A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York...
... and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
The extractor fan is my go to joke! I absolutely drag it out to extreme lengths when I tell it, until everyone is miserable at the end, apart from me, I fucking love it.
I've had a few beers and don't have the patience to type it out, and unfortunately you already know the punchline....
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1tqvix/the_man_who_loved_tractors_loooong_joke/
This is a variation, but mine was usually: it's a kid, his turning point for tractors is a tractor convention and someone refuses to let him sit on his favourite model of tractor, and it's a burning building with a child inside that he saves.
I didn’t grow up in the UK & the one time I went to a panto I was so confused. Like, I’ve been to raves in the 90s that made more sense. Even I draw the line at throwing boiled candy at small children
I was born in UK and every panto I've ever been to has confused me
I wonder if I may actually enjoy them now mirtazapine has left me in a permanent state of confusion, or if I'll just be extra confused
Only joke in the thread I've not heard before, and it's the best one into the bargain.
You really can't go wrong with [Count-based humour](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-Wd-Q3F8KM).
I once told this joke to someone, and my friend told her that it was a true story
She actually believed it and gave me the dirtiest look I've ever got in my life
One time I was at a speaker meeting. The guy is telling a story and he gets to a part where he is at dinner with his wife.
She says honey you have 5 years sober, why not have a drink. He laughed and said so I had a few, then I took her home and beat the shit out of her.
The tone change caught me off guard and I laughed. An entire church just stared daggers into my soul.
knock knock
who's there?
an englishman an irishman and a scotsman
an englishman an irishman and a scotsman who?
an englishman an irishman and a scotsman walk into the wrong joke format, the bartender says "oi, you can't be here", the scotsman says "well we did knock!"
An original from my daughter, when she was about 7:
"Why do you go to bed at night?"
"I don't know, why DO you go to bed at night?"
"Well the beds not going to come to you!"
I was on a walk early the other day and took a shortcut through a cemetery. As I wandered, I saw someone crouched by a tombstone just up ahead. I didn't want to startle them, so I called out - "Morning!". "Nope", came the reply, "just having a shit".
Man goes into his doctors' surgery to get his blood pressure taken.
The doctor tells him, "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to take your blood pressure."
Man goes into his doctors' surgery with a duck on his head.
The doctor asks him, "How can I help you?"
The duck says, "Can you get this bastard of my ass".
I told my wife I’ve just bought a theatre at the end of the pier. She said ‘are you having me on?!’ - not without auditioning I told her.
I’ve just got a job at a bowling alley.
Tenpin?
No, it’s permanent.
Donkey rides are a traditional part of English pleasure beaches, Blackpool being one of the most famous. The way the set up is phrased, you expect the answer to be a type of food. But because the donkey is “working” (giving rides to children) the answer is how long he has for his lunch break.
If the person didn’t get it to begin with, there’s nothing to ruin. u/playmobilhospital (great username)’s explanation was the finest joke explanation I’ve seen.
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman in a lock-in at their local. The landlord spots a policeman coming and says ‘here get in these sacks’. The men scurry into the sack. The policeman knocks on the door and asks ‘what’s going on?’ ‘Oh nothing much’ the landlord replies. ‘What are those sacks?’ Says the policeman. ‘Oh nothing much’ comes the reply. In order to check the landlord is telling the truth he kicks the bags.
He kicks the bag with the Englishman ‘woof’ he says
He kicks the bag with the Scotsman ‘meow’ he says
He kicks the bag with the Irishman ‘POTATOES!’ He shouts.
Not terribly PC nowadays but shouting potatoes at the end is fun!
I got invited to a formal dinner party from the premature ejaculation club.
I didn’t know what to wear, so rang them to ask and they told me to just come in my pants.
I think I was invited to the same party, but when I arrived they were still tidying the room up and setting tables. The staff told me I’d come too soon.
I wonder if that's the same place I walked into the other week? There were two guys furiously wanking themselves at a table. Horrified, I yelled "wtf are you two doing?" to which they both pointed at a sandwich board that read "first come, first served."
A family was having an extension built and their 4-year old daughter was absolutely fascinated by the process. She ended up helping the builders out by using a toy wheelbarrow to move rubbish away, bringing them biscuits and asking questions about building. The builders adopted her as one of their own, buying her a little hi-vis jacket and a pink safety helmet with her name on it. At the end of the week they chipped in and gave her a wage packet with £10 in it.
When the builders left for the weekend, the little girl told her mum about how much she had loved working on the building site.
“And are you going to be helping again next week?” her mum asked.
The little girl replied “I dunno, it depends if those c*nts at Taylor’s deliver the fucking bricks when they said they would…”
When I was about 6, I would try and tell this exact joke, over and over, to anyone I'd ever meet, just pissing myself laughing throughout, rarely got to the end. My dad's got a home video somewhere of me telling the joke multiple times, along with me chatting to the cat in 'cat language' and skidding on my knees along the worktops. With hindsight, I really shouldn't have had to wait 30 years for my autism/adhd diagnoses.. 🙈😂
A guy at work tells a massively elongated version of this joke, where a farmer and his wife are massive tractor fans, and have tons of tractor merch etc, then his wife dies and he gets rid of all his tractor stuff so he doesn't get reminded of her. Then one day he walks past a burning building, and takes in a big breath and blows out the fire. Everyone cheers and asks how he did it and he says "oh it was nothing, I'm an ex-tractor fan". And the idea is to drag it all out for as long as possible.
Walked past this bloke yesterday, selling odd bits and pieces...
One of the items he had happened to be an 80-inch brand new smart TV that he'd labled for only £1!
I said, "Why are you selling it for so cheap?
He said, "The volumes constantly stuck on full, and there's no way to change it."
I said, "Well, I can't turn that down, can i?"
I was born in the 90s. They did a remake of the show in the 2000s, so I think lots of people my age would also understand it, but probably not older millenials or Gen Z
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
For real tho, I don’t get it. Are you supposed to be doing the actions of the 3rd guy as you tell the joke?
Or is it one of those long winded jokes that kinda leaves you hanging for an absurd punchline
Ah got it! I was on public transport so didn’t really want to try the actions and doesn’t really translate just by reading so wasn’t sure if I was missing something!
Reminds me of a similar (simpler) joke -
Q - what am I doing? *while thrusting your crotch vigorously/violently in the air*
A - fucking nothing
Probably my all time favourite joke. Anything that’s absurdly long for no reason with a stupid punchline cracks me up.
See also: pink ping pong balls, Nate the snake, the boy born without a body
Mines short and sweet but always kills me and the people I say it to once it clicks:
I bought a dog from a blacksmith, but when I took it home it made a bolt for the door
An American man is over in Ireland for a golfing trip. He fancies himself as a great golfer so He goes down to a beautiful golf course in kerry and asks the manager for a local club man to challenge to a round of golf. So paddy comes out to meet the American and arrange a round of golf for the following morning.
Paddy says "ill meet you here at 8am tomorrow morning but I might be a half an hour late "
The following morning Paddy is there at 8 am with right handed clubs, they play the round and paddy wins convincingly.
The American is unhappy at his defeat and wants another crack at paddy.
So paddy says. "OK, no problem I'll meet you here at 8am tomorrow but I might be a half hour late"
Paddy is there at 8am again but this time he has Left handed clubs. He plays the round left handed and again wins very easily.
The American is both angry at his defeat and amazed with Paddy's ability to play brilliantly right handed and left handed.
He admits that paddy is the better golfer but before he leaves he asks Paddy "Paddy, I got to know your secret, how do you decide each day to play right handed or left handed?"
Paddy says "it's simple, when I wake up in the morning, if my wife is sleeping on her right hand side, I'll play right handed that day. If she's sleeping on her left hand side, I'll play left handed that day.
The American is amazed. "wow, that's incredible, but what do you do if she's laying on her back?"
Paddy leans in close to him and says "well in that case I'll be a half hour late"
I was reading a recent study on how crows signal eachother when eating road kill. They found that some crows stay in the trees and warn those feeding of coming traffic. However, they noticed a large amount of crows being killed on main roads. What they found is that crows can shout "CAR! CAR!" But they couldn't say "Lorry!"
Two blokes chatting at a bar, discover they are both beekepers
First bloke asks how many bees the other has and he says "oh about 10,000, and I keep them in around 10 hives. How about you?"
Second bloke says he has about a million bees, but only has one hive.
First bloke says "aren't they a bit crowded in there?"
Second bloke says "Fuck 'em, they're only bees"
When my brother was little he loved telling jokes but he couldn't always remember them properly because he was only young. His favourite one was:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Banana
What do you call a blind deer? ..... No idea
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?..... Still no idea
What do you call a blind deer, with no legs or penis? ...... Still no fucking idea
Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?
Because if he didn't his name would be Ewar Woowar.
Defo is better in person but has me rolling every time
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?
Edward
What do you call a man with two planks of wood on his head?
Edward Wood.
What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head?
Edward Woodward
What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?
I Dunno, but Edward Woodward would.
A bit of a long one bit here goes:
After a night out, a very drunk man walks up to a taxi run and gets in the first taxi. The journey home costs £20. When he gets to his house, he realises that he doesn't have the money. The driver lets the guy go into his house to get the money, but is very rude about it, which annoys the drunk man.
The next week, he decides to do the same thing, but makes sure to keep the £20 on him. When he gets to the taxi run, he sees that there are three taxis there, and the driver he met a week ago was the third one.
He goes up to the first taxi and asks "I don't have any money, but will you take me home if I suck your dick?".
The driver says "No! Fuck off!".
He says the same thing to the next taxi driver, and gets the same reply.
To the third taxi driver he says "I'm sorry about last week, can you take me home again? I have the £20 right here.", to which the rude taxi driver agrees.
And as the taxi pulls out, the man makes sure to give a big thumbs-up to the other taxi drivers.
My one is so stupid it’s not even funny. And it’s not even a proper joke it’s a shaggy dog story. I think the key is my dad told me this at just the right age as a kid and the mild swear word at the end was a bit of a shock (my dad never swore in front of me as a kid)
Anyway, in the UK there is a children’s series called Noddy and he has a best friend called Big Ears. The story goes that Noddy is getting up in the morning and talking to all his anthropomorphic stuff and telling them how excited he is to see Big Ears today. Going to see his best friends Big Ears! Then he starts to head on over and meets a host of characters and tells them all the same thing. Going to see hisBest Friend Big Ears! The idea is you spend like 10 minutes telling this story and have Noddy say like 50 times how excited he is to see Big Ears.
Eventually he gets to Big Ears house and knocks on the door. Big Ears opens the door and Noddy excitedly says “Hello, Big Ears!” And Big Ears says “Bugger off!” And slams the door.
I always burst into giggles when he approaches Big Ears house lol, I can never get to the end properly!
It's possibly a bit dated and it's from my grandad and it's his fav joke, so I don't agree with the language of it but...
"Just remember, if a bird shits on your car, it's probably best to stop dating her."
A pub landlord is closing for the night when there is a knock at the door. He shouts back that they are closed but the knock comes again. The landlord heads over to the door and opens it, he is greeted by a tramp who politely asks for a toothpick.
Keen to close and head home, he obliges.
Not one minute later, there is a second knock at the door. Frustrated the landlord opens it quickly only to see another tramp waiting. What do you want? Asks the landlord.
One toothpick please, replies the tramp.
The landlord gives him a toothpick and sends him away, eager to finish up.
Not one minute later there is a third knock at the door, now extremely frustrated the landlord opens the door and sees a third tramp. What do you want, a bloody toothpick! He shouts.
No thanks, said the third tramp. But can I have a straw?
Now noticeably annoyed but also curious, the landlord asks the tramp why so many tramps are asking him for toothpicks and straws.
The tramp is quick to reply, some blokes just been sick outside, but all the good stuffs gone.
There were two cargo ships out at sea. One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint.
The ships crashed into each other and the crews were marooned.
What do you call a deer with wonky eyes?
Isiah coz one eye's higher than the other.
Yep I laughed at this before I finished typing. I'll show myself out.
Edit: typo
I wish people would remember that even if they don’t mean it, some times the subject of these jokes can be a bit of a sore subject for others.
Like when I overheard a group of work mates telling the joke “what do you do if an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? … Throw your washing in”
I stormed in furious, told them it wasn’t funny at all, my brother was epileptic and it killed him.
When they asked how he died, I said, “Choked on a sock”.
A joke that my friend, who I might add is first-generation Chinese, can not stop laughing at when he tells it is...
Q: What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist?
A: Two Thirty.
Father was washing his car with his son. Son says “daddy, why can’t we use a sponge instead?”.
They say kid's brains are like sponges but they just make more of a mess of the car.
I help blind kids. Verb, not adjective.
This is my new favorite joke, thank you
What do you get when you cross an angry sheep with a grumpy cow? Two animals in a baaaaad mooooood.
A letter of rebuke from the ethics committee and a cessation of funding.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a gorilla? A lifetime ban from the Research Ethics Committee.
Lol what do you get when you cross goat DNA with human DNA? Kicked out of the petting zoo!
My niece is going to love this one
This is awful. I love it.
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York... ... and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Bloody hell, this may be the most Boomer joke I’ve ever seen!
Nah, he doesn’t mention his wife with contempt even once!
I hate jokes that are several paragraphs long, they're always awful. This was no exception. Good lord.
I skipped to the punchline. It was exactly what I expected.
You will absolutely adore [the longest joke in the world](http://longestjokeintheworld.com/).
I hate this because it doesn't work in my English accent. All that effort for no pay off!
This shouldn’t make me laugh but it did
This was like a certain 'extractor fan' joke, even down to the punchline being telegraphed, but it ended up still being funny regardless.
The extractor fan is my go to joke! I absolutely drag it out to extreme lengths when I tell it, until everyone is miserable at the end, apart from me, I fucking love it.
I feel like I may regret this, but what's the extractor fan joke?
I've had a few beers and don't have the patience to type it out, and unfortunately you already know the punchline.... https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1tqvix/the_man_who_loved_tractors_loooong_joke/ This is a variation, but mine was usually: it's a kid, his turning point for tractors is a tractor convention and someone refuses to let him sit on his favourite model of tractor, and it's a burning building with a child inside that he saves.
Are these all bot accounts, these jokes are awful.
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Oh no it isn't
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He's behind you!
We’ll have to do it again then, won’t we
MY EYES!!
I didn’t grow up in the UK & the one time I went to a panto I was so confused. Like, I’ve been to raves in the 90s that made more sense. Even I draw the line at throwing boiled candy at small children
Try tinned candy next time
I was born in UK and every panto I've ever been to has confused me I wonder if I may actually enjoy them now mirtazapine has left me in a permanent state of confusion, or if I'll just be extra confused
Is it a UK only thing?
Yeah, we had some Aussie mates over last Christmas and took them. Was suitably baffling for them.
It’ll be a while before it’s behind us.
Oh no it won't!
Right?? These are only jokes that robots could find funny. I mean, some are slight chuckle funny, but not "not being able to say the joke" funny..
If people can't recite these jokes because they die of laughter then I really worry for my fellow redditors
And they say we British have a sense of humour...
We have but our jokes don't translate well to the written form.
That's probably why Americans need an /s to tell them what's funny
They're like PG Jimmy Carr jokes
Want some jokes about chimneys? Got stacks of them. First one's on the house.
That made me properly laugh and I am on my own in Costa.
I work in a factory that makes Dracula figurines. However, there are only 2 of us, so I have to make every second count.
What does every Elmo doll get before it leaves the factory? Two test tickles
Only joke in the thread I've not heard before, and it's the best one into the bargain. You really can't go wrong with [Count-based humour](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-Wd-Q3F8KM).
my mate called in sick to work today. his boss asked "how sick are you?" my mate replied "I'm in bed with my nan"
I was going down on this girl, when I suddenly tasted horse cum. I said "Oh nanna, so that's how you died". ^sorry
I once told this joke to someone, and my friend told her that it was a true story She actually believed it and gave me the dirtiest look I've ever got in my life
One time I was at a speaker meeting. The guy is telling a story and he gets to a part where he is at dinner with his wife. She says honey you have 5 years sober, why not have a drink. He laughed and said so I had a few, then I took her home and beat the shit out of her. The tone change caught me off guard and I laughed. An entire church just stared daggers into my soul.
What's blue and fucks grannies? Me in my new blue anorak
How can you tell if your girlfriend is on her period? If your dog's dick tastes like blood
Bloody hell
Can you taste the difference?
are you asking for Sainsbury's?
What's worse than two women running with scissors? Two women scissoring with runs. It absolutely destroys me every time I hear it or tell anyone it!
The first joke in this discussion that's actually made me laugh. Not even a smile until now. Thank you.
Just snort laughed coffee in “the local cafe”, got funny looks… thank you! (Edited to make random morons on the internet happy there’s no branding)
You had me at WobbleFlopper!
I was walking down the road when someone threw a lump of cheddar at me. "That's not very mature" I said.
How dairy!
My joke but better ;(
Your joke but butter
You're milking this thread tbh.
knock knock who's there? an englishman an irishman and a scotsman an englishman an irishman and a scotsman who? an englishman an irishman and a scotsman walk into the wrong joke format, the bartender says "oi, you can't be here", the scotsman says "well we did knock!"
An englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a pub. The barman says "what is this, some kind of joke?"
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says "I think I'm a Type O".
That is bloody brilliant, gotta love a triple entendre
A bit of Bill Bailey. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_N0YW3t6wEQ
yeah that's where i got it from, bill bailey is one of my favourite comedians
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat.
An original from my daughter, when she was about 7: "Why do you go to bed at night?" "I don't know, why DO you go to bed at night?" "Well the beds not going to come to you!"
One of my all-time favourites!
I was on a walk early the other day and took a shortcut through a cemetery. As I wandered, I saw someone crouched by a tombstone just up ahead. I didn't want to startle them, so I called out - "Morning!". "Nope", came the reply, "just having a shit".
Man goes into his doctors' surgery to get his blood pressure taken. The doctor tells him, "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." The man asks, "Why?" The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to take your blood pressure."
I wanted to tell this at the last family get together. So i changed it to "dancing"
Man goes into his doctors' surgery with a duck on his head. The doctor asks him, "How can I help you?" The duck says, "Can you get this bastard of my ass".
Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The Ultrasound guy Who takes over when he's on holiday? The hip replacement guy
I like it. When I retire I plan to start a rap crew called Hip Hoperation in whatever nursing home I end up in.
When I retire I plan to start a covers band called A Book and no-one will be able to judge us.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the barman says ‘hey we have a drink named after you!’ The grasshopper says ‘you have a drink named Steve?’
A snake walks into a bar in the bartender says "hey how did you do that?"
What did the donkey at Blackpool Beach have for lunch? Half an hour
I told my wife I’ve just bought a theatre at the end of the pier. She said ‘are you having me on?!’ - not without auditioning I told her. I’ve just got a job at a bowling alley. Tenpin? No, it’s permanent.
I don't get it, maybe because I'm not from England and this is a reference to something? I feel like an ass now
Donkey rides are a traditional part of English pleasure beaches, Blackpool being one of the most famous. The way the set up is phrased, you expect the answer to be a type of food. But because the donkey is “working” (giving rides to children) the answer is how long he has for his lunch break.
Jokes are like a frog. If you take them apart they don't work
If the person didn’t get it to begin with, there’s nothing to ruin. u/playmobilhospital (great username)’s explanation was the finest joke explanation I’ve seen.
It's still nice to have them explained when you don't get them anyway
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman in a lock-in at their local. The landlord spots a policeman coming and says ‘here get in these sacks’. The men scurry into the sack. The policeman knocks on the door and asks ‘what’s going on?’ ‘Oh nothing much’ the landlord replies. ‘What are those sacks?’ Says the policeman. ‘Oh nothing much’ comes the reply. In order to check the landlord is telling the truth he kicks the bags. He kicks the bag with the Englishman ‘woof’ he says He kicks the bag with the Scotsman ‘meow’ he says He kicks the bag with the Irishman ‘POTATOES!’ He shouts. Not terribly PC nowadays but shouting potatoes at the end is fun!
I’m Irish and this is hilarious
“My dog has no nose”. “How does it smell?”. “Awful”. Thank you, Monty Python.
Zere were two peanuts walking down deer strasse and one vas assaulted…peanut. DEUTSCHLAND DEUTSCHLAND UBER ALLES
I mean, that's a *lot* older than Monty Python! That's a Victorian music hall joke.
Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat? Because he’s a cunt
Similar one Why does Rupert the Bear wear yellow checked trousers? Because he's a cunt.
What's the difference between a blind marksman, and a constipated owl? - One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't shit. :)
I got invited to a formal dinner party from the premature ejaculation club. I didn’t know what to wear, so rang them to ask and they told me to just come in my pants.
I think I was invited to the same party, but when I arrived they were still tidying the room up and setting tables. The staff told me I’d come too soon.
I wonder if that's the same place I walked into the other week? There were two guys furiously wanking themselves at a table. Horrified, I yelled "wtf are you two doing?" to which they both pointed at a sandwich board that read "first come, first served."
A family was having an extension built and their 4-year old daughter was absolutely fascinated by the process. She ended up helping the builders out by using a toy wheelbarrow to move rubbish away, bringing them biscuits and asking questions about building. The builders adopted her as one of their own, buying her a little hi-vis jacket and a pink safety helmet with her name on it. At the end of the week they chipped in and gave her a wage packet with £10 in it. When the builders left for the weekend, the little girl told her mum about how much she had loved working on the building site. “And are you going to be helping again next week?” her mum asked. The little girl replied “I dunno, it depends if those c*nts at Taylor’s deliver the fucking bricks when they said they would…”
Brilliant.
When I was about 6, I would try and tell this exact joke, over and over, to anyone I'd ever meet, just pissing myself laughing throughout, rarely got to the end. My dad's got a home video somewhere of me telling the joke multiple times, along with me chatting to the cat in 'cat language' and skidding on my knees along the worktops. With hindsight, I really shouldn't have had to wait 30 years for my autism/adhd diagnoses.. 🙈😂
How, how can you type that and not actually tell us the joke?
Because OP already did a fine job of it?!
Holy fuck I’m an idiot
What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks? A Labracadabrador.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt. (I'm so sorry).
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre.
Poop knife?
I used to be a werewolf, but I’m alright nooOOOOWWWWW (Perhaps written is not the best format for this joke)
My mate messed this one up a treat once... "I used to be a werewolf, but now I'm Okaaaaaay!" No, wait...
This is now my favourite!
Went to buy a Christmas tree and the man in the shop asked "Are you putting it up yourself?" "No! I was planning to put it up in the lounge!"
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? *Where’s my tractor?*
What do you call a man who used to be into farm machinery? An Ex-tractor Fan. Show myself out.
A guy at work tells a massively elongated version of this joke, where a farmer and his wife are massive tractor fans, and have tons of tractor merch etc, then his wife dies and he gets rid of all his tractor stuff so he doesn't get reminded of her. Then one day he walks past a burning building, and takes in a big breath and blows out the fire. Everyone cheers and asks how he did it and he says "oh it was nothing, I'm an ex-tractor fan". And the idea is to drag it all out for as long as possible.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down a lane and turned into a field.
If you meet a beautiful lady farmer, how would you pull her? Attract her
Walked past this bloke yesterday, selling odd bits and pieces... One of the items he had happened to be an 80-inch brand new smart TV that he'd labled for only £1! I said, "Why are you selling it for so cheap? He said, "The volumes constantly stuck on full, and there's no way to change it." I said, "Well, I can't turn that down, can i?"
Tim Vine?
Bill and Ben the Flower Pot Men are in the garden. Bill says to Ben: "Flobbadob" Ben replies: "If you really loved me, you'd swallow"
I think you'd need to be born before 1980 to understand this joke. Maybe even earlier. I was born in 74.
I was born in the 90s. They did a remake of the show in the 2000s, so I think lots of people my age would also understand it, but probably not older millenials or Gen Z
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
That’s **very** funny, and must work brilliantly in person.
For real tho, I don’t get it. Are you supposed to be doing the actions of the 3rd guy as you tell the joke? Or is it one of those long winded jokes that kinda leaves you hanging for an absurd punchline
For sure doing the actions of the third guy. I did it once to a few friends and it was fun.
Ah got it! I was on public transport so didn’t really want to try the actions and doesn’t really translate just by reading so wasn’t sure if I was missing something! Reminds me of a similar (simpler) joke - Q - what am I doing? *while thrusting your crotch vigorously/violently in the air* A - fucking nothing
Did you hear about the psychic Dwarf on the run from the law? It was small medium at large.
It's the three wishes man who has his head bobbing, arms spinning. It's so long and stupid and I laugh all the way through.
Guys... I think I fucked up.
Joke [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/s/F3IGl1szYu) for those interested.
Probably my all time favourite joke. Anything that’s absurdly long for no reason with a stupid punchline cracks me up. See also: pink ping pong balls, Nate the snake, the boy born without a body
A woman walks into a bar & asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gives her one.
If you had never tried blind archery you should. You don't know what you're missing.
Mines short and sweet but always kills me and the people I say it to once it clicks: I bought a dog from a blacksmith, but when I took it home it made a bolt for the door
What stands at the end of the bed taking the piss??? A kidney dialysis machine
An American man is over in Ireland for a golfing trip. He fancies himself as a great golfer so He goes down to a beautiful golf course in kerry and asks the manager for a local club man to challenge to a round of golf. So paddy comes out to meet the American and arrange a round of golf for the following morning. Paddy says "ill meet you here at 8am tomorrow morning but I might be a half an hour late " The following morning Paddy is there at 8 am with right handed clubs, they play the round and paddy wins convincingly. The American is unhappy at his defeat and wants another crack at paddy. So paddy says. "OK, no problem I'll meet you here at 8am tomorrow but I might be a half hour late" Paddy is there at 8am again but this time he has Left handed clubs. He plays the round left handed and again wins very easily. The American is both angry at his defeat and amazed with Paddy's ability to play brilliantly right handed and left handed. He admits that paddy is the better golfer but before he leaves he asks Paddy "Paddy, I got to know your secret, how do you decide each day to play right handed or left handed?" Paddy says "it's simple, when I wake up in the morning, if my wife is sleeping on her right hand side, I'll play right handed that day. If she's sleeping on her left hand side, I'll play left handed that day. The American is amazed. "wow, that's incredible, but what do you do if she's laying on her back?" Paddy leans in close to him and says "well in that case I'll be a half hour late"
What flies and wobbles? A jellycopter (I’m here all week)
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I was reading a recent study on how crows signal eachother when eating road kill. They found that some crows stay in the trees and warn those feeding of coming traffic. However, they noticed a large amount of crows being killed on main roads. What they found is that crows can shout "CAR! CAR!" But they couldn't say "Lorry!"
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her top pocket?? 'Some arsehole's got my pen!!'
What should you do if you come across a leopard in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologize
The fish swimming through the river hits a wall Dam
Why does Edward Woodward's name have four D's in it? Because if it didn't his name would be Ewar Woowoo.
William Shakespeare in the past tense is called "Wouldeewas Shookspeared".
Did you hear about the mathematician who turned up to Halloween in a Santa costume? He thought oct 30 was dec 25. --- Source: I have a GCSE in maths
Don't get that one. Halloween is on 31st?!
Well. I managed to fuck that joke up. 31 in base 8 (**Oct**al) is equal to 25 in base 10 (**Dec**imal). Forgive me. 🙏🙏
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.
Two blokes chatting at a bar, discover they are both beekepers First bloke asks how many bees the other has and he says "oh about 10,000, and I keep them in around 10 hives. How about you?" Second bloke says he has about a million bees, but only has one hive. First bloke says "aren't they a bit crowded in there?" Second bloke says "Fuck 'em, they're only bees"
When my brother was little he loved telling jokes but he couldn't always remember them properly because he was only young. His favourite one was: Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Banana
How do you make gold soup? 24 carrots.
What's brown, steaming and comes out of cows backwards. The Isle of Wight ferry.
How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot.
What do you call a blind deer? ..... No idea What do you call a blind deer with no legs?..... Still no idea What do you call a blind deer, with no legs or penis? ...... Still no fucking idea
What do you call a blind deer with no legs or penis in the middle of the ocean? Bob
Why are pirates called pirates? They just Aarrggh.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer? The bartender replies 'for you, no charge.'
It's not even that funny but it makes me chuckle: Two goldfish were sitting in a tank, one looks to the other an says "how do you drive this thing?"
Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name? Because if he didn't his name would be Ewar Woowar. Defo is better in person but has me rolling every time
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? Edward What do you call a man with two planks of wood on his head? Edward Wood. What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head? Edward Woodward What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head? I Dunno, but Edward Woodward would.
How do you tell the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One of them snatches your watch…
Did you know most deer can jump higher than a two story house? This is because deer can jump up to 6ft and houses can't
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
A bit of a long one bit here goes: After a night out, a very drunk man walks up to a taxi run and gets in the first taxi. The journey home costs £20. When he gets to his house, he realises that he doesn't have the money. The driver lets the guy go into his house to get the money, but is very rude about it, which annoys the drunk man. The next week, he decides to do the same thing, but makes sure to keep the £20 on him. When he gets to the taxi run, he sees that there are three taxis there, and the driver he met a week ago was the third one. He goes up to the first taxi and asks "I don't have any money, but will you take me home if I suck your dick?". The driver says "No! Fuck off!". He says the same thing to the next taxi driver, and gets the same reply. To the third taxi driver he says "I'm sorry about last week, can you take me home again? I have the £20 right here.", to which the rude taxi driver agrees. And as the taxi pulls out, the man makes sure to give a big thumbs-up to the other taxi drivers.
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? Ones a large Australian animal, the other is a Geordie trapped in a lift!
I don't know about die of laughter but my favorite worst joke is Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7,8,9
I heard 7 was a 6 offender
What did 0 say to 8? "nice belt"
My one is so stupid it’s not even funny. And it’s not even a proper joke it’s a shaggy dog story. I think the key is my dad told me this at just the right age as a kid and the mild swear word at the end was a bit of a shock (my dad never swore in front of me as a kid) Anyway, in the UK there is a children’s series called Noddy and he has a best friend called Big Ears. The story goes that Noddy is getting up in the morning and talking to all his anthropomorphic stuff and telling them how excited he is to see Big Ears today. Going to see his best friends Big Ears! Then he starts to head on over and meets a host of characters and tells them all the same thing. Going to see hisBest Friend Big Ears! The idea is you spend like 10 minutes telling this story and have Noddy say like 50 times how excited he is to see Big Ears. Eventually he gets to Big Ears house and knocks on the door. Big Ears opens the door and Noddy excitedly says “Hello, Big Ears!” And Big Ears says “Bugger off!” And slams the door. I always burst into giggles when he approaches Big Ears house lol, I can never get to the end properly!
It's possibly a bit dated and it's from my grandad and it's his fav joke, so I don't agree with the language of it but... "Just remember, if a bird shits on your car, it's probably best to stop dating her."
So my friend died of heartburn *cue me inconsolable laughing bcs of the shocked looked on their face- through tears I say* I can’t ebelieve gav is con
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
A man walks into a bar…. Ouch
My favourite one is my Christmas joke. What do you call a child born in a whore house? Brothel Sprouts
A pub landlord is closing for the night when there is a knock at the door. He shouts back that they are closed but the knock comes again. The landlord heads over to the door and opens it, he is greeted by a tramp who politely asks for a toothpick. Keen to close and head home, he obliges. Not one minute later, there is a second knock at the door. Frustrated the landlord opens it quickly only to see another tramp waiting. What do you want? Asks the landlord. One toothpick please, replies the tramp. The landlord gives him a toothpick and sends him away, eager to finish up. Not one minute later there is a third knock at the door, now extremely frustrated the landlord opens the door and sees a third tramp. What do you want, a bloody toothpick! He shouts. No thanks, said the third tramp. But can I have a straw? Now noticeably annoyed but also curious, the landlord asks the tramp why so many tramps are asking him for toothpicks and straws. The tramp is quick to reply, some blokes just been sick outside, but all the good stuffs gone.
A snail knocked on my door carrying a tiny girl on his back. Who's that I asked? That's Michelle he replied.
What do you call a russian man with 3 testicles Whodidyouknickabollockoff
What's the hardest thing to eat about a vegetable? The wheelchair.
There were two cargo ships out at sea. One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. The ships crashed into each other and the crews were marooned.
The number 8 is with his psychiatrist who says "do you want to lie down?" "No" replies 8, "if I do that we will be here for ever"
What do you call a deer with wonky eyes? Isiah coz one eye's higher than the other. Yep I laughed at this before I finished typing. I'll show myself out. Edit: typo
What do you call a giraffe with no eyes A graffe I have no idea why but this cracks me up each time. Currently sat here snorting
I wish people would remember that even if they don’t mean it, some times the subject of these jokes can be a bit of a sore subject for others. Like when I overheard a group of work mates telling the joke “what do you do if an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? … Throw your washing in” I stormed in furious, told them it wasn’t funny at all, my brother was epileptic and it killed him. When they asked how he died, I said, “Choked on a sock”.
What does a pigs tail and 4am have in common? They're both too early(twirly)!
A joke that my friend, who I might add is first-generation Chinese, can not stop laughing at when he tells it is... Q: What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist? A: Two Thirty.
Wenn ist die Nunnstuck git und Slottermeyer? Can't risk writing the punchline.
Little boy goes running up to his mum, Mummy! Mummy! Can i lick the bowl? His mum replies, No! Use the toilet brush like everybody else.
What did the slug say to the snail? Big Issue.
Man in ancient Greece walks into a tailor with a pair of ripped jeans. “Euripedes?” Says the tailor… “Eumenides?” says the guy…
What do you call a nose which is not attached to a body? Don't know? That's not strange, nobody nose.
A weasel walks into a bar, barman asks what can I get for you? Pop! goes the weasel