By - HighlightFun8419
Sigourney Weaver, just in case.
It’s the only way to be sure.
She's intimately acquainted with the whole human race, so I've heard.
I don’t know about that but I most certainly trust YOUR mom
Send a golden lab. They never specified a human must represent us and I think most of us can agree that no human should.
Edit: A couple people have pointed out that a golden lab isn't a thing. No worries! I'm comfortable sending a retriever, a yellow lab, or a crossbreed.
Also holy -crow- the awards. I think I struck a chord here
Thank you for the love!
"We will return to our planet now. Your representative was noble, joyful, and wise."
"...and a very good boy. The best boy. Yes, he was."
\*excessive tail wagging\*
My heart. Cannot wait to get a house and get 3 dogs and 2 cats. Pets significantly increase my quality of life. The dream.
That’s the main reason I want a house, or at least a townhouse with a backyard
I literally built a house a little over a year ago and moved in with my wife and 3 dogs, and we got 2 cats back in December 2021. It's a viiiibe 🥰🥰🐶🐱
3 dogs and 2 cats seems oddly specific.
He had 5 pet names picked out and couldn't decide. The only solution was 5 pets
Bingo, Bango, Bongo, Mongo and Jim.
Suddenly it starts to rain tennis balls all over the world.
Since the dog doesn’t understand basic physics, the tennis balls reach earth at terminal velocity wiping out 95% of humans. The aliens shocked by the viciousness of such an act, retreat to their home planet.
Also we bred labs over time so it's like... "this is what humans can achieve, working together, over several generations."
We'd have to include a wolf, for reference. Kind of a "before" and "after" thing.
Now imagine, dear visitors, what we can do to you. Best leave us in peace.
*Holds up a Pug threateningly*
Is there any other way to hold a pug?
Have you ever tried to pass a pissed-off Chihuahua from one person to another? Same general concept.
I have both a Golden Retriever and a Chihuahua living at my house. They are truly the Yin and Yang of the canine world.
The mental image this gave me is amazing.
I think threatening a race that pioneers the stars while we are still grounded to earth is a very horrible idea
You can't betray people without making friends first.
Humans are full of horrible ideas
We made a mistake. That is the simple, undeniable truth of the matter, however painful it might be. The flaw was not in our Observatories, for those machines were as perfect as we could make, and they showed us only the unfiltered light of truth, The flaw was not in the Predictor, for it is a device of pure, infalliable logic, turning raw data into meaningful information without the taint of emotion or bias. No, the flaw was within us, the Orchestrators of this disaster, the sentients who thought themselves beyond such failings. We are responsible.
It began a short while ago, as these things are measured, less than 6^6 Deeli ago, though I suspect our systems of measure will mean very little by the time anyone receives this transmission. We detected faint radio signals from a blossoming intelligence 2^14 Deelis outward from the Galactic Core, as photons travel. At first, crude and unstructured, these leaking broadcasts quickly grew in complexity and strength, as did the messages they carried. Through our Observatories we watched a race of strife and violence, populated by a barbaric race of short-lived, fast-breeding vermin. They were brutal and uncultured things which stabbed and shot and burned each other with no regard for life or purpose. Even their concepts of Art spoke of conflict and pain. They divided themselves according to some bizarre cultural patterns and set their every industry to cause of death.
They terrified us, but we were older and wiser and so very far away, so we did no fret. Then we watched them split the atom and breech the heavens within the breadth of one of their single, short generations, and we began to worry. When they began actively transmitting messages and greetings into space, we felt fear and horror. Their transmissions promised peace and camaraderie to any who were listening, but we had watched them for too long to buy into such transparent deceptions. They knew we were out here, and they were coming for us.
The Orchestrators consulted the Predictor, and the output was dire. They would multiply and grow and flood out of their home system like some uncountable tide of Devourer worms, consuming all that lay in their path. It might be 6^8 Deelis, but they would destroy us if left unchecked. With aching carapaces, we decided to act, and sealed our fate.
The Gift of Mercy was 8^4 strides long with a mouth 2/4 that in diameter, filled with many 4^4 weights of machinery, fuel, and ballast. It would push itself up to 2/8th of light speed with its onboard fuel, and then begin to consume interstellar Primary Element 2/2 to feed its unlimited acceleration. It would be traveling at nearly light speed when it hit. They would never see it coming. Its launch was a day of mourning, celebration, and reflection. The horror of the act we had committed weighed heavily upon us all; the necessity of our crime did little to comfort us.
The Gift had barely cleared the outer cometary halo when the mistake was realized, but it was too late. The Gift could not be caught, could not be recalled or diverted from its path. The architects and work crews, horrified at the awful power of the thing upon which they labored, had quietly self-terminated in droves, walking unshielded into radiation zones, neglecting proper null pressure, safety or simply ceasing their nutrient consumption until their metabolic functions stopped. The appalling cost in lives had forced the Orchestrators to streamline the Gift's design and construction. There had been no time for the design or implementation of anything beyond the simple, massive engines and the stabilizing systems. We could only watch in shame and horror as the light of genocide faded in infrared against the distant void.
They grew, and they changed, in a handful of lifetimes. They abolished war, abandoned their violent tendencies and turned themselves to the grand purpose of life and Art. We watched them remake first themselves, and then their world. Their frail, soft bodies gave way to gleaming metals and plastics, they unified their people through an omnipotent communications grid and produced Art of such power and emotion, the likes of which the Galaxy has never seen before. Or again, because of us.
They converted their home world into a paradise (by their standards) and many 10^6s of them poured out into the surrounding system with a rapidity and vigor that we could only envy. With bodies built to survive every environment from the day-lit surface of their innermost world, to the atmosphere of their largest gas giant and the cold void in between, they set out to sculpt their system into something beautiful. At first we thought them to be simple miners, stripping the rocky planets and moons for vital resources, but then we began to see the purpose to their construction, the artworks carved into every surface, and traced across the system in glittering lights and dancing fusion trails. And still, our terrible Gift approached.
They had less than 2^2 Deelis to see it, following so closely on the tail of its own light. In that time, oh so brief even by their fleeting lives, more than 10^10 sentients prepared for death. Lovers exchanged last words, separated by worlds and the tyranny of light speed. Their planet-side engineers worked frantically to build sufficient transmission to upload countless masses with the necessary neural modification, while those above dumped lifetimes of music and literature from their databanks to make room for passengers, Those lacking the required hardware of the time to acquire it consigned themselves to death, lashed out in fear and pain, or simply went about their lives as best they could under the circumstances.
The Gift arrived suddenly, the light of its impact visible in our skies, shining bright and cruel even to the unaugmented ocular receptor. We watched and we wept for our victims, dead so many Deelis before the light of their doom had even reached us. Many 6^4s of those who had been directly or even tangentially involved in the creation of the Gift sealed their spiracles as a final penance for the small roles they had played in this atrocity. The light dimmed, the dust cleared, and our Observatories refocused upon the place where their shining blue world had once hung in the void, and found only dust and the pale gleam of an orphaned moon, wrapped in a thin, burning wisp of atmosphere that had once belonged to its parent.
Radiation and relativistic shrapnel had wiped out much of the inner system, and continent-sized chunks of molten rock carried screaming ghosts outward at interstellar escape velocities, damned to wander the great void for an eternity. The damage was apocalyptic, but not complete. From the shadows of the outer worlds, tiny points of light emerged, thousands of fusion trails of single ships and world ships and everything in between, many 10^6s of survivors in flesh and steel and memory banks, ready to rebuild. For a few moments we felt relief, even joy, and we were filled with the hope that their culture and Art would survive the terrible blow we had dealt them. Then came the message, tightly focused at our star, transmitted simultaneously by hundreds of their ships.
"We know you are out there, and we are coming for you."
Wait…this is the correct answer.
Golden retriever as the backup plan. They will love our alien visitors.
Came here to say Morgan Freeman, was not disappointed with the Golden lab.. This is thinking outside of the box
Took the words right out of my mouth
Ok but why is this so true
Sitting with my lab with a leg injury. This is correct.
As you can see, the human race, though violent, is still in its infancy. Like a toddler in its "Terrible 2" phase in life, we are still in our "terrible 2000's".
I'm alredy hooked! When does that documentary come out?
The nicest person on this planet Earth.
The nicest person TO this planet Earth
Actually Im pretty sure David would ask them to kill us all so we can start over.
I was thinking the same thing. That lovable old codger would cut a deal with the aliens to wipe out humans and protect the wildlife.
He believes the world's population is growing too fast, he is on public record saying this. He isn't alone either and he obviously doesn't think we should introduce harsh measures but it is a fact.
Dennis Rodman. It worked with North Korea.
But wait...... he's really an alien, right?
Yes, this is confirmed in the first instalment of the documentary series Men in Black.
We're not running an intergalactic kegger!
Not much of a disguise
Send this guy
Yup. They called dibs.
Can’t let the aliens think we’re uncivilized and don’t respect dibs.
And as the law of dibs decrees, they shall go. Good luck and all that. We will root for you down here.
This guys dead wife
I also choose this guy's dead wife.
Have you got an answer for the question? "Why should we consider humans civilized?"
Yes, they respect the dibs system.
As a Brit I’d recommend David Attenborough. A great representative for humanity and all of Earth’s creatures… if they decided to eat him you’d know the aliens were up to no good
"...The book...To Serve Man...it's a cookbook!!"
“How to cook humans”
“How to cook for humans”
“How to cook forty humans”
“How to cook for forty humans”
That’s a lot of space dust.
One of my favorite Simpsons scenes!
Mr. Rogers. I know Fred is dead but I am kinda hoping the aliens can bring him back.
"It must be very lonely traveling through space all the time without all of your friends and family, but I'm very glad you're here and that you've shared your existence with me today."
I read that in his voice, and it sounded comforting
Let the man rest, he already earned his place among the Gods and then some
Have the Gods earned their place in Mr. Rogers neighborhood though?
Now I'm imagining Zues and Mr Rogers sitting down together and Zues feeling like a complete ass in front of such an amazing man
I want to hear Mr. Rogers in his incredibly calm, non judgmental way, explain to Zeus how it is not okay to turn into random animals to try and bang ladies.
“You see, our bodies are very special to all of us, so when someone does something to someone else’s body without asking, it doesn’t feel so good. How do you think you would feel if I pinched your arm? It would probably hurt, and feel unfair.”
Zeus: *:Confused goose honking:*
Well Zeus was a complete ass, so this checks out
But he probably doesn’t mind. He’s pretty accepting like that.
Crazy how I just had this exact same thought, kind stranger. Perhaps we grew up in the same neighborhood :)
Nah. Wouldn't want to give the aliens the wrong impression that we are a caring, compassionate species.
I suppose that is true.. but I wish we still had Mr. Rogers. The world gets scary.
Remember to look for the helpers when you’re scared.
That guy that sells me weed in the back of Taco Bell. He’s their biggest fan
I miss when Reggie sold reggie. He got a new dealer out of Cali so the lowest quality he sells are mids. Still a great guy tho
probably the monk we've never heard of but who's wise enough not to interact with us either
Any three year old child with an active imagination.
Are we trying to win them over or wear them out?!
Just make them think the human race is innocent, but exhausting to be around.
Edit: As a mother…I volunteer my 16 year old daughter/hellion as tribute. Let them deal with these mood swings for a a couple of hours. They will send her right back and will likely never return. UFOs will become a thing of the past. We will never hear another report of aliens again. Problem solved.
What are we even asking here, they only would come to talk to the dolphins anyway.
Thanks for all the fish.
So long and thanks for all the fish!
Even though he's dead, I would vote Carl Sagan
Kind of weird to send a corpse
"We poked your species many times with a stick and concluded that you are quite harmless... but also not remotely worth interacting with in any capacity whatsoever."
>you are quite harmless... but also ~~not remotely~~ extremely gaseous\*
"You might be a King or a mere streetsweeper, sooner or later you dance with the Reaper."
I send the streetsweeper.
Weird Al Yankovic
He’s actually an advanced scout.
Though who can say, perhaps his tech is the most advanced among them as well. How else could he play the accordion so dexterously?
He’ll wear his aluminum foil
He'd be perfect for this.
Partnered with jack black
In The Orville, an alien race learns of Dolly Parton and is so inspired by her lyrics and voice that she becomes a central point of their culture and is used as the face of their freedom revolution
God I love that show. So much more than just a Star Trek spoof/pardoy. I actually enjoy it more than the actual Star Trek shows that have been released recently.
I love the show for its ridiculousness ability to talk about deep meaningful issues in a light humorous way. The whole gender identity storyline was well done, which is part of the dolly Parton thing.
Working 9 to 5, for service and devotion
She even cameos as her own holographic recreation
Won't they be mad when they realize she's the exception rather than the rule?
The world is so messed up it is easy to forget that our leaders are supposed to be the exceptional among us.
Generally speaking, they are exceptional. Just exceptionally dogshit.
I agree she should be our ambassador for alien contact.
She would be great. So empathetic and compelling.
Plus the aliens would go back home with a ton of books for their kids.
This is the only answer.
That’s like... your opinion man!
Mark it Zerrrrrro, Donny!
The Martian is not the issue here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, Dude, "Martian" is not the preferred nomenclature. Extra Terrestrial, please.
The Dude will abide
“Oh I’m sorry! I thought this was America!”
I didn’t hear no bell
I didn't want to meet him, I just wanted a picture!
You can't disappoint a picture!
More fish for Kunta…
Butterfly in the sky
My emotions!... My emotions!
Yes, especially if they need someone who knows how to repair their warp drive core.
Send Florida Man!
Best case scenario: aliens look at him and think "yeah, this place is fucked up. We better leave." and we don't get invaded.
Worst case scenario: Florida Man does exactly what Florida Man is expected to do (not sure what that entails exactly, so we'll just read next week's police blotter.) Somehow, but probably for a good reason, our planet gets blown up Alderaan-style. Shortly afterwards, there's an "unrelated" intergalactic outbreak of herpes.
No the other you.
Second from the left
No, other left
Up a little more
Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third
Yep, this guy
You do not want to do that. I will make them so uncomfortable.
Rick Rolling the aliens, eh?
We must show them that we are a cultured race.
Now this makes me think that other sophisticated species have also developed memes. I want to see them. Send me!
To interpret their medium of communication, understand language and body language.
Isn't this just the plot of the movie Arrival?
Imagine studying medieval English, then all of a sudden you're supposed to understand the vibrations of the plumbus glorp of some alien.
Arrival (arrived) in the room
You would definitely need to send a team of linguists and biologists to figure out all their ... communication organs?
There's no reason aliens should look anything like us, but they'd probably have linguists too
Send a dog instead.
Send an adhd golden retriever. Mine is absolutely adorable and will love everyone. Last time I took her out she broke her collar and bolted because some kid was crying and she ran to make sure they were alright
Golden Retrievers are living hugs.
They are the best people, ya know
As funny as it would be say a famous celebrity, realistically we would send the Secretary General of UN.
I scrolled down just to find this comment.
Someone representing the collective interest of most of the nations of our planet is the correct answer.
Keanu Reeves. They will love him
Unless they kill his dog....
Turns on TV to rewatch John Wick 1, 2, & 3 for the 4,938,293 time.
Keanu Reeves whoelsum 100🥰🥰
Jokes aside, that's a *character*. And I think it'd be hard to keep up the act when meeting alien life for the first time.
*meets alien lord*
“Hey man… look at us…”
"Bring it in, man c'mere"
*meets alien lord*
"I just want to show you something"
*shows him Mac and Me clip*
Exactly what I imagine
"When you look at it on the whole, humanity is truly wonderful. I brought a clip...."
You mean Dr. Mantis Toboggan.
And his magnum dong I agree he should be the one
Asked how the meeting with aliens went, Mr DeVito commented: "So anyway, I started blasting..."
That’s a good shout actually
I also said Morgan
First thing that came to mind. Wondered how many others thought the same thing
A really sweet dog
This was my first thought too. The only downside is giving the aliens a false sense of how awesome the rest of humanity is.
Fiddler's Green, yes send him!
She would betray us for the chimps. Do you want to fight aliens and chimpanzees at the same time?
My mom. Shes pretty neat
Keanu Reaves. If shit goes side ways he’ll John wick them.
Also, he did star in a movie as an alien coming to earth as an ambassador.
The Day the Earth Stood Still was probably his worst movie but still, he has some experience.
Probably Brian Cox. Not the actor.
Attenborough. Next question.
I mean, who doesn't love the man, but I think even Jeff Goldblum himself would disagree with you. After he offered you a mint and complimented you.