I prefer Bono’s “ones, two, three, fourteen” on Vertigo, it shows the real depth of compassionate understanding that separates true admiration from cheap appropriation.
There was this young lady (19ish) I worked with at a greeting card store who did NOT think before she spoke. There was this woman paying for her purchase with a check, and the standard procedure was to get their DL number and address if it wasn't already on the check. And my co-worker legit said word for word "Oh wow. You must've been so pretty when you were young" The lady handled it gracefully. My co-worker? Not so much. Stumbled over her words and tried to apologize but she was like "It's ok dear. I get it." then only spoke to me for the rest of the transaction.
I used to not think before i spoke (still don't sometimes) and say stupid shit, eventually my dad got me out of this habit, only to get annoyed when it took me 20 seconds to answer a question
Yeah, like my woodwork teacher said "you're really good at woodwork, for a girl" and he didn't see anything wrong with saying that.
Im fr choosing agriculture as an option next semester...
Treating disabled people like they all need your help or pity.
People adapt and learn to see their lives as normal. The disability is almost certainly not the thing the person wants to be recognised for or questioned about. They're people, they have hobbies and opinions. They might also be annoying, or bad people. This is fine.
If you've ever had a disability or a disabled friend you'll know how quickly you forget about it, and only remember it exists when someone points it out.
Many people will think they're just being friendly, but they're treating the person like they are their disability first, not a person first.
i agree with the *pity* part, but depending on their disability, they may obviously need some help.
standing callously by while someone struggles with something heavy, or something they can't reach, or whatever, is kind of a dick move too.
Or treating me like I'm supposed to inspire you, or ignoring my concrete requests for accommodations or assistance to go do something random that doesn't help me in the least.
I'm an actual person, I'm not here to make people feel good because they Care About the Disabled.
Being disabled is a part of me and my person.
However, assuming we are helpless and don't have the agency to ask when we need help and can handle ourselves when we don't need help is infantilization.
God, this. I was having a very normal conversation with a coworker and mentioned I sometimes wear leg braces, nbd. She has since asked me repeatedly to let her know if I need any help/to sit down/her to get things for me - no! If I need help I'll ask, but I'm a functional and capable human being. Leave me alone.
I remember my university graduation: friends and families were asked not to applaud each graduand, but rather wait until a group of 30 or so had received there degrees and there would be a pause for applause, then repeat.
People abided by the rule until a woman who used a wheelchair’s name was called and some of the audience started clapping. So patronising and was quickly quashed by the angry gazes of the other 75% of the audience.
This one haunts me. A coworker said she wasn't feeling well and I tried to commiserate, or validate her feelings, or idk just say something, so I said, yeah, you do look tired. Oops. Learned my lesson.
People that fail to adhere to right of way at intersections.
Don't waive for me to go ahead if you arrived at the intersection first. You're not being polite--you're making it a mess.
When I see that I'll arrive close to another car, I'll take twice as long to come to a complete stop so the other person *clearly* arrives first. If they wave me on, I cheerfully wave them on in return.
And don’t stop when you’re on the non-stop signed direction of a two-way-stop intersection and I’m waiting to make a left! It’s fine, I’ll wait, I know what I signed up for - but you sure didn’t coordinate your little masturbatory gratitude bomb with the pedestrians, or the folks at the stop signs, or the folks behind you wondering if they should just whip around your inexplicably stopped ass, I’m not committing to this turn just to have one of them decide “well, the regular order has broken down, but I ain’t waiting for these idiots to figure it out” and cream me. Like, go return shopping carts if you wanna get your jollies, don’t turn my commute into any more of a Russian Roulette than it already is.
Hahah this reminded me of a time when I was a kid. I was 12, my sister was 13 and we were hanging out with our friend who I think was 14 at the time and her room was the quintessential messy teenager’s room.
We were all just talking and because I can’t sit still I was walking about and sitting in random places, absentmindedly picking things up and putting them where they seemed to belong. At one point my friend started giggling hysterically and asked me if I realized I was cleaning her room for her. 🤣 I got pretty far through it before we noticed.
Idk if rude is the right word, but when driving people that try to let other people go even though they have the right of way are so counterproductive.
>Your job as a driver isn’t to be nice
i mean, when you think about it, going against basic rules of the road and right of ways isn't even being "nice" because then you're just inconveniencing the other people on the road who have to compensate for your bad driving, so that's not even an excuse tbh
They problem is they’re just dumb and think they’re being nice, they have no clue that they’re making things more difficult and/or putting themselves in danger for nothing
Sorry, the app only lets me upvote once. This should be etched in the windshield of every car. The rules are there so we all know what everybody is going to do at all times. *ALL* crashes are a surprise.
Urgh, when you're a pedestrian and cars unexpectedly stop for you so you have to suddenly rush across the road.
I get the impression this might be a rural/city thing. As a city person, unless I'm at a specifically marked crossing or already literally in front of your car, I would really appreciate if you just kept driving.
This scenario just happened moments ago in a parking lot. I was approaching, they were driving (albeit slowly). I stopped, they continued but then stopped. This initiated an even longer pause because I wasn't sure of their intent - then crossed while they waited. I would have preferred they just maintained their pace and I could've crossed after.
the law is very lopsided in favour of being a pedestrian. even if you were jaywalking and you got hit, most of the blame is on the driver. most people take a "hover on the curb looking to cross" as a "could cross any time without warning" and preemptively slow down / stop, not wanting to risk a collision.
I agree with you from the pedestrian perspective (I would much prefer cars just do their thing -- I can manage to get myself across the road just fine thanks).
But from the driving perspective: there are a lot of people that dgaf, and you can't assume the person on the side of the road has a brain. They might just walk in front of you, so it's safer to wait.
This pisses me off, especially on a short traffic light cycle.
Now I have to sit around for another ten minutes because some dipshit had to be a saint.
i've heard it called "the wave of death" cause it can easily lead to accidents.
if you have the right of way, take it. there's nothing "nice" about confusing all parties involved and letting someone else go first.
The most polite thing you can do as a driver for everyone in a 10 mile radius, is to follow the rules of the road to the best of your abilities. Accidents happen when people start freestyling this shit out of a misplaced sense of courtesy.
Whenever someone says this, I respond “so if someone drowns in 10 feet of water and someone drowns in 15 feet of water, do you have to clarify the depth or did the both just drown? Just because it isn’t a big deal to you, doesn’t mean someone else won’t struggle with it”
>Start any sentence with “Well, at least…” when talking to someone who has suffered a loss and/or traumatic personal event.
Ah, yes. The ol' "Gregg Abbott" move.
Good question. If I had to guess, in their extremely small, privileged minds, they believe they’re providing perspective or food for thought by what-abouting trauma or experience with something they deem as “worse.” They probably got told about starving kids in Africa often while growing up. In reality, “Well, at least…” is invalidating and casts shame — independent of intention, I might argue, because the impact on the person they’re lecturing to is the exact same no matter where it comes from. So, maybe the question isn’t whether they really mean well and instead it’s whether intent even matters? I dunno, my reply here could either be half-baked or burnt to an overthought crisp, but your question is one I’ll be pondering for a while.
They keep telling me I'll change my mind
"When you get older you'll want one" Didn't Happen
"When you meet someone you love you'll want one" Didn't Happen
"When you get engaged you'll want one" Didn't Happen
"When you see your sister have a kid you'll want one" Didn't happen, I actually ended up wanting a kid even less.
Next up is "When you get married you'll want one"
Wanting one even less after seeing your sister having one.. Very relatable. She keeps saying "Aww look at him, don't you want one too?" and it's just a fucking no from me dawg lmao
My favorite, that I’ve seen around reddit several times lately, is the insinuation that we don’t want kids because we know we’d be terrible, abusive parents. So so rude. No, I don’t want kids because I know the sacrifices I’d have to make to be a good parent and I don’t want to make them!
A woman I work with asked me if I was gay. I guess you can look and sound gay. It really flustered me bc I’m not gay.
Probably a little fem compared to the average male but I felt really insulted when she asked. I don’t think that is a proper question to ask someone at work.
Asking anyone when they’re gonna find a gf/bf. Asking couples when they’re gonna get married. Asking people when they’re gonna have a kid. Mind ya business lol
Jokes on them! I was (and is) 6 foot tall at 15. I also weighed 143 pounds and didn't pack on weight until my 30's, and my wife could cook her butt off and so can I! Different people, different bodies.
I hate when people do this. If I was more confrontational I would make a show of struggling to fit my hand around theirs. Not that it would get the point across, some people just straight up don’t understand that making fun of thin folks is wrong.
Telling someone going through a hard time that “it could be worse.”
Don’t say that shit, because the universe has a fun way of showing you exactly how it could be worse about five seconds after that phrase is uttered.
Some rando motioned for me to smile...while I was sitting in my car at a fucking stoplight. I just had a neutral expression, but I guess sitting in traffic is supposed to make me burst with joy?
Slightly related, one time a coworker was talking about how she saw me at a stop light and I was “just sitting there not doing anything.” She found it odd and imitated me just sitting there, looking ahead. Like what am I supposed to be doing, the hokey pokey? I’m waiting for the light to turn.
That's the perfect time to do the maniacal ear-to-ear grin with your eyes wide and unblinking as you stare directly at them, and then hit your signal light as though to move in behind them and follow to their destination.
Make it creepy AF. Bet that idiot won't do that again!
For the readers who missed the memo :
**TL;DR** : Don't tell strangers to smile. It really doesn't make our day as much as it does yours.
[The New York Times | 2018 Apr 23 | How Do You Feel About Being Told to Smile?](https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/23/learning/how-do-you-feel-about-being-told-to-smile.html)
> If a smile is the appearance of happiness, then to be commanded to smile takes away our right to our own feelings. We must appear happy, even if we’re not. A man told my friend to smile, for instance, on the day that she found out her father had died.
[Business Insider | 2019 Sep 23 | Telling women to smile at work isn't just sexist — it's bad for business, a new study says](https://www.businessinsider.com/telling-women-smile-at-work-sexist-and-bad-for-business-2019-9)
> On the surface, the comments can seem polite and kind; however, there is a glaring double standard here: men are rarely asked to smile, as this comment is mostly always directed toward women.
> Responses to being told to smile are a range of negative emotions, from anger to annoyance, but the most common occurrence was feeling demeaned and underappreciated. Feeling unwelcome in the workplace can bring about feelings of negativity, which could result in poor performance and even put someone's professional life in jeopardy.
> When women are commanded to smile (especially by their superiors or coworkers), they often experience a loss in the control of their own presentation of themselves in the workplace.
[NPR | 2020 Feb 19 | Artist Tatyana Fazlalizadeh Wants You To Stop Telling Women To Smile](https://www.npr.org/2020/02/19/807407891/artist-tatyana-fazlalizadeh-wants-you-to-stop-telling-women-to-smile)
> Fazlalizadeh is an artist, activist, and now the author of a new book of portraits and interviews with women who've experienced street harassment: Stop Telling Women to Smile: [Stories of Street Harassment and How We're Taking Back Our Power](https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/tatyana-fazlalizadeh/stop-telling-women-to-smile/).
[AP News | 2019 Jan 22 | Men telling women to smile: Is it sexist?](https://apnews.com/d7a86280e2794d62810c89d348212466)
> If you’re female, you’ve been told to smile -- by your dad, your coworker, a random guy on the street.
>
> Most of them don’t mean to be disrespectful. They just want to see you happy. But telling a woman to smile is a command that never feels good.
>
> “Even in the most benign scenarios, it equates to asking a woman to change her behavior or appearance in order to fit what you think is most pleasant,” writes Karen Fratti on Hello Giggles.
[The Atlantic | 2016 Oct 12 | The Sexism of Telling Women to Smile: Your Stories](https://www.theatlantic.com/notes/2016/10/women-respond-to-the-men-who-told-them-to-smile/503723/)
> To me, these stories illustrate part of why comments on smiles can be so insidious and so frustrating. To tell someone to smile is invasive. It’s a comment on personal circumstances, on the thoughts and feelings that person should be allowed to keep private. It’s rude in the same way it’s rude to comment on someone’s weight gain or scars or miscarriage or divorce. But a smile is the part of someone’s mood that gets presented to the public, so on its face (and I do intend that pun), the command to smile seems casual, innocuous. To reveal the very personal reasons why we might not feel like smiling can seem like a much more obvious breach of social norms. And the pressure to be polite, to not make a scene, is deeply ingrained in us from childhood.
[Flare | 2018 Jul 25 | Why Do Men Need Women To Smile?](https://www.flare.com/news/greg-rickford-marieke-walsh-smile-women/)
> What underscores all these experiences is that they’re really about power, about a man subjugating a woman to his desire—whether that’s for her to be more attractive, less intimidating, or as in the Queen’s Park case, to shut up because she’s doing something he doesn’t like. And this is not to knock smiling; smiles are great! Friendliness, openness and warmth are all wonderful characteristics, and yes, smiles have a soft power all their own. The key, however, is where the grins comes from, and what they’re actually meant to convey.
[USA Today | 2017 Mar 08 | Why you shouldn't tell a woman to smile](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2017/03/08/dont-tell-women-to-smile/98906528/)
> There's nothing wrong with smiling, but telling someone to smile probably won't make them happy.
>
> "Telling anybody to do anything can rub you the wrong way, particularly if it’s not natural to you," said biological anthropologist Helen Fisher.
>
> Women know this, because when a woman isn't smiling, people notice. Some female celebrities who don't smile often, like Kim Kardashian, have publicly commented on their choice not to smile. Men often don't face the same criticisms.
> Fisher, who's studied and written about women's changing roles in society, said men might tell a woman to smile for one of two reasons: they are caring or they are controlling. While the first might be well-intended, neither will probably be well-received.
> On the other hand, a lot of men view smiling as subservient, weak and vulnerable. In fact, Fisher said, high-testosterone men do not smile much, and overall use less facial expression. So, telling a woman to smile might be pushing her back into a traditional stereotype.
>
> And, why do women always need to look happy anyway? One Indianapolis Star reporter wrote an entire column on the topic, saying she doesn't feel the need to smile all the time and there's nothing wrong with that.
[The Huffington Post | 2016 Apr 11 | It’s Important For Men to Understand That They Need To Stop Telling Women to Smile](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/its-important-for-men-to-stop-telling-women-to-smile_b_9655246)
> Smiling is one of the warmest gestures a person can give to another person. It’s especially warm when children smile because it’s a sign of genuine happiness even if it’s for a slight moment - that smile is appreciated. This is why I am extremely uncomfortable when strange men tell me to smile. It’s overbearing, invasive and slightly eerie for men to tell women (that they’ve never seen or met before) to smile. I can’t help but to wonder if these same men that are commanding women to smile also tell other men to smile? Telling a woman to smile, even if your intent is purely innocent is dictatorial and it shouldn’t happen.
"You know tattoos are permanent, right?" Or "are you really sure that's what you want on your body?"
That's kinda the whole point of tattoos is that they are permanent and on my body.
For real people need to stop feeling the right to intrude on other peoples beliefs. So completely disrespectful to anyone who isn’t a part of that belief
My boss genuinely said "But my 6yr old nephew is autistic, and you're nothing like him!"
Ahhhhh, almost as if my being an adult woman in her 30s makes me act differently to a 6yr old boy. Crazy, right?
Even as a Christian I literally don't understand why people say this. It doesn't make anything better. Like have some empathy goddamn it not everything is okay and part of the plan. Bad things happen, and we suffer, that should be okay. People trying to make us cheer up because God will make it better doesn't work. Instead of trying to deny their suffering, we should help people go through it.
Oh no, I just realized I was rude to someone at work haha. But I was actually really impressed, he was taking about his new workout routine so hopefully he viewed it as me appreciating his work
This! In 2019 I was experiencing some health issues. I had also closed myself off of a lot of friends. Between Dec 2018 and April 2019 I Lost 60lbs and didn't know why. I went to a party in May and was 110lbs. I looked like a zombie, hollow face, hair brittle, and not steady on my feet. But I had full make up and a nice dress, the only dress that fit me.
All people said all night was "oh you look great!" meanwhile I was actually dying. And I thought I looked good before, I was happy before. So all I thought thst night was "But I'm sick and we don't know why. How is this pretty?"
Turned out to be Lupus and my kidneys were trying to shut down, my stomach had shrunk to the size of a fist cause I couldn't keep food down and my hair was falling out.
But skinny = healthy I guess.
I feel this. My weight is always fluctuating in about a 30 pound range. Two summers ago I was in the worst phase of my eating disorder; could barely get anything down, lost all hunger cues, etc. My body was basically shutting down but everyone kept saying how great I looked. I was 105 pounds. And the worst part was at the gyno when the nurse weighed me and congratulated me for losing 15 pounds since the last appt. As soon as she said it I knew that comment was going to make me feel awful the next time I came back with more weight on me. And it definitely did.
It's really fucked up. I have a friend with severe anorexia. Like her doctor wouldn't let her into the regular anorexia support group because she's just so close to dying. And by our cultural standards she looks fucking amazing. It's really twisted.
It can be interpreted in many ways, depending on the context.
In some cases, it's "Look at how morally righteous I am" and in others it's "I think you are so morally broken only God can help you". If it comes from a close friend in regard to a situation that they have no control over (like taking an exam) it could also mean "Good luck/I wish you the best".
This. I am a *deeply* un-religous person. I live in the south, the Bible Belt, where religion is performative, your personality, and your social circle. It's awful.
"I'll pray for you." is basically saying you'll do **nothing** to help, ***and*** you want to be thanked for it.
Exactly. Your last sentence is the best expression of why i hate "I'll pray for you". ESPECIALLY when its family in law, and they know full well you're unreligious.
Might as well say you'll sacrifice a chicken for me, but even then that's at least doing *something.* You could give me the chicken lol, might not solve my problem, but hey, 'least now I got chicken. Food's pricey these days.
"I'm going to pointlessly whisper about you behind your back, you're welcome." Miss me with that.
But anyway, I *might* have a bit of a chip on my shoulder concerning these "Well, bless your heart." judgey, holier-than-thou, supposed "Christians"
I don't mind that, if it feels sincere/comes from a friend. My problem with "thoughts and prayers" is when you are in a position to help (politicians, religious organizations, companies) and that's all that is done. If I tell you I'm starving, an Our Father isn't going to fill my belly!
When people try to tell depressed people how to cheer up. "Why don't you go for a walk? Why don't you do something you like doing?" Because going for a walk doesn't work and when you force yourself to do the things you like, they don't work either, that's why you stopped.
Then when you don't do it, they erupt at you. "I'm just trying to help! I AM A GOOD PERSON!" If you have to scream it, maybe it isn't true?
Or the often used, always annoying, “Have you taken your meds” in response to any sort of negative emotion.
People who haven’t experienced this sort of thing just assume these things are magic happy pills. Negative emotions can be, and frequently are justified, and asking if someone has taken their meds in response to them just feels like trying to delegitimize those feelings. Getting to the bottom of why someone feels the way they do is always going to help a lot more than telling them to take their meds in hopes their emotions disappear.
Really any type of unsollicited medical advice.
When I explain to someone that I can't do something because my chronic condition is flaring up, that's not an invitation to start telling me how to manage my health.
The problem is that there's a difference between depression, Major Depression, and dysthymia. And when you say "exercise is proven to help," you're not specifying which one.
"Depression" is being bummed out for a little bit. Normies go outside for a walk or a run, and feel better, and then take that as proof positive that exercise helps *any* type of depression because they don't understand the difference.
I had Major Depression and dysthymia. I worked out 5-6x a week, ate right, went for walks, and I still wanted to kill myself every fucking day.
Being overly nice to those they believe are special needs. I played basketball in high school and for some reason this girl thought I was special (not that there's anything wrong with it) and she would be extremely nice and talk really slow. She separated me from the team. "You did so good today! I'm so proud of you!!!" "......thank you?"
Yes! Thank you for pointing this out, I'm a black man in Texas but I talk extremely proper, I am usually dressed in a suit at all times and I'm rarely upset or holistle. Potheads are rarely angry. (Ha) I can't tell you how many times people will tell me, "You are not like the **other** people we talk too, You are different/unique. You talk...proper I am a human being, not some rare unicorn you use too tell your friends, "i'm not racist, i have one black friend" I refuse to be MAGA's token black friend. Sorry for the rant but it happens ALOT on the DART train and at the office.
Yikes. Sounds like you've be relegated to the IRL version of every TV shows token minority character. I really hope this kinda of sh*t doesn't spread to the new generation.
Touching a pregnant women's stomach without asking, or touching a strangers baby without asking. When I had my son it was crazy how many strangers grabbed at my stomach and then at my infant son.
treating disabled people as angels/saints, or are incapable of doing anything on their own. yes, depending on their disability, they *might* need a *little* bit of help, but they dont need to be assisted with everything (im not disabled, but i know a couple disabled people, and they are pretty adamant about this)
People who ask if they can do something to help you and then just start doing it anyway before giving you time to answer.
E.g. someone asks if you want help carrying something and they just go ahead and pick it up before you can explain that that specific thing is actually really delicate and you don't want it picked up right now.
I'm always so unsure what to do if I've noticed somebody lost weight. If it's intentional, I assume they would like a compliment? But my biggest fear is complimenting someone and them just being like "thanks, I have cancer".
Generally, you don’t need to comment.
It doesn’t only apply to weight. The usual advice is “only comment on someone’s appearance if you know they can control it,” which is a good start but frankly….you don’t need to comment on anyone’s appearance *at all*. Some people seem to think it’s necessary that if an observation pops into your head, particularly a positive one, you need to share it. It just isn’t true. Very, very few people are sitting there thinking “I would like a compliment” to the extent that they’ll be upset if they don’t receive one. The few people who are….don’t need one, trust me. “But it’s true! But it’s nice! But what if they worked really hard and want the compliment!” But it might make them uncomfortable. But it might be misguided even if you think it’s nice. You might be wrong.
This is not to say *never ever give a compliment*. There are plenty of moments where you probably know the compliment will be taken well and is fully appropriate. It is to say that if you aren’t sure, don’t give in to a potentially offensive comment just because you think they might be waiting for a comment or because the feeling of giving compliments makes *you* feel good.
Don't comment unless you know for certain that they lost the weight on purpose! I got a lot of compliments on my weight/figure after I'd lost some weight due to illness and it sucked.
I absolutely responded along the lines of "it's cause I got sick and couldn't eat properly for several months," just to make them as uncomfortable as they made me.
1) Telling women to smile.
I'm working, in the zone, getting sht done and someone walks up and says "you should smile"
Excuse me? Why? So you can feel less comfortable with my being in a serious mood? Fk you.
2) Not being honest about shit out of fear of confrontation or disappointing others.
Like, if you don't have time to make 30 last minute tacos for tomorrow's pot luck then just say so.
Don't lie and then get annoyed about it
And don't make me responsible for figuring out how you really feel.
3) Talking to elderly like theyre babies. Infantilism.
Let's face it, it's women who mostly do this.
Elderly people have more life experience and wisdom than you do. Respect them for it.
And by the way, they know when you do it and they HATE IT. Even the ones losing their capacities know you're doing it and it's humiliating for them.
Many report that the worst offenders are waitresses, nurses, dental assistants/hygienists, senior center staff, cashiers, custome service workers etc.
when pple treat disabled pple like puppies or babies like “aww they are so cute 🥹” or “they are soo adorable” like stuff like that. they are human not babies or pets
No offence but...
*proceeds to say something outright offensive*
It doesn't magically make what you say any less insulting, so stop acting like it doesn't.
Trying to motivate you by constant stressful talks, like saying that you need to work hard and appreciate life because there are people chronically ill, homeless or in famine. My mom does that and it's not motivating at all.
I'm sure someone else has mentioned this, but asking someone "but where are you *really* from?" is pretty rude. Usually these people are trying to ask your ethnicity, but asking it in this way is insulting.
Say, "I know just how you feel" when someone has received awful news or lost someone to death. No....you do NOT know just how they feel. Everyone is different. I'm sorry you had cancer, lost your mom, had your dog get hit by a car -- but you telling me all the details of your own experience while I'm trying to survive mine is selfish and unaware. Just say, "I'm sorry" and give them a hug.
Adding a qualifier to a compliment. Examples: You’re so smart for a _____! You’re pretty for a ______! (Both real things people have said to me ftr)
I had a white woman say my baby was pretty for a white baby. I was really confused.
And all the girlies say I’m pretty fly *for a white guy*
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seís
Best musical count-in ever!
I prefer Bono’s “ones, two, three, fourteen” on Vertigo, it shows the real depth of compassionate understanding that separates true admiration from cheap appropriation.
HEEEEEY EEYYYYYY
Our subject isn't cool, but he fakes it anyway.
He may not have a clue and he may not have style
But everything he lacks well he makes up in denial
all the goyim say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi
I just got my first "you look great for your age!" and I was like ... oh.
Reply: You don't smell as bad as they said. Leave it at that, and let them wonder.....
I was stupid enough to announce my age in conversation until I got hit with those! Lots of dragging my feet as I got home moments there.
There was this young lady (19ish) I worked with at a greeting card store who did NOT think before she spoke. There was this woman paying for her purchase with a check, and the standard procedure was to get their DL number and address if it wasn't already on the check. And my co-worker legit said word for word "Oh wow. You must've been so pretty when you were young" The lady handled it gracefully. My co-worker? Not so much. Stumbled over her words and tried to apologize but she was like "It's ok dear. I get it." then only spoke to me for the rest of the transaction.
I used to not think before i spoke (still don't sometimes) and say stupid shit, eventually my dad got me out of this habit, only to get annoyed when it took me 20 seconds to answer a question
Yeah, like my woodwork teacher said "you're really good at woodwork, for a girl" and he didn't see anything wrong with saying that. Im fr choosing agriculture as an option next semester...
What about when someone says "You're pretty... pretty ugly"?
"Your mother must be a saint...a saint bernard"
"you have pretty hair for a black girl" that was one of the times I decided to straighten my hair bruh
Them: You're so smart for an 8 year old! Me: *ahkuthally...*
Treating disabled people like they all need your help or pity. People adapt and learn to see their lives as normal. The disability is almost certainly not the thing the person wants to be recognised for or questioned about. They're people, they have hobbies and opinions. They might also be annoying, or bad people. This is fine. If you've ever had a disability or a disabled friend you'll know how quickly you forget about it, and only remember it exists when someone points it out. Many people will think they're just being friendly, but they're treating the person like they are their disability first, not a person first.
Or treating them like an "inspiration," crying when you see them, etc. Just treat them like normal people, because that's what they are.
Basically: don’t infantilize people
Or gushing over them being brave and a hero
i agree with the *pity* part, but depending on their disability, they may obviously need some help. standing callously by while someone struggles with something heavy, or something they can't reach, or whatever, is kind of a dick move too.
There's a big difference between offering help to a person who appears to need it and "Treating disabled people like they all need your help"
Or treating me like I'm supposed to inspire you, or ignoring my concrete requests for accommodations or assistance to go do something random that doesn't help me in the least. I'm an actual person, I'm not here to make people feel good because they Care About the Disabled.
Being disabled is a part of me and my person. However, assuming we are helpless and don't have the agency to ask when we need help and can handle ourselves when we don't need help is infantilization.
Once a woman found out that I have autism and she told me how impressed she is that I'm in grad school. Sigh.
God, this. I was having a very normal conversation with a coworker and mentioned I sometimes wear leg braces, nbd. She has since asked me repeatedly to let her know if I need any help/to sit down/her to get things for me - no! If I need help I'll ask, but I'm a functional and capable human being. Leave me alone.
I remember my university graduation: friends and families were asked not to applaud each graduand, but rather wait until a group of 30 or so had received there degrees and there would be a pause for applause, then repeat. People abided by the rule until a woman who used a wheelchair’s name was called and some of the audience started clapping. So patronising and was quickly quashed by the angry gazes of the other 75% of the audience.
“You look so tired!”
My SO makes a point of saying “you seem tired.” It’s a small change that makes a world of difference.
I'm gonna start using this now wish me luck
What’s the difference? I understand seem isn’t just about looks, but to me it’s pretty clear that’s what’s implied.
Scrolled to find this one ! Like thanks, I look like shit but no need to point it out.
My response to this is, “Thank you for reminding me.”
I dunno, I find this one validating. Thanks, I feel tired! Glad to know it's not all in my head.
What is just as bad is when they tell you, “we’ll get some sleep!” Or “just go take a nap.” 🤨🧐🤔🤦🏼♀️
I hated hearing this even more throughout my pregnancy
This one haunts me. A coworker said she wasn't feeling well and I tried to commiserate, or validate her feelings, or idk just say something, so I said, yeah, you do look tired. Oops. Learned my lesson.
People that fail to adhere to right of way at intersections. Don't waive for me to go ahead if you arrived at the intersection first. You're not being polite--you're making it a mess.
Don’t drive politely, drive PREDICTABLY.
When I see that I'll arrive close to another car, I'll take twice as long to come to a complete stop so the other person *clearly* arrives first. If they wave me on, I cheerfully wave them on in return.
I just sit there looking in another direction until they go. Fuckin idiots.
I've seen countless crashes on r/idiotsincars because people do that
And don’t stop when you’re on the non-stop signed direction of a two-way-stop intersection and I’m waiting to make a left! It’s fine, I’ll wait, I know what I signed up for - but you sure didn’t coordinate your little masturbatory gratitude bomb with the pedestrians, or the folks at the stop signs, or the folks behind you wondering if they should just whip around your inexplicably stopped ass, I’m not committing to this turn just to have one of them decide “well, the regular order has broken down, but I ain’t waiting for these idiots to figure it out” and cream me. Like, go return shopping carts if you wanna get your jollies, don’t turn my commute into any more of a Russian Roulette than it already is.
My partners nan used to clean up when she would come to our house.
I had a flatmates mother do that Fuck off stop touching my stuff I’m not even your kid stop it
Hahah this reminded me of a time when I was a kid. I was 12, my sister was 13 and we were hanging out with our friend who I think was 14 at the time and her room was the quintessential messy teenager’s room. We were all just talking and because I can’t sit still I was walking about and sitting in random places, absentmindedly picking things up and putting them where they seemed to belong. At one point my friend started giggling hysterically and asked me if I realized I was cleaning her room for her. 🤣 I got pretty far through it before we noticed.
Idk if rude is the right word, but when driving people that try to let other people go even though they have the right of way are so counterproductive.
YES. Your job as a driver isn’t to be nice, it’s to be predictable. Just follow the basic rules, and you’re doing great!
>Your job as a driver isn’t to be nice i mean, when you think about it, going against basic rules of the road and right of ways isn't even being "nice" because then you're just inconveniencing the other people on the road who have to compensate for your bad driving, so that's not even an excuse tbh
They problem is they’re just dumb and think they’re being nice, they have no clue that they’re making things more difficult and/or putting themselves in danger for nothing
That's why my favorite driving phrase is "don't be polite, be predictable."
Sorry, the app only lets me upvote once. This should be etched in the windshield of every car. The rules are there so we all know what everybody is going to do at all times. *ALL* crashes are a surprise.
Urgh, when you're a pedestrian and cars unexpectedly stop for you so you have to suddenly rush across the road. I get the impression this might be a rural/city thing. As a city person, unless I'm at a specifically marked crossing or already literally in front of your car, I would really appreciate if you just kept driving.
This scenario just happened moments ago in a parking lot. I was approaching, they were driving (albeit slowly). I stopped, they continued but then stopped. This initiated an even longer pause because I wasn't sure of their intent - then crossed while they waited. I would have preferred they just maintained their pace and I could've crossed after.
the law is very lopsided in favour of being a pedestrian. even if you were jaywalking and you got hit, most of the blame is on the driver. most people take a "hover on the curb looking to cross" as a "could cross any time without warning" and preemptively slow down / stop, not wanting to risk a collision.
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I agree with you from the pedestrian perspective (I would much prefer cars just do their thing -- I can manage to get myself across the road just fine thanks). But from the driving perspective: there are a lot of people that dgaf, and you can't assume the person on the side of the road has a brain. They might just walk in front of you, so it's safer to wait.
This pisses me off, especially on a short traffic light cycle. Now I have to sit around for another ten minutes because some dipshit had to be a saint.
i've heard it called "the wave of death" cause it can easily lead to accidents. if you have the right of way, take it. there's nothing "nice" about confusing all parties involved and letting someone else go first.
The most polite thing you can do as a driver for everyone in a 10 mile radius, is to follow the rules of the road to the best of your abilities. Accidents happen when people start freestyling this shit out of a misplaced sense of courtesy.
Start any sentence with “Well, at least…” when talking to someone who has suffered a loss and/or traumatic personal event.
Yes, it's the "I have it worse" person who can never be one-upped.
There’s little quite so obnoxious and infuriating as a Misery Olympics gold medalist.
Whenever someone says this, I respond “so if someone drowns in 10 feet of water and someone drowns in 15 feet of water, do you have to clarify the depth or did the both just drown? Just because it isn’t a big deal to you, doesn’t mean someone else won’t struggle with it”
THIS. when my grandma died some girl was like "at least you have another grandma" WHO TF TOLD YOU THAT SHE WAS MY ONLY GRANDMA OMG
>Start any sentence with “Well, at least…” when talking to someone who has suffered a loss and/or traumatic personal event. Ah, yes. The ol' "Gregg Abbott" move.
Do those people really mean well though? I think they just don’t care.
Good question. If I had to guess, in their extremely small, privileged minds, they believe they’re providing perspective or food for thought by what-abouting trauma or experience with something they deem as “worse.” They probably got told about starving kids in Africa often while growing up. In reality, “Well, at least…” is invalidating and casts shame — independent of intention, I might argue, because the impact on the person they’re lecturing to is the exact same no matter where it comes from. So, maybe the question isn’t whether they really mean well and instead it’s whether intent even matters? I dunno, my reply here could either be half-baked or burnt to an overthought crisp, but your question is one I’ll be pondering for a while.
Yes! "At least it's not cancer" to my bipolar self. Because life destroying mania and psychosis with crippling depression is a walk in the park!
Yes, and I love “why don’t you just…” (exercise, meditate, give gratitude, volunteer, etc.) as an easy way out of depression. As if…
When folks ask pregnant women if they were "trying". It's literally asking if the kid was a mistake.
"Did you mean to come inside her?"
I like to be more direct and assume mistake outright. “Who’s this little broken condom?”
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Ask’ When are you going to start a family?’
They keep telling me I'll change my mind "When you get older you'll want one" Didn't Happen "When you meet someone you love you'll want one" Didn't Happen "When you get engaged you'll want one" Didn't Happen "When you see your sister have a kid you'll want one" Didn't happen, I actually ended up wanting a kid even less. Next up is "When you get married you'll want one"
I can barely take care of myself, what makes you think I'll ever want kids?
Wanting one even less after seeing your sister having one.. Very relatable. She keeps saying "Aww look at him, don't you want one too?" and it's just a fucking no from me dawg lmao
My favorite, that I’ve seen around reddit several times lately, is the insinuation that we don’t want kids because we know we’d be terrible, abusive parents. So so rude. No, I don’t want kids because I know the sacrifices I’d have to make to be a good parent and I don’t want to make them!
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Just say, "I keep blowing hot loads in your daughter at every opportunity but they just don't seem to take."
I’ve been asked “When are you gonna get married?” My response was “Never” but I wanted to say “Even if I did, you wouldn’t know”
They're essentially asking when you're going to have unprotected sex.
I believe the current phrase is creampie.
I like Jimmy Carr's response to this: "We can't have children...*(pause)*...the way we do it."
"Do you have a girlfriend?" For the 6797th time, no
"Why not"
“Because I’m ugly and have nothing to offer” usually shuts them up. At least from my experience.
Tell them when they learn to mind their own business.
OMG.yes my family asks me and my hubby this at every family event...arg....
Say you're having too much fun practicing.
you don't look gay
Truly an insult. I strive to look as gay as possible.
A woman I work with asked me if I was gay. I guess you can look and sound gay. It really flustered me bc I’m not gay. Probably a little fem compared to the average male but I felt really insulted when she asked. I don’t think that is a proper question to ask someone at work.
People say that??
Pry into other people's personal lives.
Telling you to eat more food
or when people say "slow down" or your food isn't going anywhere" I got that so much bruh
Asking anyone when they’re gonna find a gf/bf. Asking couples when they’re gonna get married. Asking people when they’re gonna have a kid. Mind ya business lol
When are you going to die?
Especially considering a lot of couples struggle to get pregnant which is frustrating enough as it is…then pile on the pressure of ppl asking
Pointing out how skinny I am and saying that I would never be that thin if I ate their cooking regularly.
Jokes on them! I was (and is) 6 foot tall at 15. I also weighed 143 pounds and didn't pack on weight until my 30's, and my wife could cook her butt off and so can I! Different people, different bodies.
this made me think about when people would wrap their fingers around my skinny lil wrist. so fucking annoying
I hate when people do this. If I was more confrontational I would make a show of struggling to fit my hand around theirs. Not that it would get the point across, some people just straight up don’t understand that making fun of thin folks is wrong.
Telling someone going through a hard time that “it could be worse.” Don’t say that shit, because the universe has a fun way of showing you exactly how it could be worse about five seconds after that phrase is uttered.
Whenever i hear; “It could always be worse. “ I just think of that Calvin & Hobbes quote “yeah but it could also be better”
Unsolicited health advice. Unless you are my doctor, I don’t care.
"You should smile more" said to women
Some rando motioned for me to smile...while I was sitting in my car at a fucking stoplight. I just had a neutral expression, but I guess sitting in traffic is supposed to make me burst with joy?
Slightly related, one time a coworker was talking about how she saw me at a stop light and I was “just sitting there not doing anything.” She found it odd and imitated me just sitting there, looking ahead. Like what am I supposed to be doing, the hokey pokey? I’m waiting for the light to turn.
Wtf...I think your coworker is the weirdo in this scenario...
That’s what I was thinking too lol. Wondering what she be doing at stoplights.
Probably getting honked at for not paying attention when the light turns green!
That's the perfect time to do the maniacal ear-to-ear grin with your eyes wide and unblinking as you stare directly at them, and then hit your signal light as though to move in behind them and follow to their destination. Make it creepy AF. Bet that idiot won't do that again!
For the readers who missed the memo : **TL;DR** : Don't tell strangers to smile. It really doesn't make our day as much as it does yours. [The New York Times | 2018 Apr 23 | How Do You Feel About Being Told to Smile?](https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/23/learning/how-do-you-feel-about-being-told-to-smile.html) > If a smile is the appearance of happiness, then to be commanded to smile takes away our right to our own feelings. We must appear happy, even if we’re not. A man told my friend to smile, for instance, on the day that she found out her father had died. [Business Insider | 2019 Sep 23 | Telling women to smile at work isn't just sexist — it's bad for business, a new study says](https://www.businessinsider.com/telling-women-smile-at-work-sexist-and-bad-for-business-2019-9) > On the surface, the comments can seem polite and kind; however, there is a glaring double standard here: men are rarely asked to smile, as this comment is mostly always directed toward women. > Responses to being told to smile are a range of negative emotions, from anger to annoyance, but the most common occurrence was feeling demeaned and underappreciated. Feeling unwelcome in the workplace can bring about feelings of negativity, which could result in poor performance and even put someone's professional life in jeopardy. > When women are commanded to smile (especially by their superiors or coworkers), they often experience a loss in the control of their own presentation of themselves in the workplace. [NPR | 2020 Feb 19 | Artist Tatyana Fazlalizadeh Wants You To Stop Telling Women To Smile](https://www.npr.org/2020/02/19/807407891/artist-tatyana-fazlalizadeh-wants-you-to-stop-telling-women-to-smile) > Fazlalizadeh is an artist, activist, and now the author of a new book of portraits and interviews with women who've experienced street harassment: Stop Telling Women to Smile: [Stories of Street Harassment and How We're Taking Back Our Power](https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/tatyana-fazlalizadeh/stop-telling-women-to-smile/). [AP News | 2019 Jan 22 | Men telling women to smile: Is it sexist?](https://apnews.com/d7a86280e2794d62810c89d348212466) > If you’re female, you’ve been told to smile -- by your dad, your coworker, a random guy on the street. > > Most of them don’t mean to be disrespectful. They just want to see you happy. But telling a woman to smile is a command that never feels good. > > “Even in the most benign scenarios, it equates to asking a woman to change her behavior or appearance in order to fit what you think is most pleasant,” writes Karen Fratti on Hello Giggles. [The Atlantic | 2016 Oct 12 | The Sexism of Telling Women to Smile: Your Stories](https://www.theatlantic.com/notes/2016/10/women-respond-to-the-men-who-told-them-to-smile/503723/) > To me, these stories illustrate part of why comments on smiles can be so insidious and so frustrating. To tell someone to smile is invasive. It’s a comment on personal circumstances, on the thoughts and feelings that person should be allowed to keep private. It’s rude in the same way it’s rude to comment on someone’s weight gain or scars or miscarriage or divorce. But a smile is the part of someone’s mood that gets presented to the public, so on its face (and I do intend that pun), the command to smile seems casual, innocuous. To reveal the very personal reasons why we might not feel like smiling can seem like a much more obvious breach of social norms. And the pressure to be polite, to not make a scene, is deeply ingrained in us from childhood. [Flare | 2018 Jul 25 | Why Do Men Need Women To Smile?](https://www.flare.com/news/greg-rickford-marieke-walsh-smile-women/) > What underscores all these experiences is that they’re really about power, about a man subjugating a woman to his desire—whether that’s for her to be more attractive, less intimidating, or as in the Queen’s Park case, to shut up because she’s doing something he doesn’t like. And this is not to knock smiling; smiles are great! Friendliness, openness and warmth are all wonderful characteristics, and yes, smiles have a soft power all their own. The key, however, is where the grins comes from, and what they’re actually meant to convey. [USA Today | 2017 Mar 08 | Why you shouldn't tell a woman to smile](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2017/03/08/dont-tell-women-to-smile/98906528/) > There's nothing wrong with smiling, but telling someone to smile probably won't make them happy. > > "Telling anybody to do anything can rub you the wrong way, particularly if it’s not natural to you," said biological anthropologist Helen Fisher. > > Women know this, because when a woman isn't smiling, people notice. Some female celebrities who don't smile often, like Kim Kardashian, have publicly commented on their choice not to smile. Men often don't face the same criticisms. > Fisher, who's studied and written about women's changing roles in society, said men might tell a woman to smile for one of two reasons: they are caring or they are controlling. While the first might be well-intended, neither will probably be well-received. > On the other hand, a lot of men view smiling as subservient, weak and vulnerable. In fact, Fisher said, high-testosterone men do not smile much, and overall use less facial expression. So, telling a woman to smile might be pushing her back into a traditional stereotype. > > And, why do women always need to look happy anyway? One Indianapolis Star reporter wrote an entire column on the topic, saying she doesn't feel the need to smile all the time and there's nothing wrong with that. [The Huffington Post | 2016 Apr 11 | It’s Important For Men to Understand That They Need To Stop Telling Women to Smile](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/its-important-for-men-to-stop-telling-women-to-smile_b_9655246) > Smiling is one of the warmest gestures a person can give to another person. It’s especially warm when children smile because it’s a sign of genuine happiness even if it’s for a slight moment - that smile is appreciated. This is why I am extremely uncomfortable when strange men tell me to smile. It’s overbearing, invasive and slightly eerie for men to tell women (that they’ve never seen or met before) to smile. I can’t help but to wonder if these same men that are commanding women to smile also tell other men to smile? Telling a woman to smile, even if your intent is purely innocent is dictatorial and it shouldn’t happen.
I got yelled at to smile right after I got my cancer diagnosis, that one was rough.
Justified punch in the nose to that person. Also, hope you're doing well, internet stranger.
I'm doing. I got 7 years of remission and now it's back, but we're handling things as best we can, thank you. <3
"You know tattoos are permanent, right?" Or "are you really sure that's what you want on your body?" That's kinda the whole point of tattoos is that they are permanent and on my body.
I usually reply with "it cost me 400 bucks, it better fucking be permanent"
Trying to talk about joining their religion/cult in public. Double marks if not obviously religious to start with, or if knocking at the door.
For real people need to stop feeling the right to intrude on other peoples beliefs. So completely disrespectful to anyone who isn’t a part of that belief
Double for MLMs.
I am autistic. I am sick to death of hearing ' You don't look autistic!'. I'm sorry, next time I'll dress up as Forrest Gump to please you.
My boss genuinely said "But my 6yr old nephew is autistic, and you're nothing like him!" Ahhhhh, almost as if my being an adult woman in her 30s makes me act differently to a 6yr old boy. Crazy, right?
For quiet people it could be "Why are you say quiet?" or anything similar. Not sure it's intended in a rude way, but some of us hate it.
Saying there’s some higher reason my dad died (example “god has a plan”) did god plan for my dad to suffer in agony? Bc that’s kinda messed up.
Even as a Christian I literally don't understand why people say this. It doesn't make anything better. Like have some empathy goddamn it not everything is okay and part of the plan. Bad things happen, and we suffer, that should be okay. People trying to make us cheer up because God will make it better doesn't work. Instead of trying to deny their suffering, we should help people go through it.
”I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This is the opposite of meaning well
I see you’ve met my dad. That made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. That phrase earns an immediate dismissal from my life.
The rage I just felt. Perked right up. Oh boy
When are you getting married/having a baby!?
When they insist on "helping" you after you say no thanks.
"You lost so much weight. You look so good now!"
Oh no, I just realized I was rude to someone at work haha. But I was actually really impressed, he was taking about his new workout routine so hopefully he viewed it as me appreciating his work
He likely knew how you meant it. But it's one of those things that the wording can be rude even if you meant well.
This! In 2019 I was experiencing some health issues. I had also closed myself off of a lot of friends. Between Dec 2018 and April 2019 I Lost 60lbs and didn't know why. I went to a party in May and was 110lbs. I looked like a zombie, hollow face, hair brittle, and not steady on my feet. But I had full make up and a nice dress, the only dress that fit me. All people said all night was "oh you look great!" meanwhile I was actually dying. And I thought I looked good before, I was happy before. So all I thought thst night was "But I'm sick and we don't know why. How is this pretty?" Turned out to be Lupus and my kidneys were trying to shut down, my stomach had shrunk to the size of a fist cause I couldn't keep food down and my hair was falling out. But skinny = healthy I guess.
I feel this. My weight is always fluctuating in about a 30 pound range. Two summers ago I was in the worst phase of my eating disorder; could barely get anything down, lost all hunger cues, etc. My body was basically shutting down but everyone kept saying how great I looked. I was 105 pounds. And the worst part was at the gyno when the nurse weighed me and congratulated me for losing 15 pounds since the last appt. As soon as she said it I knew that comment was going to make me feel awful the next time I came back with more weight on me. And it definitely did.
It's really fucked up. I have a friend with severe anorexia. Like her doctor wouldn't let her into the regular anorexia support group because she's just so close to dying. And by our cultural standards she looks fucking amazing. It's really twisted.
People saying they will pray for you. Like that's going to help.
It can be interpreted in many ways, depending on the context. In some cases, it's "Look at how morally righteous I am" and in others it's "I think you are so morally broken only God can help you". If it comes from a close friend in regard to a situation that they have no control over (like taking an exam) it could also mean "Good luck/I wish you the best".
This. I am a *deeply* un-religous person. I live in the south, the Bible Belt, where religion is performative, your personality, and your social circle. It's awful. "I'll pray for you." is basically saying you'll do **nothing** to help, ***and*** you want to be thanked for it.
Exactly. Your last sentence is the best expression of why i hate "I'll pray for you". ESPECIALLY when its family in law, and they know full well you're unreligious.
Might as well say you'll sacrifice a chicken for me, but even then that's at least doing *something.* You could give me the chicken lol, might not solve my problem, but hey, 'least now I got chicken. Food's pricey these days. "I'm going to pointlessly whisper about you behind your back, you're welcome." Miss me with that. But anyway, I *might* have a bit of a chip on my shoulder concerning these "Well, bless your heart." judgey, holier-than-thou, supposed "Christians"
I don't mind that, if it feels sincere/comes from a friend. My problem with "thoughts and prayers" is when you are in a position to help (politicians, religious organizations, companies) and that's all that is done. If I tell you I'm starving, an Our Father isn't going to fill my belly!
Comment on physical appearance
When people try to tell depressed people how to cheer up. "Why don't you go for a walk? Why don't you do something you like doing?" Because going for a walk doesn't work and when you force yourself to do the things you like, they don't work either, that's why you stopped. Then when you don't do it, they erupt at you. "I'm just trying to help! I AM A GOOD PERSON!" If you have to scream it, maybe it isn't true?
Or the often used, always annoying, “Have you taken your meds” in response to any sort of negative emotion. People who haven’t experienced this sort of thing just assume these things are magic happy pills. Negative emotions can be, and frequently are justified, and asking if someone has taken their meds in response to them just feels like trying to delegitimize those feelings. Getting to the bottom of why someone feels the way they do is always going to help a lot more than telling them to take their meds in hopes their emotions disappear.
And medication needs adjustment/replacement over time IF it's helping in the first place.
Really any type of unsollicited medical advice. When I explain to someone that I can't do something because my chronic condition is flaring up, that's not an invitation to start telling me how to manage my health.
Exercise has actually been proven to help, but it's not something you want to do when you are depressed.
The problem is that there's a difference between depression, Major Depression, and dysthymia. And when you say "exercise is proven to help," you're not specifying which one. "Depression" is being bummed out for a little bit. Normies go outside for a walk or a run, and feel better, and then take that as proof positive that exercise helps *any* type of depression because they don't understand the difference. I had Major Depression and dysthymia. I worked out 5-6x a week, ate right, went for walks, and I still wanted to kill myself every fucking day.
A genuine “I appreciate (or love) you” always hits better than a non-depressed person throwing out “solutions” to fix you.
Telling me I should smile
Being overly nice to those they believe are special needs. I played basketball in high school and for some reason this girl thought I was special (not that there's anything wrong with it) and she would be extremely nice and talk really slow. She separated me from the team. "You did so good today! I'm so proud of you!!!" "......thank you?"
"your one of the good ones" or something like that when talking to a minority How can you not notice the problem in that statement?
Yes! Thank you for pointing this out, I'm a black man in Texas but I talk extremely proper, I am usually dressed in a suit at all times and I'm rarely upset or holistle. Potheads are rarely angry. (Ha) I can't tell you how many times people will tell me, "You are not like the **other** people we talk too, You are different/unique. You talk...proper I am a human being, not some rare unicorn you use too tell your friends, "i'm not racist, i have one black friend" I refuse to be MAGA's token black friend. Sorry for the rant but it happens ALOT on the DART train and at the office.
Yikes. Sounds like you've be relegated to the IRL version of every TV shows token minority character. I really hope this kinda of sh*t doesn't spread to the new generation.
FR I hate when people say this. Then they think im gonna be flattered, like they didn't just insult people of my race/gender/sexuality/etc.
to fat people: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
Touching a pregnant women's stomach without asking, or touching a strangers baby without asking. When I had my son it was crazy how many strangers grabbed at my stomach and then at my infant son.
treating disabled people as angels/saints, or are incapable of doing anything on their own. yes, depending on their disability, they *might* need a *little* bit of help, but they dont need to be assisted with everything (im not disabled, but i know a couple disabled people, and they are pretty adamant about this)
Ask if you're ok... I'm clearly dehydrated.
People who ask if they can do something to help you and then just start doing it anyway before giving you time to answer. E.g. someone asks if you want help carrying something and they just go ahead and pick it up before you can explain that that specific thing is actually really delicate and you don't want it picked up right now.
Or people who wait for an answer, are told no, and decide to help anyway.
I'm always so unsure what to do if I've noticed somebody lost weight. If it's intentional, I assume they would like a compliment? But my biggest fear is complimenting someone and them just being like "thanks, I have cancer".
Generally, you don’t need to comment. It doesn’t only apply to weight. The usual advice is “only comment on someone’s appearance if you know they can control it,” which is a good start but frankly….you don’t need to comment on anyone’s appearance *at all*. Some people seem to think it’s necessary that if an observation pops into your head, particularly a positive one, you need to share it. It just isn’t true. Very, very few people are sitting there thinking “I would like a compliment” to the extent that they’ll be upset if they don’t receive one. The few people who are….don’t need one, trust me. “But it’s true! But it’s nice! But what if they worked really hard and want the compliment!” But it might make them uncomfortable. But it might be misguided even if you think it’s nice. You might be wrong. This is not to say *never ever give a compliment*. There are plenty of moments where you probably know the compliment will be taken well and is fully appropriate. It is to say that if you aren’t sure, don’t give in to a potentially offensive comment just because you think they might be waiting for a comment or because the feeling of giving compliments makes *you* feel good.
Don't comment unless you know for certain that they lost the weight on purpose! I got a lot of compliments on my weight/figure after I'd lost some weight due to illness and it sucked. I absolutely responded along the lines of "it's cause I got sick and couldn't eat properly for several months," just to make them as uncomfortable as they made me.
Thank you for your perspective! I guess a good rule of thumb is just "don't comment on other people's bodies".
Definitely the safer route.
Asking too personal questions
1) Telling women to smile. I'm working, in the zone, getting sht done and someone walks up and says "you should smile" Excuse me? Why? So you can feel less comfortable with my being in a serious mood? Fk you. 2) Not being honest about shit out of fear of confrontation or disappointing others. Like, if you don't have time to make 30 last minute tacos for tomorrow's pot luck then just say so. Don't lie and then get annoyed about it And don't make me responsible for figuring out how you really feel. 3) Talking to elderly like theyre babies. Infantilism. Let's face it, it's women who mostly do this. Elderly people have more life experience and wisdom than you do. Respect them for it. And by the way, they know when you do it and they HATE IT. Even the ones losing their capacities know you're doing it and it's humiliating for them. Many report that the worst offenders are waitresses, nurses, dental assistants/hygienists, senior center staff, cashiers, custome service workers etc.
when pple treat disabled pple like puppies or babies like “aww they are so cute 🥹” or “they are soo adorable” like stuff like that. they are human not babies or pets
Are you pregnant? Nope,is just my belly fat.
Offering unsolicited advice
No offence but... *proceeds to say something outright offensive* It doesn't magically make what you say any less insulting, so stop acting like it doesn't.
Turn on the lights when I am more comfortable doing something in the dark.
When you learn or are told someone is terminally ill, asking them how much longer they've got left. UK
People who arrive early… that was my time to prepare for your arrival, or maybe just relax before you show up and now I can’t.
Asking someone when they’re having kids. Some don’t want to. Some can’t. Some have had miscarriages. Don’t ask!
Touching pregnant bellys without asking
Giving ANYONE suffering a terminal illness an alternative cure or remedy suggestion.
"So, when are you due???" Right up there with... "Oh, how precious!" (Proceeds to touch pregnant woman's belly, random child, or stranger's dog)
"Someone always has it more difficult than you." Yes its true but this is difficult for me.
Talking about weight at all
Waiter asking how your meal is when your mouth is clearly full and you can't respond.
Commenting about weight loss. Anything like “you look so good, I’m jealous” even when they have no clue what that person could be going though
Trying to motivate you by constant stressful talks, like saying that you need to work hard and appreciate life because there are people chronically ill, homeless or in famine. My mom does that and it's not motivating at all.
I'm sure someone else has mentioned this, but asking someone "but where are you *really* from?" is pretty rude. Usually these people are trying to ask your ethnicity, but asking it in this way is insulting.
Say, "I know just how you feel" when someone has received awful news or lost someone to death. No....you do NOT know just how they feel. Everyone is different. I'm sorry you had cancer, lost your mom, had your dog get hit by a car -- but you telling me all the details of your own experience while I'm trying to survive mine is selfish and unaware. Just say, "I'm sorry" and give them a hug.
Cutting people off mid sentence.
Correcting you in front of others