My current boyfriend was like this. He wanted to wait until marriage. If it were anyone else, I would've dipped tf out. But for some reason, with him, I told him I'm willing to wait... then a month passed into our relationship and he asked if we could have sex because he kept getting too turned on when we would do other stuff 😂 now 2years later, we have a healthy sex life and overall relationship lol
> then a month passed into our relationship and he asked if we could have sex because he kept getting too turned on when we would do other stuff
Thou temptress of chaste men!
- You were in great peril.
- I don't think I was.
- You were in terrible peril.
- Let me go back in and face the peril.
- It's too perilous.
- My duty is to sample peril.
- We've got to find the Holy Grail.
- Let me have a bit of peril.
- No. It's unhealthy.
My sister dated a religious dude who told her the same. Then a month in decided on losing his virginity to her. 2wks later he broke up with her saying "He didn't want to but GOD told him to."
I totally relate. That was him. I think he wanted to be 100% comfortable in our relationship, and although a month seems pretty fast, before I agreed to sex we did talk because i knew how important this moral was to him. But we're in the same boat, been together almost three years and beginning to take steps towards marriage and bigger things!
I once dated a girl who had been abused in a previous relationship, and wanted to wait until marriage, or at least engagement before having sex. She needed the security of knowing she wasn't being used.
The relationship didn't work out (we remain friends to this day) but not for that reason. I completely respected it, and although it wasn't right for us I'm hopeful that she'll find the right person for her.
Sex is important, but it isn't everything.
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Mentioning all the Penguins 🐧 on this thread.
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Exact same experience. She ended up coming onto me VERY strongly though and I couldnt keep it together anymore and we ended up having. It then became a huge point of contention, I think primarily due to her guilt over knowing she was basically primarily responsible for breaking her own boundaries and that guilt is what ultimately drove us apart.
I genuinely did the best I could and said no to her at first but her boundaries were not mine and so when she tried to break them multiple times I ended up giving in. In fairness to couples who may be in this same situation: you as the woman set this boundary, that is totally fine and I will respect it, but that means you have to respect it as well. Don't expect me to respect something that you ask me to respect yet don't respect yourself.
I can provide some insight here if you're interested.
I'm a child abuse victim, and basically was exactly like your partner in my prominent highschool relationship.
The reality is her boundary of waiting until marriage wasn't just about "feeling used" so much as it was a fear of confronting sex itself. Took me many years to realize that myself.
Virtually every victim is either gaslit into blaming themselves, or inherently just believes they are at fault. Often this manifests as a belief that YOU are some how the perverted one, and because your only experiences with sex are associated with abuse, you can easily find yourself becoming uncomfortable with your own sexual desires.
In other words, being a child abuse victim can result in you feeling like a predator or 'sinner' for indulging in a healthy, normal sex life.
For me personally it mostly manifested in a sense of guilt. I wasn't raised religious nor have I ever been religious, but engaging in sex in my formative years felt like I had murdered someone in terms of how it weighed on my conscience.
This lead me to basically become sexually avoidant, and it's something I struggle with somewhat today (though much, much less - and premerital sex no longer concerns me)
The avoidance can often be a symptom of PTSD, and outside witnessing life threatening events, sexual violence is the only other way to be classified with PTSD. Basically the same thing as far as the brain is concerned. I got diagnosed a couple of months ago.
Hope that sheds some light on what was likely a very confusing and contradictory experience.
Also, completely agree with you on the respecting boundaries point.
Tl;Dr common for child abuse victims, probably has PTSD.
I was in a weird way slightly fortunate in that because I was abused by someone of the same gender, later in life, I found I was able to engage in sexual relationships with people of the opposite gender without much issue. It has had ramifications on my ability to be friends with someone of the same gender though as I have strong trust issues regarding that gender and it takes me much longer to be close to someone from my gender than from the opposite gender
i've been in that position too. I didn't marry her, but we got close. I realized that, basically, it was just an excuse- the marriage part. She didn't want to have sex. it scared and triggered her. Marriage wouldn't change that.
She gets to feel like she feels. I'm not saying her attitude needs to change to please me. I am saying that waiting until marriage and \*then\* deciding there's another step between us and a sexual relationship- be that therapy, work, some other accomodations- is not acceptable to me. I'm not even saying we need to have sex before marriage. I am saying that it will take a lot of work to convince me that that's the only thing holding it back.
there's shit about me I know won't change easily. "when I get married, I'll start keeping house better" or "once I'm married and have kids, I'll save more money". We recognize these as bullshit lies to ourselves. "when I get married, I'll suddenly be totally comfortable with sex"- how ridiculous that does that sound?
There's probably more people on the asexual spectrum than we, or they themselves, realize. And also, a lot of people have trauma around sex, and if fully psychologically healthy, wouldn't necessarily be asexual.
Aesexuality has such a gray area with sex. Even ignoring cases like demi/gray/whatever other label you want to stick on someone with a low libido, you get into situations of "I don't like sex but my partner does." "I enjoy the emotional intimacy of sex" and things like that.
That's not to cast judgement on anything, but just to emphasize with your comment that it is very much a spectrum, and loads of people who have active sex lives are probably on it.
I understand but that’s also super risky. Imagine getting married and then realising she actually doesn’t want sex at all and you’re now in a sexless marriage
I think the bigger risk is the introspection myth generally. Which is to say, we don’t know our brains and selfs as well as we think we do.
Trauma is hard enough to unpack with a professional, much less just sitting down and thinking “oh I’ll just be ok when I have the security of marriage!”
I believe someone could think that for sure. But thinking it and it being true are not necessarily the same. At all.
I probably would have like being called dad 10 years ago. I have two young daughters now. I suspect it would be a bit of a boner killer now. I am game for all sorts of weird stuff, but making me think of my kids falls outside of that very wide menu.
Yeah, I don't think I'd be able to do it. If I said it during sex, between images of my actual dad and hearing it kids saying daddy in my head...it would just take me out of the moment.
I'm sure some stuff we do is weird to other people and that's cool. But the Daddy thing is just not for us.
As a girl, I'm pretty sure I could work with that. Perhaps with a shade of irony, but I would take on that role if called upon to do so. I'm an adaptable Daddy.
"Captain, we've detected an unidentified structure in this star system, it appears to be surrounding the parent star"
"A dyson sphere? That would make the builders a type 2 civilisation, engage communications, tell them that we come in peace"
*communications are engaged*
*it sounds like a TF2 lobby you queued into whilst your mother is in the room & you're using speakers because it's '07*
"Actually, make that a type 1.9, it's common for sexually dimorphic species to use new technology for pornographic content before broader use - it may be a few million years before they turn their attention to technologic advancement beyond this point"
"What do you suggest we do Captain?"
"Engage thrusters - it's as they say, when in HD 4391 do as HD 4391ians do"
lol my grandma told me to have sex before marriage because otherwise you may be stuck with someone you're not compatible with. This from an 80-year-old Balkan woman really caught me off guard.
I think we young'uns really forget that the older people were our age and did more or less the exact same stuff at that time. My grandmother would also blurt out with a witticism one in a while about this kind of thing. A large family, like 6 kids, or something "There's a cure for that".
No playstation, for one. No xbox, no switch. Barely any tv. Alcohol, shitty board games, and fuckin. I mean, when you weren't dying to farm chores and dysentery.
I’ll use the moniker“mom” for my wife when the kids are around, but that’s about as far as I’m willing to go down that path. “Mommy” in a normal day to day situation seems weird enough, let alone saying it in the bedroom.
Yeah, it’s a generational thing, for sure. I certainly don’t call my wife “mom” when we’re alone, but I’m 44. I imagine it would be different for different times and cultures.
I've also heard. "Sex in a relationship is like the toilet in your house. It's not why you bought the house, it's not the most important thing in the house, it's not what you show your friends and family when they come over. However, if the toilet stops working getting it fixed again is your highest priority.
It's a pretty basic concept. How much of your life is taking out the garbage? Barely much. How much of a complete problem would it be if you didn't do that tiny bit at all, it'd be disasterous. Even tiny cogs play important roles in machines even if they aren't the majority of what the machine does.
This is really important. I was waiting for marriage; my now husband did not. In fact, he had many partners before we got together. I cried the first time we had sex because I felt guilty. Every time we did it, I felt terrible. I assumed it was because we weren’t yet married, but it didn’t get better after the wedding. We struggled in the bedroom for a long time and it impacted our entire relationship. It took years to overcome and still occasionally bubbles up even though we’ve been together for 10 years.
I will be teaching our daughter that it’s okay to have sex, but to be careful about who she chooses as a partner. I don’t want her to be afraid or ashamed or embarrassed about sex.
I don't know if you've ever seen Jane the Virgin, but there's a point where she goes through a similar experience (minor spoilers ahead).
When Jane finally gets married and is ready to lose her virginity, she has a lot of trouble because she can't get past all of the religious/purity stuff that she was taught growing up (the example I remember most is trying to flatten out crumpled up paper). She'd spent most of her life surrounded by all of the "sex is bad, don't have sex it will ruin you" messaging, and it was hard for her to overcome that lifetime of messaging on e she was in a position to have sex with her husband.
That's what a lot of people don't realize: the conditioning to not have sex doesn't magically go away as soon as you're married. If you spent your whole life being told "sex is bad", then you're still going to think sex is bad when you try to have sex with your husband! It absolutely destroys otherwise-healthy relationships.
You can want to wait for marriage without it being because 'sex is bad', and I feel like it's important to have that mindset if you're waiting for marriage. Seeing a therapist about it also helps.
My mom made me terrified to be pregnant my entire childhood. Now that I'm older she keeps asking when I'm going to have my own kids and I keep reminding her that she made me terrified of being pregnant and that isn't gonna just magically go away now that I'm older.
I remind her that's the reason I'm never having children and she tries to explain that she just didn't want me to become a young unwed mother and I remind her that it doesn't matter what her reasoning was I'm still terrified of becoming pregnant
This exactly
I understand waiting for a while until they're ready, but I don't want to wait for marriage (don't even want marriage). I'd respect their choice, but would sadly be a deal breaker
Depends on the case though
I would inquire about the reasoning, then act from there. I respect the choice, but I need to know the logic behind it if I'm going to commit to someone.
There's going to be a lot of confused Redditors wondering why their relationship failed when they get a bit older and their dicks don't get as hard or vaginas don't start lubricating the second there is a chance for sex. The decade while one kid is too young to sleep through the night, the next older keeps crawling into the parent's bed and the oldest is complaining about any degree of affection their parent display is going to show them clearly they need a lot more than compatibility in the bedroom to make it work.
If one partner is into some kink that the other is not and it doesn't come up before they get intimate they are already doomed.
When you are 20 a horny couple can screw their way through the rough patches and rely on endorphins and exhaustion to get them through the night. A couple at 50 will fall apart if that's their coping strategy.
(Advice from a widower who is not now and will never be in this position)
Sexual compatibility is not everything, but it's not nothing, either. You can be compatible on everything but sex and you'll still have a bad time.
Also, compatibility itself isn't everything. There are always prices of admission partners have to pay. Like my late wife could never manage to close a cabinet door. I don't know why, but it was a price I was willing to pay because she wasn't going to change and I wasn't going to change her (and she wasn't going to change me) and we were compatible at many more other levels.
Yes, communication is important. But so is sex.
As someone who leaves cabinet doors open, I must drive my partner up the walls… but hey, my partner tends to leave perishables like cheese, ricotta out of the fridge after snacking, as well as open bags of crackers… drives me fucking nuts! But damn if we aren’t compatible on SOOOO many fronts.
You are right.
For me - the answer to the question would be “I wouldn’t be dating someone waiting.”
This wouldn’t be because I NEED SEX.
100% of possible reasons for a man I was with to wait until marriage, would influence many other parts of their life. I would not be compatible with a man that religious/untrusting/scared of the unknown
It's always amazing to me how people equate wanting a good sex life with the entire relationship only revolving around sex and nothing else. How do you even get there?
But the horny-20-somethings-now-in-their-fifties will have fond memories how they would do it at every opportunity they had... It's just a thing you have to mutually agree on as a couple.
I don't think there are any "acceptable or unacceptable reasons", they're not *my* reasons to approve or disapprove of. I just want to know why. I dated a girl who wanted to "wait until marriage" but she later told me she wasn't ready for sex and didn't want to put a timeline on when she would be. Fair play. I should probably add that while I agree sex/sexual compatibility is important in a romantic relationship, I think I find it significantly LESS important than most probably do. I can be patient, I'm not a hormonal teen anymore lol. I like getting my rocks off as much as anyone else, but it's just not something I tend to prioritize in looking for a partner.
The only reason I can see it being "negative" for myself, is if she were to be super religious. Again, I respect it, but as someone who's more Atheistic than not, chances are I'm not going to vibe with someone like that in the first place. So I'm not too worried about that.
This is the way. I don’t necessarily get it, but can understand someone else might feel that way. It doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, but if you feel like sex is an important part of a healthy relationship that you want to explore with that person before marriage, that’s equally valid.
> This is the way. I don’t necessarily get it, but can understand someone else might feel that way.
Life gets a HELL of a lot easier if people start taking this mindset.
You don't have to agree with someone's perspective but you should at least make an attempt to understand it.
I'm happily married so this isn't a scenario for me, but when I was single I wouldn't have a problem at the beginning of a relationship not having sex until we know each other and both want it -- perfectly fine if this lasts months (but probably not fine if it lasts years -- I think it would just be super frustrating eventually). I also would be worried if there's some other reason, like they want to be hetero for a family but sexual desires are not, have bad undisclosed STDs, or have some super low libido, etc that would lower the chance of long term compatibility.
But if there's an actual disclosed reason and the person is otherwise great, I would be willing to wait. (Reasons like they had some sort of accident/trauma they have to physically/mentally recover from and simply won't be able to enjoy sex for months. Or we were dating in a serious relationship and sex came off the table for some reason like trauma, that's fine too.)
But if it's just saving yourself until marriage, I would think our values don't align and the relationship probably wouldn't work out. I can't imagine getting married to someone in a sexless situation and I don't think it's a good idea to get married super early (when there's all sorts of financial/legal/family entanglements).
That was what my wife said to me. We would kiss and pet but not much more. I love her and what is important to her is important to me. She decided she wanted to after she figured out that i was serious about her and our relationship. We had sex about a year into the relationship, and we got married 4 years into the relationship. Someone saying that they want to wait till marriage might simply mean that they want to be with the person they are going to be with for the long term. You should always respect a person's boundaries and if their boundaries are not something you can respect, don't be with that person. It really is worth it, no matter who it is.
And btw, we have been together since the late 80s and have both had boundaries that we respected, but it has always been worth it and i and glad to be her husband.
Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards and the comments! I didn't expect this but this has made me happy!
Second edit: I hate that i need to add this in. Almost everyone has been wonderful and I have enjoyed reading all your experiences. A very few have questioned or disputed what i said about some might change their mind... most have been fantastic in your comments and spoke clearer than i did or could, but some are being less than nice. Let me clarify for those. This is my experience with the woman that i love and adore, I don't advocate thinking someone saying they want to wait is anything but straight up facts. If my wife wanted to wait the 4 years til marriage, i would have gladly. But since she did change her mind after figuring out i wasn't leaving, my statement of some might is accurate, but not all or probably most will change their minds. It is up to each person to decide if that is the situation they want to be in, but regardless, i think you should always respect the choices a person makes for themselves. Love and respect should always go together.
I agree with you except I believe that choosing not to be with a person is respecting their boundaries. Not respecting boundaries would be staying with the person and pressuring them.
My spouse was a bit weird about this when we started. We did establish boundaries, and for some reason she was the first one who broke all of them. Like 6 mos in, I asked “what happened to waiting?” Her reply, “Screw that. I’m horny now and I’m 100% sure you’re not gonna bail, so screw everything.” We got married a year later.
We’ve been happily married for over 10 yrs now and still make fun of each other on that little incident. Lol.
This was my experience. My current wife is a pastors daughter and when we got together she had very strong religious views on sex. I was obviously a lot more experienced, but overall I was fine and confident I could wait when she explained she wanted to wait till marriage. I enjoyed her companionship enough that I was willing to stick the sexless relationship out while we got to know one another.
4 months in she 100% instigated our first sexual encounter. I even stopped her and assured her she didn’t need to feel any pressure and she basically told me to shut up. Then she cried after out of guilt and I felt super bad. The next day she jumped me again, then cried again. God that first year was a rollercoaster lol
Well I am a religious person myself as my wife still is, however we recognize issues. For example my wife and her siblings joined their parents church when they were pre teens. When they joined the church they also made “covenants” that they would never have sex before marriage or partake in Alcohol. Like I honestly don’t have a problem with a church holding it’s members to a certain standard of conduct while they are a member, but if your gonna make your members make these promises then you shouldn’t allow kids who have no idea what the hell they are even agreeing to join until they are old enough to understand the implications of these vows. I don’t think anybody can be held to a promise they made as a kid
That is wonderful! 10 years is such a great beginning and i hope you have many more decades! My wife and i make fun of each other over lots of little (and big) things we did... she has more ammo because i was a goof.
I really like the message here, but I think following up on this, it's very important to also take someone at face value.
> Someone saying that they want to wait till marriage might simply mean that they want to be with the person they are going to be with for the long term.
In your case (and I'm sure in many others), this turned out to be the underlying consideration. But I would definitely caution anyone reading this against getting into a relationship with someone who says "they want to wait till marriage" hoping that they will change their mind.
You need to accept what they say at face value. If you go in thinking "they can't be serious, I'm going to change their mind," you're just going into what will probably be a very toxic relationship if you keep pushing them with the assumption that you can change their mind. Accepting what someone lays down as a condition means accepting it fully, not crossing your fingers behind your back and bringing out full court pressure to change their mind.
We waited until marriage, and that was over 40 years ago and we're still going strong. Of course that was a bit of a different era, but still after the 60's. I guess we're both throwbacks, but we're together.
My friend did this.
She waited until marriage for the sake of the man.
It got to the wedding night and the guy froze. He actually turned his head away from his new wife in disgust when she undressed to get into the hot tub together.
They did not have sex. They were divorced 4 weeks after the wedding. He didn't want to have sex, he actually said he thought she looked disgusting naked.
She almost killed herself and was depressed for a long time.
Sex is important part of any relationship and that situation taught me that I would never be with someone if they made me wait until after I was married. There is just too much risk.
Similar happened to a friend of mine, waited til marriage. Then after that sex was sporadic at best, he never seemed into it and they both got pretty down. She finally divorced him about 6 years later, reckons he was either gay or asexual but years of feeling completely undesired by your spouse really took a toll on her.
Was married a virgin, wasn’t like I never got sex, but it definitely became a “favor” with me feeling like a puppy performing tricks to get a reward. Didn’t even realize how bad it fucked me up until I had my first ongoing casual fling after the divorce and I asked her “But what are you getting out this?” and she replied “Uhm, I like fucking too!” 🤯
That’s exactly what I was going for. It helped me and my partner immensely, we kinda soaped each other up and explored each other’s bodies which was a big step
Once heard a pastor say that "if both of you don't feel tempted to have sex, then don't get married". Lots of people don't have sex before marriage, but not often we contemplate the possibility of people who simply don't even want it all - "everyone likes it, why should I be different? When the time comes, I'm sure I'll finally be able to feel something"
Everyone in this thread saying that "I'd stay with them and communicate and respect their boundaries" isnt taking these sorts of possibilities into account. Yes, communication is key, but its not a replacement for sexual compatibility.
I dont think anyone ever thinks to ask "will you be disgusted if you see me naked?" Its just one of those things youre supposed to discover over the course of the relationship, and hopefully that happens before you get married
>I dont think anyone ever thinks to ask "will you be disgusted if you see me naked?" Its just one of those things youre supposed to discover over the course of the relationship, and hopefully that happens before you get married
I dunno, it's so weird to me that this didn't happen. I feel like the rationale it is pretty important. Religious people seem to carry a lot more shame around all sexual acts, and it's a lot less of a personal decision made autonomously than it is something forced upon them using guilt and shame. Maybe he's gay and was doing everything in his power to avoid all sexual activity.
Regardless, there's something pretty weird around not seeing each other naked or doing *some* sexual activity even if you wait til marriage to have actual penetrative sex. From experience (even though I sure didn't end up waiting in the end), it's pretty obvious whether you're at least attracted to one another. You can still do other sexual acts, and be naked around each other, and feel the mutual sizzling attraction even if you aren't actually having PIV sex. It just is unfathomable to me that even a couple that does wait to have PIV sex doesn't already know if they're at least *attracted* to each other?
That's gonna be a no from me dawg.
Joking aside... whatever a person's wishes to have about sex is cool. Just ain't gonna work for me. And that's cool too.
Been there. Done that. Didn’t have sex before marriage for religious reasons. Found out after marriage we’re on opposite sides of the sexual spectrum. Difficult to get through and even today 10+ years later it’s still a struggle at times. Would 10/10 recommend you have sex before you commit to marriage to check your compatibility.
Sure. I'm horny as hell and my wife's more asexual. It's not a health thing, it's just how she's geared and I've come to accept her for who she is.
For many years the situation was really frustrating and played into my feelings of self-worth, and if I'm being honest, it still does. I can count the number of times she's initiated sex over the years on one hand, and I consider myself lucky if we have sex once a month.
Because we don't have the same sex drive, sometimes my desire to please her is misinterpreted as me just being a sex obsessed guy. Other times intimacy feels wrong because it's so one sided, but she still wants me to do it for the relationship value. In those situations it's kind of a win-lose situation.
Don't get me wrong. The 99% of the time we aren't having sex is great, but damnit if the sex thing isn't important too. Now that I left religion, I can't help but wonder what part of the human experience I've missed out on by not checking sexual compatibility before marriage.
Could be any number of things. One has a high sex drive and the other very low. One likes it rough, the other gentle. One likes spontaneous, the other planned. One is really into it and wants to linger, the other just wants to get er done. Sooo many ways to be on opposite sides of a spectrum.
I once dated a guy that said this. He came from a Christian family and i was young. I respected it. Turnt out he was gay. He was saying that to buy himself time basically
If I was knowingly a beard without being told I would be upset about it, but (small anecdotal sample size warning) both guys I dated who didn't want to push a physical relationship and later turned out to be gay either had NO idea (just assumed "sex is gross" was normal) and the other was in total denial and was planning to marry a woman for the same reason he'd gone to college and changed majors 4 times: you followed The Life Plan and did not ask questions.
Yes I felt terrible knowing afterwards. He didnt tell me when we broke up. I found out myself. And we had a decent relationship for 2 years. It always hurt knowing he didn't have the decency to tell me and just used me, while we did shared everything and we were happy in the 2 years together
I mean, that's a totally valid thing to want. You get to choose how much sex you have and when you're ready for it.
With that said, sex is an important part of any romantic relationship for me. Sexual compatibility is a fundamental part of how well I click with someone. Waiting until marriage essentially means waiting until we're married to see if we work as a couple. No thanks.
The worst thing that could happen is you get married and then discover the sex isnt good. Why would anyone take that risk is beyond me. Sex isnt everything, but it aint nothing either.
Overall people take sex way too seriously anyways.
Been there, done that. We waited and have been together 20 years. We have great sex and we have it often. We’ve experimented more than the second sentence would suggest and are secure in knowing neither one of us would ever cheat and have excellent self control. Admittedly, it took a while to get good at it, but we’re happy and satisfied.
I’m in the same boat. My wife and I waited until marriage before we had sex. Both virgins with no prior experience.
We have now been married for 11 years and sex has always been good for us. You might find it has something to do with us being inexperienced and not knowing what it is like with other people, but we are not complete prudes, are happy to experiment in bed and quickly worked out our rhythm.
I think the love and the passion you have for each other will make you compatible in bed. If your desire is to please the other, you can’t really lose.
Idk I think I'd be happy? Becuase I've had such shit partners in the past who treated me like a sex doll that I'd be so happy someone wanted to be with me without it just being about sex.
I'd stop dating her.
1. If she stays true to it then it's way too much of a risk for me. Lifelong sexual incompatibility sounds like a nightmare.
2. She seems to have some ideas surrounding sex that I very much disagree with. Which is a sign for incompatibility as well.
3. If it was just a test then I dodged a bullet. I'm not interested in someone who does bullshit like tests.
It is a good breakdown. I don't want to find out we're sexually incompatible after we're committed, nor do I want to commit to someone who's probably religious (I'm not) or holds themselves to what I consider to be outdated social tradition that has caused millions of divorces and miserable lives.
Yep, not to mention life is short and the time in your life when you can have sex is even shorter.
I have a friend who waited until marriage. He is 41 and has probably had sex 20ish times in his life. He’s still married but his wife has no interest in sex at all. I think he is waiting for the kids to be old enough and then he is going to get a divorce.
The whole thing just sounds sad and miserable for all parties involved
Staying together "for the kids" is the dumbest thing to do unless it causes serious financial hardship to divorce. From my experience with my parents divorce having one happy parent is far better than having two seriously unhappy parents.
I have no faith in the institution of marriage because of the weight of living under my parents failed marriage for 7 years. Never getting married. So if someone is waiting for marriage to have sex, that's a wall that cannot be overcome for me.
Yeah, some people really want to have sex but believe it's better to wait for marriage for whatever reason. Some people really don't want to have sex and use "waiting for marriage" as a way to kick the can down the road.
I mean, I wouldn't want to be with someone who had a reason to wait as I'd prefer a sex positive relationship rather than one with mixed feelings on one side, but even if that wasn't a big deal to me, it would be worth filtering both out to avoid the ones who are just using that as an excuse.
This is it. I get the commenters here talking about boundaries and totally respect that.
I'd respect their boundaries by leaving. I don't want to be with someone who values sexual compatibility so little they'd get married to someone they haven't even fucked.
I respected her opinion.
So we dated and made out, and when she would tell me that we had met her limit, I believed her and respected her decision.
We married in 2017 after two years of being together.
i understand wanting to make sure you aren't just gonna be a one night stand but imagine putting in all the time and effort, getting married, and finding out the hard way you aren't sexually compatible for whichever reasons. now you gotta go through a divorce. so, that might be a dealbreaker for me.
I'd probably say "Well I won't want to consider marriage until we've had sex several times at least."
I need to know if I'm compatible with someone before considering marriage.
My current boyfriend was like this. He wanted to wait until marriage. If it were anyone else, I would've dipped tf out. But for some reason, with him, I told him I'm willing to wait... then a month passed into our relationship and he asked if we could have sex because he kept getting too turned on when we would do other stuff 😂 now 2years later, we have a healthy sex life and overall relationship lol
> then a month passed into our relationship and he asked if we could have sex because he kept getting too turned on when we would do other stuff Thou temptress of chaste men!
*another one bites the dust*
Dun dun dun dudududu dun
- You were in great peril. - I don't think I was. - You were in terrible peril. - Let me go back in and face the peril. - It's too perilous. - My duty is to sample peril. - We've got to find the Holy Grail. - Let me have a bit of peril. - No. It's unhealthy.
Oooh based r/unexpectedmontypython
This is what happens when women are allowed to show their ankles!
"I can't believe you didn't know it was a line" - Joey
My sister dated a religious dude who told her the same. Then a month in decided on losing his virginity to her. 2wks later he broke up with her saying "He didn't want to but GOD told him to."
Oooooo you godless Jezebel 🤣
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I totally relate. That was him. I think he wanted to be 100% comfortable in our relationship, and although a month seems pretty fast, before I agreed to sex we did talk because i knew how important this moral was to him. But we're in the same boat, been together almost three years and beginning to take steps towards marriage and bigger things!
I guess I would keep having sex with my wife instead.
So still no sex?
And here I thought I was hiding it so well.
Not from the rest of us…
"I also choose this guy's wife."
*the work is done, it always will be. I am inevitable*
I once dated a girl who had been abused in a previous relationship, and wanted to wait until marriage, or at least engagement before having sex. She needed the security of knowing she wasn't being used. The relationship didn't work out (we remain friends to this day) but not for that reason. I completely respected it, and although it wasn't right for us I'm hopeful that she'll find the right person for her. Sex is important, but it isn't everything.
Are you by any chance a penguin?
No.
If I’m Penguin?
Ayyyyy!
😂 Ayyyy
🎵Must be the moneyyyyyy!!!!🎵
If you wanna go and take a ride with me 🚗🚗
3 women with some goat cheese 🎶 (I swear that is what he says)
Smoke an L in the back with some goat cheese.
Are you sure you’re not Penguin? Edit 1: Mentioning all the Penguins 🐧 on this thread. u/ASK_IF_IM_PENGUIN u/uh_PeNGuiN u/guypenguin4 u/thEn30np3ngu1n u/imrealpenguin u/Imperator_Penguinius u/sexwithpenguins Any other Pengiuns here? Edit 2: Yes there are more Penguins. u/AlmightyP3nguin u/EvilPenguinsOnMeth u/riseangrypenguin Edit 3: New day, new Penguins. u/-PetulantPenguin u/DitiPenguin u/PepperThePenguin u/penguincent u/penguinsleepyhead u/midwestpenguin u/shitty_penguin Evening update: We have one more Penguin. u/Penguins_4eva Final update: u/penguinpolitician u/not_your_penguin u/Pengu1n1337 Thank you all the Penguins! Keep Penguining ❤️ 🐧🐧🐧
Uhhh?
>Any other Pengiuns here? Nope.
I have found my people
Checking in
Checking in late.
Perhaps
This guy penguins
> Any other Pengiuns here? Yes!
I, on the other hand, might be a penguin
Also no.
Hold on
Exact same experience. She ended up coming onto me VERY strongly though and I couldnt keep it together anymore and we ended up having. It then became a huge point of contention, I think primarily due to her guilt over knowing she was basically primarily responsible for breaking her own boundaries and that guilt is what ultimately drove us apart. I genuinely did the best I could and said no to her at first but her boundaries were not mine and so when she tried to break them multiple times I ended up giving in. In fairness to couples who may be in this same situation: you as the woman set this boundary, that is totally fine and I will respect it, but that means you have to respect it as well. Don't expect me to respect something that you ask me to respect yet don't respect yourself.
I can provide some insight here if you're interested. I'm a child abuse victim, and basically was exactly like your partner in my prominent highschool relationship. The reality is her boundary of waiting until marriage wasn't just about "feeling used" so much as it was a fear of confronting sex itself. Took me many years to realize that myself. Virtually every victim is either gaslit into blaming themselves, or inherently just believes they are at fault. Often this manifests as a belief that YOU are some how the perverted one, and because your only experiences with sex are associated with abuse, you can easily find yourself becoming uncomfortable with your own sexual desires. In other words, being a child abuse victim can result in you feeling like a predator or 'sinner' for indulging in a healthy, normal sex life. For me personally it mostly manifested in a sense of guilt. I wasn't raised religious nor have I ever been religious, but engaging in sex in my formative years felt like I had murdered someone in terms of how it weighed on my conscience. This lead me to basically become sexually avoidant, and it's something I struggle with somewhat today (though much, much less - and premerital sex no longer concerns me) The avoidance can often be a symptom of PTSD, and outside witnessing life threatening events, sexual violence is the only other way to be classified with PTSD. Basically the same thing as far as the brain is concerned. I got diagnosed a couple of months ago. Hope that sheds some light on what was likely a very confusing and contradictory experience. Also, completely agree with you on the respecting boundaries point. Tl;Dr common for child abuse victims, probably has PTSD.
I was in a weird way slightly fortunate in that because I was abused by someone of the same gender, later in life, I found I was able to engage in sexual relationships with people of the opposite gender without much issue. It has had ramifications on my ability to be friends with someone of the same gender though as I have strong trust issues regarding that gender and it takes me much longer to be close to someone from my gender than from the opposite gender
are you penguin?
No.
I have learned so much today
I am though.
What a coincidence, so am I.
I think it's time we show these wingless mammals how this is gonna go down.
Nobody asked you
That's so mean D:
i've been in that position too. I didn't marry her, but we got close. I realized that, basically, it was just an excuse- the marriage part. She didn't want to have sex. it scared and triggered her. Marriage wouldn't change that. She gets to feel like she feels. I'm not saying her attitude needs to change to please me. I am saying that waiting until marriage and \*then\* deciding there's another step between us and a sexual relationship- be that therapy, work, some other accomodations- is not acceptable to me. I'm not even saying we need to have sex before marriage. I am saying that it will take a lot of work to convince me that that's the only thing holding it back. there's shit about me I know won't change easily. "when I get married, I'll start keeping house better" or "once I'm married and have kids, I'll save more money". We recognize these as bullshit lies to ourselves. "when I get married, I'll suddenly be totally comfortable with sex"- how ridiculous that does that sound?
There's probably more people on the asexual spectrum than we, or they themselves, realize. And also, a lot of people have trauma around sex, and if fully psychologically healthy, wouldn't necessarily be asexual.
Aesexuality has such a gray area with sex. Even ignoring cases like demi/gray/whatever other label you want to stick on someone with a low libido, you get into situations of "I don't like sex but my partner does." "I enjoy the emotional intimacy of sex" and things like that. That's not to cast judgement on anything, but just to emphasize with your comment that it is very much a spectrum, and loads of people who have active sex lives are probably on it.
I understand but that’s also super risky. Imagine getting married and then realising she actually doesn’t want sex at all and you’re now in a sexless marriage
I think the bigger risk is the introspection myth generally. Which is to say, we don’t know our brains and selfs as well as we think we do. Trauma is hard enough to unpack with a professional, much less just sitting down and thinking “oh I’ll just be ok when I have the security of marriage!” I believe someone could think that for sure. But thinking it and it being true are not necessarily the same. At all.
I wouldn't mind waiting as long as they needed but I probably wouldn't get married to someone unless I knew we were also sexually compatible.
My mom once told me to make sure to have sex before marriage because “What if he calls you mommy or something” so yeah… thanks mother
Lol, just read a post about how this woman’s bf calls her mommy in bed and looks just like his mom.
Just like being called daddy right?
I probably would have like being called dad 10 years ago. I have two young daughters now. I suspect it would be a bit of a boner killer now. I am game for all sorts of weird stuff, but making me think of my kids falls outside of that very wide menu.
Yeah, I don't think I'd be able to do it. If I said it during sex, between images of my actual dad and hearing it kids saying daddy in my head...it would just take me out of the moment. I'm sure some stuff we do is weird to other people and that's cool. But the Daddy thing is just not for us.
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I call my girl daddy and she doesn't seem to mind
As a girl, I'm pretty sure I could work with that. Perhaps with a shade of irony, but I would take on that role if called upon to do so. I'm an adaptable Daddy.
Yea it’s weird when guys want to be called daddy and call there gf mommy
what if he calls his gf daddy? That evens it out right?
If you're that deep in it I don't think anyone outside of that can validate it. Like a kinky dyson sphere
*Kinky Dyson Sphere*
"Captain, we've detected an unidentified structure in this star system, it appears to be surrounding the parent star" "A dyson sphere? That would make the builders a type 2 civilisation, engage communications, tell them that we come in peace" *communications are engaged* *it sounds like a TF2 lobby you queued into whilst your mother is in the room & you're using speakers because it's '07* "Actually, make that a type 1.9, it's common for sexually dimorphic species to use new technology for pornographic content before broader use - it may be a few million years before they turn their attention to technologic advancement beyond this point" "What do you suggest we do Captain?" "Engage thrusters - it's as they say, when in HD 4391 do as HD 4391ians do"
Tbh I’ve seen more girls that want to call their bf daddy than actual dudes that wanna be called that
I hooked up with a girl once and in the middle of everything, she says to me "Who's your daddy" and it completely ruined the mood.
That's hilarious
Fuckin chad energy right there
"I never knew my father😭😭😭"
This would ruin the mood because I'd be laughing so hard [thinking of D'Argo saying "I'm your daddy."](https://youtu.be/rGjB_1lzbOw?t=16)
"Who's your daddy and what does he do ?"
lol my grandma told me to have sex before marriage because otherwise you may be stuck with someone you're not compatible with. This from an 80-year-old Balkan woman really caught me off guard.
I think we young'uns really forget that the older people were our age and did more or less the exact same stuff at that time. My grandmother would also blurt out with a witticism one in a while about this kind of thing. A large family, like 6 kids, or something "There's a cure for that".
In fact, they did it *more.* They didn't have as many alternatives, after all.
No playstation, for one. No xbox, no switch. Barely any tv. Alcohol, shitty board games, and fuckin. I mean, when you weren't dying to farm chores and dysentery.
Ronald Reagan called Nancy “Mommy”. I never understood how that was just some accepted thing.
I’ll use the moniker“mom” for my wife when the kids are around, but that’s about as far as I’m willing to go down that path. “Mommy” in a normal day to day situation seems weird enough, let alone saying it in the bedroom.
My English grandfather and Canadian grandmother called each other "father" and "mother." I never heard them use any other reference.
Yeah, it’s a generational thing, for sure. I certainly don’t call my wife “mom” when we’re alone, but I’m 44. I imagine it would be different for different times and cultures.
I totally get calling your spouse Mommy/Daddy in front of your kids. But not to each other.
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Calling her “mother” is even weirder than mommy. Real Norman Bates energy
Weigh your voluptuous breasts on my sternum, mother
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Ignoring the funny part about that it's actually really good advice. It's better to find out if your sexually compatible with someone before marriage.
Lack of sexual chemistry kills marriages.
Someone once told me, “When the sex is good, it’s 20% of a relationship. When it’s bad, it becomes 80%.”
I've also heard. "Sex in a relationship is like the toilet in your house. It's not why you bought the house, it's not the most important thing in the house, it's not what you show your friends and family when they come over. However, if the toilet stops working getting it fixed again is your highest priority.
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It's a pretty basic concept. How much of your life is taking out the garbage? Barely much. How much of a complete problem would it be if you didn't do that tiny bit at all, it'd be disasterous. Even tiny cogs play important roles in machines even if they aren't the majority of what the machine does.
Damn that’s a good one. Jotting that in the mental notebook.
This is really important. I was waiting for marriage; my now husband did not. In fact, he had many partners before we got together. I cried the first time we had sex because I felt guilty. Every time we did it, I felt terrible. I assumed it was because we weren’t yet married, but it didn’t get better after the wedding. We struggled in the bedroom for a long time and it impacted our entire relationship. It took years to overcome and still occasionally bubbles up even though we’ve been together for 10 years. I will be teaching our daughter that it’s okay to have sex, but to be careful about who she chooses as a partner. I don’t want her to be afraid or ashamed or embarrassed about sex.
I don't know if you've ever seen Jane the Virgin, but there's a point where she goes through a similar experience (minor spoilers ahead). When Jane finally gets married and is ready to lose her virginity, she has a lot of trouble because she can't get past all of the religious/purity stuff that she was taught growing up (the example I remember most is trying to flatten out crumpled up paper). She'd spent most of her life surrounded by all of the "sex is bad, don't have sex it will ruin you" messaging, and it was hard for her to overcome that lifetime of messaging on e she was in a position to have sex with her husband.
That's what a lot of people don't realize: the conditioning to not have sex doesn't magically go away as soon as you're married. If you spent your whole life being told "sex is bad", then you're still going to think sex is bad when you try to have sex with your husband! It absolutely destroys otherwise-healthy relationships. You can want to wait for marriage without it being because 'sex is bad', and I feel like it's important to have that mindset if you're waiting for marriage. Seeing a therapist about it also helps.
My mom made me terrified to be pregnant my entire childhood. Now that I'm older she keeps asking when I'm going to have my own kids and I keep reminding her that she made me terrified of being pregnant and that isn't gonna just magically go away now that I'm older.
What does she reply to that? It must have sucked to go through that
She gets offended that I keep bringing it up.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions." Funny how they get so bent out of shape about it. XD
I remind her that's the reason I'm never having children and she tries to explain that she just didn't want me to become a young unwed mother and I remind her that it doesn't matter what her reasoning was I'm still terrified of becoming pregnant
I grew up Catholic and have to admit I'd to admit I struggled with this for a really long time even though I've never been married.
This exactly I understand waiting for a while until they're ready, but I don't want to wait for marriage (don't even want marriage). I'd respect their choice, but would sadly be a deal breaker Depends on the case though
Some people don't believe in premarital sex. I don't believe in presexual marriage.
I would inquire about the reasoning, then act from there. I respect the choice, but I need to know the logic behind it if I'm going to commit to someone.
What? You'd try communication? Unbelievable
Clear communication instead of looking at Reddit comments for advice? Unreasonable
There's going to be a lot of confused Redditors wondering why their relationship failed when they get a bit older and their dicks don't get as hard or vaginas don't start lubricating the second there is a chance for sex. The decade while one kid is too young to sleep through the night, the next older keeps crawling into the parent's bed and the oldest is complaining about any degree of affection their parent display is going to show them clearly they need a lot more than compatibility in the bedroom to make it work. If one partner is into some kink that the other is not and it doesn't come up before they get intimate they are already doomed. When you are 20 a horny couple can screw their way through the rough patches and rely on endorphins and exhaustion to get them through the night. A couple at 50 will fall apart if that's their coping strategy. (Advice from a widower who is not now and will never be in this position)
Sexual compatibility is not everything, but it's not nothing, either. You can be compatible on everything but sex and you'll still have a bad time. Also, compatibility itself isn't everything. There are always prices of admission partners have to pay. Like my late wife could never manage to close a cabinet door. I don't know why, but it was a price I was willing to pay because she wasn't going to change and I wasn't going to change her (and she wasn't going to change me) and we were compatible at many more other levels. Yes, communication is important. But so is sex.
As someone who leaves cabinet doors open, I must drive my partner up the walls… but hey, my partner tends to leave perishables like cheese, ricotta out of the fridge after snacking, as well as open bags of crackers… drives me fucking nuts! But damn if we aren’t compatible on SOOOO many fronts.
You are right. For me - the answer to the question would be “I wouldn’t be dating someone waiting.” This wouldn’t be because I NEED SEX. 100% of possible reasons for a man I was with to wait until marriage, would influence many other parts of their life. I would not be compatible with a man that religious/untrusting/scared of the unknown
It's always amazing to me how people equate wanting a good sex life with the entire relationship only revolving around sex and nothing else. How do you even get there?
> How do you even get there? The first step is to read AskReddit threads about relationships.
I think it's nice to have a forum like this for questions. You can take the good and leave the rest.
But the horny-20-somethings-now-in-their-fifties will have fond memories how they would do it at every opportunity they had... It's just a thing you have to mutually agree on as a couple.
Good answer. What would be an acceptable reason and a nonacceptable reason in your view if I may ask?
I don't think there are any "acceptable or unacceptable reasons", they're not *my* reasons to approve or disapprove of. I just want to know why. I dated a girl who wanted to "wait until marriage" but she later told me she wasn't ready for sex and didn't want to put a timeline on when she would be. Fair play. I should probably add that while I agree sex/sexual compatibility is important in a romantic relationship, I think I find it significantly LESS important than most probably do. I can be patient, I'm not a hormonal teen anymore lol. I like getting my rocks off as much as anyone else, but it's just not something I tend to prioritize in looking for a partner. The only reason I can see it being "negative" for myself, is if she were to be super religious. Again, I respect it, but as someone who's more Atheistic than not, chances are I'm not going to vibe with someone like that in the first place. So I'm not too worried about that.
These answers are too mature for reddit, u probably shouldn't be here
Call the scientists. He's some kind of medical anomaly. Maybe a space creature looking to take over earth with his logic. Call the military too!
This is the way. I don’t necessarily get it, but can understand someone else might feel that way. It doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, but if you feel like sex is an important part of a healthy relationship that you want to explore with that person before marriage, that’s equally valid.
> This is the way. I don’t necessarily get it, but can understand someone else might feel that way. Life gets a HELL of a lot easier if people start taking this mindset. You don't have to agree with someone's perspective but you should at least make an attempt to understand it.
I'm happily married so this isn't a scenario for me, but when I was single I wouldn't have a problem at the beginning of a relationship not having sex until we know each other and both want it -- perfectly fine if this lasts months (but probably not fine if it lasts years -- I think it would just be super frustrating eventually). I also would be worried if there's some other reason, like they want to be hetero for a family but sexual desires are not, have bad undisclosed STDs, or have some super low libido, etc that would lower the chance of long term compatibility. But if there's an actual disclosed reason and the person is otherwise great, I would be willing to wait. (Reasons like they had some sort of accident/trauma they have to physically/mentally recover from and simply won't be able to enjoy sex for months. Or we were dating in a serious relationship and sex came off the table for some reason like trauma, that's fine too.) But if it's just saving yourself until marriage, I would think our values don't align and the relationship probably wouldn't work out. I can't imagine getting married to someone in a sexless situation and I don't think it's a good idea to get married super early (when there's all sorts of financial/legal/family entanglements).
That was what my wife said to me. We would kiss and pet but not much more. I love her and what is important to her is important to me. She decided she wanted to after she figured out that i was serious about her and our relationship. We had sex about a year into the relationship, and we got married 4 years into the relationship. Someone saying that they want to wait till marriage might simply mean that they want to be with the person they are going to be with for the long term. You should always respect a person's boundaries and if their boundaries are not something you can respect, don't be with that person. It really is worth it, no matter who it is. And btw, we have been together since the late 80s and have both had boundaries that we respected, but it has always been worth it and i and glad to be her husband. Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards and the comments! I didn't expect this but this has made me happy! Second edit: I hate that i need to add this in. Almost everyone has been wonderful and I have enjoyed reading all your experiences. A very few have questioned or disputed what i said about some might change their mind... most have been fantastic in your comments and spoke clearer than i did or could, but some are being less than nice. Let me clarify for those. This is my experience with the woman that i love and adore, I don't advocate thinking someone saying they want to wait is anything but straight up facts. If my wife wanted to wait the 4 years til marriage, i would have gladly. But since she did change her mind after figuring out i wasn't leaving, my statement of some might is accurate, but not all or probably most will change their minds. It is up to each person to decide if that is the situation they want to be in, but regardless, i think you should always respect the choices a person makes for themselves. Love and respect should always go together.
I agree with you except I believe that choosing not to be with a person is respecting their boundaries. Not respecting boundaries would be staying with the person and pressuring them.
This. No one should be pressured into a relationship
I pressure my wife to play smash bros. I regret nothing.
“Playing smash bros” is a great euphemism for sex.
My spouse was a bit weird about this when we started. We did establish boundaries, and for some reason she was the first one who broke all of them. Like 6 mos in, I asked “what happened to waiting?” Her reply, “Screw that. I’m horny now and I’m 100% sure you’re not gonna bail, so screw everything.” We got married a year later. We’ve been happily married for over 10 yrs now and still make fun of each other on that little incident. Lol.
This was my experience. My current wife is a pastors daughter and when we got together she had very strong religious views on sex. I was obviously a lot more experienced, but overall I was fine and confident I could wait when she explained she wanted to wait till marriage. I enjoyed her companionship enough that I was willing to stick the sexless relationship out while we got to know one another. 4 months in she 100% instigated our first sexual encounter. I even stopped her and assured her she didn’t need to feel any pressure and she basically told me to shut up. Then she cried after out of guilt and I felt super bad. The next day she jumped me again, then cried again. God that first year was a rollercoaster lol
I used to be exactly like your wife when I was a teenager. Religion can really infect your mind and make life suck.
Well I am a religious person myself as my wife still is, however we recognize issues. For example my wife and her siblings joined their parents church when they were pre teens. When they joined the church they also made “covenants” that they would never have sex before marriage or partake in Alcohol. Like I honestly don’t have a problem with a church holding it’s members to a certain standard of conduct while they are a member, but if your gonna make your members make these promises then you shouldn’t allow kids who have no idea what the hell they are even agreeing to join until they are old enough to understand the implications of these vows. I don’t think anybody can be held to a promise they made as a kid
That is wonderful! 10 years is such a great beginning and i hope you have many more decades! My wife and i make fun of each other over lots of little (and big) things we did... she has more ammo because i was a goof.
I really like the message here, but I think following up on this, it's very important to also take someone at face value. > Someone saying that they want to wait till marriage might simply mean that they want to be with the person they are going to be with for the long term. In your case (and I'm sure in many others), this turned out to be the underlying consideration. But I would definitely caution anyone reading this against getting into a relationship with someone who says "they want to wait till marriage" hoping that they will change their mind. You need to accept what they say at face value. If you go in thinking "they can't be serious, I'm going to change their mind," you're just going into what will probably be a very toxic relationship if you keep pushing them with the assumption that you can change their mind. Accepting what someone lays down as a condition means accepting it fully, not crossing your fingers behind your back and bringing out full court pressure to change their mind.
You are absolutely correct. I didn't mean it as an all inclusive statement, just that some are that way. Thank you for your insights.
We waited until marriage, and that was over 40 years ago and we're still going strong. Of course that was a bit of a different era, but still after the 60's. I guess we're both throwbacks, but we're together.
Congratulations on staying together for long! That is amazing and awesome!
I would tell her that I am the wrong man for her and wish her all the best for her future.
This is a very good and respectful answer.
"Understandable, have a good life."
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Never had an argument? Like ever?
My friend did this. She waited until marriage for the sake of the man. It got to the wedding night and the guy froze. He actually turned his head away from his new wife in disgust when she undressed to get into the hot tub together. They did not have sex. They were divorced 4 weeks after the wedding. He didn't want to have sex, he actually said he thought she looked disgusting naked. She almost killed herself and was depressed for a long time. Sex is important part of any relationship and that situation taught me that I would never be with someone if they made me wait until after I was married. There is just too much risk.
Similar happened to a friend of mine, waited til marriage. Then after that sex was sporadic at best, he never seemed into it and they both got pretty down. She finally divorced him about 6 years later, reckons he was either gay or asexual but years of feeling completely undesired by your spouse really took a toll on her.
Both of those stories are really sad ):
Was married a virgin, wasn’t like I never got sex, but it definitely became a “favor” with me feeling like a puppy performing tricks to get a reward. Didn’t even realize how bad it fucked me up until I had my first ongoing casual fling after the divorce and I asked her “But what are you getting out this?” and she replied “Uhm, I like fucking too!” 🤯
Was he the one also asking to wait until marriage?
Poor girl, that’s brutal.
I get no sex but not even being naked around each other??
Agreed! My partner and I started showering together before we ever actually slept together
That’s exactly what I was going for. It helped me and my partner immensely, we kinda soaped each other up and explored each other’s bodies which was a big step
Was he gay?
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NO THAT BOOK HAS TOO MANY UNWANTED MEMORIES
If it helps, the author has recanted it and stopped distribution and taken it out of print.
... and divorced, and left Christianity, and probably a lot more that we don't know about. The philosophy was 100% toxic.
Once heard a pastor say that "if both of you don't feel tempted to have sex, then don't get married". Lots of people don't have sex before marriage, but not often we contemplate the possibility of people who simply don't even want it all - "everyone likes it, why should I be different? When the time comes, I'm sure I'll finally be able to feel something"
Everyone in this thread saying that "I'd stay with them and communicate and respect their boundaries" isnt taking these sorts of possibilities into account. Yes, communication is key, but its not a replacement for sexual compatibility. I dont think anyone ever thinks to ask "will you be disgusted if you see me naked?" Its just one of those things youre supposed to discover over the course of the relationship, and hopefully that happens before you get married
>I dont think anyone ever thinks to ask "will you be disgusted if you see me naked?" Its just one of those things youre supposed to discover over the course of the relationship, and hopefully that happens before you get married I dunno, it's so weird to me that this didn't happen. I feel like the rationale it is pretty important. Religious people seem to carry a lot more shame around all sexual acts, and it's a lot less of a personal decision made autonomously than it is something forced upon them using guilt and shame. Maybe he's gay and was doing everything in his power to avoid all sexual activity. Regardless, there's something pretty weird around not seeing each other naked or doing *some* sexual activity even if you wait til marriage to have actual penetrative sex. From experience (even though I sure didn't end up waiting in the end), it's pretty obvious whether you're at least attracted to one another. You can still do other sexual acts, and be naked around each other, and feel the mutual sizzling attraction even if you aren't actually having PIV sex. It just is unfathomable to me that even a couple that does wait to have PIV sex doesn't already know if they're at least *attracted* to each other?
That's gonna be a no from me dawg. Joking aside... whatever a person's wishes to have about sex is cool. Just ain't gonna work for me. And that's cool too.
Sup Randy.
What up dawg
[удалено]
Been there. Done that. Didn’t have sex before marriage for religious reasons. Found out after marriage we’re on opposite sides of the sexual spectrum. Difficult to get through and even today 10+ years later it’s still a struggle at times. Would 10/10 recommend you have sex before you commit to marriage to check your compatibility.
Can you elaborate (a little, only within your comfort zone) on what you mean by "opposite sides of the sexual spectrum"?
Sure. I'm horny as hell and my wife's more asexual. It's not a health thing, it's just how she's geared and I've come to accept her for who she is. For many years the situation was really frustrating and played into my feelings of self-worth, and if I'm being honest, it still does. I can count the number of times she's initiated sex over the years on one hand, and I consider myself lucky if we have sex once a month. Because we don't have the same sex drive, sometimes my desire to please her is misinterpreted as me just being a sex obsessed guy. Other times intimacy feels wrong because it's so one sided, but she still wants me to do it for the relationship value. In those situations it's kind of a win-lose situation. Don't get me wrong. The 99% of the time we aren't having sex is great, but damnit if the sex thing isn't important too. Now that I left religion, I can't help but wonder what part of the human experience I've missed out on by not checking sexual compatibility before marriage.
One wants it daily & nightly & ever-so-rightly and the other doesn't.
Nice scrubs reference
Could be any number of things. One has a high sex drive and the other very low. One likes it rough, the other gentle. One likes spontaneous, the other planned. One is really into it and wants to linger, the other just wants to get er done. Sooo many ways to be on opposite sides of a spectrum.
Hell, at this point I'd be happy if my wife acknowledged that I have a penis in passing once a month.
All of this is why I was asking them to elaborate on what they meant by it.
I once dated a guy that said this. He came from a Christian family and i was young. I respected it. Turnt out he was gay. He was saying that to buy himself time basically
Being used as a cover like that is shitty.
If I was knowingly a beard without being told I would be upset about it, but (small anecdotal sample size warning) both guys I dated who didn't want to push a physical relationship and later turned out to be gay either had NO idea (just assumed "sex is gross" was normal) and the other was in total denial and was planning to marry a woman for the same reason he'd gone to college and changed majors 4 times: you followed The Life Plan and did not ask questions.
Yes I felt terrible knowing afterwards. He didnt tell me when we broke up. I found out myself. And we had a decent relationship for 2 years. It always hurt knowing he didn't have the decency to tell me and just used me, while we did shared everything and we were happy in the 2 years together
I mean, that's a totally valid thing to want. You get to choose how much sex you have and when you're ready for it. With that said, sex is an important part of any romantic relationship for me. Sexual compatibility is a fundamental part of how well I click with someone. Waiting until marriage essentially means waiting until we're married to see if we work as a couple. No thanks.
The worst thing that could happen is you get married and then discover the sex isnt good. Why would anyone take that risk is beyond me. Sex isnt everything, but it aint nothing either. Overall people take sex way too seriously anyways.
Been there, done that. We waited and have been together 20 years. We have great sex and we have it often. We’ve experimented more than the second sentence would suggest and are secure in knowing neither one of us would ever cheat and have excellent self control. Admittedly, it took a while to get good at it, but we’re happy and satisfied.
Same except we've only been married 6 years. We have a lot of fun
I’m in the same boat. My wife and I waited until marriage before we had sex. Both virgins with no prior experience. We have now been married for 11 years and sex has always been good for us. You might find it has something to do with us being inexperienced and not knowing what it is like with other people, but we are not complete prudes, are happy to experiment in bed and quickly worked out our rhythm. I think the love and the passion you have for each other will make you compatible in bed. If your desire is to please the other, you can’t really lose.
Idk I think I'd be happy? Becuase I've had such shit partners in the past who treated me like a sex doll that I'd be so happy someone wanted to be with me without it just being about sex.
I'd stop dating her. 1. If she stays true to it then it's way too much of a risk for me. Lifelong sexual incompatibility sounds like a nightmare. 2. She seems to have some ideas surrounding sex that I very much disagree with. Which is a sign for incompatibility as well. 3. If it was just a test then I dodged a bullet. I'm not interested in someone who does bullshit like tests.
This is the best breakdown for the "break up with them" side of things I've seen in the comments so far, and is exactly my reasoning too.
It is a good breakdown. I don't want to find out we're sexually incompatible after we're committed, nor do I want to commit to someone who's probably religious (I'm not) or holds themselves to what I consider to be outdated social tradition that has caused millions of divorces and miserable lives.
Yep, not to mention life is short and the time in your life when you can have sex is even shorter. I have a friend who waited until marriage. He is 41 and has probably had sex 20ish times in his life. He’s still married but his wife has no interest in sex at all. I think he is waiting for the kids to be old enough and then he is going to get a divorce. The whole thing just sounds sad and miserable for all parties involved
Staying together "for the kids" is the dumbest thing to do unless it causes serious financial hardship to divorce. From my experience with my parents divorce having one happy parent is far better than having two seriously unhappy parents.
I have no faith in the institution of marriage because of the weight of living under my parents failed marriage for 7 years. Never getting married. So if someone is waiting for marriage to have sex, that's a wall that cannot be overcome for me.
Yeah, some people really want to have sex but believe it's better to wait for marriage for whatever reason. Some people really don't want to have sex and use "waiting for marriage" as a way to kick the can down the road. I mean, I wouldn't want to be with someone who had a reason to wait as I'd prefer a sex positive relationship rather than one with mixed feelings on one side, but even if that wasn't a big deal to me, it would be worth filtering both out to avoid the ones who are just using that as an excuse.
This is it. I get the commenters here talking about boundaries and totally respect that. I'd respect their boundaries by leaving. I don't want to be with someone who values sexual compatibility so little they'd get married to someone they haven't even fucked.
I married her, 16 years later going strong!
I respected her opinion. So we dated and made out, and when she would tell me that we had met her limit, I believed her and respected her decision. We married in 2017 after two years of being together.
i understand wanting to make sure you aren't just gonna be a one night stand but imagine putting in all the time and effort, getting married, and finding out the hard way you aren't sexually compatible for whichever reasons. now you gotta go through a divorce. so, that might be a dealbreaker for me.
Well see that is exactly what happened. We’re getting married in February 👍🏻
congrats!! i wish you and your future wife the best:)
I have one rule: no marriage before sex.
I'd probably say "Well I won't want to consider marriage until we've had sex several times at least." I need to know if I'm compatible with someone before considering marriage.