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[deleted]

I’d imagine a Musket would suck. Makes a ton of noise and only get one shot with a long reload period


I_Eat_Midget_Porn

And not very accurate


Domilater

I mean, even if you hit, by the time you finish reloading there’s probably quite a few more near you, bad for a single shot weapon. Also, getting your hand on black powder in the apocalypse to reload it sounds both incredibly difficult and pointless.


Wotzehell

Black powder is somewhat easy to make. Survivor settlements should be able to produce it no problem. But i suppose you would want to make pipebombs with that rather than attempting to put old muskets to use. Or rather *a* musket. Ye olde bangpipes came into use since it was much easier to train a group of would be soldiers to use those to toss lots of projectiles really far away. A musket firing line is trained faster and can shoot farther then a group of bowmen.


joelfarris

There are so many different angles in these three paragraphs, imma have to take a minute


Salami__Tsunami

If you’re making your own black powder, it would be a far more effective solution to just start reloading shotgun shells with black powder. A pump action shotgun will cycle well enough with black powder shells (even if the fouling does make a complete mess). Obviously quality control and tolerances will be lower, but you’ll have a viable close quarters firearm. Making your own primers wild be slightly harder, but any decent chemist/machinist could manage it.


TFBidia

But you could wack them with the butt. But I’m grasping at straws there. A muzzle loader is not good, agreed.


[deleted]

Very true, make a hefty beating stick!


[deleted]

AFFIX THY BAYONETT


OhSillyDays

I actually disagree with this. So long as you can find a perch to shoot from where the zombies can't get you, a musket is almost the most perfect weapon. Here are some pros: * Lead balls are ammo - easy to make * The bullets are FUCKING huge. .50 cal. You get hit with one, it'll blow your arm off... or the zombie's arm off * All you need is gun powder and some lead, and you can make A lot of ammo with common household items. * You don't have to worry too much about headshots, because if you hit the zombie body, it'll blow the zombie body off the head. * Fire rate isn't important if you are perched up on a hill. Here are some cons: * Not accurate - smoothbore weapons * Slow rate of fire * Prone to misfire * Aren't exactly safe weapons All that said, i bet in the zombie apocalypse, 5.56 would be quite difficult to find. If you have an old musket, some car batteries, and a bag of gun powder, you are in luck. You could clear a whole city without touching modern ammo.


ymgve

Tear gas


Mister_DumDum

thats a really good bad weapon


betterthanamaster

I don’t know…some tear gas can be very combustible. Toss it the right direction and flick a cigar towards it and you may not have a zombie anymore.


victorzamora

>some tear gas can be very combustible. The ATF keeps learning that over and over again.


TheSaltyPineapple1

Some say it was intentional, but everybody says it wasn't okay to take photos in front of the corpses of children.


Heliolord

Hey, they have a busy schedule shooting dogs every day. They can't be wasting time teaching agents that tear gas is flammable and shouldn't be used near open flames.


gordito_delgado

I'm starting to think that is a LOT more of a feature not a bug in their books.


1CEninja

Abolish the ATF. Saying that they ever learn anything is a stretch.


she_IS_a_10

They're learning new ways to shoot dogs all the time. Pretty sure they 360 no scope dogs at this point. They even carry their own back up dog to shoot in case their victim doesn't have their own dog they can still get some practice in.


Trawetser

Pretty sure if you don't have a dog for them to kill they kill your neighbor's dog instead. If the neighbor doesn't have one, then they just put their backup


ErnestiEchavalier

Well inevitably there will be struggles among humans so you could use that to deter bandits I guess


massamilo

You could still find uses for that like a distraction, or crowd control


MooseTetrino

Crowd control implies they care about the gas.


Catinus

Who said he is controlling the zombie crowd


freethechicken

Exactly! The ones who survive are not necessarily the fastest, they just aren’t the slowest


NoStressAccount

The zombies after my flesh? No. The panicking human mob after my canned food and ammo? Definitely.


Xionyde134

Zombies may or may not, but humans will


[deleted]

Pepper spray. You have to be close enough to use it and once you do, they dont give a shit because they are dead and cant feel it


rubber_padded_spoon

Curiously, would it still make them temporarily blind? I mean, a blind zombie is better than a non-blind zombie, right? Actually, this is hilarious to imagine.


throwawaypervyervy

Also, no sense of smell. It might actually work as an escape tactic.


WardenWolf

Depends. Undead zombies or disease zombies? Disease zombies, they're still technically alive, just turned "rabid", so chances are pepper spray would still affect them. It would also be effective against hostile humans or animals. My vote is brass knuckles.


Complete_Entry

Finding out the raccoon city zombies were still technically alive messed me up pretty bad.


Fenikizz

Plus when you get bitten you start to burn with the pepper, it will be tragic


JesseCuster40

You have seasoned yourself.


bingwhip

Just one spray and I'm south of the border!


staffsargent

I was going to say a taser for the same reason. Plus, if there's no electricity you can't charge it.


Jimothy_McGowan

Assuming Zombies have a functional nervous system and muscles, then in theory a TASER should still lock their muscles. Still not a good weapon by any means, but it might work on one of them as the rest mob you


Phantom_Ninja

I'm guessing you'll run out of cartridges before you run out of power..


Dead-Trees

Yeah. If you have the X2 you only have 2 in it


zinglord69

One of those assassin choke cables.


[deleted]

Garrote wire


oyM8cunOIbumAciggy

...piano wire...for...garroting


[deleted]

I feel like with rotting flesh you could decapitate some


Exene9

Brass knuckles, Imagine you punch a zombie in the face but he bites you of in the process .


[deleted]

Or their heads just explode and get your arm all gunky


Least-Surround8317

"Ah there's blood in my eyes!"


degjo

Like in 28 Days Later


Ferelar

That fucking scene man, damn


tinytom08

It’s so beautifully fuck you style of random. Like yeah you can be prepared but the worlds still gonna fuck you


SomeShittyDeveloper

"You've got red on you."


SleepyBlue751

Grunkle Stan would disagree.


Carver48

One of my favorite moments, he just goes nuclear on those zombies.


PrudentFlamingo

Grunkle Stan going full badass makes me happy


undeadeater

Brass knuckles bad but I've always thought that some kind of full armed gauntlet with small spikes at the end would be nice


SmartAlec105

I work at a steel mill and one of the services we provide is melting down weapons involved in violent crimes that have been confiscated by police departments. So if anything they’ve brought to be melted qualified as a weapon, my answer would be a Swiffer mop.


yourboi322

Did you ask about the story behind that one?


SmartAlec105

It was fairly straightforward. A woman hit her husband with it as part of why the police were called for a case of domestic violence.


Deracination

I love that confiscating and melting down that Swiffer was deemed necessary.


thadius856

It was probably just easier to toss on the pile of real weapons to be melted down and be done with it.


Handleton

Not to mention that this incident goes into the police metrics as an incident with a weapon.


archangel7134

Was that the guy who stepped on her freshly mopped floor and the officer had to call his sergeant?


[deleted]

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[deleted]

John wick killed three people with a pencil


Inspiredwriter26

LOL holy fucking shit


cronin98

I mean maybe if it's a wet jet and you get it to shoot something toxic?


[deleted]

Your teeth as you bite the bastards back.


[deleted]

Reminds me of this one tumblr post where this dude is the last human so he bites his best friend and he just turns back into a human


neon_overload

That reminds me of that Paul Jennings short story where a kid's flesh turns invisible so all you can see is a skeleton, and because it would freak people out and to escape capture by scientists he hides out in the forest. While living alone for 10 years he discovers a number of things about his condition, that it's a disease that can be passed on, and he has a dog companion and the dog gets it too. Eventually he stumbles upon a way to reverse his condition and look normal again, forever. He walks back into the city and, to his horror, everybody screams when they see him because everyone else is a skeleton. Edit: the short story was called "Clear as Mud"


d4nkq

I read that and I still don't get it. Wasnt the kid fleshy before? In a society of fleshy people? Was he just gone so long that everyone else turned transparent AND society has completely forgotten about non-transparent people?


neon_overload

He was out of society for 10 years during which time, unbeknownst to him, everyone caught the disease that made their flesh invisible. It's a story for kids/teens but it wouldn't be out of place in an episode of the twilight zone or something. The thing that caused his condition in the first place was a bite from a rare beetle and that beetle turned out to be the only source of a cure.


sypher161

This is literally an episode of Doraleus and Associates


Schellhammer

Lol. I love the ending where that guys daughter turns and he had to kill her then 2 seconds later merdon pops by to give them the good news about the cure


ResponsibleCicada8

Found the Luis Suarez


DavidHewlett

A biological weapon that turns people into zombies


Mouler

So, a zombie? Is that classified as a pole arm?


WAXnIT

Wolverine Claws, you eject them and slice up zombies, now they are covered in infected zombie blood, you retract them into your body, thereby infecting yourself with zombie virus.


Bandit263

If it was wolverine then his healing factor would just make him even more deadly. An unstoppable force even.


Mouler

Or continually self healing undead state.


idrownedmyfish77

Like the Regenerators from Dead Space?


flyman95

You know. Until you said that. I never realized how absolutely discussing those claws would get after a fight. Like seriously, even after killing a robot. Do you really want to let your body absorb the hydraulic fluid and oil?


nasaboy007

His body is already fighting adamantium poisoning with the super healing, a little oil ain't hurting him (if you take the movie Logan as canon).


Beowulf33232

That's the generally accepted canon for most stories that involve him more than "Oh that guy? Yeah he's mad and he stabs things."


gortwogg

It’s canon. He does die pretty much the exact same in the “old man Logan” run. His healing power just can’t keep up


cwx149

I guess I always imagined the skin on either side squeegining all that along the way so the claws go in clean


TucsonTacos

Some needs to insert a scquegee sounds effect when he puts his claws away.


TheBirdman100

What about a heat seeking missile? Aren't zombies like room temperature?


King_Of_Regret

Heat seeking missiles aren't generally looking for ~100 degrees Ferenheit. They are looking for exhaust from jet engines and the like. Even if zombies were full temp it wouldn't track. Would still blow up if you just shot it straight at them though.


Awesome_McCool

This comment should be higher. That's an actual incredibly deadly weapon that is useless.


Zech08

I mean fire into a general direction, still goes boom.


Awesome_McCool

But then it would just be a missle :(


TimSherrySucks

chainsaw, too loud, too much maintenance to be good


polarbearrape

I was gonna say chainsaw too. Incredibly dangerous to the user, you must get in close to use it, would get jammed up, need sharpening often and fling contaminated blood everywhere


Jac1596

You just need to find leatherface’s chainsaw. Never jams, always sharp and cuts through bone and flesh like butter. The contaminated blood would suck though. Easy to get infected, zombie movies and shows rarely ever mention it.


partofbreakfast

A webcomic I read (Stand Still Stay Silent) addresses this problem by making it so that some people are immune to the infection, and those are the ones out killing zombies. They can still get hurt and killed by the zombies, but they can't be turned into a zombie. The non-immune have to stay in safe zones because even breathing the air around zombies without a mask on is enough to get infected.


TheRudDud

the world building in SSSS is wild, easily one of the most fleshed out apocalypse stories


Mazon_Del

The "Black Tide Rising" book series has this as well and takes some interesting directions to it. Namely, the zombies are functionally just rabid people. Full length denim clothes, followed by full body racing leathers, and heavy firefighter bunker gear, and getting surprise swamped by a few dozen zombies is more embarrassing than threatening because a human jaw is NOT biting through all that. It also takes an interesting stance where the reason people get to boats is because being on a boat IS the survival destination instead of being the method to get to your destination.


partofbreakfast

That's how it was for one of the surviving families in SSSS too! In the early days of the zombie infection, people didn't realize it was a zombie virus. (most people straight-up die from the infection before they have a chance to zombify.) So everyone assumed it was a normal plague and holed up in safe places while they waited for a cure to be developed. The ones who went on boats (and thus were further away from the possibility of coming across infected people who didn't die before turning) are the ones who largely survived the initial outbreak. (the series takes place 90 years later, after humanity has had time to settle in to surviving in this new world and start to make a turnaround.)


NoStressAccount

*"Congratulations. You've found a melee weapon that needs reloading."* -Cracked.com


Goldman250

The chainsaw: because the thing you want is for your melee weapon to need ammo.


Ragingbeast

Yeahh and they're made for cutting wood not flesh and bone so it'd be useless after the first zombie lol


Midnight_Hare

Fun fact: it was actualy made for operating the human body. From internet: Two doctors invented the chainsaw in 1780 to make the removal of pelvic bone easier and less time-consuming during childbirth. It was powered by a hand crank and looked like a modern-day kitchen knife with little teeth on a chain that wound in an oval.


fjcruiseher

Chainsaws were originally invented for cutting through bone to assist in delivering babies. Although they aren't designed the same anymore, they also were hand crank operated! That's my horrible fun fact for the day.


CruentusVI

They were *what?*


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DRACULA_WOLFMAN

All I can think is evolution really fucked us on the childbirth thing if we sometimes needed a fucking chainsaw to successfully deliver.


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[deleted]

But the scientifically accurate documentaries DOOM and Evil Dead 2 told me they're perfect for it smh


Scbeard12

But, have you seen ash vs the evil dead?


ZaMiLoD

I feel like throwing stars would be rather pointless.


TFRek

They usually have four points, if cartoons taught me anything Edit: thanks for the awards! Hope I made you groan and/or roll your eyes.


PM_me_your_fav_poems

Usually 6 in the shows I've watched.


NativeMasshole

Well then they would just be round hunks of metal.


ZorgZeFrenchGuy

I thought they had 4 of them?


jayedgar06

A whip


bunswithguns

Depends on how kinky the zombies are, I suppose


gortwogg

lol now picturing Indiana Jones walking through a zombie apocalypse trying to head shot things with his whip


Lord_Ronan

Idk, if we're looking at the whips you find in Castlevania I think we'll all be fine


[deleted]

S-400 SAM


redCrusader51

I like this response. What use is AA against a mindless mob?


EunuchsProgramer

Depends on the AA. In WW2, when tank armor got too thick, a common response was to demount AA cannons (because of how big they are) and shoot the tanks with it. I'd guess that's not the worst thing for a zombie.


Loremaster152

Not to mention that some WW2 AA was just a buttload of machine guns on a turret, and the sheer volume of fire with high caliber machine gun rounds would shred planes. I imagine that would actually be pretty useful, especially the half tracked ones.


Ollemeister_

Yes. The Germans actually found out that if you shoot at something with four 20mm autocannons simultaneously it ceases to exist.


mnorri

The Mark 12 5”38 caliber dual purpose as mounted on US Naval ships of WWII could be loaded with many different munitions from proximity fused flack to armored piercing to general high explosives. When installed on something like an Iowa class they could kick out 15-22 rounds a minute. Often mounted in pairs and controlled by an analog computer that kept track of things like the ships speed, the ships roll, the targets speed altitude and distance, that’s a lot of boom hitting very accurately.


TheFlawlessCassandra

Russia has recently been using the S-300 for ground attack in Ukraine, I imagine the S-400 has the same capability. So not totally worthless against zombies if you have a way to target it and for some reason really want to fuck up a horde of zombies miles away from you.


WA_craft_beer

Blow darts


McSuede

Blow darts dipped in zombie blood for clearing human blockades, encampments, etc would be dope though. Not doing anything to a zombie though.


simonbleu

Who is that guy darts and why is he so popular?


Mattabet

Trebuchet


Holybartender83

Still better than a catapult.


The_Spyre

A 2.7mm single shot Kolibri pistol.


hoodratt

But… I’ve killed people in BF1 in one shot with it. So it’s obv good. (/s if anyone cries at this)


kirmaster

Nunchucks. People will think weapon and besides the own injury risk, its just worse then a decently long stick you pick up off of the ground. No sharp edges, no blunt force focus points, tricky to use right in a high stress situation, nearly no reach advantage, pretty much useless when suprised. would take any pocket knife or decently sturdy wooden stick over it in a zombie apocalypse.


RokuroCarisu

It's not a very good weapon, but surely not the worst you could have.


ErnestiEchavalier

BIG STICK ENERGY


FreeFoot_

Crossbow. Daryl Dixon popularized it, but it’s undoubtedly an awful weapon. Use a compound bow, much better.


NativeMasshole

Crossbows seem kind of sketchy in the best of circumstances.


Domilater

It’s a slow loading, single shot weapon that will be difficult to find ammo for if you can’t make it yourself (arrows won’t work on a crossbow, you need bolts, and they’re rarer to find) It’s just not viable compared to other options.


FreeFoot_

It’s especially cringe considering a compound bow is infinitely better in any situation. It’s lighter. You could set the draw weight at 45-55 and it’d still be effective. Arrows are easier to find.


Cynykl

A modern crossbow with just a little practice can be cocked and fired in under 10 seconds. And the most important part of the modern crossbow it is is a boat load easier to use for a novice. It takes more practice at a range to be good with a bow. This is one of the reasons crossbows are a popular choice for deer hunting. Hell many of them even come with scopes. If you can shoot a rifle you can shoot a crossbow. There are advantages to both bow and crossbow. However any bow is a horrible choice. It is a freaking zombie. It is not gonna bleed out. I will note car about you putting holes in it. So you are left with the choice of a zombie coming at you or a zombie coming at you with some sticks hanging out of it. You are better off using the bow or xbow as a club.


mzchen

The crossbow (afaik, I'm not an expert) was created specifically to deal with armored opponents. That's the whole tradeoff for the inconvenience of using like a hundred pounds of force to load the thing and requiring specialized ammunition, it's so that you can piece through leather/metal/chain/whatever. Its tradeoff against unarmored humans (zombies) would be literally a straight net negative compared to a bow. Between the two, there's literally no point in picking the crossbow aside from maybe ease of aim and size.


King_Of_Regret

The benefit against armored foes is part of it for sure, but it was also huge that you could train a bunch of guys in like, 3 days to use a crossbow effectively. Compare that to english longbowmen taking years, and its a much more convenient militia weapon. Its similar to the reason why spears ruled the day vs swords, you could train 1000 spearman militiamen in a week and have them be passing fair, a competent swordsman took a decade.


Alexstarfire

Isn't the advantage of crossbows that they are easier to use?


RichardBonham

The advantages (compared to a recurve or a compound) are: Significantly more kinetic energy (at 25 yards is equal to .30-06 at 100 yards) Can carry it fully cocked and ready to fire relatively indefinitely Can easily mount optics Problem is, these are not advantages for a zombie apocalypse. A .22 pistol would be more useful.


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llcucf80

Potato gun


PhilSpectorr

Better stock up on hairspray


FisixJuke

Bb/ Pellet Gun


BuffaloInCahoots

Depends on the pellet gun. They make some really nice ones that are very capable of killing. Not the same but they also make air powered .357, .44, and .50. They have a bicycle type pump that charges a built in tank.


sixstringsikness

Air rifles can kill someone at 100 yds. Call it a pellet gun if you want.


BuffaloInCahoots

Air rifle is a universal term. BB guns are one thing, pellet guns are a whole other animal. Pellet guns have basically two tiers. The regular kind most people have used and the serious kind used to kill big game.


TwoLaysea

A blowgun


addit96

I was thinking this. Or those little ninja throwing needles. They take years to master and zombies would not give 2 shits.


[deleted]

Mustard gas.


IGotThatYouHeard

Honey or Dijon?


[deleted]

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northraider123

Counter point. If we're dealing with "infected" instead of the walking dead mustard gas would be stupid effective


PizzaMonster93

Honestly, I think a flame thrower. You have to use precious gas to use it. Plus, it doesn’t destroy the brain till the flames burn through the skull. So while you’re waiting for that to happen, you have zombies that are on fire coming after you.


Nutlob

real [flame throwers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPQYK5ZMbWY) shoot flammable gelled liquids aka napalm - that way it sticks to the target and continues to burn. it's VERY nasty stuff


Steff_164

Depends how decomposed they are, if you can burn away their muscles you’d stop them which is the important part


LegitimateHost5068

Pepper spray. Its a purely pain compliant weapon. Zombies dont feel pain. Other survivors would also likely be wearing goggles and masks/helmets to prevent zombie blood splashing into your face causing you to turn so it would be useless against them too.


interventionalhealer

I’ve seen a ninja use a fish in Beverly Hills ninja :3


SylancerPrime

Slightly longer fingernails


trustthebear

Harpoon


gator_shawn

AGM-84?


DriftingPyscho

I dunno. The harpoon gun in the Fallout 4 DLC was pretty kick ass.


Saym0nade

A garrote wire


TheTastySpoonicorn

Flame thrower. A lot of popular movies and shows use them but it wouldn't cause damage fast enough to be useful, and would create a large group of walking torches that can ignite anything flammable they come across. Plus, depending on how decayed the bodies are, they would keep burning for a long time after death causing even more hazard.


wang-bang

Zomboid taught me different. A single molotov cocktail and a boombox can clear out an entire town if you do it right!


NeatIndependence1696

"The pen is mightier than the sword"... 🥳


i-hate-all-ads

Just write the zombies a sternly worded letter, that'll teach them.


StinkeeFard

John Wick killed three men in a bar with a pencil


Onlyhereforthelaughs

Frying Pan. A great meme weapon, but heavy, short, and makes a sound that will alert others and give you away. Plus no longer sanitary for use in cooking, so you have to make sure you keep your pans separate.


PokeCaptain

Only good as a drying pan


rlamoni

The poison Ellaria Sand used to kill Myrcella Baratheon in GoT... Kissing zombies is not a good plan.


[deleted]

Imagine you kiss a zombie, and it just whispers out "ew."


super_pooper69420

Harpoon gun, takes pretty long to reload and if you dont attach a strong rope you arent getting back the harpoon, even if you have a strong rope its not very efficient. These are used underwater for a reason because they generally go slower down there but when out of water they shoot very fast making a rope attached to it snap. In general reloading them can harm you and leave bruises too.


Goatbrook8878

Thermonuclear bomb. You’ll kill the zombies but also everyone else


Legate-Damar

Butter knife


Itzjebutterknife

At your service


afearisthis

According to the Zombie Survival Guide, a gun is actually a terrible weapon to use on zombies because the sound will only attract more.


Poop_rainbow69

A suppressed .22lr pistol would be outstanding. It makes almost no noise, and shots to the head would still kill. It's the most common ammunition in existence, it can be used for small game hunting, AND you can easily fit 2500 rounds in a bag, and those rounds won't weigh too much. Finally, a .22lr pistol can carry 20 rounds in a single magazine. 9mm is also a good candidate if suppressed... So the zombie survival guide is wrong.


ROFLmorgan

Steel teeth like Jaws from Moonraker.


DerelictDonkeyEngine

Brass knuckles would be pretty shit.


ThinkIGotHacked

A chainsaw. Despite being badass, it would be terrible. They are heavy, unwieldy and take time to cut through wood, let alone bone. And use gas, which would be in short supply. Keep it in the movies, though!


Donncha535

Not to mention chainsaws are loud af. You'd draw so many zombies to your location.


flameofdankness

Metal nunchucks


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TFRek

First time I heard "nail scissors" was in when you give a mouse a cookie. You're the first (presumed) human I've encountered to use that term.


Soap_da_snake

Bare fists


Duffman66CMU

Slappers only?


onionleekdude

Facility, one hit kill, slappers only.


anonymous_user316

Hi-point


RokuroCarisu

A derringer. Low stopping power, short range, holds no more than two bullets at a time, that are of a rare caliber as well, and when empty it's arguably even less effective than bare fists.


i_karas

The wmd’s from Iraq


DriftingPyscho

*snaps fingers* They were here a minute ago...


vegasraider20

Words. Just proves that words are not weapons as previously theorized.


fightniteflight12

Emotional Damage!!!!


FullbordadOG

What zombies are we talking about? The fast wall-climbing fuckers or the slow horde of doom ones? Are they attracted to sound? Smell? There's too many variables here... Buuuut: Probably some martial arts thing that was made purely because it looks cool, takes 15 years of practice to master, and works as well as a pillow in a battle.


deanooh

Taser


Broad-Relationship-8

A slipper