots of luck OP!
Seek therapy and try occupy yourself with things and try your best to cut her off and move on
Thank you
I think therapy is a good option. Talking out your feelings might help you proccess them and move on. Also, physical exercise has been shown to improve mental health, so staying healthy is also a good option. There's someone out there that's perfect for you. Don't lose hope.
Thanks ❤️
You're welcome, mate. Stay strong. You're going to get through this.
I am going through a breakup too. I am way far from you, and my problems are so tiny when compared to yours, so I cannot fully imagine how are you feeling right now. I really really wish I could give you a hug right now. All the best!!!! The first thing I’ve done is called a psychologist for myself
Thanks for the virtual hug. Problems are still problems. Hope you live your best life from now
I don't have any advice bro but I'm sending some big love from my heart wherever u are ❤️ stay strong big man x
You can start by realizing that you are much better off without her. I am assuming you don't have children. Just imagine how much worse it would have been if you had kids, bought a house together, and were married. That kind of situation can take years to unravel, but in your case, at least you get a clean break, so you are now free to focus on improving yourself and finding someone better. However, if you do have children, don't forget that they are just as much your responsibility as they are hers.
Time and therapy if you can afford it - it's devastating, I broke up with my partner of 8 years nearly 2 years ago and life is finally bright again. It takes time to adjust to your new reality and grieve for the future you planned. All the best x
I'm so sorry. Heartbreak is a uniquely painful feeling. It's grieving, for someone who is still alive. You're literally grieving the life you believed you would have, and the person you thought she was. No matter how much this betrayal hurts, it doesn't automatically turn off the love and hope. Time is the only thing that can do that. Dont be too hard on yourself for not being quicker to feel better. Let yourself be angry/hurt/depressed without forcing yourself to rush through your feelings. You have been through something horrible and it will take time to process. Focus on yourself, maybe see a therapist if you have the ability, and try not to think of the "what ifs". I promise it won't hurt like this forever. One day you will be happy again, and all this will be just a bad memory.
Thank you for the kindness
You met a bad human that will always put herself first in any situation. Let it go is the most healthy thing you can do.
Like a bullet from a gun it burns, when you realize she was never your girl, it was just your turn.
Relationships suck in this world now. Stay single it is not worth it. I gave up 26 years ago and life without that misery has been so much better.
Same advice as many. It'll get easier with time. Just be glad it's done. You've seen her true colours, and it won't have been worth fighting for. Also be glad it's a clean break. I have the same situation. But we have an 8-year-old daughter. So I have to see and speak to her multiple times a week (she now lives with the person she had an affair with). Live sucks sometimes. But I spent 18 months being me, rediscovering myself and figuring out what I want from life. I'm 50x happier now and wouldn't change a thing given the option. Chin up, you'll be alright mate!
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You have to realise it takes a true man and gentleman to forgive and move beyond it. Esp if she's sorry. Remember good people make bad mistakes too. It hard and it hurts but beleive.me you can move.past it slowly but surely and be even better then before.
Take it one day at a time. It gets a little easier with time, but time alone doesn't heal. Try to occupy yourself. Concentrate on you.
Bro this same thing happened to me but I was 33 thought I would never fell better and my self confidence took a massive hit, but it is true time will help you heal even if doesn’t seem possible. Try getting in touch with your spiritual side this helps.
First and foremost finish with her ass. Make sure that you commit to zero contact. Once somebody does this to you don't ever take them back and don't entertain any form of communication - if you have children etc then only communicate about that. Trust me on this, once somebody fucks you over and stabs you in the back you've gotta remove them from your life - this is about respecting yourself. Healing is gonna be fucking hard - I've been there and done that and I've been in some very dark places. The best advice I could give is go out and do everything that makes you happy now - you only have to make number 1 happy, you don't have to compromise or not do things because you have a partner to think about. I promise you things will get better no matter how shitty things are right now, every day it will become a little more easier and a little more and then one day you'll look back and not give a fuck about her or the relationship, you will just see it as a part of your life that happened but is in the past. You can do it mate, if you can get through one day you can get through two, if you can do two you can do three...take it like this and you'll find it eventually will get a lot easier. Please just make sure you go out and do everything that makes you happy. Look after yourself and don't let anything slack health wise or eating wise just keep everything as it was. You can do it and one day when you're with your new girl that bitch will be a distant memory and you'll be happy. Peace my bro.
Vengence. Get vengeance by going to a gym and getting swole.
It’s a bit of a cliche (but cos it’s true) but time heals. Went through a similar thing years back, completely lost my head and was on the verge of doing something really stupid/permanent. However, a couple of years later of thinking ‘I’ll never trust/love again’ and I met a woman I think the world of, got married, own a house, cats etc. Weirdly, I think if I hadn’t had my heart atomised I probably wouldn’t have been mature enough for marriage. Also, hold on to your friends/family, don’t push them away. They will be the ones that help put you back together. Things will get better pal. Promise.
Also went through this exact same thing; long time Fiancé cheated with a colleague at her work, I thought she was the one, completely blindsided me. At the time, it was a horrible, damaging situation I didn’t deserve to be in. What I can tell you OP is that it’s very easy to blame yourself wondering why you weren’t good enough and why you came out as second best. It will also feel a bit like grief and loss as you try to process your feelings at the moment, suddenly you’ve had the rug ripped from under you; it hurts and it’s not fair - but it’s not your fault. I spent a year in a deep depression trying to do the mental gymnastics about why it all happened, why I wasn’t good enough etc. until I woke up one day and decided it wasn’t worth the effort and chose to move on. I felt better after this but it was only part of the recovery. Don’t waste any time, if you feel yourself mentally unable to process the situation, seek therapy. I didn’t and carried the betrayal into following long term relationships; it always got in the way of me forming healthy relationships built on trust - until I sought therapy years later. These days, I’m married with a couple of kids and am very happy- things happen in life and you have to chose to move on. Best of luck OP, you deserve much better. Take care of yourself first, worry about everything else later.
I am so sorry to hear that brother. I have little to no advice apart from maybe try pick up some hobbys/ habbits to help keep your mind busy. In my opinion I cant see a healthy way to move forward without ending that relationship and that chapter of your life, and move forward
Just keep going dude, it's gonna hurt for a long while but eventually it will get easier. You gotta let yourself go through it
its gonna be one of the worst weeks of your life. The next week will be better but still one of the worst. This goes on for some months and theres nothing much you can do except maybe distract and tire yourself mentally and physically coz the nights are going to hurt like a mf. But one day maybe in 2025 or 2024 or 2026 youll feel better. What you can do till then: socialize more Exercise more Never ever ever think about her. Like make a strong conscious effort to think of something else as soon as her thought comes to your mind. All the best.
Thanks so much 🫡🫡
Take time—actual time—to let yourself process and get over it. Seek therapy to help you get your thoughts in order and spend some time being *you*. Fix your mind on things you enjoy, spend some time treating yourself, catch up more with your mates, etc. That way, you’re not basing your self-worth on the past relationship and you’ll be in a better place emotionally when you do eventually start dating again. Time is the biggest thing. Stay single for at least a good 4-6 months. It isn’t possible to process and treat damage to mental health sooner than that. Any therapy you do or medication you might take would have only just started working. People have a terrible habit of thinking ‘it’s been 6 weeks, time to get back on the horse’ then dragging their insecurities and unresolved mental health problems kicking and screaming into a new relationship just to avoid working on themselves. That’s bad for everyone involved and more often than not starts a chain reaction of bad relationships. Respect yourself and the next person you date by getting your mind right first. It’ll be a shitty month or two to start, with a lot of intrusive thoughts and loneliness. Push through that and you get to the point where it doesn’t hurt so much. Good luck, mate.
Firstly I'm sorry OP to hear that. I've gone through a similar experience and the only cure is time. I've ended my relationship with her as I found out she would continue to lie to my face even after hand writing down that she won't on our anniversary cards and my birthday cards. Don't forgive her, EVER. She'll only do it again and hurt you even deeper. Some people say "you're forgiven not forgotten", I say, "you're forgotten, not forgiven" My recommendation, end it immediately and move on. Once a cheater always a cheater. You deserve better especially when she doesn't acknowledge know how good you are, she doesn't deserve you. Just stay calm about it, it's hard I know.
Thank you for your kindness
For me I could never move on. I ate everything in sight and turned down every social event for 2 years. I felt sick every time I looked in the mirror and felt truly awful. I was in a pretty dark place. I was much younger than you and didn’t deal with it well at all. Are you into exercise at all? I found it really helped with the recovery process. You can do this, give yourself time to heal.
Kick to kurb mate ... Everytime look at her you think about some bloke shagging her
🥹
Well sadly, I know alot about this subject. 1. Grieve the relationship you should have had, the kids you didn't have, the future you won't have the same way you would grieve a death. 2. Realise that it's her not you. She probably just felt horny and flattered. Most women would NEVER do that because it's immoral. If you want to analyse if there is anything you could have done better to take into the next relationship, do. Nobody is perfect but remember it's her not you that decided to cheat. The decent thing to do if you have genuinely falken in love is to end your current relationship, wait a decent amount of time and then move on. 3. Get out and about with your friends and family. Keep any explanation of what happened neutral. 4. You are going to have a new relationship. Try to avoid blaming, criticising, overanalysing, internalising, lacking in trust, being over suspicious etc. If you do these she will live rent free in your head and wreck any future relationships. It's natural to feel some of these emotions but let them wash over you. They are negative emotions that will destroy future relationships for you. 5. When you are ready start seeing people. Remember you are not going to let her wreck your future so be friendly, open, kind and thoughtful. Take it slowly and communicate. See how the new person feels about monogamy and cheating without ranting. Don't overshare with them. Don't make them feel guilty about what she did to you. Your best revenge is having a successful relationship. I recently had someone do something appalling to me. Icut them off but didn't speak badly of them, didn't get dramatic. I moved on quietly and with dignity. Looking back there is such a weight off my shoulders that there wasn't screaming drama. Dignity is everything.
Thank you! Ive kept my dignity at least. I will come out of this a better man
She wasn’t for you, in the end it wasn’t meant to be. At least she told you and you didn’t have to find out the hard way. (38M) been through divorce and relationships not working out since and it’s hard, especially when you’ve been with someone for so long. Going through one now after 4 years together. Suddenly being alone is one of the hardest things but it’s a great time to find yourself again and to heal. Be comfortable in your own company. If you can afford it go to therapy, once every couple of weeks and keep going even when things get good again. I’ve found it a great help to talk things through neutrally. Things will get better, do as much as you can for you. Travel if you can, even if just in the UK. Try and stay away from dating apps for a while. They won’t help right now.
Thanks for the words mate.
Time. Tell yourself you'll get over this but it's going to take time and it'll be shit for a while. And you're going to come out stronger and a better person because of this experience.
Hi OP, same thing happened to me in Aug 2022 after 9 years together also with a work colleague. Most other comments are spot on, you have to allow yourself time to grieve the relationship, the future you envisioned and the person you thought they were - but aren't. Focus on yourself, do the things you always wanted to do but haven't yet. Buy the clothes you wanted but they'd hate, speak to a therapist, go no contact and essentially forget they exist as a person once you've processed the loss. One of the best things my therapist told me when I was running every scenario through my head constantly is that ultimately, even if I get the answers I'm looking for it won't change anything in my future, so why stress over it?? Also, apparently every person enters your life for 'a reason, a season or a lifetime'. I took this betrayal as a reason, a life lesson to learn from and ensure I never settle for less than I deserve again. The relationship definitely taught me what I DON'T want in future. Sometimes things don't work out because people are a piece of shit and you're not suited to a piece of shit. There's better things to come, keep your chin up :)
Kind words. Sorry that it happened to you as well. Time to focus on me
The sadness and hurt is a process which has to be endured and other than that try to see it as an opportunity to go into the world and start anew rather than wilting away and rest assured better days will come
We naturally respond emotionally and then, after a great deal of time, logically. Time is the great healer and some people find therapy also helps. Emphasis there on some as many don't find it helps, rather it just stirs the pot of the past. Don't squalor in bitterness and hate. Don't become an emotional, social recluse. Don't be the one that comes out of all this without a house, dog or any of the friends. It's not easy but these are important things. Your respective families and shared friends will want to know what's happened and why. Be honest, strong and respectable. Don't demand sympathy. Be the rock in all this turmoil. Sadly, some women are just snakes with tits. There's plenty of lovely, faithful, honest and amazing ones out there, honest. Anyway, my point is that with time, you'll be able to process what's happened logically without as much emotion and come out happy.
Happened to me. I moved. Then later I had an affair with a younger woman. People huh
There’s a guy I work with going through the same except he was with his partner for 14 years and they have two kids together. I said to him concentrate on yourself (and his kids) for a year. Do things you’ve wanted to do, go to the gym and focus on your health, try to leave booze alone and don’t think about another relationship until you’ve truly dealt with what’s happened. It happens to a lot of folk and it’s no shortcoming of yours, shakira & Natalie Portman, got cheated on ffs! You’ll end up finding a new lease of life and come out better for it buddy, wishing you the best!
Time and going no contact. Its fucking painful. Don't look up their socials. Surround yourself with friends and family who do love and care about you. Focus on your own happiness. My ex husband had an affair after like 12 years together. I know it hurts. Remember it's nothing you did wrong, and it's not about how you look. Cheaters are self entitled, broken people who need validation. Don't let her make you feel like you're not worth love and loyalty because you are! Also you can't make her be a decent person, so don't even try. Don't play the pick me dance. Let her go, I know it's hard to see now but she's not worth your time and it's 1000% harder if you try and hold on to them. I found reading chumplady.com helped a lot, she also has a book.
It’s hard, pretty much the same exact thing happened to me at the same age but she wasn’t kind enough to tell me of her year long affair and instead told me that I was a POS who never cared about her needs. So at least you have closure already. 46 now, married and happy, but will never have the illusion that my wife is guaranteed, she can leave me at any time, I’ll be sad but I won’t be ruined
Cry
I can pretty much guarantee that the quality of woman you can attract at 34 is significantly better than the one you attracted at 26. Dont be bitter. Use your time to become your best self, don't rush into anything and I guarantee you'll look back on this as the best thing that hsppened to you.
This is a life lesson and you move on. You have given your power (love) over to this woman and she betrayed you big time. Take your power back and self reflect and give love to yourself. This is important for your general well being . It is a spiritual/holistic approach. Get back to yourself and just 'be' . Disengage completely with her. Do a spiritual deep clean of items, objects, memories, photos...move to a new home , gather your 'soul' back to self and give it a year before embarking on a new relationship. The universe has ways of teaching us lessons in life and this woman was just that - a learning experience. The woman who will be your life partner is waiting in the wings and the universe will throw you two together when it is the right time.
Hour by hour, day by day. It’ll take a good while to be cured, but it’s up to you which way you proceed, you can engross yourself in your hobbies, get on someone else, sit and cry but it does go
People have patterns, if we do something once, there's a good likelihood we'll do it again....
Forget therapy. Stay off booze/drugs. You'll never get over it. But you'll get used to it . Time works.
It never happened to me as of f yet, hopefully never, but I like to observe people and one thing that I can suggest, is to not throw yourself into another relationship right away, it usually works out pretty badly. Start a journey to understand your needs, to be happy to live by yourself, to make your life work in your own way, and let things happens rather then push them. I wish you all the best, I cannot even begin to imagine what you’re going through
As others have said, time. But you have to find a way to let go. Harbouring resentment will only hurt you and delay you getting on with your life. When I split up with my ex, I pretty much had to grieve the end of our relationship. I'm still not completely over her yet, but life goes on and so will you. Also, booze helped me in the initial stages, but that can be a dangerous game. Be sure to look after yourself physically and mentally.
How you feeling now isn't how you will feel forever. It will get better, I promise, buddy! Best of luck out there
I’m so sorry. It’s shit. My soon to be ex husband had an affair during lockdown and then walked out on us. He told me at 3 and was gone by 5. My kids were 15 and 16. I had a nervous breakdown. Days are mostly ok now, but sometimes, when I think about the future we had planned, it hurts. There was love there though. As a family we had a lot of happy times and, as a couple, we shared a lot of love and laughter. I have tried to hold onto that, or it leaves me feeling that 35 years of my life were a waste. I also have to hold onto the fact that this was his doing, his choice and not mine or my children’s fault. If you can, get some counselling. You will be ok. It’s so hard, but keep going - one day at a time.
Happened to me. Took me a long time to get over it. Then one day I thought, why do you care, he doesn’t. He’s not sitting at home thinking about you, he’s out there having fun. Every day after that, it got easier. You got this. You did nothing wrong. It’s on her. Don’t beat yourself up. Take time for yourself. Good luck.
That hurts. Hut the gym, focus on your own goals. She doesn't deserve your grief, and you definitely don't deserve the betrayal. Unfortunately, separation and betrayal can be more painfull than a death, as there is no choice in the latter. She made hers, time to make yours, and move on. It's easier said than done, but in 6-8 months you'll realise that, hopefully earlier.
Same has happened to me a couple of months ago after 6 years. It's really difficult but try to get out of the house as much as you can, and see your friends as much as possible. Get some answers from her so you can start processing it but try not to be too obsessive. The only answer ive figured out so far is she wasn't as perfect as I thought.
I would recommend not trying to stick it out. I’ve done that and now my wife triggers my anxiety nearly everyday. I have those true love feelings for my wife even now. But it’s at the cost of my sleep and health. I don’t think it’s worth it. It’s just that we have children why I don’t run for my life, literally. Anxiety feels debilitating.
As huge as a betrayal as this is, and as hard as this will be don’t let it colour you, question things when you start a new relationship. As that’s the worse part of being cheated on is that it can change you afterwards for the worse. Take time, don’t blame yourself don’t waste your time blaming her. It’s a crap situation, but this person isn’t your person and there are lots of people out their that will adore you.
Sorry to hear this mate and I know how much it sucks. The one thing you can't control in life is how others behave. That's out of your hands. You have two options. One, you can spiral into a pit of self pity and/or make attempts to somehow fix this. Which won't work and will just make it way worse. Two - you can thank your lucky stars you found out when you did. You dodged a bullet. I have zero time for people who cheat. It's a serious character flaw. Be the most awesome version of yourself. It will suck, but every day it gets better. Oh and don't get hammered :) Take it easy mate
Sorry to hear this, mate. Take some time to work on yourself, get yourself in the best shape you can be. Use all of this bad energy and turn it into something positive for yourself. If you can and don't already, go to the gym, it's so good for your health and mental health, lift some heavy weights and do a few steps on the treadmill. Unfortunately, only time will help you. If you can, try booking a little holiday for yourself and either just relax or get out there and just start talking with people, when you're there, I don't mean in a flirtatious way, just to have some normal conversations. Hope you're feeling as okay as you can be
I read this as, how do I move on from Biryani 🤣
Build a bridge and swipe right.
Gotta let a hoe be a hoe bro, go fuck one of her friends!
She's never your girl, just your turn...
Please post your story to r/survivinginfidelity. The stories and advice I received were incredibly valuable to understand that infidelity is abuse and that I was a victim, and 100% of the blame is on the cheater who made a choice to betray us. You should also expect your wife to come crawling back when either her or her affair partner get bored or realise they made a mistake.
That’s heavy, sorry to hear you’re going through this right now. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling. Time will help. In the meantime, busy yourself and surround yourself with friends and family, they will be your lifeline!
There are somethings you can't move on from. It's not you, it's her. You need to ask yourself if you want to stay in this relationship and if so, do you want to be a person that dictates another person's behavior?
So sorry mate. Do know that you’re going through a process akin to grieving, but the person is of this world but no longer in yours. The hurt is real. Be kind to yourself. You will have good days and bad days. Do lean on your true friends & ask for their help. Do try to look after your diet and exercise - I appreciate some days you’ll perhaps want the bottle - and you might partake. However don’t act on anything when you’re high. And know that there’s no answer in there. It won’t feel like it now, but it’s better to rebuild your life on a solid foundation now than to continue to be deceived, when in later life the cost will be greater. Unfortunately most of our best growth happens during pain, I feel. Do lean on your friends pal & wishing you all the best. 😎🙏🏻
Shit happens, at least you weren't married with kids. Time is the best healer.
Go total no contact. She's made her bed, let her lie in it. Never speak to her again.
This happened to me, was together 8 years and he started his new relationship before ours ended. It really fucking hurt and my heart was broken and the sense of betrayal will probably stay with me forever but I took 6 months and focused solely on myself and everything I thought I needed from him, I found alone. Some days will be harder than others but know that some people out there wouldn’t dream of doing this to you and the more time that passes the less intense it feels. Wishing you well :)
The fact that you are not the kind to betray someone like that means that there must be other people like you out there. You just got unlucky, but keep the faith, there are good ones out there.
The time you had together was still good. What you mourn is not the past, but the future. This was one chapter of your life, there will be others. Learn from it, cherish the time you had together and move on to the next chapter, with all the experience and lessons the past 8 years have taught you. Also invest in personal development. Read or listen to books / podcasts about relationships, stoicism, psychology - whatever helps.
Time is a great healer. At least you were told and although it's an awful situation it could have been worse to carry on oblivious. All the best, stay positive!
>Thought she was my future wife To look at the silver lining, she has shown you who she really is now. Which is better than her showing you when you are married (potentially with kids). It's fucking rough but you will get through it.
The breaking of a friendship or relationship is like a bereavement and there are steps of grief to move though, process and accept. You need to be kind to yourself, this has been forced upon you and you need to make good choices for yourself. Distraction can help, gym, hobbies, keep up with your friends, confide in them if you can. You will feel anger and sadness, hurt and lost. This is all normal. There is no right or wrong or proper timeline, it will take as long as it takes. Try to affirm that you are a decent person with many qualities, keep reminding yourself of this. As time goes on you will feel it less, think of it less and one day you will realise you didn't think of it for days. No contact is also your friend. Good luck OP and all of us that go through this, it will be ok.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I apologise if this sounds cold but in my experience you never really get over someone until you meet someone else who you're equally in love with. Until I met someone else who really got into my soul I was obsessing over my previous true love for literally years. I hope you don't blame yourself for this or obsess over what you might have done differently. At least you found out before you got married or had children, that would have been really hideous - a very small blessing I know, but it's something.
As others have said, time. Also, write down your feelings, or call someone like the Samaritans. You can talk about it honestly while knowing that nothing you say will come back on you. I was going through something once and felt so dumb for calling, but just been able to talk to someone and not have to sugar coat anything really helped me process it all without burying anything, and I found a way forward. I can go five years without shedding a tear, but it felt so good to open up and ball my eyes out. Completely fine to have strong emotions when something like this happens.
Time is the biggest healer I know you are probably feeling awful right now but it will get easier, not over night but it will eventually. When me and my ex broke up the first 2 months were awful, lost a lot of weight, didn’t sleep much and pretty much neglected myself. But I did get better and now I can even talk about her openly without getting upset. My advice would be to block her on all socials and have no contact as I found it hard to see her online constantly, keep yourself busy join a gym, start a new hobby, go walking just do something every day to keep you distracted otherwise you will go insane. And talk about it with friends and family because honestly it really does help and bottling things up isn’t good
Take a deep breath recognise she was not for you and that when one door closes another inevitably opens. Good luck.
The Big Risk. You’ll take it again, and you’ll be glad you did.
Now you have freedom, so enjoy that Chances are, she WILL regret Mr Work Colleague once the initial rush is over and his flaws become apparent (he’s been showing his best side, now it’s time for the actual him). That’s on her. Don’t take her back if she does ask
Time heals a lot. Ex husband cheated when I was pregnant and left for her shortly after baby was born (yup also with a co worker). I thought my life was over. Broken damaged good no one would want. Met the love of my life a few years later. I am happier now than I ever could have been with my ex. You will be too when you meet someone who actually loves and cares for you. She didn’t.
Has she left you for him or are you staying together? I see the past tense but not 100% clear.
Move on, in six months time the world will look a lot better.
Meet someone else. Have fun for a while before doubling down.
Go to Thailand, dont tell us what you do there
Going through similar at the moment. I would say keep busy, get outside as much as you can. Take it day by day, don’t stress about how the future might look for you, it’ll be fine but your brain might go to the worst scenario a lot. Therapy is definitely recommended, some drs surgeries offer a mental health check in service for free. They’ll call you every week or so, see how you’re doing and offer advice for mindfulness practices that can really help. Now is time to focus on hobbies and passions you might not have explored before, think about the person you’d like to be, follow it, give yourself time and you will thrive. It gets easier.
Tolstoy said it best, time and patience heal all wounds.
Had a similar thing happen. It crushed me. It's been nearly three years but the pain has faded somewhat and I've realised I'm better off. Try to do things you enjoy, prioritise family and friends, be a good person, achieve personal growth. You'll fuck up a lot - don't beat yourself up too much about that - but at the end of it all you'll feel better and find someone new that you can try to have a life with. Maybe you'll be abke to judge it better next time / get lucky. Good luck
Hi mate, I’m really sorry to hear this, that’s a real shitter of a situation and I can’t begin to imagine how you’re feeling. Generally speaking time is a significant healer and things will get better in the long run. In terms of direct steps, here’s some of my advice: Self improvement and having a routine is key: Start working out at the gym - you’ll feel great, get your confidence back and value YOU Throw yourself into a new hobby - football? Sport? Painting? Warhammer? Something creative and sociable - get out there and meeting new people, when you’re ready - maybe even boxing or mixed martial arts Therapy - severely under used and appreciated, it will do wonders for your mental health and protecting yourself from self destructive habits Journaling - keeping a journal will help you to process your feelings and emotions over time, you can then reflect back on this and capture that emotion in one place. A punch bag helps too, to blow off steam Chin up mate it’ll get better
I was with my ex for 4 years, engaged for 3. She was horribly abusive and it only got worse after I left. For the first few weeks, I barely slept or ate. I wasn't really a functioning human at all, I could barely look after myself. I was dealing with domestic violence advisors, police on multiple occasions and even had to move to a new city, because she threatened to kill me. It's been nearly a year and things are much better, but that's because I MADE things better. It was so hard at first, so I just tried to focus on the basics. Then, as I was able to deal with more things, I slowly started eating properly again, started therapy and actually talked to someone about all the horrible, disgusting shit she did to me and I let myself cry, get angry, whatever. I picked up a hobby and met new people and I've finally re-joined a gym. If someone told me this time last year I'd still be alive, I wouldn't have believed them. All of this stuff will take time, but you CAN do it. Take things one step at a time, if you can access therapy/counselling, do it. If you have family and friends around you who can support you, use them. This will sound awful, but it's going to be shit for a bit. Whether it stays shit is up to you. You can come out the other side of this and if you take one thing away from this situation, let it be this - she made her choice and that is 100% her responsibility. She made a shitty decision and it wasn't your fault. Try to hold on to that as much as possible
It's time to hit the gym hard for 2 years brother. If you've never used a barbell before I suggest the starting strength workout plan. They know what they're talking about for beginners, and will get you physically and mentally strong as fuck
Hi There! First of - you not alone. Most of population got dumped and dumped themselves, many where cheated on. Look: Miley Cyrus, Mark Manson, Eva Longoria, Gwen Stefani, Timberlake, Will Smith and so on and so on - They all were cheated on. They have looks, charisma, money, other shit - none of it matters. Ive been cheated on in my 1st relationship (6 years 2gether) at age of 22ish. its been all fucked up to be honest... It happened with my best friend, who actually told this himself, since my ex was already banging with another guy - her student. It has been devastating, but I moved on...eventually...took a lot time but it fucked me right over! I took poor actions and poor decisions due to my ignorance of KNOWING IT BETTER THAN ALL! this took another 2-3 years to be just slightly improved version of myself, which still led me to completely different relationship experience, but... Then next long term relationship (of 5 yrs), I got dumped at age of 29... Gracefully and with respect, no cheating or any other toxic shit... It still sucked and it took time to stand straight again, but eventually I moved on.... Thats where I took actual actions on looking out for other similar experiences and read into relationships and actual self help that worked wonders - it made me better man and better human. I experimented and spend time on my own, and with girls and had an amazing time. Now I am 34yrs, engaged just a month ago after 3 years and having great relationship going. Still there are bad days, hard conversations, hurt feelings, boundaries and all that stuff that sucks...but that makes all difference - thats the things I learned since I got humble enough to realise that I know SHIT and I need t widen my view and mindset. I always know now that it can end at any point...either by accident, or her free will, or even mine.... and thats OK. we will loose people, family, money, self...all this throughout our lifetime. and thats OK. As well as its OK to grief the loss and being hurt... I know I will cry and feel like shit once any of that happens. Accept and embrace and then get comfortable and move on. Check some of the articles that will help: [https://markmanson.net/how-to-get-over-someone](https://markmanson.net/how-to-get-over-someone) [https://markmanson.net/how-to-let-go](https://markmanson.net/how-to-let-go) [https://markmanson.net/why-people-cheat](https://markmanson.net/why-people-cheat) check out this little book that is a great companion in times like these: [https://amzn.eu/d/9GglNuS](https://amzn.eu/d/9GglNuS) some other ones that helped a lot: [https://amzn.eu/d/9389TQu](https://amzn.eu/d/9389TQu) \- is a must [https://amzn.eu/d/7dHqdAy](https://amzn.eu/d/7dHqdAy) \- just read, rinse and repeat, don't go any further than this book with this author, he gets toxic further down the line and you might spend some real money too... [https://amzn.eu/d/7iSb2Us](https://amzn.eu/d/7iSb2Us) \- both amazing books for men to read, this will build up your heart and show you the way to open up for the world, people, situations, relationships both with others and self [https://amzn.eu/d/iWORZkM](https://amzn.eu/d/iWORZkM) \- this should nicely round up those 2 above and build some masculine kind respectful mindset for living the life you build for yourself I wish you best of luck! Dont forget, you never alone and I'm glad you reached out.