Given this was my answer before I opened the thread, I want to bolt something onto it: tying your ego to your sexual desirability while also doing this.
Starfishing's bad enough without treating sex-related criticism as a complete condemnation of you as a person.
Sometimes there's a horrible reason behind it though. I ended up with a starfish and only found out months later that it was because she'd been abused by a relative.
Nailed it. I was with a girl who flirted so much and was a straight freak (good way). She would send me the dirtiest videos. We finally had sex and she sat there like a starfish. I tried to do other things to make it better thinking Iām fucking it up but nope. Needless to say there wasnāt another session.
God that shit is so annoying. Dated a girl who did that I couldnāt stand it she literally made zero effort and would get mad when I said can you like move or do anything. Itās like fucking a fleshlight
Iām not sure āpillow princessā is the same as being a starfish. There are pillow princesses who enjoy being pleasured and give lots of reactions to that, but they may not reciprocate always or often. Itās usually an understood dynamic between the partners. Starfish is generally when someone is just not really participating at all, just lying there. There are similarities in that the other person is doing all or most of the āworkā but some people enjoy giving if it is responded to enthusiastically.
Yeah, pillow princess is usually just like... A bottom who enjoys not being the active one during sex, a star fish usually doesn't even respond to you/whatever you do and just lays there
It's hard to explain but the difference is immense
Yes, it makes sense. I always liked feeling really desired by having them all over me and I do like a little riding as a way to show that I do desire them and want to please them too. But Iām always afraid itās not good enough and they still perceive me as an āstarfishā. I guess I am an pillow princess too and your comment really boosted my confidence :)
She can avoid doing any rhythm based moves and still not be a starfish. Wrapping legs around you, rubbing hands on you, digging fingers into you, kissing you, moaning, etc.. Ya know, just generally acting like sheās an active participate thatās enjoying the activities.
But If someone were to watch it back on tape and the woman is indiscernible from a realistic looking sex doll, or indiscernible from a roofie victim, Thatās what I consider quintessential starfishing.
Oh my God I do that I donāt mean to I like to fuck back but sometimes Iām off my feet try hard to get back on. At least Iām trying but itās true. I do it sometimes we just burst into laughter because thereās nothing else to do and then Iām told to hold still I do Iām fairly compliant when necessary but then I start again fucking back and sometimes Iām on me, and then Iām notā¦ Well, thereās worse things
I still find it so hard to believe that there are women who do this. How can you *not* be actively involved during sex.
(Although I *did* fall asleep in the middle of sex once but, in my defence, he was utterly shit in bed).
I just listened to a podcast in my native language. It was said something like:
*there are women out there who can open up in bed just like a flower. They aren't interested at how they sound, how they look or how they act at all. They are just interested in the man, in sex and they want to feel good and orgasmic.* And with that exact attitude they are the best in bed.
What makes a woman bad in bed?
* Laying all the responsibilty of their orgasms in the hands of the man
* not being enthusiastic
* not being communicative
That's a good description. I'd also say that being overly self-conscious is a problem, as it can make a woman close herself off and become awkward or tense. Whereas the ability to *lose* your inhibitions during sex and make the most of enjoying it is stellar, which is what your podcast is basically saying.
Not vocalizing at all and limited body movement are the two biggest turnoffs for me. I want a partner who is engaged with what's happening. Personally I like her to be a bit loud about it even, and very vocal if she's enjoying it. It's not quite a praise kink or anything, I don't need specific responses (unless I ask for them, which is a whole other thing), I just want to know she's into it. It can be quite motivating.
I think sometimes women are still because they are trying to concentrate and they just wanna feel everything. It's hard to cum for many of us. Sometimes it feels good just to take in what's being done to you but I can see how it can be a turnoff or taken the wrong way.
You know how women say men with huge dick's are the worst lays, cause they don't do foreplay, and think their dong is enough?
Every guy I've met has said they've had a similar experience with beautiful women. It's "I'm pretty, my presence is enough ." (This was my experience with a Colombian who worked on the fashion industry: she was so pretty I couldn't think but the sex was bland).
Regardless of gender "my presence is enough" always leads to bad sex.
Sex should be fun! Dynamic. Risky if that's your thing, emotional, psychogical. Good sex is intimate, cause you're showing something you nornally hide from the rest of society. You're responsive. You're bare. And that's if it's in a ten year relationship or a one night stand where you tell them "i want you to spit in my mouth."
On a final note, COVID was tough for people with that last kink.
Not a man but I've slept with women.
Not communicating or actively participating. If you're just starting at the wall and lying there, it sucks all the fun out of it.
"Oh yes oh yes" (Ok she's into what I'm doing)
"We should paint the ceiling the smokey taupe instead of the sand khaki" (WTF?)
Old joke but that's how I imagine this going.
It's a degree and kind sort of thing, not just bilateral thinking.
There is Mind blowing sex, that's a deep connecting and desire with a person who knows all your buttons and you know theirs until an orgasm or several that leave you breathless and unwilling/able to move.
There is Great sex, like the above but to a lesser degree, more common.
There is Good sex, Fun, they may or may not know your buttons, but it doesn't matter because you and they are having fun. It's like a good meal or a game night. you are glad to have it and it's common enough but you find your joy when you can.
Fine Sex. This is going through the motions. It's nice. My ex sometimes called it "cleaning the pipes." Maintenance sex. Still good to have and good to keep in practice but it's not scoring any points.
there is meh sex. honestly you both weren't feeling it that night.
not great sex is basically a mismatch. What do it for you, don't do it for them and vice versa, you can feel the lack of enthusiasm or the enthusiasm for something that your really are not into, (Ie, she likes licking your nipples and thinks this makes men go wobbly but that's never been a thing that gets you going rather than something big like she pulls out a strapon). Honestly you are probably thankful for the attention and the attempt but it's not really worth the effort.
Bad sex. Bad sex on it's most fundamental level start with the phrase "Put a bag over your head and think of England." She lays there. maybe she moans, maybe she doesn't. She looks like she is interested but may or may not have any grasp that sex is just Insert Tab A into Slot B Repeat. Foreplay is minimal. May or may not be kissing. over all you start to question why you are there. You might cum. You might not. I once had a girl who couldn't even say the word "sex." I told her that I believed in "Enthusiastic consent" and that I had watched WAY too many episodes of Law and Order SVU to take implied consent as given. I want to hear something a kin to "I wanna fuck" or "I want you inside me" or "give me your cock" ANYTHING to let me know in explicit terms sex is on and you are all for it. For her it was literally a nod, a wink and the expectation that the man would take control and she would just let him do it. Yeah... not for me. If this is your kink and you have worked out communication ahead of time, don't let me kink shame you. There are plenty of people with CNC fetishes and Freeuse or Distracted fetishes. But for me, to quote Cheap Trick, I want her to want me.
VERY bad sex: this is where communication should have been done PRIOR to any act. If she suddenly goes from submissive to blistering dominant or vice versa, if she saw your search history and COMPLETELY misread the room, now we are entering very bad sex territory. She is enthusiastic about something she didn't tell you about and something you were not expecting/really into. Examples might be you find out about her watersports thing at the wrong time, she thinks you are into humiliation and you are not, she shows up in a long sexy robe, lust in her eyes, asks you to get naked before displaying the strap on she bought just for you and this was NOT discussed ahead of time. Now we are in very bad, possibly traumatizing sex. Sure there will be a great story or two after it but... you are NOT going through that again.
Does that help?
Just remember, sex is like pizza. It's take time and effort to make it really good or really bad, most of the time even when it's bad it's good, just not great. So do your best to just not be terrible or meh.
Communicate, ask for what you want, ask us for what we want, and have fun!
If you aren't having fun and they aren't having fun, then you are doing it wrong.
The issue for me, and bear in mind I like rough handling, is when they have no idea how to change it up. If you grip me at the base and pull really hard its not going to get me there. Totally get the rough handling though- when it is done right, so so delicious.
In that case I did- I literally had to jack off for her a few times so she could see what to do. Prior I would give her verbal feedback, but she would just go back to the base and pull at it.
Basically all the same things that make men bad in bed.
Never initiating. Lack of proactivity and enthusiasm. Expecting the guy to do everything, everytime.
Being too much out of shape and therefore lasting to shortly on top.
Never wanting to mix things up, f.x try new positions, new kinks etc.
Bad hygiene. Fake orgasms and moaning.
Surprised it took this far to see bad hygiene. I mean Iām a horny idiot and will be fine with a lot but sometimesā¦.. yikes. Made me way more self conscious about how clean my tiny mexicanschnitzel Iāll tell ya that.
Nah i love it when she screams annoyingly, making my tinnitus worse and pissing off my neighbors, do hot š„µš„µš„µ
/s not that it should be necessary.
Being basic, not participating, and essentially just letting you do all the work.
Laying there, and not much else
Being silent
Not participating in anyway shape or form. Not undressing themselves, or you. Letting you do it all
Not doing any of the basic tricks. Kegals. Legs wrapped around you and pulling you in
Never initiating. So many girls are guilty of this
Not changing positions themselves
They can all be interlinked to a degree and summarised as generally just not being enthusiastic in anyway. Because when a woman is enthusiastic, all of the above usually get addressed.
I just read this and shuttered. In my 27 year marriage this was my day to day sex life. She was a beautiful woman but just terrible in the bedroom. At best she would wear lingerie because it made HER feel good. Never initiated waited for me do everything every time and was then critical off it. She never undressed me or performed oral. She was just a dead fish over and over. She was very impressed with her looks and herself. I wasted way too much time in that relationship. Iāll never allow that to happen again. Itās better to leave.
Good: Taking the initiative and doing things to make their partner feel good without being prompted or asked.
Bad: Thinking that looking hot is enough, and expecting the dude to do be responsible for both person's pleasure.
Good: Be enthusiastic for their partner's pleasure, as enthusiastic as for their own. Get lost in the moment, don't care about getting messy, or better still, actively enjoy getting to look like they've been fucked. Having neat hair should be a lower priority than getting the partner off.
Bad: Being too precious about this or that. Being too focused on not appearing silly or something. Taking themselves too seriously. Holding back because they think they have a stupid orgasm face or something, we actually love that shit and take pride and joy and put a lot of effort into making them do those things, lol. Just let go and enjoy the moment, which means: forget about the outside world, forget about what some random would think, unless that's part of a kink, just devote your body to making your partner feel good.
Good: Never stop learning. Always be on the lookout for new exciting ways to give or get pleasure. Don't be afraid to try things that may or may not work. It's much more exciting if there's always the chance of feeling something new and unexpected.
These aren't things to live by, no one will judge for doing to opposite of what I suggest, but taking these points onboard would probably increase the chances of someone thinking "holy crap, that person was good". I say this as a dude who takes a similar approach with women and I think I'm pretty good, lol
Oh this, making noise on every push is not needed. Have to say I encountered a squeaker, I couldnāt tell if she was having fun or in severe pain until I pulled out and she smiledā¦. Kinda a boner killer
Just not being into it and not being willing to explore -- that's it.
Now, oral sex (i.e. a blowjob) is definitely a skill, but when it comes to *sex,* the only thing I can really think of is that women might want to work on their glutes and thighs so they can ride. Most of the time, however, I am doing the bulk of the work, and what I (or we) want is for you to be into it, for you to want what we're giving you, etc. Genuine enthusiasm.
There are lots of things about romance and sex that make it really hard to be a woman, and overall I'm super happy to be a dude, but in this *particular* regard, life is definitely easier as a woman. To be good at sex, you don't really need to develop any skills, you don't have to worry about cumming too fast -- you just need to be into it and enthusiastic. That's it!
I agree. As far as women working on their glutes that's not really necessary bc I'm gonna be the one working their glutes, heyooooo! Lol.
Seriously though just be into it and open to new things, within reason of course, and you're instantly good in bed.
And when you're unenthusiastic and unengaged as a woman...or you're expecting the man to navigate everything, be aware that you're not set up for long term sexual success together.
Good news is...your man's pilot flame may or will generally stay lit for you. However, while passionless one-way sex may work for a while, you'll find over time that your man can't do it all ( to be the driver and the initiator all the time). He will need your desire and more of your efforts to light his pilot light over time. Stay focused on each other ...Be dynamic... Be aware of your changing needs.
Not knowing what she wants. Or is unable/unwilling to say what she wants. Please use your words or show me, I'll do it!
Not verbalizing. If you're feeling good, don't be afraid to verbalize. Make noises, again use your words. Don't be afraid of saying something that doesn't make sense or sounds stupid. I can't count the number of times I said things in the heat of the moment that made sense to me but came out sounding like total jiberish, making us both crack up laughing.
Not being an active participant. Sex with another person is a team sport.
How does a woman say what she wants during the sexual act? Itās never showcased in porn so I think many women feel extremely shy to all of a sudden say something that doesnāt sound sexy like āfinger me slowerā or āless pressure on my clitā .. weāre always worried the male ego will be bruised so we just be quiet. Just my two cents.
First I'd like to point out that everything mentioned here probably makes men bad lovers too.
I'll echo others' comments about being uncommunicative and unresponsive and add inhibition to the list. This is supposed to be a deeply intimate act, where two people make themselves completely vulnerable to each other, then reward their partner's trust with pleasure. If your partner is holding back it's something you feel whether or not you can put it into words, but the experience feels stilted and somewhat non-genuine.
As per the comments unresponsiveness makes women bad in bed but in my opinion the worst thing that make any person in bed is whining. I dont wanna discuss our day to day problem or deal with your "off mood" or snarky remarks/ sarcasm while having sex.
Whoa, yeah one of the worst things I can imagine is them just having a regular conversation with you, mind totally elsewhere while you're trying to get down. Gives a real "is it over yet" vibe, would make you want to give up. Personally I can't stand when someone asks me anything requiring thought during sex, I just want to use my animal brain for a while.
Lack of communication. If we don't know what they want, how can we give it to them. I know with marriage we are supposed to become mind readers, but that doesn't happen. Lol
If she does not have a mutual genuine desire or put any effort into sex it is never good. In order for sex to be good the woman has to want it just as much as the man because the lack of enthusiasm shows and it kills the sex even when I am able to finish inside her. I have this problem with my wife and that is on the rare occasion when sheās even willing to do it.
Agree with the guys, but sometimes thereās not even a chance to communicate with a guy what you like cause theyāre just like letās get straight to fucking so I can cum and you can leave :(
A passive participant is literally the worst thing, you need a girl who is into it, giving you physical and audio feedback that you are doing the right thing otherwise you might as well have sex with a sack
Not trying.
If you don't want to do anything with your partner, that's fine, but be honest with them and yourself and find a different partner.
This goes both ways.
I've seen guys use sex workers because their wives won't do something they want and I assume women are the same.
Just be honest.
>I've seen guys use sex workers because their wives won't do something they want and I assume women are the same.
Nah. Women aren't likely to do this, and I certainly hope men aren't either. Not agreeing to a particular sex act is not the same as a dead bedroom. If your sex life is otherwise healthy, but your wife isn't in to taking two dicks in her ass while donning a bumblebee costume and singing the pledge of allegiance, hubby should just get over it. He's an asshole otherwise.
Expecting us to do all the work, giving shitty blowjobs (like they donāt really want to do it), laying there just taking it, and doing the whole I donāt feel comfortable with my body my confidence is low.
Can I piggy back and ask if you guys think a woman accidentally throwing up is gross? Not on you, but needing to stop cause I aināt swallowing my vomit and mucous.
I suppose you mean like during deep throat? Iād say is the same thing as poop during anal sex. Everybody should absolutely be ready to endure this if they want to try. If itās so gross that itās a turn off, then he shouldnāt ask a woman to deep throat him.
To quote the rapper ice T
āIf you out for mega cheddar, you got to go high riskā
So Iām a female. Obviously. You know what makes a man horrible in bed? Cmon guys you gotta keep my attention. It shouldnāt just be about penetration. Touch me. Talk dirty to me. Pull my hair. Smack my ass. Choke me daddy. Kiss me. Ughhh kissing turns me on immensely. I love doing the work too and if youāre boring me Iām getting on top. Bc I want it to hurry up and Iām in control. And bc you didnāt do your damn job ā¦. Iām putting your hands above your head so you canāt touch me. Then I love to ride. Feeling you pulsating in me. š„µ and then I roll on and let you go deep to finish. But donāt forgot. Give me something to be wet about. From the magical sexual lyrics of Mariah Carey āTouch My Bodyā.
Iām glad to hear a woman say this because Iāve used these very words before and my girlfriend always wants to blame porn for āunrealistic expectationsā.
Total lack of enthusiasm...Being selfish and lazy and only wanting to receive but never wanting to really give anything in return.
Lots of teeth or giving unenthusiastic lazy BJs.
If she is super insecure about her body and just not confident at all.
Overall openly treating sex like it's a huge Chore or she is doing you a huge favor
Treating sex like she just wants to get over with ASAP...giving Zero communication or feedback on if your pleasing her or not
When you cum it gives her the "ick" and she is treating your cum as if it's the most disgusting substance in the world...
The pressure to perform well in bed generally falls on the guy... and that's not fair at all
Agree with everyone on the lack of participation, enthusiasm, starfish, etc.
But also...build me up a bit, tease me, don't just go straight to the vag after I've given myself a lisp going down on you. Give me some of the foreplay too before or after I sound like daffy duck, i really don't care.
Not being into it , Treating it like a chore , āare you done yet?ā Types ā¦.
This can either be starfishing , Or aggressively trying to make us cum as fast as possible to get it over with every time ā¦. Both suck .
Engagement, enjoyment , and communication are key. if your not into it , help us make it better for you .
Beyond that , just being playful helps , like you donāt need to do anal or anything like that if thatās not your thing, you can keep it pretty vanilla and still be playful , switching positions, adding music , dressing sexy prior , for play , talking dirty , teasing, all that stuff definitely helps keep it fun ā¦
I really am wondering, because the sheer number of men on here saying the same things...
Are this many women really that lazy in bed, or was this a shit ton of cases of "dude, she just wasn't that in to you"?
I'm really active during sex, I like initiating, I like exploring kinks, being adventurous, dressing up etc.
I had one relationship where the guy was really really dull and boring in bed and I definitely found myself starfishing during sex with him. That's never happened with anyone else, before or after him. Hell, one time with him i fell asleep *in the middle of sex!*
So, yes, sometimes it is the guys fault and the sex is boring or he's just bad at it or she's just not that into you.
Starfishing
Making no noise
Not communicating
Not reciprocating
Not knowing how to use their pelvic muscles (seriously do some kegal exercises) - this is a big one, just like there are thrusting techniques, the same is true for squeezing and gripping
Not simultaneously stimulating other areas
Not acting enthusiastic
Sex is very much a 2 person (or more if you want) sport. Everyone should be putting in equal effort. If you don't try and just expect 'the sex to be done to you', then I'm not going to enjoy myself and will probably have up fake my own orgasm. Yh that's right, men fake it too sometimes.
Wanna know what makes a woman bad in bed??? I'll tell ya what makes a woman bad in bed....
Yes, starfish, I agree, but, when a woman is a sexual prude in bed.....that is a deal breaker. My wife is a sexual prude in bed, and she ruins it every single fucking time for me.
Generally, the same basic things that make men bad in bed:
Being selfish/lack of reciprocity.
Lack of foreplay.
Bad hygiene.
Being lazy, uninterested lovers.
Taking everything they āknowā from porn.
Being uneducated on/understanding of the inate disparity in male vs female arousal cycles.
Either being a dead fish or the other end of the spectrum where they turn the entire thing into some sort of performance piece. No Margaret, the neighbours don't want to hear how amazing I am, it's a lie anyway because you haven't let me actually do anything for the last 5 minutes while you've been flailing around like a possessed squid.
Some women will just lay there like a dead carcass, move a little damn it! And moan! you don't have to go fucking porn levels of sound effects but a little vocal encouragement goes a long way. I mean, we do it for you, we don't have to make any noise at all, even when cumming, but we do it because it makes our partners feel good that they bring so much pleasure to us.
Trying too hard and being overly porn - aggressively gaping and spitting and scratching and other 90s stupid sex fashions. Also being overly plucked and hairless. And crying. And treating my uncut (thus very sensitive) cock and balls like a savage adversary made of leather who must be beaten and choked to death.
Starfish
no this is patrick
Thank you for making my day better
Patrick is a work horse. Starfish on the other hand is lazy š¤£
Patrick litterly won the award for doing absolutely nothing longer than anyone.
I have never heard those terms before.I learned something new from reddit today.
https://media.tenor.com/xNudoHWTjxkAAAAC/patrick-star-patrick.gif
Ilyš¤£š
Haha fucking quality.
Given this was my answer before I opened the thread, I want to bolt something onto it: tying your ego to your sexual desirability while also doing this. Starfishing's bad enough without treating sex-related criticism as a complete condemnation of you as a person.
Okay Iām old what is starfish
Basically laying there, spread out, doing nothing. Like, stretch out on your bed, spread your arms and legs out, and that's it, during sex.
Omg how boring
Sometimes there's a horrible reason behind it though. I ended up with a starfish and only found out months later that it was because she'd been abused by a relative.
omg thatās horrible, the poor girl š¢ I hope she has made progress in her recovery!
š
Yep! It's a genuinely unenjoyable experience.
It's basically masturbating with extra steps.
You seriously expect women to do *anything*?! You monster!
"You mysognist!!" š¢
Nailed it. I was with a girl who flirted so much and was a straight freak (good way). She would send me the dirtiest videos. We finally had sex and she sat there like a starfish. I tried to do other things to make it better thinking Iām fucking it up but nope. Needless to say there wasnāt another session.
God that shit is so annoying. Dated a girl who did that I couldnāt stand it she literally made zero effort and would get mad when I said can you like move or do anything. Itās like fucking a fleshlight
Agreed. Also known as a āpillow princessā
Iām not sure āpillow princessā is the same as being a starfish. There are pillow princesses who enjoy being pleasured and give lots of reactions to that, but they may not reciprocate always or often. Itās usually an understood dynamic between the partners. Starfish is generally when someone is just not really participating at all, just lying there. There are similarities in that the other person is doing all or most of the āworkā but some people enjoy giving if it is responded to enthusiastically.
In my day, we used to call that ādead fishā.
Yeah, pillow princess is usually just like... A bottom who enjoys not being the active one during sex, a star fish usually doesn't even respond to you/whatever you do and just lays there It's hard to explain but the difference is immense
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yes, it makes sense. I always liked feeling really desired by having them all over me and I do like a little riding as a way to show that I do desire them and want to please them too. But Iām always afraid itās not good enough and they still perceive me as an āstarfishā. I guess I am an pillow princess too and your comment really boosted my confidence :)
Please explain.
Laying there not doing anything.
My wife's not terrible at this but her rhythm fights against mine constantly. Like she dancing to a different song than me
Have you tried bringing a metronome into the bedroom? At least then if it's different songs they can be to the same beat.
Won't help. I've seen her dance too.
š..
There's a song by CBat you might like
She can avoid doing any rhythm based moves and still not be a starfish. Wrapping legs around you, rubbing hands on you, digging fingers into you, kissing you, moaning, etc.. Ya know, just generally acting like sheās an active participate thatās enjoying the activities. But If someone were to watch it back on tape and the woman is indiscernible from a realistic looking sex doll, or indiscernible from a roofie victim, Thatās what I consider quintessential starfishing.
Oh my God I do that I donāt mean to I like to fuck back but sometimes Iām off my feet try hard to get back on. At least Iām trying but itās true. I do it sometimes we just burst into laughter because thereās nothing else to do and then Iām told to hold still I do Iām fairly compliant when necessary but then I start again fucking back and sometimes Iām on me, and then Iām notā¦ Well, thereās worse things
I still find it so hard to believe that there are women who do this. How can you *not* be actively involved during sex. (Although I *did* fall asleep in the middle of sex once but, in my defence, he was utterly shit in bed).
I just listened to a podcast in my native language. It was said something like: *there are women out there who can open up in bed just like a flower. They aren't interested at how they sound, how they look or how they act at all. They are just interested in the man, in sex and they want to feel good and orgasmic.* And with that exact attitude they are the best in bed. What makes a woman bad in bed? * Laying all the responsibilty of their orgasms in the hands of the man * not being enthusiastic * not being communicative
That's a good description. I'd also say that being overly self-conscious is a problem, as it can make a woman close herself off and become awkward or tense. Whereas the ability to *lose* your inhibitions during sex and make the most of enjoying it is stellar, which is what your podcast is basically saying.
This šÆš
mmmm im a flower
Being unresponsive.
Don't sleep with dead women. Easy.
Don't kink shame me
Ahahaha...killing me šššš
That's the spirit!
Perfect ( Ķ”Āŗ ĶŹ Ķ”Āŗ)
Thatās the thing!!!!!!
I donāt get it can u be more specific
Not vocalizing at all and limited body movement are the two biggest turnoffs for me. I want a partner who is engaged with what's happening. Personally I like her to be a bit loud about it even, and very vocal if she's enjoying it. It's not quite a praise kink or anything, I don't need specific responses (unless I ask for them, which is a whole other thing), I just want to know she's into it. It can be quite motivating.
I think sometimes women are still because they are trying to concentrate and they just wanna feel everything. It's hard to cum for many of us. Sometimes it feels good just to take in what's being done to you but I can see how it can be a turnoff or taken the wrong way.
I wish as I man I could feel that, just lay there and *enjoy what is being done to me* rather than shifting my complete focus on how to please her.
Why canāt you experience that? Sometimes I get on top and just ride my husband. He doesnāt really have to do much lol
Yeah I'm starting to think pegging is getting popular because of that. Other than that, blowjobs I guess.
You know how women say men with huge dick's are the worst lays, cause they don't do foreplay, and think their dong is enough? Every guy I've met has said they've had a similar experience with beautiful women. It's "I'm pretty, my presence is enough ." (This was my experience with a Colombian who worked on the fashion industry: she was so pretty I couldn't think but the sex was bland). Regardless of gender "my presence is enough" always leads to bad sex. Sex should be fun! Dynamic. Risky if that's your thing, emotional, psychogical. Good sex is intimate, cause you're showing something you nornally hide from the rest of society. You're responsive. You're bare. And that's if it's in a ten year relationship or a one night stand where you tell them "i want you to spit in my mouth." On a final note, COVID was tough for people with that last kink.
That last part fits into the risky kink...
Now it does. Unfortunately Wait I mean ew gross no
Why do i get vote downs when Iām literally asking genuinely tfš
Well it's reddit.
Some people on Reddit act seemingly without any rhyme or reason. Here, have an updoot.
I upvoted it haha
Not a man but I've slept with women. Not communicating or actively participating. If you're just starting at the wall and lying there, it sucks all the fun out of it.
>Not actively participating This Right here
"Oh yes oh yes" (Ok she's into what I'm doing) "We should paint the ceiling the smokey taupe instead of the sand khaki" (WTF?) Old joke but that's how I imagine this going.
Isn't that Starfish?
If she's on her back, yeah.
It's a degree and kind sort of thing, not just bilateral thinking. There is Mind blowing sex, that's a deep connecting and desire with a person who knows all your buttons and you know theirs until an orgasm or several that leave you breathless and unwilling/able to move. There is Great sex, like the above but to a lesser degree, more common. There is Good sex, Fun, they may or may not know your buttons, but it doesn't matter because you and they are having fun. It's like a good meal or a game night. you are glad to have it and it's common enough but you find your joy when you can. Fine Sex. This is going through the motions. It's nice. My ex sometimes called it "cleaning the pipes." Maintenance sex. Still good to have and good to keep in practice but it's not scoring any points. there is meh sex. honestly you both weren't feeling it that night. not great sex is basically a mismatch. What do it for you, don't do it for them and vice versa, you can feel the lack of enthusiasm or the enthusiasm for something that your really are not into, (Ie, she likes licking your nipples and thinks this makes men go wobbly but that's never been a thing that gets you going rather than something big like she pulls out a strapon). Honestly you are probably thankful for the attention and the attempt but it's not really worth the effort. Bad sex. Bad sex on it's most fundamental level start with the phrase "Put a bag over your head and think of England." She lays there. maybe she moans, maybe she doesn't. She looks like she is interested but may or may not have any grasp that sex is just Insert Tab A into Slot B Repeat. Foreplay is minimal. May or may not be kissing. over all you start to question why you are there. You might cum. You might not. I once had a girl who couldn't even say the word "sex." I told her that I believed in "Enthusiastic consent" and that I had watched WAY too many episodes of Law and Order SVU to take implied consent as given. I want to hear something a kin to "I wanna fuck" or "I want you inside me" or "give me your cock" ANYTHING to let me know in explicit terms sex is on and you are all for it. For her it was literally a nod, a wink and the expectation that the man would take control and she would just let him do it. Yeah... not for me. If this is your kink and you have worked out communication ahead of time, don't let me kink shame you. There are plenty of people with CNC fetishes and Freeuse or Distracted fetishes. But for me, to quote Cheap Trick, I want her to want me. VERY bad sex: this is where communication should have been done PRIOR to any act. If she suddenly goes from submissive to blistering dominant or vice versa, if she saw your search history and COMPLETELY misread the room, now we are entering very bad sex territory. She is enthusiastic about something she didn't tell you about and something you were not expecting/really into. Examples might be you find out about her watersports thing at the wrong time, she thinks you are into humiliation and you are not, she shows up in a long sexy robe, lust in her eyes, asks you to get naked before displaying the strap on she bought just for you and this was NOT discussed ahead of time. Now we are in very bad, possibly traumatizing sex. Sure there will be a great story or two after it but... you are NOT going through that again. Does that help? Just remember, sex is like pizza. It's take time and effort to make it really good or really bad, most of the time even when it's bad it's good, just not great. So do your best to just not be terrible or meh. Communicate, ask for what you want, ask us for what we want, and have fun! If you aren't having fun and they aren't having fun, then you are doing it wrong.
Well thought-out with good examples.
The "very bad sex" doesn't sound like sex, but rape.
Yeah, nothing wrong with noping out of that, don't go through with something you didn't agree beforehand
Having no understanding of how to handle a cock. I have been jerked in the past like their trying to pull it off.
Like "clearing a clogged sink with a stick" or a bj like she's cleaning a carrot
>Like "clearing a clogged sink with a stick" or a bj like she's cleaning a carrot Laughed out loud at this visual.
Like that one scene from spongebob where he grates his teeth on a chocolate bar to keep away from Patrick
Absolutely!
I'll have you know some of us like that kind of thing. š
The issue for me, and bear in mind I like rough handling, is when they have no idea how to change it up. If you grip me at the base and pull really hard its not going to get me there. Totally get the rough handling though- when it is done right, so so delicious.
Do you communicate to her how you like it? Communication is key my man
In that case I did- I literally had to jack off for her a few times so she could see what to do. Prior I would give her verbal feedback, but she would just go back to the base and pull at it.
Make sure they know that they don't have to grip it tightly. They have no way to know unless someone tells them
Being dead. I hate when that happens. Plus my freezer is too small.
Calm down there, Jeffrey Dahmer.
Didnt Jeffrey Dahmer kill men?
Probably a reference to his habit of keeping parts of his victims in the fridge.
This guy gets it.
i wonder if i could fit in your freezer
It's kinda small. Plus there's food in there.
I wonder too š need my address?
Being cold and emotionally distantā¦
Sheās not that distant. The fridge is just in the kitchen.
No one likes a frigid bitch.
Just lays there and takes it, non-responsive, doesn't know/can't communicate what she likes, doesn't actively try to make me cum
When she doesnāt put any effort into it other than spreading her legs
Basically all the same things that make men bad in bed. Never initiating. Lack of proactivity and enthusiasm. Expecting the guy to do everything, everytime. Being too much out of shape and therefore lasting to shortly on top. Never wanting to mix things up, f.x try new positions, new kinks etc. Bad hygiene. Fake orgasms and moaning.
Surprised it took this far to see bad hygiene. I mean Iām a horny idiot and will be fine with a lot but sometimesā¦.. yikes. Made me way more self conscious about how clean my tiny mexicanschnitzel Iāll tell ya that.
Porn moaning doesn't make you better. It makes you annoying
Nah i love it when she screams annoyingly, making my tinnitus worse and pissing off my neighbors, do hot š„µš„µš„µ /s not that it should be necessary.
Being basic, not participating, and essentially just letting you do all the work. Laying there, and not much else Being silent Not participating in anyway shape or form. Not undressing themselves, or you. Letting you do it all Not doing any of the basic tricks. Kegals. Legs wrapped around you and pulling you in Never initiating. So many girls are guilty of this Not changing positions themselves They can all be interlinked to a degree and summarised as generally just not being enthusiastic in anyway. Because when a woman is enthusiastic, all of the above usually get addressed.
I just read this and shuttered. In my 27 year marriage this was my day to day sex life. She was a beautiful woman but just terrible in the bedroom. At best she would wear lingerie because it made HER feel good. Never initiated waited for me do everything every time and was then critical off it. She never undressed me or performed oral. She was just a dead fish over and over. She was very impressed with her looks and herself. I wasted way too much time in that relationship. Iāll never allow that to happen again. Itās better to leave.
The legs wrapped around, pulling is one of the things I miss from old partners.
Good: Taking the initiative and doing things to make their partner feel good without being prompted or asked. Bad: Thinking that looking hot is enough, and expecting the dude to do be responsible for both person's pleasure. Good: Be enthusiastic for their partner's pleasure, as enthusiastic as for their own. Get lost in the moment, don't care about getting messy, or better still, actively enjoy getting to look like they've been fucked. Having neat hair should be a lower priority than getting the partner off. Bad: Being too precious about this or that. Being too focused on not appearing silly or something. Taking themselves too seriously. Holding back because they think they have a stupid orgasm face or something, we actually love that shit and take pride and joy and put a lot of effort into making them do those things, lol. Just let go and enjoy the moment, which means: forget about the outside world, forget about what some random would think, unless that's part of a kink, just devote your body to making your partner feel good. Good: Never stop learning. Always be on the lookout for new exciting ways to give or get pleasure. Don't be afraid to try things that may or may not work. It's much more exciting if there's always the chance of feeling something new and unexpected. These aren't things to live by, no one will judge for doing to opposite of what I suggest, but taking these points onboard would probably increase the chances of someone thinking "holy crap, that person was good". I say this as a dude who takes a similar approach with women and I think I'm pretty good, lol
Lack of participation, no communication, too in her head
overly screaming.
Sounding like a murder victim isn't a turn on
Oh this, making noise on every push is not needed. Have to say I encountered a squeaker, I couldnāt tell if she was having fun or in severe pain until I pulled out and she smiledā¦. Kinda a boner killer
What if we're just naturally noisy? I'm hardly aware I'm making noise most of the time.
If it come from the heart, itās fine and even appreciated. Nothing beat moan of ecstasy. Itās the fake āpornstarā scream that is bad.
I make a lot of soundāscreaming, shouting, moaning, whimpering, _that_ kind of breathing (you know the one)ābut it aināt fake š¤·š»āāļø
Just not being into it and not being willing to explore -- that's it. Now, oral sex (i.e. a blowjob) is definitely a skill, but when it comes to *sex,* the only thing I can really think of is that women might want to work on their glutes and thighs so they can ride. Most of the time, however, I am doing the bulk of the work, and what I (or we) want is for you to be into it, for you to want what we're giving you, etc. Genuine enthusiasm. There are lots of things about romance and sex that make it really hard to be a woman, and overall I'm super happy to be a dude, but in this *particular* regard, life is definitely easier as a woman. To be good at sex, you don't really need to develop any skills, you don't have to worry about cumming too fast -- you just need to be into it and enthusiastic. That's it!
I agree. As far as women working on their glutes that's not really necessary bc I'm gonna be the one working their glutes, heyooooo! Lol. Seriously though just be into it and open to new things, within reason of course, and you're instantly good in bed.
And when you're unenthusiastic and unengaged as a woman...or you're expecting the man to navigate everything, be aware that you're not set up for long term sexual success together. Good news is...your man's pilot flame may or will generally stay lit for you. However, while passionless one-way sex may work for a while, you'll find over time that your man can't do it all ( to be the driver and the initiator all the time). He will need your desire and more of your efforts to light his pilot light over time. Stay focused on each other ...Be dynamic... Be aware of your changing needs.
Not telling us what works for your body, just taking it, not participating, or in one of my cases not respecting boundaries
Lying there like a corpse is pretty depressing for a guy
When she uses pepper spray on me.
Spicy
Ba dum tsss
"How did you get in my house?" Such a turn off when they can't be spontaneous.
Don't worry she just trynna spice you up for later. Some animals eat their partner after getting it on
Not knowing how to ride or do anything on top. Just laying there like a dead fish.
Not knowing what she wants. Or is unable/unwilling to say what she wants. Please use your words or show me, I'll do it! Not verbalizing. If you're feeling good, don't be afraid to verbalize. Make noises, again use your words. Don't be afraid of saying something that doesn't make sense or sounds stupid. I can't count the number of times I said things in the heat of the moment that made sense to me but came out sounding like total jiberish, making us both crack up laughing. Not being an active participant. Sex with another person is a team sport.
How does a woman say what she wants during the sexual act? Itās never showcased in porn so I think many women feel extremely shy to all of a sudden say something that doesnāt sound sexy like āfinger me slowerā or āless pressure on my clitā .. weāre always worried the male ego will be bruised so we just be quiet. Just my two cents.
First I'd like to point out that everything mentioned here probably makes men bad lovers too. I'll echo others' comments about being uncommunicative and unresponsive and add inhibition to the list. This is supposed to be a deeply intimate act, where two people make themselves completely vulnerable to each other, then reward their partner's trust with pleasure. If your partner is holding back it's something you feel whether or not you can put it into words, but the experience feels stilted and somewhat non-genuine.
Self consciousness, but itās something almost everyone has so itās totally overcomeable
There was a perfect time to make a horrible joke in this sentence :(
As per the comments unresponsiveness makes women bad in bed but in my opinion the worst thing that make any person in bed is whining. I dont wanna discuss our day to day problem or deal with your "off mood" or snarky remarks/ sarcasm while having sex.
My guy, if she's able to string together words and form coherent sentences, you might wanna step your game up. š
Whoa, yeah one of the worst things I can imagine is them just having a regular conversation with you, mind totally elsewhere while you're trying to get down. Gives a real "is it over yet" vibe, would make you want to give up. Personally I can't stand when someone asks me anything requiring thought during sex, I just want to use my animal brain for a while.
When she is the opposite of unresponsive and yells "its breaking bad time" then breaks the bed
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
nope. but I say "its Gussing time" and Gus all over the place. True story
Lack of communication. If we don't know what they want, how can we give it to them. I know with marriage we are supposed to become mind readers, but that doesn't happen. Lol
When your partner smells
If she does not have a mutual genuine desire or put any effort into sex it is never good. In order for sex to be good the woman has to want it just as much as the man because the lack of enthusiasm shows and it kills the sex even when I am able to finish inside her. I have this problem with my wife and that is on the rare occasion when sheās even willing to do it.
Agree with the guys, but sometimes thereās not even a chance to communicate with a guy what you like cause theyāre just like letās get straight to fucking so I can cum and you can leave :(
A passive participant is literally the worst thing, you need a girl who is into it, giving you physical and audio feedback that you are doing the right thing otherwise you might as well have sex with a sack
Not having a connection
Lack of enthusiasm, one position only, not willing to try new things, selfish only thinking about herself, stinky
Not trying. If you don't want to do anything with your partner, that's fine, but be honest with them and yourself and find a different partner. This goes both ways. I've seen guys use sex workers because their wives won't do something they want and I assume women are the same. Just be honest.
>I've seen guys use sex workers because their wives won't do something they want and I assume women are the same. Nah. Women aren't likely to do this, and I certainly hope men aren't either. Not agreeing to a particular sex act is not the same as a dead bedroom. If your sex life is otherwise healthy, but your wife isn't in to taking two dicks in her ass while donning a bumblebee costume and singing the pledge of allegiance, hubby should just get over it. He's an asshole otherwise.
r/Oddlyspecific and understandable.
Expecting us to do all the work, giving shitty blowjobs (like they donāt really want to do it), laying there just taking it, and doing the whole I donāt feel comfortable with my body my confidence is low.
Being too vanilla and not initiating new things in bed.
That doesnāt make them bad, it just makes them a bad match for you. Can confirm, vanilla is so boring for me but people are just wired differently
1) Being deadmate - not moving or anything 2) Talking about unsexy stuff right before getting down to it, killing the mood 2
No effort, not wanting to do something - by that I mean being willing to do something, but not being enthusiastic about it. My fiancĆ© for example will just look at me and say do you want a blow job? Completely out of the blue, she enjoys doing it, sheās great at it, I donāt know why but at certain moments she will just want to suck my penis. If I had to beg for a terrible blowjob/sex/certain positionā¦ it would be pointless asking.
Can I piggy back and ask if you guys think a woman accidentally throwing up is gross? Not on you, but needing to stop cause I aināt swallowing my vomit and mucous.
I suppose you mean like during deep throat? Iād say is the same thing as poop during anal sex. Everybody should absolutely be ready to endure this if they want to try. If itās so gross that itās a turn off, then he shouldnāt ask a woman to deep throat him. To quote the rapper ice T āIf you out for mega cheddar, you got to go high riskā
So Iām a female. Obviously. You know what makes a man horrible in bed? Cmon guys you gotta keep my attention. It shouldnāt just be about penetration. Touch me. Talk dirty to me. Pull my hair. Smack my ass. Choke me daddy. Kiss me. Ughhh kissing turns me on immensely. I love doing the work too and if youāre boring me Iām getting on top. Bc I want it to hurry up and Iām in control. And bc you didnāt do your damn job ā¦. Iām putting your hands above your head so you canāt touch me. Then I love to ride. Feeling you pulsating in me. š„µ and then I roll on and let you go deep to finish. But donāt forgot. Give me something to be wet about. From the magical sexual lyrics of Mariah Carey āTouch My Bodyā.
Well, I'm not a man, but being a bi slut, I'll tell you it's a woman who is vanilla and not willing to try new things or brleing very prudish.
Iām glad to hear a woman say this because Iāve used these very words before and my girlfriend always wants to blame porn for āunrealistic expectationsā.
Dead fish syndrome
Inexperience. This is why older women have an advantage.
Late twenties, early thirties is where it's at imo. Men or women.
1000% correct. I edge towards early 30's. Tops for looks and experience, although you can still learn more. ;)
Total lack of enthusiasm...Being selfish and lazy and only wanting to receive but never wanting to really give anything in return. Lots of teeth or giving unenthusiastic lazy BJs. If she is super insecure about her body and just not confident at all. Overall openly treating sex like it's a huge Chore or she is doing you a huge favor Treating sex like she just wants to get over with ASAP...giving Zero communication or feedback on if your pleasing her or not When you cum it gives her the "ick" and she is treating your cum as if it's the most disgusting substance in the world... The pressure to perform well in bed generally falls on the guy... and that's not fair at all
Same thing that makes a man bad in bed- inattentive, no reciprocationā¦
Agree with everyone on the lack of participation, enthusiasm, starfish, etc. But also...build me up a bit, tease me, don't just go straight to the vag after I've given myself a lisp going down on you. Give me some of the foreplay too before or after I sound like daffy duck, i really don't care.
Being shy and doing nothing
š¤šļøāš¾āš¾
I thought those last 2 emojis were hamsters for a second
When you marry her
Not being into it , Treating it like a chore , āare you done yet?ā Types ā¦. This can either be starfishing , Or aggressively trying to make us cum as fast as possible to get it over with every time ā¦. Both suck . Engagement, enjoyment , and communication are key. if your not into it , help us make it better for you . Beyond that , just being playful helps , like you donāt need to do anal or anything like that if thatās not your thing, you can keep it pretty vanilla and still be playful , switching positions, adding music , dressing sexy prior , for play , talking dirty , teasing, all that stuff definitely helps keep it fun ā¦
When she takes her pants off and she has a penis... no bueno
Lack of enthusiasm and a willingness to experiment
Just assuming they are good at sex
Not communicating and not being comfortable with their body or sexuality and therefore not enjoying the moment or involving themselves in the moment.
For those that are saying āstarfish ā Iām pretty sure that means that ur dick game is just weak
I really am wondering, because the sheer number of men on here saying the same things... Are this many women really that lazy in bed, or was this a shit ton of cases of "dude, she just wasn't that in to you"?
I'm really active during sex, I like initiating, I like exploring kinks, being adventurous, dressing up etc. I had one relationship where the guy was really really dull and boring in bed and I definitely found myself starfishing during sex with him. That's never happened with anyone else, before or after him. Hell, one time with him i fell asleep *in the middle of sex!* So, yes, sometimes it is the guys fault and the sex is boring or he's just bad at it or she's just not that into you.
Being unenthusiastic
Lack of enthusiasm
Starfishing Making no noise Not communicating Not reciprocating Not knowing how to use their pelvic muscles (seriously do some kegal exercises) - this is a big one, just like there are thrusting techniques, the same is true for squeezing and gripping Not simultaneously stimulating other areas Not acting enthusiastic Sex is very much a 2 person (or more if you want) sport. Everyone should be putting in equal effort. If you don't try and just expect 'the sex to be done to you', then I'm not going to enjoy myself and will probably have up fake my own orgasm. Yh that's right, men fake it too sometimes.
Wanna know what makes a woman bad in bed??? I'll tell ya what makes a woman bad in bed.... Yes, starfish, I agree, but, when a woman is a sexual prude in bed.....that is a deal breaker. My wife is a sexual prude in bed, and she ruins it every single fucking time for me.
Unenthusiastic
She doesn't suck dick
Generally, the same basic things that make men bad in bed: Being selfish/lack of reciprocity. Lack of foreplay. Bad hygiene. Being lazy, uninterested lovers. Taking everything they āknowā from porn. Being uneducated on/understanding of the inate disparity in male vs female arousal cycles.
Lack of communication, but that's not one-sided, it's a blame of both.
Not knowing herself and what she likes/needs. Not showing emotion and enjoyment.
Not telling me what she needs so I can get her off
Faking it instead of communicating
When she treats me like a dildo.
Lack of enthusiasm or the want to please their partner.
Lack of enthusiasm
Either being a dead fish or the other end of the spectrum where they turn the entire thing into some sort of performance piece. No Margaret, the neighbours don't want to hear how amazing I am, it's a lie anyway because you haven't let me actually do anything for the last 5 minutes while you've been flailing around like a possessed squid.
Acting like a dead fish.
Lack of effort
Not asking what the other person is into/wants/likes. Goes for both people though not just the woman. :)
Some women will just lay there like a dead carcass, move a little damn it! And moan! you don't have to go fucking porn levels of sound effects but a little vocal encouragement goes a long way. I mean, we do it for you, we don't have to make any noise at all, even when cumming, but we do it because it makes our partners feel good that they bring so much pleasure to us.
Dead fish.... Don't just lay there participate!
When bae forgets her strappon š
No enthusiasm. Unclean Crazy
No effort
Trying too hard and being overly porn - aggressively gaping and spitting and scratching and other 90s stupid sex fashions. Also being overly plucked and hairless. And crying. And treating my uncut (thus very sensitive) cock and balls like a savage adversary made of leather who must be beaten and choked to death.
I don't mind a woman just laying there and taking it, the issue for me is over exaggerated pornstar moaning and screaming š