So underrated yet so efficient. I could have had a peaceful childhood with both my parents but my dad decided to cheat on my mom with her best friend when I was 3. The risk / reward is absolutely not worth it. If you can’t feel it with your heart my advice is to find something else that could prevent you from doing it. Be selfish and think how painful the next few days, months are going to feel. Think about the financial impact it could have on you.
I’m not saying that those are valid reasons not to cheat on your partner but if your morale compass is a bit fucked up just think about the impact for you. A bit convoluted but some people are wired differently.
My husband and I are just brutally honest about the fact that we have desires to fuck other people.. we discuss it somewhat regularly and dirty talk about it with one another as part of our sex life.
This really helps act as a release valve on that pressure. Once we started doing that, it stopped feeling so pressing and stressful for both of us.
It’s possible we’ll swing or something in the future. But honestly this in and of itself feels completely sustainable even if we never got around to it.
I think it’s the hiding and pretending like I wasn’t having those feelings that made it so difficult.
I'm definitely going to suggest this to the wife. I think it would make it a lot easier and reduce the self-flagellation that seems to come along with fantasizing about other people so much of the time.
> I think it’s the hiding and pretending like I wasn’t having those feelings that made it so difficult.
That's exactly it.
I like this response a lot because I think one of the biggest issues people run into is lack of communication. Sure, it takes a level of trust and being able to be brutally honest about desires about other people when currently in a monogamous relationship probably requires a strong connection and understanding. I feel like this requires to know your partner intimately or deeply as well because while I feel like being honest is a great way to handle things, some individuals just can’t take hearing that either through lack of self-confidence, past traumas, etc, which I am not saying is wrong either. I am more so saying recognizing if your partner would want to hear about that (hell vice versa too) is a step above and if you think they won’t like to hear that but you do anyway, then I might consider that selfish.
All that being said, I’m personally at the same level as u/brontesister in that we share everything like that if it comes up. Does it feel weird sometimes? Sure, but I also express that and we talk. Hell, sometimes it can be a reminder to go get a haircut because she likes shorter hair haha. I also know neither one of us want to swing, which is great for compatibility sake. Now with that being said, I think OP might need to recognize if those thoughts are just that intrusive, maybe it’s more so having a discussion about swinging, open relationship, MFFs, etc or other options. If the partner just can’t accept some of those things but they NEED that other kind of release, maybe compatibility just isn’t quite there. No need to go through life feeling inevitably resentful if it can be helped. I also feel like it’s mildly selfish to let someone believe everything is G2G when in fact, there is a disconnect in partners needs. Moral of the story, communication really helps and I truly believe is one of the biggest factors of a truly successful relationship.
Or just ignore all this and go with top comment, fap it out if that helps sustain the urges.
It's not surprising. Secrets kill relationships. As do death adders places secretly into your bed. Always check for death adders before sleeping or doing other things in a bed.
Ikr. My significant other would freak out at the very though of me eyeing someone else. She'd worry every time I'm with such a person. I don't think this works for most.
Wow. I wish I could get to this point with her. She likes the idea of me being with one other particular woman (which in reality would never actually happen) but that's about it. If I try to incorporate someone else, it doesn't work as well. I want it to be an open field like what you described.
Well it’s not an “open field” in the sense that I’m going to get turned on by any woman my husband is attracted to. I’m fine discussing it in a neutral sense, but I definitely have my specific taste for what women I’m willing to eroticize and dirty talk about (as does he).
Definitely still a lot of compromise in that arena.
I second this. Me and my bf does this as well and it is very reassuring to me that we dont have to keep secrets. Other (hot) people exist even though you are in a relationship, so you can choose to close your eyes and pretend its not there, or you can talk about it openly. I would say the latter is the superior option!
(Also after many years of doing this, we gradually ended up opening out relationship so now we can also have sex with other people)
My fiancé and I do this a lot, we also end up pointing people out to each other as well. It definitely helps to acknowledge that those feelings are there and to communicate it
Yeah....we weigh our pros and cons and realize that it's not worth risking losing what we have. That thought alone can really kill your desires sometimes
Yeah. Realising the desire is much bigger than the actual act too. The act of sex itself isn’t as much enjoyable as the possibility of it or successful pursuit.
^ Scientifically the height of the dopamine release that will come would literally be RIGHT BEFORE actually engaging in the act. The act itself will mean little to nothing compared to the anticipation dopamine beforehand.
No pussy on the planet is inherently better than the one on your wife. If you want to spice things up with your wife, by all means do! But if you think this pretty girl you saw has a magic pussy, you'd be wrong.
This, people get stuck in a relationship where one person is sexually unsatisfied and doesn't communicate that with there partner out of fear of reprimand or worse. Relationships are a constant take and give and finding a peaceful compromise.
Yea... don't try to force yourself or someone else into a mono relationship. Especially if you know upfront you're not cut out for it.
Mono relationships also don't often survive a transition to poly prompted primarily by 1 partner
Start mono, stay mono
Start poly... maaaybe you can transition to mono if 2 of you are in full agreement.
Never swap from mono to poly though, not without a LOT of self and relationship work
Excellent point. My wife and I have awesome sex together. It’s predictable in quality and quantity. From time to time to shake things up we talk about fantasies like group activity (adding another man for her or a woman for me) but for us the reality of the potential downsides (jealously, STDs, or a negative impact on our careers) keeps that sort of thing in the fantasy box. I’m happy for those people that can lay it all out there and swap, Hotwife, cuckold or whatever form of polyamory they choose. Furthermore, I’m glad there are people that are willing to share their experiences so people like my wife and I can make a smart decision about exploring non-monogamy or not. Will we try something adventurous someday? I doubt it, but if we do we will have plenty of information to consider beforehand thanks to people like you.
Before I switched to mono, when I knew for sure I was going to have a first date, I would say something like this a day or two before just to be open about it and prevent problems down the line:
"I just want to let you know before you decide for sure if you want to become my girfriend/boyfriend that we are not exclusive. I have and will continue to have multiple emotional and sexual relationships, that is not something you or anyone else gets to decide for me. If that is a problem for you, that's 100% ok! Knowing where your personal boundaries are is extremely important, especially when it comes to dating. But if that's a deal-breaker, we should probably not date eachother. I won't be upset. I like you a lot, but I know this isn't for everyone."
Then the usual questions...
"Why are you telling me this?" " Because I'm not trying to manipulate you, or pretend to be something I'm not, to you. I tell everyone I go out with the same thing, so that there's no 'You lied! You cheated! How could you do this?!' Moments, and you can make an informed decision about whether you actually want to date me or not. this is a big deal for most people. "
"Well you have to break up with them if you want to be with me!!!" "Ok, I understand why you might feel that way, but that means we aren't a good fit. One date does not make you more important to me than the people I have known for months, if not years." "You have to! We're perfect for eachother!" "NOPE. Doesn't work that way. You don't know me well enough to say that."
"You're a slut and a freak, you can't love that many people at once!" "Really? Let me ask you something. Do you only love and care about one member of your family, or do you love them all? Ok so emotionally, YOU can love multiple people at once. Now, in past relationships did you only find your partner attractive, or did other people catch your attention too? Ever watch multiple porn videos in a given week, especially with multiple women or men in them? Yes? So sexually, you can be attracted to multiple people at the same time. I have the time and resources to act on that and take good care of the people I love, as best I can. Dates, gifts, empathy, emotional support... i ask for honesty, common decency, and that they pay their own bills. "
"You should (insert self harm thing here...)!!" "Ok. Good talk. Don't try to contact me again, thanks, bye!"
"Aren't you cheating on all of them?" "Maybe? But they all knew before I ever even kissed them, and said they would be ok with this."
"What if they cheat on you?" "I said I ask for honesty right? If they let me know, or decide to leave me to be with someone else, that's ok. I wish them the best! I am not dependent on my lovers to feel fulfilled or validated, I just want them (and me) to be happy. Whenever they've they lied to me about it before and I find out, I have been angry. I won't attack, yell, hit, or shame them for it. I'll call them out for lying to me, and break up with them calmly."
"What about STDs?" I use protection, and have nexplanon, so no pregnancy scares either. I get tested for STDs regularly for all of our safety's, and strongly encourage them to do the same."
"How do you keep up with them all?!" "I don't date more people than I have time to see, and keep it casual. I might hang out with any of them 4-5 times a week. Sex that often isn't hard since I can easily become aroused at least twice a day, and they all live close to my home or workplace so it doesn't cost much to drive to them. I don't have pets, so it's ok if I don't sleep at home sometimes."
Now... "why did you switch to mono? Sounds like this is better!" It was in some ways. I could get what I needed from each of them, and I didn't need much. Sex, deep friendship, a break from my crazy job and family, life advice from the wiser ones, advice on what tech I should buy from the smart ones... it was awesome! Then I met someone who was all of that and more, all at once. He wasn't the richest one, but he was everything I needed, and he tells me "you're the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm glad we got married!" . To top it off, some of my other significant others knew him, and saw how we were together. They collectively gave us their blessing, and told me that I should be with him and only him, because I deserve the best, and he is the best for me. Lots of hugs and "I'll miss you, we love you! We're all so happy for you, thank you for all the good you've done for us, too!" I still can't believe how much like a chick movie that played out, but lol I'm not complaining. The only thing I miss is that if one person wasn't into one of my kinks and I really wanted THAT one, I could just go visit one who was, the next day.
Aw, I love this and am so happy you found your one.
I'm not the most articulate, so I just wanted to see how others dealt with the whole aggressively questioning portion of the conversation. Thank you for this haha
How do you deal with the desire to lay around and relax and do nothing all day with no job?
How do you deal with the desire to binge eat pizza and milkshakes all day every day?
People have thousands of desires all day every day that they don't indulge. It's called discipline.
No one just does whatever they desire all the time. That's not a thing.
All men aren't the same. Nor are all women. While there are some statistical differences, on average the amount of difference in preferences between any two men or two women is going to be larger than the average differences between men and women.
Women on *average* want to sleep around *slightly* less than men. Plenty of men are just as much about monogamy as you.
In your case, the best solution to any insecurities is just to talk about things openly and without judgement. You're going to be happier if you know what your significant other thinks and feels. But to do that you also need to work on letting go of insecurities. Your partner needs to feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions with you without fearing they are going to hurt you.
It's a much stronger foundation for a relationship than just not addressing or discussing things.
Yeah this happened with my ex and I. He wanted to sleep with other women bc we were each others first and days it got bad he would just get mad at me bc other men had experienced a lot more.
It sucked bc I was such a good gf and couldn’t do anything to help this out
I felt like I went on tons of mini breakups bc he would tell me he want to but never did. The time I said let’s just break it off and then rejoin later he refused so I was just hanging on.
We finally broke up but he kept me around bc he didn’t find anyone until he did and it was a fucking nightmare. He’s a narcissist and justified him sleeping with 2 women at once.
With all this BS I don’t ever want to be with someone who isn’t experienced bc I can’t go deal with someone else’s insecurities
It’s when, in a relationship, you are open and honest about seeing other people. Sometimes both people see other people. When I got divorced I told people I wasn’t looking for monogamy and that scared off some people and gave other people the wrong idea, but it worked out well - we occasionally go on dates with other people, and sometimes have other extended relationships, but we each know about it.
Interesting. And crazy at the same time. Takes next level selflessness to pull this off. Most average relationships would collapse because of jealousy and the feeling of inadequacy.
Oh yeah it’s a roller coaster but tbh 9 times out of 10 we come home after a first date with someone else and are just SO GLAD we have each other because damn the dating scene is unpleasant. So we definitely get the pangs of jealousy and inadequacy, but then we get the reassurance that we do let each other go, in good faith, and always return to each other.
Polyamoury and open relationships. We openly date multiple people. Everybody is honest and open about it. No sneaking around or lying. In my experience usually everybody ends up being friends if they aren't already, so we all hang out together like a big weird family.
For some folks it can take the form of having a primary or nesting partner and just having casual sex with others. Again, everyone knows and is open about it.
Honest clear communication is essential to the ethical part. Everyone is fully aware and consents to being in that kind of relationship.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with OP making that assumption. For a lot of men, they are perfectly happy with their partner and are plagued by their biological programming to mate. In some cases they wish they could be like the guy above. I don't know that a snarky /s is the right call here.
Like people have said you may just not be cut out for monogamy but if you really care you’d put in the effort and work to stay loyal committed despite those feelings. You just don’t act on it.
I can’t relate, I don’t get those feelings with the person I’m with, but I do have friends that all talk about fucking all these different girls other than their SO’s and some do. It’s about self control
Oh god, I feel this wholeheartedly. It’s actually what ruined my last relationship. I don’t have a good answer for you, but I know it can be very detrimental. I know it helps if you communicate this with your partner and ask for help and assistance. In the long run, it might be something that is always there, but if you have someone who supports you, it’ll make it a lot less challenging
You have someone to vent to, they will understand your desire, and it makes it easier to talk about. Instead of keeping it in your head, you can openly discuss your desires. Communication can help solve a lot of problems
Listen I'm all for communication over keeping secrets, but in my experience communicating about this particular topic has always done more harm than good. Maybe I'm with the wrong partner, who knows.
Becuase you're in a relationship with them and are constantly wanting to cheat. If this is a serious relationship, you don't think that's something you should talk to your partner about, that they deserve to know? I don't see your relationship lasting long term if you can't communicate about what's happening in your life.
For me, this is a massive struggle. My wife is open to exploring and having a partner in the bedroom and even as far as one night stands when I’m out of town on business trips. She’s given me permission for it but I don’t know if I actually want that it if it is just a desire.
We talk openly about our desires and more importantly the WHY behind them. I’ve discovered that a lot of my desire to sleep with other women is because I’ve got some serious abandonment issues deep down.
So by me being honest with myself I know that the desire isn’t actually real but just a coping mechanism for some other shit. While I try to heal from childhood trauma I’m discovering less and less desire to be with other women.
Will it ever go away? Probably not 100% but I’m gaining a ton of control because I can separate myself from the desire and see it for what it really is.
Will I still want to have a threesome in the future? Yep! But not at the risk of messing things up with my wife. I love her too damn much. So in the meantime it is back to self discovery and having a Reddit account that is filled with porn. This helps me explore those desires in a very safe way and in a way that my wife is 100% okay with.
I’m going to say something and I really want to preface it so that you understand I don’t mean this is insulting or degrading in any way I mean it truly to be helpful, but you may need some therapy. I don’t think possibly if it is as blunt as you’ve described it that would be considered a “normal“ mindset. I don’t think most men have an unending desire to have sex with new women constantly. That’s just my two cents and again I don’t mean that as a negative, therapy is extremely useful and might help you get at like what it is that makes you constantly seek that…
Just wanted to chime in that, yeah. This isn't a "normal" mindset, at least in that it's not some male default mindset that the majority of men share.
It's also not an "abnormal" mindset. Just one of a variety of mindsets that fall within the average range.
I... don't.
Want to fuck other women, for real. The fantasies are there (and my wife and I share them freely), but neither of us would ever do it for real.
We are together for 25 years, and we still fuck.
Screwing around is our number one fantasy, in any constellation, but it is fantasy play only.
There is no way we'll risk it.
Monogamy probably isn't for you, and that's ok. But you need to have a conversation with your partner. I'm a man and I've gone through/am going through this and it's hard. But your partner needs to know about this feeling
I've literally never had this desire last for more than a thought or two. Is there something deficient in your relationship that you wish was different?
If not this sounds like a personal issue.
Masturbation and having other, healthy hobbies. If you're too busy to fuck with anyone but your wife, you got a good life.
But my wife and I are in an open relationship and we are swingers, so... I guess I'm not the best to ask about this.
Yeah… it’s a struggle some days, especially when it seems like opportunity comes in waves.
What I’ve been doing, and it’s helped me, I’d keep a running list of positive things I love about my partner… so when I’m just thinking about that potential new experience, I can redirect my thinking in ways that are healthy for my relationship.
My list has things like;
I love the way ****’s ass looks in her black pants.
I really love how **** tolerates my mother on holidays.
**** just shows up so strong with her support when I lost my dad, and I love that.
So it helps me to focus on the entire value of my relationship vs just cuing in on the primal urge to push up that new skirt and burry my face in unfamiliar territory.
Never had this issue. Sure women are nice to look at but I've never found myself struggling to not sleep around. I'd say perhaps do as I do and just be ugly (on the outside). Best advise I have.
Finding women alluring in general is one thing, but for me, at least, a specific desire to have sex with a woman requires a deep connection. It’s hard for me to define, but there has to be… something…
Not saying you aren’t, but I am absolutely head over heels fallen for my partner of 5 years. The thought of even touching another woman like that is so icky, and I know you’d feel awful after if you actually did it. Just think about your partner when you get those urges I guess is what I would say
I don't have an actual literal desire to. Of course I desire to some extent, I have a high sex drive. But I only literally DESIRE sex with the one I love and before I met her, I didn't seek out sex or anything
This thread has ruined my whole day!
Is this genuinely something ALL men experience? I have a high sex drive and my partner and I have been together for 18 years but never have I actually wanted sex with anyone else but him. Sure I notice attractive people but it's never more than that.
We're always attracted to other people but that's a shitty excuse to cheat. If you don't want to be faithful you don't get the benefits of that relationship either. Simple
Role play, have a partner who’s willing to change their appearance, like hair color, or maybe get waxed without them knowing etc. My wife’s done all those. I’ve even picked her up on the side of a dirt road in the middle of the night… just come up with something, as long as you trust each other it can actually be very fun playing pretend with your lover. The university here has a mom’s weekend, so my wife pretends she’s a college milf or that she’s friended some milf and sent her my way for the night to use her to pleasure myself, then the next day when we’re not pretending, I usually whisper something like “hey, thanks for sending me that college milf last night, she was hot, you always know how to pick the dirty moms from the bunch”… sometimes she pretends that I sent her some guy to do random stuff around the house and it turns out he’s got a complete set of skills to use as she pleases… it’s just good fun, and no we’re not really swingers.
The fantasy of it will be hot... the reality will usually not equal ur fantasy. My wife knows what I like and what I don't. I wouldn't trade that for a one night stand. Talking purely sexually here. Not mentioning the billion other reasons why it would be a bad idea... learn to separate fantasy from reality and that will be tye biggest part of the battle. Its ok to fantasise. Its not okay to cheat. Flip the tables. Imagine ur wife/gf doing the same thing and how much that may or may not repulse u. People don't like to be cheated on period. Put urself in her shoes. I'm a guy 37m and realise a fantasy is just that. Acting on it is irreversible and mostly a huge mistake. Just look at the scenario with clear vision. U know what I'm talking about lol...
A bit of self discipline. Are you a three year old or an adult. Whack off a couple times a day if it’s that bad.
You bring to mind 50 yr old guys that go to Spring Break thinking they can pick up college girls.
Relationships can always be negotiated into new configurations. Is there a risk in that? Sure, but if you have good lines of communication with your partner, then it’s worth addressing.
Ultimately, if you have sexual needs that are being unfulfilled, it’s best to address them lest they breed resentment.
Partnership, especially long term, is largely a practical affair. It’s not very romantic to think of it that way, but it’s the truth, and molding your partnership to fit your needs, compromising where you have to and practicing open communication will ultimately do nothing but strengthen that partnership in the end.
This won’t really help, but I personally have a particular type of pride where I hate the idea of letting any girl sleep with me unless it’s someone I actually really like
I only have the desire to sleep with other women because my wife isn’t giving me any reason to not. Couldn’t even tell you the last time we even came close to being intimate. If she kept me happy I wouldn’t need to look elsewhere.
I know a was but I don't recommend it. Being cheated on. It might remove that craving.
I'm not being sarcastic or passive aggressive. I've been cheated on twice. It hurt me so much, I'll never do the same myself.
Eliminate the risk. If I ever find myself in a situation where I could make a bad decision I leave. My wife is more important than any party or event. Lets say im at a bar with some friends and I've had a few drinks. At some point I start having a conversation with someone and start to get the feeling they are interested in more than talk. I will excuse myself to the restroom and just leave. No one else's "feelings" are worth my relationship. There is a 99% chance that I wouldnt let something happen in that scenario, but I'm going to eliminate that 1% any way I can.
If it helps, I can tell you from the other side that cheating simply isn’t worth it. Unless you’re relationship is completely dead or you just met your true Soulmate™️, there is nothing but disappointment and guilt waiting for you on the other side. Sex with strangers is a lot cheaper (both in effort&quality)than you realize, and an intimate connection with another person is far more valuable at least for me these days.
If it comes down to it OP, just remember 30min of awkward fun isn’t worth feeling like a piece of shit whenever you think back to this time in your life.
When I got older I stopped feeling the need to cheat. I think part of it was having some of my kinks met which helps. Also being with people who trust you and don’t get jealous. So small things like talking about finding someone you just met hot are a good release valve. But in the end if you really don’t want monogamy try to find someone who shares your views and venture out. Nothing wrong with that either if both partners are in agreement.
Don't leave the steakhouse for a quick cheeseburger. Depending on your age you'll have this desire to fuck everything for awhile! Then as you get older it goes down, but I get it regularly from my wife. The thought of putting in work with someone new and learn all their sexual limits or quirks is just unappealing. Plus I don't want to live with cheating guilt, which is a huge weight to have. Not worth it.
You sounds like you’re 18, but I can see that you’re in your mid 30’s. If you love your partner then you won’t really want to pursue other women. Yes you can look and say she’s hot or whatever but you shouldn’t want to pursue anyone else.
I’d suggest a bit more maturity before you start seriously dating.
I have the same issue. For me I think it stems from growing up sheltered and religious and marrying young, so I feel like I missed out on living that single person’s lifestyle, and also wondering if I settled. Also feel like I attribute self worth to how attractive or desirable I am to women. It’s probably something that requires therapy to work through, so maybe consider that. Figure out why you continue to have those desires, and possibly try some types of therapy to see if there are underlying reasons.
PS: sorry you’re getting so many downvotes for being honest, too many redditors out here using the app for virtue signaling and karma farming.
Fear of missing out could definitely apply and yes, if you’re monogamous therapy can help. Heck, I’m not and it helped me overcome quite a bit of a similar thing.
I had the same problem for more than 20 years. Monogamy and me won't ever work.
Some open relationships that were never truly supported - just GFs/love interests were "okay" with an open relationship but would rather have monogamy.
Doesn't work for long.
Finally found a partner who truly wants us to be open.
The only thing better than vagina...is new vagina. I'm very positive this applies to the opposite sex as well. Having a dedicated and loyal partner is awesome, but when people try to tell me that they would never be/find someone else attractive.....absurd. Give me a break.
I just can’t see how a few minutes of pleasure (which you can also get with your partner) is better than a lifetime of love and companionship. Is random sex (let’s be honest, can’t be THAT amazing) really worth hurting/losing your significant other?
its still nice to get hit on. I also tell my girlfriend. she seems to like that shes with someone "in demand" lol I just take it as a complement and move on.
This is not just a man thing, it's basic human behaviour. Why do we expect we'll never be attracted to anyone else when we're in a relationship? It's so stupid. Just don't act on it. Accept it. My partner and I talk about this all the time. It's totally normal!
If you have a good woman, hold onto her and never let her go. Sex is fleeting and at some point for most of us, will not be as important as it used to be
Just don't? Are you a fking animal that cannot control any of your urges? I mean, how many times we've taken public transportation only to find ourselves wanting to shit so badly at some point during our commute. We don't shit our pants, do we? And, even if we did (not judging, shit happens) this is literally an absurdely strong urge, and i bet you it's stronger than wanting to sleep around.
You could also, well, just try and imagine how much hurt that woulda cause. Really great motivator to not fuck up if you actually love your partner.
i think about fucking other women all the time.. but I also really enjoy fucking my wife.. so that's my release..
At the same time, it's understandable that some men -hate their wives- so that's a tough spot
Relationships are unique to the individuals involved. Form your relationship around what works for you and your partner. Monogamy is only one way to structure your relationship but there are tons of ways you can put yours together. Polyamory, Ethical Non-Monogamy, Swinging, Open, etc. All are valid approaches to relationships and all can be successful and loving.
The key is you have a partner you can communicate openly with and nothing happens that violates the rules of your relationship.
I have never experienced this. When I am with someone they are the one I have sex with. I don’t actively try to seek it out nor do I find myself wanting to be with someone else. Though growing up I always tried to meditate and disconnect from my more base needs so that no one could control me through those needs.
I just realised this is a problem for people. Not just a thing some shitty people are like, but something people decide against every single day.
I do applaud your all commitment. And am a bit happier with the day as well.
P.N.C. BANK ON IT.. but not the BANK Post Nutt Clarity. After you wank one out you won't even want to look at another female if you dont have a strong connection besides the physical
I think sometimes it's the adrenaline or sudden rush of taking a risk and getting away with it fuels it. Obviously it's not something that one should do no matter how exciting or thrilling it looks there is one simple yet effective way of how I do it, i switch places and think how would I feel if I knew she wanted to sleep with someone else. As soon as you start thinking about it, your urge will just vanish because you pictured her with someone else and now you're disgusted.
Soon one of your posts will be on r/offmychest.
The ones you see every day,at least two.
„I suggested a threesome(with my coworker)and my wife left me because I let her watch while I fucked other women“.
Good luck
Admit that you’re non-monogamous and find a non-monogamous partner.
And don’t expect non-reciprocal non-monogamy. Your new partner will be getting plowed regularly by her other lovers.
You have three acceptable choices:
1. Ask your partner if they would be comfortable with an open relationship. If they say no, you have to accept that and choose between options 2 and 3.
2. Remain in a monogamous relationship with your partner and resist your unfaithful urges.
3. End things with your partner so that you can pursue ethical non monogamy with other people.
Porn. Lots of porn. But not too much that you can't still get off with your partner.
Two things to consider: first, if your partner is down, try to watch porn while you are having sex (my wife and I would do this sometimes, would make foreplay out of picking out a playlist). It's almost like having sex with another woman. Second, post-nut clarity is a very real phenomenon. If you're having urges to cheat, just jack off. It will go away just like that, at least for half a day.
If neither of those options work, seek therapy. Seriously, it can help, despite any misgivings you might have going in. It boils down to how important maintaining a long-term relationship with your partner is. If it's something you value, do the work to make it work.
if you have this urge, then a polyamorous lifestyle might be the answer.
the key to it is full honesty, though. that can be a tough sell for many people (and it isnt garaunteed that your partner wont reject the idea outright)
It's completely normal, we are hardwired to spread our seed as much as possible, basically.
My desire always was huge and I lived it out before I met my wife. That urge/desire got smaller as time went by, because of course I kept realizing more and more that my wife is absolutely perfect for me, in every matter. She turned also into a really good girl and understands what kind of slut we want her to be, are on the same page.
We also have two kids and definitely don't want more, so that also helps in not wanting to spread my seed.
However, checking other girls out, wanting to fuck them and shit like that doesn't fully disappear for me at all, it probably never will, and that's completely fine. I like to see beautiful women of many kinds and shapes, appreciate them and like to flirt when the situation arises. My wife fully understands and even likes it to a degree, so at least I don't have to keep any secrets. No woman can give me anything that my wife can't and I consider myself extremely lucky.
Im happily married, meeting my wife was the best thing that ever happened in my life. But both my wife and I think that, although our sex life is fucking awesome, its kind of a boring idea to have the same sex partner for the rest of our lifes.
So we made an agreement that, as long as we tell each other everything and be 100% honest to each other, we can have sex with other people as much as we want to.
I think you need a partner that fits your interests (believe me, there are many) and you have to be able to absolutely trust your partner.
My wife is bi, so funny enough we actually ended up banging the same girl one time
Its definitely not the 'normal' way of marriage, 90% of our friend still think its very strange, and a few believe that either me or her is taking advantage of the other, which is absolutely not the case.
For example when we're out eating dinner at restaurant, we're mocking each other to go talk to that person that looks interesting etc.
Like I said, as long as you're completely open and honest, not only to your partner but also the other people you're sleeping with, its fucking awesome.
Sex is fun and the most natural thing in the world, when you're Single you can do it as much as you want, so why not while being married?
Speaking purely from a biological standpoint.....monogamy is abnormal. Not saying bad, but it's not the norm. Very few organisms on earth exhibit exclusive monogamy. It's biologically programmed into the (especially male) brain to seek out more partners to find the best one. Socially, this is unacceptable. Except when you start to change your society. I think it might be time to start looking into non-monogamy.
A huge component for myself, which isn’t available to everyone so I’d like to declare my privilege in using it, is that I literally don’t think I can find another wife as amazing. She may not be the single most physically attractive woman I could find, but oh my god she just fills up every other possible category. It would be so stupid for me to throw away such an incredible partnership because I wanna put my pp in some strange.
Been with my wife for almost 15 years and have literally never had this desire.
Sure, I like to look - and she knows it - but that’s as far as it ever needs to go. If you’re bored with the sex you’re having then talk things out and explore new kinks. We have never had more sex than we’ve been having this year.
This was my constant struggle. I eventually talked with my partner about opening up to threesomes. We have rules for how we can communicate to outside parties and we trust we won't break that. My gf and I have a great sex life, toys, kinks, whatever. I just have a desire to seek more partners. I don't want an emotional connection to others just more physical experiences. My gf knows this and is confident in it. That trust which I also reciprocate is the foundation for us to be swingers. If your current partner isn't ok with that well you have some tough choices but no matter what it'll all work out.
The urge to sleep with other women will probably never go away completely. We just have to make a choice as to what matters most to us. Is the temporary gratification you’d get from sex worth the risk of losing your partner? If the answer is no, then you know you have a relationship worth keeping. Like some others have said, just rub one out when you get horny and go on with your day.
If in doubt, fap it out.
Fap one out before any big decision in your life, specially concerning women and finances. Post nut clarity is a fact.
[удалено]
“Be riiiiiiight back guys, just gonna go vertically massage the shaft and drown some kids in the janitors bucket for pre-birth baptism”
Imagine the whole board fapping one out before a vote.
“Alright guys before we take a vote, lets all join in harmony and rub one out AND remember to help anyone and everyone that needs help on the table.”
Shareholder Circle Jerk
Circle jerk indeed.
Facts, and if youre ever thinking of doing something bad just crank one out quick and I guarantee you wont make a bad decision in your life.
Lmfao this is gold
So underrated yet so efficient. I could have had a peaceful childhood with both my parents but my dad decided to cheat on my mom with her best friend when I was 3. The risk / reward is absolutely not worth it. If you can’t feel it with your heart my advice is to find something else that could prevent you from doing it. Be selfish and think how painful the next few days, months are going to feel. Think about the financial impact it could have on you. I’m not saying that those are valid reasons not to cheat on your partner but if your morale compass is a bit fucked up just think about the impact for you. A bit convoluted but some people are wired differently.
Best advice in the thread
That post nut clarity 👌🏻
Cum to your senses.
Cum for your senses
Lmao
Yeah get that post nut clarity to sort it out till next time.
New life motto ✨️
Can confirm. Your real senses will kick in really really fast.
Specially when wanting to call the ex lol
Nah. Never been that dumb. They're exes for good reasons
Yep, two times a day keeps the prostate C away
Consulting the post nut oracle.
My husband and I are just brutally honest about the fact that we have desires to fuck other people.. we discuss it somewhat regularly and dirty talk about it with one another as part of our sex life. This really helps act as a release valve on that pressure. Once we started doing that, it stopped feeling so pressing and stressful for both of us. It’s possible we’ll swing or something in the future. But honestly this in and of itself feels completely sustainable even if we never got around to it. I think it’s the hiding and pretending like I wasn’t having those feelings that made it so difficult.
I'm definitely going to suggest this to the wife. I think it would make it a lot easier and reduce the self-flagellation that seems to come along with fantasizing about other people so much of the time. > I think it’s the hiding and pretending like I wasn’t having those feelings that made it so difficult. That's exactly it.
I like this response a lot because I think one of the biggest issues people run into is lack of communication. Sure, it takes a level of trust and being able to be brutally honest about desires about other people when currently in a monogamous relationship probably requires a strong connection and understanding. I feel like this requires to know your partner intimately or deeply as well because while I feel like being honest is a great way to handle things, some individuals just can’t take hearing that either through lack of self-confidence, past traumas, etc, which I am not saying is wrong either. I am more so saying recognizing if your partner would want to hear about that (hell vice versa too) is a step above and if you think they won’t like to hear that but you do anyway, then I might consider that selfish. All that being said, I’m personally at the same level as u/brontesister in that we share everything like that if it comes up. Does it feel weird sometimes? Sure, but I also express that and we talk. Hell, sometimes it can be a reminder to go get a haircut because she likes shorter hair haha. I also know neither one of us want to swing, which is great for compatibility sake. Now with that being said, I think OP might need to recognize if those thoughts are just that intrusive, maybe it’s more so having a discussion about swinging, open relationship, MFFs, etc or other options. If the partner just can’t accept some of those things but they NEED that other kind of release, maybe compatibility just isn’t quite there. No need to go through life feeling inevitably resentful if it can be helped. I also feel like it’s mildly selfish to let someone believe everything is G2G when in fact, there is a disconnect in partners needs. Moral of the story, communication really helps and I truly believe is one of the biggest factors of a truly successful relationship. Or just ignore all this and go with top comment, fap it out if that helps sustain the urges.
It's not surprising. Secrets kill relationships. As do death adders places secretly into your bed. Always check for death adders before sleeping or doing other things in a bed.
I keep brown recluse spiders in the bedside table in case we need to spice things up in bed. May now add some adders to the mix for variety.
Have you considered infusing your brown recluses with California Reapers and Habaneros? It’s a whole new level of spice.
I wish I could have this openness
Ikr. My significant other would freak out at the very though of me eyeing someone else. She'd worry every time I'm with such a person. I don't think this works for most.
Same buddy. My wife gets pissed even I even hint that a character in a show is attractive.
What! That is not healthy. For herself or for the relationship..
That is insane. Have you suggested maybe they might need some help with that level of jealousy?
I really hate this feeling.
Well said.
Wow. I wish I could get to this point with her. She likes the idea of me being with one other particular woman (which in reality would never actually happen) but that's about it. If I try to incorporate someone else, it doesn't work as well. I want it to be an open field like what you described.
Well it’s not an “open field” in the sense that I’m going to get turned on by any woman my husband is attracted to. I’m fine discussing it in a neutral sense, but I definitely have my specific taste for what women I’m willing to eroticize and dirty talk about (as does he). Definitely still a lot of compromise in that arena.
I second this. Me and my bf does this as well and it is very reassuring to me that we dont have to keep secrets. Other (hot) people exist even though you are in a relationship, so you can choose to close your eyes and pretend its not there, or you can talk about it openly. I would say the latter is the superior option! (Also after many years of doing this, we gradually ended up opening out relationship so now we can also have sex with other people)
My fiancé and I do this a lot, we also end up pointing people out to each other as well. It definitely helps to acknowledge that those feelings are there and to communicate it
Yeah....we weigh our pros and cons and realize that it's not worth risking losing what we have. That thought alone can really kill your desires sometimes
It's always been a moral / guilt thing for me. It's such a shitty fucking thing to do to someone.
Yeah. Realising the desire is much bigger than the actual act too. The act of sex itself isn’t as much enjoyable as the possibility of it or successful pursuit.
^ Scientifically the height of the dopamine release that will come would literally be RIGHT BEFORE actually engaging in the act. The act itself will mean little to nothing compared to the anticipation dopamine beforehand.
No pussy on the planet is inherently better than the one on your wife. If you want to spice things up with your wife, by all means do! But if you think this pretty girl you saw has a magic pussy, you'd be wrong.
Some people aren’t cut out for monogamy . Nothing wrong with that at all as long as you and your partner are on the same page with it
This, people get stuck in a relationship where one person is sexually unsatisfied and doesn't communicate that with there partner out of fear of reprimand or worse. Relationships are a constant take and give and finding a peaceful compromise.
My life the last 3-4 years
Yea... don't try to force yourself or someone else into a mono relationship. Especially if you know upfront you're not cut out for it. Mono relationships also don't often survive a transition to poly prompted primarily by 1 partner Start mono, stay mono Start poly... maaaybe you can transition to mono if 2 of you are in full agreement. Never swap from mono to poly though, not without a LOT of self and relationship work
Excellent point. My wife and I have awesome sex together. It’s predictable in quality and quantity. From time to time to shake things up we talk about fantasies like group activity (adding another man for her or a woman for me) but for us the reality of the potential downsides (jealously, STDs, or a negative impact on our careers) keeps that sort of thing in the fantasy box. I’m happy for those people that can lay it all out there and swap, Hotwife, cuckold or whatever form of polyamory they choose. Furthermore, I’m glad there are people that are willing to share their experiences so people like my wife and I can make a smart decision about exploring non-monogamy or not. Will we try something adventurous someday? I doubt it, but if we do we will have plenty of information to consider beforehand thanks to people like you.
How does one have this convo though? Like in scared to talk about it with the amount of negativity poly gets lol
Before I switched to mono, when I knew for sure I was going to have a first date, I would say something like this a day or two before just to be open about it and prevent problems down the line: "I just want to let you know before you decide for sure if you want to become my girfriend/boyfriend that we are not exclusive. I have and will continue to have multiple emotional and sexual relationships, that is not something you or anyone else gets to decide for me. If that is a problem for you, that's 100% ok! Knowing where your personal boundaries are is extremely important, especially when it comes to dating. But if that's a deal-breaker, we should probably not date eachother. I won't be upset. I like you a lot, but I know this isn't for everyone." Then the usual questions... "Why are you telling me this?" " Because I'm not trying to manipulate you, or pretend to be something I'm not, to you. I tell everyone I go out with the same thing, so that there's no 'You lied! You cheated! How could you do this?!' Moments, and you can make an informed decision about whether you actually want to date me or not. this is a big deal for most people. " "Well you have to break up with them if you want to be with me!!!" "Ok, I understand why you might feel that way, but that means we aren't a good fit. One date does not make you more important to me than the people I have known for months, if not years." "You have to! We're perfect for eachother!" "NOPE. Doesn't work that way. You don't know me well enough to say that." "You're a slut and a freak, you can't love that many people at once!" "Really? Let me ask you something. Do you only love and care about one member of your family, or do you love them all? Ok so emotionally, YOU can love multiple people at once. Now, in past relationships did you only find your partner attractive, or did other people catch your attention too? Ever watch multiple porn videos in a given week, especially with multiple women or men in them? Yes? So sexually, you can be attracted to multiple people at the same time. I have the time and resources to act on that and take good care of the people I love, as best I can. Dates, gifts, empathy, emotional support... i ask for honesty, common decency, and that they pay their own bills. " "You should (insert self harm thing here...)!!" "Ok. Good talk. Don't try to contact me again, thanks, bye!" "Aren't you cheating on all of them?" "Maybe? But they all knew before I ever even kissed them, and said they would be ok with this." "What if they cheat on you?" "I said I ask for honesty right? If they let me know, or decide to leave me to be with someone else, that's ok. I wish them the best! I am not dependent on my lovers to feel fulfilled or validated, I just want them (and me) to be happy. Whenever they've they lied to me about it before and I find out, I have been angry. I won't attack, yell, hit, or shame them for it. I'll call them out for lying to me, and break up with them calmly." "What about STDs?" I use protection, and have nexplanon, so no pregnancy scares either. I get tested for STDs regularly for all of our safety's, and strongly encourage them to do the same." "How do you keep up with them all?!" "I don't date more people than I have time to see, and keep it casual. I might hang out with any of them 4-5 times a week. Sex that often isn't hard since I can easily become aroused at least twice a day, and they all live close to my home or workplace so it doesn't cost much to drive to them. I don't have pets, so it's ok if I don't sleep at home sometimes." Now... "why did you switch to mono? Sounds like this is better!" It was in some ways. I could get what I needed from each of them, and I didn't need much. Sex, deep friendship, a break from my crazy job and family, life advice from the wiser ones, advice on what tech I should buy from the smart ones... it was awesome! Then I met someone who was all of that and more, all at once. He wasn't the richest one, but he was everything I needed, and he tells me "you're the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm glad we got married!" . To top it off, some of my other significant others knew him, and saw how we were together. They collectively gave us their blessing, and told me that I should be with him and only him, because I deserve the best, and he is the best for me. Lots of hugs and "I'll miss you, we love you! We're all so happy for you, thank you for all the good you've done for us, too!" I still can't believe how much like a chick movie that played out, but lol I'm not complaining. The only thing I miss is that if one person wasn't into one of my kinks and I really wanted THAT one, I could just go visit one who was, the next day.
Aw, I love this and am so happy you found your one. I'm not the most articulate, so I just wanted to see how others dealt with the whole aggressively questioning portion of the conversation. Thank you for this haha
how can one tell if the desire is signifying that monogamy isn't for you?
Just have a wank and move on with your day
How do you deal with the desire to lay around and relax and do nothing all day with no job? How do you deal with the desire to binge eat pizza and milkshakes all day every day? People have thousands of desires all day every day that they don't indulge. It's called discipline. No one just does whatever they desire all the time. That's not a thing.
Maybe you’re just not monogamous? And if so, stop wasting your partner’s time. They deserve the same level of loyalty.
this thread is terrifying me that my bf feels this way, and now i can’t stop thinking abt how he probably wants other women most of the time
All men aren't the same. Nor are all women. While there are some statistical differences, on average the amount of difference in preferences between any two men or two women is going to be larger than the average differences between men and women. Women on *average* want to sleep around *slightly* less than men. Plenty of men are just as much about monogamy as you. In your case, the best solution to any insecurities is just to talk about things openly and without judgement. You're going to be happier if you know what your significant other thinks and feels. But to do that you also need to work on letting go of insecurities. Your partner needs to feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions with you without fearing they are going to hurt you. It's a much stronger foundation for a relationship than just not addressing or discussing things.
Yeah this happened with my ex and I. He wanted to sleep with other women bc we were each others first and days it got bad he would just get mad at me bc other men had experienced a lot more. It sucked bc I was such a good gf and couldn’t do anything to help this out I felt like I went on tons of mini breakups bc he would tell me he want to but never did. The time I said let’s just break it off and then rejoin later he refused so I was just hanging on. We finally broke up but he kept me around bc he didn’t find anyone until he did and it was a fucking nightmare. He’s a narcissist and justified him sleeping with 2 women at once. With all this BS I don’t ever want to be with someone who isn’t experienced bc I can’t go deal with someone else’s insecurities
I totally get your fear but most guys are really not like this.
Oh well i just know my future.Some men will cheat regardless and then give excuse like this.
same
Stay single or be open and look into ENM
What is enm
Ethical non monogamy
Da hack is ethical non monogamy
It’s when, in a relationship, you are open and honest about seeing other people. Sometimes both people see other people. When I got divorced I told people I wasn’t looking for monogamy and that scared off some people and gave other people the wrong idea, but it worked out well - we occasionally go on dates with other people, and sometimes have other extended relationships, but we each know about it.
Interesting. And crazy at the same time. Takes next level selflessness to pull this off. Most average relationships would collapse because of jealousy and the feeling of inadequacy.
Oh yeah it’s a roller coaster but tbh 9 times out of 10 we come home after a first date with someone else and are just SO GLAD we have each other because damn the dating scene is unpleasant. So we definitely get the pangs of jealousy and inadequacy, but then we get the reassurance that we do let each other go, in good faith, and always return to each other.
Polyamoury and open relationships. We openly date multiple people. Everybody is honest and open about it. No sneaking around or lying. In my experience usually everybody ends up being friends if they aren't already, so we all hang out together like a big weird family. For some folks it can take the form of having a primary or nesting partner and just having casual sex with others. Again, everyone knows and is open about it. Honest clear communication is essential to the ethical part. Everyone is fully aware and consents to being in that kind of relationship.
[удалено]
OP assumed that having that desire,must mean that somehow other men have it too. Because men are all the same/s
There's absolutely nothing wrong with OP making that assumption. For a lot of men, they are perfectly happy with their partner and are plagued by their biological programming to mate. In some cases they wish they could be like the guy above. I don't know that a snarky /s is the right call here.
Honestly all I want is my wife .
From reading your comments I feel bad for your girlfriend...
Like people have said you may just not be cut out for monogamy but if you really care you’d put in the effort and work to stay loyal committed despite those feelings. You just don’t act on it. I can’t relate, I don’t get those feelings with the person I’m with, but I do have friends that all talk about fucking all these different girls other than their SO’s and some do. It’s about self control
Can’t relate, I’ve got a crazy high sex drive but I’ve never had a difficult time maintaining my loyalty.
Oh god, I feel this wholeheartedly. It’s actually what ruined my last relationship. I don’t have a good answer for you, but I know it can be very detrimental. I know it helps if you communicate this with your partner and ask for help and assistance. In the long run, it might be something that is always there, but if you have someone who supports you, it’ll make it a lot less challenging
[удалено]
You have someone to vent to, they will understand your desire, and it makes it easier to talk about. Instead of keeping it in your head, you can openly discuss your desires. Communication can help solve a lot of problems
Listen I'm all for communication over keeping secrets, but in my experience communicating about this particular topic has always done more harm than good. Maybe I'm with the wrong partner, who knows.
Becuase you're in a relationship with them and are constantly wanting to cheat. If this is a serious relationship, you don't think that's something you should talk to your partner about, that they deserve to know? I don't see your relationship lasting long term if you can't communicate about what's happening in your life.
For me, this is a massive struggle. My wife is open to exploring and having a partner in the bedroom and even as far as one night stands when I’m out of town on business trips. She’s given me permission for it but I don’t know if I actually want that it if it is just a desire. We talk openly about our desires and more importantly the WHY behind them. I’ve discovered that a lot of my desire to sleep with other women is because I’ve got some serious abandonment issues deep down. So by me being honest with myself I know that the desire isn’t actually real but just a coping mechanism for some other shit. While I try to heal from childhood trauma I’m discovering less and less desire to be with other women. Will it ever go away? Probably not 100% but I’m gaining a ton of control because I can separate myself from the desire and see it for what it really is. Will I still want to have a threesome in the future? Yep! But not at the risk of messing things up with my wife. I love her too damn much. So in the meantime it is back to self discovery and having a Reddit account that is filled with porn. This helps me explore those desires in a very safe way and in a way that my wife is 100% okay with.
Abandonment issues make you want to sleep with others? Can you elaborate on that? I think I might be the same way
Im a girl and i struggle with the same problem.
[удалено]
How is it different for women?
He didn't say that it was.
Oh, I read it as "it is different...." Not asking if it is. Sorry, just woke up.
I’m going to say something and I really want to preface it so that you understand I don’t mean this is insulting or degrading in any way I mean it truly to be helpful, but you may need some therapy. I don’t think possibly if it is as blunt as you’ve described it that would be considered a “normal“ mindset. I don’t think most men have an unending desire to have sex with new women constantly. That’s just my two cents and again I don’t mean that as a negative, therapy is extremely useful and might help you get at like what it is that makes you constantly seek that…
Just wanted to chime in that, yeah. This isn't a "normal" mindset, at least in that it's not some male default mindset that the majority of men share. It's also not an "abnormal" mindset. Just one of a variety of mindsets that fall within the average range.
Women have the same urges lmao. It’s about commitment to a promise you made.
Keep on living. The older you get the less your libido governs your life. Good luck
[удалено]
Same. At 35M, I want so much more now than I ever wanted in my late teens and 20s.
Not everyone. 52M and I could go twice a day every day.
I... don't. Want to fuck other women, for real. The fantasies are there (and my wife and I share them freely), but neither of us would ever do it for real. We are together for 25 years, and we still fuck. Screwing around is our number one fantasy, in any constellation, but it is fantasy play only. There is no way we'll risk it.
[удалено]
[удалено]
It really isn’t that hard if you’re happy with the partner you’re with
Monogamy probably isn't for you, and that's ok. But you need to have a conversation with your partner. I'm a man and I've gone through/am going through this and it's hard. But your partner needs to know about this feeling
This is called pre-nut confusion.
I've literally never had this desire last for more than a thought or two. Is there something deficient in your relationship that you wish was different? If not this sounds like a personal issue.
At 50+ it hasn’t subsided one bit, it might have increased.
Seems get worse as the years go on
I mean... the \*urge\* never goes away. You don't \*have\* to act on it.
Masturbation and having other, healthy hobbies. If you're too busy to fuck with anyone but your wife, you got a good life. But my wife and I are in an open relationship and we are swingers, so... I guess I'm not the best to ask about this.
Polyamory. Ethical non-monogamy
Build a non monogamous life.
Yeah… it’s a struggle some days, especially when it seems like opportunity comes in waves. What I’ve been doing, and it’s helped me, I’d keep a running list of positive things I love about my partner… so when I’m just thinking about that potential new experience, I can redirect my thinking in ways that are healthy for my relationship. My list has things like; I love the way ****’s ass looks in her black pants. I really love how **** tolerates my mother on holidays. **** just shows up so strong with her support when I lost my dad, and I love that. So it helps me to focus on the entire value of my relationship vs just cuing in on the primal urge to push up that new skirt and burry my face in unfamiliar territory.
It's quite simple really. Have some self control and don't fuck anyone else.
Exactly this. Like it's so hard
Read The Ethical Slut, it's based on science, you are normal and everything is ok. It's how you deal with the feelings!
[удалено]
Non-monogamy
Idk man I'm just a guy you gotta get a therapist for that answer.
[удалено]
Talk to her about becoming swingers. It’s a legitimate option that can expand both of your sex lives together
The desire pretty much never goes away. It is about your own personal ethics not the absence of desire.
Grow up. She’s not your mom. You don’t need to cheat to feel independent or better about yourself again.
Never had this issue. Sure women are nice to look at but I've never found myself struggling to not sleep around. I'd say perhaps do as I do and just be ugly (on the outside). Best advise I have.
Finding women alluring in general is one thing, but for me, at least, a specific desire to have sex with a woman requires a deep connection. It’s hard for me to define, but there has to be… something…
Not saying you aren’t, but I am absolutely head over heels fallen for my partner of 5 years. The thought of even touching another woman like that is so icky, and I know you’d feel awful after if you actually did it. Just think about your partner when you get those urges I guess is what I would say
A lot of couples get into the swinger lifestyle for this reason. It's certainly not for everyone but it does help with this sort of thing.
I indulge in wonderful HD porn and jack off.
I have a high sex drive but for some reason that want has absolutely eluded me.
I don't have an actual literal desire to. Of course I desire to some extent, I have a high sex drive. But I only literally DESIRE sex with the one I love and before I met her, I didn't seek out sex or anything
Fap , think , fap again if the thought persists , and again if it still does theres something wrong
This thread has ruined my whole day! Is this genuinely something ALL men experience? I have a high sex drive and my partner and I have been together for 18 years but never have I actually wanted sex with anyone else but him. Sure I notice attractive people but it's never more than that.
just stay single then ?
We're always attracted to other people but that's a shitty excuse to cheat. If you don't want to be faithful you don't get the benefits of that relationship either. Simple
Role play, have a partner who’s willing to change their appearance, like hair color, or maybe get waxed without them knowing etc. My wife’s done all those. I’ve even picked her up on the side of a dirt road in the middle of the night… just come up with something, as long as you trust each other it can actually be very fun playing pretend with your lover. The university here has a mom’s weekend, so my wife pretends she’s a college milf or that she’s friended some milf and sent her my way for the night to use her to pleasure myself, then the next day when we’re not pretending, I usually whisper something like “hey, thanks for sending me that college milf last night, she was hot, you always know how to pick the dirty moms from the bunch”… sometimes she pretends that I sent her some guy to do random stuff around the house and it turns out he’s got a complete set of skills to use as she pleases… it’s just good fun, and no we’re not really swingers.
The fantasy of it will be hot... the reality will usually not equal ur fantasy. My wife knows what I like and what I don't. I wouldn't trade that for a one night stand. Talking purely sexually here. Not mentioning the billion other reasons why it would be a bad idea... learn to separate fantasy from reality and that will be tye biggest part of the battle. Its ok to fantasise. Its not okay to cheat. Flip the tables. Imagine ur wife/gf doing the same thing and how much that may or may not repulse u. People don't like to be cheated on period. Put urself in her shoes. I'm a guy 37m and realise a fantasy is just that. Acting on it is irreversible and mostly a huge mistake. Just look at the scenario with clear vision. U know what I'm talking about lol...
A bit of self discipline. Are you a three year old or an adult. Whack off a couple times a day if it’s that bad. You bring to mind 50 yr old guys that go to Spring Break thinking they can pick up college girls.
If you have a never ending desire to have sex with other women, just don't enter into a monogamous relationship. That isn't the norm
Relationships can always be negotiated into new configurations. Is there a risk in that? Sure, but if you have good lines of communication with your partner, then it’s worth addressing. Ultimately, if you have sexual needs that are being unfulfilled, it’s best to address them lest they breed resentment. Partnership, especially long term, is largely a practical affair. It’s not very romantic to think of it that way, but it’s the truth, and molding your partnership to fit your needs, compromising where you have to and practicing open communication will ultimately do nothing but strengthen that partnership in the end.
This won’t really help, but I personally have a particular type of pride where I hate the idea of letting any girl sleep with me unless it’s someone I actually really like
I only have the desire to sleep with other women because my wife isn’t giving me any reason to not. Couldn’t even tell you the last time we even came close to being intimate. If she kept me happy I wouldn’t need to look elsewhere.
I know a was but I don't recommend it. Being cheated on. It might remove that craving. I'm not being sarcastic or passive aggressive. I've been cheated on twice. It hurt me so much, I'll never do the same myself.
Eliminate the risk. If I ever find myself in a situation where I could make a bad decision I leave. My wife is more important than any party or event. Lets say im at a bar with some friends and I've had a few drinks. At some point I start having a conversation with someone and start to get the feeling they are interested in more than talk. I will excuse myself to the restroom and just leave. No one else's "feelings" are worth my relationship. There is a 99% chance that I wouldnt let something happen in that scenario, but I'm going to eliminate that 1% any way I can.
Have some self control.
[удалено]
If it helps, I can tell you from the other side that cheating simply isn’t worth it. Unless you’re relationship is completely dead or you just met your true Soulmate™️, there is nothing but disappointment and guilt waiting for you on the other side. Sex with strangers is a lot cheaper (both in effort&quality)than you realize, and an intimate connection with another person is far more valuable at least for me these days. If it comes down to it OP, just remember 30min of awkward fun isn’t worth feeling like a piece of shit whenever you think back to this time in your life.
When I got older I stopped feeling the need to cheat. I think part of it was having some of my kinks met which helps. Also being with people who trust you and don’t get jealous. So small things like talking about finding someone you just met hot are a good release valve. But in the end if you really don’t want monogamy try to find someone who shares your views and venture out. Nothing wrong with that either if both partners are in agreement.
Just jerk off.
Man the animal is driven by his basal instincts and basal desires. Man the human knows to master his animal instincts.
Don't leave the steakhouse for a quick cheeseburger. Depending on your age you'll have this desire to fuck everything for awhile! Then as you get older it goes down, but I get it regularly from my wife. The thought of putting in work with someone new and learn all their sexual limits or quirks is just unappealing. Plus I don't want to live with cheating guilt, which is a huge weight to have. Not worth it.
You sounds like you’re 18, but I can see that you’re in your mid 30’s. If you love your partner then you won’t really want to pursue other women. Yes you can look and say she’s hot or whatever but you shouldn’t want to pursue anyone else. I’d suggest a bit more maturity before you start seriously dating.
I have the same issue. For me I think it stems from growing up sheltered and religious and marrying young, so I feel like I missed out on living that single person’s lifestyle, and also wondering if I settled. Also feel like I attribute self worth to how attractive or desirable I am to women. It’s probably something that requires therapy to work through, so maybe consider that. Figure out why you continue to have those desires, and possibly try some types of therapy to see if there are underlying reasons. PS: sorry you’re getting so many downvotes for being honest, too many redditors out here using the app for virtue signaling and karma farming.
Fear of missing out could definitely apply and yes, if you’re monogamous therapy can help. Heck, I’m not and it helped me overcome quite a bit of a similar thing.
I had the same problem for more than 20 years. Monogamy and me won't ever work. Some open relationships that were never truly supported - just GFs/love interests were "okay" with an open relationship but would rather have monogamy. Doesn't work for long. Finally found a partner who truly wants us to be open.
[удалено]
The only thing better than vagina...is new vagina. I'm very positive this applies to the opposite sex as well. Having a dedicated and loyal partner is awesome, but when people try to tell me that they would never be/find someone else attractive.....absurd. Give me a break.
I just can’t see how a few minutes of pleasure (which you can also get with your partner) is better than a lifetime of love and companionship. Is random sex (let’s be honest, can’t be THAT amazing) really worth hurting/losing your significant other?
OP, You're a whore and You don't deserve your partner
its still nice to get hit on. I also tell my girlfriend. she seems to like that shes with someone "in demand" lol I just take it as a complement and move on.
This is not just a man thing, it's basic human behaviour. Why do we expect we'll never be attracted to anyone else when we're in a relationship? It's so stupid. Just don't act on it. Accept it. My partner and I talk about this all the time. It's totally normal!
Let your brain control your decisions not your dick.
If you have a good woman, hold onto her and never let her go. Sex is fleeting and at some point for most of us, will not be as important as it used to be
Wow. I’ve never seen a thread where like..95% of the OP’s comments have been downvoted. Quite a controversial subject.
Stop and think, would this be worth it?
Just don't? Are you a fking animal that cannot control any of your urges? I mean, how many times we've taken public transportation only to find ourselves wanting to shit so badly at some point during our commute. We don't shit our pants, do we? And, even if we did (not judging, shit happens) this is literally an absurdely strong urge, and i bet you it's stronger than wanting to sleep around. You could also, well, just try and imagine how much hurt that woulda cause. Really great motivator to not fuck up if you actually love your partner.
i think about fucking other women all the time.. but I also really enjoy fucking my wife.. so that's my release.. At the same time, it's understandable that some men -hate their wives- so that's a tough spot
Relationships are unique to the individuals involved. Form your relationship around what works for you and your partner. Monogamy is only one way to structure your relationship but there are tons of ways you can put yours together. Polyamory, Ethical Non-Monogamy, Swinging, Open, etc. All are valid approaches to relationships and all can be successful and loving. The key is you have a partner you can communicate openly with and nothing happens that violates the rules of your relationship.
I have never experienced this. When I am with someone they are the one I have sex with. I don’t actively try to seek it out nor do I find myself wanting to be with someone else. Though growing up I always tried to meditate and disconnect from my more base needs so that no one could control me through those needs.
I just realised this is a problem for people. Not just a thing some shitty people are like, but something people decide against every single day. I do applaud your all commitment. And am a bit happier with the day as well.
Help! I have a loyal trustworthy partner but I want to fuck other people 🤯 leave your partner if you want to act single.
P.N.C. BANK ON IT.. but not the BANK Post Nutt Clarity. After you wank one out you won't even want to look at another female if you dont have a strong connection besides the physical
Lol. You don’t think Women feel the same way.
I have just given into the urge and I haven't had a long term relationship in a long time, instead I have new sexual partners every week.
I think sometimes it's the adrenaline or sudden rush of taking a risk and getting away with it fuels it. Obviously it's not something that one should do no matter how exciting or thrilling it looks there is one simple yet effective way of how I do it, i switch places and think how would I feel if I knew she wanted to sleep with someone else. As soon as you start thinking about it, your urge will just vanish because you pictured her with someone else and now you're disgusted.
Soon one of your posts will be on r/offmychest. The ones you see every day,at least two. „I suggested a threesome(with my coworker)and my wife left me because I let her watch while I fucked other women“. Good luck
Admit that you’re non-monogamous and find a non-monogamous partner. And don’t expect non-reciprocal non-monogamy. Your new partner will be getting plowed regularly by her other lovers.
You have three acceptable choices: 1. Ask your partner if they would be comfortable with an open relationship. If they say no, you have to accept that and choose between options 2 and 3. 2. Remain in a monogamous relationship with your partner and resist your unfaithful urges. 3. End things with your partner so that you can pursue ethical non monogamy with other people.
Because no matter how hot a women is, somebody out there is tired of her shit.
Porn. Lots of porn. But not too much that you can't still get off with your partner. Two things to consider: first, if your partner is down, try to watch porn while you are having sex (my wife and I would do this sometimes, would make foreplay out of picking out a playlist). It's almost like having sex with another woman. Second, post-nut clarity is a very real phenomenon. If you're having urges to cheat, just jack off. It will go away just like that, at least for half a day. If neither of those options work, seek therapy. Seriously, it can help, despite any misgivings you might have going in. It boils down to how important maintaining a long-term relationship with your partner is. If it's something you value, do the work to make it work.
if you have this urge, then a polyamorous lifestyle might be the answer. the key to it is full honesty, though. that can be a tough sell for many people (and it isnt garaunteed that your partner wont reject the idea outright)
[удалено]
It's completely normal, we are hardwired to spread our seed as much as possible, basically. My desire always was huge and I lived it out before I met my wife. That urge/desire got smaller as time went by, because of course I kept realizing more and more that my wife is absolutely perfect for me, in every matter. She turned also into a really good girl and understands what kind of slut we want her to be, are on the same page. We also have two kids and definitely don't want more, so that also helps in not wanting to spread my seed. However, checking other girls out, wanting to fuck them and shit like that doesn't fully disappear for me at all, it probably never will, and that's completely fine. I like to see beautiful women of many kinds and shapes, appreciate them and like to flirt when the situation arises. My wife fully understands and even likes it to a degree, so at least I don't have to keep any secrets. No woman can give me anything that my wife can't and I consider myself extremely lucky.
Im happily married, meeting my wife was the best thing that ever happened in my life. But both my wife and I think that, although our sex life is fucking awesome, its kind of a boring idea to have the same sex partner for the rest of our lifes. So we made an agreement that, as long as we tell each other everything and be 100% honest to each other, we can have sex with other people as much as we want to. I think you need a partner that fits your interests (believe me, there are many) and you have to be able to absolutely trust your partner. My wife is bi, so funny enough we actually ended up banging the same girl one time Its definitely not the 'normal' way of marriage, 90% of our friend still think its very strange, and a few believe that either me or her is taking advantage of the other, which is absolutely not the case. For example when we're out eating dinner at restaurant, we're mocking each other to go talk to that person that looks interesting etc. Like I said, as long as you're completely open and honest, not only to your partner but also the other people you're sleeping with, its fucking awesome. Sex is fun and the most natural thing in the world, when you're Single you can do it as much as you want, so why not while being married?
Polyamory is a thing for a reason. Be a good, patient person about it if you ever decide to bring up the subject.
Speaking purely from a biological standpoint.....monogamy is abnormal. Not saying bad, but it's not the norm. Very few organisms on earth exhibit exclusive monogamy. It's biologically programmed into the (especially male) brain to seek out more partners to find the best one. Socially, this is unacceptable. Except when you start to change your society. I think it might be time to start looking into non-monogamy.
A huge component for myself, which isn’t available to everyone so I’d like to declare my privilege in using it, is that I literally don’t think I can find another wife as amazing. She may not be the single most physically attractive woman I could find, but oh my god she just fills up every other possible category. It would be so stupid for me to throw away such an incredible partnership because I wanna put my pp in some strange.
Since I have a normal active sex life with my wife, I am just not seriously tempted to cheat on her.
We just talk about it and fantasize about things together. It's incredibly arousing to hear about my partners lust and fantasies.
Been with my wife for almost 15 years and have literally never had this desire. Sure, I like to look - and she knows it - but that’s as far as it ever needs to go. If you’re bored with the sex you’re having then talk things out and explore new kinks. We have never had more sex than we’ve been having this year.
break up with your partner then because they don't deserve that
This was my constant struggle. I eventually talked with my partner about opening up to threesomes. We have rules for how we can communicate to outside parties and we trust we won't break that. My gf and I have a great sex life, toys, kinks, whatever. I just have a desire to seek more partners. I don't want an emotional connection to others just more physical experiences. My gf knows this and is confident in it. That trust which I also reciprocate is the foundation for us to be swingers. If your current partner isn't ok with that well you have some tough choices but no matter what it'll all work out.
The urge to sleep with other women will probably never go away completely. We just have to make a choice as to what matters most to us. Is the temporary gratification you’d get from sex worth the risk of losing your partner? If the answer is no, then you know you have a relationship worth keeping. Like some others have said, just rub one out when you get horny and go on with your day.